to ask you to tell me to get a grip!!!!

(57 Posts)

Ok this is my first ever post....

Im sat on my sofa crying my heart out and I need to get a grip!!!!

My dad went into hospital 4 weeks ago for a heart operation. . He was meant to be home after 5 days...

The op went well but he suffered some major complications and is now on life support it has come as such a massive massive shock and im not coping well.... he is awake but he had a stroke 3 days ago.... he has had a tracheostomy fitted so cant talk but I can lip read most of what he says...

Ive just got home after spending all day with him.... all he keeps saying is please dont leave me.. why am I here and is crying...

Me and my mum had a meeting with the consultant yesterday and they are now trying him on the last antibiotics that they can and if they dont work there is nothing else they can do and will look at making him comfortable and turnung off support so he will pass away...

My grandma my dads mum is 91 and very switched on she hasnt been to see my dad as she is in a home and I hadnt told her how poorly he was... she had a fall yesterday and was unconscious I was with her at the time and went in the ambulance with her but have been told she hasnt long left...

I also broke up with my partner of 11 years a month ago I just dont know how much more I can take!!!

If anyone has got to the end please pour yourself a massive glass of wine xxxx

Annunziata Thu 27-Jun-13 21:34:54

Oh honey. You don't need a grip, that really sounds very hard.

Have you had something to eat? You need to take care of yourself.


Thank you.. I have eaten with my mum... its just si bloody sad I don't know what to do with myself xxx

Eddiethehorse Thu 27-Jun-13 21:37:01

Go and be with your dad and gran...big hugsxx

I cant go back tonight I have a little boy who is fast asleep xx

Eddiethehorse Thu 27-Jun-13 21:42:40

Well go and give him a cuddle, get some rest and be super mum/grand/daughter tomorrow. They all know you love them, I'm sure! Xx

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Thu 27-Jun-13 21:46:46


It's not a grip you need, it's a bloody big <<<HUG>>>

That's a hell of a lot to be going through sad

Can your sons Dad not have him for a few days?

Hi chipping he is having him tomorrow and Saturday... its hard because if im brutally honest I almost like that I can tell my dad I have to go because I need to pick sam up he is in cardiac intensive care unit and it is bloody intensive smile

And do you know whats even more honest..... I wish that if hes going to die I want him to die now... he is in so much pain and is so confused because of the stroke... and its just so heart breaking to see him distressed.... that is the most awful thing to type... I am awful!!!!

Madlizzy Thu 27-Jun-13 21:52:10

You need kindness, not to get a grip. xxx

spangledboots Thu 27-Jun-13 21:53:37

You just need a big hug and someone to help you stay strong. My heart goes out to you. xx

IwishIwasmoreorganised Thu 27-Jun-13 21:56:00

That's not an awful thing to type.

It is heartbreaking to see someone who you love so dearly dearly be in distress like that.

You have such a lot to cope with at the moment. Do you have any other family or friends that you can talk to and who can help to support you and your Mum at such a tough time?

Thank you... im trying to be strong for my mum.. I have a brother and it is horrific for him as dad doesn't recognise him since the stroke life really is cruel at times xxx

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 27-Jun-13 21:57:38


I don't think it's an awful thing to type. I think many of us understand

You poor old thing

travellingwilbury Thu 27-Jun-13 21:58:25

Here , get a grip on this wine

It is hard (understatement I know ) you will be ok but you are allowed to have a wee breakdown in the meantime .

I have an amazing small group of friends that I have known most of my life and they are great but very busy with their families/ work but they are keeping there eyes on me smile thank you for all your kindness....

Mumsnet rocks smile xx

youarewinning Thu 27-Jun-13 22:00:52

Agree you need a ((hug)) not a grip.

As for wanting him to die now if it's inevitable - that is NOT a horrid thing to say.
It happened to us (my Nan in February). Once they said no hope, withdrew medication and put her on a DNR the next 8 days were heartbreaking for her as well as us. (she wasn't on life support).
NO-ONE wants to see their loved ones suffering - wishing your dad peace and being honest about it is a very brave thing to do.

I really hope you get some positive news soon.


crazykat Thu 27-Jun-13 22:25:07

It's not an awful thing to say and I understand completely. I don't want to hijack but I lost my nan 18 months ago out of the blue and 7 months ago my mum was told she had 3 months left. Thankfully she's still hanging in and not too bad but I dread when she gets worse.

There's few things worse than seeing someone you love so much suffering especially when you know they won't get better. Big hugs, my thoughts are with you and your mum xxx

imademarion Thu 27-Jun-13 22:30:55

You poor love. What an unspeakable time you are having.

Nothing to add other than just let yourself feel whatever you have to; don't try and be stoic or brave, and got to bits if you need to.

And get into bed with your wee one; those cuddles are always a light in the darkness.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Thu 27-Jun-13 22:32:15

Oh love, that's not at all's kind and thoughtful - you don't want him to suffer sad

Nor is it awful that you tell your Dad you have to go to collect Sam - it is hard being in CICU and seeing someone you love so much, in such a bad way.

