To want to reestablish this friendship sorry this is long

(88 Posts)
vacantStation Sun 30-Jun-13 19:50:54

DH had a horrible surgical procedure earlier this year. We didn't want to tell anyone about it as 'twas intimate surgery. We did tell a couple, close friends of ours who were quite supportive.

Above friends were having a party for birthday. (Meal and drinks/dancing) which we planned to possibly shuffle along to for a few hours. This was about 4 days after DH was discharged from 3rd hospital admission.

Due to this surgery we basically went into hiding for what ended up being a couple of months! To avoid questions.

Friends knew that this was really private and we were avoiding people.

There was only one mutual set of friends going but above friends were short of numbers so invited a couple, friends of OURS that they have only met socially a handful of times... with us.

I was absolutely furious as we had not seen these friends for ages and were kind of avoiding seeing them until DH had recovered and above friends had not had the sensitivity to think about this,. To add to this

above friend had told them he was 10 years younger than he actually is. When we became aware of this, it was really a bit embarrassing. We told them that he had been dating a 16 year old girl (quite a few years before) and that he had lied about his age for about 3 years while this was going on. We didn't know he had actually decided to contiue this!

The disturbing thing was he has also continued this lie into his marriage with his lovely wife who became a great friend.
He told lovely wife that he wanted to be 27 as he had 'lost years' of his life to being depressed. She accepted this though all her family now believe him to be 27.

DH and i used to worry about him visiting this 16 yo girl who lived with this huge (and somewhat hard) family in rural wales. i.e if they ever found out he would get a pasting at best, at worst chucked in a hole never to be seen again.

The most uncomfortable think about this scenario is that at their wedding, the father of the 16 year old girl he was dating (he remained in contact with the family for years) got up and gave a speech about what a lovely 'young' man he was. (Friend and the 16 year old (now 21) are no longer in contact. 16 year old didn't want anything more to do with him. This was before the expensive wedding.

So anyway, i absolutely lost my rag with this bloke .. so did dh and said that we were really pissed off that he had put us in an awkward situation with our friends following dh surgery, Then this whole barrage of 'what the fuck do you think your playing at' re the age thing and lying and stuff came out....(which I know was a bit nasty and perhaps none of my business) I just feel that we were being brought into this rabbit hole of lies..(there were quite a few more too)

I am really glad to be away from it all. The guy was really controlling and hard work at times. Would walk around our houe like he owned the place and would be really aggrieved when we socialised with other people. He also turned up when we were on a date and would expect to be invited to family occasions.

It's our own bloody fault really . I think over years that the friendship needed to change as our lives were changing.

Me and DH both feel alot happier without the pressure and lies of this friendship but i really really miss this guys wife and feel years of friendship with both of them have been chucked away.

For all his flaws. (were all flawed right?) They were still people we cared about.

I regret not setting boundaries better and losing my temper. WIBU ? Shall i try and patch it up?

I have been in contact via text with wife and saw her briefly, it was lovely to see her and we rammed alot of talking into about 5 minutes but her H isn't comfortable for us to see each other or get a coffee or whatever. ~She says she needs to respect his feelings. She looked upset. I fee really sad. I don't want to harrass them but at the same time years of friendship are hard to erase. What would you do?

aldiwhore Sun 30-Jun-13 20:08:30

I struggled to follow that sorry.

Firstly, if you go to a party, you're not "In Hiding" and you cannot expect other people to think that much about things. Also, if your other friends have met this friend socially a few times, then why shouldn't your friend invite them?

After that it all got a bit mushy and you write in a way that your friend sounds like a creep so why bother with him if you disapprove so strongly?

Lying about your age, sad but no great crime unless you're committing a great crime.

I suppose it depends greatly on what came out in the wash when you shouted at him?

Your whole post sounds really odd sorry.

Our friends would probably either know about sensitive procedures or we'd be so hidden we'd bump into none of them at parties.


I also found that quite confusing :S not really sure what the party had to do with it if you were not attending.

Also not sure how old this guy was when he was dating a 16 yr old and lying about his age, but it all sounds a bit weird and he sounds like a strange guy.

I wouldn't pursue a friendship with someone that expected me to lie about their age to people, just seems childish and pointless.

Onesleeptillwembley Sun 30-Jun-13 20:23:45

Tell it yo Jeremy Kyle. It may make sense.

