To either not to go the party or expect adults not to smoke around my toddler

(136 Posts)
Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 15:16:51

I haven't been on in a while but I am hoping I can have some opinions as to whether I am expecting too much or been abit precious...

So my mum is hosting a baby shower for my sil....apparently it's going to be nice weather Sunday it may be held in the garden. Most of my family smoke as do sil's family and friends and I am quite fussy about smoking around my toddler. There's the obvious don't make around her indoors....but when its outdoors my mum thinks I am been fussy expecting people not to smoke around her 'as it evaporates after 10 seconds'.

So my mum has stated that she wants sil family to feel welcome so they will be allowed to smoke wherever they want outside in the small garden. I don't want my toddler running in and out of people's smoke and I can't expect her to sit still for 2-3 hours or sit indoors when all the action is outdoors so I am thinking about not taking her? Tbh I am so annoyed my mum is not bothered about my daughters health I am considering not going myself....

I asked my mum is she would have her guests smoke at the side of the house or similar in a designated smoking area...that way I don't have to worry about my toddler breathing in the smoke as i would make sure she didn't go play over there but this idea was laughed at as apparently I can't expect my lo to live in a bubble.

I just find it really awful that people would even want to smoke sat near a toddler she isn't newborn but she still has developing lungs and its gives me a headache sat near passive smoke so I don't want her exposed to it even if it is outside. Of course I can't keep my child in a bubble but I just think family, especially GP's should be abit more understanding about me not wanting a family party to have smoking around children.

So AIBU to not take my little girl with me as even though its a 'family/child friendly' party I don't see nowt it is if everyone is puffing away around her and my mum won't consider a 'smoking area'. When I told my mum I was considering not taking my daughter she said 'well what do u think is more important, X mixing with her family or you been fussy about abit of smoke' my answer to that was that 'if my family are so bothered about seeing my daughter they will hold off on the ciggies or smoke away from her while she is at the party'

I am not anti-smoking...most of my friends smoke...they just know not to do it near children.

Opinions much appreciated as no matter how I try and explain the dangers of passive smoking in children to my mum she thinks I am ridiculous as long as its not blown in her face!

Thanks :-)

mrsjay Fri 28-Jun-13 15:19:13

I asked my mum is she would have her guests smoke at the side of the house or similar in a designated smoking area

I think this is a good idea set up a seat or 2 and an ashtraya nd the smokers can go round and have a smoke, set it up yourself say SIL doesnt need to be breathing in the fumes either, the smokers wont mind I am a smoker and would go away from children to smoke,

FannyFifer Fri 28-Jun-13 15:19:15

[Hands OP a grip]

Outside, as a one-off, for 2-3 hours? Wouldn't bother me at all. I think YANBU not to go, but to expect everyone to change their behaviour, YABU.

mrsjay Fri 28-Jun-13 15:23:24

I would still go though just direct the smokers to the smoking area

LemonBreeland Fri 28-Jun-13 15:26:08

If your Mum won't respect your wishes I wouldn't take your DD. It may be outside but if the majority are smoking then your dd will be breathing itin.

I wouldn't take her tbh. When adults sit or stand with their arms by side holding a cig it's perfect toddler height. If the garden isn't big enough for them to be standing well away from people whilst doing it then i wouldn't want my toddler running about amongst it either. Don't care I anyone sees that as precious or not. It's not good for them end of and it can irritate airways even if it doesn't cause then to wheeze or cough.

sonlypuppyfat Fri 28-Jun-13 15:30:35

Oh if I moan about my DM smoking she tells me I'm just being silly. She thinks fags are bloody lovely and when my Dcs complain about the smell she accuses me of brainwashing them!

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 28-Jun-13 15:31:49

I don't think your mums being ur.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 28-Jun-13 15:34:10

At a gathering which is a mix of adults and children there needs to be compromise and the compromises should be made by the adults, as far as smoking is concerned. Every doofus knows passive smoking is harmful.

Minimal smoking in a designated area if kids are running around sounds more than fair to the smokers.

Amazed that grown adults wouldn't take responsibility about this.

YANBU. Perhaps you could go for a bit? Show your faces and then take yourselves off for a fun afternoon elsewhere.

SilkySocksSinkShips Fri 28-Jun-13 15:34:29

I would like to think, at a child's party, the adults would stand somewhere not near the children to smoke. And I say that as a smoker with a toddler. I've never smoked around my child and certainly not when at a party.

Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 15:41:16

If it really was just a one off then I could probably live with it....but all my family smoke so if I go with it this time then next time we have a family get together or go to someones house is it going to be a case of people been even less bothered next time. I wouldn't have felt comfortable with people smoking around her last year as a baby and she has the same pair of lungs so just because she is a year older I still feel protective and hate the idea of her breathing in smoke iyswim. Obviously as she gets older she can decide for herself if she wants to be around a smoky garden but while she is this age I feel it's my job to protect her from something she has no control over.

I'm not allowed to make a smoking's not my house, it's my mums house so her rules go and she has already said I am not to do that. I thought that would have been a good compromise.

My mum said I should stay in the house (smoke free) with lo if I don't like it but what's the point in taking her to keep her away from everybody and her to get upset I won't let her outside.

Also a baby shower and smoking around my heavily pregnant sil just seems wrong to me....

Marcheline Fri 28-Jun-13 15:41:28


I hate people smoking around my children, so if they light up, I take my children elsewhere.

I just don't understand why anyone would think it's ok to smoke around children. Deadly chemicals aside, it's not a good thing for children to see. Haven't studies shown that children who witness smoking at home are much more likely to start smoking themselves, because they think it's normal?

Just don't take your DD.

MarinaIvy Fri 28-Jun-13 15:44:02


TooMuchRain Fri 28-Jun-13 15:44:38

I don't see the problem if outside, and this is a day for your sil so let her be the centre of attention

Marcheline Fri 28-Jun-13 15:45:16

X-post. Apologise to your SIL for not attending her party and tell her what you wrote ^^ above me.

As she is soon to be a parent, you might find that she is on your side and might hae a word with your mum?

As an aside, I can't believe that your mum would disregard the health of her granddaughter with such flippancy. Her house, her rules? Fine. Just don't take your DD there.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 28-Jun-13 15:46:31

Are the family inconsiderate people? Will they not see that it's not good to smoke next to a toddler and a pregnant woman?

You have my sympathies op. I'd probably go for a bit - see how it's going - and if its really gross, I'd go home.

Yanbu it's disgusting that your mum won't consider a smoking area/they can't hold off smoking for a couple of hours so your dd can go and not end up stinking of smoke and breathing it in angry

My gran smoked around me since I was born and I used to moan about it all the time even as a toddler - it made me feel sick, like I was choking and couldn't breathe sad I have a jippy chest and athsma brought on from childhood and I blame my mum for not stopping my gran smoking near me.

SoupDragon Fri 28-Jun-13 15:51:18

So, they will be smoking in the garden>
A garden which is, I assume, open air and thus well ventilated?
And you want everyone else to pander, excessively, to the perceived needs of one toddler?

SoupDragon Fri 28-Jun-13 15:51:56

I am anti-smoking and think you are being OTT and precious.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 28-Jun-13 15:52:07

Passive smoking occurs outside as well hmm

I would go and if they light up make a point of moving your DD away from whoever it is, if they all carry on smoking around her - then I'd leave.

You are right about needing to make a stand or this getting to be acceptable behaviour around your DD.

<Throws GRIP back to FannyFifer>

Yanbu. Don't take her. You can't expect these people to see your point of view.

boredoftrying Fri 28-Jun-13 15:52:42


My Mum smokes but has never smoked in front of my ds, when we are at her house she either doesn't smoke whilst we are there or if she "needs" one then she will go out to the front of the house (if we are in the garden) or will go into the garden if we are in the house. My ds doesn't even know she smokes!

I cannot stand smoking and won't have it around my ds or myself if I were pregnant.

fromparistoberlin Fri 28-Jun-13 15:54:18

dont go to


or in as time machine to the 70s!

cakebar Fri 28-Jun-13 15:56:18

Is your dd the only child? A baby shower sounds an adult gathering to me so I would just not take her.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 28-Jun-13 15:56:50

Will it impact your and DD's relationship with your family if you don't go OP?

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Fri 28-Jun-13 16:03:08

If it bothers you then don't take her. I think YAB a little U expecting everyone to head to a smoking area so your dd isn't exposed to smoke in a garden for 2-3 hours.

OddBoots Fri 28-Jun-13 16:03:48

I can understand why you wouldn't want your dd there, is there anyone who would be happy to look after her so you could go without her?

Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 16:04:38

No my family arn't that considerate they they ill think not to smoke near my dd's normal for them and they all think I am fussy about not smoking near dd.

