to think that I/we are being pushed out?(383 Posts)
Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.
I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?
No, you are not being oversensitive. It's natural to feel hurt when you are not invited to something that the rest of "the gang" are doing. It does sound like you are being squeezed out. Maybe it's for a specific reason, or maybe it's just for no particular reason, but it still sucks. I'm sorry.
Yep, that's what I thought! I know my other friend and I will be fine and I've no concerns about anyone else, though its embarrassing as they have all just assumed that we'll be there. I've felt for a few weeks that this woman was quite deliberately trying to build a wedge between my friend and I. I reckon these things kind of sort themselves out in the end so I'll just keep my mouth shut.
This is exactly the reason why I never introduce friends to each other anymore. Every time I've done so in the past, similar things have happened to me.
I think they're really out of order leaving you out, and I'm afraid it is inevitable that you will get pushed out of the friendship group as the woman sounds as though she is a bit of a social engineer. I'm thinking perhaps she is jealous of you?
She is definitely a social engineer for sure. I suppose I'm disappointed because I thought we were quite good friends but obviously not. I'm pretty sure she's not jealous of me but perhaps if my friendship with some of the others. I'm pissed off with myself for being so hurt too, I shouldn't let these things bother me I suppose.
Well, things like that are very hurtful so it's inevitable it would get to you. It's not nice to be excluded and also not nice to have the feeling that someone is trying to push you out and take your place.
Have you considered organising something and inviting 'all the old gang' and excluding this woman? I would be tempted to do it
I did think about it Genuine but I would feel awful about leaving someone out. We've already invited them to a BBQ we're having next month (they accepted) so that makes me feel even worse.
Yes do that fight back. She sounds like a Wendy...
I seriously wouldn't feel bad about it, Harry. She doesn't feel bad about excluding you....
I think if you don't put up a bit of a fight now and stand your ground and make it clear it's not acceptable then chances are she will take your friends away from you. If she is excluding you then chances are too she is slagging you off to them and trying to make them all see faults in you. That's how women like that work; they pick up on little flaws in other women, exaggerate them, and work at poisoning others against that person using those 'flaws'.
Alternatively, you could give queen bitch a call and ask if you've upset her in any way and ask why she has excluded you?
Can't you just turn up at their home on Friday anyway? I'd be so tempted to that, they are hardly likely to turn you away are they? Just make it look like you assumed you were invited as well.
a cuckoo in your nest. It's not inevitable that you are going to be pushed out of your own circle of friends though. If they love you the chances are they may suss this woman is excluding you and bin her fairly soon.
that said, TBH given the circumstances I would outright ask this woman about Friday, tell her YOUR friends have assumed you are going and are confused, ask if you have done something to upset her (head tilt concerned face). At the same time, arrange a get together with your usual gang in a few weeks time minimum but leave her out (don't slag her off, if she asks feign surprise you forgot her), arrange random meet ups/shopping/theatre/drinks with individuals whatever you usually do. if you value your friends a bit of legwork to keep them won't hurt, at worst you go down fighting for them.
consolation, if you lose these friends because some random can elbow you out, they were never worth keeping around you.
my aunt always said some friends are for a reason, some for a season, and some are for life.
This makes me wonder what the falling out with her original group of friends was about.
Could it just be a space issue? Or wanting to invite people who have previously been the host?
Round our way there are lots of lovely couples/families we like to socialise with, but sometimes (particularly if it's a whole family event) we just don't have the space to invite everyone.
I do tend to prioritise my invitations to people who have hosted before as I like to reciprocate, and because of this I guess there is a group of us that see each other more, but it would seem wrong to me if I was inviting 5 couples for example to prioritise one whose house I'd never been invited to over another who had us round for drinks last week.
I'm not saying this is you OP, but I do know a woman who is particularly vocal about being "left out" but NEVER hosts herself!
Sorry, Ive just seen they've accepted an invitation to yours.
The key phrase you used was, "...but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year." This has happened to this woman before, I bet.
If she has deliberately left you out then you shouldn't invite her to your BBQ. Send her a text the night of her do and say, "Sorry, I won't be having the BBQ on X night." Then rearrange it to a different day and invite all the old crowd round.
sorry Harry, didn't see your post about barbecue in months time.
If she does have a problem with you and has deliberately excluded you, she needs to keep her issues away from your BBQ so it would be perfectly reasonable to uninvite her anyway.
I too immediately wonder what her own fall out was about.
She sounds a right Wendy! Beware the Wendy!!
I'd be very open with your other friends about this. If she is trying to push you out, she'll want to be as secretive as possible.
Or simply say," I heard about your party on Friday, have we done something to offend?" In the lightest tone you can muster.
I'm always suspicious of people who've had fall outs with others en masse. Do you know why she fell out with the original group?
Thanks for all the replies. I feel like a bit of an idiot actually. I feel that I've really tried to include this woman (and her family) and now she is trying to 'oust' me. The thing is, among my friends there is no Queen Bee or anything, we all just get on and have a laugh together but she appears to be trying to ingratiate herself with the ones with the flash cars and big houses (that's not us). On the one hand I want to ask her what the problem is and on the other I feel that my true friends will see her for what she is. I'm not a confrontational person at all but neither am I a pushover.
Believe it or not, she told me that the original fallout was because she felt that her other friends were starting to leave her out of things.
What is a Wendy?
I think if these people are really your friends then they will see what she is up to ignore her. Why did she fall out with her other friends? I bet she tried to do the same thing to them and they closed ranks on her.
Don't let the bitch push you out. Stand your ground and let her know you won't let it happen.
More likely that they cottoned on to her gameplan
I think I would organise things and just not invite her. Do your best to exclude her from the group as much as possible.
This type of situation is just awful. I have been there, and yes she was a Wendy and caused all kinds of trouble for me. It was a long time ago though...before kids and all that jazz.
It's very difficult because it is tricky to complain about it without seeming whiney, possessive, jealous, petty etc, when you just know that shit is going down.
People don't like to get involved either, because on the surface of it, the Wendy is not doing anything wrong...which is what they bank on.
*it is tricky to complain about it without seeming whiney, possessive, jealous, petty etc, when you just know that shit is going down.
People don't like to get involved either, because on the surface of it, the Wendy is not doing anything wrong...which is what they bank on*
This is exactly it Pictish. I will sound like such a nob if I start bleating on about not being invited because she can absolutely invite who she likes, she doesn't need to invite me to anything at all! And from about the first couple of weeks I just knew that this woman was going to do this kind of thing. I don't know why, I just had a feeling about it.
Harry, is there a chance that you are invited and they haven't bothered to let you know? Or maybe it's just an open invite for the whole gang?
This happened to me years ago. I didn't fight back (it was at a very vulnerable, low point in my life) and just hoped that the other girl would grow to like me the way she liked the other girls in the group. She didn't - she got worse and worse and made me not want to hang out with the group at all. No one seemed to notice, and I never mentioned it, and as a result I drifted away from the group. Now I never see them. In one sense I am sad, and definitely annoyed I let her treat me like that - but more I am sad that not one of my friends even noticed.
What's a Wendy?
OP, I feel for you. You're not being whiny. If this friendship meant a lot to me, I would probably ask the hostess why I wasn't invited.
A Wendy is a woman who you are friends with, that you introduce to your social circle with good intentions, and who then becomes great pals with everyone , to the exclusion of the very person who was the common factor in the first place...ie you!
Once they have charmed the pants off their chosen subjects and got their claws under the table, they begin systematically making sure that they replace you in the affections of your favourite friends. They use subtle and seemingly innocent exclusions here, tiny concerned-sounding digs there, flattery and guile, while becoming the best friend your own friends have ever had. She laughs at their jokes, offers favours, conmpliments their taste and agrees with their views.
She is so skilled your friends don't notice the shift in balance, until eventually you find you are being slowly frozen out. Wendy behaves as if she's known them forever and you are the interloper.
Then when you can take it no longer and you voice your concern, somehow it is you with the problem.
The term Wendy came from a thread on here where a poster had one of these scenarios going down...and she used the name Wendy for the cuckoo in her nest.
A good few of us knew of what she spoke, and Wendy was born.
And to add...it's not a jealousy thing from your own pov either, because you are more than happy to widen your social circle...the more the merrier. That's how I am. You introduce them pleased to share.
It is Wendy who cannot play nicely.
It's her in, you out.
I'm not saying that is definitely the case here for the OP (don't have enough details, but I would say trust your instincts OP)...I'm just trying to define the complexities of opening the door to Wendy.
thank you Pictish!
What a fiendish woman.
pictish This hasn't happened to me, but I became friends with a person who was clearly being targetted by a person you call a Wendy. I saw the devastation it caused for this person. They have moved elsewhere now, and I only have intermittent contact but I know it was a hard time for them. The one you'd call a Wendy is still in thick with this person's original group of friends.
Pictish from your description it's very obvious that you've been right where I am just now. I thought that if I just banked on my friends really being my friends then they would see through her but I'm beginning to doubt that now. That saying, if they don't perhaps they are not such good friends to me after all. She is considered to be a bit of an 'airhead' by some but I actually think she is very smart at manipulating a situation just how she wants it. This whole situation is making me doubt friendships I've had for years.
God I'm pathetic, I'm actually tearing up now. I just feel like taking a step back as it's knocking my confidence with my own friends.
Is there any way you can infiltrate your Wendy's old group of chums? Find out what happened? Learn her MO?
Don't take a step back. Just be as blithe and breezy.....and PRESENT...as possible.
Also, is there one - and it only needs to be one - pivotal, trustworthy person in your group that you can tip off?
Don't do this just yet, get more evidence, then talk to that trustworthy person about it.
If you take a step back, you might lose them. You could drift away from them and she could really do a number in your absence. It is a horrible situation to be in...I used to wonder what was wrong with me, that she targetted ME in that way. Nearly twenty years later, I still think about it and how she affected my confidence.
The person I trust most in the group is the one she's targeted the most. And to be honest she seems to be taken in by her at the moment because this woman has done her utmost to make sure she stays in her favour.
Ok, how about the most pragmatic and/or devious person, then?
"I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will of course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put."
Why the 'of course' about not saying anything? Seriously, I think you should say something, along the lines of carlywurly's suggestion - "I heard about your party on Friday, have we done something to offend?" In the lightest tone you can muster. I think you've got the chance to nip it in the bud if you start NOW. If you let it go on and on, saying nothing, she will get her way. IMO Wendys use other people's politeness as a weapon against them. She's counting on you saying nothing!
There isn't really a devious one tbh and out of everyone I'm usually the pragmatic one! I think that's why I'm annoyed with myself, because this situation seems to have me stumped.
The thing is, Wendy is, like a PP said, banking on your friends not noticing and on you sidling off. She needs these two things to happen. Your friends, right now, aren't thinking about your feelings, they're just caught up with a seemingly charming new person.
Wait for the novelty of her to wear off, and during this time, mount your own charm offensive.
Wendys thrive on the fact you're nice, too nice to ever say anything that may make waves.
She's playing a game. You have little choice to play too.
It's a horrible situation. Been there, got the 'you're fired' t-shirt.
I didn't have the back up of other friends, even some good ones (though that's arguable) and I walked away for my family's wellbeing when it became aparrant that I'd played right into her hands and BLURTED my upset whilst pissed... bad move on my part.
Whatever you don't, don't let it fester. xxx
D'you know what, fuck her. She's NOT removing me from my own network of friends. I think you're right, if I do take a step back and do nothing then my friends will think that's my choice and that's what I want. It's not.
The person I trust most in the group is the one she's targeted the most. And to be honest she seems to be taken in by her at the moment because this woman has done her utmost to make sure she stays in her favour.
It's like a script they follow. My Wendy went straight for my two closest friends and did the same.
Yes! I like the idea of (with humor) asking her how you've offended. Like you've found the omission amusing.
