To be annoyed at my SIL??(289 Posts)
I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.
DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.
I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!
I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??
Aw, it's difficult. Your sil could've handled it better (a text ffs) but I do think you're being a little bit unreasonable. A week old baby and a three week old baby are so different.
Is your mum close by? Is there any way she could help by inviting your mil to stay with her so she can visit in short bursts?
Congratulations by the way!
SIL should keep her beak out.
I can see why MIL feels snubbed/aggrieved whatever but there's a difference between your Mum & your MIL, as you say & if MIL would need to be there for a while.
How helpful would your husband be in terms of looking after his mum/keeping her out of the way if necessary/telling her to go home etc?
Its a difficult one. I can understand why your MIL might feel a bit upset that your mum has seen your DD and she hasn't. I wonder if a compromise might be better. She comes to visit for 1hr then DH takes her out for a bit e.g. for lunch whilst the baby naps and then she pops in for a short visit 30 mins before she leaves?
I think you are being slightly ur the baby is your husbands child too so his mum is no doubt really excited to see and welcome the baby. The sil should have maybe called instead of texting but I do think the baby's paternal grandmother should be allowed to come and see and welcome baby. She no doubt feels pushed out and I can't say I blame her.
I think it's been handed badly. But your daughter is not any more of a grandchild to your mum than to your mil. You have to treat each grandparent the same if they want to see the baby.
It's your child,totally up to you who you have visit but yes YABU
I think it would have easier to just let her visit you in the hospital like your mum did.
You have hurt your MIL feelings as the other GM you should at least try and treat her the same when it comes to seeing her grandchild.
Can SIL not bring her for a short visit?
Ignore them, see them when you feel better. They'll get over it if they want to actually have a relationship with you. Blame the hormones, recovery etc - no brainer.
"she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter."
So she should just show up at your house unannounced whenever she feels like it?
Why not just call your MIL and explain she is welcome to make the journey, but that she'll have to keep it short.
To say no to all visitors is absolutely fair enough.
Why didn't you allow your MIL to visit in hospital if your DM visited?
One rule for one side of the family and another for the other side is BU
Mmm the text was not good but I do think you were being UR to let one grandmother visit and keep the other away.
How long do you expect to stop your MIL seeing her new grandchild? Look at it that way.
I would text back and say that she is welcome to come between the hours of (insert time here) but can't stay at your flat and will have to go when asked.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Totally agree with TakingTheStairs
Your mil must feel really left out.
Ummmm I think you're being a little U.
Maybe you could have been more tactful in the way you told her to hold off for a while.
I can certainly see why she'd be a bit hurt knowing one grandmother was invited to visit whilst she was being told to stay away.
A woman who has just given birth has a perfect right to receive support from her own mother.
Without offering equal "access" to another woman she does not feel close to just because she is her husbands's mother.
Competitive grannying in the early days is such unkind bullshit.
I agree with Flicktheswitch, why doesn't your husband talk to his mother, explain how you are feeling and everyone come to an agreement? I understand that you don't want a long visit, I understand that having had my ILs plus SIL and DN descend on me post c section with twins for most of a day. Apparently it was nice for me to have lots of loving family around. I went to bed.
You cannot have your own Mum visiting but not your MIL, it is totally unfair. Regardless of whether you like her personally, she is a grandmother to your DD exactly the same as your Mum and you have to allow them equal access if they want it.
Having said that, your SIL shouldn't be interfering but I expect she is upset on her Mum's behalf.
AThing - I doubt the MIL is wanting to support the OP, I expect she just wants a cuddle with her new granddaughter.
You are entitled to choose who you want to visit... but I can see why MIL feels a bit put out. I think Chaz's suggestion is good, if you don't want MIL sitting round the house all day. Or just tell MIL she can come for an hour, and let her decide whether it's worth making a 5 hour round trip to do that.
Thing is you shouldn't be expected to be reasonable when you are recovering, hormonal etc.
It is not forever. People should be sympathetic. See her when you feel up to it.
I think I feel sad for your MIL and for you. She is really excited about her grandchild.
Sounds like your relationship is a little wobbly with her but you will probably have to address this in future years. Somehow having children seems to highlight issues.
I think you need to tell her when she can visit so then she knows and she can plan and look forward to it.
How is it competitive Grannying to want to see your GC?
I do think SIL was wrong-but MIL might not even know about that!
Yanbu. Your mum visited her daughter after surgery. Not necessarily as a grandmother. Don't feel pressured, and ask dh to support you in addressing his dsis bY and dm.
If she wants to come I think you have to let her. It isn't fair at all that she has to wait, whilst your mum has been allowed to visit.
I'd get DH to phone her and explain she is welcome to visit but will only be able to stay a short time. If she stays overnight somewhere, she could possibly also come for a short item the following day?
Make sure DH is there when she visits and if she does over stay her welcome, just take the baby upstairs and say you are both going for a sleep.
Totally agree with Flicktheswitch - if she is willing to trek across the country for 2.5 hours by public transport, the least you could do is let her see her new grandchild for an hour. It won't kill you and it would mean so much to her. YABVU and, frankly, selfish. I don't get the whole "no visitors until I say so". Fair enough to say you don't want people to visit overnight and require feeding and entertaining, but can't you (or your DH!!) make the poor woman a cup of tea and let her stay for an hour??
Thanks all. My mum visited because she is local and I felt comfortable being basically half naked, in pain and in hospital in front of her. My dad recently died and I wanted her to see DD ASAP as I think it's all that's really kept us going. It's her first grandchild. My MIL has a dozen grandchildren and I actually naively thought she wouldn't be that bothered which was obviously a mistake. She hasn't actually asked to visit soon- I learnt of her upset via SIL. I've previously heard her say that new families should be left to it in the early days so really didn't anticipate the upset!
SIL needs to leave it up to you, DH and MIL to sort out.
If you are not comfortable with her coming for a long visit, perhaps suggest that she could come for an hour (so that she's had exactly the same time as your mum and the MW for those keeping score) and then your DH could take her out for lunch (or all of you , if you feel up to it) before escorting her back to the station.
Much as I hate to say it, your SIL is correct and you are being unreasonable in letting MIL visit her grandchild.
I bet your MIL is really upset. Probably do you all good to have a little get together and a mutual PFB appreciation afternoon. You do sound a bit like the Queen here. You are not being emotionally blackmailed. You are being over precious and overthinking all of this.
You don't feel comfortable with her.
But you know her-is she likely to say/do anything to upset you?
Or is she a sensible woman who, although excited to see her GC, will be mindful of the fact that you are knackered, trying to bfeed & have had surgery?
You should treat them equally. I hated the whole dm is loads more important than mil bullshit.
Yabu, your husband just became a father and you wont let him mum meet your new baby? Wow, invite her round for cuddles, get into bed for an hour or two when she's there and let her meet her new granddaughter
"Why didn't you allow your MIL to visit in hospital if your DM visited?"
I dont agree with this. The relationship you have with your Mum is completely different. After emergency csect you are very, very sore, can barley walk, not with it at all after prob being in labour for x days, and the last thing you want is people that you have to make an effort with.
My midwife said something i'll never forget on her first visit after i came back from hospital. I had 58 hours labour followed by csect, and a refluxer who couldn't sleep so at that point hardly slept for a week:-
"you and your baby are the most important thing. Not visitors, not DH, not the cleaning, not getting dressed etc."
At the end of the day, it is important that you do things when you are comfortable and that you bond with your baby first. Everyone else can bond with the baby when you are ready. You are the most important person. Your baby wont know if she's met MIL now or in 2 weeks time. If MIL doesn't feel important enough that's tough.
Yes you are being a bit U. I can't imagine telling my MIL that she couldn't visit her GC. She was really excited.
I can see why mil feels a bit left out. However you feel that you need your own space and are feeling vulnerable - in these circs having your own mum around you is very different to your mil.
On balance i probably agree that it's fair to ask mil to hold off a little bit longer (explainng why) or preferably (if you're up to it) offering a short visit.
I'd be pissed off with sil sticking her nose in and agree that competitive grannying is not helpful in the circs - I would have thought most grandparents could put their own needs aside for a short while.
I had mil telling me recentky she would be annoyed if my dad visited before her when my baby arrives. Pissed me right off.
Did you have a boy? How would you feel in 30 years time if he has a baby and you're not allowed to meet your grandchild?
I do get what you mean though as my own Mum was incredibly pushy about visiting when DC1 was born and as she has a habbit of over staying her welcome I was a bit reluctant for her to visit in the first couple of weeks (she has to fly here).
However, assuming you don't want to start an all out family feud over this, I would get your DH to speak to her and apologise and just say you're all a bit overwhelmed and very tired what with a difficult birth and first child. Explain that you're really looking forward to the baby meeting its Granny for the first time but just didn't want her to make a long trip for a short stay and then arrange for her to come in a couple of weeks.
In the meantime if she's on the computer perhaps you could skype her to introduce the baby.
I totally disagree with athing though, it is perfectly normal for people to be excited and happy and want to meet a new member of the family. Sometimes the attitude to this on mumsnet can be so fucking miserable.
Your SIL was definitely being UR to get involved, but I do think YABU to expect your MIL to wait 'another couple of weeks'.
If MIL doesn't feel important enough that's tough.
What a horrible attitude to have!
Your child will be just as important to your MIL as her other grandchildren.
I too had an emergency Cs and although I felt pretty shocked and uncomfortable I wouldn't have dreamt of not letting the family see their Grandchild/niece.
It really is only for a short time.
I think your sil was out of order, she should have tried to help the situation and not make it worse.
I do think you should invite her over soon, I think something must be delaying you from doing so.
I told my DH to tell his family not to turn up at the hospital unless invited as I too had a c section and it is very hard. I felt that mil would but in and take over my precious time so I voiced this to DH and he handled it perfectly. I think invite her over and as someone has said above, your DH should take his mother out to lunch so you get a break.
By the way your mil does need to wait to be invited. Just because she is grandma doesnt mean she can come over when she wants. There are boundaries and she should respect your space, and arrange a time and date that suits you & your DH best family are not entitled to see your baby whenever they want.....
SIL had no business telling such things. Just imagine if you had PND (btw. i'm not saying that you have), but if you had, that would make things so much more worse.
And if MIL has previously stated that in the "new families should be left to it in the early days", then she should remember and apply this rule in this case.
I think you should be pleased she us still excited by your child after having lots of grandchildren-you'd be miffed on behalf of your child if she wasn't bothered.
It might be a strange suggestion, but is it feasible for you to visit her? Baby will sleep in the car in the journey (maybe with a nappy/feed stop en route), you can relax and sleep while Dh drives (assuming here that he's in mat leave and you don't have other kids to deliver to school etc). That way it can be on your terms-she gets cuddles, you get to leave after an hour or so and earn some serious brownie points for the future!
