To tell my "friend" to piss off

(201 Posts)
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 13-Jun-13 13:43:26

I lost a fair bit of weight a few years ago (40lbs) and I have a friend, who I met as I was losing the weight, who seemingly has to remind me of how big I was (size 16), particularly that I was big on my wedding day. I don't understand why she has to bring it up all the time, particularly when she is substantially bigger than I am yet I wouldn't dream of calling her fat. Her most recent comment, looking at a picture of said wedding day, was that my tummy stuck out far farther than my boobs (it didn't). I just don't understand it.

She also criticises my grammar, which I think is normally quite good, today accusing me of corporate speak. Who fucking cares if I said something she deems "corporate" (evidently me).

WIBU to tell her to fuck off? She's not being particularly kind, which makes me feel shit, and she is currently staying with me (rent free) at weekends so she can keep her job in our city having moved hundreds of miles away to save money.

bettycocker Thu 13-Jun-13 13:45:39

She sounds pretty unpleasant. I would only say things like that to someone if I really wanted to piss them off. Fuck off might be a bit harsh, but you could tell her that you're no longer able to accomodate her. YANBU btw. It sounds as though you don't like her.

Arabesque Thu 13-Jun-13 13:45:49

It sounds as if she's a bit jealous. YANBU.

YANBU to tell her to fuck of. She's clearly jealous, and not happy about her own weight. She's trying to bring you down. Kick her out. She's doesn't deserve your friendship.

FannyFifer Thu 13-Jun-13 13:48:00

Think it calls for the Mumsnet stock phrase of "do you mean to sound so rude"?

Please tell her to piss off. She sounds spiteful

tripecity Thu 13-Jun-13 13:48:37

I would tell her to shit off. How rude! Shes just jealous

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 13-Jun-13 13:48:57

I don't like her right now, betty though we usually get along quite well. I'm smarting a lot over the fat comments and the picking on my grammar today tipped me over the edge.

I just feel a bit used - both for the accommodation and as a target to pick on to boost herself a bit. Probably being over sensitive but it has made me feel shit today.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 13-Jun-13 13:49:12

Sounds like she's projecting her own insecurities onto you. Why be friends with someone who treats you like shut and takes advantage of you though? Dump her.

cuteboots Thu 13-Jun-13 13:49:39

life is fat too short to put up with people like this. Only mix with people who make you feel good about yourself. I agree with Arabesque as she does sound very jealous...

TobyLerone Thu 13-Jun-13 13:49:50

She sounds horrible. YANBU.

Definitely tell her to fuck off. If I were living with someone rent-free every weekend I would be on my absolute best behaviour, bringing them a bottle of wine/bunch of flowers etc and helping out where possible, not insulting them!

defineme Thu 13-Jun-13 13:52:33

I think she needs to leave your house.

Have a chat first if you want to do the honourable thing, but she's not being kind or polite and so isn't a friend.

rockybalboa Thu 13-Jun-13 13:53:36

Absolutely tell her to fuck off. For starters tell her that unfortunately you can no longer accommodate her at weekends and she'll have to make other arrangements. I wouldn't pick her up on the generally rudeness until after she's gone but YANBU at all to say something afetrwards. What a bitch.

Scruffey Thu 13-Jun-13 13:55:18

Chuck her out, she sounds nasty!

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 13:55:29

what is the corporate speak for "fuck off"? grin

just give her that..

MamaChubbyLegs Thu 13-Jun-13 13:55:50

She sounds like she's taking you for granted. Say something to her! It might make things uncomfortable and kick her into looking for a hotel for the weekend or it might make her rethink how she treats you. Perhaps she doesn't realise that what she says hurts you. She won't unless you say something.

If she's a good friend, she'll apologise. If she doesn't apologise, ywnbu to give her a list of local b'n'bs and tell her to piss off get on her way wink

Solo Thu 13-Jun-13 13:56:18

My two best friends at school were always bigger than me (by a long way). We are still friends and the same (weight) still applies, but I wouldn't dream of being offensive to them about it and never have!
I'd be packing your 'friends' belongings and de friending her from my life!

Mollydoggerson Thu 13-Jun-13 13:56:56

She sounds very insecure.

First and foremost you have to look out for yourself, so I think it is fair for you to say that you'ld like to get your house back to yourself and could she start looking for weekend accommodation elsewhere.

If you don't want that confrontation then tell her your cousins/friends/colleagues will need accommodation in two weeks time so she wont be able to kip at yours from July on.

Fenton Thu 13-Jun-13 13:57:01

You need to get yourself a (fictitious) lodger because you could do with the money. This serves two purposes, gets her out of your house and lets her know what a sponger she has been.

As for the rest of it, - yes, jealousy I think, so don't give it headroom, or her houseroom.

She's jealous of your weight loss and probably jealous of you overall.

Give her a week's notice and tell her to find alternative accommodation, she doesn't deserve your friendship.

Pancakeflipper Thu 13-Jun-13 13:58:02

She is jealous and it makes her feel better to drag you down . Either tell her straight or have a ready witty quip or defriend.

ChuffMuffin Thu 13-Jun-13 14:00:51

What the fuck does she want you to do about your past weight, build a time machine? hmm. Definitely agree she is jealous. And she stays with you at the weekends for free? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you, what the hell is wrong with her?

BrianTheMole Thu 13-Jun-13 14:01:44

She's trying to blow your candle out to make her own burn brighter. She's jealous. And insecure. Ask her straight why she's doing it.

KeatsiePie Thu 13-Jun-13 14:02:12

Probably being over sensitive

You are NOT. It is completely insanely mean to tell a friend, unsolicited, for no reason, that she looked fat on her wedding day. What the fuck?! She sounds awful. Get her out.

