To feel completely gutted?

(38 Posts)
Bambi27 Fri 28-Jun-13 23:49:08

I have been friends with someone since primary school we lost touch for a few years over a silly argument but reconnected after a few years when we had children. From then we remained friends for a few years (very close friends would see each other at least once a week) I even made her my child's godmother. Then she became pregnant with her second child and became very distant and now we don't see each. I tried to text and ask why she was ignoring me and she just brushed it off but still made no effort to see me. Impartial friends and my husband feel I'm better off without her and feel me 'stupid' if I tried to make contact again as its only been me for months but I literally feel like I have 'split' up with someone, I miss her and her son so much and am missing out on her new child. Just feel gutted....sorry just venting really!!!!

pictish Fri 28-Jun-13 23:54:53

Oh I'm sorry. You've been phased out. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to continue the friendship, and that does hurt.

I don't think you'll get to the bottom of this. I think you'll have to respect her stance and move on.

It is shit though. xxx

Bambi27 Fri 28-Jun-13 23:56:46

Yeah thanks Pictish! I completely agree with you and tbh I sort of 'know' the reasons why she's phased me out! I can only really guess but I know her pretty well and know how her mind works...just hurts! Just needed to vent! Thanks for the reply! smile x

Roshbegosh Fri 28-Jun-13 23:57:43

There might be any number of reasons why she doesn't want to see you and it might be something that is nothing to do with you. Could you let her know that you miss her, you hope you haven't inadvertently upset her and you will be there if she gets in touch. Then just leave it to her. If she doesn't make contact then you have to just move on.

TheYoniWayIsUp Fri 28-Jun-13 23:59:59

No advice, sadly. Just empathy as I've been through similar-except mine was a falling out rather than drifting. I totally get what you mean about the 'splitting up' feeling.

Maybe just give it a while and then try again. The early years with a young family are hard, I know I've lost friends over the years just due to lack of time/energy. Hope you sort it out.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:02:54

I did that roshbegosh...she turned it around...then when I said I was just sad I didn't see her etc etc, she ignore it! I really do need to forget about it but its hard! But thanks!! X

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:03:33

Theyoni.. Sorry you've been in a similar situation it sucks!! hmm

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Jun-13 00:06:44

It's going to hurt like fuck if you're on the level of being gutted, but she's so removed she's brushing you off.

Why is it you think she's done this?

Is it the future you're missing her more in IYSWIM? That it's only been a few months, but you're thinking about the gap she'll leave long term?

Could you contacting her after she's hinted she's doing other stuff/friendship might have changed, put her off a bit? And she feels a bit oppressed by it? That you're thinking because you've been friends for so long, she kind of owes it to you to be like that forevermore?

I don't mean that to sound harsh, just can't be arsed find another way of saying it <knocks gin back>

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:15:10

It's difficult to say this without sounding big headed so here goes anyway...basically I know her very well, she's a very jealous person, likes to feel the 'best' in every situation. She had to go back to work after she had her lo and I didn't. She hinted a lot about wanted to know how I afforded not to go back to work...until she out right asked me and I told her how much husband earns. She was put out as it was more than her and her husband together. Anyway a year later I mentioned how proud I was of hubby as he had managed to double his earnings in a year as he had dropped partner blah blah blah...just in convo without thinking or mentioning figures without remembering previous convo regarding earnings with her...anyway this seemed to begin to annoy her. We then moved to a new house which was very much her taste but she failed to be pleased for us and then I got a new car and she wouldn't even say it was nice (I have never had a new car in my life) anyway....I feel our family doing well may have annoyed her knowing what she's like????

aldiwhore Sat 29-Jun-13 00:19:24

If she's having a hard time, a text saying "why are you ignoring me" will not go down well, at best it will be ignored!

How about a phonecall, a positive one, one that says "I miss you, lets meet up" one that may make her think she missing something too.

I mean that nicely. When I was having a shit time I needed friends to be forgiving, I needed cheering up, although it's not 'nice' I didn't have time for more shit on my shoulders... just a cheery face, a few giggles a cup of coffee.

