To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?(371 Posts)
H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).
Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.
He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).
He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.
Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.
He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.
Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.
Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.
So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?
Am I missing something?
I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?
He is a criminal he should have a record.
Hope you are ok op
Yanbu. If he didn't want a criminal record he shouldn't have assaulted you. I hope you are feeling ok.
I think YANBU. If you were to drop the charges you would be saying, it's OK, what you did wasn't so bad. Flipping heck, he could have KILLED you!
I'm with you OP.
YANBU AT ALL.
Hope you are ok. x
OP, I am so very sorry to hear this. You have been incredibly brave by phoning the police. You're also showing real strength of character by putting your needs and your DD's needs above those of your husband's. It sounds like you've been bending over backwards to accommodate his 'social life' for a long time now and it's high time you put your own safety first.
It never ceases to amaze me how people can gloss over something like a serious physical assault. Those people whoever they are need to keep their opinions to themselves. You are absolutely right - what he did to you was criminal, dangerous and utterly disgusting. I hope you are physically ok.
If at all possible, stay away from the people who think that your safety is worth nothing and rely on people who are supporting you. Trust yourself - you have absolutely done the right thing in this situation so far.
This is 100% your decision but as a domestic violence survivor myself, my honest opinion is that you should not drop the charges. I'm holding your hand if you want me to
No you shouldn't drop the charges. Hope you are ok.
You did absolutely the right thing. Well done. It takes courage to call police on a loved one.
YANBU to prosecute.
It sounds that you have made all the sacrifices and unfortunately this has resulted in your needs being disregarded, but it does appear that you have allowed it to happen, a little bit.
I do not mean the assault at all- I think he has been allowed to get away with lots of incidental things which has led to his and other people's belief that you should just sit back and take it and more importantly that he should be allowed to do so.
Some people are idiots...ignore them.
No, you shouldn't drop the charges. Far too many people excuse violence in the context of a relationship as somehow lesser than assaulting a stranger in the street, whereas it's actually worse coming from someone supposed to love you and protect your best interests.
Contrary to popular belief, pressing charges is especially important if you want to try to work past this and continue the relationship, since it makes a very clear zero-tolerance statement.
I rather suspect, however, that there are other non-violent forms of abusive behaviour going on and that you'd be better off without him.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I rather suspect, however, that there are other non-violent forms of abusive behaviour going on and that you'd be better off without him.
You should not drop the charges especially seeing as he's your husband! Christ, would your family rather have him beat you than be forced to face up to what he is?!
If you found out he had done it to a stranger you would expect him to be prosecuted wouldn't you? Just because he's married to you is rather besides the point. He assaulted you, causing harm. Maybe it is time he learned the reality of the consequences of his actions.
Is there a reason you are still a couple? Sorry, but I don't see him bringing much into your relationship from your descriptions above. Hopefully this might be his wake up call.
Hope you are ok op.
What is wrong with your family? He kicked you in the chest, that doesn't deserve a criminal record?!
He deserves everything he gets and the only way to make these society understand domestic violence is not acceptable is to come down on perpetrators hard. By dropping the charges all you're doing is letting him know he can get away with whatever he wants.
Hope you're ok now
It would be awful for him to have a criminal record.
It would be awful for me to have a criminal record and that is why I don't go around kicking people in the chest.
Please do not drop the charges and think carefully about your relationship with the 'close family members'.
Nope, you did the right thing. Anyone telling you otherwise is being blinded by the fact that he's a close family member.
Good luck to you. I hope you're doing ok, you sound like you've got it under control but it's a terrible thing that's happen to you, do take care of yourself x
I thought I was going mad.
I really appreciate your support. I am physically OK ish (bit bruised and my ribs are still pretty sore).
I have to get a million days worth of work done this afternoon so I am going to run off now but I just needed a sanity check as I couldn't think straight.
I will post more later in response to the points some of you have raised and thank you again
<feels less crazy than before posting>
Why shouldn't he face the consequences of his actions?
Is he too special to have to?
Or are they saying that a husband has the right to assault his wife? That it's not like a proper assault cos it was only you?
Screw that. If he didn't want a criminal record he had the choice to not behave criminally.
Whose fault will it be? HIS!!
YANBU. Lots of women don't report it then it gets worse. He shouldn't have done it, and it's his fault if he gets a criminal record. He should have gone to counselling with you before it came to this. So sorry to hear that you've been subjected to this and hope you are ok.
YADNBU. Good for you. Press charges and LTB!! X
'I rather suspect, however, that there are other non-violent forms of abusive behaviour going on and that you'd be better off without him'
Agree. It certainly sounds like he's been taking advantage of your good nature to carry on the same social life he had before your DD came along. I wonder when was the last time you had a good night out OP. He sounds very selfish and unsupportive. And now violent You do not need someone like that in your life.
I would drop those close family members like hot shit as well tbh.
They are basically saying that what he did to you was ok, that it was nothing to get upset about.
They think you are worth so little that it is ok to be kicked about.
Ask them if it would be ok for you to take out your anger on them with your foot because clearly they think is a forgivable action.
Please do not give in to any pressure from him or 'them' you and your daughter deserve much, much better than that.
No one deserves to be attacked. Being drunk is no excuse. It's a kick now. What will it be next time?
I'm really sorry this happened to you.
YANBU. If he doesn't want a criminal record then he shouldn't carry out criminal behaviour. I'm so sad that in this day and age there are still people who can somehow think that it is less criminal for a man to kick his wife in the chest than it would be for him to kick a complete stranger.
Please don't give in to the pressure. I suspect he has been playing the sympathy card to other people, and turning it round to make it look like he is the victim.
Being drunk is not an excuse. If you get that out of control when drunk then regulate yourself by not getting drunk enough to enter that state simple as.
Sod him, he lost the right to any welfare concerns when he kicked you in the chest
But could there be any disadvantages for you?
Is it possible that you could lose out financially? Does he work? If so, would his employer continue to employ him after criminal conviction?
Do you have a lot of joint assets - house, business etc? Would securing a criminal conviction be advantageous to you in how these get divided?
I think you need proper legal advice here.
I started reading this, and thought he sounds EXACTLY like my ex -husband. A bully, and doesnt seem to want his life to change. I know I shouldnt make assumptions on a paragraph, but its the whole, he goes to a party and leaves you at home? WTAF.Where was your invite? My present DH would no more dream of going to a party without me than cut his ear off.
So you are making sure HE still has a social life, what about yours? Its like you are apologising for having your DD, that BOTh of you created.
If he can't do the time, he shouldn't do the time and kicking you in the chest, doesnt sound like a reasonable man, drunk or otherwise.
Get rid ASAP
you absolutely did the right thing. Black and white, end of story. Can't believe anyone would think otherwise.
please excuse me if someone has already said this, but it is not up to you to drop the charges, it used to work like that but doesn't any more. It is now in the hands of the police and the CPS. Tell your relatives to stick that in their pipes and smoke it.
Best wishes to you.
YANBU and I sincerely hope you LTB
You are definitely not being unreasonable.
YANBU, you did the right thing. He assaulted you and should rightly face the consequences of doing so. Well done for being strong enough to call the police and see this through.
I'm amazed! Your DH kicked you/ goes out every week and gets drunk and the family think you're in the wrong? YADNBU that's disgusting. Please don't drop the charges.
YADNBU - and in fact, you are a very strong woman who is making the right stand here.
It's very unlikely that your H will receive a custodial sentence, if this is the first time he's been arrested/ charged with DA.
He will have a criminal record and if he's lucky, will be offered the opportunity to reflect on his abusive behaviours on a RESPECT course.
YANBU and it is entirely correct to keep things official, let him get a criminal record and force him to face up to what he has done and choose whether he wants to continue to be a violent person or to learn to deal with lifes ups and downs in an equitable and non-violent way.
Plus, watch this.
Wow, that must have been some kick to have floored you and given you bruises- what if it had been your head? Cannot understand how anyone could minimise this, nor could I have a man around me who did that. I'm so sorry, you are in the right, they are utterly in the wrong.
(especially from 5m45seconds in that film)
One more saying YANBU. I would ask those who tell you do drop charges 'So you think it's ok for a man to hit his wife, do you?' and when they stall and go 'Um, no, but', cut them off and say 'Good, because neither do I and neither does the law. That's why he's been charged with an offence'.
He sounds selfish as well as an aggressive bully.
I hope for your safety & your daughter's, you're seriously thinking about leaving.
You did absolutely the right thing to protect you and your daughter.
A criminal record is purely the consequence of his actions, not yours.
There is never any excuse for domestic violence. Ever.
Reading between the lines in your OP, the "abusive" behaviour has been ongoing for some time. You admit that he has been controlling you - demanding to be allowed his social life but denying you one.
This time, he was raging drunk and kicked you - what if next time you are holding your sweet DD?
He has been allowed bail with a no contact order. He was charged with battery, NOT assault. Common assault is the laying on of hands, battery means that he has caused injury.
If there are family members suggesting you drop the charges, they are far more interested in the family image and the assailant's reputation than in the rights and safety of the victims. They are not going to be supportive of you unless you bow to their whims. I'd venture to guess they are relatives of your H's?
If the domestic violence laws there are anything like they are here, even if you wanted to withdraw the charges you will not have that option. This has been put in place to protect the victims of domestic violence from being pressured into withdrawing their complaints. Remember that an order of no contact goes both ways - he can't contact you/enter the family home/have contact with your DD (even through a third party unless it is the police, social work or legal representation) and you cannot contact him, either.
You did the right thing, you are still doing the right thing.
Intoxication is not a defense. He may well end up with a criminal record... funny thing, that is often a side effect of committing a criminal act.
He deserves a criminal record. Tough shit on him, he shouldn't have assaulted you.
The next time a family member says something like that ask them if they would feel the same if it had been your daughter that was kicked? Or their daughter/son? Or their mum/gran?
Congratulations on being a strong woman and for showing a GREAT example to your DD.
YADNBU. You poor thing.
Press charges, leave the bastard, and be happier.
REally shocked that family members have suggested this - so sad for you OP - stay strong xx
He could have stopped your heart by kicking you in the chest. You and your DD had a near miss.
I wonder what these family members would be saying if they had to deal with a murder charge and an orphaned wee girl.
If you ever waver or they make you feel sorry for him please try and think that by charging him now you're giving him the chance to change before he truly ruins all your lives.
Like everyone else on this thread I think you've done the right thing.
"Press charges, leave the bastard, and be happier."
You and your baby deserve better. You did a very courageous thing by going to the police in the first place. Don't let any unreasonable twats in your life bring you down.
If you drop the charges you are basically telling him its OK.
If he's got it in him to do it once he's got it in him to do it again.
Hope you're OK
How would it be more awful for him to have a criminal record than for you and your DD to live with a violent abuser??
You are DDDDDNBU.
I couldn't press charges because DH would loose his job. If he ever did anything like that I'd want the DCs to be able to screw every penny of maintainable out of him they could.
Otherwise, quite clearly men who hit their wives are criminals and deserve to be treated as such.
OP, if a random stranger in the street kicked you in the chest, I highly doubt you'd just 'let it go'. The fact that the man you've had kids with and given up a lot for did it is even worse.
You are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not being unreasonable and I really feel for you.
You need that like a hole in the head.
It was him who got himself arrested for assault.
What everyone has said. Im curious as to what family members think this
Remember that often violence escalates
Good grief YANBU!!!
Bloody hell well done for sticking to your guns OP, and I'd be telling the family members where to stick it too!
Really hope you're as well as can be, given the circs
Definitely right to call the police.
When I was a little girl (in the 70's) my auntie would regularly turn up at our house on a Saturday night pouring with blood, battered and bruised. No-one talked about it and I couldn't understand what was going on.
Eventually I worked out or found out that it was my uncle who did this to her when he was drunk giving ever more ridiculous 'reasons' for his anger at her. He even threw boiling water at her when she was holding their baby and killed their pet budgie.
She had nowhere to go and no way to support herself so she stayed and put up with it for more than 25 years. He only stopped when he got ill.
Violence has no place in a relationship and women nowadays don't have to put up with it. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
If you have any doubts, thinks of my auntie, still being battered in her 40s and 50s.
He committed a criminal act. He'll just have to live with having the record of it.
You've done absolutely the right thing for you and your baby.
Those other people are apologists. Although they may not intend it, they make such behaviour socially acceptable.
Sorry this has happened
no. The charges stick and that, I'm afraid, is game over on your relationship.
he got drunk and assaulted you. Being drunk is not a mitigating factor, it is an aggravating one.
Game over before he hurts you again. Good luck.
Some people think that men have a right to be violent to their wives and it isn't a real crime. These people are knobs.
I know I remember the woman next door telling my husband i had deserved two black eyes as she had seen the nasty way I looked at him. (!!)
How would you feel if someone did this to your little girl? horrified no doubt. You need to value yourself in the same way.
Write off anyone who doesn't support you pressing charges.
Think very carefully about your next steps regarding continuing a relationship with a violent partner. Your DD is counting on you to provide a safe, calm home. Can this be achieved with somone who acts like this?
I grew up in a house like this. 1 parent may have carried out the violence, but the other parent failed to put a stop to it & therefore allowed it to continue. Eventually it was too painful to have either of them in my life.
be brave (((((hug))))))
You're so brave. There are many women who wouldn't have done anything and gone for years in an abusive relationship. Well done for acting and I'm sorry your realtionship has come to this. All the best as you move forward.
No you should not drop the charges. I hope you are leaving him.
I hope you have photographed the bruises and had it documented by GP or A&E.
YANBU, at all, and I hope you have also told him to leave your home?
If you need an answer for the
fucking idiot apologists around you, ask them to imagine what would have happened if your DD had been in your arms when he kicked you?
