Is she being unreasonable making this request of my husband?

(204 Posts)
Souredstones Fri 21-Jun-13 21:53:43

Husband has a female friend who is a complete drama queen, and tbh I find it tiring and so limit my contact with her. Tonight he gets a call from her, clearly about something major, and with the request 'you're the only person I've told, please don't tell anyone, not even Souredstones about it'

Now my automatic inclination whenever anyone says 'you're the only person who knows this don't tell ANYONE' is to call 'bullshitting liar' but I think it's even worse to expect a husband to keep something from his wife. I don't want to know what micro drama is affecting her life, I have no interest in it, I just have issue with her asking my husband to keep a secret from me.

I also take umbridge with him keeping said secret.

Aibu or is she?

TeamEdward Fri 21-Jun-13 21:56:22

YANBU. DH & I don't keep secrets like this. We rely on trust, and that doesn't involve secret keeping (especially where a "close" friend is involved)

WafflyVersatile Fri 21-Jun-13 21:59:32

She's not asking your husband to keep a secret from you. It's not his secret. She has confided in a friend and asked him to keep that confidentiality.

mynewpassion Fri 21-Jun-13 22:00:41

If it doesn't affect me, us, or our family either directly or indirectly, then I would keep a secret from my partner if a male or female asks me to.

valiumredhead Fri 21-Jun-13 22:02:42

Dh and I don't keep secrets from each other but equally neither of us discuss certain things especially if our friends have asked us not too say anything.

I think you're being a wee bit noseywink

throwinshapes Fri 21-Jun-13 22:03:11

Drama queen or nay, you wouldn't have a problem with a male friend of his keeping a personal problem from you.
Therefore YABU.

Fakebook Fri 21-Jun-13 22:10:20

That's a bit rude and strange. I don't normally share secrets with people but when I do, I tell them fully knowing that they will tell their partners/dh's. I would never make that kind of request.

Floggingmolly Fri 21-Jun-13 22:11:40

Agree, Fakebook.

Gingerandcocoa Fri 21-Jun-13 22:13:08

I really want to know what the secret is now... <feeling nosey>

JackNoneReacher Fri 21-Jun-13 22:17:52

Tend to agree with fakebook.

If it was one off I would let it go. If if this is the latest in a string of dramatic secret telling/keeping then she is out of line.

Likewise I wouldn't ask my husband to break the confidence of a friend. But wouldn't expect him to regularly be concealing things from me.

josephinebruce Fri 21-Jun-13 22:19:58

Surely she would realise that the first person a husband/wife would tell is the other half!!! Daft bint.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 21-Jun-13 22:23:10

She is way out of line!

You don't tell someone to keep secrets from their husband or wife! Rude woman.

WafflyVersatile Fri 21-Jun-13 22:24:50

So let me get this straight, as soon as any of my friends have a steady boyfriend it's inconsiderate of me to expect them not to blab about my private business?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 21-Jun-13 22:26:19

She is out of line asking him to keep a secret from you & he should tell her that. His loyalty is misplaced.

pictish Fri 21-Jun-13 22:26:45

She just sounds a childish twat tbh. I'd dismiss it out of hand as a bunch of arse, and let them get on with it.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 21-Jun-13 22:27:35

Steady boyfriend is not the same as Husband.

HTH

skislope Fri 21-Jun-13 22:28:20

WafflyVersatile this would appear what is expected!! :-/

WafflyVersatile Fri 21-Jun-13 22:28:45

So when does it start? Just so's I know.

skislope Fri 21-Jun-13 22:31:55

I'm married but I have single friends who would not appreciate me divulging their personal affairs...yes we've all done it to boyfriends/husbands etc in the past...but is it ok to do that?

WidowWadman Fri 21-Jun-13 22:32:55

I'm with waffly Marriage doesn't make two individuals into one person, so she's not unreasonable to expect that OP's husband doesn't tell his wife stuff she told him in confidence. In a way I think he already betrayed her trust by telling OP that he was asked to keep confidential stuff, confidential.

Thurlow Fri 21-Jun-13 22:33:03

She sounds like she is a drama queen. But if someone tells you something in secret, why on earth is your DH/DW supposedly exempt from that?!

Samu2 Fri 21-Jun-13 22:33:50

I tell my husband everything, friends know this when they share anything with me.

Correction, I don't tell him everything because that would be boring and pointless , but I can't promise not to share something with him, especially if the secret is big and would also play on my mind.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 21-Jun-13 22:34:47

Yabu its not his secret to tell.

When you get married you don't cease to be a person in your own right

tanukiton Fri 21-Jun-13 22:38:50

Why do you know ? I think your husband is stirring.. I tend not to tell others private matters to my husband as I don,t think he would be that interested. If I was stuck about helping someone I might. I don,t really see them as secrets as such just private. Next time he/she does this tell him to tell her that your not that interested also rise above your husband and his 'I got a secret and I,m not going to tell you nar nar nar'

Thurlow Fri 21-Jun-13 22:39:40

That's rather unfair, samu. One thing to want to share everything in your life, but not to share everything in someone else's life. How do your friends know you tell him everything?

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 22:46:59

Personally I think yabu. If I am told something on confidence I don't go running and telling my dp and I wouldn't expect him to come and tell me either. Trust is very important to us both and I don't believe it is right to breech a trust placed in you by anyone

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Fri 21-Jun-13 22:51:01

I wouldn't necessarily share something a friend had told me in confidence, but nor would I make a big deal of saying that I'd been told not to say. It's a bit "I have a seeeeecret".

Are you sure your partner isn't enjoying the drama a bit. Living vicariously?

JackNoneReacher Fri 21-Jun-13 22:51:02

Yes I was wondering that tanu how do you know? Is he also a drama queen? Did he put the phone down and immediately say "I've got a massive juicy secret and I can't possibly tell you, nothing will make me say..."

lessonsintightropes Fri 21-Jun-13 22:53:40

Souredstones, I think it's complicated by the fact you overheard part of the conversation. If you hadn't, he could keep her confidence without upsetting you (and I do think it's okay to have friendships outside of marriage) - but it's not at all unreasonable to be upset by her making a drama out of it and telling him he must not tell you. If in your shoes, I would amuse myself and tell him all the most outrageous things it could possibly be (got scabies; got drunk and vommed on her boss's shoes; some other slightly schadenfreude thing) and make him laugh about it. But then I might be a bit mean... Don't stress about it, she sounds like a nightmare and will probably be gone from your life in due course.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Fri 21-Jun-13 23:47:07

I think the key thing is whether she gave your DH the choice tbh.

Did she tell him the secret then tell him not to tell you, which is really not on and in that case he'd be within his rights to take out billboard advertising if he wanted?

Or did she say she wanted to tell him something but before she did, she would have to ask him not to share it with anyone even you?

The second scenario is ok because it gives him the choice to say no - I don't want to hear it under those circumstances.

It's important to have mutually agreed boundaries if you are a married couple. I think opposite sex friendships are fine as long as both of the married couple are happy around those agreed appropriate boundaries. They need discussion.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 21-Jun-13 23:50:54

Yabu sorry but get a grip.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 21-Jun-13 23:51:10

I think she is creating intimacy between her and your DH and that would jar with me.

It's probably a boring secret, but it's the deliberate secrecy between the two of them that would put me on my guard. From her, not your DH.

Mia4 Fri 21-Jun-13 23:58:00

She sounds like she's possible done it in a dramatic way so could be being unreasonable but i think the implication of no secrets or confidences of friends at all is not pleasant for me personally.

There are some confidences you shouldn't break, however my friends who've asked me not to break a confidence have said 'please don't tell anyone else' and given me a choice before divulging, which I've accepted.

