Who is being unreasonable here?

(233 Posts)
Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:38:54

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

Hegsy Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:07

YABU yiur children should be more important than alcohol

Jengnr Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:07

If not drinking once or twice a week when you are with your children is too much for you you have a problem.

It's cost you your marriage and it'll cost you your kids at this rate and you're still putting it first. Get help.

Hassled Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:27

I think you are. By your own admission your drinking was "quite excessive" - so she saw you being a pissed up arsehole quite frequently. More than she needed to. Did your kids see that?

So - the result of this is that she doesn't trust you to behave appropriately/acceptably unless you're sober. Can you really blame her? You may disagree - you may believe, and be right, that you can have a couple and be fine. But you have a lot of ground to make up - your Ex clearly doesn't have a short memory.

And ultimately she's going on the basis of what she believes is in the best interests of your children. And she was there, coping, while you were drunk. So do you really want to argue with her over this?

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:36

You are, sorry. You must know that? confused

Could you talk to a GP or someone about the drinking? Thinking 'two or three' pints is a fine level for you to have and then sleep in your DCs room sounds bizarre to me. I don't mean to be harsh as I do honestly know alcohol problems can be really tough, but you are not seeing this straight.

Mitzyme Thu 13-Jun-13 22:45:50

You are. Get help with your drinking ASAP.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 22:46:37

If you are so bothered about having a drink, then you have an alcohol dependency.

MajesticWhine Thu 13-Jun-13 22:46:41

YABU. I think she has it quite right. Are you sure there is nothing wrong with you having a few drinks? Was screwing up your marriage not enough damage? I imagine you behaved very badly when you turned up "a bit worse for wear".

CharlieBlanche Thu 13-Jun-13 22:46:53

You turned up to visit your children a 'bit worse for wear?'

shock. sad

YABU. If drink's been an issue in the past then your ex is being sensible.

ImagineJL Thu 13-Jun-13 22:48:59

YABU. In fact, so much so that I wonder if this is a reverse AIBU?

Mia4 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:49:08

Is this a reverse AIBU? I hope so. OP you sound like you have alcohol issues. for the sake of keeping the relationship amicable and being there for your DCs I suggest you look into some support. Good luck.

Hemlet Thu 13-Jun-13 22:49:49

It sounds like she has had enough of your idea of 'just one or two being fine' and wants it to stop.

You should be able to see your kids without needing a drink first.

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 22:49:54

A couple of weeks ago you turned up to your children's home pissed and had a nasty argument with their mother as a result. She has every right to change the rules, you screwed up the amicable arrangements.

So now you have to choose, sober a couple of nights a week or not see your kids, have to say, the drink sounds very important to you. Are you ever concerned about your drinking?

FerrisBueller1972 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:50:03

Is this one of those reverse 'a' thread

singaporefling Thu 13-Jun-13 22:50:41

Am guessing you want honest answers.... I DO think YOU are being unreasonable, in view of the fact that she remains wary/traumatised by past events - it is NOT acceptible to turn up 'worse for wear' under any circumstances. It may seem unfair and as if you're on some kind of 'probation' but frankly you are, and her attitude may seem draconian and a little 'born again' teetotaller but I can see where she's coming from. It IS kind of black and white for her obviously and it should NOT be difficult for you to prioritise - alcohol OR children ?? That may seem extreme, but her tolerance is low and possibly ( you've been honest enough to admit ) for good reason. If you build bridges, remain completely sober, alcohol free in her/dc's presence, then things may eventually change to where you don't feel the need to drink alcohol at all or when you're with the family. Tbh the thought of somebody near my kids after having had 2/3 cans is gross... And have you asked yourself why on earth you'd need to 'finish up your drink ' in a bedroom when visiting your children ? I know what seems normal to one can seem horrible/excessive to another and I know she ' knew what she was taking on' with you, but the crucial fact is that, that WAS before dc's - they're worth making changes for and you'll smell much nicer and they'll never have to see you intoxicated....

Has to be Fred in reverse surely?

ChaoticTranquility Thu 13-Jun-13 22:52:44

YABU You say she knew what you were like when you first got together and that she used to drink a lot but stopped when you had DC. It seems to me that she grew up and accepted the fact that she had responsibilities. You on the other hand have continued being immature and selfish, and even though it contributed to the break up of your marriage you've continued that attitude/lifestyle. It's about time you grew up and started putting your DC before your drinking.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:53:03

No it's not a reverse AIBU. This is exactly what has happened. My ex W suggested I post here because she uses this site a lot. I just find her very controlling tbh, my dc don't see me drunk at all so it doesn't affect them. I honestly feel like she just wants to make problems all the time.

Is this for real?

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:54:22

I am concerned about my drinking yes, but my family are all big drinkers and I hold down a very responsible high earning job. Just don't believe it's as bad as she says.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:02

I think this has to be a reverse, must be.

I really hope it is anyway.

If it isnt then OP, you are a complete fuckwit and unless you sort yourself out you will be seeing your children in a contact centre for 2 supervised hours a week and will not be allowed in if you are in anyway under the influence of alcohol.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:19

She's not 'controlling'.

Sorry, but she's not. I get that this is upsetting for you.

But you did just post that you'd drink and turn up to see your kids, so I don't think you can claim they don't see you 'drunk'. I suspect your idea of 'drunk' and everyone else's are pretty different - you think you're 'fine' after two or three pints.

I believe you that you feel this honestly. It's a normal feeling. Your brain is telling you 'don't be so silly, of course it's fine, she is being mean and you can have another drink'.

That is the alcohol talking. You need to ignore it.

Go to your GP and get him or her to help you - it won't be scary, and it will show your ex you're trying.

MrsMagpieCovetsShinyThings Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:20

Your children deserve better than an alcoholic father who puts beer before them.

YABU and need to get help.

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:24

So you have a history of drinking to excess?
You turned up (at her place) drunk and had a row (with kids there?)
You want to have a couple of pints before visiting your kids?
You want to drink in DC's room?

You have a problem with alcohol. If you were my ex the message would be get sober or get lost.

You're either an alcohol or a disgrace.

Why do you constantly drink around your children?

Why on earth would you turn up "worse for wear" hmm to spend time with your children?

Sort yourself out. You are completely wrong.

AllDirections Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:51

YABVVVVU

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:56:26

Kids were in bed they didn't see the row.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 22:56:36

Well it is as bad as she says and you are a complete arsehole if you cant see that getting worse for wear and then turning up to see your kids is ok.

BTW, functioning alcoholics can hold down jobs but they dont usually remain functioning for long, so make the most of that job while you have it. I should know, I used to be one.

crumblepie Thu 13-Jun-13 22:57:17

do you realise how many times you use the word drink in your post , think you know yabu , just dont have a drink on the day you see your kids , no big deal is it , or is it ?

Bloody phone!

*you're either an alcoholic or a disgrace of a parent

And actually, the two aren't mutually exclusive. But for alcoholism you can get help. I'm not sure you can get help for just being a twat.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 22:57:59

Kids were in bed they didn't see the row.

Well unless they are deaf, I am sure that they heard it.

You may not like it but your behaviour IS impacting on them.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 22:58:09

Someone needs to be in control, because you clearly arent.

ChaoticTranquility Thu 13-Jun-13 22:58:49

What's more important the alcohol or seeing your kids?

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 22:59:04

Sorry that should have been "if you cant see that getting worse for wear and then turning up to see your kids ISNT ok"

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:59:23

Thing is I had a really stressful day yesterday so had a couple of pints at lunchtime. HOURS before I saw dc and she still moaned about that. You're all saying the same thing but I promise you I am fine when I see my dc, it's all about what MIGHT happen with her.

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 13-Jun-13 22:59:51

God this just reminds me how much I hate drunks. Get help OP. That's all.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:01:08

Seeing my kids obviously, but I do not get pissed round them, just have a couple say with lunch or if I am with my family eg a BBQ or something.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:01:10

Also, I think that the reason your ex is kicking off now is because she came to see your behaviour as normal when she was living with your excessive drinking day in and day out. Its only now you have gone that she has realised that actually, most people dont drink 10 cans of lager a night, or need to drink in bed, or get plastered and think its ok to have access with their kids in that state.

The point is, she quit drinking because the kids were more important to her. You didnt, because they are not more important to you.

You're a drunk.

Get help or leave her to parent properly.

Your children deserve better than you.

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 13-Jun-13 23:01:51

And stop making excuses for your drinking. Your family are big drinkers. So? You have a responsible job. So? You had a stressful day. So? Any excuse to turn to the alcohol isn't it. Read back what you're writing and then come and tell us you don't need help.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 23:01:52

which is more important to you, your kids or having a drink?

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 23:02:04

Be careful about using others as bench marks op, like your family etc. They may all have a problem with alcohol?

Find for some honesty with yourself, before you're a non functioning alcoholic.

The hardest part is admitting it, it's an age old cliche but very true.

Binkybix Thu 13-Jun-13 23:02:37

I used to go out with an alcoholic and he honestly thought his behaviour was fine and normal when everyone else thought he was being an idiot because he'd drunk.

