To want him to stay home?

(56 Posts)
GiveMeVegemite Sun 23-Jun-13 11:24:38

My DH has a great job and gets to work from home 4 days a week, sometimes 5. This means that he can help out with our DS who is 12 months. I am currently 7 months pregnant with DS 2 and was looking forward to loads of help, especially since I have to have a c section. He would get 2 weeks paternity, plus 2 weeks time off.

BUT he has just been offered an even better job , money wise, (over 25k more than he is on now) which would mean we would be very comfortable. However, this is a contract for 12 months so no paternity (he would still take 2 weeks unpaid leave) and he would have to be in the office every day.

We are so up in the air about it. Am I being unreasonable to think the money isn't worth the family time at home? He already gets paid a lot so I don't think it is worth it?

Trills Sun 23-Jun-13 11:28:44

There is more to a job than just money.

Being able to work from home is one consideration (although while he is working he should be working, not looking after a toddler).

How interesting he finds the job is another.

The potential future prospects are yet another.

TidyDancer Sun 23-Jun-13 11:28:52

I don't know, there isn't a right and wrong here.

Leaving aside the baby issues for a moment, what aside from money are the advantages of the new job?

If he went for it, is there anyone else who could help you for the first couple of weeks?

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Jun-13 11:29:59

I'd rather he took the new job to be honest.

Sometimes he more help you have at the start, the more dependent you become on that help.

Do you have any other family or friends in the area who could help out after the 2 weeks, if you really need it?

TidyDancer Sun 23-Jun-13 11:30:08

Scrap that, he would be home for the first couple of weeks anyway, so that's a moot point.

The only issue I see with this is that 12 month contract only.

diddl Sun 23-Jun-13 11:32:19

What happens when the contract is up?

I think it would be odd to refuse it on the grounds of being with you for a few weeks iyswim.

Could you pay for help if necessary when he has to work?

NatashaBee Sun 23-Jun-13 11:38:34

Technically, if he's working from home, he should just be working, not helping out with childcare. Most companies have strict rules about not caring for children while teleworking. Anyway, it sounds like its a good opportunity. Will it give him the chance to move forward in his career? Is a similar offer likely to come along again soon?

GiveMeVegemite Sun 23-Jun-13 11:39:55

The thing is, we are moving countries in 12 months so it is actually pretty perfect...

He doesn't look after our DS at home, just if I need to go to the loo or something I just can get him to mind him for 2 minutes. It's more that our son gets to see loads of his dad and he packs up at 5 on the dot, so has loads of time in the evening and mornings.

He is bored in his current job and the new job would look great on his CV as it is with a very well known bank.

Trills Sun 23-Jun-13 11:41:13

I think he should take the new job:

It pays more
He's bored in his current job so he will enjoy it more
It would look good on his CV
The 12 month contract is a non-issue because you will be moving

FutTheShuckUp Sun 23-Jun-13 11:44:36

You are a SAHM so thems the breaks really. I dont buy this can't go to the loo business to be perfectly honest, you just have to manage.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 23-Jun-13 11:46:04

And 25k is a HELL of a lot more money so I dont see how you can say the extra money isn't worth it- to most people it is a fortune.

NatashaBee Sun 23-Jun-13 11:47:27

Do you have work lined up/ a plan for a job when you move countries? If this new job is likely to give him new skills/ an enhanced CV for when you move, I'd go for it. It's never as easy to find work in a new country...

IsThatTrue Sun 23-Jun-13 11:47:45

I think YABU and he should take the new job. It may be easier with him at home to 'mind' DS occasionally but you'll cope alone and the positives far outweigh the negatives IMO.

jelliebelly Sun 23-Jun-13 11:48:13

I'd take the new job. Bit of a no brainer really.

jelliebelly Sun 23-Jun-13 11:48:36

Oh yes I think YABU

diddl Sun 23-Jun-13 11:49:13

Oh goodness, he should def take the job!

Why wouldn't you want him to?

McNewPants2013 Sun 23-Jun-13 11:52:09

i think he should take it and the extra money put into saving for when you move.

