To not have paid.

(66 Posts)
Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 16:45:26

Last week I started a thread, about my little boy being bullied and that it was a friends child who was doing so, a fall out incurred and I've not spoken to the mother since then.

Friend owns a freind of ours a small amount of money (under 5) so I asked today if she could give dh it, as the person was asking for the money. (Dh would have seen her at pick up time)

She text me a hour later, stating that if I was going to be childish, then she was too.

Last week,(before the fallout) was her oldest child's birthday. I assumed she invited both of my children as she booked a lane for the smaller children and a lane for the older children, and also booked the table for the meal, for ALL children. No money was mentioned at all.

However apparently I must have some kind of telepathy as apparently I should have known she was a mum on benefits and I should have paid for my youngest meal.

So she paid for the both my children's bowling, and meals, however apparently I was supposed to pay for my youngest meal only.

So she's asked for the money back, which means I now owe her the amount I asked for.

My dh was at the party, she did not mention at all that he should have paid for our youngest meal/ nor did she ask for payment, we would have happily have paid for both children.

Aibu to have assumed I didn't pay for the party invitation?

Tbh I've paid her the difference now.

Squitten Thu 20-Jun-13 16:47:11

If your ex-friend owes someone else money, why on earth are you putting yourself into the middle of it?

SisterMatic Thu 20-Jun-13 16:49:01

Im confused.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Thu 20-Jun-13 16:49:58

YWNBU but to be honest I'd just let it go. It sounds like she was pissed off you asked for the money when she's paying for your DCs to go to the party. So she made out that she was expecting payment for one of their meals miraculously cancelling out her debt to you. I'd just let it go given that there's such a small amount of money involved.

SoleSource Thu 20-Jun-13 16:50:04

All seems a bit.petty

HeySoulSister Thu 20-Jun-13 16:51:27

petty and childish

Pancakeflipper Thu 20-Jun-13 16:52:41

I think you should all take a nice big step away from other.

MrsPennyapple Thu 20-Jun-13 16:53:11

If someone was taking my child or children bowling I would assume there would be something to pay, so would have asked how much.

But as a pp said, if she owes someone else, why are you even involved?

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 16:54:30

It was something dh got her through his work colleague, that she specifically asked dh to get, hence dh was the go between.

Dh asked me to ask for the money as he rarely see's her, but knowing he would today asked me to ask.

EarlyInTheMorning Thu 20-Jun-13 16:55:53

1. Why on earth did you ask her for your friend's money back? What's it got to do with you?

2. Why did you assume that your youngest DS was invited to the party? What did the invitation say exactly?

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 16:57:32

Very petty indeed.

Tbh this was a birthday invitation, she invited 8 older ones and 3 younger ones, none of them were asked to pay, she's hasn't asked for payment for my older child, just my youngest.

The one that she has a massive problem with, hence me ending the friendship.

Struggling to work out who the grown ups are in this.... yaBOTHbu.

Struggling to work out who the grown ups are in this.... yaBOTHbu.

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:00:43

She specifically invited ds2, invitation wrote in both children's name and I have text messages confirming this, she also had two lanes one for the older children and one for the youngest children.

She had paid the bowling for him, as apparently he was invited to that, but not the meal. But she booked a seat for him, as well as the other young children.

Geordieminx Thu 20-Jun-13 17:02:20

Was in Sharon?

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:02:30

I can assure you I'm very much a responsible adult.

I would have paid, paying would not have been a issue,
Dh was their.
She hasn't asked anyone else for payment, just me for my youngest son, a week on.

Floggingmolly Thu 20-Jun-13 17:09:01

How much did the meal cost? If she named your younger child on the invitation she should not be charging for the meal... hmm
You'll know to refuse any further invitations!

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:18:05

She said 7.99 for the meal, meal, dessert, drink.

So - the amount I asked her for, I owed her 3.99. Which I happily paid for.

Payment was never a issue.

