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To tell DH if he leaves me I will screw him for everything he's got.....

(113 Posts)
AmadeusRocks Fri 24-May-13 19:54:01

My bastard DH has this evening made a joke saying "if I left you for my secretary you'd be financially screwed", I am 36 weeks pregnant and already worrying about money hmm and hormonal. I quipped back "well if you leave me I will take you for everything you've got" and he was horrified!

I've kicked him out for the night to stew at his mothers. Seriously, what sort of arsehole makes that comment to a pregnant woman, especially when I've just passed up promotion opportunity which would DOUBLE my salary to bear his children!

So WIBU to react like that?

TidyDancer Fri 24-May-13 20:01:18

Well it wasn't a funny joke, but are you being serious about kicking him out?

I don't think it's an especially mature way to go....

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 24-May-13 20:05:32

What on earth made him make such kind of a joke?

I would certainly have sat down and discussed why he chose to make that joke and what he meant by it.

I believe that all communication has a purpose. Everything we say has a point. I would want to know what his was.

MooseBeTimeForSpring Fri 24-May-13 20:05:45

Yup he's an arsehole. However, you have unrealistic expectations. You wouldn't get everything. So, you're both BU.

bigfatgypsy Fri 24-May-13 20:08:04

Ex and I used to have some humdingers. He said that when we split, he'd never pay a penny. I said that he'd never see DS again.

Turns out we were both right * shrugs *

It's not a great idea to say big, serious stuff in an argument. It normalizes it - makes it more likely to happen.

Euphemia Fri 24-May-13 20:14:18

I think we need some back story here!

OHforDUCKScake Fri 24-May-13 20:17:12

Id fucking kick him out if I was hormonal, pregnant, vulnerable, worrying, and had recently given up a double salary position, just for him to help out with a comment like that.

OP YANBU. At ALL.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 24-May-13 20:35:03

You kicked him out of his home just for a crap and misguided joke?

Come on, there has to be more to it.

If not, I should imagine his secretary is looking very attractive right about now.

HellonHeels Fri 24-May-13 20:37:50

Any chance you can change your mind about taking the promotion?

Cluffyflump Fri 24-May-13 20:40:36

Wow what a monumentally stupid thing to say shock
I'm not sure you were wrong to kick him out tbh.
It sounds like a nasty way to put you down and make you feel weak.
If that was the case, you showed him that you are made of stronger stuff!
I hope you're ok xx

Roshbegosh Fri 24-May-13 20:41:21

The two of you need to calm down. He was right though, if you have given up your job, was he just stating a fact? Saying you will screw him for every penny makes you sound pitiful, sorry. You are supposed to be equal adults making different contributions to the family unit and it doesn't sound like you are both together on this.

somedayillbesaturdaynite Fri 24-May-13 20:42:08

ywbu to tell him your (hypothetical) plans, but not unreasonable to carry them out!

Wow that's some kind of sense of humour he's got there. I wouldn't be too hard on him though assuming you have no reason to doubt that it was a joke, it was just in very, very poor taste. Let him make it up to you.

ZZZenagain Fri 24-May-13 20:43:02

if you are having a baby together soon, best to get things back on track. Go out tomorrow evening and sort it out between the two of you. YWNBU to dislike what he said (and why did he say it in the first place?) but the two of you could be handling things better IMO. Draw a line under it and move on.

Shenanagins Fri 24-May-13 20:44:20

It all depends on the context tbh. For example tonight me and my oh were having a lighthearted conversation and i said to him that i was only with him for his money. He feigned shock and retorted that he thought i was the one with money which is the only reason he hangs about.

now written down that could sound quite horrible but we were having a bit of fun with each other.

WorraLiberty Fri 24-May-13 20:44:37

He sounds like an arsehole really

But how do you kick someone out of there own home?

Surely you mean you asked him to leave and he agreed?

WorraLiberty Fri 24-May-13 20:45:06

*their

Call his bluff, scare the shit out of him pack his stuff and have a taxi drop it off to him.

Fucker.

Think you could have stabbed him and got away with it in your condition.

Cabrinha Fri 24-May-13 20:47:06

Why on EARTH have you given up such a financially good promotion? (and presumably good for career as well as money?)
You can have maternity leave from a well paid position as easily as you can a poorly paid one.
He is right - he leaves you, you're screwed. Kick him out if you want, but here the sense in his words.
What can you do about that promotion?

