to expect db and ds to share a room?

(40 Posts)
HalfBakedCleverCookie Thu 23-May-13 21:01:25

Genuine question as I really don't know.

Db is 20 and officially lives with us. He spends 3 nights a week here on average and 4 nights at his girlfriends. He has his own room.

Ds is 8 and shares a room with Dd 5 and dsd 5 who cones 2 nights a week.

Would I be unreasonable to ask Db to share with ds and then Dd and dsd would have a room to share?

Tomorrowslookingfine Thu 23-May-13 21:05:29

Does he pay rent?

looseleaf Thu 23-May-13 21:06:23

Of course not, is my reaction. It's your house and your family to take care of? And you sound very kind to have your DB there (I'm assuming he doesn't pay rent?)

BrianButterfield Thu 23-May-13 21:07:30

Can't imagine it'd be much fun for either of them. Plus isn't 20-yo likely to have stuff lying around that isn't suitable for a typical 8-yo to be fiddling with (not necessarily dodgy, but even aerosol deodorants, phones/iPods/tablets, lighters...)

DiscoDonkey Thu 23-May-13 21:08:48

If he is paying reasonable rent then Yabu, if not then he should be. Not sure either situation is fair on you DS though.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Thu 23-May-13 21:10:49

He pays 30£ per week in rent from his wages which covered the amount of hb we lost while I was on maternity leave.

Db has lived with me since he was 15.

Ds has Hia own tablet so wouldn't touch stuff Like that but I accept that is a fair point.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 23-May-13 21:21:58

Is your brother working towards moving out at some point, or is that not on the cards? How about contributions to food, bills etc?

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 23-May-13 21:23:35

I wouldn't, ds1 is 18 and ds2 is 10 and I wouldn't have them share although we have just moved and ds2 is now sharing with ds3 who is 2

HalfBakedCleverCookie Thu 23-May-13 21:31:15

He and his girlfriend want to but a house at some point but aren't seriously saving or anything.

thanks moomins, having ds and Dd wouldn't bother me so much if Db was here full time but the room is empty half the week. Either situation is not ideal tho.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 21:38:41

Does your brother have a girlfriend who actually believes that HB/ dwp/hmrc really do have a rule that says he's is able to cohabit with her for only a few days a week with out breaking any rules?

Yabu. Its not fair on your son and its not fair on the brother.

kinkyfuckery Thu 23-May-13 21:40:55

I would. If they were siblings, they could quite easily have to share a room with a similar age difference. Do you think he would respect that he would have to 'behave' himself if sharing a room with your DS?

HopALongMcLimpyLegs Thu 23-May-13 21:45:25

If you want him to move out, it will probably do the trick.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Thu 23-May-13 21:49:09

Sock, db's girlfriend lives with her parents, there are no rules being broken. Db stays with them wed - Sunday then comes back here Sunday pm.

Kinky, I think he would behave, he is a really nice lad, never given me any problems. I'm not worried about any problems, just not sure if its fair for him to give up his own room.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 22:08:24

That's good news for some weird reason my offices have been over run by people who think they have a rule that your gf/ bf can stay with you up to 3 nights and its ok. I have no idea why people think this but I've had so many I'm now asking random strangers in between bouts of hiding in the loo.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Thu 23-May-13 22:16:39

I always thought there was a rule like that but I haven't had need to research it before. We only claimed hb when dp got made redundant whilst I was on mat leave so he was already living here.

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 23-May-13 22:43:24

Are you in council/ha or private renting?

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 23:06:23

Moomins why does that matter?

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 23-May-13 23:16:22

Because My friend was in ha and once the eldest became 18 they moved them to a 2 bedroom as they class it as an adult sharing with a child, was just thinking that in a few years when the ops ds/dd are too old to share they might move them or rehouse the db if he is still there and in a low wage.

My old next door neighbours son was on our ha list and moved to a 1 bed flat once they we're classed as over crowded.

TigerSwallowTail Thu 23-May-13 23:38:25

No I wouldn't do it, tabu, a 20 year old shouldn't have to share a room with an 8 year old.

Cloverer Thu 23-May-13 23:49:32

A 20 year old and 8 year old sharing isn't ideal, but then neither is an 8 year old and two 5 year olds when one room is empty half the week...

I think your DS and the DDs will need separate rooms in the next couple of years, so maybe it is time to give your brother a date to move out - maybe in a year?

HalfBakedCleverCookie Fri 24-May-13 07:54:31

We are in a private rent. Db doesn't want to move out into a rented place because he and his girlfriend want to save for a mortgage. They aren't saving regularly though so its not going to be in the next few years.

I agree that neither option is ideal so thought we would go with the best in a bad bunch so to speak.

It would seem that ds & Dd & dsd are destined to share.

looseleaf Fri 24-May-13 08:12:51

Would you consider a word with DB to say you think DS could do with his own room so he thinks (hopefully) more seriously about sharing? I'd word it something like whenever you're ready and have saved enough I think it was do DS good to have his own room eventually.

looseleaf Fri 24-May-13 08:13:23

Saving I meant, not sharing!

samandi Fri 24-May-13 08:17:44

I think it's pretty unfair on an 8 year old to share with a 20 year old, especially if it's an arrangement that's going to be carrying on potentially for the next few years. Your brother is old enough to sort himself out and £30 is a pathetic weekly rent.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 24-May-13 08:21:27

adult share with child? No. YANBU. That's not fair on either of them.

