To be a bit pissed off with friend? Or does she have a point?

(51 Posts)
VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 12:38:23

Said friend has form for being a bit blunt. The sort of person who would tell you that you looked fat in an outfit (while other people might dress it up as 'it's not that flattering' kind of thing). So, you get an idea what she's like.

Was talking to her today about a man I've been seeing for a while, and that he wasn't ready to get into anything serious, etc, and she said 'that's probably because of what a state your house is'

to which I was shock, slightly thought she was joking but knowing her, thought she might well be being genuine and she carried on to say she couldn't see any man getting involved with me long term, because they wouldn't be able to live in my house as it is, and no-one would want to do the amount of work that's needed to someone else's house.

My house is a state (unfinished DIY project) but I didn't think it was that bad. (I also don't at all think it's a factor with this particular man but that's perhaps rather by the by) However I am a bit worried maybe I have lived with it so long I have no concept of what is normal. And one of my Ex's big things that he always put me down about was the state of the house and am left feeling a bit uncertain now really.

Groovee Sun 26-May-13 12:41:32


You should have replied with "Did you mean to be so rude!"

lottieandmia Sun 26-May-13 12:41:50

Well, if a friend said that to me I would make a mental note that actually they were not friend and cut them out tbh.

Life is too short to choose to have negative, critical 'friends'.

Would you want to be a man who was more concerned with the state of your house than you? hmm


Anomaly Sun 26-May-13 12:45:38

I'd have a think if I were you.

I personally wonder a bit how people have ongoing projects that never end. If you're chipping away at it as time and money allows fair enough.

PurplePidjin Sun 26-May-13 12:45:48

She's not blunt, she's rude. Try giving her a taste of her own medicine - if you bother seeing her again. I wouldn't, that's not a friend imo!

foslady Sun 26-May-13 12:46:15

My God - she's awful. It's one thing being 'blunt', it's another just being damn rude!

VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 12:48:13

I have tried the 'did you mean that to sound so rude' before, and her response was she was just being honest!

She has been a very good friend to me in the past so I tend to overlook this stuff, but today did catch me a bit by surprise.

I am looking round my house now thought thinking what is she was right? confused

It's not as though it's a dowry!

The friend sounds very insensitive (or to go with her language (a bit of a bitch). I'd be seriously worried if someone liked me more or less on the basis of my house or anything similar.

Floggingmolly Sun 26-May-13 12:53:19

If he's a typical bloke he won't even notice the state of your house, once the basic amenities are there. If he's a finicky little fecker who puts a hanky on a chair seat before he sits down, dump him fast.
Dump your "friend" too.

sweetsummerlove Sun 26-May-13 12:57:09

I used to have a friend like this. We'd been bf's for a long time and I owed her alot (or so I felt) for her loyal friendship. Because of this I made lots of excuses over her behaviour to those who did not like her. After dc etc things became more strained as I grew up and felt much stronger within myself. I just realised I didn't need that negativity or added stress. hurts me that we have drifted so far apart and is not how I expected things to pan out, I imagined our dc growing up together, but alas. I am so much happier for realising my life is not held together by 'friends'.
The past year I have grown closer to old friends and met new people, I now have a small handful of really lovely friends. We all respect one another and know that life is busy. We could easily go weeka without snatching five minutes to chat but when we do its like we saw each other yesterday. Its been a bit of a revelation. .who knew friendships really could be so simple.

somthing to think about. ....Your friend sounds very mean.


mandyrobertson76 Sun 26-May-13 12:58:06

Well she is rude but a real man will not even notice the state of you home if he loves you it's because of who you are not where you live.
My husband took me and my three kids on seven yrs ago and my house and garden was a mess.
Now it's beautiful because he made it a home for us all.

VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 12:59:49

To explain a bit re the house, 10 years ago, my Ex started an extension doubling the size of the original house. That meant replastering every room (including original house), rewiring, all new doorframes, skirting, etc. Plus new kitchen, 2 new bathrooms and landscaping the garden. None of it got finished (though some bits are more done than others). When I kicked him out 3 years ago, he'd put in most of one bathroom, done the kitchen, but a lot of the other rooms were half-painted (he used to do a bit then get bored). I have done a little myself since but barely made a dent in it, partly because I'm crap and lazy blush, and partly because we still haven't agreed anything financially over the house so the more I improve it, the more I'll have to pay him for his share. But it does mean I live in a bit of a building site.