I ended the friendship due to her feelings of disregard and hatred of ds.

Tbh here too, you don't pay for a party invitation, if dc go without us, we always give them money, however a few have been massively offended when we/other have done this.

If I've asked for a child to attend my child's birthday celebration, it wouldn't even occur to me to charge the parents, it's my invitation.

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:20:11

She hasn't asked for payment for ds1, only ds2.

The other younger children who attended, meals were paid for by her.

NotSoNervous Thu 20-Jun-13 17:21:04

If she doesn't owe you the money then why on earth are you getting involved? To me that's asking for trouble but I don't think you should have paid for the bowling thing either

Floggingmolly Thu 20-Jun-13 17:22:21

Of course she shouldn't have charged, she's being a total cow.
No loss at all.

Dackyduddles Thu 20-Jun-13 17:22:50

Are you both under 25.......?

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:29:36

Not so nervous, I've already explained it.

Basically I brought something from a work colleague of dh, she liked it and asked if she could get one.

I asked dh, dh got it and a week later dh was still waiting for the money, Dh knew he was collecting ds2 today and he asked me to mention it, so she could give him the money when he sees her.

Apparently this is me being childish, for asking her to pay dh the she owes his work colleague who had been asking for the money.

It genuinely wasn't, I asked as dh never sees her.

Even freinds who were at the party are now texting me saying she's kicking off, at me asking for the money owed, and now they don't know whether to pay her for the party invitation.

AlistairSim Thu 20-Jun-13 17:34:45

She sounds like a right old pain in the arse.

Don't get drawn into it.

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:35:51

My part in this is a simple, X, dh is collecting ds today, would you be able to give him the money for X

That's it, she send me the message saying I was being childish and in that case she wants the money for ds2 meal.

I phoned dh, and dh gave her the money we now owed her.

So that was our exchange.

I was asking if I was being UR to not have known I should have paid for his meal.

She is happy paying ds1&2 bowling.

Happy at paying ds1 meal but not happy at paying for ds2 meal.

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:36:29

And I completely agree that it's childish.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 20-Jun-13 17:38:48

You both sound pathetic.

Why would you ask her for money, even if under normal circumstances it would have been no problem, when you've just had a falling out with her.

You should have told your DH that you weren't on the best terms with this person so you'd rather not be involved in asking for the money. Instead, you chose to ask and risk stirring up trouble.

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:44:20

I wasn't stirring anything up, she wouldn't have seen dh. And dh needed the money hence I asked.

I agree it's pathetic.

However I certainly wasn't stirring and dh is well aware of the circumstances involved, however he needed the money and I was the only person to ask for it.

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 17:45:49

Anyway this isn't about me asking for the money, it was about her asking me for the money for her inviting dc to a party.

Tomorrowslookingfine Thu 20-Jun-13 17:50:32

How much was the item your DH got for her?

lookingfoxy Thu 20-Jun-13 18:05:28

Yanbu, however I would just write off the money snd have no more contact.

Shutupanddrive Thu 20-Jun-13 18:34:49

I would just tell her to forget about the money, and cut her off completely

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 18:41:36

I've already cut her off, and I paid her the money I owed her.

Icelollycraving Thu 20-Jun-13 18:49:30

I think I follow,so you asked her for £3.99? grin

Icelollycraving Thu 20-Jun-13 18:50:57

Sorry,don't know why I put a big old grinning face. I am perplexed.

SarahAndFuck Thu 20-Jun-13 18:51:37


I think remember your other thread.

Her child was part of a group making fun of your child's speech and language issues at school, the school dealt with it badly by asking you to speak to the other parents and she refused to accept that her child was bullying yours, claimed the school was happy with her daughter and that was all she cared about.

So you had to go back to the school and ask them to deal with it properly.

That's the thread isn't it?

And now she has asked a colleague of your DH's, via you and him, to sell her something but hasn't paid for it.

