Aibu to not want to leave baby?

(54 Posts)
Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 15:48:51

I have a 7 week old dd(breastfeeding).I've been invited on a work night out.aibu to not want to go.Mil says I need to 'man up' and she never felt like this with any of hers.i have an older dd and remembering feeling the same way when she was a baby.Am I overly anxious or is this normal?

Completely normal. And it will still be normal if you don't want to leave your baby in a month, a year, two years.

Your MIL is an idiot if she imagines that every woman on the planet shares the same emotions in the same situations. Just because she didn't feel like you do, does not mean you are wrong!

You've been invited on a fun night out. You don't think it will be fun because you've got someone you'd rather be with. So don't go.

Firsttimemummy33 Fri 21-Jun-13 15:52:36

I wouldn't have left my seven week old baby to go on a night out but know lots of mums who would. It's up to you and YANBU.

PicaK Fri 21-Jun-13 15:53:39

yanbu

LastTangoInDevonshire Fri 21-Jun-13 15:53:59

Well, I would have left mine. Each unto his own and all that.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 21-Jun-13 15:54:51

It's entirely up to you. We left a three week old with my parents to go to a NY Eve party, but I accept that would not be everyone's choice!

AmberSocks Fri 21-Jun-13 15:55:44

i think 7 weeks old is too young to be left.

mumbaisapphire Fri 21-Jun-13 15:56:41

You have to be comfortable with your decision. I have a 6 week old and am already fantasizing about a night out which tells me I'm ready. If you don't feel ready then don't go. See how you feel when the next one comes along, because there will be another opportunity.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 21-Jun-13 15:56:42

What, even with the baby's father????

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 21-Jun-13 15:56:57

YANBU.

She is being unreasonable in the extreme, however.

Telling a breast-feeding mother of a 7 week old to 'man up' is incredibly stupid. The phrase alone reflects what an imposed idea this is.

She just wants your actions to justify what she felt and did with her babies. Don't be controlled and manipulated by her opinion. Simply ignore it.

GlitterFingers Fri 21-Jun-13 15:57:31

If you don't want to leave her don't. I wouldn't and if I did I would of had to express every hour or so otherwise I would of leaked smile

There's no right or wrong age to go out for the first time.

There is however, a right time for you

If that is 7 weeks, 7 months, whatever it is, that ok.

ChunkyPickle Fri 21-Jun-13 15:59:27

I'd be fine leaving the baby with his dad for a few hours (although at 7 weeks, BF, I'd feel sorry for him - because I doubt it would be pleasant), but at that point, if I was having an evening away from baby I'm pretty sure I'd have spent it in the bath and then bed, not hanging out with work colleagues.

Do what you want. Anyone who has a go can take a long walk off a short pier

elQuintoConyo Fri 21-Jun-13 15:59:41

Trust your instincts. It sounds like you don't want to go, so stuff what Mil says - man up? Really? What a cold bitch! sorry
And stuff the people having the night out, those with kids will understand.

Enjoy your 7-week old thanks

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 21-Jun-13 15:59:58

YANBU

And there is nothing that dictates you must attend every social event you're invited to anyway.

Why is your MIL involved in the discussion?

Lambzig Fri 21-Jun-13 16:02:19

I wouldn't have wanted to with either of my babies. It isn't a case of manning up, it's just what you want right now. Nothing wrong with that.

DS is seven months old and I have had one night out when he was about four months. I prefer to be at home with him and DD right now.

Ashoething Fri 21-Jun-13 16:02:52

I wouldnt have left mine at 7 weeks.However I do believe parents need nights off.My friend wont leave her 2 and half year old because he screams.I think that is precious to the extreme!

runningonwillpower Fri 21-Jun-13 16:04:51

'Why is your MIL involved in the discussion?'

My very first thought.

I've been invited on a work night out and I don't want to go even though my DS is 26. Whether I go or not is no-one's business but my own.

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:05:36

Thanks for the replies.No, dp works away all week so it would be mil minding dd.I'm exhausted and would have to bring my pump.I need to stop worrying what mil thinks

bigkidsdidit Fri 21-Jun-13 16:05:55

I wouldn't either, didn't leave him till 5 months ish and I didn't enjoy that at all. But it's entirely up to you. Why is your MIL involved confused

As an aside I hate 'man up' - as if you have to become a man to be brave hmm so I'd tell her to sod off for that alone!

mamapants Fri 21-Jun-13 16:06:53

Do what you feel comfortable with.
I think I went out with my colleagues for a meal when my DS was about this age. But they came to the village where I live so that I was only down the road. They arranged to be there at 7 so I could come immediately after putting him down and he never woke before 11 then anyway different story now however so I knew he wouldn't wake.
It felt weird but it was nice to see everyone.

LadyInDisguise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:07:40

Well I don't think I am particularly anxious and I have left my dcs very early on with DH, parents etc...

