To long for a world free from cunting pigeons

(141 Posts)
HoneyDragon Tue 02-Jul-13 17:57:23

Because the dog







And they just it there staring.


Coo, coo, coo. All day.

Bark, coo, bark, coo.

I apologised to the neighbours, thankfully they haven't noticed the dog. They will when I run after the feathery bastards with a chain saw though.

I hate those feral ones which hop into the garden (with fleas...) looking scrawny and pathetic then killed the baby blackbirds when they were in the nest last year.

PoppyWearer Tue 02-Jul-13 18:49:21

We have some nesting in front of our house. angryangry

PoppyWearer Tue 02-Jul-13 18:49:32


ihatethecold Tue 02-Jul-13 18:50:45

Omg same here.
I hate the feckers.
They wake me up at 5am everyday!!!!!angry

We have bloody great fat fucking wood pigeons round here. They spend their time walking up and down my front path shitting a lot. It's like a bloody assault course dodging the shit and washing it away is do not my fave morning activity!!!

ClaraOswald Tue 02-Jul-13 18:53:21

Isn't that a smidge of an over-reaction Honey?

<coo, coo>

FadBook Tue 02-Jul-13 18:54:31

I have shagging pigeons on my fence on daily basis.

My garden has many feathers.

I keep clapping and shouting at them.

I don't need more pigeons.

I need to get a gun cat.

SlouchingPanda Tue 02-Jul-13 18:56:09

Wood pigeons are destroying my vegetable plot. I am considering an air rifle then serving their pan fried breast on a bed of their favourite leaves.

BeGoodElliot Tue 02-Jul-13 19:02:28

Urgh, I hate pigeons! I was walking through the city centre today and one did a u-turn in the air in front of me and rubbed it's flee ridden wings across my arm! Have felt dirty all day!

VeganCow Tue 02-Jul-13 19:20:01

I must be weird as i like pigeons, especially wood pigeons.
I had a breeding pair for years in my garden.

HoneyDragon Tue 02-Jul-13 19:22:17

No Clara it is not. <<glares>>

One is so recalcitrant that it remains on the fence cooing even when you try and poke it off.

It looks at you with its mad beady pigeon eyes, and I SWEAR it muttered "wanker" at me when I told it to fuck off.

Pixel Tue 02-Jul-13 20:48:14

I like them, some of them have beautiful markings. We have BFP (big fat pigeon) who comes into the garden every day to scoff bread and a very sweet pair of collared doves who sit side by side in the tree outside our back door.
The other day I found a racing pigeon with a dodgy wing, he wandered into my living room so I popped him in the cat basket and took him down the vet so they could find his owner. He was cute, seemed to enjoy his car journey!

May I suggest that the problem is actually the untrained dog that doesn't shut up when it's told? wink

HoneyDragon Tue 02-Jul-13 20:52:56

She does shut up when she's told. But the pigeons keep coming back. They are unending. Every coming pigeons.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Tue 02-Jul-13 20:53:05

It looks at you with its mad beady pigeon eyes, and I SWEAR it muttered "wanker" at me when I told it to fuck off. this makes me want to shout fuck off to the thousands of them in my garden (feels like) and see what they have to say grin

Pixel Tue 02-Jul-13 20:55:17

Honey sounds more like Hitchcock's 'The Birds' than normal pigeon behaviour to me. Perhaps your dog is trying to tell you something grin.

5Foot5 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:55:22

I must be weird as i like pigeons, especially wood pigeons.

Yes you are weird - horrible birds.
One great big fat so-and-so destroyed my mini-water garden because it mistook it for a bird bath.

