I don't know if I'm being unreasonable so I'm asking for an MN perspective

(62 Posts)
IUsedtobeMe Mon 20-May-13 17:50:41

Name changed as I think DH has started to browse my posts.

I may drip feed because I'm all over the place, and I'm not sure what's relevant and what's not, but I'll try not to.

DH works away from home. He has a female friend (I know I should be ok with this part, but self-esteem issues are blurring my feelings on this). She works with him, they have worked together for 3 years (2 diff companies), but the friendship is more recent (not sure how recent, I think it was when they both changed jobs a couple of months ago). He talks about her (too much) and is quite open. I know he sees her outside of work i.e. lunch together, walking together. I think it's platonic as he has told me about a health issue that would make her celibate and it sounds legit.

Now this is where I'm unsure about whether I'm being unreasonable.

He has apparently discussed our relationship with her, we have issues, she has told him that it's his fault (apparently), lent him a self-help book and given him some pointers.

I was miffed about this - but see disclaimer about SE above, so I let it go.

Today his mobile phone bill arrived. I handle the accounts so I open all post (we're ok with opening each others post, especially as he is away during the week). The bill was a bit high so I idly looked at the back to see what was outside of the call allowance and was shocked by the number of texts he's sent. He's a typical bloke and, until recently anyway, hardly texts. 80% of the texts are to same number, which I assume is this friend. I checked the calls as well and there's a few of them, but not tons.

Having stewed for a bit, I checked other bills, and it's the same. I have only gone back about 5 months (to before they both changed jobs) and the pattern is still there.

As I said above, he works away during the week. He rings me every evening. He texts me work stuff (I run his business), or household stuff, never chatty. He is not a chatty person in RL, and not really romantic.

Would this bother you? Should it bother me? Should I ask to see the texts?

CloudsAndTrees Mon 20-May-13 17:52:58

Yes it would bother me. I'd have it out with him. Not because there is a problem with him having a good female friend, I love the female friend my DH has, but because he is getting to emotionally involved with this woman.

fuzzypicklehead Mon 20-May-13 17:57:29

It would bother me. But having said that, I never text DP. I know he won't check them.

However, I do occasionally have surreal text-a-thons with a bloke from work who has a similar geek sense of humor to mine. I don't tell him about the inner workings of my marriage, though.

Not convinced that asking to see the texts will help. It sends a clear message that you suspect him, while giving him the opportunity to hide anything that is there.

phantomnamechanger Mon 20-May-13 18:01:23

I think given that you legitimately open his bills and were not therefore "snooping" you ought to make a lighthearted comment "crikey DH your phone bill was huge this month, what have you been up to LOL" - and watch for his reaction - if he's evasive or defensive, he is hiding something sad.

If he says "X has been having problems so I hvae been phoning her a lot to see how she is" or something else like that, I think you have nothing to worry about. Then again you might be able to tell he is lieing?

I understand how shitty this feels, have been in a simialr predicament myself and I totally get the low SE issues.
But IME, men dont talk all the time about women they are having affairs with! getting too attached and her being his best friend instead of you is another matter, but still hurtful and he needs to know that.

IUsedtobeMe Mon 20-May-13 18:18:31

Thank you! Now I know I'm not being totally unreasonable!

If I speak to him, he will spin it back on to me "always accusing him of having affairs" (I did it twice, I was half right the first time, and I cannot prove the second but I'm pretty sure there was casual sex, if not a full blown affair), not trusting him (part of our problem is that he lies), etc etc. If I challenge him, he will lie, so no point in doing so.

If, on the other hand, I demand to see his phone immediately, then I may find out the truth. Or I may find all the texts to her missing, which is tells it's own story.

But what will happen then?

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 20-May-13 18:21:19

Oh dear. So this is not the first time he has given cause for concern? In which case, stop blaming your self esteem problems and start blaming your shifty husband!


You don't have 'self-esteem' issues.

You have 'my husband is a cheating skank' issues.


threesypeesy Mon 20-May-13 18:26:07

Yanbu I would be most annoyed that he had discussed problems n you're marriage witb another woman, I find that unacceptable and a bit of a slap in the face tbh. I would definitely discuss this with him and make it clear to him where your problems lie with it all.

TheCutOfYourJib Mon 20-May-13 18:31:00

I would check his phone without asking him, it's the only way you'll know for sure.
He sounds a bit obsessed with her if he's talking about her all the time.