However, I wouldn't have left for a party in the evening wo being sure that my bfing dc wouldn't wake up and need me for a feed. And at 7 weeks, it's miles too early to be sure of that.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 21-Jun-13 16:08:04

Yes stop worrying about pleasing your MIL! You and your baby are waaaaaaay more important here!

Just smile firmly and say you won't be going this time. You don't even have to explain.

AmberSocks Fri 21-Jun-13 16:09:11

hmm not sure really.I wouldnt of left mine at 7 weeks even with dh,not because i dont trust him,just because there is plenty of time for night out,7 weeks is such a short time,you are still bonding,they are still pretty much newborns.

MothershipG Fri 21-Jun-13 16:09:20

I need to stop worrying what mil thinks

^This!!!

No way would I have enjoyed or wanted to go out when either of mine were that age, or for ages afterwards. But why does your MIL care anyway? What's it to her? confused

runes Fri 21-Jun-13 16:09:28

Would your mil by any chance be first in the queue to volunteer her babysitting services? Do not leave your baby unless you want to. 'Man up' what utter balls.

AmberSocks Fri 21-Jun-13 16:10:41

if i wanted to go out for a meal or something id just take the baby with me.you cant always do it but if i was desperate to see my friends id rather do that,they only feed and sleep at that age anyway,at least mind did anyway.

DrMcDreamysWife Fri 21-Jun-13 16:10:48

You are Not being unreasonable. No way I would have left my dd at 7 weeks. She's nine months and I still haven't left her in the evening!! A couple of hours in the day and never with the MIL as she's obviously quite a different mother to me. She thinks breastfeeding is disgusting.

However there's also nothing wrong with leaving a baby for a few hours with someone you trust. If you feel comfortable to do so and go and have fun. I just wouldn't have found it fun or comfortable leaving her at that age.

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:11:38

Mil is too involved in every decision as far as I'm concerned.She looks after dd1 while I work.Lives v close by.Is fantastic with dd but I find it a bit stifling sometimes.

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:13:39

And yes runes she would.If I told her I was going back to work tomorrow she'd be thrilled!

miffybun73 Fri 21-Jun-13 16:15:13

YANBU, I wouldn't have left mine.

trackies Fri 21-Jun-13 16:18:48

you are normal. Ignore your MIL. Nothing to do with her.

Norem Fri 21-Jun-13 16:19:14

Op if you don't want to go don't go smile
None of mine would have been left at that age because they fed all evening.
Don't worry a jot about what anyone else thinks .

runes Fri 21-Jun-13 16:24:20

At 7 weeks the last thing I wanted was a night out. Ds2 is 6 months now and i still don't want to leave him smile Does your baby even take a bottle? I ebf both of mine, never bothered even trying to get ds2 to take a bottle, briefly tried with ds 1 but he wasn't having it, and tbh I couldn't be arsed expressing so I didn't really mind. What are your mil's views on bf? If she is already telling you to man up and leave your baby at 7 weeks, I foresee issues if you continue to bf to 6 months and beyond.

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:26:36

I doubt anyone else cares tbh.I've just started to realise how involved she has become in all decisions.we are not sure yet if dd will start school in sept as she is quite young-every time I have spoken to her in the past few weeks( probably a few times a week)she questions me about it and expresses her opinion it

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:26:59

On it

FruminousBandersnatch Fri 21-Jun-13 16:28:22

I would've (and have) done it but it's down to choice which is what your MIL isn't getting.

As someone else said, why is she even involved in this? Do you get to dictate when she goes out?

FruminousBandersnatch Fri 21-Jun-13 16:29:58

"she questions me about it and expresses her opinion it"

To which you say "that's nice. Ooh, look at that dog!"

Squitten Fri 21-Jun-13 16:31:00

When I was BF DS2 he would also take a bottle for us so I thought great, I can leave him with DH and go out. I had not calculated how bloody engorged and sore my boobs would get and how often I had to pump out to be comfortable. It was a monumental faff - and this was far beyond 7wks!

DC3 is due in Oct and I basically won't be going anywhere without baby until s/he's weaning off me. There is one exception to that, which is a ticketed event I wouldn't miss for the world, but that's one evening.

Stop discussing everything with your MIL then she can't give an opinion!

runes Fri 21-Jun-13 16:32:16

Don't let her bully you. It's great to have family help when you want/need it, but things like feeding and when to leave your baby are up to you. Anyone putting pressure on needs to back off. Good luck, I've a feeling you might need it. If you need support to stand your ground come on here.

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:33:21

Runes, maybe she doesn't understand as she didn't bf hers.bf dd1 for a year.went back to work when she was 8 months and found it v hard.Mil looked after her and is brilliant with her.I suffered from depression when I went back to work -despite trying to ' man up'!!

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:38:34

Yes I think I will runes.None of my friends have children yet so it's great to have the opinions of those that have been there.Herself and dp are very close...

