SIL and holiday - aibu to be pissed off?

(73 Posts)
rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:12:38

It's my FIL's 60th birthday soon and he is going to Las Vegas with my MIL. We have all been to Vegas a few times, last time was with DH, PIL, SIL, her DH and their 2 kids. My DH and I have decided we will fly out to Vegas to surprise my FIL for his birthday. He really wants everyone to go, but DS was born 11 months ago so we have told FIL from the beginning there is no chance we will come as I don't want to take DS or leave him with anyone. So as far as he is aware, he is just going away with MIL. MIL knows what we have planned but is sworn to secrecy.

I am leaving DS with my mum as we are only going for 5 nights - they are going for 2 weeks. DH and I booked our tickets back in April and told SIL of our plans. We asked if she and her DH wanted to come too. We said we would be leaving DS as it would be adults only as it is only 5 days. She said she would think about it due to the financial cost but was very excited at the possibility of an adults only holiday.

She has now said she is coming, but doesn't want to leave the kids at home. They are 17 and 15 so not exactly tiny. Their other grandparents live 5 mins away and they were going to stay there, but SIL has now decided she can't possibly leave them (this would be their first holiday without the kids. Ever.) They will also be going out for a week, so will get there 2 days before me and DH.

AIBU to be annoyed that my SIL can't possibly leave 2 teenage kids with their grandparents for 5 days, and will be completely changing the tone of the holiday? The fact that they are getting there 2 days before us means that the surprise will be ruined when DH and I turn up as SIL will be there already. We have spent best part of 2k trying to organise a surprise that FIL will really appreciate and now it feels like we are going to have to spend the 5 days doing stuff the kids can do and helping with babysitting so my SIL and BIL can have a night out. I love my SIL and the kids to bits but this has really annoyed me. AIBU or should I just grit my teeth and bear it?

LastTangoInDevonshire Mon 01-Jul-13 12:14:48

She's being a bit silly and clingy. I can't abide people who have to be attached to their children at all times, under any circumstance.

DarkWinter Mon 01-Jul-13 12:18:24

They're 15 and 17, it's not like they're toddlers.

annh Mon 01-Jul-13 12:18:33

Well you asked your SIL if she wanted to come, so you had to be prepared for the possibility that they might actually take you up on the offer but not actually fly on exactly the same flights as you or for exactly the same amount of time! It may be cheaper or more convenient for them to fly earlier.

I'm not sure what kind of things you would do on an "adults" holiday which you can't do with a 17 and 15 year old? They're not babies who need a nap in the middle of the day or hand holding. And why would you end up "babysitting" them? Surely if their parents want dinner on their own the teenagers are perfectly capable of watching a movie in their hotel room or even going to the hotel restaurant themselves?

DarkWinter Mon 01-Jul-13 12:18:52

(I think you're being a tiny bit U)

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 12:21:29

Just because you don't want to take your 11mo DS, doesn't mean that SIL doesn't want to take her 15 and 17yo DC, and YABU to suggest that they have to fall in with your plans.

I doubt it is clinginess, but more the fact that - at that age - they would really love to see Vegas and might not get another opportunity.

If it has been a struggle for them to get the money together, they may have decided that it must be their main family holiday this year.

FIL will probably really enjoy seeing his teenage grandchildren, and I doubt they will change the mood of the holiday significantly - they won't need to go to bed early or have babysitters or anything like that!

SIL has probably discussed her plans with MIL and she thinks it is a good idea.

I do think it is a shame that they will surprise FIL before you do, but he will still be surprised to see you two days later won't he??

MrsHuxtable Mon 01-Jul-13 12:21:31

I'm surprised shes never left them at that age (I've never left DD either but she's only 17 months).

BUT I think these teenagers are as good as adults and should be perfectly capable of having an adult holiday. It's not like they're gonna need 24 hour supervision etc.

Scholes34 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:21:57

Will a 17 year old and a 15 year old need babysitters?

i would find it easier to leave behind an 11 month old for five days than a 17 and 15 year old. The 11 month old won't know what he's missing. I'd want my older children to be part of the celebrations.

Moxiegirl Mon 01-Jul-13 12:22:09

Yabu she can do what she likes and 2 teens are hardly the same as a baby!