MagicHouse Sat 22-Jun-13 00:03:07

I would be annoyed with both of them. I think that he should trust you enough to share whatever it is with you, or else be able to tell this woman that he doesn't keep secrets from you.... or.... simply not tell you there is a secret to keep.

sarahtigh Sat 22-Jun-13 00:11:17

it depends: to tell someone a secret that is stressful and then demand that they keep secret and not share the difficulties of it. not a trivial thing but something that would worry you and then not allow you to share your deep worries with your DH is not really on,

for example a close friend saying they had a terminal illness and for some reason to not want me to tell Dh but I am really worried about them and Dh asks what is bothering me and I can't say ... that type of secret keeping is not fair on the recipient especially if they are told first and then told not to say anything

on the other hand a friend asking me not to tell DH about some teenage fling 10 years before she met her DH is absolutely fine

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 00:15:49

Waffley

When you've reached the point in a relationship where the way he (for example) eats mints makes you want to stab him violently with a sharpened weasel, but you wouldn't actually leave him over it.

That is the point in a long term relationship when you can start to share others secrets as a couple grin

BackforGood Sat 22-Jun-13 00:20:13

YABU
Like tanukiton - my first thought is "How do you know this?" Is your dh so indiscreet as to come rushing to tell you something a friend has asked him not to tell anyone ? hmm Not much of a friend.

I will often have confidential information from work that I wouldn't tell dh. I will occasionally know things about people or situations that I have been told in confidence by a friend, and I wouldn't tell dh them either, without checking first if it's OK to. It's called keeping a confidence. It's all about being trusted. Most adults can do it, fortunately.

WafflyVersatile Sat 22-Jun-13 00:30:56

I'm not interested in where you are in your relationship.

I'm interested in my friend not betraying my confidence just because she thinks her balding, lard-arsed, ball scratching DH is the best thing since sliced bread. I may not agree. I might think her husband is an oaf not a loaf.

I haven't told someone a "secret" since I was about 14. I'm sure I've spoken to friends about things I'd rather they kept to themselves and I imagine that was clear from the topic and my reaction. Do grown women really do this?

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 07:22:35

Waffley

My post was tongue in cheek, I thought.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 07:27:17

Hang on- so are people saying that if you have a friend who is in a long term relationship, you would expect anything you told them to automatically shared with their partner? Reqlly???? That's awful!!!!!!!!

PoppyAmex Sat 22-Jun-13 07:32:40

Waffly, you asked at what point should you expect it, Honey Dragon kindly and pretty accurately answered.

Failing to see who's the fat bald lard ass though, but if that's the way you speak about your friends' partners I'd say you have deeper issues to solve within your friendships.

wigglesrock Sat 22-Jun-13 07:36:31

YABU, I've been married for 15 years, there are loads of other people's "secrets" I've never told him. From pregnancies, job losses, miscarriages. I'm really surprised that most people would automatically think it's ok to tell their partner.

My mum has told me things, she'd be really hurt if she knew I told my husband and she's known him for 20 years.

I have a "secret" not as mysterious as it sounds it's really private, only my parents and husband know. I'd be so angry if I told a friend in complete confidence and then found out they felt that didn't include their partner.

Lovelygoldboots Sat 22-Jun-13 07:37:15

I think with the secret thing yabu, but you are better off not knowing. If you did know, it wouldnt change the fact that you find her annoying. Ignorance is bliss in this case. smile

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 07:39:54

Absolutely! I actually find it quite shocking that people think it's OK- even normal- to break confidences like this.

Duckegg80 Sat 22-Jun-13 07:53:36

My friend has recently confided in me about something very personal to her that she doesn't want anyone else (apart from her own husband) to know. As she is a very private person in general it is unusual for her to open up in this way. It's not my 'secret' to share, does not impact on my relationship with my husband in any way, so I have, as promised not said a word about it.

It's playing on my mind a bit because I am concerned for her, but this in no way would justify me betraying her confidence. I don't feel I have to tell my husband everything, particularly when it has nothing to do with us as a couple and I don't understand the 'we tell each other everything' notion. We didn't become one person when we married.

bragmatic Sat 22-Jun-13 07:54:10

My husband isn't privy to things my friends tell me in confidence. I think my friends keep my secrets, too. The thing is, none of us are drama queens who seem to jump from crisis to crisis and engage in "please don't tell anyone about my latest drama!!!!!" conversations on a regular basis. I'd find that pretty exasperating.

I find drama queens a bit hard to take seriously, and as a result they probably shouldn't confide in me because stuff that is normally a big deal to them seems either trivial, or blown out of all proportion to me.

Yankeedoodlenic Sat 22-Jun-13 07:58:04

I must say I won't help clear this up for Soured as there seems to be two distinct point of views here! But if I tell a married friend something personal or private I do sort of assume there is a chance she will share it with DH. I always thought that was just a general assumption. I do tend to tell my DH any juicy gossip I get - that way I can get it off my chest & not tell someone I shouldn't! Because if people say they don't get the urge to spread juicy gossip I think they might be fibbing! wink

Anyway Soured I think it sounds like the whole thing is a bit of a wind up. If she didn't want anyone to know - she shouldn't of told anyone & that has always been my philosophy about secrets. I think you have a right to be a bit upset but at the same time it probably isn't worth causing stress over. So I'd say - try & let this one go. If it keeps happening then maybe you need to sit down & explain to your DH about why it makes you upset! Just getting angry or insisting he tell you probably won't help the situ!

MusicalEndorphins Sat 22-Jun-13 07:58:36

I agree with what WafflyVersatile said.
She's not asking your husband to keep a secret from you. It's not his secret. She has confided in a friend and asked him to keep that confidentiality.

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 07:58:40

Yup wasn't meant to upset.

I think secrets are something you have to be careful with. And you have to accept that people view their own relationships differently.

In the ops case, I might be pissed off if my dh was this woman's only point of contact for her secret and dramas. Which may lead to my tolerance waning. Particularly on a Friday night when I want to relax with my family.

Both my dh work in environments where we have to sign non disclosure agreements, so I guess not telling each other stuff is a non issue.

Aside from the morality of this issue, I am a little cynical though that the friend didn't call at a time when she knew she could have a private conversation, if it was that serious a conversation to have.

TheYamiOfYawn Sat 22-Jun-13 08:03:28

Me, too. I've kept all sorts of confidences from friends. I don't think that my friends would be too impressed if I turned to my DP and told him that I really ought to tell him that X was raped, Y hasn't been able to have pain-free sex since giving birth and is having trouble with her marriage as a result, Z had an abortion and so on.

I have been expected to keep information confidential at work, and as far as I am concerned the same thing applies to confidences told in the context of a close friendship or family relationship.

I find the idea that anyone in a committed relationship is incapable of keeping confidential information to themselves pretty disturbing, actually. Maybe I should ditch all my married friends and only share private information with trustworthy single women. I certainly don't want my friends' husbands knowing about some of the things I've told them.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 08:10:15

And thinking of a friend's confidence as "juicy gossip" is just beyond ick....

Inertia Sat 22-Jun-13 08:21:35

I think it needs to be seen as somebody respecting their friend's need for confidentiality, rather than a husband keeping secrets from his wife. If it was his secret, and he chose to discuss it with her rather than coming to you, that would be a much bigger concern. I'd also start getting annoyed if he was repeatedly being asked to rescue her from any resultant dramas; if they started building secrets around their relationship, or your marriage, then that could signify the start of an affair.

I would be tempted to be ultra- reasonable and unconcerned about your H keeping this confidence, just so he keeps you filled in with the bigger picture. If you think the friend is a threat to your marriage, that's a separate -and bigger - issue.

