About popper-inners at my house?

(149 Posts)
MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 17:31:37

Unannounced guests. Drop-ins. Surprise visitors.

I just don't like it, never have, never will. My mum knows this. I don't make exceptions for close friends or family. I appreciate a phonecall to let me know of a planned visit, even if it's an hour before. As long as I know you're coming, that's fine.

So my mother drops in unannounced today. I heard the door knocking but was hanging my wet washing out. I decided to ignore as I was still in PJs and wasn't expecting anyone. Instead of leaving, she hammered on the door, then went down the passage at the side of my house and called over my garden wall. She could see me hanging washing out so I had to go and answer. I went to the front door to let her in and she could tell I was pissed off. She said "Sorry about dropping in unannounced, I know you haite it." I said "I do, but it doesn't seem to bother you!" Then she looked really hurt and said "Oh I'll go then" I'm hardly going to let her go after a 30 minute drive over...

I will accept that I have got PMT so am probably a bit grouchy. AIBU though, to not like unannounced visitors? It seems to be a habit on my mum's side of the fam that just "popping in" without warning is fair game and if it is not appreciated, it is the problem of the visitee. hmm

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 17:32:10


I appear to have turned into a 15 year old gangsta.

I am with you but you will be flamed I tell ya!

BackforGood Sun 30-Jun-13 17:34:57

MN is pretty split on this one - me, I like 'pop in visitors', but this gets asked on a regular basis and there is about a 50:50 split.

I can't imagine any reason to not let your Mum in though (presuming all other things are equal and you have a normal, loving relationship with her). That said, I can't imagine doing 1/2 hour's journey to someone's house without checking first. That's not a 'pop in' in my mind. To 'pop in' it has to be a "I was passing" or "I was in the neighbourhood" thing.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 17:35:10

Ach, I don't care!

<bends over>

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 17:36:28

I do have a normal relationship with my mum. We are really close, actually.

I just have a "thing" about people dropping in. I can't bear it!

MichelleRouxJnr Sun 30-Jun-13 17:36:31

Hate it and think it is a rude thing to do.
I never answer the door unless I know who is knocking and why, so if you want to come over, arrange in advance or prepare to be ignored.

schooldidi Sun 30-Jun-13 17:37:21

I agree. I hate people just popping in, I need at least 20 mins to hide all the washing that needs putting away, dishes that need doing, etc.

That's why I moved an hour away from my parents grin. If they are going to drive for an hour they ring first just to make sure we're going to be in. I don't know well anybody close enough to just pop in.

livinginwonderland Sun 30-Jun-13 17:38:01

I hate it too and I find it really rude! It's like knocking on someone's door and being like "SPEAK TO ME NOW!" until they answer!

Mintyy Sun 30-Jun-13 17:39:04


The neighbours are most welcome but anyone else can phone ahead.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 30-Jun-13 17:39:43

I dislike it intensely but will make an exception if I gave birth to you.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 30-Jun-13 17:39:48

It really doesn't matter how many people like it. You don't and you are entitled to feel that way.

I love popper inners - on my terms blush

I have no problem at all ignoring the door if I don't want to answer it. (ultimate MN sin wink ) So pop by if you like, I'll be in the back room and may or may not answer the door. If I open it, it's cos I am happy to deal with whoever is at the door. If not, then it's cos I'm busy or not in the mood.

You are in no way unreasonable for feeling like you prefer visits pre arranged. It isn't anyone else's place to tell you you're wrong just because it's not a way of doing things that appeals to them.

JammyDodger1 Sun 30-Jun-13 17:40:33

No no flaming here!
I hate it, on a sunday we have dinner as a family every week, it's the only day we can guarantee we all together and we always have it at 3pm so why do people who know this call at 2.30 angry and then I have to either offer to feed them or be rude or kill the veg into a smudge!
I'm going to start locking the door!

LineRunner Sun 30-Jun-13 17:41:08

I do have a couple of 'pop in' type friends but I just say at the door, 'Hi, I can't ask you in because I'm in the middle of cooking / covering the house in toxic flea spray / crying, so give me a ring later, ok?'

thegreylady Sun 30-Jun-13 17:41:53

I love it but it rarely happens.If you don't like it fair enough but, you know, I'd give the world to have my mum alive to 'pop in'.

LineRunner Sun 30-Jun-13 17:42:03

jammy you have to learn the words, 'I can't ask you in....'

Practice saying it out loud.

I have permission to just stroll in through the back door at one house. grin One of DS's mates is allowed to do that here. He rings the bell and comes in. grin

DragonMamma Sun 30-Jun-13 17:43:31

Oh god, I love seeing my mum and we only live a mile apart so I regularly look up to see her at the window and it doesn't bother me at all.

I don't see the problem with family, myself. Pj's or not, if they call in unannounced they take me as they find me.

Tweasels Sun 30-Jun-13 17:44:14

I don't like any visitors, but the poppy in unannounced sort are the absolute worst.

How am I supposed the maintain the illusion that my house is permanently clean if they don't give me the requisite 4 hours notice so I can clean it.

luxemburgerli Sun 30-Jun-13 17:45:20

YANBU, I think this is perceived as a lot ruder in these days of text messaging/mobiles. So there's no excuse not to give someone 30 mins notice really.

But if your DM is a bit older she's probably more used to a time when dropping in was the norm. And maybe in those days people dind't mind so much because (a) it was excusable with lack of phones etc, and (b) everyone's standards were a bit lower. Because you often didn't get notice, so people were more often caught in the middle of cooking a messy tea, in PJs, etc?

Might be a load of rubbish though grin

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 17:45:38

I think it just smacks of "whatever you're doing, stop it, because I am more important."