Just saw your update, I wouldn't get upset with MIL, your SIL is sticking her nose in. Whilst your MIL may well have had a full blown rant re you keeping her grandchild away from her, she could also just have said in passing she was a bit disappointed and your SIL has taken offence on her behalf.
You know what threads like this make me realise what a kind dil I have. If she had excluded me from seeing my grandchild I would have been distraught. However as I said she is lovely and in fact allowed me the honour of being with her during her labour and birth. Let the woman come and see the baby.
Oh ffs the first person I'd want to see after major abdominal surgery is my mother not mil. You're recovering from surgery and juggling a newborn too, you have a right to restrict visitors to those who you feel most comfortable. That being said you must realise the fall-out will be huge by restricting dh's mother, and accept the consequences of doing so. My advice: be as polite as you can, speak to your mil and explain why you feel the way you do and hope she understands. You need to develop a thick skin about these things, you will never please everyone. As long as your partner is behind you 100% you'll be fine.
My mother stayed with me for a week post birth to support MY recovery. She rarely held baby and cooked/cleaned/helped me shower every day enabling me to enjoy time with my baby. Mil kicked off that DM was around so much so I said ok, if you're prepared to do what DM is doing that's fine, I'll happily let you swap. Unsurprisingly she settled on visiting when I was up for company and didn't need so much help!
Yabu. No visitors is fine, but to let your mum see you dd and not your mil is quite hurtful to her, she's just as much family as your mum. Your mum is no more important that your mil to dd. sil was just sticking up for her mum.
I think some grovelling is in order.
The suggestion to visit her is terrible, what if your baby hates being the car it'll be total torture as a 5 hour round trip ends up taking 10, most of which will be spent with you trying to breastfeed round a CS wound in a layby [shudders at the thought on the OPs behalf]
If I am a mil in many years time I like to think that I would be able to put my own feelings aside to give dil the space she needs for a few weeks, if that is the case. No idea whether I actually would be able to do this though!
To her credit, mil doesn't seem to be putting the pressure on at all.
"Did you have a boy? How would you feel in 30 years time if he has a baby and you're not allowed to meet your grandchild?" Oh god, please. It's not like she's stopping her from EVER seeing her grandchild. What is this obsession with seeing them so young anyway.
As a mother of a boy who will definitely be an only child i will be keeping well away from any possible grandchild until I am asked to come. it's called manners and there's no way i would assume that I be allowed to come when the children were very small.
I really hate these posts which try to guilt trip women by saying 'think about when you are a grandmother' and 'lets hope you only have sons and then you will know what it's like'. Bollox. there are a lot of very sensible, normal mothers of sons who don't pull this kind of shit on new parents.
I was hormonal and emotional too when I had my babies. I loved it when my family visited and hated DH's family anywhere near my DC, especially MIL and SIL, but I put up and shut up for DH sake. However I was no pushover and had to be firm when they tried to go against my wishes (finger in the mouth and kissing on the lips etc). So much easier to tell your own family than ILS. DH was really good though and had a word when SIL visited everyday after she finished work.
You have to try to take a step back and give an inch but don't let them take a mile IYSWIM.
FYI mil is a wonderful woman but I needed my mum more than anything as I knew her focus was me, not baby.
Sil is being interfering but I would be gutted not to see a new grandchild. I'm sure she doesn't want entertaining, she's not even coming to see you so much as the new addition to the family...I would be sad to be denied that - sorry...
I hope, hope that when my son has his babies, I will get to see them as newborns.
YABU I'm afraid. I understand wanting space, but everyone wants to meet a new baby, especially the grandparents.
All the madness of visitors soon dies off and you're left to your own devices, so for the sake of peace within the family just let her visit and enjoy this special time.
But redtractor the MIL isn't actually putting on any pressure, the baby is a week old and the MIL has just asked when she can visit, that isn't pressure it's just totally normal behaviour. Newborn babies are lovely that's why people want to see them.
jammiedonut similar with my IL's. My DM helps loads after both DC's were born. Couldn't manage with her.
DH used to moan that FIL should move near to us and come round whenever he wants, cos DM is round here all the time (cleaning, feeding, nappy changing). So i said that's fine, he can share the chores with DM. (FIL does nothing, apart from make us run around after him and extract money from us) He soon saw my point and no longer goes on about it.
It is very easy on these threads to look at your own experience and project that onto what is happening with the OP. whilst it is useful to get other perspectives no where on this thread has the OP said that her MIL has ranted, demanded to come over or even a whisper of competitive grannying. It has all come about as a result of a text from the SIL (who should be able to say to her brother that their mother is upset - ideally not in a text)
We don't know what the MIL has said or done, it sounds as though she would just like to visit her son, DIL and see the new baby. Only the OP will know how she will be. What is wrong with that? Her son can talk to her and explain how the OP is feeling and agree something that hopefully keeps everyone happy.
If she had shown no interest, how would have felt honestly? This is a new experience for the father too.
If you cared for your MIL you would have found a way to facilitate a short visit from her.
Me too nfk I also just can't imagine stopping DH from introducing his first child to his parents.
Cravey I agree with you, first visitors to hospital were my mum and dad and DMIL, all came together and went out for a meal afterwards. It's like what one of the other posters said, mil is just as much family as your mum no difference. Would your mil not help out a bit when she came to visit. I used to love it when my mum or mil came round as they would look after the baby while I went for a sleep or bath.
MrsLyman not stopping MIL from ever seeing the baby, just delaying by a couple of weeks until she feels a bit better.
'The relationship you have with your Mum is completely different.'
Completely agree with this. From the OP's mums' perspective, her DD has undergone fairly major surgery and it is only natural she wants to be with her child. I think the MIL needs to be a bit more understanding and the SIL is massively out of order - at the very least she should have rang her brother. I can understand why MIL feels like she is being denied access to her grandchild but lets be honest tiny babies are boring as shit to other people. There will be plenty of opportunities when the OP is fully recovered and the baby is a little older when both grannies can bond with their grandchild. So no the OP is NBU.
I know she will meet him eventually, but I know my DH would have been really upset if I'd put his parents off from visiting as he's really close to them.
To be fair it doesn't sound as though mil has done anything wrong really. She's understandably a bit sad at having to wait a bit but hasn't put any pressure on OP. It's the sil who has stuck her snout in!
Tiny babies aren't boring as shit to their grandmothers!
I don't see why she can't stay in bed and recover while dh introduces his baby to his mum. It is a very special moment and it seems a bit extreme to deny it.
Having a child invariably introduces all sorts of new permutations into relationships that may be complicated from the start.
Your MIL is no longer just your MIL, she is also the baby's grandmother and they will (hopefully) go on to have a relationship together that will be all their own and not of your making.
Your relationship with your mother will be closer than with your MIL, but to the baby they are both his grandmothers.
Your dh is no longer just your dh, he is also the baby's father and will also have ideas of what he wants as a father and what he wants for his baby.
And in relationship to his mother, he is no longer just her son but also the father of her grandchild.
And in all this, you are also still feeling vulnerable and fragile.
The only advice I can give is to be as tactful as possible and get your dh to negotiate as much as he can. If you really don't feel up to it, let him exaggerate your physical state slightly. If there is anything he can do to make a potential visit easier- like taking her out to lunch as suggested by one poster- then let him do it.
Also as a mil my dil was my number one concern. Yes the baby was lovely but she had a hard labour and I wanted to help in terms of housework, cooking cleaning etc. I find the mil hatred horrid if I'm honest. We're not all like dragons. Imagine if the op husband had said no to her mother coming. There would be uproar. This is her grandchild an extension of her son and would imagine she is gutted. I know I would be. Also I agree babies are boring but I will be forever grateful to my dil that she allowed me to watch my grandson being born and spend time with him after birth.
"the MIL has just asked when she can visit, that isn't pressure it's just totally normal behaviour. "
and the OP and her DH have told her. And then she's moaned about it to SIL.
Anyway - I still think the OP's husband should respond telling MIL that she can come for an hour and then leave. If she wants what the OP's mother has, if it's a competition or something, then let her have it to keep the peace. But don't involve the SIL.
Ignore SIL and get DH to ring his mother and work things out. Don't justify having your mother at the hospital-it's perfectly understandable that you would want to see your own mother after scary surgery, and quite different from seeing an in-law. I don't think your wishes and needs should be disregarded here, or put last in the order of priorities. But I think your MIL understandably wants a bit of reassurance, and the chance to come over soon.
YABU. She is your husband's mother and your child's grandmother. I fully understand that you are more comfortable with your mum (believe me, I understand!). But you need to treat all grannies equally (unless there is an abusive personality involved).
A section is a big thing to recover from (again, I know - emergency after 30 hr labour), but you could put up with her for a couple of hours surely?
I do not think that you are being unreasonable. You have just had a major op. you have a new baby and your hormones will be all over the place and you are probably exhausted as well.
I don't get what is so wrong with just wanting some peace and quiet until you feel ready for visitors. So what if you let your mum visit? fgs, she is your mum and you are bound to feel more comfortable in her company!
I understand that it is more difficult because it is a longer journey for your MIL so you cannot easily ask her to leave after an hour if you are feeling the need to do so, but could you not retire to the bedroom with baby and leave MIL in the care of your DH?
Unfortunately I had my MIL come and stay several times a year, every time I came home with my new baby she would be there. I found it intrusive and awkward and it definitely impacted on our family bonding, so I guess my POV is a bit affected by that.
YANBU. Your DD is not the property of the family.
When I was in your position as a new mother after a traumatic delivery I felt very vunerable and was railroaded into visits from close friends and inlaws that I didn't want. It turned out DD was ill and needed hospital readmission, bf was failing and my mental health took a long time to recover. It was truly the most stressful period of my entire life. I really didn't need people enforcing their 'right' to view my baby, I'm sure you don't either. Focus on establishing your feeding and getting to know your LO.
You are absolutely right to put your own feelings first on this one. Some people really do think you produced a child just so that they can view it at their leisure.
Am I the the only person who wasn't dying a week after birth, I have had an emergency C section, a planned section and a normal birth and even after the emergency although feeling tender I wasn't lying in bed half dead, I was up and about, I know people wont like what I'm saying here but stop being so fucking precious.
Suck it up, invite your MIL, get your DH to buy some cake and make her a cup of tea and be proud when this lady who obviously loves her DS gazes at your wonderful baby, it's such a precious time having a newborn, please don't let your MIL miss out.
I also have to add that if I had tried at any time to dictate to my DH that his parents couldn't see our DCs he would have quite rightly informed me that I was unhinged and a bit controlling.
Could SiL not arrange to drive her Mum down for a few hours then take her ome again later or even pick her up te following day?
My Mum came down the day after DD,Ds1 and DS2 were born,i wanted her there,she couldn't do alot except a bit of cooking etc but she wanted and i wanted her to coo over my delightful babbies.
Yanbu to feel put upon. U must be exhausted.
Yanbu to want your mum around. It is your mum. And to my mind your mum is unfortunately different as anyone in pain or hurting or wanting help wants their mum. Not someone else's.
