to ask for positive pnd outcome stories?

(483 Posts)
CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 16:41:08

Have finally admitted i have pnd. I've had depression before so i know i have a slow road to recovery ahead. I would so appreciate anyone else's stories of how they overcame pnd. I need some reassurance at the moment.

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 16:45:54

Anyone?

ballinacup Wed 22-May-13 16:48:57

I had PND with DS. It hit me like a brick wall.

I was supposed to love him, not hate him. I was supposed to leap to him at every whimper brimming with maternal instinct, rather than pulling the duvet over my head and seething with resentment at him.

I don't have time to post as much as I'd like as I have to get away to pick the beautiful, wonderful, amazing little guy up from nursery. But it gets better. Every day the fog lifts a tiny bit and eventually it all fades into insgnificance.

Oh, and they don't remember. Really, truly they don't.

wonderingsoul Wed 22-May-13 16:51:11

well done, addmiting theres a problem is half way to recovery.
i had pre and post depression with ds1, i went through tthe basic care of what i HAD to do, it wasnt because i wanted to sit their cuddling him, but i knew i had to do it so did. fake it till you make it was my motto for almost a year.

have you spoke to your gp? mine arranged group theorpy, there was about 10 other woman there, and we talked, sometimes we did art while talking, the other things i found usefull was, espp first thing in the morning, was to blast some music and dance around to it while feeding lo, it helped me and helped lo one.

another was to come up with a key word, some simple.. like apple or blue which you could say to your other half or friend just to let them know your feeling esspially down, and its not thier fault, allow them to know when you need that extra bit of tlc kind of thing, also means you dont have to explain your self.

there is loads of h elp out there, people are supportive, you may come along few dick heads but your find alot of people on hear to listen and hand hold if nothing else. xx

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 16:52:14

Thank you.

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 16:55:18

I've started ads but other than that there is no support available. Friends and dh have been very good though.

sooperdooper Wed 22-May-13 16:55:57

My mum had PND when she had me, she was hospitaslised and I was in there with her until I was 3 months old

And I'm fine and she's fine!! Infact I had no idea whatsoever until I was about 25ish that it even happened, so it had no long lasting effects on either of us, or on our relationship, I love my mum to bits smile

You've made the first step admitting you need some help, take the help that's needed and take one day at at time. You will get better, and you will feel better in the end, there's no timescale, just take your time

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 16:56:38

I was fine with ds so it's a shock to feel this way with dd.

Dawndonna Wed 22-May-13 16:57:03

I had pnd after ds, now 28. He doesn't remember. I don't remember the worst of it now. I do remember a fabulously helpful Health visitor who'd come in, put the kettle on and do the ironing for me. And a wonderful friend who took him to mother and baby groups for me. We're really close and he's as sensible and lovely as they come.
I hope you feel better soon.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 16:57:53

First off I'm sorry you are suffering OP. It is not a nice situation and I feel for you. Yes I had PND. I was very stubborn and too proud to admit it for several months. It was very, very grim. I had all kinds of extremely dark thoughts and felt panicky going anywhere outside of my house. I felt totally inadequate and like I didn't deserve my lovely DD. Anyway, I managed it by talking to friends and family. I didn't go to my Dr but know I should have. I did anything that made me feel better and to get through the days. Coffee helped...not being flippant, it really did. Having a routine, forcing myself to go outside to the park, anywhere really. Also avoiding unsympathetic friends...one in particular who accused me of being "overdramatic".

Fast forward a year. I was driving home from work one day and I suddenly realised that I felt like "myself" again for the first time since DD was born. I still had brief relapses but basically it gradually went and I started to enjoy being a mum. In fact I felt so amazingly well once it went it was really a lovely time for me and Dd.

I so hope you have support and that you feel happier soon. I know it is truly horrible.

Fairypants Wed 22-May-13 16:59:28

I had pnd with both dc's. Is this your first? How old is your dc? Have you got any support? These will all affect how you recover but I can tell you what helped me.
I found it easier to cope when I 'owned up' because it ment I was kinder to myself but I also had difficulties getting support as I'm such a people pleaser I would put on a fake smile to stop people feeling awkward. I therefore had no support from anyone as they just forgot I told them :/

I didn't want drugs but did look up all the aromatherapy and complimentary stuff and had a go at blending myself. It smelt good but I have no idea if it helped beyond being a physical manifestation of my choice to get better. I came out of it after about 2 yrs with dd1 and 1 yr with dd2 and the only bout of depression I have had since was when my mum was dying which I think is pretty normal.
Hth

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 17:00:13

I can't tell you how much these stories help thank you

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 17:02:32

Fairy - it's dc2. Didn't have it with dc1 who's 2.

GingerPCatt Wed 22-May-13 17:04:13

I went on ADs when DS was 3 mo and it was the best thing ever. I felt like I could step away from the cliff edge. He's nearly 2 now and I'm off ADs and feel like myself again. I do have low days occasionally when DS is acting up or I have pmt.
Talk to your gp, HV, dp, and anyone else you feel comfortable with. You will get through it.

On a totally different note, try adding almonds or ground almonds to your diet. B12 can help depression.

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 17:06:34

What ads did you have ginger?

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 17:20:53

My main concern is my relationship with dd.

Szeli Wed 22-May-13 17:21:18

Get the support, try peri natal councilling, tell every health professional you come accross and get yourself in the system.

If you have a friend with a similar aged child see if they can go to groups with you. Getting out of the house helps me immensely and stops me 'wallowing'.

Fake it til you make it.

I was treated for pre and post natal depression, was told they expected me to have a psychotic breakdown following childbirth and now after hours and hours of psychological assessments and seeing the consultant I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and prescribed medication which I will probably be on for the rest of my life.

But you know what? I don't mind, because now I know there's a reason I've been feeling strange and this help mean my son hopefully won't ever have to see me 'poorly' and that lifts a little cloud all by itself.

Well done for accepting something's wrong, now you can work on making it right. I wish you the very best x

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 17:23:27

Thank you szeli

Solola Wed 22-May-13 17:51:50

I had pnd with all 3 DCs and also during the pregnancy with DS3. I'm still taking ADs and DS3 is now 2.5 years.

But, I feel great and once the ADs kicked in I really enjoyed DS3's early babyhood which I hadn't been able to with the other two. Most people don't know I'm taking ADs but am not secretive. I'll tell people about it if I think it would be helpful to them or to me.

I found that having had this experience, however horrible it has been for me, has given me opportunities to help other people going through it for the first time and to be able to empathise with other friends and family experiencing depression.

Example, today I was able to go and pick up a lady I know only slightly who had her first baby two weeks ago. Her DH contacted us and asked if we could help as she is not sleeping, very anxious etc and I took her with me to a group of really supportive mums I know. I was able to listen to how she is feeling, advise her on ADs, sleeping and most of all to say that there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

At times when feeling down I do feel like I've failed at being a 'happy, natural' parent but when I am thinking rationally, I realise that I do get a lot of compliments about my parenting and get asked for advice a lot and the best thing I can do is be real to my children and to others and not deny the fact that I've had problems too.

OnceUponAThyme Wed 22-May-13 17:57:32

I had post natal psychosis and depression. I was hospitalized with my dd until I was controlled by medication, and it was the hardest time of my life. everything was a struggle, then the guilt I had about it. it was a nightmare for me and my dh as well.
my dd is 4 now, I love her more than anything and she loves me. she doesn't remember her first year, she only knows I love her and I'd say our relationship is perfect how it is. it does get better. its not your fault. never be guilty. and talk as much as helps you thanks

sparkle101 Wed 22-May-13 17:58:41

Hi
I had pnd with dd. I didn't realise there was a name for it, just thought it was my hormones. However it wasn't normal I was so pleased to leave her and go to the shop and didn't want to go back. It came to a head when I held a knife to my wrist.

I went to my doctors and had a year of counselling and now it's like it's never happened. Dd is as close to me as ever, she doesn't remember anything and is cuddly and affectionate. This was almost three years ago and I am now pregnant with ds.

Talk to people, they are more understanding than you believe they would be, by talking you can quite often rationalise things in your head and people want to help.

Badvoc Wed 22-May-13 18:00:33

I had late onset pnd with ds1.
It was horrific.
I was on meds for about 6 months and things got much better...I slept. Started to eat again...
Had ds2 3.5 years later smile
I think admitting it is the hardest step TH...at least it was for me.
Good luck op x

Weegiemum Wed 22-May-13 18:09:45

I had PND after all 3 dc. I was depressed until eldest dc was 7, having had 2 more dc inthe meantime. I had 4 hospital admissions, one to psychiatry,others for suicide attempts. I was very ill.

I'm now free of all medication. Still with the fab dh who looked after me through it. 5-6 years later, I'm doing ok, I had a lot of therapy. My dc are fantastic - got a normally awful teenager, an in-training for teenager-hood 11 year old and a still rather-nice 9yo.

The thingis, they're normal kids. Even after my awful PND, I've got kids like any other. That's the thing that make my life good. I didn't think it ever would be, but it is!

K8Middleton Wed 22-May-13 18:14:53

I have had antenatal depression with both and PND with dc2 which was milder than the depression in pregnancy.

I made progress once i faced up to it and with black humour. I refer to it as having "a dose of the mentals", Doing Practical Repetitive Tasks and avoiding everything that mattered to me that was non-child related - work, academia, holidays, childless friends - keeping that unsullied by my mentals.

It's pretty much gone now she is nearly 7mo but it does sort of linger in the background. I keep a careful eye and will go to GP if the mentals start to take over again.

My family relationships are ok because I just casually tip dh off, get ironing/baking/regrouting/painting/setting up a database and wait for it to pass. If I had to talk about it to him or my family I would find it excruciating. It's ok on here though, even though I know people in RL know my posting name. It's the slight seperation and compartmentalism from reality that helps.

So although I'm not over it, I'm ok, functioning and love my dc very much. I went a bit numb about everything including dh and the dc for a while but it passed without lasting damage.

I don't think I will have another baby though because the pregnancy depression was too much.

<<<<<<supportive squeeze>>>>>>>

resipsa Wed 22-May-13 18:22:22

Sorry to hear that you're suffering but acknowledgment is half the battle. I had it after DD. It came to a head when she was admitted to hospital. When we got back, I just looked at her and said that I wanted to put her up for adoption. I meant it. I had no connection and it all seemed hopeless but day by day (with the help of DM (a psychiatrist which helped!), DH and a fab HV), I began to feel better and within about 6 weeks, the worst was gone. And now when DD breaks my heart (in a good way) 50 times a day, I wonder at how I could ever have felt that way. She has no recollection of it, obviously. Get some support and it WILL get better, I promise. I got told this and doubted it cause I felt so very low but it was true.

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 19:29:48

Thank you so much for sharing your stories it really does help.

Latara Wed 22-May-13 20:40:19

I've not had PND (no children yet) but i'm recovering from Depression (again) this time with a Psychotic Episode.

I can't begin to understand what PND is like obviously, but hopefully my story may help a bit.

I take Venlafaxine M/R, now increased to 300mg daily, as an AD; and i take Aripiprazole 15mg as an Anti-Psychotic.

The Venlafaxine is good, i originally took 225mg - it took 12 WEEKS to fully kick in though, and since having to increase the dose at the beginning of May this year i'm expecting it to take as long to fully take effect.
I still feel 'flat' but not as depressed as i was in April.
But i do feel very drowsy both due to the depression and the increase in meds.

The Aripiprazole has worked so far for the Psychosis although i initially got some 'breakthrough' symptoms.

I'm under the care of an NHS Psychiatrist and can phone the duty CCO or Crisis Team if necessary. I've seen a Psychologist in the past but this time it's only meds that can really help.
I was referred to the Psychiatrist by my GP about 4 years ago now when the depression first got bad.

I can't begin to understand how PND feels or what that is like; but what i've gone through is very bad - depression is shitty and messes up your life. But you can get through the other side.

My depression is Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder which is different to PND; hopefully you will get better once you have the correct treatment and it won't recur. Good luck x

formicadinosaur Wed 22-May-13 20:50:28

Sorry have to be quick - got to go out. Was very teary when my baby boy was 6 months (DS2). Talked to my midwife and ended up having CBT therapy over the phone once a week for 8 weeks. It really helped me move forward. I managed to list and change many of the things I was struggling with - my thought patterns, sleep arrangments, got a cleaner, learnt to say do less, started to look after myself in various ways. I'm a year and a half down the line and am 85% better. Almost there!

It will pass, theres lots you can do to help yourself.

Latara Wed 22-May-13 20:55:25

I meant to add that there are different types of ADs which work for different people.

I initially tried Citalopram then Sertraline, which are both SSRIs they work on the Serotonin in the brain.

The Venlafaxine is an SNRI which works on both Serotonin and Noradrenaline - Drs may try one type initially and see what works best for you.

LaQueen Wed 22-May-13 22:35:16

So sorry to hear this Cailin. I promise you PND does go away, sooner or later. It doesn't last. You will recover.

I was diagnosed with PND, just 3 weeks after DD1 was born. To be honest, I knew something was very wrong, before I'd even left the hopsital.

Within just those few days I went from being a very confident, outgoing, capable girl, who took the world in her stride - to a tearful, helpless wreak who couldn't even cope with getting herself showered/dressed in the morning.

Every day I was crippled with swooping feelings of despair, and felt like I was just falling down an endless deep black hole, that had no bottom. Whenever I looked at DD1 I just felt numb, or blind panic. I kept her beautifully clean, and dressed and very well fed...but, I just felt numb towards her, there was no bond, nothing sad

My GP was excellent, diagnosed PND and put me on anti-ds. These did work, in that they switched off all the feelings of despair/panic - which enabled me to function, again. And, through being able to function again, and do routine tasks I think my mind was kinda tricked into assuming I was getting better...and it became a self fulfillling prophecy IYSWIM?

DD1 was 5 months old, before I felt the first inklings of love/concern for her. I remember it so clearly, we were in a rowing boat on Ullswater, and I realised I was actually worried that the boat might tip, and she might come to harm. This was such a relief to me, and I actually cried because up until then I had thought I was some kind of monster because I couldn't feel anything for my baby.

That was the turning point. Gradually over the next months I slowly fell in love with DD1, although there were still black days, when the despair came back. And, even when I was convinced I was cured...looking back, I realise I clearly wasn't. For a very long time I was very rigid in my routines/behaviour and flew into a rage/panic if my routine was disrupted.

But, I can honestly say that by the time DD1 reached 2.5, I was genuinely cured, and back to my normal self smile

Nowadays, I just think DD1 is utterly beautiful in every way (which she is), and I love her so much that it sometimes catches at my throat when I breath. And, although I hate my PND for stealing those first months/years from me, in a way it has made me appreciate DD1 so much more, and I never take the love I feel for her, for granted.

LaQueen Wed 22-May-13 22:46:31

Sorry, forgot to add Cailin, please don't worry about your DD, she really won't remember a thing.

From being a very tiny little girl, DD1 has always told me 'I love you, more than my heart, Mummy' - and she is the sunniest natured, most affectionate child you could ever hope to meet. My HV assured me that DD1 couldn't be such a sunny, loving toddler if she didn't feel completely loved and secure.

So I can't think that my PND damaged her in any way (which I was terrified of at the time)

flippinada Wed 22-May-13 22:50:29

I had very severe PND. Am off to bed now (up at sparrowfart) but am marking my place so I can do a proper post later.

Sending you kind thoughts Cailin PND is so tough.

Just briefly, I remember one of my CPNs saying to me, when I was in the absolute depths "I can't say this to all my clients but I promise you this, you will get better".

I hope you can take some small comfort from that. Apols if it sounds fatuous.

Oopla Wed 22-May-13 22:54:57

Cailindana- I remember you from stately homes. Sorry to hear your feeling down just now.

To throw another angle at this I think sometimes at different points in our life our children bring up points in our own childhoods that cause us to feel quite dark. You are a fantastic mum, remember you speaking about your ds. You'll come through this and your relationship with dd will be just as close and caring.

I had quite a turbulent 12 months with both my boys but It passed. It does get better but is slow, and sometimes moves back a little before coming forward.

Keep talking xx

BustyDeLaGhetto Wed 22-May-13 22:58:49

Hi Cailin so sorry to hear you are suffering. I had severe PND with something called Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia which is about as much fun as it sounds.

They were very dark days but I am improving. I'm SHATTERED so going to bed now but I wrote about this once for a magazine and it'salso published on my blog - I'm not going to spam up your thread with links but can email you a linky if you wanted to see the post - it's intended to be a positive story even if it reading it does sound about as much fun as swallowing a pine cone.

REMEMBER A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE OF THE BODY DOES NOT EQUAL A WEAKNESS IN THE MIND.

Big Hugs.

castlesintheair Wed 22-May-13 22:59:24

I first developed depression in my early teens (or younger) and it manifested itself into PND. I was really very ill with it. I was on ADs and had counselling for a while. The best thing though were the changes I made to my life i.e. severing family ties that were at the root of my problems. My eldest DC is nearly 12 and I have never been happier. My DCs are completely unaffected by it. That could partly be because I have always been very good at hiding things and I was fortunate enough to bond with them all and love them from the start. It was just everything else that was wrong.

It's awful now but it won't last and you will get better. Don't be afraid to get all the help you need.

BustyDeLaGhetto Wed 22-May-13 22:59:56

P.s Like flippinada I was also told the same thing. It WILL get better.

LittleMissLucy Wed 22-May-13 23:20:59

I had it and it wore off, eventually. There is light at the end of the tunnel and for me it was reached largely through gaining the chance to sleep. My DH and I had to be very kind to each other and take shift naps to catch up on bad nights. It took a while.

pinkballetflats Wed 22-May-13 23:42:03

It does go away, and I have a wonderful relationship with DC now. Do you have support OP? Lack of support and judgement I found just made it worse.

Be kind to yourself. Things do get better. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Avoid anyone who judges you and endeavours to use it as a way to manipulate you.

It WILL get better.

domesticslattern Wed 22-May-13 23:46:40

Others have said it so well already, acknowledging that you have PND is the most important part of getting well again.
I had roaring PND with DD1, so bad that once a stranger took me into her house when she found me literally sat in the gutter with both me and baby crying our eyes out. I think it was very dark for only a couple of months, especially around 4-6 months iirc, then gradually we started to get it together, benefit from counselling, get out and about a little. Do try to be honest with friends and family and reach out and accept their help. I found gentle exercise helped me, good diet, sleeping, time to myself. I also found something very reassuring on mn, where a poster theorised that different mothers find different stages of childhood easier or harder to parent. I thought, maybe I am not a monumentally terrible mother full stop, maybe I am just not all that good at parenting babies. Maybe I will find older children easier- and amazingly that is what has happened.
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, be kind to yourself, it will come, even if it doesn't feel that way now. Many many many of us have trod the same path, you are not alone.

emblosion Thu 23-May-13 00:17:52

Like LaQueen said ^ I knew something was wrong before even leaving the hospital with ds & was diagnosed with pnd at about 3/4 weeks after he was born.