Am not sure to be envy or not about wood pigeons, they're not common here. We just get flying rats with feathers and missing legs.

littlewhitebag Tue 02-Jul-13 20:57:04

I have bloody millions of them exaggerates a little all over our lawn, along with the bastard rabbits. Labrador goes woof, whine, scrabble, let me at the fuckers all day long. I feel your pain Honeydragon

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Tue 02-Jul-13 20:59:08

I adore 'my' woodpigeons.
But maybe they are not the same as Cunting Pigeons, which I must admit, I've not heard of before now.
Do they provide a service, like those birds that pick the bugs off hippopotami? smile

littlewhitebag Tue 02-Jul-13 21:01:29

Cunting pigeons and wood pigeons are the same thing AFAIK.

orangeandemons Tue 02-Jul-13 21:02:20

Pigeons are vermin IMO.

A few up turned nails on their favourite roosting patch soon sorts the little bastards out

Failing that a large cannon would do he trick

Well, surely all you need to do is release your alter ego... grin grin

Or, alternatively, try something from here.

NatashaBee Tue 02-Jul-13 21:11:47

You are being the least unreasonable that any poster in AIBU has every been.

I hate bastarding pigeons.

TeaCuresEverything Tue 02-Jul-13 21:13:19

Oooh now this is my kind of thread.

I LOATHE fucking pigeons. Scabby, scaly, disease ridden cunts.

Ruining every meal I try to have outside angry

MalcolmTuckersMum Tue 02-Jul-13 21:14:44

I have a one legged pigeon in my garden. Four freaking years it's been coming here. Four years. It should have been dead 3 3/4 years ago ffs. It hops around tilting pathetically to one side and it's one leg is so strong it looks like a fucking chicken drumstick. I am a bird lover so I make sure it doesn't starve and even the dog recognises how pathetic it is and leaves it alone!

badbride Tue 02-Jul-13 21:14:57

Am intrigued as to what "cunting" pigeons do. Are they roosting in your minge? If so, YADNBU. grin

mypussyiscalledCaramel Tue 02-Jul-13 21:15:19

I live across from our church, I hear pigeons all day everyday. IMHO seagulls are worse.

I have been woken many times by a pigeon cooing at midnight and also sodding gulls.

At least the jackdaws go to bed and stay theregrin

We also have a feral pigeon problem, to the point where falcons were tried. They decided, in the end that a cull was the only option, plus some gel stuff that looks like fire to pigeons.

The only plus side, is that my cat spends hours watching them coo in a tree across the way.

We also have a man who trundles around at 5am scraping the shit off the pavement with his fecking spade.

I'd rather have any bird except gulls, to be honest

lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain Tue 02-Jul-13 21:16:17


I love a nice pan fried pigeon breast for dinner!

Alternatively, move our way where any pigeon that sits still for too long gets mistaken for dead and carted off by a red kite for a tasty snack.

Startail Tue 02-Jul-13 21:20:11

We have pigeons and seagulls in our city centre, they are a menace.

MadBusLady Tue 02-Jul-13 21:22:01

YANBU. One nearly flew into my face outside Euston today. The rats of the sky.

thishouseisashittip Tue 02-Jul-13 21:24:18

You are soooooo not being unreasonable (so much so it was totally worth writing the whole phrase!)
DISCLAIMER - if you are of a sensitive nature block your ears now! ........ I fuckin hate the bastard cunting twating cock sucking wank stains!!!! Death to all pigeons!!

MadBusLady Tue 02-Jul-13 21:25:40

Hm. This now makes me wonder if the pigeon that perches on my rose arch which I think of as a lovely cooing woodpigeon is in reality a dirty London pigeon that commutes in to Trafalgar Square every day for a hard day's eating fags and flying into people's faces.

orangeandemons Tue 02-Jul-13 21:25:51

Not keen then House?

EMUZ Tue 02-Jul-13 21:28:02

One sat in the middle of the road the other day and narrowly escaped death. I think it was his mate that then dive bombed my car in retaliation. Pigeon feathers bloody everywhere

SisterMatic Tue 02-Jul-13 21:29:56

A fucking chicken drumstick!! That made me laugh!

I have two at the bottom of my garden that are always bloody fighting slapping eachother with their wings.