Look after yourself, take any and all offers of help & support.

magimedi Thu 27-Jun-13 22:33:32

You need hugs, not grips ,& I am sending you a big hug right now.


Take care. Try to eat if you can but above all try to drink & keep hydrated.

HeffalumpTheFlump Thu 27-Jun-13 22:39:28

So sorry for what you are going through. You definitely don't need to get a grip, you need to give yourself a break. It's ok to feel completely shit at times like this. You sound like you are doing a great job supporting your family at this awful time. I really really feel for you. flowers

Kleptronic Thu 27-Jun-13 22:40:38

Eat properly.
Drink water.
Sleep as much as you can.
Cry, better out than in.
Any feelings are ok, anything you have to do is ok - you don't have a script for this, no-one would or should.
Keep talking - I'm glad you've got RL friends.
Keep posting - here be luffly vipers.
Have a big fat fuckoff <HUG>

Thank you all so much you are all very kind.. and its helped to write it down and say the thing that I could never say out loud. ...


Sorry about your nan crazy xx

Wolfiefan Thu 27-Jun-13 22:49:19

You so don't need to get a grip. You need support and sympathy. I'm so sorry you are going through this. As for what you feel you can't admit in RL? That you don't want him to suffer? How is that awful? It is awful to see someone in pain. Thinking of you.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 27-Jun-13 22:57:10

I really feel for you.

I think given the circumstances it's completely understandable why you feel down. Have you anybody who can give you a bit of support at the moment? It's a lot for one person to shoulder alone. Call a friend and have a proper talk about everything.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 27-Jun-13 22:59:32

oh love, all these mixed feelings about you wanting him to go because he is in pain, but not wanting him to go are completely normal.

it is really tough holding it together for you little one, but needing to greve as well, for 3 things at once too.

Burmillababe Thu 27-Jun-13 23:29:48

Oh you poor thing - you definitely do not need a grip! Haven't any real practical advice (although kleptronic's list is brilliant) but sending you hugs and flowers

crazykat Thu 27-Jun-13 23:30:27

Thank you. Just remember its okay to feel mixed up or even not to know how you feel. The worst thing you can do is bottle it up and try to be strong all the time.

One thing I've learned is that it's fine to go to pieces and have a big old cry, in fact it can be a big help.

It is really hard seeing someone you love very ill and/or in pain. Especially a parent as we seem to think our parents are invincible and will always be there just like they have our whole life, even if as adults we know it isn't possible it's still hard when faced with a situation like this.

Big hugs xx

Thats a great list kleptronic smile

Youre right crazy you do think they are invisible. . Hes only 61 and thats just too young..

My lovely ex called round with chocolate and super soft tissues which was very kind... and you are all really helping its so nice to have people s support (even over a computer) xxx

facedontfit Thu 27-Jun-13 23:51:09

Fiery, you are not awful, you are human. No one wants a loved one to suffer. You love your dad and your dad loves you, you want whats best for him. Have been in your situation as many others have too. Sending you love, strength & hope.

thebody Fri 28-Jun-13 09:10:57

Poor all of you sweetheart.

You are right 61 is too young and cruel and unfair and you have a right to feel exactly as you do.

Try to eat, sleep and just being with those people you love is comfort.

Massive hugs xxxxxx

FobblyWoof Fri 28-Jun-13 09:16:29

Wow, you don't need a grip. You need a very big hug. Dealing with just one of those things must be so difficult, but all three at the same time? You need wine on tap

Emilythornesbff Fri 28-Jun-13 09:27:29

I'm so sorry.
You poor thing.

I have no idea whether this is helpful but I was a pt in ICU for a while. I was very ill.
It was nice to have visitors and I was scared at times but once they were gone I just slept and slept.
The gaps in between were just foggy. I never lay there feeling lonely when there was no one there. I was just tired with being poorly.
And ime staff in cicu are usually very good.

Sorry if that sounds like a clumsy thing to say.
You have so much on.

SparkyTGD Fri 28-Jun-13 09:37:07

So sorry, agree with others, you don't need a grip you need flowers

My DDad died at age 61 from short & sudden cancer. It was very quick, he went from being fit & active to very ill within about 4 months, shocking.

All you can do is look after yourself ( & DS), your mum & anyone else close, don't try to be a tower of strength, you are human too.

Morning Emily.... thank you so much... it gives me hopethat hes not too upset when we leave him... spoke to the nurse this morning he was a little upset in the night and kept saying he wanted to go home.. but hes asleep now..

Going to see him and my grandma in an hour xx

Sorry about your dad sparky... xx

AllThatGlistens Fri 28-Jun-13 09:45:14

Sending huge hugs and flowers for you OP, you're going through an incredibly tough time. There's always, always a hand to hold here whenever you need someone.

Thinking of you and your family today x

wonderingsoul Fri 28-Jun-13 09:50:00

you deffinatly dont need a grip,

your going through a very hard time, life can be so unfair, any one would be hard to deal with, but throw all three together im surrpised your doing as well as you are.

i hope your vist t oday is a good one, i shall be thinking of you today, i know its nothign really but the mn vipers are here to hold your hand and to lend an ear.

