To go on strike(55 Posts)
This will be long and have some people frothing - apologies on both counts.
I work full time, usually 12 hour days (carer)
DP does not (is looking)
We have 3 DC - DS15, DSS8 and DSS5
All shopping, cooking, cleaning, admin, homework, ironing, loading dishwasher. I do mean ALL OF IT.
Dishwasher 2-3 times a week
Example, yesterday. I got up at 6am, work at 7am. Returned at 6.30pm. Kitchen a bomb site, no tidying done, kids uniform not ready, homework not done, kids tea not made. I put shopping away, make tea, do homework.
By 9pm kids asleep, make food for DS. Too tired to eat myself, DP asks what's for dinner. By now I have loaded dishwasher/unloaded twice. Made packed lunches, emptied bins, folded laundry. When I got in, DP was on lap top. At 9.30pm I walk the dog. I go to bed. Have been up all night with raging toothache.
Well I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!
I am going on strike, quite literally. Has anyone else done this? I am fucking knackered, pissed off and he is an arse.
AIBU? Will the children suffer?
We have huge family issues, both DSS being assessed for ASD and loads of other stuff. Money is as tight as it gets. My DS is a "school refuser". DS and DSS 8 both under CAMHS. It goes on...
Trying not to drip feed
Why are you even asking. Unless you want to end up in an early grave, things need to change and fast.
Asking if anyone else has done it and worried about children, foxy
the older kids are old enough to pitch in as well, you dont mention if they have chores go do
Could DP be depressed? Doesn't sound like normal behaviour. Has he always been like this?
You can try to strike but I think it will make you more miserable.
Posted too soon....
I think you should set up a list of chores for everyone.
Ds1can do dishwasher.
Ds2 can help dh with laundry.
Ds3 can set table for dinner.
Dh is not working so can do the rest of chores and get dinner started.
Tell them you need help. If they refuse......then strike!!
What does your P do while you are cooking/doing the dishwasher/laundry? Does he sit on his arse and watch?
I don't know how you haven't strangled him with a dirty school shirt by now, honestly.
The older children can definitely do more as well.
I feel exhausted just reading your post, you can't continue like this you will make yourself ill.
Yes he sits on his arse. He is on ADs and no has not always been like this. I have spoken to him many times we have both had a lot of stress. Am fed up of him watching me struggle.
He says I am nagging.
I think he has no concept of the juggling act I do with money , kids, chores etc. he has never HAD to do it. So I am thinking about making him by going in strike. Kids do some jobs, DS 15 does nothing - I've been working on that for 15 years
Totally go on strike! I would normally advise talking about it like adults, making up rotas, blah blah blah, but you've tried talking and you get called a nag?!
Look after yourself and let him sort the rest out. Lazy bastard.
Poor you! This must be the most clear-cut AIBU i have ever seen, you are definitely NOT BU! Go on strike, give an ultimatum, stop doing it all.
Euphemia I have to decide where to draw the line - how much squalor can I tolerate? Do I start with a clean house or just let things deteriorate? Do I even say anything?
Strike?! I would tell him to get out until he can call himself a proper father and partner rather than a millstone around your neck.
Yip - i felt like this. DH will do anything i ask but never sees what needs doing. So we had a discussion. Now i will happily do everyone's ironing BUT i 'bank' the hours and expect DH to look for and do chores worth roughly the same amount of time. Likewise he can iron / mow / Hoover and bank the time. We work roughly the same (long) hours in equally stressful jobs.
Tbh he'd not ever thought about how much time and effort running a house takes until i explained it in task lists and time.
For example we only have one loo...
I would definitely announce it but in a calm "this is how it is " way.
I'd also volunteer to show dc 's how to do what is needed, with them, so you and they, are clear what's expected.
I think you'll have to steel yourself against what it might look like for a while and be strong minded.
YANBU to go on strike.
You have had enough and the current situation isn't fair.
However, I have experience with ASDs, working full time and depression, so here's my tuppence.
In my family, rotas and job lists work and they are age appropriate to every member of the house.
