Aibu about changing childrens names

(58 Posts)
Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 17:13:10

I had my ds1 at 18 after being with his dad for 2 years. He left when ds1 was 6 months old and basically slept his way thro the nurses at the hospital he worked at. I met my h and went on to have ds2,3 and 4. He finally settled down with a woman who had a ds from a previous relationship and went on to have dd2,3 and 4.
I found out today that they have changed the step sons surname to my ex's. now I understand why as then they will all have the same name, however a few years ago my ds1 wanted to name change to my surname and be the same as his brothers. His df said no and went mental, it has never been brought up since.
Personally I find this unfair on my ds, he sees him when my ds wants to see him and since the age of 4 has been brought up by my h, who has given him everything, his df hasn't!
Aibu to be pissed off about this?

Bakingtins Thu 13-Jun-13 17:25:00

what did the stepson's father think of the change of name? It seems a bit hypocritical of your ex, but perhaps if his son still wants your new surname now is the time to raise it again?

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 17:31:48

He obviously agrees with it. I wouldn't mind so much if they had come and told me their plans, we don't have a bad relationships. With anything major in the family new baby, wedding. I told him out of respect for our son. It seems that it was wasted on him!
I might bring it up with ds and see what he says

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 18:24:50

Your ex obviously wants all kids to have his name. Some kind of territorial male wanting a harem and kids with different women thing.

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

exoticfruits Thu 13-Jun-13 18:40:09

I would just ask DS for his views.

I don't see why ALL women should keep their surnames and give them to their children because a few men are irresponsible.
I changed my name- and even if I had kept it I would have wanted DCs to have DH's name.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 19:10:02

I would like to point out, I don't give a shit what ds name is, tbh if he wanted to change it to purple- wrinkle bottom it's his choice!

exoticfruits Thu 13-Jun-13 19:14:28

I was replying to samandi- who seems to be telling us all what we should do. We are all individuals- one size will never fit all.

RedHelenB Thu 13-Jun-13 19:15:35

Maybe he's adopted ss? Maybe Ss's mum doesn't know who the father is?

NotYoMomma Thu 13-Jun-13 19:37:12

Maybe the ss father just didnt care enough to contest it

Unfortunatley yours did and if he sees him then he can do that.

Your ds can change his name when he is older

Bowlersarm Thu 13-Jun-13 19:40:47

I have no interest in keeping my original surname samandi.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 19:43:15

OK, OK ... I'll amend ... would ALL women that might at some point split with the dad of their kid and if so would want their kid to have their name please give the kid their name in the first place.

Heartbrokenmum73 Thu 13-Jun-13 19:47:25

But who has a child with someone thinking 'I'll give this child MY surname because we might split at some point'? Don't most people have children together see themselves staying together? What a strange viewpoint Samandi.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 19:49:11

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

Why in earth would I choose to keep the name of a father that walked out on me when I was 18 months old?? I couldn't wait to get rid of it and change it to my DH's who I actually have a modicum of love and respect for.

Plenty of women walk out on their kids too...

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 19:49:31

You still can't say that. He left me with a 6 month old baby. I didn't get with anyone until he was 4 and that is my h.
In hindsight he was a knob, and yes I should have given him my maiden name but as I was young and stupid I gave him his name as I thought we were gonna stay together.
Her ds had her h name he left her and hasn't paid a penny not has seen him since the day he was born

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 19:54:23

But who has a child with someone thinking 'I'll give this child MY surname because we might split at some point'? Don't most people have children together see themselves staying together? What a strange viewpoint Samandi

I'd say it was a fairly realistic viewpoint.

Fact: Many relationships break up.
Fact: Many men/women leave their partners.

Too many people go into relationships with rose-tinted glasses. I wish I could just shake some sense into them but instead I have to content myself with sitting behind the computer shaking my head incredulously.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 19:55:47

*Why in earth would I choose to keep the name of a father that walked out on me when I was 18 months old?? I couldn't wait to get rid of it and change it to my DH's who I actually have a modicum of love and respect for.

Plenty of women walk out on their kids too...*

I mean KEEP YOUR OWN NAME in the first place. Unless you don't mind not having the same name as your own kid/keeping a man's name who has walked out on you etc.

Heartbrokenmum73 I did... I'm a forward thinker. I was right too wink

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:07:14

samandi by 'my own name' do you mean my maiden name?

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:12:29

WineNot - I mean a woman's surname that she has had since birth (unless it has been changed somewhere along the way). You don't get a "maiden name" until you are married and change your name.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:16:33

Ok, didnt realise we were playing that game.

The name I had at birth was acquired from a bloke who abandoned me and my mother when I was a toddler.

So, I'll stick with my married name, cheers.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:17:38

OP - YANBU, by the way and if your DS still wants to change his name, you should re-approach your ex.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:21:12

Ok, didnt realise we were playing that game.

