to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?(215 Posts)
This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:
I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.
So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?
ynbu. i find it very odd. id say no, whats your is mine and mine is yours. i will pay bills etc but you are not having most of my money if this is how you see it.
thje fact you ate one meal to keep bills low is beyound discusting tbh.
id be having strong wordsl.
Surely if you are married all money is family money whether or not you have it in a joint account. DH was a SAHD and we don't keep all our money in a joint account but it is still family money. How were you left short of money when your DH was earning?
So he is paying all the bills and rent etc? And the 250 is just 'spending money' for you? For clothes? If that is correct, then YABVU. If you've been happy with all hiis money being shared, then why can't your money be shared?
I really don't understand the 'mentality' behind this.
I do know that spending the rest of my life with a man who felt it was appropriate for me to eat 1 meal a day in order to save money would be too much for me and i would quite frankly tell him to fuck off.
sorry I can't be any more help
Why don't you have joint finances?
I haven't been married but I guess I wouldn't marry if it was 'his money', 'my money' situation. It is our money and you shouldn't owe your DH anything. The £250 isn't enough as you've stated and you need to tell him this and agree on a bigger budget for yourself. I guess your DH is concerned about your savings as a couple and is trying to be sensible
or a control freak but I think you need to have a say too. Communication is key.
This sounds utterly crap and controlling tbh.
Do you not have a joint account for the bilks that you can both pay towards and then each keep a portion if your own wage?
Tho tbh we just have a joint account and share money, its all 'ours' there is no mine/his wiurth money.
Sorry but alarm bells are ringing.
YANBU at all. I don't know where to start, really, but your assessment is right. You are a team, he supported you when you couldn't. That's how it is supposed to work. Why were you still paying student loans, though - aren't they dependent on salary?
Bloody hell, I really hope this isn't true. Did he know you were eating one meal a day.
If so he's a heartless bastard and no you shouldn't hand over your wage to him.
Congratulations on your pregnancy just a shame it's to the wrong man.
So did he get into debt whilst your weren't working and it's to pay this back?
I believe that when you live together and have children any income
Should be family income and not his and hers.
I think either:
You are being a mug and need to putyour foot down
Your DH is being controlling
But 20k isnt exactly a high salary so maybe a bit of prudency on both sides prior to baby will be advisable anyway.
t your name on the mortgage!
it's YOUR salary. YOU decide how much if any is fair to pay back to him.
however as you are a family I am of the school of thought that both incomes are family money and you pool finances to cover bills/travel/maternity wear/savings etc.
I think you should both get over "my money" "his money" - by getting a joint account, paying both your paychecks into it and using the account to pay for everything. For me, that is the way married life is. It's our money, our house, our children, our car etc. If there isn't enough money, we're both frugal. If there is enough, we both enjoy it.
But I accept that lots of people manage to share a bed without sharing their money, and I expect they'll be along to advise you!
Although - what are you planning on doing while you're on Mat leave? How much is DH intending to pay you for his share of looking after your joint baby? Which is, after all, an important job which he needs someone to do for him - he can't expect free childcare. If you're going to have split finances, do it properly!
I missed the one meal a day. Does he know you did that? That's fucking terrible. Seriously?
He treats you like dirt and is very controlling with money, you have limited your eating because you have been trying to keep him happy. That literally wants to make me cry.
Other posters with good advice will come along but I seriously worry about if his behaviour will become worse once the baby comes. You sound so vulnerable op and I'm very worried about your situation. Have you discussed this with any friends in RL?
Yanbu your dh is being an arse
I think if you felt you have 'to keep costs down' to the point of only eating 1 meal per day just because you are not earning, you have seriously f**ked up ideas about how marriage works.
Have you thought about how your finances are going to work when you have children? Are you gong to bill him for 12 hours childcare per day (his half)?
surely all the money belongs to both of you? Do you not have a joint account? I dont work but me and dh have a joint account so if we need anything I buy it using my card on the account. He has never regarded it as just 'his' money even when I felt funny about spending it (have got over that now!) and sees it as family money.
I think you need a discussion about your joint finances although my gut reaction would be to tell him to fuck off!!
I cannot believe your husband let you go hungry and is now charging you...I'm sorry, but I think he is financially abusing you and you need a serious wakeup call.
How much of "his" money did you actually borrow? I would say from your post £150 a month x 6 months is £900. Is that the amount he is asking you to pay?
If he is wanting you to pay for food he is being petty and mean (especially as you are eating to grow his baby too!).
And we have my money and DH money - and I supported him through his job loss, I never begrudged him eating, nor did I ask for that money back!
Sorry I don't get it . Is he saying set aside all but £250 to cover your loss of income during ml or that you "owe" him ? Work out your own costs including commute , budget for lunch and clothing (most maternity clothing isn't strictly necessary and you can get basics in places like H and M etc and put the remainder into a joint account. Likewise ask him to do same.
Figs yoniread it the £250 she has leftover after he 'takes' most of her wage STILL has to cover her bills and commute and food etc.
Seriously op this is odd imo, you are having his baby ffs.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Have a read through this, OP: What is financial abuse?
and how disgusting that the partner you have chosen to share your life with and be responsible for your child would be happy with you eating one meal a day, while he eats 3.
Is this for real? If so, you are married to a flatmate.
Did you realise you are in abusive relationship ?
Please give women's aid a call and tell them what you have told us
He is a controlling prick.
He has "a hole in his finances"?
Once your baby arrives you are going to be fucked if you stay with a man like this.
You're married - both salaries are "our" money.
Nothing else is acceptable imho.
And this is not the way married life is unless you are married to a financially abuse prick.
I'm not sure I'm reading the same OP as everyone else.
He has covered all household outgoings and given you 150 a month on top? I do think that your wages now need to go 'into the pot' so to speak.
What you should be doing is putting both lots of wages together, paying all bills and essentials, and then splitting what is left between you for clothes and luxuries etc. Does he have £250 (or more?)spare for himself after bills etc?
The only thing I don't get is why you are buying food separately.
DP and I have 'his money' and 'her money' too, but as long as we're paying the same in outgoings, it all balances out and we're both happy.
This is appalling. What is he going to do with the money you must give him?
Marriages are partnerships. Some times he'll support you and other times vice versa. But you don't keep a tab and demand cash once the other earns again.
I cannot believe you only ate one meal a day. Did he know this?
I am just
Ok I work in NHS admin. Do you want to explain how it took 6 months for you to get a start date?
This is one of the saddest posts i have ever read (and there have been many). This is an abusive relationship. he is keeping you in financial hardship to the point you could only eat one meal a day? did he know this? Does he even care?
You are now even more vulnerable as you are pregnant. Please assess your relationship and get advice because this is not normal.
I don't even know where to start with this.
Actually I do - you ate one meal a day? You are married to an utter, utter cunt. I am really sad for you that you are pregnant by him.
Why are you moving to be closer to his work but leave you with a huge commute?
I don't really inderstand TBH. What's with the one meal thing, I often eat one proper meal a day and have a bowl of cereal or toast/sandwich for breakfast lunch etc. I don't believe you were eating just one meal a day and if so why and did he know this?
Also as regards money - what do you plan to do with your pay check - surely the bulk of t will be going to cover bills and expenses etc. How much does he have to spend on himself after paying everything for months out of his salary? not sure why your husband is getting so much flak here when what you have posted isn't very clear.
Yoni, if he covered all household bills why was OP only eating once a day to save money? It might just (in a very remote way) be ok if the £150 had been wholly disposable cash for the OP but it clearly wasn't.
Cheers for the super fast responses guys, let's see if I can answer some of the questions.
Wondering - I never told him I was only eating once a day - because we live in an isolated location and he was doing the food shop I was reliant on what he brought home, and would have to stretch it for a week - it generally worked out to one meal a day and enough for him to have dinner when he got in of an evening.
