To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!(302 Posts)
Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.
All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.
Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.
I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.
AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?
Go ahead and scream. What a bunch.
No wonder you are fed up. What would they do if you had to stay in hospital for a few days? Your DH would have to cope.
Depends what you mean by 'op'. This covers a very wide area.
Yanbu. Could you stay in hospital?
Well I wouldn't be too annoyed with your Mum or your sister.
MIL needs to keep her opinions to herself.
Your husband needs to grow up!
Go ahead & scream
I just hoped that between them they might be able to somehow help but they all seem to have an excuse
Dm keeps saying how if I don't have op because of dh having to work she will "kill him" but that sort of comment doesn't help me. I've helped all of them in the past but when it comes to it not one of them wants to help me.
Dh really really annoys me as puts work above everything else, already this year we have postponed dd2s hernia op and her transferring to an insulin pump (she's diabetic and on inj) as he can't get time off/has a holiday booked that doesn't want mucked up.
I'm getting thoroughly pissed off at coming last time and time again. He wants my op put off "for a few months" which I know is due to work/holiday.
Dsis just wants a nice walk with a baby in a pram not to actually help and dm just refuses to take any time off due to her job being too importany (yet can take time off for dsis whenever she needs to).
I just feel like cancelling is the only option.
You DH needs to spend some time coping with the DC so he faces up to the face that you are cracking under the strain.
Has he applied for DLA yet?
faces up to the fact not face
Its just a day case. GA to have a look and do a biopsy.
Should be home mid aft but will need to rest and have been told to not have sole charge of dcs following day.
I think you have to be blunt with your DH he is compromising your health and that of the children for his work. I appreciate that it is a family business and so he is under pressure from your BIL and MIL but it can't go on.
You and your DH have health problems and so do your children, he can't keep trying to carry on as if it wasn't the case.
Yes dla form sent off but heard nothing yet, I expect it will take weeks like dcs applications.
I'm just exhausted and needed a bit of help and support. Dh has an agenda because of working for bil and being so desp that nothing gets in the way of his holiday.
I honestly feel like I could literally have a meltdown over this.
GA always makes people feel woozy and weak afterwards. You will need and are entitled to some tlc.
According to dh I "won't need help the next day" as when he had a knee op he was fine the following day.
I'm exhausted to start with and really anaemic. I know I will need to rest but will not be able to.
They all seem to think somebody else should help.mil thinks I will be ok on my own, I think dh should help,dh thinks dm/dsis should, they think he should its a complete mess!
Dh makes me feel selfish for being unwell, he said it isn't an urgent op that it could be rescheduled for in a couple of months (what he means is after his hol in aug!) I think he's worried of complications that prevent him going.
Fgs. Get yourself a hotel booked and get some rest
You really have my sympathy. How unfair.
Ah-so knows better than the Drs advising you!
He might as well quit his job & set up then!
Oh, wait a minute...
Sorry, but he's sounding really selfish.
If you are having a biopsy then you do not delay it, under any circs. What a selfish bunch of people.
I hope you get some help from somewhere.
So on top of all this he is worrying about a holiday that is just for him??
Wish I could book a hotel!
Still bf ds2 (13mths) so will need to get home asap after as he's still fed during day (has cows milk allergy and I can't express enough to leave for him) I know he will be ok missing morning feed but by late aft he will be getting a bit fretful. Dh knows this too and I think he's worrying how hard a day it'll be.
"According to dh I "won't need help the next day" as when he had a knee op he was fine the following day. "
And yet he's worried about looking after his own two children when he's in perfect health.
His holiday is a major issue.
I know he has his own health problems but he really misled me about it, said it was 5 days (turned out to be 10) said it was a one off, now he's saying he wants to go every few years.
I can't believe bil suggested it or that dh said yes given the problems we have.
I appreiciate he needs a break but I am so tired.
He sounds unbelievably precious. So WHAT if he has a difficult day? What is the worst that could happen?
I am sorry OP, is he always so selfish? Is his holiday a solo event?
Your health is the most important thing here.
OP, you need to be proactive. Screaming might feel good, but it won't fix anything. Tell your DH that you will have to get help in, and it will need to be paid help because you can't count on family. If he baulks at this, tell him he still has the option of taking time off work.
Although the procedure is straight forward, complications can arise. I went for a day surgery in the spring, has a bad reaction to the ga, and had to be kept in an extra 24 hours.
I am not trying to scare you, but it can happen, and being responsible means planning for these possibilities.
To be fair he does have health problems of his own but the older 2 will be at school most of day its just the 2 younger dcs are very hard work.
Really I'd only be gone for half a day though.
Those are his kids too and if he can't cope, it's about time to start practising. Is it really that he "can't" take time off right now or just does not want to?
I don't know your situation as well as the others here, but is there no way you can get help outside of the family? Someone from Sitters or somesuch for instance? I'd have thought with 4 DCs you'd probably need a fair bit of help (I certainly would!) so it's worth paying for it when needed. Even if it's a stretch, it's got to be worth it so you can have your op. I don't think you should cancel it just because your family can't or won't help.
You keep posting about these issues op and nothing seems to ever get resolved?
You need to stop looking to your family/inlaws for help-they are not going to change. They quite clearly resent you for continuing to have children when you have an inherited condition.
Your issues with your dh are the main problem. I can see his point about his job as keeping a job in this climate is important. But he is being very BU about your op-that's important for you all so you should avoid cancelling.
Is there any way social services/carers could help for a couple of days if the family wont step up to the mark?
Re-your dh and the holiday,Im afraid my answer would be a flat no-when are you getting to take a solo holiday btw?
When do you get your holiday?
I can't really believe they are being so unhelpful. These are the people closest to you, who love you?
Tell DH to take a day off. Get DSis to do her walk and give him a break if need be. How much care does he actually give them if one day in charge, with you (I'm guessing) also in the house, just resting up, worries him that much?
If you need to be there to BF, you can stay in bed and he can bring DS to you for that purpose, or say if he is getting clingy for you and won't nap or whatever?
You put off your DD getting a a pump when you are struggling to control her diabetes? Your DH really needs to get his priorities sorted. He needs a different job for a start.
Forget the rest of the family, it would be nice if they helped you but they are not obliged to.
This is COMPLETELY your DH's responsibility. You need to get really serious with him and tell him you need him to take the time off to look after you and your DCs or as soldat says he can pay for help otherwise you are out the door.
This is what marriage is about 'for better for worse, sickness and health'. If you can't rely on your husband to help when you have an op then what is the point of being married?
I'm so sorry you are being treated like this OP when you should have the care and support of your loved ones.
I had GA when I was sterilsed (day case). I was not allowed to be discharged unless I could confirm I had someone to look after me and no one to look after. It wasn't for the stitches / wound but for the effects of GA.
I was definitely out of it for 2 days and felt the effects for longer.
YADNBU - I am furious at your DH for you
100% what ashoething said. These posts are now what? Two a week? Never ever anything but despair from you about your life. Surely you can see that this can't go on? You'll put yourself into an early grave. Your family are as good as useless. If we can all see that why on earth can't you? Just give them a swerve and get some peace back in your life. As for your husband he sounds like the biggest waste of time ever. He's not really your husband is he? He's a fifth child. YOU need to start taking charge of this whole horrible situation. There are any number of VERY wise MN'ers who could guide you through that.
I'm sorry, but if I was a betting woman I'd say you'll continue to do nothing and that is rather depressing.
What a shit.
Insist he books the time off. They are HIS children.
He should be ashamed.
I think you DH is in denial about his own health, your health and the problems faced by the children. You both have health problems, your 4 children have serious health problems he can't keep closing his eyes to that.
Its time for him to remove his head from
his arse the sand and look to the needs of his family. Why does he think you will be well enough to look after the children after a GA when he is scared of looking after them for one day.
The pump has been a huge issue. I know it would be better for dd but I struggle massively even with my phone and am number dyslexic so would have needed a lot of help fron dh to get used to using a pump etc.
Dh knows this and knows I wouldn't cope on my own initially and then he wouldn't be able to go on holiday so he said not to do it now.
Dd is doing ok now we are being v strict with carb counting but I've had an afternoon of her screaming today for snacks that I can't give her without extra injections (on a pump she could have a snack and just an insulin bolus through that) so it would be better for her. Same with her hernia op.
I am at my wits end. Dh does do a lot, he helps with housework every evening and gets up in night with me if 2 or more dcs get up unwell so I can't complain but the holiday is too much.
So when are you getting a holiday then ariane?
I 'm assuming you are having an arthroscopy?
When I last had this done the GP said I needed 2 weeks before I could go back to work! After the GA I was very sleepy for about 48 hours and just took to my bed and watched TV.
I would not have been capable of running round after a toddler!