Tell her that firmwide housewide personnel evaluations indicate that her performance has shown a poor ROI, which has led to a reorganization of your hospitality department and now most unfortunately she has been made redundant. Give her five minutes to pack up her things and escort her to the door.

diddl Thu 13-Jun-13 14:08:00

She's a nasty user.

Get rid!

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 13-Jun-13 14:12:38

Get rid of her. You're being used. She sounds appalling.

Don't feel bad - you're not being over-sensitive.

Eject!

Corporate Speak
I'm sorry but due to reprioritising our non essential assets storage to better optimise the use of functional space we find that we have repurposed redundent space to ensure it is now fully utilised rather than 28% of the time and therefore can no longer make said repurposed space available. You have struggled to adapt to my rebalancing programme and so I find our mission statements no longer align.

Plain English
Fuck off we want to fill our spare room with junk rather than have you here any longer. Frankly, I'm pissed off about you harping on about my previous weight rather than being pleased for me about my weight loss.

Call her on it. Next time she makes an off the cuff comment stop dead whatever you're doing, look at her unsmilingly and demand an explanation. In the meantime write down all the things you do that make her life easier (accommodation, food, lifts, favours, money, shopping, evenings out etc etc) and all the snide things she has said to you and have it ready for when you confront her. (you might lose your nerve or your memory will let you down when you tackle her) Show her all the things she risks losing if she carries this behaviour on.
1 She'll be shocked at just how much you do for her and what her behaviour will cost her.
2 The fact you had a list prepared shows her you have been mulling this over, its not a flash in the pan temper tantrum and you mean business.

SvetlanaKirilenko Thu 13-Jun-13 14:18:00

I agree with all on here, YANBU and she is nasty and jealous - and she is using you.

Losing weight (well done!) can bring out the worst in some people. Tell her to leave your house and when she's safely out, then tell her to piss off.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 13-Jun-13 14:27:03

I know I should call her on it but I hate confrontation. Love the corporate explanations of why she's not welcome though!

I did challenge her on the wedding photo thing and she insisted she was right. Was very hurtful.

I just emailed DH about it and he said he's peed off she never contributes, so it's not just me. I know she earns a lot less than us so don't expect her to pay her way but she just never puts her hand in her pocket.

I think I'll go and examine the mug sign on my forehead in the mirror for a while and ponder how to get the keys back from her before telling her not to darken my doorstep again.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 13-Jun-13 14:32:00

She isn't your friend.

Once you accept that, you will no longer be afraid to tell her to piss off.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 13-Jun-13 14:35:31

Agree with Hecsy. She isn't your friend, she doesn't care about your feelings. Plus, she's using you. Because you're letting her.

She'll find another mug to utilise and undermine, make no mistake!

Stay strong. Tell her she cant stay this weekend (lie and say guests if you want to) and then email her and tell her why she won't be returning. If you're really too freaked out by a face to face confrontation that's okay.

Good luck.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 13-Jun-13 14:36:38

Btw don't mean to call you a mug; that's obviously how she views you though. You sound like a nice friend who's surprised at the dreadful behaviour you've encountered.

aquashiv Thu 13-Jun-13 14:43:15

Of course she is jealous. You need to ask for a financial contribution. I would load said payment - call it a tolerance subsidy or a weekend rate pro rata it down.

If she cant pay then she can no longer stay.

I had a friend like this. I say friend. Bully is more accurate. They count on your silence and the fact that you won't stand up to her. Well why not give her the shock of her life by putting yourself (and dh) first. End the free ride now. End the silence. End the bullying.

Next time she comments on your past weight just respond with "yes and I look even more gorgeous now!" Helps if you strike a pose whilst you say it.

Ah... thread has moved on slightly... blush

I was told by my bigger friend "Ooh don't go losing too much weight, it won't suit you, its dangerous, you look just right now... blah blah blah..." I said "For fuck sake I was over 20 stone. Pull the other one will ya?" grin

crumblepie Thu 13-Jun-13 15:06:35

sounds like she is using you for a free place to stay at weekends , and her constant put downs are to make her feel better about herself,tell her she cant stay anymore and i bet you dont hear from her again .

I too hate confrontation, unless I am in full blown anger mode.

Get your DH to do it grin

SayMama Thu 13-Jun-13 15:11:27

Please don't be bullied by her! Say something!

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 13-Jun-13 15:23:17

I will. I just have to work up the nerve to do it. She will be here this afternoon - am tempted to go out - and stays until Saturday morning. I think I have to wait until Saturday morning or the stay will be even more excruciating. I think I'll just say that it won't work out with her staying here and get my keys back, then leave her to work out the rest. I can't be bothered with a confrontation where she will either deny or claim she was joking and that I have no sense of humour about being called a fat bride.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 13-Jun-13 15:29:38

Or can I just text her?

Bobyan Thu 13-Jun-13 15:33:36

Text her, text her!

"soz u piss me off. Don't come back. Cu 8er"

ImperialBlether Thu 13-Jun-13 15:36:03

I would let her stay this time but go out with your DH tonight and tomorrow night. Then on Saturday, after she's gone, send her an email telling her you won't be able to put her up in future so she'll need to make other arrangements. Say that she has been really rude about your weight and that you are shocked she has been so insensitive, given it is clearly an issue for her, too. Also, your husband has asked why she is so mean with money when you are both doing her a big favour in letting her stay.

You may get one nasty email back - let your husband respond to it. If he does a good enough job, you won't hear from her again.

Nobody would say things like that about me and not live to regret it!

minouminou Thu 13-Jun-13 15:39:54

Why would you laugh over her wedding day comments? It was one of the biggest days of your life and she's trying to make out that you looked terrible on it....to taint your memory of it.

