to just want to leave?

(27 Posts)
burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 02:16:45

have had enough of this after 15 years in which time my children seem to have broken or given away or lost everything i ever gave them, talk to me like crap, my ex hates me and them and doesn't see them, all I have is a dirty trashed house to deal with and a son who refuses to attend school, a brother who despises me for being a single mother and we haven't spoken for ten years and the rest of the "family" look down their nose at us and never want to see us even at Christmas, and endless problems with the authorities such as SS and education and fewer and fewer friends with each passing year. i just want to leave, take them to their dad or whatever because as someone is doubtless about to tell me, this is all my own fault and i should have been a more effective parent or a better person or something and i might as well give up for all the good i am doing here

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 02:19:32

not to mention the succession of small animals who have met their death at the hands of my daughter and the pony i got her whose tail has been hacked with scissors and now she has done the same to a horse i was riding too, so i cannot ride her anymore as the owner is so pissed off, and who can blame her.

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 02:23:17

and other parents tell my son to stay away from their children because they probably know about the time he was done for shoplifting vodka in the local supermarket and he swaggers about drinking beer and smoking putting on a fake innit blud accent, then he comes crying and shouting to me about that

CrystalDeCanter Fri 24-May-13 02:35:45

Crikey burberryqueen you sound well pissed off. Are your kids really that bad? You do sound like you need a break - can their dad take them for a while? Can anyone have them whilst you have a few days off?

It sounds like you need these flowers

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 02:42:15

thank you Crystal, nobody to have them no, but thanks for the flowers, their dad got remarried to a lovely lady and after that stopped the child support and visits. although csa got him after 7 years which was something. i just don't see the point any more.

CrystalDeCanter Fri 24-May-13 02:52:47

How old are your children Burberry?

If your dd is ungrateful for the pony (!!!) that'd be the first thing I'd get rid of.

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 03:11:02

they are both 14.
my son sits around literally pushing food into his mouth being vile to his sister.
as for the pony, yes i want to give her away all i hear is "my pony my pony" and to top it all tonight "how dare you tell me what to do with my pony" when i taught daughter to ride and bought the bloody thing for her and obvs pay for its upkeep.
sorry boring.

CheerfulYank Fri 24-May-13 04:06:29

I don't have any good advice but didn't want to read and run. Sorry you're going through this.

I think it's Maryz that has good advice re teens? Someone wiser will come along!

StupidFlanders Fri 24-May-13 04:11:33

Ok, firstly; I work with challenging teenagers and I want you to know that sometimes difficult children happen to good parents.

I imagine firstly that you have children who are angry at their father. If you don't have a male role model in their life to help you talk to them I'd look into the guidance officer st school.

I would talk openly with your son then daughter about the pain they are feeling and let him know that you are too. I'd be honest about how difficult you're finding their behaviour and discuss expectations.

I can only imagine how exhausted and drained you are.

Get rid of the horse, that's a privilege she can earn.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Fri 24-May-13 04:11:59

not to mention the succession of small animals who have met their death at the hands of my daughter

You mean she deliberately killed them, or she was just negligent?

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 04:14:55

thanks for comments. there is no 'guidance officer' at school.
no not deliberate but careless and too much holding and messing about with them.

Mimishimi Fri 24-May-13 04:39:21

Oh my goodness, I could have written almost this exact post today. I've been really weepy the past 18 hours. My DH smashed up the family car last weekend because he takes three seconds between checking his blind spot and making a turn ( I know this because I've seen it). Had to endure him telling me for days it was the other guys fault ( although he was turning into the other lane). Possibly some of it was, I don't know. Then we got news it's a writeoff since it will cost more to repair than it's insured value. Then an infringement notice from the police for DH - equivalent of £150. So this week I've been walking and taking the train everywhere ... not all bad I guess since I've lost about 5lbs but we live in a bit of a dodgy area, especially at night. I have a dance performance on Sunday so have had to travel at night on the train for rehearsals a few suburbs away. Don't enjoy the stares and whistles that some slimy jerks think you're automatically entitled to if you are carrying a red flouncy skirt and shawl around. Then yesterday my DD wasn't watching where she was going and slammed into the buffet door, splitting it right open. Can't repair it. She's often breaking stuff but usually plates etc.I've been feeling pissed at her lately because she's an awesome dancer but moans and groans about practising and just won't if I leave her to it, she's careless with her stuff too, she was stealing off me earlier this year . So I told her she can pay for the bloody door with her pocket money ( which she doesn't lift a finger for but we instituted on the advice of others here on Mumsnet to stop the stealing - which it did). Then my DH comes home and goes off at me for 45 minutes, lecturing me about how if we make her pay for a mistake, she won't admit to mistakes in the future, why can't I forgive her etc ( I was really, really understanding about the car accident by the way). Sorry to hijack your thread, just feeling same way at the moment , that if anythjng happens somehow it turns out to be all my fault/problem too and I've had a gutful. I feel like going on strike !

