To have politely informed this woman that I will not pay to attend her wedding

(203 Posts)
AmadeusRocks Tue 18-Jun-13 19:14:18

Received an invitation to a former colleagues wedding about 8 months ago (wedding im november this year) and was a bit shocked that they had listed out the menu inside with the price (£35 per head) underneath. Accepted the invitation thinking they were just being showy bastards and bragging about how expensive the food will be, DH thought the same, however this woman was once a good friend of mine so we accepted. I was a bit hmm about the mark Jacobs perfume on the gift list as well.

I have just received a message on Facebook as follows:

Twatwoman: hi Amadeus, sorry to bother you so soon after the birth of your new baby but was just wondering if you could possibly transfer the £70 for yours and H's meal at the wedding to me soon, the caterers are getting on our backs! Account details: XXXXXXX

Me: hi twatwoman, me and ds are fine thanks for asking, I'm a bit confused, are we paying for our own meals at our wedding?

Twatwoman: haha yes, it's a bit modern isn't it, but I suppose it's only the same as going to a restaurant but with all your friends

Me: hmmm I'm not sure it is the same really, I mean at least when I go to a restaurant I don't have to make an 80 mile round trip, sit through hours of watching you pose like a duck beside a tree, listen to your drip of a husband moan about how wonderful you are and I get to select my own food. I think me and DH will have to decline on this occasion. All the best.

She has not responded.

Aibu?

ParadiseChick Tue 18-Jun-13 19:15:41

You didn't write that did you?

scubastevie Tue 18-Jun-13 19:16:08

How bizarre! YANBU

oinkment Tue 18-Jun-13 19:16:44

Did any of that really happen OP?

NarkyNamechanger Tue 18-Jun-13 19:16:53

Did you really say that?

Dawndonna Tue 18-Jun-13 19:16:54

I like your style! grin

Doinmummy Tue 18-Jun-13 19:16:58

Blimey you're brave!

fedupofnamechanging Tue 18-Jun-13 19:17:16

Not unreasonable, but a bit blunt perhaps. Still, she is proper cheeky asking for this in the first place, so fair enough!

NatashaBee Tue 18-Jun-13 19:17:23

I would have cottoned on when the price was displayed on the menu -why else would it be there? Very cheeky though. Did you even get a choice of food?

BrianTheMole Tue 18-Jun-13 19:17:35

Well if its true, then she is unreasonable for not making it clear, and yabu for being so rude. Although it sounds like bollocks anyway.

bigkidsdidit Tue 18-Jun-13 19:17:38

You didnt really write that??

Was it not obvious from the invitation she was telling you you would need to pay?

Coconutty Tue 18-Jun-13 19:18:10

Did you mean to sound like such a bitch?

deepfriedsage Tue 18-Jun-13 19:18:18

Defiantly odd way of going about things, modern eh!

usualsuspect Tue 18-Jun-13 19:18:24

You really wrote that?

I'd say that was the end of that friendship then

OrangeLily Tue 18-Jun-13 19:18:35

If you actually wrote that it do realise that she has exploded in an absolute bridezilla rage!

Cherriesarelovely Tue 18-Jun-13 19:18:42

Very weird but clearly not someone you like much anyway judging by your final email!! Would be interested to see how many other "guests" declined on this basis, quite a few I should think!

ChaoticTranquility Tue 18-Jun-13 19:18:46

grin I would have loved to have seen her face if you did send that.

YANBU Nobody should have to pay for their meal if attending a wedding.

Branleuse Tue 18-Jun-13 19:18:50

You were both being unreasonable

HollyBerryBush Tue 18-Jun-13 19:18:58

however this woman was once a good friend of mine so we accepted

Well, one things for sure, you won't have to bother finding 60p to post a Christmas card

Feelslikea1sttimer Tue 18-Jun-13 19:19:08

Please tell me that is what you wrote...

That is a fab email!

And no YANBU, can't believe anybody would expect you to pay for your own meals!

HotCrossPun Tue 18-Jun-13 19:19:17

Suuuuure you did hmm

Fraggle3112 Tue 18-Jun-13 19:19:18

If you actually wrote that response YABVU and V rude.
YANU to politely decline, it's a stupid concept and if it wasn't clearly stated on the invites I bet a lot of guests will pull out last min!

bigkidsdidit Tue 18-Jun-13 19:19:23

No matter the etiquette of paying at weddings, you were really unbelievably rude

SoftlySoftly Tue 18-Jun-13 19:19:30

I really hope you didn't write that.

msrisotto Tue 18-Jun-13 19:19:37

There was absolutely no need for you to be so awful! What a bitch! Thought you said she was a friend?

