AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

(236 Posts)
JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:32:21

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

QueVes Sun 26-May-13 13:34:02

How old are the children?

SueDnym Sun 26-May-13 13:34:11

Deal breaker.

Don't move in with someone who displays such an attitude towards your children.

WorraLiberty Sun 26-May-13 13:35:59

Why doesn't she want your kids in the house you intend to share?

JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:36:55

I'm not happy giving ages...
Too much detail.

elfycat Sun 26-May-13 13:37:49

Deal breaker here too. How can he think that's acceptable?

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:37:54

If it is as you say, then it is a total deal breaker.

Purple2012 Sun 26-May-13 13:38:17

Deal breaker.

TiredAndTroubled Sun 26-May-13 13:38:25

So you're expected to live with their children but they want nothing do with yours?

sad Yes, that would be a deal breaker for me too. But be glad you found out before you moved in with this person.

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:38:31

Elfy - I think the OP is a bloke, and the OH a woman.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 26-May-13 13:39:33

Deal breaker. Unacceptable.

QueVes Sun 26-May-13 13:39:56

OK, but if your kids are a lot older and borderline independent that would be a different situation. Although what your partner said is still a bit off even in that case.

JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:40:06

"I don't want meet them. I don't want anything to do with them"
"They will never be anything more than somebody else's kids"

HerrenaHarridan Sun 26-May-13 13:40:10

No fucking way.

My grandad did this to my mum and it still screws everything up.

elfycat Sun 26-May-13 13:40:30

Nice gender neutral OP, OP

So far one 'she' and one 'he' that was mine

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 13:40:48

Yes, that's a massive issue and most definitely would be a deal breaker for me.

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 13:41:31

Deal breaker for me. If I split from my OH, then whatever I had as dependents would be a complete part of the package.
Otherwise I'd have to consider them as a lover rather than a partner, or not at all.
Has your partner given a reason why they expect the inequality to be acceptable? I can't think of one.

WestieMamma Sun 26-May-13 13:41:41

OP do you really need to ask?

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:41:49

"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

Fuck this person off permanently, immediately.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 26-May-13 13:42:05

How could you continue to move someone who would ask you to treat your kids like that!?!

Such a cold attitude by OH, callous and spiteful. Run like the fucking wind!

Pozzled Sun 26-May-13 13:42:29

Yes, deal breaker.

If you already have kids when you start a new relationship, you come as a unit.

JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:42:38

I tried to keep it gender neutral for most of the post.
Blokes tend to get flamed.
I haven't hidden anything, but I wanted a neutral reaction first.
Sorry if anyone felt mislead.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 26-May-13 13:42:46

To move = to love obvs

Deal breaker. Better to find out now though. What a shame that you are expected to 'accept' their DCs but they are not willing to do the same for yours.

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 13:43:02

Just, its a huge deal breaker, if your expected to live with OH, then OH should love you enough to make an enough to bond with yours, i would refuse to have it any other way.

Mintyy Sun 26-May-13 13:43:04

Of course its a deal breaker! Why on earth do you have to ask? And what does their ages have to do with it, QueVes?

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 13:43:39

The genders are irrelevant to me. If your children are adult, then it would be acceptable for your partner not to want to be involved, but like a house share, I'd expect my children to be able to visit, stay over and have a relationship with me.

So your OH will still see "your" home as "their" home when you move in, and call the shots.

Deal breaker.

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:43:43

I didn't feel mislead - I understand why you kept it gender neutral.
I saw through it though.

OP in short - she's a fucking hag.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 13:44:16

And actually, they are not "just somebody else's DC, they are the DC of the person she purports to love"!

It's quite a disgusting attitude and I personally don't think anything changes dependant on the ages of your DC. They are your DC, simple as!

Ragwort Sun 26-May-13 13:44:26

Total deal breaker, as Westie says, why do you even need to ask? Just be glad you found out before you commited to living together.

BabbleBitch Sun 26-May-13 13:45:12

Deal breaker. YANBU

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 13:45:15

OP, you have indeed been stabbed in the back.
How long have you been in a relationship with this person, and I hope you don't yet have any children together.

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 13:45:19

Yeah also sensed the genders too, Pictish is right.

TheCutOfYourJib Sun 26-May-13 13:45:25

How long have you been together and how come you haven't met each others children?
Is the OH male or female? Not that it really makes any difference to my answer.
There is no way I could move in with anyone who wouldn't acknowledge my children, can't believe they would think this is ok to ask and can't believe you would still consider moving in with this person.

VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 13:45:56

Deal breaker.

I assume at the moment you see your DC for at least some overnights? And your OH is suggesting you drop that completely when you move in together?

My DC live with me, but if I was moving in with a partner who had DC of their own, I would expect them to continue their current contact arrangements with their own DC, indeed I wouldn't want to live with someone unless both DC had met and were if not friends then at least on reasonable terms. It would be as important to me that both sets of DC got on, as it would be that I got on with his DC and he with mine.

I'd never ask anyone to give up their children, or expect it to be asked of me.

WorraLiberty Sun 26-May-13 13:46:09

I'd tell her to get to fuck

Find someone who actually loves you, because this woman clearly doesn't.

JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:46:12

Yes. I have to ask WestieMama..
I'm in bits. I don't trust my own judgement right now.

Deal breaker, the attitude displayed against your children is a huge red flag.

GoshAnneGorilla Sun 26-May-13 13:47:24

Run, run like the wind, else your children will be posting on Stately Homes on later life.

No,no,no and a thousand times no.

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:47:31

Worra is right. She doesn't love you. She's in it for herself.

TheCutOfYourJib Sun 26-May-13 13:48:43

Sorry slow typing.
She is a selfish cow and I would run like the wind.
Still surprised you need to ask.

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:49:05

Awwww bless you OP - you must feel like you've been slapped in the face with a sledgehammer. You have my sympathy - I'd be devastated too.

As someone else said least she leaked her evil out before you signed on the dotted line.

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 13:49:12

Of course you are in bits, if you felt ready to move in with this person, you must have been feeling happy and positive about your future together.
What on earth do you think made them say this? Did they always intend to lay down these rules, or has something else tipped the balance.
If it's the former, then you have been deceived all along. sad

Badvoc Sun 26-May-13 13:49:22

Deal breaker.

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 13:49:47

It almost sounds like she doesnt want living reminders of you having a life before her, jealously at its very best.

Run like the wind.

jacks365 Sun 26-May-13 13:49:57

Deal breaker for me. What would also be a deal breaker is a dad who didn't bother with his children. There are plenty of people who would welcome you and your children.

elfycat Sun 26-May-13 13:50:37

Gender is irrelevant and I didn't feel misled smile

It's always a deal breaker. Your OH wants you, and that means you now including all of your history that has got you to this point. We are the sum of all of our experiences.

I'd call it a deal breaker over an existing pet (allergies aside), over your child? Sorry but they have to go.

CrowsLanding Sun 26-May-13 13:51:47

Complete deal breaker. I am in a relationship with kids on both sides but no kids together, all of them are treated equally and if my dp suggested what your dp is there would definately be no relationship at all. That really is awful op. is your dp expecting her dc to live with you?

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 13:52:52

Children are a non negotiable part of life.

Chilliandbanana Sun 26-May-13 13:53:29

Deal breaker.
You and your children are a package. If she wants a relationship with you then she has to have a relationship with your DC.
Nothing less will do.

LineRunner Sun 26-May-13 13:54:03

Run, boy, run.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sun 26-May-13 13:54:17

Run like the bloody wind, OP. Gender is irrelevant here. Whether a man or a woman, the OP's OH is a callous piece of shite to have such an attitude towards these children. Thank buggery you found this out before moving in together.