Dahlen Fri 24-May-13 20:47:49

No, you weren't BU. Not at all. You've made a very clear stance that 'jokes' (how is that supposed to be funny exactly?) like that aren't funny.

You've also shown him that while you may have passed up promotion, sacrificed your career and made yourself more vulnerable (to him) by becoming pregnant, that doesn't make you his plaything and you demand respect. Good for you!

If he's suitably remorseful tomorrow, I think point made and I wouldn't labour it. But while you'll undoubtedly get people saying you overreacted, can't take a joke blah blah blah, I think you absolutely handled it the right way. He won't be making 'jokes' like that in a hurry again and will think twice about shafting you (if he ever had any intention of doing so anyway) in the future.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 24-May-13 20:47:51

You both said something stupid and horrible. He started it, you carried it on. Put it down to hormones if you want to but it's still not a nice thing to say. He has no such excuse.

If there's something more behind this then you need to ensure that your finances are sorted out so that you can manage.

Personally, I think anybody who meaningfully attempts to 'screw their partner for everything they can get' is vile.

You've thrown him out because he said something a bit stupid? Or do you think there's more to it? If my DH had said that, I would have replied like you did and that would have been it. Not ending in throwing him out, how ridiculous.

Think there's more to this than you being pregnant and hormonal; do you trust him?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 24-May-13 20:49:44

... oh, and your bearing YOUR children too. Please stop making out that it's some kind of favour. You decided this with him, didn't you? shock

Leverette Fri 24-May-13 20:49:44

So what's going on with his secretary then?

Minetired Fri 24-May-13 20:49:54

biscuit brew

melen Fri 24-May-13 20:50:33

Oh I am sorry, that was a terrible comment. At least, when you both calm down, could you sit and discuss the matter ? By the end of the day, you are growing an innocent, beautiful baby who deserves two mature and committed parents..

Really stupid comment on his part, equally stupid comment on your part. You get an out for being heavily pregnant and hormonally sensitive. He doesn't.
Does his secretary know of his plans? He was being very insensitive, I hope his Mum rips him a new one for being such an ass this close to the new baby arriving.

Hissy Fri 24-May-13 21:08:30

In any event, please give some thought to continuing your career?

Did you and him discuss your turning down this promotion? Was it a joint decision that you should be a sahm and give him the sole responsibility for earning?

Was this his way of asking you to think twice? He made a stupid comment, but you did a major knee jerk reaction of kicking him out without finding out what the background was.

Vivacia Fri 24-May-13 21:14:12

Has either of you kicked the other out before during an argument?

RhondaJean Fri 24-May-13 21:14:46

The moral here is NEVER GIVE UP A JOB, A JOB OFFER OR A CHANCE OF APPLYING FOR A JOB.

Tbh, this is the kind of thing DH and I say in jest to each other a lot (I'm currently threatening to leave him for a fat man so I don't feel I have to work so hard at the gymgrin) but if it was the first time he came out with something like that, I'd be upset and I'm not hormonal and due to pop.

Does he actually have a secretary btw?

marriedinwhiteagain Fri 24-May-13 21:26:46

Hmm. When our DC were tiny I recall DH saying that if I was unfaithful to him or left him he's make sure he took me to the cleaners and fight me for custody. He was abit insecure - still can be. I blame his mother.

I just used to tell him to stop being silly because I wasn't going to. Even now the silly bugger dear man is prone to tell me about a lovely woman he met at work. Good job I take no notice.

I just keep telling him I'd feel more randy if he scattered rose petals and lit scented candles and took his socks off

Men eh, who'd have them a lot of women without one

OhDearNigel Fri 24-May-13 21:28:14

I'm guessing he didn't just come up with this gem totally out of nowhere (Shall we watch Eastenders ? Pass the remote oh and by the way you're fucked financially if I dump you for my secretary)
I think we need some backstory.

diddl Fri 24-May-13 21:28:55

Well he might have a point-but what has the secretary got to do with anything?

Why not "just" say "if we split up"?

AmadeusRocks Fri 24-May-13 21:30:23

Yes he has a secretary, although she doesn't just work for him but several members of his team.

