Who is BU? Me or DH

(77 Posts)
difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:37:37

I am a regular and have NCed for this. There is a lot more going on at the moment and I have posted about the surrounding issues previously and on relationships but I want to get a view of who is BU on a particular aspect (so if you know who I am, please don't out me)

I have been with DH 16 years, married 5.

This weekend we had a huge row. For some reason, the next morning, this prompted DH to access my facebook page and go through all my emails etc.

I have been in contact with my ex for about 4 years. We exchange e-mails and play Scrabble on-line. DH has been aware we are in some form of contact and about the Scrabble. My ex lives a good 7 hours away so we have not seen each other since split up. Ex is in a happy relationship with 3 step children.

The content of the emails between myself and my ex are mainly banal and casual chat. There was one exchange in Feb of this year where we had a pretty emotional and personal exchange about why we split up. I had an abortion just before we split and the baby would have been 16 this year. I saw photos of ex at his stepsons 16th birthday and for some reason I felt the need to address it. Other than that exchange (which was very personal to me) the e-mails carry on being casual chit chat.

There is one other e-mail that is a bit flirty (referencing ex looking good in a profile pic)

However, I was down in London recently where ex works and we had made noises about meeting up for a drink. We didn't in the end as we were both too busy, but I emailed ex saying "I could do lunch today" and he emailed back saying he couldn't as he was caught up with something. End of.

My friendship with my ex has become very important to me. There is no wanting to get back together on either side (and it would be logistically impossible even if we did). There was never any intent to meet for more than a quick coffee and say hi. But he is a good friend (and it has taken us a lot to get there). We care about each other but it's not sexual and it is no threat to DH

DH went ballistic. Smashed up the house, huge row.

He is furious about me looking at meeting up with my ex and not telling him. I didn't meet up so there was little to tell, but DH would have stopped me if I had. I believe I would have told him afterwards if we had met for a coffee.

Anyway DH feels betrayed, that I have been unfaithful (although I think he 99% accepts we didn't meet up, the intention is a betrayal in his eyes)

We have lots of other problems we need to work through but he is making this into a huge thing.

He still has my facebook access (he's changed my password) he played some Scrabble with my ex pretending to be me and he is reading all my emails etc

He now wants me to cut all contact with my ex. I have agreed to not flirt and to never meet up with him but agreeing to cut all contact feels too much. This friendship has become important to me and I enjoy his (virtual) company. Plus it just feels like too much control form DH - dictating who I can an cannot be friends with.

So, is DH BU for demanding I never speak to ex again or am I BU for not wanting to do that?

Sorry that was SO long

HollyBerryBush Mon 20-May-13 20:44:32

Everyone is allowed to have friends, and time moves the relationship you once had onto new ground.

An old BF has contacted me on FB - its plain and open for the world to see.

Been quite fun this evening, been putting up photos when we were 15 - but its there for the world to see.

There is the difference. You were covert in your correspondence.

But of course, if this were flipped, you were a man contacting an old GF about things in the past, you would be accused of an EA - which of course is what you have had by tramping over old ground and arranging to meet up, even though it never happened. You are reliant on him to a degree.

Euphemia Mon 20-May-13 20:47:18

Your DH is BU.

He obviously has huge trust issues, which it doesn't sound like you have anything to do with.

Are you prepared for this to be a deal-breaker though?

schoolgovernor Mon 20-May-13 20:48:53

Did your DH know that you chat to your ex on Facebook? If he did then I don't think it was a big deal that you might have met up for lunch and didn't. Presumably if the plan had gone ahead you would have mentioned it to DH.
Now that it's all blown up though, he is exhibiting some very controlling behaviour. If he's had a shock then I can sort of understand him wanting you to cut contact. However, changing your password to lock you out? Pretending to be you? Is this a one-off or does he do other things like this? That would have me looking very hard at the balance in the relationship.

Joiningthegang Mon 20-May-13 20:50:08

Sounds like a horrible situation for you.