Footface Sun 26-May-13 13:55:21

You and your dc's deserve more respect, where on earth are you expected to see your children? Macdonalds? Park? Completely out if the question.

Be kind to yourself it must have come as a massive blow.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 26-May-13 13:56:06

You've just found out a crucial piece of information about your partner.

She's not a nice person.

It can take years to really know people sometimes. Sometimes an individual's charm and energy and humour can make such a big impression that we find it nearly impossible to accept that they might, actually, deep down, be fucking awful and a bit toxic, too.

You've just found out she has a nasty, selfish streak a mile wide and it's hurting. Understandably.

But you have to act on this information and end the relationship.

She isn't who you thought she was.

(Disclaimer - if your kids have been abusive to her in any way then this is a whole different thread.)

squeakytoy Sun 26-May-13 13:56:09

I think the ages of the children are fairly relevant. But even so, to not want to have any sort of relationship with them is odd. I would not continue the relationship.

noblegiraffe Sun 26-May-13 13:58:00

She wants you to keep your kids hidden away from her like some dirty little secret? No, that's not healthy for them, or you. Bin her.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 26-May-13 13:59:14

It doesn't matter if your dc are grown, with dc of their own - they are your children and should always feel welcome in your home.

Your 'partner' might not love them, or feel parental towards them, but should be warm and welcoming and fully on board with the fact that your children are part of the family unit and are just as important as their own child.

I'm sorry this has just been dropped on you, but it truly is better that you found out now, before you move in with her. Your children must always be your first priority and someone who isn't willing to get to know them, for your sake, is someone who doesn't love you and is someone you should protect your children from.

themaltesecat Sun 26-May-13 13:59:41

Far too little info given, as usual.

I wouldn't want, say, two noisy, stropping teenagers, moving into, say, the home of my twin Reception-age daughters.

Ages relevant.

MammaTJ Sun 26-May-13 14:01:12

It's really upseting but a definite deal breaker for me too.

Loa Sun 26-May-13 14:01:16

Deal breaker.

It's not a request anyone should make of another.

I think you have been stabbed in the back - I suppose it only good you've found out now rather than later or found constant obstacles put in your way when you did want to see your DC.

WestieMamma Sun 26-May-13 14:01:20

I wouldn't want, say, two noisy, stropping teenagers, moving into, say, the home of my twin Reception-age daughters.

Then don't set up home with their parent. Simples.

themaltesecat Sun 26-May-13 14:02:13

Also, maybe she's played stepmother to the kids of a weekend dad before, and ended up skivvying for two thankless, suspicious children while the bloke took advantage to go the pub or play golf on those weekends when the kids got in the way of such activities.

Maybe she's just being honest. I couldn't open my home to other people's kids. No way.

WandaDoff Sun 26-May-13 14:02:49

Get rid.

Consider this a lucky escape.

Cosmosim Sun 26-May-13 14:05:05

So your partner has never met your kids? She's decided they don't exist in her idyllic version of your future together. It's like those dad threads where the dad goes off with the new step mum who won't "allow" him to see his kids and the kids feel they can't visit their own dad in his home hmm

RiotsNotDiets Sun 26-May-13 14:05:06

Complete deal breaker. If someone who supposedly loved me said that about DD I'd never want to even look at them again.

maltsesecat sounds like you're projecting somewhat.

themaltesecat Sun 26-May-13 14:06:44

Then don't set up home with their parent. Simples.

Yeah. I would be gutted if I were the mother of the rejected kids and if my ex did enter into such a set-up above, leaving the kids behind. My sainted step-mother made my father choose between her and us; he chose her. But at least it's sort of honest. For me, it was far better to lose a feckless dad than to spend X number of weekends a month with a woman who resented the fact that me and my siblings existed. So- OP has a choice, but I can't see that his girlfriend has done anything wrong here.

I don't know what "simples" means, sorry.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 26-May-13 14:07:41

Well obviously a deal breaker.
Your kids come first, anyone that wouldn't welcome them would be out of the door if I was in that situation.
themaltesecat, teenagers are still kids and they're mostly lovely and still need their parents.
Your post has just made me sad and angry.
Oh and your reception age twins will be teenagers one day.hmm

WestieMamma Sun 26-May-13 14:07:43

Maybe she's just being honest. I couldn't open my home to other people's kids. No way.

Would you set up home with someone who felt the same way about your kids?

themaltesecat Sun 26-May-13 14:08:29

Nah, keep your pop psychology to yourself, StayClassy. Never been a stepmother, never will, and am indeed happily married to the father of my child (bloody weirdo that I am). I just have a bit of admiration for someone who makes it clear from the outset that they aren't going to play house in these circs.

themaltesecat Sun 26-May-13 14:10:11

Westie, no way. My kids would come first. If my husband left or died, I wouldn't get a replacement model in.

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 14:10:20

'I wouldn't want, say, two noisy, stropping teenagers, moving into, say, the home of my twin Reception-age daughters.'

So then you don't move in with someone who has that as a fundamental part of their lives, maltesecat.
You either look for someone else, or you have a different relationship with them that doesn't involve any of the children from either side.
After work shagging, occasional film and theatre trips, that sort of thing. Nothing involving loving the whole person. Like having a lover on the side.

WarmFuzzyFun Sun 26-May-13 14:10:32

You must be heartbroken, what a cruel thing to say. I am so sorry OP.

Gender neutral threads/posts are good, the facts are the facts.

She doesn't love you enough to embrace all of who you are, ie a parent, whether to toddlers or 'noisy, stropping teenagers'. They are your kids, and how bloody dare she angry

Sorry sad

It is going to be a tough time...

Total deal breaker!

LineRunner Sun 26-May-13 14:11:01

My DCs are teenagers and my ExH has had any number of girlfriends who have given them the cold shoulder over the years.

Guess who the DCs are angry with the most?

maltese but she didn't make it clear from the outset , did she?

SacreBlue Sun 26-May-13 14:12:49

I would have thought if there were any 'issues' around the nature/ages/attitudes of the DC or what the division of labour would be that they would have been raised in the many discussions mentioned the the OP

I would never consider moving in with someone who was effectively asking me to dump my DC. Given that you have had lots of discussion and this is only coming up now I would be questioning what else there might be a change of mind over.

Not everyone can be a good step parent I imagine I also imagine they then wouldn't be dating someone with DC to step parent but if you are planning to be a step/blended family then a blank refusal is a deal breaker imo

Loa Sun 26-May-13 14:12:55

I just have a bit of admiration for someone who makes it clear from the outset that they aren't going to play house in these circs.

It sounds from the OP that they haven't been clear enough quickly enough for the OP.

Though this could have been from the OP not actually listening or thinking the situation would change with time.

It would have been more honest to not date someone with children from previous relationships or to stop as soon as they found out rather than forcing a choice.

themaltesecat Sun 26-May-13 14:13:45

Tend to agree with you, ПщидштПкфттн. If I were the OP, I would say ta-ra. The woman in question has been honest and I don't think she should be vilified, though.

Still, as she is a Mumsnetter, I do suspect that there is more to this and he has invaded her space to make some sort of point.

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 14:14:06

Well, until the OP returns, we don't know how long the relationship has been going, or if the partner made it clear from the outset or changed their mind.

themaltesecat Sun 26-May-13 14:14:31

Whoops, what happened there? GoblinGranny, that should say.

tiggytape Sun 26-May-13 14:14:38

I disagree that the ages matter having witnessed the most acrimonious divorce of a friend in this situation and his wife who both had grown up children.
Friend's wife was always cold to his children but ended up banning them from the marital home completely (eg no invite at Christmas) and refused to even have their names spoken. They were his 'past' apparently and the fact they were young adults made it easier to push them away.
She had her own children (also young adults) who were always welcome at the house - one moved in with them to save money for a bit.

