Aibu to be livid with Dh? (Toxic ils)

(35 Posts)

Found a bargain today, and although i am nervous about being pregnant (mc feb) i have bitten the bullet and bought a very nice pram of a lady on fb, it was such a bargain i had to have it. As we don't own a car i sent dh off to collect it & gave him money for a taxi expecting him to come home in a taxi obviously.

Anyway not many people know of my pregnancy as of yet except a select few, i'm only 12wks.
Instead of getting a taxi, my dh got fil to pick him up with it, not only does fil not know i'm pregnant but i don't want the ils to know for quite sometime and we are relatively non contact due to their narcisstic behaviours aswell many other reasons.

When dh got back i said i saw fil, apparently he still knows nothing (cant see how that's true when it was a complete set with carrycot). Now ils i suspect will be talking and their tongues will be wagging at the prospect of the long awaited grandson that so far they don't have being that each & every pregnancy so far on mine & sils side has only so far bought them grandgirls-each pregnancy has bought with it harrassment until the day of the sexing scan. This time i don't want them to know until they actual notice and me being overweight was hoping never lol.

So many incidences have happened with ils, too much to put in this thread but we have a long list, including hate towards my eldest dd from a previous relationship, telling her that she has eyes like her real father & that she looks like a chinese boy, fil insisting my dc went to naps with him in his bed when we used to visit, a mothersday showdown where fil assuming mil hadn't been bought a gift shouted, swore & spat that he didn't give a f* if he ever saw his gc again, mil insults dh on numerous occasions, mil puts & buys her other gc 1st, pils took us to a wedding and took dh out for hours leaving me & dc alone in hotel room in middle of no-where, i found out last year fil beat dh as a child.

Alot more has happened than above but i thought dh was more in control of them now as we are mostly non contact and he doesn't put too much pressure on me to see ils anymore but im upset instead of getting the taxi today he has got in fils car knowing how much i wanted this pregnancy to be secret from pils for aslong as possible. Dh has even been a twit and left one of the bits in fils car by mistake so i have to deal with fil at my door tomorrow. I don't want that man anywhere near my home and i'm so angry.
Aibu to be angry dh didn't get a taxi as asked?

Nanny0gg Sat 22-Jun-13 18:21:29

I'd be furious.
What's his reasoning?

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 18:23:08

YABU really, yes.

If he wants to tell his parents that he's expecting a child, he should be allowed to.

Especially as a 'select few' already know.

Imagine if you were going to be a grandparent and your son or daughter kept it from you, even though others knew?

There wasn't any & tbf i cannot see why he couldn't have got a cab confused
Haven't said too much yet, but i'm livid.
The only reason i haven't ranted is because i made him stick it all in loft !

tungthai Sat 22-Jun-13 18:25:50

I think he wanted them to know and this was his way of ensuring they do.

Yes worra in an ideal world yes, i wouldn't have an objection but these are not run of the mill doting gps, infact they are far from it and the problems that will come with them knowing are not good.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 22-Jun-13 18:27:42

YANBU and yes, I would be beyond livid.

Worra - I often wonder if you are reading a different thread to me. If you act like they have and beat your children, you have no rights.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 18:28:02

Yes but they're going to find out sooner or later and if they find out they were the last to know, that's likely to cause much worse problems.

Your DH wanted his parents to know, so obviously you and he have your wires crossed about this.

HeySoulSister Sat 22-Jun-13 18:28:41

but you rarely have contact anyway,so cant see how you are going to have 'problems'

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 18:28:58

Chipping you're missing the important point here

And that is that the OP's DH has the right to tell his parents if he wants to.

Infact they put my sil through so much she gave birth prematurely & pils were more pissef off with the fact their grandchild wasn't a boy than worried for my nieces health.
Mils words were "oh great another girl, couldnt it have been a boy" & "its ugly like it's father"

MortifiedAdams Sat 22-Jun-13 18:30:13

YABU at wanting to keep this from the ILs as DH is expecting a baby too, and they are his parents. Remove all.of the narcassistic shit from the equation where this is concerned - they are his parents and he chooses to have them be part of his life, therefpre it is unreasonable that you get to be the one who decides when his parents find out. I have to ask - would you be happy if he insisted that you didnt tell your folks?

In relation to all of the nasty things they say and do, again, YABU. If anyone dared call my child names like they have done to yours or been odd enough to nap with my children when I dont eve share a bed or found out that they have form for beating shildren then I would never ever let my children near them again or indeed still have them be a part of my life. So therefore YABU for still having a relationship with them,

HeySoulSister Sat 22-Jun-13 18:31:33

oh come on!!! how can you blame a prem birth on the in laws??