DehydratingManiac Fri 21-Jun-13 16:43:57

She is telling you what you 'should' do with your 7 week old baby? I'm afraid she doesn't get a say. Of course it's merely that she wants to babysit. Not that you should be remotely concerned about smoothing waters or placating her, but if she's keen on one on one time with her grandchild, could you offer to let her come and look after the baby while you have a bath or some sleep instead? It's a fine flipping line and in reality she should be the one bending over backwards to fit round you and your decisions but unfortunately, family is tricky and keeping things amicable is one exhaustion avoided. Obviously if it's becoming a problem then it needs tackling and actually, by your dh I think.

And I disagree with the poster who said not wanting to leave a crying 2yo is precious. Again, that person's choice. I didn't leave dd until she was 3yrs old. Right for us.

neunundneunzigluftballons Fri 21-Jun-13 16:44:44

bring her along and then we can get a second thread about it grin only joking but I found it difficult to leave my ds that early too because he was bf and all the kerfuffle involved in leaving him meant it was easier just to go to places that were happy to have him too like visiting friends and family.

runes Fri 21-Jun-13 16:44:46

In fairness to her most people don't really get it with bf, I certainly didn't have a clue til I did it myself, but once you explain that it's not always as simple as just leaving some expressed milk she should accept your decisions and be supportive. If she keeps pushing you to do things her way then you may need to take quite a firm stance with her.

DehydratingManiac Fri 21-Jun-13 16:46:12

Is she trying to help? Does she know you were depressed and think maybe that getting out there sooner might somehow help? Likewise, with your eldest going to school, does she think it might make things easier? Trying to establish if she's being well meaning about this? And getting it wrong obviously but intent is everything.

DuelingFanjo Fri 21-Jun-13 16:48:58

It sounds to me like she is trying to use the situation to gain control. You don't have to go out if you don't want to. In fact if you don't then I think you have every right to just tel MIL you are not going and so you won't need her help with the babysitting thanks very much.

runes Fri 21-Jun-13 16:49:46

I know hardly anyone else who bfs in real life but there are loads of us on mnet grin. Luckily my family have all been great, in laws included, but I know unsupportive family/friends can make it hard to bf for as long as you would like to. As I said though, lots of support on here if needed.

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:54:21

Our families are quite different I suppose.dh's family love a good 'heated debate' about everything and anything and will always voice their opinions on everything.My family on the other hand are quite sensitive!

Theironfistofarkus Fri 21-Jun-13 16:57:06

I have to work so have had to leave each of my DC during the day from 7 months. As a result I rarely feel a desire to go out without them in the evenings and youngest is 2 now -- they wake from time to time and it often takes a long time to get them to sleep. MIL desperate to have them over to hers or babysit etc. I don't want to do it and that is my prerogative as a Mum. It might not be what everyone wants but I value the very precious and very limited time I have with them. Do what makes you happy. Ignore MIL.

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 16:57:49

Dehydrating manic-I would think she probably is well meaning but I can't always tell

babybythesea Fri 21-Jun-13 16:58:13

My DD2 is 9 weeks and I haven't left her yet either. And won't be, for a while. It really isn't a hardship - I quite enjoy my baby! I did plan to pop out without her to the shops when my mum was staying but then couldn't quite bring myself to leave her, so I didn't!
She has no predictable routine though, and when she's awake she grazes rather than having one big feed, so if I was to leave her I have no way of telling in advance how much milk she'd want - I very much doubt I could express enough to keep her going for an entire evening as she feeds a LOT!
I left DD1 at four months. Way too early for me, but I had to go back to work. I expressed but couldn't express enough and she had to be topped up with formula. This brought an end to breastfeeding - I tried to keep it going but she seemed to prefer the formula and quite suddenly one night refused to bf.

Stick to your guns - if it's right for you, it's right.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 21-Jun-13 17:05:37

This is, unfortunately, what generally happens when grandparents do a lot of the childcare and DP/DH's are still too firmly attached to the apron strings. You can't really blame them, I don't suppose you ever feel your kids are grown up enough to make these decisions themselves grin and feel free to give them the 'benefit' of your wisdom.

You either need to change your childcare arrangements, or just accept that by using her for childminding she gets more involved with your day to day life than you'd like. Personally, I'd rather pay for childcare outside the family myself.

However, all decisions are YOURS to make - whatever feels right for you.

If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, don't. Frankly, I'd say it would be fair to say that 90% of Mums with 7 week old babies wouldn't want to leave them to go on a works do - unless it was something super exciting and even then.... I don't think many would want to leave them and if they did it would be for a bath & an early night - not going out!!

Drhamsterstortoise Fri 21-Jun-13 17:15:22

Yes chippingIn and whenever I get annoyed by a comment I do try and put myself in her position and work out the intent behind it.As I said, she is fantastic with dd and I wouldn't want to change that.They have a lovely relationship and I am very grateful for that.

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