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to report this pic posted by my Father as his Facebook Profile Picture

(75 Posts)
MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 03:21:10

My father and I don't communicate. He is an abusive, unrepentant twat. After an horrendous childhood and a bumpy adult relationship - I ended up cutting myself off from him a few years ago.

My DH and I have a policy of no profile pics of our children on FB - probably a little OTT but there are too many nutters in the world and we prefer to share photos of our little darlings selectively.

So, you'd imagine my surprise, when idly googling my DF, to see he has pinched a photo of our children from DH's Aunties FB and posted it as his profile picture. A typical passive aggressive thing for him to do.

So here is the AIBU dilemma? I decided, rather than open a can of worms and contact him directly to ask him to remove the picture that I would report the picture to FB as my intellectual property and ask them to ensure it was removed on the basis that this is an unauthorised picture of my children.

Was this unreasonable?

MammaTJ Fri 14-Jun-13 03:29:47

Not in the least!

TigerSwallowTail Fri 14-Jun-13 03:48:16

Did FB remove the picture?

Rulesgirl Fri 14-Jun-13 04:03:15

I have no pictures of me or my children on facebook because as it says in the rules, all pictures etc are the property of facebook and can be used by them. Facebook is handy but can be a nasty tool when used inappropriately. You can view so many peoples facebook as most people don't make them private. I don't understand that. And you can go through all the pictures if you want to. From their pictures you can see things in the background like addresses on letters, birthday cards etc and is an easy way for identity thieves to gain information. People do not realise how much of their lives they put out there for anyone to see and use. You are not being unreasonable and it is a matter of safety and security that the photo of your children is removed. Hope this happens for you.

HullMum Fri 14-Jun-13 04:25:43

yanbu. did the same with asshole sil

HullMum Fri 14-Jun-13 04:28:31

Oh btw there is a specific page for reporting pics of your kids, Its not in the normal report section. They make you link to it and message them hmm

in other words as difficult as possible to find and do because they must get loads of requests.

I hate watching the news whenever there is a tragedy they always show pics "courtesy of FB" it's vile

I'm slightly undecided on this one. On the one hand he should not have posted a picture of your children without permission; on the other hand you have posted the picture yourself, on an internet page that can be accessed by anyone. As Rulesgirl pointed out, facebook does make this clear. Once you post pictures on there, they are no longer your property. If he had taken a photograph himself and posted it, it would have been more clear cut. Sorry, if that's not what you want to hear.

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 04:51:55

But my picture is mine to post. I am aware of the T's&C's and take the necessary precautions to ensure my FB profile picture has no identifying content. I would never dream of posting a picture of somebody elses child on the internet, let alone as a publicly available profile picture.

In this instance, my Dad has actively stolen the picture from somebody elses timeline - from a closed album (they are FB friends), and made it his profile pic for the entire world to see. This is mostly what I object to. I'd be less worried (but no less weirded out) if he put the picture on his timeline as, this has least has some privacy controls.

I have used the specific section for reporting pictures of children Under 13 and provide a link to FB and they have not yet actioned it.

Still scratching my head at the absurdity of the entire situation. We don't speak, he hasn't laid eyes on my children for 6 years and has never even met my daughter. Nor has he ever had anything remotely nice to say about my kids - yet he is still pretending to the world that everything is hunky dory. hmm

Fairyloo Fri 14-Jun-13 05:58:05

What can be do e with a photo? It's a photo of his grandchild

I think you are being totally PFB

TwasBrillig Fri 14-Jun-13 06:05:12

I'd be thinking what fairy wrote . . .

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:09:39

It's a photo of all three of my children which is available for everybody in the whole wide world to see.

It could be used - in very crass terms for paedophiles to wank over.

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:11:25

His grandchildren whom he does not see and has never ever cared about? Having beaten me senseless all my life and left me to be abused at a party - aged 5 whilst off getting blind drunk, before beating my mother to a pulp.

He does not deserve the title grandfather.

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:12:15

I am too angry and damaged. I should never ever have posted this thread.

I realise that I am not being unreasonable - given the circumstances. But will have MN HQ pull this thread.