Your Dh will have to employ somene to provide some childcare if he is not prepared to give it himself.
(Incidentally I am having artroscopies done on both knees soon and have been told to take off 3 weeks to recover painfree function)
OMG-he's putting a holiday before his child's health.
That is awful.
OP-how can you have any respect for him?
I don't know what to do. Nobody in rl to offload all this to.
I just feel like giving up its true I cannot cope. I have tried and tried but everything goes wrong and I am sick of my life.it is miserable. At least twice a day I am in tears and I am sick and tired of drs/hosp appts.I hate it.
You have having a BIOPSY????
So this could be a very serious illness that needs detection and treatment as quickly as possible, and he wants you to delay a couple of months??
He says it's not urgent???
Christ Almighty. What an absolute, grade one, selfish, thoughtless, uncaring ARSEHOLE.
"I think dh should help,dh thinks dm/dsis should, they think he should its a complete mess! "
Jaw-dropping. You and your dm/dsis are right. Your husband should help. Why are you even calling it "help"? Your husband should look after his own children while you are unable to.
I would suggest you say "I am taking medical advice and having my operation when the Doctors think I should have it. NOT when you think I should have it. I expect you to make yourself available to look after our children for two days, because that is what the Doctors have said needs to happen. I am not interested in your opinion that I will be OK to look after them because you are not a Doctor. The Doctors have said I must find childcare or I cannot be discharged. You are the children's father - the childcare is you. I am also not interested in your excuses about work or your holiday. If you find that you cannot take the time off, I will not be discharged from hospital. If you do not turn up to collect the children from school, the school will call social services. I assume you don't want this to happen? No. Good. Well make sure you don't fuck up then."
No I'm having hysteroscopy and a biopsy. Dh was just comparing it to his knee ops in terms of having a GA.
'Christ Almighty' is right, balloon.
Ok, so your DH is clearly a useless selfish waste of space in a crisis. So my suggestion is this.
Absolutely stick with the planned op. for the two elder DC, ask someone else to take and collect from school for the two days, and maybe even see if they could do an after school club those days?
Accept your DSis measly offer of help by taking the baby out for a walk - and while she's out can she please pick up milk and bread? When she gets back in can she please make a cup of tea and just throw together a sandwich for DC3s lunch ( with a 'thanks ever so' smile on your face)
And get in a nanny through an agency for those two days, or even just one day. As you'll be in, there should be no anxiety from the little ones as they can see you, but they have someone else to make their meals and help with drawing, bathing, nappies etc.
I have no suggestions on how to cope with DH though.....
I feel for you! What a selfish bunch they all are!
I agree with the others - you should not postpone, and will need some help, so give your dh, dm & dsis one last chance to step-up & help you out, and if not, make it clear that you'll have to pay for some help instead, as your own husband won't help you. Hopefully you'll your DH into doing what's right, but if not, at least you'll be able to get some relative R&R afterwards.
Good luck - hope it works out (and goes well)!
meant to say "hopefully you'll shame your dh into doing what's right".
reading other comments, you frequently post about problems on here.
Maybe the actual question for your husband is "How would you cope if I died? Was in a car accident? Lost both legs to a hoarde of rampaging Baboons? Take responsibility for your children or GTFO, I'm asking for one day, 2 days, not a life time!"
OP I really feel for you. In a time like this your family should be coming to your aid. A couple I months back I was in hospital & DH had to spend time between work/looking after DD/dropping her off at nursery & various friends & family/visiting me. He never once complained (although he looked shattered) but the way he saw it I was in the worst position.
I really hope they change their minds. If you've been told to rest you need to. Can you put a timetable in place such as DH looks after DCs from x to x, MIl from x to x etc?
Yes, I do post a lot. I have a lot of problems that combined are making my life hellish.
If I think I've managed to solve one problem/get on top of something then another problem emerges.
I spend a lot of time wishing for a simple life and to never have to set foot in a hospital ever again in my life.
I sometimes feel like just getting up and walking out of the house and not stopping. My frustration levels are horrendous. I can't get anything done or get through to dh that I need help.and a rest.
I think that it's awful that OPs mum & sister won't help if they could-but I think I've read posts in the past that make that no surprise, sadly.
And of course, the children do have a father in the picture-it's not as if there is no one apart from OPs mum & sister.
I wouldn't feel inclined to be getting others to help him out-if he wants that, he can organise it himself.
But in all honesty, I sadly wouldn't trust him stay off for as long as needed, or to actually keep the children from bother OP unnecessarily.
What exactly is the biopsy looking for?
Because if it is something such as cancer then sorry to be blunt but by getting you to delay for a few months your dh could be facing a lifetime of looking after the children on his own. Not just 2 days.
Erm.... Not really sure what to add to that!
Don't you dare put it off! Good grief, you're having a hellish time. Others are right if this is ongoing you need to do something and get some rl help. Do you have any volunteer or support groups nearby?
Everybody is right, you can't put off a biopsy. Your DH needs to step up here. Would he really rather he left your children with your sister, whose epilepsy was recently so uncontrolled that she needed you caring for her? Not fair on her or the kids. He needs to start taking real responsibility.
Hysteroscopies are performed in the uterus for various reasons.
I had one with biopsies taken for investigation and a scrape. Mine was only a 20 minute procedure under GA, but took me all day and night to recover from the GA. I was fine afterwards except for a period lasting 6 weeks.
It does depend on what your procedure involves OP.
Your family and in-laws are a disgrace. Your DM does everything for your sis but nothing for you - shame on her
Why are you still with this arsehole. Yeah, yeah, he helps a bit in by clearing up his mess, gets up in the night for his kids, and can't be arsed to do a couple of days for his wife. Not very important are you. It's a fucking biopsy, which means they are looking for something potentially serious. I'd kick him out and get a fucking serious partner, not a waste of space.
Oh OP you post all the time and its always awful.
Stop looking to your mum and sister, they clearly don't want to help.
Stop looking to PILs, they clearly don't want to.
You just upset yourself by asking and giving them the opportunity to reject you.
DH doesn't want to step up, would you be better off without him?
You've got FOUR children with health problems and you can't cope. You don't have enough money to buy in outside help. You need to turn to social services and ask for help, respite care, anything.
It's disgusting that as a family you have put off your DDs operation. That should be the priority here, and your health too.
Really had no choice about dd2s operation, the hospital wouldn't allow us to take ds2 as well and there was nobody else who could look after him.
I suppose dh could have taken her alone but I want to be with her too so I'm trying to stop the bf so that in a few months she can have it done with both of us there.
I checked with her consultant that it was safe to postpone and it was and gives us time to try and get her blood sugars a bit better.
I have told dh that when dcs in bed we have to have a talk.
I'm just so tired of things being like this and I need to know what I'm doing on thursday as although I don't want an operation I think I need to get it done and have his support 100percent.
Will see what he says.
Good luck with your talk OP. Something really needs to change...for the better.
We don't have any family support, its just me and DH. He is self employed and loses pay if he takes time off BUT he does. I've had a few operations in recent years and he has always been there to help me with the DC. He says we are a team. He is right. I wish your DH felt the same way and that you had other support too.
Perhaps speak with your GP, perhaps she/he might be able to give you some useful leads and a few numbers for community care. It sounds like you've got very little support, maybe some counselling to help you through this difficult time. Good luck with the op. Leave your husband no choice, but to help, remind him of his Wedding vows!!!
It's when I read threads like this that I realise my 'problems' are insignificant. Respect to you OP and good luck with your talk.
I have spoken to dh, I told him I am exhausted, feel ill and cannot cope.
I explained how I need to go on thursday and I need to feel that dcs will be well looked after rather than being made to feel guilty that he's missing work.
I explained how I am less than happy about his holiday and it has to be a one off.
I also asked that when possible I get a bit more time to rest, I am absolutely exhausted and just need maybe 1 lie in a month where he takes dcs does breakfast etc and let's me have an extra hour in bed as I am shattered.I have also mentioned that I will not be putting off anymore of dcs appts/ops etc due to his work/holiday commitments.
He said he will try. I am keeping my fingers crossed things will improve.
Please go to social services and ask for help.
I read your posts and it's like watching a car crash in slow motion, you will literally go mad or kill yourself if you do not get professional help.
Your DH is not trying hard enough and your inlaws see it as you are laying in the bed you made which is awful and your mum and dsis are about as useful as a chocolate tea pot.
Something's gotta give.
Over the past few years I have contacted ss 3 times, each time they have done a couple of visits, contacted dcs school/pre school etc and written a report that I've been sent a copy of and each time it says along the lines of: dcs have health problems x,y,z, their needs are being met, the house was clean, dcs wearing age appropriate clothes/were clean etc.
Things like there were no support groups available but they would speak to children with disabilities team (who said dcs were not severely disabled enough for their input) and then that was it.