Send her a text!!!
Me too Splitheadgirl.
And trust me too...I'm not one of life's moaners or dwellers...I very much live for the good stuff...but nearly 20 yrs on I still have not made my peace with what she did to me. That fire still burns.
Ok ladies, how bad would this be. I've been talking to another friend who isn't from the area and doesn't know any of these people and she's suggested that I text Wendy and ask her if there's anything in particular that she would like me to bring to her drinks party on Friday?
Could you ring up your best friend from the group and ask if she fancies going out on Friday. when she then says 'oooh what about Wendy's drinks' you can say, what I was nfi.
And let it be known that wendy has excluded you. Because if I was your friend in this situation I would be very at wendy.
MrsCB My closest friend knows already because she was talking about it this morning and asking me what I was going to wear (she assumed we'd be there). She looked mortified to be honest.
Had I known then what I know now, or had a fraction of the confidence I now possess, I'd have seen her off right at the very beginning, no fucking about.
Once they're 'in' they are very hard to deal with though. They work quickly and skillfully, and of course, the only person who can what is really going on, is the very person they want to discredit, so that fact even works in their favour.
Well that's good. I would casually let everyone know you weren't invited and let them draw their conclusions.
And I would stop inviting wendy to stuff too.
Yes, reading what Pictish said, I think I'd say to some of the others that you're very upset at not being invited. You are not being childish at all.
And best to say something now.
You could just turn up to her drinks thing as if you had been asked.
We have a couple of events coming up that we'll both be at; a wedding, theatre trip, 40th birthday party. Do I be excrutiatingly nice to her over the next few months and just make sure I'm around as much as possible in the hope she'll get bored or do I ask her what the fuck she is playing at?
Whereyouleftit talks sense here. This bloody woman is relying on social niceties and on people being polite....call her on it. Make her justify her actions. If the avenues I suggested aren't possible....go for ^ these ones.
Personally, I'd talk to your friends first and ask what they think you should do. Honestly, at this stage she's not close to them and their loyalty will be with you.
ask her. point blank. repeat as necessary but only with her, with friends witnessing if possible. people like this operate on the basis that you won't say or do anything. Try not to raise the matter with your friends, behave as normal or you are arming her to label you a whiner/bitch/backbiter.
Just logged on to Facebook. She's written a wall post to three of our friends telling them that she's sent them a text. That's just weird.
you need a game plan - to bring your friends closer to you again and topple Wendy without her realising you are on to her ...
I would start with your best friend - a weekend away just her, you and one other. Get things booked in her diary. Has she any birthday or celebrations soon?
what is it Wendy is doing to find favour at the mo with this friend? What do you have in common with friend that Wendy def doesn't have (in order to ensure Wendy can not invite herself along).
am sure that mm can come up with a fab strategy (and with the followers of Allan behind you you can not fail).
Do not underestimate the lengths these women will go to, to make themselves indispensible to the right people. They are chameleons of the highest order, changing their skin to blend in with their chosen surroundings.
I wouldn't say anything to your friends behind her back but I'd ask her straight out in front of everyone if you've done something to warrant being excluded.
I'd also find a way to uninvite her from the BBQ, perhaps by just never getting round to confirming the details/date/time with her.
I think this is going to blow over very quickly.
Who else thinks this bird has shot her wad already? That's very attention-seeking. OP....do nowt for now.
Nowt about the FB post text thingies, that is.
Is one of those recipients of her all important text, your good friend?
Or the friend you spoke to today....the one who was mortified?
We need an official MN Wendy Action Plan.
I agree with DrGoogle about asking her what you have done to offend her in front of everyone else
I've been in this situation too, and this worked a treat. She really didn't know what to say. I pitched it as being confused and a bit upset to think that I could have maybe said something tactless - I got a lot of sympathy from people who had begun to suspect this girl was a Wendy.
FB message sounds a bit juvenile.
Yes, Pictish, it is almost impossible to completely get over it because there are no answers as to WHY she targets YOU, and you are left wondering....and the very people you would usually turn to for advice are the ones she is manipulating so you can't say anything for fear they think you are mad and trying to create waves....you are really alone!!!
I really urge the OP not to just let it go. The Wendy won't let it go, and years later it will STILL hurt is she doesn't deal with it now.
Like you, I still have feel crap about it all twenty years later. I still see her face, clear as day, and how she made me feel comes flooding back to me.
MrsCB just read your post and we are talking at odds but both trying to give good advice . I think the thing with a Wendy is she will be running her socks off doing stuff with/for the friends. If at the same time, Harry complains to the friends about the Wendy they may not see the problem and Wendy can then be VERY hurt and insulted that Harry has said this about her to everyone and blackened her good reputation. And she will get away with it because she is right, Harry has complained about her behind her back. Its genius and insidious.
I have just come out of one of these 'friendships', this Wendy drove a wedge between me and a good friend without me and the friend saying a word to one another, while Wendy told us we had problems with each other but 'didn't want to get involved'. The problems didn't even exist, all fabricated but the damage was done and 6 months later she is friends with my friend and I am a troublemaker apparently.
Yes, one text/message was to the one I'm closest too. And I think you're right Pictish, she says whatever the person she is with wants to hear.
and the very people you would usually turn to for advice are the ones she is manipulating so you can't say anything for fear they think you are mad and trying to create waves....you are really alone!!!
This is exactly how I feel. I'm really reluctant to say anything at all to any of my friends for fear of how it may make me look.
SHG yy to everything you wrote there.
Jeez I've never known anything like this, not even at school.
I had a male Wendy s few years back.....always trying to stir trouble between me and a particular female friend.
I lost my rag with the female friend one day after he'd told me she said some rubbish and totally called her out on it.
To find out this hadn't happened! We compared notes and realised we'd been played off against one another.
I ended up confronting him in the end....game over.
Yes...I think the fb thing is designed to let YOU know that they are sharing something you are not.
It's outwardly innocent you see...a bit daft even! There's no other reason for it though. She knows you can see it. She's drawing them in and pushing you out. I have no doubt about this at all.
I can well imagine someone who has never experienced the wrath of Wendy reading this thread and thinking 'what a load of paranoid crap - grow up!'
I would far rather have paranoia frankly.
Well I'm off to get some work done. I'll report back in a day or two if anyone's interested in an update. Thanks for all the advice, I've gone from wanting to just do nothing to actually wanting to deal with this now so thank you.
I'd write on her Facebook wall 'x y and z and I were chatting and they said Friday night is party night, sounds great, what shall we bring?'
She will hate that you've been talking to the friends she is trying to steal. But can't publicly uninvite you. And also can't say 'look she's inviting herself to things' as you are backed up by x y and z and she would look mean leaving you out.
Happened to me too once, had never experienced anything like it before, even at school.
Luckily it was with a newish group not really old/close friends. Weird but seemingly all too common.
Hope you get a good outcome. That other Wendy thread was very sad.
Agree you need to nip it now, OP, like Now!! Call her out about Friday in front of people, witnesses essential, and stand your ground. Don't let her take over. Trust your instincts.
Thing is.... (and sorry to use the same delightful sort of analogy, but this woman is a massive spraffing cock)....this FB post is her peaking too soon.
A few people will be wondering why she's publicly drawn attention to something like a text message. Not an email, or a PM, but a bleeping, flashing text message.
I wonder if wendy is on here and has noticed this thread and is going at your friends guns blazing via text ?
My 'Wendy' always wrote on my friends' FB walls too. It's definitely done for effect and so that you see it, otherwise they'd just send a text, or make a phone call
Why post on Facebook that you've sent three people a text message? It's like she wants to draw attention to it. Stupid cow.
You soooo need to call her out on this in front of all your friends, all dressed up in your own concern and hurt.
You need to ask her directly why you were excluded, have you done something to upset her (concerned face) and then say you might be feeling a bit fragile/paranoid about it all but it seemed especially with the FB message about the text, that it's almost like she's deliberately trying to let you know you are excluded (puzzled/hurt face).
And you need to do this ASAP - the very next time you're all together.
I'd ignore the FB post altogether and just ask about the party. Don't say you're feeling fragile etc, as she'll be all over that....you'll end up being made to look fragile and paranoid. When in fact, she's a massive knobber.
Just stick to hard facts....you're definitely not invited. Just work with that. The stupid FB post might be about her galloping thrush (I hope) for all you know.
Thankfully not me personally but I have seen it with other friends - it's crazy. What is it with people (seemingly women!) that makes them act this way??
Personally I agree with everyone who says to confront her on it in front of everyone & ask 'innocently' what you've done to offend as you're very upset at being excluded when you've no idea why.
Good luck Op.
Good luck Op.
I'm almost too embarrassed to mention this now as you'll wonder why I never said earlier but I received a really unpleasant anonymous letter last week warning me about my friend (my closest friend). At the time I had no idea (or was perhaps in denial) who might have sent it but it's pretty obvious to me now who it was. I feel like such a fucking idiot.
Agree with min.
Don't mention the fb thing...it will just convolute the main point and add to the idea that you're a bit paranpid.
Get straight to the heart of the matter. "Have we done something to offend?" asap in front of everyone. Pleasant and concerned...pleasant and concerned...but make that point.
Ok, my love. Your friend needs to see that letter.
Can you give us the bare bones of it?
Maintain your friendships otherwise Wendy will hint, and they'll agree , that you're not interested in socialising at the moment / too busy / being odd etc. And it'll be easier for everyone to follow Wendy 's lead and stop inviting you. No-one will do it consciously, it'll happen, and they'll feel it was nothing they did, you chose to disappear.
Any chance of finding out from her last victim how they managed to oust her from that group? I suspect someone spotted her as a Wendy and curtailed her plans.
Also do not be cautious of letting your friends know what's happening e.g. not being invited to events etc. Their loyalty is at the moment still with you. Let them know factually what she does with a "I can't think why, can you?" air. Also expect her to be faux-friends in public, don't be taken in by that, but use it to your advantage. E.g. if enquiring if you're invited, do it publicly.
Did you mention the letter to your close friend OP?
Or to Wendy?
I would mention it to your friend. What did it say?
Have you told your friend about the letter, Harry? I'd show it to them. What kind of fucking nutjob does something like that? She sounds more like a bloody psycho to me.
You may want to check with this friend. Has she had an unpleasant letter about you?
Maybe by talking with her about it you don't need to mention any names or even hint, but just suggest that someone close to you both seems to be trying to drive a wedge between you. It may be enough to set her alarms ringing too.
Have you showed your friend the letter?
That's actually really quite sinister. Do you know any of the ex-friends who she had a falling out with? Any chance of getting any info from them about what happened?
You got a letter warning you about your closest friend ? ok what did it say ?
Yep. I think we're dealing with a live one here.
I reckon your chum has had a letter too.
Your friend needs to see the letter and know that you think it's bollocks.
What's the chance that another letter was sent with you as the subject? Consider this a warning shot if not open warfare.
Definately check with her last 'group of friends ' , i wonder if any of them got a letter ?
Show your friend the letter OP if you haven't already. I'm astounded that someone would do something like that. Does the silly bitch not realise you'd work out it was her, and/or show it your friend?
It wasn't threatening or anything, just warning me about her and that she wasn't a true friend. That everyone knew 'things about her that you don't' and various other shitty little comments. I didn't show or tell my friend because she would have been really upset about it and I didn't want to hurt her. This is like a really bad episode of Marple now. I'm really going to have to deal with this now aren't I.
In fact, I'm up for you taking a photo and putting it on YOUR FB.
Of course this may not be that great an idea. Blank the fruend's name, maybe.
But Celtic I didn't work out it was her immediately OR show my friend. I'm a fucking idiot and she knows it.
That's unchartered territory for me I have to say.
if she sent that letter, then my overall feeling is the truth will out and she'll be done for.