Stressful day requiring a few pints at lunchtime raises a bit of a red flag to me....

wharrgarbl Thu 13-Jun-13 23:02:38

Why do you reach for alcohol when you're stressed? You know it doesn't help, and by the sound of things, it's been a pretty frequent resort that hasn't done you any favours.
YABVU.
Your children heard the argument, even if they didn't see it.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:02:38

You drank at lunch, in the middle of work day?

Sorry, HOW exactly have you managed to keep your job?! Do you know the type of person who needs a lunchtime drink in order to make it through a stressful day?

answers on a postcard please.........

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:03:07

She says that too bogeyface that drinking is more important than my kids. She's wrong though.

Nanny0gg Thu 13-Jun-13 23:03:35

You've asked the question.You've had the answer.
You don't like it so you argue with it.

But your ex is right. If your children matter to you then I suggest you listen to her (and MN).

Stop making excuses and stop drinking.

wharrgarbl Thu 13-Jun-13 23:03:49

So stop drinking then.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 23:03:52

is she wrong? I see nothing in your posts that shows you love your kids, just that you love your drink...

Binkybix Thu 13-Jun-13 23:04:16

* because he was drunk and acting like an idiot, but did not realise it.

Undertone Thu 13-Jun-13 23:04:33

It's about boundaries - and the fact you have not adjusted yours to be a responsible parent. You can be perfectly fine after 6-9 units around adults, but you need to raise your game to be 'fine' around kids.

It sounds like alcohol has been a destructive force in your life before, and your ex W wants to keep that force away from her kids.

Her reaction is controlling yes - trying to control the risk of damage caused by alcohol. She is protecting your kids from you. Must feel pretty shit put like that, huh?

nenevomito Thu 13-Jun-13 23:04:48

You are being unreasonable.

If you can't manage to go a couple of days without a drink, or you can't put your children before having a drink then you have a problem.

If you think that bedding down at night in your DCs bedroom with a drink is normal then you have a problem.

I had hoped this was bullshit, but the more you write, the more you sound like a genuine alcoholic.

She's not being controlling or making trouble. She's trying to protect your children from you being a drunk.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:05:23

Incidentally, there are women on MN who have major, major health issues and who spend their days in pain, on medication to control that pain AND taking care of their children with the same or worse illnesses or disabilities. Their husbands got to work all day and then come home and take care of the whole family, they do all the housework, comfort their wives, cook dinner, feed and bath the children before bed.......

These people have stressful lives. They dont have a couple of pints at lunchtime.

ByTheWishingWell Thu 13-Jun-13 23:06:40

She obviously isn't wrong if you can't go for a couple of days a week without drinking in order to see your children sober.

If you didn't have a problem with alcohol, you would have no problem at all in complying with her (very reasonable) request. Please visit your doctor for some help- it's easier for you to fix this situation now than a few months and a few more drunken rows down the line when you've lost access to your children.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:07:04

But she isnt wrong is she? If she was then you wouldnt drink when you are seeing them. You wouldnt be on here trying to get us to say she is being unreasonable, you would be saying "OK, fair point, I will not drink at all on the days I am seeing the kids".

The fact that you cant say that means that you are dependent on alcohol and would rather lose your children than lose the next drink.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:07:34

I am not sure any of you realise how difficult ex W can be. She always has something to moan about, doesn't speak to half her family. I just feel like this is just something else for her to nag me about.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:08:47

I could not drink when I see them but I didn't see why she should get to decide that, when there's not even a problem anyway.

ChaoticTranquility Thu 13-Jun-13 23:08:48

If your kids are more important, as you say, then don't drink on the days that you see them. It really is as simple as that.

Binkybix Thu 13-Jun-13 23:09:14

Even assuming that's true, why not just not drink on the days you see your DCs?

nenevomito Thu 13-Jun-13 23:09:18

A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear...

You weren't a bit worse for wear. You were drunk, weren't you?

You really can't see that she's protecting your children from you, can you? Stop blaming her. You have a drink problem.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:09:29

I think you'll find that we understand her very well. And we understand you too.

You are an alcoholic. She can see that and so can we, and so eventually, will your children. The only one who cant see it is you.

ByTheWishingWell Thu 13-Jun-13 23:09:43

It doesn't make a difference how 'difficult' she is. You should be perfectly capable of not drinking before you visit your children. They are different issues.

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 23:09:58

Alcoholism can creep up on you, it happens all the time. Op it does sound like you have a problem.

I do think saying… you obviously don't live your kids..... is unhelpful though.

I'm sure you do live your kids, and some of the time I'm sure you are fine to be around them after a couple, but not all the time obviously, hence the drunken row.

Your ex realized this better than you do, please think about this from her perspective.

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 23:10:38

If drinking wasn't more important than your kids you wouldn't drink when you see them. I bet they love smelling that boozy daddy smell and wondering if you'll fly off the handle.
Drinking at lunch? Hmmm.
I had a stressful day today. I watched some some TV, phoned a friend and had a coffee. I didn't hit the booze.
How many days a week do you spend sober? Completely stone cold not even half a lager sober?
Oh and do you drive? I hope in the name of all that's holy you aren't on the roads after a couple because you think you aren't drunk.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:10:40

So you are saying that you will continue to get drunk when you see your children on a principle?

If that wasnt such a sad excuse for an alcoholic caning it, it would be bloody hilarious!

Dawndonna Thu 13-Jun-13 23:11:17

You are using every excuse you can to defend your behaviour - "she is controlling". " the kids don't see it" "I had a bad day"
You are justifying your drinking, the sure fire sign of an alcoholic. You will lose your children if this continues. I strongly suggest you seek out some professional help because you and your addiction are unreasonable.
As for " it's all about what might happen, she is absolutely 100% right and you should consider yourself damned lucky you have someone in your life prepared to stand up to you and prevent you from hurting yourself or more importantly your children.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 23:11:19

are you pissed now while you are posting this? or just dumb as fuck?

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 23:12:00

And you say there's not a problem? Earlier you said you were concerned about your drinking.

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 23:12:52

Live = love obviously.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:13:01

She made me move out of the bedroom when we had our second dc. Said she didn't want a newborn smelling alcohol in there. It honestly wasn't as bad as she made out and that was the beginning of the end, it all went wrong from there. It seems you all think she's right, well all I can say is you don't KNOW her!

kungfupannda Thu 13-Jun-13 23:13:24

Oh come on. You can't really have such a spectacular lack of insight into your situation?

You drink in your children's room while they're asleep. You can't deal with not drinking when you're going to be seeing them.

Either you are so deep in the grips of an alcohol problem that you've lost all sense of what is normal and appropriate, or you're a selfish twat who just doesn't care.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:14:00

I never fly off the handle with my dc wolfie.

cantreachmytoes Thu 13-Jun-13 23:14:02

YABVU.

If your wife asked you to not eat cornflakes around your kids, or on the day you saw them, you might think she was nuts and unreasonable, but I bet you could do it, especially if it was that or possibly lose contact. Right? I mean, who would eat a bowl if Kellog's if it meant they might not see their own kids?

If its such a big deal to give something up twice a week, then it sounds like there's a problem.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 23:14:02

we dont know you either... but so far, there is nothing you have said that puts her in any sort of bad light. She sounds like a responsible mother, you sound like a selfish irresponsible idiot.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 23:14:28

It obviously is a problem.

Look, I can see it in the way you're describing your drinking.

You say your drinking used to be 'quite' excessive. By my reckoning, if you were drinking somewhere in the middle of the range you estimate, you were drinking getting on for 20 units a night, four times a week.

That isn't 'quite' excessive, that's seriously high levels.

I'm not judging; you were young; lots of us have been there. But you've got to look at how you express that: it's telling.

Now you say things like 'a bit the worse for wear' (=drunk) or you mention 'two or three' pints (you can't remember? You don't think it matters? It does). And you keep saying 'a couple'. You think she's wrong to object to 'even a couple' - ie, an quantity that would make you incapable of driving, and would impair your ability to look after your kids if you were alone.

I am not picking on the language to be nasty - you probably feel as if it's not telling at all. But it is actually very, very classic alcoholic-speak. You're minimizing what you're doing. You're changing your mind over whether it's two pints that is acceptable, or three.

Frankly, when I'm reading this, I suspect in reality you are drinking more than you even realize you are drinking, and you are assuming the rest of us think two pints is totally normal. But two pints at lunchtime when you're working really isn't normal. Turning up drunk to see your kids really isn't normal.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:14:52

Look I know I drink too much, I know that but it does NOT affect my dc.

nenevomito Thu 13-Jun-13 23:15:02

Well you have two options here.

1. Don't drink on the days when you are going to see the children and don't drink when you have the children. Continue to see your children.
2. Put drink before your children.

What is it?

reelingintheyears Thu 13-Jun-13 23:15:26

No,you shouldn't be kipping in with your DC when you've been drinking,at the very least you will be making the room stink of beer.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Thu 13-Jun-13 23:15:26

So if the drink doesn't matter and it's not a problem and she's over exaggerating... Why don't you prove her wrong and just, well, stop it?

But I bet you can come up with a thousand excuses as to why you can continue to drink and in your head keep the moral high ground... You being able to do this, this means you have a problem.

Doesn't matter how stressed you are, how nasty she is / unreasonable you think she is... What matters is you are putting yourself and your love of alcohol above your children. It's your choice to make.