Yabu to not set mils expectations of when she could come. Frankly DP is a bit of a wet lettuce here for not driving or getting her a car to come over for an hour to see it. To deny her a short planned visit is vbu.
Now, you have to get yourself out of the dog box and that will take YEARS....
No need to be so unkind, Lucille. And how YOU felt after YOUR births isn't really relevant.
If I live to the point where my son ever marries and procreates, providing he wants to, I plan to basically disown him to whatever harridan he takes up with.
Thankfully, I have a daughter left to me, but people like you make me despair of having a son at all.
Yanbu, you have just went through a physical trauma and are dealing with a huge hormonal surge, you've every right to decide who you want around you at the moment. I don't agree with the argument that it's your husbands baby too, it doesn't apply just now as he's not just went through child birth.
Why shouldn't MiL have the same desire to elp out and coo over her DGC?
I'm going to be a Grannie this year to DS1's baby.
I cannot wait...i am delighted at the prospect of helping as much as is wanted/needed.
Luckily we don't have to travel but i still don't want to be the second class Grannie.
You said you had the c section last week,can't she visit this weekend?
I agree expat, I'm washing my hands of DS1&2 and holding out for DD. I must live in an alternate universe to some, I can't get these women that give birth and then receive a fucking crown and pedestal.
The OP will be back in 2 years time bitching about how the MIL babysits/does more for the SIL's children than hers.
at expat and her DSs potential harridan.
I would have had no issue at all telling my MIL that she couldn't visit for the whole day in these circumstances.
A one hour visit is very different than a whole day (because that's what is going to happen). I might have said 'OK you can come for one hour' but it's clearly out of question here (Personally, I wouldn't dream to ask someone to do a 5 hour journey to spend one little hour with me and baby, one hour when you might even be able to have any conversation as baby may be ratty, crying, you feeding etc etc)
And when/if my 2 ds have dcs themselves, I would never impose myself to them/their wives on the ground that I want to see my gc. First mum and baby, then grand parents.
YANBU. I had a C-section last week too. My inlaws saw the baby (DS4)on day 4 but nobody else has seen him yet. DS4 is in special care and I'm either at the hospital, expressing or in tears (usually a combination of all 3). I don't want visitors, I want time and space. This time is about what you want and your recovery. Your MIL can visit first if your DH has major surgery.
PS I have 4 sons, no daughters
Yes, it's funny on MN, it's all 'his child, too,' when it comes to maintenance, domestic chores, etc. but not his child when it comes to a brief visit by his own mother.
I've learned a lot, I won't bother with my son's life at all and will still manage to piss off the DIL by not helping all on her terms.
"Why shouldn't MiL have the same desire to elp out and coo over her DGC?"
No reason at all. But surely someone can put aside their own feelings in these circs for a couple of weeks?
I think whether you are UR or not regarding the visit depends massively on the circumstances.
The time factor is important. It's all very well to say you MIL should get the same visiting time as your DM, but if she has to travel and can't just pop by for 10 minutes then that obviously influences things. Will she need a meal, for example, or doe she even need somewhere to stay overnight because she finds the journey there and back too much for one day? I can see exactly where you are coming from. Saying "You are welcome to travel for 2.5 hours but you can only stay an hour" as a lot of people here seem to be suggesting strikes me as rude too. When people have made that effort I'd feel obliged to host them for longer than if they just lived round the corner.
What sort of person is she? Will she expect to be able to just sit and hold the baby while you entertain her, or will she get stuck in and help out? In my case, I actually prefer the company of MIL more than y own mum. I love my mum but she can be a bit difficult sometimes whereas MIL is lovely. However, after DD1 was born MIL came to stay and was no help at all practically. I enjoyed her company but she didn't do anything useful - she just wanted to hold the baby, and kept putting pressure on me to bottle feed so she could 'help' me by doing that bit too. (Disclaimer: she lives overseas and came for a month, and DD was already 3 months old so I let her do all the holding she wanted to but the pressure to bottle feed was getting a bit much!). DM, in contrast, also had to stay due to the distances involved but rarely picked up the baby, did all the cooking and extra to stock up my freezer, did housework etc.
When DD2 was born 8 weeks ago, if there'd been a choice, I'd have had DM again over MIL. (There wasn't a choice - MIL can't come yet but we hope she will be able to soon). DM stayed a week, took care of DD1, taking her to school and out for outings, she did all the cooking again and so on. She picked up the baby about three times. DM tends to look after me, MIL wants to coo over the baby.
That makes a difference. It's nothing to do with relationship and everything to do with how they behave and their circumstances and expectations. You don't need to be looking after someone else just yet - if she'd expect that then you are not UR to ask her to stay away for a few more days. If she'd be happy to chip in a bit then it's much harder to justify keeping her away.
Oh thank goodness Expat and LucilleBluth.
I don't think he gets a say, poor sod.
As someone who had a relatively easy birth and was up and about physically quite quickly, I think all of you attacking the OP as to what she'd feel like as a MIL can sod off. The OP has been very clear, it's not that her MIL can't visit, it's that she has a long way to come, on public transport, they're not close, and she doesn't want to have to entertain anyone in her space for more than an hour. That's fine!
OP, if I were you, I would offer MIL the opportunity to come but make it clear that you're only really up to an hour or so, you're still trying to get feeding established and with the greatest of respect, she has to realise that after that, you and DD are likely to retreat to the bedroom.
Honestly, if this was a feeding thread we'd have a myriad of posters advising the OP to go to bed with the baby, enjoy a babymoon and tell everyone to sod off!
When my daughter was ten days old, my SIL and family arrived three hours later than they said they would, said they'd bring food which they didn't, and would only stay an hour or an hour and a half. After three, I brought DD upstairs to feed her and stayed there. DH came up a while later and said they were thinking of leaving. I smiled sweetly and told him to give them my love as I knew if I went back down it would take another half an hour. In the same time period, my own Mum would have made a meal and cleared up and when my DSis came for a few days after DD was born, I didn't have to do so much as make a cup of tea! That's the kind of family you need to visit!!
Think SIL is UR - keep your nose out unless you can help i.e offer a lift to facilitate short visit for MIL -and a txt, fgs?! how old is she!.
Think YABU by not letting MIL have a short visit, am sure you can find a way to make it short - you could go and have a lie down while she fussed over baby.
Think YANBU wanting your mum there for support for YOU, that's different. BUT MIL is just as important to your DH so should be there to visit/support him and see his new child, like I said, you don't have to see her, have a rest. Don't see why husbands family are less important in these situations.
OP, good question from Dackyduddles about where does DP stand ? is he ok with MIL delaying her visit ?
I also have to add that if I had tried at any time to dictate to my DH that his parents couldn't see our DCs he would have quite rightly informed me that I was unhinged and a bit controlling.
But then my DH would NEVER have imposed to me a visit from MIL for a whole day when I was sore and teary and emotional. He would have taken the clues from me to see if I was up to it and backed me up too.
He would have stepped up, dealt with his mother, perhaps organized for her to come over during the weekend, arranged for the trip to be very short and that he was there to 'entertain' her the whole time. He would have never expected me to just 'get on with it' if he had seeing me so distressed over that.
It's not about one set of grand parent being 'second class'. It's about the fact that that that time is very emotional. It's about the fact that everyone lives that time in their lives in a different way and I wouldn't dream to impose my ways to someone else. It's about the fact that a one visit at hospital isn't the same than a day visit at home when you still have the feeling you should be looking after your guests even if you don't feel like it (eg in pain after a c section).
I agree with Lucile and Expat. YABU
Your mother came to see you in hospital straight after the birth. I totally get that in this environment you are only really happy with her seeing you. I know, I am a mw who sees it all!!
But it is now a week later, it will be in your own home with your own stuff around you and day 1 after having a baby is a lot different to day 7.
If she is up for a 5 hour round trip, let her come and see her grandchild. For one hour.
It really can't be that hard.
I do think that making the decision for her based on the distance she lives is a little unfair - if she is prepared to travel that distance for short visit, then that should be her prerogative. I also understand wanting your own mum there rather than a MIL, but there are ways of handling it which don't upset people and ways which do. Unfortunately, it sounds as though what should have been a private little moan to her daughter about how much she was itching to see her grandchild has been broadcast beyond your MILs intentions. So as to the title of your thread, YANBU - your SIL is the annoying one in this scenario.
Lucille it's people like you and your
fucking uncaring "why can't everyone just get on with it like me" attitude that cause lots of first time mothers to feel like failures.
I'm sure that OP will be very grateful for the " I can't get these women that give birth and then receive a fucking crown and pedestal" comment. You sound delightful Lucille. I pity any DIL of yours.
They grow up so quick, let her see her grandchild, think it is only fair that both granny's are treated the same. But do think your sil need's to stay out of it .
What does your husband say about not being allowed to show of his daughter to his mum??
Yabu and precious.
It seems to me that it would have been very different if the OP actually liked her MiL. But she doesn't. And presumably the only person MiL could express her hurt to was SiL. And why not?
I think it's lovely that she's bothered as it's not her only GC.
If I was her, I'd be really hurt too.
What does your DH say?
My MIL came to stay for 5 days when DH went back to work - my Mum was working and couldn't and I was recovering horribly slowly from my section and couldn't go up and down the stairs carrying the baby, or get up from the floor holding him.
She was brilliant. Held him while I showered, cooked the dinner, made me cups of tea and brought me drinks and cake while I was BFing. Ironed, hoovered.
Prior to me having the DCs I had had a reasonable relationship with her but we didn't have anything in common and I found her company quite wearing.
That few days was the making of our relationship and we get on brilliantly now. She is a lovely granny, my boys adore her and I am SO SO pleased that I allowed her to be part of our lives at such a special time.
if she is prepared to travel that distance for short visit, then that should be her prerogative.
And therein lies the answer of it all! This is the bit we don't know anything about. Will MIL say that there is no way she's coming all that way for such a short time and take offence at being asked to do so? Or is she physically unable to manage that journey for such a short time? If so, OP is definitly doing the right thing in delaying the visit.
If MIL is capable and happy to do it and isn't likely to take umbridge at being asked to depart almost as soon as she arrives then go ahead and have the conversation. There's no information in the OP as to what sort of person her MIL is or what the reaction is likely to be if she even broaches the subject of such a short visit.
I would just let her visit but make sure your DH is fully on board and ready to whisk her away when need be.
It was a bit to send a text.
I like my MIL but have a very different relationship with her than my Mum so I understand there is a huge difference. However, you should try and be seen to be considerate.
herethereandeverywhere and LadyInDisguise and beginnings. Agree totally with you.
Well if OPs husband will be there, MIL doesn't have to be coming to cook & clean, does she?
He can do that/look after his mum if necessary/take her out/look after OP.
If she's willing to travel the 2.5 hours for an hour and abit visit then let her. make sure she knows its just for an hour!
I was in an awful state after i had my DD1 and having my MIL stay for the whole weekend would of knocked me over the edge.