My Wendy was perfectly sane and rational, and would never have been so overt.
I have nothing to add to the great advice here but really want to see you triumph over the Wendy. What a nasty way to act.
She seems to be moving pretty quickly. What is behind her rush? It's certainly got the chance of going pear-shaped (for her) because it's not subtle enough at this early stage.
Are you absolutely sure you're not invited? I had a party recently and a text went astray so one person in group of friends thought she wasn't invited but didn't say anything till after the party. In fact the Wendy in my group knew very well that this woman thought she wasn't invited and didn't say anything to correct her even though I had mentioned to her that I had had no reply from friend X. I was really upset as I absolutely hate leaving people out.
But you've realised it's her now Harry and that is what matters. Does your friend have something that this woman wants I wonder hence her desperation to oust you as her BFF?
What! I x-posted with the letter. That is really over the top. You have to show your friend, or at least ask her if she got a letter about you. In fact, you could ask the whole friend group (publicly) if anyone else is getting nasty character-assassinating letters.
Yup. Fuck it. Blank out her name, and get it posted.
She's not that clever after all. She's working far too fast and the letter coupled with the FB thing this evening tells me she's going to massively fuck this up very soon. That's probably what happened with the last group.
Is the letter handwritten or typed? Hand delivered or posted? It'll be interesting to know if your friend got a letter about you too. You could mention them to Wendy and tell her you're getting the police involved.
How about sending the Wendy the following text. "DP has mentioned your drinks on Friday, I don't think we were invited, did you DP ask him as would not want to just turn up - still on for our July BBQ"
Fires a warning shot...
BTW, I have a Deborah who cannot bear for you to see anyone else if she is not there but regularly sends one of the group (by rotation) into Purdah. I have walked away and the other chums are now following... God forbid you start to date someone (we are all now single) then you totally persona non grata.
It's risky, but if someone else in your group has got a letter like this as well......
I can't understand what these Wendies (Wendys??) get out of this!! What is their pay-off?? Wouldn't life be easier for them just to be nice and kind to EVERYONE?? They would still be part of the friendship group without the effort of ousting someone.
Or maybe they are just vindictive and like to play games with people's lives. Maybe that's it.
OP DEFINITELY deal with this now. Otherwise if this woman gets her way, and you lose your friends, it will play on your mind for perhaps years and years.
I'm seeing my friend on our own on Wednesday. I think I may have to just trust her and tell her how I feel and see what she thinks. She's pretty direct and if she thinks I'm wrong she'll tell me and I'll know I have to change tack a bit. I hate this, it's actually really affecting my life right now, my friends mean a lot to me.
If the letter was threatening in tone I'd suggest going to the police.
No no no! You're allowing other people to steer you here!
Show her the letter.
The letter was typed and posted (of course).
Apparently it's not threatening.
Harry, can you contact one of her old friends? Someone in that group may be desperate to talk to you!
You have to show your friend the letter. Otherwise you run the risk that anything you say will be dismissed and minimised. The letter is evidence that something is wrong.
Typed or printed from a PC?
Any identifying numbers/serial numbers/IP addresses on the sheet of paper?
Sorry to play devils advocate but what makes you so sure that Wendy sent the letter?
Really don't want to accuse her of it or even make out in a round about way that it is her as it may back fire.
There's nothing identifying on the letter at all. Just script on plain white paper. I'm going to show it to my friend I really didn't want to but I think I have to now. I keep changing my mind about what to do, I've never been in a situation anything like this before.
Your friend won't see her the way YOU see her. Plus she will want to reassure you about this woman. She won't be entirely objective. Follow your instinct and the advice you have been given here!!!
Yup yup....just show her the letter and say nothing more. Other than that you don't believe it.
This is bonkers.
Actually Bonkers you really do have a point. I can't think who else it could have been at all. I'm getting so confused about everything.
You MUST show your friend the letter. Rumble the Wendy asap.
I have a Wendy in my life.
She's targeted two of my lovely friends and it's totally worked with one of them.
The Wendy always used to refer to my friend as, "Your special friend, C,....".
I don't hear from her or barely see C anymore since Wendy worked her charm offensive. It's like C circles me, arranging stuff with other mutual friends but avoiding me at all costs. Our dss used to be great friends too.
I miss C a lot but it's utterly futile trying to re-establish the friendship even though C has seen Wendy at her worst, stamping her foot and crying when she couldn't make an impromptu event with us 4.
My Wendy is so very popular with everyone I know.
You definitely need to show your friend the letter. If someone was sending nasty, malicious letters like that about you wouldn't you want to know about it? I know I would.
Also posted before seeing about the letter. Very odd.
Don't worry. Like I said earlier....stick to facts.
I'd forget about her poxy drinks party for now, as well.
So, fact....you have a letter.
Did you keep the envelope?
You don't tell your friend who you think sent it, only that someone in your friendship group isn't as nice as they seem.
And I agree you NEED to speak to someone from the old group of friends who fell out with Wendy. If letters appeared in that friendship group too, it's something else that is evidence (for want of a better word) that it's not you being oversensitive.
Do you know her old group of friends? I think it would be good to see what happened there and if she has form for anonymous letters etc.
Winky my apparent Wendy used to always refer to my friend as 'your bestest buddy' and make comments about how nice it was that we were so close.
My Wendy is so very popular with everyone I know.
Sounds shit Winky. It just baffles me how these people do get to be so popular and liked by everyone who can't see thru them though... How do they do it??
You received a letter about your good friend but you didn't tell her?
No wonder this woman is taking the piss with you. She sees you as weak. You have had the whole day today to discuss this with your other friends/pull her up about Friday but you have remained quiet. All this taking the high road will not work here. If you do not nip this in the bud now, say goodbye to your friends. Please do update.
please show your friend the letter. you can't tell her who the sender is because its anon but your friend will at least be on her guard. Ask friend if anyone has said similar about you.
You will be expected
by Wendy to not show the friend the letter as the contents will hurt her, which is the decent thing to do. This is what the sender is counting on, nothing you can directly attribute to her, Wendy waves it all away with a tinkling laugh and a wink to your friends, while you are a wild eyed paranoid fruit loop that people start to back away from.
Do you know ANY of her old group, Harry?
Can you invent a reason to need to speak to one of them, and ask Wendy to give you her number or FB page?
Serves two purposes....you may get to the old friends, and you'll shit her up.
Ask her in front of people.
I do still have the envelope. I see her old group of friends in passing a few times a week but I don't really know them. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to them.
Ok, this is good.
Just steam in there. This is no time for, as a PP said, taking the high road.
Just ask one of them nicely if they can tell you why they fell out with Wendy. You may find that it all comes pouring out.
You must show your friend the letter about her but steer it in such a way that you try and think who could dislike HER so much and is so threatened by your friendship.
This will then be the ideal time to show what a great long term friend you are as you can reassure her that this person (who ever it is) will not get in-between your friendship and that you know and value her far more than what ever has been written.
Can also drop in some little ditties of humorous past events to make her remember your history. Then if the conversation gradually steers onto Wendy . . . . . well . . . . .
No wonder this woman is taking the piss with you. She sees you as weak. You are totally right Viv. I'm the laid back one of the group, the one who always tries to see everyone's point of view, always has a smile on my face, tries to make everyone feel better. And now this woman is making me feel like shit and I've let her. I didn't show my friend the letter because I didn't want to hurt her. I don't know if I'm more angry with Wendy or at myself.
Yup yup, Fry.
Someone in that group has had a nightmare like yours, and somehow, they got rid of Wendy. You will find an ally there.
Harry, can you contact them on Facebook and ask them?
Who introduced this woman into the group? Was it you or someone else?
Can you imagine going through life like this bloody woman?
Does she have drop-down menus appearing on her corneas? Helping her to choose her targets?
I really want to smack Wendy (and I'm not a violent type)
What the hell do these people - adults- get out of behaving this way? It's so fucked up.
I introduced her to the group Celtic.
There is one member of her old group who seems like a really nice down to earth woman, would it be too weird to message her?
I think talking to your closest friend is the way to go. Don't go posting drama on FB, and don't mention the party to Wendy.... the fact is, etiquette demands that you not try to invite yourself. You're going to have to let that go.
The way to deal with this is to talk to your friend in a direct way. Tell her exactly what you told us: that you worried you were being paranoid, that you feel a bit silly about it, but that there are some things going on that are making you go .
I do think you should probably show her the letter. Now, you don't know that "Wendy" wrote it, so don't push the idea that she did. Just say that you feel suspicious that she did, in light of other things going on. I think you want to avoid any appearance of being a drama-queen manipulator, yourself.
There is a chance that she did NOT write the letter. There could be yet another bitch out there making trouble. But, I think the odds are good that she did.
Play this one close to the vest. Talk to your friends quietly, and avoid drama. Because this bunny boiler sounds like drama is her specialty.
Definitely not. I'd message her and ask her what happened between their group and "Wendy"?
What a fucking cow though! You kindly introduce her to your group of friends and she treats you like this. I can't believe that grown adults can be so pathetically childish.
They're just deeply unhappy and feel powerless, as if they don't really exist.
My male Wendy used to steal things from friends' houses. Tiny, valueless, ostensibly pointless objects....unused notebooks, shampoo samples and things like that.
I said to someone about this behaviour, that he was trying to take souvenirs or trophies of other people's happy homes and lives.
Don't message the woman from the old group. TALK to her. Texting is not the medium for such sensitive issues.
If you talk to her, you can sort of gingerly ask her what went wrong with Wendy. Let there be a hint of the fact that you've got reasons for asking... and then this woman can decide if she wants to talk about it or not.
But, I think a phone conversation is the way to go so that you can gauge the tone of voice to know how she's perceiving your inquiry.
I can't understand what these Wendies (Wendys??) get out of this!! What is their pay-off?? Wouldn't life be easier for them just to be nice and kind to EVERYONE?? They would still be part of the friendship group without the effort of ousting someone.
I have a theory, but it's only that...a theory. I think they are so deeply insecure within themselves, that they can only draw worth from something if they triumph over someone else to get it. Then they are 'better'. They have 'won'.
I think mine initially saw me as being interesting and popular with fun, cool friends. I liked her too, and willingly brought her in, thinking she would be a great addition to our group. She was at a loose end at that point in her life. I thought I was doing a Good Thing.
I wasn't prepared for all the hassle at all, much less looking for it, so by the time she became blatant, everyone was singing from her hymn sheet. I did look paranoid and jealous and petty and there's no question at all that it affected my mental health badly - I felt so utterly powerless to stop her. I hated myself...but I hated her more. I played right into her hands. Naive and immature as I was.
Aint got no time for none of that shit now though!
Get her to fuck.
Yep. Tell her, from all of us too, to shit right off.
The think is though Pictish she appears to have everything. Nice cars, fabulous house, seemingly happy marriage to a really nice man, lovely kids, she's really attractive too. I don't get it at all.
Tell her, from all of us too, to shit right off ha ha ha that sounds like a plan.
Despite the surface appearance, there's some insecurity there.
I had a similar problem with someone doing just this but was very open to my close friends as to how upset I felt at being excluded. Rather than back down she overplayed her hand and ended up looking manipulative and vindictive. I am still friends with those friends some years on and she is not. I think being honest with your friends may be the best policy.
The ripples of our incident also meant that other friendship groups were more wary of her following it too and we did find that she had tried to muscle in on another group prior to us.
My Wendy (or should this be Wendon?) was a very handsome gay guy. Rich family, great job, well travelled and efucated, own flat at the age of 25, etc etc. great cook, very charismatic.
But if you don't have that internal locus of control, that internal knowledge that you're ok.....well....you gotta get validation somehow.
A bit of charity work would have been more constructive, but go figure.
Mine was certainly more attractive than me. She had a career where I didn't, was a bit older and more experienced than me...