Ok, so you lost weight, and might look and feel better now, but that doesn't mean you looked bad then. No-one should diss a bride's photo, and no-one should repeatedly go on about how FAT you were THEN. If they want to comment at all, it should be how GREAT you look NOW!

Get rid. Just tell her the arrangement isn't working and she should find an alternative. It's a stressful enough situation anyway, without this cowbag imposing her bile on you, time after time.

minouminou Thu 13-Jun-13 15:41:40

Just re-read....size 16 isn't even that bloody big. Find it hard to believe that your stomach stuck out further than your boobs at size 16.
Twat.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 13-Jun-13 15:46:20

"Only mix with people who make you feel good about yourself"

Yes, that's the beginning and end of it, for me cuteboots

I'd give her a chance - ask her assertively why she is being so rude. If you get anything less than an abject apology, disengage

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 13-Jun-13 15:47:27

minouminou that's exactly what it does. I know I'm slimmer now, and look better but I didn't look bad then, just bigger. Today I'm looking at my pictures with a feeling of sadness.

Now I'm dwelling thinking about it, there have been loads of other snide comments asides - about my hair or what someone said about me behind my back, at how she would do something in a different and therefore superior way to me.

It's a real penny dropping day.

We're out tonight, and tomorrow may see friends overnight. I'll make sure she knows she won't be homeless this weekend but that she needs to return the keys and not come back. Growing balls as we speak!

You have my sympathies OP flowers

My sister was always thinner than me growing up, and even though I've put weight on slowly (well until recently) she ballooned a few years ago. I never dreamed of saying anything. At my biggest recently I was still never as big as she was. Yet following a breakup she shed a load of weight and is now back to very slim. The bile she spouted towards me and my parents and our 'weight' issues was horrific. It was made to sound like we're all morbidly obese, which none of us were (and my poor mum only has weight on her thanks to her medications, and she's depressed about it anyway).

I really don't understand some people.

fromparistoberlin Thu 13-Jun-13 15:48:32

yessssss

Boot her out and use your DH to help you

scarletforya Thu 13-Jun-13 15:48:40

Change the locks and leave her stuff in a bin liner in the front garden. Horrible, freeloading cow woman.

ginslinger Thu 13-Jun-13 15:53:26

she's a nasty, unappreciative woman. Get rid.

I think it's the right thing to do to give her some notice today but don't fall for any flannel or begging sad face off her.

minouminou Thu 13-Jun-13 16:16:38

I ditched a total cow a few years back.
She would ALWAYS go in about me having big ears (among other things....accent/nasal voice etc etc).
She had a big nose and had surgery to reduce it, and around this time, kept going in about my ears....saying we should get some photos done that accentuated her big nose (before the surgery) and my big ears.

Except...her nose was for the chop. My ears weren't, so she could glory in her neat new hooter but still have a laugh at my lugs.

It's the same sort of psychology at work, but using a different chronology.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 09:15:58

So I bravely hid stayed in bed until she left for work this morning, listening to her toddler run around with his fucking shoes on since 7am, because I didn't want to creat confrontation and leave her homeless this weekend. I've just gone into the kitchen to find hundreds & thousands all over the floor and her washing up in the sink rather than the dishwasher.

DH offered to say something this morning but I said we would deal with it later. I wish I had taken him up on it as she's only got a few clients today so will be hanging around the house. Fucksticks.

DeepRedBetty Fri 14-Jun-13 09:21:41

You CAN do this OP. You have the massed power of MN behind you!

Mintyy Fri 14-Jun-13 09:23:02

So she brings her toddler with her? Who looks after him while she's at work?

Really, for your own self worth, I beseech you to actually say something, rather than just emailing. I know you hate confrontation, and I fully understand, but you WILL feel better if you look her in the eye and tell her why you think the way she has behaved is unacceptable. It doesn't matter if it becomes an argument! you are angry, please let your voice be heard.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 09:25:42

Toddler goes to the childminder, Mintyy and then to his dad tonight.

I know you're right re the confrontation, i was just hoping that I was being oversensitive yesterday and that this would blow over.

IDontDoIroning Fri 14-Jun-13 09:29:59

You are putting her and her toddler up rent free and all she can do is snipe nasty comments and leave your kitchen in a mess.
Whoa shock

Hang on. She works from your home at the weekend?
She brings her toddler with her?
You clean up after her? I actually think the time for being polite has passed and now is the time to let her have it with both barrels.
At a size 16 on your wedding day plenty of dresses would have been flattering. Assuming you have family and friends who were involved, they would have told you if you were wearing an unflattering dress - I wouldn't let someone close to me walk down the aisle looking awful. So chances are you did look beautiful. Unfortunately I don't know anyone who is deliberately vile so have no idea what the best way to pull her up on that is.

dubstarr73 Fri 14-Jun-13 09:32:11

So not only is she staying but her toddler as well.No get rid you wont know yourself.She will have someone else to fall back on.
I think Saturday is good,gives you enough time to get teh words right.Sit her down and tell her its not working.Tell her you want your keys dont ask and dont make exscuses.Otherwise she will weedle her way back in.And have your dh there

Good luck

Give her a greenhouse brochure and a small bag of pebbles and tell her to fuck the hell out of your life as fast as her fat arse can carry her.

shock free accommodation for her toddler too?! Good luck OP!

lisac99 Fri 14-Jun-13 09:41:49

I had a friend exactly like that… Note the ‘had’.

We were both overweight, however I had a long term partner and she was mostly single (although every once in a while slept with married men and men with girlfriends and then got upset as they wouldn’t leave their partners for her).

