Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

To be annoyed at DP

(42 Posts)
Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 19:46:30

DP has youngish children who live a couple of hours away. Meant to be staying at mine over the weekend. We make journey there and back to pick up and drop off. Ex has just informed him that he needs to pick up at 6.45 am as she's working. Note that he was only told now because he rang about some other matter so when we would have found this out is anyone's guess.

What gets me irate is the way he accepts anything she says, it's like she says jump and he says how high. I was going to accompany him there but now he has to leave work early that day as in 6am to get there. There's no way I can go and I'm annoyed that all our plans for the weekend have to changed now. I'm even more annoyed by him not being annoyed himself. AIBU?

Finola1step Sun 16-Jun-13 19:52:23

I know you are frustrated but, in this particular situation, what else can he do?

So the mother of his children has to go to work at a particular time. Quite right that their father should be there to look after his own children.

It does sound like though that there is a lot more to this OP.

gostraighttojail Sun 16-Jun-13 19:53:16

I don't quite understand. Does he have to leave at 6am? It's not that early, to be fair. You could get up at 5.45 if you are well prepared the night before.
Or does he have to leave work early at 6am? In this case, he must work bizarre hours.
I think you need to be more flexible and put the interests of the kids first. But I think you are totally within your rights to ask for as much notice as possible when there is a change of plan.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 19:55:18

A bit of notice would be nice that's all, after all its not like its just around the corner. Shifts are planned way in advance after all

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 20:08:33

It's the not telling us about the change of plan I'm mad about and most of all the fact he is NEVER annoyed by this. It is like she can do no wrong and if I complain which I have about this then it's my fault and I'm giving him grief

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 16-Jun-13 20:13:41

This is what happens when you've got kids. It's unfortunate that he lives a couple of hours away from them as this makes it more difficult to be there doing his full share. But working as a team is par for the course when you share kids. Or it should be.

Yes, there should be better communication and he wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for this. They can't be an effective parenting team if they don't communicate well with each other.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 16-Jun-13 20:15:16

it is frustrating i agree, there are times when times/plans have been changed and i feel like i matter the least in the pecking order but ive come to realise that is how it should be if it means that the children come first. if it was the ex coming first i think id find it more difficult

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 16-Jun-13 20:19:01

DH´s ex does this. We never moan or fall out with each other over the things she does. As I am sure, half the time, that is why she does it.

I would just support him in any way I could. He is getting to see his kids and I´m sure that´s how he sees it too.

For some it's a way of making life difficult, but sometimes it's just the way it is and separated parents need to work together for the best interests of the children.

DP was due to collect his DD from Perth, we live in London. He booked a flight to Edinburgh and a rental car. He booked a return journey for himself and DD. All non-refundable. The day before he was due to fly, his ex said that they hadn't gone to her friend's in Scotland after all and DD had to be collected from her home town. Over £300 of our money wasted, plus another £130 paid out for train fares. At least all your DP had to do was leave work a little earlier.

PenelopePortrait Sun 16-Jun-13 20:24:34

Clarerayner. Tell me about it. I call DH'sX 'the Blessed Saint Barbara', she can do no wrong. I really irritates me that the can be no critisism of her, it's bizarre.

I used to say the same 'if she says jump you say how high' but it has got better as time has gone on. I think that she just grabbed on to any bit of control she could, sad really. There is no need now for them to have any contact. Which he doesn't thank God.

livinginwonderland Sun 16-Jun-13 20:26:44

DP's ex does things like this to try and cause problems with us. She does it purposefully to cause an argument and then gets pissed off because it doesn't, which is probably why he just goes along with things.

There's no point letting it cause arguments and showing her it's upsetting you. I understand it's frustrating but he wants to see his kids and they deserve to see him too, without seeing their parents fight and bicker about it.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 20:33:35

Thank you for understanding what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel I'm going mad and am so fed up of feeling like the 'baddie'

Believe me I'm not against children coming first far from it but actually I don't see how it benefits children to be dragged out of bed at 7 am making them tired for a full day out we had planned and a night away. It wasn't altered for their benefit but for the ex,s benefit.

It does my head in that they are not more organised. By the way this is not a new relationship that I have just walked into and am trying to lay down the law, it's been 4 yrs. She appears totally blameless in his eyes. I think it would take the heat out of it if he would just occasionally say she's a pain in the arse or similar

ThoughtsPlease Sun 16-Jun-13 20:47:16

I thought you said that the ex now had to work so that is why she needed to change the arrangements? Depending on what she does I would have thought that that may be out of her control?