TheRealFellatio Tue 18-Jun-13 19:19:38

I hope you didn't write that, but I must say I totally agree with you. If you can't afford a fancy wedding don't bloody have one. Simple.

howdoIdealwiththisone Tue 18-Jun-13 19:20:20

This surely isn't real. We all like to think these things but surely nobody actually says them.

If you did you sound like a nasty person.

AmadeusRocks Tue 18-Jun-13 19:20:22

I really should have cottoned on when I got the invitation, I just thought "does anybody seriously ask guests to pay for their own meal at a big fancy wedding?"

Ahem, this sounds like poppycock to me

StuffezLaYoni Tue 18-Jun-13 19:20:54

I really hope you didn't write that!

usualsuspect Tue 18-Jun-13 19:21:28

I would imagine you will get a 'fuck you' email back.

AmadeusRocks Tue 18-Jun-13 19:21:40

So consensus is that I am bloody rude blush I blame the post pregnancy hormones

Dackyduddles Tue 18-Jun-13 19:21:58

Jeez, could you not just have said you were busy? I get you thought it odd/modern but she invited you to her wedding.... I think "no" could have been said a lot nicer tbh.

Turniptwirl Tue 18-Jun-13 19:22:19

Depends... If the couple are not well off but have a big family/social circle and would otherwise struggle to attend then asking guests to pay for their own meals is a way of saving money. But I think they should have confirmed that this was ok when you rspved, and told you how to pay.

Judging from your email you're probably uninvited now anyway!

Dackyduddles Tue 18-Jun-13 19:22:33

No you can't blame post preg hormones. I am too but think that's way ott!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 18-Jun-13 19:22:55

You actually wrote that back or you wish you did?

screen shot of the fb convo or it didn't happen grin

LeoTheLateBloomer Tue 18-Jun-13 19:23:18

Tbh I'm more appalled at your behaviour than hers. And I think hers was pretty awful. Also particularly slow not to have realised the implication from the outset.

Dackyduddles Tue 18-Jun-13 19:23:38

What makes you think it's a fancy wedding? Lost me again sorry OP

Coconutty Tue 18-Jun-13 19:23:49

You sound surprised that calling her soon to be DH a drip is rude?

Concreteblonde Tue 18-Jun-13 19:23:53

'snort'

sue52 Tue 18-Jun-13 19:24:11

As if the round trip, hotel bill, petrol and present aren't enough; there are now people who ask you to pay for the food of their choice in the venue of their choosing. Too modern for my taste.

AmadeusRocks Tue 18-Jun-13 19:24:14

She's fucking minted, her father is paying for the wedding as well, which is why I've reacted like this seeing as some of my friends actually cannot afford to get married

bigkidsdidit Tue 18-Jun-13 19:24:23

If this is true, how coul you have possibly not thought tht was incredibly rude confused

You could have just said no, you no, without insulting her.

heidihole Tue 18-Jun-13 19:24:25

you never said that did you? hopes you did just cos I love a car crash moment

YouTheCat Tue 18-Jun-13 19:24:26

I think it's fair enough. If you can't afford a big wedding you shouldn't have one. Expecting all your guests to fork our £35 a head for food is ridiculous.

BasilBabyEater Tue 18-Jun-13 19:24:48

I don't believe a word of this but it's jolly good fun. grin

bigkidsdidit Tue 18-Jun-13 19:24:54

You know

Fuzzysnout Tue 18-Jun-13 19:25:29

Do let us know her reply OP.

howdoIdealwiththisone Tue 18-Jun-13 19:26:08

You don't have to be rude if someone is rude to you you know. And anyway she wasn't rude in her conversation with you. Grabby maybe, presumptuous maybe but not rude. You were downright horrible and there was no need for it.

If you did send that reply, which I doubt, calling her husband and drip is personal and nasty.

BrianTheMole Tue 18-Jun-13 19:26:55

hmm

*a drip

harryhausen Tue 18-Jun-13 19:27:32

The last bit of your reply is pure fantasy.

You let her down gently then grumbled into your beard, didn't you.

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 18-Jun-13 19:28:37

YANBU to "politely inform" her you won't be attending. YABU to send that really rude email.

phantomnamechanger Tue 18-Jun-13 19:29:44

I believe the invitatiin happened.
i dont believe the OP actually wrote that response - thought it yes, is wondering how to respond/get out of going, but not that she wrote that.