I just wouldn't have the brass neck, personally, to assume that I was more important than someone else's plans. So maybe it's my issue...

JammyDodger1 Sun 30-Jun-13 17:45:47

aw Line they just walk in though!

You don't like it. She knows that. She has no right to look hurt when you agree with her that you don't like it!

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 30-Jun-13 17:46:53

Hate it too! Think everyone knows now had to get dh to make sure his family knew to call after they dropped in one Sunday lunchtime- neither if us dressed, house complete tip, we'd been on a night out I still had make up on from previous night- I didn't want to let them in but they could hear DH phone ringtone as they were calling sad

cardibach Sun 30-Jun-13 17:48:04

I love it! I doesn't happen much and I wonder whether it is because of the bizarre (to me) attitude of those who think it is rude (rude? WTF? How is it rude to show you like someone and enjoy their company?). I really, really, don't understand why people have an issue with family and friends that they like calling in. It can make a boring day interesting and with luck they will interrupt you and stop you doing some horrible job! (Usual exceptions for those with mental health issues).

zoraqueenofzeep Sun 30-Jun-13 17:49:54

I hate it, it's so rude to presume that someone will have nothing better to do than entertain you and so irritating when you're in the middle of something.

Twitchycurtains Sun 30-Jun-13 17:50:06

My family live too far away to just pop in and I certainly wouldn't mind if they did, as they are a take you as they find you sort and my mum will normally get stuck in and help out with the kids etc, they also wouldn't expect me to run around after them if they popped in unannounced.

Otoh, hate, hate my in laws 'popping' in, they expect my house to he spotless and if it isn't they will just go home and bitch about it to H at some point, they are also big on the whole 'proper afternoon tea' thing, china cups, side plates, little sandwiches etc etc.

Purple2012 Sun 30-Jun-13 17:51:50

I hate it too. It panics me if it's a family member. I have generalised anxiety disorder. If my mum and dad/brother turned up unplanned I would panic and think something had happened. Even knowing it was ok wouldn't help as I have a problem worrying about 'what ifs' so it would still cause me problems.

I'm not a fan of it either. What if I'm in the middle of a nice long bath and just not feeling sociable? Or just had a tiff with DH? Or even if you had plans to go out or fit in some food shopping as its the only hour you have spare all weekend to do it? These drop-inners are never the type to take the hint that they really can't stay long as you have plans and so you end up feeling resentful towards them being there which is awful!

It's not something I would do in case it was causing the person I was visting an inconvenience.

LineRunner Sun 30-Jun-13 17:52:50

It's the expectation thing, I guess - about having to cater and make polite conversation, when in the midst of necessary drudgery.

If it's a mate or a fab relative who will just muck in and make you laugh, that's different.

DeathByTray Sun 30-Jun-13 17:53:51

I hate popper-inners.

I'm not even that keen on the people that live here grin

I vant to be alone.

That's how I feel Curly. Plus some people are hard work and I have to have notice that I will be seeing them to mentally prepare. grin

Cardibach - most people's days are not boring and filled with big gaps of time where they are sat twiddling their thumbs. A lot of families are extremely busy during the week so their weekend time is precious and carefully planned.

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 30-Jun-13 17:56:51

I hate any kind of visitor. Many because my house is such a shithole.

"I hate it, it's so rude to presume that someone will have nothing better to do than entertain you and so irritating when you're in the middle of something."
Well put. Nobody would dream of 'just popping in' to your workplace and comandeering your time. yes you can rearrange your time at home (when you're busy cleaning/cooking/laundering/decorating/gardening etc) but a little notice makes a big difference. Not all of us have so much free time to play with as our (retired) mothers seem to have.

Morien Sun 30-Jun-13 17:57:29

I hate it too - YADNBU. I don't mind people popping round to drop something off, for example, but when the point of the call is purely social, I think it's rude not to call beforehand. I agree, it smacks of 'drop what you're doing now because I'm more important'. We had huge problems with my FIL over this when we moved into our new house last year, quite near his (and he doesn't even knock, just walks in). DP explained and explained that whilst he was always welcome, he had to phone ahead, but FIL just carried on - until the day I burst into tears and told him I needed some privacy in my own home, at which he stormed out and didn't speak to me for 6 months. (I wouldn't normally react like that but I'd just had a MC - which is another problem with popping in: you never know what you're stepping into; you just expect people to be delighted to see you). Anyway, we're on speaking terms again, and he no longer pops round unannounced.

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 17:59:27

The point is here, is that she is your mum. And does know better by now of your wishes.
tbh, I also have a close relationship with my mum. And I think, just, that I would let her learn the lesson on one occasion.
Else she is never going to change, is she?

But, I dont think you are going to do that, so you will have to put up with it for ever more.

How long or how much effort is it to make one phone call.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sun 30-Jun-13 18:00:22

For me, it depends entirely WHO is doing the popping grin

I tend to plan my day, so I'm not generally just hanging around bored or whatever, so 'poppers in' do tend to derail things a bit, but if I like you that's mostly OK, if I don't you are a bloody pain in the arse grin Generally I'd say you'd be able to tell which!!

These threads always really annoy me though. It is a difference of opinion, it doesn't make 'poppers in' rude, nor does it make people who don't like 'poppers in' rude to say so.

Dackyduddles Sun 30-Jun-13 18:01:06

Yabu spectacularly so and frankly coming over as a sour old grump. With that attitude u really could end up very alone just when you really need people.

TeaOneSugar Sun 30-Jun-13 18:01:35

I can't bear it when MIL pops over, 5 mins after I've got in from work/school run.

