Engagement ring(174 Posts)
DP just isn't interested in shopping for an 'engagement' ring. I suggested we go shopping together and he let out a huge sigh. Obvious he's not interested. I never insist he comes shopping if I'm buying clothes and stuff. He hates it so I wouldn't put him through it! I hate browsing in computer shops with him so I don't do that either.
We won't be announcing an engagement, we've just agreed to get married (which we'll likely do on our own for minimal cost in a registry office) but I'd love a nice ring and he's up for that but just not the shopping for it bit. I haven't had a romantic proposal (that's fine) and we won't be doing any of that other stuff. Am I being unreasonable in thinking DP could at least fake interest in us buying a ring together? Choosing and going to buy one on my own just feels shit!
But I think I might be acting like a spoilt princess.
He also isn't that interested in having a getting married celebration party (ie drinks in the pub with some friends) which I'd really like but that's a whole other AIBU...
So AIBU thinking the ring should be a joint thing?
Yes this is my second AIBU of the night!
Depends whether you have the same opinion on price. I guess it may get a little heated if his price range is £100ish and yours is £1000ish.
FWIW we didn't have an engagement party and we're having a dirt cheap wedding in a barn. The less showy the better IMO
You are not acting like a spoilt princess. It's hardly asking for the moon to expect him to make this a shared experience.
I've never heard of a woman going on a solo engagement ring shopping trip.
No he should be interested in going and doing that with you, it's a real milestone and he should be proud he's giving you something that's will make you so happy.
To be honest if he really doesn't give a shit about buying a ring or marking your wedding at all even though it means a lot to you, do you honestly think after you're married he is going to treat you nicely and take your feelings into account?
Fair enough he doesn't want this and he doesn't want that but there are two of you getting married.
Bridget - yes he does lots for me and cares lots about me. Treats me excellently. It's just this!
If he's only interested in the legal part of getting married, what on earth makes you think he'll be interested in going ring shopping with you ?
Not saying YABU to want him to come with you, but as he sounds totally uninterested in any part of the wedding about from saying "I do", he's not likely to even think an engagement ring is necessary
I've never heard of a woman going on a solo engagement ring shopping trip. My friend did this, I was quite for her.
Buying your own ring is just wrong.
I think if your DP really can't see how this is something he needs to be involved with, I think I'd just not get one at all - or go shopping just the once and choose both engagement and wedding rings at the same time.
I wouldn't be interested in marrying a man that couldn't care less about something that is special and meaningful to me.
If he can't even manage an hour going round the shops after you have looked and got some idea of what you are looking with, then wearing a ring that is supposed to signify your commitment to your upcoming marriage is going to be meaningless.
Pretty much agree with what Bridget said, TBH. I would be highly pissed off at browsing for and buying myself an engagement ring. There is a difference between not being very romantic - and being a completely pig ignorant tosser, IMO.
In your shoes I suspect I'd be saying, 'Do you know what? Lets forget the whole fucking thing - cos I could frankly do better when choosing a partner for life'...
So, he wants the wedding completely on his terms? I'm sure he does care for you, but sorry, but that is not somebody who is treating you 'excellently'.
I know you might want the experience of going from shop to shop together, but when we did it we only managed a couple of jewelers as we just couldn't bear the level of immense arse-kissing which went on when they were trying to secure a sale. I know other couples who have found the same.
As soon as we worked out what size and style I wanted we went home and spent a great afternoon drinking wine and shopping online, where we got a ring which I love for about 2/3 of the price of a high street jewelers (for the same size and clarity of diamond).
And shopping online would surely be more appealing to your OH?
Do the ground work alone and then make him go along and choose one of two that you have narrowed down? Buying your own seems very against the ethos tbh
Is it the desire for both parties to exchange rings (i.e. he buys you a ring, and you get him a ring), or is this just about 'him' buying 'you' a ring?
I paid for my own ring. I wanted a decent one and I have expensive taste. I earn more than DH2b so I bought my own. He still came with me to the design sessions, looked over the designs and gave opinions etc. I think it's old fashioned to expect a bloke to pay but I do think he should come with you to the shop.
When I got engaged my then fiancé didn't want to shop for the ring either. Like your DP he hated shopping and got quite embarrassed about romantic things like that. Although, to be fair, he did propose in the traditional manner. The whole will you marry me thing - and we did have the whole church wedding etc.
With the ring he asked me to go along and have a look at rings, see what one I liked and then to let him know which it was and he would then go into the shop and buy it. I did this and the shop wrote the reference down on a little card for me to give him. He then went and bought the ring and presented it to me in the box.
It worked very well for us, and knowing me I would have driven him to distraction as I could be so indecisive back then.
(The rather sad annoying bit about this story is that when we divorced after having being together for about twenty years and having four children he asked for the rings back! Like a numpty I gave them to him.)
OP - Are the two of you living together at the mo?
If you are and it's perhaps a long term relationship then perhaps he doesn't see the point (and the cost) of an engagement ring and being disinterested is his way making this point.
I think your getting het up by so called etiquette.whats right for engaged
if you're happy to be engaged,ifjt good solid relationship,doesn't matter how ring purchased
if you judge your relationship by should do's then you'll always be in a spin
apostropheuse after 20 years????? After a broken engagement, maybe, but after 20 years and four children .
Our money is joint so it's not about whose money it is iykwim.
It just feels like it should be a ring that he likes too! Which is stupid because A he doesn't like jewellery and B I wouldn't wear something unless I like it 100% Regardless of what he thinks.
Usually I have no time for these wedding related traditions (and this one was born out of a marketing campaign by debeers i think FGS) so why I care about this I don't know.
Maybe I should just treat myself to something nice.
He asked for the rings back after 4 kids and twenty years of marriage??
Bad cess to him.
My husband just went and picked a ring himself and then asked me to marry him. I didn't choose it. I never wore it after we got married, I dont really like rings in general so it wasn't that big of a deal.
