to think that DSis could pick a different day for her wedding?

(42 Posts)
withgreatpower Sun 16-Jun-13 21:41:46

DSis just told my DM that she wants to get married next year on that day that is also my DM's wedding anniversary. My DM and DD will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary next year, and were thinking of having a simple ceremony and inviting their friends and family for a simple reception at home.

A bit of background. My Dsis is 48, this would be her second marriage, also second marriage for her DP. They have lived together for 10+ years, and have two children. According to my DSis, she chose that specific day for the wedding as it is a very special date for them (but she didn't tell us why it is so special, and I don't mind not knowing, actually).

Maybe I'm too practical, and not very romantic, but why can't DSis pick a different date? My DM has told me that she (DM) doesn't want to do a combined ceremony - they have different sets of friends, as you can imagine. Also, it's not to save money for the reception, as my DSis is quite wealthy. I have to say that it seems quite selfish to me to pick the same day as my DM's wedding anniversary.

Well, what do you think?

Nanny0gg Sun 16-Jun-13 21:43:27

Has your DM said anything to your sister?

lougle Sun 16-Jun-13 21:43:29

I think it's between your DSis and your DM.

SirChenjin Sun 16-Jun-13 21:43:58

On the face of it, it sounds v odd. No idea why it's so special to your sister? Has your mum spoken to her about the date?

diddl Sun 16-Jun-13 21:44:16

Well your parents won't be able to go if they're having their own celebration, will they?

YANBU. Without knowing why it's a very special date for them, it does just seem quite selfish really.

Strangely, my dsis got married (1st time) on our parents wedding anniversary too. I always thought it a bit odd really. Why not have your own anniversary?

DarkWinter Sun 16-Jun-13 21:45:05

Whyever shouldn't she pick that date?

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 21:46:40

If your parents are disappointed about their plans being spoiled, then your dsis is being very selfish, and yes, she should have chosen another day.

I can see lots of parents thinking it's a lovely idea for their dd to be married on their wedding anniversary though, so it really depends on how your Mum and Dad feel.

CalamityJ Sun 16-Jun-13 21:47:08

My DB asked me if I minded him getting married on my birthday. It's not just getting married on that day but every year he'll be celebrating that instead of wanting to come to my party (if I have one) so I said I'd rather he didn't and he didn't. No problem. Your DSis will be unable to celebrate with your/her parents on their 50th anniversary which is why she is being unreasonable to pick that date. She should be celebrating her parents' marriage then celebrate her own.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 16-Jun-13 21:47:17

I can't think of any reason for the date being "special" for your dsis that outweighs the reason for your dparents. 50 years married is pretty special.

HollyBerryBush Sun 16-Jun-13 21:48:31

It it a tribute to your DM & DF ?

but it is between Dsis and DM

bobthebear Sun 16-Jun-13 21:49:14

My DB got married on my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. My mum and I thought it was a lovely idea. Obviously we're in the minority!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 16-Jun-13 21:49:37

DarkWinter, because guests will be conflicted. Attend a 50th anniversary do for your close family/friend, or the bigger, second wedding ceremony of their daughter? It's a horrible thing to do to people you profess to love.

ZZZenagain Sun 16-Jun-13 21:50:16

so the family is going to have to decide whether to attend the wedding or the anniversary. Tell her it is a shame you can't come to her wedding because you'll be at your parents' anniversary celebration. See what she says

withgreatpower Sun 16-Jun-13 21:51:22

DSis is quite bossy, and her DS is not very well at the moment, so DM doesn't want to be confrontational and upset her. About my Dnephew not being very well: this is not related to the decision of getting married, or of getting married on that date, as my DSis had mentioned a few years ago (before my Dnephew was poorly) to me that she wanted to get married on that date (actually this is the third year that she says that she's getting married the following year).

Bue Sun 16-Jun-13 21:51:32

If it were any other year it wouldn't be odd (in fact many parents would be really touched if their child chose to share an anniversary with them, I know my DM would). But the fact that it is their 50th anniversary and presumably DSis already knew they were planning a celebration, does make it very odd and selfish indeed. But I think it is up to DM to say something.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 16-Jun-13 21:52:12

Bobthebear, I think 25th is different, though. Assuming your parents make it to 50, and your dbro stays wed, they'd be having a joint celebration.

This is a conflict of celebrations.

ENormaSnob Sun 16-Jun-13 21:52:22

It just being the date wouldnt be an issue imo, the fact that the wedding will be on their 50th anniversary is an issue.

Jan49 Sun 16-Jun-13 21:55:23

I don't understand about the ceremony. What kind of ceremony would your DM and DF be having for a 50th anniversary?

I think it's between your DM and DSiS. It might work out well for your parents to celebrate their 50th at your DSiS' wedding reception. But awkward if they want to invite lots of friends to their 50th who won't be invited to the wedding.

withgreatpower Sun 16-Jun-13 21:55:52

I don't think there will be two celebrations on the same day, if my DSis goes ahead with her plans. I'm sure my DM will not want to cause troubles, and she (DM) will pick a different date, a couple of days after the correct date, for her church service and her celebration. I don't think this is right, though.

SirChenjin Sun 16-Jun-13 21:57:11

No, I don't think it's right either OP. Kind of stealing your mum and dad's thunder a bit.

mrsjay Sun 16-Jun-13 21:59:15

how do your parents feel about it perhaps they could get a blessing at your sisters wedding ? i think if your sister knew about the celebration then she is being selfish but if she didnt then I think it is up to your parents to say if it suits or not

diddl Sun 16-Jun-13 21:59:23

Well that kind of explains why your sister is even thinking of it, then.