Bribery, barter and trading work too as motivation for children. There is no reason why your older two couldn't be doing a significant portion. When I say bribes, I used access to technology, including the tv, interesting food and leisure time. I don't mean anything involving extra expense or effort on your part.
If there is a list, with times where appropriate, then once established they can become embedded in the routine, and no one has the excuse of 'I didn't know' It can be a pain to set up, but once done it can just keep running.
Depression can make people inert and unresponsive, a check list of stuff to do can help give the day some structure.
And no, if you do go on strike, the children will be inconvenienced, not suffer in any real sense. But usually your sense of guilt, however unjustified gets in the way.
Hmm, banking hours is interesting.
Tbh I think we have both just given up. Although I achieve more in an hour than he does in a day! Can't decide if I am angry, sad or both.
Maybe I will move into the shed
Luis I think you'll need to tolerate a fair amount of squalor to make your point. If he still doesn't see a problem, you're poles apart on cleanliness and tidiness and something will have to change.
Getting a cleaner, having a family conference to draw up a rota, LTB, whatever it is - something's got to give.
Eyes, I've had several attempts at that, but he won't support me. It's difficult because the younger two are his children, not mine. He is very inconsistent in his parenting.
Then a strike, with verbalising why to everyone else in the house is your best bet.
At 15, your son needs to be taking a lot more responsibility, and as he is ill, your OH will need more structure and organising than he would if he were not depressed. Which is why I suggested the rota.
But you can't keep going like this, if you crack too, what will happen to all the stuff you are carrying?
So prioritise what are the absolute essentials and what happens to the rest.
Keep explaining why, in short sentences, when they complain about the lack of clean dishes and clothing.
'All shopping, cooking, cleaning, admin, homework, ironing, loading dishwasher. I do mean ALL OF IT.'
'Example, yesterday. I got up at 6am, work at 7am. Returned at 6.30pm. Kitchen a bomb site, no tidying done, kids uniform not ready, homework not done, kids tea not made. I put shopping away, make tea, do homework.
By 9pm kids asleep, make food for DS. Too tired to eat myself, DP asks what's for dinner. By now I have loaded dishwasher/unloaded twice. Made packed lunches, emptied bins, folded laundry. When I got in, DP was on lap top. At 9.30pm I walk the dog. I go to bed.'
Online shopping for basics. Cooking, again scale it down and make it as easy as you can. I'd only be worried about feeding the younger ones, at 15 he can make basic meals for himself. Admin? homework is the child's responsibility, and your OH can hear his two read. Ironing, why? Only your work clothes.
You can live in a messy house.
Going on strike is hard, how likely is it to upset you more than them?
I think DP will take it as an attack and be childish. I agree I can't go on like this.
I mean why wait until I get in to feed the kids? It's too late on a school night. I get "oh I didn't know what you were planning".
Ffs, look in the bloody fridge
I had a menu, pinned on the noticeboard because Aspie DS liked to know what was coming every day.
Mon :Spaghetti bolognaise
Tue: Chicken and rice
Wed Pizza and salad
Been redundant over 5 years and I can still repeat it!
It is frustrating and you must feel like having a scream and a strop and throwing things. But this isn't about them, it's about you.
What needs to change for you to be happier, how can you effect that change? If your partner won't step up and uses sulking and whinging as a displacement for doing an equal share, what's the next step?
I really don't know eyes. So many issues, but the lack of support in the home is making me feel barely more than a servant. So I guess it's strike time.
Ok would a financial angle help?
Twice-Weekly cleaner and ironing to be sent out to cost x
Daily dog-walker to cost y
Extra cost of buying ready meals/prepacked sandwiches for school etc to cost z
Not saying you should buy in such services, necessarily, but if you attach a cost to them and therefore a value on your "service" , it might provide you with some ammunition
Good luck Luis, sometimes you do just have to draw a line and say 'No'
Been there, came out the other side.
Good idea salbertina thanks
Have you Eyes? What did you do?
I set the rules and the lists and was explicit about what I saw everyone's role as being, and listened to the negotiations about who did what.