Iaintdunnuffink Mon 01-Jul-13 12:23:16

Grin and bear it.

It could be that she can't stand leaving them, or she could enjoy holidaying with them, or thinking it could very well be the last family holiday with them.

I don't think a 15 & 17 year old will impact on anyone's fun, or alter the tone much? You're not all thinking of drinking until you puke and going to lap dance clubs together? They shouldn't need babysitting, early meals, or non stop entertaining. A baby or toddler would impact the tone.

Moxiegirl Mon 01-Jul-13 12:24:06

And you said Fil wants everyone to go, won't he be happy they are there?

VanitasVanitatum Mon 01-Jul-13 12:24:16

Can completely understand how disappointed you must feel, both at the surprise being ruined and the tone of the holiday changing. It doesn't sound like there is anything you can do about it though, so I would say you just have to try and think about the positives - FIL will still be so delighted you're coming, and if SIL and family keep quiet he still won't be expecting you.. Oh and don't feel obliged to babysit!!

YABU - it is up to them if they want to bring their teenage children. Why should they have to leave them at home?? I tell you, at 15 or 17 if my mum and dad had gone to Vegas and not let me go, I would have been mightily pisse off.

What does it matter to you if their kids come? They are not toddlers and will be quite self sufficient I imagine.

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:25:48

annh - it's Vegas so to be in the casinos etc you have to be 21. Under 21s are only allowed on designated walkways within the casino so it would be unfair on the kids if we wanted to go to a bar or gamble as they are immediately restricted due to their age. They were moved on by a bouncer last year for standing too close to a slot machine. I'm not saying they need a nap or anything like that, its just the very nature of the place is not really geared up to under 21s. We took them last year and they didn't really enjoy it. They don't even want to go this year!

They need 'babysitting' (for want of a better word) as SIL won't leave them in the hotel room alone. Last year I stayed with them and created our own hotel casino so BIL and SIL could go to dinner with DH and their parents.

...and no way do a 15 and 17 year old need babysitting, that is just plain ridiculous.

Yonihadtoask Mon 01-Jul-13 12:27:03

Can't SIL and family stay somewhere else for the two days until you and your DH arrive - and then surprise FIL all together?

I hear you on taking the teen DCS, but as said up thread maybe this is their annual family holiday. I can't see they will get in the way much.

quoteunquote Mon 01-Jul-13 12:27:34

I am not sure i quite understand,

Are you annoyed that they are going before you?

You can still be a surprise,

as for her children not going, they are not babies, i doubt they will need babysitting, and will have a great time,

Unless they are very well off I doubt the family will repeat the trip in the near future, it would be quite a bit mean to make them miss out, for the sake of a piss up.

and I am sure you can drink and gamble (the only things other than sex shows I can that I can think they won't be involved in) separately or in the evenings,

I'm sure your FiL will enjoy having lots of family there.

I'm sure as they are 15 and 17 your SiL is anticipating empty nest syndrome and wants to grab as much family holiday memory time as possible.

At 17 would you of liked been told by an auntie that you were not welcome on a family trip to las vegas , because you might spoil her fun?

MunchMunch Mon 01-Jul-13 12:29:13

YNBU regarding the surprise, I would be pissed off too seeing as it was your idea. Can they tell fil of their plans but not say anything about yours?

YABU (only a little bit though) about the kids. No, they aren't babies so don't need babysitting especially the 17y.o i do understand though that being in a different country it's best that the kids are with family so therefore limiting any bars/casino's sil and bil can go to. Thats their problem though not yours so don't offer to babysit. You've left your dc so you can do as you please for that reason.

GladbagsGold Mon 01-Jul-13 12:30:47

If you were taking your DC would you feel differently? I have a hunch you are regretting this part of it. Why don't you take him and 17 and 15 yo can babysit him?

DoctorRobert Mon 01-Jul-13 12:30:56


I thought you were going to say that her children were babies or toddlers. They are practically adults - would they really require babysitting?

And you did say that your FIL wanted everybody to go...this is supposed to be about him, not you.

MaxPepsi Mon 01-Jul-13 12:31:18

YANBU to be pissed off but you are going to have grin and bear it.

Are the kids high maintenance?

