To think that I am NOT in the wrong ('he said, she said' type of thing)

(68 Posts)
dufflefluffle Fri 14-Jun-13 09:58:52

Yesterday was hectic. Visitors arriving and I was ferrying them to and from the train station all day (or so it felt) then I cooked two separate dinners, chatted and entertained (all ages from 3 up) and cleaned up. I said to DH I'm off to bed now (he came in during dinner, sat down and ate, went out for a while then came back and watched tv) and went upstairs. I popped back downstairs to put laundry in the machine and while I was doing so he jumped up saying I'm off to bed, you lock up (not a big deal: just checking all doors, turning off lights but I hate doing it at the best of times). I said: No, you do it - I've already gone to bed. He got right in my face and said "F* you several times, I F***ing hate you" and has not spoken to me since. I know he thinks that I am in the wrong and that I should apologise and he will keep this cold war going, visitors here for w'end so this could be difficult. Do I swallow my stubborness and say sorry or do I stick to ignoring him right back. I think his reaction was very extreme.

Dontinvolveme Fri 14-Jun-13 10:00:47

Wow. Is he always like that? I'd be horrified if DP reacted like that to me, in fact I don't think I could be with someone who spoke to me in that way.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Fri 14-Jun-13 10:01:18

Don't think you can keep up a cold war while visitors are present.

However, once the visitors have gone, I'd be kicking your DH out of the house permanently for being a) a lazy bastard and b) an abusive fuckwit.

He's a dick!!

Say sorry for what??

Seriously!!!! What would you be apologising for??

Dick!!

peeriebear Fri 14-Jun-13 10:05:07

He sounds hideous. If my H spoke to me like that I'd think he had had a mental breakdown of some sort. Because he's not a shit.

ImagineJL Fri 14-Jun-13 10:05:28

Wow I wouldn't live with someone who spoke to me like that. And surely if he hates you then you have some fairly significant marital problems, going beyond who locks the door at night.

peeriebear Fri 14-Jun-13 10:05:32

Oh and... DO NOT APOLOGISE!

What are you apologising for?

aFishCalledWanda Fri 14-Jun-13 10:08:25

His reaction is totally disproportionate to the situation. What he said and the aggressive manner in which he said it is totally abusive. Is he always like that? shock

redskyatnight Fri 14-Jun-13 10:10:38

You asking him to lock up in a pleasant way did not provoke that reaction (or at least I hope it didn't or you have big problems with DH). So what did cause the reaction? Was this the last straw in a long running dispute? Or something else going on in DH's life?

Of course it's not ok for him to talk to you like that, but I do think the why he did it is important.

Tallulahmae Fri 14-Jun-13 10:13:15

Nope I would not apologise - you are the one who should be waiting for an apology. Nothing in the world would make me apologise in that situation, are they your guests, his or mutual?

thebody Fri 14-Jun-13 10:16:32

He sounds a vile abusive bully op. why are you with him?

Hullygully Fri 14-Jun-13 10:17:58

Do you live in Stepford?

lottiegarbanzo Fri 14-Jun-13 10:18:46

What on earth would you be apologising for? Existing? Not being his personal slave? Telling him to do something, is that the problem?

He does sound like someone having a breakdown. That level of anger and hostility is not normal. At best, he sounds like a teenager having a strop with his parents.

Why would you choose to live with someone who says he hates you?

HooverFairy Fri 14-Jun-13 10:20:03

Apologise? For what? He sounds awful, let him keep up the sulk in front of your visitors he'll only be showing himself up.

Seriously, is this a usual reaction from him? "I f***ing hate you"??? I'd be considering more than just if I should apologise or not, like whether he's going to live with friends or parents. NEVER put up with being spoken to like that, it's abuse and you (and he) need to recognise that. If it was a one off then perhaps this is a bit extreme but you seem to think this is normal and it's really not.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 14-Jun-13 10:23:10

Actually, I would be tempted to relate it, calmly, step by step, to your visitors, in a tone of bemusement. If anything approaching normal people, they will be incredulous. This would publicly shift the onus onto him to calm down, apologise and behave in an acceptable manner.

MrsOakenshield Fri 14-Jun-13 10:25:02

is he usually like that? Because that's awful.

Why on earth would you apologise? confused

Does he always speak to you like shit off his shoe? He sounds like a lazy abusive arsehole. Sorry OP.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 14-Jun-13 10:28:31

Has he done that before?

Don't you even think of apologising!

PeppermintPasty Fri 14-Jun-13 10:32:15

Good god, how often does he talk to you like that? All because you asked him to lock up!