There's no way you wrote that back.

rainbowfeet Tue 18-Jun-13 19:30:38

Blimey if this is the start of a new trend I am defiantly getting married again & christened & baptized & confirmed!!!!!!wink

AmadeusRocks Tue 18-Jun-13 19:31:13

I genuinely did write it the last two sentences anyway grin

ZillionChocolate Tue 18-Jun-13 19:31:21

I don't believe you would be so rude as to send that response.

Why would you accept the invitation of someone you clearly dislike so much? Just to get a free £35ph meal? Sounds a bit grasping/desperate.

ParadiseChick Tue 18-Jun-13 19:31:33

Screenshots!

ZillionChocolate Tue 18-Jun-13 19:31:54

That's a relief!

ParadiseChick Tue 18-Jun-13 19:32:35

X post

So you just wrote your declining, all the best?

DarkWinter Tue 18-Jun-13 19:32:41

My DP was invited to a wedding once, where he had to pay for his own meal. They wouldn't let him have a plus one in spite of this, so I refused to invite them to our wedding as a result.

ParadiseChick Tue 18-Jun-13 19:32:52

*you're

DebsMorgan Tue 18-Jun-13 19:33:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babycino81 Tue 18-Jun-13 19:34:00

I think you're a legend. YANBU, especially when a gift list is involved as well!

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 18-Jun-13 19:34:02

YANBU to decline but you would be unreasonable to have written that! glad to see you didnt....

just decline. make your excuses.

i wish i had when i was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend - i didnt want to and told her, but then got guilt tripped into it, only to find out she wanted me to pay for my own dress.....hmm

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 18-Jun-13 19:34:17

YABU-ish. The reply was a little OTT, but I am more shocked at the presumption that it's OK to ask guests to pay to attend a reception!

Weddings are becoming a massive slavering greed fest and some couples need to be told that certain behaviour is unacceptable and will make them very unpopular. If they are not told, Greedfests will snowball until nobody can afford to accept invites any more.

However, I would have replied something like "Sorry, we can't afford to come. The cost is too much coupled with accommodation, travel, childcare and a gift."

I also think the bride is very rude to effectively say, "yeah I know you've just given birth, but that'll be £70 please, hurry up"

bemybebe Tue 18-Jun-13 19:35:06

YABU, sorry. And very rude.

NoelHeadbands Tue 18-Jun-13 19:35:50

So you didn't send that response? confused

So what you actually wrote was

"I think me and dh will have to decline on this occasion. All the best"?

That's not U. However, she's probably miffed that she had to chase you down for the money and you've just done a 180!

Tbf, she probably assumed you were ok with it since you got the 'price list' and still accepted!

DebsMorgan Tue 18-Jun-13 19:36:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bemybebe Tue 18-Jun-13 19:36:46

...and so was she incidentally. But you did not ask about her.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 18-Jun-13 19:37:34

Ah, so you send a polite response. In that case YANBU totally and she is a greedy cow.

pictures or it didn't happen.

QueenStromba Tue 18-Jun-13 19:41:45

I think you were a little rude with your reply but I can see why. I can totally understand why the whole idea of having you pay for your meal at a wedding was so outrageous that it didn't even occur to you that's what they were saying. And to have been given a gift list on top of that?

I can understand getting hitched in a registry office and then people paying their own way a local restaurant for ten quid a head but not a proper traditional wedding.

Spidermama Tue 18-Jun-13 19:42:28

AmadeusRocks you didn't write that <except in your dreams perhaps> and you're just trying to show off.

Even if this were true, which it clearly isn't, it would simply be nasty. Not funny or clever, just nasty.

Those of you tittering and giving the OP virtual high fives are weak and impressionable followers.

MN is getting a little too young for me I fear.

phantomnamechanger Tue 18-Jun-13 19:43:24

what is it with people and weddings?? I really don't get it!!

Just have what you can afford - don't be badgered by parents or other rellies into inviting 100's of long lost family and their friends you have only met twice in your life, don't have dozens of bridesmaids in designer dresses, don't go OTT on the venue, table decorations, wedding favours, food - if all that means that some of the closest friends who you really would like to share the day are being asked to fork out the equivalent of a weeks holiday just for one day!

It will all be much nicer and less stressful. And wheres the sense in starting marired life paying off massive debts already, just for the sake of a massive "do".

Doha Tue 18-Jun-13 19:43:30

OMG just love your email.

I hope you did send it and l would have loved to see her face as she read the email grin

Guess you won't be getting an invitation to the baby shower then wink
YADNBU

LEMisdisappointed Tue 18-Jun-13 19:43:51

Ooooh, how funny, this is the second such thread about this today

RalphGnu Tue 18-Jun-13 19:44:51

Spidermama, did you miss the OP's last post?