What an arse apostroph!
you've internalised all the marketing blurb about what he should do
don't be so passive, if you're want a ring, go shopping buy a ring
you don't need to wait on a man bestowing it to you like a precious gift
I hardly ever say this but take some well meant advice from someone probably old enough to be your mum. Stop and have a bloody good think about this man. It's supposed to be for the rest of your whole life.
"...Usually I have no time for these wedding related traditions (and this one was born out of a marketing campaign by debeers i think FGS) so why I care about this I don't know."
Yes, honestly, after twenty years together. Three years going out together, then married for seventeen years. I think I was so stunned I just gave him them.
Trying not to speak ill of the dead here!
Would you consider just having a jewelled wedding ring, instead of the engagement and wedding ring combination? That's what I would have preferred, but DH spoiled that idea by presenting me with an engagement ring when he proposed! (That's the only 'traditionally' romantic thing he's ever done, BTW.) But the way I feel about him this week, I'd be happy to give him both of the fecking rings back.
Sorry, slightly off topic...
what's for rest of life?a ring?
the ring isn't the deal.the relationship is
if your relationship solid,a ring won't enhance it
There is no way DH would have come ring shopping with me... he Does Not Shop.
He was entirely happy to let me choose and I was entirely happy to go to all the design sessions with the jeweller without him (you'll get more for your money at a manufacturing jeweller who doesn't need to pay expensive retail rental).
But I'm fairly fussy and he's quite laid back. Whatever works for you I think.
De Beers (a company with a near monopoly on diamond sales) had made up several "traditions" around engagement rules; like the two months salary idea.
Would he get excited about going somewhere and having something designed, so you wouldn't be going round lots of shops etc, it would be different to "shopping"
Would he be interested in designing it together?
I think I know what LetsFaceTheMusic means - she's just asking the OP to think hard about whether the lack of enthusiasm on his part to choose a ring is just not enjoying the shopping trip, or whether it's deeper than that and maybe he's not enthused about marrying the OP.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Look. If she's told him that shopping together for a ring that she will wear for the rest of her life and that is important and significant to her doesn't get his arse off the couch whst chance really? Seriously. The point is that it's important to her and he can't be arsed. If you truly love someone. ....
Exactly LetsFace. He doesn't seem to want to take part in any wedding related activities that he isn't personally fully enthused about.
He should just suck it up.
if you truly love someone,what?if you strongly associate ring=love that's your hang up
love isn't something measured by bling,trinkets.its attitudinal,it's supportive
really,if one measures or equate romantic love with purchases, that v shallow
If I wasn't the OP and was reading this thread I would probably agree with scottishmummy!
I don't think it's shallow, SM - she's going to wear this every day of her life now, maybe, there's no indication this is about the money itself, just wanting to choose this together, same as they will probably pick a wedding venue together etc.
My engagement ring is a family ring (my side) so there was no picking or trips to jewellers.
But still I find this guy's refusal to buy you a nice ring really depressing.
The idea that you should just buy your own because he can't be arsed is shite.
Combined with his insistence that your only celebration if your marriage is a couple of pints in the boozer, it just all seems so disappointing and rubbish.
Dammit, wallaby, you spoiled my point
No SM it's the undestanding and gesture behind the thing and not the ring itself. I just asked my 18 year old son what he would do in this circumstance and he said 'I'd go shopping with her because it was important to her and if I wanted to marry someone, I'd do things that would make them happy and they'd do the same for me'
That's called emotional intelligence. Given my life over, I wouldn't marry someone without it tbh.
Loomk - please understand - this isn't about a ring!
We went shopping for my ring on a Monday afternoon. The shops were very quiet, so we could just get on with it. DH does not like shopping either, but he did think he should do that (and I was very glad he did because he spent far more money than I would have done if I was making the decision on my own.)
I don't think ring=love (although I know that my mother does really, really love me )
But I do think wanting to make each other happy is a really big part of love.
Exactly A thing
if one measures relationship by outward gifts the youre on a treadmill
next it will be right wedding,push. present for baby.fonts for wedding invite
it's all froth it doesn't especially matter.the depth,and consistency of relationship matter
AThing - it's not a refusal. If I said 'right, hatton garden on Saturday?' he'd prob say 'great'. Maybe I am expecting too much that he be the one to drive it forward!
This is all very useful by the way, making me think things through! I think my head is a bit of a muddle (which is very normal for me)
A family ring would be lovely but there isn't that option sadly.
It's not about the outward gifts, the ring is going to be bought regardless. It's about him not being bothered.
If it means a lot to you, of course he should come with you. If he cares about you he will do it.
I chose and bought my own ring. DH paid the credit card bill.
Dh was and still is totally unromantic but he doesn't pretend to be anything else and I knew exactly what I was getting. Fortunately I'm not romantic either. I'm the one who forgot our 1st wedding anniversary
15 years on and he sometimes surprises me with flowers but at the end of the day it's the little things that count e.g. I never have to put the bins out
Good luck OP.
so chose some venues,look rings,nice lunch.job done
rings,engagement etiquette it's not important,the genuineness of his intention matters
so what if you and have have relaxed day,you chose,you pick
It's his overall lack of enthusiasm for any of it that would bother me.
I doubt we would have bothered with an engagement ring if there hadn't been a free one easily available.
But we were still excited about getting married and had a really great wedding.
Maybe it's time for bed, but I'm still trying to get my head around what the OP's issue is.
Is it that he won't come with you?....
Or is it that he won't buy you a ring?
I agree with some of the others- please think very carefully about his enthusiasm for any aspect of this wedding. He seems to want to do it as quietly and with as little fuss as possible.
How do you feel about that?
Aww, yep, just say "Hatton gardens on Saturday?", that sounds lovely
No SM. You're too hung up on this being a thing that costs. It's not about the ring or material goods at all. It's about the emotional intelligence to know that sometimes your partner will have a need that you may noy understand or even agree with but if it's relatively harmless and important to them, you can put your own views aside for the moment and do the thing that makes them happy because it's important to them.
That doesn't have to be stuff you pay money for. But I worry that this bloke won't put himself out to make a woman he says he wants to marry happy. She's not making unreasonable demands around cost etc. She just wants his time and effort really. If he's not prepared to give that now, then what about later?