I hope you can turn your drinking around, before your kids get anymore affected.

Oldraver Thu 13-Jun-13 23:15:57

Ok to be blunt

You have lost your wife due to your drinking..

Do you also want to loose your children ?

Because that is what will happen if you continue to drink around them

ImagineJL Thu 13-Jun-13 23:16:07

OP, you have a drink problem, and like many alcoholics you don't see it. You're not unique in this respect. You're just like millions of other alcoholics.

And you do care more about alcohol than you do about your kids, because alcohol rules your life. It grabs you when you've had a stressful day (sorry I mean morning, as you can't manage a whole stressful day, you have to have a few units at lunch time to get through), it destroyed your marriage, and now it's taking your kids away. And until you accept that you are not in control, things will never get better.

I suggest that if you want to read Mumsnet, you have a look at the Brave Babes thread in Relationships.

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 23:16:27

Drinking with a newborn about? (In the bed with you?)
Are you ever actually sober? And I repeat... Do you drive?

kungfupannda Thu 13-Jun-13 23:16:41

Well, it does affect your DC, doesn't it?

Because you're not going to be allowed to see them if you can't stop drinking on those days.

And your ex will have the full support of the authorities if she chooses to use the courts to enforce this.

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 23:16:42

Your family split up BECAUSE OF YOUR DRINKING. Come on now, you have a fucking drink problem.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 23:17:22

Basically, you are seeing yourself turning up at the house, and you imagine only you know that those 'two pints' were five. You think you're masking it really well, and you end up in a row (you don't even mention what the row was about - can you remember it clearly, or are you just aware there was a row?).

Everyone else sees a drunk man who is probably swaying, slurring, getting irrationally angry and forgetting what he's arguing about.

I accept this may be a leap and may not be what happened, but I can't help suspecting it is what happened. If it's not, it doesn't matter - but if you read this and feel a bit scared, and you feel as if the most important thing in the world is to deny it all ...then you probably do need to let what we are all saying sink in.

nenevomito Thu 13-Jun-13 23:17:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:18:17

No I do not drive. I was never allowed to be in the room from when dd was born, so no, no co sleeping with me in the bed. My ex W did though, but she does not drink.

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 23:19:11

You may not fly off the handle with your kids but you turn up pissed and row with your wife.
Child of a functioning alcoholic here. IT AFFECTS THE KIDS!
Stop whining about your wife. Don't drink round your kids or leave them alone.
Do you drive?

kungfupannda Thu 13-Jun-13 23:19:13

I'm trying to imagine what it must be like to have to ban your partner from the bedroom when you have a newborn baby, because he won't stop drinking so much that the room stinks of booze.

And he is convinced that you are being unreasonable.

Get help, OP. I deal with non-functioning alcoholics on a regular basis through work. It's not a pretty sight.

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 23:19:46

Sorry x post.

You're an alcoholic.

You don't deserve them.

You will somehow, some way, fuck up their lives.

Stop fucking drinking. GET HELP.

ImagineJL Thu 13-Jun-13 23:21:57

And I have to take issue with your statement that your drinking doesn't affect your kids. What a ridiculous thing to say. Of course it affects your kids. Everything a parents does affects them, influences them, guides them, shows them what's "normal", teaches them, shows them a role-model and so on. Like so many alcoholics you are in total denial. I feel very sorry for your kids, but at least their mother has some protective instincts even if you don't.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Thu 13-Jun-13 23:23:27

Look I know I drink too much, I know that but it does NOT affect my dc

I wonder what your children's opinions will be on that when they are adults.

Why did you bother to ask if you are going to ignore everything that is said to you?

You Are putting alcohol above your children.
It WILL be affecting them.

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 13-Jun-13 23:23:29

You say we don't know her? But we do you see - because she is all of us. She doesn't want a stinking shambling drunk around her children. She wants to protect them from that. She wants YOU to be sober enough to safely enjoy your children and for them to enjoy you. We all want and mostly get that. You can't and won't provide that for her. Therefore you are an alcoholic and a loser. Seems simple enough to me.

nenevomito Thu 13-Jun-13 23:23:37

You lost your relationship because of your drinking.
It now looks like you will lose time with your children because of your drinking.
For goodness sake, do something before you lose your children for good, then your job, then your home, then your friends, then any last trace of dignity you have, all because having a drink is more important than anything else.

ImagineJL Thu 13-Jun-13 23:26:10

I still think this must be a reverse AIBU because surely no-one can be this stupid, and keep coming back to defend their stupidity.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:26:44

Well she says she is going to change the contact arrangements to stipulate that I cannot have them if I have been drinking and I have to agree that I won't drink while with them. I will of course agree to this but it's just the usual control and threats from her when I won't toe the line.

petra27 Thu 13-Jun-13 23:27:01

What motive did you have in writing this post?

Your know your ex wife uses the site.

It seems to me you are secretly trying to tell her off.

Comments about her relationship with other members of her family etc are not helpful.

As she has divorced you this is really absolutely none of your business.

In her own home now she can make whatever conditions she likes on those entering. It is up to you to decide whether you want to honour those conditions or not.

From an outsiders POV it would be a real shame to lose touch with your own children because you are unable to put them before drink.

Have you ever been shown the list of questions AA put together to help someone decide if you are an alcoholic click here.

You might find it interesting....

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 23:27:24

It does seem odd imagine

Undertone Thu 13-Jun-13 23:27:45

Look he's not listening to a fucking word we're saying. Can't be arsed room be honest.

Wylye Thu 13-Jun-13 23:28:15

I understand that it's difficult to see if from your Ex's perspective, but reread this thread as if it were talking about a friend, not you.

She really isn't 'controlling' you, she is giving you choices.

Choice 1: Stop drinking before and when with your children, awake or asleep.
Result: Continue to see your children regularly in their home. Have a calmer less stressed Ex who may start to rebuild her trust in you, and will make an effort to continue the amicable relationship.

Choice 2: Continue as you are.
Result: Antagonise Ex, lose amicable relationship re access and visits to the home. Upset children. Entirely lose trust of Ex and DC. Possibility of losing contact with DC.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:28:21

No I am not defending it. But it was miserable being married to her and that's why my drinking got out of hand, like I said none of you know her. Will think about all that's been said.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 23:29:23

it was probably quite miserable for her being married to you too...

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:29:37

I've done that list a 100 times. I know I have a problem but it DOESN'T affect my kids.

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 13-Jun-13 23:29:39

Oh now it's your wife's fault? Heavens! Is it EVER going to be your fault? You need to own it sunshine or you'll never get anywhere.

ImagineJL Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:26

Sadly I think it will surprise you to learn than you are unable to fulfil her requirements for seeing your kids. Have you ever gone a full 24 hours without alcohol? I suspect not. I think she's being very reasonable actually. If you were my ex you wouldn't see the kids until you'd got some help with your addiction.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:31

How can it not have affected your DC's if it cost you your marriage?! How will they feel in years to come learning that you and their mother split up because you cared more about drinking than being a proper family???

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:45

I've finished my glass of iced water. I'm off to sleep now. Tomorrow I may (or may not) have A glass of wine in the evening as it is Friday. I haven't had a drink all week and couldn't care less one way or the other.

That's a healthy relationship with alcohol. Yours is beyond screwed. Just as your relationship with your kids (never mind the ex) will be if you don't admit the problem, get some help and stop drinking.

I hope you care enough about your kids to do that. If not you know not to bother then when the liver failure kicks in.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:54

sad

Is there anything we can say to make you see her point? No one has agreed with you. You want to drink in the same room as your DC as they sleep. Why? Why do you want to do that?

Surely the fact no one agrees with you is a sign you could be, you know, wrong?

Oh and my dad is a recovered alcoholic. The years in my childhood when he drank like you were horrible. Luckily he realised he loved mum and us and quit. Sober for 20 years now.

Children do suffer from having a parent who drinks as much as you. Of course she didn't let you co-sleep when you'd been drinking!

You're in massive denial. You've lost your wife to booze and blame her, please don't lose your kids too. You realise she could get supervised access based on what you've posted? Surely that's not what you want.

Undertone Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:59

No one makes you drink. You lift the glass. You could have found a coping strategy using yoga or something. But you didn't. Man the fuck up.

Never your fault, is it?

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 23:31:36

Erm ... you started out saying you both used to drink a lot, and she knew you were like that when she got together with you ... but she now doesn't drink and you claim you're drinking less.

Doesn't really fit with your claim now that it's her fault you started drinking more, does it?

I do, sadly, know there are people whose heads are as far in the sand with alcoholism as the OP seems to be, and if he is, maybe some of this will sink in in the end, but I can't help hoping he's lying and knows he's lying, so I don't have to think what a horrible life his poor ex wife has had.

ElsieOops Thu 13-Jun-13 23:31:59

I suggest AA. You admit you have a problem. It most definitely will be affecting your kids.

Dawndonna Thu 13-Jun-13 23:32:01

I would not allow contact if you had been drinking either. it doesn't affect the kids bur due to your drinking, you do not live with them. sorry but as a functioning alcoholic it does affect your kids.
Your ex has every right to be controlling over this you are being a complete wanker. Not one person has said you are in the right, and yet you have not backed down. Says it all IMO.

nenevomito Thu 13-Jun-13 23:33:35

Oh, well if your drinking was out of hand because of how it was living with her, it stopped or cut right down when you split up, right?