Chaz - although we have discussed a joint account on numerous occasions in the 2 years we've been together it's never materialised because he's a master procrastinator and we'd both have to be at the bank at the same time. I've always been a firm believer in "our" money over "yours" and "mine", but I've had to be so firm with myself in these past months I fear I'm rather jealous of sharing what I feel I've earned now...
Yoni - the bills and mortgage are in his name and always have been, but I've religiously paid half up until I left my last job. I'm happy to recommence paying half, and maybe a bit extra to try and plug the dent I'm sure I've made in his finances, I'm just smarting at giving him what will be about 70% of my paycheck, especially knowing his history for impulse buying.
Emma - I completely understand what you're saying, it's something I fell into, rather than him enforcing it. So it's not like he made me go without, I didn't raise it because I felt awful that he was having to support me month on month.
Notsuch - see what I've written to Chaz.
Sole - that's a nice way of looking at it, and that's the way I'm really trying to look at it, when we discussed it this evening I was chewing on my lip so as not to cry, as I was so looking forward to buying a pair of jeans that don't put so much pressure on my tum I feel the urge to pee almost constantly. I know I've put him in a bad financial spot and do feel very responsible for our precarious position now, but I don't feel happy about this. That said I've not the faintest idea of a better plan, and we need to do something.
Katie - not that I'm aware of, but if you add up the shortfall in money from me that he was getting (about 500 a month) plus the pin money he was paying me, I suppose I've cost him about 3-4 grand. Which makes me feel awful.
Right hormones are now raging, I'm going to go and have a quiet cry.
Thanks for your input ladies.
If he was out of work would he eat one meal a day to survive? How would you financially manage if he wasn't working and what would your expectation be? Use that as your benchmark of what is acceptable
FFS, not every couple that chooses to run their finances against the MN rules is living with financial abuse!
It is perfectly acceptable a coupe to run their separate finances separately!
I wouldn't be handing over the majority of my paycheque, but I don't think there's anything wrong with the DH expecting some of the OPs salary to go into replenishing savings that have been drawn on while she has been out of work. Maybe he's needed to get credit to be able to pay the usual expenses while OP hasn't been working, and if he has, it's only right that she helps clear that.
He doesn't get to dictate how much of the pay cheque she hands over, but I don't think he's an arsehole just because he expects some of it.
I would never marry someone who didn't see all money as "ours".
Can't relate to the OP at all.you are married, you should share income.
We do our money I actually could not be doing with that yours and mine not for me. YANBU
You 'cost him'? Your spouse and the parent of your child and you look at it as 'costing him'? WTAF? Do people actually feel this way about their own spouse and the mother/father of their children?
In the op you say he owns your house but in your update you said you had been paying half the mortgage and bills. Is your name on the mortgage op?
I think saying you have 'cost' your husband money and him giving 'pin money' is not normal at all. He should be happy to support you rather than feel you have made a 'dent' in his finances. This seems utterly bizarre to me.
I feel like crying at this thread. Please I want to send you a huge food parcel x
YANBU Its utter crap. When you are married its joint money or at least it should be. I know one couple who kept the money apart and ending up falling out big time over whose turn it was to buy the nappies!
Tell him where to go and demand your name goes on the deeds too while you are about it - otherwise why on earth should you be contributing to a mortgage for a house that's not in your name!.
So he did the food shop and didn't buy enough for you to eat properly?
And now he's planning on taking so much of your wages that you won't be able to clothe yourself adequately?
That is financial abuse. No two ways about it.
OP - you have to say no and be very clear about it. It's easy to say that your husband is a cunt (maybe he is) because if this,but he could be a perfectly nice bloke with funny ideas about money.
I know that after my period of unemployment (got a temp job) my dp (who is a generally nice bloke) was annoyed that I didn't contribute it all towards the flat (which i don't own in any way) and dared spend some socialising. And on his birthday and Christmas. He was still annoyed about it. It didn't sit well and caused a great deal of resentment on my part. We're working through it now I have a permanent job. But it's like talking to a brick wall sometimes trying to make him understand he earns almost three times as much as me so I simply cannot contribute an equal amount. That I have a lot less money full stop. Lovely bloke,funny ideas about money.
I dread to think how much I am 'costing' dh as I havent worked since the birth of ds (now 6)!! He sees it more as saving us paying out for childcare as we have no family here that could do it for us cheaply.
He's being utterly ridiculous. There's always financial ebb and flow within a relationship. In a few years time your DH might find himself dependent on your income.
Right, so when you add your wages to his wages, and then take away the bills/rent/food/commuting costs, is there more than £500 spare?
If you are paying towards the mortgage then get your name on the house.
Why was he buying so little food that you didn't have enough to eat? A couple are a team you don't leave one member of the team struggling whilst you are comfortable.
What about the hole in your finances if you were living off savings?
So basically he wants to dictate how you spend most of your wages?
He can fuck right off and fuck off a lot more.
You both decide what you need for baby and you both save for it. He doesn't tell you how much you save. You discuss this like adults.
In a relationship, you support each other. Sometimes its him supporting you. Other times you support him. You know in sickness and in health. For richer and for poorer. It's not well while I am supporting you I am going to be a tight bastard and account for every penny spent while you are out of work. If this was the case I, like many sahp would be financially fucked because we would owe partners thousands.
This doesn't sound like a partnership to me, which I believe a marriage is. You stand by each other emotionally and financially when times are tough. Not tallying up what is owed, feeling guilt because you have 'cost him' or starving yourself because he doesn't buy enough food.
How much is he going to 'charge' you when you are on maternity leave? Are you going to have to find funds to feed your child? What are you going to sacrifice to buy new baby gros?
Why did you not tell him to buy more food so you could have reasonable meals each day? That part blows my mind.
This thread has made me feel sad.
OP - by your kind of sums I 'cost' DH about two and a half grand a month.
Why were you reliant on him for the food shop, don't you drive?
It's true that some people choose to have separate finances, but actually as the system does not support this approach, it's only a choice when both people have income. You pay taxes as individuals but you get benefits as a household, so when there's no money coming in for one person it's not much of a choice, is it? Her choices are to starve or leave. Those aren't good choices to give your wife. It's plainly abusive.
If the OP had been single and out of work she could have claimed JSA and Housing Benefit etc. It would have come to more than £150 per month. And she would still have been really skint!
<<he could be a perfectly nice bloke with funny ideas about money. >>
If he's such a nice bloke, why couldn't the OP tell him she didn't have enough to eat?
Also, how are things going to work when the baby is here?
TheYoni - the OP was paying her student loan out of that plus her own bills, she doesn't say what those were. Doesn't sound like much to me.
And the £250 has to cover her commuting costs plus her food - and her commute is about to get longer due to them moving closer to her DH's work.
We are not talking a £250 a month clothing allowance here.
It isn't essential to have all joint money in a marriage, but you still have to work as a team and have a reasonable arrangement you both agree with.
Sounds like it was the Op's choice to have one meal a day and he didn't know. So no cereal/eggs/ bread for breakfast and lunch? Also, does 20k go far when supporting two people, I doubt he was off living the high life. How much does he have to spend on himself?
I did say could be because I don't know him,the OP or how their relationship functions generally speaking.
The food thing I missed on first read and is appalling. Did he deliberately not buy enough food OP?
As I said,his request should be met with a no. Absolutely not.
Jesus, I have been a sahm for over 10 years with three DCs and I am in charge of all of DH's salary, I pay all bills and give him spending money. He would withdraw £50 for a packet of chewing gum if I let him.
My DH and i keep our money separate (two joint accounts but i use one and he uses the other). I earn loads less than DH. If for any reason i can't meet all my costs in any month he will give me more money or i use a credit card which he pays. This is because we are a couple and pool all our resources.
I agree with TheYoniWayIsUp, I feel like I've read a different OP.