IUsedtobeMe Mon 20-May-13 18:31:55

If I said he had discussed our problems with his friend and didn't mention that the friend was female, would this be different?

IUsedtobeMe Mon 20-May-13 18:34:19

I can't check his phone, it's always locked (not suspicious of this, there's client confidential stuff on it)

I can ask him direct to see his phone. If he lets me, then it's probably innocent and I will have to apologise. Or it will be empty and that, in itself, will make me assume it's not innocent. Or he will refuse, and that will also give me the answer sad.

badguider Mon 20-May-13 18:36:27

when i read your first post i was going to say that i wouldn't be bothered if the person my dh turned to was a woman or that he was texting a lot - though i would mention it.

THEN i saw your second and see that your dh has proved himself totally untrustworthy and unfaithful in the past... so i take it all back. it's not about your S-E it's about him being a twat!!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Mon 20-May-13 18:37:34

Eleanor has a good point! Your husband is lying and is a cheat. It pisses me off that so many women blame themslves when their male partners are fuckwits.

IUsedtobeMe Mon 20-May-13 18:56:17

I have no proof he cheated. The first time, I know he was "chasing" someone, but she turned him down. It could have been harmless, male ego flirting, he may actually have run a mile if she had said yes.

The second incident, I just wish I had had MN then. He went away for a night (this is normal). He said he would be meeting up with an old colleague and would take her out for dinner to catch up. When he came home, he emptied his case, mostly into the washing basket, and then left it open. In among some hankies I could see something poking out. Yep, a condom (in it's wrapper). My argument was that he wouldn't presume to take condoms unless he'd been there before, and felt a reasonable chance of going there again. He said it must have got caught up in the hankies when he picked them up from his drawer. We had some left over from before he had the snip, I thought there were 3 left, he said only 1. I couldn't be sure which of us was right so I had to let it go.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 20-May-13 19:18:20

Men dont text women endlessly if they are not interested in them sexually. They just don't. does he have male friends he texts all the time? I doubt it.
It doesn't mean he is neccessarily cheating, or that he even would if it came to that, but it does mean more than just mates.
I have one or two male friends who I sometimes get texts from. Its usually when they have broken up with someone and the texts are usually flirty, just chancing their arm. Its not usually serious, but if my do was doing this with another woman, i would a) get his phone and look for myself and if i found saucy or romantic texts, given his history, i would sack him. Easier said, I realise. Sorry for being brutal op.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 20-May-13 19:19:31

How many usuallys was that !

fabergeegg Mon 20-May-13 19:21:56

Whether or not your DH is being unreasonable, you sound like you both have trust issues. Perhaps it would be helpful to try Relate.

Can't imagine how painful this must be for you. flowers

threesypeesy Mon 20-May-13 19:29:13

It would be different for me if it was a male friend yes to discuss it with a female imo is a very intimate thing to do and for me I wouldn't want my dh confiding or looking for comfort from another woman.

IUsedtobeMe Mon 20-May-13 21:47:11

IfNot - no, he rarely texts male friends or me for that matter.

threesy - but why? If it's a platonic relationship it should be alright, but it's not is it? I think he feels it's ok as she is helping him to make our relationship better - except it's not.

Is an Emotional Affair as bad as, worse, better than a physical one?

StuntGirl Mon 20-May-13 21:56:39

Equally bad in different ways imo, but your opinion is the only one that matters here.

Lay your cards on the table and tell him he's a cheating twat and he either bucks his ideas up and takes positive steps to end the flirtation/affair/whatever and seek help for his philandering ways or you're off.

Agree with whoever it was upthread who said you don't have self esteem issues, you have my-husband-is-a-bellend issues.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Mon 20-May-13 22:04:52

"The first time, I know he was "chasing" someone, but she turned him down. It could have been harmless, male ego flirting, he may actually have run a mile if she had said yes."

It wouldn't matter to me whether this woman was interested or not. The fact that HE was sufficiently interested in another woman to get as far as being turned down would be enough. Didn't he stand up in front of your friends and family and promise to "forsake all others"?

As for this latest woman, I'd be livid that he was talking to her about intimate issues within his marriage. And, rightly or wrongly, I'd see her giving him a self-help book, which she presumably knows/guesses he will take home with him, as a message to you - it's a tangible, physical thing that says "Look! Your husband has been talking to ME about the things making him unhappy in your marriage! Me! Not you!"

