to be hurt and feel like SHIT ( --fucking-- --pissing-- facebook related)

(122 Posts)
MoodyDidIt Sun 26-May-13 19:57:35

the other day invited my good friend (well thought she was anyway) and her dh and dcs for a bbq this evening

she said she would let me know as she was going out friday and saturday night, so, fair enough

but for one, she hasn't even bothered to let me know

and for 2, she has tagged herself at ANOTHER friends house "having a bbq and a few drinks with good friends"

obviously got a better offer then. ouch. really gutted

really upset

GoingUpInTheWorld Sun 26-May-13 19:59:41

Ouch!

Some friend she is. At least you know where you stand now.

sad

FarBetterNow Sun 26-May-13 20:00:03

Oh that's very mean of her.

Can you put on yours something like 'having a fantastic family day in the garden'?

MrsMelons Sun 26-May-13 20:00:57

this would upset me too - what a horrible person.

I would HAVE to say something, not very mature I know but I just couldn't keep quiet.

RiotsNotDiets Sun 26-May-13 20:00:59

wow. Mean and stupid, sounds like you're better off without the cow.

Smartiepants79 Sun 26-May-13 20:02:12

That's bloody rude, thoughtless and hurtful.
It's awful when you realise that a friendship is more important to you than to your 'friend'. Happened to me when I was a teenager and it broke my heart (at the time!) have never allowed myself to be that bothered again.
If I was brave then I'd add some snarky comments to the Facebook tag.
Sadly I'm not very brave....

leobear Sun 26-May-13 20:03:20

Leave Facebook! It makes people regress to adolescence

SueDoku Sun 26-May-13 20:03:24

Your original post is the perfect comment to add to her page - 'You obviously got a better offer then'...

DoTheBestThingsInLifeHaveFleas Sun 26-May-13 20:03:32

Something similar happened to me, a few times and when I mentioned it, I was told I had imagined it all and should 'grow up' and not be upset about something as silly as facebook!!! So sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but I was just as upset as you are if that brings any crumb of comfort...

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 26-May-13 20:03:48

Ouch. I'd feel really hurt too.

Is she usually this thoughtless?

Maybe the people she's with were the same crowd she was out with the night before and they all made the arrangements then and.....and....

Nope. Still shit. If that had happened she could have explained it to you and maybe invited you along.

Sorry sad People can really surprise you sometimes.

However, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you or value you. Just that she's a thoughtless arse.

Callofthefishwife Sun 26-May-13 20:03:52

Photoshop someone famous you know she likes/is a fan of into a photo of your back garden/family having a BBQ. The post it on FB and say "Having a fab BBQ with fab friends".

Will make her "better offer" seem less of a better offer.

Seriously though - that must hurt. At least you now know she isnt really worth the effort and can look forward to many BBQs this summer without her company.

SoleSource Sun 26-May-13 20:06:50

LTBitch

needaholidaynow Sun 26-May-13 20:09:26

How awful sad

Nagoo Sun 26-May-13 20:12:59

She was unreasonable not to let you know if she was coming or not, (did you remind her?) But I don't think I would be getting this upset about it. People are allowed other 'good friends'. It doesn't mean she isn't still friends with you.

Maybe this barbeque was the plan she already had, and she can hardly invite you to someone else's house can she? She may have entirely forgotten that you invited her.

Pouncer1 Sun 26-May-13 20:14:07

Facebook=evil
Friend=horrid
Ditch both!

MoodyDidIt Sun 26-May-13 20:14:29

i have known her 22 years

we were best friends up til a few years ago when we drifted a bit as our lives went in different directions

but thought we were still really great mates, obvs not in her case

really gutted

flanbase Sun 26-May-13 20:14:43

Ignore this but keep it in mind for next time. She doesn't sound like a good friend

MoodyDidIt Sun 26-May-13 20:16:41

oh yeah i havent got a problem at all if she had different plans, thats fine and completely understandable

but clearly she didnt have these plans when i asked her, otherwise she would have said. and i would not have minded one bit

its the not even RSVP'ing then just writing all over fb what a great time she is having at other mates house sad

its just shitty

i need better mates. i mean, i REALLY do need better mates, havent really got many tbh

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 26-May-13 20:17:19

I would be upset about her going someone els, but I'd get over it.