TheSecondComing Sat 22-Jun-13 08:27:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fakebook Sat 22-Jun-13 08:28:38

It's not the fact her DH is not telling her a secret, I'm sure my DH has failed to mention his friends problems to me, and me likewise. It's the fact that this woman specifically told him not to tell his wife.

How many of your friends have singled out your partner and said "don't tell him"? If you trust your friend that much it's kind of a given they won't tell anyne at all. The times my friends have told things, they never ask me to not tell my DH. Sometimes I may mention something to him, sometimes I won't.

The woman sounds childish and stupid.

tumbletumble Sat 22-Jun-13 08:29:25

I think she WBU to use the phrase 'please don't tell anyone, not even Sourstones'. To me that sounds deliberately provocative, as if she was imagining the conversation that would take place between you and your DH after he put the phone down and was enjoying the idea of you getting annoyed. Some confidences do need to be kept even from your partner, but this woman sounds like she likes causing trouble.

tumbletumble Sat 22-Jun-13 08:30:12

X post with Fakebook

Roshbegosh Sat 22-Jun-13 08:32:06

You and DH could just agree in future not to keep secrets from each other. He would then have to let his friend know.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 08:32:38

"How many of your friends have singled out your partner and said "don't tell him"?

Well, frankly, I never have before, but after reading this thread I sure as hell will in the future.

imademarion Sat 22-Jun-13 08:33:03

I think 'drama queen' is key.

Not fair to give your DH a role in her little soap that means his loyalties are conflicted.

Real secrets are imparted with absolute discretion and subtlety.

IMO if you trust the recipient with your secret, you do not insult them by naming people who may or may not be privy to it.

Once you've told it, it's no longer a 'secret' but a shared confidence.

And rather sad that this lady has nobody else in the WHOLE WORLD to confide in but somebody else's husband.

Little fishy to me.

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 08:37:07

I'm in the keeping confidentiality camp. That bits easy.

I think in this case the ops issues with her dh are clouding her judgement, so she's trying to sway it as a moral standpoint with her dh and the sanctity of marriage. Rather than just accepting that this person is s bit of a twatty drama llama.

If the friend has a genuine confidence she needs to share, the op should respect that and be pleased with her FGS integrity.

If the friends only motivation is to cause disharmony. Than the friends got what she wanted. The op could still respect her dhs integrity, not focus on the secret. But perhaps have a conversation about how this friends dramas are invading the relationship and affecting the op too.

FancyPuffin Sat 22-Jun-13 08:40:55

*I have no interest in it, I just have issue with her asking my husband to keep a secret from me.

I also take umbridge with him keeping said secret.*

Why do husbands and wives have to share secrets confused

If it not about you and doesn't impact you in anyway, why would it automatically be your business by virtue of being married?

I'm genuinely baffled by this, I couldn't give a teeny tiny rats arse if someone shared something in confidence with my dh and he didn't then share it with me. Unless it was something like 'PuffinsDH can you hide your penis in me'.

TheSecondComing Sat 22-Jun-13 09:08:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Souredstones Sat 22-Jun-13 09:16:41

Thanks for the comments I thought this would divide opinion.

A few clarifying points about it; I was in the room and caught the end of the conversation, dh scribbled me a note and rolled his eyes saying who it was on the phone.

After the call I asked if she's ok, hope the kids are well and so is her husband etc and that's when dh said that she had told him this, whatever it was, and that she had specifically asked him to keep it 'secret' as no one knows about it other than her and him and he wasn't to tell even me.

It's all drama llama bollocks. It's not the content if the conversation that's bothered me its the manner of the asking to keep it secret that's annoyed me. I respect confidences and expect him to keep a friends confidence without having to be asked. It's the double whammy of him being asked like a child to 'keep a secret' coupled with the keeping a secret from me that's wound me up.

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 09:20:25

It sounds like she irritates both of you. Can he not cool the friendship?

waikikamookau Sat 22-Jun-13 09:20:54

I would be wound up too. it is like she is creating this deal between the two of them, not on

waikikamookau Sat 22-Jun-13 09:22:41

although when I tell my best friend stuff I hadn't thought aobut whether she tells her dh. otoh, I don't always tell my dh stuff she tells me, but I don't consider them secrets. just not of his interest.
does he normally tell you what she says?
do the pair of you gossip about her?

Souredstones Sat 22-Jun-13 09:24:46

We don't gossip about her but we do keep each other informed about major events in friends and family's lives. With her specifically we mention the new incident (whatever it is at the time) roll our eyes and move on.

I've already cooled the friendship from my side I'm hoping he will start doing likewise. I will bring it up after he finishes work

whois Sat 22-Jun-13 09:25:43

I would be very upset if something I told my friend in confidence was passed onto their DP.

TheSecondComing Sat 22-Jun-13 09:27:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 09:37:28

Thurlow..

I don't tell him when my friends are having period/sex problems for example as he won't be interested and that's just gossip, but if someone tells me a secret I might want to talk it through with him as well.

I was once told something by a friend which was heartbreaking, it played on my mind and it was nice to go to my husband and share my feelings with him and talk through how I could help her more. So I can't promise not to tell my husband something, depending on the nature of the secret.

TheSecondComing Sat 22-Jun-13 09:40:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 09:42:17

Samu- you do tell your friend this before they tell you anything, don't you?

Lovelygoldboots Sat 22-Jun-13 09:45:00

Sometimes carrying a secret can be a heavy burden. It can make sense to tell your DH. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. And talking about a mutual friend with your DH is hardly gossiping.

Mia4 Sat 22-Jun-13 09:46:18

StealthPolarBear , yes some do because some things in confidence are in confidence. That doesn't change with age, terrible things can still happen to people and they want to share with their friends but only their friends.

My friend confessed to me, after two decades of keeping it quiet, some terrible things that happened to her as a child. I plan to keep these terrible things to the grave, and help her through the counselling.

My DP doesn't ask what her secret is, he knows she's divulged confidence in me and I told him I won't break it, but he trusts me enough to know that i don't take confidences light so (rightly) guesses it' something personal and awful.

Thurlow Sat 22-Jun-13 09:50:27

I don't think that something playing on your mind trumps a friend telling you something in confidence.

Scruffey Sat 22-Jun-13 09:52:52

Yanbu. I don't tell people stuff that I am not happy for them to tell their spouse. People who outright request others do not tell their spouse have no business doing so. The marriage comes first and a third party creating secrets is not helpful.

livinginwonderland Sat 22-Jun-13 09:56:15

If my friends tell me something in confidence, I don't go and tell DP hmm - it's not my secret or business to tell. It really surprises me that people will blab all their friends secrets to their partners!

Boomba Sat 22-Jun-13 10:04:19

Your dh is not a friend to her. If he is rolling his eyes and scribbling notes whilst she is trying to have a conversation with him about something which is important to her.

If he finds her so trivial/irritating/laughable it doesn't make sense that he is so loyal and insistent on keeping her secret from you

I deduce that your dh is an arsehole

Thurlow Sat 22-Jun-13 10:05:31

Scruffey confused

I have friends I have known a hell of a lot longer than DP. I love him and our relationship is obviously incredibly important to me, but so are my friendships. I didn't stop being their friend just because I got with DP.

Also, does this not count if you're not actually married

Boomba Sat 22-Jun-13 10:12:41

And what about single people? If the 'secret' is too hard to bear, can they tell their best friend?

Thurlow Sat 22-Jun-13 10:13:08

Actually, I'm going to rephrase what I said because I can't stop thinking about it it's a slow morning here. I think it is awful that people tell their DH/DP's other people's secrets. How long do you need to be with someone before you can tell them these things? Is there a magic cut-off point where you decide to share secrets with them? Do the marriage vows now say "I promise to love, honour and cherish you, and also to tell you things my friends tell me in confidence."

Why on earth does being in a long-term relationship mean that you can become, effectively, a shitter friend than you were before?