I had the mates though. The social life. She had spent her youth so far engaged to this awful, dreary, emotional fuckwit of a boy, and when she turned him loose...I gave her a ready made set up.
I did not know that she would mow me down in her haste to grab it.
You may find some ways of dealing with this Wendy by reading this book Thomas Sheridan: puzzling people the labyrinth of the psychopath
Orlistening to this inerview (will come up in google search with the book title) http://vimeo.com/m/63602137
I'm not saying this Wendy is a psychopath but ideas on how to deal with this woman you may find helpful.
I would speak with my partner, let him know how you feel, maybe he could sound out the other male partners within this group.
Mean time agree show your friend the letter (after speaking with dh/dp).
Publicly out her, but gently and calmly, once you have backing behind you (your dp and old friend).
Good luck op, gain rl support ((hugs))
I'm going to sign off now but once again, thanks for the advice. I promise I will update you on what's going on.
I think you should track her down, Pictish. Find out how she's doing. I bet you'll find she's not all that happy, and maybe you can move on.
Ps agree also have a short chat with one of her old crowd too
No worries, Harry. I shall be waiting to find out what happens.
be angry with the Wendy, definitely not yourself. If it's any consolation my guess is you are getting this because you are warm, confident, outgoing, friendly, inclusive, relaxed and easy company. Everything Wendy isn't and outwardly sneers at, but probably wants to be. women can be nasty and toy with others like a cat with a mouse just for entertainment. I have met a few and they were all insecure, suspicious and prickly creatures who lacked real friends and only felt good when taking the
character of a 'genuine' woman apart. My stepmother was spectacular at it, witnessed her do this to an entire village of genuine and personable people. a world class Wendy, now sadly dead.
Aww the Wendy I know s absolutely lovely and would never do such a thing. Opi would rig anise something and not invite this person she sounds vile. Inviting who you want goes for you too, not only her
min - sadly not. I have itermittent contact with one or two from that old group, the ones who never really did anything wrong, and she is still very much a part of their lives. All jolly good chums.
I have of course moved on and moved away, and being an outgoing sort, have since made plenty of friends and had kids and got married and all that jazz...my life is good. I don't toil for social things at all...loads of pals, I have a handful of really good friends...it's all fine.
But it still sticks in my fucking craw, and I think it always will, because she got away with it.
Appearances can be deceiving, though, Harry. My Wendy was supersmart, top of the class (we were in uni at the time). She had Professors talking to her like she was staff, and she drove an Audi - a gift from her rich parents that impressed people! Everyone thought a lot of her. I have to say as well....she was also with a disability (she had only one arm) and I think people were reluctant to think badly of her because of this (apologies if that sounds stupid or condescending. I don't mean it to be).
I think Pictish is right in what she says...she wanted to WIN and get the better of me, and even though I looked at HER with envy (her brains), and envisioned her golden future, she might well not have seen herself that way.
Still, you learned a massive lesson and are now helping someone else out.
(......maybe she has horrendous piles......)
My friend is only Wendy by name in real life she is salt of the earth, these other Wendy's are imposters
A bit late to this but, 'Wendy' targeted you as she sees YOU as Queen Bee, this is because you brought her info the group. Women like this don't seem to understand that friendship groups can expand, they see it as 1 in 1 out.
Therefore the Queen is dead, long live the Queen: there's an usurper on the throne.Doesn't matter whether you think youre Queen Bee or not.
Don't start bidding for your friends time and affection with alternate plans. Bring it all out into the open, they operate most successfully when it's secret and the group are unaware.
So send her a public fb post (only so its evidenced rather than f2f etc) and say something like "Oy you cowbag, did our invite get lost in the post (smiley face), I hope we're not on the B list (sob sob)?"Make it very clearly lighthearted but she 'll have to respond and everyone will see it.
Then show your friend the letter but make no suggestion of who it could be from, just say you hope it's no one you all know as its trying to suggest its from a mutual friend.
I'm coming to this late but from what you've said I think you can outplay Wendy. After all, you have the most stonking advantage that she doesn't. The group knows you. They know you're straightforward, laid back etc and not the type to be bitchy/underhand etc so when you start fighting back little miss Wendy's poisonous nuggets will be greeted with derision and skepticism.
I would suggest firstly, recreate the anonymous note. I'm sure you probably remember it pretty much word for word anyway. Make sure it's on the same type of paper and put it in the envelope. Then organise a coffee with the friend it refers to and show her. Don't say you re-created it, just tell her you received it and were worried about what to do with it but have taken independent advice and want to make her aware.
As other people have suggested up thread, try and get information from Wendy's ex friends, but make sure there's no audit trail.
After you've gathered some intell, or even if you haven't, the next time you're in the group with Wendy say something along the lines of "oh Wendy, you'll never guess who I ran into recently". When she says who, name drop and watch the reaction. She'll either be OTT or try and pretend she doesn't know who you mean. You then say something like "oh, that's interesting. X's impression/memories/opinion of you are rather.......vivid. Said with a big smile and a head tilt.
Harry, it wouldn't surprise me if other members of your friendship group have also received letters or similar.
Next time you are in her company mention a particular phrase from the letter, casually, and see what kind of reaction you get.
Good luck OP - I hope you get it sorted. Let us know how it goes.
Yes, contact her old pals and find out how they exorcised her.
Wendys are so because they need to be popular, Queen Bee and cannot miss out on any occasion. They crave attention.
Solid, reliable and established friendships threaten them. It's a real coup and a comment on how marvellous they are if old friends drop each other for the Wendy.
Wendys are very popular because they are only vile and cunning with the people they hope/need to eliminate.
They have to be utterly charming and ever so helpful and empathetic with everyone else in order to achieve this.
They also manage the double whammy of making their target look crackers because nobody else sees their manipulations.
I've just withdrawn totally now. I hope to find a new circle of friends soon. I'm chipper though. I've just learned a lot from my first (and hopefully only) Wendy and so will be wiser next time around.
Yes do update sometime please.
I like to see these horrible people sent on their way.
I know my Wendy has similarly-ish spread her shit around one or two others since. These were people I went to school with, so I never lost touch entirely...much to her annoyance. People cheer if I
very rarely turn up. It absolutely infuriates her.
But for the most part I stay well away. I cannot be around her. She is a nasty piece of work to be sure.
Have just caught up; anonymous letter - wow. It does look to me as if this Wendy is moving too much too fast, and this does give you more opportunity to counter her attack. (Ye gods, I am actually seeing this in military terms .)
What I would do if it were me:
1. Show your friend the letter ASAP. Tell her your first reaction was to not show her it because you didn't want her to be upset by it as it had made you feel contaminated just to see it; but on reflection you realised that she needed to know so that she could be on her guard, because someone willing to write anonymous letters to her friends might be willing to do worse. Wonder out loud why someone would want you to think ill of her; can she think of anyone who would want to isolate her from her friends? Suggest that maybe you should, together, ask other friends if they had received anything similar? (I do think it is possible she may have received a similar letter about you.) Wendy will not expect this.
2. Do ask Wendy in front of your friends (and definitely in front of the subject of the letter) "I heard about your party on Friday, have we done something to offend?" In the lightest tone you can muster. Again, Wendy will not expect this. And your friend may put the two incidents together and start to see Wendy for who she is. If you've already asked around about anonymous letters, maybe others will join the dots too.
3. You said that you "see her old group of friends in passing a few times a week but I don't really know them." and that "There is one member of her old group who seems like a really nice down to earth woman". At the first (in passing) opportunity, I would approach her and open a conversation with something along the lines of "This might seem like a strange request, but could I just ask you about something? Wendy. You all used to be friends, weren't you? Did she just drift apart, or was there a falling out?" With a bit of luck she'll know exactly what you are on about and will be annoyed enough that Wendy is up to her old tricks that she'll spill the beans.
It's a rotten situation to be in, OP, but you don't have to feel powerless against this woman. Wendys all seem to operate in the same
sociopathic way. IMO they count on their victims being too polite/confused/embarrassed to take any action in the early stages of their campaign. So they struggle to maintain the attack when their victim does just that.
Harry I don't think you are weak just too kind! I don't know why but I am incredibly angry for you. I hate any form of injustice and this is one of them!
Keep your friends. You deserve your friends. Speak to them.
I don't think you are 'laid back', if you were, why would any of this matter? Ignore it all, the letter, comments etc. Who cares, that's what you must surely think. She is not important enough.
I like both yours and Where's suggestions. Be proactive OP! You can see what's happening, so start cutting it off at the knees before rumours and bitching rip you all apart. Definitely tell your friend about the letter - wouldn't you want to know? - and I especially like the passive aggressive "have we offended you?" head titly smiley question in front of everyone. I'd like to see how she maneuvers herself out of that without showing her true colours!
Oh god, I had a situation like this. A compulsive excluder - not only would you not be invited to stuff, you would always find out you hadn't been invited because it would be mentioned in front of you, and you'd never be told why you weren't invited, just left to wonder what you'd done...
I moved away so there was never any showdown, but I remember how it felt, very crappy.
Wrt the drinks part I would say nothing, don't give it any of oxygen. Just plan something nice that night and enjoy waking up without a hangover.
If she's doing things like posting on fb about texts she's sent then she's being childish, you've worked out what's going on - and chances are she's jealous - just ignore, ignore, ignore, don't invite her to things in future and keep up with your mates. She'll move on, I'm sure. She's only been around a short while and really isn't that powerful if you refuse to play the game.
Oh hang on, scrolling back and read that there's been a letter. I may need to rethink my advice....
I'm not an experienced Wendy-wrangler, but I think the letter could be your lever here. I would send a group text / email round to the friendship group, including Wendy, saying that you are sorry if it worries anybody but you've received a really unpleasant anonymous letter, you're considering whether to go to the police with it, but first you wanted to check whether anyone else had had similar or whether it's someone targeting you specifically.
It could be that they've all had a letter but nobody wants to rock the boat by saying anything.
I'd leave off mentioning the party for a few days and see whether anyone else had a letter ( you'd need to be prepared for all the others to be about you).
When I confessed to my friends that I felt slightly bullied lately, and pushed out by the new woman I had brought to the group, suddenly my Wendy had a big problem that she didn't feel quite comfortable talking to me about. She cried a lot to my best friend who couldn't tell me what it was about of course, not that I would ask, it was just that Wendy really needed everyone (except me) right now. You can't argue with that! I suspected it was all lies but I couldn't say so. And I felt guilty for thinking she was making it up, was I being a bitch?
I gave up and let her have them.
The thing is I know her attention is really flattering. She is so delightful! But she is a competitive manipulator, and with strange ideas about relationships between friends. I was in a battle and I didn't have a clue.
The thing is I know her attention is really flattering. She is so delightful! But she is a competitive manipulator, and with strange ideas about relationships between friends. I was in a battle and I didn't have a clue.
Yeah same here.
Been reading this with interest. I went through something similar at school (a l-o-n-g time ago) and it affected me profoundly. My friends eventually saw the light, I was reintegrated into the group and the Wendy went elsewhere
to spread her poison but it was never the same. Life is hard enough at times without women like this.
I really hope you manage to spoil her plans. Will watch with interest and cheer you on. Good luck!
I've read this thread with my jaw on the ground as it is exactly the problem I'm having, and it's horrible.
My DC is 11 months old and I am quite a shy person who finds it hard to make friends. I met one woman on my antenatal course who seemed very nice and our DC were born within days of each other.
I made a real effort to go to lots of groups in the first few months of having my DC and met quite a nice group of Mums. This other woman never went to anything.
I started to arrange a weekly get together for all the Mums I had met in a local cafe, where we would have coffee, cake and a walk. Before long we were seeing each other a couple of times a week. Then I made the mistake of introducing my antenatal friend to the group. She is a Wendy.