I was utterly terrified that I was actually losing my mind, that I would somehow hurt him or myself and at my worst I couldn't bear to be alone. He was probably about 3 months old before I felt at all like I had bonded with him. That does still make me sad, but I know he doesn't remember.

He's coming up to 12 months now and he's a great little boy, I love him like nothing else, like he's part of me. It sort of crept up on me in degrees.

I am still on sertraline, and that has really helped me. Other things I found helpful were being as honest as I could be about how I was feeling with friends and family, accepting help etc & taking one moment at a time - everything passes, you WILL feel better. Hang in there x

emblosion Thu 23-May-13 00:21:53

And, yes as others have said, more people than you'd ever suspect have been through v similar - you are not alone.

Final tip - its not a straight road to recovery, expect ups & downs etc, but you'll get there. One day you'll just realise you feel like yourself again smile

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 07:54:03

Thank you all. Facing into another day. Dd has her jabs today. Dreading it.

LaQueen Thu 23-May-13 08:31:37

Domestic don't know whether it was my post which helped you, but I've often thought and written about how I was pretty useless at the baby/toddler stage - but felt I really came into my own once they started school.

Yet, I have friends who adored the baby/toddler stage - but nowadays aren't enjoying their 7/8/9 year olds nearly as much.

Growing up I was never very girly, or into babies, or baby dolls. I was always very bookish, loved peace and quiet and was quite an independent person who liked spontaneity. It only stands to reason that I would find it so hard to adapt to having a newborn.

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 08:37:32

I think i'm similar laqueen.

LaQueen Thu 23-May-13 08:39:52

Cailin my HV went through a test with me (can't remember what it was called), and I basically ticked just about all the classic pre-indicators of someone prone to PND.

She actually said 'Well, I would have been more surprised if you hadn't got PND, to be honest'

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 09:02:33

Thing is, i was fine when ds was a baby.

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 09:07:25

I'm wishing these days away. I know i'll regret that.

Weegiemum Thu 23-May-13 09:15:57

Your HV or GP can do the "Edinburgh" test with you. It's easy to find online too. This is a good example and includes the scoring. Scoring 10 means depression. I scored 29 first time!! But am better now.

LaQueen Thu 23-May-13 09:22:53

Cailin a lot of the boxes I ticked were to do with what had happened in my life during the previous 12 months before DD1 was born.

In that year I had suffered a miscarriage, moved house, got married, and 2 GPs had died. My HV said that all those upheavels, coupled with my type of personality - just meant that by the time DD1 arrived I just had no resources left to cope with yet another upheavel.

Could it be that your life has been more stressful for a while, this time around with your DD?

domesticslattern Thu 23-May-13 13:07:43

Yes Lequeen I think it was you. I took a great deal of solace from that five years ago.

The funny thing Cailin is that I don't regret wishing the days away. I feel sad yes that things turned out that way, but not regret. When I recovered, my primary feeling was total awe at my own strength for getting through, and a total determination to love my daughter to bits. I felt a great deal of kindness for my old depressed self, far from beating myself up/ regret/ anger. I had been mentally ill, not weak, not a loser. I hope you have a similar experience.

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 14:48:39

That is incredibly reassuring thank you domestic.

insanityscratching Thu 23-May-13 15:03:22

Well my story is pretty long but essentially started with pnd soon after ds3's birth, triggered I think because I knew something was wrong. Very unsupportive GP, ignorant HV. Became psychotic and was sectioned after huge doses of medication everything from anti d's, anti psychotics, lithium, tranquilisers and later ECT had no effext.
Left hospital after a month, ds was a year old. Slowly recovered, ds diagnosed with severe autism (I'd got the answer I needed) and weaned myself off of all medication with support of psychiatrist.
Had a daughter when ds was 8, agreed to be overseen by psych, no problems, no medication and he discharged me when dd was 1.
Ds now 18, dd is 10 and have been well and with no medication for more than 15 years now not bad really because ds is pretty draining and dd also has autism.
Sending you hugs, hang in there, it can and will get better.

LaQueen Thu 23-May-13 15:57:27

I'm glad it helped you Domestic smile

LaQueen Thu 23-May-13 15:59:47

Cailin please try really hard, not to regret that you're wishing this time.

I did exactly that. But, I don't regret it too much. Because I never, ever take for granted how I feel about DD1, or how strong our bond is now. I sometimes think that if I hadn't had PND, I would have been perhaps quite blithe and blase about my DDs - because, I'm very blase and blithe by nature.

But, instead PND really taught me to truly value them, and to really enjoy how I feel about them, and to treasure it smile

nananaps Thu 23-May-13 16:07:26

Hi,
I had pnd with my first baby. Didnt tell anyone until he was about 2 1/2.
Got ads and wish more than anything in this world that i had gone sooner and got them. They saved me.
Was only on them for about 12 months.

This time (ds2 is 4 months) i am fine, but know i will recognise the symtoms and will get to the Drs asap.

All is well now smile

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 23-May-13 16:14:49

It does get better - honestly. My situation was a bit different as we adopted DD. I felt like PAD was is a totally taboo subject, as didn't think people would understand how I could feel like I did, when I had gone through so much to get her. Plus there were no hormonal changes etc to blame.

So I didn't ask for help. No one knows how bad it was, not even DH really. I was in a black hole and just wanted to run away. I wanted my old life back - I felt angry then desolate.

So as a previous poster has put it, I faked it. I put on a brave face, went out almost every day to one group or other (and cried when I got home). Then slowly things got better - the first time she threw her arms round my neck was a moment i will never forget.

And after some months, with setbacks along the way, I climbed out of that darkness, my bond could not be stronger with DD. I love her beyond words. And that time almost feels like a dream. Thankfully she is so young, she hopefully will not remember.

If I were in that situation again, I would ask for help, without a doubt. Good luck Cailin

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 17:14:02

Thank you happiest.

flippinada Thu 23-May-13 19:56:43

I'm so upset as I had a huge long post typed out, hit the wrong button and lost it. Bloody, bloody computer!! There are some lovely, moving posts on here.

Briefly, I suffered with very severe PND after the birth of my DS mearly 9 years ago and was hospitalised like weegiemum I can very accurately describe it as being like hell on earth, or what I imagine hell to be like. I couldn't bear to touch or be anywhere near my son, I couldn't sleep, couldn't relax, hated, hated, hated being mother and felt like I'd made the worst mistake of my like. I felt as though my son would be better off in care with someone who could love him properly (which I think shows my state of mind).

Thankfully I had wonderful support from two incredible health visitors, who diagnosed my PND and helped save my life. Just as well as my XP was an EA bully sad.

However, I recovered and now life is wonderful. I'm a single parent to the most wonderful, loving, happy, bright little boy and life is great. I never could have imagined being so content and fulfilled (a bit more money wouldn't go amiss but hey) . Despite his less than ideal start to life I don't regret having him for a minute.

flippinada Thu 23-May-13 20:02:20

Oh dear, epic punctuation and spelling fail!

What helped me was ADs (I took them for 18 months), counselling (my first session I just sobbed, literally sobbed, for an hour and said over and over @I can't cope, I just can't cope'), and some wonderful, amazing support from committed health professionals.

If anyone offers help, take it with both hands. Be kind to yourself. Know that you will get through it and 'this too shall pass'.

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 20:04:16

Thank you flippin. I haven't been offered any support beyond medication which really surprised me.

flippinada Thu 23-May-13 20:09:49

I'm very sorry to hear that. Are you in the Uk? Do you have friends and family who can help? Just having someone to take on a bit of practical stuff can help.

If you can afford it, I would recommend counselling as I think that was crucial for me, just having a space to myself.

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 20:12:42

I have great friends but no family. I'll look into counselling although dd won't take a bottle so will have to crack that first.

flippinada Thu 23-May-13 20:20:31

Great friends count for a lot. Keep talking here too, in fact whatever helps, do it smile.

I think for me it took a week or so for the ADs to kick in, but of course everyone is different.

marriedinwhiteagain Thu 23-May-13 20:27:20

I haven't read all of this OP but I had pnd after dS1. Partly due to realising how bad my relationship with my own mother was; partly due to breast feeding problems; partly due to poor post natal care in the community linked to failure to grieve and lack of support when I miscarried the first baby at 17 weeks.

DS2 died shhortly after being born at 27 weeks and I have blanks about the following 51 weeks and don't think DS got much parenting in that year. However medically I was regarded as high risk and was very well looked after by the elderly obstetrician fromm heaven.

DD was born 51 weeks after DS2 died and happily all was well and there was no recurrence.

Good luck OP - look after yourself and make sure everyone else does too.

Oh and DS has nno memory of any of it - none at all - except that he felt jealous of his sister ( at three yrs five months - but it neVer showed and we didn't know until the DC wrote a story about jealousy in Y2 and we read it at parents' evening).

Sure all will be well. Good luck xxxxx.

Hi,
It took me 3 months to admit I had pnd, I plodded on feeling ashamed of how I felt and hoping it would go away but it didn't. I went to baby groups and to exercise groups in the park, so I was getting out & getting fresh air, but I'd cry at home and think she deserved a better mum and would be better off without me.

Warped logic made me think that as I didn't know where the perfect mum for her was, (she might be in a little village in India or already have lots of children) I'd better stick around.

I was on ADs for 5 months (dd was 8 months when i began taking them) and felt so much better - nicely fuzzy but still ashamed of being on them. I didn't tell DH until I'd been on them a month, he hadn't realised anything was amiss.

Nearly 2 years on, I don't feel like that anymore and haven't for a while. It doesn't feel like it at the time but "this too shall pass".

Admitting it and getting help was the tough for me, so well done (intended in unpatronizing way!).

All the best to you.

NoobyNoob Thu 23-May-13 20:39:27

So sorry to hear you're not too good.

I had it with my DS who is now three - but it came back with a frigging vengeance after I had DD (15 months). This is my account - it's not nice and I'm so sorry if I offend

I remember calling my DH screaming that I was going to kill her. I had the pillow ready to smother her because she would NOT shut up crying. She'd cry all day...all night and in between. I would imagine my life without her and smile at the very thought. She was a massive mistake - the pregnancy was rough, the birth was agonising, and then there she was totally ruining our unit of three.

It just got worse and worse until I lost it well and truly. DH came home to find me in a heap on the kitchen floor with DS screaming in her car seat with her coat still on (I had tried to go out but never made it through the door)

He tended first to her and called the HV in the process. She came over in a heartbeat and took me to the child safeguarding team at the hospital where I was interviewed, assessed and kept overnight on the mental illness ward. I was prescribed all manner of drugs, counselling and CBT.

After that, I went home dazed confused and not entirely sure what the hell to do. Both sets of grandparents live abroad and no friends knew what was going on, so my DH had time off to help me - which was rubbish because he's self-employed so he didn't get paid.

Things got easier, but not for a long while. Everyday for two hours I had the safeguarding team round with a doctor to asses how I was coping with my daughter. I never felt so useless and worthless. This carried on until December last year when they were finally happy to sign me off.

Since then, I'm still taking medicine but I feel so much better. I have never loved my beautiful daughter so much in my life, and my love for her is getting stronger everyday. The thing is she wasn't a mistake - she was very much planned. I couldn't see past that and I can't think about it because mu thoughts back then towards her were just wrong, nasty and despicable. DH and I don't really talk about what happened - and I guess we should. The only thing he has ever said to me was that he had never, ever seen me looking so empty which broke my heart. I put him through so much too and I forget that a lot.

There is light at the end of the tunnel - it's long and bumpy but with the right support, medication or counselling or whatever treatment you decide is best you will beat this crappy illness. I would swear but I've forgotten how to do it on here!

xx

CailinDana Fri 24-May-13 06:34:12

I really appreciate you all sharing your experiences. It's tough to see the light at times. Dd slept through last night and i still feel like utter crap.

I had horrific depression with my daughter in 2010 culminating in a huge breakdown and not bring able to cope, being scared of taking to people leaving the house etc, I was an anxious wreck, my Hv noticed and my Gp put me on citalopram , It really helped me, I came off it end of last year due to pregnancy again and I'm not on it anymore despite having my newest daughter 8 weeks ago , its early days but doing really well and no signs of it so far.

I also had CPN all through my pregnancy but I think they may be discharging me next visit :-)

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Fri 24-May-13 06:43:16

noobynoob I think your honesty is amazing.

NoobyNoob Fri 24-May-13 07:12:44

I wrote it last night Unicorns and then burst into tears haha! I've never written it down before then read it back - quite bizarre and it felt like it wasn't my post!

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Fri 24-May-13 07:45:02

nooby Its really brave to be so honest and there may be somebody reading your post who has had a lot of comfort knowing they are not alone. Im really pleased you received some support and have got through it. smile

CailinDana Fri 24-May-13 07:49:45

I feel totally clueless with dd, i'm constantly anxious about her wanting something. I feel like i'm constantly being tested on something i know nothing about. It's exhausting.

HanShotFirst Fri 24-May-13 08:28:03

I had antenatal and postnatal depression with both pregnancies, and I had previously been diagnosed with depression.

My HV and family noticed something wasn't right after the birth of DS1, and it all spilled out out terrible I felt during the pg and how I felt numb now and like it would be better if I just left and never came back as I was no good for DS and my family. After a visit from the GP, I came away with Sertraline and attended counselling sessions. After a couple of months, I felt much better, so decided to come off the ADs. This was not a good idea, however, and I ended up right back where I had started with withdrawal symptoms as well. My family didn't know I wasn't taking them anymore but when I started withdrawing from everything, they twigged and I started back on them again. After a year or so, I weaned myself off and was ok.

For DS2, I spent every day during pg crying, and I just wasn't myself, but managed to get through it with support from friends and family, as well as the GP and MWs. After the pg I use felt myself falling off again, despite having a great experience postnatally than I did with DS1. Once again, I was on Sertraline for around 10 months and then I began weaning myself off again.

I am going through a really low period now, and am just trying to get any feelings back, as I'm quite numb to everything. I am trying not to be too harsh with myself, as I expect too much when I know that I'm not well and that's what I think you should keep in mind cailin. Your DD won't be affected by any of this - my two are completely fine.

Be kind to yourself and try not to beat yourself up for how you're feeling - you've made the right move towards getting better and now you st have to take each day as it comes.

Apparentlychilled Fri 24-May-13 08:28:56

Hi Cailin
I had PND twice (dd is 4.5 and ds is 19 months). 1st time round a friend pointed it out to me and I had 6 sessions of counselling on the NHS and then about a year of private counselling (but no ADs). I went back to work at 8 months and that really helped, as did running (w DD in a running buggy) and a weekly trip to our council gym which had a crèche. I also has an amazing GP who I used to to and see weekly and cry.

2nd time round I assumed I'd be ok (even though I'd had quite a lot if traumatic events that year and was v anxious throughout my pregnancy). When DS was 14 weeks old I found myself in floods of tears at the hairdresser so took myself off to GP. After about 2 months more of self care and counselling I decided I wanted ADs- I was tired if having to try SO hard to get better. I was on sertraline (so I cd still bf ds, the one thing I thought I was doing right). I was on 50mg for about 6 months and it really did help, akin w the counselling. I'd push for some counselling- in my area PND sufferers get bumped up the queue, so you only wait a max of 4 weeks.

Unfortunately, as I was shaking the PND, I had an ectopic preg, which was v difficult and a bit scary as emotional fall out is v similar to depression. So I think that set me back about 3 months in getting back to feeling like myself. But I do. And though they frequently drive me mad, I love both DCs (despite having thought both of them a mistake at some point, and that I was a failure). And I enjoy their company. And I'm even thinking of having anor one day.

Cailin- I remember you from anor thread (either stately homes or anor- about your weekend away w your nice sister and your mum and nasty sister trying to gatecrash, IIRC). I have kind of a similar family of origin and I think my relationship w my sisters and my DM played a big part in my PND- I didn't want to e like DM (who is pretty crap and self absorbed) and was terrified of my children turning out like my sisters (so felt I had to do it perfectly). Be kind to yourself. As someone said up thread, take every bit of help offered. Talk to your Dh (even if like mine, he doesn't know what to say or do). And remember, it will get better and you will enjoy your DD. feel free to pm me.

NoobyNoob Fri 24-May-13 08:32:54

Cheers Unicorns smile

LaQueen Fri 24-May-13 09:29:41

Cailin can't remember if I mentioned this upthread, or on another one. But anti-ds really help to take away those crippling feelings of anxiety/hopeless - and once they're gone you feel much more able to cope, and do normal things again.

Before they began to work for me, I could even get it together sufficiently to get myself showered/dressed and DD1 dressed each morning. I had to just stuff everything into a bag, and DH drive us to my Mum's so she could help me. I just couldn't cope with anything, couldn't focus or concentrate.

I had completely lost myself, and it terrified me. I was always known for being very confident, very capable. With a reputation for being audacious, and probably a bit of a show-off (did lots of drama in college). But I'd arrive at my Mum's in tears, and would sit there, helpless, wearing her dressing gown as she sorted DD1 out sad

But what really surpised me though, was that the anti-ds didn't make me feel all bubbly and happy (as I assumed they would). They just actually put my mind into a very neutral/numb gear, which felt very restful after all those weeks of swooping fear and anxiety.

Then I found I could cope so much better, and through coping better I felt better, and it became a self fulfilling prophecy IYSWIM?

Looking back I stopped taking the anti-ds far too soon, as I didn't like the neutral/numb feeling. And, although by then I'd learned to cope, once off the anti-ds I became very uptight and controlling, and felt very tense and irritable for the next year, or so. Which wasn't good for anyone.

MorrisZapp Fri 24-May-13 09:37:20

I had horrible PND and was prescribed ADs. They worked, I got better within a few weeks and back to myself in a few months. It was the worst time of my life but its in the past now. I'm still on the ADs but weaning down the dose. I'm not a natural mother of babies, I can accept and acknowledge that now. But they grow, thank god. Get all the help you possibly can to make it through to the other side. Your life awaits you, it's all still there xx

LaQueen Fri 24-May-13 09:43:06

Exactly Morris I am so not a Natural Earth Baby Mother type, either. Newborns and babies have always left me cold (they're just so boring)...but, I came into my own once the DDs were at school, and able to have real conversations etc.