I have now applied for direct payments for dcs but was told it takes ages and I have to wait to hear from them as I have to attend a half day course of how to manage payments etc so I'm hoping that comes through soon as it will help immensely.
I did have a homestart lady for 5 weeks (she came each wed for 2.5hrs) but hs lost funding here and shut.
I have probably brought a lot of it on myself. I had 4 dcs knowing full well after dc2 that all would have health issues (although didn't know about all of them only the EDS) but still I suppose I should have thought how would I cope.
Quite honestly, I think you should LTB!! At least if he had the DC for access visits you would get the occasional break!
I know you won't though!
What's done is done op, you can't undo your children and it won't always be this hard, but you will break down completely, mentally and physically if you don't sort this out.
Please get desperate and go back to SS, do not stop asking for help.
It sounds like you cope very well with more than I could. It's understandable that you feel at the end of your tether but you are doing amazingly by the sound of it! Having a spot of V&D and missing 2 days work this week pales in comparison. And I have a minging house after 2 days in my armchair going eeurgh.
Illness in all sides of the family, unsupportive in-laws and parents, your house and your kids are clean fed and at school...
Kudos to you, I hope things do improve for you.
Had to cancel op tomorrow and am hoping to re schedule for next week.
Ds2 started being sick at 1030am and has a v high temperature so I cannot have anything done while he is ill. Knowing my luck the other dcs will get it too. I had spent ages talking to dh last night and he had said it was better to get it done this week, we had sorted everything out booked taxis etc and now its all gone wrong.
Oh I'm sorry, that's awful. What a nightmare. I hope you can get it scheduled and dealt with quickly, and I hope your family can get themselves in gear, TBH, and start realising that helping others generally does mean a bit of inconveniencing of yourself.
Its just our luck. Anything that can go wrong usually does.
Spoke to the hospital who virtually begged me to try and find somebody who could have ds despite him being unwell as thet said its "urgent that you have this diagnostic procedure"
I'm a bit worried but I expect thay have to be cautious just in case. Hopefully they wil have an appt next week.
I know that feeling (that's my luck) as I have loads of stupid health problems and it often feels neverending, but it is nothing compared to what's on your plate all day, everyday. But having said that, I think that can be a bit fatalistic and dangerous for your health - you are having to accept things being awful all the time and like others have said that is going to keep dragging you down.
It is ridiculous that your DH can't see how vital this operation is and been if he looks at it fairly pragmatically, keeping you well will make his life a lot easier.
Are there any other organisations who could give you a bit of respite, even volunteer ones? If you say where you are in the country roughly maybe locals will know of one? It seems mad that SS aren't doing more to help you but may there are some other organisations about...
Seems ridiculous to me to cancel tomorrow because your child is being sick today.
His dad would have been at home with him tomorrow anyway if he's still sick.
Your husband needs a good kick up the arse. Sorry, but you really need to tell him where to get off. He's behaving like a stupid teenager.
Your mum and sister might be fed up of him basically trying to load his responsibilities onto them and are taking a stand (although could have chosen a better occasion).
Your MIL should butt out. It drives me mad when someone has an operation or procedure and someone else says 'oh I had the same and I was back in work the next day' (especially when usually it wasn't 'the same' but something a lot simpler).
Why couldn't your dh look after ds?
And if the hospital are trying to persuade you, then you need to listen to them.
You need to have the op.
Let your dh look after the sick child.
The drs are telling you you need this op ASAP
Your dh needs a short sharp introduction to what your life is like ATM.
He is a big part of our issue IMHO.
So sorry x
Would your DH go to work and leave you with DS whilst he was ill? If yes, why couldn't you go and get a medical procedure you need and leave your DH to cope.
I have no doubt he would have left you to cope. Why are you at the bottom of the heap?
It really is daft to cancel this op because one of your DC is sick today. There is no guarantee that any of the other DC will get it, that will affect anything. Your DH is a parent, leave him to parent while you are in hospital.
" find somebody who could have ds despite him being unwell"
Hasn't he already booked time off?
What's changed just because his son might still be ill tomorrow?
Your husband is a wanker of the first order - I think we have established that on previous threads
Go for the OP then go and stay at a friends or a hotel for the night. Your DS does not need feeding in the day and your DH is his father - he will just have to fucking cope. Honestly.
I feel so sorry for you, it is a terrible situation you are in - but you HAVE to start helping yourself and stop putting up with this shit from this usless twat and stop being at your DS's beck & call.
Tell your useless twat of a husband that your daughters health comes first - she needs both of those proceedures and he can shove taking his holiday and your DS will just have to cope without being breastfed for a few days. Come on - get it sorted!
If you cancel the op and if (big if, but needs to be considered) there is something wrong, by the time you can finally fit the op in around everyone else's needs, it might be too late. Or late enough that your convalescence is significant and long.
Listen to the people who are trying to help you - the hospital staff. Get help, get your DH to man up and please, get the op.
I was going to say sitters too. Let your DH know the cost.
Look, it will cost way more if you have a condition that goes undetected.
I have read your other thread in general health op.
You are using this as an excuse to cancel.
I am sorry to be blunt, but that's what you are doing.
Your dh had booked the time off.
I am sorry your ds is ill but your dh can look after him.
Phone back and get it over with.
I just know how difficult it will be, ds2 has screamed since 1030am, thrown up loads and is only wanting to be bf or drink water.
I am really worried dd2 will come down with as I know she will end up in hospital due to diabetes as if she can't keep anything down we won't be able to cotrol her blood sugars.
The admissions lady is going to phone me and see if there's a space next week as can't leave it any longer than that.
Dh said there's absolutely no way he could cope with ds2 sick and dd2 and her usual day to day stuff.
I really could have done without ds2 being unwell poor little thing.
If you are worried about cost, say you do not want any birthday gifts from anyone but XXX towards childcare at Xyz company as this would be the only useful gift.
Right ow, you are in a situation, do what is best. But it is worrying that your H says he could to cope. What happens if you fall under a bus? Or very ill?
He needs to embrace his family, with their health issues.
No, its not an excuse. Yes I am terrified of having an op but I can't leave ds2 this unwell.dh has said categorically he would not be prepared to have them both when ds is this unwell.
I can understand as ds won't be put down and it is virtually impossible to get anything done, I had to get dh to drive the half an hour back today to change dd2s nappy and do dd2 check and inj before her lunch as couldn't do it 1 handed then he went straight back to work as ds2 has been non stop sick.
I know I need to have it done. It will have to be next week though which I suppose isn't too much of a delay.
"Dh said there's absolutely no way he could cope with ds2 sick and dd2 and her usual day to day stuff."
-about time her learnt then!
dh has said categorically he would not be prepared to have them both when ds is this unwell
They are his children too FGS!!
If my DH said something like that to me I would show him the door!
I have been rebooked for next thursday.
At least that gives ds2 time to get better and even if other dcs do catch whatever he has they should be ok by then.
I know dh needs to do more but for now I am just happy to get ds better and go next week when I know that dh has a better chance of coping with dcs that are not being sick of feeling rubbish as even if ds stops vomiting he has been so ill he won't feel good tomorrow.
I will feel happier knowing they are well as I imagine as soon as I get home after having it done I will have to help (when really I would want to go straight to bed).
If you don't have the op now and there's something wrong theres every chance your dh will need even more time off to look after the kids ... Or worse. Has he thought of that.
I had a minor 'nosey' about op last year. I was on the sofa useless for 2/3 days after because of the ga. my 4 year old did a Stirling job looking after me on day 2 onwards.
You can't be left on your own let alone with little people
So you have been left coping for most of the time with two sick children and yet your DH says he can't cope
Why is it that you are expected to cope but your DH gets to opt out of managing so you cancel an important OP.
FFS wake up. Your DH is not being fair, he is refusing to cope with the stuff that you do day in and day out and is putting your health at risk through his selfishness.
And he expects you to cope for 10 days when he goes on holiday when he can't even cope with one. He is taking the piss out of you and taking you for granted. He is quite happy to see you run yourself into the ground.
To be fair, I don't think he just doesn't want to help. I think its a case of he isn't used to doing what I do day in day out so knows he will find it hard.
He is at work every day so hasn't had a chance to learn how to cope. I've noticed on the odd occasion when he's had dcs for a short time that he will just sit with them and not attempt anything whereas I will put ds2 in the playpen and get bits done (or if that fails hold him and make lunch 1 handed). Dh just finds it too much.
Even I struggled today with doing dd2 inj hence having to get dh to come and do it. Its a huge juggling act. I think a lot of it is all my fault. I rarely give him the chance to learn how to cope as I know I can get things done quicker and its sometimes frustrating watching him attempt lnowing I could do it better/quicker.
I need to take a step back and let him learn from his mistakes. Its just hard when we are always pressed for time etc.