She has done things like set up a "Mummy Friends" group on Facebook but forgot to invite me (somebody else did), texted to rearrange a meeting place but forgot to tell me so I was sat by myself, purposely tries to engineer activities when I'm not available and has become real Queen Bee.
I feel going to all those baby groups was a waste of time, I've not got really any Mummy friends who aren't under her spell and I'm too shy to confront her.
I feel lonely and miserable, don't let your Wendy push you out.
Oscalito is right; not only do Wendys not invite you to things, they also make damn sure you find out that they have all met up without you!
I think Wendys must have very warped minds! I cannot imagine having the inclination or time to decide to ostracise someone, engineer meet ups without them, make up lies to get the attention of the group, flatter the members of the group I want to get 'on side' etc.
Seems that there are plenty of Wendys around though!
There are Wendys in many groups to varying degrees from the slightly manipulative to the venomous types. Life would be so much more enjoyable without the latter. And thank goodness they are in the minority as can be soul destroying for their victims. It is a form of bullying and is the most insidious type.
She didn't succeed with her former group of friends so there is hope she will not with yours. < wondering how she she failed with the ex group>
Well i hope to God OP has actually done something before she posts back. This is beginning to sound like one of those threads where the poster has been given loads of good advice but the OP keeps saying "But...But..But!
The letter is bonkers. Definitely share it with your friend. Secret keeping will drive a wedge between you.
I'm not sure I'd share it with the friend as it will only upset her that someone has written an anonymous letter about her. I would however discuss with your close friend the fact that you feel the new woman is trying to exclude you and use the not getting a party invite as an example.
I'd try and arrange to meet up with your close friend plus maybe one or two of your other friends and not invite the other woman.
I would ask her next time you are all together why she didn't invite you.
If she can get your friends to exclude you from stuff then they weren't really friends anyway. I'd keep chatting to them and arranging things with them and omit this woman. They can invite her if they wish.
FlibberFlobber, go back to the groups or new groups and make new friends.
Also keep up with your friends that you worked so hard to make. Do not say a bad word about your Wendy - you may find your friends have made up their own mind in a similar way to you.
She doesn't host or arrange every event, does she?
Sympathies. I've lost friends too because of this competitive Queen Bee bullshit.
I agree with 2Rebecca; showing your friends the letter may not be the best idea. Also if your Wendy is as she seems, she may well try to plant the idea into your friends' heads that you wrote the letter yourself!
OP still has the envelope. If she can find out roughly what time it was sent and from where, she could prove that it couldn't have been her.
I think you should show your friend the letter, but bear in mind that Wendy will use anything to her advantage that may discredit you.
Whoever said that she may try to plant the idea that you wrote it yourself, to make trouble, is right. She might well.
It seems extreme, but these women are driven. If she's gone to the actual bother of penning poison already, she will do whatever it takes to make that work for her benefit.
Be careful how you do this. I think you're dealing with a real snake.
She will also go to great pains to conceal her guilt. She will absolutely deny and refute being the sender of that letter.
In fact, she will have it that you've got it in for her - so tread carefully.
Do not implicate her when showing your friend the letter.
Keep the lack of invite and the letter seperate. Let people make their own connection.
You must behave impeccably here.
That's the mistake I made, as was I young, empassioned and hot headed.
Softly softly catchy monkey....
Pictish is right. You can alert people without having to say anything bad about anyone. Keep the moral high ground.
Meanwhile, let her machinations go over your head. Keep strong connections with your friends without involving this Wendy.
It's turning into a chapter from St. Clare's!
Yep! Don't even mention the invite.
Give this bloody cow a vacuum- no communication, no airtime....see what she fills it with.
This is another way I dealt with my Wendon!
What do you do if "Wendy" is your sister or mother ?
You tell your sister or your mother nothing about your life. Keep them as separate as possible from your friends.
It was only when I read this thread that I realised that I am not the steadily disappearing woman, whose friends can no longer see her ... in fact, I too have a Wendy in my life!
So obvious now that this thread has pointed it out to me! I feel much better now!!
Sorry to hear you are being wendied, Sleeton.
It's a horrible feeling to be pushed out but it's always a bit of a revelation when you realise it's not you and that you have a Wendy!
Reading this is rather sinister!
Am now thinking how the OP could fingerprint the anonymous note and get fingerprints from the Wendy...
I had a Wendy years ago at work. She's left now. She posed as my friend and managed to make me paranoid and doubting my professional abilities because -I found out later- she had been undermining me to my colleagues. I understand why she did it though: professional jealousy in a male dominated environment in which we two were the only young-ish women.
As for the situation OP and others describe: I'm . Didn't know this existed outside family [but that's another thread] and among grown up women when there is nothing like work-related pay off involved. Sounds like immature and bitchy playground tactics to me... Life's too short.
Seriously though, that anonymous letter smacks of deranged rather than just malicious.
Feeling sorry for people called Wendy! Who decided Wendy was a name for a manipulative woman? The only Wendy I know is lovely.
The only advantage of discussing the letter would be in case other friends have got one and are keeping quiet about them.
I'd tell the good friend you are upset about being excluded though, that's the sort of thing you discuss with friends, not to do so would be odd.
I wouldn't blame the incomer for the letter though, that starts to look paranoid
This is a horrible situation for you, OP.
The longer you leave it, the more you lose influence and Wendy gains power. (And I have no problem calling her Wendy, btw, given what a woman who is actually called Wendy has done to our family in rl!)
At the moment the group know you better than they do her. But people are fickle, and busy, and don't always see beyond their immediate concerns. So if you allow yourself to be sidelined, and not get involved with the others so much, they may assume that that is what you prefer/just how things go/etc.
Re the letter. You will need to play it very carefully if you show your friend. I know you haven't shown her yet, so as not to upset her, but if you showed her and emphasised how there is not truth in it, how much you like her, etc, and don't try to infer who you think sent it, you should be safe. Be open, honest and kind, and leave it to the others to start to make connections.
The problem if you don't show the letter is that, especially as it's printed, it would be so easy for Wendy (if she is the sender) to send herself one, just like yours, talking about anyone in your friendship group. She could do just what people on here are suggesting - mention it to other friends, and 'wonder' who sent it. Then it's too late. If you come out with your own letter after that, you can easily be made to look like the suspicious one.
I would show it to your friend and emphasise how much you care about her and value her friendship, and perhaps together you can decide to do what Inertia suggested and then contact the others to see if there are any other letters out there. That way you make contact with your own friend, and have her as part of your team (which I suspect would be how Wendy would see it - what is wrong with these people?) before widening it out to the group.
Sorry for long post. Good luck.
Wow I have never heard of these Wendy people before.
OP I would meet up with your close friend, and talk to her honestly.
However I wouldn't suggest the letter is from Wendy, I would simply present them factually as two separate issues.
I agree ask Wendy in front of others if you have offended her, and that someone mentioned event and was surprised and embarrassed you knew nothing about it.
Oh and I would definitely approach her old crowd and see what they say.
I wonder if your close friend has had a similar letter about you and also not told you in case it upset you......
I am being a bit Wendied too at the mo. It is happening to my child too I even called her a cunt to my OH last night
have been reading too much Mumsnet
Loads of luck OP, we are rooting for you. Kick that Wendy to the kerb.
I was in a meeting with someone called Wendy today. I needed to suppress a smile and to fight against an instinct to instantly dislike her!
Flibber I felt really sad after reading your post. Don't let her do that to you.
You may be too shy to confront her, and after all what can you say? But you aren't so shy that you're reclusive otherwise you'd never have gone to the baby groups in the first place.
So... Deep breath, pick up the phone and call 2 of the other mums (not the whole lot just 2) and arrange to meet up, tell them you feel like you haven't see them in ages and do they fancy a catch up. Build it up from there.
Just take back control, think to yourself, "so what there is now a fb group I don't have to use it to organise my social life"
I don't anyone will ask, but if they do just be honest and say you don't always feel included so thought you'd go back to good old fashioned phone calls
Aw it's a shame for all those lovely Wendys out there.
It was simply down to the fact that there was a big thread aboout this once, and it started "So...I have this 'friend' - I'll call her Wendy, and...."
And it stuck. We started talking about being 'Wendied' and so on. It became a bit of an MN meme.
Wow I've read this thread with an open mouth.
Mainly because I've just twigged of 2 Wendy's in my life! Well one has gone now as I booted her to the kerb but the other is def my mom!
OP I've nothing to add by way of advice other than to heed the comments already made and nail this sucker! Can't wait to hear
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Think it's a good point that if you don't mention the letter she may do worse, or send one about you - the letter could almost be a 'test' to see how open you are with your friends. The letter writer is introducing doubt and secrets into the friendship group, in much the same ways as the 'exclusive' texts and party invites.
Effing infantile though! Why doesn't she just take up a night class or something?
I think you do need to talk to your friend. You can say you delayed because you didn't know how to handle it, which shows consideration anyway, but you've realised you just need to talk to her face to face. Agree with others that I wouldn't say who you think its from, just that it's appeared, you know it's not true and you wanted her to know.
Good luck. She's definitely overdoing it though, and in danger of making a complete twit of herself, so I think you can see her off just by acting like a normal, sane adult.
Agree you need to tell about the letter, tell your closest friend if not your whole group of friends.
A jealous 'friend' attempted to Wendy me in the past, it felt horrid. I've since stopped all contact (she was a crappy friend in other ways too although it took me years to wake up to it) , but she's still in touch with all my family on Facebook which makes me uncomfortable.
I'm dying to hear how this plays out. Yes, I'm another Wendy survivor and permanently lost the long-term friends I introduced to her. Your Wendy, Harry, has massively overplayed her hand with the poison letter. Of course, you mustn't imply that you know who wrote it. But if you take all of Where's steps (20:13 post) close together, you're giving your pal a good chance to figure it out.
Don't be overly surprised if someone gets a letter about Wendy. These people really are insane enough to send poison letters about themselves, if it's meant to strengthen the bond between them and their
new best friend target.
Oh, and I would just bloody go to her barbecue. Not only that, but blank her as far as possible while you're there!
I have a Wendy. She has succeeded in removing me from my entire social circle.
These were people I had known and been friends with for 12+ years, in some cases, and a minimum of 9 years.
Only thing is - I CAN'T call 'my' Wendy on it - because 'my' Wendy is my DS1's SM.
She has LITERALLY stolen my life!
First she had an affair with DS1's dad, and then she slowly but surely has ousted me from not just ONE of my circles of friends, but FOUR different circles I moved in.
Every time she realises I have moved on and made a new group of friends, she moves in. First I see her talking to them, then they start to spend less time with me and more time with her, and then they just drop me like a stone.
It's getting beyond a joke, this is even happening with friends I made long after I split with DS1's dad.
If I could move area, I would. However, I can't, because DS1's dad refuses to relax the PSO that keeps me on this estate. So I will have another seven years of this shit.
It's impossible to call a Wendy on their behaviour when 'your' Wendy is your DS's SM, because your own child will be badly affected by it.
I'm slowly trying to build new friendships, but without her seeing - which is very difficult as despite meeting my (very) new friends at a Primary school with 420+ pupils, it is a very close-knit school, everyone knows everyone, and it's hard for me to make friends without being seen.
It's set to get worse again soon, as DS1 will be restarting contact with her when he starts going to his dad's house again after a year of just seeing him on his own for a couple of hours here and there.
So I fully expect it up kick up a notch very soon...
Couthy, what a nightmare!
Is there any chance you could re-start with the first group she pinched? Has she more or less neglected them now?
If you call her out, do it between the 2 of you, then she can't twist it in front of others. If you can, just privately say, stop being a bitch and trying to cut me out. Try telling my friends I said this and they'll think you're psycho. Move on, bitch, you lost.