AuntieStella Tue 18-Jun-13 19:45:10

It's not a "fancy wedding".

It's an unaffordable wedding, and utterly vulgar of her to attempt to entertain beyond her means.

But that does not excuse return rudeness.

valiumredhead Tue 18-Jun-13 19:45:42

I'm sure all that happened in your head

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Tue 18-Jun-13 19:47:31

I've been to a couple of restaurant receptions where guests have paid for the food. Theyve been smallish (ie no more than twenty or thirty) guests and the couple's explained very nicely in the invites that they wanted to celebrate but couldnt afford differently, and that they absolutely weren't expecting presents. Didn't bother Me in the slightest. If It had, I would have just done what I always do when I turn down a meal in a restaurant eg for a birthday, and say thanks for thinking of us but it just wouldn't be possible. I don't see how this level of rudeness benefits anyone - it isn't going to change the bridge and grooms mind, you burn bridges over something quite trivial and only gain a moments satisfaction and some internet applause.

Spidermama Tue 18-Jun-13 19:50:05

No Ralph I did not.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 18-Jun-13 19:50:59

I can't believe people think your fictitious reply was rude! It would have been almost perfect if it had been true, and 100% deserved.

AuntieStella Tue 18-Jun-13 19:54:26

A wedding reception is the equivalent of entertaining at home, farmed out when/if you need extra space. It should never be equated to a restaurant meal for other occasions, nor should it be at guests' expense.

If you look at all the threads which say how much people have loved "pie and pint" or "Pimms and hog roast" receptions done on a shoestring, it's easy to see at it's not the lavishness that matters; it's the hospitality.

mamij Tue 18-Jun-13 19:54:53

OP - I'm a bit disappointed you didn't send the response after all grin

But your real response is probably a better idea.

Keztrel Tue 18-Jun-13 20:02:06

Haaaa this is hilarious! It was patently obvious the op didn't write that, surely. No one is that rude! Bit odd to make guests pay for their meal but if I wanted to go to that wedding I'd just skip getting them a gift.

MerryOnMerlot Tue 18-Jun-13 20:03:27

Think you were a tad blunt tbh, but have never heard the likes of asking wedding guests paying for their own meals!

So, I'm going to get splinters on my arse in terms of whether YWBU.

AnnaRack Tue 18-Jun-13 20:05:11

Hmmm. If that is how you "politely" refuse an invijtation, I wonder how you'd rudely refuse one?

AnnaRack Tue 18-Jun-13 20:06:12

Oh and yanbu by the way.

SarahAndFuck Tue 18-Jun-13 20:10:02

I wish you had written it.

It would have been rude, but since it's nothing to do with me it would have been delightfully rude rather than shockingly rude.

I especially loved the posed like a duck beside a tree part? Will there be a tree?

usualsuspect Tue 18-Jun-13 20:11:12

100 % deserved to call her husband a drip?

Yeah ok then.

It's not even funny. <purses lips in a PO style>

margaery Tue 18-Jun-13 20:12:28

YANBU cannot believe she expects guest to pay for her wedding breakfast no, no, no. I would have declined aswell.

Sallyingforth Tue 18-Jun-13 20:12:43

seeing as some of my friends actually cannot afford to get married

Rubbish! You can get married for 50 quid.

Euphemia Tue 18-Jun-13 20:13:01

you pose like a duck beside a tree

I think you're brilliant! Want to come out for dinner - I'm paying! grin

HauntedArmchairOfDoom Tue 18-Jun-13 20:13:40

I'm with spidermama.

If you had written that response you're childish and rude

If you are pretending to have written that response you're childish and rude

People who think this is Acceptabubble and Funny are childish and rude.

Oh come on Op this simply doesn't add up.

Firstly - who sends out wedding invites a year in advance? Save the date cards sure but not invites.

Secondly - of this all happened as you say and she only gave you the bank details today how did she expect you to pay beforehand? Bank account osmosis?

Thirdly it's Marc Jacobs not Mark. I would have thought a person of your age and earning & spending power (as described in your other threads) would have known that.

Euphemia Tue 18-Jun-13 20:14:51

I'm so glad that DH and I have no friends and never get invited to weddings: we couldn't be arsed with people's stupid ideas.

Yes I would say childish and rude is VERY accurate description of the OP. 'Specially the first bit.

Well it's not really brilliant is it?

Actually, it's not true. But if it were; how is it funny to slag off her dh just because you don't want to pay for the meal?

Fwiw I wouldn't go either! And I can't believe anyone would actually charge guests for their meals <mind boggles> but the imaginary reply wasn't funny. It was just nasty.