What's worse is her terrible lack of tact.

leobear Sun 26-May-13 20:18:02

What Nagoo said. And she probably just forgot you invited her. There could be several reasons she went to the other one - people are allowed a range of friends. Worst sin scenario: didn't RSVP. Is it really worth ending a good friendship for that?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 26-May-13 20:18:05

X post

Yes

I don't do FB. wouldn't want to find out people were lying to me

Pouncer1 Sun 26-May-13 20:18:56

I haven't got many either Moody, I can count my friends on one handblush but they are true friends that I trust! I found out who my friends were when DD had several SEN diagnosis! sad

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 26-May-13 20:19:32

It is shitty. Is this the only time she's been this crap?

I'd mention it the next time you see her.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 20:23:00

Yeah, I'd be livid. Not that she is attending some other friends BBQ but because (a) the cheeky fucker didn't have the common fucking courtesy to say she wasn't going to make it and (b) because she tagged herself elsewhere knowing you'd most likely see it.

It's shitting all over the 'friendship' IMHO.

Fuck her off, OP and invite me next time don't let the bastard get you down!

MoodyDidIt Sun 26-May-13 20:30:24

Not that she is attending some other friends BBQ but because (a) the cheeky fucker didn't have the common fucking courtesy to say she wasn't going to make it and (b) because she tagged herself elsewhere knowing you'd most likely see it. It's shitting all over the 'friendship' IMHO

exactly sad

DontmindifIdo Sun 26-May-13 20:45:56

See, on these threads, it's usually the case that someone is behaving in a socially innept way, being rude and hurtful to someone else, and facebook is the medium in which the person who's been shitted on finds out that they've been shitted on. Then you get people along who say "oh, leave facebook, it makes you act like a 12 year old!" or "This is why I'm not on facebook!" as if the problem is the medium in which you've found out that you've been treated badly, not the bad behaviour of someone else.

While it happens sometimes that you get a better offer, very polite people would think their orginal plans should stand, but even if you aren't going to do that, the next best thing would have been for your "friend" to contact you and say "oh god, so sorry, I completely forgot I'd already accepted to go to X's house, hadn't realised it was the same night. So sorry, I'm double booked but accepted their invite first, can we do it some other time?"

What you do'nt do is just not RSVP and then make it public that you've gone else where. It would be just as bad if you had heard via her DCs saying "we went to X's house on Sunday" or X mentioned that your 'friend' had been over, or someone else said they'd seen 'friend' at X's house.... However the fact that the way you've found out about their rudeness is via facebook will be enough for a lot of people on here to somehow think that it's facebook's fault, or your fault for using facebook in the first place, not the fault of someone being rude and making very little effort to hide from you their rudeness to you.

DontmindifIdo Sun 26-May-13 20:48:56

Sorry, that above doesn't really help you - just my personal rant at the anti-facebookers as if it's the problem, not the people using it, who'd be just as much as a problem if facebook didn't exisit.

I wouldn't mention it again, but just make a point of not inviting her to yours again. She is rude and you don't need people like that in your life.

leobear Sun 26-May-13 20:54:33

It's not facebook's fault, but the constant "transmit" mode lots of people seem to now be on, does encourage infantile behaviour. See the posts suggested OP responds on Facebook with bitching comments etc.

To be honest, some posters sound like they demand a lot from their friends, and set themselves up to be let down. People are occasionally a bit fickle. Sometimes they may even want to see other friends, rather than you! There could be all sorts of reasons for that - they may feel the other friend is more in need at that particular time, they may want to talk to them about something specific, or they may just feel like seeing them. It doesn't mean they are no longer worthy of being your friend.

Here's what I would do. Ring your friend the next time you would normally ring her, ask how she is, and then just explain that you saw she was at so-and-so's BBQ, you were a bit disappointed she didn't come to yours, shall we meet up soon etc etc. Just be completely straight forward.

BeepBeepBeep Sun 26-May-13 21:21:58

Yep,I also agree with ItsallisnowaFeegle

Tbh I think I would find this really hard to get past. Maybe I am a bit immature, but it screams total lack of respect for you and your friendship to me sad.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 21:24:45

See what you're saying would be ok if the OP had heard from her 'friend' beforehand that she was seeing another friend.

Even my most socially butterfliey friends friends are able to remember they've had a kind invite to attend a gathering but must let the host know they've actually made other plans.

I don't think the OP needs to respond to the rudeness in kind, I do think her 'friend' sounds like someone to avoid in future though.

Mintyy Sun 26-May-13 21:25:21

Honestly, doing this is arsehole-ish behaviour. You are much better off not being friends with people like this. Be thankful to facebook for giving you the heads up!

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 26-May-13 21:26:47

I can totally understand why you're so upset. That must be very hurtful. Oh dear sad

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 21:27:43

Sorry, my last post was in direct response to leobear.