And because the order was placed via you and him, said colleague has gone through you both to ask her to pay what she owes.

So you spoke to her in the morning so she could bring the money in the afternoon to pass on to your DH.

Which means it was quite reasonable for you to speak to her about the money she owes, that's what the colleague has asked you and your DH to do.

And now she has admitted that she's feeling petty and insisted you actually owe her money for a birthday party she invited your children to and didn't ask for payment for before the bullying issue came up at school.

She's a loon. And she knows that her child is in the wrong and that she's made a total dick of herself by carrying on the way she did. But she's decided to just dig the hole deeper rather than fix the issue.

Better off without her OP.

DoJo Thu 20-Jun-13 19:07:21

Am I right in thinking that this is all over £4? In which case, I would have given your husband's colleague the money myself and avoided any dealings with her rather than risk stirring up the argument between the two of you again. She is obviously being petty by asking you for payment for the party, but this is why you are no longer friends with her surely? She's just confirming that you made the right decision.

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 19:24:58

Dojo, if we had the £4 we would have paid it, however we don't get paid till next week and every last penny is accounted for till pay day.

This week, we have had to lay for a new boiler and fitting, dh mot failed, and we had to shell out for that, I've had to pay the school/childminder £600 in fees/dinner money.

And pay for a plaster to fix the Celling that the boiler has destroyed, until pay day, we have no money, as the money we have, is for DD, and 40pw shopping for a family of 4.

So paying it was not an affordable option, even if it was a measly £4 we asked for.

We have had to borrow £10, from the kids money box just to pay her, and his work colleague.

Roll on payday. We can't even take money out our savings, as his parents have our back cards and are abroad.

Altinkum Thu 20-Jun-13 19:25:29

Sarah thank you, that's exactly it.

SarahAndFuck Thu 20-Jun-13 19:34:11

I think the ex-friend owed the colleague £4.00.

The OP asked the ex-friend if she could pay her DH the money when she saw him later and the ex-friend saw a chance to get back at the OP for the bullying issues the OP had raised about her daughter the previous week.

So she told the OP she actually owes her £7.99 for one of the children's birthday meals, even though she invited that child as a guest and paid for all the other guests herself.

So the OP has paid the colleague £4.00 and the ex friend £3.99. Which I think makes her the bigger person.

It shouldn't matter how much money the ex-friend owed, she owed it and she should pay it. And it should have been entirely separate to the bullying issue.

Floggingmolly Thu 20-Jun-13 19:34:28

So you've paid her the net amount and she's still indignant at having to pay for the item she bought? confused
She's a total bitch, ignore both her and her bullying kids.
Throwing a strop and demanding payment for a child's entry to a party retrospectively is childish and vile.

DoJo Fri 21-Jun-13 00:14:36

Sorry - didn't realise that things were that stretched for you and I completely understand why this has annoyed you, but the second half of my post still applies as she has confirmed that she's not a friend you want to waste any more time with.

Altinkum Fri 21-Jun-13 06:52:46

Aw awful as this is, she's dead to me, unfortunately I have to see her everyday, as our children are in the same classes , this is a long list of things she has done, and her attitude towards my ds was the very finial straw.

Jinty64 Fri 21-Jun-13 07:11:25

Well, it has cost you more in the long run.

YANBU not to expect to pay for a children's birthday meal but YABU to expect someone who is "dead to you" to be happy to get a txt asking for money. I would have told dh just to give the money to the person owed and be done with it.

Still, small problem now solved, move on.

digerd Fri 21-Jun-13 07:16:52

YANBU. She is. But am very confused as to why your PIL have your bank card while they are abroad confused when you knew you were short of cash this month?

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 07:18:40

Stop stop stop...this is worse than kids arguing in a playground

For a start how dare you get involved in asking friend for money she owes a mutual eff all to do with you

Friendships have boundaries that you have wonder she is being petty back and asking for money bk which is still totally wrong imho...