MrsDimples Tue 18-Jun-13 20:17:57

YANBU

Guests paid for their meal at my wedding, tenner in a pub for 3 courses, but the invite stated in lieu of a wedding present please pay for yourself, & we don't mind if you don't come.

Everyone seemed to love the idea. There was no gift list either.

WuzzleMonkey Tue 18-Jun-13 20:19:48

So you were happy to watch her marry some bloke you couldn't give a shit about when you thought you'd get a free meal out of it?

Of course she WBU but why on earth would you want to be at their wedding when that's how you feel about them? THat makes you seem grabby and entitled.

snuffaluffagus Tue 18-Jun-13 20:23:11

Why can't people read the full thread?

It's a bit odd yes and you were within your rights to decline!

SanityClause Tue 18-Jun-13 20:27:08

That sounds like a lovely wedding, MrsDimples!

They should have been clear that guests would be asked to fund the wedding breakfast. £70 for a meal you didn't even choose is a bit steep.

People seem to lose their senses when planning weddings. If I paid everything I was asked to pay for hen do's, engagement do's and weddings, I wouldn't be able to afford anything else (very large family!)

Oblongata Tue 18-Jun-13 20:35:10

Wuzzlemonkey, people get invited to weddings and go out of politeness all the time, you don't have to be in love with the bride and groom or their vision of future happiness, you go because they asked you and it's a social obligation! (Of course when it's your lovely friends you go because you want to see them happy, totally different thing.)

The understanding is that weddings are parties the bride and groom pay for, not personal gifts to the guests grin many of whom would probably rather be elsewhere because weddings are usually very very boring

Asking people to pay for the meal at a normal, run-of-the-mill wedding, is so crass.

Pancakeflipper Tue 18-Jun-13 20:36:06

You didn't politely refuse as you say in your title. You were personal and rude.

I wouldn't go either but I would not send a response like that and I don't reckon you did either.

Euphemia Tue 18-Jun-13 20:39:24

Read the bloody thread, people! Don't be lazy and just skip to the last page!

Mintyy Tue 18-Jun-13 20:40:20

How strange. There has been another thread about guests paying for their own meals at weddings today.

What is going on? Is someone trying to be clever?

WuzzleMonkey Tue 18-Jun-13 20:41:06

It's not a social obligation to go to the wedding of someone the OP describes as an 'ex-colleague'! She hasn't even described her as a friend! Where's the big deal in saying thanks but no thanks when it someone you clearly don't have a good opinion on?

MakeGlutenFreeHay Tue 18-Jun-13 20:41:26

YABU for using "me and DH". DH and I, please.... <pedant>

I'm not sure I'd go to a wedding where I had to pay for food as well as drinks/gift/transport/accommodation etc - it all gets very expensive. I'd probably choose a slightly more tactful way of telling them, though....!

Viviennemary Tue 18-Jun-13 20:44:49

I expect it will quite soon be acceptable for people to pay for meals at weddings. After all these grabby ghastly little poems seem to be the norm these days from what I've read here. Though I have yet to receive one. I don't blame you for responding as you did. These people need to be told what a greedy, cheeky grabbers they are.

usualsuspect Tue 18-Jun-13 20:49:56

I did think this was a piss takey thread about the other thread.

Shitsinger Tue 18-Jun-13 20:51:39

God I wish you had written that OPgrin- the duck bit was genius
How cringey that there are people who expect others to pay for their own meal at a wedding! Have they no shame ?

Shitsinger Tue 18-Jun-13 20:52:34

Its DH and me<pedant>

Tortington Tue 18-Jun-13 20:55:27

goood on ya

somethng happens to couples brains when they plan a wedding.

i still have a thing about gift lists if i'm honest

Usual I also have some thoughts. Have pm'd you.

PenelopePortrait Tue 18-Jun-13 21:00:27

I really hope you did write it OP.

It's about time people took a stand against these ridiculous posturing, pretentious people who want to indulge themselves at others expense.

It really is about time some people got over themselves.

Euphemia Tue 18-Jun-13 21:00:43

Its DH and me<pedant>

No, it should be "DH and I".

Also, it should be "it's". smile

zippey Tue 18-Jun-13 21:02:44

I agree with the comments that you were very rude. I cant believe you want to stealth boast about being an appaling human being. She sounded kind enough a person, she should be glad that you are out of her life.

TheCraicDealer Tue 18-Jun-13 21:06:22

I don't think it's childish, not really. People carry on like this and take advantage of others because no one pulls them up on it. If a bride gets a reply like that and posts on some bridal forum or bitches to their mates it may make some of the others realise that their wedding ain't all that to the people attending and to have a bit of consideration.