I have no interest in weddings,rings,dresses.id hate to feel compelled to act bridey
my lack of interest in weddings,engagements isnt indicative of how I feel about relationship
I just dont have interest in engagements.and no I'm not well jel of anyone engaged
I didn't think you were jealous!
squoosh bad cess is right.
I had to read your post twice just to make sure I wasn't in a different forum!!
OP, don't go shopping for your own ring. If its important to you he should get off his hairy arse and feign enthusiasm. You're supposed to be his future wife.
And I didn't get engaged and had the cheapest of cheap weddings. If this was a man who really understood the impotance of being married as opposed to getting married (a favourite gripe of mine in these days of second mortage weddings) then I wouln't have a concern but OP isn't really giving us this picture. He just sounds like a bloke who can't be arsed.
Importance not impotance lol
no.as op says its not a refusal to participate he's just not shopper
her dp is being judged on not trotting along to jeweller like a good boy
if he nodded obligingly and faked interest in shopping he'd be judged a good un
I would hope she'd have the judgment to see through that tbh
And if you love someone, seeing them happy lights you up, no?
Oh no... I'm about to quote Shakespeare.. time for bed
Godd luck op.
Lets - he couldn't care less about the getting married (the wedding [ he would hate hate hate it, the being the centre of attention etc as would I ] ). He totally gets the being married bit! We want to be together forever. The whole getting married bit stemmed from wanting security for our future DCs and each other.
I never even thought I'd want to wear a wedding ring. This suddenly wanting a nice ring is alien to me. But now I want it I want him to want it too. I think part of me worries I'll look back and feel sad for us just getting on with things and tying up the legal bits and forgetting the romance. Reading that sentence back maybe I am being a BU. I've suddenly decided him being interested in something that hasn't ever been that serious to me, is important.
Go on quote Shakespeare!
if I loved someone who didn't like shopping I'd intuitively not compel him to shop
if we are going for. all the eq shite,one would know not to impose own preference
one Would be happy to elicit genuine response,rather than forced socially acceptable good fiancé looking at ring act
I agree with pigsmummy. Do a research visit to your chosen jeweller, narrow it down to three, then DP can be in and out in 15 mins..
I'm not a shopper.
I loathe shopping.
DH is brilliant at shopping.
If he wanted me to go shopping for something with him, I would go.
Particularly if the thing in question was in some way symbolic of our love.
I can understand not having an engagement ring at all.
I can't understand leaving your fiancée to buy her own because you can't be arsed.
I went engagement ring shopping with my brother FFS and helped him pick a ring for SIL.
I was really pleased to be asked. And no way would I have said "nah, pick your own. I hate shopping."
And you must follow your gut Wannabe but do make sure he knows where you're at as even the best of us is not a mind reader.
There are things in a marriage that cause wedges. Things you don't handle well, don't communicate about and don't deal with. But they stay there, driving a wedge. How about sitting him down and telling him what you said in your second paragraph?
And we all deserve a little romance - him as well as you. Itr's not just for other people. It's fun and it's glue to keep a couple together-whatever form it takes for that couple.
I once read from Rowan Pelling (I Know) that your husband or wife should be nothing less than the deepest and most desperate heart's desire. I thought it was tosh at the time.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Have you though about waiting for civil partnerships to be available to all?
and I wouldn't read significance into his reluctance to shop
so,essentially if he acts like a good boy trotting around jeweller he'll be good un?
op needs to consider if overall good relationship.if it is the how ring purchased not issue
We have actually, yes. I think that would be good for what we want.
Sorry SM I think you're just missing the point entirely. It isn't about shopping or the ring.
Then wait for that and go for it when it's available. For complex reasons, I may suggest divorce and then a civil partnership with my DH as it's what I would have chosen had it been available at the time.
Oh right, I just read that he doesn't even want to go to the pub with friends to celebrate your marriage.
How totally fucking dreary.
Most people who have civil partnerships actually celebrate them.
I'm missing no point,is i don't think one should have such rigid expectations
a fair few are judging his response harshly,as being indicative if doesn't care
As he is expected to fulfil a role associated with dutiful partner.thatll prove he cares
Can I ask OP. If you had no kids (and we never regret them - ever) would you have a relationship with him if you met him for the first time tomorrow - but knowing what you know now IYSWIM?
A Thing I would celebrate a civil partnership. But for me it is an equal but different thing to marriage.
"....I never even thought I'd want to wear a wedding ring. This suddenly wanting a nice ring is alien to me. But now I want it I want him to want it too. I think part of me worries I'll look back and feel sad for us just getting on with things and tying up the legal bits and forgetting the romance."
You essentially admit that your relationship has never worked along those lines, but now that 'you' want it to at the point of getting married, you are disappointed that 'he' doesn't seem to be dancing to your tune. I'm sorry, but there is something deeply disturbing about this approach to your relationship, and I am not referring to his supposed reluctance. Is this how your relationship is going to run?.... there is an understanding, but as soon as you feel something a bit different on a whim, then he has to go along with it otherwise the devine feminine of MN get to castigate him?
If so, then I think you need to do you both a favour, and call it a day (or at least not marry him - but that would likely be just doing 'him' a favour if what I understand is correct).
Don't be daft Ola she just needs to speak to him and really tell him how she feels.
And the Shakespeare you asked for OP isn't really about love. It's about mercy but for me it is applicable to love.
In The Merchant of Venice, Portia says that mercy is twice blessed. It blesses those who receive it but it also blesses those that give it. To me, doing something that will make the person you love happy, lights you up too and makes you happy. I think this works well in a relationship where both people get this and do things for each other in a reciprocal way. It makes for a happy couple.
Ola - not all of us have the luxury of knowing exactly what we want for the rest of our lives in terms of marriage and whatnot. Not everyone knows how they will feel in a year or 10 years. My ideas and opinions change. I'm very indecisive and I'm sure that it's a fucking headache for my DP ( it sure is for me). I wish I could be unwavering in my wants and desires and absolutely sure about everything all of the time.