(OP, back to your point, it sounds like neither of you like her so you are both being incredibly rude)

lottiegarbanzo Sat 22-Jun-13 10:16:52

You either trust your DH or you don't.

It's her secret, not his and none of your business.

Lazyjaney Sat 22-Jun-13 10:22:14

She has her own DH? IMO then the secret's content is almost irrelevant, this friend is playing games, the only question now is what game.

motherinferior Sat 22-Jun-13 10:27:26

I think a 'friend' who automatically thinks my privacy can be breached by telling her partner is not a friend.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 22-Jun-13 10:43:46

Your DH had the option to say 'no, I won't accept that condition so don't tell me your secret', making clear that he's not in the habit of sharing confidences with you but is not comfortable with the childish divisiveness of making him promise (if that's how he sees it). It's up to him.

WafflyVersatile Sat 22-Jun-13 11:02:02

If this woman is a drama queen then i'm sure she must be a bit of a PITA and it maybe that she enjoys the thought of winding people up but that doesn't change the general principle. But what she said could simply be interpreted as her knowing that spouses talk about what is going on their friends lives to each other and in this instance she doesn't even want him to tell the OP. I'd probably roll my eyes too.

It's very rare that my friends say 'you must not tell anyone' (we understand that friends talk about each others' lives to other friends) but if they did I would try to keep that confidence. And if they didn't I would use my own discretion. But telling me makes it part of my life too and it might be that this confidence worries me or weighs on me. And I don't think it is fair to burden someone then expect them to keep it solely to themselves and possibly cause them stress or worry. In these instances I tend to talk to people who don't know the friend. Maybe it would be a partner if they don't know each other or if I know my partner would be discreet, sympathetic or in possession of good advice, but certainly not if I know my friend wouldn't want him to know. He might be my soulmate and my go to person with my worries etc but that doesn't mean he's that to my friends too. They may not even like him. She may know full well that he has little patience for her anxieties over her relationships etc.

I've never considered 'I tell my husband everything' to mean she tells her husband my everything!

Lovelygoldboots Sat 22-Jun-13 11:02:23

If you have told someone the secret is not secret. I hate these mind games such as what the op is experiencing. She effectively told the secret on the phone in her own home to her dh was there. I think I know when to talk and when not, especially if it was affecting your relationship.

Lovelygoldboots Sat 22-Jun-13 11:03:47

While her dh was there, if that makes any more sense.

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 11:10:59

Curlow, my friends know me well enough to know that I might tell my husband, yes.

Mind you, I don't have friends who would ask me to keep big secrets from my husband, either.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 11:19:09

But why could it possibly be damaging to a marriage to keep somebody else's secret? I just don't understand!

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 11:27:28

I don't think it is damaging to a marriage to keep a secret, I agree with you there.

I don't think it is fair for someone to burden someone with a really massive secret and then ask them not to share it with their husband/wife.

If someone tells me they are dying of cancer and ask me to keep it a secret I do think that would be unfair on me. I am human too and keeping a massive confidence like that would weigh on me and it would be obvious to my husband that something is wrong and I just couldn't imagine not being able to turn to him for comfort and think it's unfair to be asked not to.

Of course most secrets are probably not that serious but that is one example of a secret that I couldn't promise to keep from him.

It isn't about thinking it is damaging, but if I am burdened by a secret he is the first person and the only person I would go to. I also know that it would go no further so I don't see any harm in turning to him.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 11:30:50

I am so glad that more people have emerged who understand what keeping a confidence" means. And who don't think of a friend's confidences as "juicy gossip". sad

Inertia Sat 22-Jun-13 11:32:05

I'm beginning to think that the divulging of secrets is a bit of a red herring here. It sounds as though the friend may be looking for reasons to drive a wedge between OP and her husband.

Based on the apparently not-wholly-sympathetic response of OP's husband, in future he might be better off in future saying that he isn't comfortable with keeping secrets, and it would be better for her to confide in her own husband, or another friend .

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 11:35:31

Juicy gossip?

I certainly wouldn't go to my husband with something just to gossip. My friends aren't gossip fodder.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 11:36:14

YANBU

I would be miffed to be asked to keep a secret from my DH because I think to ask this is often done to manipulate and form an unhealthy bond. IN the past if someone has asked me to do this I've said - don't tell me then because I don't keep secrets from my DH

I think I'm capable of judging when it's not necessary to tell my DH something, but it has rarely arisen

Baabaapinksheep Sat 22-Jun-13 11:36:33

What about people who don't have a dh/dp? Can they then tell a friend/family member if the secret is too much to bear on their own? And can that person then tell their dh/dp? This is how confidences get broken and gossip starts.

How is telling your dh/dp any different to telling anyone else that you are close to?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 11:37:09

Samu

I agree.

I don't gossip with my DH, I gain support or advice.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 11:37:17

That's what somebody down the thread said. Horrid.

A confidence is a confidence. It might be hard to keep- but tough. Has to be done.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 11:37:39

Baabaa

I trust my DH in a way I don't trust anyone else

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 11:38:57

"I don't gossip with my DH, I gain support or advice."

But doing this without the consent of the person whose secret it is is breaking a confidence. Telling your dp is no different from telling anyone else.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 11:39:18

I also agree with Scruffey

I don't tell people things I wouldn't be happy for them to tell their spouse

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 11:41:17

curlew

It's hard to explain. I don't automatically tell me DH everything someone tells me, but I would resent being told not to.

It's the modern day equivalent of them standing in a corner whispering and pointing at you.
Childish and rude IMO.

chloesaidfred Sat 22-Jun-13 11:43:03

What does he get from this friendship? What kind of man has a drama queen female friend who says things like that?
I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 11:44:44

I don't not have their consent. They know I would share it with him if I needed to. They have the choice not to tell me.

I also assume that if I share a secret with a friend they might tell their partner if it was weighing on them.

I just assumed that is what people do in marriages, they share things that are bothering them and therefore, if I tell someone a big heavy secret I assume they may go to their husband for advice as well.

chloesaidfred Sat 22-Jun-13 11:45:20

Also, unless you are generally unreasonable an tiresome,OP, your husband should really recognise that this bothers you and put your needs above his friends needs (male or female) and tell you the "secret" to put your mind at ease.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 11:46:32

Samu

Agree again

Mimishimi Sat 22-Jun-13 11:47:26

Not sure. I guess there could be situations where you would want to confide something to a married friend whilst asking them not to tell their spouse.

Mimishimi Sat 22-Jun-13 11:48:22

But I wouldn't them to tell their spouse "I've got a secret I can't tell you" either!!

motherinferior Sat 22-Jun-13 11:53:47

If my friend told me she was dying of cancer and asked me to keep this secret no I bloody well would NOT go and tell DP. Frankly she would be going through rather more than me, and my need for 'comfort' would not mean I refused to do something for my dying friend (keeping her confidence). I think that's a really revolting thing even to contemplate shock

Hmm. What's the history of your H's friendship with this woman? I see two possible scenarios here.
ONe is that your H quite likes keeping you on your toes by having intimate friendships with other women and sort of playing you off against each other ie he pretends to think she is a mad drama queen but, when he's with her, he probably tells her that you are a boring unemotional housewife.

The other is that you are unsympathetic, monogamy-obsessed and controlling, so you do not want your H to have any female friends, and he has to pretend to find his oldest, closest pal ridiculous in order to be allowed to talk to her at all.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 11:59:49

mother

I think I'd ask her why? Then I'd discuss it.

I can't really imagine that happening, TBH, but obviously I'm not completely insensitive!!

The reason I feel strongly about it is because the time it was asked of me was definitely to invite me into an intimacy and separate me from someone else. I think the OP's situation (especially the friendship with someone of the opposite sex), has echoes of that.