Whose savings were you living on at first when you were between jobs? Presumably yours, or joint?
Wow! Uhh, that's a lot of responses!
I'm paying off a student loan overpayment, although generally it would be income dependent, the overpayment has to be paid back regardless, although I've managed to lower the rate of payment.
It took 6 months for Admin to get me in because of paperwork snafus on their end and then waiting lists for training days.
Although DH hasn't had to ask for extended credit he has maxed his overdraft, which we'd very nearly cleared. I do feel responsible for that and absolutely want to help clear it (and my own) before the baby comes.
The pin money he gave me was for bills and payments, such as mobile phone, car insurance, direct debit payments, that sort of thing. My monthly treat would be about a tenner to spend on hairdye for my roots. I'm making him sound like a monster, he isn't, he just doesn't have the same priorities as me. I do think that his efforts now are to get us into a stable financial position before the baby comes, and not just to fritter away my earnings.
We're moving to be closer to his family before his mum dies of terminal cancer, so I don't begrudge the decision at all.
Perhaps you should "charge " him for carrying your child?
You 'cost' him wtf
Why couldn't you say you were only eating one meal a day? Unless he is a total bastard he would have apologised and bought more stuff, how is it possible he couldn't notice if he didn't buy enough?
You don't have to pay student loan payments if you're not earning, do you?
The OP has stated that her DH did not know she was only eating one meal a day.
I think some posters are getting slightly hysterical.
It depends if up to now you have kept 'his' pay, 'your' pay!!
So did you tell him it wasn't enough food? This guy could be assuming he is buying plenty if you haven't actually told him your not eating properly.
This money he rhinks you should be handing over, where is it going? Into a savings pot or into a personal bank account of his?
I have supported dp through times of unemployment and never asked for a penny back.
Now he is working he contributes to the household ea set amount and treats us to holidays and days out etc.
I think, as others have said, that you must get your name on the house deeds, whether or not he owns it directly or is paying a mortgage. Indeed, if you are paying rent, then get your name on the rental agreement.
Your home is your security and you don't want to feel, especially when you have a baby, that you have no rights over it.
I haven't worked for a very long time and my husband would never, ever refer to money or assets as his and I would feel fairly awful, childlike, if he did.
It might be worth asking him, when you have your name on your home's documentation, why you can't just pool money. Consider his answer and then act upon it.
I do feel for you but now really is the time to get things on a fairer footing because it will be harder to do so with each passing year.
You really need to not feel guilty about costing him money. That's not what a marriage is about. With mat leave and a baby coming he has to happily support his family, financially and otherwise.
Yes you both may need to save up some money ahead of mat leave to smooth the income drop but that's a conversation you have and both agree to based on what you can afford together. One of you doesn't get to dictate to the other.
On the best reading of this thread he's a fucking idiot who didn't notice you weren't eating much and thought prices were still a 70s levels. This is a very remote possibility. Otherwise he's taking the piss (much more likely). Either way you need to have a good conversation about it all and agree a joint approach that you can both accept.
Mat clothes aren't critical apart from basics, next do decentish jeans and leggings are also useful. H&M is good too. This baby is also his, so he should help you buy clothes to accommodate it.
It's not my idea of marriage either.
We have a joint account, all bills are paid out of there, everything. Big spends are discussed. We have had times when I earned nothing due to children, I have just packed in my job and am looking to do something else which might require paid training.
We are partners, we decided to live together, support each other always and would never ever think about adding up what one has cost the other.
Bloody hell I don't get it. Why would you want to be with someone so controlling? He gets 2/3 of your wages and will go off and buy crazy and undiscussed things with it while you struggle?
You did contribute to the mortgage, your name should be on the deeds. If he doesn't want that I would leave. Reading your post has really made me feel rather sad. I hope you get this mess sorted.
This is going to be a hugely unpopular view on MN, but here I go...
Perhaps he doesn't mean to appear like a control freak, he's planning ahead, taking the responsibility of the baby seriously. Making sure that there is not another sudden unexpected time when a 6 week gap with insufficient money becomes 6 months or a year.
I'm delighted that he supported your decision to leave, but it must have been a shock to both of you when suddenly you were coping on his salary alone for 6 months, and you responded by keeping costs down and not complaining, or even telling him that you weren't eating properly.
How many of those austerity measures were of your choosing, and how many were imposed intentionally upon you by him?
He seems unaware rather than manipulative, and you will hopefully have a problem-free pregnancy, easy birth and a happy maternity leave. Or you might not.
So starting from as stable a position as possible makes sense to me.
From his logic, he needs to fill the hole in his finances so that if and when he needs to carry all the finances again, he can.
We have a family bank of £10,000. That being the extended family of 23 individuals. It has been used as an emergency loan several times, but it's always paid back into, so the next time someone needs, it's there.
That said, you are both adults. You need to sit down and look at all your finances, see what are essentials, what are useful and important and what are luxuries. Then you cost them out, work out your total income and match the two up. Pool the information, set up a joint account for the essentials on DD and then either have a joint account for the rest or have separate accounts, whatever works for you.
Because if something does go a bit pear-shaped and your maternity leave starts early. or you need to take double the time off you've planned to, you are going to need to find the money from somewhere.
So you both need to talk honestly and clearly about the money.
Or he could be a manipulative dominant abusive shit who intentionally left you short of food and wants to totally own you.
But I felt I needed to put another possibility onto the table.
How much savings did you have and how much did you spend of it?
What bills are you expected to. Pay your half of?
Work out how much you bills are, how much pregnancy clothes are, how much you need for food and travel etc, then tell him how much you are willing to put into the pot.
Seeing as the child you are growing is his, the pregnancy clothing should be seen as a shared expense. Also the food.
Waiting lists for training days? What on earth training did you need? It's generally delivered once you're in post and if necessary you are supernumary till fully certified. What is your job? I'm assuming low grade or part time if you're earnings are £1000 a month. Really can't see why they took so long to get you in. I would challenge that with HR tbh. I'm also surprised they haven't lost funding for the post - very few areas in the NHS can be without a postholder for so long when the only hold up is 'admin'. Rather suggests they didn't really need the post filling.
Re your husband 'I'm making him sound like a monster, he isn't' - well the affair that you only learnt about whilst you were ttc wouldn't endear him in my eyes certainly.
I'm making him sound like a monster, he isn't, he just doesn't have the same priorities as me. I do think that his efforts now are to get us into a stable financial position before the baby comes, and not just to fritter away my earnings.
Sounds sensible to me. Op it sounds like you need to grow up and tell him that you are happy to contribute to getting financially stable before baby comes but £250 is not enough.
Sit down and work out together what you need each month to live on and put the rest into clearing the debts.
Is he demanding the money or suggesting it?
Eyes, the OP say he'll 'fritter' it away.
I do agree it would be different if it were going into joint savings for baby/family expenses.
another way of looking at is for you both to put all your money into the shared account and after withdrawing enough for bills/travel, allocate x amount for 'spends'.
Food and maternity clothes are a joint account spend though as they relate to both of you and the baby
OP had you considered what the arrangement might be if you were to become permanently out of work- say you became ill or your child required full time care and you chose to stay at home with him/her? would you still feel indebted to your DP or would you consider it a family expense/loss of income?
throughout my parents' 37 year marriage there have been periods when one was earning a lot more than the other, or when one was out of work through illness or through no work being available (dad is in construction). I have no doubt in my mind that if they totted up who had paid more towards the house/childcare etc over that time then one of them would be 'owing' the other quite a bit of cash but as they are a family unit that isn't how they work. they work on a 'we' have to tighten our belts for a bit basis rather than a "husband you owe me 4 grand when you find work again" basis because at the end of it all they have chosen to share their lives- good and bad and support each other. they are each other's other half and there are only two of them to look after each other so that's what they do. they don't keep a tab.