Your mom came to see her daughter after going under the knife. She came to be a mom, not a nan.
Also 1 hr visit is hardly the same as stopping over the whole weekend!
herethereandeverywhere I assure you I will be a fabulous MIL and I have been a fist time mum myself, and a second and a third. Having a baby is a massive life changing event granted but I do feel that even in the past 12 years since my eldest DS was born that pregnancy and birth have become fetishised so to speak, everything is overkill, keeping your MIL away from her grandchild because mummy doesn't want her there a WEEK after the birth is madness......this is my opinion of course.
Total lack of basic grammar in that last post, I have a cold.
LucilleBluth after any of those births, did you ever wake up and think "oh my god, i can't do this, i'm so tierd and in so much pain and i think i'd rather be dead" ?
I think that MIL is in a no win.
2,5 hrs travel for a one hr visit-if she leaves it until she can stay longer, she'll not be interested enough!
You know its threads like these that make me despair sometimes. Life really is to short for all this crap. Life is precious, in the 4 yrs since we had DS1 we have lost my dad, DMIL diagnosed with dementia, had DS2, mum diagnosed with cancer and pathological fracture of her spine and now had DD. We all support each other because that's what families do. Lets all try and get on with each other.
Invite you mil round pronto, you have bridges to build, there is no getting round it you have hurt her feelings. Your SIL is just protecting her mum, maybe in not the most tactful way but she has certainly got the message across.
Can understand why mil is upset,yabu to treat both grandparents so differently. can't believe you would ask her to wait a few weeks to see her grandchild. She is probably now worried about how often she'll be 'allowed ' see her in future. Think yabu .
I really hate all this shit about women ceasing to be people when they become mothers.
The idea that a woman can't be supported by her own mother (or really anyone of her choosing) unless she gives someone else access to her on the same terms is revolting.
Visiting a person who has had major surgery is not about fairness, it is about what they can cope with.
I agree that the MIL should be told that it is OK to visit as long as the visit is short. That's got to be her call.
It sounds like she gets that the birth of a child isn't an excuse for inflicting yourself on a new mother regardless of her feelings (unlike some posters on this thread).
The SIL should have kept her whisht and allowed her mother to have a moan without creating the kind of bad feeling that really festers.
OP - your MIL doesn't have any rights here. But she's excited and dying to see you all, so don't keep her away because you can't offer all the bells and whistles and roll out a marching band.
trackies, I don't think the OP has said anything like that, she hasn't spoken of being depressed, apart from the C section I think she's fine.
YABU but I don't quite get why it is such a big deal for people to have visitors after given birth anyway. When my fifth was born I had all the family here the next day as I wanted to share the excitement with them as soon as possible and couldn't wait to show baby off.
I think it's very U to make a gparent wait for over a week, especially when one set has already seen the baby.
I think this could be smoothed over with some communication.
It's a shame you didn't think how your MIL might feel, whilst also putting yourself first. You could have rung her and asked how she'd feel about only coming for a short visit rather than assuming she'd mind.
That said, the SIL should not have intervened.
I think your sil is right tbh. You had a baby last week and you haven't let your husbands family see it?
Why not invite them all over for 1 hr on Sunday get it all over in one go then someone can take your mil home afterwards
She's prepared to travel to see you yet you don't want that.
You sound very precious to me.
Grandparents are very important to your child. Your duty to your child is to encourage good living relationships between family members.
If my sons wife wouldn't let me see my grandchild I would be mortified!
Sorry I think you are being vu.
I was terribly ill after my daughters birth I would never have dreamed of not allowing family to see her
sorry, that wasn't clear. I agree that you should be allowed to put yourself first.
I just find it surprising that you wouldn't understand why a GM might want to see a tiny baby
Oh my! This could have been me 10 years ago!
Similar situation, my dd was 10 months old when my SIL asked to take her out for the day. I said no as the day she requested was a day when it really wasn't convenient. Cue a mahooosive family row where bil and SIL and bil's gf bullied dh into trying to get me change to my mind. I dug my heels in. I don't like being told what to do and I was not going to be bullied on this.
Eventually I made peace with SIL, although I made a rule that she would not be having dd again as it was too upsetting for all involved when I said no.
Bil however has NEVER spoken to me politely since and contact ceased completely less than a year after the original row. I have attempted, at different times, to re-establish contact, to apologise, to point out that it was a silly argument. Bil now no longer speaks to any of his family and cites me as the reason. Rest of dh's family tell me it is not my fault but I can't help feeling guilty.
I was a young mum, 19, and dd was the first grandchild. I hate that bil blames me so entirely but he is the one who has missed out on his nieces and nephews and dd1 was his god daughter too. I was stubborn and accept I could have tried harder but I believe it would not have mattered what I had done. He had decided I was the wicked witch and it damn near split me and dh up. I'm pleased to say it didn't but it was a close call at one time!
FGS most people who have CSections are not in agony a week after. OP can stay in bed if she feels that she can't cope with MIL. She can limit the time that MIL stays.
LucilleBluth and other dissapproving MIL's. The care we receive post birth maybe different now, depending on when you had your DC's.
When my DM gave birth to me, she had 24 hour labour and then forceps. She was kept in hospital for 1 WEEK. I was looked after for a week by midwives in the hospital. This was back in the day when NHS could afford to support the recovery of the mother.
After I had a 58 hour labour, followed by a e-csect, i had to look after my refluxer straight away (who would not sleep). I was up for most of two nights in hospital trying to soothe a baby who did not want to be soothed. She was looked after for maybe 4 hours per night (cos she was waking up the rest of the ward).
After DC2, i had a planned csect. I was discharged the next day. They needed the bed. I then slept on the living room floor for next two weeks with DC2, so i didnt have to do stairs in middle of night, and so that DH could look after DC1.
So not much time for recovery. But i have to say, DC1 was the worst and i was in no shape to see anyone for ages. But we did have visitors within a few days.
Well when my MIL came round she invited the rest of the family, cooked an enormous meal, talked over me whenever I tried to join in and left an entire kitchen full of washing up before p*ssing off home and taking the rest of the family (who all have sneeze births) with them. (Took me 3 days of dishwasher loading between all the other health related fun and games to clear it).
Life is precious. That of yourself and your own DD are the most important. Don't be told to do something against your wishes and instincts at this precious time. Once you're over these difficult few weeks your MIL and the rest of the family have a lifetime of cuddles and photo opportunities ahead of them. I wish I'd been as strong as the OP about stupid visits.
"When my fifth was born I had all the family here the next day as I wanted to share the excitement with them as soon as possible and couldn't wait to show baby off."
Right, so you'd been through the whole process 4 previous times?
Not quite the same, is it?
A week after I had my first I was barely eating any food because I couldn't figure out when to do it between (unsuccessful) feeds.
A week after my 3rd I was going out for dinner with friends while the baby slept.
You get better at this.
For a lot of us the first time is totally fucking horrendous.
And I didn't have PND, but I did have an EMCS to recover from.
I was a total mess.
Anyone who would impose themselves on a woman in that state is a wanker.
Not that the MIL in the OP has even attempted to. She just made the mistake of expressing her understandable impatience to her big mouth daughter.
LucilleBluth no Op hasn't said that. And i'm not saying that this is how she feels, but how do you really know how she feels ?
Lots of women do experience this types of feelings after birth and i do think sometimes that those who make statements such as I can't get these women that give birth and then receive a fucking crown and pedestal really must have never felt like this. We don't all have the same "we've just get on with it" experience.
Grr, sets my teeth on edge when people say 'you've got to treat grandparents the same'. Yes that's true, regarding their relationship with the grandchild.
But right now, one week after a c-section, the person who should get all their needs met is the one who has just been CUT OPEN and who needs to establish a good relationship with the baby. If that person wants to see just their mother, and no other visitors, then that's what should happen. It doesn't matter how much pain she is or isn't in.
Pandering to a grandparent's obsession with the baby is treating the mother not as a person (who has undergone something quite traumatic) but as a vessel (who should just shut up and put up). The MIL has all the time in the world to get to know her grandchild.
Whoops forgot - (climbs down from soapbox and says in a small voice) - YANBU
I hate these threads.
As the mother of boys i really really hope I don't have daughters in law like AThingInYourLife
Invite her, arrange that your DH takes her to the pub for lunch, then have a quick coffee with her in the afternoon before sending her off to your SILs. Job done.
My ILs pitched up 6 days post birth, and although I wasn't keen I was so glad I agreed to it. My MIL was in tears of happiness, and sat for so long with dd asleep on her that she got cramp. It was really special, and an image I will treasure.
It's not a fairness issue at all- course she can see her mum as much as she likes.
However, come on, it's a lovely newborn baby- surely its grandma is allowed a peek? How will that negatively affect op at all? Where is the dp in this?
Any woman who recognises that their DIL is a human being will have no problem with a DIL like me.
Well,pandering to a grandparents obsession with the baby?
It's over a week now,hardly obsessive behaviour.
The OP doesn't have to pander to her MiLs needs,just let her see her son's baby.
Let the DH look after his Mum while OP has a kip.
I asked before,can't your SiL drive her down for a few hours this weekend while you have a rest?
Surely that's not too much to bear.
Lots of projecting going on in this thread.
You are being a bit unreasonable. Grandparents should be treated equally.
Fuck your SIL & your MIL. You've just had a baby, do what is right for you and if that means they have to wait then so be it. Congratulations btw.
I am a paternal grandmother, I have no daughters.I would have felt upset if I was not allowed to see my grandchild , just a few minutes would be sufficient.
I have had two ceasarians and was glad to get any visitors when I came home from hospital.I felt proud and pleased that people were coming to see me and the baby, mothers, grandmothers, brothers, sisters, old uncle Tom Cobley and all.Mind they were all given a job to do when they came.
In my own experience of welcoming a new grandchild I was lucky.The maternal grandmothers were not the helping kind.
Ask your MIL to come and see her new grandchild, she will be overjoyed and go away happy.
By the way I upset my MIL when she visited me in hospital after DS2 was born.He was a baby who could scream for England.I had just got him settled after a feed, he was fast asleep and she tried to pick him up.I told her to leave him alone or else he would scream till his next feed.She made a comment about not being allowed to hold her own grandchild and stormed out of the room.But at least I allowed her to see him!.
Dss recently had a baby - we drove 1.5 hr to hospital for a five min cuddle and to congratulate dss and partner. We were thrilled. Now I'm grateful too.
Expat and Lucille, yes!
No it's not easy but sometimes it feels like it's become a bit too much with all the "only you and the baby matter at this point". I've been seventeen years old, alone, after hours of labour and an EMCS so I do know where people are coming from but honestly, it all feels so indulgent now. Other people do matter, whatever you've been told about how special you are now.
Doesn't the new dad possibly need his mum at such a life changing stage of life? I've got three boys. Shit.
Well, I also had people here with my first, but you are right, so I take that comment back. It was 14 years ago I had my first so I can forget what those days were like.