His behaviour sounds frightening and from your op he sounds controlling.

Also sounds like this is about mOre than your ex (which is over 16 years ago). I have an ex from that long ago on Facebook and we message occasionally - if he was in the area I woul love to meet him for a coffee and would be mortified if my dh said I couldnt (not that I would ask)

If your dh is frightening you and is controlling this is totally unnacceptable.

Pls bear in mind this is aibu and others may have a very different point of view

Littleturkish Mon 20-May-13 20:50:47

I disagree with the above, I don't think what you describe is an emotional affair.

The stealing of password etc suggests to me this relationship has run its course and trust is so far gone you need to split.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:50:47

I guess not

Obviously my relationship with my DH is more important than my friendship with my ex, but l am sad that one seems to exclude the other and feel DH is being U to ask that of me.

I would be happy (well tolerate) him reading all of our correspondence going forward and have said I will never meet up with my ex and be open about what we talk about etc.

I will end the friendship if I have to but doing so will hurt and it seems U for DH to ask. He thinks that the fact it will hurt me means the friendship is inappropriate

Squitten Mon 20-May-13 20:51:18

He smashed up the house?! Is that his normal response to being angry?

On the one hand, looking at it purely from his point of view, it would certainly have raised questions in my head. It sounds like he thought you were just casual friends on FB whereas you make it sound like you are very close friends. If your DH did not know that (and why didn't he know that?), then suddenly discovering arrangements to meet up, etc, would have spooked me. It doesn't sound like you have been entirely honest with him.

That said, his reaction is extreme. He doesn't have the right to suddenly take control of all your stuff. How long does he expect that to continue - indefinitely? First of all, I would demand access back to all my stuff and then talk it all through. If he refuses that, it would worry me greatly.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:52:17

He did know we were in contact, he did not know how often or that we had had one emotional exchange of emails several months ago re our break up and the abortion

I will end the friendship if I have to as I say but worry I will resent him and the control he is trying to exert

MortifiedAdams Mon 20-May-13 20:52:57

Do you amd DH have other trust issues - have you ever cheated? Smashing up the house it totally unreasonable whatever the answer to my question is but if he has reasons not to trust you that are based on past history then I can understand him not being happy with you maintaining a close (and sometimes intimate) friendship with an ex.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:55:59

Also, I didn't tell him we were planning to meet up as I knew he would have gone batshit and said I couldn't do it. I would have told him afterwards if we had met.

I appreciate that isn't fully honest but DH is not the sort of person to be reasonable about these things IMO

I did have a thing about 7 years ago where I had a flirtation with someone at work that ended in a snog and a grope. I told DH and we worked through that. Obviously that was horrendous and I regret it deeply and it affects DHs trust in me but he never had any before that incident and nothing like that has ever happened since

DH on the other hand has webcam sex with women on the internet but feels that is different and is not infidelity. I have on numerous occasions told him how hurtful I find that but he has never stopped (just used private browsing) and to be honest I have given up and just try not to care. But when he throws stuff like this at me, I feel like it is so hypocritical

It sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other to me in terms of who is being unreasonable. You can obviously explain it on here in a very reasonable way but I imagine your DH could give and equally plausible of account of his actions that would maybe lead to you being termed unreasonable by the majority.

I don't know your other issues, but arguments within relationships don't exist in a vacuum, are the other issues you're having as a couple amplifying or exacerbating the situation? Maybe you aren't feeling as loving or forgiving towards each other.

I'm a big list maker so I would probably try and do something like categorise all my feelings and see what makes the most sense but I understand its not that simple for everyone.

Hassled Mon 20-May-13 20:56:21

If it were me, reading through my DH's FB and coming across all that, I would certainly be a bit wobbly. Him feeling insecure and slightly betrayed is not unreasonable.

His behaviour subsequently is completely unreasonable. Ultimately, he has to trust you. And the thing about changing your FB password so he has control is just creepy and horrid.