I began with the mindset that it was unfair that all the extras should be one person's problem, it's a shared house. OH and I were used to houseshares before we got married, and he was a SAHP when the children were small.
But I started early on and I didn't get cross. Our family runs on logic, so I presented a logical argument to OH and the children accepted that they could tidy and pair socks and such from being small.
Now we have 4 adults in the house, and the work is still shared. DD is back from uni and so has taken on the bathroom cleaning, selected ironing and bits of the garden.
Because it is fair and reasonable for the workload to be shared.
Sounds controlling written down like that, but it worked and has done so for years.
Sounds very good to me. I wish I could get DP to listen, but every time I try I get told I am nagging. I think I am logical whereas he can see undercurrents or hidden meanings that just aren't there.
How does your DP respond if you calmly try to ask him to pull his weight and pitch in with the housework? It stands to reason that if he's home all day and all the children are at school, he could get plenty done. It's not the same as a SAHM with a young baby, for example.
You say he's on ADs so I presume he suffers with depression. That can be pretty debilitating in itself. At my worst with it, I could not get off the sofa for 2 months (aside from loo visits and bathing)! I would see housework building up around me but I could not get up and deal with it no matter how much I wanted to. It's difficult to explain really. Anyway, I couldn't have coped with then-boyfriend coming home from work and being any level of snippy with me about how much I hadn't done, even though he would have been totally justified.
Perhaps I'm being too generous here and your DP is just a lazy arsehole, but on the off-chance that he really wishes he could do more and just can't because of the depression, try to approach it gently. I like the rota idea that someone suggested earlier. Break down all the tasks into manageable chunks and assign some to your DP, some to the kids and a small amount to you. Planning meals and pinning the menu to the fridge will make life easier for the boys with suspected ASD plus your partner then knows what to chuck in the oven when as opposed to waiting for you.
If after all that you're STILL running yourself ragged after everyone, you WNBU to LTB.
It sounds like your DP is taking advantage of you TBH. You work, do pretty much all of the household chores and have one DC, almost grown up. He does very little, has two younger children but you're their main provider and carer, and offer some sense of normality/consistency it seems.
What do you get out of your relationship?
Just to add, if he is very depressed then as PPs have said, he obviously isn't being lazy. But only you can gauge that and how this effects you/the knock on effects.
That's why a written rota works, no nagging and a constant reminder or place where you can check what needs to be done. Short and simple, no more than three things a day on it.
Are you able to take some time off maybe? Visit a friend for a week? Say you're going to a friends and when you're back chores will be split. They have a week to cope alone so u don't have to.
I haven't time to finish but might be a way to start ?
I really think you do need to make a drastic change. Wishing u well x
No, don't go on strike. You need to talk to them first.
I've just been in bathroom strike and it didn't work. Six weeks of no cleaning and it just turned to crap. Fluff everywhere, weird stains, mess, smell, the lot Nobody touched it. I ended up by having to do it anyway because we were having visitors
Sit them down and explain that things have to change. Being on antidepressants does not stop you from cleaning up either, that's just a cop out.
sit everyone down for a 'family conference' tell them how you are feeling, do not listen to any arguments or ifs and buts, say you have something to discuss and that you will speak first with no interuption. when you have finished (keep it concise, to the point) ask what solutions they can offer. listen to suggestions and draw up a plan, for us it was specific tasks for everyone to share the workload. I still do more than the others but the difference is I don't feel like the skivvy anymore, they do pull their weight a lot more than they used to. i do need to remind folk occaisionally but generally the list is up and they get on with it in their own time. however taking the depression into account have a word with DP about why he feels you are nagging and establish if its because he can't motivate to help or is just too lazy / expecting you to do it all, once established try to support him in getting on with stuff and accept that it may be in his timescale ie: when he is having a good day, rather than in yours. good luck. I feel much more valued since we had this out and the family realised that they did take for granted that I would do everything.
Thanks for all the suggestions. Fwiw I am also on ADs as it has all taken its toll on me, together with under active thyroid. Maybe I have more/different motivation?