As it is, I'm not. I go through life and everything in it makes me think differently all of the time. I know i am a nightmare. And I think DP is often an absolute saint for putting up with me and my headfuck ways. Maybe I should do him a favour and leave him!
and in what way can't they both have have their preferences met.both light up
it's not about one exerting influence over the other.triumphing in making him shop
if the light up moments in their life are regular,consistent,enriching that's the real deal.not etiquette of engagement
@LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance - What on earth are you talking about?
The OP herself says that their relationship has never been 'romantic', and that she had no problem with that. She also admits that she DIDN'T want a ring until the marketing from De Beers got to her.
Never mind his reluctance to endulge her, there is an equally if not more important an issue in HER head. SHE is the one who appears to be changing what she wants.... HE - however passive he may be - appears to be perfectly consistent from the OP's own account, and he is essentially being castigated for being the same guy he has always been.
If this is rearing its head now, then it will rear its head later on in their marriage, this I can assure you.
That's great Lets and i agree .We do lots to make each other happy. I view our relationship very much as a team effort. I don't want to out myself by explaining everything the man has done for me but he turned his life upside down to be with and support me and I'm so grateful. And he does want me to be happy. I need to focus on all of that I think
OP, you are ALLOWED to want some of the more 'traditional' aspects of a wedding, but you can't expect DP to be a mind reader.
It's not that difficult, just scope out a jewellers with rings you like in the right price range. Then say to DP 'I'd really like you to come with me to choose a ring'. If you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together then putting himself out for half an hour shouldn't be too much to ask. Its not like ou're trying to make him spend the day at IKEA, ffs. Go for lunch or a drink somewhere nice afterwards.
I went shopping to find my ring myself...happily! Dh then came with me and we bought it together. I knew I'd spend ages trying things on etc and I preferred to do that alone. Dh never really proposed, wasn't keen on weddings as he hates fuss so his involvement before the actual day was minimal and again that was fine as he is my partner and I know him and what I wanted was to make it easy for him.
So, he's not full of the flashy nonsense that some of my friends got but he's reliable, kind, always there for me, sometimes brings a surprise gift but won't do Valentines, does the laundry and dishes as my skin gets irritated, runs me baths with bubbles and puts my towel in the heater so I won't get cold, and is overall the best thing that's ever happened to me... It's the marriage that's important not the ring or wedding.
if he wants to marry you he shouldn't be so fucking lazy to try and make you happy!
I mean if he's like this now, how is he going to act when there are real problems? no he should not fake it - but why wouldn't he want to do it?
he can't be arsed to get a ring, he doesn't want a party, he never even proposed - does he want to get married?
he's weird to be honest and I never heard of a woman who haf to choose and buy her own engagement or wedding ring!
maybe a good compromise is just to agree to go together but only to one jewellery shop and you pick the ring but he's there with you. That way you get to choose and it's a joint trip but he doesn't have to worry about getting dragged round loads of shops.
Op. So, you haven't wanted the 'romance-y' aspects of a relationship or a wedding thus far, but some part of you is a bit sad that you might look back and feel you made something romantic a bit... Formal and dull? (formalising your relationship on a forever basis - it's pretty romantic, in the real sense of the word. I personally don't believe doves or roses or whatever to be romantic, but stating your intention to be together forever in a formal way IS pretty lovely).
You're allowed to change your mind you know, or have a feeling which is new or different from those you had before. Just because you hadn't wanted it before and now you do, doesn't mean you can't feel differently, and all the people saying hard cheese, you opted out of romance so no ring for you are being a bit... Well, mean! Isn't marriage or long term partnership about growing and changing with a person? It's not like you've gone completely mad and started demanding a massive wedding in Westminster Abbey
It's a small gesture, an indication of your intentions, and a little tiny bit of glitter added to a legal ceremony. You're not asking him to spend a fortune, the money is joint, you just feel like you'd like it. There's nothing wrong with that. Talk to your DP - just explain that you feel this way, that you're not pressuring him, but would an afternoon bumbling around Hatton Garden be fun, have some lunch in a nice pub, just spend an afternoon together and pick up a sparkle for your finger? Maybe even go with a girlfriend in advance and narrow it down to a couple, then take him, let him get it, pop it on your finger then go have a pint in a sunny beer garden. Doesn't have to be ostentatious. But it's something that clearly means something to you, whatever the reason. However it started, it's become a societal thing, and fgs, it's nice so who cares if it was a deBeers campaign? I loved having my engagement ring in the run up to our wedding. Every time I saw it it reminded me, a little 'ooh' and a smile to myself. I didn't need it, it isn't a big flashy ring, but it meant something to me. DH went and designed it and had it made for me without my knowing. We'd talked about getting married and my DH is not romantic at all - we don't do valentines, don't really celebrate our anniversaries (not in a big way and I can't tell you the date we 'got engaged' on the sofa in our slobs one Sunday afternoon - but I was very touched that he'd done something which he just knew would make me happy.
Maybe it just feels weird asking him to go because it means admitting you want it, even though so far you haven't? You don't want him to feel you've suddenly got different ideas? You said if you asked him, he'd probably go without fuss: is it that you wish he just knew you'd changed your mind? If its that, don't expect him to be a mind reader, just 'fess up. You love him, he loves you, you've got kids. Trust him with your feelings then hoick him into a jewellers and take him for a pint after. Gethin something too perhaps? I have a friend whose fiancée got him an 'engagement' iPod :D
Ps: have just read that back. Bit of a ramble! Blame the pregnancy insomnia
We didn't have the whole romantic proposal but I told my fella that at the very list I wanted him to choose the ring on his own, which he did...and he did a very good job.
I totally understand you, OP. Getting engaged brings up all these feelings, even about rings. I'm not a jewellery person, but when I got engaged, I was dying for the ring. It surprised me by being something suddenly important when I'd never really thought about it before.
He did bring me shopping for it. He barely tolerated the experience. It wasn't what I imagined at all. He wasn't interested in looking at them, had no opinion when I asked, just wanted the price to be right and get this obligation out of the way. I was deeply disappointed by his refusal to have the lovely experience I'd imagined. Not even barely romantic. But I did get a ring I love and love wearing.