Oh I think I have misunderstood.
It was upthread where there was a suggestion of non-frugality though
She thinks he'll fritter it away, he thinks that she doesn't plan ahead...they need to talk and decide jointly what's what.
One person's frivolous new pair of jeans is another person's 'Look you twerp, my 24" waist is now a 42" waist and I need new trousers'
I don't think it's 'hysterical' to voice concerns about a relationship where one partner feels they have to drop to one meal per day rather than ask the other for more food.
I mean, food's a pretty basic necessity, isn't it. As is clothing that the OP is now worrying about affording.
I can't keep up with you guys! Uhh, our wages combined after tax should come to just shy of 2k as of next month, when we move our outgoings will decrease significantly, as DH will be able to cycle to work rather than drive 40 mins, and the twice weekly hour-long drive to visit his fam will be cut to 30 mins max. Our energy bills will go down and we might be able to cut down to one car, plus we will be taking on a lodger. Much as I'd like to have my name on the deeds I have a 6 month gap in my earnings and am now on a 0-hours contract, meaning that without 6 months of consistent earnings no mortgage provider would touch me. Because of my earning shortfall our move is going to be more expensive than it has to be in order to legally protect my financial assets that I'm investing in our new home. I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, this whole topic always makes me fuzzy headed and I find it hard to work out what is and isn't relavent to the debate.
I will say however that DH is a good guy and has done a good deal to try and keep us both comfortable on a limited salary with quite high outgoings for a lot lot longer than either of us planned. As someone said above, he's not abusive, I just can't figure out if he has daft ideas about money (I'm the first girlfriend (now wife) he's ever successfully live with, and not because I take a lot of flak either)
Eyes I've lost the plot.
I agree that a joint account and a joint agreement on spends is the way to go.
'and am now on a 0-hours contract,'
Does that mean that you don't know how much you will be earning every month?
You can get your name on the deeds without earning.
What are you investing in the new home?
Sounds like hes really done a number on you OP.
It's just how a lot of the people in my family would respond. They'd only feel they'd failed if the house was repossessed or you couldn't heat it enough to keep the baby warm, that sort of thing.
It's why as a family we have the cash stash. My dad was in the position several times of having to do stupid things to provide for me when I was a baby and 50 years later, no one in the clan will be in that position if he has anything to do with it.
It's just that on MN, talk about shared finances always goes very weird.
Dear God, one meal a day to save food?!
That is just not normal for a married couple.
How was he supposed to know if she said nothing?
you don't need to have any earnings to get your name on the deeds of the house!
I think the 64,000 dollar question is WHY she didn't feel she could say something about being virtually starved
Can you open a joint account online? Must be a way.
Guilty Female Syndrome.
Where you feel unnecessarily responsible and guilty for no real reason, and don't want to put anyone out and don't want to be greedy or seen as demanding.
Many people are oblivious to the countless little sacrifices that so many make along the way.
I don't earn a salary and when DH and I applied for our mortgage and bought our home, I wasn't earning, my name is still on the deeds of the house. I made sure they were.
I don't know where you got your info from regarding this but I think you need to start finding out where you stand and what you are entitled to.
You do not need to earn anything to co-own your house. Your DH has a mortgage based on his wages. You don't need to provide anything financially.
Eyeunderarock is right, I didn't tell him that I was cutting the amount I was eating so we could eat together. And my 250 a month would in future cover food for me whilst I work (which on a 12 hour shift is proving to be about the equivalent of an entire loaf of bread in sarnies) and whatever household necessities he doesn't remember to pick up. He buys his breakfast and lunch on the way to work, so we only eat together once a day, less if I'm working nights.
There's no reason the OP's name can't go on the feeds regardless of her employment status.
There's no reason they can't get a joint bank account.
The whole thing sounds unequal.
Ok I think this entirely depends on the DPs attitude.
I don't think he's necessarily being unfair. If you think about it someone earning 20k would get a take home of about 1100 a month after tax, NI, pension etc. So minus the 150 he's been giving the OP that leaves 950, say a relatively small mortgage of 500 a month leaves 450, bills such as council tax, water, electric probably come to about 200 leaving 250 a month for food. Not very much really. Add to that he's working full time and doing the food shop. I'm not sure he's the ogre you are all painting him as. Perhaps he has overextended to cover costs and now needs some help getting on an even keel.
what? so you didnt even eat anything all day until dinner time?
My info re mortgage and deeds comes from my mortgage advisor, not my husbands - if you don't earn and you're put on a mortgage you are seen by the lender as a dependent, and the value they will lend is instantly reduced. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but we have assets tied in our current property that cannot be released probably for the next 4 years, so we needed the full whack of his earning potential without my financial hindrance in order to get the house we need to suit our needs. I live in Scotland and up here (I don't know if it's the same down south) your name cannot be on the deeds for the property if you're not financially responsible for the property, and as I'm not on the mortgage I can't be on the deeds.
OP, the reason I ask specifically about £500 is because I thought you had £250 spare to spend on clothes etc. I was just wondering if he had the same.
If you have bills to pay out of your 250 then that changes things, obviously.
You can register an interest on the property deeds without going on the loan.
With regards to finances you need to be honest with yourself about whether you or he can manage them alone or if you both need to be involved.
For us it works better if I control them as I work from home so can do the banking and dp is a self confessed scatter cash. He earns the majority of our income which goes into a joint account that I manage. We discuss what spare money we have for extras and what I say goes.
It would depend if the gap in the income needs plugging or if he is being controlling. There have been times when dp has asked for something and wr genuinely couldn't afford it. But work costs such ad fuel and food comes before paying bills and savings.
You need to decide if you are happy with your situation or not. And if not then change it now before baby comes and causes further issues.
We are due our baby in December. Dp will support us all. It may be old fashioned to some but we will make other sacrifices to be able to afford to do that. I would be asking your dh if he would be doing the same if you could afford it. If the answer is no then I think you need to have a good look at your relationship.
Who on earth didn't you tell him about the meals?
Seriously. What made you think it was ok not to eat properly and hide this from your husband?
If he's not abusive, you will be able to speak to each other as equal partners, each respecting the other's wishes and needs.
So this .. I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances .....I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
...is a matter for some robust discussion until you have a satisfactory solution. You should not have to retire hurt and wondering how you'll cope. This is not how equal partners deal with each other.
Nor should you have been silently depriving yourself of food. it's very sad you went hungry instead of talking to your husband. (How come he didn't notice how little you were eating? )
You must please get those jeans, by the way. You really ought not to be uncomfortable like that - and worse, stay silent about it
'What? so you didnt even eat anything all day until dinner time?'
She's an intelligent adult and it was entirely her choice. Whether you agree with it or not, it's her decision and her husband wasn't there.
What does being on a 0 hours contract mean in the way of a reliable income?
I still can't understand why you didn't tell your DH you needed more food bought. What would he have said? You could have made a shopping list together to ensure you had enough. A pack of rolls and some ham for lunch and some cereal and milk for breakfast or bread for toast does not cost much at all.
you don't have to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds AFAIK.
This sounds very wrong to me.
I don't mean to add to your stress but have you told your new employer you are pregnant? I know employers aren't supposed to discriminate but if you are due in December and are showing, they might try and find a spurious reason to terminate your contract within its probationary period and then you'd be back at square one.
I have adult children, and I'd know if I wasn't buying enough food because all the food in the house would be gone when I got home.
In reality, we have a shopping list on the board, and we all add to it.
DS's constant requests for nutella are deleted.
No I'm sorry Eyes. Any sensible bloke would have said what do you want for brekker/lunch,shall I get extra bread, cheese etc for sandwiches. Not just carry on buying only enough for dinner only. He's either stupid or a creep.
zero hours means no guaranteed work= no guaranteed income
Or he assumed he'd married an adult who would say if things were a problem.
