to be unhappy that H gave up his job?

(117 Posts)
Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:12:42

Very long story Will keep it short as possible. He is in his second week of no job. I knew he hated his job but never in a million years did i think he would just give a weeks notice. One Friday he said, during a disagreement about something else, that he might hand his notice in on the Monday. I did go a bit berserk. Worried mostly that he won't get another job, mortgage etc. Made it clear i wasn't happy. Sunday spoke about it again, again made it clear. Didn't actually say 'DO NOT DO IT' Monday he text me to say he gave a weeks notice. So now he has been out of work for just over a week.

He has some savings so no immediate financial worry. He has blood pressure problems and was finding work very stressful (but he finds most things stressful....) but actually did nothing to try to help this - more exercise/relaxation time.

I really struggled to come to terms with him just giving up a decent wage. I have tried to 'get past my negativity' and was doing a half decent job of it. We absolutely cannot manage on my wage alone. I have kept my very elderly horse for 20yrs through very hard times (financially) and can't imagine how i Will feel if this unemployment affects that (only possibility if i can no longer care for him is put to sleep)

Last week - first week of no work, i tried and succeeded to some extent, to be supportive. But, i have got home both yesterday and today, after long busy and unpleasant days at work i(i work with homeless people) to find him chirpy, full of it, and having done sod all. Last nights washing up still to be done before i cook. No housework done and constant 'what's wrong?' i don't want to say what's wrong because i thought i would give him a couple of weeks 'off' before starting the new job campaign. For 6 months he has spoken about work to me every night for at least 45 minutes, often more and i have listened. He hasn't listened to me as he has been preoccupied with his own shitty situation. But he can't expect me to be suddenly thrilled after a hard day at work. My job can be challenging to say the least.

We've only been married two months but together 11yrs. I feel let down.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:14:38

Sorry just to add, i have worked one two or three jobs since i was at school. He has spent several years unemployed (when he lived with parents) and not even trying to find work.

MrsHuxtable Tue 02-Jul-13 20:16:48

Are there any children involved?

minibmw2010 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:18:43

When he asks 'what's wrong' tell him !!! He's not on holiday. There's no reason whatsoever he should get a 'let' from doing the housework. Tell him to get on with it. If you let him relax now he'll be out of work again for years (hopefully not though). Good luck!

SaucyJack Tue 02-Jul-13 20:19:49

Life is more about earning a decent wage tho.

If his old job has being making him seriously miserable to the point that he was becoming physically ill, then I don't think he was BU unreasonable to put his own wellbeing above your horse's.

Tho I can see exactly why you may be peeved at first.

CailinDana Tue 02-Jul-13 20:20:05

Feck being "supportive". Why on earth did you cook if you'd been at work all day while he sat on his arse? In your situation i would expect to come home to a pristine house and a freshly cooked dinner. You need to have a serious talk.

Bowlersarm Tue 02-Jul-13 20:20:21

I think you do need to speak to him about what you expect of him, otherwise you'll resent him and it will drive a wedge between you.

Is there room for compromise anywhere? Ie he takes a week/10 days off before looking for a job in earnest but you expect not to come home to a tip? Or whatever is important to you. I think you need to talk though.

LineRunner Tue 02-Jul-13 20:21:12

Oh dear god. You just got married and he's packed in his job and won't do housework?

I'm not surprised you're unhappy.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:24:43

Its not his welfare before the horses. He could have looked for work before he got to crisis poin but didn't. I have done plenty of rubbish jobs so that i could look after the horse, yet he couldn't do his to be able to pay the mortgage.

I know i need to tell him but feel so overwhelmed that i feel like i am not capable of a reasonable conversation. Thank you for replies. I don't mind the cooking but kind of expect the washing up to be done.

tupuedes Tue 02-Jul-13 20:29:13

Was undecided until your 2nd post, he sounds like a lazy twat, he should have found a new job before quitting the one he had. It takes a certain mentality to sit around being a waster for years without looking for a job, tbh I'm not sure I could put up with someone capable of that.

Finola1step Tue 02-Jul-13 20:31:56

So he's at home today. You are at work all day. You come home and still do house stuff, cook an evening meal? WTF?

Did he have a newborn to look after? Was he laid up in bed with flu, d&v, or such like? Thought not.

Bang out of order. The above though is only a symptom I think. The big thing here is that he has made such a massive decision without fully consulting you. YANBU and I would tell him that the new job search starts now.

sanam2010 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:34:31

In general, of course it's something he should have discussed with you as a partner. But i also think you should try to relax a bit and be supportive of his decision.
Since you can't survive on your wage alone, I am sure he knows he has to get a job again. What he did sounds like he may have had a nervous breakdown. I was very close to one at one point and also had a voice in my head telling me to quit my job NOW and not tomorrow. I remember txting my husband that I would quit today and I was going crazy. He told me to think it over a few days and it was impossible. I have another friend who had a nervous breakdown and it was exactly the same, she suddenly felt she was going insane and her head was going to explode and the only way to save her sanity was to call in sick and never go back to that job - she happened to see a counsellor and she correctly identified it as a nervous breakdown / burnout.

I am not saying you should spend months working hard and then come home and make dinner, but maybe acknowledge that it is a big relief for him to get out, maybe even celebrate, order takeaway if you don't feel like cooking, and after a couple
of days say let's sit down and talk over how this is going to work and what his plans are going forward. Also try to find out if he needs professional help.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:34:56

Sorry no children although i came off depo d jab last year - after much discussion, i thought we should wait a bit, he thought we should crack on.

