To be disappointed that my sister is pregnant too

(188 Posts)
itsmyturnnow Sat 15-Jun-13 20:39:17

I'm pregnant with my first child, and announced it a couple of weeks ago. V. v. excited. My sister has just announced that she is pregnant with her third.

She's had a lot of attention - she had the first grandchild - a girl, then she had a lot of problems trying for her second - a boy (so the family now has one of each gender) and I was really there for her and supportive through it all and delighted for her, and I LOVE my niece and nevvy, but now I feel like this is meant to by MY time and she's pregnant again.

I must admit my heart sank when she announced her news, and I don't feel good about that, but it's just the truth. She's a very bubbly, centre of attention kind of person so we were both at mum's last night and all the chat was on her, her symptoms, what names go with her existing dcs and the only thing they really said about me was that I'm lucky as I'm not really suffering many symptoms except tiredness so far whereas she's got everything in the book.

Does anyone know where I'm coming from? sad

Sparklingbrook Sat 15-Jun-13 20:40:42

I think this is unreasonable but understandable.

kilmuir Sat 15-Jun-13 20:41:33

she does sound a bit of a pain.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 15-Jun-13 20:42:13

I sort of do..but it will be lovely for your children to be so close in age in the end, I think, so dont despair smile

CaptainSweatPants Sat 15-Jun-13 20:43:27

Maybe you need to have a word with your mum to say you feel left out ?

LittleBearPad Sat 15-Jun-13 20:43:38

YABU I'm afraid to be upset she's pregnant. YANBU to perhaps want a little more attention. If your sister is an extrovert and you aren't then quite probably she'd be the centre of attention, pregnant or not.

HotCrossPun Sat 15-Jun-13 20:43:57

I understand where you are coming from.

But if you start thinking like this now, it's just going to make you miserable throughout your pregnancy.

Try not to focus on her and just enjoy your own pregnancy experience.

And Congratulations thanks

DTisMYdoctor Sat 15-Jun-13 20:44:07

YABU but I do understand where you're coming from. Nothing can take away from you how exciting it is that your first child is on its way and it will only feel like a competition if you let it. It'll be lovely for your child to have a cousin the same age.


babyhmummy01 Sat 15-Jun-13 20:46:26

I wouldn't say you were being unreasonable as such, but I think your reaction is perfectly natural! I am fairly sure my sister is p*ssed at me for being pregnant as it has taken some attention away from her impending wedding - I was told for 17 years that I couldn't have kids so it has come as a massive shock and everyone in the family is focussing on this rather than her wedding which I feel awful about cos her big day should be at the forefront. Luckily we are quite close so there is no animosity directed at me but I wouldn't expect her to be over the moon.

You could talk to your sister about how you feel, she may not have realised. I suspect she will be upset that you feel this way, have you tried looking at it from a different perspective - at this these cousins can grow up really close, you have someone on hand who will know and understand exactly how you feel through everything and offer support etc...I would kill to have a close friend/family member to go through this with esp one who has done it before and can slap me down when my anxiety goes into overdrive about every ache and pain!

Methe Sat 15-Jun-13 20:47:04

She sounds quite inconsiderate sad

WafflyVersatile Sat 15-Jun-13 20:48:31

Entirely understandable.

If it makes you feel any better my sister got engaged on Christmas. she next saw their friends at NY by which time a couple who had only been together a short while had also got engaged. That couple got pregnant on honeymoon while my sister took over a year to conceive.

Then her pregnancy announcement coincided with our brother's engagement announcement, quickly followed by their (rushed) wedding and their own pregnancy announcement. And they beat her to having the first grandchild by 10 days.

SnoopySnoopyDoggDogg Sat 15-Jun-13 20:48:41

No, you're not BU it is perfectly understandable to privately be a bit miffed. Its unfortunately something you will have to come to terms with but I totally get the feeling a bit left out now, your first pregnancy is a massive deal to you so maybe a little word with your mum might help if she's likely to be understanding? Otherwise its probably just a case of having to suck it up, in the long term it will be lovely for your children to be close in age and like as not by your second or third time round you might look back on how you feel now and be a bit blush BUT that doesn't make how you feel a t less valid at the moment.

Congrats on your pregnancy and try to just enjoy it as much as poss.

Notfootball Sat 15-Jun-13 20:48:54

Fine to feel like this, just don't say it out loud. It will be great to go through your pregnancies together and for your children to be so close in age, lucky cousins. First pregnancies are very special, you feel like you are the only pregnant woman in the world; enjoy it.

raisah Sat 15-Jun-13 20:49:31

you need to snap out of this thinking because you will drive yourself potty comparing everything re your dc until the day you die. It is understandable why you feel this way but you are being v precious. Think of the positives, that your new baby will get a playmate/ cousin the same age. You need to think positively otherwise you will become bitter and twisted.

Jinsei Sat 15-Jun-13 20:50:55

Change the way you look at it. I was pregnant at the same time as my (older) DSis, and in many ways, I think it brought us closer together to go through stuff together. Also, our DCs are only a few weeks apart and get on like a house on fire!

cogitosum Sat 15-Jun-13 20:51:28

I know exactly how you feel! I'm
Due in 4 weeks and my dsis is due in dec it really upset me as I feel my ds will only have a few months of being the youngest and Christmas will all be about her baby. (she'll be induced at beginning of dec).

Similar as well it's my first and her third (she had twins before) and also she had health issues last time so it's all dramatic

It's completely unreasonable and I feel like a real bitch but it really upsets me!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 15-Jun-13 20:53:06

It's not especially nice or worthy - but it is understandable grin

Maybe try to have some time with your parents on your own so you can be the focus in your own quiet way. I'm sure they are super thrilled that you are pregnant smile

gruber Sat 15-Jun-13 20:53:57

Completely get where you're coming from. I was very miffed (to put it mildly) when my SIL announced her pregnancy (first month of trying) whereas DH & I were 10 months in and worried... Then sadly she miscarried. I then fell pregnant, so did she shortly after, so we were pregnant for most of the same time & I did feel a bit put out at having to share the attention. So I completely sympathise

What helped was all my friends are separate to hers so even though family was tough, among friends it was just me which was helpful.

frutilla Sat 15-Jun-13 20:54:40

This doesn't seem to be an issue about you both being pregnant, but more about her always insisting on being the centre of attention. You finally had your chance to be important and now she's vying for the attention again. So I would say....YANBU!

fatfinger Sat 15-Jun-13 20:54:53

Nope, don't see where you're coming from. YABU. You've just got pregnant, this isn't an exclusive club to be in!

It is a special time for you and your partner though, enjoy it in this context but don't get the hump with your sister.

AThingInYourLife Sat 15-Jun-13 20:55:02

I'm amazed that the attention is on her.

First pregnancies are way more exciting than boring old thirds.

I've been pregnant same time as my sister twice and it was great and great having kids close in age smile

Sparklymommy Sat 15-Jun-13 20:55:40

Totally understand how you feel but I tend to agree that you are bu. your children are going to be close (hopefully) and you should be looking at this from a more positive viewpoint. You can share this experience and support each other.

pinkr Sat 15-Jun-13 20:57:27

I'm due for Weeks before my sisters wedding but i'm sure she doesn't mind one bit. It's a shame you have to see it as a competitive thing...each child and pregnancy it's just as special as the other.

Trills Sat 15-Jun-13 20:59:23

You are clearly being unreasonable, yes. I hope you understand this. She has not got pregnant in order to spite you or take attention away from you. If you bring this up with anyone they will think you are being petty and ridiculous.

It's understandable that you wanted to be the centre of attention. That's normal. But you are still being unreasonable.

LittleBearPad Sat 15-Jun-13 21:01:10

Cogito. You'll have a 6 month old at Christmas. Far more fun to watch, sitting up and grabbing things than a teeny baby as cute as they are.

Ilovesunflowers Sat 15-Jun-13 21:01:16

Be glad you can have children. I can't. It sounds like you are spitting your dummy out as you wanted a ton of attention but aren't getting it. You're an adult (presumably) so maybe be rational like an adult should be.