You can still passive smoke outdoors if there are enough people smoking and its a small garden....everywhere you turn there will be someone smoking. Also the patio area with the seating and ashtrays is near the entrance to the house where my daughter will probably be in and out like toddlers of her age do....

yes I do expect everyone else to pander to my toddlers needs of not smoking near her..if they want her to attend as much my mum says they do then they can smoke elsewhere or wait an hour or so for a cig....if that's a problem then they can't be that bothered. smokers have a right to smoke but my toddler has a right not to have to breathe it in. I don't think it's excessive for them take a short walk to the front garden and smoke ....but I know they won't unless my mum says people can't smoke in the garden where the children and heavily pregnant lady is. W are talking about a family get together not an 'adult' party.

expatinscotland Fri 28-Jun-13 16:06:35

Don't go. Expecting someone to set up a smoking area in their garden is ridiculous, IMO.

Oh, Franca, I'll add to that:
Don't move to the countryside. People regularly burn garden waste and/or have bonfires or BBQ around firepits. Lots of places heated by solid fuel, too.

Cravey Fri 28-Jun-13 16:06:43

I can't believe that you have even asked this of your mum. Anyone with half a brain will move away from your toddler. You can't ask people to rearrange everything for your child. That's madness. What happens if you are in a park and someone is smoking around you ? I find this really odd. Yabu and maybe slightly precious. I get the smoking things really do. But you already said its no smoking in the house.

Cravey Fri 28-Jun-13 16:07:47

And also after reading your last post. It's a party for someone else not your toddler. So don't take the child. It's simple really. You are coming across as really rude tbh.

MorphandChas Fri 28-Jun-13 16:08:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 28-Jun-13 16:13:06


do you walk along road that cars drive down, you dd will be breathing in fumes

best you stay in and not let any harm come to you dd it is a very dangerous world out there or stop being so melodramatic

cantspel Fri 28-Jun-13 16:13:07

If most of the guest smoke then a smoking area wont work as you will find that they all just move their chairs into that area and stay there chatting and drinking. They wont just go there for a couple of minutes for a ciggie then rejoin the party as the party will be in the smoking area and you will be sat on your jack tod away from them.

I think if you ask for a smoking area, they will all just move to there and you could be sat on your lonesome. Either dont go or dont take your dd, it sounds more of an adult thing really.

HeySoulSister Fri 28-Jun-13 16:16:48

Are you going to be like this when she's 5/10/16?

All barbecues/receptions/parties will be out of bounds for you from now on....

anyone with half a brain will move away from your toddler

No, they really don't. If that we're true then hundreds of babies and children would not still be admitted to hospital with problems caused by exposure to smoke. If it was just one or two people then its easy to avoid. If half the party are smoking at varying times in various different spots then that's enough to be pretty much a constant stream if smoke in a toddlers face. Smoke doesn't suddenly stop at alone saying "shot there's a child I can't go any further" wherever they stand however hard they try if there's enough people it will be a problem.

Stop at a line

Cravey Fri 28-Jun-13 16:19:37

I am not stupid. I do realise smoke floats. Op was concerned about where the guests would be smoking. I responded by saying anyone with half a brain would move away. I'm sure they will. Op is being precious.

x post

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 28-Jun-13 16:23:25

OP, you cannot dictate what others do outside of your home. YANBU to not go, YWBU to think that others should organize their gatherings to suit you and DD.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 28-Jun-13 16:23:31

Of course YANBU to not take your own child into an environment that you aren't comfortable with, family or not.

But YABU to expect the owner of the house, the host, and the majority if guests to revolve around your toddler. Just don't take her, or make it your job to keep her away from people while they are smoking.

If the majority of people there want to smoke, then majority rules IMO.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Fri 28-Jun-13 16:23:45

Yabu. Don't go if smoke drifting skywards into the ether is going to bother you.

And don't walk down the street either, I hear other people smoke outside aswell as your family.

I don't think you're being precious at all OP, you say it's a small garden and with a lot of smokers in a small enclosed garden, the air is going to be filled with it. I wouldn't let my toddler run around in a haze of secondhand smoke.

LastTangoInDevonshire Fri 28-Jun-13 16:25:13

If you are worried about passive smoking OUTDOORS I suggest you go into your house, lock all windows and doors and STAY THERE.

It's outside FFS. Just don't go!

MummyOfSunbeam Fri 28-Jun-13 16:26:07

Yanbu!!! Your dm is being massively U in my opinion.

Fairyegg Fri 28-Jun-13 16:29:25

I'm one of those horrible anti ex smokers and you are being way ott.