You've put this incident in isolation but allude to previous stuff going on - so his over-reaction is presumably on the back of general unhappiness. Would Relate counselling help?

Hassled Mon 20-May-13 20:57:25

Just seen your last post re the webcam sex - he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Any vestiges of sympathy I may have had for him have gone.

You start out saying it was banal chit chat, but then it's an emotional outpouring, and then a flirty message, followed then by plans to meet up with your ex... Only planning to tell your DH after the event.

YABU and if you were a bloke posting this you'd be ripped to shreds.

HollyBerryBush Mon 20-May-13 20:59:09

Neither of us have exclusive passwords, neither of us lock our phones - to be fair the house PC is a desk top in the front room, I'm always interrupting DHs sports viewing with banal social media stuff.

I have always found the whole PW thing a bit peculiar.

But I'm going out on a limb here - what is the history? has he always been jealous?

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:59:31

We are going to Relate and we do have some other issues going on.

I don't want the webcam thing to cloud the issue and actually I don't think I should have mentioned it.

I just don't want to lose the friendship with my ex even though I can accept why my DH is hurt. I just can't explain that to him in anyway that doesn't make him think there is more than a platonic, if deep friendship between us

CloudsAndTrees Mon 20-May-13 20:59:53

You sound to me like you have a lot of emotional investment in this friendship with a person you haven't even seen for years.

I don't think I'd be comfortable with my DH having that sort of a relationship. Online friendships shouldn't be given the importance you seem to have given this one, especially when it's obvious that you feel some kind of bond with him over the child you conceived.

There is nothing wrong with friendships with people of the opposite sex, DH and I both have them. But ask yourself if you'd be 100% happy with meeting up with this guy when you had your DH with you, or is there a part of you that would rather meet him alone if you had the chance?

Ah x posted.

Having seen your next post I'd say your relationship is up shit creek, and neither of you should trust the other as far as you could spit.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 21:00:54

He has always been jealous.

I never lock my phone, my emails are open for anyone to see and I leave fb up and running all the time and leave him in the room with it.

I did archive the emails from my ex though. Partly because they were personal and partly because I knew they would cause this reaction

pointythings Mon 20-May-13 21:03:25

I think the fact that he has locked you out of your own FB account and is online pretending to be you says it all, really. Complete and extreme overreaction.

In an ideal world you would have been open with your DH about staying in friendly contact with your ex, but given what you have written I understand why you might have felt you couldn't do that.

Your relationship is in big trouble, and IMO the problem is at least 80% to do with his controlling and jealous behaviour. You may want to start looking at safe ways out.

MortifiedAdams Mon 20-May-13 21:04:16

Why are you with him?

MalcolmTuckersMum Mon 20-May-13 21:04:58

So when's he going to give your FB back to you? It all sounds rather odd to me. I always think if someone is going to cheat or leave you they're going to do it whether you're hysterically jealous and possessive or not and that being so I don't do either of those emotions at all. Not that I need to, I don't at all and I couldn't live like that. How do you live like that with all that shit going on beneath the surface? Why would you even want to live like that?

<<< baffled >>>

ClaireDeTamble Mon 20-May-13 21:05:07

So he has webcam sex with other women, reacted violently to a perceived betrayal and has locked you out of your own fb account.

Without that context, I would say ywbu to arrange to meet with your ex - although I see no problem with the scrabble and emotional email.

With the context, I would say keep the friendship and ditch the husband.

pointythings Mon 20-May-13 21:07:39

Am I the only one who has their own FB account, own email password and so on? DH does too. Just because we are married doesn't mean we have to share absolutely everything! It's because we trust each other that we feel safe keeping some things private - DH, for instance, has no interest whatsoever in what I put on MN (unless it's one of those laugh out loud threads in which case I'll show it to him). I have no interest at all in his gun enthusiasm (DH is American). To each their own, doesn't mean we don't love each other.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 21:09:10

I have said I am entitled to some privacy, but DH thinks the fact that this friend is my ex, the fact that we had the emotional exchange, the fact there is occasional flirting and the fact I didn't tell him we had looked at meeting up (but hadn't) means he is totally U to demand I never speak to him again.

notmyproblem Mon 20-May-13 21:11:18

^^ what claire said

A man has smashed up your house, demanded that you have nothing to do with another person ever again, taken over a personal account of yours and changed the password to prevent your access AND is pretending to be you.