If you're so worried about the gangs of wanking paedophiles roaming Facebook for photos of your children don't allow anyone to have photos of them online, not just your father.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Fri 14-Jun-13 06:13:51

I agree with Justforlaughs. I don't necessarily agree with what your father did, but at the same time it's a little hypocritical to choose to post a picture on a public forum (because that's what Facebook is, regardless of all the guff about publicity settings) voluntarily, with all the well-known risks that entails, then complain when someone appropriates said picture on the same public forum.

If you don't want to give unwelcome family members, strangers and randoms the opportunity to use your photos for their own ends, then don't post them on Facebook. Email them to the specific person or people with whom you want to share them and ask them in the email not to put them on social media.

Facebook is a convenient way to share photos but it isn't a safe way, so you either take advantage of the convenience but accept the risk, or you control the dissemination of your photos more tightly and accept this will mean doing so by more long-winded methods.

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:16:58

I never ever posted this picture on Facebook.

The picture was posted by somebody else - DH's aunt. My father stole it from her.

My settings do not allow anybody but specific friends to see my pics.

HotCrossPun Fri 14-Jun-13 06:17:30

MrRected Instead of asking them to pull it, why not get it moved to relationships?

For what its worth, YANBU. He has acted terribly towards you over the years, doesn't see your children and sounds like he did that just to wind you up.

I don't think this is a case of you being 'pfb' hmm

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:18:25

I have subsequently asked her not to post pics of my children on FB.

Look, I think everyone understands why you are upset that your father has used this picture as his profile picture, and I am very sorry to hear what you went through at his hands. I don't think anyone wants to belittle that, but the point in question is about someone (whoever that may be, father or paedophile or random person) reposting a photograph that was put on a public forum. The bottom line is that IF you put photographs on a public forum then the photographs are no longer your property, YOU have made them public and as such people are able to repost them at will.

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:19:13

Thank you Hotcross. Your kind tone has actually made me cry.

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:19:40

I WILL REPEAT

I DID NOT PUT THESE PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK!

Sorry, I thought you had posted them originally. If your relation has taken photographs of your children and has posted them on fb without your permission then it is her that you should have an issue with. I don't post pictures of my children and would not be happy with anyone who did.

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:22:45

I did take issue with her and ask her to make them private. She thinks it's a joke - she doesn't believe me when I tell her how terrible my father is.

God this thread is raking up so much shit. I have to go.

Thank you all.

HollyBerryBush Fri 14-Jun-13 06:23:47

Well the thing that struck me was, if you have no contact, haven't seen him for 6 years - why are you googling him?

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:40:00

Some sad desire to see if he's ok, I suppose.

Despite the fact that he abused me, he is still my father.

DangoDays Fri 14-Jun-13 06:47:32

Mrrected hope you are alright.

You don't have to explain your actions. I think an exercise in empathy can help anyone figure out why you might look up your father.

Re the actual reason you posted I hope FB take it down for you. Of course you have a right to request this. Could you have a more serious chat with your aunt about respecting your wishes and the challenges of your past. Also have you a friend/partner around for a cup of tea and hug? Take care.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 06:49:57

Whoa!!

There are some strangely unsympathetic replies on here

Op, yanbu and I hope FB will take you seriously

What a very fucked up family you have, I am so sorry

kelda Fri 14-Jun-13 06:53:21

YANBU. Presumably you've asked the auntie to remove it as well?

How did your father get the photo - is he friends with your dh's auntie or did she have the photos on public?

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 06:58:27

I am so thankful to those of you have posted so kindly. Thank you.

My father is a master at appearing like a saint. He will go to almost any lengths to keep up appearances. For this reason, DH's auntie thinks I am a bit mad and refuses to stop posting pics on her profile - my dad and her are friends, so he has free access to her pics. He manipulates most situations and she believes he couldn't hurt a fly sad.

He is only using this picture to wind me up and make me realise that he still has the control.