Glad others get my drift though and I'm not the only one who'd be miffed.

I don't give a shiny shite if that makes me immature. I'd much rather be that than a self serving, fair weather friend.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Sun 26-May-13 21:32:57

The 'maybe she forgot' explanation seems shoddy to me, because I am forgetful at times, but if someone invited me to a barbecue at their house, on the same night I had already been invited to a barbecue at someone else's house, then I would more likely, not less, to remember because the whole idea would already be in my head.

It is simply rude not to let someone know you can't make it, and the Facebook thing (taking on board leobear's points) worsens the hurt for you, not deliberately on her part but it does show how thoughtless she is.

I would leave it alone on FB but next time you see her face to face, I would say 'Oh, I assume that a better offer came up on Sunday. It would have been nice if you'd got back to me to let me know'. If she denies it then you say 'It was on Facebook so it was pretty obvious'. A 22 year friendship is a lot to throw away, but only you know if this is now something you can see as part of an emerging pattern, or if it's genuinely a one-off you might be able to get past.

MoodyDidIt Sun 26-May-13 21:35:33

i shouldnt be too surprised tbh

she was my maid of honour at my first wedding - she is getting married in a few months, i am not even a bridesmaid and i found that out on fb as well

i cant stop crying tonight,` have had a bad few weeks, i miscarried twins a few weeks ago

i have had too much wine and sun today am absolutely steaming

Ashoething Sun 26-May-13 21:41:46

I feel for you op.

I posted on fb asking if anyone fancied a night out after my closest friend let me down at the last minute. Not one of my friends even bothered to replysad

McNewPants2013 Sun 26-May-13 21:42:28

So sorry for your loss.

I would say after 22 year friendship you should be able to ask her about it.

My advice would be to have a glass of water and get an early night.

weirdthing Sun 26-May-13 21:43:18

sad Aw, you poor thing. Sending you a big hug xxxxx

BriansBrain Sun 26-May-13 21:49:31

That is a really shitty thing to do to you.

Has she been supportive durning your MC? Some people just don't know how to support a friend when something like that happens and others have no experience so assume a couple of weeks will make it easier.

Which it doesn't, especially when shitty things happen and make you remember that the world can some times but a fucking wanker to live in sad

flowerpippin Sun 26-May-13 21:51:12

Poor you!

People are terribly thoughtless. I would just give her a very wide berth rather than call her on it. Friendships change. They don't always last forever. Perhaps you need to push her away and find a few new friends who will appreciate you.

Quite a few of us on here would have loved to come to a BBQ at yours today! smile

poorpaws Sun 26-May-13 21:51:17

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

I had a similar thing happen to me last year; A friend was supposed to be coming over to my house as she did every Wednesday and I rang her to check she was coming. She said she was coming but so-and-so had asked her to go to their house so she'd come to me later on in the week. I sat and thought about it and then text her telling her not to bother coming as she might again get a better offer and that where I come from you go with the first offer. I didn't get a reply to the text but I haven't seen her since which I feel really sad about BUT I still think I was right.

I hope you get this sorted OP.

alpinemeadow Sun 26-May-13 21:51:30

Poor moody, so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
It's at times like these you need your friends, so it is doubly upsetting when things like this happen (even if she doesn't know). I actually think it is possible that it may not be a 'better offer' scenario or she wouldn't post it on fb (would she?) - i suspect she may have forgotten your suggestion. some people are much more forgetful than we realise. But it is still very hurtful - i would be upset by this too.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 21:52:06

Moody she sounds pretty toxic.

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. One day at a time. In fact one hour, one minute at a time, if needs be.

Do you have any other close friends in RL that you could lean on right now?

Please feel free to pm me, if you need a shoulder. flowers

I lost a baby, not a million years ago and I know how it can gnaw.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 21:54:34

Ashoe that's shite, too but remember lots of people won't have seen FB tonight for various reasons, including the sunshine. Try text next time maybe? flowers for you too chick

IKnowWhat Sun 26-May-13 22:00:19

What type of friend is she normally?

Maybe the BBQ was a bit last minute, or her DH arranged it? Sometimes BBQs aren't planned, you pop over to a friends and then it just evolves??? IYSWIM

Trying to put a positive slant on this confused

I would say something.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 22:01:45

oh you poor, poor thing, i'm so sorry to hear about your wee twins. please don't cry about your friend, though, she probably screwed up the dates in her head, that's the sort of thing i do all the time. after all, she'd have to be a spectacularly silly cow not to know that you'd see the message on FB... so if you think she's not that, then it's more likely to be a mistake.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 22:05:11

goodness, poorpaws, that was really cutting your nose off to spite your face, surely? you can't have hoped to monopolise the woman's every Wednesday forever?