There may be breakfast dishes still lurking in the sink, the dog is over excited and wanting some attention and I want 5 mins sit down before I start with dinner, dog walking, taking DD to activities etc.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sun 30-Jun-13 18:02:54

I agree with yams about your Mum though, just let her 'learn the lesson once' today would have been idea as it was 'already an issue', you should have just let her go home... harsh but probably would have stopped her doing it.

usualsuspect Sun 30-Jun-13 18:04:34

I'm quite happy for anyone to just pop in, especially family.

But if you don't like it fair enough.

KingRollo Sun 30-Jun-13 18:04:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strip off. Leave giant vibrator on coffee table. Smile languidly.

It will never happen again grin

My dimwit MIL (who I love dearly) called round on a kid free Sunday morning to see if dh was going to church.

Our only kid free morning in 6 months.

She laughed when I leaned out the top floor window and said 'bugger off, we're busy"

SamuelWestsMistress Sun 30-Jun-13 18:10:19

Oh I bloody hate it. No one ever chances it with me, they know I'd strop.

cantspel Sun 30-Jun-13 18:15:25

Wow i didn't know so many people felt so strongly about this. In my family all are welcome anytime. I dont see family coming over as a need to entertain them. If i am busy then they are more than capable of putting the kettle on themselves and even make me one at the same time.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 18:17:42

"I'm not a fan of it either. What if I'm in the middle of a nice long bath and just not feeling sociable? Or just had a tiff with DH"

That is why.

Me and DH had just had a massive barney. Awkward...

Twitchycurtains Sun 30-Jun-13 18:21:35

Can I also add, often at the weekend I can be found slobbing about in my comfiest rattiest clothes, no bra, bosoms a swinging, no slap and nothing worse than someone popping in and seeing me in that state.

Ginderella Sun 30-Jun-13 18:24:37

I hate it. Not for me. Unless you have made an appointment to see me, I will set the dogs on you.

fuckwittery Sun 30-Jun-13 18:26:26

I hate it too! Even if you need to pop something in, you are planning to go over, so when you make the decision, call the person and let them know! I'd never pop in without a 30 minute phone call to let the person get dressed, hide the worst of the mess etc. and obviously let me know if it wasn't convenient at all.

needaholidaynow Sun 30-Jun-13 18:26:36

I hate it! It always tends to be when my house is a mess or indeed when I am a mess!! Scruffs, no bra on, greasy hair... I panic with a capital P!!

needaholidaynow Sun 30-Jun-13 18:27:45

Panic with a capital P blush

BarbarianMum Sun 30-Jun-13 18:29:48

This isn't about popping in though, is it. It's about getting your mum to take you seriously.

<I may be projecting massively here>

FWIW my mum has great difficulties understanding my boundaries apply to her 'because you're my daughter.'

If anyone has any answers.

BarbarianMum Sun 30-Jun-13 18:30:15


.... then I'd love to hear them!

I live right in the middle of a very sociable village so there are popper-inners quite often, and I am often a popper-inner too. Just the way we are here although people do give each other space too.

Anyone 'just popping in' from elsewhere would have to make a fairly significant trek, so I would find it odd, but wouldn't mind. Unless it was the PILs for which I'd have to deep clean the house and take deep breaths for a week beforehand.

AaDB Sun 30-Jun-13 18:30:52

I hate popper inners. Hate angry .

If your mum knows you hate it, why did she do itconfused. Knocking the door off it's hinges and coming around to the back garden to find you isshock . Given get insistence, I don't understand her tears.

Yanbu. My mum moans to people that she feels like she has to book an appointment to come to my house.

I wish it were so, she constantly arrives without warning, SOMETIMES WITH RANDOM FRIENDS OF HERS, and it gives me rage. Please, book the appointments you love to moan about! angry

cardibach Sun 30-Jun-13 17:48:04
I love it! I doesn't happen much and I wonder whether it is because of the bizarre (to me) attitude of those who think it is rude (rude? WTF? How is it rude to show you like someone and enjoy their company?). I really, really, don't understand why people have an issue with family and friends that they like calling in. It can make a boring day interesting and with luck they will interrupt you and stop you doing some horrible job! (Usual exceptions for those with mental health issues).

It is rude because by you turning up at my house without having let me know, you are implying you are more important than anything I need to get done. And what if I'm just about to go out for any reason?

I don't like popper inners at all. But then, the popper inners I know are those people who breezily turn up and expect you to drop whatever you are doing and get on with entertaining them.

One popper inner once called me an ignorant bitch because I was trying to complete an online job application before the deadline and asked them to get themselves a drink instead of waiting for me to finish. I was upset by this and still feel I hadn't given the application my full attention. (Didn't get an interview for that one.)

If these popper inners I know had been the type to just muck in, get themselves a drink and allow me to do much-needed tasks around them, then perhaps I'd be more willing to accommodate them.

Whether you like or hate popper inners will depend on a) your upbringing (and whether it was something your family did) and b) your experiences of those who are popper inners.

GameSetAndMatch Sun 30-Jun-13 19:09:20

I hate it too, OP. and everyone I know knows it, so I wont feel guilty if they turn up and I dont answer the door.

Unless it was an emergency.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 30-Jun-13 19:40:58

Poppers-by are bad enough if all they do is knock on the door (though peerers through letter-boxes deserve a poke in the eye!).

Walkers-in are worse. DH built a fence and a gate to stop his parents walking round to the back door to let themselves in.

aldiwhore Sun 30-Jun-13 19:46:38

Where I live now I HATE IT... I live in the countryside, to visit, people have to actively plan, we're not on the to or back from anywhere. I am irrationally adamant that if you have time to PLAN to pop in, then you have time to phone before you do. I'm 15 minutes from my nearest friend and I LOVE her visits, so long as I know about them and have time to check the floor for crumbs/knickers.

