to be alarmed at the amount DH eats?

(97 Posts)
twosmallbuttons Sat 22-Jun-13 22:44:07

I'm not quite sure how to even describe this in AIBU but here goes.

Every mealtime DH seems to eat enough for at least 2 people. I think he's forgotten what normal portion size is. When I express surprise at how much he's eating, he puts it down to not eating a proper lunch earlier, or some such reason.

I really don't want to comment all the time on what he eats, but I just sit there like shock thinking how does he think this is normal?

DH has never been 'normal size'. Since the 10 years we've been together his lightest weight has been 16 stone (at our wedding). He is at least 3-4 stone more now. He tried a(nother) diet earlier this year but falls off it if he goes away on business, holiday etc.

I feel sad too because it's affecting our sex life; I can't find him as sexy when he's so much bigger. I feel ashamed to admit this blush as I know physical appearance isn't the bee all.

His family have health problems relating to their size & lack of exercise. He knows he needs to lose weight. I fear for his future tbh - the longer it takes him to lose weight the harder it will be.

I support him fully in his diets etc, make dinners for me & DC that can be easily tailored to fit his diet; don't have any crap foods in the house, etc, but it's not enough. I know this is a sensitive topic but I just want to help him get his energy & zest for life back sad

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sat 22-Jun-13 22:46:51

Yanbu. It must be very hard for you. I would find that level of weight gain a total turn off.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 22:46:59

I take it he's cooking these huge meals for himself?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 22-Jun-13 22:48:05

How does he feel about his weight?

Has he been tested for diabetes?

I had got a bit like him before I started low carbing. I just couldn't seem to eat enough. I could eat a large serving of pasta but not feel full, same with bread etc.

Low carbing has been a life saver. Literally.

HeySoulSister Sat 22-Jun-13 22:49:26

who does the food shop?

cees Sat 22-Jun-13 22:50:33

If he is the one cooking then get involved and only cook the amount you need, no extras, if your the cook then just put on the right portion sizes, no more.

twosmallbuttons Sat 22-Jun-13 22:51:01

I cook most meals (am SAHM) but he will eat all that's left, which could include a portion for my lunch the next day. Or he'll eat dinner then supper after DC are in bed confused

Tonight he ate more rice than I could eat for an entire meal. Plus we shared 3 mains and starters (we ate at a Thai place). Plus pudding.

twosmallbuttons Sat 22-Jun-13 22:53:33

Oh yes he's been low-carbing and Primal dieting, he did Atkins ages ago which was v effective but would be difficult to fit in with DC's meals now.
He knows the theory, just seems to've forgotten sad and just likes to eat

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 22:54:45

Can you just start cooking an exact amount and dish it up so that there are no leftovers?

I honestly think that the more people eat in one sitting, the more they eventually need to feel full.

Chunkamatic Sat 22-Jun-13 22:55:02

Then I think if you need to only cook the right amount for two people, you can make something else for your lunch.

If you are seriously worried about his health then you need to discuss it with him

specialsubject Sat 22-Jun-13 22:55:59

stop hinting and poncing around. Tell him what you've told us: 'you are eating way too much and getting huge.'

HeySoulSister Sat 22-Jun-13 22:57:01

suggest some exercise?

Chunkamatic Sat 22-Jun-13 22:57:17

Low carbing is not hard to fit in with family meal planning, just use a bit of imagination to substitute carbs if you need to.

What is your weight like?

twosmallbuttons Sat 22-Jun-13 22:57:53

I often do plate up his food for dinner, so he will just eat that amount. But then he'll start snacking again after DC's bedtime. I feel that if I comment each time it will seem like I'm being mean or controlling hmm
I don't know, I hate this whole situation.

"he did Atkins ages ago which was v effective but would be difficult to fit in with DC's meals now." Why? Cook for him and for DC - you have nothing else to do all day (and I mean that in a jokey/unserious/not getting at you way honestly - I'm a SAHM and I can easily manage different meals for DH and the children - they like different things and are hungry and ready for a meal at different times and we just "work it out" - it's not a problem really - just needs a bit of planning - and the slow cooker comes in very handy too grin)
(That said, I am not an advocate of Atkins, if you follow it religiously for a long time, you run a very real risk of ketosis and death in the extreme but if it works over a short term to give him that Kick Start and boost to get him going and determined to keep going, then it's good for a short while iyswim)

twosmallbuttons Sat 22-Jun-13 22:59:37

I'm just over 8 stone (5'3). I lost weight after recent DC due to strict but healthy diet (low carb/no cakes sad wink)

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 22:59:41

Yes but if you don't have any crap foods in the house, he'll be eating healthy snacks.

