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I generally don't know if IABU.

(56 Posts)
Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 11:27:40

I live with my parents (Long story) which is not by choice. We have had our problems however for a long time it has been pleasant being here but I need to know whether IABU with this particular problem.

DS is nearly 2 and I am 34 weeks PG, Today DS has been playing up not listening, tantrums and general toddler behaviour. He took something which he knows that he shouldn't ran away and wouldn't give it back to me. I took the item from him and told him no that he is not allowed said item and he started crying, at that point my F walks in from work and I tell him 'Don't lather DS with attention as he has been naughty' DS is still crying and follows F into the other room. I hear my F praising DS and playing with him. An argument broke out between me and my F as I explained to him that if he comes in after DS has been naughty and praises him and plays with him that he will always come to him (Its as if that's what he wants) F called me a jealous mother and said that I have problems. He told me that he will never be nasty to DS (I wasn't asking this, I was asking him to not praise DS and give him loads of attention as DS generally cries and I quietly talk to him about what he has done and then things are fine).

My F doesn't listen to how I want to raise DS and goes against my requests for when he is with him.

Who is BU?

wigglesrock Germany Fri 21-Jun-13 11:56:19

If your Dad wasn't even in the house when your child was being bold challenging smile then I don't think you can ask your Dad to withdraw from what he usually does with your son. You are asking your Dad to punish your son for something he wasn't a part of iyswim.

I would tell your Dad to catch himself on re the jealous mother bit.

I sympathise, my dd3 is 2.4 - we haven't had the easiest week morning.

PearlyWhites Fri 21-Jun-13 11:59:11

I think yabu because you are talking about a grandparent who didn't witness the incident. If it was your ds father I would think differently.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 21-Jun-13 12:06:56

YABU because you have created a situation where you are living with your parents when you have a child and another on the way. These things are inevitable when you live with other people and you have children.

YAalsoBU for wanting a grandparent to withdraw attention from a not even two year old when you have already told the child that he is not to take whatever it was.

To a one year old, having grandad ignore you because of something you have already been told off for isn't going to be very nice.

WorraLiberty England Fri 21-Jun-13 12:07:37

Yes I think YABU

I couldn't suddenly be cool with a 2yr old if i'm normally affectionate...because the 2yr old wouldn't understand why.

What you are asking your dad to do, is withdraw emotionally from your DS, for an incident that happened when he wasn't even there.

YABU.

Deal with the incident and do not allow it to effect any other praise/attention that your DS is given, in fact, never withdraw affection.

I would say that whilst your DS needs to be told off, all he did was normal toddler behaviour.

Bringmewineandcake Fri 21-Jun-13 12:09:42

Your dad was wrong to not follow your wishes, it was undermining. However you need to think if your wishes were reasonable? Your DS is under 2, you've told him no and that should be the end of it. I don't think you should have issued a ban on him having fun with someone else after being told off.
brew for you. Have a word with your dad and ask him not to undermine you, but also think about where to draw the line with punishing your DS.

I would also, say that this is how children grow into adults thinking sulking and withdrawing emotionally is acceptable, rather than address issues and get past them.

nilbyname Fri 21-Jun-13 12:13:18

Perhaps your parents feel you are too strict. Its hard for GPs to sit back and see that I think, I know my DM dislikes it when I reprimand DS.

I agree with bringme a quick no, and take the item away is enough of a telling off for an almost 2 year old.

How long were you going to withdraw and expect everyone else to for this awful crime???

Seriously, reprimand him, give him a hug and get on with life.

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:17:46

I wouldn't expect him to ignore DS, just not to be over affectionate as he walked in as soon as I had told him no and DS started crying and walked straight up to him. I'm just worried about how I look to him I guess, I would hate for DS to resent me because I am always the one having to teach him no and he can go and get comfort from someone else.

I understand IABU so thank you for clearing that up with me, it was the jealous mother and telling me that I've got a problem which got my back up the most.

Like I said, I'm just worried that DS will start to see me as the disciplinarian and not someone who he can find comfort in.

nilbyname Fri 21-Jun-13 12:20:14

marmite It is shit thinking that you are the bad cop al the time and the other adults supply all the fun, talk to your parents about it.

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:22:53

Madame- I wasn't going to ignore DS and I didn't ask my F to either. I always let him calm down go over to him and pick him up and then explain that he needs to listen. After that we have a cuddle, all is well and DS is back to normal, it was just that it happened and straight after F walked in and comforted him.

cory Fri 21-Jun-13 12:23:19

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:17:46
"I'm just worried about how I look to him I guess, I would hate for DS to resent me because I am always the one having to teach him no and he can go and get comfort from someone else.