That's what I thought, toot. So in reality she could keep £250 and hand over 50p.
He still sounds like he's trying to plan ahead, and OP sounds like the strong, silent heroically suffering type.
You need to talk and sort stuff out ASAP. Like equal partners.
Whatever you do, don't get a joint account with this man. If you needed to untangle from it, it would be impossible without his cooperation.
I don't understand why you didn't tell him there wasn't enough food, either?
Is there some reason why you feel you can not talk to your husband about these things?
X-post. You do not need £250 per month for 'food at work'. Why don't you both buy food for the house with your joint money and eat breakfast and take lunch with you?
Why do you both need to buy breakfast and lunch out every day?
You need to have a closer look at things. And you need to be able to sit and have a proper conversation with your H.
It is stupid to be living on one meal a day and not saying something. I cannot think that he was thinking he was buying enough? Surely anyone would know if they were buying food for 14 meals at home (2 adults x 7 nights) what about other meals!
Your expenses are not going to drop because he has less far to commute as he can cycle because yours are going to treble. So his expenses may be going down but yours will not be.
He cannot say he is taking x of your salary. You need to sit and discuss it will all relevant information. His income, your income, any debts plus all bills/costs etc.
You work out how between you to pay these off over what time scale. Not that one of you is run into the ground travelling over an hour, pregnant and learning a new job without enough money to even eat properly again while the other cruises and has less stress.
If he is being unreasonable you simply don't pay it over from your account to his. He cannot force you.
This is supposed to be a partnership/relationship.
You need to resolve this fairly between you or you will be giving him all of your pay packet for the next year/5 years depending on number of kids and maternity leave.
If this was posted by a mansaying he was expected to put his wage into the "pot" but didnt want to then there would be uproar as the wife of course should have access to it all.
You can have seperate finances as a couple just as well as joint ones. Him wanting to get his account back into the black, given your new job is zero hour contract and you are pregnant before starting it so no smp, is a wise move. If you can afford the share of bills and savings amount he is asking for then talk like adults rather than being petty saying he is taking your salary.
May I ask how old you both are? Just your coming across quite young. I'm half wondering if we are approaching it a bit wrong by coming at you as if you are mid 30's.
If you are mid 30s then I'm stumped for a bit. Will keep watching and come back on....
I'm married - it all goes into the one pot and neither of us abuses that or begrudges a penny to the other. It's worked for 15 years. Just as well too as I am a sahm and so have no earnings of my own as such. It's a partnership - I think your dh needs to learn that now rather than wait til dc comes along and you're splitting the cost of formula/nappies/calpol, etc.
FWIW I would not hand over a penny. If he's not willing to change (and grow up) then you'll need it.
You def don't need to be on the deeds. There is a form on land registry to fill in to notify the house as spousal occupied. This is for both of you. Means house cannot be sold out from under you without your agreement.
Other mners told me about it. It works too
'FWIW I would not hand over a penny. If he's not willing to change (and grow up) then you'll need it.'
Grow up? He's just supported the OP for 6 months with no income, that sounds responsible to me.
And if they don't discuss finances properly, and she hangs on to whatever she makes with her 0 hour contract, what sort of a family life will that be?
How if he then decides to be as petty?
Very responsible innit, to not notice your pregnant wife has much in common with the starving in Africa
You're right eyes I am not paying attention (juggling bedtime with browsing MN: TSK!)
I suppose I mean shared bills.
I'll just bow out gracefully now and finish the three little pigs....
The op has already said she doesn't want to share her new income, I'm really not seeing that her dh is the big bad ogre that everyone else thinks. I suspect that he wants to get back on an even keel, after having supported them both on 20k salary for the last 6 months. And for everyone saying that £250 per month is not enough, there is obviously not a lot of spare cash for this couple, so perhaps £250pm HAS to be enough
my earlier post looked a bit hectoring....sorry. That wasn't my intention. Just don't like the thought of someone hungry, or uncomfortable in their clothes, yet not feeling able to say anything about it.
But there's a difference between paying the majority of her salary into a joint account to pay joint bills and handing it over to her DH to do what he wants with it. At the very least its not an equal partnership.
Maybe if he stopped buying his breakfast AND lunch on the way to work there would of been more money for you to be able to eat
I know the problem is bigger than this...but OP cant you see this is wrong and unfair and the tip of the iceberg
'Very responsible innit, to not notice your pregnant wife has much in common with the starving in Africa'
' I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant)'
Oh AnyFucker, you old drama llama you.
FWIW I have two meals a day, breakfast and dinner, and sadly if I look like anyone African at all it is Mma Ramotswe. I wouldn't dream of asking the OP how much she weighed before she quit her job.
Um, I don't get this - I presume as you're saying "DH" that you're married so surely what's yours is his and what's his is yours? You are now feeding and growing his baby, so he should be letting you have free reign over your own money! I'd be giving him some stern words.
Izchaz, I am very sad for you. I believe you self limited to one meal a day. This is not a normal circumstance of marriage, especially if your husband was filling his belly to his satisfaction. You are now pregnant. You have the right to good food in any amount you wish. You have the right to treat your wages as you wish. Please do contact Woman's Aid. They have valuable information that may help you. You and your baby deserve more.
I am going back to work and we have a joint and two separate accounts. We have agreed to contribute a percentage if each salary towards the bills, savings etc. that way it is equal based on the gap between our salaries.
What's left will be our own to spend/save as we see fit.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
'I'd be giving him some stern words.'
I think that the majority of us are saying words need to be had, along with explanations and mutual analysis of income, essentials and extras.
Sorry but you've had duff advice re the mortgage.
You can go on the mortgage and be registered as joint title holder. You can stay off the mortgage and still be registered as joint title holder. Am also in Scotland and professionally involved in this kind of area.
How can you personally have financial assets tied up in property if you don't have your name on the title ? Are you not selling your existing house ?
OP - I really think you need independent advice re going on the deeds of the house (and I mean independent of your husband - not the adviser your used) - maybe try Shelter Scotland.
You honestly don't both need to go to a bank at the same time to open an account. One of you can start the process and another could pop into the branch at another date with identity documents.
You might even be able to do it online now...
Have you come across the concept of equal discretionary spending money?
So regardless of what each earns you have the same to spend on frivolous things (= books/CDs) not basic food.
What does your husband spend money on?
No drama llama'ing here
Op didn't feel able to tell her partner she wasn't getting enough to eat
Now she feels she can't spend money on clothes, even though she has none that fit
She is concerned at tipping up her wage in case he "fritters it away"
there is plenty here to get "dramatic" about, IMO
I'd like to see some of you "separate accounts" proponents living like this
He sounds like a tight bastard to me OP. Why the fuck does he want the money back? Did he take out a loan or something? Or does he just want to see his bank balance swell back to its previous level. What a horrible, tight-fisted, measly man - no wonder he has never had a girlfriend before.
FWIW I am married myself and would never dream of asking my wife to pay me money back each month out of her wage just because she had the misfortune to be out of work for a while. Jeeeez, some men are such cunts.
I was added to my husbands existing bank account when we moved in together. He picked up the relevant form from the bank and we filled it is as necessary. Then I dropped it in another day. At no point did we both have to go to the bank together.
It is perfectly possible to open bank accounts online and drop in the required ID at a later time.
sorry - not interested in ins and outs of finances, you are a family. you dont 'cost' him anything things cost . thats it
your combined wages shoudl pay bills. anything surplus should be divided equally.
that he should tell you you can 'only have' anyhing indicates either
1) you are too stupid to caluclate your own finances
2)he controls the money
tell him to do one
I'd be more mad at your employers for cocking about for 6 months tbh.
I am just trying to put myself into the mindset of somebody who would happily confiscate the majority of the disposable income of somebody they supposedly loved, and who would be happy to see them go without just for the sake of getting back what was 'theirs'. I can't.