I plan to go back to work 3 days a week after taking a years maternity leave, I passed on the promotion because I wouldn't be able to work part time and the hours the job requires are ridiculous and I would hardly get to see our child. It was a joint decision for me to do this, I have asked him since if he would rather I'd taken it and he's adamant he would rather have me at home more with our children. I was hesitant ab

He's pissed me off big time being so fucking

AmadeusRocks Fri 24-May-13 21:32:18

Whoops posted to soon.

Was supposed to say that I was hesitant about this due to less financial security for myself in the event of a split, however he assured me that he would do everything he could to provide for his children if we split.

So, is he already making provisions for a split?

ahusband Fri 24-May-13 21:37:19

YABU but as you're pregnant I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Obviously he misjudged the moment and said something a bit stupid.

BegoniaBampot Fri 24-May-13 21:40:16

Don't really blame you but find it strange you have already discussed how you will finance your children if you split when you don't have them yet. Maybe you are just being sensible.

RhondaJean Fri 24-May-13 21:42:23

I totally understand you need to work out how to protect yourself financially, but there seems to have been an awful lot of talking about splitting? Do you think it's a possibility? Are you worried about your relationship in general or just peed off he is being an insensitive twat right now?

valiumredhead Fri 24-May-13 21:43:04

When you have both calmed down and hopefully made up you should discuss some ground rules i.e. never joking or threatening divorce unless you are serious. There are some things that should not be said.

VestandKnickers Fri 24-May-13 21:45:45

Good lord. If you hadn't said you were expecting his baby I'd guess you were both about twelve years old. Seriously, you need to grow up.

Booyhoo Fri 24-May-13 21:46:46

umm

it's not normal to discuss what you'll both do when you split up. you know that right OP? why is he bringing up leaving you?

it sounds like you've both thought it through and decided what would you would do.

odd for a comitted couple who are having a baby.

Potteresque97 Fri 24-May-13 21:47:48

In all seriousness, if you really have any serious doubts about the relationship, you might want to re think the job. That kind of career sacrifice isn't really recognised in divorce. I suspect this is just a weird one off thing though.

scottishmummy Fri 24-May-13 21:50:35

why us you forgo a job to be dependent upon him?is that why you cross
you two have problems if you kick him out and this is his idea of joke
I'd be booking a nanny and begging for job back if I were you

Booyhoo Fri 24-May-13 21:50:43

sorry. i think i might be misunderstood with that post.

i dont mean it's not normal to have a plan in place for financial security and what would happen WRT house and dcs.

what i mean is, it's not normal to be rowing like that. or for either of you to be dropping in little 'jokes' like that.

shit. i'll give up. i'm not even udnerstanding myself anymore. sorry.

ParadiseChick Fri 24-May-13 21:52:18

Do you often kick him out to his mums?

scottishmummy Fri 24-May-13 21:58:53

I have to say no way I'd be told to leave my house,if there's leaving it being done wouldn't be me

CloudsAndTrees Fri 24-May-13 22:07:22

That reads to me like you are the one that brought up the possibility of a split Amadeus, not him.

Monty27 Fri 24-May-13 22:12:45

You're both being very immature. With an impending baby you need to get this sorted. Are you both stressed? Do you love each other? Do you want this family life together?

confused

Greythorne Fri 24-May-13 22:17:28

What valiumredhead said.

You are not adolescents in the first throes of passion, where people say and do ridiculous things, make grand gestures.

You are about to be parents. You need to sit down and have a hard chat with him and agree never, ever to say things like 'I'll leave you for my secretary" or "I want a divorce" or "I'll screw you over financially" unless you mean them because they hurt, even if they are jokes and once said, they can't be unsaid and it leads to insecurity in a relationship.

You both have to act and give all the signals that you are 100% committed to the relationship.

Unless you are not. And quite honestly, neither of you sound committed to each other.

WilsonFrickett Fri 24-May-13 22:18:52

Are you both 12? It's not really usual to keep discussing what would happen in the event of a split - unless you're planning to split. (In which case, why did you pass up a promotion?) As for kicking him out... I take it the house is in your name?

If you've been married for 10 years or so, it doesn't matter who's name the house is in, in the event of a divorce. Everything is put into the pot and divided equally. If you have to provide a home for your DC, you will generally get a bit more than half.

My ex and I used to joke about who would have to keep the rather annoying cat, but we never talked seriously about splitting. My career 'sacrifice' (our joint decision, of course hmm ) wasn't compensated for at all.