I'm not really sure what they could do in Vegas for a week to be honest <bit dim> aren't they really strict about the gambling and drinking there more than anywhere else?

I know they have fabulous shows etc but again I thought there was a strict age limit? There is surely only so many waterfall and fountain shows they can watch? And other than the strip there is just desert?

disclaimer - totally prepared to have my Vegas knowledge dismissed as complete bollocks!

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:32:11

fair enough, IABU. I suppose I am being a bit selfish. I guess it's just after last year and the kids didn't enjoy it, it seems a bit crazy to me to fork out another 2k to take them on a holiday they don't even want to go on. I won't get involved in any 'babysitting' scenarios this time. My SIL kept on saying how much fun it would be for us all to go without any under 21s but I need to accept that she doesn't want to leave her kids. I love my 2 nieces very much and never thought of the very valid point made by quoteunquote - I would hate them to think I thought they would spoil my fun

They are her children and you can't tell others whether they can or cannot take their own children, whether they are 15 etc is irrelevent. Maybe she feels she doesn't trust them just yet and maybe she doesn't want to be in a separate country from them, after all, all mothers feel differently even with teens.

I really cannot see a problem, it may be that your teen neices wanted to see las vegas and are excited, let your sil make her own choices in regards to her dc.

Iaintdunnuffink Mon 01-Jul-13 12:32:24

Don't offer to babysit then and get on with any things you want to to with Fil.

Your brother and sil know what holiday you're all expecting, they know what they're happy for their children to do, it's up to them to deal with it. Of course make a few arrangements for things you can all do together.

Damnautocorrect Mon 01-Jul-13 12:32:25

Yabu, if she doesn't want to leave them, she doesn't want to leave them.

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 12:32:43

I suppose that all that matters really is whether FIL would rather have them there or not, even if it means altering their holiday behaviour slightly.

I would bet anything that SIL has discussed this with MIL and been told that FIL would love them to be there.

Just make it clear that you were looking forward to an adult holiday and won't be doing any babysitting this year (although they are a year older now & SIL might be happier about leaving them in the room occasionally).

Well don't babysit them this time then. If sil won't leave them on their own it's her problem isn't it? If she asks I'd be politely saying this is the only time you get without your child so you won't be looking after anyone elses.

I see why you're irritated. But there is nothing you can do about it. Just don't let it spoil your time out there and be clear to sil that she is not to spoil your surprise by telling fil you are coming too.

MaxPepsi Mon 01-Jul-13 12:33:39

oh sorry, x post. They are really strict.

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:34:14

yes, this is about the FIL and his birthday. What will mean the most to him is having everyone there. Nothing like AIBU to give you a bit of perspective!

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 12:36:48

Wow I've heard of AIBUs where the OP admits that she's BU, but don't think I've ever actually seen one.

I think you'll have a fab time OP - as others have said, just make sure they know that if any babysitting is required, they will be doing it themselves!

HeffalumpTheFlump Mon 01-Jul-13 12:38:25

Yanbu, if it was anywhere else I would probably feel differently, but as you were planning on enjoying the casinos and bars, it may be a bit restrictive. As you made it clear to sil it was supposed to be an adult holiday I think she is being a pain.

With regards to the surprise element, unfortunately flights etc may have meant they didn't have the option to go on the same day as you? I think unless you are willing to ask them to delay meeting up with fil until you get there, there isn't much you can do about that.

I feel yanbu though.

Pigsmummy Mon 01-Jul-13 12:38:29

Just do what you were going to do anyway, have a fantasic time with your DH and in laws. Your SIL will soon realise that Vegas for under 21yo is dull, just let her get on with. She won't leave them at home now they know that they are going so just plaster a smile n your face and say "I told you so" a few times in your head (not out loud).

You will be able to have a few nice family meals (if you want to) with the teens but they won't be allowed anywhere gambling.

Cravey Mon 01-Jul-13 12:39:46

But it shouldn't matter to you. They are not your children so you can still do what you want. Yabu I'm afraid. Let her take her kids and leave them to it.

GiveMumABreak Mon 01-Jul-13 12:41:12

I would not have a problem leaving a 15 & 17 year old at home for 5 days.

But I would not leave an 11month old for 5 days either.

