About my brothers wedding?

(88 Posts)
Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:00:04

I think I ABU but I'm not sure.

My brothers been with his partner for nearly 8 years. They don't want children and have always been blase about marriage saying it's outdated etc.

Now they're buying a house and making wills etc., it seems life will be much easier for them if they're married.

So because they don't really see marriage as anything big, they've decided to get hitched in a small room with 2 witnesses, no ceremony to speak of, no invites, no reception, no photos etc. They're not even that bothered about our parents (or her parents) being there.

I feel quite hurt by this because I haven't been invited but I see my brothers wedding as a big event that I'd like to be at. But they don't see it as a big event. Therefore, I'm worried I ABU but I can't help feeling a bit sad

Sorry- very ranty post

HoHoHoNoYouDont Mon 20-May-13 14:02:54

Sounds like my perfect wedding grin

It sounds sensible to me. They don't want a fuss and the minute you start inviting people that's what it becomes.

Why not throw a dinner party for them at your house, your own little celebration.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 20-May-13 14:03:40

Sorry you feel sad about it, but yes, yabu. It's their wedding, their way. If you want a big celebration for your own wedding, start saving. smile

ComposHat Mon 20-May-13 14:03:53

I think you are being a wee bit unreasonable. You are investing a meaning in their wedding day that it doesn't hold for them. To them it appears to be a legal necessity rather than a celebration.

It is a bit like moaning that they didn't ask you to come and watch them pay their council tax bill.

Loulybelle Mon 20-May-13 14:04:36

My friends cousin got married in this way, my friend was hurt, but then her cousin is a no frills kinda girl and quickly got over it.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 14:04:41


My mum is in this situation right now! My parents have been together 31 years and my mum has finally agreed to get married (she has never wanted to as the daughter of two people who have had 5 marriages between them). She wants nobody but myself and my father there. My dad's sisters have said she's selfish and it's caused so much upset for my mum.

Marriage is between two people; a wedding is a public celebration. Your brother is getting married, he is not having a wedding.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Mon 20-May-13 14:05:15

It is a bit like moaning that they didn't ask you to come and watch them pay their council tax bill. grin


Floralnomad Mon 20-May-13 14:05:50

TBH I think they're being really sensible , not wasting money on a wedding when its really being done for financial /legal reasons , good for them .

expatinscotland Mon 20-May-13 14:05:59

YABU. Some people don't want a 'wedding' and they shouldn't feel pressured to have one for other peoples' benefit.

TheseGoToEleven Mon 20-May-13 14:06:04

YABU. I wanted a wedding like that but DH insisted on inviting people. In our case it was also a legal issue rather than that I wanted to be married, if it had been left to me we never would have bothered!

MrsHoarder Mon 20-May-13 14:06:56

Unfortunately pressure to have a bigger party than wanted puts people off marriage. Your DB has decided he never wants a wedding but would like the state too recognise his life-long partnership, so is getting married.

He is avoiding having a wedding, which is entirely his choice.

ENormaSnob Mon 20-May-13 14:07:24

Yabu. Very.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 20-May-13 14:07:59

It's not an event for them. They are just taking care of some legal work. It's clearly no different to them than sitting down with their solicitor and making their wills. Would you feel bad if you weren't there witnessing that?

It's a wedding to you, an event to you, because of how you feel about weddings. or marriage.

To them, it's just signing a contract.

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:09:21

GlassofRose I like the split between 'marriage' and 'wedding'- I hadn't thought about it like that. My DB and partner call the 'the nuptuals' rather than the 'wedding'!

Yes, I did suspect I WBU but I just can't help feeling sad that this is they way he feels about marriage.

specialsubject Mon 20-May-13 14:11:11

YABU. If you want to go to a party, host one.

love the 'council tax' comment. Exactly. Wedding ceremonies are very dull. Got bored with mine and it only took 15 mins. (Hasten to add very far from bored with my wonderful husband!)

arethereanyleftatall Mon 20-May-13 14:11:33

YABU. It's their wedding, their choice.

MrsMook Mon 20-May-13 14:11:43

Neither of you is being unreasonable. They want to sign a legal contract. You want to celebrate them being married as it's a rite of passage. Unfortunately they are mutually incompatible desires. It's just one of those things.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 20-May-13 14:12:59

Why do you feel sad? It's no reflection on your marriage/views on marriage or anyone else's and it's not about seriousness in a relationship.