The fallout and the upset has rocked 2 entire families. In short –there is no getting over this one, it is a definite deal breaker.

Kewcumber Sun 26-May-13 14:16:02

"Maybe she's just being honest. I couldn't open my home to other people's kids. No way." - anyone is entitled to feel like that but:

a) have the decency to be honest about it upfront when you are dating someone with children. If anyone admitted to me that they could never put up with DS living with them, then I would kiss them goodbye before any attachment was made.

b) This is not other people this is presumably someone she loves enough to want to live with them.

I'm sorry OP - finding out this far down the track that your child is unwelcome to made any kind of home with you but be extremely upsetting. I could never again respect anyone who let it get this far without making that clear.

needaholidaynow Sun 26-May-13 14:16:46

If the partner had no children then at least there would be no double standards, I don't know how you can have one set of children in the family and not the other.

If the partner really doesn't want to be in your children's lives OP (and step parenting can be a lot to take in! But still, if they want to be with you then your children "come as a package"), then she should do his/herself a favour and walk. He/she obviously does not want the children in their life, does not want to eventually be a step parent and does not want to include them in the family. They cannot just erase your children out of your life, so this is a recipe for disaster and it will eventually eat away at your partner. Maybe just do him/her a favour and end it? Saves all the aggro in the coming months and years if not.

I said to my partner the other day, that if we ever split up there is not a chance in gods name I would ever get with another partner with children. It's different with my DP's daughter as she is DSs (half) sister and I have been in her life since she was 4 so there is more of a connection there as DP is father to my children as well as DSD. But step bothers and step sisters for my DSs? No Thanks! I wouldn't even entertain it, and not willing to form a relationship with a man with children for this reason. Makes me depressed just thinking of how it would affect my own children and myself. Yuck. Hence why I wouldn't even touch another man with children with a 100ft barge pole!!

Let your partner concentrate on his/her children and you concentrate on your own. They deserve it.

themaltesecat Sun 26-May-13 14:18:02

Let your partner concentrate on his/her children and you concentrate on your own. They deserve it.


Thumbwitch Sun 26-May-13 14:36:50

Dealbreaker, for sure.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 26-May-13 14:50:23

Deal breaker.

There are a few circumstances where I would not wish to involve myself with the children of someone I was involved with the first is if I perceived the relationship to be casual because I believe it would be unfair to any kids.

And the others are if there is a history of accusations of abuse or violence/ abuse against myself or one of my children. But other than that I cannot think of any others.

If you really don't wish to involve yourself with other people's children then its best to not enter into a serious relationship with a parent.

JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 14:55:20

Sorry.. Been doing a bit of housework.

Yes. It was discussed from the outset.
Even her DC has had input on what the arrangements might be.. Wishful thinking.. One day in the future...

But now the future is close...
It's changed.
Part of me hopes she might just be freaking out - now that its looking to become a reality... That she'll calm down.

And yes she's a mumsnetter... I was open and honest about this, right from the off..
I know of this place, because of her. But I posted here because I literally don't know who to share this with. NOT because she comes on here some evenings.

The rest of my family (and most of my friends) are away for the bank holiday.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
I don't know anyone who could be neutral about this anyway.

I know it's tempting to set me up for a flaming.
But that's really NOT why I posted.
Please don't.

JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 14:57:31

Oh.. And no. No abuse. None. Full stop.

Both of us have had abusive ex's in the past and neither of us would ever put ourselves in that situation again.

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 14:58:20

It's unusual to get such a consensus on AIBU, almost everyone is sympathetic, and feels that you have been deceived and shouldn't go ahead with moving in.
How long have you known her?

Whocansay Sun 26-May-13 14:59:45

I'm not sure why you think you'd get a flaming. She is being totally unreasonable and it is absolutely a deal breaker. Your children have to come first.

I can't imagine what sort of person would think this suggestion would be in any way acceptable, tbh. She sounds like an incredibly self centred individual.

You haven't received a pasteing OP, the vast majority are supportive of you and what you're going to have to deal with.

Are you going to tell her it's over seeing as she sounds determined not to have anything to do with your dc's?

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 15:01:25

Well, either that or she's just a girlfriend within boundaries.
Depends what you both want to do really.

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 15:03:34

If you were being stalkerish and unpleasant, you'd have used her MN name and identified her.

elfycat Sun 26-May-13 15:06:14

No reason why you can't both be MNetters and I'll not be flaming you for coming and asking for some support/ neutral advice.

It does seem that the majority think it's a deal breaker, unless there is a specific issue between your DC and OH which could be resolved or explain some of her reluctance to have them as a part of your joint life.

But you already knew that before you came on here and I hope we have in our way been helpful/ supportive to you.

JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 15:09:51

I want it all... And that includes quality time with my kids too.
It's important to me that Any partner is part of that.

My parents divorced when I was little and when my parents moved on, I disliked both new partners.. As you do - they can never replace your real parents..
But one of my parents had a partner who never engaged with us.. Even when they married, they rarely came out with us, rarely did stuff with us.

I never felt part of this new family and always felt awkward.
(they never had any children and broke up after about 8 years... Just FYI)

I won't do that to my kids... It hurt.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 26-May-13 15:13:00

I'm sorry OP, but this is a dealbreaker. Of course its possible that your OH is freaking out as plans become reality. But I would be seeing massive red flags at the fact that my potential DP really thought that the solution to a problem would be to cut my DC out of our lives.

It shows a complete contempt for you and your DCs and would be indicative of a person who does not consider you an equal in this relationship.sad

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 15:17:08

Why would she think it was reasonable?
Presumably she's not going to keep her children in the attic or in a pen in the garden so that you don't have to engage with them?
Were you upgrading to a better class of home or area or both, and she was designing a future for her and her children based on your total exclusive devotion and financial contribution to the new family?

Blatherskite Sun 26-May-13 15:23:33

Call her bluff. Tell her it goes both ways and you want nothing to do with her kids either. That they can't come to the house and you don't want them in your life. See what she says then.

ouryve Sun 26-May-13 15:28:34

Deal breaker.

oldendaysending Sun 26-May-13 15:33:59

Bloody hell, in what planet would this be reasonable?

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 26-May-13 15:56:59

Oh op I am so sorry. You must feel very lonely. I am afraid for me it would be a deal breaker too. If dds lived with dad, any partner of mine would have to include them in our life together. I'm unsure I could give them up or not include them in my new life any more than I could give up breathing.

For example you could never refer to yourselves as a family could you as a chunk of your family would be missing. How would you define yourselves? Them and us? That I'm sad to say wont work.

No. I'm afraid all children must be priority or this will fail. I don't think age of children is relevant. Yours could be at Uni, they still must be included for some holidays, bbqs, beaches, film watching etc etc. how could it be otherwise?

I'm very sorry op. wish u well

Even if she changes her tune and says it was panic, I would be very wary. I think if you are in a relationship with a decent parent, you know that asking them to not have their kids around is like asking them to chop their arm off. She is supposed to love you and said this. I wouldn't want that for myself or my kids.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 26-May-13 16:27:32

From the info you have given you probably ought to ditch her before any commitments are made.

It sounds like she is being really very unreasonable.

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 16:31:38

Sadly, there was another thread in which a man had to leave his wife due to her horrible treatment of her Dsd, after PFB arrived.