Call her publicly but nicely on the times she leaves you out, e.g. Send a message to her wall asking what drinks to bring as everyone is invited. Then she either publicly has to uninvite you, or let you go.
Tell your friend,very quietly and sympathetically, about the letter and. Be the person to listen to her as she will be worried about it, and tell her that you are worried in case any other letters have been sent to split up the group.
Def have a word with her previous group. If they ousted her, then they are strong enough to back you up and may even help you out.
Why you? Prob as you introduced her. You saw her alone & vulnerable, therefore you have to go.
for you Harry.
I really feel for you .
what a horrible situation OP
I didnt realise how many horrible,manipulative people were about
Hope you get rid of her
That's awful couthy. I'm a step mum but my best friend is my DSS mum, However I suppose in the early days I could have been termed living her life, with her ex, and their group of joint friends. I didn't say anything negative about her though,I'm just loud and chatty, whereas she's more quiet.
We do laugh now though that an issues we ring each other first.
Please update op.
I really feel for you op. I'm going through a very similar thing and it hurts like hell. Bastards!
The original Wendy thread seems to have disappeared. I would have liked to read it.
That's horrendous Couthy...having to have secret friends so Wendy doesn't steal them...
Hi OP, have just read whole thread and these are my thoughts.
Re the letter, show your friend. I cannot imagine getting a letter like that about one of my friends and not showing them. Knowledge is power. If someone out in the world had such ill will to me,I'd want to know. It might have been Wendy, it might not. If it was her, I'd fully expect her to come forward with her own letter about someone, claiming she got one too. But then she will know that the smoke and mirrors won't work, that you will bring things out into the open. Result- she loses power.
I also agree with calling her on the drinks party, in a very tongue in cheek way. There is no way she could then exclude you without looking like the bad guy, and we know that's not how she works.
I'm coming to the conclusion that I may know a Wendy myself. She is someone I work with, though not in same office. We were at a works thing, and she went on at length about how she had no social life. I told her I'd invite her out with my friends next time we were going. When I thought back about our conversation the next day, some of what she said grated on me. She kept saying how lucky I was to have met DP (like about 20 times) Each time I laughed and said I thought he was the lucky one, only for her to say it again. Next time I was arranging a night out, I had a really strong feeling that I shouldn't ask her, don't know why, but based on other things she said since, I think I dodged a bullet.
Good luck, OP, hope it goes well with your friend today.
The thing about these women is that they seem to target people who are more straightforward than themselves and can't act in a duplicitous way, and that's what you need to do to counter them. It's very difficult to win because they are so good about what they do.
Watching with interest.
I wouldn't be sure that some of your friends haven't clocked it, especially the ones who know you haven't been invited to her party
We have a Wendy, one of my other friends introduced her and she's worked pretty hard to exclude our friend, but we can see it and she's not getting very far.
She was very lovely to start with, then the excluding and back stabbing started.
She's proving quite hard to get rid of. She's got far more front than any of the rest of us put together If she's not invited to something she rocks up anyway, several times she's invited all of us, except friend, to various parties, pub trips, etc and although, usually we all decline, we all make sure the excluded friend knows about it/is bought along with one of us - Wendy has front, but would never make what she's up to obvious by calling us out for inviting/bringing friend
We all know what she's up to, she just hasn't realised that yet
I love that the term "Wendy" has been resurrected (although not in happy circumstances - crummy for you OP )
I'm dying to know what's happened too OP
I wonder if I've just been very lucky in not meeting one of these women? I prefer to a wide circle of friends rather than just one close knot group, maybe that's the reason?
Harry please come back and update us?
There's a fair bit of advice on here about how the OP can cleverly do this that or the other to outmanoeuver the Wendy.
In my view, this is a bad idea because in situations like this it can often be very difficult to predict how things will play. In adddition, as KittensoftPuppydog wrote:
It's very difficult to win because they are so good about what they do.
I think the OP should play to her strengths by being straightforward, keep the issues of being Wendied and the anonymous letter completely and absolutely separate, and go ahead on one of them. My preference would be the letter.
Thought I would update on this sorry saga. Saw my friend at lunchtime and showed her the letter. I told her that I knew it was a load of crap and that the purpose of me showing it to her was not to upset her but to give her a heads up. She was stotally horrified but believed that I was showing her for the right reasons. I didn't mention the party on Friday at all, she brought it up herself and said that they had decided not to go as she felt it was unfair that we hadn't been invited so I feel a small victory there.
I also 'accidentally' ran into one of Wendy's ex friends and casually asked if they still saw each other. Her reply was that Wendy is 'a poisonous bitch' and hell would freeze over before she would have anything to do with her. She didn't want to elaborate and had to run bit now i want t know more so may have to track her down again.
I've also arranged a meal out next week and haven't invited Wendy. None of the other women have asked me why not. So what now?
I'd say carry on the way you are Well done!
Realises hand is now covered in mucous!
Great guns, there, HS!!!
OK - for now, do nothing. It looks like your chums are behind you, especially if your close friend brought up the party herself, rather than you.
The ex-friend of Wendy's response was no surprise. What you need to do there is to start bringing one or two of this gang into your milieu, without making a song and dance about it.
Another thing I'm considering too
Its my birthday in a few weeks so thought we may plan a BBQ. The ex friend of Wendy's that I was talking to moved about two streets away from me a few weeks ago (I didn't know that til she mentioned it) so I thought I could invite her to the BBQ to be 'neighbourly'.
Make sure you invite Wendy as well. She'll most likely decline, but it'll KILL her to sit wondering what's being said in her absence.
See I wasn't sure whether to invite Wendy or not because I don't want this other woman to feel like she's being 'set up' or make her uncomfortable.
I've been lurking on AIBU for a while but was finally pushed into signing up because I wanted to come on here & congratulate Harry on her first step towards fighting back. It would be even better if you invite Wendy to your BBQ but don't tell her your new neighbour/ex-friend will be there so that you can enjoy her discomfort.
I know what you mean - like the other woman's being used as a pawn. I reckon do it, and in the unlikely event Wendy actually accepts, talk to the other woman about it and see how she feels.
She might actually want to front her out.
My post crossed yours, by the way Harry. Do what you feel is right, but inviting both of them would show Wendy you mean business.
Well done OP, and your friend really is a true friend after all backing you up like that. I love it when nasty people get their just deserts.
Ooh, yeah. That bitch is going down.
Rather than playing around with funny tricks to catch the Wendy out at your BBQ by triumphantly presenting her with evidence of a previous failure, it'll be better to invite just who you want and avoid looking tricky and scheming.
Nauticant is right of course. That would be the grown up and responsible thing to do, but it makes for much less exciting AIBU updates.
I get what you mean, Nautica, but HS is inviting who she wants - just not who Wendy wants.
Sometimes, you need to, like a PP said, show you mean business.
I don't think she'll even turn up, you see.
Totally agree with nauticant.
I would go so far as to say you shouldn't invite Wendy and ex friend to the same bbq. Does anyone really think ex friend would appreciate it?
Genuine advice here - you have done well. Now sit it out and see what occurs. Wendy is going to rue the day she left you out of the party. She has overplayed her hand. Let it all unfold.
Don't forge a relationship with this other woman because you want to stick the boot in. Don't out-Wendy Wendy, because that's not what this is about. It's not an election for Queen Bitch. Carry on being your good self.
Don't invite them to the same bbq - where I come from, that's known as shit stirring.
Invite the ex friend (if you want to), but not the Wendy. You don't like her so don't invite her to anything from now on. It's up to others whether they invite her to things or not.
Man, some people are weird.
that said I knew a Wendy once when I was young and she was wendyish.
I wouldn't invite Wendy to anything again - that makes quiet a point all by itself.
I would invite her ex friend to the BBQ and if Wendy did turn up - well you can truthfully tell the new neighbor you didn't invite her but hopefully 'Wendy' would be discourage to do that again.
I wouldn't invite the Wendy. You've rumbled her. She will know in time and you can't pretend to be friends. Just cut her out of your life now. She won't change. Bin her.
Way to go!
You have been very dignified.
Agree with Pictish and Nautica btw.
Absolutely. Just stop bothering with her.
She'll know why.
I'm so pleased your friend has decided (of her own accord) not to go to Wendy's party. It must surely make you feel a bit less alone. A small victory, but a very important one. Well done for taking the first step.
Don't invite new neighbour and wendy, thats just spiteful, new neighbour would be hurt and humiliated. Forget wendy in your life.
I Wouldn't invite "Wendy" either. By all means if you want to invite ex friend the do. I think it will have more of an impact if "Wendy" later finds out that her ex-friend was invited and she wasn't.
But good on you for standing your ground and also I think it speaks volumes that your friend is willing to back you all the way......That's what true friends do for one another!!
Invite neighbour and not wendy and say nothing
Her ex-friend said Hell would freeze over before she would have anything to do with Wendy again.
OP you shouldn't even think of inviting her and Wendy to your barbeque, after she told you that.
Harry to give you some real hope here myself and best friend met a wendy. I was the target she was trying to ingratiate herself with but I'm a cynical suspicious bitch and found all her creeping and fawning over me irritating. No way on earth was she going to break up our friendship. From what you've said I think you could come out of this with an even stronger friendship. Good luck.
Just wanted to unlurk on this thread to say - Yay. Well done Harry
You've played this really well. When I say 'played' I don't actually think that's an apt description, for what you've actually done is just been yourself, level headed while quietly fighting your corner. Your friend sounds like a goodun.
I agree, don't invite Wendy or ex-friend to the BBQ.
Don't invite Wendy as that gives her a chance to be with your friends again. Invite the new friend but make it clear to her that Wendy won't be there as she may decline thinking that she will be. Once she finds out that she is not invited she may open up more about what happened in her group.
Don't invite Wendy to any more occasions as it will look two faced and you won't relax whilst she is there which may cause you to act different with your friends - which she might use to her advantage.
Been lurking on this thread (having been Wendied myself once or twice over the years!) and so pleased you've handled it so well OP.
Just want to second what Nautica and Pictish have said, don't start trying to set up a revenge trap, that makes you just as bad as Wendy, just leave her out of your plans now and carry on with your life with your friends.
And you know what? I'm really pleased your good friend brought up the party herself, and drew her line in the sand. She is a proper friend.
I agree that it would be horrible to use the new neighbour as part of a power game. Also agree that I wouldn't invite your Wendy to your party, whatever else happens, and it's only fair to fill your new neighbour on what's been happening. Decades on, I still avoid even the slimmest chance of having to connect with my Wendy. I'd leave if she turned up anywhere. I don't care if that's giving her 'power', her games are not the sort I want to play.
That said, it's probably a great idea to offer out a hand to your new neighbour; I hope you do this!
Are you and your bestie (and, ideally, some others from your group) making alternative plans for Friday, harry?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well done Harry and well done to your friend too
Definitely do something else on the Friday
Yes you've got a real true friend there Harry. I'm glad. You're lucky!
I'm another that agrees to only invite ex-friend to the bbq and not Wendy but only because once Wendy releases you've invited ex-friend and not her, she'll know she's been "rumbled" - but oh to be a fly on the wall!
Well done OP <punches air in triumph!>
Agree, don't invite Wendy but do invite new neighbour.....
Ah. I can totally see what you all mean, but OP, do you think she'd actually turn up if you did invite her?
Or if you invited her, would she not actually see/realise that she's been rumbled and make a rubbish excuse, thinking you've still got the wool over your eyes?
Invite new neighbour but NOT Wendy to anything ever again. Surely you realise you need to distance yourself from her completely?
I agree that inviting Wendy is a Wendyish thing to do, and you are above that!
Invite other woman if you're sincerely interested in her as a person but not as a pawn.
Yes - new neighbour but not Wendy.
how else will new neighbour be able to spill the beans?
Glad your friend was so loyal.