ClayDavis Tue 02-Jul-13 21:31:31

YANBU. Pigeons should be banned. The same with cunting seagulls.

VeganCow Tue 02-Jul-13 21:32:27

MalcolmTuckersMum you made me laugh, chicken drumstick haha! Am pleased you look after it though smile

thishouseisashittip Tue 02-Jul-13 21:35:28

What gives you that idea orange?!

Bloody terrified of them if I'm honest��

i like pigeons. we dont have many here. we have loads of seagulls though. dh and i have sort off adopted the baby one at the back of our house. there are quite a lot of babies on roofs around our house. they have cute little churps and everything

HoneyDragon Tue 02-Jul-13 21:58:56

I don't think a bird scared will work Moonlight. 29 kilo of Labrador muscle doesn't.

And yes, that's the other thing about pigeons. They coo in the dark. That sends the Labrador batshit.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Tue 02-Jul-13 22:07:06

Hate the fat little buggers.
DD1 is expert at creeping up behind them with a party popper.
DH suggested an air rifle but I'm rather fond of our fence.

greenhill Tue 02-Jul-13 22:09:16

We have amorous pigeons here: or rather lots of insistent males and females that are always either running away or getting squashed by lust.

They are better than seagulls though <whistles innocently>

Pixel Tue 02-Jul-13 23:29:53

I like seagulls too. All you people who don't like them should bog off and live inland.

(can someone please explain what the tennis ball smiley us supposed to mean. I know it's wimbledon and all but I'm confused)

tinkertitonk Tue 02-Jul-13 23:47:44

But pigeon is delicious!

I admit to not seeing the point of seagulls.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 03-Jul-13 00:11:33

I like pigeons.

Hate loathe and detest seagulls though. How far in land counts? I live 8 miles inland and still see the fuckers

MyBaby1day Wed 03-Jul-13 03:48:26

YABU, about 2 weeks ago I was out eating a 99 and a tiny bit of the flake had dropped. Then came this pigeon (no fear AT ALL) came right upto me and ate it. He was circling round me and my pal who I was with, my pal at one point (when he was wandering at the back of her) grin said "I don't trust him" ha ha, neither did I. Some time after he walked right upto some teenagers and a horrible lad throw something at him sad. He said "it walked right upto me"!, well I found it cute (though I did watch my ice-cream)! grin. But I have no ill feeling towards any creature in the animal world (the human one is however a different story). I just try and live in harmony with them. Be kind to our feathered friends peeps!!. They're only animals and don't have a clue what they're doing!! smile

RealAleandOpenFires Wed 03-Jul-13 04:00:25

City pigeons & seagulls vermin should be culled as much as possible or be given contraceptives some how. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

town pigeons are skanky,deseise infested little shit machines.
now im in the country the wood pigeons are fine.
I would be more pissed off with an annoying dog that barks at anything that comes within its line of vision.

greenhill Wed 03-Jul-13 07:18:22

See, we are a nation of animal lovers (warning Dail Mail link). I don't dislike our wood pigeons and collared doves here, but whenever I see seagulls I wonder why they are so far inland, as I live in a land locked county.

greenhill Wed 03-Jul-13 07:18:40

See, we are a nation of animal lovers (warning Dail Mail link). I don't dislike our wood pigeons and collared doves here, but whenever I see seagulls I wonder why they are so far inland, as I live in a land locked county.

limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 08:22:38

Two wood pigeons keep coming into my garden. I think they're still trying to nest - do the fat fuckers breed all year round?

They're so bold/lazy they don't get scared when I rattle the back door any more. I have to find my shoes and go right up to them with a-gun--

And the greedy bastards devastated the new leaves in the spring before I noticed.

crashdoll Wed 03-Jul-13 08:26:10

YANBU. Crashdog hates them too!

merlincat Wed 03-Jul-13 08:45:38

Mark Thomas said that there should be a law demanding everyone kills one pigeon per week. If someone is too busy then they would have to pay someone else to do it and hand in their dead pigeon at their local police station.