There is a compromise though imo. The OP doesn't feel comfy with her travelling a long way just to be told she can't stay long. There is a way around that. OP wants to leave it another couple of weeks, I would be devastated to have to wait for 3 weeks to see my GC. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to know that one grandparent is allowed to see the baby but the other one isn't just because she is the MIL.
I just couldn't personally tell a grandparent to keep away for that long. My dh's nan is the very last person you want to see when you are in pain or stressed etc so I told her she has 30 minutes because I wasn't feeling up to much more and took a bath leaving dh to speak to her.
If OP doesn't want her to visit then her husband needs to smooth it over with his mother and his sister needs to keep out but I think giving her the option for a short visit would be the best thing to do, because 30 minutes isn't really going to hurt is it?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
But *Lucille you're doing just as much projecting with your expectation that everyone needs to deal with their situation post-birth just as you did! OP does not feel comfortable doing that, hence the request for visitors to stay away at the moment!
Any shared experiences (such as my own) are offering empathy and understanding to a first time mum having a rough first week or so - far more supportive than pouring scorn on her decision.
Good point bottleofbeer
What about her husband? He must really want his parents to see the baby too.
I see no reason why it would hurt for her to have a quick visit.
I was 17 when I had my first and it was a hard delivery but I wouldn't have dreamt of making a grandparent wait for weeks to see their grandchild, even if that meant I had to keep visits short.
The newest baby in our family is my brother's 2nd.
My mother saw far less of the baby in the first few days (despite living locally) than SIL's mother.
She didn't feel "pushed out" or excluded.
She expected that SIL would want her own mother's support before she could deal with other visitors.
If she had called me up saying she felt upset not to have seen the baby yet, no way would I have sent a text like that to me brother.
He would have told me to go and shite if I had.
If I did want to interfere I might have tried to gently suggest that it might be time for a flying visit.
But really, we all got that we needed to take our lead from SIL herself in the early days.
Now sh visits my parents with the kids all the time.
Being nice to people who are having a tough time pays off.
Hotsoup: "But right now, one week after a c-section, the person who should get all their needs met is the one who has just been CUT OPEN and who needs to establish a good relationship with the baby. If that person wants to see just their mother, and no other visitors, then that's what should happen. It doesn't matter how much pain she is or isn't in."
Completely agree with this. It's nothing to do with "fairness", it's about who the OP feels comfortable having around when she's feeling ill and sore and tired. Most women, I'd have thought, feel far more comfortable with their own mum than with a MiL who, after all, is neither a blood relation nor someone they chose to have in their life - they're there purely by virtue of marriage.
Also, the SIL sounds a PITA. I hate people who feel obliged to share what someone else said about you behind your back, thereby just creating more upset and hurt feelings all around.
Surely it is not about visiting the grandchild - the OP and MIL don't get on. The OP's mother would not just have been visiting her grandchild but also her child after major abdominal surgery and a potentially life threatening experience.
The OP's mother will have been worried sick about her daughter as any decent mother would be - to put her rights to visit her daughter on the same level as MIL's to visit her grandchild is frankly laughable.
When my mother came round the day I got out of hospital with DD1, she was there for me as her daughter, not as a grandmother.
I have two daughters - when they give birth, my first and foremost concern will be for them and their health & welfare and circumstances permitting, I will want to see for myself that they are OK as soon as possible. If I have a son, I will ofcourse be concerned for my DIL, but would not dream of being equal to her own mother in this particular situation, knowing how I feel about my own daughters.
Mothers of mothers simply do not have the same rights as mothers of fathers in this situation as the father has not been through a traumatic and life threatening experience during the birth.
Mumsnet astounds me at times!
I agree about SIL being PITA. I don't actually think MIL is at fault. She was hurt and confided in SIL. SIL should have just listened and stayed out of it.
I have princess tendencies myself, so I do feel some sympathy for you OP.
But please, let your MIL see her new grandchild. It can be brief.
You've had a C/S, you need to take it easy, but you don't need to wrap yourself in cotton wool for weeks.
You also need to try - as you've said yourself - to have a better relationship with your child's grandmother - and this is a great chance. Right now you are giving her something to resent you about, should she be that way inclined.
Ha, lots of exaggeration going on too. The MIL doesn't want to move in, she didn't turn up at the hospital, she just wants to see the baby, oh my.
When my baby boys have babies themselves I would love to see those babies as newborns, to smell them and drink in that new babyness, then I will go back to my beach house and carry on drinking my cocktails, hopefully.
We're not talking about rights! we're talking about basic decency.
Luckily for you, as a mother of girls this won't affect you, you're the important grandmother after all.
The woman understandably wants to meet her grandchild who is - actually - every bit as genetically related to the baby as her other grandmother. I'd want to see mine while they were still newborn, y'know, my child's child and I'd want to offer my support to my son as well. No, he's not physically given birth but it's every bit as life changing for him too. But maybe all grandparents out there should just accept being relegated like that just by virtue of the fact it's only their son and not their daughter who is the new parent.
Oh and FTR I wouldn't just descend and to hell with my DIL's wishes, but then I'd hope none of my DIL's are ever that precious tbh. Oh and I do also have a daughter so this is not possible future bitterness on my part.
As the mother of boys i really really hope I don't have daughters in law like AThingInYourLife
As the mother of 2 boys, I hope I will never be a MIL like the one of the OP. That I will be more understanding of my DIL feelings. And will not be intruding in the way they want to live their life in that way.
As YY to Visiting a person who has had major surgery is not about fairness, it is about what they can cope with.
A c-section IS major surgery and not everyone will be healing fast and easy.
Since when did having visitors post C-section include doing the can-can for them?
Sit on your arse while MIL cuddles the baby. People don't half over think stuff sometimes.
The Op has never said she didn't want her MIL to see the baby as a newborn. She said 'a little bit later, I don't feel quite ready'.
She hasn't had lots of people coming over to see her/the baby. Just her mum for ONE hour when she was in hospital (taking into account her dad has passed away recently so it must have been an emotional time both for her and her mum).
So why why would the MIL feel left out?
I don't understand why the MIL cannot just visiting the baby while the OP rests? am I missing something?
Also from the OP
I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while
So the issue was that the OP didn't want to ask her MIL to do a 5 hour trip for a ONE hour visit. She felt bad about that and at the same time didn't want to have her MIL for a long time either.
Noting that her mum hasn't visited her at home in that week either, I am failing to see how the OP is wrong in her intentions.
For me, the only error is to have have though that her MIL was coming, she then HAD to accept she was there for a while. When it might have been acceptable for her MIL to do a very long journey for a very short visit.
Yes you are missing the fact that she has just given birth to her sense of superiority now she is mother.
LadyInDisguise if you really don't understand why the OP's MIL would feel left out, you have no imagination. This baby is her new grandchild, just as it is the OP's DM's new grandchild - you don't have to do everything with absolute equality (length of visits etc) but common decency says that you do have to give both DGMs the chance to meet their new GC. That poor woman - and I'm not talking about the OP..!
Oh Lucille you are very good
YABU. Sorry but you are. I am not surprised she is hurt. And so will you be, when your son's wife does this to you.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well here's an opposite view for everyone.
My mum and dad didn't see my DD (my first and only) until she was 9 weeks old. My MIL didn't see her until she was 10 weeks old
Guess what - neither mum nor MIL shrivelled up and died. When the met DD they didn't recoil in horror, they fell in love will her and barely put her down.
She's 8 now, they still love her, think she's amazing and would die for her.
Not meeting her as a brand-new-born hasn't harmed anyone
OP - Tell SIL to keep her beak out and tell MIL that you can't wait to see her, once you and the baby have recovered from the birth
in a couple of weeks
There's only one of her. The OP can cope with her company for an hour. If it was 13 inlaws including second cousins threatening to descend whip back the curtains of the bed on the labour ward it would be different.
All the arguments about "fairness" and "being left out" are stupid and unreasonable but I can totally understand why SIL would feel that she needs to intervene on her mother's behalf.
Have read all posts and am coming to conclusion my mil is posting here as she's (batshit crazy) looking very familiar from a couple of comments....
Yes you are missing the fact that she has just given birth to her sense of superiority now she is mother. what ? where did you get that from ? maybe it you that is projecting LucilleBluth ?
really Dackyduddles ? who is your MIL on here ?
I only have boys. These threads make me quite sad. I also live 400 miles away from any family, my own and inlaws. Would have loved to have all my family and my husbands be able to pop in at the hospital for an hour or to our home for a few hours to share our new baby. Instead I had a few friends at the hospital, even some folk brought along I had only met once.
Why can't you let your Mil pop for a visit for a few hours? Unless she is abusive or totally vile - I really don't understand. Where I'm from all family rush to see the baby, it's a huge exciting occasion. mumsnet is so fucking miserable.
I honestly just don't understand why mumsnet is so anti visitors, I loved showing off my PFB despite an horrific labour and lots of episiotomy pain, when feeding was horrendous. I also enjoyed watching how happy DH's entire family were to meet the first of my DS's generation.
I get that some visitors can be a bit tiresome, but I'm not sure I've ever come across such an anti-social bunch.
How about your DH texting his mum and sis
'I understand you really want to see the new baby but we really just need some time to bond, sleep and recover after such a hard birth. Sarah is feeling very sore and sensitive, so it would be great if you could bear with us for a while'
YABU the minute you let your mum see the baby and not her.
I totally understand the surgery etc.. and your sil was out of order but you unlevelled the playing field so to speak so I think the onus is on you to put things right.
I feel sorry for your mil to be honest and its not often I can say that
How would you feel if your sons wife wouldn't let you see your grandchild for a few weeks? Children at that age change so much.
I've had 3 c-sections and my in-laws actually saw all my children before my own mother. That's just how it worked out.
Having my second child who spent a week in NICU actually cemented my relationship with my in-laws. They dropped everything to come and help with my eldest whilst I was in hospital.
If your DH just explained you're not up to having someone stay for hours then I'm sure your mil would be fine with a short visit.
There is something very special about newborn babies and that newborn stage doesn't last long.
Tbh sitting on sofa for a few hours what your mil cuddles baby is hardly an ordeal. I do think you are being precious. Yes I agree having her to stay would not be ok but coming to see you is perfectly understandable. I can see why your sil said what she did even if she would have been better to keep her nose out.
OP only wants MIL to wait until baby is 3 WEEKS. Her own mother only visited for ONE HOUR when OP was still in hospital.
OP doesn't want MIL to travel for 2.5 hours this week for a visit lasting one hour, then travel 2.5 hours home. If MIL comes later on OP will be feeling better and MIL can stay longer.
Can someone tell me why a visit when baby is one week old is better than when a baby is 3 weeks old. What is the difference? Do babies grow horns at 3 weeks or something? What can you do/see when a baby is one week old that you can't do when it is 3 weeks old?
Formica, that's a great text.
