To think my birthday could be about me?

(64 Posts)
phantomhairpuller Sat 22-Jun-13 19:22:02

Ok so it's not a milestone birthday or anything but still!

DH and FIL went to the pub this morning to watch tho lions game. MIL stayed with me to help get things sorted for the family do which was taking place this afternoon.

Picked up the men folk at 1.30 and they were both fairly well oiled. They continued drinking when they got back to our house. My family descended at around 3pm and FIL immediately started with comments about how the English players were better then the welsh players during the game (it doesn't matter that they were all playing for the same team on this occasion!) he was trying to get a reaction from my (welsh) grandfather. It worked, my 79yr old grandfather walked away from the 'conversation' saying he couldn't be bothered with it- fair enough IMO.

To cut a long story short, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife and consequently my family left after 2hrs. DH passed out drunk and then MIL and FIL left without barely saying a word.

So on my bday, I've done all the clearing up and looked after a toddler and a newborn, basically on my own.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off or do I need a good slap and to get over myself?

Would love a wine now but am bf-ing hmm

ladyMaryQuiteContrary Sat 22-Jun-13 19:23:36

Next year you need to boom yourself and a pal into a spa for the day and leave them to it. wink

ladyMaryQuiteContrary Sat 22-Jun-13 19:23:53

Book!! Not boom

RandomMess Sat 22-Jun-13 19:26:23

Blimey, I'd be fuming tbh whether it was my birthday or not!

Flobbadobs Sat 22-Jun-13 19:32:12

Well on the bright side hopefully your MIL is giving your FIL an earbashing for acting like an arse..
And hopefully you'll give DH one when he sobers up. Can you ditch him and go out somewhere nice with friends or your family tomorrow?
Time your wine carefully and you can still BF safely I think.
Happy Birthday flowers

VestandKnickers Sat 22-Jun-13 19:32:43

I'd be bloody livid. Don't think the whole birthday thing is that relevant once you're a grown up but they sound like immature arses and they spoilt a nice family day.

VestandKnickers Sat 22-Jun-13 19:33:51

Oh, and happy birthday! Here are some flowers

Catsize Sat 22-Jun-13 19:34:45

Not being unreasonable.

Poor you.

When it is your husband's birthday, go on a girly shopping trip and leave him with the kids.

Buzzardbird Sat 22-Jun-13 19:37:06

Your husband is a selfish arse. I hope I put that clearly enough?

phantomhairpuller Sat 22-Jun-13 19:43:00

I am fucking furious. He's now got up because DS1 went and disturbed him. And he's got the fucking cheek to be treating me like I'm the bad guy. He's sitting there watching me get the boys ready for bed, not offering to help but making really useful comments like 'mums got it on her'.

Fucking knobhead cunty-bollock-headed prick. Arrrgghhhhh angry

Aniseeda Sat 22-Jun-13 20:02:21

YANBU but hosting a family do wouldn't be my idea of a fun way to spend my birthday at the best of times and even if they were all the best of friends.

I really hope you won't make any effort for your DH's birthday this year.

And, next year, go out with friends or just your parents and the DC.

phantomhairpuller Sat 22-Jun-13 20:04:31

Bit late for not making an effort aniseeda, I threw him a huge surprise party for his 30th in march hmm

I'm so upset and angry with him right now!

HairyWorm Sat 22-Jun-13 20:09:10

I'd wait until tomorrow when you're calmer and spell out why you're upset and that he will be taking you out next weekend for dinner so you can have 'a birthday'.

Although I'd find it very difficult not to smash the TV over his head before then.