I have a (married) male friend, an ex-colleague. We meet for lunch occasionally and when we worked together we used to walk round the block together now and then. I've known him for four or five years and in that time we have never discussed anything more intimate than our shared sporting interets, our respective holidays and various people we both know or knew through work. If he suddenly started blurting out his intimate marital problems I'd change the subject as quickly and politely as I could. I don't want to know; that's not the role our friendship has in each other's lives.

Corkyandviolet Mon 20-May-13 22:11:15

You don't know for sure that the texts are to this woman, you might want to be certain before you confront him. Also, if they are to her, is it possible the texts are work-related rather than social? I'm not making excuses for him, but if you're planning on confrontation then you don't want to end up with egg on your face! I realise it's difficult to check the texts, could you ask to borrow his phone to make a call or get a friend's number or something, and then have a look when his back's turned?

IUsedtobeMe Mon 20-May-13 22:23:46

Good point Corky.

They won't be work related, they work for the same company but 2 different, unrelated, departments. The times are also all wrong for work ones.

If it's not her, then I would be even more worried, as the pattern would only fit with a close friend sad

KhaosandKalamity Tue 21-May-13 06:10:56

Past posters are right, men do not txt women for a chat. My best friend is male, he has been living overseas for 2 years and I have heard from him twice. When he gets back we will likely see him at least 3 times a week, but until then radio silence is the norm. The same friend regularly came to me for relationship advice, but as you would a sister, he just needed someone to translate the female reaction in to male speak that he could understand.

If he regularly txt you, his wife who he spends most of his time away from, as well as the other woman it might be a different story. But I would be highly suspicious if I were you, especially considering his history. Also if he has told you about her private medical issue which makes her celibate I would be worried about what he has told her about you.

KhaosandKalamity Tue 21-May-13 06:15:55

Just realised how unhelpful my last post was, sorry. Attempted remedy: Don't let him, or yourself, blame your self-esteem issues. This is not about your lack of self esteem, it is about your lack of trust in him, for good reason. If he is a prone to falsehood as you say, he will be geared up to convince you that it is your problem and your fault for being paranoid. Stand strong and remember it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you. Have cuppa, sounds like you need one brew

MummaBubba123 Tue 21-May-13 06:21:46

Yes, deeply. And then I read more about his history and its really no surprise that you'd accuse him. Dodgey!

Twattybollocks Tue 21-May-13 06:35:38

I've said this before on other threads, but the reason you smell a rat is because there is a rat. Plain and simple he's up to no good. Don't do what I did and pretend its not happening and waste 15 years with the cheating toad.
I'll bet my beer money that if you look at his phone there will be almost no texts on there, his text history will be suspiciously clear, if that's the case, almost no one does that unless there's something to hide, although he will probably spin you some bullshit about it being because his phone memory was getting full. if there are some text convos on there, you need to read them however unpalatable it may be.
I have caught my soon to be ex husband out with texting other women so many times over the last few years and he sounds pretty similar to mine.
I loved my husband, wanted to trust him, made excuses for him, etc but I finally had enough and kicked him out. I deserve better and so do you.

MumnGran Tue 21-May-13 06:44:47

I think what you are feeling is betrayed - and you have been. It doesn't matter whether or not he has slept with her (well it does, but ....), the fact is that he has developed a very close relationship with someone else which he has largely kept you unaware of. Certainly you have not been aware of the extent to which they have become emotionally involved with each other.....even if it is only deep friendship.

It is so easy, when low self esteem is involved, to accept that you are being unreasonable. I think most wives would feel completely betrayed to discover their partner had this level of interaction with another woman and discussed the most personal details of their life with that person.

As a previous poster commented "if it smells like a rat, it probably is a rat". This rat may be of a different colour to most......but its still sitting there!

Twattybollocks Tue 21-May-13 06:48:44

Oh and have you always had self esteem issues? I didn't used to have but 15 years of being cheated on by that ratbag I married certainly gave me them!

OnwardBound Tue 21-May-13 07:18:07

Your husband sounds like a wrong 'un sad

Please don't blame yourself for SE issues and lack of trust.

Rather consider these as a highly developed 'early warning system' or 'gut reaction'.

As Twatty said, if you can smell a rat it's because there is a rat.

