To think what I do with dd before the school bell is my business or aibu

(41 Posts)
expectingtoomuch Wed 26-Jun-13 10:03:48

Ok have name changed but only because this post will out me and I do not want my other posts linked.

DD has been bullied all year by a much bigger and older girl in her class, name calling, stealing her stuff, breaking her stuff, hiding her stuff, being pushed, tripped, doors slammed on her, wiping things on a child saying dd had done it, telling dd she cannot have x or y in school. The child has bullied others inc biting, hitting across head with a meter ruler. spiting in food, throwing dinners on the floor etc.

DD is now terrified of this girl to the point she will try and make me cross the road to avoid her, I have had to speak to school as dd does not want to go on her residential in October because she will have to sleep with this child.

School have dealt with some of it well but mostly badly including moving dd four times in class rather than the bully so she felt she was the one in the wrong or making excuses for the child.

Anyway in a morning the bell goes at nine, infants go straight in their doors juniors can be left from 9.50 and be supervised on the top playground which is up steps (rule is if you are leaving them they HAVE to be up there) or you can wait of the bottom playground with your child, there are many children with parents milling around on scooters or parents chatting to other parents with their kids.

At a couple of minutes to nine the teachers line the juniors up on the top playground waiting for the bell, at this point there are still parents coming in/kids on bottom with parents. At nine they start to file down the steps at the other end of the playground in the door, again there are still children with parents coming in the gates, parents milling around.

As most of the incidents have taken place in the cloakroom dd has asked if I will stay until they start going in (parents are allowed on bottom playground) so we stay in the large bottom playground area and then as they are filing in she joins the back of her class queue along with any children just arriving.

Only they have decided they do not like this and told dd off yesterday for it and told her she must go up on the top playground and wait.

So aibu to wait at the main school gates until the bell goes from now on and then send her in or aibu?

If parents were not allowed in the playground or dd was only one down there I could understand but thats not the case, infact this morning there were three of dds class down there after I had sent dd up.

JazzDalek Wed 26-Jun-13 10:07:54

I think I would express to them that when they can provide DD with the fear-free education she is entitled to, then they can discuss dropping-off protocol with you.

Poor DD. Failure to deal with bullying makes me angry

LIZS Wed 26-Jun-13 10:08:58

What makes you think your dd is the only one being told not to join the file ? How old is she ? I'm not sure what the bullying issue has to do with the school entry issue, or is it that she doesn't want to be left at 8:50 ?

What Jazz said!

Pigsmummy Wed 26-Jun-13 10:09:44

Ask for a meeting with the head teacher and explain the reasons behind your actions and explain that your DD is genuinely scared of this girl, also mention the residential trip. I don't think that the school are taking this seriously enough. For example are they watching the cloak room? When is the hot spot for issues?

I hope that your DD is ok and can overcome this.

coldwater1 Wed 26-Jun-13 10:11:25

I agree with the above. Your poor daughter sad Also poor you, i know what its like to have your child bullied but luckily every time i have made a big deal out of it it has stopped.

Arrive a bit later?

Oh and what jazz said

Dackyduddles Wed 26-Jun-13 10:12:36

Agree with Jazz whole heartedly.

Arrange app with HT.

Good luck and hugs for dd.

Floralnomad Wed 26-Jun-13 10:13:35

Your poor daughter . You must do whatever you need to to make your daughter feel better about going in to school , if that's taking her in late every day after the rest have gone in then that's what you should do . It's hardly your fault that the school have failed to deal with this issue effectively. Can you not change schools ?

youarewinning Wed 26-Jun-13 10:14:34

Agree - speak to the school. Your DD deserves to feel safe in school and she doesn't. They need to deal with this and the time she goes in won't then be an issue.

expectingtoomuch Wed 26-Jun-13 10:15:27

Sorry Lizs if I did not explain correctly.

Most of the incidents of bullying have happened in the cloakroom as the teacher leads them in then walks to classroom leaving them in cloakroom, so dd has been joining the back of the queue of her class as the bully is at the front of the queue always so it means the bully has left the cloakroom and gone to class before dd gets there.

Children can arrive anytime up to the bell going and usually a couple of minutes later and their cloakroom door is still open, so even if the whole class line has gone in there are always kids arriving still.

kilmuir Wed 26-Jun-13 10:15:28

Tough. Tell them you are looking after your DD, which they seem unable to do.
I do think you need to see the Headteacher and work a way forward with regard to the bullying. Make a fuss, stamp your feet, I understand you may not want to but sometimes it needs it

Rollmops Wed 26-Jun-13 10:15:51

I would go straight to the head, very calmly and rationally demand to know, in detail, and in writing, what the school is doing to stop the bullying and promise to take the issue up with the governors and involve the local media if the bullying does not stop immediately.
Then I would bite off some heads.

pinkballetflats Wed 26-Jun-13 10:17:21

YANBU. Talk to the head...if she doesn't understand then start arriving at bell mine.