Everybody has different feelings and we all parent in different ways, we should all respect and not judge each other.

What I am saying is she is entitled to her style of parenting without judgement from you just as you are to yours without judgement from her.

Katnisscupcake Mon 01-Jul-13 12:48:18

rubbyducky24, I think you are just going to have to suck it up, but absolutely don't do any baby-sitting. Be there for your FIL, have a great (child-free - for you anyway wink) holiday and don't worry about them.

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:50:52

just to address the flights question - they can get the same flights, they just don't want to go for 5 days as they (understandably) want to make the most of flying all that way. The cost is pretty much the same for 5 or 7 days. I think what upset me in relation to that is that it was my idea and they will be flying out before us so it kind of takes the shine off us going a little bit. FIL will still be surprised and touched when we turn up though so I just have to man up and accept it! We will have a great time anyway. I wouldn't ask them to delay their meeting up with the PILs as my SIL is very close to her parents and would want to be able to spend the full 7 days with them.

Bearbehind Mon 01-Jul-13 14:20:54

Why can't you go for 7 days? I did be pissed off at the surprise being ruined by SIL if they arrived before you but not too concerned about her children going- they are her problem.

Hullygully Mon 01-Jul-13 14:25:27

SIL is mental

ENormaSnob Mon 01-Jul-13 14:32:21

Yanbu at all.

2 teenagers will totally alter the dynamic of the holiday.

I would be very very pissed off.

And theres not a prayer id be 17yearoldsitting.

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 14:32:45

hully grin

bearbehind we could have gone for 7 days but we booked 5 back in April and now my DH and mum don't have enough holiday left for us to book an additional 2 days away. Also this will be the first time I have left DS so 5 days was a compromise between me and DH as I don't want to leave him for too long.

everlong Mon 01-Jul-13 14:42:39

No no yanbu. Don't listen to those saying you are.

Your SIL is pathetic.

Jesus you wouldn't have to ask me twice. Kids would be off to granny's!

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 14:50:54

I think I'm sympathetic to your SIL because I have three DC of a similar age. They're great company and I'd definitely prefer them to join us on holiday than stay at home - we have plenty of child free holidays looming in a couple of years when they head off to university. We have weekends away without them, but Vegas is a different matter. In your SIL's position I wouldn't really care whether you wanted them there or not, I would only be interested in whether my parents were happy for them to be there.

BegoniaBampot Mon 01-Jul-13 14:53:37

YABU and a bit controlling. Thought your FIl was the important one here - not you.

Hullygully Mon 01-Jul-13 15:03:57

I don't know why you care what your sil does tho

let her babysit her giant babies and you hang out in the bars.

ajandjjmum Mon 01-Jul-13 15:14:17

My DC are 20 and 21, and we've deliberately held off going to Vegas until they are both 21, and we can enjoy it together as adults (unless they get a better offer at the time!!) I agree that a 15 and 17 year old will change the dynamic of the holiday, and that's a real shame.

I would be disappointed/upset too, but I don't see that you can do much about it without making yourself look really mean.

Incidentally OP, we left our DC whilst we had some super holidays when they were very young, and it would have been unsuitable for them. It did them no harm, although now they're older and we enjoy similar things, we always want them to come with us - as do they!

melika Mon 01-Jul-13 15:22:49

We took our DSs when they were 15 and 11. There are lots of things you can do with them in tow, but go anywhere near a bar or a slot machine and you are moved on. Luckily the family we went with had a 3 yr old so it wasn't annoying for anyone, we were all in the same boat.

I would leave SIL and BIL to deal with it, cling on to you FIL and MIL, its's not your concern. It's still a fabulous holiday with or without kids.

Ashoething Mon 01-Jul-13 15:26:11

YABU-we cant even afford a holiday this year never mind 2 grand for 5 days in vegasshock Your sil is not spoiling anything-you are just being silly.

LIZS Mon 01-Jul-13 15:28:00

Can they not stay 7 days starting on same day as your 5 ? That way he gets a big surprise and you both get to stay as long as you wish. Whether they take dc along is up to them surely - who's paying ?