Mollydoggerson Sat 15-Jun-13 21:02:12

You can't change your attention seeking sister,
You can't change your pandering mother.
Just change yourself, you don't need their attention or approval, just focus on yourself, your excitement, your pregnancy and your baby.

bedmonster Sat 15-Jun-13 21:02:47

YABU. I was the first out of my brother and I to have a baby. Then I had another one. 2 girls. Then dbro had a baby girl. Lovely. Then I fell pg again while they were trying. My scan confirmed I was having a boy. Then they fell pg and had a boy too. In their eyes, I probably 'beat them to everything'. In my eyes, I was getting on with my own life and having a family. I definitely didn't have any of my DC for attention. I had them because I wanted them.
If you wanted yours too, just be happy with that. You don't want horrible pregnancy symptoms just for attention. Be happy that you have a baby on the way, try not to see it as a competition.
Congrats smile

maillotjaune Sat 15-Jun-13 21:03:06

My third was born 3 weeks after my sister's first....

I remember feeling guilty when I told her because I wanted it to be a special time for her but actually I am very definitely not a bubbly, centre of attention kind of person so this was never likely to happen.

Can see where you're coming from, but the attention is being given by other people e.g. your mum so not entirely your sister's fault.

apostropheuse Sat 15-Jun-13 21:05:00

YABU. It's all a bit childish to be perfectly honest.

All babies, and therefore pregnancies, are special. Rejoice in your good news and rejoice in her good news.

I really in all honesty cannot understand how one pregnant woman can be jealous of another pregnant woman - just because she's pregnant at the same time as her - especially when the women concerned are sisters.

If you had come on here and said you were having difficulties conceiving and your sister had just got pregnant for the third time I may have understood, but this is just plain daft.

1944girl Sat 15-Jun-13 21:06:29

When I was pregnant with my first, my sister was also pregnant, with her second.Her baby was due a month after mine.
I did not feel put out, in fact I was happy for her.Reason being she was forced to give her first baby up for adoption as at the time she was unmarried and her baby's father had abandoned her.This was in the late 60s when there differant attitudes to unmarried mothers.This time she was married-differant father.
The only time I felt a bit put out was that she had an easy birth while mine was anything but.My mother said she had hers as easily as shelling peas

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 15-Jun-13 21:06:55

I completely get how you feel my sister had her second six weeks prior to my first. I was quite hmm when my Mum told me that she wouldn't be able to come and help me as my sister would need her more. To be honest as she popped her DD out and quickly got breast feeding. Whereas I had a 40 hour laboured with a horrible terrifying surgical delivery in theatre and then terrible anaemia with a baby that wouldn't grow when I fed her. But still her needs were greater than minehmm.
But whilst all that is still inside I have to put it aside otherwise it would destroy my relationship with my Mum and Sister.

Smudging Sat 15-Jun-13 21:08:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megsmouse Sat 15-Jun-13 21:08:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BirdyBedtime Sat 15-Jun-13 21:08:44

YAB a bit U. My DSiS can't have children so I''d have given anything for her to be pregnant at any time BUT there is also a tiny part of me that thinks YANBU as it's your first. Just focus on the positives and hope that at the end of the day you both have healthy children.

Pinkflipflop Sat 15-Jun-13 21:09:02

YANBU! When you are pregnant with your first dc it is such a happy special time and it's lovely to have a fuss made of you.

Don't feel bad for the way you feel! I wouldn't mention anything to your sister or family as you might sound a bit precious but moan away on here!

Sister probably is just as happy and excited to be pg with third as you are with first though! <runs away>

missinternationallove985 Sat 15-Jun-13 21:09:27

I know exactly where you're coming from. This is a long story. I will make it as brief as I can
I was very very jealous of my friend who became pregnant back in 1997. Going from the attention she got you'd been forgiven for mistaken she was carrying the next Jesus Christ. I also became pregnant but lost the baby 4 weeks after conception, but I didn't really feel jealous anymore more inferior.
Almost a year after m/c I was pregnant again and my friend was delighted for me, I felt so guilty then for being jealous of her. A few months into my pregnancy. My friend announced I think I 'm pregnant again, and I was "That's brilliant" However I was secretly very envious thinking the attention would be taken from me and given to her, and she'd not long had her turn in the lime light! It turned out to be a false alarm though. xx

MummaBubba123 Sat 15-Jun-13 21:10:39

Who cares whether you are it you aren't being unreasonable. It's how you feel. I get you ;)
When I was pregnant, my emotions were all iced the show. Try to accept your sister for the wonderful centre of attention that she is and find te with your mum when she's not around. If your mum definitely won't tell her, confide in her. Your time to shine! You might find it nice to have a little cousin for your little one, though - later on.

itsmyturnnow Sat 15-Jun-13 21:12:32

Glad I'm not alone, even if I know it's not really reasonable to feel annoyed with her.

I can totally see how it's going to pan out too, as her children always have 'drama' around them as far as my sister is concerned (worries, problems, allergies, special gifts etc - which always turn out to be nothing and they are just normal kids!)

Oh and she's already said that she's going to be needing mum to come and stay when her baby is born (due 3 weeks after me) as she has 2 other dcs to look after and I'll only just have one tiny newborn to focus on so I'll be fine. I did say to mum about this and said I was hoping she'd come to stay for a good length of time (she went to sis's for 4 weeks with her first and 6 weeks with her second) and mum's response was that she'd come to me when mine is born and then go to my sister's when hers arrives, which will probably be around 2 weeks later, and it will feel like my baby is less important almost straight away. sad

Growlithe Sat 15-Jun-13 21:12:46

I'm sorry, but I think you need to grow up a bit if you are ong to be a parent. Once the baby is born none of the focus will be on you, and you will be grateful of someone close with a baby of a similar age.

babyhmummy01 Sat 15-Jun-13 21:13:01

sunflowers a little unnecessary there!

scottishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 21:14:00

yes,I understand.and on a certain level it's understandable but don't let it grate
congratulation in your happy news.dont compete, and sometimes grin and ignore

expatinscotland Sat 15-Jun-13 21:15:37

WTAF? 'First' grandchild, one of each gender, I feel left out, it's MY time, waaaaahhh.

Are you for real?

Get over it and yourself.

Sparklingbrook Sat 15-Jun-13 21:16:27

Don't worry too much that your Mum may not stay for as long as you want either. You may not feel the same after the baby is born. You may want it to be you, your DH and the baby.

SalaciousCrumb Sat 15-Jun-13 21:17:29

Things will even out. Can understand your feelings at the moment though. I have an extrovert successful older sister. YANBU to feel a bit fed up with her but in other ways YABU.

My sister had her dc a long time before me. She is reluctant to return favours of having mine overnight (says her husband has gone past having small children around - life's taken over for them). All forgotten. I have reminded them but as they work long hours and their dc are grown up it's just not relevant to them.

At least you won't be isolated either; you'll always will have another young family to hook up with.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Sat 15-Jun-13 21:17:59

With both my pregnancies both my sister and my SIL were pregnant at the same time! Talk about something in the water!
Whilst I did want some focus on me, I soon discovered that is what my DH and friends were for.
My Sis and SIL were there for sympathy with pregnancy issues. It was great if I am honest. It felt as though we were all going through it together. Especially with SIL as our due dates were just days apart both times!

We now have children who get on so well, and family gatherings are much more fun for the kids. Also going to school was easier for both of mine as they had a cousin in their class, which made it less scary for them.
I think as you get closer to your due date you may even be glad that you can divert attention to your sister.
Congratulations x

scottishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 21:18:26

id have hated anyone staying after having weans,and certainly not weeks

littlepeas Sat 15-Jun-13 21:18:40

I've had back to back/overlapping pregnancies with my sister in law for the last 5 years. We just started our families at the same time. Our weddings were 6 months apart. No big deal - it's nice for cousins to be close in age. Nobody plans babies around what is going in with anyone else, she won't have done it on purpose, she is as entitled as you to be excited about her pregnancy - my third baby was as wanted and eagerly anticipated as babies one and two. You don't have a baby for fuss and attention, you have a baby because you want a baby - so what if someone else wants one at the same time?

pianodoodle Sat 15-Jun-13 21:19:15

I'd love to be pregnant at the same time as my sister! You will need them so don't mention your feelings as it could cause unnecessary hurt.

Attention during pregnancy is nice but looking back, I felt fine for most of it and would have been happy enough getting my own cup of tea etc...

When you actually need some attention is after the baby is born and you are sore and tired - but by then everyone is stampeding over you to get to the cute baby :D

The exceptions to this are usually people like your mum and sister so keep them close xxx

Smudging Sat 15-Jun-13 21:20:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkflipflop Sat 15-Jun-13 21:20:47

I was certain I wanted my mum to come and stay the minute my baby was born.

Turned out dm was ill with the flu and couldn't come, actually didn't see the baby until he was 3 weeks!