Then for said friend to be kicking off over being asked...i would kicking off too if my personal business was bandied about. Amongst txt msgs et al....

I am suprised your friend ex or whatever hasnt personally shoved that coinage up your dhs friends arse...

In future butt out ...

DowntonTrout Fri 21-Jun-13 07:27:57

I don't think YWBU to ask for the money.

I think she is being petty and playing tit for tat.

Draw a line under the friendship. And walk away. I know what it's like- I had a fall out with a very close friend with a child in my DDs class last year. Her child wasn't even my DDs close friend- we , adults, were all close. We holidayed together as families and were at each others houses every weekend. The fall out was horrendous and it was very difficult and awkward bumping into her at school every day.

Hold your head high, chat to other people and don't let her see you're bothered. That's my advice.

DowntonTrout Fri 21-Jun-13 07:30:50

doormat she was involved because her friend asked her to get the item through her DH from his work colleague. So the money had to go back that way.

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 07:37:57

Well her dh could of asked for money bk instead of going through atling

Or dont atling and her dh talk in private...if they did he would know the friendship was already on shakey ground...lagree with other previous poster this was stirring it at its best and what even confirms it for me is that msgs are getting bandied about etc that this ex friend is kicking there is stirring going on with big wooden spoon

Explains it all really...

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 07:50:26

And the fact that her relationship was on stoney ground because the way she treats atlings son...

Excuse me if my son was being treated like crap from one of my friends she wouldnt even be in my company ...she would of been booted up the jacksy well befor any party invite

No atling has used this woman for free party invite for her kids...then striked at ex friend knowing she has forked out for huge party..for a measly 4 quid

Pathetic and nasty imho

RhondaJean Fri 21-Jun-13 07:50:58

Right so it's okay for someone to ignore their debts because they don't like the person they have to give the sum to? hmm

Alt you are absolutely not being unreasonable in this situation. I can't believe people are saying you are. I assume it was you she spoke to about getting this item in the first place
It makes no difference the amount or whether you can afford it. And as for the birthday, the only thing in my view you were bu about was taking ds2 in the first place if a child he doesn't like was birthday child/ sibling but at the same time I can understand you wanting him to try to be part of the group.

Who the fuck asks for money for a kid to go to a birthday party? And AFTER the event?

I agree with Sarah. Loon. You are well rid.

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 08:02:01

Rhondajean so its okay to accept a party invite from a person who treats your child. Like rubbish...

No its not okay to ignore debts...but i wouldnt want to associate myself. With anyone who treated my child this way inthe first place

Groovee Fri 21-Jun-13 08:02:56

I think you are well rid of this loon. You weren't unreasonable to ask her for the money for dh's colleague but her reaction shows you need to run for the hills.

HDEE Fri 21-Jun-13 08:10:21

You fall out with an awful lot of people.

D you ever wonder if its you, not them?

SarahAndFuck Fri 21-Jun-13 08:19:43

Doormat I think the party was before the bullying incident, when the children were getting along.

Then, at some part after the party had taken place, it was revealed that the ex-friend's child was bullying the OP's child.

The school (wrongly) told the OP to sort things out with the other children's parents.

One set of parents dealt with the problem, ex-friend refused to believe it of her child.

OP and her DH were then asked by his colleague to get the money they were owed and didn't have the funds to just pay it themselves.

Ex-friend saw her chance to be spiteful and petty, and she took it by asking for some money back for the party invitation.

I don't think the problems with the ex-friend in the past were about the OP's child. I think that was just the bullying incident and as she says, the final straw. Because once it was her child being treated badly, she ended the friendship. But it happened after the party.

iamadoozermum Fri 21-Jun-13 08:20:19

But doormat OP says that the party was before OP knew how DS was being treated by the other child

iamadoozermum Fri 21-Jun-13 08:21:26

X-post with Sarah who explained it all better than me smile

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 08:45:56

Last week before the fallout was childs party...what op says yes
Last week she fell out with friend coz way her ds is being treated yes as op says...
Wow alot has happened over past week hasnt it..lmakes ya think...i have read and reread and still doesnt sit right...