When I lived on the main drag into town I LOVED popper inners. It was expected. I could understand the impulse pop. I almost miss those days.

I think it very much depends on where you live, but for me in comes down to the whole process. I certainly wouldn't ever have expected friends to ring ahead when they were 'just passing and stopped to say hello', yet I want an actual drawbridge in this house, one that's up unless you ring ahead and is full of hungry crocs (not the shoe kind).

aldiwhore Sun 30-Jun-13 19:49:40

I'm sorry I have to add, I don't think it's so much the ACT after all, but the demonstration that you don't really give a toss how others feel and are too lazy to find out and respect their quirks.

I am a walker inner for only one friend, she insists on it, I wouldn't dream of doing it with anyone else (unless they insisted on it).

All these bloody 'shares' on FB that say A mate, knocks, a true friend walks right in, they make my blood boil. A true friend takes time to get to know your quirks, respects them, abides by them (to a point) and still loves you.

AaDB Sun 30-Jun-13 19:52:19

Popper inners that bring randoms are the worst.

I work from home. I live my SF very much but I don't want to see her on spec. I really don't want her to bring her mum AND her dsis's DC. Theangry .

Rude rude rude

IfIonlyhadsomesleep Sun 30-Jun-13 19:52:39

Yanbu. When most people have mobile phones there is no need for an unannounced visit. I even text my neighbour if I'm thinking of popping round.

Sunnysummer Sun 30-Jun-13 19:57:11

YANBU. I love it when a friend calls and says they're in the area/ at a loose end/ needing a cup of tea and can they pop in... But I do need the notice (even 10 minutes) and the opportunity to say no.

Like others said, it does otherwise smack of thinking that their arrival trumps absolutely anything else that might be going on. And being so close that you can happily have a messy house / a meal / be in PJs in front of them is not an excuse - I am happy to do all of this in front of my mother, but instead she has some kind of naturally awful timing that means she always turns up when we are mid-fight, mid-dtd, or on the loo. Notice is important!

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Jun-13 19:58:42

I hate it too! Especially with your mum putting pressure on you to let her in because it's a 30 minute drive (what would she have done if you were out? turned round and driven home after wasting an hour of her time?).

But this is probably why she doesn't call first, because if she calls first, she's giving you the opportunity to say "actually mum, it's not a good time, I've got to do X/I'm about to pop out myself/I've got Y coming over." She's only not calling first, knowing you hate her popping in, knowing it's a long drive so you'll feel pressured to let her in to stop you having the chance to say "no". So next time, when you get to the door, say "Well this is why I tell you to call first, you can't come in, it's a bad time, I'm about to go out." (Of course this means you have to go out, you could be braver and just say "it's a bad time"). It is rude in her case, because she knows you'll feel the pressure to let her in, so she's decided that seeing her is more important than anything else you could be possibly doing on that day.

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Jun-13 20:01:06

BTW - wasn't there a MNer on one of these 'we hate poppers in' threads who said she had an aunt who always answered the door wearing her coat, if it was someone she wanted to see she said "oh, I've just come in myself, come in." if it was someone she didn't want to see she said "oh, sorry, I haven't got time not, I'm just going out." Seemed a very good plan.

DontmindifIdo I invented reasons to be going out when I was getting the rude popper inners I mentioned. They eventually got the hint and now ask if it's okay to come round.

What makes it worse is when people like my MIL turn up unexpectedly on a Saturday morning and the house hasn't been tidied/cleaned yet and it causes me embarrassment - I tell her this and she says "oh I don't mind a bit of mess!" And I think "But I do, when visitors are in my house!" People should be given enough notice to run round doing a quick tidy/ shoving the pile of dirty dishes in the sink.

Even if you might welcome pop-inners then there will come a time when you will be just on your way out and then you have the difficult decision to carry on with your plans and risk them taking offence at that, or asking them to come in and then you may not end up having time to go out after they've left. It's happened to me - we've just been leaving to take the kids to the park and then someone arrives so you end up staying in the house with the kids running wild and with no time to take them after the visitors have gone. Usually it's not the sort of visitors you can invite to come with you - elderly grandparents or they just aren't dressed for the park (say ithe weather is looking iffy and they haven't brought coats).

I dunno..... I just think there's no need in this day and age with mobiles etc, as someone up thread said. Mind you, even years ago, people used to send messages to their friends making appointments for visits a few days later - popping on just wasn't done. (Might have watched too many period dramas though ha ha!)

quoteunquote Sun 30-Jun-13 20:12:58

People just pop in here, it the normal thing to do, you would be consider very odd if you objected.

but we don't do any standing on ceremony stuff, so people don't expect it., far more relaxing.

Nancyclancy Sun 30-Jun-13 20:15:38

Yanbu. Our house has a wrap around garden and some people come round the back of our house and peer through the windows. Before even knocking!
We've put up a fence because of it and I'm going to put up some net style curtains!

My mil always turns up around tea time and will sit and watch us eat. If I'd known she was coming i could have cooked for her! I hate it!

ZiaMaria Sun 30-Jun-13 20:16:32

I don't mind it, on the understanding that if I am not in the mood for a visit, I will just tell them I am busy (or not answer the door). If people turn up unannounced they should (1) leave if the door is not answered and (2) if the door is answered, not take offence at being told now is not a good time.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 30-Jun-13 20:20:09

Dont forget CurlyhairedAssassin, in the olden days you would have been able to write to your prospective host asking if they were 'at home', got a reply, written back to confirm the time all in the time it takes to put your coat on.