OwlinaTree Sun 30-Jun-13 20:25:05

Did your friend who was having the party invite another friend who is dating a 16 year old? Is he married to the 16 year old?

What does this have to do with the operation?

I'm confused!!

Pinkflipflop Sun 30-Jun-13 20:28:01

It's their party, they can invite who they want!

MollyBerry Sun 30-Jun-13 20:28:26

Can you write a summary as I can't really understand it :S

Pinkflipflop Sun 30-Jun-13 20:29:15

And if you are in 'hiding' then you shouldn't be going to a party!

Actually it all sounds v bizarre!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 30-Jun-13 20:30:26

Sorry, I don't understand.

RiotsNotDiets Sun 30-Jun-13 20:31:33


MrsPatrickDempsey Sun 30-Jun-13 20:31:59

Confused. Sorry.

Branleuse Sun 30-Jun-13 20:34:09


what was the surgery ?

OwlinaTree Sun 30-Jun-13 20:34:40

Who is it you want to re-establish the friendship with? Are you being a bit hypocritical if you are lying about why you are not on the scene and then getting mad at him lying about his age?

thecatfromjapan Sun 30-Jun-13 20:37:32

He sounds quite odd (to put it mildly).

I've come to a realisation recently that the fewer controlling men you have in your life, the better things are.

That said, I think getting cross about who is invited to other people;s dinner parties is Not On.

antimatter Sun 30-Jun-13 20:37:35

>> her H isn't comfortable for us to see each other or get a coffee or whatever.<<

do you think he may be worried you are going to tell his wife that he is 10 years older than he presents himself?

However I don't understand this:

>>we were really pissed off that he had put us in an awkward situation with our friends following dh surgery<<

WandaDoff Sun 30-Jun-13 20:41:13

Nope. Don't understand it. Sorry.

OwlinaTree Sun 30-Jun-13 20:41:22

How has this lady never found out that her husband is 10 years older than he says? Has he never let it slip ie talking about music from his youth, filling in a form etc? It's on a driving license and passport although he may not have either of these.


Euphemia Sun 30-Jun-13 20:46:45

I lost the plot in paragraph two. confused

Celador Sun 30-Jun-13 20:50:00

Ok, so the friend that was invited to the party (which you were annoyed about), has lied about his age, had a relationship with a 16 year old, then married someone else who you want to stay friends with? Is that it?

Llareggub Sun 30-Jun-13 20:51:07

How can the wife not know his real age? It's on the marriage certificate.

DoctorAnge Sun 30-Jun-13 20:52:12

grin what the......?

Sorry. but I'm struggling to work out who you want to reestablish a friendship with, the party-givers or the liar.

QOD Sun 30-Jun-13 20:58:59

I just wanna know what surgery!

weirdthing Sun 30-Jun-13 21:01:02


GiveMumABreak Sun 30-Jun-13 21:05:57


Tbh you sound like the controlling one dictating who can and cannot socialise with each other while you hide for months but still go to parties

PolkaDottery Sun 30-Jun-13 21:09:02

Okay so have I got this right?

You are good friends with Mrs A. She is married to Mr A who you are less keen on and feel uncomfortable around as he lies about his age.

Mr and Mrs A invite you to a party. You are trying to avoid people you know due to DH's surgery but agree to go for a bit as none of your normal friends are going. You then find out that Mr and Mrs A have invited several of your other friends who they don't know that well.

This causes an argument, where the age thing is raised, this causes bad feeling for everyone.

You bump into Mrs A sometime later and want to resume friendship but she says Mr A won't want this.

It all sounds a but odd. Can't you just see Mrs A as you were good friends but not do couple things anymore?

fuckwittery Sun 30-Jun-13 21:13:27

I can't get past the
you're going to a party
but you don't want the party host friends to invite mutual friends.

So, your DH is well enough to shuffle along to a party, but you don't want the mutual friends to know about the surgery and this is something to be furious about? This is fucking fruit loop, let alone the rest of it
You are hiding for a couple of months, but can go to a party? Come off it.

DoJo Sun 30-Jun-13 21:18:47

I'm not sure how the relationship with this couple is related to the whole operation and party situation and even less sure about why you were furious that friends that you had introduced had struck up a friendship independently of you.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you can be friends with the wife without being involved with the husband, and as long as he influences her and doesn't want her to be friends with you there's not much you can do about it except let her know that you still consider her a friend and let her do with that what she will.

sweetsoulsister Sun 30-Jun-13 21:23:02

I was worried I had had too much to drink!
Off for another glass of wine!