I hope it's just a hormone filled spat, but I think you have to think very seriously about any underlying tensions.

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 24-May-13 22:30:15

You both sound childish. You are "bearing his child" for him, err no you are having a baby together.

If you have given up your job and promotion just because you will have a child then you need to live with the consequences. Relying on another adult totally is a recipe for disaster should things go wrong. He would only be liable for child support in line with CSA rates and you would be left out to dry with no job.

SavoyCabbage Fri 24-May-13 22:39:53

Why did he go so far as to name a specific person that he would leave you for? Why not just say "if we split up you would be screwed".

I think a lot of women would be up the creek if their husbands left them during this stage of their lives. I would have been.

scottishmummy Fri 24-May-13 22:54:37

stop being so passive.no one bears a man children
parenthood,it's not a giving things up competition.only decline what you willing to
don't hope/expect giving stuff up makes you better mum.it doesn't

AmadeusRocks Fri 24-May-13 22:58:23

I think my waters have just broken shock

RhondaJean Fri 24-May-13 22:59:29

Oh Christ on a bike.

scottishmummy Fri 24-May-13 23:00:31

in that case you have more to be doing than updating mn

AmadeusRocks Fri 24-May-13 23:00:37

I went for a wee and without being too graphic, some clear water and a load of gunk just sort of exploded all over the toilet.....been having what I thought were bad braxton hicks for the last two days, mw agreed they probably were

Loulybelle Fri 24-May-13 23:01:09

Oh fuck, i guess DH is needed badly.

rabbitlady Fri 24-May-13 23:01:17

don't tell him any such thing. he's a prat and you might need to get rid one day, so keep your mouth shut for now and gather all your evidence (of his assets and earnings). do it while he's out at his mother's. keep quiet and update from time to time. put emergency money in a bank account he knows nothing of, little and often. copy your favourite photos and store them and your documentary evidence with family, not friends.

he made a daft remark but now he knows you take such things seriously; he might not ever do it again. but just in case, be ready. then if it comes to it, you will be much more confident about saying 'see you then. bye.'

AmadeusRocks Fri 24-May-13 23:01:25

I think I have gone into panic mode, I don't feel ready for this sad

Loulybelle Fri 24-May-13 23:01:57

That sounds like broken waters alright.

scottishmummy Fri 24-May-13 23:03:03

word of advice,conserve your mental/physical energies no more mn
prioritise
and mn isn't priority at moment

marriedinwhiteagain Fri 24-May-13 23:03:22

Then you had better phone him and ime you don't "think" your waters have broken - they go with a woosh and leave half a bucket of puddle.

scottishmummy Fri 24-May-13 23:05:30

don't expect to hear from you again given circumstances
contact your dh

RhondaJean Fri 24-May-13 23:05:56

They can trickle though, depending on where the baby is sat.

Better get a hold of him op, you can update us when it's all over.

Good luck!

lovesherdogstoomuch Fri 24-May-13 23:06:55

sorry but that's a horrible thing to say to your heavily pregnant wife. WTF? seriously. that's horrible. i would question him closely. why would he say that?

Time to call your husband and call a truce. Good luck. Come back to update, ok?

CremeEggThief Fri 24-May-13 23:10:24

Wow! What a twist in the thread!

WorraLiberty Fri 24-May-13 23:13:35

I'm quite baffled actually having read the OP's other thread about money.

They both seem very financially secure.

Wow!

marriedinwhiteagain Fri 24-May-13 23:14:21

Give us an update in the morning. Good luck; where's your mum?

RhondaJean Fri 24-May-13 23:15:37

What other thread worra?

Live birth thread??

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

WorraLiberty Fri 24-May-13 23:19:42

I'm not going to link to it RJ but the OP's only started a couple if you use advanced search it'll come up.

ouryve Fri 24-May-13 23:21:38

Context means such a lot. I've told DH, quite firmly [tongue in cheek] that if he leaves me he has to take custody of DS1. I might amend that to DS2, on current form. We're secure enough in our relationship to joke about it, though and both boys need a lot of 1:1 care.