Too many things going on and too many issues to deal with!
Hi, I don't know your backstory but you won't be able to go home after a GA if there is no one to care for you.
Maybe tell the nurses doing the clerking in that there will be no one to take charge of you and see if it's possible to stay in overnight. It's not a perfect solution but it does mean you'll get the necessary rest and your family/h will have to sort the childcare for themselves.
Stop blaming yourself and taking responsibility for everything. You have to step back and stop coping for a bit so he will take up the slack. I really don't think it is fair he is going on holiday unless a similar break is booked for you.
Your DH is unbelievable. I'm a single parent and have no family in London and after my op, my ex (who is generally difficult and a bit of a shit) picked me up after day surgery and stayed for 24 hours to look after our DD. If my ex can do me a favour that he by no means is obligated to do, your husband should damn well be doing this!
You are being too fair.
That's the problem.
"dh has said categorically he would not be prepared to have them both when ds is this unwell"
OP this would be a deal breaker for me. He's "not prepared" to look after his own children?
I know nothing of your previous posts, relationship with DH or health issues other than what I have read here and I just need to really tell you that this has made the most shocking reading I have ever come across on MN. I can't express that strongly enough.
I am not sure if you have been worn down so much, if you are scared of the procedure, or if you are in denial but if there is nothing else you read from my post please read this:
Your DH is an utter and complete totally useless wanker
I have never ever seen or heard anything like this in my life!
YOU NEED A BIOPSY!!!! The hospital are telling you it's urgent.
HE IS THEIR FATHER. There is no "can't cope" about it.
This is just utter BS
"Dh said there's absolutely no way he could cope with ds2 sick and dd2 and her usual day to day stuff."
I am sorry to be so blunt (and negative) but WHAT WILL HE DO IF YOUR MEDICAL ISSUE IS UNDIAGNOSED FOR TOO LONG AND YOU ARE SERIOUSLY ILL OR WORSE, LOSE YOUR LIFE?!?
WHAT WILL HE DO? (Yes I am shouting).
Please please OP, take a step back and assess your DH's behaviour with some objectivity.
Because his attitude is just ludicrous. It's unreal. I absolutely implore you to think about this seriously and to GET YOUR BIOPSY DONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Your health is not a luxury you should gamble with.
"To be fair, I don't think he just doesn't want to help. I think its a case of he isn't used to doing what I do day in day out so knows he will find it hard."
OP for goodness sake, stop enabling and making excuses for unacceptable behaviour !!!!!!!!!!
He will find it hard?! Hard?
WELL SO BE IT, HE WILL HAVE A HARD FEW DAYS !! THAT'S LIFE. SUCK IT UP.
I can't bear to read this anymore, it's just crazy. I wish you all the best.
If you keep putting off this surgery because of your DH not coping, he could very well end up in a situation where he is going to have to cope with a lot more. Don't mean to sound like a doom monger but you absolutely must go next week, come hell or high water or poorly kids.
And he can fuck off with his holiday after being such a useless twat over a couple of days looking after his own children.
If you lay down and act like a doormat then people will wipe their feet on you. Man up op-kick your useless family to the curb and make your dh start toeing the party line-starting by cancelling this ridiculous solo holiday
Its all too easy to get comfortable in the role of martyr.
I know, I am so used to things being a certain way and coming bottom of the pile that I probably accept what others wouldn't. I do need to stick up for myself, I do need this op done and dh does need to do more.
I'm tempted to tell him that this weekend is his practice run for next thurs-would that be a good idea? I could just leave him to it with all 4 of them for a few hours on both days.
Never done it before but it might make him more confident about just having 2 of them next week?
I need to do something. I didn't realise my situation was this bad but I am shocked at peoples reactions and am starting to think maybe I do deserve something better than what I put up with.
'I can't leave ds2 this unwell.dh has said categorically he would not be prepared to have them both when ds is this unwell.
I can understand as ds won't be put down and it is virtually impossible to get anything done.'
Well, that is tough. They are HIS children as well as yours. If you would and could look after your son this unwell, so could he.
And fuck 'He said he will try'. Try what? Parenting? Please, OP, do not put up with this any more.
And tell your MIL to mind her own fucking beeswax as well.
x-posted. I'm afraid I don't see why the poor lamb needs his confidence boosted about looking after HIS OWN CHILDREN.
I know I'm shouting, but I just think this is unacceptable. You DO deserve better.
Do go out on the weekend even if its just to sit in a cafe with a cuppa and a book for an hour. It will make a difference even though it will feel odd and you will worry because you are so used to doing all the coping and organising.
You need time off-duty; no one can manage being on call 24/7.
Look..I do sympathise.
I am a bit
lot of a control freak and I like things done my way too (comes from being a sahm for so long I think) but you must see that this situation is totally untenable.
I can leave dh with our dc and have (and on occasion have had to) and its been fine.
OP, I think parents can be guilty of putting themselves last.
But this is too important an issue.
There really should have been no discussion-that was your appointment, those were the days he needed off, that was it.
And the weekend-do what you want!
Go out all day for both days if you want-or a couple of hours each day.
It shouldn't be an issue!
A good father is able to look after his children, just like a good mother does. Your DH is taking the piss.
I struggle with all 4 on my own but more and more I've noticed lately that dh can't really manage 2 of them.
I will be letting him have a good few hours 'practice' this weekend. Might be good for him if I'm not there he can do things his way then and get better at coping with them all.
'dh can't really manage 2 of them'.
Sorry but I think this is really a case of 'won't', not 'can't'.
He 'can't' manage them, because he has never had to.
By all means tell him you are nipping to the shop on saturday, go and have a coffee, get your hair done.
If he can't handle everything you do while you are recovering from your op, maybe the housework goes unattended for a few days or whatever. But he has to look after his own kids or as others have said (and I think I did similar yesterday) He might find he has no choice, as you could no longer be here. Just like if you got hit by a bus tomorrow.
I have told dh that under no circumstances am I cancelling op next week. He HAS to get to grips with dcs and this weekend he will have a good few hours to look after them all and get used to doing everything as I need to feel I can go to hosp and concentrate on myself not worry about dcs.
Ds2 is still really poorly. I fully expect other dcs to get it too but have told dh that if any are still unwell next week I won't cancel again he will have to deal with it.
I have also rearranged dd2 hernia op and made appt for diabetes clinic and if anything coincides with his holiday then so be it.
Thank god for that. It seems that something might be getting through about how completely and unbelievably wrong your whole set up is.
You are on your knees with those kids and he books a fucking holiday on his own for 10 days, then wont look after them for you to have an OP. Jesus wept. and you know what, what's even worse than that... you both put your DD's surgery/pump off for his fucking holiday plans and he sees his daughters surgery as impacting on his annual leave... it is beyond disgusting to be frank.
Great steps forward.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
No, not enjoying it in the slightest.
I'm not sure what sex has got to do with it ?! But since you have so kindly mentioned it, With the problems I've had (hence op that I need) I think the last occasion that happened was probably around the time I got pregnant! Totally irrelevant really but it might put your mind at rest
And yes, dh was refusing to claim dla but we have now sent the claim off.it was just really hard for him to admit his physical weaknesses, I think there's an element of guilt there too that he contributed to dcs problems by passing on genetic problems and he hates admitting it so the dla form was hard work.
I think you should claim the money you are entitled to, it will make life so much easier.
You know what?
When it's your kids you fucking suck it up and deal with it.
He sounds like a man child.
And you enable him.
Dcs all get dla and we get carers/ctc etc. Just dh dla and also direct payments in the pipeline for dcs which hopefully will make a big difference.
I'm just trying to get through each day and do what I need to for dcs.
I am trying my absolute best to make things better. Not long ago dh was constantly lending to his family all the time. I stopped all that and now there is minimal contact.
I was being dragged down by difficult situations/relationships within my family and I distanced myself from the caring role I had been forced into. I am trying really hard to untangle so many unhealthy situations and I don't get it right sometimes.
I am very aware of not repeating the same mistakes/toxic relationships that have caused me so many problems but I do find it all very hard.
I post on here a lot as sometimes I need a different point of view/advice as I have nobody in rl who is able to take a step back and see the situation for what it really is and offer the right advice.Sometimes a stranger can probably sEe things much more clearly than I can as I'm so wrapped up in petty things as well as the big issues.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Please listen to TSC
She talks sense.
Dh really really annoys me as puts work above everything else, already this year we have postponed dd2s hernia op and her transferring to an insulin pump (she's diabetic and on inj) as he can't get time off/has a holiday booked that doesn't want mucked up
How can you love a man that would do this????
I do moan about him a lot, same can be said about MIL, DM and Dsis.
All of these people cause me huge amounts of stress and difficulties.Unfortunately I am surrounded by a lot of toxic people and difficult characters (mil).