Good question soul, problems even with next to no contact, mil is coming around next sat for her very rare visit & they will phone and harrass dh for details & information and going on my previous dcs births expect from the get go they are to be at our home for when baby arrives along with atleast 1 or 2 of my nieces for when we arrive in from hospital.

LilacPeony Sat 22-Jun-13 18:33:54

Are you not telling them because you had a post 12 week mc last time and are worried or because you don't think they deserve to know as much as the people you have told?

MissStrawberry Sat 22-Jun-13 18:34:30

I think you are fighting the wrong argument here.

WTF are you doing allowing your daughter to sleep in the bed with your FIL?

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 18:35:48

A mother phones her son and asks for information on the baby and that's harassment?

Look, they sound like awful people to be honest so I can understand why you don't like them.

But your DH obviously likes them enough to want to keep them in his life. Therefore it's only natural that he wants to tell them about the baby.

Surely you can understand that?

That is one of the reasons lilac, because if i was to mc again they would be nasty about it.
Wish they were nice people, but they are not.
Fil is not allowed any contact with my dc anymore but i allow mil for the sake of dh to see the children rarely.

Nanny0gg Sat 22-Jun-13 18:37:05

I must admit I don't understand why you have any contact with them at all.

I didn't ever allow fil to sleep with my dc, but he would insist they did by asking each time we went to their home. But i said no every time.
The dc are not allowed in ils home for the above reason

Have you posted about them previously? I think the mothers day story rings a bell and if so I can understand why you wouldn't want them anywhere near and would at least want to minimize the amount of time they knew and would be on your back for!

hippohugger Sat 22-Jun-13 19:15:54

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk with DH to manage the in-laws during this pregnancy. Like not telling them when/where you are giving birth, not giving out gender information, not allowing visits unless you both agree... YANBU but don't be angry at DH. They are his parents and its not easy to live with the realisation that they're horrible people.

TheRealFellatio Sat 22-Jun-13 19:23:56

I think the problem here is that you seem to have decided that you are 'mainly non-contact' with your ILs, but I am not sure your DH feels quite the same way. I think you are angry because you want him to cut all ties with his parents and he won't. But you can't make him.

sweetestcup Sat 22-Jun-13 19:43:27

I agree with fellatio and worra, otherwise why would your DH go his fathers? confused

I wouldn't say dh 'likes' them, i definetly think he loves them even after all they have put him through. But then most tolerate their parents & love their parents regardless of wrong doing & although i am understanding and allow certain visits etc-when it comes to my dc, even unborn through the years i have realised my dc don't have to tolerate or be around their behaviour unless for a very rare visit with mil.
I cannot be dealing with the stress they bring and the madness they create, i suppose unless i put all my previous threads on here it would be hard for most to understand.

And although im livid i haven't let dh know as such as after all atleast he collected my pram and i have realised i shouldn't let them get to me in future as dh has enough on his plate in regards to them than i ever will.

ENormaSnob Sat 22-Jun-13 21:00:44

This is the least of your problems imo.

sweetestcup Sat 22-Jun-13 23:20:50

Why havent you said anything to your DH? This gets more confusing, how is he meant to know how yo feel if you don't communicate.

ManifestoMT Sun 23-Jun-13 07:04:55

I remember your earlier threads

Your dh probably didn't think this through. You need to vent get rid of the anger here and then sit down with dh and explain how buying pram and getting fil to pick it up is not the way to do it.

Go over the ground rules with your dh about your pregnancy and dcs again calmly and tell him the reasons why. Lead him through it so be makes the connections.
You need to talk to him though don't bottle it up.
Good luck

Thanyou Manifesto, i think your right i need to talk to him calmy and go through the ground rules again as i think he may be slipping.
Mil is coming round next week, the second rare visit this year so i need to sort this out before then.
Also i don't want dh thinking that the visit is extended to fil-It never will be.

Thing is no matter how calm i am, my dh has a habit to get defensive & withdrawn as he probably feels like piggy in the middle at times.

I have put my foot down before and in the end everything worked out well, me & dc had 10 months of zero contact (dh didn't & don't expect him too). But i have made my bed by agreeing to contact with mil again & that there was probably the start of the problems. The gap inbetween the 2 visits is nearly 2 months, but i think twice a year is enough for me & dcs.

I think i just need to stop thinking about this after our talk as i don't need this during pregnancy & stressing myself out over this isn't wise. I just have to remember the important wise words of people on the stately homes thread, don't let them in if i don't want to, i can change my mind on visits if i want etc

CatsRule Sun 23-Jun-13 08:05:24

The ont thing that struck me when reading your posts was that your dh's family have been horrible.to him yet he will ask his Dad for help in the form of a lift.