If it's lots more money would you be able to buy in some help when baby comes - e.g. cleaner or post-natal doula?

apostropheuse Sun 23-Jun-13 11:53:46

I think he would be insane not to take the job. It's a win-win situation - a twelve month contract and you're leaving the country in twelve months anyway.

Twenty-five thousand pounds isn't to be sniffed at, but even not taking the extra salary into consideration it will be good for his CV to have the new post on it.

Also, if he's working from home he should be treating it the same as being in the office anyway. You really shouldn't be depending on him to let you go to the toilet etc. You should be able to cope on your own as millions of other parents have to do. You just put the baby in a safe place and go to the toilet/have a shower/do whatever you need to do.

You will be perfectly fine on your own, honestly.

kungfupannda Sun 23-Jun-13 11:57:04

I think he should take the job. It's a huge amount of extra money, and it sounds like it would actually be a good idea to have a home-work separation. You say you were looking forward to "loads of help", but really, he should be working from home, not using it as time to help out with childcare. There's a real risk that his work will start suffering if you're expecting him to be able to provide that level of help with two children.

If you're moving abroad, presumably you won't have the same set-up then, so it's probably a good idea to get used to managing without that extra help. Lots of people manage as SAHMs to two children, so it's perfectly do-able.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Jun-13 12:02:59

In what way is the extra money not worth it?

He'll still be able to see the DC after work and at weekends, won't he?

TheCrackFox Sun 23-Jun-13 12:07:45

Take the job. 25k can give you more money to buy in help.

Take the job

You will learn how to manage loo breaks/personal hygiene/cooking etc/toddler and baby wrangling like a pro

FutTheShuckUp Sun 23-Jun-13 12:11:28

I don't get all this needing so much 'help' unless you are disabled to be honest. It's just what you do, when you decide to be the SAHM parent.

ihearsounds Sun 23-Jun-13 12:18:41

He should take the job.
You will learn to stand on your own two feet and pee, shower and various other things. You at the moment are just too dependent on him.

trinity0097 Sun 23-Jun-13 12:25:33

I say take the job and get a housekeeper/mothers help for the mornings,s o that whe he does come home all the jobs have been done and you are not stressed out dealing with two kids and a house!

FutTheShuckUp Sun 23-Jun-13 12:29:05

But why would a parent of two NEED a mothers help? Why do the whole SAHM role if you don't want do it?

diddl Sun 23-Jun-13 12:31:58

Because OP is having a Csection?

So for the first couple of weeks it would be advisable, wouldn't it?

But agree that she does seem to have got too used to her oh being there.

Icelollycraving Sun 23-Jun-13 12:41:43

I would take the job. 25k is a great lift in money & suits you time wise. Could you get some help with the extra money?
When I say help I don't mean it to sound patronising,can't think of an alternative word but ykwim.

flowery Sun 23-Jun-13 12:59:31

This is one of those where in a few years time you will look back and say "What on earth was I thinking wanting DH to give up a wonderful career opportunity and the family to give up £25k in order that I didn't have to strap the baby in a bouncy chair so I could go to the toilet..."

flipchart Sun 23-Jun-13 13:17:39

He should take the job if he wants to.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Sun 23-Jun-13 13:20:12

I think he should take it

FutTheShuckUp Sun 23-Jun-13 13:56:13

But he will be taking two weeks off anyway Diddl as I read it, just unpaid

diddl Sun 23-Jun-13 13:59:18

I don't know about csection recovery times, but if 2 weeks is enough-well fine!

If not, get help for another week or so!

But to refuse a 12month job on the basis of needing help for a couple of weeks seems ridiculous.

flowery Sun 23-Jun-13 14:01:53

In any case £25k could buy a cleaner, post-natal doula and mother's help for a while and leave plenty of change for a couple of nice holidays.

BridgetBidet Sun 23-Jun-13 14:17:01

You can't ask someone to give up a 25k pay rise because you want someone to look after the kids when you go to the loo. Buy a playpen.

Hassled Sun 23-Jun-13 14:22:00

Another one saying he should take the job. It's not just the £25K, it's the better employment prospects down the line with having the great job on his CV. And the more his salary increases, the more he's "worth", IYSWIM.