You are not the problem here OP.

Tell us more, where the hell does "fuck off, I fucking hate you" come from?

lottiegarbanzo Fri 14-Jun-13 10:32:58

It would help make sense of this if you could explain what you think his 'side' of this is. How would he explain feeling hard done by and justified in shouting at you and in expecting as apology?

Either there's something major missing from your OP, or I can't understand why you're asking the question. Can you explain?

(Though shouting at you like that is never acceptable, however justifiably aggrieved he might feel).

waterlego Fri 14-Jun-13 10:35:49

WTF? Does he often speak to you like that?

I would be devastated if my OH spoke to me like that. Like other posters, I would think he was having some sort of crisis or breakdown and would get him to seek immediate help.

Are you ok? sad

waterlego Fri 14-Jun-13 10:38:03

And no, please don't apologise. How would that go?
'I apologise that you verbally abused me in an aggressive way'

Does he normally speak to you this way? If so what the fuck are you doing with him? Hell would freeze over before I apologised, and I'd explain quietly to guests what had happened & what he'd said.

ShabbyButNotChic Fri 14-Jun-13 10:43:28

Wow. If my partner ever got in my face, swore at me and told me he hated me, my response would simply be 'why are you here then? Dont let the door hit you in the arse!'
Why would you let someone speak to you that way?! The only apology you have to make is to yourself for putting up with that shit...

piprabbit Fri 14-Jun-13 10:45:17

I typed a long(ish) reply and managed to lose it.

In summary, he is an arse who needs to pull himself together sharpish.

WinkyWinkola Fri 14-Jun-13 10:46:02

Was he drunk?

NicknameIncomplete Fri 14-Jun-13 10:52:39

What is wrong with you locking up?

I am not excusing his behaviour. It was a serious over reaction but maybe he was annoyed that he always has to lock up & might want to go to bed before you for once.

waterlego Fri 14-Jun-13 11:17:58

Nick It sounds to me as though the OP had already had a very busy day with lots of chores and didn't want to do another chore as she just wanted to get to bed.

However, I think the OP is asking about her OH's reaction, rather than whether the division of chores is fair.

WTF?!
What is there for you to apologise for?

If DH said he fucking hated me if be telling him where to go.

How does he justify that reaction over locking the door hmm

K8Middleton Fri 14-Jun-13 11:25:07

Wtf? I would have packed him a bag and kicked him out for that and the consequences be damned!

But there is no way I would tolerate that crap from anyone nevermind someone who is supposed to love and respect me.

I would leave my DH if he did that to me.

Is it normal for him to do this to you?

Do you treat him with the same amount of disrespect?

Mandy2003 Fri 14-Jun-13 11:28:42

That sort of language and behaviour is NEVER acceptable IMO. I agree with the earlier poster who said their reaction to "I fucking hate you" would have been "Well what are you still doing here then?"

Anger and words like that can often be a precursor to violence. Do you ever feel unsafe around him?

But. You describe having a stressy time with visitors for the weekend etc. Are the visitors his friends/family or yours? If they are yours, do you think this is too much for your OH to handle? Does he have emotional problems normally which would be made much worse by a disruption to his routine? I know if I had weekend visitors I would be in pieces the first day, I just don't handle that sort of thing well.

It made me wonder, you see, when you said he came in during dinner, ate and went out again that he's not happy with the disruption?

ScrambledSmegs Fri 14-Jun-13 11:29:38

What on earth would you be apologising for?! Not having kicked his abusive arse out yet?

He sounds awful.

I'm betting he behaving like this because the visitors are your relatives and he doesn't want them there.

I wouldn't be apologising to him, but I wouldn't be going out of my way to be anything but civil to him or going out of my way to accommodate him.

ivykaty44 Fri 14-Jun-13 12:59:44

why would you say sorry to a man that was swearing and nasty to you?

ChasedByBees Fri 14-Jun-13 13:02:58

I don't think anything would have deserved tha reaction. The fact that he is not grovelling with an apology means it wasn't some momentary madness. Forget apologising, I'd actually LTB.

justmyview Fri 14-Jun-13 13:03:38

You know the issue here is nothing to do with locking up, right? That's a total red herring

The issue is how your DH spoke to you. Does he speak to his boss like that? Or his mother?