Whenever I decided I’d eat healthy, go to the gym, she’d deliberately try and sabotage me by bringing over unhealthy things to eat and say ‘We can be two fatties together’ or ‘Let’s have a really nice girly evening of eating junk food’ etc etc etc. I only bring up the partner thing as she’d say things like ‘Well I know your boyfriend isn’t my type of person but you obviously love him’ or ‘I mean, I know you’ve got him, but I’d rather be single as he’s really not attractive to me’… on the rare occasion I’d pull her up, she’d say things like ‘Oh well, I was taking the mick out of BOTH of us’ or ‘I meant he’s not attractive TO ME, I wasn’t being rude’

I stopped telling her about any healthy eating I was doing or when I was going to the gym and when she visibly saw I lost weight, she too used to ‘remind’ me about fashion faux pas ‘Remember when we both went to Amsterdam and your tummy was sticking out so much?’, She’s call me a ‘Skinny bitch’ (Size 14 – 5ft 10… not skinny!) and say she didn’t want to go shopping with me as it was obvious we wouldn’t be going into the same shops…. She was just, nasty….

I’ve not spoken to her for over 9 months and my life is a LOT better. No hidden digs, no nasty comments, no jealousy.

I’d urge you to do the same – you’re not being over sensitive.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 10:31:16

She's not supposed to work from my house. She's supposed to be at her clinic but doesn't go in if there aren't bookings (not explained when she asked if she could stay).

I've left the mess for her and gone to the gym. She can fucking clear it up. And if she's home and it's still there when I get home I won't be responsible for my actions.

I know she behaves like this because historically I have let her. Not anymore.

The green eyed monster seems to be at play in your "friends" mind, in the end the jealousy will either eat her up or you-part ways with this negative person. A true friend would never say those things.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 11:02:05

Lisac - did you have it out with her or just drift apart.

She's texted to say she's on way back and do I want her to pick up anything. I told her I wanted her to do washing up. She made point that she had left it but hadn't left it for me. Twat. Now don't want to go home but am in gym with no money, no clean clothes, nothing. hmm

dubstarr73 Fri 14-Jun-13 11:11:08

How come you have no money

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 11:14:45

Because I left it at home and now don't want to go back and get it because I'll have to have a showdown. Pathetic really.

dubstarr73 Fri 14-Jun-13 11:21:14

Its gonna happen anyway,might as well get it out of the way.Whats the worst she can do.Go home get it over and done wiht and enjoy your weekend,no point walking on eggshells

schobe Fri 14-Jun-13 11:24:12

Just go back and be honest with her that it's not working out. She's there much more than you had expected and you and DH want more space. If she pushes it, tell her that all the digs about your weight haven't helped.

If she pushes it more, ask if she wants an invoice for rent and bills for the time she's already been there.

Then grab your purse and go and sit in a cafe and relax.

She'll probably flounce off anyway.

schobe Fri 14-Jun-13 11:24:54

Give her half an hour to do the washing up first!

Sleep404 Fri 14-Jun-13 11:30:05

Sorry Hotel, you are afraid to go home while your friend is in YOUR home. This may be harsh but think about how that sounds. You have let her chase you out of your own home.

Ask her to leave. You don't have to discuss it with her, if you don't want to. Just say you are unable to accommodate her anymore.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 11:36:03

I know exactly how it sounds. I am fairly ashamed of myself tbh (sitting in the foyer at the moment building up the courage to go into the flat). I just know how this is going to play out. She won't accept what I say, will make vague counter-accusations to specific points and will refuse to leave. And then I'm stuck.

I know I sound pathetic but I'm actually shaking with a combination of fear and rage at the moment.

schobe Fri 14-Jun-13 11:41:06

Right calm down. Seriously she cannot refuse to leave.

If she does, just explain that you are happy to give her reasonable notice (ie the weekend - though personally I would tell he she has only enough time to pack up her stuff tbh), but that if she refuses or starts making you uncomfortable, you will be prepared to phone the police.

This is YOUR flat.

schobe Fri 14-Jun-13 11:42:04

Don't go into specific points. Don't give her the chance to make 'counter-arguments'.

Just repeat, sorry this is not working for us any more. You will have to leave.

Sleep404 Fri 14-Jun-13 11:50:13

You don't sound pathetic, just someone who wants to avoid an unpleasant confrontation. I would be the same, but you need to confront her otherwise you will continue to feel like this.
Don't engage her, just say you'd like her to leave as it sent working out. If you need to get your stuff and go out after you tell her.

dubstarr73 Fri 14-Jun-13 11:51:16

Yes no exscuses that way she cant wheedle her way around it.If she refuses to leave phone the police.You dont sound pathetic.

If she wont leave don tell her your phoning the police you leave and do it in peace.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 11:57:10

I did it.

She's getting her stuff together. I am shaking like a leaf in the bedroom. She made some attempts to contradict me but I wouldn't let her.

dubstarr73 Fri 14-Jun-13 11:59:07

Well done wine

Soditall Fri 14-Jun-13 11:59:58

Just read all the way through.

Well done you did brilliantly!

I hate confrontation as well and I know how draining it can be when someone makes you have to pull them up on they're behavior.

LeonardoAcropolis Fri 14-Jun-13 12:00:37

Well done

Go with a broken record. Something like
"Its not convenient for you to stay here anymore" or
"Its not working out for us havingyou here on the weekend"

Don't engage in a conversation, just repeat.

X post

You star.
flowers

Well done. You are RIGHT don't forgrt that

Solo Fri 14-Jun-13 12:05:25

Yay! well done!! smile

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 12:06:05

Haha. I am. I just texted DH saying friends should enhance your life not make it work, realised had I sent it to friend she'd have corrected me to "detract" and that's why I'm right to tell her to fuck off grin

Almost stopped shaking. Still hiding until she is gone though.