The man in question btw has only ever said that it's a lovely house. unlike previous dates who have asked stuff like why I need such a big house, who pays for it (me!) and wouldn't I be happier in a new build...

She's rude and dressing it up as being honest. I wouldn't want to be friends with her and be spoken to like that.

lukymum Sun 26-May-13 13:08:32

She sounds blunt and a bit hurtful. And what she said about the relationship is probably rubbish. But......

As someone who's home was a dump when I moved in, there's a LOT to be said for unfinished homes. When we live in them we don't see how it appears from the outside, especially if we're not particularly tidy ourselves. It's not finished, need new door handles, painting etc but my home is habitable and I'm no longer embarrassed to invite people.
Looking round do you feel comfortable in your home. Forget her awful crass comment. Think could my home feel more homely, maybe I can finish some of this up. But only if it's important to you. A guy shouldn't care (but ofcourse it will make a difference in long run to someone who likes tidy spaces). Sorry she was rude to you, and with time you can work out what you want to do about your friendship.

elfycat Sun 26-May-13 13:10:53

When I met Dh my house was a mess, half decorated, junk everywhere (I think I still had unpacked boxes from 2 years before).

He built shelves, went round second hand furniture stores and helped me carry stuff back home. Then my junk had somewhere to live. He painted rooms. I paid for everything as it was my house and he did the work, often while I was at work so I could come home and have 'wow' moments. He taught me that you can hang un-ironed clothes up so they don't lay around the house and get even more crinkly. I iron before wearing and half the creases fall out now.

So it's not going to stop you doing anything you want withing a relationship.

YANBU, she's got people trained into a habit of accepting her rudeness. Saved her the effort of learning to engage her brain and be thoughtful in her comment. LTB itch wink perhaps not but I'd call her out on the next blunt comment.

PurplePidjin Sun 26-May-13 13:11:00

"Did you mean to be so rude?" "I was just being honest" " Well it sounded very rude, I hope you're not trying to insult me?"

Who gives a shit what your house looks like? It's your problem not hers (unless it's dangerous for your dc in which case SS might be more appropriate anyway!)

If she's so keen, why isn't she round yours with the dust sheets and sandpaper - that's friendship!

lukymum Sun 26-May-13 13:13:03

Just read your next comment. Think you need to see a solicitor, take photos, and then when you make improvements deduct this from the money given to him. Both for costs and effort.
DIY is awful, but I get through it by a room a term or 6monthly. But I can't see or speak to friends or do anything while I finish. Then heypresto it's over before you know it.

changeforthebetter Sun 26-May-13 13:17:27

I have realised that not only do I have a track record of picking such men, I have also let "friends" treat me like this. Bullies look for likely victims. If a partner likes you, he won't give a shiney shit about your house. If he's not that keen then so be it. Tis life. Move on and maybe spend some time thinking about why you might be prone to such people (too much self-deprecation?) brewthanks

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 26-May-13 13:24:39

It's nonsense that a decent bloke (ie the only sort worth having a long term relationship with) would be out off by an unfinished house. But... Your friend may have a point that your house isn't a healthy environment to be living in. None of us here can tell whether she was being rude or honest, as we don't know what it is really like, but maybe worth having a think about how you can tackle it bit by bit to get it finished? What lukymum suggests re photos sounds sensible.

Newrowsees Sun 26-May-13 13:28:39

I'd like to have a friend like her (just the one though!). My sister is honest to a fault too, and there are times when I really appreciate it. It's all very well lying to yourself to make yourself feel better, but every so often I do like a reality check. If your house isn't a pleasant place for others to spend time in, then maybe it's good to know so you can address the situation in future, how ever you see fit...?

VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 13:35:52

I have got some bits done - I've had doors put up (there were no internal doors when the Ex left), had one of the loos plumbed in, and cleared out a room which was full of bits of carpet and old furniture hmm, and some painting. Downstairs is generally fairly habitable, although all the woodwork needs finishing off/painting, and some of the walls (which were done properly about 7 years ago) could use redecorating. Upstairs is more of a work in progress and not great. there are so many little (and big) things to do though that even if I just stuck to the stuff that wouldn't make much difference to the house value, I'm not sure where to start.

Re the financial side, we've both already been told neither of us can really claim for the improvements, what Ex is entitled to will just be based on current value, less mortgage, and my deposit etc, rest split 50/50. Hence wanting to keep the current value as low as possible, because as I get no money for the DC from him (which is a whole other story in itself!) I slightly resent giving him anything.

Unami Sun 26-May-13 17:35:28

I agree that your friend sounds like she is being rude. But...I would not want to move into a partner's house if it was in a very unfinished state AND there was no prospect of it being improved due to an ongoing legal dispute. That doesn't preclude a relationship becoming more serious, though. Just that I wouldn't want to live in a 'work-in-progress' that wasn't actually making any progress.

Also, I may be wrong here, but I'm wondering if the unfinished state of the house is kind of symbolic of other unfinished matters. I mean, the legal situation with your ex is having a visible, everyday effect on your living situation - I guess I wouldn't want to move into a situation which was strongly influenced by a partner's ex-partner.

Sorry, just trying to provide another perspective. No way that we can really tell though, without seeing it.

Numberlock Sun 26-May-13 17:42:51

Take the positive out of the situation and use it as the catalyst you need to get things sorted. (for you not a man obv.)

Break it down into small manageable chunks so you can see some quick wins on the road to completion.

BookFairy Sun 26-May-13 17:45:31

Plates of mouldy food everywhere, overspilling bins etc would make your house a state! Unfinished decorating wouldn't bother me. Your 'friend' is being unnecessarily harsh, especially given the situation with your ex. SIBU.

Tincletoes Sun 26-May-13 18:20:20

Well it's what BookFairy said I think. Decoration needed - not a problem. Really skanky house with mould on plates and crap everywhere - agree it would put someone off.

It's v hard to say without actually seeing the house!

Unami Sun 26-May-13 18:25:24

Based on what BookFairy said, I'd change my mind and agree that unfinished decoration is fine but jumble/uncleanliness is not. I suppose I associate unfinished projects with hoarding and general domestic disarray - not necessarily always the case.

VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 18:29:53

There's definitely not mouldy food/rubbish everywhere. It is quite a dusty house but I always have a good hoover and polish before anyone comes here! Upstairs is a bit untidy, that's mainly because of it being unfinished/lack of storage etc - I have lots of stuff in plastic storage boxes, clothes hanging on overdoor hooks, that kind of thing.

LessMissAbs Sun 26-May-13 18:37:02

she carried on to say she couldn't see any man getting involved with me long term, because they wouldn't be able to live in my house as it is

Gosh. When did it become essential to provide boyfriends with a house to live in? Do they not have houses themselves any more?!!

unlike previous dates who have asked stuff like why I need such a big house, who pays for it (me!) and wouldn't I be happier in a new build

Not what I look for in a man - a desire to live in a concrete box needing nothing done to it. I like a man with practical skills.

That said, sometimes friends can see things you don't and perhaps she is concerned with the lack of progress on your house, and was trying to give you a kick up the bum. But I would do it for you, not with the idea of providing some man with a house to live in!

Numberlock Sun 26-May-13 18:47:28

Someone actually asked you who pays for your house? Wow. He'd have been going home in no doubt about what I thought to that kind of bullshit question.

shewhowines Sun 26-May-13 18:47:39

Sometimes you do get so used to things, you forget to see things how new people would. Take a good look round with fresh eyes.

Ditto what bookfairy said. Unfinished decor, so what. Untidy/clutter/filth needs sorting in small chunks.

Sometimes honesty hurts but is a necessary evil from a good friend.

Potteresque97 Sun 26-May-13 18:51:38

That situation re the house though doesnt seem fixable, you are going to have to pay the loser, unless you can reduce it as he isn't contributing for the dc? Why not sell it as is and move on? Otherwise it's never going to resolve. I can be blunt but this seems a bit more than that, saying no man would put up with it is daft really.

VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 19:19:28

I think the date who asked about who pays for my house actually said something like 'your Ex must be paying a fortune to keep you in a house like this'. Needless to say, once I'd explained to him that I was quite capable of paying my own way and that it was none of his bloody business I never saw him again!

re paying for the house, I have made the Ex an offer earlier this year. He asked for £20k more. I offered another £5k and said that was the best I could do, last I heard he was thinking about it and then went and bought a nearly new BMW for cash. I am expecting hoping for it to get resolved in the next 6 months, I know he wants to buy his own place so he will need my money.

As for selling, because it's worth so much less due to being unfinished, if I did sell now, the only house I'd be able to afford locally would be literally half the size of this.

Laquitar Sun 26-May-13 19:32:45

You shouldn't move imo with anyone anyway if the relationship is that new and you are not close. By the time you are very close, trust each other, sure about each other etc then the house doesn't matter.
If anything it could be a plus that the house needs work which means no memories from ex, new begining and new project with new partner.

But if it is too soon and too new relationship and you dont even know what he thinks then why moving him in?

I also agree with bookfairy.

LessMissAbs Sun 26-May-13 19:41:23

I wouldn't worry about it; people who live in pristine new builds sometimes aren't aware of how you can do up an older property and make money on it. And you hardly want a man with pound signs in his eyes, judging you on how nice a lifestyle you can provide him with! No genuine man would be phased by this, as long as you are clean and tidy. Which you are.

DH and I lived like this for several years while waiting for planning permission to extend our house and while doing much of it ourselves. It sold for 3 times what we bought it for. We could have bought a new build with a large mortgage, but now we have a tiny mortgage which will be paid off soon and a very good house. We did up two adjoining cottages prior to that, and I have fond memories of going out of one house and into the other, in the dark, in winter, because the one with central heating didn't have a functioning bathroom!

VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 20:37:45

Honestly, there is no prospect of me moving in with this man! Trust me on that smile

We are still very much dating, and no more than that; the conversation with my friend came up because I was talking to her about him, and how he wasn't ready to move things forward to a relationship - to which she then said it was the house being unfinished, he wouldn't see himself with me longterm because of that and so on.

It has made me look at the house a bit more critically though, which is no bad thing.

oldendaysending Sun 26-May-13 20:43:17

God that's awful. I DID have a friend who had a disgusting house - honestly it was awful - not because of unfinished decorating, though ... hmm

lottiegarbanzo Sun 26-May-13 20:55:09

She's projecting her own ideas about your house and what she considers desirable.

If more astute, she may be expressing concern about 'unfinished business' with your ex and perceive the house as a sign that you're not ready to move on, from him, or from a state of despond you've languished in since his leaving (if that rings true). Getting the house sorted out might be a sign of moving forwards with your life generally, so being more ready for a new relationship but might also generate that feeling quite quickly and feel like a massive relief.

I haven't quite understood the payment situation. Surely you get it valued now and base any payment to the ex on that, so it's then irrelevant whether you then increase its value?

GrendelsMum Sun 26-May-13 21:08:22

well, its hard to say without knowiing you, her and the house.

I have a friend who is very honest, and I value her opinions as I know theyre always the truth. Same with my uncle - if he says something is good, he means it. If he doesn't like it, he says it straight out.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 26-May-13 21:17:12

I should add, I spent a couple of years in a rather dead-end situation many years ago and afterwards, was a little aghast that no friend had said 'what are doing, this isn't good for you, you need to get out and move on to something better'. It was only passing comments by acquiantances that obliquely conveyed that message. Good friends were too tactful, considerate or supportive. That's a really difficult line to tread as a friend; say what you think needs to be said and risk losing a friendship, or be complicit in supporting a disadvantageous situation.

Your friend though, just sounds massively tactless and a bit self-centred. You sound quite together and clear-sighted, so I suspect the above isn't relevant at all!

Laquitar Sun 26-May-13 21:55:58

Ah ok then.

Well, regarding your friend's comment i would appreciate her honesty if she said that she is concerned about ME living in an unfinished house, or my children not being able to have parties and playdates or if the situation meant that i might be depressed and not able to move on etc (i'm not saying that the above apply to you btw).