Blimey - well done Harry! Agree with everyone else, do not invite Wendy to BBQ, just cut her out of your life and continue with your dignified behaviour.
Woop Woop Woop!!!!!!
Lone voice here, but after my Wendy experience, I fear that NOT inviting her will give her an excuse to create more drama and confrontation.
If you DO invite her, and she knows your new neighbour will be there, this means she can turn the invite down and slink away without drawing too much attention to herself.
She can tell herself that she's turned you down, and she'll scuttle off thinking that only you have noticed her shenanigans. Hopefully, never to return.
I don't think you should invite either the new neighbour or Wendy to the BBQ. You have no idea what this woman went through with Wendy or the pain and stress that led to the fall out. To put her in a position where she may be confronted by Wendy at a party full of people she barely knows would be unforgivable in my view. (that's even if you don't invite Wendy as she may turn up.)
I hope this all works out for you OP, it sounds like it is going in the right direction.
But yay to your chums!!!!
Brilliant performance all round!
Blimey....I didn't think of Wendy gatecrashing, Casmama.
Maybe you're right.
I know everyone's really pleased with the result, and they want OP to make a nice new friend, but maybe until Wendy is done with, it might be best to leave the newer woman out for a bit.
Thing is, we're not dealing with a regular person here, with normal responses and morals.
great news Harry (wonders if Harry's friends are MNers).
agree with everyone - invite the usual friends, new neighbour and not Wendy.
Been lurking for a while just wanted to say you've handled it all so well OP hope everything works out and this Wendy gets her comeuppance
Agreed. New neighbour, not Wendy.
Keep her as far away from your life as possible. Give her a chink and she will get back in.
Well done so far, but never relax vigilance.
Glad it went well with your friend Harry.
You need to STOP inviting her to stuff. I would even cancel the BBQ and tell her it's off then arrange for another time.
She sounds like a cow. Keep your distance!
Just read more f the thread. Delete her from your life. She is toxic.
Def not inviting Wendy. She can just piss off now, she's not going to steal my life from me. Have discussed with DH about cancelling the original BBQ altogether and just having birthday one instead. Ex friend can come, Wendy def not and if she asks me why I'll tell her. (Get me being all 'ard!)
Dont invite Wendy to any more things.
I used to work with a Wendy, I didn't realise before I read this thread. I just thought she had narcissistic personality disorder. But she was a Wendy through and through.
Good luck Harry. Can I come to your barbecue instead please?
Wow I say invite the ex friend out as much as possible and Wendy will soon move on
What will you actually tell her, though?
Will you confront her? Mention the letter?
Ghah! It might be an idea to just say something vague like: "This friendship isn't working for me."
Of course you can slow!
I wouldn't mention the letter at all but just tell her that I believe we are completely unsuited as friends and that I want friends who are honest and don't try to take my place with my friends rather than join us. Does that sound wanky?
Wow, I just realised reading this thread that my teenage 'best friend' was a Wendy. I binned her off for making me feel like shit all the time but never really saw it in the blinding light I now benefit from. And it has screwed up all my female friendships since, with mistrust and distance on my part.
I think I might need therapy for this or something.
OP, fwiw my advice is: get rid of her - but don't play her at her own game. She will make you look bad and you will lose. Be honest and open with your friends.
I'd leave out any accusations or anything like that.
Have PMed you.... Other posters....it's just about an experience I've had....don't want to derail thread.
Harry I wouldn't say anything to her at all, just withdraw completely - don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you have wasted even one minute on her.
Are you still allowed to go to the police with poison pen letters or did that stop when Agatha Christie popped her clogs?
Wow! Just read whole thread. Wanted to say to you Harry, that your friend and her DH deciding not to go because they thought it unfair you weren't invited is not a small victory. It is a HUGE one! And what a lovely proper friend she is. The Wendy has picked the wrong friendship to mess with there.
This Wendy's antics are not going to last long, because she's not being very subtle is she? The last group of people she was friends with rumbled her. And this lot will do too.
SO glad you brought this anonymous letter to light. If she wrote it, and I think we can assume she did, then she really is very stupid and her number will be up extremely soon. You really don't need to do anything. She is digging her own grave.
Am glad you have decided not to invite her to anything. If her ex-friend comes to your barbecue though, she may well entertain you all after a few Pimms or whatever with tales of why she would not touch the Wendy with a barge-pole.
And yes, just cancel the other barbecue
Harry, I don't think you actually need say anything to Wendy. If you and your friend just leave her out of any new events, your other friends will hopefully cotton on. Just make sure that any time you do have to interact with Wendy you keep it polite and no accusations. She can't then claim you are being nasty.
Gosh this is like the penny dropping. I had a Wendy too. Really toxic. The best thing to do really was to get away and stay away. It's hard to fight. I'm so glad you talked to your friend and she was supportive. I talked to a friend about it, one extremely upsetting day of humiliating exclusion, and my friend said simply "I can see what's happening". It changed everything. It's like a burden lifted when you realise you aren't alone in seeing someone as they really are, and that not everyone is taken in.
Can I just say thank you to everyone for the advice on this thread. Just reading what others have put has made me really see what's been going on and I'm so shocked by just how many of us have had experience of this kind of thing. I doubted my feelings for a while as paranoid and childish but I now see that it's not me. Its her, and I'm totally not going to let her win. Thanks again.
Yaayyy to you Harry! You've handled that brilliantly and you've seen your friend for the true pal she is.
Enjoy your Wendy free BBQ! (And I want to come too lol)
Been gripped by your saga, Harry, great how you've taken control of the situation.
You sound like you've got a lovely bunch of friends and a very active social life!
I would'nt bother exposing yourself to her by explaining why - you lose your 'power' by doing so. She knows what she is doing so why point it out?! Th best thing you can do (and this will piss her off the most) is if you just cut her out. Cancel your BBQ and send a text sayings to everyone sorry have to cancel BBQ. If you see her just smile and be polite (don't give her any ammunition) and just then do your own thing without ever inviting her. If your friends invite her to stuff that's their business and you'll have to put up with it but she will piss them off eventually too! Move on and simply cut her off. Don't give her any ammunition and don't give her any info on anything!
My friends really are the crux of this whole thing. They're a really nice bunch of people and I really do value them. Especially my lovely friend who decided not to go to her party, she is just brilliant and I love her even more for her support.
Hopefully the rest will see through her and drop her too. I hate people like that!
I echo what candyandyoga said. What's the acronym? JADE? Don't Justify, Apologise, Defend or Explain. You don't owe her anything and she'll try and twist it round anyway.
Plan a night out with your friend and buy her a couple of drinks? Then get drunk and tell her that you love her!
Invite your lovely friend over for dinner on Friday and then post numerous pictures of you both on FB together having a fab time. Game over for Wendy.
Yay! I'm so glad your friend is standing by you.
I agree, do not invite her to the barbecue, and do not say anything to her that could goad her to anger or that she could use against you. She's still a scary person. She could still turn other friends against you -- I don't mean to make you worried but people are changeable and it would be easy for her to create a "I said/no Harry said" situation and make a big mess of your friend group. I think you should just continue to play it quiet and let her flame out on her own. As others have said she probably will, she's going to get desperate and do more dramatic things -- stay back from all that.
I am so sorry so many other people here have had Wendys in their lives too. It is so, so awful to lose your friends, it's so lonely, and it's a hurt that really stays with you.
When I said "people are changeable" I didn't mean that your friends would turn against you, just that opinions can change. For example, if you say something mean to her, she could twist it to show that you were mean to her first and you are really the one causing the drama, and then some of your friends' opinions on you vs. her might be muddied. You don't want that.
I totally agree with KeatsiePie!
Wendies are very cunning creatures; they are experts at making themselves look like a victim. I would say stay squeaky clean, just cut her off without saying anything or confronting her, and try to rise above it. If you look as though she doesn't bother you at all, even if she slags you off to your friends, they are less likely to be turned against you if you have no involvement in anything that is said.
Agree with the advice. Cut her out but politely so you are above reproach. Bloody weirdo freak (her not you). I saw a Wendy at work once wow it was awful but slightly impressive. I was living with my sister and Wendy, Wendy was a university friend of my sisters who had seemed to be a decent sort. However Wendy had been ousted from her own friendship group as she had been going out with the alpha male of the group and they had split up so she slowly and determindly wormed her way into my sisters friendship group of school friends, who were all living in London too.
My sister and I realised one afternoon when my sister rang 3 of her old school friends who were all out with Wendy. Sister had not been invited. Wendy had put so much work into it - wooing each old school friend individually, meeting them for drinks, flattering them, aping their interests, never asking my sister. My sister was quite busy at that time and her boyfriend was living out of town so she was away for a few weekends. My sister fought back had it out with her (she cried, moaned and denied it). Luckily the friendships my sister had with her school friends was strong and all survived but a few of them are still friends with Wendy.
'Wendy' behaviour must be something that is just naturally ingrained into their brain. It wouldn't be on my radar to push someone out a group of friends and I wouldn't know where to begin if I did want to do it! I wonder whether Wendies spend hours carefully thinking up their gameplan, or whether the things they do just happen because they are unpleasant?
Genuine I imagine they must spend a lot of time planning, don't you think? But maybe it does feel natural to them; maybe for them it feels instinctive to be able to size up who to isolate and how to do it. I don't know where it comes from though.
I suspect it is a natural 'talent' with them.
I think they must just be competitive, controlling and manipulative by nature. Chuck in a healthy dose of deep insecurity, and you may well just find yourself with a recipe for Wendy.
A friend of mine is absurdly competitive, and can seem incredibly boastful. However, she's as likely to wax lyrical about something you or your DC have done.
If she was insecure, and bitter, or whatever else it is, she'd be an unholy nightmare. The Uber-Wendy. Because, however, she lacks malice, she's high-powered, and can be exhsusting, but she's always genuinely DELIGHTED in success....whether it's hers or yours.
I think they are sociopaths. My Wendy 'uses up' her friends over a period of ten years or so, moving on to a new victim and social set. She hangs loosely on to any old friends who haven't ditched her, but gets into a right panic if they ever meet. I think she reinvents herself so completely each time, she's scared of people comparing notes from her various phases. She acted very weird indeed when I met a group of her old flatmates - whom she'd never mentioned once in the six years we shared a flat!
She's been fired from numerous jobs for dishonesty. She's one of those people who creates an impressive reputation by building relationships, but isn't actually capable of the work she's supposed to do. I know she tried to blackmail at least one of her bosses.
And she's been having an affair with the same man since before he got married.
Oh, yeah, and we shared a flat for so long - she even persuaded me to give up my own place and share again with her - but I later found out she told everyone she lived alone! No idea how she pulled that off, but I guess people aren't actually looking for such blatant lies. We had loads of guests; she must have told them I was just staying over or something!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
My Wendy is very popular with many different circles. It's very important to her that she is the centre of attention. If she feels she's not, then she gets very low.
She's always getting people to do things for her like dropping of gifts for friends, buying her things in the supermarket, taking letters to the school office, getting her butcher to do a home delivery when he doesn't provide that service as a rule. I now say I can't do it and she hates it.
I'm trying to fade from her view. I'm not such a focus for her now she's 'taken' one of my really good friends. It's horrible but I would to know what she said to my friend. My friend turns on her heel whenever she sees me at school - she thinks I've not seen her - or scuttles off.
I guess she wasn't such a good friend after all. It still hurts a lot though.
Interestingly, my Wendy doesn't seem to go for the friends I have who aren't wealthy.
I feel sorry for her in some ways because she's on anti depressants, has huge arguments with her husband (one time she threatened him with a knife!) and all this desperate competition must be utterly exhausting.
I feel more sorry for her dcs. What if she Wendys them?