Best thing ever, dh and I fund our own way and took charge as we saw fit.

I wouldn't recommend that anyone has their mum to stay after a baby is born. You just need to get on with it! You'll be fine!

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sat 15-Jun-13 21:21:47

Soooo know where you're coming from.

It took us 7 years of fertility treatment to conceive our twins on the very last round of IVF.First grandchildren.

3 months into the pg and bingo sil conceives her first.I was like you're kidding me.hmm Really!Could you not of waited 6 more months,it had to be now?hmm

Oh and her singleton pg was waaaaay more high maintenance than my twin pg with hg,ditto coping with a newborn.When they were 6 months and 3 months old she actually said "of course singletons are a lot more labour intensive than twins as they need more attention". Took all I had not to say"oh do fuck off,then fuckity fuck off a but more".

We had the last laugh as I had a natural miracle exactly a year after.

hermioneweasley Sat 15-Jun-13 21:22:20

It's understandable how you're feeling, but i suspect it will change when your DC arrives.

Practically, with two other DCs she does need your mum's help

Sparklingbrook Sat 15-Jun-13 21:22:49

I feel the same Pink. Those first few weeks are hard but having my DM stopping here would have made it harder, and I love her with all my heart.

fizzzness Sat 15-Jun-13 21:22:52

god that's so so weird, i actually read your OP slightly freaked out that I'd written it years ago and forgotten writing it, and someone had bumped it. Well fucking weird.

So I had your exact same situation. Our babies are now four. Can tell you I was pretty peeved thru most of the pregnancy, but immediately forgot about it when my baby was born, and now the joy of watching the two little cousins of the same age mostly, almost completely cancels out any occassional annoyance. It'll be cool.

IAgreeCompletely Sat 15-Jun-13 21:23:07

I dont understand why some posters have to be so rude? sad you can disagree with the OP without being so catty.

Sorry, but YABU. I know it is hard but it won't do you any good having such negative feelings. Concerntrate on enjoying your pregnancy thanks

PoppyWearer Sat 15-Jun-13 21:24:41

Know where you are coming from, and completely understand.

My DSis announced her first pregnancy when I was pregnant with DC1, and working out her dates I realised she had literally conceived a week or two after we had announced our pregnancy news. <raises eyebrow>

Her DC2 was also conceived with similar timing. Almost like she couldn't bear for me/us to be the centre of attention.

Ah well, whatever. In the event I was quite glad when the attention switched from me as her DCs were born.

PenelopeLane Sat 15-Jun-13 21:25:27

Sounds like your sis is a real drama queen! Your mum may actually feel quite torn though, and you'll probably find that once the baby is born you'll be surprised by how much time your mum does spend with your baby. And also worth remembering that will be hard for your sister as she's probably used to having your mum's 'grandchildren' time to herself.

I know that it's hard when your pregnant and hormonal, but I had a whole lot of similar concerns when I was pregnant and it was seriously minutes after my baby was born that I realised how silly I'd been.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 15-Jun-13 21:26:04

Perhaps if you were more happy for others they would be happier for you and give you the attention you seek. Sounds v sad to me OP. Babies can't be planned for anyone you know.

expatinscotland Sat 15-Jun-13 21:27:56

Because if the most you have to worry about is being petty, competing (we had the last laugh), comparing what should be the most positive thing in your life with someone else, then you need a reality check at best and a swift kick up the jacksie at worst.

How fucking stupid, to waste time and energy bickering like toddlers with one's own sibling. If one despises a sibling that much, finds her that despicable and has nothing better to do than go online and moan about it, grow a backbone and start distancing from her.

Life's way, way too short to spend niggling over trivial shit like 'first' grandchild, 'first one of this gender', 'she got pregnant first', 'this is MY time', etc etc.

zoobaby Sat 15-Jun-13 21:28:36

Just be thankful that you can get by without the added drama. Far less exhausting that way.

needaholidaynow Sat 15-Jun-13 21:28:52

Don't let her ruin your pregnancy. Enjoy it smile And don't let her ruin your experience of having a baby when your baby is born, because my guess is she'll be even worse by then!

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sat 15-Jun-13 21:28:53

Oh they can for sil,she consistently told us how it only took the one go.

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sat 15-Jun-13 21:29:56

No bickering,plenty of ignoring and seething though.


littlepeas Sat 15-Jun-13 21:31:42

Just be pleased for her and enjoy your own pregnancy. Should be simple really.

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sat 15-Jun-13 21:33:11

On a more positive note op your third can be quite stressful as you're spread thin.You'll be in the singleton first born state of bliss( I've read about) and of course your baby will be the most beautiful baby on the

EverybodysStressyEyed Sat 15-Jun-13 21:35:36

I know how you feel. My dsis announced her second pregnancy a week after ds was born. There is 5 months between them and it did take away from his firsts (Xmas etc) because he wasn't the baby. And then she obviously needed more help because she had two etc.

Now I have a second she is completely doted on because she is the baby and I feel sorry for ds that he didn't really get that (except from me!) but he and his cousin are the best of friends now they are older so it worked out well.

Is your baby going to have doting gp's on your partners side?

WafflyVersatile Sat 15-Jun-13 21:35:59

I suspect 2 weeks will be more than enough.....

Growlithe Sat 15-Jun-13 21:41:36

Why is there all this rivalry for the maternal GPs attention? Why should the GM stay over for weeks after the birth. It's not her child being born is it? She's done her stint with newborns and it sounds like they have been demanding ever since now do yours.

Monty27 Sat 15-Jun-13 21:45:35

Every new baby is as important as the next. You're projecting. Just get on with your own happiness. I had my second at the same time as my dsis had her sixth.

We just enjoyed it together. I must be missing something.

Sibling rivalry maybe?

JohnSnowsTie Sat 15-Jun-13 21:46:05

I understand how you feel. A friend of mine accidentally found out I was pregnant with my third (I gave her a lift and forgot the Bounty pack was in the car) and she smiled through gritted teeth and didn't congratulate me, but she was newly married, very keen to start a family and probably thought it was her time. I don't blame her for feeling that at all.

I'm as far from the attention seeking type as you can get and I felt v guilty - can't wait for the news that she's pregnant herself, she'll be ecstatic!

youmeatsix Sat 15-Jun-13 21:49:44

i'm a bit perplexed TBH. it all sounds very juvenile. speaking to your mother because you want more attention? confused you are pregnant, nothing takes that away, from YOU. that in itself SHOULD be enough for any grown woman, not competing for attention from other people confused

TattyDevine Sat 15-Jun-13 21:50:21

Sorry if I havent' read all the threads or missed something, but what is your relationship with your inlaws?

If its their first or new one in a while, I'd play on it a bit if you feel that way inclined wink

You deserve a fuss as its your first. My sis in law had the 2nd/3rd grandchild to both sides of the fam but got lots of gushy shit as she well deserved, including from me. Its what get you through. Demand it! ya don't ask ya don't get.

specialsubject Sat 15-Jun-13 21:50:57

grow up. You sound about 12. As you are pregnant, I sincerely hope that this is not the case.

SoftlySoftly Sat 15-Jun-13 21:52:55

Wtf posters saying "ignore her" "she sounds a pain" the sister had done fuck all wrong confused.

So she should put off having her desired no of children because you want all the attention? ? She shouldn't talk about her pregnancy or expect your mum to visit when you're mum has said she will fairly split her time.

YABU and I know you are pg so don't want to sound harsh as I gently suggest you get a grip.

SoftlySoftly Sat 15-Jun-13 21:53:33

*your ffs

scottishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 21:54:05

family dynamics,human. relationships don't necessarily make sense,aren't mature
op simply describing an emotion,that defies logic.she knows she shouldn't feel like this
we've all been subject to,that pull of emotion over logic. so long as its not enacted in real life no harm acknowledging it

DeskPlanner Sat 15-Jun-13 21:54:35

YABU, but I do understand.

Mollydoggerson Sat 15-Jun-13 21:57:36

Perhaps if you were more happy for others they would be happier for you and give you the attention you seek. Sounds v sad to me OP. Babies can't be planned for anyone you know.

Nonsense, I planned mine down to the night of conceiving.

I understand completely, my brother and SIL gave my parents their first grandchild snd they were pregnant a month after they married.

I had been married 4 years, several cycles of IVF and I cried to my husband when I found out sad I wasn't angry, and I was delighted for them but sad for myself because I'd not got there yet.