Sorry but your DH is a jealous arsehole and a bully to boot. Don't keep walking on eggshells to keep the peace with him, get rid of him already. Even if this blows over and you never talk to your ex again, surely next time it will be something/someone else and you'll have to make your world even smaller to appease your DH's insecurities?

So how small will your world be in 10 years? No friends left because DH found a problem with every one of them? DH jealous of your job, your kids, your family, your life as an independent individual when he's not around?

Dump, and fast. And get some counselling by yourself, without your DH there. You need your eyes opening. The ex thing is a massive red herring here, your problem is your DH.

MummytoKatie Mon 20-May-13 21:12:44

I think it is very easy with email friendships to get close to or even cross lines that you really shouldn't without realising it.

And with exes again it is also hard not to cross lines (as you have gone soooo much further with them in he past.)

From what you've said I think you got close to the line but didn't cross it.

However, whether you did or not is irrelevant. He smashed up the house, read all your emails, pretended to be you and locked you out of your Facebook account???!?!?

Ummm he sounds pretty scary to me? Are you sure you want to stay with him?

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 21:13:54

I have tried to say that to him

That if I have no contact with ex it doesn't solve the real issues as he isn't learning to trust me, just removing anything he sees that causes mistrust and also where does it end? What if he doesn't like the next friend I have, or take against another? I end up with nothing and no one unless it's been per-approved by him.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 21:15:05

He will also say you are all taking my side (which you aren't, there is a range of opinions) because you are women and if he asked a group of men they would all think he was being totally reasonable

Jan49 Mon 20-May-13 21:16:39

I think you're both being unreasonable. You have an inappropriate relationship with your ex and sound like you're on the verge of an affair with him and have behaved inappropriately with a colleague in the past. I'm surprised he hasn't just ended your relationship. He shouldn't be smashing up the house or having webcam sex.

I don't think I'd be happy if I were your ex's partner. I think you should stop contacting your ex for his partner's sake and because it's the right thing to do, rather than because your not very d h demands it.

TBH I don't know why you're together. It sounds like you're both looking for someone new. You don't seem to want to be with each other.

digerd Mon 20-May-13 21:17:15

A grope and a snog? I wouldn't have mentioned it. As it was nothing. However a bit of a kiss that lingered but definitely no groping, I have done once, but never mentioned to DH as he would have been so hurt. Was a traditional greeting I was told by a married man in our little villagehmm. But it went no further than that.

In your case with your ex, if I were your DH it would really upset me. But would not have reacted like he did. That was OTT.

captainmummy Mon 20-May-13 21:20:04

He doesn't think that webcam sex is a big thing, not the same thing at all?

WOuld he mind therefore if you did it too?

DameFanny Mon 20-May-13 21:20:51

I think I would have left after he continued to have webcam sex.

Wouldn't you advise the same to one of your friends?

MrsMelons Mon 20-May-13 21:23:34

You have both been unreasonable, I can understand why he doesn't trust you and I would be upset if DH was having that sort of contact with an ex, we have no trust issues at all but that is crossing the line IMO. I am sure DH would feel the same way.

His behaviour was completely OTT and scary, also his web cam sex would be a deal breaker for me.

If things were ok in your relationship I am not sure why you would want that sort of contact with your ex.

Viviennemary Mon 20-May-13 21:24:22

I'm not saying your DH has had the right to react the way he has. But quite frankly I wouldn't be at all happy if my partner carried on this quite intense contact through facebook.