What game? confused

The name I had at birth was acquired from a bloke who abandoned me and my mother when I was a toddler.

And did you like growing up with that name? Or would you have preferred your mother's name? (Presuming that she wasn't also abandoned as a baby and her mother took the dad's name ...)

So, I'll stick with my married name, cheers.

Okey dokey. Hopefully your husband won't abandon you with a daughter that has his name ...

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:21:51

Well done SingingSilver :-)

SimplyRedHead Thu 13-Jun-13 20:23:36

Samandi - a woman's name from birth is normally her father's name - another man's name!

Also does the word 'surname' indicate ownership and male dominance?

Just saying!

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 20:24:35

Samandi, that's harsh.

HollyBerryBush Thu 13-Jun-13 20:25:35

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too

No thank you - I've managed to get married, establish a home, then have children, have a decent father/husband, retain the same man, father of my children - I fail to see why I should disadvantage my children and balk at our cultural traditions to assuage those who are less selective in their sperm acquisition.

>slate me<

Jengnr Thu 13-Jun-13 20:26:28

He can be known as your surname and change it officially when he's 18.

Do that.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:26:46

Samandi - a woman's name from birth is normally her father's name - another man's name!

Ah, that old chestnut.

The point - which seems to utterly escape so many people - is that it is your name. So what if it is a man's name, any more than if it is a woman's name? confused Honestly, the supposed logic of this argument baffles me completely. It's so absurd.

Tooearlyintheday Thu 13-Jun-13 20:28:02

There are men who are the residential parent of their children post-separation too, samandi. Should they not have a say in what their DCs surname is or is it all about the Mother's wants and feelings?

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:28:52

Also does the word 'surname' indicate ownership and male dominance?

Um, does it?

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:30:04

Hardhaton - I don't mean to be harsh at all! Just trying to point out that these things do happen. I really wish they didn't!

Jengnr Thu 13-Jun-13 20:30:04

Why would it disadvantage your children Holly? confused

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:30:56

What game?

The pedant's game

Would I have preferred my mother's name

But we're not talking about my mother keeping her name. We're talking about me keeping mine.

Okey dokey. Hopefully your husband won't abandon you with a daughter that has his name ...

Doubtful, since we can't have kids, but thanks anyway.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:32:02

The point - which seems to utterly escape so many people - is that it is your name. So what if it is a man's name, any more than if it is a woman's name? Honestly, the supposed logic of this argument baffles me completely. It's so absurd.

So, it's ok to have a name given to me by my father, but not my husband, who I chose?

I really can't get my head round that argument...

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:36:10

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

What a sad outlook on life. I know the statistics but of all my close friends and family there are 3 divorces - 1: mother and father have equal custody and things are done in a mature way where they share responsibility (this is not easy as her dh walked out when dd3 was 3mo and a year later his new girlfriend gave birth but she puts her hatred of him aside for the dc) other 2: mums left dc with their dads on the other 2 occasions - so why would it be better if they had their mum's name?

I took dh's name not because I am a meek and pathetic woman but because I love him, married him and was happy to take on his family name. Our dc have his name and that's how I would always want it. If he did walk out and I was in the situation the OP writes about, I might consider giving dc a double barreled surname or possibly changing it but the comment above just annoyed me.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:41:52

No thank you - I've managed to get married, establish a home, then have children, have a decent father/husband, retain the same man, father of my children - I fail to see why I should disadvantage my children and balk at our cultural traditions to assuage those who are less selective in their sperm acquisition.

confused

Do you want a medal?

As for cultural traditions ... do you enjoy having your own financial independence, being able to go out at night unchaperoned, etc. etc. ... or do you balk at those cultural traditions?

The point is not to assuage others but to save yourself and your kid hassles down the line confused Another point that seems to have utterly passed some people by.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 20:41:54

That's my point I really don't give a rats arse what name ds has, my point was his df won't let him change his name ( ds is 12) but it willing to change his dp ds name.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:04

Just read male dominance bit. Oh my life, dh is going to love this - like he'd ever think he was dominant in our relationship. In fact most of the woman I know are the ones who steer their relationships in matters such as where the kids go to school, house to buy, where to go on holiday etc. Maybe I just know a lot of evil wives. I often tell dh he's hard done by having me but could never afford to divorce me as I do all the banking and he doesn't know/bother learning the log ins.

I think it's important to remember that some relationships are for keeps rather than assuming all will end prematurely.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:08

*Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

What a sad outlook on life.*

What, being bored of seeing these threads?

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 20:44:08

Samandi
So what about double barrelling surname
Mothers surname-father surname, would this solve the problems in ur eyes

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:44:28

*Would I have preferred my mother's name

But we're not talking about my mother keeping her name. We're talking about me keeping mine.*

And you're saying you don't want to keep yours because it belonged to a man than abandoned you!