At this point Id also be going above the head's head and making noises with the governors. If the school isn't dealing with this bullying then you need to take it further. The bully sounds horrific...spitting in food? Really?!

Chunderella Wed 26-Jun-13 10:19:28

Yanbu and the school are inadequate.

Wolfiefan Wed 26-Jun-13 10:19:32

Keep a record of everything.
See the Head. They have a duty to keep her safe. If you get no satisfaction then go to the LEA.
Arrive a couple of minutes late each day so she has to go in last?
(I'm a teacher so I'd never normally say students should be late but she needs to be kept safe.)

Wolfiefan Wed 26-Jun-13 10:20:23

And poor DD. This sounds dreadful.

Fenton Wed 26-Jun-13 10:23:47

The school are not dealing with the bully effectively. If anything it is the other child who should be escorted straight to the classroom.

A similar thing was happening to DS, the school started with close supervision of the bully at breaktimes, then banning her from the playground at breaktimes. She then decided to get her bullying done before school as she wasn't able to do it at breaktimes anymore.

Her parents now have to bring her in to school via the reception every day and hand her over to staff.

Talk to the school again. Good luck.

freddiefrog Wed 26-Jun-13 10:25:46

I agree completely with Jazz too

If it were me, I'd make an appointment with the head and point out in no uncertain terms that as they clearly don't seem to be able to keep her safe, you'll be staying in the playground as long as your DD needs you to.

Once they've tackled the problem, then they can start worrying about where you stand at drop off time

LIZS Wed 26-Jun-13 10:27:12

ah ok , sounds like supervision in cloakroom is an issue which I think needs to be the focus of your complaint. They cannot expect your dd to become independent if she is in fear and nor should you have to adapt her arrival to avoid it. are they year 5 perhaps ?

expectingtoomuch Wed 26-Jun-13 10:28:32

Apparently this child has been like this the whole way through school (dd joined in juniors) she goes from one child to another threatening them.

They have recently started to take action against her but it took her to bite another child and throw someones lunch on the floor so they did not get a dinner before they dealt with it at all.

My dd has had to endure months of it with them doing not much.

Rollmops Wed 26-Jun-13 10:40:29

Why have you let it go on for months??? The head et al are there to keep all children safe. Your child is not safe. Thus lies the problem they have to fix. Pronto.

ENormaSnob Wed 26-Jun-13 10:44:23

The school need to pull their finger out. It is disgusting that this has not been dealt with.

LucilleBluth Wed 26-Jun-13 10:44:25

I think I would be escorting her in to school. I have learnt over the years that sometimes you have to put your foot down with a school, don't let them fob toy off, either they sort it out or you will iykwim, I would want actual solutions.

expectingtoomuch Wed 26-Jun-13 10:47:14

Rollmops I have not let it go on for months, I have been in the school every blooming week talking to everyone from class teacher - next teacher - deputy - head!

OctopusPete8 Wed 26-Jun-13 10:49:37

If they don't like it they should actually take there duty of care seriously and protect your daughter.

LIZS Wed 26-Jun-13 10:50:48

Can your neighbour not subtly draw attention to it in the playground. "Oh look MRS BOB has randomly parked and caused an obstruction again!"

LIZS Wed 26-Jun-13 10:51:21

Sorry mixed threads blush

Rollmops Wed 26-Jun-13 10:52:46

Perhaps you have been too nice. What a sad thing to say, I know, but it seems the school have not taken you seriously as the bullying continues, unchanged.
Good luck with your battle and do whatever it takes to keep your child safe.
I'm so sorry you both have to go through this.

blueballoon79 Wed 26-Jun-13 10:59:05

With regards to the bullying, tell your daughter to keep a diary (or help her to keep a diary) and list all incidents, what day they occurred, what time, and what lesson.

Once you have a few incidents listed down make an appointment with the head, show them the diary and ask them what is going to be done to keep your daughter safe on their premises.

If you get no satisfactory results you need to go to the governors.

If you're still worrying about your daughters emotional health and the bullying is still occurring you can take her to your GP, discuss the situation and the effect it's having on your daughter and it's very likely she will be given a doctors note to keep her from school until you have their total assurance that they are going to deal with the problem.