Even if, best case scenario, your DH hasn't slept with his female friend, he is still spending far too much time and emotional energy on her. He is telling her intimate details about your lives. He has previous history for flirting and cheating. He denies he has done anything wrong and instead tries to blame your paranoia or lack of self esteem hmm

Even if he is not currently cheating, he is still just not a very nice man.

I think you deserve to get good and mad OP but I also understand just how painful this is.

I would recommend couple counselling tbh. If DH refuses or says he doesn't need it I would suggest going by yourself.

You need support from someone trained and who will help you to decide how you want to move forward, whether that ultimately be with DH or without.

Best of luck OP. You deserve better, you really do.

landrover Tue 21-May-13 09:52:03

Hi, Iused, as others have said I would check his phone. I know you have said its locked but you can always borrow it if yours has stopped working cant you or use another excuse?
Im forever leaving my phone at home and have to use hubbys!

IUsedtobeMe Tue 21-May-13 10:33:03

K&K no need to be sorry, all posts are helpful at the moment.

Twatty - When did the SE start? It's difficult to say. I've had quite a bit of bad luck in my life and I just carried on getting on with it. Highly stressful career etc, no time to dwell. Then everything changed. I MC'd a most wanted baby (6 years of trying for a second), I went into meltdown, DH was great and changed his career so I could give up mine to regroup. Then stuff just kept happening, including 2 more MC, the 3rd nearly killing me. I was depressed but no-one knew, I just got on with it as always, hid my feelings, did what I had to. DS got ill, and I am now his full time carer. My weight ballooned, money worries. There's nothing that could be done, so I just got on with it.

I'm now coming out the other side, and that is part of why DH has identified that there is something wrong - I now don't stand for any shit. If he does something to annoy me, I call him on it. And all this relationship stuff has back fired on him. I've told him I was depressed, and why.. Every time he tries to talk, I remember some past hurt and tell him of it, things I've kept buried.

This is why I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable, was all the emotional stuff I'm feeling at the moment why I wasn't happy with him talking to her, or was I right, and this level of talking is just too much?

MumnGran - " It doesn't matter whether or not he has slept with her (well it does, but ....)" This made me laugh in a sick way. I can remember screaming this at him (I'm not a screamer normally btw, but this warranted it) whilst we were getting ready to go out with friends. I then continued with, "it's the fact you are nicer to her than me that's the issue" - this was regarding the one that turned him down.

Doubtfuldaphne Tue 21-May-13 10:43:25

If he doesn't let you see the texts he has something to hide. Simple.

IUsedtobeMe Wed 22-May-13 10:49:03

I've been snooping. The texting started the day after they left the first company.

At the previous company they sat next to each other, so no need to text.

The texts have increased in quantity.

And yes, it is definitely the person I suspected. I rang her during the day when I knew she wouldn't be able to answer, and her VM states her name. She also sounds a helluva lot younger than he told me.

As mentioned above, he rings me daily. Last Wednesday he was rushed, he said because he was playing golf that evening with a male friend. At the weekend he was telling me an anecdote about her dog, from a walk they had on Wednesday. I know I said he lied, I didn't say he was any good at it though.

My next move is to read the texts, I'm going to find:

a) they're innocent
b) they're innocent but inappropriate
c) they are not innocent
d) they are not even there

But timing is everything. If it's a) I will apologise. But b,c,and d will challenge our already very precarious relationship.

I also need to work out what I want to happen in each scenario.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 22-May-13 13:13:10

God you poor thing! What a rough ride you have had lately. I still think its dodgy, and you are doing the right thing finding out. Knowledge is power etc.

SpanishFly Wed 22-May-13 14:13:03

I hope you can get to the bottom of things, and things change for the better (whichever way that is)

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 22-May-13 15:54:09

Whether its "innocent" or not, the fact remains that he devoting more time and care to this other relationship than he is to his marriage. And that's not on at all.

loopylou6 Wed 22-May-13 19:12:27

You are deffo nbu, the cynical side of me is wondering if he's purposely led you to believe she can't have sex to throw you off the scent. I hope you get your answers soon x

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 22-May-13 19:29:14

Sounds like he's going to use the old line about it not being infidelity because they haven't had sex. It's clearly an emotional affair at the expense of his relationship with you OP.

He's got you believing your doubts about him are all about your "self esteem" issues. In fact, he is destroying your self esteem by making you think that this is your fault.