MissStrawberry Sat 22-Jun-13 12:01:08

Sounds to me she is creating drama where there isn't any and trying to make something of the relationship she has with your DH in to something else.

TSSDNCOP Sat 22-Jun-13 12:08:37

She sounds a total drama llama. DH's eye rolling suggests he's bored of it too.

Generally if I am asked to keep a secret I will. I have recently kept a secret from DH, because to tell would cause a conflict of interest.

I don't think it's wrong to keep a secret from DH, and I would respect the confidentiality of the teller if requested. But it's silly and childish to say "don't tell Soured" when you know a conversation has taken place.

edam Sat 22-Jun-13 12:16:06

I'm OK with keeping a friend's real secret from dh if it's a serious request and matter and I'd be OK with dh doing the same. In fact I have when my friend started IVF in difficult circs.

BUT OP's dh's friend sounds like an-ex friend of dh's who was a drama llama and demanded loads of attention for various crises - including when I was very heavily pregnant and she rang up and claimed to be suicidal (had been through so many crises with her by then I knew it was all attention-seeking). I was very pissed off about that one and made it clear to dh, who realised she'd gone too far. He has kept his distance ever since, although meets up with her and her baby and our ds about once a year.

SoupDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 12:19:31

If you are unable to keep a secret as requested, you are a blabber mouth and shouldn't be trusted with anyone's confidences.

These confidences are not your secret to tell.

cory Sat 22-Jun-13 12:36:04

Agree with Solid that it is very difficult to know exactly what is going on here: we don't know you, we don't know your husband, we don't know the friend. We don't know whether he is deliberately teasing you with "other person told me all this information which I'm not to tell you, ner ner ner" or whether he cannot have a quiet conversation with a friend without being pestered with "what did she say, what did she say, what did she say" or whether it is the friend who said "and don't forget to tell your wife she can't know this secret ner ner ner". Or quite possibly none of these.

But I do feel confused by the number of posters who think it is wrong and disloyal to expect somebody to keep a secret from their husband.

So if you confided in a close friend about something personal and intimate, would you feel she was being disloyal if she didn't skip straight off and tell her husband. Have to admit that never occurred to me. So if they don't discuss the state of my vaginal wall with their other halves, this is driving some kind of wedge into their relationship.

Surely lots of wives are in professions where you have to keep confidential information to yourself even if it is worrying and upsetting?

Boomba Sat 22-Jun-13 12:46:05

The point isnt that you trust your dh/dp's more than anyone in the world. Your friend confusing in you, doesn't have that relationship with your husband/partner. They trust you

I find this aspect of coupledom, wholly pathetic and self-absorbed

Boomba Sat 22-Jun-13 12:49:29

confiding obviously!

What if you confided in a friend, if you were having a problem with your husband...could your friend go and tell him?

amazingmumof6 Sat 22-Jun-13 12:55:00

YADNBU

she is out of order

Fakebook Sat 22-Jun-13 13:19:56

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 08:32:38

Well, frankly, I never have before, but after reading this thread I sure as hell will in the future.

If its that big a secret then you should just keep it to yourself then. I'd be quite offended if someone told me not to tell my DH something. It's rude and if anyone said that to me I'd tell them not to tell me, because I don't know when I might mention something in passing to him and then realise I was sworn to secrecy. You always have a choice not to share info, otherwise make friends with single men and women.

Mia4 Sat 22-Jun-13 13:30:10

Fakebook, so if your friend wanted to confide in you something deeply hurtful or painful from her past, something she actually couldn't tell others you'd say 'keep it to yourself, I'd have to tell my DP?' And you'd be offended if she just wanted to trust you with it? You really couldn't be there for her in that respect, support her through what the confidence is without sharing it onwards?

I'm just interested in knowing because i see it as a serious breach of trust to tell my partner if someone's asked me to keep it private. IF i found a friend doing this then the trust would automatically be gone. I'd expect her to tell me upfront she wasn't happy sharing secret but i'd think less of her as a friend if she couldn't keep an important confidence.

OP have to be honest, she may well be being a drama queen but your DPs attitude to it sounds like he's also being a bit of one. He should tell her straight if she's sounding dramatic to him not eye roll and then irritate you by adding to the drama with 'she swore me not to tell'. Honestly, they both sound immature and the 'secret' doesn't sound too personal, though possibly your DP could just be being a bad friend so who knows. But if it was a personal secret then he should have just said to you 'sorry X is going through some stuff, hopefully it will sort itself out' and left it at that. Hasn't divulged anything, hasn't made it out to be a big deal and if you wanted more then that would be just wanting gossip more than anything else.

Fakebook Sat 22-Jun-13 13:43:29

Mia4, if my friend was a very close friend, who had known me for a long time, she'd know that I do share things with my DH. Therefore, as a good friend, she would tell me her secret knowing full well I may or may not tell my husband. It's not a breach of trust when the person knows you and your relationship with your DH. Infact I've had two friends who have told me personal family issues they have and they have said to me that they don't mind me telling DH because they know he won't tell anyone.

Obviously personal problems to do with sex and health I would never share with DH, but other things I might.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 22-Jun-13 13:44:24

OP, I think there are two slightly separate things going on: one is that you clearly don't like this woman, and resent her friendship with your DH. This means that you are bound to view what she says and does with suspicion. Secondly, you seem to be in the "I tell my DH everything" camp, which means that the request for DH not to tell you something jars with you even more.

FWIW, DH and I don't tell each other everything, and I would never betray a friend's confidence unless there was real harm likely to arise as a result of me not sharing the information with someone. I would be mortified if I thought that all my conversations with my girl friends were being automatically relayed back to their DHs.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 22-Jun-13 13:45:47

Why are sex and health issues different from other issues, Fakebook?

ENormaSnob Sat 22-Jun-13 13:50:27

I dont tell dh my friends secrets, but nor do I say, x told me a secret but I cant tell you.

Cos that would just be weird.

Fakebook Sat 22-Jun-13 13:53:35

Because I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to DH about those issues and he wouldn't be comfortable either.

My dh is better at understanding family or financial problems.

It's a lot different when you know what your DH/dw is good at giving advice about.

Mia4 Sat 22-Jun-13 13:59:12

I agree it's not a breach of trust if they know upfront Fakebook but personally, I couldn't consider someone who couldn't hold my trust when I needed to to be that great a friend because I'd feel they can't support me when I need them. But each to their own. I suppose it depends on the confidence shared, there are certain friends I don't trust with knowing intimate details about themselves because they can't resist sharing with DPs or otherwise.

I found that out when one told her DP 'in confidence' what she'd been told 'in confidence' from a mutual friend of ours. Her DP then told his best friend 'in confidence' and he had to share with his DP, who tld me as gossip. The poor woman had suffered a miscarriage and hadn't wanted anyone else to know but by the end of it thanks to her friend, her DP sharing and both their big mouths, it went around everyone that she'd had one, that it wasn't the first and the circumstances. It was then to left to myself and another good friend to tell her this person had breached her trust and not to trust again. It also became very clear who cannot be trusted.

pinkballetflats Sat 22-Jun-13 14:01:53

So long as that secret doesn't affect me or my family I couldn't care less. I certain don't expect the father of my child to walk in the door and tell me somethin a friend of his has told him in confidence - male or female.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 22-Jun-13 14:21:21

So, Fakebook, you would feel comfortable telling your DH that a good friend had told you about the fact she was so short of cash she was selling jewellery she had inherited from her mother, but her father would be mortified if he found out, say, but not that the same friend was also having problems with gallstones?

Each to their own...

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 14:32:53

This has become so dichtomised. There are many variables

I agree with Fakebook

I've been maried for nearly 20 years, so have most of my friends. We know each others husbands. I think most of us assume that a confidence would be shared with our husbands. BUT I don't tell my DH everything my friends tell me. He wouldn't be interested in most of it.