Therefore, just cooking enough for dinner and not too much may work?

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 23:00:56

I thought your body going into ketosis was the whole idea of Atkins?

twosmallbuttons Sat 22-Jun-13 23:01:16

Well he eats a lot of nuts. So sort of healthy snacks, but I suspect not in the quantity he consumes them.

Megsdaughter Sat 22-Jun-13 23:02:10

Get him to download MyFitnessPal app and log what hes eating, pulled me up sharp and made me realise how much I was eating.

Ive lost 60lb since Christmas with it.

twosmallbuttons Sat 22-Jun-13 23:02:39

He even has ketosticks for checking when his body is in ketosis. I think he's a bit deluded sad

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 22-Jun-13 23:04:55

He is not a child. All this talk of 'just cook enough for the meal', 'don't buy x'...

He's an adult, treat him like one. Tell him how you feel, tell him what you are prepared to do to help him, then let him get on with it. He will get his lightbulb moment when HE is ready.

Do encourage him to get tested for diabetes though if you can.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 23:06:42

Well 'just cook enough for the meal' is supporting him, is it not?

If there are no leftovers to eat, he can't eat them.

twosmallbuttons Sat 22-Jun-13 23:09:40

He has opened a jar of candied ginger recently in his desperation to eat something remotely treat-ish shock confused

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 23:12:24

Are there any underlying reasons do you think?

Boredom? Depression? Or just greed?

Some people do feel the need to constantly treat themselves all the time...whether that's to food/new clothes/new shoes or whatever.

I think getting to the reason behind it would help.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 22-Jun-13 23:13:01

No it's not - it's controlling. No-one else has the right to decide how much is enough for another adult to eat.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 23:15:42

You told the OP to 'tell him what you're prepared to do to help him'

I don't think cooking far too much food for one sitting, is helping him in this case, do you?

You're right, he's an adult and not a child.

Therefore if he wants to cook and eat huge amounts of food, as an adult he can get on and do it for himself.

But the OP doesn't have to do it for him.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 22-Jun-13 23:21:58

He is stuck probably due to learned behaviour loads of people have very little concept of just how much food they need in comparison to how much goes in their mouth, people who have this issue tend to refer to lots of meals as a snack I.e

Meals that don't contain meat and/ or potatoes.

A BLT sandwich,yogurt,crisps.

Cornish pasty and cake

Anything salad based

Those sort of things will be snacks

BUT he's an adult its his issue unless he himself has issues due to his weight or his consumption is unaffordable and depriving others of needed food then all you can do is remember his food problem is deeply intrenched but his choice and do all you can to make sure your dc's don't grow up with the same issues.

I really sympathise with you. My DH is a big man, he is very tall but is at least 3 (4?) stone overweight. I am losing my baby weight & doing very well, he just won't try to lose weight. He has high cholesterol as well. He is SAHD while I work at the moment so I can't control his eating at all. We're fairly skint so I try to meal plan. Get home to find he's eaten half the ingredients for 3 of the weeks meals. Sigh. Masses of cheese that should last us all a week, he will eat for one lunch. I've talked to him about it before, he knows it's self destructive, unhealthy, expensive, his DGdad died young of heart issues etc. None of it makes any impact. I don't know what to do either. He keeps promising to go on a diet (for the last 2 years) but won't discuss it any further. I don't want to lose him but I'm worried he will end up in am early grave.

Sorry to derail. Any suggestions though, seriously?
(Other than LTB!)

I've tried the following (but they may work for you: offer more whole grain food, less white ( bread, pasta, rice etc) whole grain fills you up more & for longer.
Try not to have sweets around - sugar high followed by sugar crash - sure way to temporarily increase the appetite.