I swear i never understand MN and friendships, though, i thought the idea was that both parties were into it and having fun. some of you make it sound like a job...

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 22:05:22

IKnow - it's so tempting to find a way to 'put a positive slant' on this and I hope to Godfrey that you're right and I'm a cynical bastard wrong but realistically, even a last minute BBQ or something spontaneous sprung on her by her husband doesn't excuse her lack of very basic manners.

If nothing else, a quick text would at least be something.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 26-May-13 22:11:22

So sorry for your loss Moody.

You do not need people like her in your life.

flowers

formicadinosaur Sun 26-May-13 22:18:41

what about posting 'we were waiting for you! Had the BBQ on and sausages ready to go'

maddening Sun 26-May-13 22:21:36

are you sure that the BBQ is happening today and this isn't the event she was at yesterday?

greencolorpack Sun 26-May-13 22:23:41

Unfriend from Facebook. It is a tiny thing but will make you feel like you got the power back. She will friend you again in six months, no harm, no foul.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 22:42:49

i think that, unfortunately, you are getting an awful lot of terrible advice on here, Moody.

Euphemia Sun 26-May-13 22:45:26

I'm a total recluse these days. No social life at all, because I grew tired of always being let down by so-called friends. sad

Hellohippo Sun 26-May-13 22:49:48

It can't be that good a BBQ if she is on Facebook though

thebody Sun 26-May-13 22:52:23

Hi moody, I have to agree with Aitch.

She did day she was busy fri and sat.

Yes she was thoughtless but its bit the crime of the century to forget. Maybe she thought it wasn't a firm offer.

If you send her a nasty injured message over Facebook you will look a prat and needy.

Stop. Deep breath and see what happens.

scottishmummy Sun 26-May-13 22:52:57

frankly I wouldn't sweat this,nor would I acknowledge it
ignore it.dont speak of it and just don't invite her again
simple really

Aitchy Sun 26-May-13 22:54:35

That's awful. She doesn't sound like very much of a friend. I wouldn't put yourself out for her in future OP

scottishmummy Sun 26-May-13 22:55:46

So sorry about your mc,it's a time you could do with a pal
gather round good reliable folks
and justifiably have a good ole bawl

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 22:57:47

oooooh. Aitchy.... that's a bit weird. hmm. I'm Aitch, have been for a while (although have a longer name at the mo) i wonder if people might get us mixed up?

scottishmummy Sun 26-May-13 22:59:32

sort your names someplace else,it's inappropriate on this thread

Aitchy Sun 26-May-13 23:00:09

Euphemia I am a bit like that too. I got fed up with friends messing me around, letting me down, expecting too much from me and walking all over me.

These days all 'friends' are kept at arm's length and are mainly casual friends. I have a good social life but I have no expectations from any friends and in return don't actually 'give' much to friendships either. Hard to explain but it works for me!

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 23:01:44

What would the 'terrible' advice be, I wonder? Do elaborate.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 23:01:59

lol, scottishmummy. thank GOD you are here to keep everyone right.

scottishmummy Sun 26-May-13 23:03:07

and thank Christ you're here to fret over who's called what
enough already

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 23:06:08

i think advising someone to unfriend a friend of 22 years on FB on the basis of their having screwed up is a massive over-reaction. now, i can totally see why having a friend not put Moody high up on their priority list right now might cause her to have an extreme response, she must be all very, very sensitive and in need of a good level of friendship and support right now, but i can't for the life of me understand why so many people are demanding that she cut off contact without at least finding out what happened.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 23:07:13

oh, okay, SM, it's not at all confusing having an Aitch and an Aitchy, i see that now... <suitably chastised>

scottishmummy Sun 26-May-13 23:08:13

stop owing on about yourself

greencolorpack Sun 26-May-13 23:09:40

Aitchtwoone it depends if you think Facebook equals real life. I don't. I see it as an addition/distraction from real life. And I speak from experience, I was left out of a big old school gang party and saw lots of "isn't it nice when we all get together" posts. I deleted all my old school friends. They still invite me to things, I still go. They have all sent me friend requests again and I have accepted. They didn't ask why I Unfriended. Unfriending to me is not the same thing as literally giving up the friendship. Hope this explains.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 23:09:53

jeez, stop with the hijack, SM. without your interference it would have been one post.

scottishmummy Sun 26-May-13 23:12:28

you're still talkin about yourself
and you're the original itch
oh dear

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 23:12:48

well, not really, green, because i don't understand why you thought that unfriending them gave you more power than (if they actually are your friends) just saying 'is there a reason why i wasn't invited?' to one of them. If you were part of the gang at school, it is strange and hurtful not to invite you...

scottishmummy Sun 26-May-13 23:14:53

reading the op posts it seems the friendship has been strained
it's personal judgement call,I suppose asked on whether op feels its worth it
but I imagine whats needed is good pals and feeling validated

greencolorpack Sun 26-May-13 23:16:43

Who wants to have that discussion? Unfriending is a tiny little token gesture and yet can make you feel powerful for a second or two and then you get over it.