Stay strong. I think you are amazing for reporting x
It would be such a shame for him to have a criminal record eh? But not a shame that he caused you injury? He deserves a criminal record for what he did. Your family are being very very unreasonable.
It is no longer your choice to make, love
I hope you are ending your relationship
OP, you have already been very brave by acting immediately and doing exactly the right thing. Not trying to analyse and see what you did wrong, or excusing him because he was drunk, or convincing yourself he's not like that really.
As everyone has said, what would these relatives be saying if you had been attacked randomly in the street or pub? Would they also want him let off he he behaved like this to someone in the street?
Too mnay times we hear on here and in the news of women who think it's a one off, think he loves them really and will change, etc etc. Think any man is better than no man.
This is a wake up call. get away before you become so used to this sort of thing that you can't see how it's escalating and live everyday wondering if today will be the day he hurts you again. You owe it to yourself and your child to get this man out of your life and ignore anyone who says otherwise.
I am so sorry you have had this massive shock and all that it entails. You will get loads of support and advise on here.
YADNBU. Not at all, you're protecting yourself and your DD. He deserves his conviction and everything that goes with it.
Good luck OP
Please, please do not withdraw your statement.
I am a defence lawyer, so I represent people in the position of your husband and I know just how frustrated the CPS get when some violent arse strolls out of court because their partner decides not to go through with it. Not frustrated with the partner, because they know perfectly well that there are all sorts of reasons why people decide to drop a case, but frustrated because they know they will go back and do it again.
Yanbu. Ignore any stupid arses, you don't owe this shithead anything, far from it. He is a criminal, there are laws against what he did for good reason, you should NOT protect him from the law. He deserves a record, and a lot more besides.
You lovely brave woman. you sound so strong and determined to follow through with this. Dont let these family members dissuade you.
He's an absolute fucking bastard and totally deserves a criminal record and the book throwing at him.
BUT completely thinking of you and your children and the financial support you are going to get off him in the future: Is this going to affect the amount of money you get? If it's going to mean he loses his job and can't get another one and therefore you get no money off him I would think twice. But I'm saying this totally for your sake financially rather than him for his career.
Hope you are ok
most importantly you are teaching your child that no-one gets away with hitting another person
Absolutely press charges. Also not sure if this has been covered up thread but I think you should get checked out by a doctor/have an x-ray. The kick may have caused problems you aren't aware of.
He could have deprived your DD of her mother growing up!
Get angry, get rid of the pointless family member apologists!
I just had to add my voice to the masses. YANBU, not even slightly. A criminal record will be the result of his actions, not a result of yours. Not your fault, or your doing in any way shape or form. You are simply protecting yourself and your daughter from someone who sees fit to kick you! He chose to get that drunk, and he chose to attack you. You're bruised and shaken, but it could have been so much worse.
It sounds like these family members are potentially embarassed by the situation, and instead of supporting you (as they bloody well should be!) they are pushing you to sweep it all under the rug. Disgusting behaviour from them.
You break the law you get prosecuted. I cannot think of a single reason why anyone should ever have charges against them dropped for breaking the law.
I always say what would you do if a stranger did this to you? Because to do this to someone you supposedly live is a million times worse IMO and deserves the severest punishment possible.
Sorry supposedly love.
I'd pack his bags for him whist he was out too and tell him if he wants to keep on acting like a single man you are giving him the opportunity to carry on but if he wants to stop acting like a 23 year old without any responsibilities then he can stay.
Actually no he wouldn't get a second chance. He would be out!
What is it with people.
If you are in the uk it is not you who brings charges against the offender it is the crown. With domestic violence related attacks you cannot even request they do not prosecute once the police have been called that's that the cps decides how to continue.
In order to get anything dropped you would have to say you lied and even then if they can prove you told the truth they would still go ahead and quite bloody right to because it stops people who have been attacked by someone who claims to love them from being bullied into dropping anything by either that bully or by anybody else who also claims to love them.
Yep op these people asking you to do this are A. Stupid and have no understanding of how it works and B. love you so much they think its ok for you to be kicked by your husband.
Good for you!
Tell the rest of them either
(A) if he didn't want a criminal record he shouldn't have committed a criminal act
Or my preference (b)
Oh and fwiw if a family member of mine did this to their wife ( even if I didn't like her) I would be making it perfectly clear to him how low I thought it was I would never forgive them. If they were a family member who I fund or who I have left any money to they would not get it I would give it to there wife.
And I would do absolutely everything I could do to support her throughout the process and after.
Domestic abuse should never go unchallenged should never be supported and people who do it deserve more punishment than the courts are ever likely to give them.
A close friend of mine was a state attorney in Baltimore (so don't know if this happens in all US states) he told me that when "domestics" were reported they were always prosecuted and not allowed to be dropped even when they were asked to drop it.
He said that this was the law to prevent any family or partner pressure on the victim.
Out of interest, the 'family members' YOUR side of the family? Mother? Sister? Father?
Attitudes like this are what put you in the path of a violent man in the first place.
Tell them to FTFO off too if they can't support you.
People like that are better out of our lives, and away from our dc. They're worse than the offender imo, as they are calm, rational and not off their faces but STILL advocate you getting a kicking.
I am overwhelmed by all your responses and support- a huge, heartfelt thank you.
I'm sorry I can't respond to everyone but I have two hours to do about eight hours work so I'd best crack on asap but I wanted to reply to some of the points raised / asked.
It is mainly my mother asking me to drop the charges - she has issues so I suppose I should have seen that coming really. His family are also obviously trying to persuade me to drop the charges. But also some of H's friends. I have just had one on the phone saying "It wasn't that bad, it's not like he broke a rib or anything."
I had no idea I couldn't drop charges (not that I wanted to anyway) - I am in two minds as to whether to tell this to people or just stick to FTFO (my preferred option).
I think I was lucky. Had he been slightly less drunk and better coordinated, I think it would have been worse.
I am going to LTB and I am going to talk to solicitors tomorrow. My main reasons are:
- HE FUCKING KICKED ME
- It is not OK to kick people
- I will never trust him not to do it again
- I know that DV escalates; and as one of the posters said, what if he had kicked my head? Or punctured a lung? What will he do next time? Kick me down the stairs? Emphasise his argument with a knife?
- I would have bet my life on the fact that he would not ever be violent to me; the fact that he has been shows he is not the man I fell in love with
- What if he hurts DD? Intentionally or just because I happen to be holding her next time I do something to annoy him
- I refuse to walk on eggshells scared of what might happen if I disagree with him
- I do not want DD growing up thinking violence is acceptable so I have to lead by example
- And did I mention HE FUCKING KICKED ME?
pls excuse appalling language...
He is self-employed so he will not lose his job; also, I am not financially dependent on him (I earn approx. 5x his salary working just two days a week) so I no longer give a flying fuck if he does lose his job.
I had not considered the impact of him having a criminal record on us divorcing - if anyone has any info / views on this then please do tell me. We own a house together, that's our main asset; he put down a lot more deposit (an inheritance) so I'm guessing we're going to end up selling and splitting the proceeds, which is fine.
He is currently not allowed near us or the house otherwise he is in breach of bail and can I just say that now, the evening of my third day of being a single parent I have:
- been up at crazy o'clock to fit work in before DD woke up
- spent the whole day having a marvellous time with my gorgeous little girl
- never worked so hard in my life to fit work / housework around her naps
- taken the dog out three times so he doesn't miss out
- and now I have just settled down to do a couple of more hours work
I have never been so tired in my life! But, and this makes me realise how crappily he has treated me: the past three days have been the longest stretch I can remember when I haven't been made to (or allowed someone to make me) feel shit about myself.
He can't have any contact with us until the hearing and I feel that every day I get by without him, I am writing out our lives.
Oh I really have to get back to my work but thank you all sooooo much; I have very few people in RL I can talk to about this at the moment and I appreciate your sanity and support.
Thank you thank you thank you again
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.
You are doing amazingly well, but do try to factor in some time just to relax.
Welcome to a new, amazing life.
You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter. Big hugs x x assault is assault, you husbands friends and family are idiots. X
'It wasn't that bad, it's not like he broke a rib or anything." Thank goodness that since this came from a friend of his you can cut them out of your life.
Your mother should be ashamed of herself and is letting you down big time. I would say that to her straight if she tries to talk you round again.
It is so refreshing to see someone refuse to be a victim, I applaud you! Hope you get some rest and your bruises heal quickly.
Do you have any childcare available? You sound like you are running on adrenaline and might benefit from a bit of a break.
I agree with every single letter you have written.
I knew it'd be your Mum. Ignore her. She's part of the reason you got targeted by someone who kicks their partner.
Btw, kicking is a special kind of assault. It shows true hatred, disdain and contempt of you. It's way worse than any other form of assault, so I believe.
My ex used to kick.
For now you are safe, protected by the law/bail etc. You are angry, motivated, scared, determined, resigned, hurt. There is a lot of momentum in adrenaline.
Allow it to carry you through, but bear in mind that the adrenaline does peter out a bit, and about 6m time, it might be a struggle, you may falter.
This is normal, totally to be expected. Know this and don't allow it to weaken the resolve you have.
Read what you have written here, come talk to us and let us know if you wobble. Many of us do, it's hard work recovering from the shock of realising you're a victim of domestic abuse.
Well done, you're doing the right thing.
Things will calm down workwise after the middle of next week - I am just having to pack in a lot of work to which I committed when I thought H would be looking after DD at the weekend and most of this week.
As of next Friday, I will just be working two days a week. SIL (my DB's wife; not H's sis) will be able to help out on this Fri, Sat and Sun so that gives me a bit of a break too. She is also taking DD for a couple of days next week when I will actually be in the office.
I am definitely living off coffee at the moment but I've done longer stints at this pace and I am an obstinate old mare so I am sure I can make it through until then.
It is also making me focus on something else so I don't get too caught up in being furious.
Blimey OP - well done!
You should be really proud of yourself.
I wish you and your DD all the luck in the future.
YADNBU - and for people to ring you up and say its not like he broke a rib should be told to wind their necks in and fuck the funk off to fuckville.
A kick to the chest can interrupt the electrical activity of the heart. It can stop it. He's bloody lucky he didn't kill you with that one kick. It's fab to see you're getting rid and refusing to be the victim. You know that you're worth more, are doing better without and are having great days with LO. Well done you - and hope your bruises heal soon
Hissy - bloody good point about my crappy mother and the link to being with someone who kicked me.
And please, if any of you see me on here at any point asking if I should consider taking him back, PM me for my address and come round in person to berate me.
I hear what you are saying though and I am sure I will falter at some point. But the welfare of my little DD has to be my priority and I know he is a bad, draining influence
And again, a HUGE thank you.
When I get a minute, I am going to print all of this off and keep it for my rainy day / wobble drawer in case I feel any inclination to take him back
The no contact order includes through a third party - so unless it is the police, a social worker or solicitor, he cannot have any contact with you, NOR CAN HIS FAMILY/FRIENDS... especially since they have been trying to persuade you to withdraw the complaint.
You did not press the charges - the crown did. They are not yours to withdraw. The only way for you to have the charges withdrawn is to go on the stand and purjor yourself, at which time you could face a charge for criminal mischief. This (of course) is not something you need.
You need to be abused even less.
You are better than the treatment you have been subjected to.
You are worth more.
Right now, things are wild, but you will become accustomed to it all. It is just a matter of learning how to arrange your time within a new framework.
Good for you op - keep going for you & your beautiful dd
OP, bloody well done! All MNetters on here are so proud of you for having the courage to walk away and to ensure that he's charged with the consequences of his actions.
Enjoy your life without this piece of shit cluttering up your home!
the next person who phones or text you about it, say you will be giving this information to the police which will make it worse on your STBXH
I just wanted to say well done, and wish you strength.
An listen to Hissy re mothers....she 'counselled' me when my mother was undermining my resolve to leave abusive X (she wont emember, name changed, but I will always be grateful!)
Its really hard to accept that , sometimes our mums dont have our best interests a heart x
Go you! The man is an utter fucking cock, to abuse his wife like this. Stay strong. Your dd is blessed in having a strong, amazing mother - what a role model you are, OP!
Ginshizz, you are admirable. Best wishes from my heart.
Well done OP, you are doing exactly whats right for you and your dd violence is inexcusable. You are bring really brave.
Wow - I am so impressed with you OP, you are an amazing woman and mum. Keep tight hold on that strength
I am very touched by all your posts, thank you.
In a slightly rambling way, I think I've also just realised what's confused me about the suggestions that I forget it all happened - it's that people genuinely think if I don't make a fuss, we can be a loving and happy family.
But that can't happen now. They are seeing a potential future that does not exist. The opposite of divorce is not happy ever after; it's spending the rest of my life in fear and misery, and inflicting this on DD.
It's not like I am choosing to be a single mum and bring up DD without the support of her dad because I don't want to be part of a loving family unit. It's because there is no hope of us ever being a family unit. And that is thanks to STBXH.
Some people are morons.
Sorry for waffling...
What a relief to see such swift justice on here. You've done so well. But OP, I'm dying to know what your job is!
Im sorry to hear this has happened OP I think i remember you posting on the night you were waiting up for him.
I too knew it would be your mum because mine is the same. Same attitudes and apologism.
People ringing you up and asking you to drop charges are tampering with a witness. It is illegal and i include your mum in this. I think they need a subtle reminder of this if they keep on at you. I too think you are an amazing woman and mum and a fantastic example to your DD
Lovey, that's not waffling, that's pretty sound rationale there!
Well done, OP. You are absolutely doing the right thing so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Oh my mum was the same. It's very common in DV situations.
Which is another reason why WE have to stand up and get out of it, so our DC don't think they should tolerate it in their lives!
Its very worryingly common. Family image seems to be more important to them than anything else.
That's not waffle, that is total sense. Well done you totally fabulous woman.