These didn't work for my DH mainly ( I think) because DH is a sugar addict & keeps buying sweets. If you can get the sugar craving under control it's a big step (this includes white carbs, especially wheat, as they break down very quickly). It's worked for me, have lost 2 stone in around 7 months. On the other hand, a small amount of healthy fat (vegetable, olive, avocado, coconut,seeds etc) will fill you up & helps your body work better. Only in moderation.

Saidar Sat 22-Jun-13 23:28:14

I couldn't find my partner sexually attractive if he was that weight, I'd still love him, but physically it would be a no-no. I have once dated an overweight man, he just overate, all the fucking time. Fat, sweaty, unfit, breathless.

He had a nice list of reasons why he was overweight to trot out to people as an excuse though.

You can't control his meals or comment every time he eats. That is controlling. It's his body.

Tell him how you feel. It's up to him how he reacts. Then it's love him as he is or leave him.

babybarrister Sat 22-Jun-13 23:31:19

He needs a diversion. Start cycling and power lifting. Drink more fluids and only soup in the evenings!grin

purpleroses Sat 22-Jun-13 23:32:30

Sympathies. My DP is quite similar. If I cook, I do dish it all up usually - but if he cooks he leaves leftovers for lunches, etc - and usually helps himself to seconds which is another full plate of food first. Only reason the DC aren't overweight is that he still treats them like small children and seems to believe then need less to eat than him (DCs are aged 10-16 shock)

I've talked to him about it quite a few times - but the only time I've made any progress with getting him to change his behaviour has been when I've turned the conversation round. So instead of making suggestions of what he could do (each of which he finds some reason why he can't), I say "what do you want to do?" and "how do you think you could do it?" and he has then come up with some sensible answers.

My only other tactic I've not yet dared to implement - His clothes are getting tight and I am toying with the idea of snipping a thread or two on one or two of the buttons on his work shirts so they snap off grin Might make him wake up to what's happening, but don't want to embarrass him at work!

Laquitar Sat 22-Jun-13 23:32:33

Can he go for swimming or cycling? Perhaps on weekends with the children?

Also Worra is right about boredom and depression.

Another thing is thirst and luck of sleep. Does he drink enough water and gets enough sleep?

Mimishimi Sat 22-Jun-13 23:35:38

Get him to watch or start watching yourself the American seasons of The Biggest Loser right through (most are on Youtube) and he can see exactly what that extra weight will do to his health (intraorgan fat etc). Tell him that you are scared he will die if he doesn't change.

ouryve Sat 22-Jun-13 23:44:47

It's not fair on you, OP, that he's snaffling the extra portions you've made for lunches, etc. Is there any chance of getting them chilled and frozen, really quickly, so they become lunch for another day - and survive to become lunch for another day!

He's a grown man. He needs to learn not to be so greedy for himself, rather than having his wife control his eating. He'll only blame her if he's keeping the weight on if he doesn't make the effort for himself.

MacaYoniandCheese Sat 22-Jun-13 23:47:57

Don't buy ANY snacks/processed foods (not even for DCs...they don't need it anyway).

Don't bake.

Fill the fridge with fruit, cut vegetables, veggie soup etc.

Prepare limitedportions of protein for dinner and MASSIVE QUANTITIES of salad, crudités, salsa, grilled vegetables, fruit salad....let him load his plate with bountiful portions of those and don't say a word. No carbs. Skimmed milk, of course. Low-fat, all-natural Greek yogurt is a great filler-upper and makes a great pudding with frozen fruit. Buy nut butters instead of nuts as it's not so easy to overdo them.

Make a big pot of porridge for everyone's breakfast...when it's gone, it's gone.

Walk after dinner, go for walks at the weekend, run after the children on their bikes, go swimming as a family.

lashingsofbingeinghere Sun 23-Jun-13 00:09:30

OP, the only thing you can control is the foods you choose to buy and prepare for your DH and DC.

So, I second Maca's suggestions. Fill up the fridge and cupboards with good stuff and ditch the sugar and fatty foods.

twosmallbuttons Sun 23-Jun-13 07:09:27

Thanks for the replies. There really is hardly any sugary, processed, fatty food in the house, other than what is normal healthy stuff for DCs (cheese, yoghurts, bread).

It's the amount of food he eats that is confused - breakfast can be 4 slices of toast, 4 slices of cheese, sausage, an egg...

I don't think we should stop buying eggs and cheese just because he can't control how much of it he eats. It's important for the DC to have these to eat too.