Apparentlychilled Fri 24-May-13 09:46:10

God, me neither LaQueen and Morris- I've just realised that while I enjoy my dc, I don't enjoy them as babies and (or me) it's a matter of getting through the baby stage. Toddlerdom and beyond is far more enjoyable for me.

Badvoc Fri 24-May-13 10:08:00

For me, the baby stage was one to get through, not enjoy.
I know that must sound awful, but with ds1 he was so ill, and I was so anxious and scared. It was an awful time.
With ds2 i did get to enjoy some if it, or at least I wasn't crippled by anxiety all the time and I did sleep.
Now they are older its so much more fulfilling and enjoyable.
This too shall pass x

LaQueen Fri 24-May-13 10:10:44

Yes, I think if you've never been particularly maternal, or into babies (even as a little girl) then I think the baby-stage is very meh and incredibly dull.

My MIL adores newborns, and would sit for hours nursing our DDs on the sofa, cooing to them. I'd have gone insane with the boredom of doing that, to be honest.

Badvoc Fri 24-May-13 10:31:05

My mil is the same LQ.
I just dont particularly like babies.
They are boring, smell, and leak horrid fluids uncontrollably smile
It was really helpful to me when I started doing OU courses again and when the dc started pre school/school.

LaQueen Fri 24-May-13 11:05:33

Yep, I felt much more myself when the DDs started 2 full days a week at nursery. More in control of my life, etc.

stopgap Fri 24-May-13 11:52:54

Do get your thyroid checked. I had a tough time with DS's silent reflux, yet somehow coped, but at eight months postpartum, suddenly every part of my body ached, I had no energy and felt incredibly depressed. Turns out I had Hashimoto's, and all was fine again once I was given replacement thyroid. My doctor believes that many cases of pnd are actually undiagnosed thyroid conditions.

CailinDana Fri 24-May-13 12:43:32

Got my thyroid checked and it's fine. Tis just the good old black dog.

Apparentlychilled Fri 24-May-13 13:55:13

Well, at least that means you're on the right meds. It really will get better. One good night's sleep won't cure it, so don't give yourself a hard time today but as your dd slowly learns to sleep more, it helps a little. An along w the ADs, the black dog will pass. Btw, I don't know what ADs you're on but it took over 3 weeks for mine to kick in so hang in there if you can't feel their effect yet.

Happy to hand hold.

DewDr0p Fri 24-May-13 14:21:42

Hi Cailin so sorry to hear you are feeling like this.

Like you I was fine after the birth of dc1 but I got PND after having dc2. He had awful silent reflux and we didn't get any sleep at all for the first few months. Unfortunately our lovely HV had just left and new one was not yet in post and the patchwork cover that was in place in the meantime meant the reflux was slow to be diagnosed and they missed the fact that I was struggling.

I remember just feeling totally flat and numb and unable to participate in everyday life. The day after I was diagnosed dh took a day off and we took the children out and I literally wandered around in a fog. It was like the real world couldn't reach me. I was really awful to dh too, kept telling him to leave. blush

Anyway, well done on getting help. That is a massive step forward I think. I think of PND as like a downward spiral - anti-ds just give you a boost to pause that and slowly start to turn it around ime. Once I felt a bit less detached I was able to do something (anything) and that in turn made me feel a little better and so on.

I remember feeling very scared that I would never feel normal again and it didn't happen overnight but now it all feels like ancient history. I was fine when I had dc3 even though the gap was really small. Dh and I have weathered some really difficult stuff since and I have really surprised myself at how resilient I have been (I have had issues with stress/depression in the past so this was by no means a given).

Hope you start to feel a little better very soon.

issimma Fri 24-May-13 14:25:56

This thread is inspirational. And much more helpful than my GP who told me 'it's not PND, anyone would be depressed with two children under two and no sleep' and offered no support, apart from suggesting I pay for private counselling. He laughed off the Edinburgh test (on which I scored highly), asking if it was a woman's quiz online hmm.
I have felt/feel pretty alone, but I'm starting to feel normal reading this thread. May even go and see a different GP.
Thanks op and sorry for hijack.

DewDr0p Fri 24-May-13 14:42:31

issimma that's shocking on the part of your GP. Please do go and talk to someone else. My HV was great when I had PND - what's yours like? Do you feel you could talk to her? Or as you say another GP?

CailinDana Fri 24-May-13 17:14:28

That is so awful issimma. You deserve to get proper help.

CailinDana Fri 24-May-13 17:15:39

Please do see another gp.

CailinDana Fri 24-May-13 17:23:34

I had to see two gps - the first one told me to put dd on a bottle and get more exercise.

peachypips Fri 24-May-13 17:23:45

I have had two bad bouts of AND and PND with hospitalisation so I could be cared for. DS2 is now 2.8 and I am absolutely completely fine and almost off all meds.
You will get completely better and love being a mum- possibly even in about six weeks time!!!
Mine was very bad and I am happy as larry now.

Badvoc Fri 24-May-13 17:23:49

That is awful.
Please complain to the practise manager/hv!
And see a different gp!

peachypips Fri 24-May-13 17:25:42

Oh, and I've always loved babies, kids etc. Still do- just a bloody awful illness that has nothing to do with your personality.
PND is evil.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 08:20:27

How are you doing today Cailin?

One of the things I hated about PND was how lonely (and useless) I felt. So if that's the case for you, I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts.

LaQueen Sat 25-May-13 08:54:14

I was the same Chilled - even in a room full of people, I felt very alone. I think it was because I just assumed that everyone else was a perfect Mum, and coping brilliantly, and that I was the only person in the UK to feel like I did.

I was thinking of you last night Cailin too, how are you today?

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 09:04:48

You are so kind to ask. Not great unfortunately. Bad night with dd so i'm very tired. I feel defeated.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 09:12:42

One of the things that TOTALLY pissed me off re PND was that holding up my hand that I felt crap didn't magically make it better- it was just the start if it. But it was the start and it DID get better.

And YY to LaQ's comment above.

Sorry to hear last night was rubbish. How old is dd? Can your dh take the dc out for an hour or two so you can sleep for a bit?

flippinada Sat 25-May-13 09:32:47

I remember only too well the constant tiredness and awful, constant, nagging feeling that I was doing it all wrong and wasn't a proper mum.

One if the hardest things about PND is the recovery is s-l-o-w. You start feeling better in little increments.

LaQueen Sat 25-May-13 09:42:12

I'm convinced that if I could have been guaranteed 10 hours sleep per night, with ideally a 2 hour siesta every afternoon, my PND wouldn't have been nearly so bad.

Cailin any chance you could grab a nap this afternoon, if your DH takes your DD?

And, yes the recovery is slow. You have a run of good days, and think 'Oh, I've sussed it' but, then have a bad day. But, then it's so hard to tell if this is a PND caused bad day, or just a bad day that anyone with a baby would have.

I found one of the most frightening things about PND was that I totally lost my sense of rational judgement/perspective.

When DD1 was still a newborn, I worked out to the day exactly how many days before she'd start full time education...can't remember the exact amount, but obviously the number was much higher than a thousand days. And, I just cried and cried.

Nowadays, I had a few private tears when I saw her in her first soft bra - I couldn't bear the thought of her growing up so quickly.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 10:15:25

Dh has to go into work today so no hope of sleep. I feel really really bad today.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 10:32:34

I feel your pain- when Dh works weekends I feel desperate for company but am aware that friends are having family time.

Right- can you make a plan for the day till dh gets home? Snack time for ds soon then can someone take him for an hour for a playdate? And can you meet a mum friend for an hour w dd, just for some moral support w lack of sleep? Then (hopefully) nap for all 3 of you and maybe a walk to park? Or DVDs to get you through the afternoon? I know doing anything feels awful and impossible when feeling so grim but why not send some texts to see if you can get some RL support to get you through today.

Un MN hug. Xx

LaQueen Sat 25-May-13 10:43:17

On days like this, when I had little sleep, I used to seriously Laze-It-Up.

So, DD1's favourite DVDs on a loop on TV, made up a big tray of snacks/nibble for her to munch on, then crash out on the sofa...wouldn't be able to really get any sleep, but was slightly more restful, than a normal day.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 10:45:04

Dh saw how bad i am and decided not to go in. He'll go tomorrow instead.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 10:56:04

I just can't handle things today.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 11:19:08

Oh and dh can't take dd out because she bfs every 40 mins or so and won't take a bottle.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 11:29:18

That's great news re DH. And I've just realised how unrealistic my suggestions were. Im sorry. LaQ had much better ideas. If dd feeds every 40 mins can Dh take her immed after each feed so ou can get a series of 40 min naps?

Can dh call on any friends to help you tomorrow? Or any of his family (I think I remember that yours are overseas)?

LaQueen Sat 25-May-13 12:29:13

I used to have so many days just like that Cailin. Infact, most of my days felt like that - it's perfectly normal, when you have PND.

How old is your DD? Any chance you could X-press some milk, so you could take longer between her feeds, if DH did them?

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 12:41:58

Me too. And I'd dread being alone w DC (which is why I asked if anyone can help you tomorrow).

LaQueen Sat 25-May-13 12:46:45

Yes, I absoutely dreaded being alone with DD1, too. No idea why? And, I genuinely never, ever worried that I might hurt her, or anything.

I was just terrified of being alone with her. My HV told me this was a very common symptom of PND.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 12:52:42

I felt like she just was too much for me- feeding her (and later ds) was all I cd do. I couldn't ever seem to figure out if she needed changing/winding/feeding and all I wanted to do was someone to give her to me to feed at the right time and then let me sleep.

flippinada Sat 25-May-13 12:55:28

No wonder you are so exhausted if DD is feeding every 40 minutes, that on top of everything else.

LaQueen Sat 25-May-13 12:57:22

Yes, I BF DD1 for the first 4-5 weeks, but really hated it. I felt it exacerbated my PND - because I couldn't ever get a decent break from her, and because it seemed so vague to me.

After she'd fed, you couldn't tell how much she'd had. Was she really full? Was I producing enough milk?

I felt better once I switched to FF. More in control. More able to quantify etc. But, that's just part of my personality I think? I am very specific, quite direct, very organised...I get agitated when things are vague, or open ended.

BTW - I am not suggesting in anyway, that the OP stops BF at all. I know that it equally really helped a friend, who had PND. made her feel closer to her DC.

flippinada Sat 25-May-13 12:57:23

I had the terror of being alone with them thing as well.

I also used to hate going out because although it meant a little bit of freedom I knew what I was coming back to and that I could never escape (sorry a lot if I's there).

LaQueen Sat 25-May-13 12:59:58

Yes, why did we feel such terror of being alone with our DCs? I would love to know why.

And, same as you flipp I usually didn't see the point in going out, without DD1, because I knew I'd only have to come back to her again.

Looking back it seems so crazed now - especially, as I miss her so much, when she's away.

flippinada Sat 25-May-13 13:10:16

I'm like that with DS as well LaQueen- now that he's 8 we have a great relationship.

The being alone thing; I'm not sure what's being that. I suspect it's to do with the utterly overwhelming responsibility. That frightened me a lot. The third day or so after having him, I remember sobbing so much the midwives were really concerned and asked me if I was ok. I said no...I can't honestly remember how they reacted to that. It was because I was thinking "what the hell have I just done...my life is over"; and yet DS was very much wanted.

flippinada Sat 25-May-13 13:11:19

Oh dear..I meant "what that's about". Auto correct fail.

flippinada Sat 25-May-13 13:20:59

Hope you are getting some rest Cailin. Glad you have your DH there supporting you.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 13:26:11

Yes, for me I think it was the responsibility. And the terror that I was doing it wrong.

I had PND, and psychotic episodes last year after my first baby was born.

The first 6 weeks were ok, I was tired, but coping fine. Me and OH were enjoying this baby boy. Thing was...this wan't my baby. I had no idea where this baby had come from, and I was constantly waiting for his real mum to come and collect him. I would whisper in his ear when he cried 'don't worry, mummy will be here soon'. I suffered flashbacks about the labour and the journey home (memory of the actual birth/crowning stage is only just returning) - but I couldn't equate those flashbacks to them actually happening to me.

By about week 10, I realised that something was wrong. People kept referring to him as 'your baby' and saying 'are you enjoying motherhood?'. I wanted to scream at them that this wasn't my baby. When I looked at OH holding the baby, I wondered where his mum could be? I had not revealed anything to OH (he is a big worrier, I didn't want him to think something was wrong).

I rang the HV and broke down in tears. I knew something was wrong, but I could not put my finger on it. I went to see a psychiatrist for two weeks, and had CPNs visit at home weekly. I began a course of Sertraline (anti-depressent) and Quitiopine (anti-psychotic). I stopped the anti-psychotic after 1 week. It made me so tired I slept for 14 hours straight, and was having the same effect on the baby (BF). Yes...I was breast-feeding because I thought his real mum would be angry at me if I didn't breastfeed! I also had D-MER, so during the first couple of months, would feel sick and emotionally empty when BF.

A relative had a stroke and died (took 2 months, it was awful watching them die), when the baby was around 5-7 months. I spent so much time travelling back and forth I plain forgot to take my tablets. I realised that I had coped without them for 1 week and not noticed, so I didn't take any more.

Now...my baby (yes, MY tiny gorgeous funny baby!) is a year old, and looks just like the perfect mix of me and his dad. I would not have got through this without my OH. He was solid, never pushed me to talk, was just 'there'.

So, I had PND, Post-Natal Psychosis, PTSD and D-MER to contend with, and I did it. Plus, LO had lip-tie (totally undiagnosed, split it himself when he fell over aged 8 months) which resulted in BF being really bloody difficult. Still, I managed to mix feed for 3 months, EBF for another 3, and then mix-fed until 8 months. I am so proud of myself, it's unreal. Looking back at that woman last year - the woman who would've given her baby away without a second thought, who looked at every woman she came into contact with to check whether she might be his 'real' mum, the woman who screamed in her baby's face that she didn't know where his mummy was - has fully recovered.

(I can't wait for the next one!)

Oh, and I've pinpointed the moment where I realised maybe this baby was ours.

A photo I took of him aged about 8 months - looking up at the camera, he looks JUST like my dad (died when I was little). That was a real turning point for me.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 14:23:57

We went out for a while. I want to fast forward the world. I want to feel better.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 14:30:21

I'm glad others have mentioned feeling terrified. That's how i feel, paralysed by fear.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 14:30:29

I'm glad others have mentioned feeling terrified. That's how i feel, paralysed by fear.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 15:17:06

I feel i've sort of lost access to the world, it's all going on without me while i just watch.

resipsa Sat 25-May-13 15:18:46

That's how I felt. I wondered how other people could appear to be so happy, so unburdened. Who have you got to talk to today?

Badvoc Sat 25-May-13 15:25:47

Yes.
The terror.
The mystification when looking at other mums and amazed that they seems happy.
I will get better op.
X

MrBloomsMarrow Sat 25-May-13 15:27:42

Cailin I was admitted to a mother and baby unit after DS2 was born due to psychotic depression. They were the darkest days of my life. Depression is hideous at the best of times but, with a new baby thrown it, it just seems impossible. PND is so cruel because it happens at a time when you're supposed to be so happy. But you will get better, I promise. What the MBU made me realise was that PND can happen to anyone - the women there ranged in age from 17-44, some had just had their 1st baby, one had just had her 6th. We were quite mixed ethnically and the patients included a midwife, a gp and a deputy headteacher. It's good that you've admitted this - it's the first step to getting better. Be kind to yourself and accept all the help you can get. DS2 is 5 now and I am besotted and he's a very happy little boy and very doted on by his older siblings. Take care x

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 15:30:20

I felt totally cut off too- like no-one cd understand me. And I "knew" that I had nothing to complain about (nice DH, healthy, wanted children etc) so felt like I couldn't connect w anyone. I kind of felt like there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world. I think feeling cut off really is part of PND - so many of us have felt exactly where you are. And I even felt cut off from dh, who just couldn't get how I cd feel so awful when I'd had our longed for children (though he didn't doubt that's how I felt, iykwim).

Are there any Pnd support groups around you? NCT used to have one in my area. Is your HV supporting you? Mine came extra times when I was at my worst. I found it almost impossible to figure out which baby groups to go to when i felt awful but cd you ask someone for coffee or I meet you at one one day this week? I know it feels impossible, but am just trying to think to ways to break the isolation.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 15:39:36

I go out every day - i have to or ds would go loopy. Dh is here but i can't talk to him at the moment. Thank you so much for your support. All i want is to feel normal.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 15:41:51

The hv has been no help- she just talked at me for 20 mins and said she didn't know of any support.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 15:52:06

I don't think i can take another day of this.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 15:52:29

You WILL feel normal, I promise. Will see if I can find anything on NCT website- I know they're not for everyone but they might have some kind if support near you.

saythatagain Sat 25-May-13 15:56:59

A lot of what of has been written resonates with me. Dd is now 9. We didn't have anymore and, with hindsight, I think it was down to my pnd. I was terrified, felt absolutley isolated (I wasn't), dreaded being alone with her and thought it was the most single, biggest mistake I had ever made.

I made plans in my head to pass her to a friend who was already a mother and various other, seemingly sensible at the time, ideas to just get rid of this baby.

Eventually I went to the doctors, who prescribed me a very low dose of Valium for a short period. It did nothing. I soldiered on and at some point, I must have got marginally better. However, it wasn't until some time later and for another reason, I was prescribed AD's. They really, really helped. I was then able to see for myself that I had had pnd and felt quite angry that, because I wasn't diagnosed, I blew the opportunity of having another child.

There's nothing that can be done now, but I will say that our daughter is the most marvellous, precious, treasured, delightfully charming and loved human being. I can't believe how lucky we are to have her.

I am willing you to find the will power to get over this; it will pass.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 15:58:32

The NCT website just says to contact them to find out if there's pnd support in your area. Their no is : 0300 330 0700. They also link to this website - http://www.postnataldepression.com/

I'm not sure where you are, but it looks like they have support groups too.

saythatagain Sat 25-May-13 15:59:11

....another thing I used to do was look in people's car to see if they had car seats in. If they didn't I'd grimace and think how lucky they were.
<shakes head>

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 16:02:29

Thank you for that chilled.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 16:06:57

My pleasure Cailin. I imagine there's a pnd support thread on here somewhere too, which might help.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 16:09:46

And I know you said that you can't do anor day like today but for today, don't think about tomorrow, just get as much help and support as poss from dh, and deal w tomorrow tomorrow.

How are you doing re self harm etc? For me, the idea was laughable- I was too exhausted to even think of anything but please speak to someone in RL if that's on your mind.