I just wanted to say I think you're an amazingly strong woman and your DD is lucky to have you. Well done for getting yourself and her out of that life, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Well done OP.
Really, really, well done.
Ginshizz you are amazing - your DD is very lucky to have you. xx
You've summed it up perfectly when you ask what is the opposite of divorce.
Those questioning you should think if they'd want you to stay married to any man who kicked you, not just this particular man. They are thinking of him, not you.
Ginshizz I have just read the whole thread, and you are amazing. I am truly impressed by how strong you are being for your DD. Continue to ignore those idiots who think you can go back to playing happy families.
I rarely post in the relationships section but I just wanted to say that I read your OP and applauded loudly at my desk.
Your attitude is amazing and your daughter is very lucky to have you as a role model. You stbxh is scum under your boot and you're absolutely doing the best thing in pressing charges.
And yes, "fuck you" is the only appropriate response to anyone whole feels otherwise. Please keep us posted and let us know how you get on, we're always here for support x
Op I'm guessing your in the uk.
Him having a criminal record will not cause you any detriment during a divorce if anything it will help you as will him being currently on bail should you start proceedings before the criminal hearing.
In the uk we only have 5 grounds for divorce the one that it will help is unreasonable behaviour DV with physical violence is a good enough reason even if the physical violence happens once, so no need for you to bulk out your examples he would be hard pushed to challenge this with either a pending hearing and your knowledge that he admitted it to the police or a conviction.
So that document is easier for you to do with your solisiter
If he has asked encouraged or incited anyone to contact you on his behalf for any reason ( other than a professional legal practitioner acting on his behalf for a genuine legal reason like divorce NOT anything to do with current criminal proceedings as they can not do that) it is a breach of his bail conditions if they are asking you to alter anything to do with the criminal charges then it is even more serious he can be arrested.
Having a DV related conviction can make child contact differcult for the person with the conviction as the children's act now has to consider the impact of this on children so any issues with this and it will help if you also tell your solisiter about any other types of domestic abuse such as threats emotional abuse and his lack of interest in the dc that said it often does not consider it much unless you are quite switched on but you sound like you are.
From a maintainance perspective as he's self employed do not expect that aspect to be easy loads of SE nrp's especially abusive twats think nothing of doing everything they can to reduce liability ( from the poxy 15% you get for one child) and its quite easy to do. A quick call to the csa can start the ball rolling and his bail conditions do not prohibit you from doing this.
When his hearing has finished compleatly he will leave court with you having no legal protection that keeps him away from you however these days the cps can be asked to obtain a protection order on your behalf as part of the criminal proceedings. If you have not yet done a victim impact statement (that's different to your actual police statement but is taken by the police) its a jolly good idea to do one and at the end of it actually make this request also tell the police that you would like it documented in the file they send the cps that you would like them to consider it.
If for what ever reason they do not request one or do not get one then you in your own right can request one but you do it as a civil matter not criminal you can request one as an emergency without notice to him or as a none emergency with him being notified you can have a power of arrest attached to this if you ask for it so if he breaches it he will be arrested. For any very important civil legal matters unless you are very very confident and able to take in info very quickly and he is unlikely to challenge it,its quite advisable to obtain support from a legal firm most areas have firms who specialise in DV so when your looking at ads look for this as well as ones who state they do family law. But obviously whilst you are protected by the bail conditions its not hugely urgent as with regard to all the criminal stuff the cps is your voice so other than following there requests to do things like turn up at court you do not need to do anything else so no need to obtain advice regarding that aspect its just the divorce and related matters.
Oh and you will also recive a letter from social services do not panic about this it is standard the police are legally obliged to notify ss with regard to DV reports if children are in the house or there is evidence of a child normally being there.
In a one off report of violence with no history it would be unlikely for it to be anything other than just a letter saying we have been informed of xyz on such and such date on this occasion we are taking no further action but if you need us for anything please call. Some areas may send someone to see you but again don't panic its routine and done to offer support if you need it.it would be highly unusual for a woman who is as determind as you to have nothing to do with an abuser who takes every legal step possible to protect herself from him does nothing to encourage him to contact her and is very open about not having him back and has no history of breaking up getting back x however many to have anything other than a quick check.
Woman's aid can be a great support even if you just want to ramble to them and another vote for telling your mother to fuck the fuck off.
What a marvellous woman you are! Well fucking done op!
<applauds> I'm pretty certain you will have a long and happy life now. Good luck.
No don't drop the charges. Why should you? Only because he is known to you and it happened in your house? Would you drop them if you were a stranger? No!
Your safety and security and that of your child is in your hands. A person who behaves like this deserves a charge and no second chances!!
Don't drop the charges.
If the situation was:
A neighbour banged on your door very aggressively at 3am. You told them off. They kicked you in the chest and abused you.
Would that relative advise you to drop the charges? Thought not!
Stick to your guns. It is probably the wake up call your husband needs. It may sound bonkers now, but it might do him some good/improve relations between you.
Just wanted to add another voice to the 'you are fucking awesome' camp. You are so far from BU it is unreal. I am really so very sorry you have been put in this position, but I am so impressed by your resolve to do the right thing by yourself and your little girl.
Oh, wow! I've just read this amazing thread and have joined your fanclub, Gin! I'm really sorry your prince turned out to be a toad. But DD was the outcome (and the sore chest) so not a complete waste of time. It's bloody brilliant that you're already feeling the benefits of life free from confidence-knocking and wife-kicking, and you're clearly well supported. I feel sure you're heading for a glorious future!
YY to what everyone said about calling on support (not from your mother or ex-friends who wanted your ribs broken) if you wibble a bit later on.
I'm actually both applauding and crying!! You are incredible, OP!! Absolutely all the best in leaving this bastard and getting on with a better life for you and your DD.
"They are seeing a potential future that does not exist. The opposite of divorce is not happy ever after; it's spending the rest of my life in fear and misery, and inflicting this on DD"
this Gin you have such insight and clarity, during an awful situation where most other people would be in pieces and not capable of coherent thought.
I cried reading this, your posts show what an amazing, strong woman you are. Your DD is lucky to have such a fantastic role model. Stay strong and best of luck
Don't drop the charges, that's giving him permission to do it again.
Violent crime is still that when it's a relative.
If you have ANY doubt about this and think about dropping it, think 'what if it had been dd?'
As for relatives telling you he'll have a criminal record, he's your husband etc, ask them to name another man, or woman, who they feel has the right to violently assault you and why they feel that someone has that right. STBX is the one man on this planet whose responsibility it is make his DD feel safe and secure as she grows up. Violently attacking her mother will make her feel fear. You could also ask them why they feel that is justifiable.
Well done for reporting him and standing your ground, by doing that you have improved your DDs future immensely.
You're amazing Gin, I'm so impressed by your strength and clear sightedness. Your dd is lucky to have you.
Isn't up to the CPS to prosecute. Even if you wanted to drop the charges you can't. An assault occured and it is the duty of the CPS to finish the charge against your partner. So stop worrying about other ill informed people's opinions as it is out of your hands
A grown man drinking to the point he sometimes can't care for his daughter the next day and kicks his wife in the stomach. Bigger problems here than this incident alone.
You must press charges.
The most important family member for you to consider, which you are rightly doing, is your DD. and you are sending her the right message. Zero tolerance to bullying and violence.
You're a brilliant, strong, wise woman.
Bloody well done.
PomPom waving here for you.
Can I just add something to my previous post for your 'wobble drawer'?
My Uncle came from a family where his mum was beaten. He beat my aunt. Their daughter (who saw this as normal) has had a child with a man who beats her. She has a daughter now for whom DV is 'normal'.
The cycle has to be broken somewhere, don't let it start
Well done OP, agree with every poster above that you have done the right thing. It's so ingrained in us to just accept this kind of shit for the sake of everyone else and never mind how we feel.
So glad you are not financially dependant on him either, so many women feel stuck because of that reason alone.
Well done Ginshizz, another MNer joining your fan club.
You are a wonderfully strong woman. Well done for protecting yourself, your daughter and maybe other women.
It's out of your hands now, so no amount of emotional blackmail from close relatives will do him a lick of good.
The CPS can prosecute him with or without your consent. Likewise your DD can be removed from your care if the authorities become aware that a violent drunk resides at the same address as a year old baby, and that there is no adult willing to protect her. You ARE that protective adult! (Not trying to scare you, just to explain that the world at large doesn't see his behavior as trivial in the slightest).
A good parent puts their child first & that's 100% what you are doing, your hubby is solely responsible for his own choices in this area. As adults we can ONLY take full responsibility for our OWN actions.
Your hubby needs to take full ownership of his own role in this mess and accept both any consequences that might arise as a result of his actions. If that means a criminal record so be it.
My suggestion to any man of my acquaintance that found himself in your husbands shoes would be as follows:-
That he might help his own case by signing up for professional help with his alcohol abuse and anger management. That isn't something you can do FOR him, he has to want to do it for himself. He could also take a parenting course at a local children's centre to help him understand the potential impact of his behavior to date on his child and ways to work through that and become the father she deserves.
The last thing I'd be doing is trying to emotionally blackmail his victim - what if next time your are holding the baby?
Stick to your guns hun, and good luck!
I have been in a similar situation, and know how hard it is to take that first step to walk away. Over the next few months you may even look back and be tempted to linger. Keep walking. The further away from this dreadful life you get the more you will see how you did the right thing. And you will be showing DD how she can be the person she wants to be, how she can grow up to be a happy and strong person.
You should be very proud of yourself that you have done right by yourself and your daughter xx
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Late to this thread - but just wanted to say well done for not listening to all the 'family' and 'friends' who were telling you it's not so bad. So what if he didn't break a rib? He could have done and if you had stayed with him another time perhaps he would or worse.
Good luck! I think now your and your DDs lives are going to be much better. You have done the nest thing for both of you.
Adding my cheering to your thread. You are wonderful, well done.
Gin, well done, I can only echo everyone else.
I read your title and wasn't sure what my stance would be, I CAN imagine some circumstances, which would revolve mostly around an otherwise fantastic marriage, where if it were my DH I'd drop charges, and attempt to rebuild. I still can imagine those circumstances.
But they are not yours. I am sorry you've been through this, not just the incident, but the unhappiness, the effort of salvaging something that could go either way, the 'crunch' coming and it being such a negative 'no coming back from' outcome. I applaid your bravery.
Sometimes the answers present themselves very clearly, I'm sure you must have been through months (pre-incident) of wondering if the marriage was worth the effort, wondering what future to choose, sometimes the answers will present themselves and you heed them. You have, I salute you!
It's very sad that he's done this to himself, never feel guilty, he did this himself and you don't have to hate him, just remain confident that you have done the right thing for you and your family. Hopefully you can even forgive him one day, pity him even, but that doesn't mean you have to 'love' him again, for give him another chance. He blew it. It may sound strange, but I forgive my ex and pity him, and if we had children and contact I think I wouldn't hate him, but there would never be any going back.
I sincerely wish you a brighter future, you have my respect.
I'm an other one cheering you on. You are amazing
You are awesome - you have done absolutely the right thing and should never allow others to make you doubt yourself. And your comment about the opposite of divorce is absolutely spot on.
Hi all and thank you once again for your support.
I am sorry I haven't posted so far today - it has been crazy. I was up working at four, went to a music group with DD and, here are the bits that made me proud:
- worked out how to put up a sun tent in the garden so DD and I could play outside this afternoon
- sorted emergency childcare for next week for the days I have to go into the office
- found and arranged a visit to a nursery right by my new client's office so DD will only be 10 mins away when I'm working (if I like the place, obvs)
- realised that STBXH's whining about how hard it was to put out the bins is utter shit. Do you know what I did? I took the full bin bags out to the wheelie bin, and then I put fresh bin bags in the bin. It wasn't that challenging
- got a recommendation about a good divorce lawyer
- made sure DD, DDog and Dcat all had lots of cuddles
- cleaned the kitchen while I was cooking dinner
- finished one of three presentations I am writing
I also had yet another great comment from a mutual friend (he was asking if he could help around the house rather than calling specifically to talk about the case). He said he was surprised that the CPS had gone ahead with the prosecution because "it was only an argument over drinking which is a really silly thing to argue about; and when I punched my ex wife in the shoulder, the police didn't even charge me"
First: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? How many wife beaters do I know without realising it? Seriously I am so sad that it appears this kind of violence is so common. Also, this dude is a Buddhist!
Second: how is he missing the point that it's not the relative importance of what caused arguments that determines who is prosecuted, but how they deal with the argument? So is it ok to knife someone as long as it was over who should empty the dishwasher but not if it was about high brow literature????
I am so surprised by some people's reactions.
I just want to say again how much I appreciate all your posts. I haven't seen anyone today other than the mums in the music group so it's been so reassuring and fabulous to read all your posts, I can't thank you enough xxx
Wow OP, you are amazing. Good on ya!
Tonnes of positive vibes and good luck heading your way.
Erm, you're not going to let that mutual friend help you out, are you?
Apart from that, sounds like you have had a really productive day. Keep moving forward amazinggin! (I have renamed you in my head )
You are amazing. Just. Amazing.
OP you are fucking fantastic!
OP you are utterly amazing. Well done you. And tell 'friend' to go to fuckery.
OP you sound like an amazing woman. I am sorry this has happened to you.
Op, you are awesome. And you have the best name too!
Well done you. And get rid of your other friend as he sounds a right t*t. Wishing you well for the future and a great life with dd.
You sound amazing, well done op.
I assume your 'friend' will not be a friend any longer?!
Well I can answer that only too well, my ex husband of 12 yrs came in as drunk as that , pretty much did the same - the result being a massive assault where u had so much damage I lost my eyesight for three weeks ( punched in head) . My daughter woke up at the time !!! It only takes once and u cd be dead
you are one amazing women.