Could you send your kids to their dad's for a while? Send the pony too smile

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 04:44:13

sorry to hear all that mimi, sounds like a parallel nightmare .....thanks
the thing about their dad is i dont really know where he lives, could be northampton, could be north london, and when my son went to him for a week or two last year he told him it was because I had failed as a parent and i had 'given him away'....poor children do not need that.

CrystalDeCanter Fri 24-May-13 04:52:59

14 - 16/18 are tricky years burberryqueen. It sounds like you could do with some support in bringing up your 2 children which you aren't getting right now. Do you have parents/friends/grandparents, that can help out? Oh sorry, just re-read what you said about your family and friends not being helpful. sad.

How long have you been a lone parent for? Are the kids angry about their dad disappearing? It must be very hurtful for you all for him to do a runner.

Do your children have someone to talk to? Another adult/counsellor/grandparent etc?

Mimishimi Fri 24-May-13 04:58:26

Oh that's lovely ... I'd be so tempted to say "Well, here you are then, you have a go". Sort of the feeling I got from DH last night too .. they have these cushy situations where they don't see kids much at all or don't fo any of the 'dirty mundane stuff' then if something goes wrong, it's obviously because our parenting skills aren't up to scratch.

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 05:23:25

have been lone parent for about 13 years i think - he didn't do a runner in the first place, I did, for good reasons like two black eyes. for several years he was not a bad weekend dad but that all changed when he met and married his new wife who does not seem to be a very nice person. Now he tells anyone who will listen how I 'prevented' contact which is odd cos i seem to remember taking them on the train to meet him every fortnight at my expense of course and him not turning up on occasion as he was too busy in the pub. or he would arrange to come and take them out and then not show up (has done that a couple of times very recently again) Then he would say that it was me who had let them down for telling them that he was coming. They do remember how it was. and so yes they do find it hurtful.

the only grandparent they have in this country is my dad who is quite old and his wife always seems a bit sneery about my failures although she has been kind and helpful in the past, so perhaps that is just her way. my son refused to go to school after getting drunk and performing a gay sex act on a schoolfriend which was filmed and distributed to several mobile phones. how can i tell my stepmother or the school that? so i had to take him out of school before i was prosecuted for non - attendance, now she says..'not in school? well that's good isn't it?' in this really sarky way - for them school and uni is everything.

god i could moan and moan but i sound so self pitying.

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 05:26:51

the school have never offered counselling although there were many meetings about his behaviour, i don't think they do that here. there was an 'anger management' person who was unqualified and broke his confidentiality.

CheerfulYank Fri 24-May-13 05:49:08

Oh honey. That all sounds awful. Maybe talk to the school again or try another counseling option? I'm American and we have different systems so I'm not much help. sad

VelvetSpoon Fri 24-May-13 06:22:14

I'm sorry I can't be of any help but I just wanted to say I really sympathise, as I have similar problems with my DC - mine are 12 and almost 15. Both couldn't care less about anything, break everything, value nothing. Any request for them to help around the house is met with shouting and screaming. Even though they have every gadget, and we live in a 5 bed house, because I don't have a car and have to work FT they tell me I am a shit parent, and everyone else is better off than them.

They are late for school several times a week (the school is only 10 mins away), do homework only when they feel like it. DS1 is very overweight yet won't stop eating, argues back constantly and doesn't care about anything, his stock response is fuck off. DS2 also doesn't think or care about anything, has (in the last 3 months) flooded the bathroom by forgetting he'd left taps running, left the fridge and the freezer open all day ruining all the food in it. He regularly gets detention for forgetting to take stuff to school, then forgets to go to the detention...unless I am on his back 24/7, he literally cannot do anything for himself.