DewDr0p Sat 25-May-13 16:13:54

I feel i've sort of lost access to the world, it's all going on without me while i just watch.

I so remember this. We had some friends to stay and I remember feeling like a spectator, thinking oh that looks like a fun evening. I felt nothing.

What is it that's making you feel that you can't talk to your dh, OP?

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 16:26:49

Self harm isn't an issue. I want to say to dh that i need him to stay home tomorrow but he has to work.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 16:27:50

I just can't cope.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 16:30:09

Ok if dh really can't be around tomorrow can you (or even better he) call some good friends and let them know you need help tomorrow? Or are his family about (an helpful)?

flippinada Sat 25-May-13 16:44:22

I know it's not practical help but <holds hand>.

I think finding someone to come round tomorrow, if your DH can't stay off work, is a good idea.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 16:48:22

Anor hand to hold. I'm on hols till Thurs but happy to help in RL if I'm nearby- coffee some time if you're based up north?

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 17:21:32

You are so kind chilled. I'm in the midlands.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 17:30:36

I know i'll eventually be ok it's just living through it is hard.

Apparentlychilled Sat 25-May-13 17:39:17

West Yorkshire, unfort.

You will be ok, I promise. I have a friend who used to tell me that, and when I couldn't believe it myself, I promised to believe that she was right, if that makes any sense- even when I had no faith in myself I cd have faith in her, iykwim? So maybe just know that everyone posting and lurking on this thread knows you'll be ok?

Badvoc Sat 25-May-13 17:46:26

I'm in the midlands too op.
PM me if you want to.

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 18:13:33

I can't believe how kind you all are.thank you

teacher123 Sat 25-May-13 18:41:29

Have come a bit late to this thread, but reading it really resonates. DS is 13 months and I was diagnosed with PND and anxiety about 3 months ago and am currently on Setraline. My anxiety all revolves around his sleeping (or lack thereof) and I have had full on panic attacks about whether he's had his naps or not. I was absolutely incapable of going with the flow, or just seeing what happens. However, as he is getting older and with the tablets I am slowly getting better.

He was such an appalling sleeper for the first six months I became completely obsessed with how, when and where he slept. I am actually a lot calmer now I'm back at work because three days a week his schedule isn't my problem, and my CM and family are really chilled out about it so don't let it worry them.

I am a complete control freak in everyday life though (bloody teachers!) and I think the total RANDOMNESS of a new baby just threw me. I am now really looking forward to when he's a bit bigger and able to communicate better.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so awful, I really hope things pick up soon xx

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 18:55:21

I'm obsessed about sleeping too teacher, despite the fact that dd sleeps quite well normally. I have a nightly routine to get her to sleep and if any of it doesn't go to plan i feel despair. Tonight's routine is already off so i'm not happy. I totally went with the flow with ds but i just can't with dd.

teacher123 Sat 25-May-13 19:30:59

Despair is a word I have used! However this afternoon DS didn't nap properly and I managed to not completely meltdown. This is a HUGE amount of progress, before I would literally shake with panic and anxiety. I have friends on Facebook who merrily have no routine and somehow manage to blithely cope and I feel poorly if he's late with a meal/a nap.

How old is your DD?

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 19:39:46

3 months. She slept for 3 hours this afternoon so i'm expecting a restless night. She used to take a bottle so i could leave her with dh while i got a couple of hours but now she won't so unless she sleeps for me i get no sleep. Lack of sleep seriously affects my mood.

Badvoc Sat 25-May-13 19:42:58

There is a reason that sleep deprivation is a torture method op!
It's the pits. Seriously.
Ds1 would only sleep in 40 mon snatches day and night for the first few months.
I was hallucinating with fatigue.
And then if anyone else had him I couldn't sleep!
sad

CailinDana Sat 25-May-13 19:46:35

Ds was a much worse sleeper but i coped better, i suppose because i didn't get worked up about it. Plus he would have a bottle so i could have a break.

teacher123 Sat 25-May-13 19:50:28

I'm glad you're not leaving it as late as I did to get help, I waited until 10 months, and it was a nightmare.

Get through a day at a time. And eat lots of cake!

I still torment myself if he has a bad night, am convinced its the beginning of a new terrible regression and I'll never sleep again. BUT the intrusive thoughts are definitely improving, it WILL get better xxx

BinksToEnlightenment Sat 25-May-13 21:24:08

Yes, I had it very badly. I spent every day in so much emotional pain that it almost felt physical. Like a dull ever present throbbing ache in my bones. I day dreamed about dying morning and night. Not that there was a morning or night. It was about nine months of one long endless awful day. I wanted so desperately to get in a dark room, in bed with the duvet over my head and never get up. On more occasions than I'd like to admit, I completely lost it and screamed at my son to shut up. I eventually ended up in hospital with physical problems from neglecting to look after myself.

I had a short course of antidepressants, a lot of sleep, time swapped my screaming baby for a more manageable child and now I am completely fine. More than fine. I am gleefully happy with my life.

My son doesn't remember a second of it. He's one of the happiest little children you could ever meet.

teacher123 Sat 25-May-13 21:42:42

DS was also a bottle refuser, adding to the totally trapped feeling. Sippy cups from 6mo here...! Funnily enough though I found the first few months hideous physically (exhaustion, recovering from c-section etc) but not too bad emotionally at the time, because I had a sort of siege mentality. It was bloody hard work but it didn't make me particularly anxious. However as soon as it started improving, that's when the crazy superstitions started and the terrible anxiety, as it was the fear of going back to what it was.

resipsa Sat 25-May-13 21:48:50

Sorry to hijack OP but everyone else, when do you think true memories begin to be formed? I ask because I think I am becoming depressed again (this time the cause is secondary infertility and the catalyst has been a failed IVF cycle) and am worried of the effects on DD who is 2 years 4 months. Since I had the news of the failure on Monday, I have been a terrible mother to her; short-tempered, shouty, cruel (refusing to pick her up/hold her hand). Today I told her as I cried that she had made me sad because she was naughty (she was but that did not cause the tears) and she repeated this to DH later. Do you think she will remember this week beyond next week if I make an effort to be normal? Sorry again OP.

pinkballetflats Sat 25-May-13 22:43:37

I'm in the Midlands area too OP if you want to chat.

I promise it does get better.

Nightmare is the only way I can describe the memories I have of my DC's first years - it didn't help that I had terrible insomnia and an H who had emotionally abandoned me - but eventually I got through it.

x

It is certainly a nightmare time.

But, looking back, I am amazed at how I did it. There were days where OH would go off to work at 8am. Baby would go back to sleep and I would cry until he woke, pretend I was fine (for him), then he would sleep again and I would cry again. And then when OH would come in in the evening, I would have everything done and ready, tea on the table etc. He didn't have a clue how I felt. Once we began talking about it though, it really helped the constant anxious feelings.

I am also surprised that there was never any threat of my baby being taken away. Even when I said I wanted to leave him at the hospital in case his mum was waiting for him there etc, it was never ever suggested that someone else should look after him.

It will get better.

CailinDana Sun 26-May-13 09:10:52

Another day. Finding it hard to get out of bed.

LarvalFormOfOddSock Sun 26-May-13 10:53:08

Hi Cailin. I'm sorry. Me too. And it's a beautiful sunny day here. It makes me feel even worse that I can't appreciate a nice day. I wish I could stay in bed and the world go away.

teacher123 Sun 26-May-13 12:05:17

Hi Cailin, hope you've managed to get up and are outside in the sunshine. I'm feeling a bit low today, DS definitely naps better for everyone except me, and that just makes me feel a bit inadequate. I also feel guilty because he's going to inlaws today so we can do fun stuff and I'm looking forward to it! I know he'll be having the best time but I still can't shake the feeling that he should be with me, and I shouldn't be pleased he's not here. Sorry that was terribly written!

However, I'm going to make the best of a lovely day with DH, and thinking of all the people who are struggling x x

CailinDana Sun 26-May-13 12:17:36

We went to the park. Now there's a whole lot of day left to get through.

teacher123 Sun 26-May-13 12:23:54

Have you eaten anything today? X

CailinDana Sun 26-May-13 12:32:56

Just having some pasta. Friend is here so that's a help.

CailinDana Sun 26-May-13 12:42:15

I am irrationally annoyed at dh for going into work.

Badvoc Sun 26-May-13 13:28:43

Yep.
I used to get that too.
I would be so angry at him for "abandoning" me.

Apparentlychilled Sun 26-May-13 17:43:27

I used to be furious when he even left the house. I resented his freedom. And the fact that he cd have some childless time (even if that was just at work).

CailinDana Sun 26-May-13 18:00:58

Dd used to take a bottle but dh went away with work for a week and i bfed her the whole time with the wonderful consequence that she now completely refuses bottles. I feel trapped.

Apparentlychilled Sun 26-May-13 18:08:58

Is it nearly your ds' bedtime? How had dd been today?

I felt trapped by bf too, but didn't want to give up (as I felt like it was the only thing I was doing "right". I know there's nothing wrong w ff, but that's how it felt for me).

When he's home cd you get dh to try her w a bottle each day, just to keep trying? I ended up doing mixed feeding (by getting stuck in traffic one night and not being home in time. DS was hungry enough to take a bottle, so we did mixed feeding from 6 months till just before he turned 1). Will she take milk from a syringe? Or is it just that she wants the comfort of bf as well as the food?

CailinDana Sun 26-May-13 18:32:25

Ds will go to bed at about 7.30. I'm not sure if dd will take milk from a syringe perhaps i should try.

Apparentlychilled Sun 26-May-13 18:36:20

Only 55 mins till ds' bedtime. Hang in there. And maybe syringe is something to think about.

CailinDana Sun 26-May-13 18:41:18

Dh is here so i don't really have to worry about ds. Dd was going down at about 10 and doing a 4-6 hour stretch but that's out the window now. I have to feed her on and off all night. When she took a bottle dhwould take her for a few hours so i could sleep but that's not an option any more.

winetime1981 Sun 26-May-13 19:07:05

I had it with DS - postnatal anxiety actually. I have DD now. Still anxious but nothing like what I was. Every day is another step. Hang in there - it will all be okay. MNetters told me I would be - they were right.

Apparentlychilled Sun 26-May-13 19:54:25

Would it be possible for you to feed her then DH take her for a walk or drive for a couple of hours so you can sleep eg 8-10 or more? It might just help a little to get a few hours? If she's just fed and not near you, se might sleep?

Badvoc Sun 26-May-13 20:12:27

Ok.
I may get flamed for this, BUT if you are not enjoying bf and fee it is adding it your pnd/anxiety then it might be the to stop.
I realise this is something you may feel strongly about, but bf is on,y best if mum and baby are happy IMHO.
If dd was ff your dh or other friends and finally could feed her and you would feel less "trapped".
X

CailinDana Sun 26-May-13 20:36:06

I'd be delighted to put her on ff if she'd take a bottle. Dh just took her out for a walk and i'm relaxing. I prob should go to bed.

Apparentlychilled Sun 26-May-13 21:03:55

I hope you're enjoying your rest or even some sleep.

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 09:22:52

Got no sleep unfortunately, dd wouldn't play ball. Onwards through another day. Life just seems like one long hard pointless chore at the moment.

Badvoc Mon 27-May-13 09:30:59

Could you make up some f feeds and go out for the day with your ds?
Or better still on your own?
I know that sounds pretty hardcore but if she is hungry she will take a feed from a bottle.
Perhaps post in the bf or ff topic to get some advice about switching her?
Sorry you had a bad night x

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 09:33:31

Dh has to go to work today. We're going to go hardcore on ff next weekend.

I agree Badvoc - If BF is making things harder, just stop, or at least take some of the pressure off with a bottle/cup etc.

If you're having trouble giving a bottle - hand her to someone else and go out for an hour or two. A lot of babies will take a bottle when mum isn't there.

If you do want to switch from boob to bottle, do it gradually, so it doesn't hurt too much. Decide what time of day you'd like to give a bottle (maybe bedtime?), and slowly build up over a couple of weeks from there.

Badvoc Mon 27-May-13 09:37:07

I think it will help op, I really do.
(I am pro bf when both mum and baby are happy)
I did both with mine - ff ds1 and bf ds2.
No regrets about either - very different situations very different babies.
Good luck op.
I vividly remember feeling like you do and I wouldn't wish it anyone x

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 09:53:14

That sounds like a good plan Cailin. For me, I ended up just doing morning and night feeds for ages, and the rest were ff (originally about 2 or 3 feeds a day though that dropped once we started to wean). I felt less trapped and in hindsight, I shd have gone 100% ff.

If DH can't be around today, is anyone else around for company and support? Just to help you get through till DH gets home?

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 10:15:58

My friend is here for a while. I do like bfing and it's the easier option at night but i hate not having the option of leaving dd with someone.

Wheresthecoffee Mon 27-May-13 11:05:23

Hi,

I'm just coming out the other side of PND after my second DC. It's bought tears to my eyes reading this, so many caring people with kind words. I wish Id had the bravery to reach out at the time the way that you have. That in itself is such a positive and kind thing to do for yourself.

Although it feels like a lifetime, this will pass. I would stand rocking DD in tears cursing the mistake I'd made. Wishing it all away. I did the bare minimum she needed, to ensure she was clean, fed and safe. I felt as if I was in a different place to the rest of the world, separate somehow. How could no one else see what I saw?! Occasionally, there were lucid moments when I could really see how bad I was, how very cruel for this to have happened,how unfair, the effect on my DP and DS. I can honestly say that I have never experienced heartbreak like it.

I turned a corner when I began CBT, the various GPs and health visitors Id spoken to we're not very helpful so eventually I saw a private Dr. I've learned how I can effect how I feel with my thinking and gradually I have got better. I enjoy my little one and feel like myself again.

I'll always be so thankful for finding my way back from PND and wanted to share with you that it is possible. It sounds like you have great family and friends support. I'm Midlands based too, pm me anytime. This feels lonely, but you are not alone flowers

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 11:19:12

That's a really lovely reassuring post thank you coffee.

Badvoc Mon 27-May-13 12:20:47

Being able to leave dc with family/dh who could feed them was a sanity saver for me.

pinkballetflats Mon 27-May-13 13:53:06

Came back to see how you were doing OP.

Here's some flowers for you and a hand to hold.

I know it's not much. I do remember how utterly isolated, trapped, betrayed, angry, frightened, sad, ugly-hearted etc I felt. I was just wrong, in every way possible.

I'm still here, and number 2 is on her way. I'm terrified, but I KNOW that if things get bad again there IS a way out.

It sound like you have quite a supportive DH. Good news.

Irrational anger is normal. Don't forget, you are normal, you are having a normal reaction to a massive chemical imbalance and none of this is your fault.

Hugs.

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 14:43:48

I hope you've been having a lovely time w your friend Cailin and that you're in the home stretch to DH's home time.

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 15:33:18

Thank you for checking in. Dh due home soon. Dd been very unsettled all afternoon, crying lots. Knackered and of course convinced i have another bad night ahead.

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 15:57:05

My overriding memory is how lonely I felt, so happy to help. Maybe send dh out w dd again for a bit this evening?

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 15:58:31

I haven't got anything particularly helpful today, just to do some hand holding and say well done on getting through the last few days, really. I know what a struggle just getting out of bed (or doing anything) is when you are in the depths.

I think now is the time to shamelessly rely on friends.

I wondered, if you feel up to it at all, whether you might consider contacting charities which help with PND?

mind

apni

pandas

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 16:05:44

Your support here means a lot thank you. I will try to contact one of those organisations.

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 16:11:00

I think just talking to someone who understands can be a big help, but aside from that practical day to day help (someone who can take DD out for a bit or just someone to keep you company and take over when things get too much) can be a huge boon. Of course it doesn't make the PND go away (chance would be a find thing eh) but every little thing and all that x

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 16:13:48

I feel so bloody useless.

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 16:18:14

I know and remember that feeling very well, but you're not useless. It's the illness talking x

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 16:19:34

I felt useless too but as flippin says, you're not. I can promise you that you're great and that you will come out of this.

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 16:20:46

Thank you ada i need to hear it. I'm so fucking frustrated with this goddamn illness.

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 16:23:00

X posted chilled thank you

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 16:23:20

You're welcome lovely. It's a bloody frustrating horrible shitty pain in the arse isn't it, this PND business.

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 16:27:27

You can say that again ada.

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 16:28:32

Yep, it's a total bastard. No least because it FEELS so true (even though it isn't).

You're very welcome.

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 16:29:55

Dd is asleep on me and dh went to the shop leaving the front door open by mistake. It's slamming in the wind but i'm terrified to get up to close it in case dd wakes up.

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 16:32:06

I'm actually crying about it ffs.

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 16:36:20

How log will dh be? Less than 1 min?- just wait it out. If more, can ds close it? Or can you at least close the door of the room you're in so you can't hear it?

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 16:38:58

Ds is gone with him. He'll be about 5 mins i think. Can i ask those who have had pnd do.you like your life now?

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 16:48:14

I do. It's (still) not perfect. But what really surprises me is that I enjoy being w DC now. A year ago I'd have laughed at such an idea (if I'd had the energy). We're a week into a family holiday and I haven't felt the rage I used to feel when I spent "too much" time w dc (which wasn't much). I'd still cheerfully strangle them sometimes, but it feels more balanced than before (like normal mum irritation rather than thinking they were a mistake and I was a failure iykwim).

Happiestinwellybobs Mon 27-May-13 16:48:24

I love my life. In fact I was thinking about you yesterday. I have only told DH and DM about my illness, and neither the whole truth as to how I felt at that time, so this thread has really been thought provoking for me. And yesterday, I asked myself how I felt about DD and my life now - 12 months after she came along. And I wouldn't change a single thing. I no l

Happiestinwellybobs Mon 27-May-13 16:50:47

I love my life. In fact I was thinking about you yesterday. I have only told DH and DM about my illness, and neither the whole truth as to how I felt at that time, so this thread has really been thought provoking for me. And yesterday, I asked myself how I felt about DD and my life now - 12 months after she came along. And I wouldn't change a single thing. I no longer feel despair, anger, sadness and like I was losing my grip on reality. I feel completely and utterly content with life - the first time ever in my 35 years actually.

Stay strong.

This will not last for ever.

You too will look back on this time, and feel completely differently to how you do now.

Sending you flowers

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 17:01:48

Yes, I do like my life now. Actually, I love it. I honestly do. It's a lot different to 'pre' PND but very much better.

BanjoPlayingTiger Mon 27-May-13 17:04:56

Cailin
I had PND with my dc1. It was a while ago now and seems like a distant memory. One day it will seem like a distant memory for you too.
i remember watching the planes fly into the twin towers and thinking that it just wasn't fair. Those people didn't want to die, but they were going to and I did and couldn't.
I remember being totally floored by the phone ringing - I was totally unable to answer it. I spent 2 hours once trying to work out if I should put on a white wash or a coloured wash.