Thank you polka dottery for the summation!

Yeah, just be friends with the wife, if pos.

Husband sounds like a twat.

You and your DH sound like you have an odd approach to surgery etc but hey.

TheYoniWayIsUp Sun 30-Jun-13 21:25:08

What was the surgery?

Xiaoxiong Sun 30-Jun-13 21:25:49

You lost me at

"I was absolutely furious as we had not seen these friends for ages and were kind of avoiding seeing them until DH had recovered and above friends had not had the sensitivity to think about this"

They're not mind readers. How were they supposed to know you were avoiding seeing the other friends? And yet you went to a party? Did you not think that maybe there would be other guests at the party besides the hosts?

MalcolmTuckersMum Sun 30-Jun-13 21:26:28

Wow. Ummmmm - summary anyone? Please?

MalcolmTuckersMum Sun 30-Jun-13 21:28:36

Ok - I read your summary Polka and a sterling effort it was too but I'm still kind of lost. grin - where does the 16 year old girl fit in?

DoctorAnge Sun 30-Jun-13 21:31:09

Wonder what the blazes the surgery was grin

She was the husbands ex. He lied to date her - but the carried on lying to nice wife.

I used to love comprehension at school - this brings it back.

I can't answer the surgery question I'm afraid.

Viviennemary Sun 30-Jun-13 21:38:44

I found this really hard to follow. I don't think you had the right to be annoyed at someone inviting people they had met through you to their party. It sounds way too complicated. I think I'd just find some new friends who are more straightforward and don't lie about their age. It would be easier for everyone.

BerylStreep Sun 30-Jun-13 21:40:24

Long and confusing. I really don't know why you want to be friends with them at all.

As an aside, my Granny knocked 10 years off her age when she met my Grandpa, and she managed to keep up the lie for the rest of her life - no-one had a clue. I think she was actually 33 when she got married, but said she was 23. It only came to light because they weren't able to marry up the death certificate to her birth certificate.

We're all quite fresh faced as a family, so I think it's down to good genes grin.

Going into hiding for two months to avoid answering questions is very strange though. Not on a par with knocking ten years off your age, but maybe like three or four?..

Willy rot repair?
Penis extension?

hmm Three ops you say...

I've got it!

Twenty stone testicles.

Xiaoxiong Mon 01-Jul-13 10:00:07

Beryl my grandfather knocked 20(!!!) years off his age when he married again at the age of 75. He managed to get a real passport from another country with the fake birth date. My cousin managed to catch a glimpse of this passport once and apparently according to that birth date he is a year younger than my mother, his eldest daughter confused

When his 3rd wife found out she divorced him. Needless to say he was cut off from the rest of the family at the time - I don't think he even mentioned his kids (let alone grandchildren and great-grandchildren...) How she could ever have believed it though...I don't think "fresh faced" could stretch to cover a 20 year age difference!

What?? So you are annoyed your friends invited another couple of their own party??

How old are you?? 15?

You and DH ABU and ridiculous.

TalkativeJim Mon 01-Jul-13 10:09:40

I've thought really hard about it all and no, it makes no sense.

However I am impressed by the guy (whichever one he was) who simply decided to be 27 again... and lo, it was so grin

And I've never heard of 'the rabbit hole of lies' but again, sounds impressive.

Good luck with sorting it out. I think you're right. Make up. Life's too short. You had a long friendship, you want it back. Nothing to lose. She's sad too (disclaimer: not sure who she is in the story) - so go for it.

Branleuse Mon 01-Jul-13 10:46:26

gerbil removal surgery?

EarlyInTheMorning Mon 01-Jul-13 10:50:48

No idea what you're saying but what was your DH's surgery?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 01-Jul-13 10:52:08

OP I'd like you to come back and explain. Plus, what surgery was it that meant you had to hide away for months?

EarlyInTheMorning Mon 01-Jul-13 10:53:03

Castration. It's castration isn't it? You DH is now your DW. No shame in that.

raisah Mon 01-Jul-13 11:33:46

I think you've all scared off! She probably realised that her post sounded childish and is lying low.