It time like this you know who your real friends are
And from a male perspective - I hope he gets sent down. They don't like woman beaters inside.
Good on you to stand up to him. I would also say the same in the unusual event of a man being battered by his wife. There is never any reason for violence - especially to the one you supposedly love.
And for those that say drop the charges ignore them.
I hope other people are inspired by your story.
You are amazing OP! I'm so glad you are doing so well, so quickly, at cutting this git out of your life. You are SO doing the right thing, and don't let anyone else tell you different. Anyone who says you should have put up with his violence is not your friend.
OP...you sound great
People like you change attitudes.
It is shit what happened to you but the more of us who refuse to accept such treatment and follow through with charges, not accepting violence will become the 'norm'.
Y A N B U
I'm sorry that you had to go through this to learn what an amazing woman you are, and I hope you are OK.
You are amazing x
gin you are a wonder. You are taking this in too humour too which is phenomenal in itself.
I love the Buddhist punching the wife in the shoulder. I think you can get a real measure of that bloke in just those 2 sentances
Gin, I've just read your update and am bloody dumbstruck by your competence. You did more in ONE day than I manage in six months! (OK, I have me excuses but ... fuck me, you're really something.)
About your buddhist wife-beating "friend". Back in the days when the 'emotional abuse' long-running thread was the NPD long-running thread, we made many startling collective discoveries. One of them was that birds of a feather flock together ... original, huh?! But, really, we never had noticed before that loads of the men we knew were fuckwits of similar hue to our fuckwit exes. When you think about it, makes sense.
So do not fear It's not that three-quarters of men hit their women, it's that three-quarters of the men you know do! Soon as you're outta there and organised, you'll be putting a whole new life together. It'll feature people with significantly healthier values than the old lot.
I'd find yourself a new mum, too, while you're at it.
Sadly though you'll now start to realise how many fuckwits both male and female there are out there.
And how common it is and how many people minimize it, it was pnly a slap, it was only a playful punch, I'd had a drink, she'd had a drink, she made me. . . . . . . .
Just remember that while you might find it more than you realised that its not normal, you're the norma (and very brave)one
Thank you again for all your thoughts and support, I can't say enough how much this is helping me get through all the crappiness.
First: no the "friend" who thought it's essentially fine to hit your wife depending on whether you were arguing about something silly or not will not be helping me!
I just wanted to stop in with a quick update on how we are doing (sorry -it's all about me AGAIN)!
I met our potential emergency cover nanny today who was amazing and I am now very confident that DD will be well looked after over the next few weeks while I am sorting out something
less expensive more permanent. They got on like a house on fire and the nanny really got onto DD's wavelength and they both had a lovely giggle together. Obviously I am still feeling terrible about leaving her but I know that for now she will be with a committed and bubbly, well qualified lady in our own home.
Today's great comment came from my terrible mother. I was telling DF how I am looking at a nursery near to where I'll be working so DD will only be 10 mins or so away from me (which means I could see her for lunch, take her home early if I finish early and obviously I can get there fast if they need me to). I was feeling quite proud of myself for having located such a place and for having set up a visit. TM (terrible mother) overheard and said: "oh that will be too long a day for the little girl, she would be much better off with her father."
WTAF? My lovely, gentle, kindhearted, beautiful, trusting, wonderful DD would be better off with a violent drunk than in a stimulating, fun, well staffed nursery ten minutes away from me?
Oh, and she was also banging on in the background about dropping charges AGAIN.
It struck me as she was saying this that of all the people who have been kind enough to share their experiences of domestic violence with me, nobody has said "and I decided to give it another go with my husband / partner, and I'm so glad I did because we're now in a really happy, loving and respectful relationship that brings joy to my life on a daily basis and is a great role model for my DC."
And she wonders why I haven't asked them to come up and babysit...
Anyway, I am so sorry to waffle on about me again and then run but I have to go and start work.
Thank you all so much, I am so sorry I can't reply to you all individually, but you have all made a real difference and helped me stay strong,
Doesn't your Mum get it? I can't believe she'd want your DD to spend time unsupervised with her Dad when he's just done what he's done.
You sound like you've got a lot of stuff sorted which is really good.
Well done for today, you really should be proud of yourself, for everything.
Your family sound like a horrible complication to an already terrible situation.
You're doing the right thing for your daughter. Thinking of you.xx
Great, positive, strong steps you're taking Gin
You're doing the right things, your mother isn't worth listening to- as you've figured out. Well done
So pleased you got a CM sorted Gin. Sorry about your mother though, she sounds a bit of an arse.
Oh, and she was also banging on in the background about dropping charges AGAIN
tell her to update her legal knowledge then, it is not up to you anymore.
Gin, you're fantastic!
Please please don't go back to him or leave your beautiful DD with him. My parents both had cousins who after a long history of DV were murdered by their husbands.
That might be something for your mother to consider.
well done Gin you are fantastic
it is surprising how much you can get done when you know you have to and you know
good luck and keep us updated and hopefully you shall move on from those that do not support you, your mother well some of us have crap parents its sad (my mum is similar told me that my ex was really harmed too this was after I had been concussed) i just do not look to her for support or advice
Well done for staying strong.
Y A N B U
I really hope my sister takes a leaf out of your book.
I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?
People hate change, they are also lazy and hate having to refile you, as you no longer fit in the box they put you in,
Lazy people don't bother to think, so when faced with a time consuming stressful ongoing situation, their first thought is what would make this all go away and I can get back to my nice beige life?
The first thing solution they reach, is Ginshizz should just drop it, then we can all get back to normal,
They are unwilling to put the effort into any type of empathy for you as that would make the inconvenient reasons that it is not possible for you to just drop the charges very apparent.
Your Husband is a very lucky man, He is lucky he didn't wake up and discover he had killed his wife,
He is lucky you are ending it as if he did kill you (in a drunken rage), his child, your child would have one dead parent and one in prison, he's lucky one person in the relationship is a grown up, and can make judgement calls.
If you have any doubts, imagine your DD phoning you and saying "Mum my husband just drop kicked me, what shall I do?"
You are setting an example to her, never let anyone treat you badly in anyway.
Good luck, I hope he grows up and stays away.
You deserve someone who adores you, he doesn't.
Oh and he is lucky he didn't wake up naked afloat in a boat, without oars.
You are allowed to "waffle on" about yourself on your own thread, you know
Well done on the fabulous nanny and the nearby nursery. Things really are slotting into place, aren't they? Long may that continue!
My terrible mother - she's not a terrible person, but deeply misguided as a mother - and I have had many long, difficult talks during the course of my therapy. One of the most ground-shifting realisations she's made is that she was wrong to urge my sister to stay with her H, who verbally and physically abused their kids from babyhood to leaving home (which they both have done now.) I'm not convinced sis would have left him, had Mum seen the light earlier - throughout the 20 years, I made sure sis had a key to my place and knew she'd be welcome with DC at any time. But sister was playing out the family script (as did I, only without DC to be abused) and, of course, our mother only knew the one script.
Just told the story by way of confirming that, no matter how much our mothers love us and how well-meaning they are, they can't see outside the emotional 'house' they've lived in all their lives and it's too much to ask as a rule. They cannot bear the implications of admitting they were wrong. (Mine was in bits.)
You have broken the pattern. Thanks to you, her amazing mother, your DD will never have to know what it's like to be trapped in a repeating cycle of violence. This is massive. Well done, you!
Your mother is an abuse apologist. if it were me i would now be having a word with the police and telling them she is trying to tamper with a witness/pervert the cause of justice.
So glad you've got the nanny and nursery sorted. Your daughter will be absolutely fine there. I have used both a nursery and a nanny and have two well adjusted and happy boys.
Your mum comes from a generation where women were expected to just take abuse, most had little power either financially or legally and so put up with a lot of crap and thus normalised it. YOU don't have to put up with it. YOU are a strong independent woman who does not want to be beaten in her own home nor have her daughter grow up in that environment. Good on you for taking action.
Keep strong and don't let people bring you down or make you doubt your own sanity - there are a lot of them out there!
I think you need to tell your Mum straight a few home truths:-
1. Ask her straight is she asking you to choose a violent drunk over an innocent baby? That's how it would be seen in the eyes of the law.
2. The authorities would not approve of you leaving the baby in your husband's unsupervised care at present and a life in foster care is not what YOU consider to be an acceptable future for your only child.
3. That she's talking to the wrong person about dropping the charges, as it's now totally out of your hands. If she's that determined to have the charges dropped she should toodle along to the police station and ask the to explain the law of the land to her in words of one syllable.
4. Tell her that at a time like this she should be busting a gut to support her grandchild's well being and that harassing you for stuff you can't help isn't the way to go about it. The baby's welfare comes top, left and centre in everyone else's eyes except hers and that's very upsetting for you.
5. Tell her you love her (& then be "busy" for a month while she mulls over what you've said).
One day at a time if that's what it takes and remember there are a lot of us here who will do our best to support you if you have a wibble.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMaWsfLYQko The first one minute 22 seconds of this are what I listened to when DS was a babe & single parenthood/others people attitudes were in danger of dragging us down. I'd put it on my headphones as a pep talk if I felt I needed (You don't have to be religious to appreciate the message, not when you are holding a wonderful new life in your arms, my son is my little light).
definitely pusue charging him and keep up the good work - certainly dont listen to your mother.
accept tehy wont get it.
stand firm in your deicsions.
it is crucial you pursue the charges for when you do get onto discussions about contact. you need that police report etc. to ensure supervised access.
I am getting so angry on your behalf at these people.
I wish I could step into your body for an hour, ring them all up and ask them what level of violence they consider to be too much. Kicking you round the kitchen? Pulling you by the hair round the garden? Knocking your teeth out? Since clearly they feel that kicking you in the chest is something a loving wife accepts with gratitude. And furthermore, since a kick to the chest is no big deal, you will be coming round to give them all one and there's no need to thank you, you'll do it for love
I admire your strength. Never for a second doubt yourself.
You seriously need to kick some people out of your life though.
Well done on being so proactive with finding solutions for childcare.
One thing I will caution you about is be very very careful about leaving your dd unsupervised with your mum and any other family members who you know hold the same views,on thing I come across lots and lots ( weirdly especially from clients own mothers) are situations caused by someone who is baby sitting deciding that they know better than you and actively inviting the violent parent round for a visit whilst the child is in there care.
They excuse it by saying stuff like "he's her father" " your being unfair" "your over reacting" "he wouldn't do a thing to harm her" are all ones I've had repeated to me, so be mindful of this, people who excuse abuse a d violence are not trust worthy when it comes to sticking to your wishes.
Thank you again for all your posts - your support and advice is really helping me through this grim time.
sockpixie that is very interesting. My mother keeps saying how I shouldn't pay money for a nanny when she could look after DD but my instincts have pushed me away from that and I think you have just clarified why. I would really expect to come home to find STBXH and M having a nice little chat about what a bitch I am and DD to have been left to her own devices with only the dog looking after her. You are spot on about her thinking she knows best etc etc.
We had a nice day today; I took DD to a play group where she was by far the littlest but lots of the older ones came up and played with her on and off which she liked. I had a hard time not crying while we were there but I managed not to although at one point I did have to make a LOT of noise about how I had hayfever.
DD was also quite happy to play while I sat with her when we got home so i managed to work. I am therefore giving myself the evening off and a larg pizza!
I also made an appt to see a solicitor first thing on Monday morning. I need advice on what my options re things like asking for the exclusion order preventing STBXH from coming into the house to be extended beyond the hearing date. The solicitor said on the phone this is normally easy to do in cases of DV and that the court might impose an exclusion order anyway as part of the sentence.
I still have to think about access. All I know is that I don't want him to see DD alone. In the ideal world, I don't want him anywhere near her but I know that's not practical.
And the house ... I want it but I suspect I will have to accept that we are going to have to sell it and split the profits.
Anyway, I think that I am getting ahead of myself. I should probably concentrate on going away this weekend to stay with DB!
Right. A quick bit of housework and then I might even have a nice bath and an early night.
Thank you all again, you are all so very kind and making a big difference to me. I am sure I wouldn't be so together on day six of being a single working mum without you all
haven't read the whole thread yet but just wanted to say well done and stay strong.
I can't remember all the details but look up the matrimonial homes act
I agree with Sock I was going to post the same thing.
have a wonderful weekend with your DB - you are an amazing woman and a fantastic mother!
You are doing so brilliantly. Have a great weekend with your DD and best wishes for seeing the sol on Monday.
You don't even need to think about his contact at the moment and you certainly don't have to make any moves at all towards him having any.
Wait until his solisiter writes and asks you. He's not allowed to contact you so he can't approach you about it so he has to have a legal representative but until he gets one don't put the idea in his head.
The longer he leaves it the harder he will find it,but that is his doing not yours. I would be quite cautious kicking like he did as a very first assault is generally more snappy and out of control than the average slow less calculated controlled turn from emotion abuse to physical violence.
I would not want to do anything at all to encourage him to take any steps towards contact because that sort of impulse attack is quite indicative of someone who is more likely to be a risk to a child in the short term and whilst under stress. I would wait until I couldn't wait iykwim? That ball is probably best left in his court.
OP you are awesome. That is all
Another fan here, OP. Am at all the
massive twunts DV apologists who think you should put up with it. Your DD is so lucky to have you as a mother.
You are doing a great job. If you refuse to co-operate, you will be summoned to court, if you don't turn up you'll be arrested and taken there. If you refuse to tell the truth you're at risk of serious criminal charges yourself. You didn't invite this, he holds all the responsibility for his actions.
Witness intimidation is also a serious offence. Maybe the police would give your mum a warning?
You need to try and get a harassment order through the criminal court. Whilst you can get one from the county court, it'll cost you more time and probably money given that you're working.