I totally agree about seagulls. We live by the sea and god, how these bastards hate us. The look in their mad little eyes is pure loathing; I had a staring match with one once and it won.

saintmerryweather Wed 03-Jul-13 08:53:35

i like to read in the local paper about people whinging about being divebombed by nesting seagulls. dont live on the coast then you stupid twats.

dont have a problem with pigeons either though, theyre pretty cute

I love pigeons. Love gulls even more. I grew up by the sea, in a fishing town, and nearly every house had a pair of Herring Gulls nesting on the roof. We lived in a very tall thin house, and I loved going to the top floor and looking across the rooftops of the town to watch the gulls going about their daily life in their own 'town' that was superimposed on the humans' town.

limited, yes, the fat fuckers do breed all year round grin

freddiefrog Wed 03-Jul-13 09:05:30

Other than the amorous pair who wake me up shagging on my fence at 5am every bloody morning, pigeons aren't too much of a problem here

Seagulls on the other hand, hate them

SoupDragon Wed 03-Jul-13 09:08:32

Get rid of the dog. Problem solved.

TheCuntingPigeon Wed 03-Jul-13 09:16:56


limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 09:21:56

You don't have to live on the coast to be dive-bombed by gulls.

I once saw two fighting in the road over a pigeon that had been run over <good>

They flew off with a wing each and it tore and its guts landed inches from me shock

Latara Wed 03-Jul-13 09:22:51

Don't worry CuntingPigeon my cat loves watching you.

Even if she only wants to eat you.

DaveThePigeon Wed 03-Jul-13 09:23:13

<Wanders in>

Coo Coo

<Wanders out again>

limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 09:25:27

I hate those mad pigeon-fanciers who buy Value loaves reduced to a penny and feed the bastards.

Supermarkets should be banned by law from selling more than one Value loaf to anyone with a tartan Sholley.

limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 09:28:33

Gulls can shit on you at will, can't they?

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 09:29:07

i am so pleased to see this thread. i fucking hate pigeons. our dog caught 5 of them one weekend and they still didn't go away. they build rubbish nests, the baby birds fall out on my decking and have to be cleared up. they squeeze themselves into my tiny bird house and frighten away all the nice birds (robins, jays) and they shit all over my lawn. hate them. gardeners have offered to shoot them for me but no doubt more will appear to take their place.

MrsGeologist Wed 03-Jul-13 09:33:17

We had a nest of collared doves in our chimney. Our fire was unusable, but the chimney still intact. The fuckers would coo down the chimney all the fucking time, and it would echo into our living room.


In Sri Lanka they have sleek green-and-orange pigeons. With blue eyes. Which hide discreetly in tree-tops. Still like our grey, fat, annoying ones though grin

limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 09:35:26

They are rubbish nest-builders mrsravelstein.

My two tried to squeeze their fat arses into a nest that had been left the year before by blackbirds. I thought they'd work out that it was too small but they didn't. I had to knock it down in the end and cut some branches to make the bush less inviting.

They still come back. The only thing that would make my bush less inviting is if I burned it down with them in it.

limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 09:36:52

That green and orange one looks like something that might hatch after a radiation leak.

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 09:38:55

apparently they keep coming back to the same nest site no matter what you do. we got rid of the wisteria over our decking mainly because of the bloody dead baby pigeon scenario, but they don't seem to have noticed the absence of tree.

Damnautocorrect Wed 03-Jul-13 09:42:06

It's the magpies for me, little bastards attacking all the baby birds, making all the mummies constantly peep. I'm in and out like a yoyo trying to scare them off.

4x4 Wed 03-Jul-13 09:45:32

Thanks for reminding me HoneyDragon
We are contemplating relocating back to the UK
Top of my list of cons of moving back to London is going to be pigeons.
A great event would be a London pigeon cull - prizes for the most bagged .
Also could have a shot at eliminating
the stupid wee smelling old codgers who
keep lard and breadcrumbs for them and
tip it out on public paths.