Having said that, I wouldn't baulk at having to pay at a wedding where it's clear the b & g are on a budget. But scrimping on hospitality so you have doves rearrange your hair for the photos or some such is a tad off.

Smudging Tue 18-Jun-13 21:06:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Euphemia Tue 18-Jun-13 21:07:53

READ THE WHOLE THREAD!!!!

How many times ...?

Smudging Tue 18-Jun-13 21:08:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jenny70 Tue 18-Jun-13 21:09:03

I think you'e dodged a bullet here - I imagine drinks aren't paid for either, which would definitely be needed in large supply!

TheCraicDealer Tue 18-Jun-13 21:09:47

Haha, I have Euphemia! I mean, hypothetically, av carse grin

mirry2 Tue 18-Jun-13 21:12:27

yadnbu

LegArmpits Tue 18-Jun-13 21:16:24

Op I really wish you had written all

LegArmpits Tue 18-Jun-13 21:16:35

of it.

pigletmania Tue 18-Jun-13 21:20:15

Yanbu at all, she had to be told.

Pimpf Tue 18-Jun-13 21:20:38

Brilliant!

NicknameIncomplete Tue 18-Jun-13 21:36:34

I wish you had written the entire thing & sent it. I dont think it was rude just blunt and needed to be said.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 18-Jun-13 22:41:58

I'm in the 'wishing you had sent it' camp.
It's what we were all thinking, so why not?

Mimishimi Wed 19-Jun-13 00:37:26

I actually would not be offended if a good friend asked us to pay for our meal at a wedding, especially if I knew her financial circumstances were such that she wouldn't ask us otherwise. If it was someone I barely knew, I'd probably decline if I thought it too expensive. If you really wrote what you did, I think that is very rude but it's not rude to decline the invitation.

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 02:03:24

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 02:03:24

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

CoolStoryBro Wed 19-Jun-13 02:16:17

To settle the pedantics, it's DH and I. It's only "DH and me" when "me" would be the word you would use when writing in the first person.

I actually wouldn't give a fig if someone asked me to pay for my own meal at their wedding. If that was the only possible way for them to have the wedding they wanted, then no worries here. I'd even buy them a small present as well. But then, unlike what seems like 90% of MN, I like my friends.

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 03:43:30

It's about time people took a stand against these ridiculous posturing, pretentious people who want to indulge themselves at others expense.

I completely agree.

MammaTJ Wed 19-Jun-13 03:47:59

You would not have been unreasonable to have politely informed this woman that you will not pay to attend her wedding.

However, you were not polite, you were rude and nasty.

Euphemia Wed 19-Jun-13 07:02:33

To settle the pedantics, it's DH and I. It's only "DH and me" when "me" would be the word you would use when writing in the first person.

Erm, no.

"I" and "me" are the first person, so that statement makes no sense.

I is used when the person is the subject of the verb i.e. they are the one doing the verb: I gave Bob a lift. The first person pronoun doesn't change if someone else is added: DH and I gave Bob a lift.

Me is used when the person is having the verb done to them i.e. they are the object of the verb. Bob gave me a lift. Likewise, Bob gave DH and me a lift.

Apologies for the thread hijack. smile

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 07:08:21

It's simple - if you were talking about just yourself, would you use 'me' or 'I' ? In which case even if you are talking about yourself and someone else you still use either me or I, depending on the context.

I would be delighted to come to your wedding.
DH and I would be delighted to come to your wedding.

You have offended me by expecting me to pay for myself.
You have offended me and DH by expecting us to pay for ourselves.

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 07:09:20

You would not say 'I think me will have to decline on this occasion' therefore you would not say 'I think me and DH will have to decline on this occasion.'

Euphemia Wed 19-Jun-13 07:09:54

Indeed, Fellatio, subject and object. grin

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 07:10:22

Anyway, I am still on the OP's side. I think the bride has more cheek than a very fat-arsed person.

thecatfromjapan Wed 19-Jun-13 07:10:36

Isn't it "dh and myself"?

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 07:11:31

No. do we have to have that conversation as well? grin

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 07:12:03

Oh you do it Euphemia, I don't have the energy. grin

Euphemia Wed 19-Jun-13 07:12:09

thecat angry grin

Euphemia Wed 19-Jun-13 07:12:26

grin

lougle Wed 19-Jun-13 07:26:51

The odd thing about MN it's that if the OP had said " goes shall I reply?" someone would have posted the OP's reply and lots of posters would have said ' great reply!'

Strange place, this.

MumnGran Wed 19-Jun-13 07:28:57

i think she is now an ex-friend, so it is all water permanently under the bridge.