Deal breaker

Wuldric Sun 26-May-13 16:51:40

I don't understand why this thread is being posted. It's an either/or question and for me the answer is very clear (with the facts that have been given)

If you are the sort of person who is happy to leave their children behind, then what's the problem?

If you are not, then what's the problem? You know you have to leave. This situation will not improve.

McKayz Sun 26-May-13 16:52:12

Deal breaker for me.

My XH left his partner as she refused to accept that he had children.

StuntGirl Sun 26-May-13 16:52:35

It was obvious from the OP what the genders were, even so, I'd ditch her. Your children deserve better.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 26-May-13 16:58:46

Deal breaker, absolutely, how upseting for you

Bobyan Sun 26-May-13 17:00:10

Run, run like the wind.
She's clearly warped.

Fast Sun 26-May-13 17:01:16

Absolute deal breaker.

totally agree with everyone else, but there is also another issue in there that this raises.

Your children aside, could you really consider living with someone who tells you who you can and can't have to visit in your own home? Things like that should be decided together not unilaterally. Do you really want to live with someone that tells you what to do as if you are a child?

It would be a deal breaker for me to have just that, let alone the callous disregard for my children.

exoticfruits Sun 26-May-13 17:09:18

Don't even think about it- an absolute deal breaker. GO NOW.

ENormaSnob Sun 26-May-13 17:10:14

Deal breaker no doubt.

She's a cunt.

Gender irrelevant.

exoticfruits Sun 26-May-13 17:13:25

Gender is irrelevant - once you have children you come as a package. If someone can't accept it you stop seeing them- however painful.

DontmindifIdo Sun 26-May-13 17:13:34

Deal breaker - she wants you to play step dad but isn't prepared to do the same.

You really can't live with this woman without giving up your relationship with your DCs (if they aren't welcome in your home, it will but massive strains on your relationships with your DCs, saying "you aren't good enough for my house" isn't a good way to make a child think you care about them). So assuming that's not something you can do, you therefore have 2 options:

1) end your relationship with your DP, she's not the woman for you and she really wants a relationship with a man with no DCs, so you aren't hte man for her, or

2) you do what a lot of other couples have done who aren't able to merge their households, they continue to keep 2 households, both might see the other one's DCs now and then, but never all live under the same roof until the youngest DC has grown up (my bff's DM did this, she only moved in with her DP when my friend - the youngest of the 5 DC the couple had between them - left home, of course they were nearly 50 before this happened). If she really loves you, then accepting her refusal to be step mum to your DCs means you can't move in with her and be step dad to hers.

The two households, separate finances, never getting past the "dating" stage until the youngest of all your DCs has got to 18 might not be attractive to her or you, but then that takes you back to option 1, or deciding that this woman is more important in your life than your DCs.

Only you know which would be best for you, what you want from a relationship, what compromising you are willing to make - but don't move in with her thinking she'll change her mind or not facing what you will be doing to your DCs. Go along with her plan involves giving up being a Dad to your DCs, who means more to you?

DontmindifIdo Sun 26-May-13 17:15:18

(Just to clarify, it was my BFF's mother and her partner where the ones who were nearly 50 when she left home, my friend didn't stay at home that long - she was only 18!)

expatinscotland Sun 26-May-13 17:20:21

She doesn't want you to have any contact with your kids in your own home? Not just a dealbreaker but a DTMFA.

charleyturtle Sun 26-May-13 17:20:49

so unreasonable! i would consider somebodys children a part of the package if i were in a relationship with them. i would consider this a deal breaker, if you are expected to live together as a family then your children, who are your family, should be included without question.

Groovee Sun 26-May-13 17:29:38

Best you found out now than further down the line.

DontmindifIdo Sun 26-May-13 17:33:32

BTW - I would think very carefully about moving in with this person even if once you spell out the two options you have as per my post above if she says that she's changed her mind and your DCs are welcome in a joint home afterall, if she is this apposed to the idea in advance, she might be able to "tolerate" them, but she's not going to be creating a welcoming environment or making them feel like they are part of one big family.

Realistically, now she's explained her position, even if she compromises, it's going to be bad for your DCs, if your home environment isn't welcoming, your DCs won't like staying with you - moving in with her, even if she 'backs down' will be damaging to your relationship with your DCs.

Viviennemary Sun 26-May-13 17:39:42

Whioever it is and whatever sex sounds a ghastly, selfish person. You should run like the wind away from such a person who thinks it is their right to lay the law down about these things rather than have an open discussion. Sounds like big trouble to me.

LeoTheLateBloomer Sun 26-May-13 17:44:25

OP I'm really sorry this is happening, but do please be relieved that at least it has come to light before you've actually moved in together.

Will you tell her about this thread (if she hasn't already seen it?)

foslady Sun 26-May-13 17:49:08

Wow - can't believe the selfishness of your 'd'p, OP, better to have found out now than later. I know someone who just about stated this to her dp......and we were disgusted with her too, and these were grown up kids who'd moved out.....

Portofino Sun 26-May-13 17:49:53

My dad found himself in this situation way back when. (My mother had died some years previously and we were living with maternal GPs). She wanted to move in to his house with her son, but was not prepared for us to be there. He told her to sling her hook.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 26-May-13 17:50:38

Of course, you don't have to move in together for the relationship to continue - if your non-cohabiting relationship works well, but you can't live together because she doesn't want to get to know your DCs, then you can just carry on as you are! My DCs are grown up (just about) and I'm single - they have a step mum with their DF, and I can see (eg) Xmas getting complicated as the years go by... Do your DCs have an opinion about your 'they're-not-involved' relationship?

it cant be anything but a deal breaker.

Your kids are part of you, you come as a package, even if they reside full time with your ex.

When i decided to move in with my DH i knew he had a child, i knew she and he were a complete unit and i have done everything to involve her in our lives, to welcome her into our home as it is also HER home, whenever she wants to be here.

Now i'm a mum myself, if ever i was in a situation where my new partner didnt want to know my kids, there would be no relationship from there forward

Loa Sun 26-May-13 17:57:37

Part of me hopes she might just be freaking out - now that its looking to become a reality... That she'll calm down.

I wondered that - but this is an extreme request and if she was freaking out there are other ways to approach it.

Plus you said she had always had issues with you being a parent so it's part of a pattern. I assume in the past you've thought it would 'get better' with time I think this is more likely her letting you know it isn't going to change.

She might make compromised if it looks like you are leaving - but her underlying attitude is on display here.

PixelAteMyFace Sun 26-May-13 18:59:33

Deal breaker.

From your posts, you sound as though you love your children.

Do you love this woman enough to sacrifice your relationship with them? Seeing them for brief outings is not enough, either for you or for them. They need to feel part of your life, hang out at home with you, feel welcome to visit when they need you. This is not going to happen with your OH.

You will be your children`s parent all your life, you will perhaps not be with OH all your life. But she is going to cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your DCs.

This woman sounds callous, insecure and controlling. Lucky for you that she has revealed her true colours now - run as fast as you can!

Fwiw, my DCs are grown-up and haven`t lived with me for years, but it would still be a complete deal-breaker for me if a potential partner told me they wouldn`t be welcome to visit.

foslady Sun 26-May-13 19:08:51

It's not going to be just the your children in our/my home though, is it? What's going to happen when it's joint finances? Are you going to be made to feel bad if she deems a birthday gift too expensive, or complain if you buy them a 'treat' gift..............?

jollygoose Sun 26-May-13 19:11:57

there is nothing to consider your kids come first always.

helenthemadex Sun 26-May-13 19:19:40

deal breaker no excuses what so ever, the OH (male or female makes no difference) sounds selfish, they want to pretend that you have no past but you do and your children need to always feel they are welcome and have a home with you, whoever you live with

Gruntfuttocks Sun 26-May-13 19:23:41

Deal breaker, no matter the age of the kids. Horrible attitude. Walk away, you deserve better, end of.