What is wrong with getting children up at 7am?

Although I am every confused by them living several hours away, but your DP leaving at 6 am to collect at 6.45am, but the children aren't getting up until 7am? Or have I misunderstood? confused

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 20:53:56

I can't say too much more in case I out myself just to say that I'm fed up with it being assumed we can get there for that time, there being no communication regarding this although they speak most days an the fact he is never annoyed by anything she does and when I get pissed off I'm the " baddie"

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 20:57:11

He probably is annoyed, but doesn't let on as you'll be pissed off!

ThoughtsPlease Sun 16-Jun-13 21:00:23

Still confused!

As others have said really what is wrong with her asking your DP to collect their children a bit earlier as she now has to work?

You can argue about this sort of thing and make life difficult or actually work together.

Are you annoyed that you have to get up early? If the children are still young as you said, and you have been with your DP for 4 years think about how his ex has dealt with 'getting up early' and 'in the night' regularly which she must have done a lot.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 21:03:36

It's not really being altered for her benefit if she has to work! If she was planning a shopping trip or a spa day, you might have a point, but the woman has to work. No doubt she is paying more towards her children's lives than her ex is, even if he does pay maintenance.

7am isn't early for children to be getting out of bed.

I think it's a bit pathetic that you say 'it would take the heat out of it if he would say she's a pain in the arse'. Why would it take heat out of it if he got annoyed? Surely logic dictates that him staying calm about it prevents the 'heat'.

They are his children, and if he doesn't mind being flexible, then that's a good thing. It's a required part of being a decent parent.

You sound like you want him to be pissed off and stressed with his ex just to appease your illogical wants. Why do you want him to get annoyed with his co parent and have his children have to deal with parents that can't be flexible and supportive of each other?

I get that you are an important commitment in his life as well, but you don't even come close to the responsibility and commitment he has towards his own young children. But you are coming across as the 'baddie' because you are causing a problem by complaining when the people that matter the most, the children and their two parents, don't have a problem at all.

You are having a go at him over something he can't control. It's not up to him how his ex deals with things, and even if she does make things difficult he still needs to be reliable for his children. The only alternative is that he creates an argument about something he doesn't mind just to keep you happy, and two children have separated and arguing parents.

Your DP is doing the right thing by his children by being flexible with arrangements.

pianodoodle Sun 16-Jun-13 21:03:54

Probably best not to involve yourself with how they arrange things to do with their children.

Although you've been with your dp a good while, managing the kids between them is still their job, and if he isn't complaining about how she does things, your input may feel like interfering - even if you do feel a bit put out now and then.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 21:07:42

Sorry, I've made an assumption there that its two children, and I could well be wrong!

PenelopePortrait Sun 16-Jun-13 21:28:32

clouds why is the OP being illogical and the baddie? She hasn't done or said anything. Wonder when the X was going to tell OP's DP that arrangements had changed? Telepathy? Now that strikes me as illogical.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 21:37:43

He is reliable for his kids and flexible and that's fine. All I'm doing is letting off a bit of steam due to the frustration

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 21:40:11

it's illogical because she implies she would be less pissed off if her DP complained to his ex, or at least complained about her behind her back. She is saying that it would be less of a problem if two people that currently don't have a problem, do have a problem. That's illogical.

I used the word baddie because that's what the OP says she feels like when she complains.

I don't understand the times at all....

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 21:48:02

I can't explain the times further suffice to say its taken for granted that its ok with us without ant communication

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 21:54:21

CLOUDS yes of course I would be less pissed off if my DP showed some understanding of my point of view, who wouldn't be I'm only human. I'm not expecting a showdown between them, but everybody likes to feel understood

PenelopePortrait Sun 16-Jun-13 21:55:59

Well I understand OP completely. It wouldn't change DP's actions but it would 'help' (I can't think of a better word) OP for him to acknowledge that X's behavior is unreasonable. Bloody frustrating when you both know she's being awkward for no other reason than being awkward.

Never mind OP, the children will eventually suss out who is being unreasonable.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 21:58:51

Thank you Penelope couldn't have put it better myself x

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 22:05:54

Understanding your POV is not the same as him complaining about her. YANBU to want understanding, but YABU if you expect his understanding to mean that he agrees with you.

I expect there are other things his ex has done in the past that have frustrated you, but in the instance you have posted about, it doesn't sound like she has done much wrong to me.