StuntGirl Mon 20-May-13 14:15:35

I agree with hec. I'm not sure why you feel sad about your brothers sensible and valid choice.

abasicname Mon 20-May-13 14:15:46

YABU. They are doing what they want. Just for legal reasons and nothing else. It's the same as if they went down the solicitors to sign wills, you wouldn't expect and invite, party, and dressing up for that would you? This is all that is for them, so given how they feel about it I would think it would be unreasonable if they were to invite people because that's a bit fake. Good on them.

hotcrosbum Mon 20-May-13 14:15:46

That's what I wanted, only pouty mouthed, stampy footed relatives got their way and I had a wedding I hated.

Wish them well and let them have the day they want, it's only their business what they do.

BackforGood Mon 20-May-13 14:16:48

YANBU to be feeling sad. I would be terribly upset if my brother did this, but I would have to accept that ultimately it's up to them.
Are you the only sibling, or would inviting you mean they would then have to invite 6 other siblings and 6 other siblings-in-law ?
If it's just you, then maybe your Mum or Dad could let them know how disappointed you are, and 'left out' you feel ? But I suspect that would be harder if there are lots of other siblings.

lynniep Mon 20-May-13 14:18:34

YABU. I understand why you're upset, but they are doing what suits them. My parents (ok DF and DStep-M) got married with only a parent each as their witness. They had both been married before, and wanted to simply make it legal. My DStep-M's sister in law kicked off big time that she wasn't invited. I dont think they spoke again after that (this was in 1984) So just quietly be sad, but accept. They are doing exactly what is right for them.

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:18:58

Thanks for all of the comments. As I said in my first post, I thought I WBU and I'm glad the wisdom of MN has confirmed that for me!!

I just can't get my head around the idea that getting married means very little to them. For me, marriage is a huge rite of passage deal so I can't see their perspective. Not that I don't respect it etc, I just can't get it.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 14:19:20

It's okay to be upset that he doesn't value weddings like you do, but please think about why you feel it's so important.

Personally I don't understand the importance of weddings. I come from quite a big multicultural family so I've been to lots of types of weddings throughout my life. No matter what type, unless they were no frills they all seemed very much like an excuse for a family get together/ a party/ a show of wealth / living out childhood loo roll dolly dreams. I don't like parties or being center of attention and cannot think of anything less personal and intimate than getting married in front of everybody!

Don't be sad that your brother feels like this, be proud that he loves his wife to be and has no doubts about their relationship... it's so strong that they don't even feel the need to make a big public declaration. I personally think it's far more romantic and touching.

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:21:19

Backforgood I have two brothers. One got married with big white wedding business a few years ago. So inviting me would mean inviting my other bro and his wife as well.

My DBs partner is an only child though so no siblings to invite on her side.

OctopusWrangler Mon 20-May-13 14:21:23

Good for them, and for you for knowing deep down you're just being irrationally sisterlygrin

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:22:49

OctopusWrangler Ah shucks!

pictish Mon 20-May-13 14:24:27

Yes yabu. It's up to them.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 14:24:53


What do you mean by right of passage?

LaRegina Mon 20-May-13 14:25:17

Sorry but YABU.

IF you want to play weddings why not organise yourself one to get your vows renewed or something? Or just buy this

LaRegina Mon 20-May-13 14:25:43


SvetlanaKirilenko Mon 20-May-13 14:26:11

YABU (and you know it, well done), this is what we did because it was what we wanted. It was wonderful and stress-free and made us very happy.

diddl Mon 20-May-13 14:26:52

Well it is up to them, of course.

I suppose if it means nothing to them I can see why they want it so low key.

Sad that they have't thought that close family might like to be there, though.

Who are the witnesses?

pootlebug Mon 20-May-13 14:27:24

"I just can't get my head around the idea that getting married means very little to them. For me, marriage is a huge rite of passage deal so I can't see their perspective. Not that I don't respect it etc, I just can't get it."

My husband and I got married with just us and our kids there. It wasn't because marriage isn't important to us - it was just because we didn't want that type of 'do'. Thankfully our families were supportive of our choice.