The financial aspect is well and truly under control but has taken a huge amount of work and caused a lot of arguments but we are doing a lot better now that dh has realised there will never, ever be any more lending.
Admittedly he does have issues with dcs and the level of care they need.I DO find it easier/quicker to let him 'get away' with it sometimes as I know I can get things done whereas I shoyld give him the opportunity to be in difficult/stressful situations with them like I have to. Perhaps I am a control freak in that respect.
He does put work/holiday before dcs appointments and that is something that needs addressing.He only moved in properly with us when I was pregnant with ds2 as for years his mother had been keeping him at home/using him and he let her because in his words he "is too nice" (or just weak).
He does help though, he gets up in the night when dcs are all up, he does his fair share of housework and at weekends he does do all dd2 injections its just he struggles if has to look after more than 1 dc at a time on his own.
I need to make sure that changes and leave him to it sometimes.
I don't know what else to say? I'm really trying my best but everytime I think I'm getting somewhere something else goes wrong and its hard, I'm exhausted by it all.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
The work issue is a problem. Managing dcs appts etc has been hard.
We did discuss dh giving up work to help care for dcs but he didn't want to, instead saying he would arrange time off for appts etc but as they have so many he has found he is struggling to keep up with his work and as he works for bil it can cause problems. Dh wants to remain working but does get irritated by all the appts.
Hernia op is now rearranged.I was very upset about the pump issue as he clearly knew it would take some getting used to and he didn't want to jeopardise his holiday.
At present we are doing ok with the injections so it isn't affecting dds health to not yet have a pump as we are strict with carb counting but long term it will be necessary to have her on a pump.
He has said to me if he had known that on tip of the genetic problems that dd would also get diabetes then we would have stopped at 3. But we didn't know it would happen and its done now, we have 4 dcs and dh struggles with all of them.
I struggle with all of them on my own but whereas I see it as just part of being a parent and I have to do it, dh doesn't. He wants to get out to work/go on holiday.I think he's wrong a lot of the time but I try to see it from his point of view too.
I really really don't know what else to say.
If all your 4 children are getting DLA, surely some money could go towards getting some carers in to help,particularly at times of crisis like this? Isn't that what the money is for, rather than holidays for their father?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
No dd does not know that and I'd never tell her either.
Even if there had been no op/pump planned then I still don't think he should have planned a holiday. I don't want him to go. He knows that but he won't cancel it.
I could really put my foot down, hide his passport and tell him in no uncertain terms he will not be going but then I know what I will get from mil/bil and tbh I really don't need it.
It is not an expensive holiday, he is camping/fishing in france. Bil has paid for majority dh just got his passport renewed. But that's not the point the point is he will be away for 10 days so even ifit had been an expensive holiday its the being away that is the issue.
Yes we had to use a foodbank earlier in year. Dh was out of work with no wges for 5weeks before dd2 dla came through and we had no money, not a case of taking the piss at all??
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
This person puts himself and his wants and needs before you and your 4 dc.
He needs to give up work and help you raise your dc.
He shouldn't care what bil/mil say.
He shouldn't be pissing off on a holiday for 2 weeks and leaving you with 4 dc with complex needs.
But.....you don't seem to agree.
So I will be off.
This thread is very very upsetting.
Your poor dc.
Majority of the dla goes on taxi fares and various other things to help with dcs disabilities, none of it has been used for dh holiday.he has no access to any of our finances.
We have applied for direct payments for carers but it takes weeks to come through we were informed.
yes....because he has proved he can't be trusted.
Not long after dd2 was dx with diabetes I asked dh to give up work to jointly care for dcs with me. He didn't want to and said he would reduce his hours/book time off for appts.
I actually posted about it and the majority view seemed to be that he should remain in work not rely on benefits and stay at home with me to care for dcs.we have tried and its not really working but he wants to stay in work hence me applying for direct payments to get help caring for dcs.
I am not taking the piss. Iam not a martyr. I am doing my best in a very very difficult situation.
That's correct he cannot be trusted with our money as he has in the past continuously lent to his family. I now get his wages into my account, I have his card, I got rid of all his credit cards and all bills go from my account as there was no other way.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Why do I need to advance search myself???
How is that helpful in any way whatsoever? I am well aware of my previous postings as obviously you are too TSC.
What exactly have I done wrong, apart from coming on here as have no rl support. Sometimes I need to 'talk' to get things off my chest and in no way at all is that helpful.
Do you have any idea at all what it is like to be at rock bottom. Dragging up my posting history helps me how exactly??
Well, I hope others do an advanced search on me but I don't expect the vast majority to be as uncaring or downright rude as you.
What does this man actually do to improve your life?
Stop making excuses for him and tell him to shape up or sod off. If hes unable to cope with his children he should bloody well learn quickly. They are all old enough for him to deal with them.
You cant keep complaining if you wont take steps to make your life easier.
I have taken steps to improve things but can't do it all at once.
The lending was a problem I sorted it out. My family/situation caring for dsis was a problem. I stopped that. I can only do so much. I am trying.
I have NOBODY in rl. This is where I vent things. I have nowhere else.
Actually OP - it may seem as though TSC is being uncaring and rude - may seem that way to you, it doesn't to me - but actually she's being exactly what you need. You need people to stop pussyfooting around you and nodding and telling you how dreadful it all is whilst you revel in the sympathy but actually DO NOTHING about your horrendous situation.
Admit it. You do nothing. If you were in the slightest proactive you'd do something about your useless waste of skin husband instead of continually excusing and defending him. Your problems would reduce by 80% if you chased his useless no good ass out of your life. You probably don't see that.
What you DO need is someone like TSC straight-talking you.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
In no way at all have I done nothing???
Lending situation/caring for dsis were problems I addressed. Dh wouldn't claim dla-he has now. I was struggling, was advised on here about direct payments and I've applied.
How on earth is that nothing??? Coupled with the day to day running of the house and looking after dcs I am doing my absolute best. I cannot just click my fingers and change everything.
So I have no idea about being rock bottom? Thanks
Make this his problem, not yours. Make it clear than on x date, you will be getting up at x time and going to hospital. You will then be unavailable until y date. Tell him this once, and tell him that you will not discuss the matter with him again. If he finds himself without any sort of plan on the morning that you leave for hospital, then he will be the one panicking and trying to sort it out.
And mean it.
Very good advice Pannda. Will OP follow it?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I think she'll give him wriggle room. I think she'll keep raising it, hoping he's going to suddenly shape up, and that will give him a chance to present his arguments and involve her in his crapness, until suddenly it's the day before the Op and he's asking her what she's done about childcare.
I don't know what I will do. To be completely honest I don't think I care any more.
I obviously have a husband who couldn't care less about me.
I'm with TSC I'm afraid. You need more than MN to sort your life. It's not sympathy that can help you but a cold, hard wake up call that you have to sort this out. Your Dh sounds like an arse. He needs to cancel his holiday and look after his own children. You need to tell him that. It is no use posting week in week out if you are not prepared to listen to any of the very advice given.
Send the lazy, ineffective man-child back home to his mummy.
If he has weekend contact then at least you get a break, and if he doesn't bother with contact then you're probably no worse off than having him hanging around the place, entirely failing to help with anything.
My lovely dsis is like you and is last in everything. She is a lot older than you Ariane and totally knackered by life now. She has health problems as well.
In this thread I am totally shocked your DP gets to go away leaving you with all four dc knowing no one will help with anything and you have health problems.
He needs to cancel the holiday, I have read about lots of selfish men on MN but this is bloody heartbreaking.
I would really like to know how to get all my threads deleted. I'm only on my phone so can't access much of the site.
I cannot cope. I certainly won't be posting ever again but I don't know how to delete everything.
I have just had enough.
You certainly won't help anything by throwing a huge strop and 'never posting again'. How does that help anything? You haven't liked being told some stone cold hard truth. I think you should have a hard think about what's been said to you and your reaction to it. I think it's very telling and I think if you give it enough thought you might well mark this as the exact point when YOU started to change YOUR life.
I am not throwing a strop. I just want my threads deleted and to not post again. Not a strop just giving up.
I don't know how to delete them.I cannot get to much apart from talk on my phone as it keeps saying page too large to load and closing if I go on anything else.
Like others have said I moan and post about the same things all the time. I just needed to vent. I have had good advice and I have made changes recently but obviously not enough.
I am not saying the advice on here is wrong. It is not that making me give up. I just don't want to do this anymore.
Why on earth would you ask for all your posts to be deleted?
It was when somebody mentioned advance searching myself.
I feel like an idiot. I hate what my life is I want no reminder of it left.I just want to delete it all. I wish I could delete more than just threads and postings.