I too wondered about him not being armed to get a job but then he tried and got one quick, couple of years later tried again and changed jobs etc. And now we have a mortgage!

Roshbegosh Tue 02-Jul-13 20:35:35

You will never forgive him if the horse has to go. Don't do it. Get rid of him before the horse.

YouTheCat Tue 02-Jul-13 20:37:47

You need to have a serious chat. Fine he didn't like his job but you can't live on fresh air.

Tell him you expect him to do the lion's share of the housework and cooking while he is out of work.

I'd also get back on the contraception before it's too late.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:38:38

Sanam i think there is an element of that here, but i feel enormously let down that he didn't even try to get a new job despite it being crap for 6+months. And i am trying, really trying, not to be bloody grumpy. Obviously not working too well or i wouldn't get the incessant 'what's wrong' but that only serves to miss me off more!

nenevomito Tue 02-Jul-13 20:40:06

People who have had nervous breakdowns aren't chipper at home.

Don't clean up and cook tea when you get home as the very least he should be doing is some basics around the house.

I'd kill my DH if he quit a job without thinking it through properly and stick the final nails in the coffin if he did it and then did cock all around the house.

Support is meant to work both ways, not just you.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:42:15

Roshbegosh - thank you. I didn't think anyone would understand. I Will be devastated when the horse goes, he can't support himself, but i can until his time comes. assuming H has a job. If the horse has to go because of H not working, well i don't think i could ever get past that.

Helpyourself Tue 02-Jul-13 20:50:53

Settings got to give go and it's not the horse.
Do not get pregnant by this man.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 02-Jul-13 20:51:25

You are putting your horse before your husband.

You need to sit down and talk to him about his new job plan. Is his CV up to date, has he even identified where to start looking for a new job.

I would give him a list of jobs that have to be done each day, it would be the easiest way with my husband. Yes, I know you shouldn't have to treat him like a child, but sometimes men need a lick up the backside to see the obvious.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 02-Jul-13 20:52:16

Not lick! He definitely isn't in with a chance of that right now. I meant kick!


Helpyourself Tue 02-Jul-13 20:52:37

Something's got to go, that should read...
It's not the jacking in his job on its own, but the fact that he's coasted before and is doing fuck all at home while you're working.

MrsDeVere Tue 02-Jul-13 20:58:18

She is not putting her horse before her husband.
She is responsible for the care of an elderly animal.
Her husband has ignored that and given up his job regardless of the mortgage and bills that have to be paid.

He is an adult. He isn't ill. He didn't like his job. Tough. Thousands of people don't like their jobs but they suck it up until they get a new one.

They don't just walk out and doss around for a while.

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 21:01:26

Please don't get hung up on the horse, it IS a big factor but the mortgage, the potential child, the relationship? If i had no horse i would still be livid.

Cloudandtrees - THANKS for the giggle!

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 21:03:28

Thank you mrsdevere. I have previously been crippled with depression but i was responsible for the horse then and paying his way kept me at work. Despite the tears and unending gloom.

frillyflower Tue 02-Jul-13 21:06:24

He is lazy. If he was depressed he wouldn't be 'full of it' when you got in from work.

Poor you. I would be furious if my husband was at home in the day and didnt clean up and cook dinner for when I got in from work. It's basic kindness apart from anything else.

Stick to the horse and get rid of the lazy man. He sounds awful.

You are better off with a good old horse than a husband like that.

At least the horse cannot accidentally get you pregnant. Now, in your current circumstances, that would be real disaster. Sorry!

CloudsAndTrees Tue 02-Jul-13 21:08:48


That's why he needs the kick up the arse.

Be angry with him for good reason, but remember that he may have been very close to the edge of what he can cope with when he left work. Then turn your anger into proactivity and make it a mission to make him get another job.

Jaffalemon Tue 02-Jul-13 21:13:01

Bloody hell Clouds i just laughed so loudly reading your lick up the backside i frightened Dh grin

Xales Tue 02-Jul-13 21:17:17

Sit down and talk with him and tell him he is being very unfair.

If he doesn't change then get yourself something to eat on the way home. A sandwich/salad. If he can't be bothered to even clean the house ready for cooking don't bother yourself.

Get back to the Dr and get your contraception sorted out as soon as possible.

StuntGirl Tue 02-Jul-13 21:21:40

I agree, contraception now!!

He has been very selfish. I have been on the brink with an old job which made me utterly miserable, but I sorted out a new job before I left. I couldn't in all conscience have put my family through the worry of no money.

What is is plan? To stay off until his savings run out? To have 'x' amount of time off and then start looking? To do bugger all? He needs to have some kind of idea of what his next move is.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 02-Jul-13 21:22:00


Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 21:26:08

Sorry to add another dimension...i am 36 this yr. Hence coming off the contraception. I think too practically and worry a lot about how we Will cope. My 'cycle' hasn't returned yet, and the Dr won't let me go on the pill. I guess i could threaten condoms, that should work as well as anything!

pointythings Tue 02-Jul-13 21:28:54

YY to no condoms = no sex. You should not be having babies with this man, when there are children you need to be an equal partnership more than ever and right now he is relying on you to carry him. That will not change until he gets kicked into gear. <checks for typos> <breathes sigh of relief>

ZillionChocolate Tue 02-Jul-13 21:35:38

Er, don't threaten condoms, insist on them!

When he says "what's wrong?" You can explain that you're disappointed to come home to chores when he's been home all day. That's it for starters.

hermioneweasley Tue 02-Jul-13 21:38:33

Agree about getting back on contraception straight away (though I doubt you're having very romantic feelings right now).