Carolra Fri 14-Jun-13 07:02:38

The Facebook T&Cs say that any photos posted to their site become "theirs", you lose your copywrite/intellectual property etc just by posting them up there... The site is designed to promote photo sharing etc so I don't think they'd consider this a "stolen" photo.

I'm completely on your side, I think what he has done is terrible and you have every right to be upset. Unfortunately I don't think Facebook will care a jot... There are other sites that allow you to share photos with much better security, I'd use them instead of Facebook for pics of your dcs. Good luck getting anything useful from the Facebook people!

MrsSchadenfreude Fri 14-Jun-13 07:08:05

"It could be used - in very crass terms for paedophiles to wank over."

Really? I can see why you're angry at him having your photo, but this? Why not ban eg the Mini Boden catalogue in case it becomes a wankfest for paedophiles.

So YANBU to be cross that he has obtained your photo through nefarious means, but YABU to think it could be used by paedophiles.

xylem8 Fri 14-Jun-13 07:12:04

they are your aunts photos so surely her intellectual property. Your dad is going to blame her for getting the photo pulled. I think you are being precious anybody could take a picture of your kids io the street or in the park and use it to yank over.

HollyBerryBush Fri 14-Jun-13 07:12:37

Don't give the Auntie any more pictures!

If it's one thing I have picked up from MN of any value, it is the phrase "don't give them headspace then they can't fuck with your mind", granted that is easier said than done.

Block your fathers profile so you can't see him or google him - that really is the simplest way. Then tell yourself 'it's a picture' just a picture.

cornypedicure Fri 14-Jun-13 07:13:21

Your dad sounds like a manipulative bully. I think that your auntie must know what he's like in her heart - surely posting the pics should be enough to show your auntie that he's trying to upset you.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this OP - it must be awful for you.

sweetestcup Fri 14-Jun-13 07:14:06

Im kind of thinking the photo and fb aren't really the issue at all, and its about the control issues in your relationship with your Father, of which you have said this is an example. Emotional damage from childhood can and often does last well into adulthood causing problems. Its actually really common for victims of abuse to have all these mixed feelings, especially when the perpetrator is a parent, the one person in the world who's meant to love, care and protect us. I think you could benefit from talking about your feelings and hope it works out for you. He can only have power if you let him, you have cut him off and he doesn't see you or your children, hes the loser....doesnt matter how many pics hes posts its not real and never will be.

chicaguapa Fri 14-Jun-13 07:15:43

I'm sorry this has happened and I can understand why it makes you angry.

Firstly, I wouldn't contact your father because he's doing this for a reaction so don't give him one.

I'm not sure you can do anything about it now it's on there, but if you want to make sure they can't be identified as your DC, I would defriend anyone you and your father share on Facebook.

I would also take it up with your aunt if she's putting pics of your DC on Facebook against your wishes. Whether or not she agrees with your reasons for not wanting them on there, they're your DC and she should respect that.

HTH.

HollyBerryBush Fri 14-Jun-13 07:17:53

BTW - you can request from FB that the picture is removed - it is a bit of urban legend that once a picture is posted it is public property, it isn't legally.

digital.community-journalism.net/askanexpert/answers/can-i-use-facebook-photo-news-story-with

AS FB is a US entity - you would need to use this www.copyright.gov/onlinesp/

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Fri 14-Jun-13 07:18:04

You are actually, I think BU about the picture and the paedophile-wanking comment is irrelevant (as well as spurious)

But your issues aren't the picture. They are your father. And your feelings about him are totally NOT unreasonable. I agree with the suggestion of moving this topic (or maybe starting another?) on relationships. You have a truck load of stuff to work through wrt your relationship with him I think. If you want to. If you need to. If you're ready to.

SoupDragon Fri 14-Jun-13 07:21:24

Who took the photo?

mummytime Fri 14-Jun-13 07:23:17

I don't think you are BU at all.

CinnabarRed Fri 14-Jun-13 07:39:30

Another one suggesting you repost in the Relationships section - you will find boundless sympathy and support there.

((((OP))))

scarletforya Fri 14-Jun-13 07:54:55

YANBU

Very suprised at the unsympathetic replies.