Am I reading a different thread. If the OP should hang on to her non existent wages - then is the husband supposed to just suck it up and continue paying for everything as he has done while she has carte Blanche to do as she likes?
I really am last here. And I don't believe there wasn't at least bread or cereal in the house to eat.
One thing that jumps out at me here is the fact that he buys breakfast and lunch on the way to work, while you ate nothing because he wasn't buying enough food for you to do so. Why the hell doesn't he make breakfast and lunch and take it to work?! A person could easily spend upwards of £50 a week buying lunch and breakfast out, which is a hell of a dent in finances. And YOU are costing HIM?
I'd bet you any amount when the baby comes all the baby related expenses will come from your wage.
he hated my old job more than I did
I have been financially dependent on DH
DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances
he owns our house
our major outgoing is his commute
Which one of these statements doesn't portray your husband as controlling ? Fair is if you earn 1/3 of the income, you pay 1/3 of the outgoings and you own 1/3 of the assets and are responsible for 1/3 of the debts. Normal for a family is to not be so pedantic and an equal division of all regardless of who earns what and it's generally the woman who earns less but contributes more to the family members and the household which brings the fairness back to an extent.
Neither normal nor fair is your husband's view of supporting, or rather not supporting, his pregnant wife. You really need to get this sorted before the baby comes. Have you considered how he's going to feel about supporting you financially during maternity leave ?
I also cannot put myself in the mindset of someone who would restrict themself to one meal a day in an effort to "not rock the boat"
I would be hollering my fucking head off
unless I was in an abusive and controlling relationship, of course
Op tells us not, though
a bit of a contradiction there, IMO
But the point is the money is to go towards household expenses and not for your DH to squander on whatever men squander things on. I know some couples do manage quite well with separate accounts but it doesn't seem to be working in your case. This my money and your money is I think hopeless especially if you are on maternity leave.
It sounds as if you're both on quite a tight budget which isn't easy. And you shouldn't have been paying your student loan when you weren't earning.
The way he refers to you filling the hole in "his" finances makes it sound like you are two single housemates rather than a married couple.
What little we have goes into one bank account, it used to be both of our full time wages, then maternity pay, then for a few months, nothing from me at all, until baby was a few months and I started going out to teach in the evenings part-time.
Not once have I ever been made to feel like the money in the account is somehow less mine or that I'm somehow indebted to the account.
I'd feel very uncomfortable with my husband if I thought that was his view of things.
Everything needs to be discussed and agreed on really so there's no resentment. Laying down terms isn't the way to run things.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I don't want to bang on about it and I can only speak from my own experience but because having a stake in the home I live in in so important to me, I just want to say this again. I have a not so irrational fear of being homeless.
When I married my husband, I was working but didn't have a bean in savings or assets. He owned a home, put it on the market and we bought another, the equity in his first home was a substantial deposit and he got a mortgage for the rest of it. I didn't put in a penny either for deposit or for the mortgage but my name was on the deeds. It was not in Scotland but surely, your husband can put your name on the deeds. If he has the mortgage already, how can it make any difference in that sense? Anyway, why do you have a mortgage advisor of your own? What was the need for that?
I love my husband and I didn't marry him for his money but I could not have rested easy if I had no say about the roof that I lived under and once I had a child, it became even more important. I would sort that out before anthing else.
Has he calculated how much you'll cost him on mat leave? How long will you be paying him back for that?
Ok I'm wondering:
Why a person would give up an NHS salaried role for a zero hours contract and then wait around for 6 months for it to start - whilst ttc so effectively limiting and losing much decent maternity entitlements.
How any NHS paperwork gets so screwed up as to delay for that long and the post still be needed
How a couple earning between them perhaps £40,000 , half of which is not certain, can have assets tied up in a property that they cannot extricate AND afford to buy another house based solely on the £20,000 income of the party. The mortgage company will ask btw if any dependants are living there. If your husband doesn't tell them you are I think they would view that as fraud.
Why on a thread about your relationship with your husband you wouldn't mention a previously quoted fact that he had a long standing affair.
Something is seriously up on this here thread.
I'm the first girlfriend (now wife) he's ever successfully live with, and not because I take a lot of flak either)
[Hmm] I remember your earlier threads. I think you have an unusual view of what is a successful marriage.
You DH sounds awful.
I don't know why you would chose to have a child with him.
I hope it's not real, either, but having been the sole wage earner for 5 years, I just don't get all this 'I cost him', I need to pay him back and shit.
I mean, DH and I, we are a team. We are people who love each other and have children together, not flatmates who borrow money from each other.
Swings and roundabouts, not pounds and pence.
I mean, separate food?
And to all those telling her she needs to bring along breakfast and lunch, so does he!
Sorry, but I wouldn't go along with that commute. There would needs be a compromise, but that doesn't seem to be a word in your relationship.
'For better or worse, though I will hold my support during any worst times against you and expecting payback'.
Agree with you expat. What is the point of marriage if you don't share? WTF? There have been a few threads like this here lately.. I've never heard about anyone having these kinds of arrangements in real life marriages. It's just all shared. Why would you deny your spouse (male or female, working, SAHM, whatever), who you presumably love, trust and want to spend your life with, life's little luxuries or FOOD, FFS? Why degrade them and make them ask for money? It's a marriage, not a flat-mate arrangement! He obviously doesn't love you enough, OP, and sounds a bit unhinged, as well.
I'm late to the thread, but I have to add something of my own for you OP.
My DH voluntarily left work THE DAY we got married (I agreed of course!) After a year spent gaining an MBA he was unable to get work that he wanted (but was offered work and turned it down), so I continued to support him, the house, the bills, food, heat, light, cars... everything even whilst pregnant. I supported him through a year of unemployment and continued to support him through a law degree and Legal Practice Course. He is now a solicitor...and it is my turn...I have left a really well paid job to become a student again. My point is, I have never asked for a penny back. In fact, where would we start? I love my husband more than money, so I have never even attempted to keep score.
I really feel for you OP, that you feel that there should be a score to keep. Times might be tough, they were for us. Unemployment is difficult enough to cope with without a resentful spouse, and was he really so clueless that he didn't realise that he provided no food for you during the day? Loving spouses share what resources they have...and count no cost. I think it is a time for a real heart to heart - at least then you will know where you stand.
Its not 'his finances' it is yours jointly.You weren't spending 'his' money it was your money.All the money should be pooled and you each spend what you need. What a shocker your husband sounds [I am only on page one so maybe he will have a miraculous transformation when I press post].
Why couldn't you tell him you didn't have enough food? That's very sad that you felt unable or unwilling to tell him.
Why did you not just go to the shop? Are you very isolated, or are you kept isolayed. Did you not have any money?
Your DH does sound controlling. You say he's not. If he's not controlling, and is in fact a good bloke, then why didn't you speak up, or else just take action to feed & look after yourself?
Stupid bloody phone
You canbe on the deeds of the house without being on the mortgage. I AM. I'm a SAHM.
The pair of you need to sit down and talk about finances sensibly. Point out how little food you had and make a plan together how to save for the baby. If this isn't possible, leave.
I know this sounds harsh but if you are moving to see more of his mother who has terminal cancer, is it really the right move?
If its terminal, in the not too distant future she won't be around and is it really the place you want to be for the foreseeable?
It all seems a bit knee-jerk and self centred on his part to me. Renting to be closer to her is one the but buying somewhere is quite another.