Goshawks have colonised the centre of Berlin and are eating loads of feral pigeons. Go to a Berlin park for lunch and you'll probably see a goshawk catch and disembowel a pigeon within the hour. Goshawk numbers in the UK are increasing, so maybe the same thing will happen in London. There are also the peregrines, dozens of pairs in London now - 47% of the diet of an urban peregrine is pigeons and doves.

tinkertitonk Wed 03-Jul-13 10:31:58

Gerund! Wonderful nick.

I want you to know though, that if in RL you are Fraulein bitching Karcher who tried to teach me German grammar, then you failed.


MadBusLady Wed 03-Jul-13 10:36:08

Peregrines in London has blown my tiny mind. I hope they are accompanied by minstrels, gentlefolk wearing garters, destriers, capering jesters etc.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 03-Jul-13 10:38:43

'feathery bastards' has really made me giggle.

I don't mind them myself. I'm fond of the fat and stupid wood pigeons that frequent my garden, and city pigeons seem to be under better control these days.

But I'd be annoyed about the barking dog and the cooing pigeons too.

tinker don't worry, I am not a German teacher and the only German word I know is scheiße grin

greenhill Wed 03-Jul-13 12:04:32
limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 12:11:01

A pigeon hit me on the back of the head. It wasn't trying to attack me, it was going for a bit of Cornish pasty someone had dropped and obviously had poor spatial awareness.

Viviennemary Wed 03-Jul-13 12:17:42

We don't get many here thank goodness. But in towns they are a menace. But seagulls are a lot worse I think. We don't get any of them either but I have lived in places that do.

peppersaunt Wed 03-Jul-13 12:44:06

Tom Lehrer rocks LFTMAD! One of those flying rats ruined my beautiful new top last week!

greenhill Wed 03-Jul-13 12:56:38

peppersaunt this is the Tom Lehrer song for you...poisoning pigeons in the park grin

Dammit, greenhill - I was just going to come and post a link to that song for Honeydragon. muttermuttermutter

Flobbadobs Wed 03-Jul-13 13:03:23

Pigeons can fuck off. And take the bastarding slugs with them.

limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 13:46:35

Very true. I'd feel more benign towards those fat cooing bastards if they ate the slugs in my garden rather than competing with them for the tenderest leaves.

I don't think many things go for slugs. I think hedgehogs do.

I fancy adopting a disabled hedgehog from a rescue centre. My garden has high walls so it couldn't get out. One wall does have ivy on it - could a three-legged hedgehog climb out?

There are lots of hiding places for it. I used to get a cat in the garden but I haven't seen it for over a year so I think it might be dead.

<hopeful of hedgehog pet>

<obviously I wouldn't treat it as a pet much I'd respect it as a wild creature. I might give it a name, but I'd just use it in my head and when other people weren't listening>

HoneyDragon Wed 03-Jul-13 15:03:38

In fairness. I am also pissed of with the dog. Bit I don't blame her for barking, they are taking the piss, massively.

She has been fairly good today. I think even she mAy admit defeat.

MadBusLady Wed 03-Jul-13 15:09:23

We used to have a hedgehog! It used to come into the guinea pigs' hutch and hang out with them, which they were fine with after all the early experimental impaling.

limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 15:24:28


Don't feel bad. Pigeons are vermin.

I realise that's a controversial thing to say on MN because the reality is that we're species whose worlds have collided. In an ideal world we should all live in peace.

But I've tried negotiating with those fucking wood pigeons and they don't get it.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Wed 03-Jul-13 15:33:14

You should live here! We are surrounded by Hundreds of acres of peas! Pigeons adore peas! confused

Ill tell you whats worse than pigeons...