You need to start thinking about contact between dd and her dad. I don't think this incident, serious though it is, would prevent them from having contact. You could wait for him to ask, but is it in DD's best interests to have a very long gap without seeing her dad? I'd do some googling about local contact centre (where supervised contact can take place) and programmes for men who are violent (eg NSPCC's caring dads).
((((((((((((((warm Hugs))))))))))))) <3
And Lots of Back Pats and Well Dones, from me
I am in utter awe of you, OP.
YANBU. You poor thing. Hope you find a way through this.
Hello all and once again a big thank you.
I am naughtily logging on while I am meant to be working ...!
Today, I have found out that
1. My parents told FIL that they felt I have overreacted and they are hoping my DB will talk me out of going ahead with the case (DB is not going to try to talk me out of it; as a barrister, he knows I can't get it dropped and, as someone who doesn't think it is entirely OK to kick me, he thinks STBXH deserves a criminal record because he committed A CRIME)
2. They want to invite STBXH to stay with them. TO STAY WITH THEM.
3. STBXH is going to apply to change his bail conditions so that he can see DD before the hearing
So I just wanted to come on here and say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH before trying to get back to work despite my fury.
I will, needless to say, be trying to block STBXH from seeing DD until I feel I am ready to help support her through seeing him and then having him disappear again.
Right, if anyone sees me on here again before I have finished my work, please tell me off...
Your parents want to pat your husband on the back, and feed him home-cooked food, for kicking you. That sounds like a reward
Thank goodness you and your brother have more sense! AAARGH indeed!
Wow - you had a guy who drop kicked you arrested and you are over-reacting? Of all the toxic like parents on these threads I think they win some kind of award. I think you may need to sort a solicitor really quickly re DD.
Wow, when I left my nasty (becoming violent) XH my parents were virtually skipping with joy. They certainly never invited him round for tea, never mind to stay. What on earth are your parents thinking??
Keep strong op, you're a legend. Thank god your DB is considerably more supportive. We are all behind you, so keep posting as and when you need support/encouragement/hugs
Do you think, for your own sanity, that you should limit contact with your mum for a while?.
It's not a relationship that's going to enhance your life is it?
<sneaks in - shhhh don't tell anyone>
I have just had a thought: in the divorce settlement, maybe I could get DD, the house and the pets and STBXH can have my parents? Fair deal?
Sounds like you need to bin your parents as well as your STBXH.
You DB on the other hand sounds like a gem! Keep him!
You are doing amazingly well. You are such a strong person and because of your actions now, your DD will not put herself in the hands of a violent man. This would have been what you risked by staying with her Dad. She would have seen you being beaten, maybe been beaten herself by him and thought that was normal, so would have accepted violence in her relationships in the future. She will not now!
You're having a laugh now aren't you?
Oh OP, that sounds like a great deal to me!! Go for it!!
gin sounds perfectly fair to me
OP i knew your mum might do something like this. I fucking knew it. As i said upthread mine is very victim blamey too.
When you have time and arent busy take a look at this site. It was set up as a campaign to change the victim blaming culture. It was only launched a few weeks ago and they have had lots of submissions already.
If i was in your situation i would be cutting my mum out of my life and DDs
God your post about your mums plans has made me
And i still think a visit from a police officer to talk to her about witness intimidation would do her the world of good.
Ginshizz, well done you xx
You are one strong lady.
that your DB is a barrister who knows all ins and outs of the law and your bloody mother STILL wont be told.
Gin i am in awe of you for your strength in this situation
Gin, you are fantastic. I am in awe of your strengths your determination to keep your DD safe, and your balanced perspective given all that is going on.
I'm another vote for stopping seeing your parents - they are not helping or contributing at all.
Well done - you are an inspiration!
Well done OP, you are 100% amazing and doing the right thing. Stay strong.
Your parents are totally bizarre though.
Just found your thread, YANBU! So there. I'm sorry to hear your parents are BU, glad you have a brother who's got his head screwed on right.
You can apply for a non-molestation order, or a restraining order, or an injunction. Not sure what's the difference on these three, but you can stress how you are scared of a repeat attack and that you do not want to be in a situation where you may be alone with him. Then a solicitor can advice on contact between daughter and her dad, which may need to be supervised by a third party you trust, or at a contact centre. He can do the running on that.
Well done. Good grief, kicking you in the chest. wtaf? You were bruised and lost your breath, that is bad. Well done for taking action!
Hello and again, huge thanks to everyone for your support.
I am just popping in briefly before I get back to work ...
DB has been amazing and offered to pay for me to get some advice from a super hot (I think he meant professionally rather than, erm, hot) family law solicitor.
I do know that not seeing STBXH for a long period of time isn't great for DD but I also feel very strongly that she is going through a massive period of transition from having only ever been looked after by her parents to needing to get used to her father not being around every day and then nursery and nannies on top of that. Personally, I think it would be better for her to see STBXH when she has settled into some routine and stability so it's not too disruptive for her.
Obviously what I want is for her never to see STBXH husband at all again ever but, I appreciate this is very U; however, I don't see why he should see her and risk upsetting her when he doesn't come home with us (as she would expect) until she is feeling more secure in the rest of her life.
I also think that if he was that committed to being a good father, he shouldn't have come home so smashed that he didn't sober up for six hours when he was meant to be looking after her two and a half hours after he rocked up. Or maybe that's just my outdated view of parenthood. And kicking her mother wasn't going to win him any father of the year awards either.
On the plus side, I have now survived my first week as a single mum. Well done DD for being such an amazing little star and helping to get me through it.
OK, off to more powerpoint ...
Thanks to you all again and I hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend
I am at your parents. WTAF?
Hope you have a great weekend and enjoy the sunshine x
I am more of a lurker then poster and very rarely will state my opinion but op I have to say, you are an inspiration!
You are so strong, brave and basically just amazing!
I wish I had just a small bit of your back bone!
Every women that has ever been Hurt by a male whether it be physically or mentally needs to do exactly as you have done! I am embarressed to honestly admit I don't think I could have done what you have accomplished in just one week! You brave amazing women. You were in an awful position and you have done exactly what you need to do to look after your daughter and yourself.
I'm sure this will be hurting you and I just want to let you know in the dark moments that are ahead of you with all you have to face in the upcoming weeks/months I really want you to remember how fantastically amazing you are. And how proud your little girl is going to be when she's older to understand. What an inspiration.
And this just shows that when the time is right and you meet someone else he is going to be extra special because yourll find someone who is just as amazing as you.
I wish you all the very best op please keep us updated will be checking daily x
My goodness you ate so brave. I hope that other people in your situation will read your story and use it to help themselves.
Your parents are bloody toxic Ginzzz, if anyone aid a finger on my dd I would really have them. It's true you're one brave and inspirational woman, and it is fantastic tat you are not putting up with crap like many other money who are in violent relationships. I hope that if tat ever happened to me [which it as not] I would have the same strength as you
Thank Goodness you are splitting up from him!
Brave, inspiring and strong. X
If you DON'T charge him it is sending a message that it was't quite bad enough behaviour for you to do so and gives him (even unconsciously) a green light. It would be a kindness to both of you (even if he doesn't quite see it that way!) for you to show that he crossed the line - take this seriously. Far better for him to have a record for a one off occurrence than for him to escalate this behaviour and then do it again (and again?) and then you would ironically probably find it even harder to do something about it.
I've been lurking but I have to say you're amazing! So strong in spite of it all, your DD will be proud!
I am so shocked about your parents though, have they always been like this?
Had a bit of a downer this afternoon getting back to an empty house. Still reeling from people's reactions. I can't believe that in this day and age, I, as an ABUSED woman, am being cast as the villain. Or at least an hysteric.
This has made me realise who I want around my DD and who I don't - I really don't want this nasty, toxic, demeaning view of women being bandied about around her so I am crossing a few people off my Christmas card list.
I am also feeling that it is a little unfair that STBXH has rallied all his mates and is out no doubt being told what a wonderful bloke he is and hey, what's the problem with an occasional kick in a marriage? While I am distinctly lacking in RL support other than DB.
Thank the lord for you lot!
And also, he can hang out with his smelly, alcoholic, substance ridden mates; I have the world's sweetest little girl to look after so I think I win! I also have an adoring DDog who has made it quite clear that he thinks DD and I rock.
Will check in later this evening.
Off to make DD tea...
PS throughgrittedteeth my mother has always been a narcissistic b*tch but my father is usually ok... Clearly we have very different views on what sort of behaviour is acceptable.
You are not a villain...or a hysteric. You are doing what is best for you and your child and that is all that matters. I'm sorry you don't have more support around you but keep reading and posting here, and hold on to that DB of yours, he sounds like a gem.
Glad to hear you're doing OK, stay strong, it's so inspiring to follow your story xx
So sorry to hear most of your environment is toxic... Keep believing everything we are telling you on here, and trust your instincts. I am on your behalf!
Think of this as an opportunity to spring clean your life. You can ditch anyone who is not a positive influence and focus your attention on the people who matter.
Don't worry about the thing about changing the bail conditions so that he can see her. The criminal courts have no say in whether someone gets to see their child. The most they would do would be to say "no contact save through third party/solicitors for the purposes of child contact."
He would then have to make an application to the family court/get something agreed through solicitors who would probably say "wait until the criminal case is over."
You're doing incredibly well, OP. Keep pushing on.
Absolutely NO WAY should you be guilt tripped into droppung the charges. What he did was a criminal offence. If he gets a criminal record it is because he committed a criminal offence. Being drunk is no excuse. i wonder how they would feel if it was their daughter. You have done the right thing by yourself and your children and you should feel proud you had the courage to do so x
Your parents are appalling - their own daughter has been physically assaulted and they are inviting the perpetrator to stay , ruling out the possibility of you or their grandchild visiting.
Thank goodness for your brother - he sounds like the only one with any sense out of the lot of them.
Oh and just so you know he won't be telling his friends and family and even your friends and family what he did, they will be getting a sanitised version of events.
Its very very rare for a violent abuser to put up there hands and say yep I did xyz what they do is twist and minimise to those who can't prove otherwise.
A punch becomes a push a kick becomes a shove.
Not once ever in my entire working life have I ever heard a domestic abuser say yes its all true I did xyz even the ones who turn up in court and plead guilty still don't admit exactly what happened to people whose opinions they care about.
On the same sort of note not one of my estranged husbands friends will even nod at me if they walk past me in the street every single one of them believes that he just snatched my phone out of my hand and I fell and I wasn't even hurt.
Clearly not one of them is intelligent enough to work out that a small fall with no injury wouldn't keep you in hospital for over a week and it most certainly wouldn't cause a perfectly innocent person who just snatched a phone to have smashed up knuckles that were still bruised at his first court appearance.
People find it easier not to believe bad things about others they trust because it shows how misplaced that trust was so says something about there own skills.
Am very at your parents who are behaving shamefully. Can you get your brother to have a word with them to show that, far from talking you round, he agrees that you are totally in the right here?
I would also tell them that if they have your STBX to stay, that is the end of any contact they have with you and your DD. Not just while he is there, but for good. You don't want people who sanction violence in your daughter's life. They can make their choice. I think they need to realise the implications of their stupid, messed-up thinking.
You lot are all marvellous, thank you.
I am doing OK this evening although I miss having company. I feel very lonely sitting in my study working AGAIN! Admittedly, it is difficult to feel too lonely with a dog and a cat snuggled up to me but I do miss hearing STBX pottering around and popping to say hello.
I am angry that he will be out with friends and that this whole mess has made me even more isolated than I was before.
On the other hand, I do not miss having to worry about whether he is drunk / hungover / in need of coffee / fags or whether instead of a friendly hello I will get a bollocking for something trivial.
I was thinking about this earlier and I don't actually regret having been with him because DD has his DNA and wouldn't be her if I had been with someone else but I do regret not leaving before when I felt things weren't right. Had I left at the first red flag, I would be in a new house having settled DD into childcare and I would be posting about how I am having to fend off the George Clooney look alikes with stick.
I know I will feel better at the end of this week as Wednesday will be my last day of early mornings and late nights to finish work so I can actually have friends over and / or pamper myself in the evening. I just have to grit my teeth a little longer I think.
sockpixie you are soooooooooo right. I think a lot of STBX's friends are normalising it because either they are abusers themselves or they can't stand the thought of something being seriously wrong so it's easier to make out I am overreacting.
Your point about people admitting some of what they did but not all of it got me thinking about another thing. I took a clinical psychology course a while back where they said "everyone needs to make sense to themselves and the mind will flex any way it needs to in order to make this happen." So in STBX's mind, I am sure he has conjured up a reason why I deserved what happened, why he was justified in getting plastered, why it's the fault of me, the police, the CPS, the courts, the lawyers etc because we are all wrong and he, obviously a nice person, is right.
I am so upset and angry for you though that you had to put up with idiots thinking it is OK to pretend nothing happened. But hey, I'm just the hysterical over-reactor who kicked up a fuss over a small push that was meant to correct my bad behaviour. And my ribs weren't even broken so what would I know?
I keep thinking that I will not let DD grow up in a family where this type of thing is seen as acceptable. That means ditching STBX and, as you have all said, I think the next on my ditch list will be my parents as I don't want any hint of kicking people being OK coming near my girl.
Oh, best go as she's waking up for a bottle...
Thank you enormously again xxxxxx
Gin can you accept that you are the marvellous one here? You are an example to every woman on MN who has put up with abuse. You have shown that it is possible to take a decisive step early on. Your last post suggests that you have been walking on eggshells for some time and that what your STBXH did to you was only the culmination of years of awful stuff, but you drew a line and got up. I wish we had a [trophy] emoticon for you.
Gin you are kicking ass right now but be braced for the wobbles. You are still on the adrenaline right now. Please keep posting and re-reading if you ever doubt yourself.