My inlaws are toxic too...dh has been on the verge of cutting them off so many times yet while he wont ask them for help he still seems to go back for a kicking every time....why do they do that....open the door for more abuse?!

I'm not excusing your dh but maybe, like my dh, he was never brought up with the strength to stand up tp them amd keeps crawling back. Although, since my ds was born my dh for the first time stood up to their bullying...it did cause fireworks but the only other alternative was to be bullied amd I wasn't about to let that happen to me.

Not.sure what I'm trying to say op...I.don't know why people from abusive families keep going back.

I'm sorry for your situation...you could do without the stress!

Thankyou Cats, that is my thinking too, it must be a deep rooted thing of wanting to be accepted & loved but unfortunetly the reality is very different and i don't think dh will ever be accepted or treated well and like you say they go back time & time again, probably with the thought things will turn out well and go back blindly when people like me, outsiders see it from outside in and know in no uncertain terms nothing will change.
Bad people don't become good people, but he will always go back for more and unfortunetly i cannot do nothing but watch the events unfold.

CatsRule Sun 23-Jun-13 09:21:21

He will eventually see it. My dh does see it now but it doesn't stop him going back yet.

Like you say it's deep rooted...that's what I was trying to say! He is getting stronger and your dh will too. He loves his parents but doesn't like the people they are...it must be confusing and I expect your dh feels similar.

My dh once said to me that he loves his family and wants the best for them but doesn't want to know them. It has taken him years to be this objective about things but occassionally he goes back to get the same treatment...each time he is one step closer to realising they will never change.

Once his mum even told him she would never change for him...I can understand his need for acceptance.

It has taken him years to come to this but it was when we had ds that he really saw just how manipulative they were.

I hope you get the opportunity to speak to your dh...maybe would be best to approach it another way other that being annoyed...which I totally understand why you are and I would be too. I've found different ways to get things across to dh other than going straight for what actually annoyed me if you see what I mean.

For example in the past with one occassion instead of saying I'm annoyed at blah blah usual crap they do...I said ok how are you going to deal with xyz in the future...it was then that things dawned on him about that particular situation. Not sure if that's helpful...hope it works out for you though as you need to think of your dd and baby.

I'm even more livid now, after having a calm word with him it turns out he paid fil £10 for the lift yesterdayconfused, when the taxi would have only cost £6 if thatconfused. Fgs so now he is also throwing our money away aswell!
When i questioned him on this, he said his dad does loads for us!-omg i was speechless and when i asked if it is definetely just mil coming next week, he said he assumes soconfused

Great we are back to this again, completely at the wrong time!
I'm pregnant dh is redundant, he is throwing money at fil aswell as not setting boundries. I don't think i can do this againsad

Dh has gone round the shop as i said i'm hungry as we don't have much in, and he moaned about wasting money on foodhmm, yet he can give his own father a tenner for a lift.
On the way out i said i will not allow that man back into me & dcs life-i did say it in the nicest way possible but he has now stormed off in a huff.

I just feel like crying, my dh is a completely different person when he has seen fil and i'm always the bad guy. Fil dropped off the part to the pram that was left in car boot this morning and my 2yo was at door with dh and he stood there talking for 10mins when he knows i don't want fil near our dc, in the end i had to usher her away!! He also bought food here from allotment & dh is all like, oh isn't fil lovely bla bla...

CatsRule Sun 23-Jun-13 16:48:34

I personally don't get families taking money for lifts...I never would but that's only my opinion.

Not sure what advice I can give but just wanted you to know you're not alone...that rage feeling is horrible, it consumes you and isn't good for you especially right now.

My dh is slightly better now, certainly protective with ds and I after first hand seeing the manipulative behaviour from his family towards us but they still have the power to ruin things, put him in a depressive style mood etc. I can only think they have that power because of his want to be accepted like his sister and her husband is. He is much better than he was amf I really hope for your sake and your dc that he opens his eyes to it all.

I love my dh but I do think it's wise to choose your inlaws first....hindsight is wonderful!! I think that unless you have had or have truly vile inlaws you may have a level of understanding but not fully of that rage that consumes you...it does with me anyway!

Hope you're ok op.

Thankyou catsrule, i have finally calmed down now. Just realised i shouldn't be wasting my precious time worrying, because at the end of the day i'm in control and i need to remember that, so them knowing or finding out won't allow them untold access back into me & dcs lifes.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now