I haven't read any of the OP's other threads, so am a bit confused about the references to them including affairs etc, but it sounds to me as though the situation is as much of OP's making as her husband. Surely nobody actually buys 'meals' in a way that there is only enough to prepare two dinners every night for a week, so if the OP was choosing not to eat and choosing not to mention that to her husband, then surely we can't blame him for not noticing that the food wasn't being depleted as quickly as one might have expected. I could eat nothing but dust and bogeys for a month and my husband probably wouldn't notice as he doesn't really keep track of what's in the cupboard and assumes that as an adult I will take care of myself so I think there might be an element of martyrdom here which isn't necessarily the OP's fault, but certainly isn't solely her husband's. Same with the jeans - OP have you actually mentioned that you are uncomfortable? Or are you hoping the he will volunteer money for jeans he doesn't know you need? And you won't actually have any guaranteed income, after this 6 month wait for a role at all? The whole set up just makes no sense to me, but I am at a loss as to pinpoint who is responsible for the problems out of the two of you.
OP. Spreadsheet. In column, all earnings, out column, all bills.
Whatever is left over is your money. For both of you. You jointly decide what % of that you put aside in savings, and neither of you dip into savings without asking/discussing.
It doesn't matter whose account/jointaccount.
If you propose this and he reacts poorly you should be very worried.
What are your plans for after the baby is born. Will you be a SAHM? Will you go straight back to work? How long a maternity leave will he allow? Who will pay child care costs? Whose responsibility will it be to pick up and drop off at childminder/nursery? Who will take time off work when baby is sick?
I am also confused about the people that think the OP's OH is controlling as I know that I am in a great and equal relationship and we have done a similar thing. I was out of work for a while on 2 different occasions and my OH filled the hole with his credit card (mainly food shopping). I led a pretty frugal lifestyle (although 3 meals a day there was no going out ect) Now I am working he is keen to pay off his credit card and having looked at my wages he thought that £500 a month was fair (he is paying the same into it each month and doesn't earn as much as I do). This leaves me (after travel and buying lunch) enough for a couple of nights out a month or a new piece of clothing. We both pay into a joint account (although as the higher earner I pay more) and have a separate account each as well. Perhaps it was they way he put it "lets get this thing paid off as quickly as possible" but I think this is fair.
Is this not the same as the OP?
You were paying some of HIS mortgage while you were working, OP, am I right?
You've paid off, say, several grand, of his debt, contributed to HIS investment, but will get nothing out of it?
You need to be on the deeds stat! Have you proof of these payments?
Strip this right back, he lent you money and now wants you to pay it back, which you shouldn't have to do within a marriage, let alone have the terms of that payback stipulated to you.
Ask him to balance it against your mortgage contributions.
This situation sounds ridiculously fucked up, and much of it of the OP's own making.
OP how old are you and your DH?
This is so messed up. If you're in a partnership where you feel the need to have "his" and "hers" finances, them you shouldn't be together in the first place. Yikes.
I really don't understand the food thing.
He was in full time employment, you weren't. You had a job lined up so you didn't need to spend any time job hunting. No children, two cars.
Why was he the one doing the food shopping?
Surely it would make more sense for you to do it, as it sounds like you had plenty of free time. If you combined the weekly grocery budget with the money he was spending on buying breakfast and lunch every day, you would have had plenty of money to buy enough food for you both to eat three meals a day. Did you ever discuss this with him?
You're married, not flatmates. You're supposed to be a team, not every man for himself.
To be honest I think it's very sad that a grown up person would feel unable to tell her husband that he wasn't buying enough food.
That's what bothers me about this.
DH and I have been skint. There have been periods of time over the last 16 years when one of us was not working. There was the time when we were both out of work at the same time.
We had to budget hard, we had to cut back on stuff, do basic shopping etc.
but we did it together
We worked out our incomings and outgoings, worked out how much we had to spend on food and made sure that within that budget, everyone could eat.
Yes, I suppose in a way, you could say that the ops DH is being sensible, trying to get the money back and build up a bit of security and that of course it's only right that the OP contributes a certain percentage to the running of the house.
But. It's not healthy, surely to not be able to say "you didn't buy enough food for lunch, can you get bread and cheese on the way home?"
It's not healthy to be told how much of your money you are allowed to keep.
If the OP and her DH went through all the finances, worked out how much the bills etc were, and how much they had left as personal spending money then that is different.
But it reads as though the DH has decided this without any discussion or agreement.
So what, when you get right down to it is in it for you?
Why are you in this relationship?
It sounds messed up.
I don't understand relationships where it is just so unequal, I can get my head around wanting separate finances (though hell would freeze over before I agreed to it) but some of the things mentioned on here just blow my mind.
Communication between the two of you is truly appalling.
You can't make decent arrangements between you about money or even about food. If you have a baby this is likely to get worse not better.
OP your idea of what a relationship is is quite messed up imo. What kind of relationship did your parents have?
There's one practical reason why you have to put your foot down. This arrangement "is to go on until I go on matt leave". What are the odds that you'll clear your "debt" and when you go on maternity leave he'll have the mindset that you're building up another "debt"?
If you can't get him to accept that he should behave as a partner in your marriage, you need to be seeing a solicitor.
This whole issue is only going to become more problematic once you have the baby. Presumably a zero hours contract and having had a 6 months ' gap may rule you out of claiming much other than possibly MA. You'll get Child Benefit and maybe some Tax credits(although it will be Universal Credit by then) but will he hold on to all that too , as security against your "debt" for not earning. Why were you paying your student loan when not earning btw, I thought you had to be earning a minimum amount?
Looking from the outside in he is very controlling and I really am not sure how he is going to cope with the financial and practical ups and downs of life with a baby in the household. Can you cope with the living on eggshells and frugality this may demand to maintain the status quo. Please try to resolve this before then .
I think things haven't been very clear. The op said that the £150 and £250 were for food and bills. Later this is clarified as lunch at work, mobile and car insurance. I'm guessing the op will also be doing 3 shifts a week so not many lunches at that. I think this puts a different spin on it.
Also at times the husband is frittering the money then it is clarified he is using to pay of debt accrued.
If the husband is on 20k and takes home 1100 per month and the op used to contribute £500 toward bills mortgage and food when she worked before. If he paid the same that puts their fixed out goings at £1000 a month. So maybe they were both living on £150 per month? Without knowing how much husband was surviving on its hard to know what to think.
So now they have £2000 coming in, £1000 on basics. Maybe they each are getting £250 and £500 to pay off the debt?
I have no idea, maybe he is a controlling bastard. Maybe he is not but I don't feel we have the whole story.
Also couldn't you have got a bit of temp work in the 6 months?
It also sounds Like op has gotten a job on a healthcare assistant bank rota so may get no shifts at all. I wouldn't quit a job for that.
I think poor communication and poor planning are at the heart of this and with the best will in the world op, this needs sorting as things will not get better with a baby in the mix.
DH and I have been through periods of unemployment, stints as SAH Parents, maternity leave etc during our 12 years of marriage. We have a little rule. The first pay in a new job after a work break does not go into the family pot. It's all theirs to do with what they want. Usually this consists of getting a haircut and new clothes/shoes for the new job. Inevitably most of the pay ends up in the family pot anyway, but it's nice after some austerity to feel back in control and flush for a short time.
I can't get my head round this either.
Op didn't need to tell her dh that she was only eating one meal. If the man has eyes, he would have realised this, without being told. He did the food ordering. He opens the fridge, he can see what has been eaten since... yesterday, this morning etc. Its not the krypton factor. Its kind of there, in your face.
I agree the relationship and communication here sounds very...odd.
Why do you feel indebted to him?
Why did you feel so indebted that you felt unable to tell him you were starving yourself to save money? Did he make the same sacrifice?
If he lost his job would you count ever penny he 'owed' and work put a repayment plan for him?
If your child is born with some disability/illness resulting in one of you being unable to continue work would this 'owing money' thing continue?
When you quit your job did you, together, have a financial plan in place?
When it became obvious it was not going to be 6 weeks did you, together, work out a Plan B for your new situation?
Do you have a budget at all? How is 'his' financial situation, since everything is separate?
I don't think the OP will be back. I think the replies on this thread would make difficult reaing for her. I hope it gets her to have a good think about her situation.