Ariane, please please stay, if only to rant when you need to. Your posts are starting to worry me and I'm scared for your safety to be honest. Pm me if you need to talk x
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
There has to be a way in which this can be made better for you. Getting rid of dh would be your first bet. I'm so sorry you are going through this
you arent an idiot. you said yourself you need somewhere to offload. the things posters are saying maybe harsh but are true.
keep posting x
Oh ariane are you ok?
There's a time and place for straight talking. I don't think this was it, but it's most definitely not now. Ease up people.
People are being blunt but frankly it's because we are worried for you. You put off a biopsy, which might be time critical, because your DH said he couldn't cope yet he won't put off his holiday for you. I am genuinely concerned that you will crumble under the pressure before long.
What I don't quite understand Ariane, is the number of times you say he won't take days of work to help you?
How can he afford to take days off willy nilly, the workplace isn't like that.
Surely he'd lose his job?
Are there people on this thread who need reminding that MN's raison d'être is to make parents' lives EASIER?
OP please be kind to yourself.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Ariane, getting the threads deleted will not erase them from our memories. Unfotunately, they are heart wrenching and stick in our minds once we read them.
That does not mean you are wrong to come here for support, that is what MN is here for.
It does mean that people get frustrated that you appear not to be listening to the advice given, as nothing seems to change.
However, your last few posts show you have started to make changes, something that I know you find hard.
Continue to post, but continue to make the changes that will improve your life and that of your children.
Make sure your husband does look after them for a while this weekend. Make sure you take some nice time for yourself while he does this. Then have that biopsy. Then, next on the list is sorting out the op for your diabetic child. Do not let anything your husband says or does prevent you doing what is best for the health of that child. If you continue to do that, you risk HCPs raising it as a concern with SS.
Good post MammaTJ.
Ariane you are making progress, please do have break over the weekend you really need it.
Good god I've never seen your other threads but thus one alone is enough.
It's probably all been said before but can you get some help to raise your own self worth so that you can start to stick up for yourself more.
Your gp would be a good start and can refer you for cbt therapy to help change your outlook and response to stuff.
Your husbands behaviour is not normal even by comparison to some of the shit we read on here.
Your reaction to his behaviour is also not typical and that's what allows him to do it.
Sometimes on here posters feel so frustrated with a persons seemingly crap and wasted life that it can come across as aggressive and make you feel worse.
That's not necessarily a bad thing you know.
It took my family and a magistrate to get cross with me before I left a very abusive relationship and I suspect that's why your family won't help. They probably think "why should I help when her dh is doing nothing?"
Stay here and get support while you make some changes. They will be easier to do with support.
Re the op. tell the staff you have no help and ask if you can possibly stay there for the day. You should not be alone after a ga.
Ariane, you ARE making progress. Solving the money problem is a huge progress in itself. It is not something that would go easily even in families with no other serious problems that your familiy has. Then you sorted out the prblem with your DSis, direct payment, etc. The thing is, your family is facing so many difficulties and challenges that when you address 3 of them it looks like you are still doing nothing because there are so many left. But that is misleading, I honestly think that you are doing your best to solve them.
I agree with kingfupannda. Make your problem his problem. At the day of operation just leave the house and go to the hospital. Return when it's done. What happens in between is not your problem. He is an adult, he can manage 4 children for ONE day! If he thinks he can't manage, make HIM arrange family support. Maybe it won't be easy for him, but hey ho. Your health takes priority over his comfort.
Hoping you come back op, lots of support still here.
I have come back to this thread as I have had some kind responses and helpful advice. I did have a couple of very bad days but I've read back through the posts and taken it all on board.
I know I HAVE recently made changes for the better. I am very aware I need to do more but it will not be an overnight miracle.
This is where I come to get it all off my chest when I've had a hard day.
I have spoken at great length with dh again about our issues. He has agreed to do more to help with dcs, It will obviously not be easy for him (had an issue this morning when I needed help getting dcs all ready I asked him to change ds2, and put him in cot-he said he couldn't as didn't know where toys were to keep ds occupied and unless I got some he couldn't put him in cot and help with others.usually I'd have jumped up got toys and taken over but I just said to him "go and look, find some toys and put him in there) which he did and it was all ok but he does need to be told I think.
I have explained to him that he needs to do more. He has to be fair made an effort but it needs to carry on.
This weekend I will be leaving him for a while with dcs and I have said that no matter what is wrong on day of my op even if all 4 dcs ill at home that I will still be going regardless.
I will continue trying to sort things out but probably will avoid starting as many threads, it was a coping strategy for me due to having no rl support and not being able to access counselling but I suppose if I post less it means I have to deal with day to day issues myself which might make me stronger?
Did you cancel your operation?
Good for you OP
Is the operation next week? Thursday IIRC?
Yes next thursday, and unless something very serious happens I will not be cancelling again!
I know things have to change. I'm really hoping that direct payments will make a big difference when they come through. It will enable dh to carry on working as I will have the help I need with dcs.
How long do you have to wait for the direct payments?
The lady I spoke to said it can take weeks. I've sent the paperwork in now have to wait for an appt for a half day course on how to manage direct payments.
Once I've completed that they should pay soon after (I've had to set up new accounts for each qualifying child).
I didn't even know about direct payments untill recently, I am really hoping it is what's needed to make a difference.
It sounds like you are making further progress which is great. I think having some time to yourself will be a revelation (but might feel very strange).
Start threads as and when you need, there's no right amount of posting to do. After all, you are taking on board the helpful suggestions and acting on them so hopefully it can continue to be a source of support.
Best of luck for the op.
Sounds like you're are taking some really positive steps. That is great. Keep on at him. Not knowing where the toys are is a stupid excuse for not doing something.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Today has been a bit tough. I get the distinct impression dh is not exactly happy with me.
I have had to be quite abrupt with him. I've made a point of asking him to please do things he wouldn't usually. For example I gave him ds2 and then reminded him dd2 needed a blood sugar check and dinner needed to be put on-he looked at me as if to say "I cant-im holding the baby I can't do all that" I said to him "this is what I have to do when you are at work. It is hard but you can manage, put ds2 in the playpen, check dd2 and if she is ok get dinner on".
I felt like a nag and I just went upstairs to neaten up the bedrooms so that I couldnt be tempted to help him.
It wasn't as if he didn't do anything before but he was selective about what he would do and it was either housework/cooking OR keeping an eye on dcs, never both at same time like I have to!!
I do feel better though, and in the long run it will help as I won't have everything on my shoulders.
Good for you op! I got really good advice on here after years of my dh being a complete lazy pig around the house-give him specific instructions! So now instead of me doing it all and being resentful I shall say well dh there is the kids baths to do or the ironing so which one are you doing?
Don't get me wrong-I still do 90% off the housework but it is improving slowly and this is what you have to work on with your dh. Don't cave in now! and don't take any crap off him!-they are his kids too!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Of course YANBU-or a nag.
If he used a bit of sense, you wouldn't have to tell him anything!
Usually when two adults are there, they chip in to make it easier for each other-even if one has been at work all week.
It's part of life with young children!
I couldn't see it before and although dh has faults of his own making some faults are def of my making.
For too long I've stepped in as I know I can do certain things quicker (and we are always in a rush) and he has come to rely on that.
I would say "oh its not his fault he can't do x,y,z" but really I needed to step back, let him learn and just put up with being late or behind schedule.
Mil has never helped matters dh told me today that when he lived next door to his dm a few years ago she would phone him at dinner time and pass his food over the fence-he would then pass the plates back to her to wash up after!!! He REALLY was pampered by her and I do not want to end up doing the same!
He is capable of doing more and I think finally I have realised I need to pack my violin away and stop being a doormat.
TSC - that's nice.
OP - I'm impressed. I hope you keep posting, I find myself caring about you & what happens to you and your DC
and your hopeless tit of a husband
Ariane, none of his faults are of your making. He can make his own, all by himself
I'm rootin for ya!
It's not your fault-he didn't have to always accept you stepping in therefore leaving himself clueless!
Hope all goes well for you.
Asked dh to give ds2 a wash after his breakfast he replied "no, I can't find the flannels and he is too wriggly you will have to do it.I'm getting dd2 ready"
I said how sometimes you have to deal with more than 1 child at once and he can't keep picking the easiest jobs as now I would have to hold ds2, find a flannel and do it as well as everything else I needed to get done.
I mentioned how on day of my op when I'm home and day after I will be in bedroom with door shut so he will have to manage then he said "you won't need to be in bed, being a bit groggy isn't an excuse" followed by "I can manage when I want to or have to but today its easier for you to sort ds out-hes YOUR little baby".
I'm so annoyed.when I have my op I might just ask to stay in overnight rather than go home to that situation.
Good grief, what a tit! An "excuse"
how can he live with himself? What a poor excuse for a father and husband. I am for you.
he really cannot see that he is expecting you to carry on as usual after an OPERATION whilst he cannot manage to look after more than one child at once when he is completely well.