I think I have to react calmly, whether its by talking or striking.
I wish I could get away but have no holiday to take.
Is DH getting help for his depression? To get through depression you need the three T's - tablets, talking and time. If you only employ one you will not get through it (I talk from experience here). I have had many years of therapy and practice but in a depressive episode I can now function by employing certain rules for my life: the TV goes off at 9am and does not go back on before 5. I have to be washed and dressed before 9. Chores are done first - everything has a place and everything in its place so getting things back is quick and easy. Chores are timetabled -i.e on X day, Y gets done etc. I keep lists and knock things off my list. I get out and do some physical exercise every day - usually running around after DD or gardening (ridiculous jungle out there so lots of heavy lifting to do). I am not allowed to sit in my evening spot on the sofa during the day. I get out of the house every day. It sounds like he is where I was at the beginning and is rudderless in this mire of depression - of course he could just be a lazy shite but the two things look very similar from the outside. Only you can determine which he is. The answer will depend on how much he is doing to 'heal' himself.
It is hideously hard for you. Supporting someone with depression is a hideous and thankless task for a lot of the time. You are totally justified in feeling unsupported and frustrated - oh and knackered!
That's a punishing schedule no wonder you're done in
How comes it all became your responsibility,how come he does minimum
Yes something needs to change in your over accommodating
I don't really know how it happened tbh. Life has been so full of other shite I suppose it has crept up on me. It's difficult to know on the depression side. He has a referral for looking into Aspergers and certainly exhibits many traits, plus the boys are possibly on the autistic spectrum. I think there is a lack of empathy but also laziness and complacency.
Yes,of course things are incremental and it creeps up and becomes habit
Much as you look after them,you too need some TLC,Would a cards on table discussion help?
I don't think token big gestures like strike are answer,a straight talk is,good luck
You are likely right SM 😄
Definitely go on strike. Though keep up with the admin so bills get paid and do an online shop but make sure there's things for easy meals eg pasta mince pizza hot dogs vegetables fruit salad and so on. Make the younger two lunch.
TBH I do everything you do but I don't work and DH does. I can't believe he sits there while you do everything. It would be different if you both worked, then it should be split according to who's home at what time. Given you're the only one working you should be doing less than what your DP currently does.
Try making up a list of what needs doing, one for every day and divide up jobs between DP and DSs. Your oldest should be capable of getting homework done, clean & tidy his room, walk the dogs and make packed lunches.
Even the youngest can tidy his room by himself. Having a set list of what needs doing by DP including what to cook DSs for dinner stops the " I didn't know what you were doing " excuse.
Ideally you should be doing admin (if DP is hopeless as is my DH), cleaning the bath after you use it, load dishwasher few times a week and listening to younger boys read when you're not working.
Maybe try the jobs list idea and tell them if they don't stick to it you'll go on strike then do it.
I know having a list helps me as sometimes I don't feel like doing it as I hate housework. It gives a sense of accomplishment being able to tick off jobs.
Sounds sensible Crazykat. I'm all at sea now in terms of what to do.
Even though I am living it, I find it hard to believe reading through this thread! I think because I feel unwell I am unwilling to create conflict. I went to an emergency call last night, got back about 10pm and still wasn't offered so much as a coffee.
Not sleeping at all well either
I think you are all right about making a list - although that is annoying in itself because its another job to do (though a trivial point).
Perhaps going on strike will help ease your DP's depression - if it forces him to get off his arse and get busy, and realise that his contribution (or lack thereof) to running the household actually matters .
It's my day off today and I have to take DP to a course and wait for him (I know, I know) it's a back to work thing. I am going to use the 2 hour wait to write a plan, so if anyone has ideas for a rota or schedule please post and thanks to those that have already.
I guess I'm now thinking part strike, part chore list. Am also negotiating with DS school re part time home ed, so he will need a timetable as well.
To completely fill my day off I have a visit from the OWO this afternoon. Positive, but could just do with a rest!
[crinkle] it gets me nowhere
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