IUsedtobeMe Thu 23-May-13 00:03:37

You won't believe tonights phone call - I think I'm actually living in a bloody Soap, except I'm not sure even the cheesiest writers would use this as a story line.

He had some potential good news. It appears his friend needs to hire some stables and they happen to come with a cottage. She doesn't need the cottage, so he can live there rent free whilst he's working away. She will need to come and tend to the horses early morning and then after work - I bet you can all write the next bloody installment can't you.

I've just read that back and I sound like a bloody troll, it's so unbelieveable.

He is home tomorrow. I will have him here 4 days and cannot say or do anything to alert him to me knowing.

It's really complicated and I can't LTB until I've got stuff sorted, so I have to act normal. Not just around him and DS, but we're doing some work with the PILs all weekend, they live with us (sep annexe) and we need to do a major maintenance job. They are doing dinner for us Sunday after we've finished. It's been difficult for the last couple of days as I've had to act normal around them (we get on great and they are half the reason it will be difficult to LTB). MiL will pick up on anything that appears to be upsetting me. I don't dare drink as I get too honest. WTF am I going to do!

IUsedtobeMe Thu 23-May-13 00:10:43

The not having sex thing is kinda believable. Long before I suspected anything, he told me about someone with really bad OCD at his work. To the point that if someone borrows her pen she can't then use it. He was telling me as some people were muttering about if she was so bad how come she could cope with mucking out horses and having a dog. He knew I would understand as I have OCD in a mild form but dealing with the dogs has never bothered me, but I can't handle tissues, dirty clothes etc without having to wash my hands several times and sterilise them.

I asked bluntly about how she handled sex as it was when he first told me she was "helping him understand where he was going wrong". He then said she had confided in him that she couldn't have a relationship as she couldn't bear to be touched. Knowing DHs bad hygiene, if she has OCD then it is entirely believable that she wouldn't want to have sex with him.

IUsedtobeMe Thu 23-May-13 00:14:24

And after those 2 posts you'll now know why I daren't drink on Sunday round the inlaws grin

I think I'll go to bed now.

Twattybollocks Thu 23-May-13 06:32:01

God you poor thing. It's so bloody humiliating isn't it. The house/stables thing is rather too convenient isn't it, and not very plausible. A bit like when I found out a couple of weeks ago that he has bought someone a tumble drier with our money, because he felt sorry for them, and then completely failed to mention it, you guessed it, the person he felt sorry for is female, young and attractive. Felt sorry for her my arse, fancied her and is probably shagging her more like. You don't just buy random strangers tumble driers and then fail to mention it.
They must think we are bloody stupid.
Re the inlaws thing, I don't know about yours but my PIL are completely in the picture and are disgusted with his behaviour. They obviously still love him, and will support him through the separation, but are not trying to defend his actions, this means that I am still able to have a good relationship with them and they will still be seein a lot of the kids as they have always been a big part of their lives and I want that to continue. They haven't done anything wrong.

neontetra Thu 23-May-13 06:59:31

My dh has a close female friend whom I assume he texts/emails a lot in the day, as he always seems to know what she and her dh are doing. I presume he would turn to her for support with our relationship, as I know she speaks to him about hers (because he tells me). None of this bothers me, tbh. But you know your own husband best.

IUsedtobeMe Thu 23-May-13 10:28:23

TB - That's awful sad

I'm glad about your inlaws though. I'm not sure about how mine will react. MiL is very good at ignoring things she finds unpalatable, it's part of the problem DH & I have. He has never, ever done anything wrong, so he never ever has to apologise, or even accept that he may have done wrong. He now appreciates that this annoys me somewhat - if I do wrong, I make amends, I apologise and we move on, if he does wrong he doesn't know how to act (as he never learnt as a child) so he storms off if he's called on it - think of a petulant 9 year old! He also has her annoying habit of making pathetic excuses to show he didn't do wrong.

Neon - I'm glad it works for you, but this one doesn't have a husband, if she did, I would feel somewhat safer.

In the cold light of day (and with no alcohol in me) I think he may feel that this is entirely innocent. He can really be that naive. So, if he has done anything wrong, it is to betray my trust by telling another woman MY secrets.

it's bullshit, he's feeding you lies. OCD and celibate sounds like a bollox cover up to make you feel safer. That bit gave me the rising hackles from the first post then i read the rest. He's a cheat, even if he never has sex with this woman their friendship is inappropriate for a married man with children.
My dh has female friends, they speak or FB each other about once a week. I have a very very dear male friend who is an ex as well, and we talk to each other once a week. I don't text him every day, he doesn't use facebook. This is not a platonic relationship. Ok no sex may have happened (yet I seriously doubt that) but it's all wrong.