I am sorry all but one of your family have turned traitor. It sucks when you find out who your friends really are but one the plus side you will have sorted the wheat from the chaff.
You're really a bit fab, aren't you, Gin?! I agree with Zillion: "Think of this as an opportunity to spring clean your life." You've got to clear out the dross to make way for
George Clooney lookalikes the good stuff.
YY to what you've applied here from your psychology course. It might be interesting, also, to revisit the Just World fallacy, which is about that and also explains victim-blaming. Funny, isn't it - there are loads of people who are capable of saying "I was wrong," or "You deserve much better," and then there are loads more who somehow find those concepts impossible to grasp. I know who I'd rather have in my life
All the best for this week! Remember to have treats for yourself as well as DD.
I do regret not leaving before when I felt things weren't right
Not saying that would have been wrong, but it's possible you'd still be wondering whether you'd done the wrong thing and overreacted. Now you can be sure. No point regretting things you can't change.
Gin I'm sorry that your family are being so toxic about what you've been through. You are totally doing the right thing.
My DM went through years of abuse - and she's still with him. What a surprise that I went on to have abusive relationships. It took me a long time to leave my XH, but I have never, ever looked back.
Hang in there ma'am, you are doing awesomely.
I have about two seconds to pop in before I need to get back to work (DD is napping) but guess what I just did? Filed for divorce. Fuck him and his nasty drunk / hungover behaviour.
I know it seems like I have jumped into the divorce quickly but:
a) There is no way this is not going to end in divorce. He has told his friends that he thinks we need "really intensive couples counselling" but really, I can't be arsed.
b) I want to get things underway while the no contact order is still in place
Right, back to the presentation...
Thank you all again soooooooooooo much
Good for you, hurrah for your insight and decisiveness. Quite right no amount of couples counselling can make his behaviour better, idiot.
Okay, so the thread has clearly moved on but YANBU in anyway at all.
Oh, so now he's all for the couples counselling when before he didn't want to be told off by the counsellor? He has clearly realised that he has crossed a line and is trying to back pedal in a big way - possibly with the notion that that will get him off any charges. But you can say that you were all for counselling earlier on but he then wasn't and now it has all gone too far (this in response to any suggestion that you are the unreasonable one for not wanting to do counselling). Onwards and upwards.
You need really intensive couples counselling? More like he needs anger management.
And well done. In cases like this I think you're better off doing it quickly. Kicking you like that isn't like having an argument, or even if they've had a drunken snog. I don't think you can ever get over DV.
I am so impressed by you.
And sad that you're getting so little RL support, still in the long run you'll still be the winner in this situation. And maybe just maybe make one or two of his pratty friends etc think even if just for a second.
As for the couples counselling, hes have a laugh isnt he????
Yes, cut to the chase and get all the crap out of your life. Well done.
<jumps up and down waving pom poms and doing high kicks>
<not a pretty sight btw>
<right next to pointythings attempting to do the same pompom highkick things>
You don't need counselling, not with an abusive man, they gain power to hurt you from it.
Oh and he doesn't have anger mgmt issues. He managed his anger very well indeed thankyouverymuch.
All the rage for victims is manufactured, it's not even real, they have to work themselves up to it, which is why we can feel it in the air.
Thank you for the pom pom kicks! They definitely cheered my up!
Andy hissy you are sooooo right - it is manufactured. It's pent up frustration caused by his inability to deal with life and he would NEVER TAKE IT OUT ON ME IN PUBLIC, just in private. That means he can control it, right?
And Eagle yes, it struck me as deeply sad and ironic that it is only now that he is considering counselling after having refused to go before.
WTF is that? Abusive? Controlling? Desperate? Misguided?
Anyway, no longer my problem.
Oh, and apparently I can keep the house until DD is 18 if I want. I won't because that would feel vindictive and I don't want to be dragged down to his level but I'm certainly in no hurry to move out.
Fuck it, he can always go and live with my parents for a while if he's stuck for somewhere to stay ....!
Right, back to work now but thank you all again for your tremendous support, I honestly don't know where I'd be without you xxxxx
You are incredible. I don't know you but I'm very proud of you!
Blimey OP. I hope I'm even half the woman you are!
Counselling is a no go anyway as counselor worth their salts will not touch couple where abuse has taken place anyway.
As others have said you are an amazing strong women and mother to your DD.
What everyone else has said, Gin. Really, really well done you!
(If I were single, I'd be totally beating a path to your door. Strong, independent women are so damned attractive. But I'm not so much George Clooney, more, er, Jennifer Saunders.)
Thank you all once again for your support.
I have had a really good day today. It was the first day I have left DD for the whole day as I was starting a new regular 2 day a week in central London - we had a surprisingly funny commute in together and she bounced on my lap waving at all the other commuters. No tears or tantrums (from either of us).
I left her with my sister in law (DB's wife; not STBXH's sister) and they had a great time together. DD was fine with only one "mama!" incident because her little teeth were hurting her (she's cutting a molar); Calpol soon had her sorted again.
Being at work was so good for me. The team are lovely - I told a couple of them what had happened (these are people I'm friends with anyway) and they could not have been more supportive. The crazy thing is the EXACT SAME THING had happened to the woman who runs the team when her DS was the age of my DD.
I felt properly human again, like I have more to my life than the utter mess that is my soon to be divorce.
I realise now that the people who are being supportive are those who are intelligent, strong, balanced, sorted individuals; those who are not being supportive are the ones with issues ranging from MH (is it possible Awful Mother still has post natal depression 37 yrs on?) to unhappy marriages themselves.
I won't deny that I am sad. I am. I am sad that our little family has been torn apart; I am sad that DD has been let down so badly by her father; I am lonely in the house all by myself; and I am terrified about everything relying on my self-employed income; and I am sad that all the hopes I had for our future have been taken away.
But I'm damned if I'm going to let that weaken my resolve about this.
Violence is simply wrong and I would be as guilty of excusing it as those who are telling me to drop the charges if I retracted my statement and / or got back together with an unpredictable, violent drunk.
So, back to work for me until later this evening but thank you again for your continued support.
And lookingthroughthefog , I'm a bit of a teary Olivia Coleman at the moment so maybe that could work if you find yourself single at any point?
Gin I am so glad you have found some more RL support - having a colleague who has been there and survived must give you a bit of heart. You certainly seem to have a very clear-eyed view of how things are and who your friends and allies are, and that is so valuable.
You keep posting here, I'll keep waving the pom poms.
Oh, EXCELLENT! So DD's a commuter now I bet she brightened up a few miserable faces!
Great that you had such incredibly appropriate support at work - and that you're already noticing the difference between the 'sorted' people and the screwed-up ones.
OP i am in awe of you Bloody well done
Wow. Just read the thread.
Your mother doesn't sound too different from mine, I recently posted about her excuses for my brother, who is a nasty violent bully.
Some of her corkers include 'well she knows if she winds him up he will snap and hit her'.. 'They should just ignore him'.. (When he threatened me, her pregnant daughter) 'oh well he wouldn't actually hit you' (no I imagined him nearly kicking my baby out of me when I was having my daughter and ran off to a woman's refuge for a laugh) 'everyone should just leave it now,.
Fucking infuriates me, victim blaming and excuses.
You are so strong OP and should be proud, he deserve as everything the law gives him! X
A bloke writes:
You know the scene in Torchwood where Gwen puts earmuffs on baby Annwen before firing a Desert Eagle at a helicopter gunship?
That's you that is.
Gin you are a strong intelligent ad brave lady. I hope those people in abusive relationships read this tread and use you as an example and inspiration to walk away from an abusive relationship. If only everyone in abusive relationships had your strength but they get so wrn down ad it goes round in a cycle f abuse apology abuse apology. Filing for divorce is the first day of a brand new life.let him lve with your parents. I can't believe he still wants a relationship, and thinks this can be salvaged . Does he not see it!
outs herself as a geek
Just read the thread, good for you gin! Your Stbx sounds like someone you are well shot of, your dm should be ashamed of herself and I hope she is one day, what is it about he kicked you the she is not getting? The thought of someone ever treating dd likes that makes me feel sick. As for his mates, well, again, it shows what a bunch of f-wits they are that they can justify him kicking you and still being a sound bloke...
Thank you everyone! Disgrace that made me laugh!
I am naughtily logging in from work so I will be brief - I had a scary presentation today and I was worried about being shite in it because of all the nonsense going on but it went really well. It was so nice to be around people who are intelligent, driven adults who can talk rationally and who respect opinions rather than trying to crush them.
Who'd have thought work would actually be this beneficial?
Anyway, I'd best go and crack on with the other TWO presentations I am writing for tomorrow. No doubt I will sneak on later to say hello.
Thanks again, it's very lonely in the evenings at the moment and it's such an enormous help to read all of your thoughts.
As one of my colleagues said: this is my opportunity to have a spring clean of everything and everyone in my life. (She also said it is an opportunity to develop my predatory cougar side but I think that is a touch precipitous)
Disgrace you nearly made me 'clean' my keyboard...
Arf at 'cougar side'.
I'm glad you have a supportive brother, and I hope you keep up the positive attitude you are doing really well.
I can't help but wonder what your mother's reaction to being kicked as you were would be ... <daydreams scenario>
Thank goodness you have such a supportive brother and workmates!
Oh my good lord. I can NOT believe I made it through to this evening. I have just given two of the biggest presentations of my life and they went really well.
The day started pretty shabbily with met getting up a 5 to work before DD woke up and then DD, rather than waking at 6:30 as normal, woke at 5:15. Arrrrrrrgh!
I managed to work on the train to the meeting though so I just finished my deck as the train drew into the station.
Also, when the nanny turned up, DD put her little arms up to her for a cuddle - amazing! Apparently she had a great time and the nanny texted me loads of photos and updates of lovely DD enjoying soft play, dog walking, rubbing lunch over her face etc.
Such a weight off my mind that DD is calm, secure and happy enough to be fine with the nanny. I was really worried all this shit would have upset her but she is a resilient little bunny rabbit.
Today's great comment came from a mutual friend. He asked how I was doing; I said pretty shit, that I was sad about things falling apart but that I was on top of stuff and getting by while keeping DD happy and loved. He said "well if you're feeling sad, that means you should really think about getting back together with him."
Erm, no!!!!!!!!!!! Am I crazy here? I can be sad, devastated even, that my marriage is not what I thought it was and we will never have the future I had hoped for but still be right to see the divorce through?
Anyway, for my first evening off, I am having an amazing time. I can do exactly what I want when I want and my plan is to have toast in front of Eastenders on iPlayer and then to go to bed at 21:30. LOVELY.
Thank you again everyone, I couldn't have done all of this without you
whereyouleftit that's a great thought! That'll keep me going for a bit!
Hahahah. All those "friends" needing desperately to believe that kicking your wife is no big deal
How very excellent to get pictures of a happy DD through the day! Your nanny sounds like a good find
Toast & Stenders. Good idea, thanks!
Of course you are sad. The man you fell in love with and made a child with has turned out to be an abusive bastard. You are grieving for the life you had, and thought you would go on to have, together. It is a horrible realisation when someone lets you down so horrifically and turns out to be nothing like the person you thought they would be. But that is all a reason to keep doing what you're doing, making a new life for yourself and your lovely daughter. You might not have the life you have imagined or expected, but you will have a happy, fun, loving little family and most of all you will both be safe. I cannot imagine why so many people seem to think it is ever okay for someone to be violent towards their partner, or anyone. Another person to cross off the Christmas list and spring clean from your life, at least they're making it easy for you with their dickhead comments. You are absolutely doing the right thing and you are setting a fantastic example to your daughter, keep it up
Gin, you have to go through that sadness, you have to feel it. You are entitled to it.
It is the saddest thing in the world to lose the illusion of things, to lose hope in someone, to lose a future you wished for.
But that's all it was, illusion, hope and wishes.
NONE of it would have ever come to fruition, because the raw material wasn't there. He's not a good man. Sadly his mates don't seem much cop either.
Now is the time to look at you, to see what you ARE achieving day in, day out. Your DD is thriving, happy and content.
You really CAN do this life thing, you see that don't you?
Well done Gin, you're doing great!
Your 'mutual' friend is clearly no friend of yours.
You are entitled to grieve for the relationship you thought you had, that is healthy and natural. If you can find it in you to feel those things even at this very early stage in your break-up that just shows what a strong and resilient woman you are, how much genuine insight you have at heart level of what has happened to you and how well you are coping. Allow yourself the feelings, because they will help you move on.
Both your DD and your nanny sound like treasures, you have so much going for you.
<more pom poms>
<too tired for high kicks due to stinking sinus pain>
Er, if you're sad, maybe it's because something very sad has happened to you? Not that you should go back for more punishment and prolong the sadness? Blimey, your husband has some dim friends. I'm not going to refer to them as 'mutual friends' because frankly you will be doing yourself a favour by disengaging from the lot of them. I know that itself probably feels hard and that you are losing people, but it's all part of that spring clean. You are doing so well and your DD sounds adorable. Thank goodness she is away from all these idiots.
Of course you're feeling sad Gin, it's only natural in your circumstance. You're sad that the man you loved turned out to be not what you thought, and you're absolutely right to get out of the relationship.
Your male colleague is not representative of most men. Most of us, on hearing your story, would be entirely on your side. Stay strong, you owe it to yourself and your DD.
Ive only read a couple of pages of this but Gin you are amazing and strong. At no point in any relationship, whether it be a romantic one, a family one or a friends one is it acceptable for one person to threaten or assault or intimidate the other person.
Abuse takes many forms. Its easier to ignore mental and sometimes even sexual abuse than what it is physical abuse. I don't know if you have suffered either of the prior leading up to the assault on you but I would hazzard a guess that you have. The physical abuse has actually done you a favour in a weird way and you can now look back and assess your relationship. You only have to do it with yourself. You don't have to drag up a load of personal shit with strangers or your nearest and dearest.