It seems like you have different values about work, responsibility and money, which will make a marriage really hard (surprised you've survived 11 years). What sort of person would sit around all day and then watch the person the are supposed to love come home from work and then start clearing up and cooking? I truly cannot compute that selfish behaviour.

Pick a time when you can speak calmly, but do speak to him, otherwise you are going to snap and have a big argument and you won't get your point across so clearly.

badbelinda Tue 02-Jul-13 21:39:04

Come in from work,sit down and ask "what's for dinner?"

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 21:46:49

That's my worry hermione but you are all right, we do need to talk.

I think i would get a blank look badbelinda....

complexnumber Tue 02-Jul-13 21:52:10


Southeastdweller Tue 02-Jul-13 21:52:20

What most others are saying - get the contraception sorted and have an honest talk with him.

I don't blame you for being so angry. Not at all. He's downright lazy and selfish. Does he think jobs come down from the sky like raindrops? Not know that it's ten times easier to get a new job when you're already in one? confused

Wishing you lots of luck.

pleiadianpony Tue 02-Jul-13 22:06:33

Nottalotta I hope you can get it sorted. I can totally understand why you are furious!

Horse comes first. If horse isn't a priority for DH then he HAS to accept that it is for you and that you come as a package. He is not a dependent, he is responsible for himself and you as a family. (whether he likes it or not, horse is part of the family)

But .. IF he has enough savings to cover the mortgage for a little while AND the skills and experience to guarantee he will get another job, let him have a break. 2 or three days 2 be miserable and lazy and then he needs to get on with finding another job.

If he is a serial unemployed person who has no sticking power and always an excuse then you might need a rething.

Nottalotta. I frequently remind my DH (when need to) that without my horse i'd probably be dead and we would have nothing at all. So suck it up or bugger off!!

Nanny0gg Tue 02-Jul-13 22:14:54

You also can't take the risk of him doing this again when you're pregnant.

You need a very clear chat...

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 22:36:47

This is the problem. He doesn't have a great employment history. I do, and i would worry about getting another job on the same salary.

He has savings for 6or so months. Which makes me think there Will be no sense of urgency. I deal with homeless people on a daily basis, and i don't just mean the ones living in a box. I mean the families with children, or people my parents age, who have lost jobs, or had some other catastrophe which meant they couldn't pay their rent or mortgage. I tell them 'sorry, we can house you and your children, but not your 18 yr old cat or your family dog' ire i tell them 'you gave up your job and now you can't pay your mortgage? You have a two bed house when you are just a couple? Sorry, no help to be had here'

We do need to talk, when i am feeling less upset and more rational. He has accused me of over reacting and losing perspective. (during the first few days)

Southeastdweller Tue 02-Jul-13 22:50:19

I doubt he would have quit had he not had the savings back up (which by the way I would be angry for him using as a get out clause, as it were - in my book savings are only for either nice things/a big thing/or an absolute emergency).

pleiadianpony Tue 02-Jul-13 22:59:17

Sounds like you have different values. I always have a contingency and the only time have been out of work is when pregnant or for a brief time while seriously depressed (even then i have 99% of the time ploughed through to keep the bills paid)

I think all you can do is step back and watch what happens over the next few months. See what he does.

Don't worry about the biological clock. 36 really isn't that old. I am same age as you and just pregnant with 1st. Doctor laughed and said i had 'years' of fertility left when i went in with fertility worries last year. A few months of putting it off won't hurt. It will also relieve some of the inevitable stress trying for a baby will involve.

I hope you manage to find a way through and to talk to him. Enjoy your horse and your work in the meantime.

I am in a similar job to you and miss it now i am on maternity leave. I also miss being able to ride my horse and do all the things i did with him before i was pregnant. I'm also shitting myself about how our finances are going to look in 9 months time and waiting for DH to say 'if you didn't have that bloody horse' ! But hey, cross that bridge.

Nottalotta, can I just ask, after being together for 11 years, why did the two of you get married now? What was the catalyst for that? It's just that, this man felt entitled to be kept by his parents - I am wondering if he feels similarly entitled to be kept by a wife. The timing just set my alarms off - together 11 years, married two months, jacks job in. Sorry for my cynicism, but I find the timing suspicious.

Also, why do you feel the need to 'get past [your] negativity'? And would I be correct to assume that this is his phrase and not yours, seeing as how he "has accused [you] of over reacting and losing perspective"? (Your perspective is fine, BTW. His is screwed to fuck.)

Why are you "trying, really trying, not to be bloody grumpy" ? Grumpiness is absolutely natural in this situation, and he should be bloody grateful if grumpy is as bad as you get. I'd be absolutely ready to kill!

I really think you should not be so understanding/supportive. I'm actually wondering why you feel that you have to be, and I'm not liking the answers popping into my admittedly cynical head. He's fucked up. The onus is on him to fix it, not loll around being all chirpy and expecting you to wait on him hand and foot. You should not "give him a couple of weeks 'off' before starting the new job campaign." He's already into his second week and looking very comfortable not looking for a new job. I suspect he would be very, very comfortable with never looking. I also suspect that you suspect that too sad.

And please, please reinstate contraception. But you already know that sad.

I find the timing extremely interesting too, WhereYouLeftIt. Just gets married, jacks in his job then sits of the sofa waiting for the servant wife to come in and clean and cook for him. He wants to crack on with kids? Tell him you won't consider having kids with a voluntarily unemployed bum.

BTW I got pregnant VERY quickly after coming off the injection while older than you. Be careful.

MammaTJ Wed 03-Jul-13 03:46:28

I actually left my first husband because of these issues. Iwas in a job I hated. He kept just giving up jobs and doing so without another job to go to.