I have known several different Wendies over the years:
I was "best friends" with one all the way through secondary school. That was an experience! Unfortunately I didn't realise until I was older and wiser that she was a Wendy. I just thought at school that I was really unpopular but that I was lucky as I had her as a friend! Found out years later that she used to tell people I didn't like them, and that I had been bitching about them. She would also tell me the same thing, that they had been bitching about me and didn't like me! One friend stopped talking to me in the second year, and never spoke to me again to this day, but at the time I had no clue why.
I then came across another Wendy at my DCs school; I was once friends with her but she stopped talking to me at one point and managed to get some other friends not to talk to me too. I was wise to it though and just disengaged with them all and left them to it.
I have also come across some more Wendies, but I haven't been close to them so their Wendying hasn't affected me, I've just seen it from afar, and also I've come across an online Wendy too! She was on a pregnancy forum when I was pregnant with my youngest DC. She was very witty and charismatic and everyone thought she was amazing, but behind the scenes she was dividing and conquering. I actually left the forum as I could see the wendying going on (I think I am ultra sensitive to Wendy behaviour due to my school experiences) and I didn't like it. It made me feel sick to see how popular she was when she was nothing but manipulative.
It does just absolutely change you and the way you firm friendships, doesn't it?
I almost don't dare try and make good friends now.
No idea there were so many Wendys out there
OP- on Friday night you need to sit in with your friend and watch BRIDESMAIDS- maybe she will see the similarities....!
Being Wendied did completely and permanently change how I view and conduct friendships.
I always hold a little something back. A part of me refuses to trust fully. A part of me refrains from caring too much.
I know that someone can walk in from nowhere and take it all away from me, just because it suits her...and I know that my friends might not be loyal.
Once bitten twice shy.
Well done OP.
I'm so glad this Wendy is not getting away with this.
May all the Wendies get their comeuppances
OP I don't think your friends deciding bot to go to Wendy's drinks party is a small victory at all. I think it's a MASSIVE victory!
Bloody well done! I'm SO glad you tackled it wth your friend
Don't try any social engineering. Just acrry on being your good self
So glad for Harry that this is unravelling in her favour.
WEndies are weird. If I became a new member of social group, I'd want the friend in common to be the 'glue' that kept me in that group, and I'd acknowledge tacitly for years that that friend was the reason I knew the other friends!
What I really don't understand is why the Wendy people want to exclude the person that introduced them to the group.
I think it's because they are initially impressed by and jealous of your friends, and they have to prove to themselves that they can not only have it too, but be better at it than you.
Because while in a sense they envy you, they look down on you too, and think they are more deserving of what you have. They resent you having it because they, who are more worthy than you, don't.
Does that make sense?
A PP said, and I reckon it's right, that the Wendies do this because the introducing person is targeted because she's seen the Wendy as a vulnerable outsider.
pictish, it does make sense. It perfectly describes a woman I know. I'm not in competition with her. But she seems to believe there is a competition going on. She complimented me with other people listening and then cut me off at the knees a moment later (when people were chatting) with such a breath-takingly inappropriate put down that I was winded. The weird thing is her compliments seemed (with an audience) fairly genuine.
In short, they feel entitled to take your life. You insisting on hanging around afterwards, only dilutes their part, and focuses on how they came to be there...by your invitation only.
That's not enough for the competitive, greedy Wendy. She can't be expected to play second fiddle to you, she has to replace you.
the wendy I know has this personality disorder I think although I know pictsih you said yours was too sane to trip herself up.
just reading more links on that site about Histrionic PD there, people with HPD believe an acquaintance is a friend. They think everybody should be focused on their needs, they create drama if there is none, that boundaries aren't as important as getting attention (!!), that impressions are more important than substance, if they can't get enough attention via the truth a lie will suffice... there's more on that list.
No...mine didn't have a personality disorder as far as I can fairly safely ascertain.
She was very competitive, at a loose end, impressed by my friends, and obviously completely lacking in regard for me.
Simple as that.
It's not all her fault. If my friends had been any sort of friends worth having, they wouldn't have gone along with it. She was very persuasive and charming I know, but still.
It was the kick up the arse I needed to get out of my home town and do something else less boring instead. I didn't hang about to watch them all being jolly chums, while she openly rubbed my face in it.
I was ready to move on, and so I did. Very successfully. In some small way she did me an inadvertant favour.
I'd still quite like to punch her in the mouth. I'm not saying I'm all that confortable with feeling that way about her, but there you have it.
I don't think I've ever known anyone to hate me as much as she did/does. I don't know why, but I guess she was jealous.
The green eyed monster indeed.
What hectic social lives people have. Y
wow, that's even more chilling really. just like flicking through the ikea catalogue, i'll have your life thank you, now that you have assembled it for me.
I realise now I've seen this wendy business on a minor scale over the years. A beautiful but dull flatmate of mine, 15 years ago, she met a friend of mine, initially she sneered at him a bit, he wasn't quite good looking enough, not quiiite tall enough, and then when she saw how his friends stood so solidly around him, she did a rapid about turn and ended up engaged to him
Well done OP, and well done to your good friend. On a light(er) note I know a girl at work called Wendy , she is lovely.
I really wonder what makes people like this tick? What satisfaction do they get from their behaviour?
Hopefully others in your circle will see through her. As others have said, just drop her, and say nothing, keep your dignity, just as you have done up to now. As the saying goes, it is a long road that has no turning ?
just like flicking through the ikea catalogue, i'll have your life thank you, now that you have assembled it for me.
Exactly like that.
Oops, that should be a full stop beside the flowers, not a question mark. Apologies
My Wendy did one more weird thing after we'd split, pictish. She got in touch a year or so later, really quite desperate to meet up. When she arrived, she looked like me After years of taking the piss out of my gym habit and beauty routines (this was a long time ago!), she'd copied the whole lot including my hairstyle. The weird part was the way she kept going on about it; she wouldn't shut up! My first thought had been "Oh, good for you, you've got fit and look slick," but it just got more & more obvious that she saw it as having stolen something from me ... Like she thought I had a patent or something on fitness and hair straightening, and should be outraged that she'd nicked it
The only reason she'd been so anxious to meet was to show me she'd adopted "my" style. Well, there was nothing original about it and I was highly bemused that she seemed to find it so special. I really, really, would not like to see what the world looks like from inside a Wendy's head!
Competitive you see, but no imagination. She gets a buzz out of being better at being you than you are.
Mine was a total chameleon. Never had an original idea in her life.
Mine also did more stuff to me after the initial big Wendy, where she nicked my oldest pals. I won't go into it because I feel that I have talked and talked about myself on this thread enough already. This is a subject I do get quite animated about.
Suffice to say, she is one to avoid forever and ever and ever.
Pictish, has nobody else clocked her for what she is?
Not one of your friends or another person she's Wendied?
Sounds like she is really jealous of you and fixated on you. terrible.
From reading these experiences I suppose another way of describing a "Wendy" is as a shit stirrer. I've met many of them in my life, male and female. They load up all the bullets and then sit back and watch as it all kicks off around them.
Yes...my closest female pal that ditched me for her at the time, fell out with her a couple of years later. She broke away from the group too. I did get apologies, but I had moved on by then, and didn't need her fairweather friendship. We are in very sporadic contact and are amicable, but she was awful to me, and I'm not lacking friends, so she's history.
The other close friend she was able to snatch away was a bloke, and they have since fallen out too. The rest of the group have pretty much outcast him at her behest. I don't talk to him at all...he was an utter shit to me at the time, because he had the biggest hard-on for Wendy ever, so his loyalty was firmly in his trousers. He thoroughly enjoyed ganging up against me, as he is an inadequate person himself, and after an argument which ended up with him slapping me across the head in order to impress her, I considered him dead.
He has made tentative attempts to contact me over the years, but I have ignored him.
So yeah...there are people who know who she is, but she is very skillful, and remains going about her life with my oldest friends.
Well she is a poisonous toad.
But in all honesty, you sound so strong and perceptive about it all.
You've shaken off any pally attempts by those two friends who fell out with Wendy. You've forged ahead. You've won. You do realise that? Like HarrySnotter.
Your oldest friends that Wendy is still swanning around with are clearly tossers.
For those that were wondering about the origin of "Wendy", I think it's from the Judy Blume book Blubber
I remember reading that book as a child.
Perhaps that's where the writer of the original Wendy thread got her name choice from?
OP - any more updates???
we need an update OP
sorry to but in after all these threads but so fascinating. Well done Harryand all you Wendy outers. Op please let us know how your bbq or party went.
we need to know what Wendy is up to now has she moved on?
Good for you Harry and good for your lovely friend for sticking by you!
I was unfortunate enough to live with a Wendy at university. She would constantly bitch about me to my best female friend and boyfriend, who also both lived with us. They didn't stick up for me because they didn't want to cause problems in the house apparently. After 2 years in which I thought I must be going mad I moved out and it was such a relief.
However my former best female friend is now godmother to Wendy's daughter while I wasn't even invited to her wedding last year. Still really upsets me to this day and it's been very interesting reading this thread as it makes it clear that Wendy knew exactly what she was doing.
Maybe we need to form some sort of Wendy victim support group?!
Only read first half of the thread but my blood is boiling so have to write! Bloody woman is being a total cow and is actively seeking to exclude you from your friends without a doubt!
But I get so angry because the only way to stop people like this in their tracks is for YOUR FRIENDS to stick up for you and tell her, sorry if op is not envited then we won't go as its not nice to leave her out!!!!! END OF!! Why are they allowing this to happen? Grrrr bloody women
Bumping. What's the latest from Wendy, OP?
WOW I've just read this thread for the first time, thank you for bumping TheHuff.
I've been a victim to a Wendy which sadly lost me a few (apparently not so good) friends. I wish I had the wisdom of Mumsnet around at the time because even to this day I acutely feel the hurt, rejection, and, unfairness of it. I too felt like a bad person for being 'jealous' when it was nothing of the sort. I just had this Wendy pegged but no one around me did (or didn't care enough).
I'm very sorry you went through this Harry and I would be interested to hear how your friends have handled Wendy. Sounds like you have one ace friend there anyway.
Take care Harry - I really hope all has gone well. I admire the way you have handled it. And I'm grateful to all the posters with their fab advice on what is a very difficult situation. Thank you.
I don't know if anyone remembers this but I thought I'd update developments! There have been lots of things going on over the last few weeks and interestingly, my Wendy seems to have shot herself in the foot slightly.
I've been very quiet about the whole thing, I decided that the best thing was not to react until I had really had a think about what was happening and what to do about it. I had my little do with new friend invited , who is absolutely lovely and I'm delighted that she's living round the corner now.
After the party I just decided to take a bit of a step back and watch what was going on and it seems it was the right thing to do. So far over the last 2 weeks, 3 of my friends have made little comments about Wendy being 'overbearing' and 'smothering' in her desperate attempts to be the centre of just about everything. She expects to be invited to every single little thing, even a spur of the moment coffee etc. Another friend mentioned she wasn't sure but thought she may be being manipulated. Through all this I have said very little as I want people to make up their own minds about her. So, I'm feeling positive about the whole thing, it seems if you give someone enough rope etc etc.
Oh thanks for the update Harry, I'd been thinking of you and your horrid situation since I first read the thread.
It looks like your friends can see through her too then? That's a relief.
Fingers crossed she'll get bored with not being the centre of attention soon enough, and leave you all in peace.
Well done, OP!
I truly never knew such weirdos existed. It makes for chilling reading.
You handled it very diplomatically, Harry, really impressive. You kept your cool didnt over react or try to be negative to your existing friends about 'Wendy' and now you know who your true friends are and made a new friend as well. A great outcome, glad you feel better about things. Its the sort of thing that really hurts me because you try to be open, honest don't you, include people and no fixed agenda with people, but once in a while someone puts the spanner in the works.
But things always find their own level in the end!
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