Right?

Cut down so much that you don't turn up to see your children drunk. Right?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Thu 13-Jun-13 23:35:24

I know I have a problem but it DOESN'T affect my kids.

So say you and every other parent with a drink/drug problem. And it is complete and utter bollocks.

BlatantRedhead Thu 13-Jun-13 23:35:26

I ended it with my DP over exactly this issue. He has cleaned up his act and we've got back together but only after he decided I was more important than being able to have 'a few cans' every day.

If drinking is so important to you that you've allowed you're marriage to end because of it then you have a problem. Get help.

You've lost your wife already, it WILL lead to you losing your children if you keep going this way. GET HELP.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:35:46

Ok I see its not reasonable to drink in the same room as dc sleeping. I get that. But I don't see the problem with a few drinks when out for the day with them. I am not affected by it and because of that see why I should not be able too just because she says so. I am pretty sure you'll all disagree with that though.

TheSecondComing Thu 13-Jun-13 23:36:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiredmumno1 Thu 13-Jun-13 23:37:03

I agree with what dawn just said, you are not exactly listening to anyone, and you still think you are in the right.

You actually need to take a long hard look at yourself. NO we don't know her, however even if she was a controlling nag in other ways, I wouldn't class this as controlling. It's actually about the safety and wellbeing of your children.

I think you should have respect for the mother of your children, who just wants to keep them safe. What part of that do you really not understand?

5madthings Thu 13-Jun-13 23:37:12

I think you are incredibly naive or blind if you really think it doesn't affect your kids,'kids aren't stupid they notice a LOT...bit you just keep telling yourself that it doesn't affect them...delude yourself as you obviously don't care.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Thu 13-Jun-13 23:37:33

But the problem is it isn't just her who will say so. So would a court.

Are they wrong too? confused

Glad you see drinking in DC room isn't on though. smile

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:38:12

Your drinking got out of hand before you had your first child. She packed it in, you didnt.

You couldnt have been that miserable if you went on to have another child with her and are happy to sleep over in her house and have an amicable relationship with her.

Its excuses. All excuses.

It comes down to this.

SHE IS RIGHT. YOU ARE WRONG.

5madthings Thu 13-Jun-13 23:38:41

spoisitme there is another thread on mnet about a mother who is an alcoholic and her dd, I suggest you read it, maybe out will be a wake up call, but I doubt it.

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 23:39:40

Are you going someone will say......yes you're right, why shouldn't you drink every day? kids or not, it's only a couple.

no one is going you say that.

CalamityGin Thu 13-Jun-13 23:40:03

once a month and you can't lay off the booze - c'mon you know YABU

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 23:40:35

hoping not going....poxy kindle.

LastTangoInDevonshire Thu 13-Jun-13 23:40:44

I'm going to 'call' this one - either he/she is a troll, or is drunk, or is just.......well...........umm........

nenevomito Thu 13-Jun-13 23:41:16

But I don't see the problem with a few drinks when out for the day with them.

Why would you need to have a few drinks while out for the day with them? A few drinks when in charge of children is not good. If you can't manage a day out with your children without a few drinks, you have a problem.

What is a few anyway?

Definitely more that one. More than two (a couple) so we're talking 3 or more.

Is that 3 or more pints? Bottles? Shots? Cocktails? Whatever you can get your hands on?

Dawndonna Thu 13-Jun-13 23:41:40

You are an arse that doesn't deserve to take kids out for the day. Here you are not thinking about where to take them, what to do, but whether you can have a fucking drink. Yeah go for it. Nobody understands,do they. ?your kids deserve a better man than you.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 13-Jun-13 23:41:57

She made me move out of the bedroom when we had our second dc. Said she didn't want a newborn smelling alcohol in there.

Well I'm with her on that one.

YabVVVu, and I think you're in denial about knowing you have a problem but that it doesn't affect your kids. Your wife can see it affects them, but you call her 'controlling.'

I can't remember where I read it, but there was an alcoholic father who used to say just the same things as you - how he'd 'have a couple' at a bbq etc, but it didn't affect the kids. His wife actually videoed him at one of the children's birthday's and played it back to him when he was sober.

He said that his memories were of him being a fun dad all day, having a great time with the kids, having a laugh. But he had to admit that the video showed a scary, out of control, drunk dad. And frightened children. He said he couldn't believe the looks on the faces of his children.

I believe he got help and stopped drinking. You should too.

ElsieOops Thu 13-Jun-13 23:41:58

But I don't see the problem with a few drinks when out for the day with them. I am not affected by it

Why do you need to drink alcohol whilst spending time with your kids?

You may think you are unaffected by it, but sober people around you would probably disagree.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:43:39

Hang on! Why on earth would you want a few drinks when out for the day with your children? where do you take them?!

When I take my kids out we go to the park, feed the ducks, have an ice cream and "sneaky" McDonalds on the way home (that we pretend we didnt have when Grandma asks as she pretends to hate it). You know, fun silly stuff, its nice.

At no point was "a few pints" on the intinerary. The fact that you factor into your access time shows you have an issue, surely you can see that?!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Thu 13-Jun-13 23:43:47

You don't drive after those few drinks on a day out with the kids do you?

BOF Thu 13-Jun-13 23:44:02

You are an alcoholic if you aren't just making this up to provoke people. You are not safe around children while drinking.

You sound just like my exH, was worried there for a minute but as we most definitely do not have an amicable relationship I knew that you couldn't be him.

I have been advised by a solicitor to stop unsupervised contact unless he agrees to not drink for 12 hours prior to contact and for the whole duration that they are in his care, he has chosen supervised contact for probably 2 hours a week (if they are lucky) yet it is all my fault!

The most important people here are the DC and if staying sober for a few hours is what is best for them then you need to suck it up I'm afraid.

By the way my exH walked out nearly 3 years ago and if it wasn't for me pushing him to have a relationship with our DC the youngest wouldn't even know who he is. I am most definitely not a bitter exW trying to make his life difficult because I am jealous!

Wylye Thu 13-Jun-13 23:44:34

In reply to that last one:

If you drink more than the current drink-drive limit, your judgement is deemed to be impaired.
Why the HELL would you happily incapacitate yourself when you are taking care of your children??

You say it has no effect on you - YOU have no idea. You are the drinker, and will be completely unaware. That is why there are legal limits in regard to driving, all drink drivers think they're fine to drive.
(I understand you don't actually drive, I'm purely trying to explain what seems so very obvious to the rest of us.)

You need to be sober when you're with your children. It's for their safety, and their enjoyment of their time with you. Don't be such a crap dad.

ElsieOops Thu 13-Jun-13 23:45:18

As LastTango suggested - this is probably not the best time of day to have a conversation with a person who has a drink problem.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:45:44

If you are not affected by it then why do you drink it?

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 23:46:29

I've already said I don't drive.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 23:48:49

Why dont you drive? Was that a choice you made or was that choice taken away from you?

What was the reason that your wife told you that she left you, and by that I mean what happened to make her finally say "Enough"?

MrsGSR Thu 13-Jun-13 23:49:26

If your care about your kids you'll be sober when you see them. End of. There is no room for leeway in your situation.

Tiredmumno1 Thu 13-Jun-13 23:50:24

Regardless of whether you drive or not, the response won't change.

But you don't want help or advice, you just want to try and belittle your ex, well it's not working.

And you still can't admit you've got a problem, even though going just by what you have said, we can all see you have a problem. Maybe read the replies when you haven't had a drink.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Thu 13-Jun-13 23:50:35

Can you acknowledge that if you don't stop she will take you to court and win?

Doesn't that frighten you?

Wylye Thu 13-Jun-13 23:50:37

Yes....I know...I said that.... You have had a few this evening I assume? Your reading ability appears to be impaired.....but you'd be fine to go see your kids now too by your standards. hmm

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 13-Jun-13 23:52:17

You are being so obtuse that I too am beginning to have my doubts.

B00Radley Thu 13-Jun-13 23:52:19

There are several issues here - but mostly about You!

My o/h can drink 3,pints &!be sober Tbh , also u drinknshen staying OVERNIGHT, but was is interesting is you know she has a problem with u drinking alcohol so ...

1 - what unresolved issues have you with Mum , clearly you want to spend time with her
2- why push Mum's buttons ? Attention
3- have you asked your children what they want ?
4- what is you - high paid job
3-

ImagineJL Thu 13-Jun-13 23:53:08

This can't be real. Reverse AIBU or troll. No-one is this stupid. Or I guess it could be real and OP is just plastered now. But not many spelling mistakes for that. Who knows.

TheSecondComing Thu 13-Jun-13 23:54:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MalcolmTuckersMum Thu 13-Jun-13 23:56:14

Thank the Almighty Boo has turned up. Just when I thought that the OP was the stupidest person on the planet!

"No I am not defending it. But it was miserable being married to her and that's why my drinking got out of hand, like I said none of you know her. Will think about all that's been said."

Soisitmeorher - this is classic alcoholic reasoning - 'I drink because - I had a stressful morning/she was making my life miserable' etc etc. You, and ONLY YOU are responsible for your reactions to stress/unhappiness etc. At best, you are dependent on alcohol, at worst you are an alcoholic - and I am speaking as the wife of someone with an alcohol problem whose drinking nearly broke up our marriage - and who has been sober for over 6 years now.