MUTHER FUCKING CUNTING BASTARD CUCKOOS! The foreign, nest stealing, noisy little shitbags!
We get THREE! endangered MY ARSE! in different directions, all playing "come and ave a go if you think your hard enough"!
From dawn until dusk, every 2 seconds. "cuckoo" "Cuckoo" "fucking cuckoo" Its like water torture! <<loads rifle>>

<<shoots self>>

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Wed 03-Jul-13 15:35:28

Limited Ducks eat slugs. Sadly, ducks are cunts too.

PipkinsPal Wed 03-Jul-13 15:35:44

and seagulls. They make a terrible mess. They screech all day, shit everywhere and don't contribute a jot to society.

How would you suggest seagulls, pigeons et al could contribute to society, PipkinsPal? I am not sure they have a terribly wide skill-set, and I can't see an obvious career path for them.

MadBusLady Wed 03-Jul-13 15:45:54

This thread is like if Beatrix Potter had taken a few wrong turns in life and ended up ranting on a bench in a shopping centre with a bottle of Basics Vodka.

Flobbadobs Wed 03-Jul-13 15:48:36

Oh bugger, my peas are flowering and I didn't get any pea net! Trip to the garden centre tomorrow methinks..

LulaPalooza Wed 03-Jul-13 15:52:33

YANBU at all. I loathe and despise cunting pigeons. The fuckers sit on the roof above our living room (top floor flat) and coo fucking coo all day and they also shit all over my balcony.

Worse, I have discovered that one of our neighbours is feeding the dirty fucking sky rats which is why they keep coming back!

HoneyDragon Wed 03-Jul-13 15:57:47

Right! I've had enough!

My mum just made me get out her car and chase on off the road as it refused to let her drive further without squishing it.

MalcolmTuckersMum Wed 03-Jul-13 16:00:20

Bloody loving the pigeon nicknames! Nearly coughed up a kidney laughing at 'TheCuntingPigeon* grin

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Wed 03-Jul-13 16:01:22

Pigeons are fair game! If they don't get out of the way....

limitedperiodonly Wed 03-Jul-13 16:11:23

I was going to say ducks saggy but I wasn't sure. They do perform amazingly squirty shits everywhere.

My mum had a duck in WWII in an urban yard and I think his job was to keep slugs off their vegetables. They used to keep rabbits and chickens that were useful edible.

She was a teenager and loved Mr Duck but I bet they ate him in the end.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Thu 04-Jul-13 12:55:20

limited, can you actually really adopt a hedgehog?? Like, actually it comes to live in your garden, rather than you pay loads of money and get a badly photocopied flyer about how it's doing all made up once a year?

If this is true I'm having one. I've just looked them up. I want Gonzales (ho yes they give them names). And I've just discovered that baby ones are called hoglets. [too cute]

TheCuntingPigeon Thu 04-Jul-13 12:58:51

Coo coo coo.

limitedperiodonly Thu 04-Jul-13 13:03:24

I think so. I'm sure I read about it on MN. I can't remember the name of the rescue centre.

I seem to remember that you have to have a secure garden because the hedgehogs have been injured so can't fend for themselves.

It may all have been a fantasy of mine though grin

LadyClariceCannockMonty Thu 04-Jul-13 13:05:42

No, I've just googled some more and although some of them are crap fake adoption things, you can actually have a hedgehog for your garden!!! It is quite specific and rigorous though – you're right, they tend to be disabled and so need feeding, a house and an enclosed garden with no predators <<glares at local foxes>>

A girl can dream, though.

limitedperiodonly Thu 04-Jul-13 13:18:37

I've googled it now. I want one too but there isn't a centre near me sad.

cozietoesie Thu 04-Jul-13 13:24:30

In a former house when I was much younger, we had an ex-raj colonel living next door with a long garden and pigeons at the bottom. He truly hated pigeons.

Every afternoon in summer he would take himself out to his veranda with a large bottle of gin, some tonic and a shotgun. (They were allowed back then.)