If I could have brought my Mum (she's a real ring person), it would have been a far nicer experience.
I'd suggest bringing someone who wants to be there and letting him off the hook this time. Now I am having the big wedding and my fiancé is taking full part in organizing that so it's not as hard as your situation. But as far as planning a wedding goes, it can't all be what he wants.
at not being the same as making him spend the day in Ikea.
If he loves you and knows this is important to you then he bloody well should go with you. That's what we do for people we love. But I would go along first and pick a couple you like. Then go with him, get it sorted and go for a lovely lunch.
I am five months married and still without an engagement ring so your post resonates with me. I am not really a jewellery person, prefer a very minimalist style in everything, and dh comes from a country where there are no engagement rings so he does not understand the relevance at all. He is neither mean nor unromantic, but he is very busy and doens't get the ring thing. That said, it really did upset me leading up to the wedding and since then that everyone says "ooooh let me see the ring" and then look personally appalled when I explain there isn't one, for the zillionth time. I'm baffled because it wouldn't otherwise matter to me, but everyone reacts like it should, and I've absorbed some of that. So I've found a design on the internet and told him that when he can see his way clear to finding the time, that's the short of thing I'd like. He's fine with that.
We had a similar situation to yours with the wedding party.
So my advice is this: get it sorted now. It is bothering you slightly now, and will bother you even more after the wedding, if it isn't done right. I think the party is a one off and doesn't matter, but that ring is on your finger every day. Do some research first so you know what you like and where to get it, just to make the experience as painfree as possible. But he has to go to the shop with you and pay. It's not a huge inconvenience considering what he gets in return.
I went ring shopping on my own, well with my sister. He (reluctantly) gave me a budget and I chose what I wanted and he came back next day with me to do the needful i.e. pay for it!
I'd far rather do that than get something he chose himself tbh and he's also hideous to go shopping with, so if he'd come with me I'd probably have ended up with something I wasn't 100% happy with just to get out of the shop!
Now happily married for 16 years and still absolutely love my engagement ring!
Sometimes in life we have to do things we don't want to do and shopping for an engagement ring is one of them. What about the other things that will require him to be involved, like arranging a wedding, viewing and buying a property, antenatal appointments, seriously this shouts how different you are and that you have to either give him a kick up the arse or get rid.
why does he need to shop for a ring?to fulfil societal expectation of good boy
are you honestly suggesting a day perusing rings makes him a keeper?
so if he's compliant and trots around looking rings. that's indication of keep him.how ridiculous
You've made that point repeatedly, scottishmummy. Are you under the impression that the more often you say it, the more relevant it becomes?
"are you honestly suggesting a day perusing rings makes him a keeper?
so if he's compliant and trots around looking rings. that's indication of keep him.how ridiculous"
No ScottishMummy, it would indicate a man who will do a small thing, to make his partner happy.
If he doesn't want to do this small thing (or anything else which is important to her) it shows he doesn't really care about her happiness.
The cost of my ring didn't bother me. The shopping for the ring though with my DH who hates shopping with most passion than most men, was very special for both of us. It was lovely, we went to Hatton Garden and it was an eye opener as well seeing all the shops.
In the end I got a ring for a few hundred pounds that was half price. He is as emotionally attached to the ring as me, it was a special day.
Alarm bells would be ringing like a nuclear Klaxon if my DH had had no interest in coming to choose the ring.
It doesn't bode well.
The sum of our lives are Memories.
The memory of a lovely day walking round hatton garden, perusing rings, thinking of being together, looking at all the sparklers, seeing all the other couples walking about...having some delicious lunch, discussing...arm in arm, idly thinking about the future, chatting to some dodgy people, some classier....creating memories....
Or - here, £20 quid love, argos sale, bring me change.
I see the oft repeated he should just suck it up,and go ring shopping
why?because thats a societal expectation
why is a good bf a compliant boyfriend
I think letsfacethemusic's son has got it. It's not about a ring. It's about the effort for someone we love.
No it's not social expectation.
It's because she will hopefully wear that ring for the rest of her life and she might just want her future husband there when its chosen. It's really not a lot to ask.
When DH proposed I already knew he hated shopping but I still had no hesitation in saying yes. He said something like I suppose you want a ring followed by "you are going to want to go to more than one shop aren't you?". I was given a budget and we agreed I would shop and chose it and he would pay and collect it. Not a big deal and we were both happy. About 23 years ago now.
He wanted the big wedding too without having to do much organising but my mum was happy to do it
in the days when brides let their mothers do that sort of thing
It's really not a lot to ask.
So would the OP, or the others on here who strangely think this a deal breaker (*really?*) be happy to do something they seriously didn't want to do because it would make DP a happy bunny? I suspect she'd be back on here complaining about being coerced into doing something she didn't want to do and you'd all be going "outrageous - LTB"
Lots of men don't get all warm & fuzzy over things like buying ring and making wedding arrangements. It DOES NOT mean they're not totally committed and turn out to be excellent husbands/fathers.
I am afraid I just do not get engagement rings at all. What a waste of money for what seems an outdated custom. Why hot spend the money on a weekend/week away to celebrate your impending commitment to each other? That seems far more inclusive, modern and loving.
'So would the OP, or the others on here who strangely think this a deal breaker (*really?*) be happy to do something they seriously didn't want to do because it would make DP a happy bunny?'
It's not as though she's asking him to compromise any of his principles. He just doesn't like shopping, but from all she's said this is the only time she has asked or will ask him to accompany her on such an outing.
If this is something that means something to you and he can't manage to muster up the effort to walk into a shop in order to be supportive of it then I think that says a lot. Are you very supportive of him generally?
Wedding's bring out a lot a strange expectations and traditions. I found myself swept up in the need to follow the romantic narrative re engagement rings. We choose my ring together, it wasn't expensive and I paid for most of it, as I had more income. When friends where surprised with the prefect ( very expensive) ring. I felt like we had somehow done it wrong. I was being nuts.
