to cut my mother off once and for all?

(31 Posts)
ruledbyheart Sun 16-Jun-13 18:26:20

Going to be long sorry in advance.

My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship, from the age of 9 it was very clear my sister was the favorite.
At 14 she threw me out for being a nightmare teen which I admittedly was (smoking dope and skipping school).

After having my DCs I reconciled with her for the DCs sake and moved over 100 miles so she could have a relationship with them.
My marriage broke up and she went against me again blaming me for the DV I recieved and she refused to talk to me for 6mths.

Anyway we reconciled again and got on ok until my Dsis moved back into the area since then its all gone tits up again.

Last week my mother visited and told me in front of my children that Dsis needs the help more than me as she is now a single parent (yet when I was I had no one and 3dc) and my mother helps her because she is a more likeable person not a horrible nasty liar like me, this all came about because I was admitted to hospital a couple of weeks ago at 28 weeks pregnant with a kidney infection and not one person asked how me or baby was so I put on facebook that I give up with people in general, which my sister saw and took it personally and told my mum her friend told her I'd been slagging them all off (I didnt and funnily enough said friend isnt on my Facebook so in other words Dsis saw it and played the I'm a bitch card).

Anyway I digress she slagged me off in front my DC and I am annoyed at that, ended up in hospital this weekend with contractions (30 weeks) which midwifes blame on stress and again not a single call or text to find out if me and baby are ok (yes she knows I was admitted and why).

Yesterday my DP arranged a beautiful surprise baby shower with my best friend for me, none of my family turned up, obviously my sister because she isn't talking to me about facebook, and my DP says he invited my mother weeks ago by text and she didn't even bother to respond to him with a yes or no and has ignored all contact by him about it.

She also said she only hasnt said what she thinks about me brutally because she wants to have a relationship with my DCs but then she obviously doesn't really give a fig.

So after all of this I am at my wits end she has in my opinion been extremely rude ignoring my DP (couldn't care that she didn't attend my baby shower but a simple no in response would have done) she doesn't like me and thats fine but I am thinking that I should just cut her off from both me and DC because of it all, I am worried that her slagging me off in front of the DC will cause issues in the future.

AIBU to text her and tell her that no further visits or contact with me or DC will be acceptable for the above reasons?

Really she brings nothing to your life but stress and misery, why would you want your children near her, and have them exposed to crap about you from her. Cut her off if you like, don't tell her just stop communicating and delete them all from FB. You, your Dh and th children are your family and most important in your life now.

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 16-Jun-13 18:42:36

YANBU to break contact.
It seems to me you have done all you can to have a relationship with both of them
Delete them from Facebook and cut out as much stress as you can...i.e. Those two

peppapigmustdie Sun 16-Jun-13 18:44:44

I wouldn't even bother texting her to be honest, no more communication from this point forward.
If she gets in touch either tell her why you can no longer continue with this damaging relationship or get dp to explain that the stress is putting you send the new baby at risk.
She doesn't enhance your life in anyway and is in danger of hurting your dc's by criticising you in front of them.
Enjoy the family you do have and who add to your quality of life as it sounds sadly as though you will never please her or be the person she wants you to be, you are at the moment a verbal punch bag for her.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the future.

helenthemadex Sun 16-Jun-13 18:48:43

YANBU you have done all the work to try and have a relationship with them, but they sound like horrible toxic people and quite frankly I would not bother telling them, as SquinkiesRule said just stop communicating with them.

They bring nothing positive to your life, just a lot of stress so cute them out and get on with your life with your DP and DC

loveliesbleeding1 Sun 16-Jun-13 18:48:44

Hiya sorry to see you are having problems I dont know the answer, only you know in your heart what you should do, but if you do continue to see her she will have to be told that in no way can she slag you off in front of your kids, that is so disrespectful, and to me it seems she is acting hurtfully and childishly in not asking how you all are, please try until not to stress over it, just dont contact her and see what happens? I know its hard as have been in same situ, all the best

Mintyy Sun 16-Jun-13 18:49:35

Well ... yanbu ... but it all seems extremely muddled and some of it rather petty. I'm afraid I glazed over when it came to baby showers and facebook.