He rang me one day, just as I was about to hand my notice in to start another more satisfying job, to tell me he was giving up what had previously been his perfect job. I told him if he left that job, I would be leaving him. He still left, so so did I, that very night.

I think the fact that him leaving his job coincides with you having married him two months ago means he now thinks you will continue to support him no matter what. He needs to know you expect him to support you.

That starts immediately, with him doing housework and cooking.

DolomitesDonkey Wed 03-Jul-13 04:42:47

Time to stop dicking around. In case anyone hasn't pointed it out to you yet, you're 36 and don't have children - yet you want them.

If this isn't the man for you then you need to move on and find one who is ticking more boxes.

Or, you find a solution for this relationship. It's a bit of a red herring saying "suck it up, I have to pay livery" because you say your husband has quite serious health problems - bit daft to send him off to a job which will result in a heart attack which kills him.

What's it going to be then? Work through this as a couple to find the kind of solution which will give you both the future you need, or ditch him?

You don't have another 11 years to fuck around.

titzup Wed 03-Jul-13 05:08:49

This is an awful situation! Everything about it is wrong and you have every right to be furious IMO. At the very least I would expect him to have the house spick and span and dinner sorted! >sad why should it be your 'mission' to find him a job - you have a job, you are still looking after the house, he has NOTHING else to do.

DON'T sacrifice your chance of children or beloved horse for this lazy selfish man sad

MrsDeVere Wed 03-Jul-13 07:42:16

I grew up in a household like this.
My df was a lovely man but a non conformist. He hated working for people and would often give up jobs.
This left my DM to slog on with whatever job she was doing and she was resentful.

They always had money problems (both were rubbish at saving) and I grew up terrified that something awful was going to happen.

DF never changed and it was only because my BIL sorted out his insurance and pension that my DM wasn't left in real trouble when he died young.

So I guess this leaves me with very little sympathy for grown, healthy men who just walk out of jobs because they don't like them much.

I understand when work gets to much. I am about to go back after a period of leave. I am lucky that the option was open to me.

I wouldn't recommend playing any mind games with him. You have to be totally clear and straight with him.
Try and keep it as unemotional as you can and don't go for analogies eg 'you just walking out of work is like me just......'

And don't bother mentioning the horse. If he was bothered about that he wouldn't have left work in the first place.

Concentrate on the facts. There are enough of them!

Savings are for emergencies
Mortgages have to be paid
Babies need a secure home
If you get pregnant you will need HIM to take over for at least a while and maybe an extended period if you decide to be a sahp.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Jul-13 07:50:51

Keep the horse, dump the cocklodging husband

Lavenderloves Wed 03-Jul-13 08:08:13

Yes the horse could be any number of things ( childcare cost for example) the issue is that he's not looking at your bigger picture.

He does sound very unhappy, i think you need to forgive this and push him to find work and redeem himself fast.

I would make him do housework as that's a great incentive to find work.

Do not get pregnant.

Lavenderloves Wed 03-Jul-13 08:12:49

Btw " he has savings..."

No you have savings. 6 months of living cash is a baby fund surely?

Feckless, selfish, idle - has he any redeeming features at all?

2rebecca Wed 03-Jul-13 08:24:50

I would be angry with this. If you are married then giving up your job without another is a big decision that you make together, especially if he didn't even try to find another before hand. My husband hates his job but wouldn't chuck it because we have kids to help through university, he is looking for another though.
I would tell him that whilst he is job hunting you expect him to do the housework not just leave it for you when you get home, but that long term you don't want him to be a house husband but to get working again.
I would worry that the relationship isn't working with him not properly discussing the work situation with you first.

2rebecca Wed 03-Jul-13 08:28:13

You must bear some of the responsibility for the poor communication between you though if when asked "what's wrong?" you don't actually tell him.
I hate being asked "what's wrong" when there is nothing wrong but I would have got home and told him exactly what is wrong before he had time to ask.

Nagoo Wed 03-Jul-13 08:33:09

I have been here.

I was here before I had a baby and I was here when the baby was 8MO, but the second time was redundancy.

I still have a problem with the person my DH was at that time, even though he's retrained and in a steady job now.

You need a BIG talk.

Find out the plan. Don't speculate. Ask him what he intends to do.

If he hated his job so much that he needed to vent so often about it then he might have a fair argument for giving it up.

You need to lay it all out though.

It's only been a few days. He might pull it out of the bag yet....

TimeofChange Wed 03-Jul-13 08:36:04

Get some contraception or give up sex.
Keep the horse.
Talk to him.

He has to look for a job.

He has to pull his weight at home.

My XH gave up his job 6 months after we got married, it was not good.
He didn't really get better either.

My friend spent 12 hours per day looking for work and did find it.
He reckoned he worked harder looking for a job than he had worked in his high level very stressful previous job.

Horsemad Wed 03-Jul-13 08:48:06

I would go mad if this happened to me. You have to tell him what you expect him to be doing in the house whilst you are at work earning money.

Tell him 'you can't just chuck in your job when you have responsibilities'.

LIZS Wed 03-Jul-13 08:51:15

You say he has a patchy employment history , has he done this before ? A week's notice would suggest it wasn't a particularly secure job either. He won't be able to claim JSA in the foreseeable and those joint savings will deplete quickly . He needs to know that you cannot possibly consider a baby with such a insecure outlook. He is freeloading, it is a luxury that he thinks can just opt to drop out for a bit, and at very least should contribute in terms of housework and active job seeking. If he does the former you will have more time and energy to assist the latter.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Jul-13 08:54:30

I honestly think you need to be very blunt and tell him that doing nothing is not an option.