I will try to talk to him tonight.

Eyesunderarock Sun 23-Jun-13 07:40:42

I am an overweight vegetarian due to my passion for bread, nuts, seeds and cheese.
I would be a completely spherical vegetarian if I didn't also build in exercise on a daily basis.
I'm no good at gyms, but I find leaving the car at home, unless I can truly justify using it, a good start.
He's at risk of serious health complications and an early death if he continues to overeat, and the problem will get worse as he gets older.
Setting out the realities and saying you will support his decisions if he chooses to try and reduce his weight isn't controlling. Nagging him would be.

Is he heavily insured?
He should be.

twosmallbuttons Sun 23-Jun-13 07:50:22

He started cycling to the tube a few months ago (too far to cycle all the way to work) but the cycle is only 5 minutes on flat, so I'm not sure how much difference it's making!

He claims to not have enough energy to do any more; it's a vicious circle though isn't it - he's too tired because he eats too much...

CaptainSweatPants Sun 23-Jun-13 08:02:27

My Dh has always been overweight
I've nagged several times over the years to no avail

This last Xmas I told him when drunk that I was fed up, didn't find him attractive, thought he was a bad example to the kids & didn't want to look after him when he gets diabetes, needs a knee replacement etc at 50

Something clicked & since Jan 1st he's lost 3 stone !

& I've lost 1.5 stone grin

He ate too big portions too & a load of crap at work he finally admitted to me

He started weighing rice, pasta
Making sandwiches for work
Meal planning

It's been brilliant - he now does the shopping & cooks a lot more

TimeofChange Sun 23-Jun-13 08:04:42

It's not the OPs fault he over eats.
Even if there are NO leftovers, then he snacks.
We all have bread, breakfast cereal and milk in the house even if there is no biscuits and cake.

I have a friend who is size 22, but eats very healthy food, nuts, raisins, fruit, veg, - but eats contantly.
She admits she has an addiction.

OP Good luck.

BsshBossh Sun 23-Jun-13 08:13:14

You don't have to mention it to him all the time, just schedule in time to sit down with him and properly express your concerns.

What would push his buttons and persuade him to change, do you think? My motivation to lose weight came from two primary things 1) I wanted to be healthy enough to see my daughter grow into a woman (I had her in my late 30s), 2) I was fed up wearing clothes that didn't fit in with the fashion I like.

What would your DH be motivated by? Being around for his DC to grow up? Looking good amongst his peers? Wanting more energy day to day? Not wanting to die before his time?

BsshBossh Sun 23-Jun-13 08:15:01

By the way, totally agree that his eating habits have nothing to do with the OP. Even if you control his food intake he will find a way to eat. I was a classic secret eater that my DH had no clue. Your DH has to do it for and by himself.

Eyesunderarock Sun 23-Jun-13 08:16:10

He might be better off not cycling and walking briskly for 20 minutes instead.

Minifingers Sun 23-Jun-13 08:17:26

There is nothing you can do about his overeating, other than make sure you put a normal portion size in front of him.

It is an addiction.

My DH's family hugely overeat and its very frustrating to witness this, especially as they all have health problems linked to overeating.

I'm not sure what you can do. If I was you I'd cry in front of him and tell him you're scared for his health.

RedHelenB Sun 23-Jun-13 08:22:40

Has he tried slimming world? He can fill up on pasta & potatoes & the like there & it does seem to work for very overweight people? So he could have as much boiled rice and vegetables as he wanted and as much fish or lean meat. As he loses he will find that his appetite shrinks.

jessjessjess Sun 23-Jun-13 08:25:25

You say he's forgotten the normal portion size - are you sure he ever knew?

What were his diet and meals like as a kid?

winedog Sun 23-Jun-13 08:27:20

His denial of the situation is a classic sign of addiction. I know this from personal experience. You keep repeating the same actions over and over even though you know they are harming you but your mind does it's own version of sticking your fingers in your ears and going 'la la la'.
I believe his mind needs sorting before any real change can occur. Gillian Riley has written a couple of great books on the subject which really help you to understand the tricks that your mind plays in the way you eat. Once you understand what is going on then you can start to be in control rather than your mind. It is certainly been very helpful for me. It put's responsibility back on the individual. Very best of luck OP.