I think if I was your DH I would have gone berserk over the relationship with the ex. It does sound like secret meetings and I'm saying his jealousy is justified but I think if you know he is like that then maybe you should have been a bit more careful with your behaviour.

He obviously has grounds not to trust you based on your previous behaviour so I can understand his reaction.

HOWEVER, why the fuck is this all so nonchalant, he has webcam sex with people, presumably in your home, I don't know why you're putting up with that shit. If I had caught DH doing that, I don't think he would be a H anymore, but if for some bizarre reason I stayed with him, he wouldn't be hacking into my facebook but instead continuously grovelling.

Is he maybe operating on a guilty conscience?

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, do you have DC?

Somethingtothinkabout Mon 20-May-13 21:31:23

I must say that, whilst your DH has been OTT in his reaction, the fact that you have previously been unfaithful 7 years ago, had emotional exchanges with your ex that you didn't tell him about and arranged to meet up and only tell him after (even though you didn't go the end) is pretty low. No wonder he flipped. You're making a mug of him by doing that, especially if you've been unfaithful before and he's tried to forgive you. Of course, him smashing up the house is not cool either.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be allowed to talk to your ex, but if you're hiding the conversations from your husband, then you know it is inappropriate.

The webcamming isn't great either though.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Mon 20-May-13 21:31:30

I think you made a misjudgement in not telling him you were hoping to meet up with your ex before the event. In his eyes, especially when added to your previous 'indiscretion' (for want of a better word) it would probably seem as though you had something to hide. I can see that it wouldn't have been an easy conversation to have and that he probably wouldn't have been very happy about it. But he would have heard it from you, direct, and it would have made it more of the innocent friendly coffee/lunch you say you wanted and less of a secret liaison which it probably seemed to your husband.

However, his behaviour since finding out is completely unreasonable and controlling. He has a right to be upset / disappointed / worried about you keeping secrets from him, and to raise that with you. He doesn't have the right to lock you out of your own online accounts, or to impersonate you (presumably hoping to trick or trap your ex into revealing something that will 'confirm' your husband's worst suspicions?) or to insist you have no further contact with someone.

OP, only you know whether you're prepared to work through this, including whether his version of 'working through it' will make depends of you that you're unprepared to meet. His reaction doesn't sound proportionate to me, even given what has gone before, and that is worrying.

diddl Mon 20-May-13 21:32:09

He has totally overreacted.

But then I don't get why being friends with your ex is so important tbh.

Cloverer Mon 20-May-13 21:33:21

I think it is understandable that your DH was hurt and upset about the emotional exchanges and trying to secretly meet up. My DP did something similar (met up with an ex and didn't tell me) and I was hurt, although I understood that he didn't tell me because I would be hurt rather than anything more sinister.

However his reaction - smashing up the house, changing your password, pretending to be you - is totally over the top and sounds quite frightening/controlling to me.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Mon 20-May-13 21:34:26

Sorry, I missed the bit about the webcamming!

Tbh it doesn't sound as though either of you has much respect for the other's feelings, and he has some unhealthy ways of dealing with his jealousy / anger.

KittensoftPuppydog Mon 20-May-13 21:37:24

I feel sorry for your husband.
People get crazy when they feel betrayed by the person they are supposed to trust.
You are not behaving like a married woman. No judgment about that but you do need to make up your mind.

TheSecondComing Mon 20-May-13 21:40:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notmyproblem Mon 20-May-13 22:03:56

So OP what other ways does your DH control your life? No normal nice reasonable man suddenly smashes up the house and changes your password to a FB account after hearing that his partner of 16 years has been chatting with her ex.

16 years is a long time to have been ground down by an abusive jealous bully... have a close and careful look at yourself and your life and ask if you're happy or not. What other things do you have to downplay or hide from him to avoid rows and keep the peace?

KansasCityOctopus Mon 20-May-13 22:11:16

He has webcam sex with other women

i repeat for clarity.