But what she says is that the man wouldn't have a perfect domestic set up!!! A perfect ready house waiting for him!!! Ha! Which makes her sound a bit daft and probably old fashioned.

Did she offer her partner a ready house then? Did she have the slippers ready for him too?

I wouldn't worry about her tbh although it would be good if you sort out the house ( *for you not for any man*).

Potteresque97 Sun 26-May-13 22:03:37

Ok fingers crossed he accepts and you can draw a line under his involvement soon. The unfairness of divorce laws never ceases to amaze me!

BookFairy Sun 26-May-13 23:24:50

Your friend has some funny ideas! A man won't want to have a long term relationship because of unfinished DIY? If you had plastic sheeting for windows and a bucket for a loo I could understand. You've done what you can given your circumstances. She sounds rather insensitive. If she mentions it again I'd say 'That's an interesting point, I'll give it some thought' and move on. Some people are thoughtless and it's best not to dwell smile

lisianthus Mon 27-May-13 00:53:04

I don't like people who say whatever rudeness floats into their heads and when called on it, pull the "I was just being honest" routine. Never mind being unkind, what she said was also unnecessary (as why would you want a man who just wants you for living quarters?) and unhelpful (as given your divorce circumstances you can't do much about it anyway).

If it was necessary or useful for you to have this said to you, there would have also been a less offensive way to put it. Ditch her. You have enough stuff to worry about at the moment without having to put up with a "friend" who thinks she can speak to you as nastily as she likes.

34DD Mon 27-May-13 01:10:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thistledew Mon 27-May-13 02:22:13

Having lived through two house renovations myself (the first one after my ex left having gutted the house then spent 6 months doing very little else, even though I was working to support us both so he could finish the work), it would put me off a relationship with someone if they lived in an unfinished house without working towards completing it, or even having a plan to do so. It would make me think that that person was not pro-active, was disorganised and couldn't be bothered to put in the hard work to finish the project.

I second what others have said about getting legal advice regarding fixing a valuation now, or at the very least doing the work that will add little in the way of value. Make sure the rooms are tidy and do what painting you can. If you are waiting for flooring to go down, large cotton dust sheets laid out taut are better than nothing.

ComposHat Mon 27-May-13 02:32:29

Your friend is being ridiculous, over a potential boyfried, but when I was growing up our house was in a similar state, my dad would start DIY projects then abandon them.

For years we didn't have carpet or curtains and peeling paper on the wall and I was so ashamed and embarrassed by the state of the house, that I'd never ask anyone to come around. My dad seemed blissfully unaware of this.

Buzzardbird Mon 27-May-13 06:12:39

Don't think your house will have any effect on a man...unless your bed is covered in teddy bears and dolls grin

SlumberingDormouse Mon 27-May-13 08:21:08

I have the kind of DP who notices but doesn't mind. When we first met I was ashamed to show him my bedroom because it was a bit of a state, but now he loves it. Any good man would react the same way!

cory Mon 27-May-13 09:38:31

Surely one of the first things you want to find out about any man you might consider sharing your life with is whether you are on the same level regarding tidiness.

I couldn't possibly live with a man with any tendencies to OCD or even ordinary meticulousness, and would want to be warned in time: I certainly wouldn't take it as an incentive to start pretending I was different.

Dh and I have things that haven't been finished about this house though we've been living here 20 years. It doesn't mean we are generally disorganised people: just that we don't prioritise DIY. Being married to somebody with very different priorities would be a nightmare for either of us.

Cosmosim Mon 27-May-13 10:13:38

It seems your friend is bluntly echoing what you've told her other dates said about your house in the past. It would put me off to date someone with a house like yours - I would want to muck in and help finish it and it would definitely be an indication of mismatched personalities that the other person could live in diy limbo for years.

Interestingly, I was looking at buying my first flat while dating. Got one that needed lots of decorating DIY that I had planned to do myself. The man I started dating about then looked completely relieved once he realised I didn't want him to come over to "help" out on weekends as he hated DIY. Married him in the end and guess what we argue about a lot - DIY :-)

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