The stables and cottage thing does seem very... odd. How come the rent on the cottage bit is so negligable that he can stay there for free? Where does he stay in the week at the moment, and who pays?

While he's home can you talk about it at all? Not the texts specifically. Just more saying, that you don't like him spending such intense time with her, and the cottage arrangement is only going to increase that. Or do you think you've tried similar conversations already.

TroublesomeEx Thu 23-May-13 10:44:58

I've just read this thread and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I don't really have much to add, except this. My stbxh was the apple of his mother's eye. His brother is 'a bit of a lad' always getting into trouble, in and out of work etc, where as the one I married is a graduate who wears a suit to work. Because of this, his parents wouldn't hear anything wrong about him.

My stbxh had an affair - claimed it was 'just' emotional and not physical until we separated; he lied about it to me; he blamed my reaction on low self esteem and my "inability to love or be loved" hmm.

When I told his mother, she was stunned. She called him a "fucking bastard", an "arsehole" and 'the C word'. We get on great now and, if anything, better than we ever did do.

He doesn't really believe any of this is innocent - he certainly wouldn't think it was innocent if you were in his shoes, it would just suit him to say that it was all innocent. I thought my stbxh must be really naive to begin with, but no, he just thought that if he played the naive card he'd come out of it looking like the hapless good guy. He didn't.

TroublesomeEx Thu 23-May-13 10:45:10

did not do

ladyjadie Thu 23-May-13 10:59:10

Wow, well if she's buying a cottage just for the stables, and your H can stay there for free, why not suggest, in an innocent way, that you move in there too, you'll save loads on mortgage/rent....

I'd be interested to see his reaction to that suggestion! It could be telling..

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 23-May-13 11:02:35

Do you still love him and want to be with him?

IUsedtobeMe Thu 23-May-13 11:12:13

The OCD bit came out soon after meeting her, so I do believe she has it. The sex bit ....oh, that bit of info was recent, so yes, probably cover story.

FolkGirl - same set up except the other sibling is a sister, and has just ditched her 3rd husband, and has had 2 affairs. Funnily enough, me and her had a massive bust up and the PiLs (especially FiL) took my side. FiL took several years to forgive her, Mil 2 weeks before she started making excuses, although did agree what SiL said was unforgivable.

When he first told me I told him I wasn't happy with him talking to her about us. He made it sound like I was being unreasonable - he can have friends can't he? I can talk to my friends about relationship stuff so why can't he? I did point out that he must have spent a great deal of time with her to get this amount of helpful info, but he blustered and lied and said it was the occasional lunch, or they sat together on train etc.

He's currently renting a room at a house in a village just outside the city he's working in. Which, coincidentally, is next to the village she lives in.

She has several horses, she needs to get new stabling for them (don't know why, think it's because she's got another horse and there's not enough room in current stables). She's looking to rent stables and fields for them, and this one just happens to come with a cottage but costs the same as others. I'm sorry, but you just can't make this crap up - unless you've been encouraged, all your life, to lie and make up stories, and have got away with it.

IUsedtobeMe Thu 23-May-13 11:13:24

ImTooHecsy - truthfully? I really don't know. For several years I've known that I don't want anyone else, but that is not the same is it?

TroublesomeEx Thu 23-May-13 11:18:41

Mm, for several years I knew that I didn't want anyone else either but do you know what? I'm now happily single and I also know that I don't feel that way anymore.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 23-May-13 11:52:56

A few thoughts. Generally, I think men form friendships only with women they are attracted to. That doesn't mean they have or are going to sleep with them. It usually means they've thought about it at some point.

That's not a reason not to have friends of the opposite sex. Usually I think you find out early if there's relationship potential and, if not, or if one runs its course, friendship can follow. That's no reason for a partner to feel threatened, if everyone is honest and open. DP and I have a good relationship with an ex of mine and his wife and I know he used to fancy his female best friend but nothing happened, for example.

If he was concerned about your feelings and seeking to reassure, he'd probably suggest you meet her.