Well done OP. I'm proud of ya. grin

Sleep404 Fri 14-Jun-13 12:08:47

Well done. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and don't give her a second thought.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 12:12:17

FFS why is she not gone?

BoiledEggandToastSoldiers Fri 14-Jun-13 12:13:46

Good for you, well done smile

BoiledEggandToastSoldiers Fri 14-Jun-13 12:15:44

She probably realises you mean business, and is trying to work out her options, DO NOT be drawn into any conversations with her.

Stay strong smile

Just read whole thread - good for you!

You are completely right, friends should bring positivity not nasty comments. Don't calm down and feel sorry for her, she has been very rude and ungrateful.

WhiteShakette Fri 14-Jun-13 12:16:52

Delighted for you! Well done! Now make sure she leaves...

Well done Hotel and don't back down.

Stay calm and make sure you get your keys back.

BigDomsWife Fri 14-Jun-13 12:20:54

Not Happy to say anything to her directly but happy to slag her off on Mumsnet? That makes you as unpleasant as her. What ever happened to being truthful to people? i.e. I feel hurt when you say XYZ??

BookieMonster Fri 14-Jun-13 12:22:54

Well done! She's not gone because she thinks you will back down. Stay firm.

Chottie Fri 14-Jun-13 12:23:40

She is definitely pea green (well done to you for losing the weight and keeping it off smile) Do you really need this negative drip, drip every weekend? It sounds to me as if you have come to end of this 'friendship'.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 12:24:11

She's gone now but taken the keys with her. I can easily change the lock (we have an inner door with a mortice lock on it) which is probably a whole lot less hassle than asking her for the keys back. Especially given the emotional response from having to confront her!

Bigdoms the op has spoken directly to her friend

Did she offer an apology of any sort before she left?

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 12:26:55

RTFT BigDomsWife - you will see that I haven't slagged her off and I have been direct with her but been belittled for being hurt. And as I've grown some balls today you can fuck right off too.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 12:27:24

Not a jot YouStay.

minouminou Fri 14-Jun-13 12:27:27

The OP hates confrontation, and has, over the years, been a put down by this so-called friend. It's been really difficult for her to do this, so asking for advice is just fine.
She's given us facts, this is not slagging her friend off.

You can now start to enjoy your weekends without her dragging you down.

Change that lock though, just in case.

NoisesOff Fri 14-Jun-13 12:30:53

OP, you're a star!

scarletforya Fri 14-Jun-13 12:37:10

Good for you OP!

What a nasty parasite! No shame! Can't believe she kept the keys. probably thinks it will all 'blow over' and she can come back! heh...oh change those locks OP!!!!

Enjoy your house back! Glad to see you're putting up with no crap any more!

Yay! Well done! flowers

Definitely change your lock. See it as throwing away one chapter and opening another.

Hurray for you! Well done for standing up for yourself against such a complete horror!

flowersflowersflowers

dubstarr73 Fri 14-Jun-13 12:59:44

Id email her and ask for the keys but the change the locks anyway.I wouldnt trust her as far as i could throw her.But well done for growing some balls ,all you have to do now is keep them.

Id get your hubby now to deal with her that way less likely to catch you on an off day

dubstarr73 Fri 14-Jun-13 13:00:23

http://media.photobucket.com/user/The_Party_boy88/media/griffins_balls_of_steel.jpg.html?filters[term]=balls%20of%20steel&filters[primary]=images&filters[secondary]=videos&sort=1&o=1

pigletmania Fri 14-Jun-13 13:05:44

How rude, I would be saying adios to her

HadALittleFaithBaby Fri 14-Jun-13 13:15:00

Late to the thread but well done Hotel! I would ask for the keys but also change the lock before next week because I wouldn't put it past her to just pitch up again next week as if nothing happened!

HotelTango - it might be worth checking your lock to see if you can just change the lock barrel, rather than the whole lock - that is much cheaper. We had to change our locks a couple of times when ds1 lost his house keys, and we just changed the barrels rather than the whole thing.

Oh - and well done for sorting this situation out - now promise me that you and your dh are going to celebrate tonight, and have a wonderful weekend!

OhTheConfusion Fri 14-Jun-13 13:28:38

Well done! Some people never fail to amaze me!

pigletmania Fri 14-Jun-13 13:52:21

Oh right just read the rest of your thread, well done you. Bigdoms she has, why Gould op put up with being treated like shit

dubstarr73 Fri 14-Jun-13 14:58:54

Please keep us updated though,whether she tries her luck next week.

Enjoy your weekend

hotel just because a few people here and me think given her actions she may show up next week, please don't spend your time worrying about that. You seem like a very nice person, so I know if she shows up with the toddler in tow you are going to feel guilty at least for the kid. Change your lock barrel and make sure you and OH are out at the time she normally arrives so you aren't there for any blackmail/guilt tripping that may happen.

Also if you and OH go out and she doesn't try anything at least you and OH will have had a nice date.

MissStrawberry Fri 14-Jun-13 15:19:45

Ask your DH to get your keys off her. She has no need to keep them and if she refuses to give them back demand to know why. Check your stuff in case she decides to take it by accident.

Pagwatch Fri 14-Jun-13 15:26:55

Change the locks.
even if you get the originals back she could have spent 10 mins this afternoon getting them copied.

Hurrah for you. You can have a lovely relaxing weekend.

What is it with some people? They must have rhino hide.

Mia4 Fri 14-Jun-13 15:56:04

YANBU, sounds like she has issues with herself-be it body weight or self esteem- and needs to put you down to make herself feel better. It's very toxic OP, i'd suggest distancing yourself.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Fri 14-Jun-13 16:01:53

I've had an email from her saying she didn't realise that she was being offensive and upsetting. I might respond to it in a couple of weeks if I think there is a benefit to me (and a bit to her as it isn't nice to be dropped without a full explanation) but for now I am going to enjoy the sunshine and change the locks!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 14-Jun-13 16:02:21

Well bloody done!