Could her dh have had a pile operation? Cant remember what the procedure is called. They didnt need to lie low, you just dont tell people that you had an op unless he had obvious evidence of an op like bandages etc. I had an op that I didnt tell anyone about so I dont need to answer any qs. End of dilemma.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 01-Jul-13 11:36:42

EarlyInTheMorning Mon 01-Jul-13 10:53:03
Castration. It's castration isn't it? You DH is now your DW. No shame in that

Pah hahahaha!

I think you've got it!

Is your friend Sharon? And was there red wine at the party? Did someone spill it? grin

LookMaw Mon 01-Jul-13 11:58:51

I could not follow what you were on about in regards to the whole age thing.

However YABVVU in regards to thinking you can dictate who someone invites to their own party just because your DH had an operation. The world doesn't revolve around your husbands crotch, and if you really didn't wanna be seen then you should have stayed at home.

PopiusTartius Mon 01-Jul-13 12:33:14

Oh thank goodness no-one else understood it, I thought I was drinking in the daytime without realising again grin

Pigsmummy Mon 01-Jul-13 12:51:24

YABU or maybe YABNU? Who can tell?

MollyBerry Mon 01-Jul-13 15:06:26

Ok, now I'm more awake this morning I've read it again and I think I've got it.

-Husband had mystery embarrassing procedure so they went into hiding they only told a few close friends (lets call them Mr and Mrs A)

-Mr and Mrs A were having a party and as they were close friends they decided to show their faces for a little bit, OP thought it would be a small birthday gathering BUT oh no, that wasn't to be! Mr and Mrs A had also invited Mr and Mrs B (OP thought this was most inconsiderate and Mr and Mrs B shouldn't have been invited as she thought it was only a small gathering and 1. Mr and Mrs A don't really know Mr and Mrs B and 2. Mr and Mrs A knew that OP and her DH wanted to be in hiding)

Background info on Mr A (his flaws):
-Before he was married to Mrs A he went out with a 16 year old girl and lied about his age so it didn't seem so weird. OP and DH were worried about this as she had a rough family who might hurt him if they'd found out about this lie.
-Relationship with 16yo ended but he continued this age lie into his marriage with Mrs A, claiming he was 27 when he was in fact 37.
(- Extra fact: Father of 16 year old came to Mr and Mrs A's wedding and gave a speech saying how nice he is. Kind of irrelevant to the story...)

SO, at the party OP had a bust up with Mr A because
1. OP was cross about the fact couple A hadn't respected their wishes not to see anyone they hadn't told
2. OP didn't think he should be lying about his age (and it does mention other lies but i'm not sure what). OP didn't want to be drawn into the lies ie helping make others think he was 10 years less than he is.
3. OP also states that he is controlling and hard work

Result of bust-up: "Me and DH both feel alot happier without the pressure and lies of this friendship but i really really miss this guys wife and feel years of friendship with both of them have been chucked away"

So the Q is, is OP BU to want to be friends with only Mrs A?

That post was just as long as the OP and probably not any clearer...

MollyBerry Mon 01-Jul-13 15:07:47

and I'm clearly not awake as Polka has done a much better more succinct summary further up the page!

Hullygully Mon 01-Jul-13 15:10:19

I thought it was Mr B who had knocked years off his age?

DarkWinter Mon 01-Jul-13 15:12:43

My brain is itchy.

MollyBerry Mon 01-Jul-13 15:17:02

Well she keeps referring to above couple and I assumed it was always talking about couple A, that couple B were only referred to to explain couple A's inconsiderate behaviour in inviting them

AngryGnome Mon 01-Jul-13 15:26:58

I though mr B was the aging masquerader? And op is angry because mr and mrs a did not know his real age, op felt awkward that mr b was lying to mr and mrs A, and so had a barney with mr B.


Hullygully Mon 01-Jul-13 15:27:36

that's what I thought gnome

unobtanium Mon 01-Jul-13 15:27:44

Extremely confusing story, though I have really enjoyed the helpful summaries/clarifications from Molly and Polka.

I can understand not wanting to talk about the mystery op, but why not just do what everyone does in those circs if actually questioned... say nothing/change subject/make up a more palatable ailment (eg groin strain, if you're still walking funny)

(Quite possibly nobody would ask anyway)

I agree that YABU

unobtanium Mon 01-Jul-13 15:34:51

Yes sorry, missing the point of the qn which is can OP continue friendship with one half of a couple only. Of course that would not BU (if you can find a way...)