"But I don't see the problem with a few drinks when out for the day with them. I am not affected by it and because of that see why I should not be able too just because she says so. I am pretty sure you'll all disagree with that though."

Yes, I am going to disagree. Someone who has had a few drinks is not allowed to drive a car, because their judgement is impaired, as are their reaction times. The same applies to being responsible for children - if you have had a few drinks, you probably do think that you are acting perfectly safely, sensibly and with good judgement - but your judgement is impaired by the alcohol, so you are not in a fit state to make that judgement, and you are wrong. Studies have been done that have shown the effect of even fairly small amounts of alcohol on people's reaction times and judgement - and they all thought they were fine too, until they were shown how much they were impaired by the alcohol.

My dses are 16, 18 and nearly 20, but if dh is away from home, I would not even consider having a drink in the evening (I drink very rarely anyhow) nor do I take my over-the-counter sleeping tablets, or any medicine that might make me drowsy, because if anything happened in the night, and I was not able to make the right decisions quickly enough, or couldn't drive one of the boys to the hospital because I was impaired by alcohol or medication, I would never forgive myself.

Plus, do you want your children to grow up and have alcohol problems? If they grow up around a man who thinks it is normal and acceptable to drink during the day, whilst out and about with children, they could follow your lead.

Or they might grow up thinking, 'Dad can only bear to spend time with us if he is pissed' - is that what you want?

ImagineJL - I think my exH would be this stupid! He drinks upwards of 5 pints a day and starts anytime after lunch and he would still spout the same arguments as the op.

His mum told me that before he changed his job he was really lovely, kind and very helpful but now he is always really grumpy and angry. Yep that might be the dropping from 20 pints a day to 5 as he doesn't have easy access to free alcohol anymore!

He obviously doesn't have a problem though and I am just a stupid jealous retard supposedly.

Tiredmumno1 Thu 13-Jun-13 23:59:08

On that note I'm off to bed.

OP I actually hope that if your attitude and behaviour doesn't change then your ex stops contact. Then maybe it'll give you the kick up the backside that you need.

For the sake of your children just think about them for once and not your bloody self.

PareyMortas Fri 14-Jun-13 00:02:22

If I told you that my husband wasn't happy with me eating chocolate around my children, that it had brought about a split in our relationship and that he'd asked me to cut down. If I did t then I'd risk not seeing my dc's you'd wonder why I didn't just stop eating chocolate.

That's what we're all thinking. You obviously don't want to give up, you're choosing booze over your children.

CharlieBlanche Fri 14-Jun-13 00:03:20

We don't know her of course. All we know is what you've told us.

Your words, your spin on the situation.

What does it tell you that the entire thread is unified on this?

Your ex-wife may be horrible to you, I'll never know. But in this case, from what you've told us she is right.

She gets no pleasure from having to tell her children's father he can't see his children unless he's sober. This isn't fun for her, it isn't one upmanship. It's humiliating and mortifying and scarey.

It's nearly Father's Day. Be a good Father. Go talk this through with someone in RL who will help you. Get help. Please. Your kids are worth it.

Bogeyface Fri 14-Jun-13 00:04:04

Nice to see that Boo has turned up to prove that having a drink doesnt impair ones cognitive abilities.

Inertia Fri 14-Jun-13 00:04:21

"Since then she has changed the rules".

No, since then she has had her eyes opened to exactly how dangerous you are. Driving or not, you shouldn't be drunk in charge of the children.

Since then she has realised that you are not willing to make any effort at all to put your children ahead of alcohol, and she's trying to keep the children safe.

wharrgarbl Fri 14-Jun-13 00:07:03

Look I know I drink too much, I know that but it does NOT affect my dc.

What bullshit. Yes, it does.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 14-Jun-13 00:10:57

Yabu.

A parents job is to protect their children even if they have to protect them from the other parent. She's not being controlling she's doing her job you just don't like it because you are lacking in an ability to understand your behaviour and its impact on your children.

If you were my children's father and showed the same attitude you would not get within 100 meters of the children.

I have a friend who is an alcoholic prior to her stopping drinking (4 years ago) social services used to regularly have her three children living with either her mother or me. She was whats known as a functioning alcoholic so no big dramas or anything like that held down a good job and lifestyle but she couldn't understand why the drinking was a bad thing,the only reason she got her kids back was because of the support she and they had and her making changes that removed alcohol from her life.

but it's just the usual control and threats from her when I won't toe the line

No it's fucking not, it's her keeping her children safe because their dad's a twatty drunk!!!

Bogeyface Fri 14-Jun-13 00:15:02

On the upside OP, I think you might have broken the MN record for the biggest unanimous AIBU response in the shortest time smile

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Fri 14-Jun-13 01:21:17

Oh dear, I feel alot of pity for you, genuinely, am not taking the piss. I feel really sorry for you, because from what you've written here, your story will be a tragic one.

You are writing your own sad ending and the only questions are how much you'll fill your children's lives with pain, and how long it will take you to come to your tragic ending.

Whatever you think about your ex, can't you see that there are an awful lot of excuses and blaming and reasons and explaining and justifications going on? I'm afraid to say, anything that is causing this much need to explain and excuse... And has driven you on to this site to get opinions, well, don't you think it's a bit odd for something that is 'no problem' to be causing all these problems? Well, there is a reason isn't there? And it's the drinking.

I know you'd rather do anything than face up to this, but I think you're not going to be happy, be content, be a good dad, until you face up to the problem. please don't do this to yourself and your children. They should be the centre of your world... Not drinking ...

bragmatic Fri 14-Jun-13 01:33:35

YANBU.

Just kidding. You really are.

I worked for years in addictions and rehab. I think it is likely you are a troll because I can smell bullshit before the bull can but if not... If the alcohol doesn't affect you, don't drink it, it will make no difference to you. If it affects you then it affects your DC. It makes you happier, calmer, easier better... all this is a lie. What it makes you is emotionally absent. You are currently emotionally unavailable to your children. This will affect them.

You don't need to drink and drive, you don't need to hit or abuse their mother in front of them (although the 'nasty' argument will affect her mood and therefore them) you just have to drink even though their DM would rather you didn't. Drink even though you know you have a problem. Drink even when you know, deep down, that it affects them and harms them.

Oscalito Fri 14-Jun-13 01:56:04

I don't think it's 'controlling' to ban a drunk - sorry 'a bit worse for wear' ex husband from your own home. Drunks are bores, she doesn't have to put up with it anymore.

charitymum Fri 14-Jun-13 02:07:09

You are an alcoholic.
It is affecting your kids.
It is your responsibility.
Get help.

Thesunalwayshinesontv Fri 14-Jun-13 02:11:08

You know you are being unreasonable.

You know your wife is justified in taking the stance she has. Dare I say it, you probably think she is right.

You are using the "she's being controlling" excuse to give yourself something, anything, to clutch onto. Something to keep some semblance of a life that will allow you to keep drinking, but also not separate you from your children.

You need to take responsibility and make your choice: drink or children. It may not feel that simple, but it really is. Seriously, it really, really is.

Tough road ahead, whatever happens. May as well pick the path that doesn't end up in sure-fire misery.

KatOD Fri 14-Jun-13 07:18:48

Just a thought... If you are SO convinced it's all about your ex being controlling, why not try to prove it... Lay off the booze for a few months and see whether she still has a problem, and whether you have the same relationship with your kids. I sincerely doubt it, but you may prove us all wrong. I suspect the relationship with your ex will improve and you'll enjoy the time with your kids more...

At the moment you just sound like a petulant kid putting their hands over their ears shouting "la la la can't hear you".

PoppyAmex Fri 14-Jun-13 07:22:29

"You're all saying the same thing but I promise you I am fine when I see my dc, it's all about what MIGHT happen with her."

OP, that's part of responsible parenting - it's called risk assessment and it's what keeps our children safe.

Shutupanddrive Fri 14-Jun-13 07:24:22

What KatOD said
And yes YABU!!!

Jengnr Fri 14-Jun-13 07:25:32

It sounds like you're pretty far in denial at the moment, which is powerful and frightening. I think the fog is slightly lifting for you and hope it continues.

Here's a thought, if your ex wife drive you to drink and you're not with her anymore why a you still doing it?

RedHelenB Fri 14-Jun-13 07:45:01

Jeard of - you may lose the battle but can win the war? Choose the issues that are REALLY important that you say your ex is controlling about. Drink isn't one of them! And if you think it is then you need to go to AA or the equivalent for help immediately.

Plain enough for you?

Tabliope Fri 14-Jun-13 07:47:01

She's grown up. You haven't.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 14-Jun-13 08:00:16

Perhaps it would be helpful to read the stories of posters (including myself) Who have said having parents who drink did negatively effect their childhoods/adult relationships with parents?

JollyGolightly Fri 14-Jun-13 08:12:23

Although I think you are a troll, I am going to point out that in England and Wales it is an offence to be drunk in charge of a child under the age of 7, in a public place, because it's information that others might find useful.

ENormaSnob Fri 14-Jun-13 08:30:48

Yabu

Get some help.