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:29:05

GlassofRose Hmmm, I guess I see a marriage as a big 'life event' like leaving school, buying your first house, getting married, having children. So a rite of passage in that way.

My DB and his partner are more unconventional though I'm very boring and average and don't really go with the norm, IYSWIM.

LaRegina hmm

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 20-May-13 14:30:50

You don't need to get it. You just need to get that this is what it means to them, and accept it. You don't need to understand WHY it's not a big to them to understand that it is not a big deal to them.

iyswim. grin

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 14:36:19

Well with no offence intended OP, that makes it sound more like something you do because it's the done thing rather than an intimate special decision.

I honestly believe the reason so many marriages don't workout is because of the emphasis on having a wedding rather than getting married and who to.

oscarwilde Mon 20-May-13 14:36:24

It could be worse. I've got a colleague who got married in Japan to a Japanese lady. They filled out a form, and she took it to the council office to be stamped while he had a lie in. 2 hrs later they were married. I don't think they even went out to dinner to celebrate shock

HoobleDooble Mon 20-May-13 14:36:24

I understand you feeling a bit rejected, but it's up to them. I had a very low key wedding, register office then a meal in a pub after for close family and my 2 closest friends. I did have a few uninvited extras who turned at the register office, but didn't mind, so don't quite understand why they don't just let you attend the actual 'tying the knot' bit.

So I think you will BU if you try and interfere with their plans, but you're not BU for having feelings/opinions about it, just keep them to yourself. They may decide, years down the line, that they regret not making a thing of it, and have a huge blessing that you are invited to.

LaRegina Mon 20-May-13 14:39:25

Ok have no sense of humour then grin

scaevola Mon 20-May-13 14:42:15

They're getting married, not having a wedding. That sounds fine to me.

CPtart Mon 20-May-13 14:49:51

I didn't get invited to my brother's wedding. Only the parents. They too wanted a very small intimate service and I respect that. We are not close however, I maybe only see him two or three times a year so it didn't bother me in the least!

I wanted a wedding like that, just me, him and the children. He wanted his flipping family and friends so although it was v v small it wasnt really what I wanted tbh.

So, YABU as you know, I really think a wedding is about the marriage and about the two people involved, but I realise I am not a people person and a miserable git so I`m probably wrong grin

Startail Mon 20-May-13 14:52:11

YANBU, but sometimes we do need a moment's rant when people do things quite differently to us, then we can take a deep breath and carry on.

DSIL is like your brother and I confess that DH,DMIL and I did bake a cake and organise a very low key party at the house after her wedding.

Should we have done? Well she joined in and didn't disown us. BIL probably gave us another black mark, but no one cared about that.

Yes, weddings are your day, but when you've been part of a village all your life there is a balance to be struck.

I think this is why survival partnerships for all is such a good idea. The word wedding comes with baggage.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 14:53:55

Yes, weddings are your day, but when you've been part of a village all your life there is a balance to be struck.

I don't believe this ever applies. You can't have weddings, babies etc live to please others

Me and DP are doing this. Except to save this sort of angst, we're not telling anyone that we're getting married. We will have wedding rings though, so people might guess at some point I suppose. At least you know about the marriage OP grin.

Getting married ie the wedding might not mean much to them, but being married might mean a lot! They are just fast tracking to marriage, which is what getting married is all about.

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:57:29

Horrace See my DB and his partner the opposite, they're telling people but they're not having rings grin

Tubemole1 Mon 20-May-13 15:01:04

I wanted a wedding like your brother's but I told my mum and she got very upset.

We owned property together and wanted a child, so legally we was better off getting married.

We didn't get the wedding we wanted because our family kicked up a fuss. I have regretted it ever since. But I still didn't wear a dress, there was no photographer and no speeches. We all went together to the register office on a minibus. Mum still wasn't ecstatic, but we had limited means, so, tough.

Your brother has already proved to his partner that they are a good match and in it for the long term. Getting married was merely a legal formality. Marriage isn't one day, it's (hopefully) for life.

cory Mon 20-May-13 15:05:54

"I just can't get my head around the idea that getting married means very little to them. For me, marriage is a huge rite of passage deal so I can't see their perspective. Not that I don't respect it etc, I just can't get it."

Remember that you don't have to "get" everything about him for him to be your brother and for you to have a loving relationship.