BookieMonster Fri 28-Jun-13 09:50:19

Rather than a grip, how about a hand to hold? flowers
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Lots of support is here whenever you need it.

I can honestly say I am a little overwhelmed by all your kindness.... I have been a lurker for a long time and this post really helped me last night so thank you again xxxx

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 28-Jun-13 10:06:43

Morning fiesty - I just wanted to send you some more love & strength to get through another day. You are going through so so much, it's draining isn't it sad

Is your Grandma in the same hospital as your Dad now or is she back at the home?

I hope your wee boy has a nice time at his Dad's... I hope you are able to be relaxed about him being with his Dad? There's nothing wrong with you still saying to your Dad that you need to go to collect Sam, it's a little white lie that wont hurt anyone if you need a bit of space.

Take care

Earthymama Fri 28-Jun-13 10:13:07

Oh, pretty!
You feel overwhelmed because all of this is overwhelming.
I have no words of wisdom, just some love and Blessings to send your way.
You will find so much comfort in your lovely boy, when you cwtch him, remember that you and your father share that loving relationship too.
Thinking of you and your family today xx

Balaboosta Fri 28-Jun-13 10:16:30

Sending you very best wishes. Whatever you feel is valid - no such thing as awful! Don't add to your sadness by feeling guilt at your (perfectly understandable) feelings xxx

ElleMcFearsome Fri 28-Jun-13 10:18:00

Dear girl, what an awful time you're having. Nothing to add to what's been said other than more <hugs> and a brew (as it's probably too early for wine) Sending blessings your way too.

Morning Chipping. . Shes in the same hospital they are keeping her comfortable but there is nothing they can do for her...I dont think she will get to the weekend to be honest...
Sam adores being at his dads so no worries there he will be busy building with him smile) x

chillynose Fri 28-Jun-13 10:56:37

You poor thing
That is such alot to happen to you in a short space of time hmm
Breaking up of your relationship must have been so hard confused
Now your dad and grandma are both very ill at the same time
Hope that things omprove

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 28-Jun-13 11:21:09

fiesty - that's very sad news about your Grandma sad It's hard when they were doing OK until they had a fall, it just seems to take it out of them. I hope you can spend some time with her today and give her lots of hugs and tell her anything you want her to know x

I'm glad Sam will be happy and you are happy with him there - it makes life a lot easier.

I hope you have eaten something and had something to drink - we can't have you getting ill you know x

Just had to leave the ward I cant bare it... he just keeps asking me to take him home. ... he says the nurses are hurting him sad I actually think my heart is broken for him..because of the stroke he doesn't understand why he is there.... wibu to just run away and hide in a dark room? Xxx

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 28-Jun-13 12:13:44

Oh love sad

Could you, your Mum & your brother be there around the clock so he feels 'safe'? We had to do that when my godson was in hospital.

Have you spoken to any of the staff? Is he responding to the AB's?

I wish we could be there to give you real hugs & sit with you

We cant stay as cicu say he needs to rest which he does spoke to the consultant sgsin he doesn't look like hes responding at the moment xx

MrsDeVere Fri 28-Jun-13 12:30:32

I don't have any advice to offer except you are much stronger than you think and you will be able to deal with whatever happens.

I know is terribly frightening and I know its feels wrong to want someone to go when you are desperate for them to stay. But its not wrong, its natural.

I am so sorry you are facing this. You deserve sympathy and kindness and no grips need to be got x

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 28-Jun-13 12:38:50

Oh, OK. NICU were fab, we stayed around the clock (between us) for 3 months, others did too. Maybe they are more understanding on NICU?

I hope he starts to respond to the AB's soon x

How is your Grandma today? Have you had a chance to visit her yet?


specialsubject Fri 28-Jun-13 12:51:28

it is an awful cliche, but grief is the price for love - and love makes it worthwhile. You can't see that at the moment and it will be quite some time.

there are no rules, no need for a grip - just look after yourself, don't be afraid to cry and take all the offers of help that are there.

With grandma now..... poor love the doctors have said she wont last much longer so ill have a couple more hours with her then trek back to the other side of the hospital to my dad.... xx

mouseymummy Fri 28-Jun-13 13:17:32

I really feel for you, I was in a similar place 6 years ago, my gran was very ill and coming towards the end of her life, my aunt was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and in the middle of it all, my ex walked out on me. It was a fucking awful time.

What you said upthread really struck a chord with me. When ny aunt had passed away, I felt very guilty for a good few months after as the day before I had finally said outloud, 'i wish her suffering was over'. It wasnt until her dd said something similar I realised that I had nothing to feel guilty for. Looking back now, it was a perfectly normal reaction.

Take all the time you need to go back into tour dad, people who have strokes often get confused and need a little extra reassurance.

Keep posting Xx

SueDoku Fri 28-Jun-13 14:36:05

Oh you have all my sympathy OP - I've been there & it's horrible. flowers By the way, don't feel guilty if you feel relieved when your Dad does die - I beat myself up over that for months, but it's a perfectly natural reaction when someone you love has been suffering so much. Take care of yourself.

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