What is BU is all this going underground for months after operation when in fact DH seemed well enough to be "shuffling" off to parties just 4 days after leaving hospital... all in order to avoid qns, and expecting people to manage their party lists so as to avoid any potentially embarrassing encounters.

CalamityKate Mon 01-Jul-13 15:36:39


CalamityKate Mon 01-Jul-13 15:36:52


CalamityKate Mon 01-Jul-13 15:37:13


CalamityKate Mon 01-Jul-13 15:37:31


MonParapluie Mon 01-Jul-13 15:40:18

Maybe you could have forgiven him if it wasn't for the t-rexing

Has your dh had a penis enlargement, hence the secrecy? hmm

MollyBerry Mon 01-Jul-13 15:48:41

Oh Gnome, you might be right, but then why would she not want to be friends with Mr A anymor eand only Mrs A

JellyBelly10 Mon 01-Jul-13 15:59:02

This sounds like the plot of an episode of Fawlty Towers but with none of the laughs! Couple go into hiding because of husband's embarrassing 'nether regions' surgery. They decide to break the boredom of this recuperative isolation by attending a small, intimate soiree with friends only to discover that some other friends (who know nothing about 'operation pecker') are there too. Some scoundrel who once pretended to be younger than he actually was in order to win the heart of a school-girl kept up the pretense for so long that he had to pretend to the woman who later became his wife that he was 27. So some people in the room know about the operation and some don't, and some people in the room know that the man is actually 92 and not 27. Meanwhile they all make polite conversation, sip chardonnay and nibble on Twiglets. And then someone's trousers fell down and a maid saw someone's bottom. Probably.

AngryGnome Mon 01-Jul-13 15:59:13

Good point Molly berry! Hmm <dons poirot spectacles> maybe mr a was unimpressed with the barney and with the party turning into a big shouty night and so now does not want to speak to op. mrs A feels that me A is overreacting and so wants to carry on being friends with op, even though mr a feels his nose has been put out of joint????

AngryGnome Mon 01-Jul-13 16:00:21

Actually, I think jellybean has it spot on!

Thanks jellybelly, I'm taking notes. It's a brilliant satire on modern life, it's a comedy of errors without the errors, it's a bedroom farce without the bedroom etc, etc.

I agree with calamitykate.

vacantStation Tue 02-Jul-13 18:35:36

Hello smile

I missed a crucial bit of info that would explain some of the apparent weirdness of this situation and make it all a bit clearer. But never mind.

Thanks for all the replies though.

It is indulging my narcissistic tendencies hugely that so many people have an interest in making comments on this way long after I have lost interest in it myself.

I realise i don't actually give a toss anymore.

I love mumsnet. [smile}

BridgetBidet Tue 02-Jul-13 19:04:53

I don't think anybody else gave a toss either love.

BridgetBidet Tue 02-Jul-13 19:05:22

Glad to hear you've sobered up though.

TalkativeJim Tue 02-Jul-13 19:13:36

Sorry, but I doubt that EVEN MORE information would have helped here grin

EarlyInTheMorning Tue 02-Jul-13 20:09:53

Attention seeker much?

Celador Tue 02-Jul-13 20:24:26

I guess there's no chance of finding out what the mysterious procedure was then <wipes eyes miserably>.

LookMaw Tue 02-Jul-13 20:38:55

Are you the pot growing neighbour?

TalkativeJim Tue 02-Jul-13 20:46:00

Celador-alas no, suffice to say it was HORRIBLE, INVASIVE and DEEPLY PRIVATE.

I say probed by aliens.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 02-Jul-13 20:49:38

OP are you the sort of person that puts cryptic attention seeking posts on fb that you never reply to?

MollyBerry Tue 02-Jul-13 20:49:39

Soooo what's this extra info... details on the op?

FeegleFion Tue 02-Jul-13 22:12:54

Och OP! I was interested hmm

Anyway, due to this very thread, I've decided to knock 5 years off my age. I think 10 years would get me heckles wherever I wander so from this day forth, I shall be 28! grin

Peachypossum Tue 02-Jul-13 22:24:03

That's 5 minutes I'm never getting back.

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