I couldn't wait to meet my nieces, the first babies born in my immediate family apart from my own since their mother (my sister) was a born.
I'd have travelled two and a half hours to see them for an hour, no worries.
If it was my grandchild, I'd walk two and a half hours to get a glimpse of their face. Remember that moment you looked at your baby and just fell in love? be it five minutes or five months after the birth, this new baby is an extension of that child and you want to be there and support them as well as meet this precious new baby. Surely?
Yeah, I'd be very bloody hurt if the maternal grandmother was allowed to meet the baby while I was being asked to stay away. He/she is half of my child too. As a woman, who has also given birth I'm not about to be shocked of horrified if my DIL isn't looking her best or god forbid, has her left boob on show. I'd hope she knew that and didn't feel awkward around me. Although obviously she'll always feel more comfortable in front of her own mother, not denying that. The paternal grandmother is not some stranger off the street. She's your husband's mum!
LtEve "Can someone tell me why a visit when baby is one week old is better than when a baby is 3 weeks old. What is the difference?"
The difference is waiting for 2 weeks, knowing you are not not welcome.
The vast majority of people on this thread think the OP is BU. It really is not normal to forbid a grandparent a visit for several weeks.
Because babies are pretty much the most exciting thing that happens to most of us, and by extension, the babies of our babies. To have to wait that long would be very hard, although there are, of course circumstances where that would be the case.
bottleofbeer, is all very well you saying that you wouldn't be shocked or horrified if your DIL had her left boob on show. Just because you live with a man, doesn't make you automatically comfortable with their Mum. Op has already stated that she doesn't get on that well with MIL. I didn't want to get my boobs out infront of anyone (my family/friends or DH's). I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't even want to see MY family or friends early on apart from my Mum (to help me), but we did have visitors in hospital and at home in the first week. I could have done without it though.
We're not denying that grandmothers dote and want to see their GC. Just that if OP is really in need of some space to recover (cos she can't face several hours visit), that the visit be postponed by 2 weeks.
Surely a grandparent can put their needs aside for the OP for 2 WEEKS ?
I'm due in a few weeks and have told everyone I don't want visits in hospital or in the week or two after giving birth to let us all get the hang of things. It hasn't gone down too well but we're sticking to our guns!
I don't think you were unreasonable at all, don't let anyone stress you out! You need to spend time as a little family unit at the moment not pander to grannies!
I'm not disagreeing with you trackies. I was very young and very awkward about it all when I had my first, I didn't BF because a little bit of me died inside at the thought of anybody seeing my boobs so I do get it. The OP could quite simply feed the baby in her bedroom if she's that uncomfortable around her MIL.
And this MIL is putting the OPs needs before her own, she's not pushing it but I do understand why she's upset and has told her own daughter she's upset.
Recovery hurts, I know it does and yeah ok I'm only speaking for myself but after four sections I reckon I can confidently say the very worst of it is well over a week PP. Mothers of sons just suck it up. I think it's mean.
"pander to grannies" how nice .
In this instance we are talking about one Grannie, who wishes to visit for one hour. Not exactly strenuous.
Sil needs to mind her own beeswax and yanbu re your mil.
bottleofbeer , so we agree, MIL is not pushing it. I agree that can see why she would be hurt, and therefore confiding in SIL is fair enough.
Glad you get the boobs thing. I did feel v uncomfortable at lots of people watching me have my nipples pulled and tweaked by midwives in hosp (like i was a cow), and think i would have had a better chance at BF is lots of people were not sitting about watching. I gave up within a couple of weeks as nothing was happening. Felt guilty about it.
As for the csect. I think i had a better csect recovery than some as commented on by midwives. But some mums i know struggled afterwards with the pain for weeks, and it really affected how they felt.
Sometimes it's not just the csect pain, it's the labour, a bad pregnancy, a lack of aftercare in hospital, lack of support from DH or DP, the whole thing! Everyone has a different experience.
ExcuseTypos OP has stated that MIL will probably be coming for whole day as she lives far away
I find the whole concept of no visitors for a couple of weeks very very strange.
I did retreat to my room with my 3rd as my 2nd had chicken pox but wonderful in laws stayed and looked after everything and everyone. Delicious food was prepared, cleaning and ironing done.
This no visitors thing - its a recent thing isn't it? I don't know anyone in real life who has done this.
Formica, then MIL could rightly text back stop being so bloody precious.
Of course no one will DIE if they don't see their grandchild as a newborn. BUT the potential to make someone happy, the possibility of preventing hurt, the chance to start to build a better relationship with MIL...to do the Right Thing...outweighs the mild discomfort of having to put up with someone who gave birth to the child's father.
I agree with MrsCampbellBlack. Share the joy.
Turn it around & imagine the same scenario in 25 years time but with you as the MIL. How would you feel if you were discouraged from seeing your grand child.
It's been handled badly by all concerned but not too late to rectify the situation. Can you book your in laws into a b&b/ hotel for a night so you have all got a bit of space & they can take it in turns to see the baby. Use the opportunity to sleep/rest while they come for cuddles, they are your child's family as much as your dm is.
Yay yay MrsCampbellBlack it is very precious. A baby should be a joy for the whole family (sorry if I sound about 90)
trackies no, the Op has said the MIL only wants to visit for a short time.
I honestly think that is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. Sharing your newborn baby with your family is a lovely, lovely moment. We are not meant to have children in isolation.
I really hope that you don't regret your choice when they then choose to stay away at other times when you deem their presence allowable.
Sorry but I too think you are being unreasonable. You are being quite open that the reason for treating DM and MIL differently is about YOUR relationship with them. This should be purely about THEIR relationship with their grandchild where they should be treated fairly and equally.
I get that they are 2.5 hrs away but surely the logistics are for them to work out. You make it clear that its only practical for them to visit for a couple of hours and won't be able to stay with you and then its down to them if they a) make a 5 hour round trip for a couple of hours b) find a b&b to stay in nearby or c) wait a few weeks when they may be able to stay longer/stay with you
I'm sorry but as a mother of two young children, I just don't agree that everything should be dictated to by the woman who has given birth. Yes some births are traumatic and in those circumstances it is reasonable to ask for a bit of extra time (I.e a day or two to recover with no visitors) . it's also reasonable to ask for the first day to be about the nuclear family bonding and no-one else visiting but asking key family members to say away for weeks?? I expect becoming a grandparent is 2nd only to becoming a parent and would be mortified if I were stopped from seeing my DGC for even a few weeks.
I'd say anybody still in significant pain or discomfort after a week has some kind of wound infection. Yes all experiences are different but the body heals remarkably well and one week PP the initial pain should have subsided. Although my recovery was longer and more painful after labour and EMCS.
I don't think that OP has said anywhere how long the mil wanted to visit for? I think the suggestion of one hour comes from the fact that the mum visited for one hour, and a few posters have suggested that a short visit has also been suggested for mil.
In normal circumstances I would agree to have visitors as soon as possible and make sure both sides can meet the baby, and to be as considerate as possible about people's excitement.
However when someone just feels like they need a bit of time for physical or emotional reasons, I think it's pretty childish to demand that everyone is treated exactly the same otherwise it's just it fair. It's a few weeks and the grandparents are adults who should be able to put their understandable disappointment aside.
Same here bottleof beer. Recovery was alot worse for me after long labour and EMCS. Not as bad after planned csect with dc2, but i also had knowledge on how to look after baby, use the sterliser, wash the bottles, deal with crying/meds to take after not pooing for few days etc. Everything was a breeze second time round. I was a Mummy Jedi !
First baby, and i was a complete and utter mess ........for months.
Jeez,let Grannie visit the wean for an hour while your Mum sits upstairs and looks after you.
Then send them both packing on the next bus out of town.
Awww you are being v u.
The granny has to be allowed to see the baby!
Do what you want and stick to it.
You set the ground-rules now, or you will regret it later.
Grannies are the devil incarnate,do not let them anywhere near the poor darling babby.
Grannie will feed the baby froot shoots and Greggs sausage rolls before it gets it's fist sip of breast milk.
There's a balance between setting ground rules and disregarding everyone's else's feelings
If i have to wait a fortnight before i am allowed to see my DGC i will be very sad,i will feel unnecessary and unwanted and i expect i will probably just leave them to it.
Not being funny, but is this a class thing? Come from a WC town where all family usually live nearby. This would be unheard of, family would be so involved.
Yes, trackies. I don't think you ever really recover full feeling (like any scar I suppose) which makes recovery from subsequent sections a little easier. You just physically can't feel it as much!
If i have to wait fortnight to see my DGC, i will accept it, give them the space that they need (cos i will remember how i felt) and then go round when they are comfortable. Otherwise, i am setting self up for a power struggle with my DIL, and the only loser will be me !
BegoniaBampot Sounds like it.
I was gagging for my family to visit and DD wasn't an easy birth but what first baby is?
I'd be looking for them to be doing the cleaning and cooking and stuff.
Poor old Grannie.
As a mum of 2 boys threads like this make me so sad. If and when my two have babies I shall be so upset if I am not allowed to see them as newborns.
When DS1 was born, after a very long labour and ventouse delivery, I travelled 190 miles when he was 8 days old to MIL's house so all of DH's family could meet him. His Grandparents were very elderly and couldn't travel so we went to them. We stayed for 3 nights, then travelled back via my Gran's because my grandfather had died 5 days previously. A few days later we travelled the 70 miles to my gramp's funeral.
I wouldn't have dreamt have not letting family, or close friends, meet either of my newborns in the early days.
This thread makes me very grateful for my lovely sisters in law who, whatever their private feelings, didn't hurt my Mam like this when the little ones were born. She would have been devistated.
reelingintheyears "I'd be looking for them to be doing the cleaning and cooking and stuff." None of my inlaws or family (apart from my Mum) did this. Infact, FIL asked me to make him a sandwich. Are you saying that your visitors cleaned and cooked etc ?
Lovely sensitive post ApocolypseThen
Dang right they did Trackies.
I milked it (the situation aswell as the baby)
But i did let them all get on with it,i didn't offer to make coffee or stuff,just pointed them in the direction of the fridge and the oover.
What a lovely thread OP had a baby less than a week ago, and she's been called selfish, unreasonable, horrible, over thinking, precious, controlling and demanding.
She's been told shes a princess, that she has to suck it up, that she can't be feeling that bad after a c section and given a list of all the ways that other mothers coped so much better than her
I think that's pretty disgusting. Since when did new mother wear "kick me" signs? She could be right in the middle of the 5 day 'blues' for all we know. How shit must she feel now?
I hope to God OP hid this thread after her last post. This is a fucking disgrace.
reelingintheyears good for you ! I told FIL that if he want a sandwich maybe he could go to shops and get some for us. He ignored me, and proceeded to wait for DH to make his lunch and cups of tea.
LtEveDallas i quite agree. If she said she had baby blues or PND would they all say the same and tell her she is being precious ?