Mia4 Fri 14-Jun-13 16:13:14

Just read to the end, well done OP and to be honest it's good to wait on answering-she probably thinks a 'not quite sorry' is good enough for her behaviour, not so.

NoisesOff Fri 14-Jun-13 16:20:30

Huh, she didn't have sufficient insight to guess that you might be offended by her remarks about your weight on your wedding day? Wow, empathy really ain't her thing, is it?

spondulix Fri 14-Jun-13 16:55:48

^^ what Noises said. Of course she knows she was being offensive. She is just shocked that you have finally stood up to her.

Well done OP!

rockybalboa Fri 14-Jun-13 17:57:58

Well done OP!

ChuffMuffin Fri 14-Jun-13 20:48:43

Hotel well done you! wine

Am I right in assuming though that she didn't apologise in her email for what she'd said, only that she didn't realise she had offended you? What a fucking piece of work!

What chuff said - I was just thinking the exact same thing. Its not even a not-real apology of the 'i'm sorry you were offended' variety.

Xiaoxiong Fri 14-Jun-13 20:55:52

I love it - that email's a total non-apology apology.

Well done OP, ovaries of steel!!

runningonwillpower Fri 14-Jun-13 20:56:22

Is it better grammar to say, 'off the fuck with you'?

Xiaoxiong Fri 14-Jun-13 20:56:36

x posted with both chuff and eagle!! Glad I'm not the only one who read it that way.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 14-Jun-13 21:12:58

No you would not be unreasonable. She sounds like a "friend" you could do without.

lovesherdogstoomuch Fri 14-Jun-13 21:21:46

she told you you looked fat on your wedding day, and you're putting her up every weekend? did i read that right? she's jealous and horrible. tell her how much she has hurt you. give her a chance to explain herself. then, when she's horrible again, kick her out. friends who suck the air out of the room need to be shown the door. xx

QOD Fri 14-Jun-13 21:23:20

Well done and I'd love to hear what you said, just cos I am a nosey cow!

lovesherdogstoomuch Fri 14-Jun-13 21:27:09

me too QOD. super. what a bee atch.

Xiaoxiong Fri 14-Jun-13 22:01:55

And me QOD. I'm imagining the blow by blow:

And then I said...<totally reasonable awesome laying down of law>
And then SHE said...<defensive unreasonable guff>

And then we can all go "NO!" and "I can't beLIEVE she SAID that!" and "You are AWESOME!" grin

SugarPasteGreyhound Fri 14-Jun-13 22:17:43

I wish you could "Like" posts on here!

ICanTotallyDance Fri 14-Jun-13 23:00:48

Congratulations. I came late to this thread but I'm so pleased you stood up to her. Have a great weekend with your DH.

DeepRedBetty Sat 15-Jun-13 13:15:59

As I said upthread, the Massed Power of MN was behind you. Well, apart from one poster, who I suspect hadn't actually read the thread before posting...

Well done OP!

well done op grin

i think most of us know people like that

internationallove985 Sun 16-Jun-13 00:00:47

No you're not being unreasonable. I'd have told her where to go as well. who needs shallow people in their lives. Oh and for the record, I wouldn't say size 16 was big at all!. xx

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Sun 16-Jun-13 09:13:02

For those who want to know what was said it wasn't particularly interesting or inspiring. I took a deep breath and said "X I am very angry with the way you are treating me. You have left my flat in a state, you constantly put me down and contradict me and I am incredibly hurt by the way you say how fat I was on my wedding day. I need you to leave my flat and find somewhere else to stay."

Then I turned around and walked away so she wasn't able to turn it into a dialogue. It was probably a bit unfair but I didn't want an argument, I wanted to be heard. She has responded by email setting out her apology, and it did start with an apology and is, in fact, quite heartfelt and honest, so has had her say. I will decide what to do about it later.

Interestingly I feel relief rather than feeling shitty about being unkind to someone (even though she wasn't kind to me I normally would agonise over my treatment of her) which I think shows it was the right thing to do, and that I will just draw a line under the friendship now rather than attempt to mend it.

FridaKarlov Sun 16-Jun-13 09:33:12

It's good she apologised but the cynic in me is saying she only did it because you've deprived her of her free ride.

Well done on standing up to her, she sounds very jealous and rude.

Pagwatch Sun 16-Jun-13 09:49:34

HotelTango

I think that is quite right. The fact that you would normally be fretting and upset yet instead feel relieved is a good indication that you made a sound choice.
She may actually have learnt a valuable lesson. I sometimes think that the 'I just call a spade a spade' wankers just didn't have someone clearly call them on their behaviour early enough.
If her apology seems sincere she may change for the better long term.

Well done. You sounded very dignified.

SayMama Sun 16-Jun-13 11:19:06

Well done!!

"It's good she apologised but the cynic in me is saying she only did it because you've deprived her of her free ride."
Absolutely agree.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 19-Jun-13 17:51:13

It seems you cynics were right. I've had an email this afternoon saying not a huge amount but appearing to assume that she's coming tomorrow. It ends with:

Anyway, I just wanted to see how you were feeling about it all now and whether or not you wanted to talk anything through tomorrow - or, equally, if you've worked it out on your own and would rather not mention it again!

Which to me says she's coming tomorrow and its up to me whether I discuss it or not. DH has decided that any response has to come from his email address, even if I write it, so we're showing a united front.