All was better in the olden days, I know this because I have seen it in Miss Marple.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 20:21:54

I yearn for the olden days... <adjusts bonnet>

LineRunner Sun 30-Jun-13 20:22:20

They had calling cards in Upstairs, Downstairs. I like the sound of them. And snubbing.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 30-Jun-13 20:27:13

Yes, I like the idea of visitors having to present their card so that I can receive it on a silver salver and decide whether I am 'at home' to them on or not. All I need now is a silver salver and a maid!

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Jun-13 20:27:36

CurlyhairedAssassin - firstly, don't worry about offending people who've decided to pop in - you carry on with your plans, say "oh sorry, we're about to go out/come in but we've only got 10 minutes before we are leaving. It's a pity you didn't tell me you were coming over, I'd have rearranged my plans " - after a few times of this, they learn. (MIL learned, she attempted to pop in 5 times on the row when I was first on mat leave with DC1, each time I was out, I kept repeating "oh, I hate staying in alone, I'm normally out if i'm not expecting someone, call me first and i'll make sure I'm in." or "oh, I was only 15 minutes away at the shops, if you'd called me, I'd have been home by the time you arrived." - she then started calling as she hated that she could never get hold of me.)

Also, in 'olden times' a lot of people had at least one staff member, they would meet people at the door and find out who they were and what they wanted, then give the house owner the information and they got to decide if they would make themselves available to the 'popper in'. So nice to have someone to filter for you.

Gemd81 Sun 30-Jun-13 20:32:05

I agree I hate people turning up out f the blue I find it intrusive and interfering! confused

LineRunner Sun 30-Jun-13 20:32:54

My understanding of calling cards - and I admit I may be fantasising here - is that you dropped your own calling card off to a lady and that gave her permission to call on you between set hours (determined by convention) at a future time when you would be 'at home' to callers during the day.

mamachelle Sun 30-Jun-13 20:33:03

i hate people dropping in! i always ignore the front door if im not expecting anyone, not as easy as it sounds if the 4yr old is in though.
The doorbell says -
'hello, is anybody home?'
to which she replies-
'yes, we are home! . . . MUMMY! someones at the door!'
no dd3, were not in! ugh, such a fail! must get around to disconnecting that bell!

tallulah Sun 30-Jun-13 20:33:12

My mum popped in a few weeks ago on a Saturday morning and was very surprised to find I was out. She rang me to find out where I was - just pulled off the M4 what do you want? She'd driven for 30 minutes, and arrived early so she'd catch me hmm. DH hadn't locked the door and was asleep on the settee and very surprised to see her there. (Teach him to lock the door).

So this week she appears in my garden as I'm hanging out the washing. It was only later I noticed a new message on the ansaphone at 8.26 am to say she was coming over. We were asleep.

learnasyougo Sun 30-Jun-13 20:34:03

I'm with you on this. I used to have a (foreign) boyfriend who'd do this and my mum would make sarky comments about whether this was normal in his culture etc etc. except these days it's my mum who does this to me now!

I'd have a weird. Tell her again how much you hate out and you won't answer the door unless you've been given x amount of notice.

passive aggressive options are to not make her a cuppa, or always be on your way out when she shows up. Better to talk about it, though and fine to some sort of agreement together.

poppydoppy Sun 30-Jun-13 20:35:02

Aww shes your Mum, she should be welcomed anytime day or night.

hardbeingme Sun 30-Jun-13 20:35:05

no poppers in here either, the mess, me and dcs still in pjs till lunchtime - no one except the postman needs to know this - and hes only allowed cos he stays on the doorstep bearing parcelly gifts.

the only grey area is my mum, her mon-fri visits are usually half expected (not really a popperin i suppose) so shes ok but sat-sun she would ring.

this comes from her helping so much when the twins were tiny and i was on zombie mode prior to that there would be a phone call.

we get loads of cold callers so if someone knocked unexpectedly i would probably ignore it anyway

youarewinning Sun 30-Jun-13 20:36:07

Does anyone else notice the pooper inners hate being popped into? grin

YANBU - I also dislike it on a general basis. But friend who have legitemately visited town and pop in on the off chance we are in at 2/3 pm ish for an hour or 2 don't bother me much. It's the ones who turn up earlier than 9am or just before a mealtime having not eaten. hmm

Viviennemary Sun 30-Jun-13 20:36:59

I sympathise. People can at least tell you they are coming if they know you like to be warned in advance.

It would be really rather useful to see a map of MNers cross referenced to the love/hatred of popper-inners. I expect there are distinct location based preferences...

When I lived in a particularly snooty part of Surrey for example, popping in was 'not the done thing', whereas on our unassuming street in south London it was considered quite normal.

Now we've moved again, into a small village in Cornwall, there's loads of random poppers in and popping in. It's just normal, lovely and friendly.

DeathByTray Sun 30-Jun-13 20:42:55

Linerunner I would love to reintroduce the calling card.

I would sit in the parlour and accept visitors at a pre-determined time - and they would have to bring cake or wine (that would be typed on the back of the card).

I would then have a lie down because entertaining is so exhausting.

I'm not over fond of popper-inners, I like to slob around some days in my pjs and hate being made to feel like a slattern for relaxing in my own home. That is partly why I moved two hours away from my own mother, she is the judgiest of them all. smile

But that is by the by, Marmalade has your cuzzee had her baybee yet? Did I miss the big announcement?

MrsOakenshield Sun 30-Jun-13 20:49:06

I'd love it cos it would mean that I actually lived close enough to anyone who would be likely to pop in, like my mum or sister or best friend. As it is, I never have unannounced guests. Don't even have announced guests that much . . .