But four months later our IVF worked and I have a DD now smile

However, I still feel the first grandchild is favourite and my DD sits in the shadows.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 15-Jun-13 22:03:48

Well lucky old you molly. Mc 17 weeks, ds 36 weeks, mc 11 weeks, ds2 27 weeks (died), dd 42 weeks (a miracle 51 weeks later). That doesn't include all the pre 6 week mcs.

Does that make you feel just a teeny bit more smug?

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 15-Jun-13 22:06:07

Well lucky old you molly. Mc 17 weeks, ds 36 weeks, mc 11 weeks, ds2 27 weeks (died), dd 42 weeks (a miracle 51 weeks later). That doesn't include all the pre 6 week mcs.

Does that make you feel just a teeny bit more smug?

Methe Sat 15-Jun-13 22:06:51

"nonsense, I planned mine down to night of conceiving"

How lovely for you. And how clever you are!

It isn't like that for most people. 'Cos they're shite.

Mollydoggerson Sat 15-Jun-13 22:06:58

No, should I feel bad by pointing out that it is a fact that some people can plan conception and pregnancy? That is all.

I am genuinely very sorry for your losses.

I have been bereaved 3 times this year, does that make you feel smug?? We all have our sorrows.

WafflyVersatile Sat 15-Jun-13 22:08:45

You should probably feel a bit stupid for thinking that.

EleanorFarjeon Sat 15-Jun-13 22:09:26

I think you sound a bit childish, sorry.

Just enjoy your pregnancy and don't expect to be the centre of the universe.

Sparklingbrook Sat 15-Jun-13 22:09:36

Sometimes you can't help how you feel. And putting it on MN is quite therapeutic.

Growlithe Sat 15-Jun-13 22:11:04

Molly when you planned it did you check with all your relations of child bearing age first, to make sure you wouldn't be stealing someone else's attention?

Mollydoggerson Sat 15-Jun-13 22:14:28

Growlithe, no I just wanted a baby.

Just to confirm, I see no problem with either sister being pregnant, it's not a Thrown which can only be sat on by one sibling at a time. As it happens, I have 2 sisters, and each of them had a pregnancy coinciding with mine.

wigglesrock Sat 15-Jun-13 22:14:34

YABU and if your sister is a drama queen, I'm not sure she's the only one in the family.

You can have a bit of a ffs moment but you're already niggling about how much time your Mum is going to spend with each of you after the births and the kids aren't even here yet!

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 15-Jun-13 22:14:41

All of ours were plannned Molly - you don't plan the mc and we certainly didn't plan ds2's early birth or the fact that his congenital heart condition was incompatible with life. I am one of life's great planners. Maturity teaches one that the best laid plans can go horribly wrong. Let's hope yours don't.

maillotjaune Sat 15-Jun-13 22:18:57

Don't feel sad that your mother will only stay with you for 2 weeks after the birth. You may find 2 days is enough!

Monty27 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:20:38

I'm astonished by the stuff on this post.

A baby is the most important thing you'll ever do. Look into that instead of other shit outside stuff.

I'm definitely missing something here. Mind you I have about 30 nieces and nephews and love every single one them smile

Mollydoggerson Sat 15-Jun-13 22:21:00

Of course I am fully aware of plans going wrong/of MC being unplanned. My father's heart surgery didn't come around in time...his early death didn't form part of our family plan. I wont go into any of the rest of my life's sorrows as quite frankly it is not relevant to this thread. There is no need for either of us to remain on the cross.

Simple fact - some people can plan conception, after that it is nobodies guess what can happen.

No need to patronise with your maturity comment.

Growlithe Sat 15-Jun-13 22:24:10

Molly, you quoted married: Babies can't be planned for anyone you know., saying this was nonsense. You were able to plan yours, but only for yourselves not for anyone else you know. So the point wasn't nonsense. Even less so after reading subsequent posts from married.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 15-Jun-13 22:24:34

>Leaves thread<

rockybalboa Sat 15-Jun-13 22:30:09

It's really hard. YA prob BU but I know how you feel. I had 3 mc's before finally falling pregnant with DC1 and my sister fell pregnant with her first a month later. Made me irrationally cross.

Monty27 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:30:22


Just get over yourself. I sympathise with your dsis having such a me me me dsis.

Do grow up.

Mollydoggerson Sat 15-Jun-13 22:33:00

I think we have a difference of understanding:
Babies can't be planned for anyone - I disagree babies can be planned for some people, conception at least quite easily and accurately.
Babies can't be planned for everyone - I agree some people have difficulty conceiving and sadly some people suffer repeated losses.

I suppose if people wanted to argue for the sake of it, they could focus on more exact terminology like conception and healthy pregnancies.

I am leaving the thread now, as I have no interest in getting involved in an argument on this topic.

My opinion is just my opinion I am not trying to ram it down anyone's throat.

Turniphead1 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:34:48

This happened with my SiL and I (except it was her first and my third). She announced first & I did feel a bit mean steeling her thunder as it were.

I thought my MiL would drive me nuts compnarung the two cousins once they were born - and maybe favouring my Sils (we are the only to grandkid providers). In fact it has turned out to be a very lovely thing for both the cousins having one so close in age.

But I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel as you do. Human nature!

Growlithe Sat 15-Jun-13 22:36:35

Molly the point actually was 'babies can't be planned for anyone you know'.

Cabbageleaves Sat 15-Jun-13 22:36:50

OP you are suffering an acute sibling rivalry

Try to control it smile Your sister didn't do this deliberately. You need to be happy with your own life. Stop feeling like your life is dependant on hers. It isn't.

You have options here. You can allow yourself to dwell on perceived slights... Or chill and enjoy your baby

Your call

candyandyoga Sat 15-Jun-13 22:39:32


Of course your sister wants your mum's help too as she has two other kids and as long as your mum gives you time first too - you can share!

These seems yo go far deeper - big sibling rivalry? Does she always steal your thunder?! But yabu about her pregnancy.

elemis Sat 15-Jun-13 22:40:53

Amazed at the number of people who think you are being reasonable
I think this is very precious behaviour, absolute nonsense.
You are having a baby, be happy

aloysiusflyte Sat 15-Jun-13 22:44:13

Just to add a bit of perspective, a month ago I would have said yanbu, I found out I was pregnant with a much planned and wanted second child, my sister then announced she was pregnant with an accidental fourth child, due within a few days of mine. My initial reaction was as others have said 'this is my turn, I want all the attention blah blah.' I soon came round to the idea and we were going to be pregnancy buddies and support each other through it all.
Fast forward a few weeks, I had a mmc at 11 weeks, she has just had a successful 12 week scan. This situation is shitty beyond belief, I would give anything right now to be pregnant at the same time and sharing this experience rather than grieving for my lost baby.
Maybe have a think about that and stick by your sister and enjoy the experience together.

Monty27 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:44:29

Cabbage grin

Well said.

I can't believe that some people actually think that others should plan their conceptions around their own. It's bordering on weirdness. (Because I can't at this moment in time spell bizaare/bizarre???) grin

Liara Sat 15-Jun-13 22:48:06

This goes beyond being self-centered about the pg, you are actually not even thinking about the benefits to your own child!

I was over the moon when my sister announced her pg immediately after I did (we had the same due date!). I am so happy that ds1 has cousins the same age and wish the same was true for ds2.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 15-Jun-13 22:48:56

Am still reading Alysious So sorry. It must be very raw. With love and prayers xx.

Monty27 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:50:21

Another good point there, close cousins smile

"Oh and she's already said that she's going to be needing mum to come and stay when her baby is born (due 3 weeks after me) as she has 2 other dcs to look after and I'll only just have one tiny newborn to focus on so I'll be fine. ... [mum] went to sis's for 4 weeks with her first and 6 weeks with her second."

Wow. So you'll be fine, but she needed your mum for 4 weeks? Sounds to me that she really, really likes to be the centre of attention.

I'm guessing that this sibling rivalry (which she appears to be winning sad) is pretty much embedded in your family. sad

Salmotrutta Sat 15-Jun-13 22:53:29

Such a shame that the impending arrival of new babies is being over-shadowed by feelings of unreasonableness...

When I was pregnant with my 3rd DC, my DB and SIL announced they were expecting their first.

They were worried about saying anything as they didn't want to take the attention away from me.

I think it's fair to say I was more excited about their baby than mine!! I'd done it twice before, knew what to expect etc, but they were so clueless!

My mum also admitted she was more excited about their baby, because it was their first, and to me that was natural!