If you feel she has treated you badly then how about properly and articulately explaining why and see what happens?

If you still get a poor response with no acceptance that there is any blame on her part, well then, fair enough.

nenevomito Sun 16-Jun-13 18:52:53

Cut her out, but don't bother with the text.

If you text her I'll bet she'll show it to everyone to prove what an awful person you are. Either tell her to her face, or just ease her out and don't get in contact with her.

Cutting her out is a good idea. Text is a bad idea.

ruledbyheart Sun 16-Jun-13 18:53:29

The only reason I was thinking of texting as she has already arranged to come over next weekend and I don't want the confrontation on my doorstep or my DC to pretend we aren't here, can't go out either as DP working on planned day and with everything healthwise me taking 3 DC under 5 out on my own is practically impossible, although I have no idea what I would write either in a message.

It's a shame as DCs love her and she is great with them but she makes it clear and has said dsis dc is her favorite (in front of my dc) for example DC2s birthday was a couple of weeks ago and she sent a card thats it no call or anything not even a token gift, yet nephew got a lot of expensive gifts from her for his birthday.

ruledbyheart Sun 16-Jun-13 18:58:57

There is a lot more history Mintyy than the above, I have sat with her and discussed everything with her time and again but it always ends up with me being talked over and down too saying if I hadn't done such and such 10yrs ago then it wouldn't like it is now and if I was a nicer person then she might like me a bit more (honestly hand on heart cannot understand what is so horrible about me I don't do anything that would offend her and always try to be a nice person).

I really feel for you, it's not an easy decision. She is, after all, your Mum and I can understand that you want to get on with her but there seems to be a lot of history which is getting in the way.

Maybe you could consider just moving away and loosening ties without severing them altogether and seeing how that goes? Cutting off all ties would be something that's very easy to do when you're very angry but very hard to undo later.

ruledbyheart Sun 16-Jun-13 19:02:08

Also facebook is very petty not really sure I even understand the problem there but obviously I have somehow offended her (she can't see my Facebook either) and the baby shower is also petty but I was annoyed at the rudeness of ignoring my partner on top of everything else it just feels like the final straw as she is always rude about DP but never until now to him.

raisah Sun 16-Jun-13 19:17:05

just cut contact, don't tell them as communicating with them will cause you further stress. You need to stay focussed & pregnant for as long as you can. I had my ds at 26 weeks so know how stressful it is to have a baby so early. I avoided all forms of stress second time round & so must yoy. It is difficult to accept as a mother to accept that your own mother doesn't care about but you need to move past this & dont replicate her behaviour with your own kids.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 16-Jun-13 19:39:05

Certainly not unreasonable.

Why do you think that such a vile person has the potential to bring anything good into your children's lives when they brought nothing good into yours?

BegoniaBampot Sun 16-Jun-13 19:46:47

TBH, not knowing you or your mother I have no idea who is unreasonable here given what you have said. But if you are stressed out and you really feel she brings nothing to your life then you might be better breaking contact.

Mia4 Sun 16-Jun-13 19:51:00

YANBU at all. Cut off the toxic waste of space.

Also think on this, a mother who has 'favourites' like that certainly will be a grandmother who has favourites and harms her grandkids too- don't let that happen to your babies.

Mia4 Sun 16-Jun-13 19:52:37

Also I'd consider distancing from your sister too. Take them all off your fb and block them. I' so sorry OP.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Sun 16-Jun-13 20:33:26

It sounds like you're the scapegoat and your sister the golden child.

How likely is she to turn up on your doorstep ranting and raving? Do you live close to her?

Whocansay Sun 16-Jun-13 20:34:58

YANBU

I would:

1) Send a text telling your mother that next weekend is no longer convenient (you don't have to give a reason) and merely say that you will rearrange. Then fail to do so.

2) Hide your mother and sister on Facebook.

3) Ignore and do not contact them.

There's no point having it out with them. They will twist everything round and anything you put in writing will be used against you. Just stop contacting them. I wouldn't want my children to be treated as inferiors to my sisters children. That would be the deal breaker for me.