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 26-May-13 19:33:50

Didn't you say she's an mner? Hopefully she's read it then. Whatever discussion it starts, you will be right to walk away.

Do it with dignity. Good luck. And sorry once again....

Asheth Sun 26-May-13 19:38:46

Any home you have should be a place your DC can also call home. Any family you have should be people your DC can also call family. It doesn't sound like this partner will help you achieve this. I'm sorry you are going through this, but at least be grateful that you've found out before you moved in. Imagine what it would be like if you were already living together and suddenly she says you have to go elsewhere to see your DC.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 26-May-13 19:43:47

Oh yes.

Deal breaker.

Anyone who expects someone to turn their back on their children is a sack of shit.

anyone who does indeed turn their back on their children is also one.

This person is horrible. How can they - a parent themselves - ask a parent to basically forget about their children.

If you can't deal with the fact that someone has kids, you have no business getting into a relationship with them.

Run like the wind. If you don't, then you're a fool. Not to mention a piss poor parent. Sorry if that is blunt.

Katnisscupcake Sun 26-May-13 19:50:52

Sorry to mention this, but are you completely sure that she wants to go ahead with this move?

It does seem a very strange thing to suddenly mention out of the blue. She must know that you adore your children and that this would (potentially) be a deal breaker. So why risk it unless she's not 100% happy with this massive next step. Maybe she is looking for a way out of the relationship and could make out that it is your decision...

Either that or she's testing you to see how committed you are to your children or to her, either way it is very cruel...

slippingsliding Sun 26-May-13 21:05:30

Personally I am someone who wouldn't want to deal with the complications of being a stepmother (although I have my own dc), so I can understand why your DP doesn't want to either. But I've always made that clear from the start, and I just wouldn't get into a relationship with a man with dc, so I think she also shouldn't have let the relationship continue for so long. I don't see how this can be resolved in any way except for the relationship to end.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 26-May-13 21:11:02

Move on. What an attitude!

Corygal Sun 26-May-13 21:12:09

Bin her. She's telling you the truth.

ArrowofApollo Sun 26-May-13 21:14:46

Be glad she told you before you moved in with her.
End it now, even if she agrees for your kids to stay in your mutual home she will resent them.

Nanny0gg Sun 26-May-13 21:48:35

Part of me hopes she might just be freaking out - now that its looking to become a reality... That she'll calm down.

Not before it's too late. Damage is done, and I would never trust her with my children, however old they are.

You'll never be any sort of 'blended' family; even if her children aren't around she won't welcome yours.

Don't go there.

pigletmania Sun 26-May-13 22:51:03

Op LTB [bitch in this case]. I'm serious you come as a package or not at all! No compromises, I could not have a relationship with somebody who would treat my kid like that. Find a nice lady who lives an respects you all, kids included

Deal breaker.

Walk away. Someone who loved you would t ask this of you. They wouldn't want you to be unhappy and would know this would make you unhappy.

MidniteScribbler Mon 27-May-13 05:02:35

I dumped someone because they didn't like my dogs. Someone who told me that my own child wasn't welcome in my own home would find themselves dumped so fast their head would spin. What a sack of shit.

VixZenFenchell Mon 27-May-13 06:23:52


You and your children are a family. She and her children are a separate family. From what I've gleaned from this forum, blending only works when all children are treated equally.

Unless there is a huge backstory which isn't being made clear, your OH is being horribly selfish and controlling. Run fast and find someone who really loves you and your children. Or stay single! Really would finish your current relationship though.

ThisWayForCrazy Mon 27-May-13 06:42:36

So sorry you are going through this.

I don't feel gender or ages are relevant here.

Nor do I think stroppy selfish teenagers would make me feel different. In fact there are pretty much no scenarios I can think of, other than abuse of the OH, where I would find their reaction acceptable.

I would end this relationship. For me that's more than a deal breaker.

RubyrooUK Mon 27-May-13 06:49:36

This isn't going to work.

I have step parents. They always knew that my brother and I were part of the package.

I am sure they didn't love me at first. Hopefully they are fond of me now and think of me as family. They always treat me that way and their houses are all "our" houses.

And I absolutely know they love my children as grandchildren and treat them as such, which makes me very happy. My stepdad rushed over from another country when DS2 was born a few weeks ago and cried when he held him. THAT is what a stepfamily is when everyone works hard at it. Why would you settle for anything less for your children?

ThisWayForCrazy Mon 27-May-13 06:56:57

Ruby, that is what I hope my step children will feel when they grow up. Right now the two younger ones feel a bit like I'm the strict step mother lol. They get no proper discipline at home, but by God they do here! I can't be too bad though as the eldest is moving in wit us in July!

exoticfruits Mon 27-May-13 07:03:55

I think Ruby says it all- why would you settle for less than the best for your DCs?

LeoTheLateBloomer Mon 27-May-13 07:29:51

OP how are you? Have there been any developments?

Ledkr Mon 27-May-13 07:39:49

First your children, next you won't be allowed to see family or friends.
What's she's said is abnormal and cruel and to me a sign of wanting to control and isolate you.
You should find dumping her deeply satisfying after this op.
Good luck.

DontMeanToBeRudeBut Mon 27-May-13 08:12:40

That is definitely a deal-breaker. So many people put a new partner over their existing children. It's heartbreaking. Please don't be one of them. Even if she was 'panicking' you don't just come out with something like that. That is what she really thinks.

500internalerror Mon 27-May-13 08:17:36

Just a thought - have you had any issues re your oh and your ex? Just wondering if its really the ex that is trying to be cut out of your life, but it is, of course, projected onto the kids? That doesn't explain the sudden change of heart though.

My step mother has always treated me as part of the family. I'm sure she hasn't always felt totally comfortable with that, not right at the beginning, but she never breathed so much as a word of anything that wasn't loving and welcoming. And now, 20 years later, I consider her a parent. If this woman wants to cut you off from your children, she is not a good person. Walk away now. Even it she claims to change her mind, how could you ever trust her again?

ZillionChocolate Mon 27-May-13 08:55:03

Unless your children are adults who are abusive and dangerous who have hurt her children, this is a deal breaker.

JustABitShocked Mon 27-May-13 14:27:24

Ok... I OH come over last night to have a serious chat.

I was pretty much convinced that things couldn't go on, but I've vested a lot of time and love in this woman, and I don't give in easily.. So, the dreaded "we need to talk"... was wheeled out.

After several hours talking round the subject with teary eyes on both sides, she broke down in floods of tears.

No. She didn't mean what she said. She desperately wants to meet and spend time with my DC's... And have them over.

She's more than worried though...
Her daughter is much older and she's terrified that she's forgotten how to be around kids.
Also, she recently went on holiday and felt out of her depth around her friends (younger) children.

In essence..... She's scared to the point of bad judgement that they won't like her.

I know this pressure well, the pressure that the OH's DC must like you... I went through this myself with her DC and it wasn't easy.
....and OH has a LOT on her plate at the moment (I can't get into this, it's horrible... But personal).

So.. She cracked and handled it badly.
Ok. It's a BIG mistake to do what she did, the way she did it.
But, like all of us, she's human. We all fuck up.
She's given me a reasonable explanation and I think its what she does now that's going to be most important.

That's all there is to know.
I'm not going to make excuses for her.
I'm not going to defend her.
I wanted you all to know what had happened..
Because I'd want to know if I was you..