Thought not. People know their victim. They know what they'll get away with. Shouting and aggression is now recognised as a form of domestic abuse, by the way. It's not just about violence

Do you have children? If so, you might wish to be aware that it's now recognised in research that hearing domestic abuse in the home (even if not seeing it face to face) is now recognised as "experiencing" domestic abuse. ie not just "witnessing", but experiencing it. Food for thought

Good luck. Stay strong

Cakecrumbsinmybra Fri 14-Jun-13 13:06:10

Of course you aren't in the wrong. What hideous behaviour. nickname, it is irrelevant who locks up, but as you've brought it up, the OP does seem to have done more than her fair share of chores that day!!

OP, has he spoken to you like this before? Do you have DC?

PoppyAmex Fri 14-Jun-13 13:12:22

That's pretty horrible, are you OK? Is this normal behaviour?

OP, regardless of the background story (which puts you in the right anyway), it's never acceptable to speak to someone like that, especially a loved one.

I don't think you'd be "stubborn" by not apologising, because you have nothing to apologise.

This is exactly the kind of thing that DH and I get into a spat about. "You do it, no you" etc. for ten minutes then we'd laugh at how ridiculous it was. In no way would it end up with him screaming in my face telling ms he fucking hated me.

As others have said, the task is irrelevant but the verbal abuse isn't. I'd be tempted to tell him to spend the weekend somewhere else as you had visitors and didn't want to subject them to such an abusive cunt. Then when the visitors had gone he could pick up his things and go.

Does he speak to you like this often? Has he ever done it to your DC?

BillyGoatintheBuff Fri 14-Jun-13 13:16:33

Holly fuck, that is pretty awful behaviour from your dp. I couldn't live with someone who could b so fucking horrible.

Figgygal Fri 14-Jun-13 13:22:36

Is that normal behaviour in your house? I'll admit to us sometimes in an argument telling each other to fuck off or "do it your fucking self" but i fucking hate you that's inexcusable (even for me grin)

dufflefluffle Fri 14-Jun-13 13:22:54

No it's not normal behaviour. He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". But he does occasionally snap like this. Last night I was a bit afraid he might hit me he was so incensed but of course he would control that as hitting is definitely blameable. The visitors are my friends but we are together 20 years and he is fond of these friends. It was an emotional strain all round though. He went out because he has to care for an elderly relative (he does this every night) so yes, he has probably more than his fair share of stress and he does tend to keep it bottled up until he erupts like this. Which is why I wouldn't be showing him the door - I just wanted someone else's take on this in case I was missing something. I didn't ask him nicely I just stated it as I was too tired to put sweetness and light into my voice.
Thank you all though, I needed the affirmation that I am not going mad.
But also: yes, my dislike of locking up is irrational!

ImagineJL Fri 14-Jun-13 13:55:03

Still no excuse I'm afraid. I would demand a grovelling apology or he can go and spend the weekend in a B&B on his own. No way would I put up with that, no way. I have experienced some pretty awful stress in my life, some horrible life events, as well as an ongoing very stressful job. And I have never ever come close to telling anyone I fucking hate them! He needs help.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 14-Jun-13 14:19:15

But that still doesn't explain what he had to be angry with you about. His stress is not your fault.

So, you'd gone to bed, he was going to have to lock up before going up. You came back down, he deliberately jumped at the opportunity to get to bed without doing any more jobs, however small. You said no, you'd already finished for the day, he erupted and out came all sorts of hostility and resentment, in a form that is never acceptable to anyone. How is this not wrong?

The way you describe his efforts to avoid being 'in the wrong' makes your relationship sound like a competition to make the other look bad.

What has ' expressing a strong opinion' have to do with being 'in the wrong'? Are you saying you can't have a discussion without it becoming an argument? Or is that by 'opinion' you don't mean opinion in the interesting, conversational, discursive sense but 'criticism' or 'expression of anger'? So he's constantly restraining himself from expressing anger and criticism? Or am I barking up the wrong tree there?

Inertia Fri 14-Jun-13 14:27:52

Why would you apologise to the person who verbally abused you?

And made you frightened that he was going to hit you?

It sounds like he needs some kind of external support if looking after the elderly relative is provoking this kind of reaction- it's hard work, but it doesn't mean you get to come home and abuse your wife.

yoshipoppet Fri 14-Jun-13 14:33:59

I might be tempted to lock up, but I'd try to make sure he was on the other side of the door...

MrsOakenshield Fri 14-Jun-13 14:38:14

'He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". ' Don't you think that's a bit worrying, that he is so determined never to be in the wrong? I can't quite understand this - is it him not wanting to be proved wrong? Or do you come down on him if he says something you don't like (the 'wrong' thing) or which turns out to be 'wrong'? Either way, that surely needs to be sorted out between you.