So our summer afternoons were punctuated by







persimmon Thu 04-Jul-13 13:27:18

I like the coo of woodpigeons when you can hear it down the chimney. Very soothing.

cozietoesie Thu 04-Jul-13 13:28:37

Not at 4.30 in the morning it ain't!

LadyClariceCannockMonty Thu 04-Jul-13 14:25:37

Bad luck, limited!

Start a centre of your own perhaps? grin

LondonMan Thu 04-Jul-13 19:51:39

Cunting pigeons and wood pigeons are the same thing AFAIK.

I think the first are rock pigeons, i.e. the flying rats that infest cities. I get lots of birds in the garden immediately outside my flat, and even though I'm in the middle of London, the flying rats seem to stay away from the garden, I only ever see wood pigeons there. (Much bigger and fatter.)

Walking through back streets to my local hospital last week, I cut across a mini-park (40 meters squared with grass and a couple of trees) and instead of pigeons there were about 20 crows walking about on the lawn. Don't know what that was about.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 05-Jul-13 15:28:39

They look different to me. Wood pigeons have different colouring. As well as being fat bastards.

GoshlyoHeavens Fri 05-Jul-13 15:32:10

Pigeons are the same as all of us: scabby, disease ridden cunts us all, alive.

limitedperiodonly Fri 05-Jul-13 17:00:02

Speak for yourself. Since I've been to the clinic I'm not scabby and disease-ridden any more.

I am a cunt though.

Feral pigeons, the ones that live on buildings and are popularly designated 'rats with wings', are the gone-feral descendents of domestic pigeons (racing, homing, fantail, etc etc). Domestic pigeons are themselves the descendents of wild rock doves, which you can still find in their original form living around certain very remote rocky seacliffs, in the Western Isles for example. They mostly have orange eyes and black bills, and come in many different colours - most are grey but you also get black, white, piebald and reddish ones. This variety is thanks to their ancestry, a diversity of domestic breeds.

Some feral pigeons:,+Hastings.jpg;,+Hastings.jpg

Woodpigeons are proper wild birds, though they are common in town parks and gardens. They are bigger and fatter, and are light grey with white wing edges and neck patches (except the young ones), and have spooky pale eyes and orange bills.

A woodpigeon:; ; a baby woodpigeon:

Then there are stock doves, another proper wild species which looks like a smaller, daintier woodpigeon, with dark eyes and no white bits. They are rarer but some of the rural MNers probably get them in the garden.

A stock dove:,+East+Sutton.jpg; A stock dove and a woodpigeon together (stock dove at the top):,+SWR.jpg

JakeBullet Fri 05-Jul-13 17:23:17

I promise faithfully to read through the thread but can I just say.....fabulous OP...have just laughed out loud.

Wrong time to say that I fed the town pigeons with DS last week so he could watch the male pigeons cooing and showing off their colourful feathers to the female ones.

JakeBullet Fri 05-Jul-13 17:25:02

....and loving the post about the shotgun owning, gin soaked ex-colonel.grin

Lavenderloves Fri 05-Jul-13 17:26:43

Can you not buy a plastic owl to scare them away?

limitedperiodonly Fri 05-Jul-13 17:27:29

That stock dove is really sweet and the rock pigeons look graceful when they have a full complement of toes. I like the bronze ones you get round here.

I hate wood pigeons though. I wouldn't hurt one. But I would eat it if someone wanted to kill it and dress it for me.

I recommend spatchcocked, marinated in oil with cayenne and oregano and grilled, served on toasted ciabatta on a bed of warm tomatoes, oil and basil.

Collared dove, wood pigeon - just fancy ways to say cunting pigeons. I am having a bastard day - went to enjoy five minutes sunshine and got crapped on by the same dirty great pigeon that's been stealing my fruit. Shot the lot of them I say.

*shoot that is!

TheCuntingPigeon Fri 05-Jul-13 18:42:02

Coo cooooooooooooooooooooooo cooo.