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:46:05

*The point - which seems to utterly escape so many people - is that it is your name. So what if it is a man's name, any more than if it is a woman's name? Honestly, the supposed logic of this argument baffles me completely. It's so absurd.

So, it's ok to have a name given to me by my father, but not my husband, who I chose?*

Either one is ok. Just don't come on Mumsnet four years down the line and complain about you and your kid not having the same name/ex not giving permission to change kids name etc.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:05

*Samandi
So what about double barrelling surname
Mothers surname-father surname, would this solve the problems in ur eyes*

Hardhaton - Personally I think that is the best option. Obviously it's up to people what they do.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:22

Sorry OP, I agree that it's double standards and it would bug me, but maybe look at the positives - he seems like a jerk so at least you have a better dh now.

I think your son is allowed to have a "preferred" name at school so could use your surname in class etc but official stuff like exams etc would have to be in his legal name. That's what we do at our school which is a secondary and it's the child and 1 parent who authorises it but really it's the child, the parent just has to be in the loop. Maybe that would be a good compromise and help your son.

But, no longer can the mother put the father's name on the Birth Certificate, if they are not there (unless married), so some choose to give the child their father's surname.

In some areas there is probably a fair few cases of incest.

I think that the father's surname should be registered somewhere.

My middle DD went to school with her neice and didn't know until the last two years.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:57:48

Either one is ok. Just don't come on Mumsnet four years down the line and complain about you and your kid not having the same name/ex not giving permission to change kids name etc.

Pretty sure I've already covered off the reasons that that is not going to happen, but I see your point.

OP - your ex is being an arse

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:59:28

WineNot - sorry, didn't mean you personally.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:01:14

Winenot- yeah I know. It just bugs me. He's a grade A knob

Tooearlyintheday Thu 13-Jun-13 21:01:48

I think it entirely depends on whether or not the other little boy has an involved father. If the OPs ex is the boy's only "father" then it is not hypocritical for him to change his surname as it is a completely different scenario from that of the OPs DS.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 21:09:38

If he did walk out and I was in the situation the OP writes about, I might consider giving dc a double barreled surname or possibly changing it but the comment above just annoyed me.

I missed this.

I think the difficulty many women in this situation encounter - correct me if I'm wrong - is that PERMISSION is needed from the ex to change the kid's name. At this point it is TOO LATE to give the child the name you want to without permission from the father.

So saying you would change it if you were in the OP's position is just DAFT. The whole point of this thread - as I have taken it - is that she CAN'T just change his name!!

AmberSocks Thu 13-Jun-13 21:19:03

my kids all have my name,dh has his own surname.im not really why id di it in the first place but im glad i did tbh,unless you agree with the original reasons for changing yours and your kids names then i cant see why there is a reason for or against having the mothers name instead,for us it was just a personal choice.and i dont like his surname!

IneedAyoniNickname Thu 13-Jun-13 21:27:51

I wasn't married when I had my dss, but they have their dads name. We have since separated, so I will never have the same surname as them. Sometimes I wish I.did, but actually I'm their mum regardless of their name.

op Yanbu. My ex is in a new relationship with a woman with2 dc, plus they are expecting one together. My 2 have told me that after the wedding, her dc are changing their surnames, because it would be silly for them to have different names to everyone else in the house (assuming their dad aggrees that is) Now I can see the logic of this, BUT you can bet your bottom dollar that if I were to marry and want to change my dcs name, the ex would not allow it. Double standards, and wrong imo.

That said, I'd I do ever get married, I wouldn't change the dcs name, ad their dad is their dad.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 21:29:30

samandi I realise that which is why my next post says about the fact dc can have a preferred name at school without the father's consent. Not on legal documents etc but on the class register (the computer system we use in our county has space for legal surname and preferred surname). So he can't legally alter it but there are things he could do if he really wanted to feel part of the family in that way - might be an issue if they all go to the same school.

Also, speaking to the father about a double barrelled name might be more agreeable to him that losing his name entirely.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:34:24

I would need permission as he has access which he sticks too and he has always paid his csa. Therefore he plays an "active" role with his son.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:38:25

I intend to leave it until ds is old enough to change it himself. I never intended to change his name anyway, its just he asked to change it. In my opinion ds is old enough to understand his massive family, and everything that comes with 2 families. He's not unhappy he heathy and doing well at school. If he really pushed me on it I would bring it up again and sort it.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 21:40:48

The preferred name thing is more about child's wellbeing and what they want so permission isn't needed for that bit - in our county anyway.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:43:01

No permission is needed if they have had no contact for 5 yrs and the csa cannot find him in this period. Then it can be legally changed without knowledge

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 22:16:18

Thanks for clarifying that Hardhaton. BTW, YANBU to be annoyed.

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