I can really see why MIL's sometimes don't get on with DIL's, if this is the way people think.
have to agree there have been some disgusting comments lobbed in the direction of the OP, who, unsurprisingly, hasn't returned and is probably in tears by now. Hope you're all proud of your superior, smug selves.
Newsflash: NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME.
I think people have been quite polite actually given AIBU reputation which the OP probably is very aware of.
Well he sounds very rude trackies,i would have let him go hungry and thirsty.
I know what you're all saying but i just think it wouldn't hurt in this case to let the Grannie visit for a few hours,it's not like she's moving in.
The SiL could have worded her text better but in the end the OPs Mum would love to see her DSs newborn,tey don't stay newborn for long.
The SiL could have offered to drive Grannie down and then take her home again...who knows.
NEWSFLASH the OP has asked if she's being unreasonable.
People have answered her question. Most have done so politely.
Sorry I think yabu to have your mum visit but not your MIL who is also a grandparent to that baby. I'm closer to my mum and could have probably not been bothered playing nice with mil when I first had DS but I did because its what you do. Ask her round but set the expectation that it's a short visit first time.
Oh and enjoy your baby
And actually, my PIL's came to visit and were the first family to see our firstborn. They also have been on several holidays with us and we have spent more quality family time with them. It's not obligatory to hate your inlaws.
and some have done so pretty fucking nastily, without having anything like all the facts from the OP, who, as I said hasn't returned. I know this is AIBU but the lack of support for a new mother from other mothers is awful. How hateful some of you are.
reelingintheyears he is rude yes. I wanted to leave him thirsty and hungry but DH couldn't.
I can see your point too. It was just handled badly by SIL and her texting about MIL should not have to make an appointment. It would have been more helpful if she'd offered to bring her over for an hour, rather than turning it into a fight.
YANBU at all. You are not being precious by asking for recovery time in the way you feel comfortable with, in fact I think for other people to try and guilt you during this time are being precious themselves and only putting themselves first whether they realise it or not.
A lot of people seem to forget how you feel after giving birth. I also don't agree with comments saying you can't allow your mum there for an hour but refuse your husband's mum. Some in-laws can be hard work and need to be entertained. You might be learning to breastfeed and maybe not feel like getting dressed either! Your don't feel as self conscious with your own mum.
As you say if she lives far away you'd either feel bad for only having a short visit or the other possibility is you can't get rid! A couple of weeks isn't much - explain politely and then don't worry about it. If you feel comfortable to have more visitors before then you can always change your mind but go with how you feel at the minute and try not to feel guilty. You don't need extra hassle so don't lament over it too much
Begonia you are lucky to have some inlaws that you get on with.
Haven't read all comments but I can understand where you are coming from OP. I also had a unexpected section with my first and would have preferred my in-laws didn't visit for a bit but I wouldn't have asked them to stay away from meeting their grandchild.
I think it would have been better to let her come, with the caveat that you're not up to long visits. It's understandable that she feels hurt and rejected by this, and to be fair it doesn't sound as though she was going to call you on it.
SIL is BU, it's understandable that she is upset with your decision but you've just had a baby and can do without the upset. Your hubby was also BU, why did he show you the text? He needn't have.
Am I lucky? Or does Mnet just give a skewed opinion on inlaws. Know very few folk including family and friends who have the sort if terrible issues with inlaws that you read about day in and day out on Mn. Makes me wonder where the problem often lies TBH.
I've not seen anybody say how much better they did? how could any of us possibly know anyway? she might be supermum for all we know. Handling things differently doesn't make anybody better or worse. I've got a friend who pops one out and six hours later is in jeans doing the school run. I liked to play the dying swan. Doesn't make her any better, just different.
Really ? i know quite a few friends / family who have inlaws issues.
These threads always make me sad
I love my dm, I also love my mil so know how a good mil dil relationship works
I have 3 sons though so I am bound to end up getting hurt aren't I
No Gibber, I think this might just be a MN thing tbh. It becomes so ingrained that after you have a baby everyone has to completely defer to you on everything; after all you have just had a baby. Sensitivity? of course. Expecting everyone to walk on eggshells? a bit entitled.
I honestly have never head of this stuff happening in real life.
I do feel for the new father's in these situations. You know when you love someone and see them in pain and you just want to take it away from them even if it means doing it yourself? well they've just been through that. It's too often only seen as a physical thing but I remember my husband as I was in recovery with tears streaming down his face because he was torn between fear and relief. If he wanted his parent's support at that time who the hell am I to prevent that?
Sorry, I'm being hateful again
There's no mention in the OP of the DH here feeling the same way your DP did. It sounds as though he supports OP in this, although I might have it wrong.
In real life I've had a few friends who've had a tough time asking for a little bit of space. Didn't cause a problem because the grandparents were big enough not to want to put their feelings first.
Brand new babies are incredibly adorable . There is something that is so totally amazing about them. I would love to see any of my DC's babies as soon as possible but I know that it may not happen like that.
<<not that helpful>>
But the new father rarely gets a mention anyway.
It's always "it's your time, your baby, do what's best for you" but there usually is another new parent too isn't there?
I think after looking at this again that the point is the op knows she is excluding the mil, and maybe is feeling a tad guilty. I would be gutted if I hadn't seen my grandson when he was tiny and newborn. I shall also now be thanking my lucky stars tht I have a lovely dil. Not all of us mil types are evil bitches. It seems to me that on here is all oh it's your baby hon, do it your way hon. The husband did have a part to play here and it's his family who want to see the baby.
I think the thing that depresses most about these threads is the number of people who seem to regard the new mother as some kind of baby vending machine, which is not fairly dispensing paid-for goods if they don't have the baby available for inspection at all times.
New mothers are not robots , or mechanical incubators - they are real people , with their own medical issues (perhaps PND, or birth trauma ) . Sometimes they need some help to recover from a pretty undignified and painful event from someone they trust and know well, such as their own mother. I'd feel pretty hurt if family members ignored me and trampled over my medical needs in a bid to call first dibs on the baby.
In this case I think the best thing would be to arrange for MiL to visit for an hour or so, ideally with SIL driving MIL about.
90% of these threads wouldn't be written if the grandparent was the type who made it clear that they'd be willing to do a big round trip for a short visit, come with some meals for the freezer and generally keep it low key.
Lots of these grandparents had babies in the days when you got at least two or three days and often a weekbin hospital (my own mother had a week - despite an easy birth - in the 80s, which is unheard of now). You could get the initial visit done in an environment where the new mother was protected by visitor numbers, limited hours and not being in a position to have to make the tea or feel like you'd need to get things tidy.
For what its worth my maternal grandmother saw me immediately. We never had much of a relationship. The other one, for various reasons, didn't see me until I was six weeks old, because she was abroad at first and then my mother felt hugely reclusive with difficulties breast feeding, infected vaginal stitches, etc. She never held it against mum and we had a brilliant relationship, one of the closest of my life. The newborn cuddles are lovely but in the grand scheme of things they are a tiny tiny part of the bond.
I would be beyond devastated if I weren't allowed to see my grandchild for several weeks.
I can't see where the MIL in the OP has done anything wrong? She hasn't shown up at the hospital demanding entrance, she isn't camped on the doorstep with a years supply of luggage. She isn't even ringing up demanding a visit. All she has done is expressed to her own daughter that she is disappointed not to have been allowed to see her grandchild. Perfectly human reaction.
I've really never heard of anyone in real life restricting access so much for immediate family. I wonder if they'll turn around in a few years time wondering where their village is?
"I do feel for the new father's in these situations. You know when you love someone and see them in pain and you just want to take it away from them even if it means doing it yourself? well they've just been through that. It's too often only seen as a physical thing but I remember my husband as I was in recovery with tears streaming down his face because he was torn between fear and relief. If he wanted his parent's support at that time who the hell am I to prevent that?"
Also my DH was so proud and delighted he wanted to show off both DD and me to his parents. That was nice actually, it felt good.
These threads make me terribly sad and I agree with MidniteScribbler - MIL hasn't done anything wrong, merely told her DD that she is sad to be excluded. If you are going to police visitors then I think that you need to be fair and not start by having a 'first' class and 'second' class grandmother. Why not just point out that you want a short visit and leave it up to her to decide whether it is worth it? I would certainly do a 5 hour round trip to see a new grandchild. They change so quickly in just a few weeks.
And a bit precious
No one expects you to be up doing a jig after having a baby but not letting your DH's mum meet his first born is a bit harsh.
Having a DS Im well prepared to be shut out of his life after seeing all the negative MIL threads on mumsnet
this thread is further proof that: whatever the MIL does is wrong.
too interested in the child
not interested enough in the child
interested in the wrong way
OP not letting your MIL see her DGC, is just the first of many things you will do to make it very obvious to your MIL she is the second class grandmother and your DHs family come second to yours.
MIL hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but OP hasn't either.
My husband made a good point after I had first baby - if you sustained the same injuries (some mums are luckier than others in that way) people would be a lot more sympathetic towards you lol! I understand wanting to see a new baby but I also understand feeling like a pile of shite and that some visitors might be more helpful and less of a "chore" than others
My mil would come and see me if I had had any other major op too.
She would turn up bearing my favourite drink, fruit, chocolates, and her credit card details so that I could watch tv (and various other presents)
I know this because I had a crash section with prem dd and she did just that. She didn't even come to see dd because she couldn't.
Perhaps mil cares about dil too and wants to know with her own eyes all is ok.
This is the whole thing though-seeing MIL shouldn't be a chore as her son is there & she wants to see the baby.
It shouldn't have any impact on OP beyond whatever input she wishes to give.
My MIl rocked up in the recovery room after I'd had my C-Section
Let her come, set a time frame, and consider that one day, you might be a Mil yourself to this little one. How would you feel then?
It's probably causing you more stress batting her off, bite the bullet and invite her over
What is it with people waiting so long before having visitors? I don't know anyone IRL who did this either.
I do not understand. How bloody hard is it to have visitors. You don't have to entertain them, you can have a bath, get on with something or just sit on the couch and relax. Where is the hardship? It isn't like having a visitor for 30 minutes is that hard work.
Oh My Word!
Let Granny see the baby!
Let her bring a gift and take some photos!
In a few weeks your baby won't look like this any longer...
Butch - don't worry, you won't be shut out of DS's life/wife if you try to be an understanding MIL. I've been lucky to have a MiL who loves me, albeit who nonetheless pisses me off half the time. I've tried to note what she does right and what she does wrong so I can be a better MiL to my future DiLs.
Lesson one: don't treat them merely as incubators.
Yes, they have produced an adorable baby you want to see and bond with. Yes, in three weeks' time the baby will have changed. But the DiL may also be going through the most emotional and important month of their lives and should be allowed to manage that as they wish.
Oh and: 'If you are going to police visitors then I think that you need to be fair and not start by having a 'first' class and 'second' class grandmother'. This shouldn't be about grandmothers or about the baby. The mother is the individual who should come first. During pregnancy, childbirth and recovery. Childbirth is first and foremost an intimate and personal event, not a social occasion where women should feel the need to bend under family/peer pressure.