Like I said, I'm just worried that DS will start to see me as the disciplinarian and not someone who he can find comfort in."

But the truth is, you are the parent, the disciplinarian job is yours and nobody else's, you can't expect anybody else to fill that job just because it is not the nicest or most popular one.

You still have so much time to be close to your ds and fulfill his deepest needs, to comfort him, to be the person closest to him. Don't worry about it. But don't lay your worries on your father either.

WorraLiberty England Fri 21-Jun-13 12:23:22

I suppose in the family set up that you have, you have to be the bad cop or your parents risk upsetting you if they try to discipline your child.

Does your DP do any of the discipline?

CloudsAndTrees Fri 21-Jun-13 12:24:28

It's ok for your children to see you as a disciplinarian! You are their parent, it's part of your job!

You children seeing that you discipline them doesn't mean they see you as someone who can't comfort them. That's the great thing about your parents when you are small, they are all of the things you need them to be. If anything, solid boundaries make children feel secure.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 21-Jun-13 12:25:22

YABU

I do understand why it must be difficult for you though. It is your parents house so if you want that level of control then you really need to find your own place, it can't be easy either for your father to come home to a crying toddler

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 12:27:36

in about 6 weeks you will be begging your Father to play with him ... I know where you coming from but if DS told by you that should be it no need to drag it on IMO and let him have some time with GD.

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:30:32

YANBU, if you have asked your F to respect that DS has been naughty and that you would prefer him not to be rewarded then he should respect that and adhere to it...however...having said that Grandparents hate being the bad guys and will always sympathise with the child.

I have this with my DP's parents where DSC's are concerned and I know I will have it from them and my parents when baby is born and old enough to get into mischief. They seem to forget that they punished us as kids for being naughty and would get p*ssed off at their parents / in laws for undermining them.

I wouldn't have a row with your parents, esp if you are living with them and not able to move out!! I would simply sit them down and ask that they respect your boundaries as a parent and that if you ask them to not fuss him when he has been naughty that they uphold that. If they cannot do that then you may not to look at finding away to move out.

HTH

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:34:55

Worra- ExP left me when I fell PG with DC2 and he has shown minimal interest in DS and the baby ever since.

Baby, affection and attention, isn't a reward.

WorraLiberty England Fri 21-Jun-13 12:46:09

Oh I'm sorry to hear that OP

What a shit sad

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:51:01

birds it is if he knows he has done wrong and has just been told off. It completely undermines his mum and makes out like its ok to ignore mummy cos granddad will give me hugs. IMO its unacceptable.

This is making me quite sad. The poor little mite had already been reprimanded.

When were you going to allow affection again? 10 minutes, 20, half an hour?

What do you think such a small child learns from how you are behaving and expecting your father to behave?

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 13:08:48

See its comments like yours madame that make me VERY sad and quite cross.

Children need to learn that certain behaviour is not acceptable and if a parent chooses to discipline and asks that this is not undermined then that should be respected - end of.

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 13:15:13

I sort of see where Madame coming from. He is only a baby not even two. I tend to ignore the dog for pinching socks not my child. They should be told at eye level and move on. IMO of course...

Baby, if the Granddad was in the room and the boy ran to him, then i would agree. But to say that the child should be ignored by an adult coming home from work, is very different.

Two year olds don't understand what they have done wrong, enough to process what is happening if they are then ignored. Toddlers should be pushing bounderies, withdrawing affection, from everyone, after the event, isn't how you handle it.

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 13:22:35

That is your opinion Birds obviously the OP and I disagree with you

Fine we all have our opinions, bit like arseholes really!

I have 2 children who are very happy well balanced children who know right from wrong.

I will not under any circumstance with hold lo e or affection from them because of their behaviour, ever. It is extremely damaging and upsetting for a child. Love and affection needs to be given to them unconditionally. Discipline should be kept separate and be doled out and moved on from.

The harshest I get is to say to my children that they need to leave the room because I am too upset to deal with them at the moment.

Your child needs to know how to behave because you ha e taught him right from wrong not because he is scared everyone is going to give him the cold shoulder. And at such a young age. Words fail me (well obviously not but sort of!).

neunundneunzigluftballons Fri 21-Jun-13 13:34:12

agree with madame and birds for a 2 year old

This has really got my goat now.

What are you teaching him?