We did what was best for us, we adored each other and really wanted to get married. Two years later we have a strong happy marriage and we still adore each other. The ring thing didn't matter. By the by, I love my simple ring and it feels right for us, nothing else matters.
May consider why you feel this need for a big romantic ring with your partner. You know you love each. If is happy to get a ring and go shopp
ing when you ask, why worry? Do you really need more and if so why?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Agree Squoosh. It's not as if they'll be out shopping for rings every weekend. It's a once on a life time situation.
If my DH had said he wouldn't come with me and I had made it clear that I really wanted him to come with me, I would seriously think about marrying him. To me he'd be saying- I know this once on a lifetime event is important to you, but I don't care, I don't want to spend 2 hours with you ring shopping "
If, like Married, she didn't care if he came or not, then fair enough.
It's almost like not going to a patner's graduation(I hate sitting around for hours to see you collect a piece of paper, therefore I'm not coming, even though you want me to.)
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
As someone else said This isn't about a flipping ring
It's about the Op's partner not giving a toss, that the OP would like him to do something with her, which she feels is important.
He sounds like a childish git, I don't like shopping but enjoyed it with my now wife, outs a once in a life time experience for most people, tell him to put you first imo or ditch him. If he's like this now he's probably going to a useless dick when he's married to you.
You're asking for a few hours of his time ffs
shopping is a really boring activity, not a leisure thing. If this is just about not wanting to waste precious weekend time in stuffy shops, I'm with him.
if it is more about not compromising on things, then red flags. The OP needs to work this out.
A ring is a piece of history, it may be passed down to children its the Provenance, the history the memories.
Here darling daughter, here is the ring your father gave me, or came shopping with me for, it was a great day bla bla bla..
or here is the ring, I loved it - he couldn't give a flying fuck about it.
You do not have to spend loads of money, you do not have to have extravagance, but two people doing something in tandem and sharing a moment like buying a ring is lovely. You should be treasuring these moments together.
Maybe this is his fourth marriage? If not, how does he know he wont like shopping for one.
"...Lots of men don't get all warm & fuzzy over things like buying ring and making wedding arrangements. It DOES NOT mean they're not totally committed and turn out to be excellent husbands/fathers."
You're absolutely spot on Merry. There is a quite frankly insidious creep going on here. Those criticising the OP's partner for failing to just do what SHE wants are following their own agenda. The OP herself has pretty much said that this guy is brilliant and has always put himself out to help her. They are ignoring all this and saying: "what?... how dare he not do what you NOW want and buy you a ring like a good boy?... he obviously doesn't reeeeealy love you".
@gettingeasiernow "...It's not a huge inconvenience considering what he gets in return."
What exactly do you know that he gets in return?
If it's expected for a partner to put themselves out to make their partner happy, then why is the suggestion that the DH must put himself out for the OP, rather than the OP put themselves out for their DH?
That argument simply doesn't work, it's dictating that someone must make a sacrifice, but it has to be the man. Yes in this situation someone must, but there's no reason why it has to be the DH. Especially as it sounds like the OP is going to want other compromises too (the pub celebration etc.)
I would never make my partner do something she wouldn't enjoy, as I wouldn't enjoy the occasion either, I'd take someone I'd wanted along. I would ask her to do something she didn't like when I needed the support - but not for a fun occasion. Of course if we were so incompatible that none of the things we enjoyed were in common we simply wouldn't be together, but that doesn't sound like the OP's case, she's simply got different ideas about this one specific area of marriage - and it's out of character!
its a once in a life time thing.
wouldnt one be expected to make a tiny bit of effort for one day that will have a lasting effect for the rest of their lives?
RazzeDazzleEm If you were talking about the wedding day, then yes - but you're talking about a shopping trip!
@FredFredGeorge "....If it's expected for a partner to put themselves out to make their partner happy, then why is the suggestion that the DH must put himself out for the OP, rather than the OP put themselves out for their DH?"
Come, come now Fred, you can't possibly expect people to see such an obvious flaw in their own logic, when their committed agenda is basically to tell the world how bad the man is for not doing what his woman wants .... Afterall, who cares if your argument is completely devoid of logic, all that matters is that you get what you want ....
No it isn't just a shopping trip.
It's the choosing of a ring which the OP will wear for the rest of her life.
"and I wouldn't read significance into his reluctance to shop"
I agree. OH loathes shopping of any kind. He wears his clothes until they are frayed before he will buy new ones - and online shopping isn't an option as he is tall with long arms and legs so he has to try clothes on. So what we do is window shop online and then go to specific shops to try clothes on. Yet is is kind and loving and we are still happily together after nearly 32 years of being married.
Can you do your research online first and narrow it down to two or three shops before you go shopping?
Mine was a shopping trip to buy something very special over which I wanted to take a lost of time chosing. I chose; DH paid. Every five years o so he looks at it and says "do you want to upgrade that for something better?". And I say no - I like this one it has sentimental value. Next time though I might just ask for a rock for my right hand - providing I can chose and he pays.
FGS it's like these couples who can't decide which packet of chops to by without a fecking conference in the middle of the aisle or over the phone. Just get on with it.
Still amazed by some of the comments.
I think something worth considering is that (most) men really don't "get" all the stuff about engagements, which after all is just a promise to do something monumental at a later date. Even the wedding itself in many cases is really oraganised by and for the woman. I'm not saying men don't enjoy the day, but do they really give a flying fuck about flowers, seating arrangements etc?
As i said earlier my DH didn't come shopping for the ring. He did however come to get the wedding rings and was actually more into the whole process ie what to get engraved etc than I was.
I think men are more focussed on the MARRIAGE than the WEDDING. Hence why DH was far more interested in the rings we would be exchanging after saying our vows. Those are the rings that were important to him because of what they symbolise - our lifelong commitment to each other. An engagement ring just symbolises a commitment to get married, which is totally different thing imho.
Hope that all makes sense - in a rush to head out to have cocktails!
"...its a once in a life time thing.