I was in contact with apni (association for post natal illness) who put me in touch with a lady who rang me each week and listened to me. That was the best thing I could have had. This lady had been through pnd and come out the other side. She understood!

Now my dc1 is 13. We have a lovely relationship and she doesn't remember how life was for her the first couple of years. She is a well adjusted lovely young lady who loves life. We have a great relationship and I am so proud of her.

Now life is grand - I can laugh and have fun. I can enjoy the sunshine and love hearing the kids playing together.

You were asking about getting your baby to take a bottle. I found that I had to leave the house before my dd would take one. But she did take one then. But she wouldn't take Cow & Gate milk at all - we ended up finding that SMA was the only brand she would drink. That was a bit of trial and error though.

This too shall pass!

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 17:05:12

I am so low this evening. I can't face another night.

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 17:08:17

I understand. Can you get DH to take your DD out for a bit so you can get some rest? It sounds like, on top of everything else, you could really do with a break x

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 17:11:19

They're gone out. Probably not for long as dd will kick off. I feel like getting in the car and driving away.

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 17:12:45

My ds knows something is wrong. I feel so sorry for him.

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 17:13:43

Can you go out eg for a coffee w a magazine while they're out? Just to feel less trapped?

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 17:14:54

There isn't time dd will be back needing a feed soon.

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 17:20:23

You and your DS will both be ok. Please don't beat yourself. My mum had really bad PND after my sister was born, when I was about 4 - I don't remember any of it.

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 17:20:56

don't beat yourself up I mean to say.

Badvoc Mon 27-May-13 17:33:28

Yes. I remember that feeling op.
I just wanted to drive away sad
My ds1 is now nearly 10!! He is a total joy and I love him to bits.
It will get better, honestly.
Your ds won't remember.
I think perhaps your dh needs to take over with dd for a few days....You need to leave the room/house when it's feed time.
What meds are you on?

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 17:53:16

Imipramine. I rang samaritans. It always helped when i was depressed before. The woman i spoke to was lovely.

Badvoc Mon 27-May-13 17:54:42

Don't know that one.
I know that they do take time to work.
Glad you spoke to someone.
If you feel any worse or more despairing it may be time to call the ooh gp darling x

Badvoc Mon 27-May-13 17:57:05

I haven't told anyone this, but when I was in the worst throws of my pnd I used to fantasise about getting in the car and driving off.
Anywhere.
Then I used to fantasise about driving into a wall/tree/river/whatever.
sad
I don't think I was suicidal per se ( in fact I was very protective of ds1) but I just wanted it to STOP.
All of it.
The white noise in my head, the anxiety, the stomach churning fear...
I left it far too long to get help.
You are doing so well x

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 18:01:39

That's good. I've spoken to them as well.

flippinada Mon 27-May-13 18:05:23

When I was in the throes, I used to fantasise about being in something like a car accident. Nothing life threatening, broken ankle or something like that which would necessitate me being in hospital for a few days so I could just get some bloody REST.

Apparentlychilled Mon 27-May-13 18:31:34

I remember wanting to be ill too (not terminally or anything, just so I could be by myself and SLEEP!).

At the risk of sounding totally self absorbed, I can't believe how many if your posts I relate to- I think I assumed that the PND was "just" the exhaustion/not coping feelings, rather than the feeling trapped, angry, fearful etc etc.

I'm glad to hear the Samaritans helped. Un mn hug and brew

CailinDana Mon 27-May-13 18:47:45

Thanks

Latara Mon 27-May-13 19:27:11

Glad to hear that ringing the samaritans helped you, hope things will improve soon.

Wheresthecoffee Mon 27-May-13 20:27:57

I had a sickness bug when DD was 6 weeks old, despite being sick it was quite nice to lie in bed for two days and watch DVDs. I used to want to go and leave it all behind too, I felt so guilty but I see now that this is quite a common thought!
I'm glad the Samaritans helped a little and well done you for calling them. Keep on being kind to yourself, you deserve it.
There's some sound advice on here about weaning from breast to bottle, a friend of mine had to go and stay the night at her mums to help start her DD on bottles, would something similar be an option for you?

DaisyDoodle Mon 27-May-13 20:41:16

My DS is 2.5 and I think I'm just about back to myself again, which feels so energising. PND didn't affect my bond with my baby, it was myself I hated, and I furiously took it out on my husband. I didn't even want to leave the house. I tried to commit suicide twice and was hospitalised for 2 months in a mother and baby unit. It's been such a long road to recovery, but I've had amazing treatment on the NHS: ADs, counselling, health visitors, GPs have been a rock of support. CBT and mindfulness helped me the most.
It's exhausting fighting black thoughts every day.
However, I'm so bloody proud of myself for having beaten it!!! I've strived hard to get better, and the rewards is even more confidence than before, and a hilarious, loving toddler.
Hang in there.

polosareverynice Mon 27-May-13 23:51:58

So many things I agree with on this thread I'm currently on ads for pnd and I let it get to my baby being 8 month old before I went back to the doctors for help. I did initially speak to my health visitor who booked me onto a pnd support class at around 3 months but I couldn't face attending. Made excuses and didn't go. I became virtually housebound at around this time and had to force myself to go out or do anything. It came to a head when I went back to the doctor for a minor issue and she was great she could see I wasn't well and after a few well placed questions she Recommended ads. But it still took another follow up appointment to decide that yes I would take them. And for me they seem to be working I still have down days but I feel more able to cope now and am finally starting to enjoy life again. But I initially kept trying to convince myself everything was fine when it patently was not, this I feel was the biggest barrier. You very been so brave to admit to your pnd and as others have said it might be a long way off but it does get easier.

CailinDana Tue 28-May-13 08:12:26

Thank you for sharing your stories, it makes me feel less alone.

Apparentlychilled Tue 28-May-13 10:57:11

Cailin, how was last night? How are you feeling today?

LaQueen Tue 28-May-13 11:08:17

Hello Cailin I was thinking of you over the weekend.

I'm a Midlands girl, too - if ever you want to PM, I'm here smile

I can remember the overwhelming longing to get in the car, and just drive and drive, and never come back. I spent a goodly portion of my time working out how I was going to escape, and set up a whole new life for myself somewhere else. I'd picked out the town, picked out where I'd work...everything.

At the time it seemed totally rational to me. It really did.

I was also totally paranoid about DD1's nap times. When she napped, I unplugged all the phones, and used to stand guard near the front door incase anyone dared knock on it, and thereby wake her up. A kindly NDN once knocked, to ask if I wanted anything from the shop...it woke DD1 up, and I virtually slammed the door in my neighbour's face sad

And, I used to feel so bitter to DH, that he escaped every day to go to work. Some days I'd even refuse to say goodbye to him.

But, I promise you it does get better. I promise you. Even now...just over this weekend, you are actually 3 days closer to things starting to get better. You really are.

I would also advocate what Badvoc has said about FF (it sounds like Badvoc's and mine experiences of PND were identical). If the BF is making you feel very trapped, then maybe try FF? I really hesitate to suggest this, because I know that BF-ding can also help with PND...?

But, IME (and I fully acknowledge that other's will be different) BF-ding DD1 definitely made me worse. Once she went onto FF, I felt slightly better, because I could leave her with DH, or my Mum for a few hours to sleep, get some freedom. It really helped.

But, think carefully about it, it's a big step to take.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Tue 28-May-13 11:18:22

Cailin, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This thread has been amazing though.

I have been lurking and occassionally participating in a few threads relating to PND, as I'm gradually coming to realise that I probably did have it, but never had the strength to admit it, or ask for help.

My eldest is 4 and my youngest nearly 3 - having them so close together, whilst I think it was the right thing to do for us - meant that my miserableness was just prolonged.

There were several factors that contributed, including no family on either side in the country (plus, my own lovely Mum died 10 years ago and I missed her like buggery). But in all honesty, as contentious as this may sound, I blame the pressure I put on myself to breastfeed as the biggest contributing factor.

My Mum BF back in the 70s when it wasn't fashionable to do so, and always felt that it was the best thing to do for your baby. And in her absence, I felt as if I had to live up to this, and that formula feeding just simply was not an option. In hindsight, there is no way she would have wanted me to be so unhappy for the sake of BFing, but I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

I BFd my 2 for 13 and 16 months respectively, and being the sole night time feeder and the only one who could meaningfully provide any comfort for pretty much the first year of their lives nearly drove me into the ground.

The sleep deprivation night after night after night after night. Seething with resentment and actual hatred for my sleeping DH for a choice I had made and was unwilling to compromise on fucked with my head. I know now that I was being unreasonable, but at the time, I couldn't bear him. He wanted to help; for me to express if I wasn't willing to give formula, but the thought of hooking myself up to an expressing machine on top of being latched to the babies 24/7 made me almost (actually?) hysterical.

And the crying... Both mine were cryers in the 6-12 week period. sad I have pretty much tried to block those times out of my memory.

I would see friends and relations post pics of them and their babies on FB, status updates, etc, and they seemed to be genuinely enjoying babyhood and it seemed so unfathomable to me. I wondered why I was so bad at it, and why I was doing it do wrong to hate it so much. It's not fucking rocket science; I'm an intelligent person. Why is it So. Damn. Hard?? Why?

I think I have come out the other side, but we 'emigrated' back to my home country when the DC were 2.3 and 0.9 respectively, and I think that exacerbated it to a very large degree - huge reverse culture shock which I utterly wasn't expecting, and massive 'home' sickness for my adopted country (and friends) that we'd left behind. Our 'lost life', I call it now. We were so naive. Why we moved to the other side of the world when our children were that age, I will never fully understand, I don't think. How to make a hideous situation unbearable... I feel like I am sinking again, and recognise all the old feelings and misery, as life here doesn't really get any better. It's only now, going through this, that I am beginning to come to terms with my likely PND.

On the plus side, we have been blessed with the two most amazing little people that we are so incredibly lucky to have. I wish I could have enjoyed them sooner. They are both utter delights and I don't deserve them.

x

pinkballetflats Tue 28-May-13 11:43:08

I used to hope a plane would land on me, or a bus would hit me - and miraculously I'd be the only one that died and no-one would be hurt. I wasn't suicidal - this was explained to me years later by a good MHP - I just wanted it all to stop. The insomnia, and feeling I was made of lead, and watching the world from the outside looking in. I remember saying positive affirmations over and over again - looking at the beauty in the world. I could see it, but I couldn't' FEEL it - I wasn't a part of it. I was an alien and nothing made sense. I was a big fat failure - a failure to my DC and a failure to my then H - I wasn't, but I believed it.

Cailin - do you enjoy swimming? Or being in a gym? Could you get away to do that - even if it's just float around in the water or sit watching others beat out time on a treadmill - I found that incredibly therapeutic.

Also, meditation - allowing the horrible feelings to be there with me, not trying to push them away, not judging them and myself, just acknowledging them - sometimes it helped.

Still holding my hand out for you.

Badvoc Tue 28-May-13 12:04:57

Oh LQ sad
I used to do that too with the phone.
I remember a dear friend phoning once and I cried and cried and felt such anger toawrds her because she woke ds1 up.
I remember vividly just standing in the nursery....just standing...looking at the dresser with all his vests and socks in and there were no matching socks for his little outfit and I burst into tears sad
Op....you are not alone x

LaQueen Tue 28-May-13 13:14:33

Badvoc oh, yes the overwhelming rage if someone/something spoilt your routine sad

And, I was just so frightened all the time. I was well aware that I wasn't myself anymore, and it terrified me (if you met me IRL, I'm really laid-back, always the joker in the group, very blithe).

Can remember sobbing so many times to my Mum, saying 'I can't cope..I can't cope...' And, bless her she just didn't understand.

All she could see was that I was living in a lovely house, with a lovely new baby, a lovely new nursery courtesy of Mamas&Papas, a wardrobe full of beautiful baby clothes, and a DH who doted on us both and who happily paid for a cleaner to come twice a week. So, everything should have been perfect, yes?

She didn't realise that it was all totally meaningless to me. And, that inside I felt that I was falling down a huge, black hole but never reaching the bottom.

pinkballetflats Tue 28-May-13 13:17:55

LaQueen - I can completely relate - that seemed to be everybody's opinion, including my H at the time. What on earth did I have to be sad about/overwhelmed about?

I felt like the most selfish, ungrateful person alive. I got so sick of hearing "Look what you have!!" "Pull yourself together." "Get off your lazy ass and do something about it!"

LaQueen Tue 28-May-13 13:25:08

pink yep, to on-lookers I had it so very, very easy - my life must have looked perfect.

Just after DD1 was born, DH bought me a new car...my Mum 'Now that will make you feel much better, surely?'

Er - no, actually. Not at all. I couldn't care less.

It's why I get so cross when people reckon that celebrities, with nannies and every material benefit, can't possibly get PND. Of course they can. It's nothing to do with what's around you, it's what's inside your head.

CailinDana Tue 28-May-13 15:25:15

Hi all. I'm so touched by your support and concern thank you. I'm so so today - had to have breast biopsy due to a lump. Rotten procedure. Doc isn't worried just wanted to check. So now i have to bf with a painful boob. I would give up bfing in a second if dd would take a bloody bottle.

Badvoc Tue 28-May-13 15:30:45

Op...if it protects your MH then dd will have to take a bottle. Sorry to be blunt about it, but having been there I know that ff saved my sanity!
LQ...I am the same. Irl I am on the B of gov, secretary of our local church council, outgoing, fun, loving...but whilst I had pnd I became a non person. A husk.
I remember telling my gp I couldn't be depressed (like you, lovely dh, nice house etc) because I didn't have anything to be depressed about!
In reality of course ds was a very very poorly baby and we were both the victim of medical negligence. It would have been a miracle if I hadn't got pnd.
Like you, I also went on to have another dc and I was very very wary and always on the look out, but other than the usual day 4 sobbing fit I was fine.
It's not a life sentance op x

Badvoc Tue 28-May-13 15:32:02

I don't think any new mother has it easy tbh, ESP celeb mothers.
At least I didn't have hello camped outside my house and trying to snap my in unflattering poses....sad

CailinDana Tue 28-May-13 16:14:29

Any ideas on how to get dd to take a bottle?

pinkballetflats Tue 28-May-13 16:15:47

Leave the house and let your DH give it to her? I'm sorry, I've not had any experience with this, but I would imagine you being around might make it harder?

flippinada Tue 28-May-13 16:21:23

Sorry to hear that Cailin about the body. That's the last thing you need right now isn't it.

I think the stuff about bf/ff is interesting. I was desperate to breast feed but found it just too much - and I did try, really really hard. I agonized over it all but it seems such a small thing now.

Maybe your DH giving her a bottle is worth a try?

CailinDana Tue 28-May-13 16:21:59

She gets so worked up i don't know if it'd work.
Will have to go hardcore at the weekend I
think

CailinDana Tue 28-May-13 16:23:19

Dh does give her the bottle but she just won't suck.

flippinada Tue 28-May-13 16:23:32

I meant biopsy. My phone is working against me today confused .

CailinDana Tue 28-May-13 16:30:41

It wasn't pleasant! I cried when they did it which was mighty embarrassing.

flippinada Tue 28-May-13 16:33:25

I think I'd cry too if I had a biopsy! They are not pleasant.

CailinDana Tue 28-May-13 17:57:04

Facing another evening and night with dd. It feels endless.

pinkballetflats Tue 28-May-13 18:26:14

We're all here, Cailin.

flowers

RainbowSpiral Tue 28-May-13 18:27:47

Yes I had serious postnatal psychosis and PND with my second son. He's just turned ten and yes I do love my life. I enjoy being a mum and I have a good part-time job and dh and I are doing well.

I think it was only really the first year which was a bit of a blurr. I enjoyed his toddlerhood. My elder son remembers a wee bit but he has not been affected either.

In terms of your partner, just hang in there. You will feel better about both the baby and your partner once you are well. It's very hard, but it is a waiting game.

Apparentlychilled Tue 28-May-13 18:34:55

Yy to what pink and rainbow said. We're all here and your dc will not remember this. And it will pass

LaQueen Tue 28-May-13 19:01:13

Sorry Cailin I can't help with getting your DD to FF? I can't really remember how we did it with DD1? I think it must have been easy, else I would remember, but then she'd only BF for about 4 weeks.

Once FF was sorted, I used to go to bed about 8pm, DH would give DD1 her last bottle at 10pm, then generally she wouldn't wake until about 3am? This meant I got a good 6 hours sleep before she woke for her night feed.

Wheresthecoffee Tue 28-May-13 19:16:52

DD was ff from the beginning so I can't offer much about switching. She does however have reflux and it was always worse at night. DP and I would take it in turns to wind then sit up with her so the other could at least get some sleep.
Pnd is so awful and not having enough sleep makes everything feel worse. Try not to be too hard on yourself, there is a reason that sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture!

CailinDana Tue 28-May-13 20:12:15

Dd was sleeping 5-6 hours and even did a couple of full nights but that's out the window now. She'll only sleep on me

Badvoc Tue 28-May-13 20:14:04

Op...do post on the bf and ff threads for help x

Wheresthecoffee Tue 28-May-13 20:56:59

Sound advice from badvoc I hope she settles a bit for you tonight brew

Can I ask what bottle you are using Calin? Maybe either try a different teat or, once you've got her sucking at the breast, try easing her off on to the bottle.

(I can also send you a Tommee Tippee bottle if you want to try something else).

I'll be back tomorrow with more info about switching, off to bed as I'm so knackered!

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 08:09:39

We have two different types of bottle, one is a tomee tipee i think. The annoying thing is she used to take a bottle no problem.
Not a good night last night. Very tired.

Badvoc Wed 29-May-13 13:29:19

Can I suggest a latex teat?
Much softer.
On,y way ds1 could suck effectively. Silicone teats were just too hard for him.
I used NUK teats and boots bottles.
X

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 13:49:40

Feeling a tiny bit better today thanks in no small part to your support. Thank you flowers

Badvoc Wed 29-May-13 13:52:26

You are welcome.
Well dine for starting this thread btw.
That was brave x

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 13:57:37

I don't feel brave. I feel scared. Of what i don't know. I wish i could shake the fear.