Dackyduddles Fri 14-Jun-13 08:36:13

Yabu plainly ur functioning alcoholic. Time to do AA mate. Something u said or did pushed her to this behaviour. Sort it.

imademarion Fri 14-Jun-13 08:50:51

Look I know I drink too much, I know that but it does NOT affect my dc.

You delusional drunk.

Like most drunks, I imagine you dribble on in a maudlin way about how much you love your kids, how much they mean to you..

You love the booze more.

They'll grow up hating you, pitying you and having the same contempt for you as you modelled for them every single time you chose drinking over their needs.

If you are a troll, well done on upsetting me and a great number of other posters struggling to function as children of alcoholics, even decades on.

I need to hide this thread because you disgust and frighten me and I feel so very sorry for your children.

And so very happy that your wife is protecting them as they deserve.

luckymamaoffour Fri 14-Jun-13 09:23:50

I feel so very sorry for your children. Please get help for their sake. They need you.

No sign of HQ yet?

I wonder has anyone reported for possible trolling.

Soisitmeorher Fri 14-Jun-13 10:08:15

I am NOT a troll. As far as I am aware "trolling" is for spiteful incendiary purposes is it not? This is how things are for me at the moment, its not trying to upset or provoke anyone and I posted here at ex W's suggestion. I can see why as you all seem to agree with her.

Wylye Fri 14-Jun-13 10:16:04

May I point out that MN is not a place where all women agree with each other regardless - the reason everyone on this thread is in agreement is because you have relayed your facts and we all see you as being in the wrong.

We're not agreeing with your wife as she hasn't posted and given her interpretation of your behaviour, we're disagreeing with you.

You're not upsetting anyone.

You're irritating the fuck out of me! But I tend to react like that to selfish alcoholics anyway.

We are all agreeing with her BECAUSE SHE IS RIGHT!

I said this last night, but I will say it again - if you have had 'a few drinks' whilst out with your children, you are impaired. Your reaction times will be slower, and your judgement will be affected.

Of course you don't think you are affected by the booze - but you are.

I spoke of experiments last night - in these, people were given measured amounts of alcohol then asked to drive a simulator and see how the alcohol affected their driving and their perception of risk. Even when they thought they were doing fine, were totally unaffected, the test proved that they were affected - they missed potential hazards, exceeded the speed limit and all in all, their driving standards dropped.

When you are out with your children you are responsible for their safety and you can't do that properly if you are impaired by drink.

What if one of your kids runs out in the road, and you don't react fast enough to grab them back, because of the alcohol, and they are hit by a car? Could you live with that?

Do you want your kids to grow up thinking, 'Dad can only bear to spend time with us if he is pissed'? Or do you want your problem drinking (because it IS problem drinking - you can't manage without a drink when taking your kids out, make excuses for your drinking, blame everyone but yourself for your drinking and would choose drink over your children - that is an alcohol problem) to affect them and lead to them having drinking problems??

LieweHeksie Fri 14-Jun-13 10:22:18

Would I let someone drink in my DC's bedroom? No
Would I let someone with a history of alcohol problems drink in my house? No
Would I let someone with a history of drinking too much drink while looking after my children? No

Hope that helps.

Binkybix Fri 14-Jun-13 10:22:54

I believe you're not a troll because you sound so like my alcoholic ex it's untrue.

We are not disagreeing with you because you are a man. It's because we have a different perspective to you on this situation, because we look at it from the outside with no vested interest.

My ex genuinely thought he was behaving normally when drunk and that it had no impact on anyone else. Can you consider that you might be the same, and that you may, in fact, be having an impact on your children?

Flicktheswitch Fri 14-Jun-13 10:25:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparechange Fri 14-Jun-13 10:27:47

Just another take on why you are wrong when you say your drinking doesn't effect your children...
When you are drinking too much, you are stressing your ex wife out. When she is stressed out, she will be acting differently around them, whether that is being snappy, more protective, less likely to let them spend time with you.
But she will be acting other than 'her usual self' and your DCs WILL pick up on that, and they WILL quickly notice the pattern between you turning up (pissed) and mum being stressed and not as nice. And they WILL blame you for that.

And to echo what others have said, you have a drinking problem.
It doesn't matter that your colleagues/friends/family also drink a lot.
Comparing yourself to them doesn't detract from your problem, much like if you are 5 stone overweight, pointing to other people who are 6 stone overweight won't make you any less likely to have a heart attack.

And on that note, you might also want to have a think about the health impacts of your drinking. Aside from your behaviour and the impact that has on your DCs, you are limiting your life by drinking so heavily.
I'm sure your DCs don't want to see you dying of alcohol-related diseases any more than your wife wants to see you turning up hammered.

Yabu, your wife left you because you drank excessively, she now doesn't want you around the kids drunk-quite rightly so.
You need to start putting your children first by getting the help you need, instead of focusing on who's fault the marriage breakup was.

Soisitmeorher Fri 14-Jun-13 10:33:02

To be clear, I don't automatically drink round my kids. Most times I don't but I think I should be able to have a couple without her blowing it up into a big deal. That's all. I rarely drink round them. It's her constantly going on about it that's the problem. And when we watch a DVD together, which she has stopped now by the way, the kids are in bed. She doesn't want me to drink AT ALL and is making it a problem when it isn't one.

To all the other posters on this thread - am I right in saying that if it were a woman posting this, who used to drink to excess, and her ex-husband was insisting she didn't drink in the kids' bedroom, didn't visit them when she was the worse for wear, and didn't drink around them, we would be saying exactly the same thing to her that we are saying to Soisitmeorher?

Soisitmeorher - if you are looking after the children, and have a couple of drinks, your judgement WILL be impaired, and you ARE putting them at risk. That is why your ex is making these demands. And she is absolutely right to do so.

LondonMan Fri 14-Jun-13 10:36:26

I might have one beer in a pub/restaurant maybe once a year, and free wine with a meal in my holiday hotel, but that's about it.

I had a colleague who was a bit miffed that someone thought that drinking a bottle of wine every night was excessive. He thought that was perfectly normal, his mother did it.

I don't understand why drinking seems to be regarded as a necessary part of life in the UK. For example, I'm thinking of the reaction when politicians tried to set a minimum price, and they're told they're punishing responsible drinkers. Or female newspaper columnists telling public health advisors to feck off with their limits.

Your life needn't be any less happy if you don't drink.

If someone told me I could never have another drink, I would feel the same as if they had told me I could never again eat marmalade. It wouldn't cross my mind that this was any sort of hardship.

Wylye Fri 14-Jun-13 10:42:07

SDT Yes. Absolutely. Altho I would probably be a bit sexist and even more shocked that a woman was behaving like that, as I have only experienced the fallout of men's alcohol dependency.

OP - if it is a problem to her, then it's a problem. The fact that you don't see it as a problem is irrelevant. You're in her home, and they are her children too. She is well within her rights.

TheVermiciousKnid Fri 14-Jun-13 10:42:39

A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument

What exactly happened during this 'nasty argument'? It will probably shed a lot of light on why she has finally had enough.

Oh, and what everybody else said...

peeriebear Fri 14-Jun-13 10:43:10

Soisit... There are thousands of women- and men- on this site. They range from very young to very old, they live all over the world, they follow all different religions and political parties, some have ten children, some have none.
AND NONE OF THEM THINK YOU ARE RIGHT.
Not one of these diverse people from all over the UK and the world, thinks you have a point.
How can you not see that you are wrong?

Soisitmeorher Fri 14-Jun-13 10:45:14

So do NONE of you have a couple of pints or glasses of wine round your kids then? Because I find that very hard to believe.

I am going to work now and will have a look back later.

I have posted before about telling my exH that unless he didn't drink he couldn't have unsupervised access and was asked how I would feel if somebody told me I couldn't drink and here everyone is saying op is in the wrong (which I agree with). No wonder my head is all over the place! sad

You're back peddling.

Now you rarely drink around them? Please!

And yes, we'd be saying the same thing to a woman. This is not about gender or us bring on her side. This is about innocent children who will be messed up by their alcoholic parent.

peeriebear Fri 14-Jun-13 10:51:38

Yes, some of us no doubt do. But we are talking about your situation- you have a drink problem, your exW has watched you get drunk as a matter of course for years, and now she is putting her foot down so it doesn't affect your children any more than it has (and if you think they are utterly unaware you are very naive).

MrsGSR Fri 14-Jun-13 10:52:17

soisitmeorher everyone else's situation is irrelevant. You have a drinking problem. Until you sort it out YOU shouldn't drink at all around your children. Stop making excuses and become a father.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 14-Jun-13 10:53:06

How is not a problem when you admit to drinking in the kids room and showing up drunk? confused

I know it's easy to just say 'well of course you all disagree, I'm a man on a mainly female dominated website' But you have dodged all the questions and come up with frankly ridiculous excuses.

What matters more: Drink, or supervised/no access to your children? I don't know if you realise it, but her allowing you to come over and watch telly/a DVD, sleep in your DC's room isn't the norm. You have it lucky... Why risk losing your children for booze?