My advice is just advice, the Op is free to ignore it... I wouldn't call the police over this thread... I'm not forcing anyone to do anything..

Aitchy Sun 26-May-13 23:18:24

They may do, Aitch, but I'm sure there are probably lots of poster's nicknames that are similar to one other and could possibly lead to confusion.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 23:22:40

oh sure, but the broad gist of the thread has been LTB, though, which just seems rather extreme under the circs, and a there's a good deal of sympathy coming from people who have experienced similar hurts. Which is nice, but it's possible that these are not the best people to take advice from. If you want to make friends, find out what people with lots of friends do, that sort of thing.
(I realise that this doesn't nec apply to Moody, because one of the things that people with lots of friends do is invite people round, and that didn't work out this time. But there may be a perfectly good explanation, and it's a conversation i'd definitely want to have rather than unfriending or even worse, ditching that person).

adverbial Sun 26-May-13 23:25:07

Hide her on Facebook, I think that is possible, or remove her and perhaps break or reduce contact.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 23:27:27

Thanks for clarifying.

All advice and opinion offered to the OP has been offered, not forced.

I personally think the 'friend' sounds like an ill-mannered fuck, at the very least. And if any of my long time friends treated me in such a manner, then they also probably know I'd think that of them.

I agree that 'returning the favour' by being unnecessarily public about my feelings would be something to avoid; I'd still be livid and would be avoiding inviting her to any future gatherings I planned.

prissyenglisharriviste Sun 26-May-13 23:37:24

If I'd invited someone to a BBQ, and they'd hummed and hawed and said they'd let me know because they were already out two nights in a row, I'd have assumed they weren't coming at all, tbh.

I don't think I would have been expecting them to let me know at all, unless I called them back up and asked if they had made their mind up about the BBQ...

I would have assumed that the 'I'll let you know"' was code for ' shit, I'm already busy, but I don't want to turn you down flat because I know you are having a really shitty time at the mo'. So letting me down gently.

Sorry you re having a crap time, moody, and sorry about your mc. I don't think I'd be too concerned about your friend though - I think she probably assumed you knew she wasn't coming, and probably updated her status unthinkingly after a glass of vino, as she didn't realise you would be upset about her carrying out a prior engagement.

scottishmummy Sun 26-May-13 23:37:39

IMO,don't do owt visible like defriend,too provocative
just bide your time see how it goes
do prioritise your wellbeing after mc

Val007 Mon 27-May-13 00:22:00

I think you need to grow up. Best friends blah-blah. This only exists in school. In real life, when you have a job and a family and time is so scarce, noone owes you an explanation as to how they choose to spend it. Get a life and stop relying on someone else to make your day fun. Maybe then they will choose to spend their time with you. See my point?

ItsallisnowaFeegle Mon 27-May-13 01:09:54

Really Val ?

thank fuck you're not my friend

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 27-May-13 06:39:08

The thread has moved on somewhat, but poorpaws I really think you were massively out of line with your Wednesday friend. I would have been shock if I'd received your text.

That rule stands under normal circumstances, but if you have a weekly get-together, surely there are going to be occasions when one or other of you might have another priority?

DontmindifIdo Mon 27-May-13 07:03:57

OP - I would avoid any nasty comments back or saying anything about it, you don't need to. I would hide her on facebook (or I think there's a "see less about" setting if you click next to her name). You do'nt need to do dramatics, and quite frankly it sounds like you've got enough going on as it is, just step back. I wouldn't offer her any more invites for hte time being.

It's a pity you have been friends for so long, but some people are just rude and there's a point when you have to say enough and avoid letting them have things on their terms. If she values your friendship, she'll notice it's been a while and ask you to do something.

Fairygen Mon 27-May-13 07:29:27

I certainly wouldn't even acknowledge the other BBQ on fb. This could turn into a public row- not very classy. I have to agree with a lot of what prissy has posted. If your plans hadn't been officially arranged, she probably didn't realise you were expecting her.