HE HAS WEBCAM SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN

why are you wasting your life on this sleazeball? Fucks sake, get some dignity and LEAVE HIM.

Ashoething Mon 20-May-13 22:12:42

You were given plenty of good advice on your other thread op so I dont see what you hope to gain by this thread? Your dh is an abusive,lazy arse who has taken you for a mug.He is now gas lighting you into thinking you are on the wrong and that his shitty behaviour is due to depression.Stop making excuses for him.

uniqueatlast Tue 21-May-13 00:32:00

He has changed the password on your FB account and now accessing it, pretending to be you?

That is V unreasonable. I would be creating a new account and mailing your friends and asking them to block your old account.

You have been with him for 16 years and he is insecure about you chatting to an ex on FB? 16 years is a long time to have been worn down by him.

You know what you should so. It's whether you feel strong enough to do it.

I wish you well.

Nanny0gg Tue 21-May-13 00:52:59

You have both behaved badly, but neither of you have addressed any of the situations as adults.

I don't see how either of you will ever regain trust in the other and as there seems to be very little love or affection between the two of you (on the face of your postings) I don't see why you are considering going forward in this relationship. (What did your ex's new partner think of your 'flirtation', or was she in the dark, too?)

And where are any children in all this? The atmosphere must be beyond toxic.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Tue 21-May-13 01:45:48

Gosh OP, it's so obvious who you are, as the details are all the same as you other (current) thread.

And with that in mind, I am just gobsmacked. On top of his myriad other faults, he has webcam sex, and you just put up with it???

I DO NOT understand for one second what the two of you are doing with each other. sad

You make each other miserable. You say you love each other, but you act as if you either despise each other, or are completely and utterly ambivalent about each other. Neither of which are love.

Keep posting in here, because it obviously helps you. Hopefully each thread you start is you gradually inching further and further towards leaving this person.

Your poor DS, in all of this...

Lazyjaney Tue 21-May-13 07:15:31

Speaking for myself I'd be pissed off if my partner did what you did, and I'd be pissed off if my partner had net sex - this sounds like a relationship that really needs a lot of work or to be allowed to fall part.

And I agree that if the sexes were reversed you'd have been kicked all the way down AIBU.

KittensoftPuppydog Tue 21-May-13 12:38:44

I didn't realise when I made my earlier comment that he has webcam sex. Sorry, this relationship seems a bit fucked.

cory Tue 21-May-13 13:00:14

You say that the reason you did not tell him about meeting your ex was because you were afraid of him. To me, that would be the relationship dead then and there.

cory Tue 21-May-13 13:01:09

Meaning, the moment you base your actions not on what is right but on fear of your partner, surely trust is already broken. Your trust in him, that is.

wellhellobeautiful Tue 21-May-13 13:02:41

He hasn't got a leg to stand on with the webcam sex I'm afraid.

Hope I'm not our of order saying this but I recognise your story from your other threads and I have to say whenever I've read about your DH I think he sounds like an absolute waste of skin. I can completely understand why this friendship with your ex is so important to you. In your situation it must feel like a lifeline when you're having to live with such a twat every day.

Don't let this issue be a red herring. It would really suit your DH's agenda.

What on earth are you getting out of this relationship that makes it worth sticking with?

Your DH is controlling and bullying you and completely disrespecting you by continuing with webcam sex with other women. You appear to be looking for a mental/emotional escape by connecting with your ex instead of dealing with the reality of the complete mess your relationship appears to be in.

Looking for support or distraction through your ex seems to me to be a way of putting off dealing with the real issue.

KellyElly Tue 21-May-13 15:03:27

He has completely overreacted and his behaviour is completely unjustified. However, communicating in a flirty way and arranging to meet up with an ex behind a current partners back are not very trustworthy actions either. You sound like you shouldn't be together really.

difficultultimatum Tue 21-May-13 15:20:57

We do have some big problems.