1) Either he is working and bringing money in or he is taking care of the home while he looks for work because expecting you to bring the money and do all the house stuff while he sits on his arse all day is not an option.

2) you can't afford to live on one wage long term. The figures don't add up and once his savings are gone, there's a problem!

I truly would not even consider bringing a child into this situation. I think you need to sort it out before carrying on trying to have a baby. If you can't afford a horse -you can't afford a child!

melika Wed 03-Jul-13 08:57:01

I have an 18yr old DS that won't/can't get a job, any job. It is so frustrating.

He really should have looked for another job before he jacked the last one in. He sounds very immature as though he needs looking after.
Big chat needed, ground rules set. Make sure he knows your point of view.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 08:58:18

Re the horse - he is 32, so if i can't afford to keep him, he gets to die.

I know the communication is my problem too. I am just so angry that i don't feel able to have a sensible conversation without getting angry or crying. I was fed up last night, got the what's wrong thing. Said nothing much, he went and got in bath. I cooked tea
theres now two nights of washing up. I got more pissed off. This morning he said 'what exactly is your problem with me?' so i tried to explain. Didn't get far and now upset and late for work.

I am all too aware of my age when it comes to baby making.

LIZS Wed 03-Jul-13 09:02:33

Maybe you should give him a list of a few things to do a day - shopping , chores etc. He will probably use the last chipped mug rather than wash up the obvious dirties.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 09:04:31

I just wish he would understand that i'm upset and angry because of him. That's not going to just go away and if i'm grumpy he needs to try and put things right. Or when i get in tell me what he's done to find work, or have noticeably done stuff in the house. There were new plants in the front garden yesterday. F**k the plants, do the bloody washing up!

I came home fed up then just got worse as i noticed what hadn't been done.

Apparently he is feeling the pressure. Good. And sorry but his behaviour doesn't show it.

Yes he has high blood pressure but has done nothing to help himself. I have heart problems and was in papworth the week before he gave notice.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Jul-13 09:06:14

If you get upset and become inarticulate when trying to talk to him, write it all down and email it to him

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 09:08:54

And re the wedding - were engaged for years, wanted to get a house first. Also i prefer the idea of being married before babies. It was a great day only serving to make me feel like a fool atm.

havingamadmoment Wed 03-Jul-13 09:15:50

okI can sympathize with you although my situation was a little different.
We were happy, DH had a good job I was pregnant (planned) with dc4. One day DH woke up crying and totally unable to get out of bed, do anything or face the world - to this day we have no idea why. He quit his job before we had had ny sort of chance to talk about it. I was a 30 week pregnant SAHM with 3 older children it was a disaster.

HOWEVER, this is what you need to tell your husband - DH didnt just have a holiday off even though he was ill, he did what he could in the house at first even if that was literally just getting up and facing the day but after a few weeks and some treatment he started working freelance and actually built up the business which we now BOTH work in (along with other employees!) 4 years later.

Your dh is being pathetic, I dont care if he has quit his job, thats reallt up to him but he should be looking for other ways to make his day worth while - either he is a stay at home husband which with no children to worry about I woudl expect to mean him doign nearly 100% of the housework OR he needs to be finding work or income.

wharrgarbl Wed 03-Jul-13 09:16:49

Said nothing much, he went and got in bath.

I think my head just exploded.

2rebecca Wed 03-Jul-13 09:16:57

High blood pressure is often a genetic thing anyway, people with low stress jobs get it and your blood pressure gets higher as you get older. having high blood pressure means you should stop smoking, lose weight, exercise and go on tabs if necessary. it's not a reason to avoid all stress in life. He shouldn't use it as an excuse to lounge about all day.

specialsubject Wed 03-Jul-13 09:20:47

do you enjoy this man's company? Does he enjoy yours? If not, why bother with any of this?

also hate to say it, but be less dependent on the horse. It is 32 and they don't live forever.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 03-Jul-13 09:24:17

Yes write him a letter or email. You may find it helps to set it all out in black and white.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 09:31:36

I'm not dependant on the horse, he is dependant on me. I know they don't live forever. I also know that if i have to put him to sleep before his time has come, because my husband gave his job up, that i won't be able to forgive him.

I think i Will write it down. Thank you all. Yes we do get on quite well normally.

Is he getting treatment for the high blood pressure? Or has he just decided he has it after having a go on one of those machines in the chemist and is using it as a 'Poor Me, I'm Exempt from Effort' card?

He does sound parasitic: I agree with the posters who think that he has probably decided that now you are married it is your job to keep him. I wonder if he's fairly good-looking and therefore considers himself a special, valuable creature that people should feel privileged to look after.

VeganCow Wed 03-Jul-13 09:35:25

The horse IS important. You have a 32 year old horse that you need to support. I would be putting the horse before him tbh. Always.

MrsDeVere Wed 03-Jul-13 09:45:09

Of course the horse is important.
He hasn't got long left bless him.

Why the hell should he be PTS because of your husband acting like a single man?

Who gets to just bloody give up work because they feel like it anyway?

TalkativeJim Wed 03-Jul-13 09:50:47

Look, this man is a parasite. I agree that the timing is NOT a coincidence: as soon as you are what many people would consider 'tied' to him, he downs tools. This is entirely in keeping with his history so far; and his behaviour since quitting also echoes it perfectly - sitting on his arse, happy to watch others slog away to keep him.

If you can't speak without getting upset/angry, write him a letter. Do it now.

Point out that as you are married, they aren't HIS savings (oops, nice little twist there that he may not have considered!) - they are BOTH of your savings. And you have no intention of seeing them spent on an extended period of loafing for him. So...