If anyone treated my child like this i would not of gone to party and if it happened at party i would ofbegged, borrowed to pay for my 2 child entrance and foodvand walked out...

This is all a little too convenient imho...i smell a rat and it
Leaves a nasty taste....

shewhowines Fri 21-Jun-13 08:54:26


It may not be a huge amount of money, but it is the principle of the thing.

Altinkum Fri 21-Jun-13 10:06:57

Doormat what the blooming heck are you talking about!!!

The party was 9 days ago, we had a fallout 7 days ago, I didn't text her asking for the money, I ASKED her!!

My dh can't speak to her, he works 6am to 5pm/later EVERYDAY. However he was off yesterday as he was having his medical.

As I have said previously my exchange was, a simple " x can you give dh the money for x at pick up time.

He does not speak to this women, I had brought this item, she liked it and asked ME to get her one, which I had to do through dh.

We didnt have £4 to pay for the item, dh was picking up ds2 from nursery, and asked me to ask could she bring it at nursery pick up!

Later SHE text asking for the money for ds2 meal, she paid for every childs meal, when I asked her for the money, for the item, she then said I was being childish and if that was the case she wanted the money back for ds2 meal.

She paid for everyone else's meal, and bowling, however demanded that I pay back ds2 meal. I did so happily.

As for me falling out with people, I've never fallen out with someone until last week, if you're talking about me beig bullied at work, both physically and verbally, then I really think you need to reassess what fallen out means. hmm

FYI, the people bullying me, one left, one is leaving and the other is going through the displinary procedure now.

I did not ask her to stir things up, and Sarah summed it up to a t!

Il await for the other tosh you sprout!

Bank cards are at inlaws as they booked a holiday for us, using our saving account, as mil gets a discount.

Money is not normally a issue for us, but needing major repair work done, mot failing, plastering, childcare cost etc.... In excess of £3000, money is tight, until pay day.

I'm actually wondering why the bloody hell I need to explain this.

I was only asking, if I was beig UR to not have paid for ds2, to a party he was invited too.

Considering no payment at all has been asked for ds1, only ds2 which freind has took a massive dislike too!

Hence the falling out, I don't want to be freinds with a women like this!!!

trixymalixy Fri 21-Jun-13 10:16:33


Altinkum Fri 21-Jun-13 10:27:36

The two children involved are only 3/4, like all children they absolutely adore each other, however at times they fight, sometimes it's ds, sometimes it's the other child. To me this is normal, what I noticed over time was that she never told her child off, and if ds had a toy that her dc wanted, it would be took off him, and given to her.

Her child is quite a dominate child, lovely, little miss show off, etc... Ds is shy, quite timid and very quiet, although he has his moments like any normal 3 year old. He is also speech and language delayed, and she is his little interprator at nursery.

So when it came to my attention he was being bullied by her child and a few others, school told me to speak to the parents in which I did, her attitude shone through, she really dislikes ds, that become more apparent with each text sent.

It was then I decided that no more.

I also had problem with her with my older child, and I wasn't going to continue it, to another child, it was quite difficult as both our children are in the same class, and also we have/had the same social circle, in which she's now also alienated herself from.

CookieLady Fri 21-Jun-13 10:38:38


Floggingmolly Fri 21-Jun-13 10:48:46

You don't need to explain all this to Doormat, op.
You're not in the wrong here (and I'm glad the workplace crap is being resolved (smile)

BlackeyedSusan Fri 21-Jun-13 13:49:34

you buy something, you pay for it... you were not wrong to ask her for the money. she is showing herself up as petty. it is very difficult in those circumstances not to tarred with the same brush.

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 13:52:17

I need a lie really is too short for this sort of pettiness.

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