No way is that an excuse for they sort of behaviour.

I wouldn't expect to be spoken to by anyone like that let alone someone who was supposed to love and respect me.

justmyview Fri 14-Jun-13 20:20:06

Oh dufflefluffle your last post makes me more concerned for you, not less. I think you're a bit in denial here. Stay strong. Look after yourself
flowers

" He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". But he does occasionally snap like this. Last night I was a bit afraid he might hit me he was so incensed but of course he would control that as hitting is definitely blameable."
Am I the only one who finds this a bit chilling? It smacks of mind games to me - a sort of I-am-going-to-make-your-life-hell-but-in-such-a-way-that-you-won't-feel-able-to-complain-because-it-will-sound-petty-even-though-your-life-is-hell.

"He got right in my face and said "F* you several times, I F***ing hate you" and has not spoken to me since. "
I really, really don't give a shit how stressed he might be. There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour. And from your posts, this is not the first time he has done this. To be blunt, he's telling you how he feels - I think you need to listen, and take the appropriate action. Which IMO would include kicking him out. I sure as hell wouldn't be playing nice just because there is an audience (your visitors).

Having read your further post OP, I thinking he did this to put you firmly in place as he knows you would not react in any other then to sweep everything under the carpet while be extra nice to him as you are afraid he will blow up again.

I would urge you to really think about what you want and if this is the relationship to get it.

RedHelenB Sat 15-Jun-13 07:52:29

Only you know how you "told him" to lock up but his reaction does seem very extreme.

exoticfruits Sat 15-Jun-13 07:58:32

I wouldn't do either of the 2options that you give, there is nothing to say 'sorry' for and sulking is as childish as his response.
I would wait until the visitors have gone and tell him that the relationship is in problems and things have to change. You don't seem to realise that you are in an abusive one - you are making excuses for him being stressed, but that is his problem- don't let him hang it on you.

This is awful. He is awful, and you are being abused.

sad

wtf? if dh said that to me id be going to visit my mum... permenantly!

what an arse. stress is not an excuse!

ZillionChocolate Sat 15-Jun-13 08:30:14

If he's stressed, I might accept a bit of muttering or grumbling, at a push, a "you do it" "no you do it" argument. What he did is never acceptable and completely inexcusable.

It worries me that you seem to suggest he's in control of what he's doing in a calculating way, so that he can't be blamed. He's choosing to be aggressive and abusive to you. You deserve better than that, and so do your children. You need to change this situation, not by apologising for his behaviour, but by making yourself safe.

mummytime Sat 15-Jun-13 08:31:07

My DH and I have been known on occasion to have hum-dingers of arguments. In the midst of the worst of these I cannot imagine him ever saying that or shouting in my face like that. However stressed he was.

If either of us ever did that we would have crossed the line of no return, and the marriage would be over.

Sorry but there is no excuse. I can't see you have anything to apologise for.

Dackyduddles Sat 15-Jun-13 08:37:40

Whose up for rendition of beyonce?

To the left to the left.... All ur stuff to the box to the left!

Mandy2003 Sat 15-Jun-13 11:23:22

whereyouleftit - I absolutely agree!! I was in this kind of abusive relationship for a long time. It drove me to a breakdown in the end.

Another one here furious on your behalf. While your friends are there, how about starting a conversation about getting angry and ask them (infront of him) if they think a man getting in his wife's face and repeatedly saying fuck you, I fucking hate you is acceptable behaviour.

Excellent suggestion, tallwivglasses. He's using your visitors against you, feeling safe to escalate his shittiness because he thinks you'll keep it quiet in front of them. Turn it around and use your visitors against him, as per tallwivglasses's suggestion.

OP, on the basis of what you say, his reaction was extreme. So extreme that I wonder why you ask the question.

If something like that happened to me (and I'm sorry to say that it has), I would be holding my ground - giving in once means giving in again. However, I would be trying to find out why it happened.

ThisWayForCrazy Sat 15-Jun-13 19:44:05

I am actually really really sad that he wouldn't hit you because it's blameable, rather than he wouldn't hit you because he loves you so much.

His behaviour is not acceptable though.

cortado Sat 15-Jun-13 19:58:34

Why did you marry this bloke...

ENormaSnob Sat 15-Jun-13 20:00:23

I honestly and truly think you should leave the abusive bastard.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 15-Jun-13 20:08:13

Being stressed does not excuse intimidating and verbally abusing you.

There is no excuse for treating you like this.

Op, please have a look at this website or this book

You deserve better.

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