-There will be NO dipping into savings without agreement from you both.
-Condoms will be used until he has another job and has stuck it for 3 months.
-His actions are a betrayal of what the marriage vows are supposed to mean. He made a unilateral decision which has thrown your whole lives into jeopardy. If he doesn't make every effort, EVERY EFFORT to get a new job as soon as possible, you will look at having the marriage anulled.
-For his information, he needn't think that because he knows you want to start a family, that you will put up with the situation as you need him/the marriage to remain in place. Point out that if he's going to turn into a lazy cocklodger, then you'll split anyway, and you might be better off right now making the decision to dump him and start a family through sperm donation.

Now, getting a letter outlining that is going to make him shit his pants.

Which is exactly what you need - not only to stop him WASTING your savings now, but to knock any further nonsense on the head.

Take a hard line, and you might, might be able to curtail the worst of this guy. But you'll always end up carrying a dead weight, it seems. Is he worth it?

"Yes we do get on quite well normally."
Sorry, but the phrase "damned with faint praise" sprang immediately to mind sad.

LIZS Wed 03-Jul-13 10:23:05

I have a nasty feeling he would consider your potential ml on similar terms .

2rebecca Wed 03-Jul-13 13:03:24

Would you be able to afford the horse if you were single though? Whilst I think he shouldn't have just chucked his job and that he should be doing the housework if he's at home (and you should be able to tell him to do the housework if he's at home without turning it into a drama) he never chose the horse and having it wasn't a joint decision.
There are no kids here and bills for a house for 2 aren't usually much more than for one so I wonder if he feels he has been doing a job he hates to pay for a horse he doesn't want anyway if you can't afford the horse on your salary alone.
The relationship sounds very poor though.

VeganCow Wed 03-Jul-13 13:12:28

LIZS fair point not thus considered.

nenevomito Wed 03-Jul-13 13:13:26

The comment at 13:03:24 was so dense you could pour it on a desert and call it custard.

TalkativeJim Wed 03-Jul-13 13:17:30

Well, for mat leave, she could cheerfully compile a bill for a live-in, 24 hour nanny who charges double time for doing washing, ironing and cooking - and present it to him for payment of his half of the cost of raising their joint child.

imnotmymum Wed 03-Jul-13 13:22:40

Does he realise what the employment rates are right now?? I would be furious

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 14:50:15

Sorry i didn't understand LIZ last comment.

The horse is mine, i had already owned him for years before H came along, and have always paid for him myself without help from H. Although he would have helped if i asked him. We share mortgage and bills equally though i often buy all the food and heating oil. This was because i earn more although since the last job was better paid he has bought more food - we had started taking it in turns to shop.

I have to admit to being a bit peeved that he gets to not work.

I wouldn't have bought this house on my own. I couldn't afford it on my own horse or not.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 14:50:58

Imnotmymum - that's something that really concerns me.

imnotmymum Wed 03-Jul-13 14:53:34

I bet it does Notta what does he say about it I mean this cannot go on and it is a shame your savings are being used for no good reason.

LIZS Wed 03-Jul-13 15:14:12

What I meant was that he could equate his choice not to work, do as much or little around the house as suits and have a "career break" with your potential maternity leave - even though having and looking after a baby is a full time job in itself let alone managing a home day to day. He has a distorted sense of entitlement.

There was another thread recently about the financial implications of one partner being economically inactive and supported financially by the other. Do you have a joint account ? Maybe he will yet surprise you by job hunting and cleaning up.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 15:46:40

Oh i didn't catch on about what 'ml' meant. I hope i will get home and find the washing up done. We have a joint account that we pay an equal amount into to service the mortgage, council tax, water, elec, house insurance etc.

Do you think he is deliberately trying to wind you up? Is he playing some silly mind games with you?

Resigning from his job to pursue his leisure, not pull his weight at home, and innocently ask his fuming new wife "whats wrong?" seems not just strange but highly manipulative to me!

What is he trying to prove? What is he trying to achieve?

How come he does not realize that as an adult, in a committed relationship, letting one party work her arse off, earning money, and cooking and doing domestic chores is not only out of the question! It is downright cruel!

" I hope i will get home and find the washing up done."
Did that happen, OP? And if it didn't, what did you say to him?

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 22:46:06

It did happen. He was just finishing it when i got home at 7.15pm. And he had bought me a dvd which he left in the place where my post goes. Trying to make casual conversation with me. It only serves to not miss me off further though rather than make anything better.
I don't know if he's trying to wind me up. Cap at communication as i am, i have made it clear that i am upset and angry. I think because i managed to put it to the back of my mind at the weekend he stupidly thought that was 'it' and was somewhat surprised to find me grumpy again.

Roshbegosh Wed 03-Jul-13 22:51:02

Ffs stop all the being grumpy. He won't get it. SPEAK to him.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Jul-13 22:53:19

I agree you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 23:00:35

I know i need to speak to him but to be honest i HAVE spoken to him, not in the last few days, but i HAVE made it perfectly clear how i feel which is why it infuriated me when he starts the 'what's wrong' crap So i have to tell him again, and again? Everytime i'm feeling pissed off, or upset or just bloody fed up with it all?

Roshbegosh Wed 03-Jul-13 23:04:00

Well give him a grumpy look then and say everything is fine.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Jul-13 23:10:28

Then you need to tell him to fuck right off

I don't see where else this is leading, tbh

aldiwhore Wed 03-Jul-13 23:29:31

Firstly I understand your anger, frustration and fear.