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 23-Jun-13 08:41:27

I agree with RedHelen see if he would try Slimming World.
Im a member and there are loads of men at my group, the weight is literally falling off them (making us women v jealous!)
My OH is over weight but will use every excuse under the sun why he 'cant lose weight'. But TBH hes just a greedy bastard who has no willpower at all.
I don't find him the least bit sexually attractive and I've told him that until he loses weight he's got no chance.
He chooses stuffing his face over me so now has high blood pressure and still comes up with excuse after excuse.
I've given up trying, he's a bloody adult so it's his choice.

OP I haven't much to add other than I twigged last year that my portions were too big and started weighing everything. I switched to low calorie bread and started running. I'm 5ft 8 and I went from 13.5 stone to 10.5 from September to January! It was hard but myfitnesspal really really helped but I'd never have done it without that initial kick (in my case it was being weighed at the Gp surgery and I left in tears feeling totally humiliated).

It really does take the individual to step up and realise what they're doing - you can only encourage and support.

HollyBerryBush Sun 23-Jun-13 08:48:09

You need a little tough love here I'm afraid. People do pussy foot round food. Dh had an enormous appetite (And I do blame his mother for that and her inability to have portion control) - it has to be done subtly but he's opening himself up to diabetes, high BP, cholesterol, heart problems - been through all this with DH - two heart attacks, first at 41, several more scares - mind you he's lost 10 stone now and back to his normal self. Shame it took the heart attacks and stents to give him the shake he needed.

TempusFuckit Sun 23-Jun-13 09:10:07

I've been overweight and lost loads more than once. No amount of pressure from anyone helped. It has to be your own decision. And once you're there, you have to find your own way of doing it. The cycling is a really positive sign though.

If he's tired all the time though, he may already be diabetic. The constant hunger may also be partly caused by thirst - and possibly sugar cravings. Get him to get checked.

Southeastdweller Sun 23-Jun-13 09:10:24

I agree that it's time to stop pussyfooting around. He's jeopardising his health, his future, and his future with his family.

There was an article in The Times yesterday about how well men are responding to the 5:2 diet. Do try and get hold of a copy if you can. It might help to know that people like Ben Affleck and Benedict Cumberbatch are on it and doing well. I wonder if he feels dieting isn't the 'done thing' for men?

BsshBossh Sun 23-Jun-13 10:08:03

Yes, I know quite a few men who like the idea of 5:2 and for whom it's worked really well. Even my fitness fanatic, non-overweight DH fasts once a week nowadays.

AmberSocks Sun 23-Jun-13 10:16:29

is there really any need to go on a diet?could you not just cook some healthier dishes,maybe he just has a big appetite,if its healthy food hes eating then it wont matter as much if its big portions.

twosmallbuttons Sun 23-Jun-13 11:01:21

Amber I do cook healthy food, as I previously posted confused

Typical meal is poached salmon with steamed veggies, plus either rice or noodles.

Mimishimi Sun 23-Jun-13 12:00:49

Only cook enough rice and noodles at night to serve the kids. Get your carbs earlier in the day. Chances are if he has to cook them himself, he won't bother. With the cheese for the children, just get those cheese sticks and only put a few at a time in the fridge, the rest stored away. If he's a grazer, the less that is in front of him, the less he will consume.

twosmallbuttons Sun 23-Jun-13 14:55:35

I do feel that it's not really solving the problem, me keeping food hidden. It will no doubt help though confused

Saidar Sun 23-Jun-13 15:42:21

How would you feel about having to hide food twosmall?

Ragwort Sun 23-Jun-13 15:48:39

You can't make another adult lose weight, as Chipping says, he must want to do it for his own sake.

No amount of hiding food/cooking the right amount/not buying treats/encouraging exercise will work unless he wants to do it for his own sake.