I've told you what happened, and how I feel about it.
Thank you to you all, you've all shown me so much support over the last 24 hours..

Well, I'm glad that you were able to talk through the issue and get to the root of the problem.
Although her DD is grown up, I'm sure that her confidence around younger children will return.

So, wipe the slate clean, and start over as you mean to go on.

Wishing you the best of luck! smile

JustABitShocked Mon 27-May-13 14:31:28

Oh.. And yes.. She apologised. Believably and sincerely.

GoblinGranny Mon 27-May-13 14:31:41

Good luck, keep your priorities clear and I wish you strength and support for the path you've chosen. You've decided to try and make it work, not the easiest decision.
But I've been married to the same bloke for almost 30 years, and that hasn't always been easy either. grin
Don't get steamrollered or manipulated about your relationship with your children and it may work out.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 27-May-13 14:39:54

I am so glad that you have been able to talk this through OP. I wish you all the best for the

ItsallisnowaFeegle Mon 27-May-13 15:09:35

Agree with MrsC - I'm sure that her confidence around younger children will return.

So, wipe the slate clean, and start over as you mean to go on.

Well done on this happy outcome OP

LeoTheLateBloomer Mon 27-May-13 16:15:59

I'm so pleased you've managed to talk things through with her. I'd assumed that she'd already met your DCs, but it would seem from your update that she hasn't. I think it's really important for all of you that they spend plenty of time getting to know each other before any move takes place. The last thing any of you want is for her to have another panic if you move in together before she's confident in her relationship with them.

Good luck to you all smile

Thumbwitch Mon 27-May-13 16:24:06

Well done for having an open discussion with her about it and I hope she is genuine in her reasons, and her apology.
I would definitely do what Leo suggests though, and bring your OH and your DC together to see how they get on many times before moving in together - put that on the back burner for now.

I hope that part of that discussion was a frank "I completely understand your fear, but you have to know that no matter how much I love you I will always put the overall needs of my children before you or me because I would expect nothing less from you if you felt your children's needs outweighed mine."

and yeah I would also agree that you slow things down on the moving in front so she has ::plenty:: of time to get to know your kids and spend time with them. In fact I would present it as being considerate of her fear and wanting to give her time and space to adjust.

RubyrooUK Tue 28-May-13 03:36:48

Glad you have talked.
Take it slowly and steadily so everyone feels comfortable. Then that should help everyone adapt.
Good luck.

exoticfruits Tue 28-May-13 06:34:55

It is good that you have talked but I would take it very slowly now and not move in until you are sure that she and the DCs have a relationship outside you.

pictish Tue 28-May-13 10:39:14

Hmmm...I still wouldn't be rushing into getting a place together. Sounds like a load of self indulgent crap to me!

Anyone who could say that at all for any reason would be getting the cold eye of suspicion for a long time.

pictish Tue 28-May-13 10:42:33

Especially if they used their poor conduct as a means to garner sympathy.

SacreBlue Tue 28-May-13 10:52:14

Agree with pictish and this Her daughter is much older and she's terrified that she's forgotten how to be around kids. sounds very like bs, what is she? 90? 100? Who 'forgets' how to be around children?

Talking is good though, hope you keep talking a lot more before you decide to finally move in together because this issue is a big one.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 28-May-13 11:15:49

OP, it's good you had that talk with her, but stand your ground. She will have to adapt. Children's needs come first, as you so clearly see, having had similar experiences in your childhood.

I hope it works out, but stand firm. Good luck and best wishes.

digerd Tue 28-May-13 11:21:03

I'm with* pictish*.

Dahlen Tue 28-May-13 11:23:24

OP, are there any issues with your X about how you handle your DC? Do you try to keep your parenting consistent across both households? Do you and your OH have a similar approach to parenting? I ask this because while I would have no problem getting involved with a man who has DC, I would have huge issues with letting a man move in with me if he was the archetypal 'disney dad' - particularly as that would be in stark contrast to the way in which I raised my own.

whistleahappytune Tue 28-May-13 11:50:20

I'm with pictish too. Beware OP. If this woman is this fragile and selfish, why do you want her around your children? Her explanation is wholly inadequate, and frankly pathetic. I can't believe you're buying it.

You sound like a very loving parent. Still a dealbreaker.

digerd Tue 28-May-13 11:51:40

Before you move in together, your GF should meet your DC. You have met her DC several times, you say.

You say you have invested a lot of love and time in your GF, but she has not met your DC and seen their interaction or that of her DC and yours.
That is the most important aspect of your relationship which has not been invested in at all so far. And she has reservations about her DC being happy with yours.

Does she have contact with her father?

FleurDuMal Tue 28-May-13 13:45:53

YANBU - it's your OH who is being unreasonable.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 28-May-13 13:49:48

Oh yeah, I forgot to say, I wouldn't move in yet. Possibly not at all, but I can see there is more talking to be done.

CrabbyBigBottom Tue 28-May-13 14:48:59

I think you'd be mad to move in with this woman in the near future - give it at least 6 months to see how she gets on with and treats your children before you even consider living together.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 28-May-13 14:49:35

Another agreeing with pictish

I personally wouldn't risk my children's happiness/wellbeing on her words. How would you feel if your exW's new partner had said something similar to your partner then had a change of heart? Would you be wholly reassured and completely happy for your children to be living with your exW and her partner?

How much time you have invested in this relationship is irrelevant for decision making purposes.

Tread very carefully OP.

pictish Tue 28-May-13 16:51:11

Even if at the furthest stretch of the imagination, she IS wary of being around younger children (and I think that's utter mince) - why the Hell would her first response be to say she didn't want anything to do with them, and they'll never be anything other than someone else's kids?

Her stance was that her ridiculous insecurities were more important than your relationship with your children!!!

Do not be sob storied into accepting that rubbish as an explanation. It's nowhere near good enough to justify her conduct.

Don't be soft. Your kids come first...not your girlfriend's selfish wobbles.

Bobyan Tue 28-May-13 16:55:20

My advice is still run, run like the wind.

pictish Tue 28-May-13 16:59:07

So is mine.

Can you imagine if you'd gone along with her ridiculous demands as she wanted you to, without you standing up to her and having the big talk?
She would have happily frozen your kids from your lives.

This is not a good woman.

exoticfruits Tue 28-May-13 17:03:08

I certainly wouldn't rush. I shouldn't do anything under a year and just see how the relationship between her and your DCs pans out.

FairPhyllis Tue 28-May-13 17:27:06

You should still run. That's a ridiculous explanation!

Jux Tue 28-May-13 18:02:28

It sounds more like an excuse than an explanation (an "oh fuck, I've gone too far and now he'll walk so I'd better pull something out of the hat quick"). However, you know her and I don't.

It does say something about the relationship you have with her, that she couldn't say to you long long ago "I feel incredibly nervous and worried and scared about meeting your children" doesn't it?

AThingInYourLife Tue 28-May-13 18:40:26

So you bought the tears and the (totally implausible) excuse for her blatant attempt to get you to ditch your kids for her?

Utter foolishness and selfishness on your part.

That you are prepared to continue your relationship with this horrible woman and inflict her on her children knowing what her goal is (and it hasn't changed) says nothing good about you as a father.

AnyFucker Tue 28-May-13 18:52:14

You've been had, OP sad

SarahAndFuck Tue 28-May-13 19:05:55

I agree with Pictish too.

It would be a deal breaker for me and there is no way I would be moving in with someone who felt that way.

And I would be suspicious now of her excuses.

I'd be prepared to bet that there will still be excuse after excuse as to why she can't meet your children or spend time with them and why they can't come to stay.