Second.... may take longer. When I was 10 my dad 'gave up his job', he was a director in a big corporation, Mum was a part time 'something' (her career was in radiology but she'd given it up/taken a break because of Dad's job - rightly so, from a 'pot o money' point of view) it came out of the blue for us kids (again rightly so, why heap worry on us) but I suspect that after months and months of my Dad stressing and (badly) vocalising his Distress, suddenly Dad was unemployed.

My dad is a good man, who reached his limit FAR before he handed in his notice.

Anyway. Mum gave him a month to 'de-stress' and he did the garden, and played darts, went fishing and was utterly miserable.

He then got another job.

Here's the relevant stuff. Mum really DID allow him (what she called) Healing Time. He's a good man, a provider, he loved us kids (still does) but he'd reached his limit. He needed his healing time (Mum refers to it as moping time, he did fuck all around the house during this time which must have really pissed my mum off...)

End of story - he eventually got another job. We as a family moved 250miles from home (I was 15, not to be recommended) and started over. It was difficult, major sacrifices had to be made, my mother's frustrations and worries were completely valid BUT... looking back, we all acknowledge that although it was shit for all of us, my Dad simply would not be here now if he hadn't walked. He's a Yorkshireman, proud, strong, a fervent provider, a work addict (so long as the family are ok) and if he walked, we have to trust that it really was a make or break situation.

Your DH has left his job, and that's not easy. Not if you have any pride. You're right to take the stance that this isn't acceptable, BUT... you're a couple, and sometimes you have to soak up the shit of the other and life doesn't work to order. Telling him you're pissed off every time you see him adds no value, nagging him to get work adds none either. If you can mange for a couple of months, then dig deep and manage. He will also not turn into a perfect housewife overnight, especially give the circumstances.

Roll with it. Live to necessity only. If you have no children, and you do have an old horse, what is it that makes you not be able to manage? Outgoings? Slash them. If you cannot survive on just your wage AND keep the horse/child (I mean that respectfully, your horse is important and you can't just get rid) then you need to show your DH the facts... move home, somewhere smaller, somewhere that can be supported on just your wage alone, somewhere that he has no say until he earns.

YANBU in your worry. YABU to think he should just put up and shut up. Shit happens. Believe me it happens big. May as well accept it.

MysteriousHamster Wed 03-Jul-13 23:48:54

OP, just wanted to check - you said you were waiting for your cycle to come back - is there any chance you could be pregnant now? Because of course you would ovulate before your first period.

While he's not working, he should absolutely be in charge of the bulk of housework and cooking. If I were in your shoes I would go on strike domestically, even if it means taking his clothes out of the wm to wash only yours, and heating up a ready meal for one instead of cooking for you both - just until he understands that you shouldn't have to carry the full weight by yourself.

Given he has a history of parasitism, I'd be interested to know a little bit more about his tewwible howwible job that he had to pack in. Was it something with an inbuilt high distress factor such as dealing with violent/traumatised/mentally ill/dead or dying clients? Was it physically more than usually dangerous? Was there a bully or a culture of bullying in the workplace?

Or was he being 'stressed and upset' by such unreasonable demands as being expected to turn up on time and do some actual work while he was in the workplace?

LessMissAbs Thu 04-Jul-13 04:52:42

I agree that the timing of this is related to your getting married. From how you describe his behaviour, he actually sounds quite pleased with himself.

Its also very odd that you feel unable to communicate your annoyance and financial worries to him. Well at least you are communicating it, but not verbally, and he is choosing not to listen.

You almost sound in awe of him, lest you annoy him and he leaves you. As a poster above suggested, I wonder if he is very good looking and considers this makes up for his lack of earning. Its funny though how men become unattractive when they cannot support themselves.

Tbh, given his employment history and current feckless behaviour, and that he is not some high earning over stressed manager, you might as well save yourself time and start the wheels of divorce in motion, on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. Also get the house on the market.

He's either not going to change and do this again and again, or serving divorce papers will give him the wake up call he needs.

Also start adding up how much he is costing you from now on. I dont believe you have asked for the services of a house husband, or indeed need them, so this is not to be taken as some kind of payback by him.

LessMissAbs Thu 04-Jul-13 04:56:14

Oh and op, prioritise your own health. If you were in papworth last week, stop holding down a full time job and are obviously stressed and worried sick due to his self inflicted unemployment, this man is not good for you and could affect your health very badly over time.

Congratulations on keeping a horse healthy to such a good age, and long may the horse's retirement continue!

LessMissAbs Thu 04-Jul-13 04:57:01

Sorry should read STILL holding down a full time job!

Oblomov Thu 04-Jul-13 05:13:55

My dh is a Manager and seems to lose his job every 1.5-2 yrs. It is truely awful.
I'm sure another of these times, is about to present itself soon, (I can just feel it in my bones).
Dh hates job searching. Whereas I always enjoy it when I have to do it. But he has to. He has a list of all websites, and goes throrugh them.
He does also do all the cooking and cleaning. Guilt, I guess.

But, when he is out of work, it is a very painfull and stressful time.

Some hard talks are what is requirted right now, for Op's dh. Tell him, calmly but firmly, what you expect and that this is just not on. Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. If you do, you have lost before you even begin.
Hope you get this sorted, soon OP.

McGeeDiNozzo Thu 04-Jul-13 05:28:21

I agree with aldiwhore, and to some extent also with SolidGoldBrass.

First of all, YANBU to be angry.

But you do not seem to be giving him a chance to decompress. That, I am afraid, I do see as unreasonable.