I have to admit my relationship with my ex shouldn't be as important to me as it has become. It's not sexual or carrying any intent but maybe it has become an escape from the day to day grind and a distraction from the total mess we are in.

We are starting to address things but we have a lot of work to do.

Crinkle77 Tue 21-May-13 15:24:25

I can see where your husband is coming from although that does not make it ok to smash the house up. If it were the other way round you would be going mad and all the other readers on here would be saying what a shit your husband was. Also you had a snog and a grope with another man in the past so he is probably thinking that your relationship with your ex could also have gone the same way. But then he discredits himself by having webcam sex with other women. Only you can decide what you want to do next but if you want to save your marriage you may have to give your friendship up.

Ashoething Tue 21-May-13 16:45:46

You have been posting for months about his shitty behaviour and yet you are still allowing him to treat you like shit and trying to make out this is your fault-will you ever learn?

wellhellobeautiful Tue 21-May-13 17:07:48

I second Ashoething's tough love. He's an arsehole sweetheart. He's let you run yourself ragged for years while he's sat at home on the PC doing fuck all and having webcam sex.

Do you really have the emotional energy to do all the work to 'fix' the relationship as well? Because I doubt there'll be much in the way of positive input from him.

tripecity Tue 21-May-13 18:17:45

Op, why dont you listen to everyone? Why are you even bothering to try to salvage things by going to counselling? He sounds dreadful

fabergeegg Tue 21-May-13 21:05:49

I understand where your DH is coming from. There's a huge difference between playing a bit of scrabble/vaguely saying hello and emotionally vulnerable conversations, flirting and meeting (without mentioning it to you DH). It's beyond rude and you don't seem to have thought of this at all. I suspect your DH might have been reasonable (i.e., been fine with lunch) if you had gone about this in a reasonable way. But you seem to be deliberately not disclosing information that would have let him know that you were getting to know your ex again in a way that was important to you.

Your lack of apology and sensitivity to your DH in your OP makes me wonder if this manifests in other ways in your relationship. I'm trying to think of why your DH would have felt it necessary to check your emails. Could be you. Could be him.

fabergeegg Tue 21-May-13 21:07:34

Just read the rest of the thread. Retracting all earlier comments. Sorry.

glamstretchmarks Tue 21-May-13 21:15:27

YABVU... his upset and request may be extreme but very clear where it is coming from.

glamstretchmarks Tue 21-May-13 21:16:21

If he is dreadful in other ways as I am just seeing then leave him, but I still think meeting up with an ex without letting your partner know is sneaky and not good.

difficultultimatum Wed 22-May-13 18:26:31

Yes it was sneaky and not good

I haven't been in contact with my ex since we had the row

He emailed me today though asking if I was ok as he hadn't heard from me.

DH is monitoring all my emails so he saw that. I replied and briefly let him know what had happened and that DH was uncomfortable with our friendship. Ex said he understood but then unfortunately made reference to it being a good job scrabble didn't keep the comments made as they had been flirty

DH has now blocked my ex on my fb account and said if I ever contact him again its over

Not a great day tbh

Cakecrumbsinmybra Wed 22-May-13 18:37:01

There was someone posting on here a few months ago saying she had read her H's emails and he had suggested lunch with an ex colleague/friend whom she felt uneasy about. He had never mentioned it to her and almost every single poster suggested he was an U twunt. I think you are BU with your contact, emails and suggesting to meet up, without mentioning it to your DH. However, your DH is very, very U to react the way he did. And as for the webcam sex, I'm not surprised he has trust issues, and that you are keeping something private for yourself, iyswim. I can't even imagine staying with someone who had done that, especially if they can even admit that they are in the wrong.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 22-May-13 18:48:46

YABothBU. Your DH's has massively over-reacted but your behaviour is also totally unacceptable. I can't see that your relationship has a future to be honest.