Now I was 4 months ahead of SIL, and I had every symptom going, sickness, tiredness, swollen things etc!

SIL sailed through. I had at least four false starts.

SlL was bridesmaid for her twin sister on the Saturday and had her ds on the Monday.

She was calm, controlled and absolutely brilliant. I was so proud of her and DB.

I whined and moaned through the last 6 weeks, but she just sailed on! I was very envious!

I'm happy to say our ds' are now lovely little play mates! Enjoy your pregnancy x

scottishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 23:04:39

I'm surprised op getting such a pasting,she's admitted to unreasonable feelings
that's what human condition is,mixed up,jumble and not logical
I hope both ladies have healthy pg,and that all well

aloysiusflyte Sat 15-Jun-13 23:04:52

Thank you marriedinwhiteagain it is still very raw. Puts everything into perspective though and I am very lucky to have a very supportive dsis x

IloveJudgeJudy Sat 15-Jun-13 23:13:37

I kind of think it's understandable for you, but you really do have to get over yourself. SIL and I were pregnant at the same time for 3 DC. One of my other SILs was pregnant at the same time for the third one. We both had our babies on the same day. DM asked if she could go and see my SIL with her firstborn, first and come and see me afterwards. Of course I said yes as it was my third and her first. I wasn't jealous or had bad feelings towards either SIL and I hope they didn't towards me. It is nice that the cousins are the same ages.

IloveJudgeJudy Sat 15-Jun-13 23:15:29

Meant to say. You need to deal with this or you will not enjoy your pregnancy or your first child so much. It is all in your head. So long as your baby is healthy and the birth goes fairly smoothly, that is all you need to worry about. You have your health, a lovely partner, a loving DM (even though you don't seem to be appreciating that) and good friends. Please be thankful for that.

itsmyturnnow Sat 15-Jun-13 23:25:46

Thank you for all the helpful replies - both the ones that say they understand and the ones that give helpful advice to help me re-tune my thinking. I will enjoy this pregnancy - of course. I'm over the moon.

I know it's not right to feel resentful - I've said that. I just wanted to know if anyone else would understand how I feel - and they do. Thank you.

I love my sister but she is hard work, and I know that the next few months will be about her, not me, as far as my family is concerned - not because they are bad people but because she kind of commands centre stage.

My partner is one of six children and the other five all have children already, so nothing new on his side!! Plus they are all overseas. But they are very happy for us, anyway. grin

I'm very close to my mum and did want her to stay after the birth as my partner can't take paternity leave straight away due to the nature of his job. You're right I'll probably be sick of her after two weeks but I just hate the thought that she'll have to rush off to be with another baby.

Can I also say, as a new poster, that I am pretty shock and confused about a few (just a very few) of the responses I received. I wonder if you are this rude in real life or is it just because it's 'safe' on an internet forum? I find it quite embarrassing to read people speaking to another person like that, to be honest!

But thanks very much to all the rest of you. xxxx

Sparklingbrook Sat 15-Jun-13 23:31:54

That's AIBU for you its. If you had put this in Chat it would have been a different thread probably.

MaryKatharine Sat 15-Jun-13 23:35:47

You are of course being hugely unreasonable. I also think you are sounding a little petulant and immature by being grumpy that your mother may only be able to give you 2wks after the birth. You do realise that most women would give their right arm to have any help whatsoever even for a couple of days, don't you?

Also, your comment about your sister's children always being a drama such as allergies etc. You will very quickly learn, once your baby is actually born, that motherhood is one big mass of neurotic worry which very often may seem irrational to other people. As a toddler, they will fall and bump their head and even though you know it's only a bumped head you will find yourself watching them obsessively for the next 12hours to ensure they don't collapse with a brain haemorrhage. Rational thinking very often flies out the window especially early on.

You need to get over yourself and look at it as an amazing gift to both be pregnant at the same time and that your DC will have a lifelong playmate and that you will have someone to share those precious times with. She hasn't done this to annoy you, she is simply getting on with her own life, creating her own family. Concentrate on yourself, your partner and the new life growing inside you. It's a special time but its made that way because you are creating a new person and starting a new chapter in your life not because everyone is fussing over you.

itsmyturnnow Sat 15-Jun-13 23:45:47

SparklingBrook I still think it's a bit sad that people ever think it's ok to be rude, anywhere, to be honest. Not sure why people can't express opinions - either in agreement or disagreement - without resorting to insults. It just makes them look awful!

MaryKatharine You're right - there is loads I still have to learn about being a mum and am sure that I'll worry over every little thing. I think I'm just more the kind of person who will 'watch and worry about the brain haemmorage' as you describe, though, whereas my sister is the kind of person who'd rush them to A&E, call the whole family while there, and then update Facebook ten times about the 'bumped head' drama. Love her - but it's wearing! And does make me think that she will demand all eyes on her as the pregnancies, and then babies, progress.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sat 15-Jun-13 23:46:48

It is a bit unlucky for you. I don't know if you feel you could talk to her about this?

McNewPants2013 Sat 15-Jun-13 23:49:28

It's amazing having a niece 3 months older than my DD, being pregnant and with hormones changes i think rational thoughts can be clouded.

Op I hope you have a happy pregnancy.

MaryKatharine Sat 15-Jun-13 23:54:23

Well, try to step back from competitive parenting! You'll have enough of that from your NCT group! grin

I have 4 kids and my eldest DD had notched up 7 trips to A&E before she was 2yrs! She was wild and would climb and jump out of trees and stuff. 2 lots of stitches before 18mths, a button stuck in her ear, tripping over her feet and knocking herself out on the patio. the list goes on. Hopefully, you won't need a hospital visit but casualty is full of parents of young kids.

Seriously, enjoy the positives. Nothing takes away from how special your first baby is. Congratulations.

To be honest you sound as bad as each other. Forget about what she's up to and concentrate on yourself.

And be thankful that you've felt OK other than being very tired. Morning sickness is the pits and, having had HG, I'd have given my right arm to have been like you. I dread to think what feeling shit and being pregnant is like with preexisting children!

Turniphead1 Sun 16-Jun-13 00:02:35

Itsmyturnnow - only ever post in AIBU if you are very very sure you are being reasonable. wink

You got off fairly lightly.

In the same way that you can use this type of thread to say things you wouldn't in RL (ie your feelings if resentment towards your sister) - so too do people respond in more blunt ways than they would in RL. Don't take it too personally.

Enjoy your pregnancy and little one when the time comes. thanks

jojane Sun 16-Jun-13 00:28:35

I was you sister (to some extent). My sister told me she was pregnant with her first and I was over the moon for her, promised her all my baby stuff than found out I was pregnant with my third. I felt really bad as didn't want to steal her thunder. I am away from our family and she was close so that helped but our 2 little boys love each other when we meet up and I think she finds it good to be able to compare him to another little boy of the same age.

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 08:01:22

I think it's a bit rubbish that your sister and your mum aren't making more of a fuss of you.

And I agree that your mum's comments about after the birth are hurtful.

I was over the moon when both my SILs and then my sister announced their pregnancies when I was pregnant with my first.

But my sister and I enjoyed sharing the excitement and our parents would never focus on one to the detriment of the other.

I know in your sister's situation I would be really, really excited my DSis was having her first baby, and I would want to make a big fuss of her myself.

icklemssunshine1 Sun 16-Jun-13 08:07:34

You're both pregnant, wants the problem? I lost a baby in February & have 3 friends who are pregnant. I would love to be in their, yours and your sister's shoes!

icklemssunshine1 Sun 16-Jun-13 08:07:53


DefiniteMaybe Sun 16-Jun-13 08:14:05

My dc2 was born when my sister was 12ish weeks pregnant with her first. I have the first boy and first girl grandchild. We weren't all that close but when she had her ds I think she really appreciated my help and having someone to go through it with. We live close together so go to baby/toddler groups together and see each other almost every day. My dc and her dc are more like siblings than cousins it is brilliant.

digerd Sun 16-Jun-13 08:48:38

What AThing said. Has your sis always been a bit of a drama queen wanting all the attention and getting it?

shineypeacock Sun 16-Jun-13 08:51:01

I can see exactly where you are coming from, im due baby no1 (and grandchild no1 on both sides) in 6 weeks, mu sister is due baby no 1 (and grandchild no 1 on inlaws side) in 9 weeks. (19 days between due dates)

I was devestated when she told me, but over the past few months it has got easier, it didnt help when my mum told me not to discuss midwife appts or anything in too much detail as she wouldnt have had them yet, but ive let that go.