Surely if he wants to eat more than is provided he will just go and buy snacks from the shops? I have had weight issues the whole of my life, I am not stupid, I know I need to eat less and do more exercise - I have lost and gained loads of weight over the years, but it has to be my decision. Your DH will know he is overweight, but if he is not in the right frame of mind to lose weight and exercise more I really don't think any of these 'helpful' suggestions will work.

wigglybeezer Sun 23-Jun-13 15:52:54

Would he try the 5.2 diet. DH and I are doing a gentle version of it where the only restriction is we cut out sugar two days a week. I have really noticed a decrease in the need to snack on sugar free days and we are losing a little bit of weight ( we only need to lose half a stone or thereabouts ).

twosmallbuttons Sun 23-Jun-13 19:25:31

Saidar I would feel very uncomfortable about hiding food. I don't intend to tbh. I will make more attempt to serve up correct size portions though and make just enough for that meal (goodbye batch cooking then!).

I'll look at the 5:2 diet again, we've both read a bit about it, maybe it will be easier for him to stick to.

Saidar Sun 23-Jun-13 19:30:25

Sounds like you're doing all you can. Hope you find something that suits the family.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 23-Jun-13 19:35:40

OP your DH is not overweight because of you. It sounds like you serve healthy meals and don't have loads of junk in the house anyway.

My SIL is a WW leader now but her DH is still seriously overweight. I have another friend who has a wonderful DH who just happens to be very big - again she tells him she is worried about it fairly regularly but it appears to make no difference. The desire to lose weight has to come from within, otherwise you turn into his mother/keeper rather than his wife.

Voice your concerns about his weight from a health perspective and support him if he does want to do something about it. I'm hesitant to suggest yet another plan to you, but something that worked well for me for a while was Paul McKenna "I can make you slim". It helps by working on portion size and only eating when hungry, rather than cutting out food groups and counting calories.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 23-Jun-13 19:36:34

wigglybeezer - cutting out sugar two days a week sounds like a great idea, might try that one myself.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sun 23-Jun-13 19:39:16

Could you persuade him to look at Slimming World? Ruling out any underlying illness - physiological or mental - that explains his appetite, that could at least give him a way to lose weight without restricting his portions.

I can only think of two options, really. Either you have a very honest conversation about your worries for his health and how much he is eating... or you only buy food one day at a time so there is literally nothing in the house to snack on (which would be mad!)

I feel for you - sounds like he has issues with food, and you can't get to the bottom of them for him unfortunately.

twosmallbuttons Sun 23-Jun-13 20:21:00

He's currently eating peanut butter from the jar and rooting through the store cupboard sad I found it hard not to comment at all, especially when he asks if I want anything confused

Ragwort Sun 23-Jun-13 20:57:05

Your DH sounds like me blush - some people just are addicted to food.

Is he bothered that your sex life is dwindling (can't think of a better word grin) ?

I don't know how I'd react if my DH really had a go at me about my weight, however I am totally uninterested in sex - although my Dh doesn't seem put off by my weight ! I only know that I have had the usual chat from the GP about being over weight, but quite honestly, it doesn't bother me enough to do anything about it.

Saidar Sun 23-Jun-13 21:04:32

I take it you've eaten your main meals of the day already twosmall?

You said you were hoping to talk to him tonight. Are you still thinking you might? I know as you said it's a sensitive subject, has he reacted badly in the past to you mentioning his weight?

It's hard, the person with the weight problem has to want to change, no one can do it for them. But it affects you all as a family, whether that's changes in how attractive you find him or him not having any energy.

CityTiliDie Sun 23-Jun-13 21:10:31

Dont worry................ He'll be dead soon.

There is no reason to be over weight. All the shit excuses are just that. Shit excuses.

I was fat beacuse like your DH I ate too much of the wrong stuuf and didnt exercise enough. Then my mum died at the age of 69 for exactly that reason.

I lost lots of weight and now am lighter and fitter than I have been for more than 33 years. I am well within the accepted NHS limits for my height, can run 5k in 21 minutes, 10k in 45 minutes and am training for the Bridlington Half Marathon in October. I am 49 (male), work full time and have 3 DC.

Your DH can eat what he likes but he will suffer and very soon. Diabetes , heart problems, bowel cancer, restricted circulation, breathing problems, IBS etc etc etc

AmberSocks Sun 23-Jun-13 21:20:25

Well he is obviously getting the food from somewhere else then,you dont get fat from salmon and veggies.

Theres not really anything you can do is there apart from tell him how you feel and hope he takes notice,like others have said he can only do it if he really wants to.