Catsize Sat 22-Jun-13 20:16:13

He is only 30? Assumed he was at least 600million years old, with his stoneage views.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 22-Jun-13 20:24:44

Well he's totally out of order making stupid goady comments while semi pissed, and it's obvious you're trying to get the boys ready for bed. I wonder if he's trying to pick an argument...

squoosh Sat 22-Jun-13 20:29:13

Stick him under the patio.

phantomhairpuller Sat 22-Jun-13 20:32:32

He's most definitely trying to pick an argument. Very occasionally he's an absolute arse when he's pissed. This is one of those occasions hmm

StuffezLaYoni Sat 22-Jun-13 20:40:52

How horrible for you on your birthday. If you don't want the day to end totally miserably, I think you should stay away from him, bite your lip (I know you shouldn't have to) then calmly ask him tomorrow to explain himself. Why the fuck is he trying to upset you on your birthday? Probably to detract from the fact his behaviour already ballsed up the day.

phantomhairpuller Sat 22-Jun-13 20:43:56

He just started trying to make small talk so I got up and left the room <super mature>

Am now in bed! 8.30 on a Saturday night. Rock and roll wink

ENormaSnob Sat 22-Jun-13 20:45:18

I would fucking kill him tbh.

What a selfish twat.

StuffezLaYoni Sat 22-Jun-13 20:47:46

You can come round and drink gin and tonic at my place! grin
It's really shit but I think you've done the right thing. I would be really upset on behalf of my family though.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 22-Jun-13 20:50:39

I agree with EnormaSnob

What an arse. Sorry you had such a shit birthday. Especially after going to such trouble for his birthday.

PoppyWearer Sat 22-Jun-13 20:56:48


Happy Birthday thanksthanksthanksthanksthanks winewinewinewinewine

StuffezLaYoni Sat 22-Jun-13 20:58:03

Oh shit yeah, happy birthday!

ArtexMonkey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:59:40

Send him round to his parents until he can be less of a cunt.

Happy birthday btw, sorry it's been shit for you.

phantomhairpuller Sun 23-Jun-13 20:04:33

UPDATE: for anyone who cares!

FIL called this morning very sheepish and full of apologies smile

DH has continued to act like a child, ignored me all morning(!) refused to come to a family do (HIS family!) and since me and DCs got back from said family do he's been nothing but downright horrible to me sad

So basically he's managed to turn it around so that I'm now the one treading on eggshells and apologising to him. I bloody hate fighting with him and he knows that.

I'm fairly certain I was justified in being pissed off about yesterday but he's making me feel like this whole thing is my fault. I can't do right for doing wrong now.

Oh, and he's had a bottle of wine to himself which is sure to be helping the situation confused

squoosh Sun 23-Jun-13 20:08:21

DH sounds like a controlling wanker. Why are you apologising to him when you know full well he's manipulated you into it??

At least FIL apologised.

GetStuffezd Sun 23-Jun-13 20:10:44

Right, this is not on OP. why does he want to hurt you so much? He's trying to get a rise out of you so he can say what he's really thinking and accuse you of xyz. Do NOT apologise!

Flobbadobs Sun 23-Jun-13 20:11:43

Stop apologising!! You did nothing wrong at all.
Did you tell his family why he wasn't there? I hope you did. Glad your FIL made amends though, send him round to his parents, get your MIL to give him a dose of whatever she gave his Dad.
In all honesty though it sounds like he's feeling guilty and acting defensively and childishly about it. Don't tiptoe around him, just sort you and the DC's out and ignore him, especially as he's drinking again.
Does he drink alot or is he one of those who (rather like my own DH) thinks he can hold it but can't?

ChasedByBees Sun 23-Jun-13 20:18:41

Wow, I hope you're not apologising - you have nothing to apologise for. Your DH is being a total arse.

peeriebear Sun 23-Jun-13 20:20:56


I really hope that you are not apologising! He needs to grow up or get out! At the very least he should be wearing the wine - not drinking it!

ComtessedeFrouFrou Sun 23-Jun-13 20:26:24

Why is he being such a total twunt?