I'm really not surprised that she's not taken me seriously, given that I let her take the piss for so long. She won't be staying here again though, make no mistake. I just have to work out how to get that through to her, and not let her emotionally blackmail me about the child not having a place to stay tomorrow.

schobe Wed 19-Jun-13 18:01:20

Omg! Rhino hide.

I disagree with your DH. You need to make a stand and make it clear that it's YOU doing it. The doormat is no longer.

Forget 'how to get through to her' and emotional blackmail.

Keep it short and to the point and explain that you won't be responding to any further emails from her. Something like:

"I think you must have misunderstood, although I did specifically state that you needed to find somewhere else to stay. This means that you are not welcome to stay with us either tomorrow or any other time."

Have you changed the locks?

HadALittleFaithBaby Wed 19-Jun-13 18:06:24

Cheeky cah! Do not let her in! Don't answer the door. I'm am shock at the audacity of ...have you worked it out for yourself? ! She clearly thinks she's done nothing wrong and I think she only apologised because it was expected and thinks it over and done with. I think you'll have a battle to get rid of her. I wouldn't reply to any correspondence. Just don't allow her access and ignore the door.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 19-Jun-13 18:10:25

No I didn't change the locks because I convinced myself it was an overreaction. I can do it in the morning though as there's a place just round the corner and replacing like for like should be straightforward.

I also take what she said in her email as confirmation that her apology wasn't genuine and that she thinks I'm being bonkers and unreasonable. I'm not standing for it. It took me an hour to get home from the gym (5mins walk) last week because I was so upset about having the confrontation with her. I won't feel like that about coming to my home ever again!

She has the hide of a rhino. I think you are going to have to spell it out in words of two syllables.

schobe Wed 19-Jun-13 18:13:34

Yes, send the email, ignore any response and do the locks first thing in the morning.

Then line up something nice to do after work, eg out for a drink, cinema, or just a nice meal at home.

Then try to forget all about it. She probably will put a load of stuff in an email, then phone/text a lot. But remember it is only because she's got nowhere to stay and doesn't want to put her hand in her pocket for a hotel. I bet you wouldn't hear a peep otherwise.

lunar1 Wed 19-Jun-13 18:14:16

I think I'd have to change the locks, sounds like she'd let herself in as if nothing happened

Januarymadness Wed 19-Jun-13 18:15:56

I would go with.

Thank you for your emailed appology. However, just to make it clear incase I haven't already, based on the lack of respect you have given me, dh, our home, our hosiptality and our generosity, we are no longer happy for you to stay here.

We hope you find suitable, alternative, accomodation and we wish you well in the future.

Januarymadness Wed 19-Jun-13 18:17:19

Sorry x posts

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn Wed 19-Jun-13 18:20:31

Wow! Brass neck or what?

MerryOnMerlot Wed 19-Jun-13 18:24:02

Think you should go with DH's idea of e-mail coming from his e-mail address. Far less likely to get further manipulative/head in the sand response that way. It will also show a united front which will be far less easy for her to bulldoze.

Pagwatch Wed 19-Jun-13 18:26:18

Good grief .

Yes. At least the fact that she sent an email allows you to e very precise in your response.
So yes 'you appear to have misunderstood so let me be quite clear. You are no longer welcome to stay here' type stuff.

And please don't accidentally throw an English apology in there - 'I am sorry but you are not...blah blah.

At least now you know you didn't over react when you threw her out.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 19-Jun-13 19:29:52

Right am emailing her telling her not to come and to drop our keys at DHs office and that we are not going to be drawn into a dialogue on the subject. I haven't used an English apology -thanks for the advice on that one, its my usual MO.

I expect she will need the last word, but I will utilise the magic delete button on the email without reading. Ha. That'll teach her...

Wow, she really is quite the cow. shock

BOF Wed 19-Jun-13 19:35:05

Tango, I am most impressed- well done. Do make sure your balls don't get in the way next time you're in the gym grin

Bobyan Wed 19-Jun-13 19:35:29

Draft email;
"Which part of fuck off do you find hard to understand?"

YouTheCat Wed 19-Jun-13 19:40:04

What an absolute twat and well done for standing up to her. Hope it all turns out well.

Goodness me she is ridiculous! I would read the next email if I were you, as no doubt it will reaffirm exactly why you have chosen to do this!

Dubjackeen Wed 19-Jun-13 19:54:27

Well done OP. I had a feeling she hadn't gone away somehow, but that email is beyond all. A rhino would envy her hide. I would set up a filter on your email inbox, if you can, so that anything from her goes into trash. Definitely change locks, and after that, give her no more headspace. Well done again smile

minouminou Wed 19-Jun-13 20:01:45

Oh my shit! So she's said that you just threw a massive girlie shitfit, bug that she's so magnanimous that she's prepared to overlook it?

What a massive wanker.

Let us see the email you're sending her.

AndHarry Wed 19-Jun-13 20:23:43

You can't delete the reply, you have to post it on here for us nosy lot to gawp at! grin

FruminousBandersnatch Wed 19-Jun-13 20:44:53

Nice one, OP! Cannot believe the sheer front of the woman.

What an arrogant boot she is.

Please update when she tries to bitchslap you back via email.

Don't fall for any flannel off her!

Mimishimi Wed 19-Jun-13 22:34:30

Wow, I've had similar friends to this and they only last as long as you let them use you. If you call them out on something they say about you, they make you feel petty and as though they are above all the stupid things like caring for a friend's feelings. I remember

Mimishimi Wed 19-Jun-13 22:45:23

once meeting up with a schoolfriend at a cafe whilst we were both at uni (different ones). She begged a cigarette off someone and smoked it first. Then after we ordered, she went inside to talk to the waitress for about ten minutes. Through the glass I could see them both looking at me and giggling occasionally. When the waitress brought out the food, she had a giant smirk on her face. We ate, chatted tensely some more (I was boiling inside) and then went inside to pay. Hmm, turned out my 'friend' had conveniently forgot her wallet... would I mind paying? Never bothered with her again after that, she made me feel like total crap and she'd done it to others too. She was very intelligent and could be funny, but she made you feel like dirt on her shoe for no good reason.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 20-Jun-13 08:09:40

She responded - and you lot had me so intrigued as to what she would say I read it instead of deleting it. I'm not surprised she had to have the last word (these people generally do) and I will share it with you, along with my thoughts:

I'm not sure either of us is very good for the other.