He is a waste of space.
"being groggy isn't an excuse"
Hmm, so the only valid excuse is... being a man?
Have you asked him why he can't manage just once to do the things you do every day? Does he think that you're superwoman? Or that he's a total incompetent?
I am so so angry. Don't know what else to say.
I just had a meltdown and cried and shouted at him.said I was going for a walk with ds2 he said why can't I go during the week as I only have dd2 as well and if she's at pre school that's when I should go for a walk.
He really really needs to change his attitude. I am sick and tired of it. He wanted 4 dcs as well so he needs to do an equal amount of work.apparently its fathers day he would "rather be doing nothing"
"I can manage when I want to .... "
.... and that, unfortunately, is the crux of the matter.
He is vile and selfish to an almost unimaginable degree - I'm so sorry OP, and FWIW, I think you're fantastic doing what you do (although I'm very worried for your physical and mental health).
The holiday thing is also disgusting. How could anyone live with themselves after that ? ..... he may want a holiday, as I'm sure you do too, but you'd win hands down on who needs a holiday - it's not so much about the cost but about the time and the abdication of responsibility. I know at the end of the day he should have said no but am also very angry on your behalf at the insensitivity and crassness of the BIL who suggested this in the first place - how bloody dare he make out your DH needs and/or is entitled to a break when he must know how hard things are at home - for you !
"YOUR little baby" is also him justifying a lack of responsibility. Does he imagine he was conceived immaculately ?
I'm going on strike.
Obviously when dh at work I will have to carry on as usual but not when he's here. I am going to show him exactly what I have to do.
Might make him realise.
What happened on Mother's Day op? Did you have a whole day doing nothing? You don't even need to answer because we all know that would never happen so regardless if it being Father's Day I'd be trotting out the door ALONE right about now & wishing DH a lovely day with his children...
Please book yourself in overnight after your op otherwise you know without any doubt that you'll be left doing everything
hold on to that righteous anger ariane5
He is testing you , he is waiting for you to fall back to your normal pattern of things . But you aren't going to and I think this is freaking him out slightly .
Just continue doing what you are doing , he can do this stuff when he wants to , he just generally doesn't want to . He would rather watch you make yourself ill than make more effort himself .
Sorry but he sounds like a brat , and him telling you all the things his mum did for him is just him making more excuses for his shite behaviour .
Nothing is his fault , he is blaming his mum and you are blaming yourself . Meanwhile he gets to cop out .
And I would make sure you explained to the hospital exactly what you will have to deal with when you are discharged and ask if you can stay in overnight .
The man needs a sodding wake up call !
Oh bloody hell.
Well, I supposed it wasn't going to happen overnight.
But he does have to manage today as you want a break.
I like your new found attitude; you don't get to pick and choose how much or how little you do so why should he. He also chose to have 4 children so he has to deal with it.
I would consider an overnight stay if he thinks you are going to step in after a GA.
Oh my!! My ExH was a man who had been spoiled by his mother. I remember my own DM visiting and being shocked when I asked him, when he was stood right by the bag of potatoes, to pass them to me and he told me to get them myself. I just got on with it, because the agrument was not worth the hassle. However, long term, it would have been better to argue and sort things out.
One further thought. I wouldn't be surprised given what you say about his mum if he thinks the housework and children are your job and that when he helps out he is doing you "a favour". He needs to understand its as much his you as yours.
Look out for phrases like
- I helped you with the hoovering
- I put the washing on for you
i.e. it's really your job
Oh my gosh...just read this thread. I am so angry on your behalf OP!! WHAT an entitled man!!! He sounds like such a prince (not blaming anyone other than himself but his mother did not help in shaping this man to be the prize idiot he is). I think you have an uphill battle with this one, and at the same time it should not be YOUR responsibility to get him to change. It is obvious you work so hard out of love for your family and esp. your children, and it is difficult to not take over and do so much when you love them so much.
But honestly, your OH needs to just get on with it and stop making excuses. He is so entitled....and entitled men really can be a scourge, on their partners, their children and on society. Really - would you be worse off alone??
He want to do nothing on Fathers day? He isn't a father in any way other than a biological one.
He's a massive bellend op.
He can't manage all the dc on a normal day but you have to after surgery.
I'm having minor surgery soon and haven't even considered what ill do about the children.
Dh will simply take over because he's their dad and he loves and cares about me.
That is sadly what I think your dh is lacking, actual care, love and concern for you.
You wouldn't expect your worst enemy to care for four kids after surgery never mind your own wife.
Ariane good luck with your strike. He sounds like an utter bellend.
I had a hysteroscopy without a biopsy not long ago and I was wiped out for days. That's without a household to run, or 4 DC to look after.
Be kind to yourself xxx
What a day.
I've done NO housework and pretty much left dh to it just to prove my point. To be fair he has done everything (and managed fine) but seems a bit sulky. He will get over it though.
It was our wedding anniversary today (1st) dh got me and card, as did my dm and dsis. Everybody else forgot, not one member of dh family remembered although I didn't expect them too as they are not keen on me.
I feel like I've had a slightly easier day today at least with less to do !
If he says one word then pull him to one side and say this;
You have 4 children. I have to manage them all by myself when you are at work. I'll have to manage them all by myself day and night when you swan off to France for 10 days. Pull yourself together and grow up. I do not have the time or the inclination to parent a fifth child. If you don't care or respect me to want to be an EQUAL parent, then you know where the door is.
Well now you know he can manage and he knows you know. No excuses for him now when you go into hospital.
Another step forward.
I am feeling a little guilty (but not showing it to dh) as he is in agony (he also has eds) after a day looking after dcs taking ds2 for a walk earlier and bathing him in our teeny bathroom has caused him severe knee and back pain.
He seems to be in agony, I've tried to play it down-suggested nurofen and a bath but he's just looking sorry for himself. The thing is I'm permanently exhausted so although I care that he's not well I feel if I show too much sympathy he will use it as an excuse.
Hi Ariane, just read this all the way through and I'm so glad you are taking a firm stand. It needs to be done, for the sake of your sanity.
When my DH struggles with the DC, I have started to follow a simple rule: I ask myself "What would DH do in this situation if our positions were reversed?" If the answer is "He'd leave me to struggle" then that's what I do to him. It makes me feel like a right bitch but otherwise I'd end up doing 90% of the parenting. You have to look after yourself too - running yourself completely into the ground will not do your or your family any good in the long run.
Please continue in this strong vein, it is heartening to see!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Keep your mind focused on your upcoming surgery, you cannot let anything stand in the way, remember you've been advised its urgent so if not now, when. When you go, leave dh with a idiot-proof list of things that need doing or reminders so he has no excuse of not knowing what to do. If you have no guarantee that he'll help once you're home, it'll be safer all round if you stay in hospital.
Don't cave in. You have all of us cheering you on!!
He wasn't too bothered when you were exhausted and at the end of your tether though, was he?
It's so hard, but you have to be tough. Ignore the sighing and the puppy dog eyes and let him get on with it. If he moans, then ask him why it's alright for you to be knackered and in pain, but not him?
You have to be rock solid on this; it's not about being unkind, it's about being fair. Which is why it is important that you challenge any complaints from him. Why is it OK for him to sit back and watch you struggle.
Oh, and I would seriously sort yourself out with time away. If he is buggering off for 10 days then make sure you get an equal break. He is their - he is just as responsible for parenting them as you.
I do feel for you, but I can't help thinking that you would be less tired and stressed if your H was stepping up and doing his bit.
Bloody tablet, that should say that he is their father.
Tell him it's practice for when you are RESTING AFTER SURGERY
What is eds? Btw.
Lots of parents look after kids with less than perfect health themselves as you know only too well.
Another idea is to maybe demonstrate some kindness to show him what it looks like.
EDS-Ehlers danlos syndrome (hypermobility type) is a genetic condituon affecting all connective tissue. Symptoms include pain,fatigue and frequent dislocations (dh suffers with daily knee dislocations).
Dcs also have it (severely as I do too and they have got it from us both) also they have other associated conditions (pectus excavatum-dh,dd1 and ds2 have this-a misshapen ribcage and dd1 has pots causing faints/dizziness).
I do recognise that dh has pain issues which obviously I don't want to make worse but all of us have the same problems so the situation is different to how it would be if only 1 of us had health issues. We all have pain but we all have to do things to help.
Don't get me wrong I do love dh but things need to be more equal.
Absolutely! That is the key factor,fairness.
As a sufferer he should surely have more empathy. X understanding if your need for help as well.
Hope it's all going ok.
<<three cheers for ariane5>>
Keep it up kiddo, you're doing bloody fantastic.
Dh tidied up this evening after putting dcs to bed.