LineRunner Sun 30-Jun-13 20:50:43

DeathByTray, I would shove sherry down my gob.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 20:52:25

No, cuzzii still preggola. She is 5 weeks away and she has been inciting the baby to get out of her early because she getting too fat. hmm

Still, she gonna b a gr8 mummah lol.

DeathByTray Sun 30-Jun-13 20:53:39

Oh yes, sherry is very civilised.

We'll also need a little bell to ring when the guest becomes tiresome - so somebody will come and remove them.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 20:55:43

I am loving the idea of reintroduction of ye olden dayes visiting etiquettes. grin

ChewingOnLifesGristle Sun 30-Jun-13 20:57:59

I too detest popper-inners. Mil is a serial popper-inner. It drives me insane. She swoops in again and again totally regardless of what we might be doing, then mentally ticks me off her 'person I visit when I haven't much to do and I don't give a toss that she has' list..She leads a busy life too, but the where and when of seeing us seems to be at her say so.

The thing is, we're a large family and weekends esp are often execises in running from one thing to another regarding dc's activities (timing being crucial) parties, chores we've tried to shoehorn into a precious couple of hours, so I don't like it all going to rats on someone else's whim. I think she knows how I feel but keeps doing it anyway which annoys me even more.

I always say this though on these threads: Popper-inners and those who detest it will never in a million years understand each other's pov. You either are one or you're not.

DeathByTray Sun 30-Jun-13 21:03:56

If you like popper-inners then you will also be a popper-outer.

Blardy hell, it's been the longest pregnancy evah! Hope she's been smoking, everyone knows it gives you smaller baybees and easier labour.

I expect and look forward to a big thread announcing the birth (fuck the royal baby, this is the one I'm interested in).
Cannot wait to hear the final name decision. Hope you've bought bubz a baby Dior dodi and matching bockle. Only the best for the ickle princess.

Poor bab.

ChewingOnLifesGristle Sun 30-Jun-13 21:08:18

I'm considering becoming a 'hide behind the curtain and pretend we're out-er'

"We'll also need a little bell to ring when the guest becomes tiresome - so somebody will come and remove them."
grin Arf!

Lavenderloves Sun 30-Jun-13 21:16:03

Not a fan.
Dh family are poppers, took a while to stop them popping in.

They couldn't quite grasp that i didn't want them turning up unannounced. Obviously you can't say i can't be arsed dealing with you/ waiting on you / i don't want your company / i want to be alone / don't look through the windows/ don't let youself in.

We had tears and temper tantrums that i wouldn't allow them to pop in whenever THEY wanted. They couldn't quite get it, " well tell us if it's not convenient"
I even did the answering the door in my coat saying i was going out. They announced they were arriving and walked past me into my own home!!!

Fucking rude. They don't pop me now. they hate me, but i'm happy

ExcuseTypos Sun 30-Jun-13 21:17:16

"Does anyone else notice the pooper inners hate being popped into?"


My MIL 'pops over'. (She has to drive for 45 minutes, so why the heck she can't phone just before she leaves, is beyond me.) She then moans massively about her Sister, who 'drops in' on her unannounced and tells me how inconvenient it is as she was just in the middle of something.

I have to bite my tongue till it bleeds!

NotAQueef Sun 30-Jun-13 21:18:33

Totally with you on this one.
Dp's family often do this, and after years of being independent from family in London, living close to his is a big change.

The most shock example was last year, me and dp and ds were taking an afternoon nap on a sunday (rock and roll) and i woke up to knocking at the door. I ignored it, it went in for ages, but I assumed they would go away.

I then heard the side door to garage being opened and someone trying to get in the house via back door - luckily it was locked. I fell back to sleep and woke up 30 mins later and could hear noise in the garden.

Looked sneakily out of the window and saw dp's dgm planting some flowers in our garden!! Wtf?

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 21:20:34

Queef?! WTAF?! shock

I would have rang the non-emergency police and said "I think someone is trying to break into my house" grin

AlexReid, the name has been decided on. Have I told you?

Horsemad Sun 30-Jun-13 21:20:39

Pop in visitors? No! no! no!

melika Sun 30-Jun-13 21:22:21

Hate it too.YANBU.

ExcuseTypos Sun 30-Jun-13 21:27:26

That sounds awful Not and it reminds me of the first time MIL 'popped in' just as I was dying my hair. (id only been married about 6 months) I was so annoyed and flummoxed that I forgot how long I'd had the stuff on my head for.
I just had to guess and when I washed it off it was ORANGE as I hadn't left in on long enough.angry

youarewinning Sun 30-Jun-13 20:36:07
Does anyone else notice the pooper inners hate being popped into?


Noooooooo I missed it, please tell. Bet it's gawjuzz! grin

NotAQueef Sun 30-Jun-13 21:37:40

I make sure that the side entrance is locked at all times now. I also live with the curtains closed so i can hide in the front room.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 30-Jun-13 21:41:38

DPiL are inveterate poppers-in - we live further away now so dont fall victim to this. However they love this for themselves as well. This means that they are impossible to pin down. Arrange to call in then get there and find them out or find some other popper-in is being treated to tea and biscuits which means there isnt room for us and all the best biscuits are gone.

MarmaladeTwatkins Sun 30-Jun-13 21:45:00

Latoyah Montella Jordaine Rose.

I like how they slip a Victorian lady's name on at the end grin

I read that as 'investigative' poppers-in Worry. My MIL was definitely of the investigative sort when we lived just around the corner from her. Was tres annoying. She had a knack of always catching me when I was desperate to catch up on some paperwork, or still in tracksuit bottoms after a run, or hoovering up rice krispies from the carpet with greasy hair...

Actually I may have been lurking around for that thread, unless there are two Latoyah Montella Jordaine Rose babies in existence?!