Badvoc Wed 29-May-13 14:03:37

Well, you are brave op.
You started a thread asking for help.
I didn't do that.
You went to the gp when you knew something wasn't right.
I didn't do that.
I think you are a bloody marvel smile
I shall tell you a story which may help cheer you up when you feel anxious...earlier today I took my 2 dc to a local shopping centre.
We are trying to find a b day gift for dh.
How could I possibly cock that up, you ask?.....
In M&S it was decided by the dc that they wanted a drink and biscuit so off we trot to the escalators.
Except.....
I proceeded to try and get me and ds2 (4) up the down escalator!!
My mother said we were galloping up the steps like deranged ponies grin
I hope that the mental image of me (a 40 year old with a dodgy pelvic floor) galloping up the down escalator will help to raise a smile! smile

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 14:36:23

Haha smile

Badvoc Wed 29-May-13 14:39:36

Oh! The mortification!....

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 14:41:25

Sounds like something i'd do!

Wheresthecoffee Wed 29-May-13 16:23:46

I think its often best to carry on as if nothing has happened when I do that sort of thing too badvoc that must have been a real workout getting to the top! grin

Badvoc Wed 29-May-13 16:49:24

Oh yes, I was the epitome of insouciance!

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 17:02:25

I feel remarkably well this evening, like there's hope ahead. I know i'll have low points again but i'm enjoying the up while it lasts.

Badvoc Wed 29-May-13 17:03:57

smile

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 17:07:43

Dd took some milk from a bottle earlier then i had a nice bath with her.

Badvoc Wed 29-May-13 17:08:31

That sounds positive! smile

flippinada Wed 29-May-13 18:47:31

Just checking in and I see DD has had some milk from a bottle - that's really good news smile .

flippinada Wed 29-May-13 18:50:09

Reading a bit further down (after jumping in feet first) it's great to hear that you're having a good evening,*Cailin*. It's just lovely when you start feeling "normal" again.

I have oodles of funny stories about dippy things I've done if you want yo read something funny.

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 19:12:19

Dippy stories are always welcome. I'm forever making a tit of myself.

flippinada Wed 29-May-13 19:19:27

Well this week so far has been somewhat 'challenging', shall we say.

On Monday I was off (bank holiday) so all good except..I forgot to pay for DS lunch and got an (understandably) stroppy phone call from the school - this sort of thing always leaves me feeling like a badly behaved small child grin.

On Tuesday, racing out the door, I get on the bus and realise I've forgotten my lovingly prepared thrown together from leftovers-- lunch.

Today, I managed to remember my lunch, but did manage to forget my purse.

Perhaps tomorrow I may actually have a day without something going wrong, thanks to my own ineptitude :D

flippinada Wed 29-May-13 19:20:17

It appears I have forgotten how to format as well confused. Oh dear..

Apparentlychilled Wed 29-May-13 19:31:01

So glad today had been better Cailin- well done you and well done to your dd! Xx

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 19:36:22

smile
Anyone have any advice on how to get dd to sleep in her cot? I feel a total novice, you'd never think i'd already done this once!

flippinada Wed 29-May-13 19:42:56

I'm not sure if this will be any help but DS always went down really well with baby sleeping bags.

I know my sis has had a lot of success with a stick on black out blind - her wee one was having 5am starts. Will DD sleep at all on her own?

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 19:46:08

Nope. She used to go down in her basket every night around 9 for 5-6 hours but she suddenly stopped and now wakes up after 5 mins so then i just co sleep as it's easier.

Just saw this. I hope you are continuing to feel better.

I have terrible pnd with ds2. My notes after ds1 actually said to look out for Pnd in any future pregnancies as they had deemed me borderline with ds1 but just kept an eye out rather than addressing it. Which worked out fine.

With me, it came to a head the day the new washing machine was delivered. You can imagine what the laundry basket looks like after a week, when you have a new baby, and a 3 year old. The delivery people dropped the washing machine, and it broke. I was quoted another weeks wait for a new one. My gp rang and queried why I had not turned up for my appointment. I had forgotten. I burst into tears. I ranted about mountains of laundry and broken washing machines. I was in such a state. The same evening I got out of the house at 2 am, grabbed the car keys. My dh woke up by the front door slamming behind me. The next day I rant the surgery and screamed "I cant take any more, I want to F*&^ing die" They sent the emergency mental health team out. And my health visitor came out to chat every day for two weeks, until I got counselling going.
I never took my ADs. DH said "anybody looking at our life can see it is shit. Lets try address this first".

He bought me a bicycle. The idea was fresh air, exercise and time out together as a family. Good food played and important part too. He started cooking. He made healthy salad and veg based meals with fish, and started buying smoked salmon. For the omega3. Omega 3 is a natural anti depressant. Sleep-training ds2 was also a vital part of my recovery as I was awfully sleep deprived. a Life turned around slowly. We got an au pair to help also. Vital, as I had spd and mobility issues, could not carry much etc. Nor walk a lot.

I hope you get there!

flippinada Wed 29-May-13 20:04:21

Is there any comfort object (apart from your boobs smile) that could be used to help her settle?

Just off the top of my head, but have the sleeplessness/not wanting to be in her own room coincided with the longer daylight hours?

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 20:13:16

No comfort object and the waking is only since last week so not a big change in the light. She literally changed from one night to the next. So annoying.

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 20:18:02

Thank you for sharing your story qod. I'm glad you got through it

flippinada Wed 29-May-13 20:25:05

I was hoping that it might be the light cos then blackout blinds might h Not much use I know, sorry x

The sudden change in sleep could also be a growth spurt. I recommend that you buy 'the wonder weeks' book. It helped me SO much during PND, as I could understand why his behaviour changed suddenly.

(like this evening for instance - normally goes into cot no problem. Tonight, it took 1.5 hours and I ended up giving in and sneaking out for a fag, and OH had a go. He just kept crying everytime I went to leave the room. Check the wonder week book, and d'oh he's slap bang in the middle of the 55 week growth spurt!)

Glad to hear that the bottle thing might be working again - and there is nothing like sharing a calm bath with your baby...warm and snuggly. If you do want to get a comfort object, try wearing it down your top so it smells like you (never wash unless it's covered in poo or something), and try having it in her hands when you're feeding etc.

mrsannekins Wed 29-May-13 20:31:18

I have/had PND, just starting to come off my meds now after 16 months...it isn't easy, and its been a long journey and I've finally come to accept and cherish the person I've become, and cannot give my little girlie enough cuddles and kisses.

Take all the help you can get, never be afraid that people will think you are a bad mother, and try to get out of the house for a walk every day, exercise works wonders. I also find that if I know I'm going to have a bad day, getting involved in a task that involves lots of concentration, or 'active thinking' seems to help avoid the worse bits....baking does the job for me, my DH knows I'm not doing so well when I've made 2 cakes, brownies, a pie, scones and biscuits before midday!!!!

Something else I found was keeping a diary, but I would always rip out the pages when I was having a bad day, so that a) I could look back through it to remind myself of the good times, and b) as if to acknowledge that that day was done and dusted and wouldn't be repeated. Gradually, I've done that less and less.

Good luck with your journey, please PM me if I can do anything to help, even just a chat x

CailinDana Wed 29-May-13 20:35:30

Thanks mrs

Wheresthecoffee Wed 29-May-13 21:44:53

I'm in the middle of getting DD to settle in her cot as she's mobile now and not safe in her Moses anymore! I put her down awake when I know she's tired and she cries immediately, I sit next to the cot with my hand on her tummy/back making shhhing sounds quietly. 80%of the time she grizzles and cries for a bit. I'm waiting for the pauses in between grizzles/cries to get longer, once they have then I sit on the bed, in the same room making shhhing sounds when she cries. The pauses get longer until she dozes off.

At the minute I stay in the room till she's asleep, soon I'll try waiting on the landing. If she's upset and there are no pauses in her cries I pick her back up, have a cuddle, nothing very stimulating just to settle her down. Then she goes back in and we start again. She is starting to settle more quickly (around 15 mins now).
When I first began, it easily took 40 minutes or so, I don't leave her to cry for many minutes I find she goes past her sleep then and it's counter productive for us both. All babies are different though, my method is one Ive cobbled together from endless googling coupled with trial and error!

DS is 6 and the little I do remember from his early months (relationship at that point was v abusive so memory here is quite sketchy) is to stay as consistent as possible. I'm so glad you had some lovely positive experiences today smile

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 07:39:52

What age is your dd coffee? Does she sleep through?

Wheresthecoffee Thu 30-May-13 08:54:16

Morning cailin, DD is 6 months this week. She goes to bed around 6.30pm then has a dream feed at 10pm. She sleeps then until 5.30am although she has been starting to wake earlier over this last week.

DDs first months were really difficult, she rarely slept after 2am. I can totally sympathise, sleep deprivation really wears you down!

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 09:45:01

I really beat myself up about not being able to "manage" dd. She'll only nap on me so i rarely get a chance to do housework or play with ds.

LaQueen Thu 30-May-13 10:26:14

Cailin regarding the fear. I suffered terrible feelings of real fear with my PND. I'd never experienced real fear before.

But, eventually it kinda got 'Oh, right, yes here's the fear again, right oh, nothing new there then' And, your body does adapt.

You genuinely wouldn't expect to always, always feel happy would you? No, of course not...and in just the same way, your body can't sustain you always, always feeling fear either.

Eventually, it does fade away, or at least you become more hardened to it.

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 10:33:53

Dd is whinging and i haven't a clue what's wrong with her. I never know

Badvoc Thu 30-May-13 10:38:57

Teething?
Wind?
Tired?
Hot?
Cold?
Hungry?
I used to have list like this I would run through and if none of it helped I just accepted ds1 was having a bad day (we all have those, right?)
Am so sorry op.
The fear and anxiety are crippling at times.

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 10:44:35

I think she's tired but getting her to sleep is a major operation.

Badvoc Thu 30-May-13 10:53:24

Have you checked out the baby whisperer book?
If did help me - as much as anything could!
It helped me feel I had some routine and control over sleep time.

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 10:56:05

I'll have a look

pinkballetflats Thu 30-May-13 10:57:21

Cailin

Forgive me if you've already answered this - I don't think I've seen the answer ont his thread...how old is LO?

I was going to suggest the Baby Whisperer yesterday - it really helped me, having a flexible routine gave me something to focus on and gave me structure that I needed...I wasn't militant with it (that's not what the BW is about, it's more about you and LO being a team and figuring it out together) but having that bit of structure helped in some way.

pinkballetflats Thu 30-May-13 11:00:25

Can I just say, Quintessential, how utterly amazing your DH sounds?

Wheresthecoffee Thu 30-May-13 11:06:11

I used to put DD in her pram and go for a walk when she couldn't sleep (to the local shop mostly for things I didn't need but having a purpose helped). I found taking the focus away from actually trying to get her to sleep helped me to stop crying feel a bit better.

In the house I felt trapped, frustrated, guilty...walking DD in the pram and listening to music was the closest I got to the break I craved on some days. I made myself think that if she slept then great, if not then she was safe and needed little attention from me for a while.

I still do this now, its my way of exerting a little control in a world that can't really be orderly.In fact I'm taking DD and DS over to the park shortly to do this!

kalidasa Thu 30-May-13 11:56:00

We had a big struggle getting ds onto bottles but had to persist because I was going back to work (from 4 months). He is mix fed now (at 6 months). Anyway we tried pretty much every bottle but had most success with the 'breastflow' ones. Worth a try? The advice I was given was to persist, offer bottle instead of breast for one feed each day, you need to be out of the way, right out of the house if possible, person offering it (e.g. DH) should try to be calm and cheerful about it and give a sense of enjoying the 'special time'. DH would watch cartoons with him at the same time. Try at a point when you think the baby is getting hungry but not yet ravenous/desperate. Drop the attempt as soon as the baby becomes stressed or upset, but don't immediately give a breastfeed instead.

Breastfeeding definitely contributed to my PND (was severe, now in the 'moderate' category). There is nothing wrong with moving away from breastfeeding if you think it is a major contributory factor for you.

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 14:17:11

Dd is 3 months pink.

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 17:41:20

For some reason she has hardly fed today and won't latch. Feeding was the one reliable thing.

Badvoc Thu 30-May-13 17:57:16

Oh gosh...12 weeks is still such early days op!
You both need to get to know one another and learn each others little ways and what works and what doesn't.
Perhaps she is under the weather? The only time my 2 don't eat is when they are ill/coming down with something.

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 17:59:15

Maybe. I'm just dreading a bad night.

Badvoc Thu 30-May-13 18:01:07

I can understand that.
I am ill ATM (bloody ulcerated throat) so won't be asleep much tonight either sad
Will be around if you need to chat x

Apparentlychilled Thu 30-May-13 18:03:00

Cailin. I really relate- by 12 weeks w ds I was sick of being tired and had "decided" before he arrived that things wd get better from 12 weeks. When they didn't, I was distraught. It is true that 12 weeks is still pretty new but 3 months of crap sleep is a long time.

How was last night? Other than feeding, how has dd been today?

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 18:03:25

Thanks x hope you feel better soon

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 18:06:40

Last night wasn't great, got max 2hours in a row. Dd's not been too bad today, mil is here so she's helping. I'm currently in bed. Dd is with dh crying.

Badvoc Thu 30-May-13 18:10:37

Thank you.
I had a little visitor last night (ds2) and then he fell out of bed with such a clatter at 2.30am!
So I got about 2 hours too and it is grim

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 18:13:11

Dd just took 2oz of milk from a bottle! Miracles fucking bloody well do happen!!

Badvoc Thu 30-May-13 18:18:02

Yay!!
So pleased for you (and her)
X

CailinDana Thu 30-May-13 18:43:36

smile

flippinada Thu 30-May-13 18:45:07

grin 2oz - yay!

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 30-May-13 18:54:59

smile yay!!

Apparentlychilled Thu 30-May-13 19:19:51

Yay to Cailin and babyCailin!

LaQueen Thu 30-May-13 20:25:30

Squeeeee well done Caillin and your DD smile

Wheresthecoffee Thu 30-May-13 20:53:05

Woo! Hoo! Great news smile

Willdoitinaminute Thu 30-May-13 21:59:01

I had PND with DS. It started around 10 mnths and after 9mnths of ads I was much better. I still have 'dark times' but I recognise the symptoms and find a little time out does the trick. I try not to socialise too much since being around people tends to reinforce my paranoid thoughts. It's a bit like putting your feet up for your brain and not overstimulating it too much.

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 14:53:31

Not sure how i feel today. Got dd to nap by endlessly rocking her in the buggy. I wish everything wasn't such a struggle.

Badvoc Fri 31-May-13 15:53:07

I used to do that too cailin sad
It won't always be a struggle.
Your dd won't be a helpless baby forever and these feelings will pass.
I know you don't think so ATM, but it's true. Honest.

Apparentlychilled Fri 31-May-13 16:40:41

Did you manage to sit down with a cuppa while she napped? And it's a pain that you needed to rock her, but I'm sure it's the beginning of her being able to nap- you WILL get there, the two of you. As Badvoc says above, it won't always be so hard.

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 18:19:18

Yeah i had a bit of a break. Dd is very unsettled, no idea what's wrong with her. I keep reminding myself that every day i get through i won't have to live it ever again. A horrible way to spend dd's babyhood but it's the only way i can manage.

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 18:29:38

I am ashamed to say it but i often feel that i hate dd.

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 18:32:32

Actually it's more like i'm afraid of her.

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 18:45:10

Having a tough time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel today.

LaQueen Fri 31-May-13 18:49:40

Yes, I totally identify with the feeling of being afraid of your baby.

I was definitely afraid of DD1. Why? I have simply no idea. She was this tiny, exquisitely beautiful (even with PND I could see that she was physically beautiful) baby...but, I was genuinely scared of her - and didn't want to be left alone with her.

Not, that I ever even contemplated hurting her, I really didn't. But, I was just so scared of what she might do/not do...what might happen/not happen...taking care of DD1 was fraught with unknowns and uncertainties. And, I just couldn't cope with that.

Looking back, I realise that my personality (highly organised, direct, specific, very precise) is very poorly suited to life with a new born, where everything is chaotic, and muddled and open-ended for the first months.

Once DD1 got into a regular routine at about 4 months, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I felt I was back in control more.

Badvoc Fri 31-May-13 18:54:43

I used to call ds1 "it" sad
A regular refrain was me in tears and petrified asking dh "what's wrong with it?"
It's hard for me to admit that, even on an anonymous forum....ds1 is a wonderful, amazing, very special boy and I still find it hard to equate how I feel about him now as opposed to how I felt then.
There will be ups and downs.
Days when it seems to be one step forward and two back.
Get out in the garden if you have one. Get some vitamin d. Let dh take over with dd and ds.
Do something for you

LaQueen Fri 31-May-13 18:58:49

Don't feel bad about it Badvoc.

Looking back at myself when I had PND I genuinely don't recognise myself, I really don't. Close friends admit I was very different during that time (which I think is them being kind, to say the least).

Badvoc Fri 31-May-13 19:05:38

I can hardly believe what I used to say and think about my lovely boy sad
But that was then.
As you say, I was very ill different then.
This thread has been a real eye opener for me.
I think one of the most insidious things about any sort of depression is that there is still such a stigma attached to it, even in this day and age.
You wouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed about any other illness...why pnd?

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 19:24:53

Because it affectsvyour personality badvoc and that's really scary. The idea that you can change as a person is such a horrible one that people prefer to think it's down to weakness in the person rather than an illness that can hit anyone anytime

Badvoc Fri 31-May-13 19:30:00

Yes.
I am sure you are right.
I read somewhere that 1 in 3 people will suffer from MH issues in their lifetime.
Reading this thread I know I am in good company smile

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 19:32:24

smile
dd refused the bottle tonight. Oh well.
This will not last forever {repeat}

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 19:34:58

I know dd is a lovely little girl who deserves the best. I owe it to her to slog this out as best i can.

Badvoc Fri 31-May-13 19:35:33

Exactly.
Repeat.
Again and again and again.

Apparentlychilled Fri 31-May-13 19:52:35

And to yourself, sweetheart. You WILL come out of this and will be yourself again- warm, loving, interested in both dc, able for anything.

CailinDana Fri 31-May-13 20:09:53

Thank you for your support guys, it's a huge help

Badvoc Fri 31-May-13 20:17:35

No worries smile
I think (from memory) I noticed a massive change in ds1 once I weaned him and its something you often hear on MN...not that I am advocating early weaning - but some dc do seem to sleep/nap/are happier once solids are introduced, especially if they were never great bf/Ffers.
And of course the bf/ff reduce too.
It will get better.
I can promise you that.

LaQueen Fri 31-May-13 20:32:05

You will get better Cailin I promise. You will.

You won't even really notice that you're getting better, it will happen so gently. But it will happen.

I think our DDs were 2.5, and 3.5 before I could take a look at myself, and realise that my PND had gone.