To become o e of the arsehole men who often get posted about on here when their partners displease them and they withdraw affection and clam up until their partners fall into line???

TooMuchRain Fri 21-Jun-13 13:41:54

But GPs do get to be good cops most of the time - and while you are living in their house I think you need to respect their way of doing things too.

And the way you are behaving he will see you as the disciplinarian and feel shit living in an oppressive household.

You tell him off give him a hug and a quick kiss and you aren't, you are just lovely mum trying to get him to behave in a certain way.

If you must do naughty step and then kiss and cuddle but every reprimand or punishment should be immediate and then followed at such a young age with affection.

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 14:06:07

Just to clarify a few points that have been made; The incident with DS happened seconds before my F walked in, DS was sitting where the item had been taken from him crying. As soon as my F walked in DS got up and went to follow him. I never asked my F to ignore my DS I just said don't lather him with attention because he has just been told off. Had my F not walked in I would have let DS calm down and then picked him up to comfort him however I never got the chance as F picked him up and told him he was a 'good boy' and comforted him himself. My fears is that my F disregarding my request means that DS will see my F as a comfort after he has done something wrong- causing me to be undermined. I never deny my DS affection.

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 14:14:39

OK so I guess you wanted us all to say YANBU. If it makes you feel better then there you go. Bored now...just do not lather him with attention! He is 2 he just saw GD and toddled off after him.

CailinDana Fri 21-Jun-13 14:21:27

Imo ignoring someone after you've dealt with the problem and worse still asking others who weren't even involved to ignore them isn't discipline it's childish emotional game-playing. You're basically teaching the child that if they do something wrong then their secure emotional base will be withdrawn.

Punishing a child isn't about making them feel bad it's about teaching them how to behave. Silly emotional manipulation like ignoring or withdrawing praise doesn't teach them anything except how to be manipulative.

DeWe Fri 21-Jun-13 14:26:19

Personally I think in that situation it was ideal that your df came and played with him in a different room.

He's only little and you'd told him off for running off. He understood you were cross, he cried. At that age, for that offense that was fine.
Then he needs comfort, and he got it, while giving you a break.

If your df had been there, and called him over and said "you weren't naughty, mummy's nasty..." then complain. As it is, you and ds got a break from each other, which is often a good idea when things have been getting heated.

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 14:28:49

I am intrigued to know what he ran off with...

Viewofthehills Fri 21-Jun-13 14:37:06

If I understand the OP correctly she was halfway through the issue- ie had taken back the item her DS, but wanted to then explain why it was wrong and then make him feel better.
I think maybe if you had said " Can you give me 5 minutes with him- I'm sorting something out and then he can come and play" that might work better nxt time.
In our house we have always felt that the person who starts dealing with the issue finishes it. Don't be put off gentle discipline with a two year old- they know when they're pushing boundaries and feel secure when they've tested they're there IMO.

CailinDana Fri 21-Jun-13 14:44:53

I think i have quite a different idea about discipline than other pisters. I wouldn't be too pleased with myself if i made my child cry. Imo punishment shouldn't involve any anger shouting or crying and it shouldn't be necessary to comfort a child afterwards as a punishment shouldn't hurt them.

CailinDana Fri 21-Jun-13 14:46:11

*posters!

PrincessScrumpy Fri 21-Jun-13 14:48:42

I have 2 21mo dds and I know I discipline them instantly by using the step - no one talks to then if they're on the step, however you allowed ds to follow his grandad and I think uabu to expect him to ignore your ds when he didn't see the offence being committed so DC won't understand why he's being ignored. Also, it may be your child but it's their house.
I know when DC stay with gps they stay up late and eat lots of chocolate - my parents love the fact they get to enjoy gc without the discipline.

MrsMook Fri 21-Jun-13 14:57:09

I think you were reasonable. You were dealing with it and didn't get chance to resolve the issue as you wished.

If DH comes in as I'm sorting out DS1 (2.6) I tell him the situation. He'll mention it briefly to DS, supporting me, then change the situation. He's not denied attention, but over showering with praise and attention isn't appropriately immediately afterwards. We think its important for our DC to see the family unit as being united. If we do have an issue with our approaches, we'll discuss it quietly after.

Your parents are part of the family unit and need to co-operate, not undermine. There's plenty of chance for their affection when you've resolved the situation. (And looking after a toddler in heavy pregnancy is not easy)

Cat98 Fri 21-Jun-13 15:10:28

I can see both sides (resident fence-sitter, me!)