As our pregnancies have gone on its been ok, yesteday was a bit of a toughie however, had a big family event and as my sis looks bigger than me ( first time ever as im generally fatter than her!!) most people seem to think she us due first, alsovwhen telling people when she is due she has managed to loos a week from her due date, so was saying 8 weeks rather than 9.

We all live in a small town and close community so its very tricky as lits of people know us and know about the pregnancies, but in a way its nice to have the support!

Just enjoy being pregnant, dont worry about your sis, (mine managed 2 weddings and a divorce before our wedding but thats a whole other thread! )

cory Sun 16-Jun-13 08:53:22

Very understandable that you want more of a fuss made of you, and maybe a quiet word in your mother's ear is the way to go.

But really, your feelings around the pregnancy announcement will pass and your dc will live a long time. If they grow up to get on well, that gift of a cousin could be one of the greatest gifts your dc will ever have.

Dd has a cousin who is just a few months younger than her and they are like brother and sister; it is really wonderful. I used to find it annoying because db and SIL were rather precious about their pfb: everything he did was wonderful and nothing dd did was ever worth noticing.

But doting parents don't get to rule the roost forever: dd and dn are now in their teens and their relationship is far more important than any silliness their parents may have indulged in when they were too small to even remember. It will last long after we are gone.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 16-Jun-13 08:58:57

Golly the person I really feel sorry for is the granny in this situation.

Chunderella Sun 16-Jun-13 09:06:17

Yabu about SILs pregnancy. Yanbu to worry about how you'll manage after the birth, particularly if you have the sort of mother and relationship where having her around will be a real help. It seems to be a tenet of mumsnet that you want to be left alone with baby after birth, that having lots of visitors or people staying is A Bad Thing. No doubt it is for some, but we don't all feel like that. If your mum is likely to be helpful, and has demonstrated this around the birth of previous grandchildren, it makes total sense to want her around.

AgnesAndTheOthers Sun 16-Jun-13 09:20:31

I think YABU a bit OP, sorry. This thread really touches a nerve for me, though not in sympathy for you OP i'm afraid. You see I have been that SIL who got pregnant at a time not deemed suitable for someone else, and she already had three children.

I just cannot understand the utter arrogance of some people who think they should dictate others family planning to them.

Blueskiesandbuttercups 'Really! Could you not of waited 6 more months,it had to be now?'

Really? REALLY? You honestly believe because you took a long time to conceive that someone else should put their plans on hold, put their plans for something so fundamental in life on hold, delayed, to suit you? Could it possible be that it was a good time for them too and maybe had nothing to do with you? Fucking unbelievable.

BeQuicksieorBeDead Sun 16-Jun-13 09:31:32

Op unfortunately I think you are BU.

My brother is very extrovert, and has always held court at family gatherings. When I was little this used to upset me, not upset with him, but by them, that they treated us differently. Obviously they did that because I was quiet and shy and probably wouldn't have enjoyed the attention he was getting anyway, and would have batted it away with one word answers...could you be doing that?

now we are grown up, I love the fact that he takes the heat off me. He is an amazing brother, interesting and funny. He met his girlfriend and they quite quickly got pregnant, me and my partner had been together for ages and took a long time and a miscarriage to get brother is so happy for us, as I was for him. He is my brother and I love him, no matter what events in our lives clash. We are not competitive in any way and my mum would never feel pressured to choose between us - your poor mum!

If you are really desperate for attention, go and curry it. Talk loudly about being pregnant and madge up some symptoms. Like I would, you will feel daft and probably relieved when your sister takes the heat off you again.

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 10:12:18

I have no time for people who don't want to share the pregnancy limelight.

IME there is more than enough attention and excitement to go around.

But sadly it seems that in the OP's family that is not the case.

You can still make a gentle fuss of someone shy and who doesn't command centre stage.

I know if my sister and I had due dates so close my mother would feel pulled in both directions trying to support us both.

But we would both be saying she should support the other.

"No, no, two weeks will be plenty, she has two older kids to worry about."

"No way, this is her first. You were with me for 4 weeks on my first. DH and I will manage our own children."

They are not being very kind IMO.

thornrose Sun 16-Jun-13 10:28:48

and the only thing they really said about me was that I'm lucky as I'm not really suffering many symptoms except tiredness so far whereas she's got everything in the book.

OP, just remember that the pity competition (who is more tired, more nauseous, has more to do) is one you don't want to win. Don't get into it because it will drive you mad.

For example, when your sis dramatically moans about how tired she is, smile sweetly and say how energetic you feel and how lucky you are grin

That's exactly how I see it AThingInYourLifesad. Big sister is a bit of a narcissist "a very bubbly, centre of attention kind of person" who absolutely will not stand for not being the centre of attention. If she hadn't got pregnant, she'd have found some other drama way to stay at that centre. That oh-so-dismissive "[you will] only just have one tiny newborn to focus on so [you'll] be fine." (when she had her mother staying for four weeks when she only had one tiny newborn to focus on) just summed it up to me. Big sis is a bit if a bastard.

IfIonlyhadsomesleep Sun 16-Jun-13 10:37:00

Dh and I have had the second "batch" of grandchildren in dh's family and honestly, it has good things and bad things about it like anything. I do find it a bit frustrating that we are expected to swan through things that dsil had oodles of support with because there are other seemingly bigger issues that the older children are going through. But also, dsil and dbil had the spotlight on them and constant visits from dmil and dfil who were so, so over excited about being gp. They're calmer and more experienced now and my dc have older children to play with.
Dh and I are always going to be the quiet copers because everything his brother does is a big drama. But, apart from having a ridiculously small space to sleep in when we're all together, I think I'd rather be us tbh.
Your dsis is trying to fill some unfillable hole by seeking attention. She'll never be as content as you, as long as you can learn to let go a bit. And if you're going to compare support after the birth, try to compare with people with less. Not because you're wrong to feel upset, but because you need to look after yourself.

FasterStronger Sun 16-Jun-13 10:44:38

OP, can you see your DM without your sister? I think you just need to make the best of the situation.

I have a SIL who cannot bear anyone else to have any good news & has to come up with an 'announcement'. I obviously cannot change her so I just avoid her & DB. life is too short etc.

Congratulations! As with most of the other posters, agree that your feelings are utterly understandable. But it's always dangerous to bottle things up. So I would suggest a gentle word with Mum and sis. They'll most likely be mortified (if it's genuinely gentle). Good luck!

pleiadianpony Sun 16-Jun-13 10:51:59

No, not at all!! I'd feel EXACTLY the same!

I went for fertility treatment after 10 years with DH and a couple very close to us who knew we were having treatment decided to try at the same time so 'we could all go through pregnancy together'. This was a bit frustrating as it was very much long awaited special time for us both. To make things worse i didn't get pregnant then missed a cycle of treatment because I was running around helping her get ready for her wedding! They then announced to all and sundry at a dinner party that she was pregnant!

Aagghh. It felt really horrible and when I got pregnant it felt a bit less special .. but only briefly....

What I would suggest is just withdraw from your sister a bit until you can find a place for your feelings. Spend time with your mum and family and enjoy your time with your partner. Stay friends with your sister though, cards, emails etc. My hunch is that your sister talking about herself is probably a bit of a bore for your parents and your dignity and calm and mature way of handling it will be something that your family respect. If you don't feel that at the moment, try and cultivate that thing that Bridget Jones call inner poise!! You will feel much better. Also spend time with your mum doing nice things that she will enjoy too. I think Grannys need to be pampered a bit and made to feel special as they can just become baby sitters, listening ears, extra pairs of hands.....your mum will appreciate this ALOT and your pregnancy will get a look in.

Theyoniwayisnorthwards Sun 16-Jun-13 13:44:06

My sister and I had our last babies 3 weeks apart, my second and her third. It was and is LOVELY. We bitched about our ankles, chatted about names, sulked together at family parties as our DH's had a drink. The kids were born around Xmas and we spent it in her house (she was 4 days PP but my mother lives next door and my family stayed in a local hotel). My sister and I spent the day in her bed cuddled up with newborns eating chocolate and trying not to laugh because of caesarean scars. I will always remember it.

Now the babies are 6/7 months and I recently visited and bonded really strongly with my niece, caring for her is easy as I am so used to caring for a baby that age. I love that they will be toddlers together and each have a family playmate.

This is a good thing OP. really.