I have a different religion to my brothers. Have had since I was in primary school. It's not a rejection of them- it's got nothing to do with them. Just something that is right for me.

My brother didn't buy a house until he was in his fifties. That wasn't a rejection of me, just the way it suited him.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 15:08:22

All the "I didn't get a day I wanted" stories makes me honestly sad. It really is sad that a parents hopes and dreams are more important than yours.

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 15:10:04

GlassofRose That's exactly what I was thinking.

I'm actually really glad my DBs decided to do it his way rather than going with what me, my mums etc would want after reading some of stories of unhappy brides on here grin grin

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 15:12:17

Glad you feel like that fresh smile

Personally A quick pop to local town hall then afternoon tea somewhere posh like Claridges sounds perfect to me grin

diddl Mon 20-May-13 15:16:20

But sometimes we don't do things exactly how we want because we take the feelings of others into account.

For example they could invite parents/siblings to the ceremony & all go out to lunch.

Doesn't have to be all rellies there or none!

BackforGood Mon 20-May-13 15:29:56

I agree Diddl.
I can't agree with GlassofRose - of course you can do things the way you want, but I think you will end up quite sad, and maybe even lonely if you never take account of the feelings of people close to you either.
*Diddl's suggestion doesn't involve a big 'fuss' or special dress or rings or people looking at you, but it would acknowledge that it is a significant day.

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 15:43:50

Diddl I think being quite isolated (if not lonely) is what my DB and his partner actually want!

Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 15:44:36

^ I meant BackforGood re that last post! Sorry!

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 15:47:09

Backforgood - But if people are willing to cut ties or devalue the relationship you have with them because they don't like the way you chose to marry etc then are they who you want in your life?

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 15:50:41

For example, if my mum decided she didn't want me at her wedding I might not like the choice but I wouldn't allow it to hurt our relationship because I love her dearly and respect that she makes her own choices and she doesn't need to justify them to me.

If you can't respect other people's choices that you don't like then you don't deserve to have a place in their life as a martyr... in my opinion obviously.

januaryjojo Mon 20-May-13 15:55:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Mon 20-May-13 16:04:30

Well it can snowball, I agree.

But if you stick at parents & siblings & their partners it doesn't have to.

I know that I'd be really hurt if my sibling or child didn't want me at their wedding.

I realise that it's not a big deal to the OPs brother-doesn't mean that it isn't to his parents/siblings.

BarbarianMum Mon 20-May-13 16:12:04

Sounds just like my sister's wedding. If they don't consider it important, then why should you?

I had quite a big wedding. But it's my marriage that's important.

ZillionChocolate Mon 20-May-13 16:15:41

I was thinking YABU and idly wondering how I'd react then realised I have direct experience of this. My sibling got married with no friends/relatives present. That's what they wanted. I accept it and whilst I would faced lived to be there, what they did/didn't want was more important. I had the wedding I wanted for me, I can't make everyone else have it.

I can see Diddl's point of "well if they don't care, then it wouldn't hurt" and I expect that works for events like graduations, people get sucked in to the ceremony, photos and lunch to keep proud parents happy. I expect your brother and SIL do care, and have actively rejected any sort of fuss. I'm sure they know you'd be there if they'd let you. You have to respect that. I think the different religion is a good analogy.

If you want a family get together, then organise one. My family have a massive barbecue every summer, sometimes it coincides with a big birthday/wedding anniversary, sometimes not.

ZillionChocolate Mon 20-May-13 16:16:31

Have loved, not faced lived.

ipswitch Mon 20-May-13 16:21:45

I can understand how you feel OP.

My DB is getting married soon and has invited my parents, my godmother and my older BD and family to his wedding but not me and my DH. We are invited to the 3pm reception in a village hall. He says it is a space thing, but I am very hurt and upset too. ( And have been for months)

For me the important part of the wedding is the ceremony and vows and as we are not invited to this we will not making the 300 mile round trip to attend his evening do.

Im very sad too at my brothers decisions re his wedding guest list, but its his choice ( or would be if he had any balls). I wish DB and SIL had decided to have no-one at the wedding but 2 witnessess and then a big party for all afterwards.