HeySoulSister Fri 28-Jun-13 16:29:41

So groups if people are stood smoking and this toddler rocks up.... Are they supposed to move away from her?

Then she runs off to a different part of the garden, and those nearby are expected to move away from her too?

TheSecondComing Fri 28-Jun-13 16:31:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Fri 28-Jun-13 16:32:27

Lol heysoul, I've got a picture of the smokers herding around the garden like sheep trying to escape from a sheep dog grin

Exactly soulsister it just doesn't happen.

TokenGirl1 Fri 28-Jun-13 16:33:04

YADNBU I hate smoking with a passion and you can still smell it a mile off outside if you're a non smoker. I wouldn't go at all and am surprised that your heavily pregnant SIL is OK with it.

somebloke123 Fri 28-Jun-13 16:44:14

There is no evidence that passive smoking is harmful.

There is evidence that you get a worse dose of potentially harmful particulates (+benzene derivatives etc) by walking along a central London street than by being driven along said street in a car with the windows closed and a chain smoker at the wheel.

(It's only a blog post but does link to other studies.)

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 28-Jun-13 16:45:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable to not want your toddler exposed to second hand smoke, but I think it's a bit much to expect people to smoke in a designated area when they are already outside. If you feel so uncomfortable about it, your only option is to not go.

WorraLiberty Fri 28-Jun-13 16:45:45

This is just getting really really REALLY stupid now ffs.

HeySoulSister Fri 28-Jun-13 16:48:13

It's not even a kids party!!

Why are you taking her to something for adults?

Chandon Fri 28-Jun-13 16:49:17

ehm, think you are being precious.

MerryOnMerlot Fri 28-Jun-13 16:51:07


Not your house = not your rules.

If a guest at MY house asked me not to smoke in MY garden I'd show them the door.

I probably shouldn't be laughing at this thread, but I am.
PFB much?
I have visions of smokers running away from the toddler who keeps following them.

OddBoots Fri 28-Jun-13 16:57:02

The actual question in the OP was "So AIBU to not take my little girl with me..." - YANBU to not take her anywhere you would be uncomfortable with her being.

chansondumatin Fri 28-Jun-13 16:58:31

I hate smoking, and I see where you are coming from, but I think it's precious to want the party arrangements changed to suit you and your child. Sorry. The party's not about either of you. You're not the guests of honour. If it was your toddler's birthday or something then you'd have more of a case for asking your mum to change things.

The person who has most clout in this situation is your SIL - have you spoken to her about how she feels?

At the end of the day your toddler is your child and yours alone. It's your responsibility to keep her away from the smokers - not the smokers' responsibility to keep away from her. YANBU to keep her away from the party if you're that worried about it. I think I'd go alone if it were me. Much less stressful for all involved.

sonlypuppyfat Fri 28-Jun-13 16:58:50

You can really tell who the smokers and non smokers are on this thread

HeySoulSister Fri 28-Jun-13 17:00:13

I'm a non smoker... Never smoked.... But I absolutely think op ibu

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Fri 28-Jun-13 17:02:29

I'm a bin smoker and op is bvu

sonu678 Fri 28-Jun-13 17:02:30

I'm a non smoker who has never smoked, and I think the op is being very pfb

SoupDragon Fri 28-Jun-13 17:05:48

You can really tell who the smokers and non smokers are on this thread

Really? I rather suspect you might be wrong.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 28-Jun-13 17:07:21

I am a non smoker who has never smoked op is being ridiculous

though her being so precious is quite amusing

HeySoulSister Fri 28-Jun-13 17:09:53

You can really tell who are the people with common sense on this thread! grin

Cravey Fri 28-Jun-13 17:10:02

Well I'm a non smoker never have been and still think op is bu

SoupDragon Fri 28-Jun-13 17:10:13

Do you expect all car drivers to stop and switch off their engines when you and your toddler go by?

TooMuchRain Fri 28-Jun-13 17:15:16

I'm a non-smoker and was bloody delighted about the indoor smoking ban but the OP says the children will be running around in a garden

pianodoodle Fri 28-Jun-13 17:15:27

It's someone else's house so I wouldn't be asking them to make special arrangements for me. Besides that, it's outside so I think they're doing enough.

As Patsy says in AB FAB "You have to breathe in big lung bucketfuls for it to make any difference not tiny little wasp breaths"

YoniMitchell Fri 28-Jun-13 17:15:33

While I agree with you that your DD shouldn't have to be exposed to smoke, I do think YABU to expect to be able to impose your rules on someone else in their own home (or garden).