He wasn't happy but he did it. I did feel slightly awkward watching him struggle. He also cleaned and hoovered the car out as well during his break at work.
I think he has realised how much I do and I'm hoping things will continue to be more equal.
Bit of an atmosphere though, not sure how to approach it as he seems a bit quiet and annoyed. I'm not saying too much as I think its just sulking.
<waves pompoms> Go ariane!
Ignore the sulking, carry on as normal. Good luck for your op tomorrow
Agree, no need to 'approach' anything. Let him sulk and hopefully soon enough he'll get a grip.
Very good luck for your op.
Well, that's a personal attack if ever I have seen one. Feeling good there mouthing off from behind your computer screen morticia74?
Ah well. your comment has been reported. It is a personal attack and very much against the rules of MN as well as normal peoples morality.
Good lord Ariane it looks like you might have found your spine!! Well done you.
Morticia - You're WAY out of order. If you don't like the way Ariane is dealing with things you're very welcome to get the hell of a thread SHE started.
Ariane - I have been on some of your earlier threads, and I've seen how much you've changed, in a relatively short space of time, really. You did so well standing up to your DH about lending the money, and about helping your DSIS out every sodding day.
Why can't some people understand that not EVERYTHING can be changed in a short space of time?
morticia74 did you mean to be so rude?
Ariane Good luck with your operation.
ooh is there a wanker on the loose?
goodluck ariane hope tomorrow goes well
Good luck chick, ignore the twat on the thread. Will be thinking of you tomorrow
Morticia you appear to be new - may I suggest a little more lurking and a swift name change? You do seem to be raising some hackles unfortunately.
<honking at full volume>
Good for you, good for you, good for you, ariane! You can do it, just don't let yourself weaken! Your family needs a proper dad.
and for the record, my hospital wouldn't let me home in the care of a mature and competent 16yo picking me up in a taxi after a far simpler operation under GA
so I'm trying to imagine their response if I'd told them that actually, I'll be going home on my own to look after 4 disabled children
Really, Luis? Please forgive me but I am so not going to take your advice. If people don't like what I say (ie the truth) then report me (seriously, I don't give a fuck if I'm banned) or disagree. Free country and all that.
Ah I see you have been deleted quite a lot Morticia. You are obviously very wound up - perhaps you could allow posters to support you? You seem to be having a very difficult time.
Best of luck for tomorrow.
It may surprise you to know that there is a difference between plain speaking and twattery. Unfortunately you seem to be posting on the wrong side of the divide.
p.s. this thread isn't about you and your ego
Another difficult day, dcs not particularly well esp dd2 but have still managed to make progress.
Dh has been a lot more helpful today, still a bit quiet but hasn't actually complained.
Bit nervous about tomorrow but I'm sure it'll be ok.
It will be fine. Sleep well.
I just keep reminding myself that dh IS capable of looking after dcs and that they will all be fine with him.
I won't be rushing home afterwards though! Want to get as much rest as I can then go straight to bed when I do get in.
Dh off the following day too.
Just want to wish you all the best for tomorrow. It's natural to feel nervous . Take good care of yourself, and take plenty of rest.
Good luck for tomorrow ariane hope everything works out ok
Ariane, good luck for tomorrow, xxxx
Some call it gushiness, others call it support. Good luck tomorrow ariane, will be thinking of you. Do get as much rest as you can before heading home and DON'T feel guilty about it or one of us will slap you with a virtual kipper
Just read the thread and wanted to say good luck tomorrow and well done for starting to change things. Really, it is so hard to change the patterns we get into, you are doing so great.
Ariane, I've been reading along, and I hope you're getting a good night's sleep and tomorrow's operation (today, here!) goes really smoothly. You're doing brilliantly.
Just read your thread and wanted to wish the best of luck today.
Your new attitude is very refreshing. I think assertiveness is like a muscle. It gets stronger and better the more you use it, which is what you are doing. More power to you, don't give in!
Thankyou for all the support.
Nervous about the morning and really tired-ds2 currently keeping us up as he's unwell (again) with very high temp, generally miserable and wanting to be bf. He had a uti last week and is still on anti b but started with a temperature again yesterday.
Given calpol/nurofen and asked dh to take him back to gp in morning.
Really hoping he goes back to sleep soon.
Aw no. Don't let this stop you going though. I hope you have managed some sleep by now.
Good luck with the op Ariane - and yes you MUST have it this time around, regardless of DS2's state of health. Your DH WILL and MUST manage.
I would actually second staying in overnight after the op, tbh - otherwise you may end up trying to do too much at home.
Good luck for today.
I am speechless tbh, what a twat he is.
You are not being attacked Morticia, more advised and disagreed with. Whatever your issues, THIS thread is not the place for them.
Morticia you really are coming across as abit thick do trot off there's a dear.
Ariane hope today works out ok.
Hope today goes well, Ariane.
Good luck today ariane, try not to worry too much
just read the full thread, good luck today
Back from hospital. All went fine, feel ok but tired.
Will post later/tomorrow as knackered.
Hello ariane55. Glad all has gone well.
Do please let us know if you'd like us to move this thread out of AIBU into a more suitable topic.
Lurker here! Hope you manage to get nice uninterrupted rest. Look after yourself.
Glad it all went OK.
Hope you manage to get a good rest.for the rest of today & tomorrow at least!
I hope you are resting!
Look forward to hearing how everything went tomorrow.
I'm glad it went well and are home
Still feeling v tired but thought I'd update quickly.
Everything went very well (and was quicker than I had expected).feel slightly uncomfortable this evening and really tired.
Dh was fine with dcs although ds2 hjas been very unwell with high temp all day, dh took him to gp and got him checked. House was relatively tidy and things seemed calm.
Hoping to get some sleep tonight (ds2 was up a lot last night and I was worried about leaving him) really hoping that after some nurofen he sleeps ok.
I have an appt next week with the consultant so keeping my fingers crossed all is ok.nothing unusual seen today.
Glad to hear all is mostly well. Hopefully your DH will have gained some confidence in dealing with all your DC together! I'd be tempted to throw a few compliments about wrt how tidy and nice everything is. He might then decide he is the god of childcare, but it does mean he'll have less wriggle room next time you request his assistance. Just a thought.
Hope your DS2 sleeps soundly!
Well done you for getting through it and leaving DH in charge, and for what it is worth, well done to DH for doing it and supporting his wife!!
Rest up as long as you need to Ariane!!
Fingers crossed for you, ariane, and well done to your DH (although he has a LOT more making up to do yet!)
Glad you're okay ariane, hope you get lots of rest and all goes well next week x
Very pleased to hear you went ahead and got it done - now just make sure that you get enough rest, you don't want to get an infection or anything.
Un-lurking (de-lurking?) to say that I'm glad it went well
Very pleased it went well and hope you are continuing to rest today.
No rest today.
Ds2 really unwell been in hospital all day. Will update later if can. Has been a very bad day I'm so so worried about him.
that's awful hope they get better and you too really soon
Home now, having a much needed lie down!
Ds2 a bit better, his uti had obviously been v bad he had such a high temp, is anaemic and had slightly low white blood cells.he has had nurofen again and is napping.
I am absolutely exhausted. I am hoping for a day in bed tomorrow.dh has been lovely, helpful and thoughtful. He said he could have managed at hosp on his own but ds wanted bf so much that I had to go. Dh carried him round and looked after dd2 and is now cooking us dinner, and all without sulking.
Sounds like he has come on in leaps and bounds in a very short time. Just shows what a bit of straight talking can do.
Glad DS2 is on the mend.
He has been lovely today. Much much better than usual. I think he could see how poorly ds was and how tired iam .
Sorry to hear about DS2, I hope he's feeling much better. I'm glad to hear that your DH is doing his part.
I'm so glad for you, OP.
Glad to hear that your op went OK and that DH has stepped up. I hope DS2 feels better soon.
Hi Ariane, hope you are doing ok x
I am ok thanks. Still tired but think a lot of it is to do with how unwell ds2 has been.
Today is the first day he hasn't had a temperature so I'm hoping he's on the mend now.
Dh is continuing to help more. Everything seems to be going well.
That's great ariane. Big hugs x
Ariane, I'm relieved to hear that your DH has finally stepped up to the mark. I hope he stays there. Glad DS2 is on the mend and I hope you are still managing to get some rest - when do you hear about the results of your op?
I have an appt with the consultant on friday.
Have not been feeling good today, horrible stomach/period type pains.really hoping to get some answers on friday as keep feeling like this and its not nice.
Dh has put older 3 dcs to bed and taken ds2 for a walk in the buggy so that I can have a bath. Can't fault him at all he's been lovely.
Hope your appointment with consultant was ok ariane, and that things are moving on in a positive way for you and yours.
Hope you're okay Ariane x
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