Im not keen on diets,we dont eat any diet things,everything full fat,milk butter,we eat loads of carbs (italian and spanish)pasta,rice,potatoes,none of us are big.I think its an attitude thing,and bad habits,you cant go on a diet forever,and if you can then it wouldnt be enjoyable.

How about hypnotherapy or something similar?I really do think these things are all in the mind,diets and slimming clubs only work short term.

forevergreek Sun 23-Jun-13 21:26:03

Do you eat very early? You say he's snacking already. Would eating at a later time stop this?

We Don't eat until 7.30-8pm ( just finished this eve at 9ish) so no one snacks after ( or before as too busy especially when at work)

City, I think twosmallbuttons knows that her husband's eating patterns aren't the best - which is why she's asking for advice. No need to be quite so harsh in your reply? I too have lost a lot of weight in the past year (5 stone +) and I too have a husband who seems to be turning into The Blob before my eyes. I'm worried sick about him, and have told him that. All I buy is good, whole food, and I cook everything from scratch. What I can't control are his trips to the local shops for doughnuts, or his Guinness habit. He has to decide to change for himself, I can't make him do it.

I'm actually quite frightened, I have no idea what I'd do if he dropped dead suddenly - and he's almost 50, overweight (4 stone, I reckon), drinks too much, and still smokes a bit despite taking up vaping. Gets no exercise, either. I've told him, in a way that I hope didn't upset him, how much his lifestyle worries me, but no change to date. I have no idea what else I can do - so following this thread very closely and hoping someone comes up with soe good suggestions.

CinnamonAddict Sun 23-Jun-13 22:34:25

OP, he has to realise that he cannot go on like this. If he WANTS to lose weight, I'm sure any method will work as long as it includes normal portion sizes and exercise he likes.

I can fully understand that you don't want to hide food. That's silly. He's an adult, he can get food from anywhere.

He needs a lightbulb moment. I had one and after that losing weight (and keeping it off) was easy. Because I wanted it.

foreverondiet Sun 23-Jun-13 22:42:51

Well who is making and plating up the food? Make enough for a normal person.

Make lunch too if necessary. tbh his stomach is probably v stretched so he probably feels hungry after a normal portion.

I would find it a turn off but I suspect if a women came on here and said her DH found her unattractive as she was so fat then everyone would be nice to her and not side with her DH.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Sun 23-Jun-13 22:54:07

How about just bluntly telling him not to be a cunt and at your lunch when he feels like a fucking snack?

If he wants to kill himself, fine. He doesn't greedily gulp down his wife and D's food as snacks because he feels like it.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Sun 23-Jun-13 22:54:34

*eat your lunch and DC obviously!

OK, we live in a culture that is hysterically stupid about eating and weight. It's not wrong to like food, and it's NOT, actually, wrong, to be fat. However, the real problem here is that this man is, by the sound of it, eating so much that other family members are going short of food. If the household has a limited food budget then it's not OK for one person to eat much more than everyone else ie when a batch of food has been prepared that's supposed to do two/three meals but one person eats all the leftovers, that's simply unfair. So I would suggest the OP discusses it with her H in these terms: there is not going to be enough food to go round if you just keep eating everything in sight.

RevoltingPeasant Sun 23-Jun-13 23:05:22

OP I feel so sorry. My poor aunt worked hard all her life and retired at 65 to spend time with her much loved DH. He had always smoked and drunk. They sold the house, bought a boat and wanted to travel the world. Only he had a heart attack before they got to go anywhere. It was awful - she was a PE teacher and v fit, but he always just laughed at her. He will miss his daughter's wedding this summer.

I think it may take knowing someone like that to jolt your H into the reality of what he's doing.

Saidar Sun 23-Jun-13 23:05:30

"foreverondiet Sun 23-Jun-13 22:42:51
Well who is making and plating up the food?"

Does your DP/Friend/Family monitor your food intake since you are forever on a diet? Or are you allowed to be an adult and regulate your own food intake?

OP is not to blame for her husband's health.

monicalewinski Sun 23-Jun-13 23:08:33

Lots on here about diet, only some on exercise.

For men especially, they will shred LOADS by getting active (my husband is a pain in the arse with this, will realise he's getting a bit "soft" then train harder for a few weeks and be back in shape - doesn't work quite as fast for me!). Cycling, walking (fast) and strength training - the more muscle he has, the more he will burn fat.