Can you just not take your DD to the party (as in go without her)?

Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 17:19:05

tbh I am happy not taking lo and her staying with her dad for the was my mum that was wanting me to take her. So I wanted to know if I was bu not taking lo. Think I may just say I fancy a relaxing afternoon not running after a toddler and she can have a fun afternoon with dad and I'll go on my own. I suggested the smoking area as a compromise as my mum wanted me to bring her and I wasn't keen. Obviously the smokers are not going to be running around the garden avoiding my ever moving toddler which is why I was wondering if I was by not taking her when everyone is expecting me to...

Even if I am precious ...which I am happy to accept.... I can't help hating her been in the presence of passive smoke and cringing when she is stood next to someone with a stream of smoke near her nostrils...I will probably be like this until she is old enough to make an informed choice herself. At 2 years old her lungs are still developing. I remember been a teenager and when family member smoked I knew to move away if I didn't like toddler won't understand to do that yet.

I know there are other people in public that smoke but I can't do anything about that and if i was at the park i would probably just move away if it was that close. I also can't do anything about her breathing in fumes from roads ect...but I can choose whether to take her to functions with most the people there I think I will decide not to take her... I fully understand it's not my house so not my rules...but my mum was expecting me to take her regardless of the smoking.

Thanks for all opinions

onenutshortofasnickers Fri 28-Jun-13 17:21:15

op i have the same problem with my son who has asthma . I tell family that if they smoke they cannot smoke near him or go near him straight away and leave it about 20minutes as it sets his asthma off.

so what do they do smoke partly away- not really- and try and hold him so he has an asthma attack and inhalers come out hmm

his asthma is because ke and his father had/have it we aren't smokers. (i used to be before dc.)

i can't expect them to move or anything because of ds as usually it is their house their rules but i expect people to be considerate to avoid ds having asthma attacks.

most people have common sense to smoke away from people at one side which is ok, but some dont.

yabu to expect your mum to change the rules for you. yabu not ti take her. (i make excuses now.) and i think your mum is bu for not realising the effects of passive smoking to anyone, pet alone children.

im not going to get into the debates of exhaust fumes and alcohol etc because that isn't what this thread is about!

just my personal vein, if it offends anyone then oh well.

sorry not much help op and typos as im on phone!! xx

I wouldn't go to a party where everyone was smoking, let alone take my kids.

Luckily for me the majority of my friends and relatives don't smoke so I don't have this problem.

onenutshortofasnickers Fri 28-Jun-13 17:23:26

sorry for sodding typos- view not vein and the rest! blush

FannyMcNally Fri 28-Jun-13 17:24:10

Me too netto! I can also imagine the toddler straying into the designated smoking area and the smokers screaming and trying to escape en masse over the wall.

digerd Fri 28-Jun-13 17:28:15

If people are standing and smoking outdoors, a toddler, who is much shorter than an adult, would not get smoke puffed at their face, as smoke can only rise or be wafted sideways by the breeze. Smoke cannot waft/drift downwards. Unless a smoker crouches to the face level of the toddler and puffs directly at it.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Fri 28-Jun-13 17:29:23

You are being ridiculous.

Blissx Fri 28-Jun-13 17:29:26

I still can't believe that the rights of a smoker overrule the rights of a toddler not to be forced to breathe in toxic smoke. YANBU OP. I truly sympathise and if I was in your family, I would back you up 100%.

amazingmumof6 Fri 28-Jun-13 17:29:55

smoking is foul. hate it.
people smoking near children makes my piss boil.angry


LizTerrine Fri 28-Jun-13 17:33:37

Yuck. YANBU.

2712 Fri 28-Jun-13 17:33:44

Smokers have already been ousted from the pubs. Do we ban them from gardens now?

DoctorRobert Fri 28-Jun-13 17:39:10

YANBU. And I say that as a smoker who has a toddler.

I have never smoked anywhere near DD, and I never would. Would never smoke in the vicinity of anybody's child.

People should automatically want to smoke away from children, and a designated smoking area away from the main party is entirely reasonable.

2712 - yeah, in the day, that's a good idea.

Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 17:46:57

Blissx - my thoughts exactly

I knew the opinions would be split in here ...and tbh I think 'fair enough' not expecting my rules in other people's houses/ gardens ...ect

But u can't call that type of a family gathering 'child friendly' and expect me to be ok taking my toddler.