No it isn't. Have you seen the divorce stats recently? This is just more meaningless 'emotive' language that has been used to get people to tow the line. When it fails we move onto 'fear' language (i.e. if you don't do this thing that is expected of you, such & such might happen). When that doesn't work, we then graduate to the old trusty 'shaming' language (i.e. if you don't do this, you're not a real man/women etc.). Its all pathetic. By the OP's own account, this man has been brilliant to her.
OP, did you go to Hatton Gardens today?
@FredFredGeorge "....If it's expected for a partner to put themselves out to make their partner happy, then why is the suggestion that the DH must put himself out for the OP, rather than the OP put themselves out for their DH?"
Put himself out for the woman he's about to marry? Yes I rather think he should.
One shopping trip. One.
It would appear the OP is going along with a small registry wedding as per his wishes. Shouldn't this work both ways? Bit shabby if he too is unable to compromise.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I just can't get worked up about an engagement ring. I didn't want one as I don't really like rings, and at the time we were skint. I was far more excited that we had made a promise to each other to get married than getting a piece of expensive metal with a stone in it.
My Father sent my Mother a cheque for GBP 37 or thereabouts for her to buy an engagement ring. They married in 1957. She bought a Victorian ring, 3 sapphires with 2 diamonds between each sapphire. She didn't seem to mind that much, but she did mind that he bought the wedding ring too small (LOL). They have now been married for 56 years. He bought her a ruby and diamond ring in Thailand on their 40th anniversary. She has already "threatened" him with buying her a diamond ring on their 60th (only another 4 years). Knowing my Father, he may well do this, if he is still alive (now 82).
Why not just get an indication of how much your other half is prepared to shell out and get something you like?
a ring is for rest of life
oh dear god that's clintons card sentimentality
regurgitating schmaltzy sentiment like that advertisers must love folks like you
I've never been in a clintons in my life SM. I don't go in for sentimentality.
I have been married for 24 years though, and fully intend to wear my wedding and engagement ring for the rest of my life.
No, no hatton garden today, have been really busy! Will have to wait for a free weekend
Thank you for all of the posts by the way! Lots of food for thought.
mn is interesting overview of range pov,but its not definitive must do list
by mn how it goes standards I'm on plums.not interested in weddings,rings
don't need a ring for approbation,and not wel jel about engagements
OP, how will you feel when he refuses to shop for your baby's first cot? Carseat? Little clothes? Or refuses to participate in other sentimental moments? Will he poo-poo a christening? Celebrations of your anniversary? Will he shut you down if you say you'd like a meal out for valentines?
It just seems really cold to me.
FWIW I shopped for my own engagement ring because I'm super picky and knew it would take a long time before I found what I wanted. But I know a million times over that if I'd said to my DH "will you come ring shopping with me today" he would have. We're not overly romantic, but we make a priority out of trying to recognise each other's emotional and physical needs. It's called a partnership.
I think its important to celebrate milestones. They're the moments you look back on fondly as you get older. This may sound like sentimental tosh to you Scottishmummy but 4 years in I still get a kick out of looking at our wedding photos and remembering our (not expensive, but very special) wedding day. I think the OP is entitled to the possibility of creating happy memories.
kiwiinkits They're the things you look back on fondly, I love my DP but I don't get any sort of kick from looking back at our wedding photos. "special days" don't mean anything to me, not everyone is the same, and you have to accept that your partner is not the same as you and come to compromises when needed.
Why would you remember fondly shopping for a ring with someone who wasn't enjoying it and was putting on an enforced jollity for your feelings? "Oh yes, that was the time I badgered DH into traipsing around shops..."
If he didn't want to do any of the other things with you and you did - then he wouldn't be someone to marry, but the OP says this is unusual request for her and otherwise they're very compatible.
kiwiinkits the very thought of my DH shopping for a cot - ROFL.
What do we look back on after nearly 25 years together:
the proposal - now that was nice, very romantic and very spontaneous
the day we moved into our home and bringing both the babies home (when dd came home the neighbours had literally dressed the house in pink ribbon and made a pink bower of the front door
wonderful sand and ice-cream holidays in Cornwall and the night thousands and thousands of tiny fishes were swept into the bay and ds and dh brought home nets full - and ds's awed little five year old face
finding the spot in France that we fell in love with
DS getting his first prize on prize day; DD singing a solo for the first time.
Those are the important milestones - not shopping for inanimate objects.
OP, how will you feel when he refuses to shop for your baby's first cot? Carseat? Little clothes? Or refuses to participate in other sentimental moments?
You people seriously take your DH shopping to buy things like that?
Jesus wept, I don't even take mine out when I change the family car.
Are you are the sort of people who leave bemused partners clogging up the aisles in supermarkets? Admit it.
I went engagement ring and wedding ring shopping with my mum and sisters!! My husband hates shopping, isn't very confident in his choices and would have hated to buy something I didn't absolutely love (also my mum worked in the jewellers at the time so we got a massive discount!!).
I didn't mind at all. Nor did I mind when he asked me to help him pick his wedding ring because he doesn't wear jewellery and didn't have a clue what he was doing!!
I went a picked out my engagement ring whilst my DH was at work then he came and paid for it. Maybe that'd work? We just did it that way because at the time he worked long hours and I didn't want to wait
We had already decided to get married, but DP and I went shopping yesterday and chose I ring together. It's perfect.
He did then get all romantic on me and proposed in the street on one knee and we both sobbed. Fortunately we were in the Jewellery Quarter in Birmingham so most passers by thought it was perfectly normal!
DP was very nervous - neither if us were sure what we were doing. Perhaps that's what your DP is worried about.
"OP, how will you feel when he refuses to shop for your baby's first cot? Carseat? Little clothes? Or refuses to participate in other sentimental moments?"
It didn't occur to me to take OH shopping with me for baby stuff. He just isn't interested. I can't believe that many men are interested in buying baby clothes.
Ignore the "rules" & tell your fiancé what would be important to you.
FWIW, I not alone paid for my own ring, but I went shopping for it with my Mum. The (gay) antiques dealer thought that this was a brilliant arrangement, and that the whole process was wasted on straight men anyway.