I dread to think what she would say of me had I not helped her move house, provided free childcare, provided free accommodation, picked up the sodding bill all the time, let her treat me like a cat scratching post and all the other doormatty things I did.

Interestingly, when we hadn't seen each other for a while a couple of years ago (life got in the way) she mentioned that she said that she hadn't seen me to a mutual acquaintance (a college tutor who I met less than half a dozen times) whose response was "Well yes, Hotel drops people when she has got what she wants from them" as if I'm the bloody user! The irony.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 20-Jun-13 08:30:13

Just read entire thread. Bloody good for you OP! As another person who finds confrontation really hard I applaud you for speaking your mind and chucking her out. I have to say I think some people get a perverse pleasure from taunting others like this......oh yes, they are called bullies. Amazed at her gaul to do this while staying at your place. Well done anyway.

What a bloody cheek!

wow, what a complete arse. Well done you and knowing people who act like that I would imagine that person never did say that thing about you. some people can't form relationships without battering others down. That's Not your fault or problem at all.

myroomisatip Thu 20-Jun-13 10:14:01

For what it is worth, IMO I doubt very much that the college tutor made that remark!

digerd Thu 20-Jun-13 10:32:17

Bullies and sadists. She was nasty and you put up with her far too long.
Thank goodness you got rid of her.
Her last words were not in the least apologetic - just pompous- of course you were good for HER as she had used you mercilessly with no gratitude but abuseangry

though how tempting is it to write back:

it does seem that way. you have obviously never been good for me and now I won't let you sponge off me, I'm no good for you

wink

yes - what ERD said

You better person then me.

As I would be inclined to E mail back saying your right I only want people in my life who add to it. Not people who use my home like a hotel and treat me like something on the bottom of their shoe And reiterate that your keys need to be returned to your DH office by 5pm Friday night.

diddl Thu 20-Jun-13 11:53:27

"I'm not sure either of us is very good for the other."

What a bitch!

She really can't see that she's at fault to any degree at all, can she?

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 20-Jun-13 11:59:48

Much as its tempting to respond, she will come back as she will want to point out how right she is and how wrong I am - as she has during our "friendship" so I'll walk away now. I'll send thought vibes of what ERD said though - that's genius!

shock what an utter selfish cowbag she is

good for you op, for deciding not to reply. i doubt this will be the last you hear from her anyway.

WhiteShakette Thu 20-Jun-13 12:26:53

Good on you, Hotel. You're right not to reply, tempting though it is.

FruminousBandersnatch Thu 20-Jun-13 15:01:35

Yes don't reply, just think of her checking her inbox anxiously.

She has NO shame! I also doubt the college tutor said that, it sounds like a game your friend was playing.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson Thu 20-Jun-13 15:10:19

yanbu. Tell her to piss off. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

minouminou Thu 20-Jun-13 15:23:31

The tutor never said that.
She's projecting.

I'm up for sending one last reply, which tells her that you're going to check that statement out with the tutor, then leave it at that.

Wanker, wanker and thrice, WANKER.

minouminou Thu 20-Jun-13 15:27:25

I also doubt it'll be the last you hear from her.
She'll give it a while, then you'll get a nasty message which borders on hysteria (brace yourself), which berates you and isn't quite rational. You'll listen to it, or read it, and realise that the things she's accusing you of are the things she does/is.

Then, a while later, you'll get a friendly approach, as if nothing's ever happened.

Ignore both.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Thu 20-Jun-13 15:43:05

Gosh it sounds like a fair few of you have had run ins with this kind of girl. How horrid. And thanks for the advice for what to expect next.

DH has the keys. Security took delivery so he didn't have to deal. Feel relieved. Looking forward to a QNI without a madwoman/toddler to deal with

minouminou Thu 20-Jun-13 15:54:01

Four years after getting rid of mine I'm still getting the odd bit of hassle, but that's because we live in the same city and our sons go to the same school.

The only way to deal with her, I've found, is to totally ignore her. Having said that, though she's a bit more hardcore than yours.... Like, official complaints from different people/agencies about her hassling them.

I'm another who seriously doubts that your tutor said that!

If anything, it does rather confirm her as a user. Most people assume that that they are 'normal' i.e. that everyone else is just the same as them. So nice people assume everyone is nice, unfaithful people accuse their partners of cheating on them, and users accuse their victims of using them. As she has tried to do.

Mimishimi Fri 21-Jun-13 00:38:18

Please make sure to post any further amusing communications from her grin

minouminou Fri 21-Jun-13 13:29:06

Hell yeah!
Imagine if she's an MNer?

Bahahahaaaaaah!!!!

BoomChicaBoom Fri 21-Jun-13 19:47:26

Two words for you - well jell...

BoomChicaBoom Fri 21-Jun-13 19:50:21

Whoopsy, didn't realise this thread had got 8 pages - I'll read it all now! blush

BoomChicaBoom Fri 21-Jun-13 20:14:11

Finished! Good for you hotel, she's a nasty piece of work. Feel sorry for her that she obviously feels bad enough about herself to treat you in that way in order to make herself feel better.

Sorry, that was atrocious grammar but can't be arsed to edit.

Enjoy having your house back!

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