I have no living family at all, DS1 has never met his dad, DS2's dad sees him but is a useless waste of space who is as incapable of managing his life as DS2 is. I am tempted to run away sometimes often and just leave them in this shit tip of a house. I cant remember a time when it wasn't like this. It is utterly relentless. I am not sure I believe it will even get better.

saintmerryweather Fri 24-May-13 06:51:58

i would be selling your daughters pony. it doesnt sound like she has done anything to earn something like that and she doesnt appreciate it

Mimishimi Fri 24-May-13 07:08:58

When I was a kid, we used to ride horses kept in local fields by approaching their owners and offering to brush them down/comb their tails/put a blanket on when it was cold. Sometimes they would let us use their saddles etc but often we just had to throw a blanket /bit of rope as a harness over and rode bareback. My parents were happy with that as they didn't have to worry about where to keep one. I think Mum was keen to get us some but dad said he couldn't afford it. Of course, they were a bit worried when we used to ride one particular horse who would throw us off at random grin. Owners were happy because often they were city dwellers who only came out on weekends anyway and needed their horses looked after without the expense of stabling them. Could your DD do something like that?

Dilidali Fri 24-May-13 07:09:26

brew
This can't go on. Make a plan. Put a lock on your bedroom. Sell the pony. Get some help in.
Have you got a friend that could give them a little saturday job?
They sound like they have no respect for you, no fear of consequences. Talk to the school, surely they've dealt with this before, get some guidance from them. Talk to the other parents: if they're being a pain, tell them off, you have my permission. I am sure they are really lovely kids, testing boundaries.
More importantly, take some headspace for yourself.

Mimishimi Fri 24-May-13 07:14:15

Oh VelvetSpoon, just read your post ... [hug] [hug] .

VelvetSpoon Fri 24-May-13 09:48:43

Thanks Mimi. Life is a bit crappy atm sad I know I'm not the only one who feels like this though.

raisah Fri 24-May-13 10:44:06

oh im really sorry you are going through this. My kids are younger than yours but your son behaves like my brother did 15 years ago. He was truly awful and I hated him but he had calmed down now & is sensible.

Can you sell the pony and use the money to hire a cleaner weekly/fortnightly just to give you a break. They need an outlet for their hormones/energy. I would be tempted to stick your sons in the territorial army. They need a taste of their own aggression being doled back at them & some disciplíne.

Definitely speak to the school to see if they can hep with the attendance & homework problem. If no help there then contact the education dept of your local council. Go back to the head and pressurise him/her, they have a duty of care aswell. If you say that xour sons gcse grades will suffer if it continues then it might mobilise them into doing something. Its in their interest then as they wont want it to reflect badly on them.

Can you get some home help from homestart for a respite break? They have volunteers coming to your home to help you out practically. As others have said, get them out of the house earning money. They wont want to do the duke of Edinburgh award or youth theatre but its probably what they need.

Let us know how you get on.

burberryqueen Fri 24-May-13 11:46:18

velvetspoon thanks wine
thanks for all your words everyone, it does help.
raisah that was two separate people posting.
I wouldn't go near that school with a bargepole with any problem, all they do is judge, certainly there is no support on offer. Their attitude scares me. They were bloody quick to jump in with ss and still offer no support. All they are bothered about is their 'naice' children, the ones who go on their expensive ski-trips and learn instruments, which is a handpicked few, certainly not ones with an English single mother who is having problems managing.

VelvetSpoon Fri 24-May-13 18:30:20

Burberry thank you smile and much flowers wine for you too and a sneaky non MN ((hug)). It really is crappy sometimes all this parenting stuff!

Your DC's school sounds like my DSs, I live in a totally 2 parent family area, most mums don't work, the attitude I've always had from the school is along the lines of how come I'm not there every morning to take them to school /make sure they leave on time...the idea I have to leave up to an hour beforehand to get to work utterly baffles them! Both DSs are in the highest ability groups, DS1 is top of his year, so the school don't care. So long as he gets Cs in everything that's fine with them if he does no homework or comes and goes as he pleases hmm

As for the suggestion made by a pp about D of E etc, DS1 asked to do D of E. The school only had 'space' for 10 kids (out of a year of nearly 200). He didn't get chosen. He's wanted to do rugby since he was 11 and built like a prop forward - no local schools play rugby because it's too dangerous...

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