Either that or she's a total bitch, who got a better offer, and then rubbed your nose in it.

I think a quick call from her ,to say that although you'd talked about maybe doing something, she had other plans, would have been polite.

Sorry you've been having such a rubbish time recently.

alpinemeadow Mon 27-May-13 07:43:38

I think maddening may have a point - could that bbq have been saturday not sunday at all? ( i don't do facebook so don't really know what tagging is - but is it necessarily 'real time'?)

MoodyDidIt Mon 27-May-13 09:03:04

agree it would look needy and possessive if i contacted her about it - i am definitely not going to do that, and i am not going to unfriend or write anything P/A on fb. i just wanted to vent really and here is the best place.

also yeah she knows about the twins i lost so she is aware of how i am feeling right now

and also i absolutely do not have a problem with her going to another bbq - but it would have been nice if she had text me. and fb is "real time" so it would have been last night she was at the other bbq.

she and her friendship means an awful lot to me, we have so much history. it hurts that perhaps i don't mean as much to her.

but anyway, thanks everyone, some good advice and lovely posts, wish you were my RL friends x flowers

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Mon 27-May-13 09:22:24

it is only 'perhaps', though, at the moment, i do hope this is just a strange blip and she'll show herself to be a good pal. once again, so very sorry to hear about your twins, it's absolutely shattering. Take care of yourself.

alpinemeadow Mon 27-May-13 09:38:59

Yes, it is very upsetting when you think a friendship doesn't mean as much to the other person. But as a2012 says, maybe this is just a blip - every friend bungles things occasionally - though this is totally the wrong time for her to do it!
I do think this may be a 'cross purposes' thing though - she didn't realise that she was supposed to get back to you if she was a 'no' or she forgot, or something of that type. But i can see that doesn't help completely - after all, you wanted her to come to your bbq!
Hope you have a restful bank hol monday, and as a2 says,take care of yourself.

Nehru Mon 27-May-13 09:42:33

this is why a best friend is a cack idea

Sallyingforth Mon 27-May-13 09:46:18

Why do people constantly need to post what they are doing every minute of the day? What's the point? Who is interested? It's just so bloody stupid.

BegoniaBampot Mon 27-May-13 09:57:58

I upload old photos to FB. Might have been pics from a previous BBQ or could have been an unplanned last minute thing with a neighbour. If you value the friendship maybe just mention it to her or send her a text saying you thought she would get back to you and give her the chance to explain before you possibly write off a 22 yr friendship.

I have two things to say and neither may be very helpful, but here goes!

I got myself very upset and worked up last month on Facebook when two of my closest friends 'checked in' having cocktails in town. I sat at home thinking 'well thanks for the invite, you bastards!'. Turns out this had been planned months ago, I HAD been invited at the time but had turned it down....point being sometimes things aren't always what they seem.

Secondly, I do have a very similar friend myself, OP, we've been friends for years....she seems to be busy when I ask her if she wants to make plans yet is constantly available to everyone else. I was recently at counselling and the counsellor told me that friendships aren't always forever.....some run their course and maybe this particular friendship had run its course etc.

I do feel for you, it hurts a lot especially when you're feeling so vulnerable.

Maybe focus on some of your other friendships? That's what I'm trying to do at the minute and it seems to be working.

pictish Mon 27-May-13 10:19:10

I had a similar thing happen to me last year; A friend was supposed to be coming over to my house as she did every Wednesday and I rang her to check she was coming. She said she was coming but so-and-so had asked her to go to their house so she'd come to me later on in the week. I sat and thought about it and then text her telling her not to bother coming as she might again get a better offer and that where I come from you go with the first offer. I didn't get a reply to the text but I haven't seen her since which I feel really sad about BUT I still think I was right.

Poorpaws....I once had a pal that wanted to meet up every single Wednesday actually...and would take the huff if I had something else on, and wanted to cancel or reschedule.
Cloying as fuck.

pictish Mon 27-May-13 10:23:50

In the OP's circumstances though...I too would feel hurt.

racmun Mon 27-May-13 10:24:43

I feel for you OP.
I got so fed up with seeking things on Facebook that upset or not having my photo's of my ds commented on by a particular group of so called 'friends' when they were busy commenting on others that I came off the whole bloody thing. Best day ever !!!

You don't need to be having a good day only to have in ruined. It won't change how unthoughtful some people are but at least you don't need to have your face rubbed in it.

Some may say it means you're needy if you get upset by such things but if you do you do you can't change the way you feel.