DontmindifIdo Mon 20-May-13 16:28:27

I think it's understandable you feel the way you do, because you do see Marriage and Weddings as a big deal, whereas they are only seeing it as a sensible legal arrangment.

Is it also a sense that you've been 'done out of' a family event? for a lot of extended family, a wedding isn't just about the couple, but ends up being almost a community thing, one of the rare events that gets all an extended family together at the same time - so by not doing it that way you have also lost one of those events.

We are running out of family events for a while - of my grandparents generation, we have sadly lost all of them now so no funerals to get everyone together - of my generation, there's only one left of the cousins to get married, then we have a large gap to the younger cousins who if they get married, it'll probably not be for another decade at least. Because of this, I know I'll get pressure to have this DC's christening be a big event (currently pregnant), even if I'd happily just have the baptism in the normal weekly service and just a few people back to ours. (Everyone else in my generation of cousins have either completed their families or are unlikely to have DCs, so last christening option.)

That all said, you do have to accept this is his choice, as said upthread, he's just getting married, he's not throwing a wedding. Keep telling yoruself your DB isn't having a wedding, not that he's having one and not inviting you.

BackforGood Mon 20-May-13 16:47:13

That's interesting FreshCutGrass - you I don't ever think that anyone would want to be isolated. You've opened my eyes smile

GlassofRose I hear what you are saying, but surely in any relationship (parent - child / 2 friends / siblings / etc) there has to be a certain amount of taking the other person's feelings into account ? I wouldn't cut ties if my brother had done this, and I don't think the OP is thinking of it either, but I'd feel 'pushed out' if you like, and there's only so many times over the course of a relationship you want to take that, or it all becomes a bit one sided.

januaryjojo Mon 20-May-13 17:08:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Mon 20-May-13 17:18:02

Who said anything about nieces & nephews?

I mentioned parents & siblings which I think in the case of OPs brother would be 10.

It's up to the couple, of course anyway, it just seems to me that compromise is possible.

Still, it's not what they want, & as OP has said, she has to accept it.

She's sad about it & I know I would be in the same circs.

Still, not about us-but the couple-who are doing exactly what they want.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 17:29:24

I hear what you are saying too BackForGood, but I just don't think that a parents wishes are relevant when you are making life choices like that.

My nan loathes her sons choice in partner. Many reasons why and quite justified but she has to respect that even though his partner isn't her choice for him and it makes her unhappy it is his life choice and allowing it to have an affect on their relationship would destroy it.

You have the right to feel however you like about your loved ones choices, but you just have no right to have a say in them.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 17:30:40

It's almost though some people think being a mother gives you the right to have a say. Maybe when the human you bore is in your care... but as an adult you just don't.

DontmindifIdo Mon 20-May-13 18:18:10

Diddl - but see, if you start having 10 people to a wedding,you have to feed them, you have to think about what you're going to wear, it starts being an event that people who aren't invited too get upset about - and you go with family, they might not actually be the people you are closest too. Whereas the couple getting married this way are not having a wedding event. They are just doing the legal side. Of course, their mistake is telling people they are doing this and expecting their wishes to be respected....

DontmindifIdo Mon 20-May-13 18:24:57

I also find weddings (rather like lots of parenting decisions like weaning, or career choices, or many other choices), are treated by a lot of extended family as telling them what they did was wrong if you chose to do something differently to them.

So having a big do when rest of the family didn't, you'll get accused of being excessive or showy, or only caring about the day not the marriage - have something small when the rest of the family have big weddings, you aren't doing it properly, you're leaving people out, it's selfish if you've been to other people's weddings not to host when it's your turn etc - marriage in a hotel when everyone else has a church wedding - well it's not a "real" wedding, get married in a church when most of the family haven't done that, well you're only doing it for the photos...

januaryjojo Mon 20-May-13 18:25:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Mon 20-May-13 18:30:54

Well to me, 10 people consisting of parents and siblings isn't an event-and why do you have to feed them?

Surely that's only needed when there'a an invitation requesting presence at a reception?

But I do agree that maybe they should just have done it!

maddening Mon 20-May-13 18:37:49

But they don't want anybody there and THEY don't see it as a life event - surely that's what counts.


ComposHat Mon 20-May-13 19:04:21

My cousin did a Vegas jobby

Am I the only poster from North of the Border now visualising someone passing a turd in a spangly jumpsuit?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Mon 20-May-13 19:12:50

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable.