Also I always think why should my baby have to breath in harmful toxins just because the adults in her family smoke....smokers have a right to smoke but my lo has a right not to have to breath it in.

5madthings Fri 28-Jun-13 17:48:33

I am a smoker and I think having an area of the garden for smokers is a reasonable idea, I keep away from children when I smoke and at parties have done exactly this, the smokers have gone to open area when they fancy a fag.

I guess it depends on the size to the garden, if its a little garden it won't make a difference but if its big enough that you can have a bit to one side with a table and some chairs etc then it seems sensible to do so.

2712 Fri 28-Jun-13 17:49:30

Oh FGS just tell your mum you won't be there due to too many inconsiderate smoking relatives.

I love how smokers play the victims. The real victims are the poor kids who have to inhale their smoke. Smoking is a choice. One made by an adult. It should be carried out somewhere where it's not going to affect someone else. Adults can get up and move . Children have to stay where they are told.

auntmargaret Fri 28-Jun-13 18:16:01

We never sit in beer gardens now cos since the smoking ban they have be taken over with smokers and you can't get away from it. OP, YANBU. I would never take my kids into a smoky atmosphere. And if that's precious, so be it.

specialsubject Fri 28-Jun-13 18:22:19

I wouldn't go to a big gathering of stinky smokers, revolting.

it's ok if you can be upwind of them, as on foreign beaches with nice sea breezes. They do reek though.

Ashoething Fri 28-Jun-13 18:34:52

YANBU op-I HATE smoking. Everyone in my family smokes/smoked. If I am ever near cigarette smoke it sets me off coughing violently. There is no need for you to go to the party so don't go.

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 28-Jun-13 18:38:35

YANBU to decide not to take your DD to this party.

I have a suspicion that in years to come we will see that smoking whether direct or passive is the hidden factor in the development of far more diseases than we realise today.

catgirl1976 Fri 28-Jun-13 18:51:12


I smoke (started again after nearly two years off blush ) and I would never smoke in front of a child

TheSecondComing Fri 28-Jun-13 23:28:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidniteScribbler Sat 29-Jun-13 00:55:07

Yuck, can't stand smoking and I think it's hilarious when smokers start going on about their "right" to inflict their habit on other people.

Don't take her, and tell your mother why. She may be able to do what she wants in her house, but thatdoesn't trump your right to keep your child from being subject to it. All you can do is keep your child away from it.

lozster Sat 29-Jun-13 03:51:36

YANBU. And if you are then so is my employer who has recently extended the smoking ban to the entire (large and obviously open air) grounds of the site. And so are the hospitals that have done the same. And so are the OPs who frequently start topics on here about 'my neighbours smoke is coming into my house'.

Other people are envisioning Buckingham palace gardens with the odd smoker. I'm envisioning a small outdoor space, lots of fags on the go, with a thug of smoke around it that doesn't dissipate quickly. Smokers are deluded that it does just as they are deluded that they/ their clothes/ their homes/ their possessions and their own children don't stink. You have my sympathy.

CalamityJ Sat 29-Jun-13 04:08:29

I don't think anyone's mentioned the bad example her whole family smoking in front of her is setting her. She's at an impressionable stage and watching a toddler mime smoking with a pencil is sad. So IMHO YANBU asking for a smoking area. If one is refused (which it seems to have been categorically without asking the other guests if they'd mind, ESP with a pregnant woman) then your next decision is to not bring her. Perhaps if people ask where she is you could tell the truth and find out if in future events they'd mind a smoking area so your DD can attend. But I do see your point about conceding your standpoint now will make it difficult to argue in future. If family want your DD there in future they know your terms. You're entitled to ask for whatever you like, the family don't have to do it but will know what will happen if they don't. FWIW any adult who thinks it's OK to smoke around children in a small albeit outside space is an ignoramus!

TheRealFellatio Sat 29-Jun-13 04:11:23

The thing is, it's not just about the effects of the smoke, it's about having your child witnessing so many people smoking on one place - it normalises it, and it helps to reinforce conflicting messages.

As a lifelong non-smoker I'd say YANBU, but anyone who is a smoker is going to disagree with me and think that you are being a bit of a controlling, slightly hysterical loon. Plus it is your mum's house - you cannot lay down the law about how she chooses to entertain her guests.

You have three choices:

Don't go.

Go, and just suck it up (literally!)

G,o but don't take your daughter.

TheRealFellatio Sat 29-Jun-13 04:11:57

Haha, great minds and crossed posts Calamity!

I wouldn't take mine, PFB or not.