I'd be surprised by, but respect someone asking me to keep something from my DH. But it has only ever happened in circumstances where I think an attempt was being made to manipulate me.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 14:39:47

By confidence, I don't mean something that the person has explicitely told me not to tell anyone else. I mean an issue such as worries about their child, or a health scare, or about aged parents.

Loa Sat 22-Jun-13 14:41:54

* but I think it's even worse to expect a husband to keep something from his wife*

I think requiring a spouse to put a friendship above their relationship to their other half is bloody odd.

I think once you tell people information what they do with it is out of your hands and you have to trust their judgment.

If you want it kept confidential but they chose to tell their other half as long as long as you never know - then you can't stop them really.

I probably wouldn't tell my DH everything - but I might chose to discuss someone else problem with him - I expect and trust he will keep the whole matter confidential and I'm confident he knows he can expect the same from me.

I'm not going to keep someone else 'secrets' to the determent of my marriage.

I do think its unnecessary drama - and the DH has handled the situation badly - no one forced him to listen or agree to not tell.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 15:04:31

"I'm not going to keep someone else 'secrets' to the determent of my marriage."

But what possible impact could you keeping somebody else's confidence have on your marriage? I find this utterly baffling.

What would you all do if you discovered that your dp had been told something in confidence by a friend and he hadn't told you?

WafflyVersatile Sat 22-Jun-13 15:10:01

I'd never ask a friend to put our friendship above their marriage. And I wouldn't ask a friend to keep a secret that was detrimental to her marriage. If my secret was detrimental to their marriage then it's probably not just about 'my stuff'.

It of course depends what the secret is. If I've had a one night stand and failed to use a condom again and the guy never rang and I had to take the morning after pill like he said he would and I feel like an idiot then why would my friend go telling her husband when I've made it quite plain that I'd rather he didn't know something that has no effect on his life whatsoever.

If my secret is I've cheated on my partner who is my friend's DH's best mate then that is different. It would be unfair of me to ask or expect my friend to keep that from her husband.

I don't see how being married to someone gives you the right to know all about their friends' business.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 15:21:39

But people, are saying that asking half a couple to keep a confidence from the other half is intrinsically bad for the partnership.

Which is deeply, deeply creepy and weird.

WafflyVersatile Sat 22-Jun-13 15:37:06

I know. I don't really get that except as I've said up thread about if a friend told me something and it weighed on me and I needed to talk about for my own sake.

We all have to use our own judgement to a degree on what we pass on but I really don't get the blanket rule of all confidences being passed on.

Loa Sat 22-Jun-13 15:59:29

But what possible impact could you keeping somebody else's confidence have on your marriage? I find this utterly baffling.

Asking me to keep secrets from my DH but doing so in such a way that he knows I've been asked and its making him unhappy - then I'd tell him if he cared - chances are with my DH he wouldn't care - but why let someone else's issues or non issues cause unnecessarily drama between us.

Another example is if someone gave me to information about something that could adversely affect my DH but then told me not to tell him. I know someone who had this happen.

In both cases its someone asking you to value and your relationship to them over the relationship with your spouse.

Nagoo Sat 22-Jun-13 16:06:29

I know things DH doesn't.

They are not about him.

But if someone told me something on the phone like in the OP I'd shrug and look disinterested. I think the DH is more drama-llama-y than the female friend. hmm I wouldn't be going 'I know a secret and I'm not telling you'. That's ridiculous! You are not children!

Loa Sat 22-Jun-13 16:07:36

I really don't get the blanket rule of all confidences being passed on

I'm not saying I'd automatically tell my DH anything or that he'd be bothered either way - he trust me and my judgment.

However if he was unhappy about it as OP is - and she only is because other persons basically asked her DH in front of her not to tell her which is the only reason she's bothered - I'd tell or say a small amount so my spouse wasn't upset as my spouse is more important to me than any other relationship especially with a 'friend' like this.

I'd also be annoyed at 'friend' putting me in that position and discourage any further confidences.

motherinferior Sat 22-Jun-13 16:10:14

I suppose it also depends on how much your friends mean to you. I love and trust mine and we have a relationship that is separate from my relationship with my partner. If you've just fetishised that couple relationship above everything else I suppose the idea of confidences and trust isn't as important to you.

Thurlow Sat 22-Jun-13 16:10:15

curlew But people, are saying that asking half a couple to keep a confidence from the other half is intrinsically bad for the partnership. Which is deeply, deeply creepy and weird.

Exactly.

How do posters who say their friends know they would tell their DH know that their friend know this? Have they had a conversation that literally went "it doesn't matter what people tell me, I always tell DH"? Because if one of my friends had told me that, and I then had something to confide which I didn't want anyone else to know, I sure as hell wouldn't be telling that friend.

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 22-Jun-13 16:18:19

I keep confidences and don't share them with my DH because as others have said they're not my secrets.

But 2 things strike me, the fact that she sounds a very tricksy friend and why on earth your DH told you he was keeping the secret - I'd find that really annoying to be honest.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 22-Jun-13 16:23:48

The point is that if someone is going to ask you to keep a confidence, they should get your agreement to do so before spilling their guts so you can choose. Telling you something and then swearing you to secrecy is a bit of a hijacking - and bad friendship manners.

ShellyBoobs Sat 22-Jun-13 16:26:49

YABVU.

I'm staggered that so many people think it's totally normal and acceptable to betray someone's confidence by blabbing to their DH.

It's digusting actually.

Do so many women really cease to exist as an individual when they marry? No wonder people who really should LTB don't; they can't imagine a life not joined at the hip to someone.

My OH doesn't know about loads of things my friends have told me over the years. Why should he?

In the same way, I have no doubt that there's loads I don't know about his friends and their issues. I would hate for each of us to know everything the other has ever been told in confidence.

There's just no need at all, other than for sheer bloody-minded noseyness.

Thurlow Sat 22-Jun-13 16:38:03

Shelley, they are possibly the same sort of people who refer to themselves and their spouse as "two halves of one whole."

I actually had a friend say this to me - followed by the line "because that's what getting married does to you." <boak> Bearing in mind she had been with her DH for a total of 3 years, I had been with DP for 10...

motherinferior Sat 22-Jun-13 16:38:37

I know something about a mutual friend that DP doesn't. He doesn't know because I was sworn to secrecy. It has nothing to do with him but he'd be intrigued to know. There is no way I would dream of telling him . It's not my secret.

motherinferior Sat 22-Jun-13 16:39:49

And I also never told an ex some quite significant but private stuff about a mutual friend whom he'd known much much longer than I had.

WafflyVersatile Sat 22-Jun-13 16:44:03

If someone tells you a secret that it is unreasonable for you to keep then it's not really going to make a difference whether they try to secure your confidence before or after.

I've just killed your DP's mum. Don't tell him!
Um.

I've got a secret promise you won't tell?
Depends what is it?
Can't tell unless you promise.
ok I promise.
I've just killed your DP's mum.
Um.

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 16:49:00

Just because I would tell my husband a secret that is weighing on my mind doesn't mean I am not an individual or joined at the hip. Not true at all.

If someone tells me a secret and I feel the need to talk it through with my husband I will. My friends know me well enough to know this is the case.

However, I put this question to my husband and he disagreed with me grin said he would definitely honour his friends wishes and deal with any burden it may cause by himself. So we don't agree on this one.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 16:51:45

If somebody tells you a secret- unless it is something criminal or something- then you carry the burden- that's what friendship is about. Your dp is absolutely right.

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 16:53:04

ShellyBoobs

I don't think anyone here has said they tell their partners everything. I said it at the start then corrected myself but I haven't read where anyone has said they share every single thing with their partners.