Your brother is very sensible.

But I can understand why, particularly if he is your only sibling and your parents might be going, that you are perhaps feeling sad/left out.

Why not offer to host them a small celebration. Or just have a family get together to reinforce the ties.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 19:40:16

Agree with that DontmindifIdo If it's not the norm' you do question. My cousin is having a paybar wedding and sent a lovely begging money poem in his invite... completely does not tie in with the family way and he is seen as having a wedding he can't afford. In all honesty, he is though.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 20-May-13 19:58:50

My Mum and step dad did exactly this. They didn't tell anyone, I found out a week after!

You have got to respect their wishes however hurt you feel. Not everyone wants a big wedding or to be centre of attention. Maybe they just want to be married? After all, isn't that the important bit?

I feel sorry for all the brides I read about who have interfering family, inviting everyone left right and centre, and basically dictating the wedding without a thought about what the bride and groom want.

Freshcutgrass Tue 21-May-13 09:13:09

Thought I'd post an update on this.

So I spoke to my brother last night and brought up the marriage. I jokingly said "so you don't want your sister there then".

He clarified that his view is as follows:
him and his partner are going along to a register office one afternoon in jeans and T-shirts to sign a bit of paper. The whole world and his wife are welcome to tag along if they wish but there won't be food or a reception or a party or presents or flowers etc.

I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party, he said he didn't see it as an opportunity for a party any more than going to the letting agents to sign a new year-long tenancy.

While I still would love him to see marriage the way I do very BU thing to say and want a celebration, I get that he doesn't. And actually the actual event sounds horrendously boring, which is how the couple see it. I don't think I'll be bothering going grin

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Tue 21-May-13 09:19:44

The MARRIAGE is what's important, not the wedding. A lot of people forget that, sometimes. Good for them for doing what they want to do, and not bowing to external pressures to do it someone else's way.

ZillionChocolate Sat 25-May-13 08:27:45

Glad you seem to have come to terms with his decision OP

Helltotheno Sat 25-May-13 09:19:01

I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party

I thought you had changed your opinion and were ok with it? Sound above like you were still indirectly telling him he was BU!!

I wouldn't mind if my children did this, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Their lives, their way. Of course they'll also be under no illusion that we'll be paying for any big knees up they decide to have either grin

DontmindifIdo Sat 25-May-13 10:59:23

two things stand out: While I still would love him to see marriage the way I do - but what you are talking about is him seeing a wedding the way you do, that doesn't mean the marriage will mean nothing to them, just the ceremony.

If you want a family event, then perhaps you should organise one? Anyone in the family with a significant anniversary or birthday coming up? There's nothing to stop you arranging a big family knees up if that's what you want, but the thing is, you will be the one to pay for it. It's rather unfair to be annoyed your brother hasn't spent several thousand pounds putting on an event for you and the rest of the family when he doesn't want to.

But i can understand why you feel 'done out of a chance to have a family party' (esp as you get older and there's not many event excuses until the younger generation start getting married/having DCs Christened) - weddings are unlike any other family party in that there's more pressure to attend than others and you are more likely to get a 'full house' of the family together. But this is about you and what you want, not what your DB wants. i do think more brides and grooms would enjoy their weddings more if there wasn't so much family pressure and other people taking 'ownership' of the day.

DontmindifIdo Sat 25-May-13 11:03:46

sorry, posted too soon - I didn't put the other thing that stood out!
I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party - that makes it clear it's not about missing his marriage ceremony that was the problem, it was the chance to catch up with great aunty XXX, to let your DCs see all the second cousins, the chance to get all the family together and create a family memory, not missing the wedding that has upset you. Perhaps focus that this isn't actually about your DB or his soon to be DW, it's about the rest of the family.

Are your family geographically spread out and/or don't meet up much any more?

WafflyVersatile Sat 25-May-13 11:20:16

If you did go you would probably still feel sad that it amounted to a transaction like paying the council tax bill to steal that brill analogy, instead of being more weddingy, so it's a bit of a no win for you. And having you there being sad that it was a bigger deal wouldn't improve the day for them either.

However YANBU for feeling a bit sad. You can feel sad about whatever you want.

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