I think YABU my children are similar ages to your SIl if I could afford to take them I would, they would be gutted if I left them at home, as they have never been to America, it wont change the holiday they are old enough to stay up or hang out in the room for adult nights. As to the surprise she doesn't have to say you are coming you just turn up tow days later so two surprises.

why would a 15 and 17 year old need babysitting..?

diddl Mon 01-Jul-13 15:44:52

Will it have such an effect?

You can't all be in the casino/drinking together.

But, that's SILs/BILs lookout-doesn't affect your time with FIL-which is the whole point of it.

Innacorner Mon 01-Jul-13 15:57:05

Yabu (for all the reasons already given), and it sounds as if your FIL will be happy to have them there.

ajandjjmum Mon 01-Jul-13 16:16:40

The 15 and 17 year old have already been to Vegas - they were there last year (according to OP) and didn't love it.
They need babysitting because their DP won't leave them along in the hotel room.

GoEasyPudding Mon 01-Jul-13 16:19:21

I think you will just have to roll with it. Play the hands that dealt you and all that...(sorry).

I think this would annoy me too just a little as under 21's will effect how the days pan out if you tend to do things in the family group together.

I'm thinking a bit of forward planning will avoid you doing any actual babysitting.
Don't offer, and if it's hinted at, whip out your notebook and say, we only have the 5 days and all our time is allocated to the fun plans you have made to do x,y and z. Sorry about that, would have been happy to help if we just had had a little longer, and we have so been looking forward to doing x,y and z.

Don't allow them to tag onto anything if you really don't want them to.
Be prepared to state clearly you will meet up with SIL and teens at family friendly restaurant at lunch time.
I wonder if it's worth you looking into stuff for the teens to do so you are ready to throw suggestions at them if they seem clueless and tag on and float about with no plans other than to cramp your Vegas style.

Trip Advisor Vegas forum can be quite helpful although the folks on there will tell you it's not the place for kids/teens.
Have fun though, don't let this bad hand ruin your game and keep a poker face when asked about babysitting!

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 16:37:03

thanks for the wide range of responses. To clarify a few points...

DN's don't want to come. They have been before and didn't enjoy it. They both look older than they are and the 17 year old especially wants to go to the bars/casinos. They are both lovely girls and a lot of fun and don't need babysitting (for want of a better word) but SIL doesn't want to leave them in a hotel room alone as can't guarantee DN won't chance her arm at trying to sneak into a few casinos (highly unlikely this will work as I know first hand how strict they are on ID). The 'babysitting' involved will be going to the free family attractions such as the volcano, treasure island and circus circus. The rest of the party will be in the casino as all are poker players.

My BIL and SIL are both lovely people and we were looking forward to going out for a few drinks and a gamble all together, but as SIL won't leave DN's unaccompanied it means someone will have to keep them company. As previously mentioned both DN's are great girls and this is not a chore, it just makes it a bit more difficult when 99% of the places the whole group will want to go are age restricted.

My SIL could have flown home 2 days after us but she didn't want to be there for 2 days after we had all gone. So she has decided to go out 2 days before.

I think my main issue is I was looking forward to spending some time with SIL and BIL without any kids, mine included, as we have never done this before. Yes, it is not up to me to dictate how people parent and if SIL can't bear to be parted from her girls then that's fine but it is nice to spend some time away from the kids every now and then.

ZillionChocolate Mon 01-Jul-13 16:44:05

See if you can persuade sil to do a big reveal on the day you arrive and stay hidden for the first two days. Will give her a chance to get over jet lag.

AaDB Mon 01-Jul-13 18:24:44

Your sil is bVERYu. I amconfused that she would take them away to Vegas. They have been before and didn't like it. Hardly a holiday of a lifetime, although it might be in 10 years.

You can make Vegas child friendly if you have to. To make the most of it you should be over 21. If sil wants her dds to be accompanied, she should do it. As you are only going for 5 days I would say it's perfectly acceptable to enjoy days together and make the nights out your own.

She had stolen your thunder a bit with regard to the surprise. I don't understand why you can't get the same flights over. Why don't you go for dinner just before the holiday and tell your fil that you are joining him? He can look forward to your arrival. Your sil could book an overnight trip to the Grand Canyon, Palm Springs, etc. the day you arrive? Her girls may enjoy something a bit different?