He needs to realise for himself though what he's becoming, stop quietly worrying and get him to have a good look at his habits (if you can).

twosmallbuttons Mon 24-Jun-13 20:42:17

Update smile

Last night I was totally honest with DH and told him I was worried about his health and the direction it was going. I told him I was worried he wouldn't be healthy enough to see our kids into adulthood. I have dreams of us all skipping through meadows wink but currently he can't even hop let alone skip.
I did mention diabetes as a very real possibility - I suggested a visit to the GP so we'll see if he takes himself off there.

He was quite taken aback at first but in the end admitted he has some sort of addiction to food, it's been a problem all his life (his DM over fed him & his sibling as kids). He sees food as a treat, and lets himself treat himself whenever he wants.
He is particularly vulnerable when he's stressed, busy, sad etc. He had a very sad year last year with family stuff, and I don't think he's come out of it fully yet.sad

However, he thanked me for my honesty, and I think this was his 'lightbulb' moment as pp said upthread. He has been quiet today, I suspect is still working his way through all these issues.

Thanks to everyone for their advice, it was a difficult but necessary conversation, and one that I was struggling to do before starting this thread thanks

monicalewinski Mon 24-Jun-13 21:03:46

Yay! Good luck with everything. x

I'm glad the talk went down okay twosmall. I hope everything goes well for you all in the future.

Saidar Mon 24-Jun-13 22:00:43

So glad you've came out of this together feeling positive.

Hope the GP can give him a good bill health wise so it's just about prevention and enjoying life with each other.


CinnamonAddict Mon 24-Jun-13 22:01:33

He may need professional tbh. It's very hard to start a healthy eating regime if the unhealthy eating is a lifelong habit of using food to cover up or cope with emotions. He needs alternative strategies for those issues first.

Good luck!

twosmallbuttons Mon 24-Jun-13 22:10:37

Thanks Cinnamon, I hadn't thought of that possibility. Do you have any suggestions for what would help? Tbh if DH is not jumping up to go to the GP I'm not sure how he'd react to the suggestion of professional help grin

Ps Do you mean seeing a counsellor, or a personal trainer? blush

CinnamonAddict Mon 24-Jun-13 22:21:43

I meant therapy. He will probably run a mile at the suggestion grin, but maybe he would read a book? You can google emotional eater, or go on amazon.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Mon 24-Jun-13 22:33:34

Good on you OP! Best of luck to your DH, addictions are hard and admitting you have a problem is the first step which he has taken. He is very lucky to have such a loving, supportive wife. smile

BriansBrain Mon 24-Jun-13 22:40:28

I've just read from beginning to end and I'm so glad to read a positive outcome, as in you spoke to him about how worried you are.

My experience is a bit different because it was my DH who asked me to help him loose weight.

Because of working hours I cold eat with the DC and then cook a fresh meal for him in the evening. Veg and chicken.

Every night

Night after night

I have a tiny appetite and sort of talked DH out of eating until it became normal for him to only need normal size meals.

He still doesn't have any carbs although we do now eat togeather again but I have carbs (because I ned them) and he skips them.

A treat in our house for him is cauli and broc cheese, I've mastered the sauce so it has more mustard seed and black pepper in it than cheese.

He has now started going to the gym and is really enjoying it and feeling so much happier in himself.

It's little steps but now a lot lighter ones than before.

BriansBrain Mon 24-Jun-13 22:41:22

Lose not loose ffs - although his trousers are a lot looser these days grin

twosmallbuttons Mon 24-Jun-13 22:46:19

Emotional eating...that describes DH very well. Thanks for the diagnosis smile

There are some nutritionists who cover the psychological aspects of eating/comfort eating/overindulging so he could get the counselling without labelling it as such IYSWIM.

Well done, OP, I hope this is the beginning of a healthier DH. smile I was going to come on here to post in a jokey way to tell him that his winky looks smaller under a big tummy but I think your approach was better grin

twosmallbuttons Mon 24-Jun-13 23:03:22

grin Hearts

Southeastdweller Tue 25-Jun-13 22:43:05

Glad to read he's turned a corner. I would encourage him to do exercise - even brisk walking is great and perhaps something you could do together. Exercise is fab for weight loss, mood and many people find they become addicted to it.

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