I don't think some people 'get' abuse OP. There's also a fashion on MN not to appear hysterical about pedos. So much so at times that people almost go to the other extreme to prove they are 'unreactionary'. <sigh>

You did the right thing OP. It disgusts me to hear that this manipulative man has appropriated the image from your dhs Aunts FB and used them on his own.

Obviously the worry is he is trying to disseminate images that show him as a happy family man when he is anything but. I completely understand your being creeped out by it.

NynaevesSister Fri 14-Jun-13 08:11:37

YANBU

They are your kids. If you don't want photos on FB then Aunt should respect that and I am confident FB will action this eventually. They get a lot of requests I expect.

chenin Fri 14-Jun-13 09:20:32

People like this make me SICK (your father that is...) They use the internet in the worst possible way... to bully, to have control, to get at someone.

You are certainly not BU but I agree with other posters, I wouldn't contact your father... that's what he's hoping/expecting and if you do so, he will have won. You feeling uneasy about your kids pic on his FB profile is not unreasonable at all.

quoteunquote Fri 14-Jun-13 09:38:16

He just want power over you, this is the only way of doing it, so congratulations you have managed to disengage in a way that he no long feels he has power over your life, this is his last ditch attempted,

Let everyone know that you do not want any picture of your family on FB, and ask them to up their privacy setting or let you know and you will put them on a different setting or be de friended.

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 09:42:25

Yes, I forgot to say don't contact the twat (your father)

MrsDeVere Fri 14-Jun-13 09:43:35

YANBU
He doesn't get to do that.
They are your kids.

I have a similar issue. Its a very complex family thing.

SolomanDaisy Fri 14-Jun-13 09:47:00

Yanbu, he sounds like a horrible person and has no right to your children's pictures. I'd defriend your aunt too.

You know your feeling about paedophiles wanking over the photo is irrational though, don't you?

YANBU to be upset with him, seems like he did it in the hopes of getting a reaction from you.

I'm sorry for what he's put you through. sad

Saying that, I don't think the photo belongs to anyone but FB now. Perhaps I'm wrong but I think, when it's posted, it becomes the property of FB.

adverbial Fri 14-Jun-13 09:48:26

Of course yanbu. I hope they remove it for you swiftly. I have no words for what I think of your father's behaviour.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 14-Jun-13 09:49:06

<Big Hugs>

I would also report the photos on your Aunts page and tell her that you do not give a flying fuck care what she thinks, if she posts anymore you will contact the police.

I don't know what counselling you have had - but maybe you should find another sort to help you deal with 'he's still my father'... you are still allowing him to hurt you sad

BegoniaBampot Fri 14-Jun-13 09:49:10

OP - at first I thought YWBU a little but given your history with your dad it is completely reasonable to be upset over this. YABNU at all.

crumblepie Fri 14-Jun-13 09:54:53

yanbu i can understand you being pissed off op , and glad you let the aunt know even though she wasnt much help ,i can understand you looking him up as well even after what he put you through , you dont have to justify to anyone why you were looking him up .

WinkyWinkola Fri 14-Jun-13 09:54:58

Yanbu yanbu yanbu.

And it sounds like you need to stop seeing those relatives who think you're a "bit mad" after everything your dad put you though.

I think it's inevitable that those who have had a bad time in their childhoods will be very protective over their dcs.

I would t let your aunt take pics of your dcs, op, if she's not going to respect your privacy wrt your vile father.

WilsonFrickett Fri 14-Jun-13 09:58:53

He took the picture because he hoped you'd see it. He did it to needle you, to get inside your head. So by contacting him or fb, you're letting him win. Far, far better for you to simply block him - then you won't be tempted to look him up again (I absolutely understand why you did).

I have no doubt he's using the pic to prove some sort of 'oh I am an amazing parent and grandparent' schtick to himself. And I can understand how enraging this is for you, I'm a bit hmm about some of the replies you've received tbh. Take care of yourself, disengage from the situation, and if your family don't take you seriously, tbh I'd be seriously considering disengaging from them too.