Make yourself a Top 10 list of the things he has done or does which are abusive. Don't just focus on the one (terrible) incident that was the icing on the cake. When you feel weak or sad or are doubting any of the decisions you are making review that list. Then fast forward it to 5 years from now and imagine your little girl as a 5/6 year old sat on the top of the stair observing what is happening below and forming her own opinions and beliefs on what is a healthy adult relationship. You will reach your own conclusions and it will help you stay strong.
After I had my DD nearly 9 years ago my partner at the time chipped away at my confidence to the point I was questioning my own decisions about the most simple of things. Although he never actually 'hit' me, the threat of doing it, the tantrums, and the complete control he tried to exert on me were a form of abuse. Just not as clear cut as him hitting me. I made my list and kicked the fecker to the curb.
It was hard for a year or 2, made more difficult as we still had DD to consider and because of this I still had to 'deal' with his shit. I was frightened of him. I can admit that now.
7 years on if I happen to cross his path whilst he collects my DD from my mums (to save me having to look at his face) I look and I smile to myself that one person, one little man with no balls, no decency, no compassion, no morals could have exerted so much control over me. I almost long for the day that he says something to me (obviously when DD not around) as I will laugh in his face and then probably punch him on the end of his nose. Thats how much he frightens me now.
So the moral of this longwinded story is to stay strong and focused on the end result. It will be difficult. It will get worse before it gets better and as your bruises fade and the giddiness of this new found freedom wear off and the nights start to get lonely don't be tempted to try again. Look at your list, look at your DD and decide what sort of relationships she should be aiming for in life. Then aim for those yourself.
Big (gentle) hugs and stay focused on the end result. xxx
Your friend is an idiot. You are brilliant. Your colleague is wise (think they used the same words as me up thread!).
Hello everyone and again, thank you so much for your support.
Just a super quick update in my day: today was the first day since the kicking that I have been able to focus just on DD without crappy work stuff in the background and we had so much fun. She had her first go on the swings on her own (instead of sitting on my lap) and I managed to brave a toddler group too. Friends came over for dinner and I feel like I am actually human again!
I am so lucky that all that work stuff kept my mind occupied because I now feel that there has been months between what happened and now rather than just two weeks.
Today's stupid comment came via a friend whose aunt has just ended an abusive relationship; one of her friends said "but what about your big house , cars and holidays? I mean, he doesn't hit you very often, are you sure it's worth chucking it all away?"
Oh, and as I approach the end of my second week as a single parent, my big learning is: being a single parent is hard but it's so much easier than being the only responsible adult in a household where there is a baby and a fuckwit.
Anyway, I'd best go to bed as DD may well be up and ready to play in five hours....! But thank you all again, I can not tell you how much your support has helped.
THANK YOU xxxxxxx
Well done! For you!
Ginshizz I think love you!
You are a wonderful, inspiring woman.
And I hope your life forevermore is fuckwit free.
Your baby is very lucky to have you x
being a single parent is hard but it's so much easier than being the only responsible adult in a household where there is a baby and a fuckwit.
^ this is my new favourite quotation of all time
It is the saddest thing in the world to lose the illusion of things, to lose hope in someone, to lose a future you wished for.
But that's all it was, illusion, hope and wishes.
Hissy it's 21 years since ex-DH let me down by leaving me for another woman less than a year into our marriage, and I've been with my current lovely DH for 19 years, but what you wrote brought a tear or two to my eye! Lovely.
Yes you truly are inspirational, this was the icing on the cake and the catalyst you needed to end an unhappy relationship
Not read all the replies (too many pages!) but just wanted to say YADNBU. He should have thought about criminal record before assaulting you so it's tough shizzle on his part.
I hope you are all well and have been enjoying the weekend.
I had a bit of a sad day today as it's Father's Day and obviously little DD could not see her dad and I didn't want to see my parents given their reaction to things. I took DD for a walk to some woods near our house and saw STBX's car there (he is staying not too far away so I don't think he was hanging around to see us or anything like that) - I think we only just missed seeing him. It reminded me that we do have things in common and the fact that we had both gone there to seek solace made me well up a bit.
Obviously there were good things about our marriage otherwise I wouldn't have stuck at it for so long and I am sad that I have to say goodbye to those things. I do know that it is far better to mourn some of the good stuff than to put up with the horrid bad stuff too so I haven't been having any wobbles about that, just feeling the inevitable sadness that will, I am sure, play a significant part of the next few months.
Anyway, DD had a lovely day and I guess tomorrow won't be so bad.
Best run as I have to send off some invoices etc but I just wanted to check in,
"he doesn't hit you very often, are you sure it's worth chucking it all away?"
Really! People actually think like this? Wow. So how often is often enough to give up having these material things in exchange for being a punchbag? Monthly, weekly, daily?
Ginshizz you are amazing. I can see why today was a bit sad but it's over now, DD had a great time and tomorrow is a new day in your new life. You're doing great.
doozermum thank you. And also, your post made me realise that where I went wrong here was not to have insisted on a pre-nup which stipulated exactly how many times I could be hit, how frequently, and the exact nature of the hitting that was allowed before STBX strayed into the realms of being U.
I think this would have made things much clearer all round
I have a worrying feeling that all the "oh FFS he only kicked you once, what are you complaining about?" comments are coming from people's own mental pre-nup outlining what they would accept (or are accepting)
I am still at the idiocy of some people. The other thing I wanted to say, again, is not to feel bad about feeling sad. It's only to be expected and Hissy put it very eloquently.
I think you're right in that it makes people feel defensive about the bad treatment (which may or may not be dv or physical) they accept themselves, so they have to rationalise why you should put up with yours.
Sorry to hear you've been feeling a bit down. You're definitely right that of course you will feel sadness too at the ending of the relationship - in fact, expect your emotions to make no sense at all for the next 6 months or so. Sounds like you are managing to keep a clear head and see the big picture through all of it which is good.
FFS yes he 'only' kicked you once because you were brave enough to make sure he couldn't do it again
Your "friends" and family have to believe it's no big deal and you are making a fuss because otherwise their entire belief systems will be rocked (you mean it's not ok to do X?) And because it's easier to keep you in
your place your box and deal with you there. Well fuck 'em. You're out, you're free and Movin' On Up.
you have really, really good insight into your reactions and the those of others. Your instincts are good. You are quite inspirational.
Hello lovely people and thank you all once again for your thoughts.
I just wanted to give you a quick updat on how we are doing.
I had a great couple of days at work on tues and weds with our amazing nanny looking after DD. little DD was very happy to stay and play with the nanny when I left and I was very confident about her being in good hands.
Work was stressful but really boosted my self esteem which I needed badly! I felt that I returned to DD a happier and better mum and it was only two days so I don't think that was too much for her at all.
So we have our little routine worked out. Wake up, bottle, walk the dog, breakfast and then we go off to some form of toddler activity. Then first lunch, nap, second lunch then play, dinner, dog walk, bath and bed.
It works pretty well even though some things are being neglected - the garden is a forest! Fortunately, the amazing nanny made use of DD's naps to do my housework - awesome!
I was a bit sad today because STBXH tried to get to bail conditions changed to see DD. But his solicitor was so rude to the woman looking after the case that her hackles went right up and then STBXH called her and lost his temper and didn't listen to what she said about not seeing me so she said no. I am sad because I know he loves her and this must be terrible for him. On the other hand, it's his temper AGAIN and not paying attention when something that important was being discussed is clearly shite.
AND he could have avoided all of this by not assaulting me.
It is awful thinking of the man I used to love screwing up his life so much but it is his responsibility, I have to keep reminding myself.
Anyway, I'd best run and get some dinner.
Thank you all again sooooooooo much
You are an inspiration, Gin
Still following your updates and still in awe of your amazing-ness (yup, that is a word )
DD sounds so happy, which has to remind you that you're doing the right thing
But, any more twatty comments? You should start a Top 10!
Ooooh yes, I do have more twatty comments to share, thank you for reminding me:
Mutual friend: "but even though the police have said he can't see DD, you could let him come round for a coffee under the radar, right?"
Awful Mother: "you should obviously let him back into the house, the dog will be missing him"
Mutual friend: "but what about our wedding? You guys are both invited, you can't make us choose between you, maybe you can both come still?"
Good grief people are twats!
The dog will be missing him?! WTF?
I'm liking your first and second lunches, though ... hmmmm I feel a plan coming on ...
Sounds like you're doing great - brava!
I hope you have some sensible RL friends who don't keep suggesting ridiculous things like this!
I have only read the OP & the last page but would just like to say that so called 'friends' & awful mother sound like a bunch of total arses & you are being so brave & strong in the face of a vile situation.
You are amazing. Have some & some & keep strong.
Have been following your posts with interest Ginshizz. You have been so inspiring to read, your strength and determination are an example to anyone who feels trapped in a relationship. You are the proof that life can go on and get better!
OP, i am still amazed on how strong you have been.
when i saw this thread bumped up my heart sank and thought i hope she hasn't gone back. Well done for following this through.
You are fabulous OP but might I suggest that once all this shite with your pigging Ex is over and done with, you might want to look into getting yourself some new friends...
Thank you! I have to say though, I don't feel strong. I feel that I am just getting by. But DD is happy so that means I must be doing something right. I am having to prioritise things every day, like whether I should do the laundry or feed the dog because I can't do both ... But I have worked out that if I prioritise DD, then the pets and then all the way down the list comes housework, things kind of work out....
And as for the friends, yeah, the Christmas card list will be pruned this year.
I have to say that I do have decent friends who are really supportive and not crappy. This has totally made me see who my real friends are though.
Oh, and just to be clear, you guys are alllllllll on the Christmas list!
Well done lovely, ignore the idiots who are minimising what happened to you.
You are amazing,Gin.
Ijust wonder - if your mother lets your STBX stay with her,how long will it be before he assaults/kicks/abuses her? Wonder how she will think then?
You are amazing! You are doing the right thing. He is the idiot lost his temper with the official looking after his case!
I will be your friend!
gin maybe you should sent those people a message saying 'no cards this year, money being donated to a shelter for victims of domestic violence'
I may be feeling a bit evil today.
I do give my Christmas card money to my DV charity of choice.
I email those I love, they all understand!
wowzers! have just read the whole thread and i agree with everyone else... YOU ARE AMAZING GIN
and its truly shocking that others still make excuses for people that abuse others
keep strong... you are so doing the right thing for your dd. she's very lucky to have a fab mum like you
Just read this thread, and also wanted to say hello and well done, mostly for doing the right thing from the start, calling the police, and then for getting on with your life so well. You sound very capable and your dd is obviously thriving. Sounds like you also need to get rid of some 'friends' who don't seem to understand that domestic violence is unforgivable. X
Who'd want as a wedding guest someone who was being prosecuted for violence towards his child, and barred from seeing his kid by the authorities because of it? Talk about a bad omen! Battering my mate makes you no longer my buddy so that comment had me totally confused.
Your ex is just lucky the dog didn't bite him. (Most dogs instinctively protect their owners baby from violence/aggression - dunno why). Your Mum really is scraping the barrel in her attempts to preserve her own fantasy of your illusory future. Hopefully she'll soon be able to shake off her denial and accept that your future may be different to the one she'd envisioned but can still be a contented one. You must be finding it very frustrating to interact with her by now.
It's so horrible that you only find out who your true friends are when SHTF, but it makes you value them all the more once the crisis is over. There's also normally a totally "angel", (who prior to the crisis was just a random acquaintance) waiting in the wings that takes you by surprise with their sheer kindness when you least expect it & in doing so restores you faith in human nature. Life does have a funny way of balancing itself out in time.
This period is tough I know, but as someone who also raised a child as lone parent from a baby, it will pass.
I'm speechless reading this thread.
Well done Ginshizz - sounds like you are well on the way towards sorting your life out.
I just wanted to add my support, your a brave wonderful lady, who deserves so much more than your STBXH.
You are setting a fantastic example for your beautiful DD.
Massive hugs, you CAN do thus, stick to your guns be strong xxx
I am glad things are looking up. God what friends, they are utter twats, you don't need them
Stbxh is certainly showing his true colours, your well shot of him op
I can't believe the idiotic comments you're getting, especially from your mother.
Sounds like you're doing absolutely fine, and it can only get better from now on.
I'm really sorry but I can't help but laugh at your stbxh thinking that, considering he's up on a battery charge he's admitted to, getting angry and shouting at the woman looking after his bail case is going to get her to change her mind. Idiot!
You sound like you're coping fabulously. It's a shame you have to but you're an amazing, strong and brave woman.
Does STBXH just suffer from a lack of respect for women generally? I ask because I wonder whether he would have shouted if it was a man handling the bail conditions etc
Just wanted to add my best wishes to the general tide of positivity, you're doing amazing, don't falter! X
I cannot believe your parents managed to produce such an amazing daughter.
And if you were my mum I would be the proudest child ever. She is only little now but with a role model like you she will be a happy and contented little person and grow to be a well rounded "sorted" adult.
If you ever need a shoulder or ear - you can pm anytime.
Thank you so much everyone, I can not tell tell you how much your support is keeping me strong.
Interesting point about STBXH and his views of women - yes, I think he is pretty set in his views about what women should do / be like. His family is very traditional and he has not been able to move beyond their limited vision of gender roles. While he says he is happy that I earn more than him, I think he has always felt a latent resentment that I do ... Which is a shame because it is not a problem for me at all. I think the physical violence was his last ditch attempt to put me back in my box. This makes me sad because I respect the work that he does and I have always felt lucky that my job means I can look after DD and contribute financially to us as a family.
LJL and everyone else who has mentioned me being a good mum, thank you so much. I am doing my best to be the mum DD deserves, she is a super star and I will do everything I can to make sure she is never in the position I am in now. I know I can never guarantee this wont happen to her but I know for sure that by tolerating even a bit of physical intimidation, I would be making it more likely that she will too.