It is a smashing name, very unique, rolls easily off the tongue. Latoyah is severely underused IMO.
I take it cuz prefers old Montell to Jezza? And Jordaine, it's like Jardin or Jordan, but with that Je ne sais quois that the likes of Katie Price lacks.

Rose is lovely, I can say that honestly.

How on earth are you going to keep a straight face?

<sorry for hi jacking, well not really, cuz bubz threadz are my fave>.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 30-Jun-13 22:00:52

StarfishEnterprise - I did once catch DMiL bent double peering in through the letterbox because I hadnt answered the door quickly enough. She was treated to hearing me saying 'F-OFF' possibly quite loudly!

The reason given for not having phoned first was that they didnt want to disturb me(?). Apparently answering the front door and entertaining them with tea & coffee was less disturbing than phoning first and being put off for an hour while DGC slept (I was on ML).

Good god!

I stopped offering tea to MIL when she kept popping in. Certainly shortened the visits...

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Sun 30-Jun-13 22:49:08


candyandyoga Sun 30-Jun-13 22:55:10

She's your mum! Unclench a bit!

ChewingOnLifesGristle Sun 30-Jun-13 22:58:11

My mil likes to combine her popping in with a carefree jaunt and to tell me all about her carefree jaunt/lunch/shopping expedition/stroll along the prom in detail.

I think her knowing I'm standing there bedraggled and knee deep in a non carefree life must add to the frisson of the popping-in experience for her.

Scarletlips Sun 30-Jun-13 23:00:47

Sorry I know this is a bit off-topic but does anyone have this problem with neighbour's kids. They arrive up as soon as they see our car parking in the drive! It's so irritating

dontgowadingin Sun 30-Jun-13 23:23:34

I HATE IT!!! Dh family just walked in shouting "hello" . So I took to locking the door.

My family know not to just drop in bit ring in advance. I like to walk around in my under ware when getting ready and should be able to! It's not a public house !

I am getting better though and so are they, they still rock up but open door and shout instead of just walking in.... Small step and all that!

Needtostopbuyingcrap Mon 01-Jul-13 00:05:49

My MIL turns up 5 minutes after i arrive from work. It gets me down sad
I didn't answer one day so she told DH that i left her out in the cold. It caused a row.

mercury7 Mon 01-Jul-13 01:48:14

If anyone shows up at mine without prior notice I pretend to be out...not hard because I live in a flat high up and on my own with no car.

Pretty much everyone I know would call or text first

lisianthus Mon 01-Jul-13 03:35:02

Also not a fan.

Particularly of the sort of popper-inner who breezes in and, when you are uncomfortable because you haven't had a chance to tidy up, says something like "It's hard to keep your place tidy when you have kids, isn't it? Don't worry, I don't mind the mess" (thinking she is being all sympathetic and tolerant of me)

I MIND THE MESS! it's just another proof that they think everything is all about them.

WorrySighWorrySigh Mon 01-Jul-13 08:36:10

Scarletlips - I remember (many years ago now), neighbour kids could not get the concept of a longish Sunday dinner. We would call DCs in to wash & set table. 5 minutes later doorbell rings to see if they have finished yet. The news that they hadnt even sat down yet was greeted with incredulity. This would then be repeated every 5 minutes throughout the hour or so that Sunday dinner took.

I can only assume their dinner was slapped down in front of them the second they were at the table, wolfed down then off again.

Yonihadtoask Mon 01-Jul-13 08:52:12

I hate popper inners.

Tbh the only person guilty of this is my DB. And if he does pop in, it's usually mid afternoon when he has finished work so not too bad.

I would never do this to anyone. How do you know what their plans are for the day. I like to plan my lovely, long days home alone. lounging around a bit, a nice long bath - can be 2 hours or more, lazy lunch. If someone calls inthen it all goes to pot.

Text or call first people! I don't care who you are. I even like DH to let me know when he is expected home from work. I let him know when I am on my way home also.

Yonihadtoask Mon 01-Jul-13 08:53:21

Yes worry

It was the same here. My DM used to get shouty with the doorbell going every few minutes to see if we were ready to play out again.

ShinyBabyOfficialNosePicker Mon 01-Jul-13 09:26:19

I hate it. I'm on ML and my PIL mentioned recently that they were going to pop over a couple of weeks ago thankfully they didn't. Would have been my worst nightmare if they had. FIL doesn't like breast feeing so I can't do it in front of him and I tend to sit on my sofa with a boob out nearly constantly it seems ATM. So I would have prob had to pull baby off my boob to go and answer the door, then would have had to deal with a grumpy baby who's feed had been interrupted.

Plus they are the type to just walk in. Thank god for our new Yale lock which means they can't!

mercury7 Mon 01-Jul-13 09:30:11

I think some folk make the assumption that if you are at home without company you must be at a loose end and in want of company....probably because this is how it is for them and they cant imagine being any different?

I am almost never at a loose end, even if I am doing nothing of any consequence I am doing it in a deliberate way and dont want to be disturbed grin

mercury7 Mon 01-Jul-13 09:31:48

'just walking in' is a hanging offense in my book
seriously, if anyone did that I'd be furious..not that anyone could

PrettyKitty1986 Mon 01-Jul-13 09:33:08

I hate it too...but yabu to be so rude!

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 01-Jul-13 09:36:34

In theory I don't mind it, in practice I would like notice to hide my washing and run the hoover round - probably because I know my mum would discuss what a mess my house was in with everyone! She is currently under the wonderful misconception that my house is ALWAYS clean and tidy.

I also like the excuse opportunity to make cakes for me for my guests.

fuzzpig Mon 01-Jul-13 09:39:30

Glad to see I'm not alone. I have huge anxiety issues and my home is my sanctuary away from people! I hate people turning up unannounced. Thankfully it rarely happens.