Do not apologise - and do not just carry on as normal either. Arsehole needs to know this is not OK behaviour.

phantomhairpuller Sun 23-Jun-13 20:27:16

He'd called his mum to say he wasn't coming and she'd tried to talk him round but he wasn't having any of it. Obviously I don't know what else was said but she was definitely frosty with me when we first arrived. She soon mellowed once she saw how upset I was and we had quite a nice chat which made me feel a lot better - temporarily!!

Poor DS1 (2.2) has seen me cry more times today than I think he's ever seen me cry, surely that'll be having an impact on him?

I absolutely hate, loathe and detest arguments, they really upset me. If me apologising means this atmosphere between us will clear then that's what I'm willing to do. Even tho I know it's wrong.

squoosh Sun 23-Jun-13 20:27:50

There's no point dancing to his tune just to keep the peace. It will create an unhealthy power imbalance.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sun 23-Jun-13 20:47:13

I think you have to confront him or you'll be in a tizz forever. Say to him 'look you know you spoiled my birthday, the fact that you're sulking like this means you're obviously feeling guilty and embarrassed, if you apologise like a grown up and make it up to me we'll say no more about it' or similar.

My dh is a bit like this. Totally unable to apologise if he's done something stupid, just sits and glowers with embarrassment.

Good luck.

GetStuffezd Sun 23-Jun-13 20:49:26

So he's told his mother some bollocks about you too??
You are not happy in your marriage are you? sad

JohnnyUtah Sun 23-Jun-13 20:52:00

Do not apologise he is being n arse

phantomhairpuller Sun 23-Jun-13 21:01:12

You know what getstuffezd? I think you've hit the nail on the head sad

imustbepatient Sun 23-Jun-13 21:16:01

OP I can't add anything to what the others have said but just wanted to add I'm really sorry to hear what a rubbish birthday you had but also that it sounds like a symptom of something bigger. Don't apologise. See him for what he is. You sound like a lovely person, I just wanted to say that. Best of luck.

GetStuffezd Sun 23-Jun-13 21:24:05

So, deep breath, what next? I have no experience of marriage, but I am a big believer in everyone having the right to be happy, fulfilled and respected in their relationships. Will he listen if you try to initiate a proper conversation? If not, I'd have serious concerns.

formerdiva Sun 23-Jun-13 21:31:51

I know we all behave like wankers every once in a while, but I'm afraid your DH really does sound awful. What's your relationship usually like?

ENormaSnob Sun 23-Jun-13 21:36:32

What an absolute bastard.

Hope you're ok sad

McNewPants2013 Sun 23-Jun-13 22:02:40

what a knob head, I dont rate adult birthdays much but thats not the point of this thread.

I see it as you has no respect for you and why are you walking on egg shells, what are you scared of ( no need to answer) because you shouldn't feel scared or intimidated especially in your own home.

BTW you can have a small glass of wine while breastfeeding.

CaptainSweatPants Sun 23-Jun-13 22:07:33

He must have had a hangover from yesterday but today he's drank a bottle of wine?

Sounds Like a problem drinker sad

GetStuffezd Sun 23-Jun-13 22:20:41

IMO I don't think the drinking is the issue here. Many people can go out and get pissed during a sports event, then drink more in the evening, then drink the next day. It's not great or healthy but many people do. (I do). Don't let the alcohol obscure the fact he's being so hateful and hurtful towards you. There is something else here he's too cowardly to talk properly about.

DoodleAlley Mon 24-Jun-13 07:53:21

How are things this morning OP?

Inertia Mon 24-Jun-13 08:06:51

At first I was going to say that you know what to do for his next birthday - leave him with the kids, invite the families over, and piss off out for the day.

Having read your updates, that comment would be 14 words too long. Is he always this vile to you ? Why are you apologising for his foul behaviour ?

phantomhairpuller Mon 24-Jun-13 08:38:35

Not great this morning. He ignored me for the most part. I tried to talk to him about a routine hosp appt he has this afternoon, he gave me nothing but abuse in return sad

I told him he can be as vile and rude as he likes, I'm not walking away until I've had a valid explanation from him. It's not fair on our boys for starters. He's acting like a child.