He felt bad enough about his job that he upped and left with no prospects. That is a tactically very bad move, which, again, I'll say that you're right to be concerned about: but it's also also a very brave one. So, while you may have listened to him for 45 minutes a night for six months, now is not, unfortunately, the time for that support to stop. He quit his job to take a weight off his mind; if that weight is merely replaced by the weight of your anger, then he's basically just swapped one problem for another one, meaning that his decision to quit his job, which was supposed to alleviate stress, has actually achieved sod all. It's within your control to make sure that he gets whatever respite he needs and is able to move on.
If you're not willing to do that, then fine, but don't expect the situation to improve any time soon.

Having said that, SGB asks valid questions, and if the answer to any of those is less than satisfactory, then you can ignore every word I've just said. If you haven't already.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 04-Jul-13 05:39:08

Yep, I agree with aldi as well. This guy has been talking about how much he hates his job for six months. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision.

I would sit down with him and talk. I KNOW you say you've talked already, but it sounds like you've made it clear that you're pissed off and he's acknowledged that but then 'forgotten' the next day - that's different from having a partner-to-partner "where do we go from here" talk. Which lays out your fears about the mortgage, and the horse, and the resentment about the housework, and hopefully comes to an agreement that, for example: he gets two weeks to decompress BUT has to do the housework in that time, and after that it becomes his full-time job to job-hunt. If he's depressed, he seeks treatment. You need an agreement about what happens if the money runs out. You also need an agreement about who pays for what when he's back in work.

Nottalotta Thu 04-Jul-13 08:53:19

Thank you all, i am trying not be all 'yes but.....' in my responses as i really want to take something from this.

His job was not what you would consider stressful. But obviously he found it stressful. My worry is that he is very .....immovable about things when he considers he is doing it right. Regardless of what others think (boss..) In the job he couldn't please the unreasonable boss and found it stressful as he knew that if left to his own devices the business would run smoothly.

aldi thank you for you for your post. I had planned to give him the two or three weeks moping time. And was doing - i haven't given him a list of jobs or asked him to do anything at all. I haven't nagged or moaned. But i'm still worried and he is obviously picking up on it and starts asking me what's wrong. I don't want to start that conversation at this stage but he won't leave it. So i guess we need to have it sooner. And regardless of moving time i don't think its excessive to expect the washing up to be done.

I'm at work now but am going to read through all these pcosts again.

I'm not pregnant.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 04-Jul-13 08:54:29

Any chance you could get a lodger in to help pay the mortgage?

Nottalotta Thu 04-Jul-13 09:02:50

If it came to it i would. I know for a fact H wouldn't be happy with that but if we had to he wouldn't have a choice.

Oh and he is reasonably good looking. Difficult to say this without sounding awful - i thought we were about the same, but apparently people think he's 'done well' (cringe)

wordfactory Thu 04-Jul-13 09:12:25

I think there are some circumstances where giving up a job is not only valid, but imperative.

If my DH came home tonight and said he couldn't continue, I'd support him all the way. But in context, the man has worked like a trjoan for this family for nearly tweny years. I would accept it was a last resort.

OP, this doesn't seem to be the case for your DH.

He wasn't burnt out, or at the end of his tether. He was just pissed off. In those circumstances he should have looked for another hjob while he was still working.

You need to ask him why he didn't do that.

I'm wondering actually, if he was sacked? Or if he jumped just before he was going to be pushed?

Anyway, you need to explain to him how worried you are for the future. Ask him what his plans are now.

Triumphoveradversity Thu 04-Jul-13 10:18:27

I am not working for first time in 25 years due to ill health. DH and I have talked about the situation a lot. House is chaotic for the first time ever but even though I'm in pain I still cook a decent dinner every day, make him some lunch to take when he is around as he works abroad quite a bit and do all the laundry. It's because I want to make a contribution.

I had a colleague whose other half gave up his job, he has spent nine years doing sweet FA. He hardly does any housework at all and is a total parasite and she runs around after him. He is a really nice looking bloke but to me is one of the ugliest because of the way he treats her.

You need to sit down with him now and tell him what your telling us.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 04-Jul-13 21:10:01

Right, get the ads out for a lodger immediately. If he freaks, ask him what his alternative plan for paying the mortgage is. That might jolt him into action.

AudrinaAdare Thu 04-Jul-13 22:27:08

I was briefly married to one of those special men that it should have been my privilege to look after. He genuinely thought I was unreasonable after having DD that I finally kicked him out when she was six months old.

I got up to her in the night, woke, sorted her out for CM, took a taxi to said CM while he lay snoring (I couldn't drive but I paid for a car for him) paid CM while I worked, picked her up, taxi home to find him on the Playstation with breakfast dishes unwashed.

Funnily enough, he is living with his mother aged almost fifty and taking the piss out of her, having been found guilty of being a useless cocklodger by every woman of his generation that he has been in contact with.

He would work occasionally, to be fair, but it was always too stressful after a couple of weeks, no matter what he was doing. And the CSA have informed me recently that he has taken his first job in over thirteen years since DD was born having being dodging around on this benefit and that all this time. I'll not hold my breath hmm Good luck OP.

pinkr Fri 05-Jul-13 04:46:40

If my DH did this there would be no danger of me having sex with him! he needs to learn that in a marriage there are two people and that you have to respect your partner. The job thing is bad and there's nothing more unattractive than a work shy free loader...and the house work etc is the limit. He if selfish and that won't change...please don't have a child with this man. The horse is like a child in that it is completely dependent and relies on you to provide what it needs...he just shit all over that.

pinkr Fri 05-Jul-13 04:48:10

Sorry...if I were you if be seeking legal advice and not let him blow your savings etc

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