Secrecy and flirty texting are big worries. From what you've said though, your H has developed a habit of secrecy and lying, because he cannot cope with being wrong or apologising, so he will behave this way about anything and nothing, as well as something. That habit is a real barrier to a successful relationship and needs to be addressed for you to have any chance of a future (or he with anybody).

Your description of bringing up past issues every time you talk is really problematic too. Why would he want to talk to you if nothing is ever resolved and you always find something new to throw back at him? That must be quite isolating for him. That's not to say these past issues aren't real or don't need to be addressed, they probably need to be worked through more directly but in a way that allows for resolution.

Ultimately, do you want to work through and resolve things with him? Can you imagine getting to a situation where you might have a future? Or has too much happened already that is unforgivable or has destroyed trust? Can this man ever make you happy?

IUsedtobeMe Thu 23-May-13 12:52:08

Hi Lottie, thanks for your thoughts.

Normally I would agree with you about female friends, but due to the secrecy and lying it makes it difficult to trust him. Also, if he was home everynight, again I would be happier with the situation.

Bringing up the past issues is hard to describe. Normally, if something has happened and can't be altered, I kind of pigeonhole it in my mind, I don't dwell on it etc. Because he's been trying to change, because he's been talking about things, all these "pigeon holes" have opened up and all the past grievances have flooded out. I think it's to do with, if he wants to "fix" the problems then he needs to know what they are. He and his friend decided the problem was lack of affection - he now understands I'm unhappy because he's a fuckwit, and the lack of affection is a symptom and not a cause. The cause is lack of respect.

I have to give him his due, having said that he doesn't make mistakes etc, he has taken the blame for the problem, and he has taken some pretty mean things on the chin. I've finished now, I've told him everything, all the pigeon holes are resealed.

Your last question I cannot answer. I have quite a nice, comfortable life. Changing that will be hard, not so much on me but on DS, the dogs, and the PiLs. This is why I cannot do anything about any of this until I have had time to think and work things out. After all, I normally only have to put up with DH 2 days a week, unfortunately it's 4 this weekend, and we'll be working closely together. But I'll cope.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 23-May-13 13:29:18

Hi, yes, I'm not saying this friendship is ok, the secrecy does make it sound really suspect.

I impressed that you've explained all your past issues and he's listened. I wouldn't have expected that from what you've said. So the ball is in his court really, you've explained the problems, he needs to address them. Have you told him what you expect, what would count as resolution?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 23-May-13 14:33:50

I don't know.

He certainly doesn't sound like he has behaved in a very loving or respectful way towards you, so I wonder why it is that you don't want anyone else.

Does not wanting anyone else actually mean though that you love him and don't want to be with any other person? Even though he treats you badly?

I think that you need to spend some time working out what you feel. Because in order to know what you want to do, you have to know how you feel and what you want.

He's certainly very very emotionally intimate with this woman.

The thing about the stabling is a complete red herring. Cottages with stabling are usually at a premium rate due to housing and stabling opportunities.
Why would stabling in this instance include a cottage for the same price? Why would she even look at stabling that is included with a house?
Sorry op, it sounds completely wrong.
Good luck

Bunznroses Thu 23-May-13 21:20:24

Sounds to me like they're planning to move in together! (Sorry OP)

IUsedtobeMe Wed 29-May-13 22:45:38

Well, through a weird set of circumstances, he had to give me his phone and tell me the unlock code.

And guess what?

Yep, no texts! Crap excuse about it filling up. Had to point out that I've had my phone for much longer and don't even know how to delete texts.

I've also been cyber stalking. She's blond,pretty, about 10-12 years younger than me, thin and very fit. I am not blond, I am menopausal, fat, frumpy, and very unfit - it's a bit difficult to fit the gym into your lifestyle when you're running your DH's business, your own business, and full time carer to your son sad. It's not helped the self-esteem issue.

I now need a get out plan, for a very difficult situation. I guess I need to head over to relationships.

TheChaoGoesMu Wed 29-May-13 23:06:51

Op I've been in this position before. Dp told me it was innocent, insisted I was paranoid and untrusting. Stupid me believed him and went against my own instincts. Until I found a spare mobile phone in the house that he had been using. It was not innocent at all. I was so angry with myself for not trusting my instincts. And so so sad. It dragged things out and took so much longer to get over due to dp's lies which went on for months and months. Those were bad times. Look after yourself op. Maybe your dh isn't lying, I don't know him, but I would suspect he is.

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