Ashoething Wed 22-May-13 19:12:40

Op has another thread running in relationships folks. The picture she has painted here is not the full one. Her dh is abusive imo and is now gas lighting the op to try and excuse his own terrible behaviour. Op has been told repeatedly that she cannot fix him.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Wed 22-May-13 20:38:13

Your friendship with your ex, looked at in isolation as you want us to do, looks bad. Underhand and sneaky.

But, for those of us who know who you are, and who have read your other threads (which are now coming thick and fast), the friendship is so clearly a lifeline - and a huge, pulsating symptom of the much deeper problems in your terminally sick relationship.

It is no bloody wonder you need someone to lean on, given the extent of your 'D'H's hopelessness and mental and emotional absenteeism from your relationship and co-parenting.

All the telling offs you're getting on this thread make you, I'm sure, feel just terrible and guilty about your lifeline friendship with your ex. I have no idea why you wanted to invite such flagellation on yourself, it's not as if you don't get plenty of that, emotionally, from day-to-day life with your 'D'H to the extent of having a breakdown. How this thread helps, I don't know. sad You are a good person, and do not deserve the situation you're in. And you're now even more isolated.

When does he plan to hand back control to you of your FB account and emails? Must be a fulltime job for him, keeping tabs on you like that. Luckily he has the time, right?

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 22-May-13 20:59:29

I am really close friends with an ex. We talk about all kinds of personal things. He is married, and there is no desire from either of us to be more than friends. He sometimes visits and stays over (lives miles away). His wife is fine with this, because she trusts him.there is nothing wrong with being friend, close friends even, with an ex.
Webcam sex, and smashing up the house on the other hand, are both things that would see me packing his bags.

StuntGirl Wed 22-May-13 22:10:46

You're both being unreasonable. Why are you even with this man?

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 22-May-13 23:02:16

See, I dont think op has done anything wrong at all. What is so bad about being friends with an ex ??

ChippingInLovesSpring Wed 22-May-13 23:05:47

Are you actually going to put up with that behaviour from your husband? I'd tell him he could leave now if he did that.

Nanny0gg Thu 23-May-13 00:33:33

See, I dont think op has done anything wrong at all. What is so bad about being friends with an ex

Nothing. Unless you hide it.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 01:19:54

People are perfectly entitled to manage there own behaviour and assuming they are adults decide who they wish to be friends with and how thy wish to communicate with those friends they are also compleatly entitled to do so privately even if they also happen to be married.

If you can be friends with someone with out either jumping up and down on their cock or acting like your about to then there is nothing wrong with that even if they are an ex.

The thing about ex's is they are ex's and not currents this usually means you don't jump up and down on their cocks. If a current has a problem with that then they have issues.

Adults get to choose there own friends and maintain those friendships because that is part and parcel of adult behaviour.

In the context of a intimate relationship both parties get to decide for themselves what is deal breaker behaviour and what constitutes cheating but the only time one party gets to dictate to the other regarding this is when it is actual cheating as universally understood even if I squint at your op and try to will myself to see cheating in it I can't.

Having a conversation of a none sexual nature with another adult is not even close to cheating neither is having a emotional conversation about a differcult time in your life with the other adult who was involved in that situation at the time. Nor is arranging to have a coffee or lunch regardless of if you do or not.

If a female friend sends you a none committed message or mentions in passing that you should do lunch one day would it be newsworthy enough to feel you had to mention it? Probably not.

Male or female I would be saying the same thing. Snoops are usually doing so because they are judging you by there own standards,they are disregarding your right to inderpendant comunications and friendships and are treating you like a child by refusing to allow you to moderate your own conduct.

If someone did that to me they would be gone very quickly. In this day and age mobile phones and computers should be devices that adults can operate without needing supervision from a grown up.

What he has done is controling isolating abusive and very fucking childish.

If you have reached a point in your relationship when you feel you have a need to snoop then your relationship is over because not only have you lost trust in the other party but snooping by its very nature breaches there trust.

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