Me ,on the other hand, ( when I checked with her ) thought that you should have asked whether being too broke to pay an unexpected £70 bill on top of travel/hotel/gift etc, would mean the bride would be withdrawing the wedding invitation.

I'm glad you didn't really send that. It would have been incredibly rude. She is BU for charging people though.

diddl Wed 19-Jun-13 07:34:28

If the menu was enclosed, would people really not realise that they were expected to pay?

I agree that it's very rude to expect people to pay.

If that's what you want, then it shouldn't be on the invitation, should it?

Thumbwitch Wed 19-Jun-13 07:36:53

Can I remind you that your AIBU was "To have politely informed this woman that I will not pay to attend her wedding" ?

If you had ACTUALLY said all that, then your notion of politeness is far removed from the general understanding of that concept. hmm

However, I noticed you say you only really sent the last 2 sentences, I'm assuming the "I think DH and I will have to decline on this occasion. All the best" is all you actually sent, in which case it just about qualifies as polite, albeit rather terse.

AYBU to decline? well I don't know. I think the price of the meal in the invitation would have made it pretty clear that you were expected to pay your own way, tbh (and it's a lot cheaper than many wedding reception places charge per head!) Depends on how much you like her, or not. If it were a friend of mine and I knew she was hard up, I would accept anyway. But if she's only an ex-colleague and a bit tight, I'd say no.

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:39:08

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:39:13

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:39:24

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:39:41

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:39:45

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:39:49

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

Thumbwitch Wed 19-Jun-13 07:40:12

Twatphone, Amazingmumof6? wink

lljkk Wed 19-Jun-13 07:42:04

pmsl @ duck posing under a tree...

LadyRabbit Wed 19-Jun-13 07:42:54

Jesus some of you lot have had a sense of humour bypass.

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:43:37

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

MakeGlutenFreeHay Wed 19-Jun-13 07:44:24

ahem. may I draw your attention to the first pedant in this thread being me, myself and/or I?! <needy>

ParadiseChick Wed 19-Jun-13 07:45:02

[Grin]

No wonder you were on the top ten post list with rapid posts like that!

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:51:18

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 07:51:19

shitsinger and * euphemia*

I have to mention that I adore your off-topic Grammar Wars!grin

back to thread - how wude!confused
under normal circumstances wedding meal is not to be paid by guests. ever.

However the pub one with no gifts is truly inspired!
good on you, well done!thanks

SoupDragon Wed 19-Jun-13 07:54:35

The odd thing about MN it's that if the OP had said " goes shall I reply?" someone would have posted the OP's reply and lots of posters would have said ' great reply!'

And 99.9% of those would not actually have meant it should be sent. Which in this case it wasn't ,but this was not clear from the OP. Hence people saying how rude it was.

Pimpf Wed 19-Jun-13 08:00:50

I've been to a wedding where we were at a restaurant and we all chipped in for our meals, however it was discussed before invites went out, so that we all knew the score and could make our decision. To send a menu with the invite with cost, I don't know whether I'd have known that meant I was due to pay or whether I'd thought it was an error, but the wedding couple should have spoke to people and let them know before hand.

Op I don't think you were being rude to decline the invite and I think your reply is what you would have liked to send but as you stated, you didn't, it was a joke!

spottybanana Wed 19-Jun-13 08:15:31

What was that, amazingmumof6? grin

Lazyjaney Wed 19-Jun-13 08:19:18

"So consensus is that I am bloody rude"

Bollocks to that, it was a brilliant idea. Ignore all the Carpers on here, that's just the sound of latent bridezillas in panic that their guests may revolt smile

Now poor grammar, however.....

I do wish you'd sent it you still could

flowery Wed 19-Jun-13 08:26:53

I don't understand. You started a thread to ask if you were being unreasonable to say something you did not in fact say?

confused

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 08:43:35

oh bloody hell,spottybanana

I tried to post from my phone, but it kept saying connection failed!

so I tried again, and again...

well I hope I made me point grin grin grin

amazingmumof6 Wed 19-Jun-13 08:46:30

paradisechick

was I? when? what? how do you know?

sorry, it's off topic, but what?

yes, twatphone for sure!grin

(or I just have really strong views?! grin)

samandi Wed 19-Jun-13 09:18:24

What a confusing thread.

I'm confused about why the OP accepted the invite in the first place, considering how she feels about the couple. To those saying that people go to weddings out of politeness all the time - really? confused That's just bizarre, there's no way I'd go to a wedding if I/DP weren't friends with the couple.