Ashoething Mon 01-Jul-13 19:46:51

You may feel its nice to have time away from your kids but myself personally I would not leave an 11 month old for 5 days to go on a boozy,gambling holiday. Different strokes and all that..

TempusFuckit Tue 02-Jul-13 08:05:15

If it was anywhere else in the world, YWBU.

Vegas - YANBU. Fuck all to do except drink and gamble once you've walked the strip a couple of times.

TarkaTheOtter Tue 02-Jul-13 08:12:39

Regarding the surprise, tell them not to reveal you are coming too. Your FIL will think they are the surprise but that you couldn't make it due to baby - then will be even more surprised when you show up two days later.

BellaVita Tue 02-Jul-13 08:19:46

I agree with Hully and Norma.

SIL is being bloody precious.

It will totally alter the holiday.

rubberducky24 Tue 02-Jul-13 08:41:07

thanks tempus. If it was anywhere else in the world then it would not be an issue, even anywhere else in the US. We would take all the kids and I would never dream of suggesting otherwise.

Nanny0gg Tue 02-Jul-13 08:50:41

Does SiL realise she is spoiling things? (YANBU btw).

rubberducky24 Tue 02-Jul-13 08:59:16

she knows that a lot of the things we had planned will now be out of the question but I haven't told her she is spoiling things as it's done now so I just have to make the best of it. To be fair we will have a good time, we always do, it just would have been nice to have some time with SIL and BIL doing things we have never done before.

BegoniaBampot Tue 02-Jul-13 09:00:07

Will your pils enjoy having their grandchildren there or will they be disappointed?

CSIJanner Tue 02-Jul-13 09:05:08

What do the neices want to do? Has anybody actually asked them? They're old enough to make their own minds up, especially are going last year, surely?

CSIJanner Tue 02-Jul-13 09:05:21

especially after

schoolgovernor Tue 02-Jul-13 09:09:22

It's up to her. Just ask them to make sure they don't tell your FIL that you are coming and spoil that surprise. BUT - as some have said above - don't get hung up in any arrangements to stay looking after their children, and if you want to do something that they don't, just split off and do it. I'm sure FIL and MIL will join you at least some of the time.

NatashaBee Tue 02-Jul-13 09:13:42

Why on earth won't your sister let them stay in the hotel alone? I think they are going to end up being bored tbh. I can understand your annoyance, but you can't really say anything to your SIL. Just make sure you are prepared with plenty of suggestions of things for them to do so they can't complain that they're bored.

TalkativeJim Tue 02-Jul-13 09:15:05

What an arse (the whole thing, not just SIL).

Make it clear that during a five-day very expensive hol, you WON'T be doing any 'babysitting'. They'll have to be the ones staying behind - tell her nice and apologetically that part of the reason you went ahead and booked is that it was supposed to be an adults only holiday - not that you don't want to spend time with your lovely neices, but sitting in a hotel room while the rest of the gang spend time in the casinos is just no fun. As your neices can testify. So just so she's 100% clear before you go, it WON'T be organised the way it was last time.

Say it now and I wonder whether coupled with her daughters' complaints, she might rethink.

landofsoapandglory Tue 02-Jul-13 09:21:09

It's up to your SIL what she does. I have never left my two who are 16&18, not because I don't want to but because my parents especially, and PILs a little bit, favour their other GC and were always 'too busy' to look after ours when we asked. I wouldn't have left them at 11months, though.

Our kids are great company and we like spending time with them, so I can see where SIL is coming from.

rubberducky24 Tue 02-Jul-13 09:24:08

PILs will enjoy having them there, they are a very close family. PILs will want to go to the casinos, last year DNs were back in the hotel with SIL/BIL by 9pm. DN's have been asked and don't want to come. They are fine with everyone going without them as they know they will get loads of presents! It's just SIL who doesn't want to leave them as she doesn't feel ready. SIL has been asked not to let on we are going too.

BegoniaBampot Tue 02-Jul-13 10:07:15

Don't really understand the problem. It is your PILs (who you say will be happy about their GC being there) holiday which you are crashing without permission or thought to what they want. Your SIL is doing the same but it's just that she's not doing it the way you want her to. You seem to be thinking more about what you want than what the PIL's want. Fair enough to be a little disappointed but can't see that your SIL is doing anything wrong.

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