RhondaJean Fri 24-May-13 23:22:57

I did check earlier and I only found two as well - one thread about a friend giving her a gift and this one? My search is wonky!

marriedinwhiteagain Fri 24-May-13 23:28:18

Donkt see what's braggy abut that. A bit extravagant may be but nothing unusual and plenty to cut back on if income drops. Babies change lifestyles.

emstats Fri 24-May-13 23:42:04

Sounds like the classic man joke, and they do hate it when you retaliate in kind...
Seriously doubt he in anyway meant it seriously, but it was an utter stupid 'joke' to make. Bet you'll make up tomorrow tho smile

scottishmummy Fri 24-May-13 23:46:01

maybe in your experience there's man joke?i suspect it not universally shared

Greythorne Fri 24-May-13 23:52:14

Odd

Snazzywaitingforsummer Sat 25-May-13 00:01:17

Marking place to await developments.

Buzzardbird Sat 25-May-13 06:06:28

I think you have to be careful about the motives behind the 'joke'. The context wasn't clearly explained and made the Op angry enough to ask him to leave.
I get a very uneasy feeling about the power some men feel when pregnancy makes a woman feel insecure after reading several abuse threads that started in a similar way.
I really don't think the Op has anything to worry about financially but his dangling of the 'secretary' was just what a heavily pregnant woman needs to feel secure wasn't it?

diddl Sat 25-May-13 08:03:50

Ooh-what's occurring??

Mimishimi Sat 25-May-13 08:10:19

Nasty joke got a nasty answer. What was his problem?

BerryLellow Sat 25-May-13 08:25:32

That escalated quickly shock

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 25-May-13 08:45:19

Yep, pretty baffling OP having read your other thread... hmm

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 25-May-13 11:11:24

They spend £400 a month on food???

Wtf do they eat? Ostrich eggs?

MammaTJ Sat 25-May-13 11:20:33

Read the other thread and have little sympathy for financial situation, but the OPs husband was being a dick. Hope baby has arrived safe and sound and they have kissed and made up now.

emstats Sat 25-May-13 19:00:07

Man joke = crappy thoughtless joke. You've never been subjected to one? Well lucky you!!

ZZZenagain Sat 25-May-13 19:02:14

good luck

scottishmummy Sat 25-May-13 20:56:06

I wouldn't assign gender to a bad taste joke
if its shite joke,it's a shite joke.thers no need to apply stereotyped gender assignations
I really don't think there is man/woman joke.

imaginethat Sat 25-May-13 22:25:23

Goodness, hope they are a happy little family now!

cerealqueen Sat 25-May-13 23:30:46

Is this a business arrangement or a marriage?!

cerealqueen Sat 25-May-13 23:32:37

Just seen birth impending, hope all well!

Lazyjaney Sun 26-May-13 08:28:59

Very odd pair of threads, there must be more behind them.

AmadeusRocks Wed 29-May-13 14:34:27

Just to update you all that we've had a beautiful baby son at 10.30am on Saturday weighing 7lb 2 and he is named Patrick Cassius Paul <surname> or Cassius Patrick Paul

AmadeusRocks Wed 29-May-13 14:36:44

That post sounds odd......what I mean is we haven't yet decided which way round the first two names will go!

Buzzardbird Wed 29-May-13 14:38:23

Congratulations Amadeus, let's hope this is an end to stupid comments.

ukfirestorm Wed 29-May-13 14:43:08

I'm with Lyingwitch on this. Vile.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 29-May-13 14:43:59

Congratulations!

Mollydoggerson Wed 29-May-13 14:45:32

Congratulations. I like Patrick!

ukfirestorm Wed 29-May-13 14:48:06

congrats, lovely names.

That all went very fast. Congratulations.

Cluffyflump Thu 30-May-13 12:22:21

Congratulations smile

ukfirestorm, I hope your post was because of your inability to bother to read the thread, and not because you wanted to put the boot into a new mother.
That would be vile.

littlediamond33 Thu 30-May-13 12:34:10

many a true word spoken in jest.

SybilRamkin Thu 30-May-13 13:08:43

Hurrah, congratulations on the new addition to your family. Hopefully all the horribleness is sorted out.

ukfirestorm Fri 31-May-13 23:10:18

It so was, hadnbt got to the happy news bit, congrats, and sorry for post in wrong part of the thread

Cluffyflump Mon 03-Jun-13 10:40:07

I see that ukfirestorm,
I've turned into a bit of a snappy moo of late.
I saw you on another thread and felt bad about having a go at you.
thanks

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