To say that a visit won't impact on the OP is unrealistic. If she, in her head, has an issue about it, then it is impacting her. She should be thinking solely about her baby, DP, and their new family unit.
Oh, and the MiL in this case is probably lovely and reasonable and yes, perhaps wants to see how DiL is doing. Makes no difference. As people have pointed out, all she's done is complain to her daughter which is fine. It's the silly SiL who is kicking up a fuss - she should have some sympathy and be a mediator instead of a troublemaker.
Sorry YABU, she should be able to visit and your SIL told you she was upset in a non-intrusive way. It takes ages to get the hang of feeding btw, start on the right foot and apologise, say she'd caught you at a bad time and that of course she can come but not to expect a lot from you! X
I think if OP has dealt with loss of a parent and the arrival of pfb in a short time frame, she may not be firing on all cylinders.
SIL may have overstepped the mark. MIL herself hasn't been badgering. If you feel up to it OP perhaps you'll feel ready shortly - maybe this weekend DH can fix up something soon.
From what the OP says she actually sounds as if she is being considerate in not wanting to have someone come all that way for an hour as she would feel bad (be made to feel bad?) about asking them to leave.
She also mentioned that this person is someone she doesn't normally feel comfortable around for whatever reason so it isnt just the MIL being treated differently because she's the MIL.
Why are you all still posting when the OP was frightened off her own thread at 1630 yesterday?
Why are you continuing to badger an OP who is:
A new mother (of ONE week)
Who had a C Section for medical reasons.
Who has only ever posted on ante-natal threads and in the last few weeks has been posting about how scared she is.
Already feeling low
Who is trying to get the hang of breastfeeding
Feeling emotionally blackmailed
Is tired, emotional, sore and sensitive
Whose own motber only visited to AN HOUR whilst OP was STILL IN HOSPITAL and doesn't live OVER 2 HOURS AWAY
Who says quite clearly that My mum visited because she is local and I felt comfortable being basically half naked, in pain and in hospital in front of her NOT that her mother is more "entitled" to see her GC than her MIL.
Who lost her own father recently.
Hasn't asked her MIL not to come, has just asked her to wait a short while
For all of you that would be terribly sad and devastated why aren't you putting the new mother first - didn't people put you first? Is that why you feel the need to belittle someone who is not coping as well as you did?
I hope op is ok, it can be very overwhelming being a new mother and in a time where there should be celebration it is sad that mil has took it upon herself to make it all about her.
Due to living 2hrs away, as op has said in her thread she would have to put her up, at present this wouldn't work as they don't have the room.
Breastfeeding etc isn't helped by having having over night guests cramping mothers space and intruding in a time she should be with her partner.
Her dm lives near by, so it was no problem having her visit as she can go home afterwards. Mil shouldn't be jealous of this, she chose to live over 2hrs away. If mil was upset she should have broached it with her son, not sil who should be minding her own business.
I don't understand all this desperate behaviour around seeing newborns, it should be mum reaping the rewards, not a family & friends free for all!
Pumpkin - that is how you see it. For many people it is very different and a time to share with your family. I had no family to visit with my first as they lived a long way off and they would have had to stay over a few days which I didn't want to deal with in the first week. Would have loved all my family to be able to pop round to the hospital or come to my house for an hour or so to see the new baby as was the case with almost everyone I know who have family nearby.
I really don't understand why folk think it is strange for family and friends to be desperate to see a new addition to the family unless there are serious issues going on.
I asked earlier if it was a class thing or perhaps cultural.
excellent post LtEveDallas.
Devasted - I ask you. I would be devasted if DH or DD was knocked down by a car and died. Not because I might have to wait a couple of weeks to see a baby. I might be surprised, or even disappointed, but devasted? What a ludicrous over-reaction, and talk about piling the pressure on to the OP. And I would hope that I would be considerate enough to make it clear that I would be happy to come when both parenst felt ready for visitors, and for as little time as they felt able to cope with.
And I say this as someone who gets on with her MIL very well and is always happy to see her.
But in a situation where the visit is going to last more than a few hours is very different from a family member that just pops by for an hour.
Thank you MrsOakenshield.
As I said before my Parents and PIL didn't get to see my 'newborn' until she was 8/9 weeks. In fact NO-ONE but DH and I and hospital staff saw her for the first 4 weeks.
No-one was "devastated" and when they finally saw her, she was still a 'newborn' to them, just a newborn that had a mum and dad who had adjusted to the incredible non-sleeping child, sucessfully established breastfeeding, had recovered from a horrible birth and copious amounts of surgery and were getting back on their feet instead of feeling overwhelmed.
I was obviously very very lucky that I have a wonderful MIL and Mum.
Right, so thanks for all your comments! I concluded that I'm being a bit unreasonable. DH incidentally was very supportive of my position. He has pretty much estranged himself from his family and ironically I'm the one that generally encourages contact!
So I emailed lots of photos- turns out she hadn't seem any which must have been awful and DH should have sent some. I spoke to SIL and said I took her point though her method of delivery was a bit off. MIL is coming for a short visit on Saturday now and seems happy.
I absolutely don't want to play favourites between grandparents but it does seem inevitable when one lives close that one will get more contact time. When DH goes back to work I'm likely to drive to my mum but not make the five hour trip to his as much.
I was amused by everyone who said 'cant she just come and sit on the sofa'. This would be fine if I hadn't snapped it with my massive pregnant bulk:-)
Sounds like a good compromise Sarah - hope you enjoy your baby!
Well done, that sounds like the perfect resolution!
Enjoy your new bundle.
Sarah, I think you've sorted it out very well. Your DH plays a part here and he will have to deal with his family more, it can't just fall to you.
Hope you are recovering well and enjoy your DD.
I hope you are feeling better Sarah and that you are getting the hang of BFing. I'm very glad you have the support of your DH, and that you had the strength to tell your SIL off
I hope it all goes well, and your recovery is fast.
(and no, 5 hours is NOT a good drive with a newborn, for you or her)
Sounds like you've made plenty of effort to accomodate. I have a similar situation where I think my in-laws feel I'm behind the fact they don't see as much of us as they want - when actually it's my husband who can never be bothered answering the phone to them and me saying he really should give them a call back... ;)
Yeah that's pretty much it. He is the oldest of six and felt like his parents had no time for him as all the others came along and so left twenty years ago and now has only sporadic contact. I do feel bad but it can't be my job to repair this when he's quite happy with it. It doesn't help that all the other siblings live close to their parents and we are the only ones who live a way away. MIL would obviously like to see as much of my DD as she sees of her other GC - three times a week if not more- but that's just not going to happen!
I always think its refreshing when people are mature enough to compromise in situations rather than going off on one. Good luck OP, sounds like its all worked out in the end.
I don't think you are bu.
I had ds by emcs, he was prem and very poorly. My parents came to the hospital for a visit, ( they were also dropping dd back off ) but I refused to allow pil near until we were back at home, I had rested for a week and was comfortable seeing them.
It's my house as I had a shocking recovery. Dp was fully supportive of me. They may not have liked it but tbf I dont like them so hey ho.
It's your choice op
Sorry not sure what happened there. Sounds like a good outcome. No wonder she was having a moan if your DH hadn't even managed to send a photo! Hope the visit goes well. We're one grandparent lives close and the DCs seem to love them both equally.
Ah well if husband has just about estranged himself, I think that puts quite a different light on it tbh.
I'd be leaving it to him to sort out!
You never know, MIL may be looking to the birth of this grandchild as a means to improve her relationship with her son. My MIL certainly did, with limited success.
I think you handled that really well OP. You have
hopefully diffused a family drama
Hope everything goes well
Good outcome OP. Feel free to use hormones as an excuse to slap your DH upside the head for not sending his mother any pictures.
Good one OP. hope the visit goes well. MIL must be so giddy with excitement.
Our families don't live close and MIL has a grandchild who lives with her 2 days a week so it's easy to feel distant. But I email lots of photos which I think helps us all feel a little closer.
Good luck Op. Enjoy your new baby and well done on the compromise, and having a what to your SIL about her text.
Most importantly, take it easy (well as easy as you can with a newborn) and enjoy your new baby
Good comprimise op.
And I didnt think you did anything wrong.
I think it is reasonable to see some visitors and make others wait after a birth that involves a lot of recovery, depending on how you feel and how practical it is.
First time after my emergency CS, DH did a round trip of the 45min journey to pick my Grandma-mum up to see us in hospital. My mother had to wait until about 10 days when I could cope with sitting around on a sofa. I didn't want her to make a 400 mile trip for her to find me napping for most of it. I couldn't have coped with her staying as our relationship is a little sensitive. MiL came over from Ireland at 3wks and stayed over.
This time BiL came over at 2 days when I came home from hospital (it was supposed to be in hospital, but I went home earlier than expected). I didn't see him as I slept through the whole visit! My early guests needed to be hard to offend and local enough for a short visit to be worthwhile. (I was still poor company after my VBAC, infact the 3rd degree tear was more painful, and sitting on the sofa was tortuous!)
Glad it's sorted.
Glad it is all sorted-no wonder she was sad if she didn't even have a photo!
Well done Sarah and I am glad you took this AIBU so well I think I would have been in tears reading these responses after I had my first as I was all over the place. My inlaws came to see me every night and often during the day when my first was born and it was completely overwhelming so there is definitely a balance to be struck. That said I absolutely loved how excited they were to meet my baby (and all subsequent babies) you cannot pay a price for those moments. I hope that you and your mil enjoy her first visit. Well done n SIL too i future she might pick up the phone and make the call before she tries any thing lie that again.
For what it's worth I didn't think YWBU but well done on reaching a compromise! I would have more of a problem with SIL interfering, we had something similar with BIL sending DH an angry text when MIL was coming to meet DD, because MIL had to stop in a hotel (we have one bed). BIL then spent an angry drunken hour ranting at DH on the telephone that MIL should have our bed, and we should sleep on the sofa & floor with our tiny 6 week old* baby. Turns out that BIL has other things going on in his life that explain his behaviour even if they don't excuse it - maybe it's the same for your SIL?
*Yes, MIL didn't meet DD till DD was 6 weeks old, she lives 5 hours away. (FIL didn't meet her until she was 8 months, because their dog was more important - but that's a whole other thread!) My DPs met her at 4 weeks, my DSis at 13 days, My Dbro when DD was 4 days old. You know what? No one died. Everyone gets on fine. DD's relationships with these people will be fine!
I think you are being very unreasonable.
can she not come and stay and help out for a few days? She might really want to and she might be really useful and helpful
It's your choice but if I let one grandparent see baby and not the other, it would look like I am playing favourites. get your DH to explain your situation to his mum. I know that my mum would drive 2.5 hours for 5 minutes with a new grandchild. Perhaps you shouldn't concentrate on the distance, just give her the option. Sil should but out.
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