((hugs))

fishfingericecream Fri 14-Jun-13 09:59:31

YANBU, I am wondering if you ask Facebook to ban photo if your father will replace it with another photo of your kids because he knows he is hurting you. Maybe leaving it would be better and he will get bored and take it down when he doesn't get the desired effect, eg hurting you. Just an idea.

I do understand your concerns though, I am sorry you are in this position.

Fairyloo Fri 14-Jun-13 09:59:51

Sorry op I didn't really understand the context to your story (as you wouldn't from your initial post!!)

Yanbu

miemohrs Fri 14-Jun-13 10:02:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinkyWinkola Fri 14-Jun-13 10:07:21

Yes, ignore what your father has done with the picture but make sure he has no access to any other photos.

fishfingericecream Fri 14-Jun-13 10:09:36

Yes, important to make sure he has no access to any other photos.

Fakebook Fri 14-Jun-13 10:16:45

I don't think YABU at all!

You have no relationship with this man. He's been abusive towards you when you were a child, and he's effectively stolen a pic and put it up as a profile pic so he seems like a loving and caring grandfather when he so isn't.
That would flipping piss me off too.

I'm not sure if fb will remove the pic as its not your intellectual property, it's your aunt's. even if your aunt reported it, I doubt they'd remove it. I've had pics stolen from my cover pics folder and fb didn't remove them from the thief's wall.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 14-Jun-13 10:24:11

YANBU

He knows what he is doing and it is hard to cut yourself off from a parent it is hard not to care

You need to be very clear with people that you do not want pictures of your children put online, private fb or not it is easy to hack into and easy to copy. You do not have to explain why your ask them not to

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 10:36:11

YANBU - I would be fuming. I'm so sorry he has treated you like he has, and that he is continuing to fuck with your head. How dare he use pictures of your dc's?!?! He lost the right to have any association with them through treating you how he did.

I hope you have support in rl with dealing with the effect of his abuse. Sending you lots of support x

shadylady89 Fri 14-Jun-13 10:42:38

YANBU. Social networking sites are full of people who use them to bully, control, and generally get at others for reasons known only to themselves. Unfortunately, posting the picture on FB has put it in the public domain, so as Fakebook says it's probably too late to undo that.

plainjaney Fri 14-Jun-13 11:12:59

YANBU, but I think by doing something about it you are playing the game he's intended you to play. He's got you wound up and desperately trying to remove it. By simply ignoring it you aren't playing his game and he doesn't win. By getting FB to remove it he will know you have been looking him up...

As for the pedophile wankfest. There YABU, sorry.

MrRected Fri 14-Jun-13 11:21:23

Thank you all. I have blocked him and as much as it pains me to do it, I will let it go. Simply not worth the complications of engaging with him.

You have all helped me so much. Even the ones that said IWBU - have given me the added resolve, in a way.

MN at its best. thanks to you all smile

AnyFucker Fri 14-Jun-13 11:43:06

thanks back atcha

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 14-Jun-13 11:53:40

My xh took the only one of our DC, it looks kinda silly tbh as they were very little in the picture as it was 2007/2008 I asked Facebook to take it down they refused and said to 'send a message to xh to let him know he was upsetting me' hmm

I hope they take you seriously

SybilRamkin Fri 14-Jun-13 13:43:11

YADNBU! (((OP)))

Morloth Fri 14-Jun-13 13:48:23

Ditch the Aunt as well, she is giving him access to your life.

pigletmania Fri 14-Jun-13 14:04:05

Yanbu at all [fliowers]

pigletmania Fri 14-Jun-13 14:04:38

Meant flowers

MrsMeow Fri 14-Jun-13 18:13:58

MrRected, I understand completely. My father would do the same thing if he were on FB. You're not BU at all.

Could you hide your pics from your Aunt as well, or anyone that your father would be able to save them from?

I think it's fair enough but why not ask the dh's aunt to take it down too as she is also using a picture of your child on her facebook page?

MrsGSR Sat 15-Jun-13 00:07:10

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I also think there is a difference between a family member having pictures of your dcs that only her friends can see and your dad having a public picture anyone can look at, especially if he never sees them. Even without a back story I would be annoyed.

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