Corygal Sun 16-Jun-13 20:39:15

Sadly, you're dead right. Resist the temptation of a showdown, tho. Just don't get in touch.

ruledbyheart Sun 16-Jun-13 20:52:55

Thankfully my mother isn't on my Facebook and I have deleted my sister.
Unfortunately my mum lives 5 minutes away from me so the probability of her just turning up is quite likely which is probably why I find it difficult to just cut her off, if I could pack up and leave I would but unfortunately financial and health circumstances make it extremely difficult at the moment.

Just fed up and upset at the moment as it feels like she is purposly wind me up, like last week we were talking and I told her how impatient and hormonal I was at the moment and it feels like she then took it as a challenge - like lets see how much we can upset the pregnant person before she cries or kicks me out sort of thing, petty yes but probably not that wrong on her mentality.

sparechange Mon 17-Jun-13 13:37:07

Why do you want your children to have a relationship with such an unpleasant woman?
I would do everything I could to keep them away from her, and to keep them away from witnessing her bullying, especially as your sister is 'normalising' her behaviour by playing up to it

It is really horrible (and I've had to do the same with my mother, so I know this isn't something anyone does lightly) but I had such a wonderful feeling of relief to know I didn't have to tread on eggshells any more
(and my mother also likes to label people 'liars'... It generally translates as 'person who doesn't think the sun shines out of my arse')

SusanneLinder Mon 17-Jun-13 13:44:03

DH and I have cut off all ties with PIL, BIL and SIL for equally toxic relationships, mainly to him and not me.

Life has become so much more stress free, without their poison. grin. If a friend treated you like this, you would cut them out without a moments thought. Really don't see why it's so different because you happen to be blood related. YANBU

sparechange Mon 17-Jun-13 13:48:52

SusanneLinder - you've nailed it!
People don't get a free pass to treat you like shit because you share DNA. If they aren't as nice as your friends, wave them along

Snazzywaitingforsummer Mon 17-Jun-13 13:50:12

As suggested send a text saying 'Cancelling next weekend's plans. We won't be there'. Then if she does come round don't answer the door. I agree with the posts saying don't tell her you are now cutting her off, just do it.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Mon 17-Jun-13 15:27:00

You can go low-contact first and that might be a good idea if you don't want her hounding you throughout your last trimester.

Don't invite her to your home, don't go to her home or your sisters but instead meet her at neutral locations like in a cafe or a park. Be careful of the information you share with her. If she asks how you are, you're fine. If she asks how the kids are, they're fine. Even if things are not fine, especially if things are not fine. Don't give her any foothold in your life. No ammunition to use against you later.

When you're around her, keep the conversation on neutral subjects, present a bland face and ignore any barbed comments she may make. You'll piss her off more by not rising to the bait than if you try and justify yourself and your actions.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Mon 17-Jun-13 15:32:31

You've been unwell in this pregnancy so you can claim to have extra doctors or midwife appointments. Birthday parties for your DCs at the weekend.

KellyElly Mon 17-Jun-13 15:46:32

I have cut off my mother and truly I am not sad about it at all, in fact it's the best thing I ever did. After a lifetime of put downs, anger, never being good enough and having my character assasinated it was a relief tbh. I feel happier and free.

Like KellyElly I have cut off my mother and it's the best thing I ever did.

It was a hard decision to make but I'd finally had enough and just simply stopped all contact. I didn't announce it, just stopped making the effort - it's been about a year now and it has been great. I had no idea just how much damage a relationship with her was doing to me until it stopped. No-one can tell you if its the right thing for you or not, but if you feel like its the right thing to do, it probably is - some people (unfortunately) just aren't worth it, no matter how much you'd like them to be

digerd Mon 17-Jun-13 16:18:42

Your DM and sis are nasty pieces of work. You would be better off with neither in your life. Also feel sorry for your DP. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and take care of yourself.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Mon 17-Jun-13 19:07:39

They both sound awful and like others have said you will be better off without them in your life, I let go of some toxic people and a lot of stress went away with it. Good luck

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