A good friend of mine came round this evening and we were talking about being a parent (she hasn't been able to have children); she has seen me devastated by various break ups and said she was amazed at how I have been holding things together. She spent a bit of time playing with DD and said she then understood how I could be so collected. Seriously, my DD rocks!
I have never considered myself to be a strong person but it is amazing how much strength I have found in wanting to do the best for her.
Also, I can not believe the timing of the Saatchi / Nigella incident; it made me realise how many people must be dealing with this. I heard someone on the radio who used to be abusive to his girlfriend and he said the problem with the Saatchi incident is that Nigella won't feel free to express herself or complain to Saatchi again unless he sorts things out. I thought this was such a good point - I can't be in a relationship where I don't feel free to say / do what I think is right.
Right, I am off to watch some iplayer and to have a glass of fizz.
Thank you, thank you, and thank you all again for your support, from me and my lovely little DD
PS one of the things that I am finding hardest to deal with is not being able to text STBXH about random things from DD's day so I am going to tell you lot instead: DD and I went to the playground today and she had her first climb of a (very small) climbing frame, she loved it! She stood up on her own for about a minute (longest so far) and was so pleased that she managed to crawl to the top of the (mini) slide, turned around all by herself and went down the (mini) slide on her tummy. She slept for an hour afterwards!
Gin - you have definitely done the right thing. I don't want to hijack your thread with my story, but just want you to know that something very similar happened to me a few years ago. My ex spent years telling me I was useless before becoming violent: he tried to strangle me. I went to the Police and that was the first time I realised I was a victim of domestic violence - ridiculous, considering I'm a healthcare professional - but we are often blind to our own problems. My ex was also a selfish bastard of an alcoholic, but I think the main difference is that all of my family, our friends and even his family knew what he was like and supported me - that made one hell of a difference.
Our divorce was hell and I ended up losing everything (we didn't have children and the judge took his side). But I will never regret leaving him because I no longer have the stress of being worried what reaction I will get when he comes home - will I be yelled at? Will I be hit? I don't think i ever realised how stressful that was until the first evening I spent on my own knowing that he won't be home.
It is a tough life and lonely at times. Sometimes you will remember the person you married and feel sad. I still do after 6 years. But remember this: you are brave and strong and the best possible role model for your little girl. And you are not alone - there are lots of us out there and we know every emotion that you are going through because we have gone through it as well.
And, when you falter, think of this: if you hadn't left, he would have done it again and, as your DD got older, he would have done it to her.
Take care, stay strong, get rid of all the people (including family) who are questioning your decision and all my love xx
Been lurking and admiring the swiftness of your removing yourself and your dd from harms way.
Wrt to your part about missing someone to tell, you could start a memories book for dd. she can ask for things to go in as she gets older too, and photos. Then you can both look back at it with pleasure. Things about first swing on their own, sitting nicely in a cafe, funny things she said and did...
A KICK to the chest?! He could have killed you.
Suggest you sack the 'family' members who think this is acceptable behaviour, too.
Just found this thread. Wow Gin, you are amazing!! You are truly an inspiration to all victims of DV - and in fact all women and mothers. I'm so sorry you've had such little support from your parents. I can't imagine my mum defending my DH if he did this to me.
I've been lurking too. Gin I wanted to add how amazingly strong I think you are.
Hi Gin, how are you and the little shizzlette today?
We had a lovely day today; shizlette had a blast - we went out to two different playgrounds and she was sooooo grown up, trying out her almost walking on a little bridge on a climbing frame. An older boy tried to get past and pushed her over ... she put her hand up for him to help her up and he did so she was very smiley and didn't mind a bit! She is really growing up and I think it won't be long before she is walking on her own rather than holding onto my hands.
A friend of mine came round this afternoon and commented on how happy DD is, immediately after which DD pounced on her, roared like a lion and bit her nose
I also loved the idea of a memory book; I am thinking I might do an online one so I can just upload things as we go.
My interesting news (well, interesting for me!) is that I have a bit of a plan. I won't act on this immediately in case it is an odd rebound thing but ... Before I met STBXH, I was poised to take a job in the states. And I wondered today how much fun it would be for DD to grow up in California. I have always always always wanted to work in San Francisco (well, I say always, I mean ever since I went there) and I figured I could give things a year to 18 months in London and then see what I could secure by way of a job out there.
I wanted STBXH to think about moving out there a while ago as his job is even more transferable than mine but he isn't that keen on living in a different country. Which is fine for him but, frankly, his family are all inbred tossers so I could never understand why he was so tied to the uk.
I know it would be relatively easy for me to get something as long as I am not too picky and I just have visions of DD and I escaping the crappy British weather and my crappy British family and hanging out on the beach watching seals and whales.
I have no clue about the logistics but as I say, I am not planning to do anything immediately so I have a while to see whether it is feasible or not. DB said he would love to have the DPets so I wouldn't feel like i would be abandoning them either.
Anyway, I am going to sign off now as I have decided to treat myself to going to bed while it is still light (it's all rock and roll in the gin household tonight)!
Thank you all again for your thoughts and support. I have to admit I do get lonely but tbh, it's nothing like the loneliness of a crappy marriage.
Right, off to dream of San Fran and the sunshine. Have a lovely Saturday night everyone,
I'm not sure you could take your daughter out of the country without your STBXH's permission. You would need to get his parental rights revoked. This is something you need to take up with your legal representative. I wish you the very best for the future of you both.
Glad you and your dd had a great day.
I think its great for you to have a plan- and be positive about the massive change in your life and the opportunities now available
I really don't know anything about emigrating with dc, or taking a secondment for a couple of years - and not their father, but I know its been done.
you could try the legal boards or a specialist lawyer. It might be worth talking to someone so that legally things are done with that in mind as you separate.
glad to read you're forging on - you're so strong!!
As for the emigration bit you won't be able to do it without his consent (is he likely to concede?) Given his attitude Im thinking he will take you to court over it. Leave to remove cases are getting harder and harder to win. You are going to have to have some very compelling evidence that removing your dd from the country is better for her than keeping her here. Family law week, Reunite, and Marilyn Stowe are good places to start looking for information on the ins and outs. You seem like a very sensible and level headed person but Im going to say it anyway: Apply before you fly! So many parents think its ok to just up and leave and then find themselves subject to harrowing and very costly Hague Convention proceedings....and if ex is nasty enough he voukd have you charged with kidnapping which wouldst look good in a then subsequent Children's Act residency case.
Anyway, hope that didn't sound all pompous and lecturish - I spent a couple of years in similar circumstances. Lawyer who specializes in these types of cases Will be able to tell you more.
Hope you have a wonderful Sunday!
Very excited reading your plans for SF and then deflated when reminded of the legal issues, as you must be.
No where in Britain could compete with Californian sunshine but Brighton has the buzz and lots of gays!
A plan to look forward to is such a good idea though.
Gin - I've lurked since the beginning and I just had to say how very, very proud of you I am...
I was in a similar situation but XH had beaten me down so much emotionally, as well as physically, that it took him cutting DD's hair off "to teach me a lesson", for me to leave... I'll never forgive myself for putting her in danger - you have TOTALLY done the right thing.
Two years on and DD and I are so so happy - and FREE - free to eat what I want, drink what I want, buy what I want, do my hair any way I want - it's absolutely liberating! I wake up every morning so happy that today is not a walking-on-eggshells day... So cheers to you, you fabulous woman, and welcome to the Survivors Club...
How are you doing Gin?
Hoping all still going well
Hello lovely people,
Wow, well I most certainly ABU for not posting sooner! Very very hectic and lots to tell you.
In short: STBX's bail conditions were changed so that he could see DD which was actually OK. Some key points to the interaction between us during the few days he has seen her:
1. He has not apologised.
2. I told him, out of respect for the time we have spent together, that I have filed for divorce; I did not want him finding out through a letter from my solicitor, this seems harsh and is not really how I want to do things. He suggested waiting so we could try couples counselling and talk about a few conditions of us getting back together. I, momentarily, thought this might make sense until I realised the conditions he was talking about were conditions FOR ME. That's right: CONDITIONS FOR ME.
3. I reiterated my conviction that divorce is the best option for us. FFS.
4. He briefly spoke about having realised he had undiagnosed MH issues; again, this made me think maybe he could get the right kind of help and be less of an arse. Oh, but no, because then he changed his mind and thinks it was all a case of bad timing. I'm not exactly sure exactly what he thinks was bad timing - maybe it was bad timing that his kick caught me in the chest, not the head????
5. Seeing him made me realise there is no love left anywhere in me for him.
I feel much calmer in my decision. While I always knew in my head it was the right decision, I now feel it is right too, if that makes sense?
Anyway, I am sorry I have to run but, yes, you've guessed it, I have some work to do!
Thank you all again for your support and I hope you have enjoyed the sunshine today
I've been lurking on your thread gin, just wanted to say your so strong in your decision, and I admire that. Good luck in whatever the future holds x
While I always knew in my head it was the right decision, I now feel it is right too, if that makes sense? Makes perfect sense, know exactly what you mean. You really are the most incredible woman. x
"While I always knew in my head it was the right decision, I now feel it is right too, if that makes sense?"
Perfect sense. It will make the future much easier too, regrets will be fewer and for different things. Good luck Gin.
OMGs, YANBU. Haven't read all 15 pages, but everything from OP screams at me.
He refused counselling.
You've had in place provisions for "if he gets too drunk" - this can't be a surprise to either of you that he might.
This seems to happen a lot (OK, maybe not the actual assault).
I see this was started a few weeks ago, so hop it's moved on, in a positive way...
Sounds like that meeting with him erased any doubt your so called friends have been raising about him. I love the idea that you're the one that needs to change if you're to get back with him. He's hardly catch of the century the way you've described him! One kick is one too many and anyone who says otherwise doesn't appreciate it's the start of a slippery slope and once you've 'let him get away with it' once he'll think it's OK to do it again/justify it to himself. Can't believe there are so many so called friends who are also happy to justify it. Keep us updated as I'm so pleased at how strong you're being.
You are amazing Gin. Your DD will grow up to realise what a wonderful mum she has.
I don't know about the SF bit (I love CA myself, too, and could very happily live there) as I'm sure it wouldn't be simple to take your DD away from your STBX. What a lovely adventure it would be though...
And now I've read the rest. Still YANBU.
But you are BVVVA (Amazing).
Can't believe Twunt has access. Can totally believe he's still the same ol' same ol'.
Totally amazed by point 5 in your most recent post. Proud of you, but still amazed.
"undiagnosed MH problems" - words fail me.
Every idiot comment you've posted has made me want to slap them on your behalf. Metaphorically speaking of course. The one about the wedding!!! But that speaks of Bridezilla issues as much as anything.
I work in Central London as well - if you want to get a coffee or lunch, let me know.
Thank you all, I really mean it when I say you have all made so much of a difference to this horrendous situation.
Will keep you posted on how we are doing
Gin - so you have to change if you want to hold on to him, for your marriage to survive? Quite rightly, you can tell him where to shove it, and that, neatly, makes it your fault the marriage has broken down.
Not because he is a violent abusive wife-beating drunk, oh no. It's because you wouldn't go to couples counselling. And because you wouldn't agree to certain conditions (stand still while he kicks you, maybe? And anyway, couples couselling is not recommended for couples where there is violence or other abuse in the relationship)
It's still therefore your fault and he can tell everyone that.
So he attacked you, but he has conditions in his head for you to meet for you to get back together? Do they include 'must never complain again about me assaulting you'? Words fail me. You are SO right to get out of this, no matter what any of the idiots in your life say about it. Keep your chin up. Life will improve.
How must his brain work to come up with conditions for you to fulfill ! Unbelievable!
He really must be deluded. You have had a lucky escape.
Very sad for you to realise that you have no love left for the man you married, but he's obviously not the man you thought he was when you married him. But that will make the situation less painful for you to deal with.
Lots of luck to you and shizzlette you're fab
Good luck OP. You do realise that this path will get harder? I'm sure it's the right path but you're buoyed by indignation and hurt and anger right now. Keep this thread for the doubtful moments. You're doing the right thing
He still think you might get back together, how deluded is he! No divorce is the best option and the courts can sort access
Snort at the conditions being on you if you want to get back him (more laughter in my head) Glad her continuing to display complete dickish behaviour and that it's pushing you further away; you and DD deserve so much better.
First a kick, then what.
You are 100% right, press charges.
Conditions for you?
Conditions for you????
CONDITIONS FOR YOU?????????
CONDITIONS FOR YOU?????????
What a total and utter wankbadger.
Urgh. There are no words. What an utter arsehole!
Wow, gin I've only just found your thread and read it all (joys of an early waking 2yo!)
You have been calm collected and decisive in all of this. Not only for dd but as an inspiration to other women on here who may relate to your situation. Do not doubt your strength and resolve.
As for your stbxh, "undiagnosed mental health problems" I have MH issues, I have never gotten pissed then kicked someone I am meant to love in the chest then tried to make it out its their fault. Twuntery, the last time I checked was not a MH issue!
Do you have to be there during his access? Can you use a contact centre for supervised access?
And dump your parents, no good or benefit will come of you keeping in touch.
Ahhhhh! I can relax now, you've seen him for what he is, and he's a stranger to you!
That's the best place to keep him.
Keep going, don't drop the charges. Don't give up, see it all through.
Just wanted to add that I remain impressed at your cool headed ness and think you are doing an amazing job of making the best of this awful situation for you and dd. you go girl!
Conditions for YOU???? What conditions?
'Don't piss me off or I'll leather you?'
I've been reading from the start. I hope you're feeling good and looking after yourself. You've been so decisive, what a great example.
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