The OP has offered 2 compromises, either make a smoking area or she'll not take her DC. I don't think SIBU at all. I recently went to a similar party in the back garden of a terrace; smokers went out the front of the house and no one complained.

FirstStopCafe Sat 29-Jun-13 05:01:46

I wouldn't want to take her either

Minty82 Sat 29-Jun-13 05:51:40

Ugh, I can't believe it would occur to anyone to smoke at a baby shower, around a pregnant woman!! Let alone with a toddler there. I'd be livid. YANBU.

Eastpoint Sat 29-Jun-13 06:13:20


Why don't you suggest your DP takes your child to a playground & for an ice cream? Sounds like the perfect opportunity for them to do something together.

I wouldn't want to go to a party full of smokers, let alone with my children. I can only think of 3 people I know who still smoke, everyone else gave up when they were about 30.

Littleturkish Sat 29-Jun-13 06:52:12

YANBU and I hate seeing people smoke over children. So disgusting. If it makes me feel sick it must be worse for little lungs.

formicadinosaur Sat 29-Jun-13 07:11:26

Is its a small garden with non stop smokers, I wouldn't go. If its a large garden where you can excape then you culd be fine. Maybe decline mothers invite?

SilkySocksSinkShips Sat 29-Jun-13 07:28:43

Why do people think smokers are going to come wading in with talks of their rights? I'm a smoker and I move away from any area when having a smoke. Common courtesy no? My family love big garden events, a few relatives smoke, some don't. Those that do have always respected my request that they don't do it around my son. Just like I never do. And they respect that. I don't see how OP's family can't do the same.

Forecast for Sunday here is wetter tHan a ducks arse, so with a bit of luck, the party will be indoors and the smokers will have to go outside and she can play indoors. Problem solved! Only if your mum doesn't let them smoke inside.

In your shoes I wouldn't take her and the. Tell everyone why if they ask. I can't believe that every person who smokes there thinks there is no harm in passive smoking, even if outside. All the smokers (not many) I know are at least considerate. And when ds was born my friend didn't smoke the whole day she came to visit us. She has now stopped.

Weemee Sat 29-Jun-13 08:19:31

YADNBU!! Smoking is harmful!!!! When dd1 was born I refused to take her to my parents because DM smoked. Caused a stramash but so what? As her mother it's my job to protect her from stuff that is harmful. Having grown up in a smoking household and having asthma I wasn't about to expose my child to that. Both of my parents have had cancer (and are both well now) but that's what it took for them to stop! At the end of the day it sucks to upset people but you have to do what is right for you and dd. And I wouldn't really want her in the garden when there's loads of smokers either- I cant even walk behind someone smoking them smell just makes me feel ill.

YANBU. I wouldn't take my dds somewhere I couldn't avoid people smoking around them.

Weemee, it has made me happy this morning that there are still people using the word 'stramash'. Thank you!

Hawkmoon269 Sat 29-Jun-13 08:46:15

Yanbu. At all. For all the reasons listed above. To be honest, I wouldn't go to a party in a small garden with lots if smokers. (Big garden, not so bad). Revolting.

Lazyjaney Sat 29-Jun-13 08:47:21

This event is about your SILs baby shower, not your toddler. Fit in, don't go, leave your toddler at home - whatever - but it's someone else's day.

Weemee Sat 29-Jun-13 08:58:26

Glad to be of service grin

MrsMook Sat 29-Jun-13 09:54:50

Baby shower- let's celebrate the approach of motherhood by blowing lots of smoke around the heavily pregnant mum-to-be. Lovely!

YANBU, sounds perfectly sensible to keep DD away.
I'm the only one in my family who has never smoked. Those who still smoke will avoid children, and don't smoke heavily so there is plenty of time when there isn't fresh smoke wafting around. I wouldn't want to take my young children to a gathering with a lot of smoke constantly- indoors or out.

What's SiL's stance on all the smoking? One day, she may appreciate you making a stand.

Bowlersarm Sat 29-Jun-13 10:07:43

I am a non smoker but think you are being unreasonable about this.

You will be causing a massive upset to your immediate family, it sounds like, by not taking your DD, to an outside party where smoke will instantly disappear. I don't think it can be as simple as this, you are looking for a reason not to go.

CaptainUndercrackers Sat 29-Jun-13 10:21:17

Don't go. There is nothing that normalises smoking like seeing your relatives doing it. And smoking around children is just not on in this day and age. (I am an ex smoker and my mum died of emphysema so I am slightly militant biased when it comes to taking an anti smoking stance around kids.)