I have one friend who's life is far far more cause for complaint than mine, but she never complains (unless I really turn the screws on her) and wants the same as me - a mate to chuckle with. Because she is like this, we've lasted, and because she TRIES to always be positive, I always listen when she isn't. I think that's the crux of it, if you're not seeing each other often, make it happy and fun, something to look forward to. Over time, you will be able to offload your woes (I have been able with my friend) but if from your friend's PoV all she's getting is woe, why are you ignoring me? She's not going to look forward to seeing you.

On the other hand, maybe you've outgrown each other, or more sadly for you, she's moved on from you? It could be salvaged, it could be the natural kind person's break up... if it's the latter, you will hurt, but you HAVE to move forwards. What else can you do?

YANBU to feel it's like breaking up with someone, love is involved, just because it's not sexual doesn't mean it isn't love, and heartbreak is normal. x

aldiwhore Sat 29-Jun-13 00:25:00

Not annoyed her, maybe just depressed her.

Seeing someone living the life you'd love is a hard biscuit to swallow.

BUT... it's her biscuit, not yours. Maybe she'd rather distance herself than feel resentful every time she comes to yours for coffee?

If that's the reason, I actually feel for you both, and it's a conversation that would be very difficult to have without you sounding like a twat, and her sounding like a jealous deva.... actions can speak louder than words, so perhaps, turn up at her door with flowers, tell her how wonderful she is, how much she means to you, is there anything she is/does that you're proud of/in awe of?

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:25:22

Definitely I know I do just needed a vent as husband won't listen! I don't text a message like 'why were you annoyed' it was very much 'I miss you I want to be there for you' so I know I defo need to move on but just needed to vent and know its normal to feel gutted as husband feels I should feel fine about it!

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:26:37

Didn't even not dont!

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:27:16

I struggle to believe that you forgot the convo about how much your dh earns. You know that she financially cannot afford to make the same decisions that you can yet you felt it appropriate to mention hat your dh had or led his income?
You do know exactly why she has dropped you so let it go and think twice before bragging about your dh's salary in future.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:30:54

Casmama...i really want bragging, it's difficult to relay situation basically my oh had had a difficult year as had to part with partnership (which was difficult decision which caused tension with his partner) take on a apprentice, basically a lot of decisions, we were discussing this and I said well I'm v proud of him for finally doing it as it had meant he doubled his income (didn't mention earnings) it was only later I thought f when she asked about income previously that I thought this would have annoyed her...

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:30:55

Or led = doubled
"I want to be there for you" I'm not sure how you could be more condescending!

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:31:58

And 'I want to be there for you' I meant helping with her child and new baby. Wow I don't see how that's condescending...

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:33:03

You were - nobody says "doubled their income" no matter what the circumstances, without knowing they are bragging. If you can't admit that you have no chance of getting this friendship back.

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:33:47

It implies she can't cope- condescending.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:34:29

Casmama I feel you enjoy being mean...if you can't admit that perhaps you will struggle

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:35:14

To a degree I'm playing devils advocate as if you want to retrieve this then you need to try to see it from her POV but I do think you would possibly rb me up the wrong way too.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:35:42

Every one needs help with a child/baby I certainly do!!

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:36:01

X posts but actually prob appropriate response.

gobbynorthernbird Sat 29-Jun-13 00:36:25

And some people enjoy being patronising...

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:36:50

Amazingly well of I'm rubbing you up the wrong way then please feel free to stop commenting. I understand playing devils advocate but not pulling apart everything someone says!

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:38:01

I totally agree and I did too (need help with a child)but if things are awkward between you then she is likely to be defensive and construe things the way I suggested

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:40:06

Perhaps but was just trying to be I say we were b close so would have previously been there to help with anything so was just trying to say I'd do it again...obviously wasn't what she wanted to hear, i don't know just need to move on obviously!

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Jun-13 00:45:42

I have a friend where it was very apparent that she wasn't able to take kindly to the balance of power we both had (as she saw it) changing.

I was always the skint one who didn't have any stability, whereas she was always the working responsible adult.