She could have told him she needed to work a different time sooner, but if you are talking about next weekend, (its not clear from the OP) then she has given him a weeks notice. And it's only a change of pick up time, it's not like she's changed days.

How much notice did she give about it?

It doesn't sound to me lie she's being awkward for the sake of being awkward. It sounds like her work time has changed and she is reasonably expecting her co parent to look after his children a little bit earlier than planned. If they speak to each other frequently then they probably have quite a good parenting relationship. That's a good thing, and it says more about your DP being a good person than complaining about his ex would say.

PenelopePortrait Sun 16-Jun-13 22:12:04

You are right when you say it says more about him being a good person. My DH is a lovely man and just wants everyone to be happy, presumably that's the reason he stayed with the selfish, controlling old bag for so long.

But the OP is just sounding off, because some of us aren't quite so selfless and feel a bit pissed off now and again. We get it off our chests on here and then carry on. smile

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 22:14:26

Yes he's a good person but even good people recognise and occasionally have a little moan about someone who messes with or isnt clear about arrangements. Work times hadn't been altered they were known about a while ago but he was only told because he rang about another matter

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 22:18:14

Here here Penelope absolutely spot on again. DP is just trying to keep everyone happy which is a good trait but yes I do get pissed off now and again and need to have a rant

maddening Sun 16-Jun-13 22:21:04

maybe he needs to handle it differently - so 4 days before contact he calls specifically to arrange pick up.

then if pick up is really early due to her work he can suggest he picks up night before so dc don't have to get up early etc.

it sounds like he needs to work on his communication a bit.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 22:26:55

Having a rant is obviously fine! If that's all it is, then go for it. smile

I just think it's a bit off to want someone to complain and get annoyed about their children's other parent, especially if that other parent hasn't done anything wrong.

I probably get unreasonably annoyed threads like this though because my ex's DP doesn't like the fact that my ex and I have a good relationship where we help each other out, and I honestly can't see her problem.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 22:32:01

CLOUDS yes I can see what your saying. Thing is I don't want him to have a bad relationship with her as that would just make life more difficult for everyone concerned especially the children. I only want him to see what I see sometimes and not give the impression she is some kind of saint. We will talk it through after a bit of a row and sort it out, we usually do

helenthemadex Sun 16-Jun-13 22:38:41

Im not sure how she is messing him about, she told him about the change in plenty of time, she has to work, its not like she is off on a jolly somewhere. She is working to support herself and his children. I dont see how this affects you or the plans you have made, he is the one travelling to collect them early, if they are tired still they will sleep in the car.

He sounds like a good man and most importantly a good father, he doing the right thing by his children, so instead of moaning like a spoilt child because he chooses to put his 'youngish' children as a priority perhaps you need to recognise what a good man you have supporting the mother of his children, because sadly many don't.

This is part and parcel of life with a man who has children, their needs should come first

squeakytoy Sun 16-Jun-13 22:45:41

you have a weeks notice.. how much more do you need??

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 22:49:40

Again I will say we only had a weeks notice because he rang about a different matter if he hadn't then we probably would only have had a day as in previous times.

I an not a "spoilt child" simply because I have feelings and emotions. I don't make demands or try to control matters and I have said several times on this post that I do NOT want them to fall out

squeakytoy Sun 16-Jun-13 22:51:29

you are just assuming that though.. you say he talks to her daily

pianodoodle Sun 16-Jun-13 23:05:59

I'm sorry but... Do people actually believe/assume that their dps only stayed with their exes, got married and had children with them, (despite them being such controlling old bags) because they are just such nice guys and just want everyone to be happy?!

Are you sure? Lol

pianodoodle Sun 16-Jun-13 23:12:17

You can't force him to see what you "see" - you want to change his perspective of the mother of his children for no reason that will benefit anyone but yourself.

PenelopePortrait Mon 17-Jun-13 07:13:12

clouds well there are plenty of women who would have us believe that they stay with controlling bastards because they want "everyone" to be happy, so why shouldn't that apply to men.

There are men around who try to make the best of a poor relationship, just like there are some women.

And I believe that DH'sX would like nothing better than to cuts trouble between DH and I, so I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. No matter what her unreasonable demands were, I me my counsel but fumed silently.

Crinkle77 Mon 17-Jun-13 18:44:51

Would it not be better for your husband to get the children the night before or is that out of the question. If they live a 2 hour drive away and he has to pick them up at 6.45 he would need to leave the house at 4.45 and be up about 4. That's ridiculous!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now