I remember I had driven up to visit one of my best friends, at her parents house, in the middle of nowhere. Wasn't sure of the way. Had to do my bedtime routine in a strange house. Had to settle DDs to sleep in a strange house (and I had terrible control issues/rages if things weren't perfectly right).

And, I was absolutely fine. Didn't even break a sweat. And, I could have cried with relief, and I thought 'So this is what it should feel like.'

Wheresthecoffee Fri 31-May-13 20:36:28

Be kind to yourself Cailin, you're doing the best for your baby that you can right now and that's what matters. You're not alone in having felt fear/anger/resentment towards your LO, that is one of the cruelest twists of PND.

I was fearful, fearful because when 'the baby' cried I felt rage. I never hurt her or even came near to it but the fear that I may lose control was ever present. My CBT therapist tells me that the people who worry they are bad mothers/may hurt their baby etc are exactly the people who never do. Because the people who do that sort of thing rarely question it as bad parenting.

Yes, pnd distorts your thinking and in turn behaviours, but you are still in there and you can (and are) getting through this.

Badvoc Sat 01-Jun-13 13:05:35

Thinking of you today op x

CailinDana Sat 01-Jun-13 15:30:49

Thank you badvoc. It's been a pretty good day - dh and mil took dcs to the park this morning so i got a bit of a break and we're just back from a pub lunch where dd slept the whole time. I still feel rubbish though.

Badvoc Sat 01-Jun-13 15:35:10

I know.
It's very draining isnt it?
And so wanting to get better
Glad you had a rest today.
Just a thought I had earlier...are you taking any supplements ATM?
I know you will need to be careful with your current meds but perhaps a fish oil and multi vit might help long term with your health?
Also...don't just stay on these meds if you don't feel they are helping...there are loads out there. It took me 3 goes to get the "right" one!

CailinDana Sat 01-Jun-13 15:58:45

I'm limited with what meds i can take due to bfing. Dd is still not keen on the bottle so i might be stuck with the ones i have.

CailinDana Sat 01-Jun-13 16:00:02

I should be taking supplements though, will sort that.

Badvoc Sat 01-Jun-13 16:18:03

I Would recommend good quality fish oils and a good multi vitamin.
A good brand are veg EPA.
You need high EPA, not DHA.

CailinDana Sat 01-Jun-13 17:14:15

I'm trying hard to be ok with muddling through rather than perfect. That's tough for me.

Badvoc Sat 01-Jun-13 17:20:19

Yes. It was hard for me too. Though to let stuff go and just go with the flow.

flippinada Sat 01-Jun-13 17:37:20

Just checking int o see how you are doing today Cailin. Glad you got a little rest.

I know that the recovery is slow (too slow if you ask me) but just reading back through the thread you are sounding a bit brighter and I think that's a really positive sign - you are starting to recover.

Having those moments of 'normality' is good and you will find that gradually, you will have more and more 'normal' moments until they outweigh the crappy stuff and then one day you will realise you've had an entire day of feeling 'normal'.

Apparentlychilled Sat 01-Jun-13 22:07:59

Just reaching out to you tonight Cailin. Thinking of ou and hoping dd has a good night.

CailinDana Sun 02-Jun-13 09:30:25

Thanks chilled. Not a great night but feeling only moderately awful today.

CailinDana Sun 02-Jun-13 16:20:46

The breast where i had the biopsy is lumpy red and sore. Rang the breast clinic and they just said to go to the gp tomorrow if it's not better. Sigh. It's just one thing after another at the moment.

Badvoc Sun 02-Jun-13 16:29:39

sad
Yes it must seem unrelenting at the mo.
Hope you get more help ar the breast clinic x

NamelessMcNally Sun 02-Jun-13 16:44:46

Cailin,
I've avoided your thread as I still feel my experience with PND is so raw. I think I probably had ante and pnd with both children. DD is just over 4, DS just turned 2. I finally sought help when DS was about 3 months old. I would not take ads as I believed that bf was the only thing I was doing right in all my parenting. I had CBT and it really changed my life. Not through nhs and free and quick. If you are in NI I can give you the details of the specific provider. If not would you contact someone like mind and see if they have any resources?

I can't say when I became free of depression. I thought I was free of it after the CBT but looking back that had taken me a fair bit from rock bottom. Enough to allow me to keep on going. I realised recently I am though.

I'm still not the parent I would want to be. I'm a perfectionist and accepting that actually good enough is good enough is an ongoing battle.

But you will get there.

CailinDana Sun 02-Jun-13 16:55:03

Thank you nameless. Can i ask you, honestly, how you find life with your two these days? Do you enjoy it?

NamelessMcNally Sun 02-Jun-13 17:39:24

I enjoy lots of aspects of being a parent and I don't remember when I last cried after a bad day. DS is a typical rough and tumble toddler trying to assert his own independence. With DD nothing is ever easy. I think that is part character and part relates to my depression and how I related to her in early days.

You find what works for you.

I went back to work 3 days a week when DS was 4.5 months and I needed some time outside the house. I would not enjoy full time parenting. That doesn't make me a bad parent. SAHM is in my mind the hardest job in the world.

I try to make sure I find some positive time with dd every day and we do a bit of love bombing. If I am feeling overwhelmed I invite a friend round for her - changes the dynamic and gives her another outlet for her energy. I find two 4 year olds easier than one. I try to remember she is only small and reduce my expectations. We read an build a lot.

DH has a few weekends away coming up and I'm not looking forward to it. So I'll arrange play dates, maybe get the GPs to have the children for a few hours one day. Take whatever help I can get. Ask for it and plan it.

I do stuff for me. Running. If I'm getting jangly I whack on my trainers and go. Because my family need me to be as calm as I can be.

I have let my standards re housework drop like a stone. I accept that's just how it is (most of the time).
And I make sure out contraception is like Fort Knox. DH has had a vasectomy and he has agreed that whilst it would be hard for both of us if I ever get pregnant again he will support me in an abortion. I feel spread really thin and know that I could not cope with another child.

Generally I'm pretty happy. DH is pretty happy. The children are pretty happy. I can look at my reflection and say I'm doing my best and its not too bad.

Apparentlychilled Mon 03-Jun-13 13:09:07

Hey Cailin. I feel like I've not said hi properly for a bit, but wanted to make sure you know that you're still in my thoughts. How are things today? Is the sunshine helping at all? Some days, I found it really helped, and others it just seemed to contrast w my mood.

CailinDana Mon 03-Jun-13 17:37:31

Not too bad a day today. Think the meds are starting to work.

Apparentlychilled Mon 03-Jun-13 17:38:27

Yay for the drugs! Hang on in there.

CailinDana Tue 04-Jun-13 17:26:12

I actually feel relatively normal today. I know there'll be good and bad days but i'm definitely beginning to see dd as a cute innocent baby rather than a scary menace. Her sleeping is horrendous and she still won't take a bottle so i'm proper tired but still i feel more together and with it than this time last week.

Badvoc Tue 04-Jun-13 17:53:05

That's great news smile

Apparentlychilled Tue 04-Jun-13 19:10:42

Cailin, I'm so pleased for you that you're feeling better. And (if this doesn't sound too stalker-ish), I feel really proud of you that you've kept plugging away when you've felt so rotten and now you're reaping the rewards! My experience is that it's baby steps and there will be the odd rotten day, but once things started to get better for me, even bad days weren't as bad as the original bad days, if that makes sense.

CailinDana Tue 04-Jun-13 19:21:02

I get you chilled. I'm wary of assuming that everything is suddenly fine - i know i'm not better yet. I do feel like the fog is starting to clear slowly which is such a relief.

Apparentlychilled Tue 04-Jun-13 19:25:42

When I was getting better, I felt like I was slowing finding myself again. So some days there would be a step back, but because I'd had loads of days of 2 steps forward, I never went all the way back into the fog.

I hope that you're really proud of yourself too. Enjoy the good days and if a bad day comes, it's easier to know that it's just one bad day once things improve.

xx

flippinada Tue 04-Jun-13 19:28:44

So pleased to read your news Cailin smile

I'm glad things are improving for you.

It's also easier to tackle things (like the sleeping) when you are feeling better in yourself I think.

flippinada Tue 04-Jun-13 19:30:38

"I hope that you're really proud of yourself too."

This, absolutely. I want to say 'well done' but I'm aware that sounds patronising!

Happiestinwellybobs Tue 04-Jun-13 20:00:46

Really glad things are improving smile

CailinDana Tue 04-Jun-13 20:03:18

Thanks guys. Your support really has helped a lot. I learned from my last bout of depression that sometimes just saying or writing the crazy thoughts robs them of their power. Knowing you were there "listening" and really understanding was a really important outlet for me.

flippinada Tue 04-Jun-13 21:42:06

smile

Wheresthecoffee Tue 04-Jun-13 22:37:22

Just checking in after a few days away, it takes guts to speak out when you're already feeling wretched. That in itself is a huge achievement which will undoubtably go on to help others as they come across this thread. It's great to see you're feeling a bit brighter in yourself smile

CailinDana Wed 05-Jun-13 17:07:04

Bit of a tough day today. Both kids in bad form. I'm very tired and can't see myself getting sleep anytime soon. Just fed up really which i suppose is normal. I hate to admit it but i long for the time pre-dd when our lives were simpler and more fun.

flippinada Wed 05-Jun-13 19:05:55

I hear you Cailin. I remember days like that, they are so draining and the little voice in your head going "life used to be soooo much easier before this...".

Just remember it's not forever (even if it feels like it).

CailinDana Wed 05-Jun-13 19:36:05

Thanks for understanding ada, i feel guilty for feeling so negative about our new life with dd. On the plus side dd took some milk from a bottle so i was able to bath ds and have a play with him which was lovely.

flippinada Wed 05-Jun-13 19:42:26

Please don't feel guilty. I think these dark feelings are part of the tedious head fuck that is PND. Plus, DC, even at their loveliest, and in the nicest way, require a lot of hard work!

flippinada Wed 05-Jun-13 19:44:46

Also, it's lovely you got to spend a but of time with DS. I bet he loved having you to himself.

Apparentlychilled Wed 05-Jun-13 22:43:57

I can only second what flippin says above. And also, I really relate as felt that DD was only just getting a bit easier (she was 3) when I stupidly went and had DS, taking us all the way back to new baby sleeplessness/imprisonment. So I think it's all part of the horrid PND and v v v normal.

if it's any comfort, I had both DC all day today (DS is in childcare 3 days a week and DD is in preschool each day, so this was kind of rare). And do you know what?- we had a lovely day (not perfect (there were stern words w DS at tea time and DD at bathtime) but still lovely). And that's something I never ever ever would have thought possible even 6 months ago as I felt so trapped by them.

Hang in there. And congrats on DD taking a bottle and getting time w DS!

CailinDana Thu 06-Jun-13 10:00:23

Thanks. Was due to go to soft play with a friend and his daughter but he cancelled 25 mins before we were due to meet. Hacked off. Nothing else to do today so it's another day cooped up in the house. Great fun.

Apparentlychilled Thu 06-Jun-13 10:43:09

That's really really annoying. Any baby groups on around you? Or could you go for a walk and a coffee (bribe DS w biscuit to sit still), just to get out of the house?

CailinDana Thu 06-Jun-13 11:14:08

Ds isn't the problem, it's dd as she cries so much. Not a problem at soft play but stressful elsewhere. Plus i don't feel at all confident going anywhere with the two of them on my own. No groups on nearby. Just have to write this day off i think.

Wheresthecoffee Thu 06-Jun-13 13:03:37

I still struggle when plans are changed at the last minute, that's so rubbish for you that it happened today. A change of scene can help, could you walk to the local shop for an ice cream and have a slow walk home in the sun? Get some vit D?
John Lewis here have loads of mums and little ones in the cafe, I take DD in there to feed when she's really refluxy. I feel more comfortable sitting near other mums with children who are as noisy as mine! Is there anywhere near you similar?
I'm midlands based, pm me if you fancy a meet...

CailinDana Thu 06-Jun-13 13:13:13

We went for a walk and no disasters befell us! I have to go to the gp later because my biopsy wound seems infected. Luckily my neighbour is looking after ds so i only have to bring dd. How old are your children chilled and coffee?

Apparentlychilled Thu 06-Jun-13 13:29:04

Well done!

4.5 and 19 months (and just found out I'm pg again, so feeling awful w morning sickness today).

Good luck w dr. xx

CailinDana Thu 06-Jun-13 13:33:48

Congratulations on the pregnancy chilled. How are you feeling about the prospect of no.3?

Apparentlychilled Thu 06-Jun-13 13:38:19

Thanks.

Erm, being totally honest? I'm not looking forward to the new baby part and I'd really like to fast forward 18 months, till No3 is about 9 months old. I can't wait to have 3DC and see them all play together. It just feels right that we'll have 3DC, and I'm really relieved that there's no problems so far (I had an ectopic in Oct, so I was quite nervous till I had a scan on Tues).

I think I'm quite anxious about PND for a third time (THIRD- I mean, really- surely I've had my share by now?!), but I made an appointment to meet the counsellor I had before to talk about it all.

Sorry for mini-hijack.

CailinDana Thu 06-Jun-13 13:47:06

Don't be sorry, it's interesting to hear how you feel. I always wanted 3 or 4 children but the pnd has made me feel that i could never face this again. It's actually very heartening to know that you've been here twice and are still quite positive about having another

Apparentlychilled Thu 06-Jun-13 14:06:51

I've realised that I don't really enjoy the little baby stage- I find it a bit suffocating and hard work. But I can't believe how much I am enjoying DS and DD at the mo, and I look forward to having a little gang of 3 to drive me crazy. And I know that even if it does happen again, I know that it WILL end- it won't last forever and I will come out the other side with the 3DC I always dreamed of. And that not enjoying the baby part does not make me a bad mother.

CailinDana Thu 06-Jun-13 14:20:54

You are giving me a lot of hope chilled. I think i'm similar to you - i find the unpredictability and lack of interaction with babies very hard whereas i find toddlers endlessly entertaining. Pre dd ds and i had a great time. I do miss that.

Apparentlychilled Thu 06-Jun-13 19:59:20

You will get it back, w the added plus of seeing your dc interact w one another.

Wheresthecoffee Thu 06-Jun-13 23:14:36

I agree with you both, but until recently would have felt uncomfortable saying that I'm not a fan of the early baby days. I like routine, I like to know whats happening next, I like to plan things, I like hot drinks not lukewarm ones!
I'm looking forward to going back to work too, I've learnt that I don't really enjoy being a SAHM....I need some baby down time for everyones sake. If i spend too long indoors I start to get unreasonably tetchy about the state of the kitchen work tops!
DS is 6 soon and DD 6months. I don't plan to have anymore, but it is heartening to hear your experience chilled and see that it could still be a positive experience.

Apparentlychilled Fri 07-Jun-13 16:05:16

How are you today Cailin?

CailinDana Fri 07-Jun-13 18:11:48

Tired but ok. Busy day which is good, it makes the time pass.

Apparentlychilled Fri 07-Jun-13 19:30:20

I'm so glad to hear that. You sound so much brighter than when you started this thread.

CailinDana Fri 07-Jun-13 20:11:17

Definitely. And that's due partly to you guys. I am so grateful for the support you've given me.

Apparentlychilled Fri 07-Jun-13 20:50:33

I'm so glad to have been able to play a part in that, sweetheart.

Wheresthecoffee Sat 08-Jun-13 15:15:18

That's lovely to hear, I'm pleased we could help a little smile

Apparentlychilled Sat 08-Jun-13 19:53:48

And we'll still be here on good and bad days, Cailin, so please don't feel like you can't come back, just cos things aren't as bad as they were.

flippinada Sat 08-Jun-13 20:06:51

I'm going by no news is good news..in the nicest possible way!

Really glad the fog is starting to lift.

P.S...my baby days are long past but I wasn't keen on them either.

CailinDana Sat 08-Jun-13 21:24:44

Thank you so much guys. Inlaws came over today and we had a bbq. Was a bit stressful as dd was in bad form to begin with and i still can't help feeling like a failure when i can't stop her crying. She calmed down after a while though and we ended up having a lovely day. They wanted us to go for a drive tomorrow but dd is terrible in the car so i said no i'm not up for that yet. They have a tendency to railroad us into things so i'm glad i put my foot down.

Apparentlychilled Sat 08-Jun-13 21:46:22

Well done you for coping w DD being unsettled at first and for doing what's right for you tomorrow. That's brilliant!

I hope I didn't sound too negative in my post earlier- I just wanted to offer continued support.

CailinDana Sat 08-Jun-13 21:50:13

No, no i really appreciate you still being around. I'm totally aware that i'm not out of the woods entirely yet so it's great to know i still have a place to go to vent if i need to.

Apparentlychilled Sat 08-Jun-13 21:54:17

Oh good, I'm glad it came across the right way- my overriding memory of pnd is loneliness, even sometimes when I was "better", or feeling better than before. So happy to be here as and when, sweetheart.

CailinDana Sat 08-Jun-13 21:58:51

Thank you so much it really has been a huge help to me flowers

CailinDana Mon 10-Jun-13 08:47:11

Not feeling great today. Stressed.

Apparentlychilled Mon 10-Jun-13 09:42:48

That's OK- we all have bad days, and it doesn't mean you're going all the way back. Can you plan to get out and spend time w friends? Did you have a bad night?

CailinDana Mon 10-Jun-13 12:32:59

Yeah didn't get much sleep. Have an appt with the psychiatrist later which means a stressful trip to the hospital. I feel that defeated feeling again.

Apparentlychilled Mon 10-Jun-13 12:44:13

lack of sleep makes everything so much worse, so maybe try to tell yourself you just need to get through the day today (even if that means junk food and cbeebies to help keep children amused).

The defeated feeling WILL NOT last forever, I promise. Can you give yourself loads and loads of time to get to hospital? I've found been rushed on time makes me panicked and makes everything feel worse (though my natural inclination is to rush about trying to do 100 things in the time which should take to do about 80 things, giving myself a heart attack in the process). And just say to yourself that the psychiatrist WILL be able to help, and that it will be worth the hassle of getting there?

Apparentlychilled Mon 10-Jun-13 18:07:28

How did the psychiatrist go today, Cailin?

flippinada Mon 10-Jun-13 18:27:06

I hope the psychiatrist visit went ok and that you found it helpful.

I think it very much depends on who you get but mine was really good. It was like, here is someone who just gets it. The sheer relief of knowing that someone understood and I wasn't this horrible, awful, freak.

CailinDana Mon 10-Jun-13 20:17:57

Psych visit was totally pointless - just "how are the meds, ok up the dose" and that was it basically. Dd really unsettled again this evening so another bad night ahead i think.