If your fiancé is against all of the celebratory aspects of the wedding though, why are you getting married?
I get the feeling that OP doesn't want her DP to come with her so much as she wants him to want the ring as much as she does. Which, given that she admits she's changed her mind under marketing pressure, is pretty unreasonable.
Mind you I'd find proper traditional ring shopping pretty painful myself - all that arse-licking to get you to spend more than you can afford. FWIW I scoped out several rings I liked from online designers on Etsy, sent DP the links, and he picked one out. Luckily he got the vintage one I really wanted . Painless all round.
NotYou - because a marriage isn't about the wedding!
some of big up every inane shop as significant and having deep meaning
shop for first cot?actually we looked online,click and collect it was no big deal
I don't define my life by consumerism or purchases.im not the sum of what I purchase
Why not compromise, you do the initial window shopping, and he comes with you for purchase?
Explain, since it is an investment, he should be there for the purchase. One shop, which contains the ring is not much to ask for. Afterwards you can do something he likes.
Okay, okay I didn't say I dragged Dh along to shop for cots and baby clothes. Far from it, we got most of those things handed down to us and i am very unsentimental about those things. I guess i chose bad examples to illustrate my (clearly not obvious) point. Which is that to some people certain firsts and 'moments' hold meanings way above their practical purpose. Shopping for a ring could fall into that category. Maybe it does for the OP. It really sounds like the OP is feeling a bit gypped out of any of the traditional wedding experiences and is scratching around for something, anything, that would make her feel like her DP is giving a little bit of romance. Affirmation through shopping is a poor substitute, but I totally get the OP's need for it given the complete lack of other wedding enthusiasm from her partner.
If you know your ring size why not choose one together on line, or find one you like show it to him, say " What about this one the?" then get him to pay for it. Then go out for a nice meal together another time where he can slip it on your finger over a nice glass of bubbly. Or Even a nice meal and bubbly at home.
I can see why you'd want him to come ring shopping, but there are other ways.
DH didn't want to go shopping but it turned out he was terrified of how much I'd want to spend on an engagement ring. But as I was getting a wedding band and don't wear much jewellry I wanted to save our money for essentials (rent etc!).
Got a ring I love, unusual shape and suits me, £30. Wedding band is platinum (in sale ;-) )
Didn't think I'd wear the engagement ring after the wedding but I do. It sits happily above my band and I still love it. I would just worry about an expensive diamond, I would hate having to stress about it being stolen or scratching someone/thing with it!
Yanbu. He should want to take you shopping for an engagement ring. Maybe you could include shopping for both of your wedding rings too to draw him in. Make a day of it and go for a lovely lunch after, it should be a romantic day planning spending the rest of your life together!
Get a price he's / your both happy to spend... (Remember you won't remember or really care about hundreds of flowers or how good the food was or even the photos I mean really 10yrs later who actually looks at more than say 10photos of their big day on a regular basis) BUT the ring will still be with you and have gone UP in value to boot!
.... Then go to a jewellers try a few on and find two you like ask them to save them for a few days and tell your other half to go and choose one of the two you have saved... On his own... From a mans point of view he's not being dragged around hundreds of shops and from your point of view you get a surprise.
I've never had an interest in shopping for rings,there's no should about it
there seems to be assumption if her dp doesn't gush about ring=that he not interested
and therefore relationship fatally flawed?maybe he's not that into buying rings
Lying in bed awake and thinking about this thread I remembered something DH did not come ring shopping or cot shopping or really any other shopping for that matter. All fine with me. He did however, register the births of all our dc (and sadly the dead of one little baby). He did all that on his own and I was happy for him to go on his own, trusting him entirely to do it. No way did I feel like shlepping to the town hall on any occasion with a nursing baby, a pram, a struggle with the car seat, etc.
If an 18 year old lad can 'get it' then really other fully grown adults should be able to - it's not that difficult. You sometimes do things, that are important to those you love, to make them happy.
scottishmummy are you being deliberately obtuse? It doesn't make your POV any more valid simply repeating it you know.
It Is Not About The Ring.
I feel an 'I AM CANADIAN' moment coming on.
I went ring shopping on my own, bought it, got it sized, collected it, took it in the box to him next time we were together ( he was living overseas t the time) so the first time he saw it was when he put it on me.
I've been wearing it for 15 years (actually not quite true - I fell down the stairs and my finger swelled up so badly I took it off and put it 'somewhere safe' and the couldn't remember where for 12 mos) and have no intention of taking it off.
I think it's kinda funny that the op has been swept up in the whole weddingtastic thing, when it really wasn't her scene at all, whereas the dh to be is just resolutely carrying on as always. It's really the op that has changed the goalposts, here. I guess he didn't realise what a monster would be created when they agreed to get married
All this engagement stuff is very Clinton cards, yup.
If it helps, dh told me I could spend a shedload. I actually fell in love with an old second hand thing that was cheap as chips, but have lost count of the number of people that have commented on how lovely it is out of the blue. I'm quite proud of the wee bargain I found when I went out hunting on my own. dh was happy if I was happy. Job done. (And he was faintly relieved I hadn't gone for the full on diamond platinum solitaire boulder .
I don't think it occurred to either of us to develop any angst that we didn't ring shop together... And it hasn't affected our marriage in any way at all, honest.
for as long as people wring hands why won't he go buy ring i'll assert ring not significant
no it's not about the ring.at all.purchase of ring:associated behaviour is a societal expectation
if overall everything else is ok don't sweat it about clintons card sentimentality
I think I had a lot of PMT when I started this thread! Turns out I should have just talked more with DP. Prissy had a point - was worried he'd think I'd turned into a bridezilla. ANwy we now have a budget for a ring and we are starting to think about dates and a party. Have just started another thread about it if anyone has any ideas www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1783619-Post-wedding-party-in-a-pub-any-ideas-to-make-it-a-bit-special If it all gets a bit much I might dump the party idea!
Fab. Hope you find a ring you love, and enjoy your celebration. It won't matter two hoots whether you find the ring on your own, or not, honest. Have a lovely party!
<and get thee some oil of evening primrose >
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