Perhaps your Mum should book something!

mummytime Sun 16-Jun-13 22:01:09

My SIL and two of her DDs share the same anniversary day. I think its a bit weird personally, and have discussed it with,y much younger DDs. But they are all quite happy, and think its "romantic".

Your DM needs to talk to your DSis if its a problem, you can back cover her back, but otherwise its not your business.

Anyhow if its your DSis's 3rd marriage it isn't likely to be a big do is it?

bobthebear Sun 16-Jun-13 22:02:07

But my parents did have a silver wedding anniversary party for their 25th. They had it the week before their anniversary without a fuss and then watched my brother get married whilst reminiscing about their own wedding on the same day

BackforGood Sun 16-Jun-13 22:02:25

I agree with you. It sounds selfish, and a little bit odd - almost as if she were wanting to deprive your Mum and Dad of their special moment.
Can you not all say "Oh, you must have forgotten that it's Mum and Dad's special anniversary that day, and we will all be sharing that with them, so nobody will be able to come if you arrange your wedding on that day", and leave her to make her own decision with that in mind ?

capercaillie Sun 16-Jun-13 22:06:24

We share a wedding anniversary with my parents. No problem - everyone happy and it feels special.

The problem in the OP situation is that the focus should be on the parents 50th wedding anniversary.

withgreatpower Sun 16-Jun-13 22:08:11

About DSis not knowing about my DM's plan for her 50th. Maybe my DM has not said anything clearly (there is still one year to go), but DM and DF celebrated their 40th, so it's easy to think that they will do something on their 50th.

I understand that some of the posts are saying that maybe it's a kind of tribute, but my DM has never liked my DSis's DP, and has told her that from the beginning. However, since DSis and DP had a child together, my DM has "accepted" DP 100% in the family (for ex. he has regularly stopped to have lunch at my DM's house when he used to work near her house). I'm saying this, because it's kind of ironic that they would choose that date, knowing that my DM didn't approve of their relationship to start with!

BackforGood Sun 16-Jun-13 22:12:33

It's not about sharing the anniversary (dh and I got married on my parent's 39th anniversary as it happens, although it was just coincidence after other factors had been slotted in, and then we asked them if they minded), it's about making plans for what will presumably be a family 'do' on a day when you know there is already likely to be a family 'do'. I'd say exactly the same if it were an 80th Birthday or something.

CrapBag Sun 16-Jun-13 23:04:14

I would actually turn around to your sister and say that you won't be able to attend her wedding as you will be going to your parents anniversary do on that day. Get the conversation started that way and maybe she will rethink.

It does seems selfish and attention grabbing tbh.

diddl Mon 17-Jun-13 08:11:34

Oh gosh, if my mum didn't like my partner & had only accepted him after we had children, she wouldn't be invited to my wedding, so it wouldn't matter if it clashed!

Is your sister doing it on purpose to force your mum to sacrifice her own pans?

diddl Mon 17-Jun-13 08:12:02


Plans, of courseblush

BOF Mon 17-Jun-13 08:33:27

Why is it an honour for your patents to have their 50th anniversary celebrations trumped by a wedding date based on when your sister first shagged her fella? Let's face it, that's what they'll be commemorating. It sounds pretty insensitive to me.

DoctorRobert Mon 17-Jun-13 08:56:30

I think under normal circumstances, getting married on your parents' anniversary is a lovely thing to do.

However, seeings as your DM is already having a ceremony on her anniversary (what is that? a renewal of vows?) then yes, your Dsis is BU picking the same day. Unless she doesn't want your DM at her wedding?!

Onesleeptillwembley Mon 17-Jun-13 09:01:00

Your parents are having a ceremony? I don't follow that bit. Sorry but your sister can have her wedding whenever she chooses. I personally wouldn't choose that date, but if it means something to her then that's her choice.

McNewPants2013 Mon 17-Jun-13 09:42:49

I would tell my sister that I will be going to our parents celebration and I know all my other siblings will do the same.

digerd Mon 17-Jun-13 09:57:33

Sounds possible she is doing this to spite DM? hmm

DarkWinter Mon 17-Jun-13 12:57:25

As I understand it, neither the DM nor the DSis have booked anything? So there's no "real" clash - if your DM did have firm plans, that would be different. One of them needs to get a wriggle on and send the invites out, tbh.

GreenShadow Mon 17-Jun-13 15:16:16

Starting to feel guilty here as we also got married on my DP wedding anniversary, but it was only there 27th. They themselves had married the day before DM's parent's anniversary.

theweekendisnear Mon 17-Jun-13 16:52:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5Foot5 Mon 17-Jun-13 17:03:55

It sounds like your DM would change her own plans so as not to make trouble but that really isn't fair is it?

If I were you I would definitely be making my feelings known to DSis that I think she is being selfish if she goes ahead with that date. After all, she could choose a different date for her wedding but your DM can't choose a different date for her anniversary - it is when it is.

Would it be worth hinting to your DSis that if she did get married that day then she would risk your parents rather stealing her thunder because obviously the rest of the family would want to make a big fuss of your parents on their special day.....

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 17-Jun-13 17:10:45

I wouldn't be hinting - I would be telling your sister not to be such a self centered madam and that if she goes ahead with it she needs to be prepared for your parents and yourself not to attend - then have strong words with your parents about not changing their plans. 50 years together out trumps getting married, for the second time, (as BOF said) on the anniversary of bonking!

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