Apparentlychilled Mon 10-Jun-13 20:24:22

If DD isn't in great form, cd DH take over for a bit so you cd sleep this evening in case tonight is bad?

CailinDana Mon 10-Jun-13 20:31:03

Nope, she'll go ballistic if i hand her over and i won't sleep for her screaming. It's mummy or nothing these days. I can manage, just a bit fed up.

flippinada Mon 10-Jun-13 21:15:27

Poor you, I'm not surprised you're feeling fed up.

Wheresthecoffee Tue 11-Jun-13 09:51:49

Morning Cailin, how did DD settle last night? That's such a shame about the psych meeting, what a disappointment for you. There is help out there, it just well hidden takes a bit of digging to find the right one for you.

Have you spoken to your GP about a referral for CBT? This is one of the the most effective talking therapies for Pnd. I was offered zero help from the Nhs (except medication) but have found private CBT therapy incredibly effective. I was very sceptical to begin with, I didn't expect anything to really work but I'm about to finish my sessions (started in Feb). It sounds like you've had a few successes over the last few days..hold on to those and how you felt smile

CailinDana Tue 11-Jun-13 11:20:30

Again thank you so much for your support. We had a slightly better night last night. Dh is off from tomorrow till monday so i'm going to take every opportunity to catch up on sleep. Took dd out in the car this morning while ds is at playgroup. She screamed for a while then fell asleep so i went shopping for a short while. Stupidly proud of myself.

Wheresthecoffee Tue 11-Jun-13 11:37:18

Be proud of yourself, you deserve it! I'm cheering for you here! I remember sitting in Starbucks with DD and thinking 'ooh, look at me, I'm out. In the real world. Doing something nice. And it's ok!'
Great news for you that your DH is off with you for a few days and that you'll have a chance to catch up a bit too.

<off to daydream about afternoon naps>

Apparentlychilled Tue 11-Jun-13 13:20:03

Be v proud of yourself pet! Well done you!

CailinDana Tue 11-Jun-13 14:42:31

I feel a failure because dd will only nap on me.

Apparentlychilled Tue 11-Jun-13 15:53:40

You're not a failure at all. Though you've had a few good days, my experience is that good days are sometimes followed by bad (2 steps forward and one back, I guess). This WILL pass. And she will learn to self soothe and to nap on her own. Hang in there.

CailinDana Tue 11-Jun-13 16:24:10

I feel like there's just too much to deal with in this awful first year. They change so much.

Apparentlychilled Tue 11-Jun-13 16:43:06

I know. but they do get more interesting, and at the end of it, you'll have a daughter who you can enjoy without trying. If DH is off tomorrow, can you make a plan for him to take over and you to get some sleep? Maybe take the DC out between feeds?

Back2Two Tue 11-Jun-13 17:24:35

Hi OP.
This thread is very moving (it's made me tearful a few times)
I had PND with both my boys. Pretty severe I think. I love ADs as they saved my life.

You sound as though you are doing fantastically well and also as though things are improving. You may not feel it, but I've just read the entire thread and you seem to be coming out of the mist now a bit.

How old is ds?

CailinDana Tue 11-Jun-13 18:15:52

He's 2.5 - a total joy and really well behaved. I think the fact that he's been so easy is partly why whingy dd is such a shock.
Chilled - i'll definitely have a lie in tomorrow but apart from that i prefer to have a normal day so i'll be having some friends around as usual and dh will be there to ease the pressure.
I feel like this low level dissatisfaction is my lot from now on.

Apparentlychilled Tue 11-Jun-13 19:39:02

I promise the low level hacked off feeling will ease. I think I said it upthread (and if so, apologies for repeating myself), but when I was bad, I had a friend who promised that I would be alright, that she believed in me and that she knew it would get better. Even when I couldn't believe any of that, I found that I could trust her belief in me, if that makes sense. If it doesn't feel real or possible that it will get better, maybe hang onto the fact that we all believe in you and believe you will come out the other side of this?

CailinDana Tue 11-Jun-13 20:33:28

I can do that chilled. Thank you.
Btw - 2 miracles happened tonight. Dd took almost 4 ounces from a bottle and is currently asleep in her cot!! How long she'll stay asleep is another questionn but i'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Wheresthecoffee Tue 11-Jun-13 22:08:55

I second what chilled said "if it doesn't feel real or possible that it will get better, hang on to the fact we believe you will come out the other side of this". You can and you will.

Fab news that DD was asleep in her cot and took some from her bottle. All real successes especially as they give you a little breathing space.

Tomorrow sounds nice with DH about and a friendly visit, enjoy your lie in smile

Apparentlychilled Tue 11-Jun-13 22:13:27

Yay for your Dd and enjoy the lie-in!

CailinDana Wed 12-Jun-13 14:30:53

Another slightly better night and a lie in so i'm marginally less tired. We managed to drive to the village for lunch and back with barely a peep out of dd - in fact she slept all through lunch. She seems to be getting used to the car thank god.

Apparentlychilled Wed 12-Jun-13 14:34:55

Hey, that's great news!

CailinDana Wed 12-Jun-13 14:37:00

I think i expect far too much of her considering she's so young.

flippinada Wed 12-Jun-13 14:38:44

smile that's really good news. Glad you had a lie in this morning.

One thing I remember, being able to go out and do things like a 'normal' person left me with such a sense of achievement.

Kittycatcat Wed 12-Jun-13 14:46:46

Hi everyone. Mind if i join you? Have taken my time reading through this thread, and it's very moving. Can absolutely relate to it too. Firstly, yay for your two miracles yesterday Cailin. Sounds like the HV's and GP's are letting you down badly. As people have said before maybe ask to see a different one? There are HV's that specialise in PND.
I was only diagnosed a fortnight ago. I've been avoiding it since DS2 was born in September. DS 1 is 2 and was easy, not the birth so much but from thereon in. DS2 was born with an almost missed tongue tie (discharging midwife spotted it), webbing to toes. And was soon diagnosed with silent reflux to boot. I had an elective due to the complications with DS1 and freaked out from the off. Looking back i wasnt right in hospital, and when they kept finding things i kept wondering what was next. I was convinced something awful was going to happen. Ds2 then fed two hourly and wouldnt be put down. Velcro baby. Because of the silent reflux wouldnt sleep on his back so i co slept for three months until he could support his head and lay on his front. I felt trapped because of the crap winter / two routines meant i couldnt go far / DS2 feeding so regularly. Poor DS1 became as stir crazy as me. It was only when a nursery nurse was sent to weigh DS2 a few weeks ago (low weight gain in 3 weeks cos of constant colds making the reflux worse) that i was honest, i cried. She sent my HV to see me and we did the Edinburgh test. I scored 16 so she referred me to my GP. I had already seen him a week before and he said the same thing as yours. If it was depression you wouldbt be ok at work ( i work Part time), get some excersise. I saw a different doctor the following week who was lovely. and listened. He has put me on fluoxetine, just a 20mg dose. The following week i had a horrendous panic attack at work. But the tablets have now kicked in and i am starting to enjoy my boys again. I feel like i have really let them down and not been the mummy i wanted to be. We go out alot now the routines have settled. I am ok at the moment but so is DS2's reflux and i am not sure how i will be when that flares up again. Come on summer we need you! Sorry that was a bit of an essay. How are you today Cailin?

flippinada Wed 12-Jun-13 14:56:25

My baby days are a long time ago Kitty but I recognise a lot of what you say; feeling trapped, going stir crazy. So glad you are starting to feel a little better.

I do feel angry on behalf of people who have GPs/HVs who aren't any help, there really needs to be more support for and understanding of PND.

CailinDana Wed 12-Jun-13 16:34:42

Thanks for telling your story kitty, i'm glad things are getting better for you. When i start getting all negative about dd i really need to remember today. She was good as gold and we had a lovely day. Lunch earlier, then a trip to the shop for icecream followed by the park. I genuinely enjoyed it and my anxiety is definitely lessening.

CailinDana Wed 12-Jun-13 16:38:31

I am thinking of writing a letter to my gp surgery not complaining as such but just making them aware of what happened with me and suggesting they improve their training.

flippinada Wed 12-Jun-13 16:51:46

That's a good idea Cailin.

In this day and age it's ridiculous that there there's so little understanding of and support for PND. There really should be a nationally accepted code of practice (prob not best form of words but ykim).

Wheresthecoffee Wed 12-Jun-13 20:51:08

It can only be a good thing cailin to highlight to your surgery your experience and the impact it had. Pnd in general seems to be not very well resourced area unfortunately. My gp couldn't refer me for a talking therapy as the list was 'closed'.
I still don't know if that meant full, oversubscribed or that I wasn't 'bad enough' IYSWIM? Whichever it was, it should never be acceptable to turn away a new mother, who is frightened and has finally sought help and advice. Talking openly about Pnd and its effects is one good thing that can come out of experiencing it.
Today sounds lovely for you and this is how depression lifts..we spend a couple of hours a day feeling ok then three, four gradually the balance shifts until the low moments are less than the 'normal' ones.
Hi kitty I feel your pain having a reflux baby, DD has silent reflux. It's good news you were able to see a different and more supportive dr!

Apparentlychilled Thu 13-Jun-13 11:24:39

Cailin- that sounds like a good idea. And great that you feel up to even thinking about something like that. Though it may not feel like it at times, that shows that things are on the up. And I really relate to what Wheresthecoffee said about the shift in good vs bad days. Hang in there.

CailinDana Thu 13-Jun-13 20:05:12

Pretty good day today, we took them to soft play and dd slept most of the time. She was very whingy in the afternoon but it didn't get to me as much as it would have before.i

Apparentlychilled Thu 13-Jun-13 20:36:34

another good day to bank, and to remind yourself that you're doing a good job and you can cope with them both!

CailinDana Sat 15-Jun-13 09:04:15

Feeling like hell today, i'm not sure why. Possibly tiredness.

Apparentlychilled Sat 15-Jun-13 13:58:43

Can you get dh to take the dc out for a bit while you rest? Dd is at swimming w dh so I'm in bed while ds naps.

CailinDana Sat 15-Jun-13 14:16:23

I have some work to do today so trying to squeeze that in. I prefer not to go to bed during the day as it seems to really lower my mood. I think now that i'm on a higher dose of ads the side effects are kicking in. Plus i feel homesick and lonely for my mother even though i know she wouldn't understand me at all.

Kittycatcat Sat 15-Jun-13 17:49:30

What ad's are you on? I did a pg test this am as I've felt so odd. Thankfully it was neg but I'm thinking it must be side effects.hugs.

CailinDana Sat 15-Jun-13 18:15:49

I'm on imipramine kitty. I feel much more anxious and wound up today than i have in the past week.

Apparentlychilled Sat 15-Jun-13 19:42:57

Hi Cailin. Just offering a hand to hold as my brain has deserted me today. Thinking of you.
Ps- I really relate to wanting your mum at a time like this: I craved my mum, even though I knew she'd be rubbish if I had asked her for help. I realised I wanted mothering, not my mum, iykwim. Try to surround yourself w kindness and support. Xx

CailinDana Sun 16-Jun-13 16:44:09

Feeling horrendous today. Dd barely slept last night - i'm guessing 4 month sleep regression - yay!

Apparentlychilled Sun 16-Jun-13 18:57:45

here's hoping DH can help w bedtime and bathtime and that a nice dinner and early bed help you feel better (even if that's only to get a few hours in before DD wakes up). How's she doing now on taking the bottle? If she's still taking some, cd DH maybe give her a feed so you get a bit more sleep tonight?

CailinDana Sun 16-Jun-13 19:20:36

She was really unsettled all day, wouldn't take the bottle and is now gone to bed an hour earlier than usual. I don't think there's much point in dh trying to feed her. I'll just have to go to bed at 8 and hope she sleeps for more than an hour at a time unlike last night.

Apparentlychilled Mon 17-Jun-13 16:22:53

hope today's been better Cailin.

CailinDana Mon 17-Jun-13 20:05:42

Not really chilled. The site where i had the biopsy started oozing again so i went to the gp who gave me more antibiotics. I rang the breast clinic who informed me that it's "normal" for the site to leak milk and that it won't heal until i stop bfing. I was incredulous. I was not told that at the time. Basically she was saying i would have an open, oozing wound that would potentially get infected again and again for months. Why THE BLOODY FUCK did they not tell me this before they did the fucking biopsy??!! The biopsy was far from essential and i would have refused it if i had known what could happen. And of course dd won't take a bottle so it's not as if i can stop bfing. I am so incredibly pissed off.

Apparentlychilled Mon 17-Jun-13 20:16:09

What utter bastards not to have told you that! That's outrageous!

Last week DD was talking 3-4oz, wasn't she? Any luck getting her to up that? Even from DH, if she won't take a bottle from you?

CailinDana Mon 17-Jun-13 20:37:16

She'll still only take about 3oz and then cry for boob.

Kittycatcat Tue 18-Jun-13 08:32:21

Thats awful Cailin. Like you say you wouldnt have had it if you had known. Hope today is better for you.

Apparentlychilled Wed 19-Jun-13 15:12:41

Hey Cailin, just checking in to say hi. How are things?

CailinDana Wed 19-Jun-13 15:48:34

I'm not too bad chilled thanks. Managed to get dd to nap for a short while in her cot today and yesterday so i'm happy about that. Still annoyed about the breast thing and worried that all they'll do tomorrow is tell me to stop bfing which i would gladly do if dd would take a blooming bottle! God i can't wait till dd is a big hardy toddler like ds. How are you?

Apparentlychilled Wed 19-Jun-13 16:00:08

I saw your other thread about the whole biopsy thing. I hope you kick up a proper stink tomorrow- that's really outrageous and can't be helping you or your PND. Tossers! I promise, once you start to feel better, the time will fly by and she will be an active little toddler soon. I can't believe my baby is now 20 months and storming around the house and talking (newest thing is "pick-ee err" for spikey hair: he doesn't have much but what he does have is a natural Mohican!)

Been feeling quite anxious over the last few days. Told PIL on Sunday about DC3. They were meh fine about it all. MIL has clearly told me in the past not to have any more as I 'can't cope' w my DC. Hmm, thanks. DH told them and also told them I was worried about their reactions. Arms length for the next 12 months (or forever maybe). DH is having words with them on Saturday (not least because they let themselves into my house, ninja-like, with no warning, twice this week. Not impressed.). But I had a bit nap today and feel much brighter.

Had 2nd early scan today and it finally feels real that I'm pg! So pleased. EDD is now 24 Jan and I'm nearly 9 weeks pg! Telling my (useless) family on Saturday, as I'm off home for a funeral. Am getting lots of support this time- seeing GP every 4 weeks, going to speak to MW about support and also got my counsellor on speed dial (nothing scheduled but thinking I might try to see her monthly).

CailinDana Wed 19-Jun-13 16:07:55

How exciting about the scan! Lovely. I think if anything shows you can cope it's the fact that you've battled through pnd twice to raise two lovely children and you're willing to battle again if you have to. If that's not coping what is??

The idiots at the clinic better watch out tomorrow.

Kittycatcat Wed 19-Jun-13 16:16:35

Congrats on the scan,apparently. Good idea re counsellor. And ditto what Cailin said. Can't believe your inlaws have let themselves in!!!

Good luck tomorrow Cailin

Apparentlychilled Wed 19-Jun-13 16:34:10

I'm glad other people are outraged that they let themselves in too- I'm so annoyed! we're about to do some work on the house and I think we're about to take the keys back permanently, with that as a pretext. Though I'm kind of minded to say stuff a pretext and tell them exactly what I think!

Will be thinking of you tomorrow Cailin.

Apparentlychilled Thu 20-Jun-13 09:01:34

Good luck today Cailin.

CailinDana Thu 20-Jun-13 14:17:53

Well the news isn't great. Consultant said i'm stuck with a leaking hole in my breast until i stop bfing. The only thing i can do is dress the wound and be fastidious about keeping it clean. That means cleaning and dressing it 4-5 times a day. Which will be easy as i have nothing else to do.

On a minorly positive side he said sorry.

Apparentlychilled Thu 20-Jun-13 14:26:44

sorry?!!! that's the bloody least he should have said! Did he give any reason for not warning you of this BEFORE the op? Tosser!

I know you were keen to get DD to take more from a bottle anyhow. Will you continue to try to get her to do so and see how things go (both w breast healing and dd taking to the bottle)? God help you - this is so unfair, and not what you need at the best of times.

CailinDana Thu 20-Jun-13 14:32:22

We're still trying our best to get dd on a bottle but no luck so far.

Apparentlychilled Sun 23-Jun-13 19:27:51

Hey Cailin. Just a little wave from Yorkshire. Been a bit hectic the last few days w travelling home for funeral etc. am utterly pooped and kind of brainless now- suspect I shd have passed on the funeral. Thinking of you.

CailinDana Mon 24-Jun-13 14:10:39

Having an awful day today. Feeling incredibly guilty about being on meds while bfing. Considering stopping meds.

Apparentlychilled Mon 24-Jun-13 17:20:57

speak to your dr before you do, Cailin- I know they wouldn't have put you on anything that was bad for DD. Deep breath. One day more is nearly over.

CailinDana Mon 24-Jun-13 17:57:56

Thanks as ever chilled. Had a good talk to dh about it and i'm going to stick with the current dose.

Apparentlychilled Mon 01-Jul-13 21:31:45

Hi Cailin

How are things?

CailinDana Mon 01-Jul-13 21:46:05

Hi chilled. Sorry for the slow reply. I'm pretty good. Dd is now taking a small bit of milk enthusiastically every day from a doidy cup. Not a perfect solution as it's no good for night feeds but it's better than nothing. Had a lovely weekend - went out both days and kids were in top form. Still quite anxious but managing not to let it cripple me. Still no sleep but hey can't have everything!

How are you?

Apparentlychilled Tue 02-Jul-13 13:17:27

Glad to hear it was a good weekend and that there's progress w DD!

I'm good. Lots of morning sickness and utterly wiped out most of the time, but I know that's all good. I should have my (normal 12 week) scan in about 2 weeks, so I'm looking forward to getting to that point.

SnoozyGiraffe Thu 19-Sep-13 19:41:52

Thanks Cailin, for starting this chat. I've just had my first baby, she's four weeks old and I've got pnd. It's really good to hear from people who've survived it because I'm quite frustrated with my lack of progress, even though everyone says it's early days.
I was just wondering if anyone had been sent to a mother and baby unit? The HV keeps mentioning it but I can't imagine what it would be like and I think it would be really hard on my OH. Sorry if I should have started a new chat confused.

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