This worked for me as I don't have distant friends and family to keep in touch with but I'm sure there are other means.....

If not you could 'de friend' but that can be awkward. The particular people I got upset with I am civil to if I bump into them but no more than that , De friending could have made things tricky.

I had a very similar experience with a long standing friend (30 years+) after we had been to stay with her. Along with Facebook comments there were snide remarks every so often when we were there.
I realised she cared very little about me and my family.
It really hurt at the time and our friendship has now fizzled out. I felt really sad about it but I do not have to see her. I put a lot of effort into our friendship and decided to step right back after the comments and behaviour I'd witnessed. Looking back over the years, I can see that I put in about 80% of the effort with 20% coming from her.
I know how you feel op and I'm really sorry about your twins.
flowers

samuelwhiskers Mon 27-May-13 10:50:49

OP - tbh I think this happens quite a lot with friendships. You sound a very considerate friend and she is mad to be treating you this way, but it is her loss. I agree that friendships can run their course too, as we age we have other priorities. I had an appalling holiday with an old best school friend who was making catty remarks behind my back, she never knew I heard them but after 8 years we are still in touch but have never seen each other.

I don't think you should unfriend her or do anything tbh. Just don't contact her for a while or let her make the first move. I think FB can be a nightmare at times, you never get the full story. It is odd that she made an update in the middle of her bbq, why would she do that, she is supposed to be busy enjoying herself.

samuelwhiskers Mon 27-May-13 10:51:42

and I am really sorry about your twins too.

crazeelaydee Mon 27-May-13 11:07:55

ahh the wonderful world of facebook!, you would not believe the amount of times I have sat back and listened to upset family/friends and FB is nearly always the cause.

I am on there purely to keep in touch with friends who live far off. I too have sat and read conversations between 2 friends and later found out they were both sat in the same room! which makes me LOL TBH! IMO it can't of been a very good BBQ if she had to get on facebook while there, I certainly know if I am busy enjoying myself the last thing I would want to do is stop and spend the next 10 minutes staring at my phone. My sister tends to do that and I find it really ignorant...most of the time it's because she is a) trying to prove a point to someone or b) to get at someone who has recently upset her. I would go as far as to say I would only do it if I was extremely bored hmm.

Just let it go, as up setting as it may be for you, FB really isn't worth getting upset about.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 27-May-13 11:11:48

Shit like this is the reason I deleted my FB profile. Same BS - being strung along by people who I thought were good friends but who were prone to ditching me when a better offer came along. Best decision I made, I'm blissful in my ignorance - I no longer have to see what a fab time people are having with 'other' friends when I've been told something mundane like tooth ache or DC ill, or no sitter etc. when the reality is posted all over their FB page.

Funny thing is, me deleting my FB profile was apparently a snub for others to take personally. <rolls eyes>.

Life is a lot simpler without FB imo. Fair weather friends are best left in the past.

pictish Mon 27-May-13 11:22:14

Err...people got shat on by friends before fb existed?

Weird school of thought that. If you find out that you have been crapped on by any other means, then you are given sympathy. Find out through facebook, and you're not allowed to feel sad because facebook is pathetic.
As though fb is anything to do with any of it....

Deleting ypur fb account and feeling terribly grown up and smug about it does not stop hurtful things from happening.

Poorpaws you dropped a perfectly good friend because she let you know she wouldn't be able to make it and suggested another time? Me and my friends do this all the time. I'd be appalled if one of them took the stance you did. No wonder she hasn't been in contact since. You owe her an apology. You know that anyway right?

MoodyDidIt Mon 27-May-13 11:34:03

Err...people got shat on by friends before fb existed?

exactly pictish, its not Facebooks fault (although i do thinbk it can bring out people's "inner twat" mine included tbh ) its people's shitty behaviour (although obvs without FB i would not have seen about friend going to other bbq)

but having said all that, i have temporarily de activated anyway, lets see how long that lasts.....

Moody, why don't you "hide" anyone that annoys you on FB? I have a friend who is now too busy to see me very much but always posts pics and statuses about various days/nights out she's enjoyed. Now she doesn't see my stuff and I don't see hers. I would make it official and dump her but she's the mum to my niece and nephew and I'd hate for her to make it difficult for me to stay in contact with them (she's the type to do that sadly).

pictish Mon 27-May-13 11:40:44

I agree yourma - I know this thread isn't about poorpaws, but I just couldn't help from commenting on her post.

How self important can you be?