And yes, coping with a toddler and a newborn can be a nightmare, but you'll manage - loads of us have managed. You just have to lower your expectations to virtually nothing - just getting to the end of a day with everyone still alive is an achievement. And if you're struggling, you'll get support and advice on MN. Do you have family nearby?

primallass Sun 23-Jun-13 14:51:47

Probably 12k after tax and NI (if on 40% tax bracket) if that helps you decide. Minus the commuting costs.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 23-Jun-13 14:54:51


He should take the job.

Use the 25 grand to buy DS a play pen, then pop him in that whenever you need the loo.

cocolepew Sun 23-Jun-13 14:57:19

Take the job.
You don't need someone to look after children while you pee, you need to think long term.

PearlyWhites Sun 23-Jun-13 14:58:16

Yabvu it's really not that hard to look after two dc's on your own even they are close in age. Many many parents manage just fine

Startail Sun 23-Jun-13 15:10:04

£25000 would let me send my DDs to private school, so it's a total no brainer here.

However, I sympathise with loosing the home working, I love having DH about and yes he does occasional non things during the day, but works early morning and into the evening. No problem as far as work is concerned as long as stuff is emailed in by when it's needed.

ohforfoxsake Sun 23-Jun-13 15:12:01

He should take the job.

Babies are hard work, but pretty straight forward. You've had the benefit of him being at home until now, count that as a blessing. If this job is going to progress his career, will it put you in a better place when your children are older (and IME cost more)? For 12 months when they are so young, and if it makes a big difference to your futures, then yes he should. You'll get through it.

Can the extra money pay for help?

Startail Sun 23-Jun-13 15:14:47

Comments about SAHM should just cope are plain nasty.

It's tiring, stressful and very very lonely being a SAHM.

Not everyone has family round the corner or makes friends at the drop of a hat.

It takes two people to make a child and looking after that child is just as much the fathers responsibility as the mothers. That responsibility doesn't end with ££££.

fabergeegg Sun 23-Jun-13 15:23:21

If you're earning more, you can afford a Mother's Help. Simple smile And it's so much nicer than having your DH underfoot. My DH worked from home and was dreadful at multi-tasking. Much easier without him so my mum took pity on him and given him my old bedroom for an office over at her house.

BatwingsAndButterflies Sun 23-Jun-13 16:09:37

I would urge him to take the job, sounds great for him.

Thurlow Sun 23-Jun-13 16:16:05

Take the job, and pay for some post-natal help after the c-section. It's not ideal but £25k is a LOT of money, and never underestimate how important it is to have a job you enjoy.

StuntGirl Sun 23-Jun-13 16:19:35

This is an absolute non-issue. He should take the job, no questions asked.

7 months pregnant you say, OP? Parked on any private drives recently? grin

justmyview Sun 23-Jun-13 16:22:49

If he'd meant to be working from home, then I doubt he'd be available to offer "loads of help".

Since you've come online to ask strangers for their opinion, I'm guessing he's keen to take the job.

Thurlow Sun 23-Jun-13 16:23:33

Where grin

FutTheShuckUp Sun 23-Jun-13 16:26:25

Comments about SAHM should just cope are plain nasty

It's tiring, stressful and very very lonely being a SAHM

Its also a choice isn't it, as far as im aware

Floggingmolly Sun 23-Jun-13 16:29:37

How much childcare can he realistically do when he's supposed to be working?

longjane Sun 23-Jun-13 16:30:25

take the new job and get paid help

ImperialBlether Sun 23-Jun-13 17:16:07

OK I'll be the first to say it: it's FAR more stressful and tiring being a WOHM.

Startail Sun 23-Jun-13 20:13:39

Of babies and older DCs I'm certain it is easier being a SAHM.

But DD1 from learning to crawl until 2 and 9 months when she went to preschool just didn't give you a second off.

She fiddled, she ran off, she climbed, she totally and utterly ignored toys, much preferring to find a pen and draw on the walls or any piece of paper.

No job was ever completed or adult conversation finished before you had to go and stop her doing what ever she was doing this time.

Having worked in a lab where you used to get time to THINK, she absolutely frazzled my brain.

DD2 knew what toys were for and played with them quietly for ten minutes at a time, it was bliss.

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