Pigsmummy Sun 16-Jun-13 15:09:47

It's not just about the pregnancy, you are creating a little person who will have a lovely cousin the same age, try to see a positive in the situation? You have a very experienced baby sitter to hand and someone who can listen to you later in pregnancy when you might need a shoulder.

DaveMccave Sun 16-Jun-13 15:27:19

Wow. V unreasonable. You could try to be delighted for your baby, as they will have a cousin so close in age.

Raum Sun 16-Jun-13 15:33:38

Look on the bright side you are both going to have small children around the same time, your child will have a near age cousin to play with, both are brilliant things not bad!

Audio158 Sun 16-Jun-13 15:49:09

Obviously when you become pregnant you feel very special, then someone close to you does the same thing and you don't feel quite so special anymore.

This could be a positive time for you and your sister if you are prepared to be the bigger person (I don't mean literally).

shineypeacock you were 'devastated' when your sister announced her pregnancy.. Really?

You see, I was devastated when my sister told me she had breast cancer.

I would have given anything for her to have been telling me she was pregnant.

FetaCheeny Sun 16-Jun-13 19:14:13

So you're pregnant and miserable because your own sister is pregnant and happy too. Right.

missgrainger Sun 16-Jun-13 19:24:02

I have a nephew same age as DS they have grown up together... it's lovely to have a ready-made friend / companion, wouldn't be without each other

wamabama Sun 16-Jun-13 19:35:43

I can totally see where you're coming from and am surprised that the attention is on her tbh with it being her third. When I had my second and third nobody was bothered! It was all 'well she knows what's coming, she doesn't need us around' sort of thing. But most people obsess over someone during their first pregnancy!

I think in a way, as much as you feel like she's stolen your limelight, it is kind of sweet. You can go through it all together and in the end your DC will be so close in age and hopefully grow up close smile

expatinscotland Sun 16-Jun-13 21:00:58

This is such an eye-opening thread. All this 'first grandchild on both sides, she only had it on one side' and first grandchild shit (Is your own first child more special than your others? If and when you are blessed with grandchildren, will the first be the most special?), I was devastated my sister was pregnant at the same time as me, couldn't they have waited as I was having fertility treatment, and about fuss and attention.

Wow. Just . . . wow.

MaryKatharine Sun 16-Jun-13 21:29:27

I, too, am a little stunned at the petulance of some posters on this thread. It is honestly, totally beyond my realms of understanding as to why someone could possibly be annoyed because they are not the only one pregnant within that family unit. It seems very child-like in an 'I want mummy to give me all her attention and praise.'

When we were expecting our first, we told parents after the scan. I then saw my parents twice more during my pregnancy then we phoned them after he was born. They came to visit when he was 5days old and stayed the night as they lived 4hours away. They were very happy and excited to be GPs and relieved it had all gone well but they then went home and carried on with their lives as we did with ours. They didn't treat me like a doll, a princess or a 6 yr old nor would I have wanted or expected that.

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 16-Jun-13 21:43:09

Agrees with expat and marykatharine. Yes, wow. The joy is in safely welcoming a healthy baby into the world.

Ruby1080 Sun 16-Jun-13 21:48:51

YABU, and you sound very childish to be honest. I also think this isn't just about the fact that your sister is pregnant - if she wasn't, then there'd be something else that she was doing that would be upsetting you/taking away attention.

My eyes have also been opened by this thread - I think some people just never grow up. A first child/first grandchild is no more or less special than subsequent children or grandchildren, and there are no special prizes for producing the first boy/first girl/first "batch" (WTF?!) of grandchildren.

Liara Sun 16-Jun-13 21:48:57

Really mindblowing attitudes on this thread.

As a friend of mine said (when his daughter was pg with her first) 'honestly, you'd think it had never been done before'.

It's a pregnancy, not a noble prize. If the most attention-worthy thing you have done in your life is get pg, then you have bigger problems than someone else doing it too.

bedmonster Sun 16-Jun-13 21:49:29

Agreed MaryKatharine, can't believe some of the Mumzilla attitudes tbh. All very attention seeking and 'she's got a bigger bump than me, people think she's having a baby first, but IT'S ME! I'M MORE PREGNANT THAT SHE IS, LOOK AT ME, TALK TO MEEEEEEEE'

And yes I did mean to shout hmm

23balloons Sun 16-Jun-13 21:56:44

Haven't read the whole thread but I think YABU. I find it strange when grown adults seek attention this way. I hope you don't feel upset when your baby is born & the world as you know it will no longer exist & everything will start to revolve around baby. You will be glad for 5 minutes peace. I know this sounds harsh but I can't believe anyone would even start a thread like this?

I'm with those who have no time for this self indulgence. Jesus wept! So you sister is pregnant? If you're both lucky you'll emerge from this time with two happy healthy babies and two happy healthy mums. There's NOTHING to be grabby, devastated or jealous over.

Like another poster I've heard awful news from my sister. In her case it was that her partner was dying. A pregnancy would have been an utter joy.

As for the Op whining that people have been rude to her - well that happens when you behave daftly. Think on.

IdaClair Sun 16-Jun-13 22:17:50

This has actually been difficult reading for me, I don't really know why I carried on. The thrill and excitement of a first pregnancy is always something I feel I never had, as my first pregnancy ended far too early and I lost my baby. So the second pregnancy was, for me, utterly terrifying and I spent most of it in denial. Our families mainly didn't mention it. When the baby was actually born, noone even mentioned coming to help, and it wouldn't have ever occured to me that they would. I literally got straight up immediately after the baby was born and carried on with the day and visitors etc. Then I was a single parent a couple of weeks later. You have so many people to share your baby with, and what sounds like a great support network. From my point of view that's an incredible bonus, not something to feel upset about. As for only getting a few weeks of your mother staying - by the time I had my second living baby (my fourth, I lost my third along the way) my mother couldn't have come to stay, or even helped out. She died just after my eldest's third birthday. My biggest sits wistfully looking at her sibling wishing her grandmother could have seen her.

I've been pregnant at the same time as my SILs, twice, so I feel a little bit of what I think you're getting at. But both those times I lost my babies and they kept theirs.

I don't mean to make it into a 'there are bad things in the world so noone can be upset about less bad things' point, but there is an element of being careful what you wish for. Nothing is certain. At the moment, everything is good. Don't spoil it by looking for slights. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it is a happy and healthy one for you.

decaffwithcream Sun 16-Jun-13 22:52:25

Sorry for your losses IdaClair. And to the others on this thread who have lost children.

I do not understand this thread or how anyone can be disappointed that someone they love is pregnant. I don't get what the level of attention an adult will receive from their parents for their pregnancy has to do with expecting a child. It seems lovely that your mother is prepared to actually move in with you for 2 weeks if that's what you would like.

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 22:54:50

It seems very child-like in an 'I want mummy to give me all her attention and praise.'

Yes, it does.

And sad in that she seems unlikely to the approval she was hoping before.

I didn't feel anything like the OP does when my sis announced her pregnancy when I was pregnant with my first.

I was over the moon.

But I never felt ignored or overlooked or like my family were no longer interested in my pregnancy.

Because my sister and I aren't competitive with each other (any more grin as children we were dreadful) and my mother would make sure to make an equal fuss of us both.

It must be horrible and lonely to feel like your family no longer care about your pregnancy because your sister has stolen the limelight.

I can't really see the need for derision and being indignant.

We have longstanding threads on Mumsnet dedicated to how damaging family dynamics can be.

This kind of stuff hurts. And it matters.

A soon-to-be new mother is feeling upset. It's disappointing that the response is disingenuous wonder that anyone can be sad about something so trivial.

Openyourheart Sun 16-Jun-13 23:08:02

Congratulations. Focus on the positives because dwelling on this will not make you happy.

kennyp Sun 16-Jun-13 23:12:02

congratulations!!! do you remember the friends episode when monica and chandler got engaged and then rachel kissed ross and monica said that rachel was trying to steal her thunder? it sounds like that.

at least you can let it all out here, semi anonymously, and not face to face with your sister/mother etc. enjoy your pregnancy and honestly try not to let it all get to you. first pregnancy is lovely ... all the mooching round spendign 2838473 hours looking for the perfect pushchair, etc etc. enjoy it smile

decaffwithcream Sun 16-Jun-13 23:23:57

I don't think the wonder that someone can be sad about this is disingenuous AThing.

Some people have posted that people they loved have announced pregnancies when they were struggling to or could not conceive or had very recently miscarried and that that was difficult. That I fully understand.