She will just get a bit more clever and sly as to how she tells you so.

digerd Tue 28-May-13 20:39:00

I don't think OP is interested in our advice anymore, as it is not what he wants to hear sad.

LaQueen Tue 28-May-13 20:46:06

Deal breaker for me.

I could never love anyone, as much as I love my DDs.

Portofino Tue 28-May-13 20:48:45

She never even MET your kids and you are planning to move in hmm

LaQueen Tue 28-May-13 20:51:29

Oh, and having just read more of this thread...

OP you do realise that her explanation of 'not knowing how to be around children anymore' will be the excuse she rolls out, time and again, when she treats your DCs like crap, don't you?

And, you won't be able to call her on her crap behaviour to your DCs, because she can bleat 'But I told you I wouldn't be able to cope, you knew that...'

And, she then divests herself of all responsibility, and negates any need for her to try and be a responsible adult.

Don't say you weren't wanred.

Portofino Tue 28-May-13 20:55:05

Agree, LaQueen.

LaQueen Tue 28-May-13 21:01:31

And I agree with you Porto - why on Earth would you even consider living with someone, when you weren't already reasonably confident that they got on fairly well with your DCs, and that they were a decent human being, who understood the importance of trying to foster good relations between everyone.

Moving in with someone, who had never actually even met my DDs...and who hadn't already amply demonstrated that they could treat my DDs with respect and kindness...?

No. Just no. Never. Not a feckin chance.

Loulybelle Tue 28-May-13 21:02:00

Agreed, LaQueen,

Your OH was giving you a warning OP, i suggest you remember it.

pictish Tue 28-May-13 22:11:53

Agree with Lequeen and Portofino too.

She has not met your kids and you are planning to set up home together? hmm

That is pretty insane. How long have you known her, a week? hmm

Her excuse sounds pretty lame. Bet she has seen this thread and panicked.

My advice to you is to take it really slow and not move in together until your kids absolutely adore her. And then wait a few years. And dont have kids. Please.

OP you do realise that her explanation of 'not knowing how to be around children anymore' will be the excuse she rolls out, time and again, when she treats your DCs like crap, don't you?

Very well said. Please head the warning.

Jux Tue 28-May-13 22:59:05

It sounds to me, too, like you are moving this relationship on very fast. Most people wouldn't even consider moving in together until they'd got their respective children used to each other. Yours haven't even met her!

Please step back a bit and consider your children. Give them time to meet and get used to the idea of another woman in your life.

Why are you doung this so fast? Who is pushing who?

LineRunner Tue 28-May-13 23:34:26

I think Jux asks a very relevant question about the relative haste of the moving in together.

IME, unless one party is leaving an existing partner, there really isn't any reason why relationships with DCs shouldn't be well established before that step is taken.

rabbitlady Tue 28-May-13 23:36:52

time to end this relationship.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 28-May-13 23:54:51

You can't move in together before she has met your children. It is quite frankly a really fucking stupid thing to do. Especially after her recent performance. After that surely you want to see actual proof that she's not going to treat them like utter inconveniences?

She sounds a wrong 'un OP.

candyandyoga Tue 28-May-13 23:58:38

She still sounds like a cunt - a bullshitting cunt now.

I wouldn't trust her or her bullshit.

candyandyoga Tue 28-May-13 23:59:26

Oh and put your kids first ffs! They deserve better than this idiot woman.

JustABitShocked Wed 29-May-13 00:08:58

Ok. I can't give specifics because it would break privacy. I will not 'out' anyone, my ex included.. Because that's not the kind of person I am.

But no-one in my family had seen my DC's for a long time.
I've had to get a court order, because the ex was using them as a weapon to hurt me.
There wasn't a formal agreement regarding me seeing them.
Stupid, I know.. But you always assume that someone you've known so long couldn't do something like that...
Although I've been seperated for a long, long time, the ex has used every dirty trick she can think of and taking my children from me was the biggest, dirtiest trick she ever played.
I'd thought it was unthinkable tbh.

By the time things were serious enough for me to consider letting OH see my DC, they were already out of my life.
Now they are staying overnight with me and we (DC's and I) are about to go on holiday... I think it's a big change for OH.. Even though I'm going slowly, it's a huge, important thing.
A lot of pressure for anyone.

I'm not saying this for sympathy, and I can promise, I did nothing to warrant their disappearance (though I know there will be people that will be suspicious.. If you feel you must post that you are suspicious, please do.. But do so understanding you will not get more information as to why).

I simply want you to understand why she hadn't met them.

AudrinaAdare Wed 29-May-13 00:15:28

Oh Christ, have you ever read the relationships boards? I think you should. Read the Stately Homes threads. Please do not subject a child to this sort of life. Home should be a refuge from the world where the child is loved unconditionally and where they feel safe.

When I feel unsafe I am able to end a relationship or even move house. Children don't have the facility to do this so it is paramount that the adults around them make good decisions because they have so little power.

You deserve better too! You are not pregnant, financially-dependent or otherwise vulnerable and yet you seem to be sleep-walking into the Lion's Den. Wakey wakey smile

LineRunner Wed 29-May-13 00:18:13


So you got a court order after a long time. You have been having your DCs overnight, and are planning a holiday with them.

But OH still hasn't met them.

CrabbyBigBottom Wed 29-May-13 00:44:50

I'm afraid it sounds as though she liked things just fine when you didn't have contact with your children, Just. sad

I'm sorry, but I don't think that she's being honest with you now - she's back-tracking because she thinks she risks losing you by what she said. But she's made her true feelings clear, hasn't she - she's not willing to welcome another woman's children into her home. Is she quite possessive or jealous in other respects?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 29-May-13 00:47:46

OP I think that you are right to spend your time with your DCs alone. If what you say is true, you all need to spend time getting to know eachother and re-establishing the child/parent relationship without any

Please take things slow with your new DP. Re-establish and enjoy your relationship with your DCs. Then, see what happens when you introduce them. Then, see how they (and you) get on over a period of time.

AND THEN have the Moving In Together conversation.

JustABitShocked Wed 29-May-13 00:51:13

No. OH hasn't seen them yet.
Slowly, slowly.. For the kids sake..
To get used to seeing me, then their granny.. My brother..

It takes time, for their sake..
But I wanted to now introduce OH, and that's where this all began.

Loulybelle Wed 29-May-13 00:57:46

So she essentially bailed at the last minute?

JustABitShocked Wed 29-May-13 01:06:11

I suppose, it all boils down to the initial question..
Was I being unreasonable to think she (OH) was out of line, over reacting?

The thread has gone off course..
I didn't want her judged.
I wanted to get a feel for if I was making a mountain out of a molehill.
It's obvious that I wasn't.

But please.. The OH.. she is a good woman.
She's not uncaring or cold.. Or any of those... other things.
She fucked up. She knows it. She really is gutted that a momentary lapse of judgement has caused me, and her so much pain..

And, perhaps most important.. I truly believe she will be great with my DC's, even if she's scared and lacking in self confidence. That's a sin many of us are guilty of.
I wouldn't be with her if I didn't think that I could trust her with them.
And.. I will be there, at her side till she is as completely at ease with them, as they are with her.

JustABitShocked Wed 29-May-13 01:21:49

Yes Loulybelle. She panicked and bailed when it became a reality.
She was wrong.

Loulybelle Wed 29-May-13 01:24:07

Read this thread, for idea about how unreasonable you were not being, its sad reading.

LittleFeileFooFoo Wed 29-May-13 01:25:08

OP, please don't move in with her until after she is completely at ease with your children. YANBU to think this is a deal breaker, and even after your talk, it's still a deal breaker.