Maybe I would feel differently if my house was tidier grin but I doubt it, especially now I am disabled and frequently look/feel like death and am in my jammies all day.

freddiefrog Mon 01-Jul-13 09:45:52

I don't mind people dropping in as long as they're happy to take us as they find us

The only thing that really pisses me off is when I'm working. I work from home a couple of days a week and people seem to think that because I'm at home it's not really work so I can stop and drink coffee with them for hours. I have to do 10 hours a week, I want to do those hours while my kids are at school and it's convenient for me, not catching up in the evenings/weekends because people can't respect my working hours.

MultumInParvo Mon 01-Jul-13 09:52:00

I detest all popper inners apart from my mum and dad. I'd be very sad if my daughter got annoyed with me when i am able to. Otoh I wouldn't be a popper in at my sons, because I'd be the mother in law from hell obviously grin

WorrySighWorrySigh Mon 01-Jul-13 12:59:10

To prevent the walking in issue we have trained the DCs to lock the front door as soon as DPiL hove into view.

chickabilla Mon 01-Jul-13 13:18:29

Mil is a popper inner, we once told her to please not drop in after 6 on a day she mentioned she might come. Sh came after 6 when we were trying to get the dcs to bed and were having an awful time with very poorly ds2. We didn't answer the door so she went round the back, got the spare key and let herself and a load of relatives in and came upstairs! Livid.

Normally I don't mind as long as I know them well enough not to mind the mess but that still fills me with rage!

GROOVEYCHICK Mon 01-Jul-13 13:36:32

oh they give me the rage
mil sil do it all the time
last week my dd was really unwell and didnt want to see anyone which dh told her
sil rang at 10pm and i didnt answer
at 10 20pm she is banging on door then cos i didnt answer she sat outside in her car ringing my
mobile and landline so i text her saying never knock on my door at that time again please my dd is ill ahd she sent a stinking one back saying shes not a mind reader and she will awit my instruction regarding visiting

WildlingPrincess Mon 01-Jul-13 13:43:43

You're much nicer than me. I'd have shouted over the fence for her to go home.

Yonihadtoask Mon 01-Jul-13 14:07:41

Jeez grooveychick

10.20pm???? I refuse to even answer the phone after 9.00pm - let alone have guests round!

doingthesplitz Mon 01-Jul-13 14:11:37

I hate fpeople calling unexpectedly. You've just sat down for dinner, or are about to start watching your favourite programme in your scruffiest PJs, or have the place to yourself for once, and someone knocks at the door. Aaaaagh!

WildlingPrincess Mon 01-Jul-13 14:14:43

Once when I was in the bath, enjoying my bubbles, somebody kept knocking at the door. It went on for ages. I got kept shouting, I'm in the bath (bathroom was near the front door). The knocking persisted. I shouted to go away. It persisted. I get angry and huffy and stomp out of the bath, open the front door completely starkers and covered in bubbles, looking extremely angry. It was an embarrassed looking chugger. He never came back though grin

SelectAUserName Mon 01-Jul-13 14:37:39

Grooveychick I would have replied saying "Coincidentally I'm not a mind-reader either, which is why I wasn't expecting you to rock up at my house at a time when most people are either in bed or about to go to bed."

notso Mon 01-Jul-13 14:41:23

YANBU I hate it.
BIL and wife are particularly fond of this.
They like to come just as DS is napping and wake him up, just before we are going out ("we won't stay long, we'll just have a brew") or just as we sit down for dinner.
It doesn't matter what time any of these things take place, they seem to have the knack for knowing when we are going to do them hmm
I wouldn't mind if they said or did anything constructive when they were here, they slump on the sofa,
drink tea, scoff all the biscuits,
Wife sneers at my messy house and picks bit's off the carpet or dusts with a tissue,
BIL winds the DC up,
Wife bleats about the next big must have purchase,
BIL puts Sky sports on,
Wife tells DC and BIL off for being wound up,
then they bog off to PILs.
We have asked them loads of times to ring before they come so they now sit in the car outside the house and say "are you in? we're coming round"

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Jul-13 14:45:43

if the place is all tidy and i am busy looking like a good parent with happy DCs then popper- inners welcome. i'll even bake a cake.
if not, then i find it very stressful.
As it's not poss to know which is which then popping in must be outlawed.
because it's not poss to turn someone away at the door.

Disclaimer: obviously a friend or relative in crisis is different.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 15:10:23

You can all come and pop in at my house , I love it.

Triumphoveradversity Mon 01-Jul-13 16:04:25

I don't do popper inners.
I get offended by a knock at the door, DS runs upstairs and looks through the curtains. Problem is he sometimes shouts down the stairs who it is and they can probably hear, so I have to relent on occasion.

I hate people popping in too. All I require is 15 minutes warning, then if I'm about to hop in the bath, I can say so. PIL used to do this and it drove me potty. They also used to let themselves in if we didn't open the door fast enough. The letting themselves in stopped after I nearly brained FIL with a vase when I thought someone was breaking in. The arriving unannounced stopped a while later, after I think SIL had a word. We usually get a 15 minute warning now, which means we can be dressed and have cleared the toys off the sofa amd hoovered. That way I actually enjoy them being here, and can relax and chat, rather than trying to clean around them and feeling embarrassed.

We rarely put people off, unless we're genuinely in the middle of something, but even then we usually just drop what we're doing. I don't mind changing plans to fit, or putting something off. What really annoys me is the assumption that I can and will. Plan my day for me and I will be awkward and annoyed, leave the decision with me and I'll be in a much more accomodating mood!

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