But actual disappoint because something happy has happened to someone you love purely because it reduces the attention given to you? I do not get that. There is nothing disingenuous about it, I very genuinely don't get that.

No I don't get it either. This is not a good or reasonable way to be feeling. This diminishes the OP and she needs to pack away these feelings asap not have them pandered to.

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 23:58:57

"But actual disappoint because something happy has happened to someone you love purely because it reduces the attention given to you? I do not get that. There is nothing disingenuous about it, I very genuinely don't get that."

You don't get that sometimes people feel overshadowed by their siblings?

You can't imagine that in some families certain members always command the attention and that it can be hard for the ones who are overlooked?

You struggle to empathise with a woman who feels that her older sister is preferred by her mother?

You are perplexed that she is worried that she won't now get the support she believed would be available?

And your puzzlement is so urgent that it needs to be expressed in unkind terms to an upset pregnant woman?

Really? hmm

You are that lacking in imagination and empathy?

Shit, I got upset and worried about way stupider things than this when I was pregnant.

AThingInYourLife Mon 17-Jun-13 00:00:08

Pandered too?

FFS Northern, that's beneath you.

The OP has posted wanting her feelings of jealousy to be validated. She wants to be pandered to. That's not a good way to be thinking.
Her thread title says she is disappointed her sister is pregnant. And you want me to pat her on the shoulder and say it's fine to feel like that when you're pregnant? hmm No it isn't.

Lazyjaney Mon 17-Jun-13 00:13:50

I can see the OP's pov, and her sister sounds like a bit of a drama queen.

Maybe in your own quieter way OP, start to engage your Mum with all your hopes and fears without Sis around.

AThingInYourLife Mon 17-Jun-13 00:17:01

It sounds to me that she wanted to be understood about feelings she already feels bad for feeling.

Sibling rivalry causes a lot of people a lot of real pain.

decaffwithcream Mon 17-Jun-13 00:19:52

Um wow that's a whole lot of assumptions there AThing.

OP posts that she loves her sister but is disappointed and sad that her sister is pregnant. She gives no indication that her sister may not have wanted the pregnancy so it appears to be a happy event in her sisters life.

Many many people feel that one or more of their siblings are more preferred by their parents than them. Some people are probably completely accurate when they feel that too.

I do not see how it follows to feel disappointed that something good and wanted has happened for her sister. She is very excited about her own pregnancy, why be disappointed about her sisters.

GibberTheMonkey Mon 17-Jun-13 00:49:49

Once again I find myself thankful for my birth family and my family by marriage.

Sparklyboots Mon 17-Jun-13 01:00:22

Lols. One of the things having your first child teaches you is that the pregnancy wasn't ever about you, you are the support act in someone else's story. If looking at your child doesn't make you realise that, then your whole family happily oblige by treating you like you are some sort of elaborate baby stand, whose sole purpose is to produce said baby, fed, well-rested and recently changed, for everyone else to have a turn of, until such a time as they are bored or the baby needs resettling/ feeding/ changing.

Congratulations, darling. When your baby comes, you'll not be interested in this any more. Don't let old stories and roles spoil this magical time for you. My family still pull the same old shite that used to send me up the wall. But as I've a family of my own now, I couldn't give a fuck. Leave them to it and enjoy your new adventures in family to come.

WafflyVersatile Mon 17-Jun-13 01:10:40

decaff and many others. It's not that her sister is pregnant it's that it coincides with her first pregnancy because her sister tends to demand and get more attention than her and this is a time she was looking forward to a bit of special attention coming her way from her family.

Can't believe so many people on this thread can't muster a tiny bit of comprehension of others' emotions.

When people are ttc I'm sure part of that is hoping your family and loved ones will share your excitement. It can't be so incomprehensible that it can be a bit disappointing when those hopes are confounded and you feel a bit sidelined over one of the most massive things you can have happen in your life.

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 01:28:16

my DH is one of 4 brothers.

my PILS have 24 grandchildren.

DS1 was born 10 days before SIL 1's 4th.
our babies were the only two out of all the cousins who were Baptised on the same day. it was an amazing day.
SIL 2 had her 4th 5 months later.

DS2 was born - SIL 2 had her 5th 5 months later.

SIL 3 had her DD1 only 4 months before our DS4 was born, and if the same year SIL 1 had her 5th.

SIL 2 had DC 7 and SIL3 had her DD2 not long before my MC

SIL 2's 8th, our 5th and SIL 3's 3rd were all born in the same year.

and the moral of the story is - we are not jealous or resentful of each other because we all shag a lot!grin

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 01:30:33

must add, but if the situation makes OP unhappy I can understand her!

I can honestly say I never expected my family to give me 'special' attention because I was pregnant. It's a means to an end isn't it? Not an end in itself.

Blimey, am shocked how people think things are such a competition.

And how people expect some sort of adulation when they are pregnant.

I expect to be treated with the same amount of respect and love by everyone when I am pregnant as when I am not, other than DH who needs to cosset me and be there for my every whim!

It's not a competition, every child is special and it means nothing as to who did what first!

AThingInYourLife Mon 17-Jun-13 09:40:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AThingInYourLife Mon 17-Jun-13 09:47:17

Sorry, your sister on her first.

lottieandmia Mon 17-Jun-13 09:47:39

I think that this is not about you both being pregnant but the dynamics of your relationship as you feel that your sister has always got more attention than you. So you are not unreasonable to feel upset that you seem to have been left in the shade again.

But try to focus on the fact that your babies will be close while they grow up (hopefully).

CuppaSarah Mon 17-Jun-13 10:40:40

This happened with me and my SIL. I was quite put out. Still have to stop my competitive side from time to time. But even thouhg you feel like she's stealing your little bit of thunder, she really really isn't. Everyone will celebrate your wonderfull little treasure just as much I promise. Imagine how amazing it will be for your little one to have a cousin that's the same age?

Just keep in mind any compliments she gets on her pregnancy/baby/anything does not take away from yours at all.

MaryKatharine Mon 17-Jun-13 11:30:01

Totally agree, northernlurker!
The idea of pregnancy being about family fussing over you is strange. Also, my comments were as much if not more at the poster who complained that her SIL could have waited 6 more months so as not to be pg at the same time. I mean really? Really??? And to be annoyed that it took you years and fertility treatment and your SIL caught straight away is just bizarre. I mean if it was me I might be slightly envious that it happened so easily for them but that would be eclipsed by a) my joy for them and b) feeling glad for them that they didn't need to endure what I had gone through.

somanystripes Mon 17-Jun-13 11:38:39

YABU. But, your feelings are understandable!

I had problems conceiving and I remember bursting into tears any time anyone announced their pregnancies as I felt it was 'my turn'. Now I have DD I'm blush when I think of that reaction, but it was very real at the time. I think you may end up looking back on your feelings about your DSIS in the same way once your babies arrive.

I think I might be the one in the family in your sister's role though, reflecting on it! Once I did conceive I had a worrying pregnancy, a difficult birth and DD had health problems for the first few months and I was almost out of my mind with worry. I'm pretty sure I sucked up all my mum's attention and emotional energy through the years of TTC, pregnancy and then worry about DD. My DB would almost certainly have said I was the most annoying, attention seeking drama queen on earth. In my mind though I was going through very justifiable worries, and I didn't have any control over my mum's reaction (honestly, I'd have preferred she'd worried LESS as me worrying about HER worrying and anxiety was just another stress...) I certainly never consciously sought attention, and I doubt your DSIS does it deliberately either. She's probably naturally an anxious person and her problems are real to her if not to you. Your mum probably feels she is less able to cope and you are the 'stronger' one, hence the feeling that she's being favoured with time before and after the babies are born.

What's really sad for me is DB never said anything about how the lack of attention made him feel. He now no longer speaks to me, and there's seemingly nothing I can do. If I were you I might not say anything to DSIS but I might ask DM if you can have some private time with her to go and look for baby stuff etc. so you get a bit of attention on your own. It would be a shame if you felt so 'second class' in the family that it drove a permanent wedge between you.

Oh, and there is NO WAY I'd want anyone staying for a month when I'd just given birth. It really gets in the way of family bonding. You might find you're desperate for her to leave after two days (or your DH will be anyway...)

pandaptogether Mon 17-Jun-13 13:22:59

My sister and i have been pregnant twice at the same time. Our children are really close and it makes it easier to arrange stuff to do together. yabu

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