Bowlersarm Sat 29-Jun-13 10:31:57

CaptainUndercrackers so OP's DD should never see her relatives because they smoke?

The trouble is, the OP is taking advice from a load of strangers on an Internet forum who don't have to live with the fallout and hurt it will cause her DM and family. Their relationship may never recover, and I think that's a huge consequence to putting up with a few hours of smoke disappearing above a toddlers head.

I need to leave the thread, it is making me very sad

HeySoulSister Sat 29-Jun-13 10:38:37

It not actually illegal to smoke tho.... So how is it 'not on in this day and age' ?

insancerre Sat 29-Jun-13 10:45:15

I am very anti-smoking, have never smoked and never will.
I still think you are being very PFB though.
If you don't want your dd to be exposed to other people's smoke then don't take her.
You really can't expect everyone else to be dictated to by you when it's not even your house garden or party.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 29-Jun-13 10:45:46

I hope that alcohol isn't being drunk around toddlers in this day and age [DM sadface]

claraschu Sat 29-Jun-13 10:48:35

I hate smoking, but you are being silly. Your toddler will be fine. I agree with fromparis-

Blessyou Sat 29-Jun-13 11:01:02

I would feel exactly the same, and not take her and probably only stay a short time myself.
I don't get the it's OUTSIDE comments...if I can smell it, which I can, it stinks, then I am breathing in the particles, which are toxic. I wouldn't be too happy about living near a factory pumping out toxic fumes that I could smell outside either.

EstelleGetty Sat 29-Jun-13 11:49:01

I smoke and I wouldn't do it near non-smokers, outside or not. I would feel much more at ease with a separate area with ashtrays off to the side, rather than being in among everyone else.

mrsjay Sat 29-Jun-13 11:55:24

I smoke and I wouldn't do it near non-smokers, outside or not. I would feel much more at ease with a separate area with ashtrays off to the side, rather than being in among everyone else.

I would too I wouldnt smoke in somebodies face and I would slink off to a smoking area, smoking is vile we all know that and why should a toddler have to breathe it in,

CaptainUndercrackers Sat 29-Jun-13 12:26:14

bowlersarm well it seems that the OP is only concerned about this particular party when it comes to her family smoking. When I was a smoker I would have avoided smoking around kids, and I think it's quite reasonable to have a smoking area in the garden rather than people doing it everywhere. If her family can't make that very small adjustment then I think they're the ones being precious. The dangers of passive smoking are well documented, and so what if the effects are cumulative? Why should children have to be around it at all?

CockBollocks Sat 29-Jun-13 12:30:43

I wouldn't go tbh.

I'm sure most smokers (ex smoker here) wouldn't mind sitting in a smoking 'area' they have to do that everywhere else.

ApocalypseThen Sat 29-Jun-13 12:32:54

I think the idea of having a smoking baby shower party is simply bizarre.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 29-Jun-13 12:34:30

Apocalypse, you make that sound like the theme of the party. Im pretty sure it will just a baby shower with people attending who happen to be smokers

HeySoulSister Sat 29-Jun-13 12:37:46

Smoke from the 'smoking area' can still blow into other areas.... You won't ever be away from it

ApocalypseThen Sat 29-Jun-13 12:38:48

Well it sounds more smoker than pregnant woman friendly to me. Smoking around pregnant women - at an event to celebrate the pregnancy and insisting that it ain't no party without free smokin' is bizarre to me.

If I were invited to a baby shower, I'd assume it was a non-smoking event. I'd make the same assumption about a toddler birthday party too.

Pigsmummy Sat 29-Jun-13 13:06:00

I went to a garden party last year, me and another lady heavily pregnant were happy that people made a point if stepping away when they lit up, it's that simple to me, they should.

Take your child and try to keep away from people when they light up. If it doesn't work then leave. No one wants a face full of smoke, just because you are outside doesn't mean that it magically disappears.

ZZZenagain Sat 29-Jun-13 13:12:03

If they are occasional smokers, they probably do think about where they smoke but heavy smokers will probably smoke around your dc.because they are outdoors they will assume the smoke is not harming anyone if they think about it at all. In dh's family there are some heavy smokers and it is anightmare for me, I hate smoke. But to them if a window is tilted open somewhere, they wouldn't see the problem in smoking and certainly not outdoors. I don't think when people are heavy smokers they even take in anymore how unpleasant it is or how much smoke there is in a room. THey genuinely don't seem to notice the smell either.

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