I've had massive problems with my son being bullied and have always achieved good results by being firm and telling them I will not tolerate his being bullied and will take it further if necessary.

Good luck and I wish your daughter all the best. The bully sounds vile.

Startail Wed 26-Jun-13 11:01:14

Sadly, you are right, it often takes the bully hurting more than one child to get action taken.

If more than one parent complains it helps enormously.

DDs bully eventually had to wait in the classroom to be picked up at the end of school. Just as your bully likes the clock room in the morning, he liked to kick ankles and cause grief in the milling around getting bags and waiting for collection.

CombineBananaFister Wed 26-Jun-13 11:15:34

Your poor DD - to be TERRIFIED to be around this girl at school must be awful for her.
As others have said trying to raise it politely hasn't worked (I have been there)-sometimes they only sit up and take notice if you make a fuss which is unfortunate but true.
Agree with jazz - until THEY can ensure your child is safe and not scared to go to school, you'll do what you need to.

Lomaamina Wed 26-Jun-13 11:24:06

Delurking to support you wholeheartedly. I was bullied for years in primary school by another girl and never bothered my parents about it (long story as to why), so spent years spotting her across the road (we lived a few streets away) and changing my journey to avoid her. Even as a young adult she could still instill fear in me. I still remember that prickling in my back. I so feel for your daughter.

You're a wonderful parent to be doing your best by your child and hang the school and its rules. I agree with the above about taking it to the governors if you're getting no joy from the HT. I'm fuming on your behalf.

xylem8 Wed 26-Jun-13 11:25:03

You need to put all the allegations in writing and insist they be put on her file, they will just fob off verbal complaints they are too easy to ignore.
I am not sure about the drop off thing though.Why can't she join the line in the top playground at say 7 minutes to 9? Am I missing something?

expectingtoomuch Wed 26-Jun-13 11:37:10

Sorry my initial post is not very clear.
You can chose to leave your children from 8.50 and go as long as you leave them on the top playground as there is a member of staff up there at that time, you don't have to.

The class teachers then come out at say 8.58 and the kids up there already line up. Most of the ones on the bottom playground but not all go up at this point to join line.

Teacher then leads her class into school through the cloakroom and she carries on to the classroom while children take their coats off and sort their bags in the cloakroom

The outside cloakroom door is then left open till around 9.02 for the stragglers arriving late.

DD has been joining the back of the line at 9am as they are going in because she is afraid of being in the cloakroom at the same time as the bully.

BerkshireMum Wed 26-Jun-13 12:57:46

I had an issue when my DD was in the last year of primary school. School did bits and pieces to help, but not especially well and, like you, my DD was often the one moved or singled out.

One day, after another incident, I snapped. I kept her at home, but ready to go to school in her uniform, and took in a letter that said he was no longer prepared to send her to school until they could provide a safe environment for her. Reaction was rapid. Action plan agreed and daughter in school by break time. Not perfect but more than okay for the last term at that school.

A side benefit was that DD didn't just see that I believed and supported her but that it was possible to act to improve the situation, rather than just come up with avoidance strategies. That doesn't mean I think you're doing that BTW!

Good luck

expectingtoomuch Wed 26-Jun-13 15:55:00

Ok so I spoke to the teacher this morning and she has spoken to dd and said that as the bully has not bullied dd for ages (three weeks since last proven incident although we have had things broken and go missing in between and child has bit someone and thrown their dinner on the floor in that time) that she should not be bothered by her.
Apparently she just expects dd to turn her fear of her off now.

Naoko Wed 26-Jun-13 16:03:41

Oh ffs I am 27 years old, in a different country from my childhood bullies and I haven't seen any of them in a decade. When I saw a picture of one of them on facebook last month I felt sick with fear. You can't just stop being bothered because nothing's happened in three weeks. Teacher is an idiot, go over her head. Make noise. Completely unacceptable. Your poor DD. sad

expectingtoomuch Wed 26-Jun-13 16:05:09

I am fuming over this, really bloody angry. I shall be in in the morning.

LIZS Wed 26-Jun-13 16:10:01

hmm at teacher . Obviously she thinks the longer she prevaricates the less likely it will be her problem to resolve . dd had a teacher like that, placating but ineffective.

CalamityJ Wed 26-Jun-13 16:12:28

Does the teacher not maybe think the reason there's been no bullying is because you and your DD have been taking this evasive action in the mornings? Having been bullied myself in juniors I would agree it takes a lot longer than 3 weeks to get over the fear.

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