Yonihadtoask Fri 24-May-13 08:22:51

Well, I had to share a room with my dsis. I was 10 when she was born. I had my own room until then. I left home at 18. It was difficult having to clamber into my bunk bed at 2am after lots of lager..

Soon your younger dc won't be of the age for room sharing. So something will have to change.

Agree that you need to have a word with DB, that you will need to move DS into his room and what are his intentions.

It could spur on his savings plan.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 24-May-13 08:24:08

It sounds like you really need a bigger place, to be honest, and in the meantime ask your brother to move out. The house must be absolutely crammed. You should prioritise your children - you do not have room for DB.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 24-May-13 09:27:30

Why are they destined to share?

One needs to live with you because he's your child the other just fancys doing so to save money.

diddl Fri 24-May-13 09:32:44

Move your brother out-think of your kids!

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Fri 24-May-13 09:42:32

Could you not sit your brother down and present the options? Explain you love him dearly and don't want to force him out but it isn't fair on the three young children*. So either he has your DS in his room or moves elsewhere? I don't think adults and children sharing rooms is ideal, but if it isn't every night and he is feeling self conscious sharing with two girls it may well be preferable.

*caveat, if their room is enormous, and you could eg put a screen up for some privacy and seperate space, maybe do that instead?

FWIW, I never saved properly until I moved out of my parents and started paying a proper rent (even though it was much much harder to do so). Because that was the point when I realised,"oh this is WHY adults have jobs! Because they need food and shelter! Its worth going without some fun stuff to make sure I'm more secure for the longer term."

By the way, his desire (and the girls') for seperate space will only increase as they get older, so even if you decide not to do this now, you must think, when? When DS is 11? 14? (6 years away yes, but DB will only be 26 and lots of adults nowadays live at home at that age).

HalfBakedCleverCookie Fri 24-May-13 09:45:58

I think because he has lived with us from being 15 so still a child I still think of him as such. Telling him to move out hadn't even occured to me as an option.

Branleuse Fri 24-May-13 09:48:04

yes i would

Cloverer Fri 24-May-13 09:51:11

A man of 20 or 21 is more than old enough to move out of the family home imo!

Living at home so you can have cheap rent/save up is a luxury really, and shouldn't be at the expense of younger siblings.

chesticles Fri 24-May-13 09:52:24

I think you should speak to your brother and discuss with him the pressures on space in the house, and what might need to happen now, or in the very near future. Realistically it's going to take years to save for a deposit to buy a house.

The other alternative is does dsd stay on different nights to your brother? Could she sleep in his room? Still not ideal but if the room is empty when she is there, the the other room with ds and dd is overcrowded it's a possibility

Myinboxisfull Fri 24-May-13 09:58:58

I can understand that you don't want to ask your db to move out. It's lovely that you are all living together and that you want to help him.

Since he moved in your family has grown and he's now an adult. I don't think that your ds should have to share a room with him, different ages, needs and interests etc. Your db is paying a token rent only and I'd suggest that you sit down with your db and talk to him about it. It might be worth finding a larger place for you all to rent with him starting to pay a more appropriate amount for his board and lodging ie pay the extra expense that it is costing you to provide this. He may decide that he wants to get a place with his gf.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Fri 24-May-13 10:00:47

You don't have to tell him to move out. You can treat him as the adult he is by giving him the alternatives, stressing that you don't want to force his hand, and let him reach a sensible decision as an adult.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Fri 24-May-13 12:47:02

Thanks for some very good advice.

A brief update - db's girlfriends parents have offered for him to move in with them while they save up. He's not made his decision yet.

Is room big enough divide ? I have wardrobes splitting room ds3 age 7 one side . Ds1 age 19 on the other

loopyluna Fri 24-May-13 13:41:14

Another possible compromise -sort out the room for the two of them, including lockable storage for DB. DS has this as his room when DB is not there but bunks with the girls when DB is home.
Not ideal but it would allow DB to move out gradually and DS to gradually get his own space...?

Snazzywaitingforsummer Fri 24-May-13 20:48:15

I think there are a lot of 20 yos in this position - not being consciously selfish but not fully aware of the real costs to their family of them staying in the family home, with all its advantages, and paying a token amount to do so. It's not unreasonable to have a talk with your DB and make him aware of this - at 20 with a long-term gf he should be able to cope with the idea that there are choices to be made in life, and that potentially in return for the sweet deal he gets money-wise he has to be prepared to share some of his space, so that others in the house get a fair amount of space too.

I was also sort of thinking like loopyluna but the other way around - DS stays in his room when only DD is there but if DB is at his gf's at the weekends, when DSD comes(?) then DS could move to the 'big boy room' for that time? In fact, could you ask DB to co-ordinate his time at his gf's to make that kind of sharing possible?

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