Because if you did as I suggested and read the painful stories of alcoholic parents, you will lose them. Via court in which you can justify your drinking and blame your ex, or by them growing up to hate you. Which is what always happens. I'm so happy my dad stopped drinking. Even at six I dreaded him coming home. Imagine if he'd kept drinking? Read the things people are saying about parents who are boozehounds.

They don't want them in their life.

You're also frightening your kids. How is it none of this matters to you and all you can see is 'GOD my ex is a controlling cunt.'

You will - not perhaps - will lose everything if you continue down this path.

I don't know why I bothered to type this as I assume you're thinking that your ex advised you to post here and you 'knew' the silly women would be hysterical.

But we're talking about when we were kids. With 'fathers' (I use the term loosely) like you

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 14-Jun-13 10:57:24

LondonMan Fri 14-Jun-13 10:36:26
I might have one beer in a pub/restaurant maybe once a year, and free wine with a meal in my holiday hotel, but that's about it.

I had a colleague who was a bit miffed that someone thought that drinking a bottle of wine every night was excessive. He thought that was perfectly normal, his mother did it.

I don't understand why drinking seems to be regarded as a necessary part of life in the UK. For example, I'm thinking of the reaction when politicians tried to set a minimum price, and they're told they're punishing responsible drinkers. Or female newspaper columnists telling public health advisors to feck off with their limits.

Your life needn't be any less happy if you don't drink.

If someone told me I could never have another drink, I would feel the same as if they had told me I could never again eat marmalade. It wouldn't cross my mind that this was any sort of hardship.

^ Note the user name. A man disagrees with you too. Not just women, which is what I strongly suspect you were thinking. Thank you for posting LondonMan and showing that alcoholism is gender neutral and people who truly love their children would give up beer, wine, cheese, marmalade...ANYTHING for their kids.

So OP, the brutal truth is booze matters more than your kids. Even worse, it matters more than their happiness.

cory Fri 14-Jun-13 10:59:06

The problem is that what the drinker perceives and what the people around him perceive are two totally separate things.

You will see yourself as unaffected by the pints you've had, as totally in control, as not showing your drink.

Chances are, other people will see something totally different- and those other people will include your children.

They will notice when you've had a few pints, while they are little they will be scared and puzzled, as they get older they will be embarrassed and ashamed.

Nobody on here believes you are an ordinary moderate drinker who has the occasional glass of wine? Why? Because your posts are those of an alcoholic.

Ordinary two-glasses-of-wine-with-their-dinner people don't speak of having to drink at lunchtime because they've had a stressful day. They don't think they have to drink if a partner has upset them or annoyed them. They make conscious adult decisions about when to drink and not to drink and they don't blame other people for those decisions.

You basically keep telling us that you have no control over your drinking: when your wife was nasty to you you had to drink, if you've had a bad day at work you have to drink.

I don't insist on my dh being teetotal. But I would let anyone who had to drink alcohol whenever he got upset anywhere near my children.

waterlego Fri 14-Jun-13 11:00:41

Sois I occasionally drink alcohol when I'm with my children, but only in specific types of situation: e.g. at a wedding or going out for dinner. These types of occasion are very infrequent, and in both cases, either my husband or me would be driving, and whoever was driving wouldn't drink at all, while the other party might have two or three drinks of beer or cider (impaired enough to not be in sole charge of the children, whilst not being outrageously drunk).

Other than that, I never drink at home, and any drinking I do (once or twice a month) is most usually when I am out with my husband without our children.

Wylye Fri 14-Jun-13 11:03:47

I don't, no, but I'm not a drinker, due to having an alcoholic stepparent (who still doesn't think he has a drinking problem 10 years after my mum divorced him).

DH has a glass of wine in the evening once or twice a week, and may have a beer if we're out at the weekend for lunch.

Your tone is changing btw, now you say you rarely drink around your kids, whereas you started by saying you usually have had a few pints.
And that line in the OP where you say "even if I'm fine" suggests you've been around them when you're not 'fine'.

I'm glad you have seen sense about drinking in your DCs bedroom, that's a start.

waterlego Fri 14-Jun-13 11:04:40

SpecialAgent I would have to think long and hard about it if someone asked me to give up cheese for my children. wink

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 14-Jun-13 11:10:10

Well water if I had to choose between DC and chips with gravy...

Bye bye DTs. grinwink

quoteunquote Fri 14-Jun-13 11:11:31

try this as an experiment,

Print off this thread,

Don't have any alcohol whatsoever for the next four years,

then have a review, have a good look at your life after four years without a single drop,

then re read the print out,

I think you will then have all the answers,

and everyone in your life, including yourself will be far happier.

If not you can always start again, but at least you will have an informed view,

It sounds like alcohol doesn't suit you, try a new look.

Wylye Fri 14-Jun-13 11:15:22

OP - how does your Ex know you've had a couple of pints before you arrive?
Assuming she doesn't have you under 24/7 surveillance it's safe to assume she can tell when you've been drinking by your behaviour.
And if you say "She asks so I tell her" well why the hell would she ask unless you were behaving in a way that concerned her??
Therefore you clearly ARE affected by the amounts you drink. Otherwise she would be none the wiser and we would not be having this little chat. hmm

The way you describe your current drinking is pretty hard to take even in an otherwise happy marriage - you are no longer with your Ex, you don't live at the house, and you have a drinking problem. There is no reason on earth why she has to put up with this, and it is very unfair and downright rude of you to inflict it on both her and the kids. Please treat them with a bit more respect.

TheBigJessie Fri 14-Jun-13 11:17:34

What other people have said. I'd love to call him a troll, but I could imagine my alcoholic mother writing something very similar on the internet after I forbid her entrance to the house. Every word is patent alcohol dependency.

soisitmeorher

Read this thread when you're sober.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 14-Jun-13 11:18:27

Wylye

OH, OH! I know the answer to this one! Waves hand frantically in the air

Because he's accidentally openly admitted he's an aggressive drunk? He's inadvertently posted that he doesn't drive due to the amount he drinks? Because he drinks in his kid's room?

No wait. The correct answer is the ex is a suspicious, controlling bint, right?

Soisitmeorher - I don't drink if I am solely responsible for the children. I do have the occasional drink around them - a glass of wine with a meal, that sort of thing, and as they have got older, we have let them have a drink at home too.

I have never, ever been so drunk I have been hungover the next day. I've never drunk to the point of incapability or vomiting.

As others have said, you seem to be backpedalling as fast as you can. The very clear impression given by your earlier posts is of someone who drinks regularly and often. You used to drink in your childrens' bedroom. You turned up to see them whilst drunk. You could see nothing wrong with drinking whilst solely responsible for them. Now you rarely drink. hmm I am afraid I am inclined to believe your earlier picture as being the honest one - your later posts smack of changing your story because you haven't got the response you needed here.

It all comes down to this - which is more important - alcohol/your 'right' to have a drink before seeing your kids or, worse, when solely responsible for them, or your children??

Do you accept that it is irresponsible and potentially dangerous to drink when you are solely responsible for your childrens' safety?

Wylye Fri 14-Jun-13 11:22:47

Gold star for Special grin

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 14-Jun-13 11:24:53

Sticks star proudly on chest in support of the clearly unreasonable ex

LisaMed Fri 14-Jun-13 13:53:17

Someone in the house is always sober. Ds is six, so needs to have at least one person around who is on the ball. tbh I don't think he has ever seen me drink and has only once or twice seen his dad with a lager shandy. This is not a problem for us. Even on Christmas Day one of us is always, always sober.

OP - genuinely trying to be helpful - look at some of the bunfights on here. We do not agree. It is unheard of for this amount of agreement.
- see if you can get in touch with Snorbs or pick up on their posts. IIRC they are male but had a wife with issues around alcohol. They may be able to give an insight from a male perspective that you can find helpful
- don't give your ex any ammunition, stay sober around the kids. If what you say is true then you won't have a problem. What other areas is your ex controlling? The wise ones on the Relationships board may be able to help with those and they have reached out to men in the past.

Trust me, staying sober is nothing compared to some hoops that other posters have had to jump through to see their kids. Hope it all works out.

WeAllHaveWings Fri 14-Jun-13 14:45:16

when dh and I first got together his dad was a functioning alcoholic like you

he held down a very highly paid and responsible job (director in a large national British firm) and money focussed mil everyone knew he had problems with alcohol but never challenged it.

dh and his brothers where raised knowing alcohol was more important to their dad than they were. and money was more important to their mother. Their self esteem was low (we are less important to our parents than alcohol or money) and their relationship with their father (and others) suffered.

alcoholics do not stay functioning for ever. dh's dad eventually, after many years, got asked to leave his job quietly with a big payoff - he thought the other directors were mad to think his alcohol intake was causing problems.

He tried to go self employed, and invested heavily in a franchise, but with less structure drank a bit more and the business failed - he never accepted drink caused the problem.

Mil left him for being an alcoholic with no money. He died alone, from alcohol related heath reasons, at 58 in a crappy rented flat in a big city and no-one found his body for 3 weeks (family were used to not hearing from him for periods of time).

Please try to stop making excuses, your drinking has probably already lost you your marriage, it will be your job and kids next. Accept and resolve your issues with alcohol, so you can be a good dad. It is making you think it doesn't affect your kids. I can guarantee you it does.