<throws TheCuntingPigeon a handful of delicious, non-poisoned wheat> grin

limitedperiodonly Fri 05-Jul-13 18:57:19

I've never been crapped on by a pigeon.

My mum has always said it's lucky right up until the time a few weeks ago when one crapped on her shoulder a few inches away from mine.

Then she was shrieking for me to get it off her. <smug>

I've never been stung by a wasp either and I want to keep it that way.

I've been crapped on by a pigeon. It's not as bad as being crapped on by a chameleon.

TheCuntingPigeon Fri 05-Jul-13 19:05:58


limitedperiodonly Fri 05-Jul-13 19:10:38

Really, Gerund? I guess it would be squirty and there'd be a lot of it relative to the size of the creature.

I picked up my SIL's lovely dwarf rabbit and was covered in diarrhoea. She'd been feeding it unwisely though I'm not quite sure on what.

MillyStar Fri 05-Jul-13 19:19:22

Thank you for this thread!

I am utterly fed up tonight but I am now laughing my head off!

I also hate the cunts

TheCuntingPigeon Fri 05-Jul-13 19:21:29

flowersflowers flowers flowers tennis flowers flowers flowersflowers
flowersflowersflowers tennis tennis tennis flowersflowersflowers
flowersflowers tennistennistennistennistennisflowersflowersflowers

Coo coo coo coo coo

limited yes, there was a lot more of it than you'd expect, and it was... pungent. Mind you, handfuls of rabbit diarrhoea doesn't sound too good either.

More than 30 pigeons have been awarded the Dickin Medal, for their services in wartime:

Butterflywgs Fri 05-Jul-13 19:29:25

Pigeons can die.
So can seagulls.
Where I live on the south coast, we get both. I have a mild bird phobia - it's not fun feeling on edge every time I go to the shops.
I want to shoot people who feed them angry

HairpinsAndLacquer Fri 05-Jul-13 19:36:59

A pigeon scuppered my chances of going out with Handsome Andrew sad

limitedperiodonly Fri 05-Jul-13 19:37:34

wrt the Dickin Medal: I don't want to hurt animals but they just do what we want them to do, because they're just animals; not human.

It's why I think it's wrong for people to blame foxes for killing wholesale for fun. They do what they do and it's our responsibility to keep our pet rabbits and chickens secure and if we don't then that's our fault, not the fox.

Whenever I go past the smaltzy memorial to animals in WWI and II in Park Lane declaring 'they had no choice' I'm offended because animals don't have a choice, but neither did the humans who were conscripted or guilted into enlisting.

At least the animals didn't know what was going to happen.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 05-Jul-13 22:12:39

A friend was telling me, the two main wild country types of pigeon have different calls. One sounds like its saying "my toooooeeees are hur-ting". The other says "I don't. CARE"!
So not only do I have to put up with cunting pigeons fucking cooing, I then spend the rest of the day with "my toes are hurting" going round and round my fucking head like an earworm!

HoneyDragon Mon 08-Jul-13 17:15:04


I think I have had a breakthrough.

Two pigeons have been doing the pigeon ugly bumps in a noisy flappy fashion. In others words, fucking like only wood pigeons can fuck.

They are brazenly at it on the swing, and the dog did not bark. That's right people, the Labrador is taking the moral high ground and settled for glaring at the counting pigeons instead.

Go Team Labrador!!

HoneyDragon Mon 08-Jul-13 17:15:50

Cunting pigeons. Not counting.

greenhill Mon 08-Jul-13 17:52:19

Coo <looks around> COO <sad pigeon>

HoneyDragon Mon 08-Jul-13 17:59:26

Green hill? grin

limitedperiodonly Mon 08-Jul-13 18:26:49

There's a bird, not a pigeon, that goes: 'tweek-tweek-tweek', outside my bedroom window from 4am to 5am in the summer.

It's probably the grandson or great-grandson of the original bird but I want to kill it.

ZingWantsCake Tue 27-Aug-13 17:55:30

* Pidge*

You are a legend! cake

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