It is fairly out of character for him, it's not the first time I've seen him behave like this admittedly but it's far from being a regular occurrence.

There's something underlying, there has to be.

"I absolutely hate, loathe and detest arguments, they really upset me. If me apologising means this atmosphere between us will clear then that's what I'm willing to do. Even tho I know it's wrong."
Please don't apologise. It just sets the precedent, and encourages an unreasonable person (your DH) to be unreasonable again, because there's no consequences (in their opinion). You'll be making a rod for your own back.

GetStuffezd Mon 24-Jun-13 13:15:44

Oh bloody hell. As soon as he's vile again you need to be firm and say you're NOT putting up with this disrespectful behaviour. You've done NOTHING wrong and this is not how husbands treat their wives. You want an explanation now or he can get out until he's grown up enough to do so.

Honestly. Say that. Why the actual FUCK should you be apologising when you've done nothing wrong? And you sound really lovely, but don't give him licence to keep treating you like some inferior species.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 24-Jun-13 13:19:30

What GetStuffed said. I feel really angry with your arse of a husband angry

diddl Mon 24-Jun-13 13:27:50

So, you've got a toddler & a newborn & you organised your own party-with MIL-whilst the "men folk" went drinking?

Jeez-where to even start with that??

phantomhairpuller Mon 24-Jun-13 20:10:40

And just like that, he's snapped out of it. Came home, apologised for everything. Admitted he'd been a c**t (his words not mine), cooked tea and is generally doing everything he can to keep me sweet.

He did see his mother earlier so am wondering if she is behind his sudden change of heart.

The jury is still out on this one

quietbatperson Mon 24-Jun-13 21:01:59

Do you think he was worried about the hospital appointment?

I would be concerned about the snapping out of it after getting you to dance to his tune for 2 days tbh. I would have sent DH to his mother's on the Sunday until he grew up and behaved like an adult I want to spend time with.

GetStuffezd Mon 24-Jun-13 22:52:47

Ah well, alls well that ends well. Until next time. And the next. And the next.
Please please please ask him what prompted this horrible treatment rather than just feeling relief that your punishment is over. I'm shit at wording things, but this is wrong!

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid Mon 24-Jun-13 23:11:01

Oh dear, that is a sorry tale. [Sad]. I am glad he has seen some sense and apologised. Maybe you can have a proper chat with him later in the week.
Hope things go ok.

McGeeDiNozzo Tue 25-Jun-13 06:27:58

I'm glad he's apologised - especially since you have been very accommodating, to be frank. If I went to the pub and got pissed watching sport on my DW's birthday I'd be rent limb from limb by specially-commissioned giant cockroaches. And rightly so.

Blimey what a s* birthday op, poor you, your dh & your fil acted like selfish childlike morons. Celebrate your birthday today or tomorrow, leave dh with baby & get booked into a lovely spa or go out with friends.
Don't give him an option just gogrin

ApocalypseThen Tue 25-Jun-13 07:07:48

I just can't come to terms with the idea that he got drunk enough to pass out in a house where there are children. That should never happen.

grumpyinthemorning Tue 25-Jun-13 18:19:20

McGee, giant cockroaches? grin

What a twat. If he does it again, tell him to bugger off til he feels like behaving like an adult. You don't have to put up with this.

Sorry about your birthday. Come down to the pub, I'll treat you to a drink or ten grin

OctopusPete8 Tue 25-Jun-13 18:22:53

I'd say something, I'd be pissed off.

I'd be subsequently waking DP up and going for a lie down.

Flobbadobs Tue 25-Jun-13 19:12:18

You are way too kind. My DH would have had a choice of arseholes to use if he behaved like this.
I bet his Mum has had a go at him.

So what is his explanation for being a cunt? I don't think it's good enough to just say 'I was a cunt' and expect you to say 'ok no problem as long as you know'
Why did he treat you like that?

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