I agree that at 2, he is too young To understand cause and effect here, so he could have just been bewildered at your df's withdrawal had he followed your wishes. and I'm not convinced about ignoring anyway as a punishment for a 2 year old.

However we all parent differently and I don't think your dad should have ignored your wishes. Discuss them with you later, maybe, if he disagrees, but not ignored them there and then- it is a little undermining.

So IMO yabu for the discipline method, but YANBU to be a bit peeved at your df.

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 16:03:46

And for what it is worth I am sure arguing in front of your child will be more detrimental than on one occasion GD doing what he did. He has had a lot of upheavel with his Father leaving

SoleSource England Fri 21-Jun-13 16:57:30

YABVU I agree with most here.

DoJo Fri 21-Jun-13 17:41:44

* OP - I took the item from him and told him no that he is not allowed said item and he started crying*

CailinDana - I wouldn't be too pleased with myself if i made my child cry.

Really? So if your child had got hold of something they shouldn't and cried when you took it from them you would just give it back?

Cherriesarelovely Fri 21-Jun-13 17:50:36

Sounds like bit of a stressful day. I understand what you mean but I also think it must've been hard for your f to be offish with your toddler when he isn't normally due to some misdemeanour that he wasn't part of. Not a reason for him to make a huge fuss of your Ds I know. If your f told him "oh, don't worry about mummy, she's just being silly" or "it's ok it wasn't your fault" or something like that then yes but if he was just being jolly and not referring to what happened then I think that was ok.

Cherriesarelovely Fri 21-Jun-13 17:52:03

Basically what DeWe said!

1Catherine1 Fri 21-Jun-13 18:12:23

Putting myself in your situation... My DD is 2yrs and 3 months - we've been using the "naughty step" for about 2 months. It which time, I'm withholding attention and affection for 2 minutes. By some standards on this thread am I cruel?

When I visit and stay with my parents I would be furious with them if they broke the naughty step rule. Not that they would - both my DM and DF would say to DD "Mummy said sit on the step" and remove themselves from the situation (leave the area near the step).

I think the differences is we have a clear system of discipline. Everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet. You can't expect your DF to follow an arbitrary punishment system which he doesn't understand, never mind you DS.

I think the comment from your DF was unfair though..

CailinDana Fri 21-Jun-13 18:55:53

Dojo - no i would (and do) try my best to keep forbidden items out of reach and if through my own oversight my ds got hold of something forbidden and ended up crying i'd not be best pleased with myself.

aldiwhore Fri 21-Jun-13 19:03:25

Marmite I think the timing was bad and your F was NBU. BUT he shouldn't undermine you.. you are allowed to remain 'cross', on the other hand, the whole world doesn't have to be cross too. Your F could have helped with a frown or an 'OH DEARY ME' look, then resumed business as usual.

Your DS is still VERY little.

I'm not going to blast you too much though, even if I think YABU, as 'forbidden' means little to a child so young, it's something that develops over time.

You sounds stressed and not in a great place, and I think you can be forgiven, it's not easy being pregnant with a small child, living with your parents in their home where both your parental rules AND yours apply AND will clash.

So I'm going to give you a bit of a break and send a very unMN hug your way.

DoJo Sat 22-Jun-13 17:05:24

CailinDana - You're very lucky then to have that option. Our house is too small (or our son is too inventive) to avoid occasionally having to stop our him from touching something he shouldn't such as the controls on the front of the dishwasher, plug sockets, the rubbish bin etc and he cries when we stop him from touching them. It's disheartening to think that I would be considered cruel for that by some on this thread.

Engelsemama Sat 22-Jun-13 17:11:56

YANBU Your DF undermined you and his comments were rude and uncalled for
. Sounds like you're living in a really difficult situation. <hugs>

TeenAndTween Sat 22-Jun-13 18:11:47

As I understand it the OP was in the middle of telling off her DS, the GF came in and the DS went off with GF in the middle of the incident?

If so, I think the OP wan't clear enough in what she said to the GF. Would have been clearer to say "GF, I'm just having a few words with DS, he'll be with you in a minute", then finish dealing with incident, then send off the GF and let GF behave as usual.

lljkk Netherlands Sat 22-Jun-13 19:45:16

I'm struggling to follow this, but maybe GF was praising the boy for good behaviour to encourage that, not otherwise interfering?

Sounds like GF was trying to be nice to the boy to cheer everyone up and improve the boy's behaviour faster; maybe a clumsy effort to help make peace for everyone.

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