I think those of us on the other side are simply saying that we can't promise not to share something because it totally depends on the nature of the secret. I doubt any of us run to our husbands to blab about our friends secret one night stand etc.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 16:56:08

So what sort of secret would you "share"?

motherinferior Sat 22-Jun-13 17:00:44

The point we are making is that it's not your decision to make. Privacy is privacy.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 17:04:15

I feel as if I'm on another planet.

And the "juicy gossip" comment from this morning is still ringing in my ears. I am soooooo glad I am sure enough of my friends to know that they won't either tell my confidences to their partners- either for "support and advice" or because it's too good a titbit to resist passing on........

Souredstones Sat 22-Jun-13 17:04:56

I'm pretty sure she did it to be as manipulative as possible.

If he couldn't keep a confidence I wouldn't have married him. As I said upthread it's the situation I don't like

waikikamookau Sat 22-Jun-13 17:22:39

i never forget I was in a pub with dh and a woman he had apparently been chatting to earlier came and whispered in his ear!

she did this intentionally, to make me feel bad, it was only about taking our son horseriding!
but it didn't look good.

I just think she is a mad bat, as does my dh.

chipmonkey Sat 22-Jun-13 17:23:56

I think that if you ask someone to keep a secret, then you are asking them to keep it from everyone, including their OH.
Having said that, if I tell one particular friend a secret, I know she will tell her dh and her three closest friends. I know this because when the same friends have confided in her, she has told me. There is something I would love to tell her but can't risk it.

waikikamookau Sat 22-Jun-13 17:24:02

but I am sure this secret is probably absolutely nothing but I do think your DH should have told you

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Jun-13 17:29:41

I also put this to my husband.

He said that

A) he can't remember the last time he told anyone a secret, and phrased it in those terms, or they told him a secret.
B) he can't ever remember anyone telling him something and telling him not to tell me
C) he wouldn't share anything a male friend told him with me unless he was worried about it
D) he'd feel distinctly odd if a female friend confided in him in that way

Most of our friends are joint friends anyway. We have all known each other a long time and know and trust each others husbands/ wives

I supect that if your friendships are different you may take a different viw on things.

ShellyBoobs Sat 22-Jun-13 17:31:10

...but I do think your DH should have told you

Why?

What purpose would it serve?

SsimTee Sat 22-Jun-13 18:36:18

I would never expect anybody to keep anything from their husband/partner if I confided in them. And I would hit the roof if a female friend confided in my husband and told him not to tell me. Many many years ago before I married my husband a female friend of his visited us and after asking to look around the house and going from room to room the two of them carried on chatting (i didn't go with them). When she heard my footsteps approaching though, she lowered her voice. Needless to say that was the end of my husband's friendship with her. I made sure of that

WafflyVersatile Sat 22-Jun-13 18:47:36

My guess is that this woman has sensed the OP distancing herself from her and what she would say if she was on this thread is that soured seems to have, well soured, towards her, so she doesn't really feel comfortable with her knowing about such a delicate subject as this terribly secret secret. Theoretically this is a fair point. But it would probably be better to choose another friend if possible.

It's complicated by the fact that it's the husband not the wife. There is more potential to see shit- stirring motives in that instance.

I'm sure whatever it is it is just as eye rolly to the OP and her DP as her previous dramas. The DP is in an awkward situation, just because she is a drama llama and just because it's probably not that interesting doesn't mean he should break her confidence of someone who is a friend regardless of her faults. But the OP knows there is a secret and she is not to know it which is of course irritating, even knowing she'd only roll her eyes as usual.

The only way I can see that doesn't involve major fall out is just to ignore it.

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 19:14:38

Curlew.. what kind of secret would I share?

It totally depends. If my best friend was suffering with cancer and the worry and sadness was playing on my mind I would tell him. Especially if I was helping her out with appointments and needed extra help with childcare etc.

If a friend was cheating and I was blinded by anger I might go to him for some advice on how to advise her or simply to just offload about how I feel about what she is doing.

If a secret affects me enough to make me want his support I will talk to him. Marriage is about having someone to go to when you need to offload and get support (amongst other things of course) so I am not going to not go to him, but I won't blab just for the sake of blabbing.

I don't have friends who would expect me to keep a big secret from him though either. It would be odd for me to be asked to keep something a secret from him.

I am not betraying friends, if they ask me to keep something a secret I won't promise to keep it a secret from my husband and then they can choose.

At this point I am just saying the same thing over and over.

I respect the other view totally and think it's even commendable but I won't promise to do the same.

Fakebook Sat 22-Jun-13 21:05:21

This thread just seems to be going around in circles with everyone repeating themselves over and again because some people don't seem to understand that married couples may or may not discuss their friends problems between themselves.

Curlew, countless times people have said that nothing is passed on to dh's and dw's as juicy gossip. I most certainly don't, because I don't thrive on other people's misfortune, especially friends. I don't even know who made that juicy gossip comment or where it is, but you seem to have latched on to it and don't want to understand in which circumstances a DH and DW may discuss their friend's problems.

I think it's a really strange thing for people to get worked up about, but like JamieandtheMagicTorch, my friends all know my DH and all of dh's friends know me and there is a level of trust that has been built over the years. So I agree completely with her; it depends on what kind of friendships you have.

cosydressinggown Sat 22-Jun-13 21:26:14

I think it's the asking that is rude. She asked him to keep something from you. Whether he is the kind of bloke or you are the kind of couple who do or do not keep secrets is up to you, but it is not for her to dictate that a man must keep a secret from his wife.

She sounds like a royal fucking pain, too.

chirpchirp Sat 22-Jun-13 21:29:30

This woman is a drama queen, it's one of the first things you say. All she is trying to do is drag you into her drama by creating ill feeling between you and your DH, causing tension.

I wouldn't run home and tell my DH a secret that a friend had told me but if he asked me directly what had been discussed I wouldn't lie to him either.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 22-Jun-13 21:34:39

Someone asked upthread about married people in professional jobs breaching confidentiality.

Unfortunatly yes some of them do in the last 5 years I've had to dismiss 7 staff members for doing it,and not one of them understood why it was wrong!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 22-Jun-13 21:47:23

I'm sure there were others but I agree with SoupDragon particularly. I don't understand why some adults find it impossible to support their friends who have asked for confidentiality. What is not to understand about that? It means, "Don't tell anybody else", it's between them and the friend they've told the secret too.

I wouldn't be friends with somebody who gave way so easily to their own selfish feelings of needing to blurt everything to their partner/husband/boyfriend.

This may be unfair but it seems that it's women who have the trouble of keeping their mouths shut. So disappointing. confused

For the OP though, it seems not so much to be about the 'secret' but a general annoyance with the person who has confided to her husband. He's free to speak with whomever he wants, you know. You don't have a monopoly on him by virtue of wedding ring or anything else. If the relationship with this woman is making your hackles stand up then maybe there's something to that and this is something to take some notice of.

WafflyVersatile Sat 22-Jun-13 21:54:32

I like how it's the friends who might want a bit of privacy who lack understanding, fakebook

Fakebook Sat 22-Jun-13 22:23:59

There's a really easy way to have a bit of privacy. That's keeping schtum. A good friend would understand her/his friend's relationship with their married partners and can choose to withhold information if they really don't want their partner to know. I don't understand why I have to keep repeating this.

Boomba Sat 22-Jun-13 22:34:47

But why do you tell your husband, your friends confidences fakebook?

There is no good reason to do it confused

frutilla Sat 22-Jun-13 22:38:11

YANBU. He should tell you. It sounds like she's deliberately trying to create an intimate "confidante" thing between them as a ploy. I don't like the sound of it, very manipulative...