I went through similar with a Wednesday pal and ended up dropping her as I cba with her level of intensity about it. She truly thought that owning every single Wednesday of my life was a reasonable expectation.
I was mostly fine to meet up on a Wed, but if something came up and I dared to deviate, I would get passive aggressive shite, like the text poorpaws sent.

She ended up making me shudder. We are no longer friends, and I don't miss her and her sodding contracted Wednesdays at all.

What the OP is referring to is quite different.

Exactly pictish, I can't believe what I am reading re FB being to blame - if anything it seems Facebook is proving useful for exposing shitty friends and shitty behaviour.

Sorry this happened to you OP, pretty low of your friend. I would give her a wide berth and see if she starts making an effort.

Years ago I used to meet a friend on Monday mornings for a brew and bacon butty. She used to get snippy if I cancelled and suggested another time. One time instead of cancelling I brought a friend along who was staying with me and she gave me the silent treatment but spoke to my friend. My friend (who was staying with me) thought she was one of the people I used to visit voluntarily (with mental issues, learning difficulties etc) and help with filling in forms, shopping on a budget etc. She was shocked when I said she was a colleague who did the same thing.

MoodyDidIt Mon 27-May-13 19:41:22

erm thats quite an amusing tale yourma but are you suggesting i am like your friend who got mardy? confused

DontmindifIdo Mon 27-May-13 19:56:49

God I said earlier, I hate that these threads always involve people thinking it's Facebook's fault, the medium by which you find out that someone is treating you like shit, not the fault of the person treating you like shit.

Or how about - over on relationships you keep hearing about woman finding out their DH has been sending flirty texts another woman. No one ever posts to suggest the solution is to get rid of the mobile phones, no one pretends the problem is the technology, not the behaviour of the people using said technology.

pinkballetflats Mon 27-May-13 20:01:03

Well, either she's stupidly outed herself as being a fair-weather friend, or she's too dumb to understand how FB works....or she forgot? Has she been a bit forgetful lately?

If it's one of the first two I'd say FB has actually done you a HUGE service and you are now free to not waste another minute of your time on this person...it's almost like hiring a private detective on Cheaters but for FREE!!!

No Moody.

Pouncer1 Mon 27-May-13 20:58:33

Sorry moody to hear about your twins. Hope you feeling a bit better today..please don't reactivate your FB account! You really don't need it!

MoodyDidIt Tue 28-May-13 09:15:28

i am actually ITCHING to re activate it hmm

not been on it for 24 hours, that is a BIG DEAL for me <saddo>

Fairygen Tue 28-May-13 09:28:34

If you're on fb quite a bit, aren't people going to wonder/ask where you've been when you do go back on? Or are youplanning to stay off permenantly?

Fairygen Tue 28-May-13 09:33:15

Or, even worse, if you don't post much, people might not even notice! I know this has happened with a couple of my friends who weren't on there much. I've looked them up, thinking they haven't been on for ages, to find out they de-activated their accounts 6 months ago, and I hadn't noticed!

MoodyDidIt Tue 28-May-13 09:38:18

am intending to stay off as long as i can

i post loads on there blush so some people probably will notice. but fuck it, my mates know where i live and have my mobile number so if they don't talk to me just cos i am not around on fb then that shows they are not really very good friends

Sallyingforth Tue 28-May-13 09:46:02

Just use email. It worked fine before FB was invented and still does the jobjob for me.

Sallyingforth Tue 28-May-13 09:46:57

Jobjob smile

Lovecat Tue 28-May-13 09:59:21

So sorry for your loss, OP.

I'd be hurt too by your friend's behaviour. I do sometimes wonder if people forget that people other than those tagged can see their FB feed. Not the same thing at all, but I once had an actor ring in sick to a rehearsal and 30 mins later she was posting pics of herself and mates out on the town... I couldn't help but comment... grin

Wow, pictish I'm hoping that we both had the same friend and it was actually poorpaws, because I'd hate to think there was more than one of them out there - mine sent me a stroppy text after I'd cancelled 'our' Wednesday because DD had chickenpox. How rude of me. She was also the sort who needed instant response to texts or she'd ring to see if you'd got her text and why hadn't you replied yet, so it gave me immense pleasure to ignore the stroppy text and free myself of that sense of obligation and dread... smile

MulberryJane Tue 28-May-13 10:07:44

What a horrible friend! Fair enough if she couldn't invite you to the other get together but if she was bothered then she would have said something. How rude. I'd definitely confront her on this but perhaps do it either in person or text rather than Facebook as that would allow others to join in. As ridiculous as Facebook can be, it can't really be blamed for this. In fact, it's showing you the true colours of your 'friend', ditch the cow - you deserve better.

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