I gather that the OP did not in fact write the reply, but I haven't read the COMPLETE thread so I don't know if she wrote something else. It's a bit weird to base the thread on an imaginary reply, however. As others have said, it's not a particularly funny/witty reply, just rather bitchy and stupid.

The wedding invite had the price of the meal - though this should have been stated more clearly (presuming that it wasn't). Having said all that, charging guests for a wedding meal is pretty rude/distasteful IMO.

margaery Wed 19-Jun-13 11:36:31

samandi, OP's real reply was " I think me and DH will have to decline on this occasion. All the best."

shewhowines Wed 19-Jun-13 12:08:45

AmadeusRocks Tue 18-Jun-13 19:31:13
I genuinely did write it the last two sentences anyway

Was the actual post

SoupDragon Wed 19-Jun-13 12:23:20

And I think this thread proves nicely why you shouldn't make jokes in an OP without making it quite clear it was a joke smile Even when it was clear people thought she'd actually said that, the OP didn't say.

YANBU.

But, YABU posting this in AIBU, you ought to know the catsbums will come out!

GiveMumABreak Wed 19-Jun-13 12:32:02

I think the last two setences say enough really (the rest of OP's thoughts can be left to the imagination) YANBU by the way. How very cheeky of them!

ouryve Wed 19-Jun-13 12:38:54

You weren't being unreasonable for not wanting to go to a wedding you have to pay for.

You were for being so rude about it, though.

The ultimate invitation my ex and I declined was one where a couple were having their wedding at a castle - there was a formal dresscode for day and evening AND we would have had to book a room at the castle. It would have cost us hundreds of pounds - ex was in a postgrad trainee position at £9K and I was a student. We politely declined, explained that we couldn't afford it when asked and at no point told them that they were a bit full of themselves, no matter how much we were thinking it.

shewhowines Wed 19-Jun-13 12:43:31

I think it's been a funny thread. Thanks op.

I would have wanted to write the same, but like you, am too much of a wimp to actually send it.

PatPig Wed 19-Jun-13 12:46:29

Charging for the meal is very gauche, but what's wrong with Marc Jacobs perfume?

confused

shewhowines Wed 19-Jun-13 12:48:14

Presumably its expensive and odd to be on a wdding list. people don't usually put personal items on them, do they?

PointlessPost Wed 19-Jun-13 12:53:03

OP

Please tell me exactly what you wrote not the bits you imagined

I am curious.

shewhowines Wed 19-Jun-13 12:54:50

Just the last two sentences

"I think me and DH will have to decline on this occasion. All the best."

Lavenderloves Wed 19-Jun-13 13:01:00

Jesus and she asked for gifts!

I will bet they have a bucket for contributions to her dress!

OrmirianResurgam Wed 19-Jun-13 13:01:37

"I mean at least when I go to a restaurant I don't have to make an 80 mile round trip, sit through hours of watching you pose like a duck beside a tree, listen to your drip of a husband moan about how wonderful you are and I get to select my own food"

Ooh naughty! grin

But no, if you can't afford to treat your guests as guests, go somewhere cheaper.

morticia74 Wed 19-Jun-13 13:08:24

No, not rude. She is.

Crowler Wed 19-Jun-13 13:11:40

That is the absolute cheekiest bridal stunt I have ever come across.

I'm going to record it in my journal now.

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 13:13:28

PMSL at Crowler and her journal. grin

changeforthebetter Wed 19-Jun-13 13:57:56

I think your reply (if you sent it) was blunt but very funny. I think the bridal couple are taking the proverbial grin

MrsPHollywood Wed 19-Jun-13 13:59:45

I was a wee bit horrified by the 'pose like a dick' and 'drip of a husband' but if you only put the last 2 sentences in the reply then you bloody rock, OP. grin

MrsPHollywood Wed 19-Jun-13 14:01:20

Pose like a duck. blush Suppose it means basically the same. wink

nogreythatmatters Wed 19-Jun-13 14:51:44

Your response was good.
Anyone who charges guests attending their wedding deserves contempt and derision.

samandi Wed 19-Jun-13 15:17:22

Thanks margaery and shewhowines.

In that case, OP is not being unreasonable.

WorraLiberty Wed 19-Jun-13 15:27:06

That's the funniest pile of shit I've read in ages! grin grin

Euphemia Wed 19-Jun-13 17:47:20

I was a wee bit horrified by the 'pose like a dick'

That would be duck. grin

Neighbourhoodwatchbitch Wed 19-Jun-13 19:08:55

I want the OP to come and report back if the friend has replied yet!!

stamps foot

DeskPlanner Wed 19-Jun-13 19:39:51

I want to read the other thread. I can't seem to find it.

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