She has only been with her Dh two years and he had a affair before and after they were married and she couldn't tell him she was only eating one meal a day
The house ownership and the money issues are more reasons that something is very wrong.
It is a very sad situation.
I'm another one who can't get my head round this situation. My marriage doesn't work like that. DH and. I both work and our wages go into a joint account which we are both able to access when we want, We also have other separate savings accounts, I was a SAHM for a long time when my children were small so DH was supporting me and it would never have crossed his mind that I owed him money and needed to pay it back.
You should counter by charging him to carry his unborn child around in your body for 9 months !
You should counter by charging him to carry his unborn child around in your body for 9 months !
I am very by this thread. Op makes no mention of dh's affair and another poster seems to suggest that this is the op's 3rd child while the op suggests it is their 1st?
Whats going on?
I dont think the info given makes it possible to determine whether OP's husband is taking all of her money as he feels that she owes him, or whether there is a sensible rationale behind leaving her £250 a month to 'spend' and the rest is going into the pot so to speak, however some of the language used by her is quite indicative that whats his is his, and whats hers is thiers.
She says 'one of our major outgoings is his commute, and we had nearly cleared his overdraft, while at the same time saying how she, not they will clear hers.
I also fail to understand how she can be financially tied up in a house that isnt also in your name? I understand living with a partner who owns a house and contributing in the sense that you dont want to live thier rent free while they have all of the financial burden, in this case I would insist on paying my way. But once you are married and start a family, these expenses become both of yours, regardless of who is earning the money, they are paid on behalf of you all as a family, out of the family's money.
Dont get me wrong, each to thier own in terms of how seperate or together a married couple's finances are, and in my own marriage (and baby on the way so about to go on MAT leave), we have sat down and looked at what comes in, and what needs to go out, allocated an amount of money per month for each of us to spend how we wish (equal, even though ill be bringing in much less) and the remainder of the money will be ours as a family. Im not saying this is the right way for everyone, but whilst I agree that how we spend our family money should be a joint decision, i couldnt bear the thought of feeling guilty for buying myself a new pair of expensive shoes if i wanted them, or resenting my DH for splashing out on something for himself that I see as unnecessary if it comes out of 'our' money. So think its important that we keep a little bit back for ourselves to do whatever we want with.
This is financial abuse.
If he was doing the shopping, then he knew what he was buying and he knew that it wasn't enough for you to be able to eat. Nobody is stupid enough not to realise that.
You think he "supported you" over the last few months? I'd say he barely bothered to keep you alive.
You seriously need to ring Women's Aid for help with this abusive relationship, now.
You are the first person he has 'successfully lived with'. What's that about? Why did his previous relationships break up?
I don't think it's disturbing you have separate finances what I find worrying is that you can't talk to your DH about money.
God know mine can be difficult about having money conversations - zero interest in finance -but we do have them and we compromise.
If your DH wants to clear the over draft - that makes sense but the specifies of how much you and he put towards that need to be talked through - and you need to talk about the upcoming costs of the baby and what happens after.
I do wonder how much information about your finances you have given him - as you did not tell him he wasn't buying enough food as 'hid' the issue from him rather than using up what you had in and letting him 'realize' that it was being used more frequently than normal.
I'm not sure it reasonable to expect him to guesses - its takes us some adjusting that we eat more the weeks DH is around than weeks he works away.
How very peculiar.
What I want to know is why OP was making student loan repayments when she wasn't working.
What I want to know is what on earth NHS job the OP has which wouldn't let her start a zero hours contract for 6 months whilst they arranged 'training days'. I have racked my brains and I can't work it out
I think NHS nurse bank workers may have zero hour contacts and would probably need induction training days such as manual handling, infection control, POVA training etc.
Might also be the case for other temp contract workers like phlebotomists and HCAs.
Just a thought.
Yes that kind of training could be applicable but it happens all the time because people constantly need join and need it. You tend to agree a start date and book people on asap after that. Six months is a long time to wait to get all the dates and tbh bank is something that a lot of people do as well as another job rather than something you would give up a permanent role for. If that's what the OP has done (whilst she was ttc) then all I can say is that was not the best ever decision!
I don't get it at all.
"Dh - when you are doing the shopping could you get an extra loaf of bread and some ham and cheese so I can use them to make my sandwiches."
Problem solved at a cost of maybe £5 per week.
You were ttcing right? Did it not occur to you that not eating is not the most sensible way of saving money what with your body being used to grow a baby?
And how about for the money situation now:-
We should do a spreadsheet to work out what money we have and will need. My commute is going to go up and I really really need some maternity clothes before my current jeans chop the baby's leg off."
If you can't have that discussion then there is something really really wrong with your marriage!
Hi all, thanks for the input and apologies for my absence - very very hectic few days.
Have sat down and arranged more flexible terms for our respective paychecks - my main point in posting on here was quite literally to find out if I was being unreasonable, in which case I could re-hash what we had discussed already. There are lots of wee fiddly questions that have been asked which I feel are more for the edification of the poster who asks than for clarification, so I'm not going to in to them.
Anyway, thanks again for the input.
Good news, glad everything is OK
Sure Op - don't worry about fiddly questions like what on earth were you thinking?
. Err what? Not really sure where you are now but I hope you have really read all the posts. You have been given a lot things to think about. I didnt think that the distribution of money was the biggest problem by a long shot.
Good luck OP.
I'm a bit confused, sorry.
But it sounds as though your DH has a better grasp of your family finances than you do and he's letting you know that to stay afloat and be financially prepared for your baby(congratulations) and that you are not happy with the amount of spending money he's suggesting you're left with to cover clothes, "work food" and personal bils (like your phone).
Is this the case?
I don't understand why he did the food shopping when you were at home, or why you restricted your diet to save money.
Is this about paying him back? Or straightening your finances?
And after being so extreme in your frugal actions, it seems incongruous to now be wanting to buy lunch rather take a sandwich to work or consider a more budget conscious way of shopping for maternity clothes (eBay would be full of barely worn lovely stuff.)
So please excuse my ignorance.
But I think I can understand that after being so tight with cash when not working you might have been looking forward to having the extra money.
Is that why you were so keen not to "cost him" much? So you could keep your earnings without feeling selfish?
ichaz I hope you are doing o.k and feeling a little bit better. I am actually quite shocked at the alarmist comments on here!! cloudsandtrees voice of reason and balance!!!
I can honestly say that I don't know enough about your financial situation to make a judgement. It is ridiculously strong to suggest this situation is financial abuse!!
What i do know from my own situation is this.
I (probably like you maybe?!) have been financially independent for a really long time. Pooling money with anyone has been a real struggle and I HATE being reliant on anyone! Since shortly before getting married (Have been in relationship for 9 years, married for two and a bit) me and DH mellowed. we have kind of supported each other at different points and have a joint account which we both pay into. This covers the bills. we have had different arrangements that suit us at different time depending on circumstances.
There are occasional 'flash point's around money (small tensions) when circumstances change but we iron them out.
You need to be able to speak to your DH about this. You have deprived yourself of the things you need, food and a social life!! As a person who has been utterly frugal at times I can identify with why you have chosen to do this. If this is the culture in your marriage then perhaps you need to look at changing it.
I would be a bit worried if you say you feel like you can't stand up to him. You are newly pregnant and you need stuff.
I would advise you to talk to him. If you can't talk to him (even have a good HEALTHY row!) then you have got something to worry about and this needs sorting.
The hole in his finance is a hole in the FAMILY finances. Everything changes when you get pregnant/start a family. I really hope you come back to this board and read some more optimistic perspectives.
To the people who have called OP's DH a cunt and abusive Calling him 'abusive and a cunt' is really strong and doesn't help the OP one bit. It is not really clear whether OP has decided herself whether to deprive herself. I bet she's feeling even worse having been on here.....
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