If your ex-w is reading this - well done for doing the best thing for your dc flowers

bobbywash Fri 14-Jun-13 14:47:46

As you're going to read this later, you should be aware that I also think that the behaviour you described in your earlier posts is wrong. I don't care what your exW thinks, you're wrong.

It's that simple, no drinking in the kids room. No going for a couple of pints whilst your in charge of them. No coming to pick them up the worse for wear.

I do drink around my kids, but usually because we're out for dinner together or we're in the pub, but then they are old enough to drink for themselves. When they were younger, yes I had alcohol when they were around, but I never insisted about my right to have a drink. If my ex had said don't then I wouldn't, as indeed would have happened the other way round.

Still as my average weekly intake was about 3 units, (it's now at about 5), it was never an issue.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Fri 14-Jun-13 15:16:25

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius i totally agree this has nothing to do with gender. I would be replying exactly the same whether you were a man or a woman.

Although if this was a parent living with the children or with sole parental responsibility, I'd also be saying that you cannot be responsible for your children, and are social services involved?

Whatever excuses and blame you are using, its clear from your own posts on here that you have a problem with alcohol, not just a problem with your ex wife.

I'm truly sorry you can't see that.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 14-Jun-13 15:23:08

People with drinking problems should stop drinking if they want to not have the problem.

You clearly have a problem and if you were a woman mumsnet would be harsher to you because for some reason women are usually much harsher towards other women than they are to men.

PearlyWhites Fri 14-Jun-13 15:24:17

This has got bd a reverse aibu

Mia4 Fri 14-Jun-13 16:24:05

Try taking this test OP: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/tests/l/blquiz_alcohol.htm

Also try considering that we are all saying YABU from your words, not your ex-wife's, we are also neutral and have no part in your relationship.

Saying your wife was a nightmare, fine she may have been but from your own words she's taken responsibility and stopped drinking while you are refusing to accept responsibility and blatantly in denial. She may be controlling in other ways, now, but it seems like she has your children's best interests at heart, rather then malice

Perhaps you should see a counsellor and get another neutral POV though tbh with you in denial it doesn't matter who says what you'll always get defensive and/or ignore

Triumphoveradversity Fri 14-Jun-13 16:33:02

This may not be a reverse because alcoholics are often in denial. My stepfather was an alcoholic and died at 49. I was perfectly okay with this because he made our lives a bloody misery.

I can see why you lost your marriage.

ThistleDown Fri 14-Jun-13 16:47:48

OP my Dad was just like you. A functioning alcoholic he did manage to hide the extent of his problems from me for many years. When I was 21 he told me he had joined AA and for a while he stuck to it, he attended lots of meetings and tried really hard. However, he eventually fell back off the wagon and became worse than ever. He stopped being a functioning alcoholic and became a non functioning alcoholic. He ended up being a carer for my Gran which he resented and which made him drink even more.

Eventually he went to his GP and a liver function test revealed that his liver was giving up. He was given a year to live. Soon after he was told this he disappeared. For 3 weeks I had no idea where he was until one day the phone rang. He'd overdosed on Paracetamol and was in hospital. His liver couldn't handle the paracetamol and he went into a coma. For the next week I watched him die. He was 45.

Please think of your children. Do not let the drink kill you too.

foreverondiet Fri 14-Jun-13 17:54:40

Sorry I think YABVVU.

She is only asking you not to drink in front of your kids. Sounds like you have an alcohol problem - its cost you your marriage and now its threatening your relationship with your kids. I wouldn't allow anyone to be in contact with my kids if they'd been drinking, other than say a glass of wine or so over dinner.

She is not controlling, you however are an alcoholic and need help.

re: your job - do you insist on drinking at work too?

trackies Fri 14-Jun-13 18:23:50

My DH had a dad with drink problem. He said when he was a child, even when FIL had only one or two he could tell as his voice would change. He said he hated his drinking. Here are some of the feelings he felt as a DC due to the drinking:-
angry, hurt, scared, sad, and more.

He then went onto being a heavy drinker himself, but since having kids he NEVER drinks infront of them, as he knows how it made him feel, and doesn't want his kids to feel like this. FIL still maintains that he was a 'good drunk'. Whilst DH insists that he wasn't and that it was awful.

We also have a friend who drinks all day. He doesn't look drunk just merry, but he can't do without it (all day drinking). He has a baby and can't soothe her probably cos he stinks of booze. He has very responsible, high earning job but can't see what's wrong with having a 'couple'.

My DM was also like this, saying that she just needed it for 'energy' and she 'wasn't really that bad compared to ......'. Really ? at 2pm in the afternoon you need a drink ? i don't think so ! But she's stopped (after years) as she finally realised that she wants to be around for her DG's foras long as possible. You know how i felt whilst this was going on :-
angry, hurt, scared, sad and more.

Please do something about this, as if you can't NOT have a couple of drinks when seeing your child, then you have a problem.
Don't ruin your life and your child's relationship with you, for the sake of alcohol. It's not worth it.

If you still really think you dont have a problem, then look at a few alcohol addiction websites to see if you're coming out with those excuses.

NicknameIncomplete Fri 14-Jun-13 18:50:26

I dont understand this.

You want to see your kids and spend time with your kids you dont drink or turn up after having a few drinks.

Isnt it that simple?

OfficialSweetieMonitor Fri 14-Jun-13 19:19:57

I used to drink too much. I've been drunk in charge of a baby. Convinced myself it wasn't that much, everybody did it - all the usual excuses.

Luckily I saw sense, and have worked hard to control my drinking. But it really is hard to admit it. There are other people who have been in the same situation as you. You can get help with this and it is not a weakness, but you have to want to change first.

You have asked the question but don't like what people are telling you. What's the point in asking if you aren't willing to listen to what people are saying?

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Yes, you are a drunk.

Yes, your wife has every right because she worries/cares about her children.

She should've said what she is saying all along though, not just recently.

trackies Fri 14-Jun-13 19:53:36

"So do NONE of you have a couple of pints or glasses of wine round your kids then?"

I personally don't do this, but I have seen a parent doing this at a street BBQ and he said "god i've been dying for a beer" whilst he was setting up, before BBQ had even started. He then proceeded to have quite a few, with DC's who were 3yo and 2yo wandering around on the street.

Would never sleep in room with kid, even if i've had one drink cos it stinks, and it's not nice for the child. Not just the smell but cos sometimes they associate that smell with daddy might get silly, and i dont like it when he's silly like that, and there might be a fight with mum.

As for your ex-W. Ok lets just say for a min that she might be controlling generally and a PITA. We don't really know her.
But you CHOSE to drink excessively. It is always a choice of the person to drink or not to drink. Blaming it on her is just denying that you have any control over your addiction.
I guess what i'm trying to say OP is that please do not use a power struggle with your ex-W to try to justify that your drinking is not a problem for your kids.
It is a problem. You say you have a family that drinks alot. This is because kids are more likely to become alcoholics if they are surrounded by them when growing up.
You know you have a problem with drinking, then deal with it.
Not because your ex-W has told to you to. But do it for your kids.

trackies Fri 14-Jun-13 20:00:05

OfficialSweetieMonitor absolutely agree with "you have to want to change first."

There are over 200 hundred messages on here saying that you need to sort this out, not because we want to control you, but because you need help and some of us have been on the receiving end of alcohol addiction.
Please at least have a good think about it OP.

WeAppearToBeAlright Fri 14-Jun-13 20:43:53

I have been both on the receiving end and a heavy drinker myself - and yes, the two probably are linked, as they may well be for your children.

My father was mostly a genial drinker, but geniality in itself was so unusual that we were both on high alert for when the next sentence would return to normal grumpiness - so nice or nasty drinker is irrelevant, it's the changeability in behaviour that makes children anxious about what will happen next, or how long it will last.

For myself - I would have agreed with you a few years ago. Why the hell shouldn't I drink what I want when I want it? I don't hurt anyone. I'm not a risk. I'm doing ok. And it was true - in my eyes. What I didn't realise - genuinely didn't get - was that not everyone, not even a minority of people drank like I did. And I didn't drink anything like you do. I was only 'ok' because I was used to it, not because it was in any way or shape normal. And I wasn't actually ok. I can't begin to tell you how much happier, relaxed, cheerful and generally capable I have been since I stopped all that. Mostly actual chemistry happening in the brain, with neurotransmitters and all that palaver, but also a little bit of genuine self-respect. I like being alive now. I like having a life to live, instead of just blunting it all, day after day after day after day.

And I never even knew I was missing all that, I thought what I had was all there was. Which is where you're strenuously arguing to stay.

HarumScarum Fri 14-Jun-13 20:53:00

I drink in front of my daughter, yes. I have a glass of wine with my dinner maybe twice a week, I have a glass or two of wine at a barbecue or lunch party or in a restaurant when we eat out, I have a glass of wine on holiday in the sunshine at lunchtime. I bet, though, the difference between you and me, OP, is that I have one or two glasses and then I stop, and you have that one or two and then think 'well, why not have a couple more?' and then it turns into more than a couple. And regardless of whether or not you think it is affecting you, it is. And your ex and children will and do notice and they are suffering from it. Drunks are no fun to be around, even when they think they are sober. I am absolutely aghast that a separated dad whose contact with his children is at stake would turn up 'the worse for wear' to see them.

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