You are sounding just like an enabler, making excuses for her and not believing anyone who tells you that OH is going to keep her attitude to your kids.

She didn't "fuck up" she told you the truth, she doesn't want another woman's kids in her home. Which is fine, that's her position, it's legitimate to feel that way. She's not a cunt for having that position, and I'm guessing that when you all met, your likelihood of having the kids in your life was slim, so she was safe.

But what isn't fine, and where the real fucking up is going on is you not listening to her. Stop being so selfish, you're deluding yourself if you think this is going to be easy, or that she won't push back to her original position. She may well change her mind, but she's telling you what you want to hear because what she said before didn't get her what she really wanted.

My god, so many men fall for this tact by women. Look, you want to think you can change her mind in a loving and persuasive way, you can't. She can change how she tells you, or how she shows you, but only she can change her mind, and believe me, it will take more than a tearful session of you giving her the talk.

Loulybelle Wed 29-May-13 01:33:02

Little is bang on, no child should be treated as a inconvenience and i fear she will treat them as such, most first time parents dont freak out and refuse to parent their children, you dont just forget how to be around children.

runningforme Wed 29-May-13 01:52:52

sounds like you've already decided OP. I feel sorry for the children who will absolutely know how she feels about them, however she tries to dress it up to please you. I should know, I've been there.

garlicgrump Wed 29-May-13 02:14:15

I've only read the first page and this one. Seems I've missed some argy-bargy, and cut straight to the chase smile

Don't do this to your children. A sudden addition of a new family member - who rejects them, sight unseen - will be incomprehensible to them (even if they're young adults now, let alone small ones) and, coming on top of the emotional maelstrom they've been through, will leave them very uncertain of what they're worth to the adults in their lives. Also remember that you would be living with some other children, which would highlight even more painfully that yours seem to come a poor second.

Don't do this to yourself. You seem to have braved some hell & high water to regain your relationship with your DC. This must mean a tremendous amount to all of you. Your partner's announcement at the beginning of this thread was unbelievably callous, not only in relation to your children, but towards you. I gather she's backtracking now but this can only be from fear, not real remorse. That kind of devastating statement comes from the heart and strong feeling. We say in Relationships: When a man tells you who he is, listen! It works with the genders reversed, too. I'm sorry for all the care you must have put into your partnership, but now you have been shown the truth within it. Pay heed.

exoticfruits Wed 29-May-13 07:05:06

You don't need to rule anything out- you just need to go very slowly and see any getting together as a very long term project.
Firstly you need to get to know your children after all the non contact. It sounds as if OH was quite happy with the non contact, she could sympathise knowing she was safe from having to see them regularly. She sounds rather horrified to find that the DCs are now going to be a physical presence, but has had to back track, realising that she has upset you.
Don't even think of moving in for at least a year when she has had to spend time with them on a wet Sunday in February when everyone is bored and crabby- it is no good just taking sunny days with everyone on best behaviour. You want to be sure that she can do things individually with them when you are not around.
You can't rush things with children.

Jux Wed 29-May-13 12:02:00

OK, she fucked up and she's sorry and she will slowly gain in confidence with your children. Face value.

And at some point your children will then have to meet her children and see how that goes.

Then you will probably do well to spend a week together - all of you - to see how that goes.

Your children will need their own space in your home, as will hers. Each with their own things in there. They will have to learn to trust each other not to mess with each others' stuff when they are absent. And so on and so on.

This is a looooooooong slow process.

Good luck.

She did not panic. That came later, when she started backtracking.
She did not just fuck up. She showed you who she really is.

When somebody is showing you who they are, you ought to listen.

I guess it suited her perfectly to have a man "without kids".

There you are fighting to get your kids, only to realize that you are on your own, the woman you thought would be their stepmum suddenly turns around and says she wont have them in her home - the home you share, your home too, and she dont want to see them.

How convenient for her! "You go off and play dad, but I will have no part in it!"

As a woman, and a mother (like your OH also is) I cannot for one moment imagine what a cruel and callous bitch (sorry) can even say such a thing to the man she says she loves, when she knows how hard you fought to have a relationship with your children.

A normal person would be pleased for you, keen to meet them and get to know them. Not just categorically say "I dont want them in my life".
A normal decent good woman would say "I am a bit rusty with young children, I am worried they wont like me" and not stick her head in the sand and pretend they dont exist. angry

I dare say you are as bad judge of character now, as you were when you chose your ex....

candyandyoga Wed 29-May-13 15:36:34

Well said Qunitessential.

AThingInYourLife Wed 29-May-13 18:29:18

How can you claim it was a momentary mistake when she made her position clear, made you feel unreasonable for disagreeing, you had time to canvass opinion on here, then had a conversation later that evening during which lots of tears were shed before her sudden realisation that she was wrong? That moment lasted for a whole day by my reckoning.

Pretty long moment hmm

She was wrong about you, that was the only mistake she made.

She thought she had more bargaining power than she did and she got a shock when she realised you would break up with her rather than have her banish your children from your home.

If she was really a good, caring woman who was nervous of getting to know your children, she would not have suggested marginalising them in the way she did. She would have suggested marginalising herself in your life.

Her current excuse for her monstrous demands are not remotely plausible.

She is jealous of your children and will compete with them for your attention.

And Quint is right - you obviously have terrible taste in women.

How can you be so angry with your ex for stopping you seeing your children while you are so ready to overlook your current squeeze attempting exactly the same thing?

Are you just blind to the faults of whoever is giving you the sex?

How can you be so angry with your ex for stopping you seeing your children while you are so ready to overlook your current squeeze attempting exactly the same thing?

good point

pictish Thu 30-May-13 07:20:13

Very good point.

digerd Thu 30-May-13 07:30:26

Thinking the same as AThing, word for wordsad.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 30-May-13 08:04:01

Put your children first.
They don't need to be around people who deal with their difficulties the way this woman did.
You have been through a lot to get access to your children and they need to be your focus now.
She says she made a mistake and is sorry but there's no room for someone so emotionally strange around your situation with your kids now.

I'd take this opportunity to end the relationship tbh. She sounds like very hard work. Anyone who could say what she originally did needs to be avoided - even more so as she is now saying it wasn't true!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 30-May-13 08:10:51

And for what it's worth, I can't remember a thread where there's been such a consensus of opinion as this one. Her response was entirely disproportionate to the difficulty she felt she was in. They are your children ffs. What kind of a monster says such a thing - seriously?

Wowserz129 Thu 30-May-13 08:30:44

Even if she did generally feel worried about how she would be with them, I suspect that she doesn't want the hassle of them. It's so incredibly selfish. She had a rational conversation with you that she didnt want your children in your house. Doesn't sound like a sudden lapse of judgement to me. Sounds like a selfish and calculated decision she made and pitched it too you in the hope you would buy it. Her attitude stinks even when you include her sudden change of heart.

I think you are pretty selfish OP to consider putting your children who already sound like they have been through a lot in a situation where they live with you and your OH when your OH would obviously put her needs before you and yours DCS and will most likely show at some point or another she sees them as an inconvenience.

I agree with quint - you really are sleepwalking into a disaster here.

If she were nervous about seeing your kids she would have said - I'm nervous about seeing your kids. Instead she wanted you to chose.

I'm sorry - normal, rational, sane grown up partners don't behave like this.

How can this work out?

Jux Thu 30-May-13 10:20:06

I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life.

Re-read your op. Think hard.

...are supposed to be moving together some time in the near future.

Think hard again.

Read thetyhread that was linked to somewhere upthread. You are in danger of losing everything. Take time, lots of it.

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