How she saw things was really marked if any of that made her feel at a (perceived) disadvantage, and she thought I would think the same way as her, even though they're not things I'd give a monkeys about.

Being unequal must affect your friendship, you might not mind about any of it, but she sounds like she does.

She can probably help it as much as you can help your change in circumstances, once something rankles, it's hard to ignore it.

You have to accept she has a say in whether or not she sees you, and try not to take it personally. Although would you want to spend time with her knowing what you do now? That she thinks money/lifestyle means more to her than what you had?

Fuck that.

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:46:19

I'm not totally convinced that you do. It would appear tat the difference I your financial situations makes her sad/ uncomfortable so if you could find a way to get past it then maybeyou could stay friends. I suppose it depends how important money/status is to you both. It can't be easy and I genuinely am not unsympathetic.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:51:37

Agent zigzag I know in essence you're completely right, I don't want to be friends with someone I have to hide any financial successes from, it's silly as I genuinely never talk about it (this post makes it looks bad as I had to explain) I have friends from all different walks of life and we all are happy for each other for all our different successes and help each other through our bad times. I am sad we're not friends but like you said don't think it's worth fighting for someone who doesn't want to be friends with me just sad about it I suppose! hmm

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Jun-13 01:07:46

You've both changed, but in different ways.

She maybe feels she's in the same financial situation she was when younger, and seeing you emphasises that she's not as far on as she'd like to be.

You have changed financially, but are still the same in your head when you reference what you (thought you) had as friends.

If your life depended on it, which would you say, out of the two of you, was the most needy in the friendship?

Lj8893 Sat 29-Jun-13 06:23:52

If she is already feeling quite down about her financial situation then there's every possibility she felt that you were rubbing her nose in it with your comment about your husband doubling his income. If she then started to become a little bitter she easily could have felt the same with the new house and new car.

I'm not suggesting you were rubbing her nose in in by any means, just saying how easy it could be for her to see It this way.

WillowKnicks Sat 29-Jun-13 07:09:43

I understand the feeling but in the long run I think it will be easier for you that you do know why. & to be able to have closure & move on. At the moment you are feeling a kind of grief for your lost friendship but it will pass eventually

I think you did nothing wrong & a true friend might feel envious of your lifestyle but not jealous & bitter! Maybe if your husband lost his business she'd want to be your friend again...that's not what you want from a friendship!

WillowKnicks Sat 29-Jun-13 07:13:24

I understand the feeling but in the long run I think it will be easier for you that you do know why. & to be able to have closure & move on. At the moment you are feeling a kind of grief for your lost friendship but it will pass eventually

I think you did nothing wrong & a true friend might feel envious of your lifestyle but not jealous & bitter! Maybe if your husband lost his business she'd want to be your friend again...that's not what you want from a friendship!

birdmomma Sat 29-Jun-13 07:36:37

I think if a friend's a really good friend, then you should be able to talk about anything with them, without having to keep certain things quiet. There shouldn't be jealousy or ill feeling if you know and trust each other. At worst, a real friend might tease you or say they wish they had your luck, but good friends shouldn't really harbour resentment and quietly seethe. You shouldn't have to watch what you say around good friends. Chippy friends piss me off, and in the long run you might be better off without her.

MrsMelons Sat 29-Jun-13 08:01:51

I don't think you did anything wrong, you should be able to share anything with close friends and they should be pleased for you. It is normal to maybe envy someones situation etc but doesn't make you not pleased for them.

I don't think she is much of a friend if she has let this ruin your friendship.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 09:19:37

Thanks for the replies ladies! You have made me feel better smile was definitely starting to really question myself but as many of you pointed out we should be able to share success with our close friends! Onwards and upwards I suppose!!

Nanny0gg Sat 29-Jun-13 10:05:14

Of course you can share success. So fine to mention DH promotion. Less tactful to mention the doubling of the salary.
You can do nothing about the house you live in, and that she just has to accept - we live where we live and that is no-one else's business.

But keep quiet about salaries. That should be private information.

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