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 22:41:43

Boomba I have explained and many others, why we may want to share a friends confidences.

Viviennemary Sat 22-Jun-13 22:42:34

YANBU. I would never stand for this best friend of the opposite sex business. Though I know many on here think it's perfectly acceptable I don't. This person sounds like trouble.

Boomba Sat 22-Jun-13 22:47:50

Yeah, I've read nothing that makes much sense samu....it just boils down to you being shit mates, it seems

justmyview Sat 22-Jun-13 22:48:20

Very surprised how many people think that "Keep this to yourself" means you can spill the beans to your DH / DP. I hope I haven't confided in you ............

ShellyBoobs Sun 23-Jun-13 00:12:04

Boomba I have explained and many others, why we may want to share a friends confidences.

What you mean is "may want to betray a friend's confidence".

And you can't have explained it, because it's inexplicable; not being able to resist gossiping with one's spouse about a friend's problems isn't a positive trait.

ShellyBoobs Sun 23-Jun-13 00:15:20

I would never stand for this best friend of the opposite sex business.

confused

Perhaps being controlling goes hand-in-hand with betraying friends' trust.

BOF Sun 23-Jun-13 00:31:49

I would absolutely keep a female friend's confidence, and have done. I don't just share stuff with my partner to gossip about if it's to the detriment of the person who has confided in me.

Equally, I know that anything I tell my partner will go no further, and if I'm spending all night on the phone or messaging the other person, I feel I owe him the courtesy of at least outlining the situation

It's a bit different though, I think, if the secret-teller is a dramallama of the opposite sex, and trying to draw you into some spurious circle of trust and drive a wedge.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 23-Jun-13 06:51:00

Shelly

Ftft

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 23-Jun-13 06:51:17

Or even rtft

curlew Sun 23-Jun-13 07:55:49

"Boomba I have explained and many others, why we may want to share a friends confidences."

I understand perfectly why you may want to.......but I cannot begin to understand why you would

Fakebook Sun 23-Jun-13 08:57:36

...it just boils down to you being shit mates, it seems

Why don't you let our friends be the judge of that? I've only been married 7 years and we have known each others friends for 10+ years. We haven't lost any family friends because of this in this time, and who knows, maybe it makes us better friends?

I will give you a personal example from a week ago, I told my friend a very sensitive piece of information about my dad's health. It's not something I'd share outside the family. She listened and went and asked advice from her long term partner as he is doing a phd in a similar field and knew the ins and outs of my dad's problem. She came back with sound advice and I was thankful to her. I'd never even thought of asking her partner as it slipped my mind what he did. Not only did she help me, she helped my siblings too about making a decision about something. Sometimes in these types of situations you may end up helping a friends immensely by sharing a problem.

You're just making pathetic goady comments trying to instigate a fight now and it's a pretty lame way of going about things.

You'll find that a lot of couples share information with one another and it's not something new. It's more common than you may think.

curlew Sun 23-Jun-13 09:02:07

fakebook- your friend should have asked you whether it was all right for her to consult her partner, or suggested that you did. Why didn't she do that?

motherinferior Sun 23-Jun-13 09:16:01

What happens when you get divorced and remarry? Can you tell your new DH the stuff your old DH told you?

Fakebook Sun 23-Jun-13 09:17:43

😒 Because if you read my first post on this thread, you will see that I always tell friends information knowing full well they may discuss it with their husbands/partners.

TheYamiOfYawn Sun 23-Jun-13 09:18:46

And can your ex tell all your secrets to his new wife?

Samu2 Sun 23-Jun-13 09:25:45

Boomba, you don't have to like the explanation but it has been explained.

I am not a shit mate in the slightest. I am a very good friend in fact.

I texted my best friend last night and asked her if she would expect me to share a secret of hers with my husband and she said that yes, she would, depending on what the secret is . So at least we are on the same page.

Anyway, my friends all have pretty undramatic lives where these situations don't really come up.

Curlew, perhaps she didn't think to ask her if she could share it with her partner because she knows Fakebook well enough to know that she wouldn't mind getting some advice from her partner. My friends know I wouldn't mind a secret being shared with their partners so why would they ask me?

Samu2 Sun 23-Jun-13 09:30:26

Motherinferior I was married before and I see no need to tell my 'new' husband any of my exes secrets. why? because that would be gossip and I don't gossip for the sake of gossiping. His secrets do not affect me, they do not weigh on my mind, I do not need or want my husbands advice on how to deal with them. So why would I share them?

I find it amazing how some of you can't grasp this. We don't share secrets to gossip, only when we feel the need to talk it through with our husbands and I have no reason to want to discuss my ex husbands secrets when they don't affect me any more in the slightest.

And if he shares any of my secrets with his wife? meh. I personally wouldn't care. But I love and trust her so....

MortifiedAdams Sun 23-Jun-13 09:43:10

I couldnt give two hoots if DH was told a secret from a friend, male or female.

My only issue would be DH going to them (male or female) for confidence instead of feelibg he could talk to me

Boomba Sun 23-Jun-13 09:51:51

samu have you chosen to overlook the part of your friends reply, where she says 'depending on what the secret was'?

Samu2 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:04:18

No. I have said all along that I would only talk to him depending on what the secret was. Meaning she would expect me to talk to him if I felt the need to discuss it with him but wouldn't expect me to tell him about her dodgy periods because that would just be gossiping.

I have known her most of my life, she knows me.

Boomba Sun 23-Jun-13 10:10:43

Ok, I have friends like that also. Because I would confide in their dps also.

I think we may be at cross purposes then

In the OP, the friend specifically asked for her confidence to be kept, and not betrayed. In those circumstances, you wouldn't tell tour dh then?

plieadianpony Sun 23-Jun-13 10:21:15

I'm not sure. It just sounds a bit tiring to me. With a DH who has had a dramary female friend I can only thing that the reason that she has asked him not to tell you about what is happening in her life is that she is embarrassed about what you might think of her?

ShellyBoobs Sun 23-Jun-13 12:03:56

JamieandtheMagicTorch - I've read the fucking thread, thanks.

Reading it any number of times wouldn't change the meaning of "I would never stand for this best friend of the opposite sex business."

It's not difficult to understand what that means.

Viviennemary Sun 23-Jun-13 12:14:29

I know that was a bit strong, but the trouble is that it leads to problems like this. And in any case why do you even have to know there is a secret to be kept. It's this we know something but we can't tell you, that's causing the problem. I agree with keeping confidences but I don't agree on relying on somebody else's DH to be your best friend, confidant and counsellor.

Miamiami Sun 23-Jun-13 12:30:12

OP this is bad, very bad. Your DH is just as bad as this drama queen, for coming off the phone and telling you he has to keep a secret from you confused- You see, this, is the crux of the problem
I find the whole thing extremely weird and absurd. You have a hell of a lot to mull over as regards your DH and his "friend"

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 23-Jun-13 13:35:41

Shelly

I apologise for swearing. But it's hard to see how you have reached the conclusion that we are talking about gossiping to our spuses, if you have read the whole thread

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 23-Jun-13 13:35:54

Spouses

Miamiami Sun 23-Jun-13 14:57:08

I also wonder what dramaqueens DH makes of all this? If he even knows anything of what is happening?

mrsjay Sun 23-Jun-13 14:59:58

IF my friend said to me please dont say anything why would I tell my husband it is confidential and my friends privacyconfused you sound a wee bitty jealous and nosy bet your are dying to know what it is wink

topsyandturvy Sun 23-Jun-13 15:38:35

errm, some responses here are crazy

of course your dh should keep a confidence if he has agreed to do so

no way should spouses be sharing other peoples private lives or secrets with one another, how bizarre to thing that two married people somehow merge into a single person and blab everyone's business to each other.

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