ro be upset with dh for lack of thought

(84 Posts)
Spinme307 Sun 19-May-13 09:59:32

I'm pretty sure i'm not but usually things have a way of being my fault most of the time....

Yesterday I was very very hurt and upset by something that happened with my parents and my brother but that's a whole other thread.

At around half 8 last night I just needed some space and time to myself so went out for a drive and tbh a good sob to myself. Dh knew why I had gone for a drive and why I was so upset.

After I had got it of my system I drove home expecting dh to give me a big hug and tell me I'm loved and its their problem not mine. But no....he'd gone to bed and was fast asleep.....the only one there for me was my cat.

I felt so hurt that my dh wasn't waiting to comfort me and that his bed was more important. it wasn't late it was half ten

Yettish Sun 19-May-13 10:02:14

YABU for going for a drive when you were upset. You need full, calm attention to drive safely. Driving while upset or angry is as dangerous as driving drunk. Next time, go for a walk.

HollyBerryBush Sun 19-May-13 10:02:32

I find it odd you left the house to be by yourself and have a cry and expect someone to be waiting to comfort you. In a normal relationship you'd have talked it through with DH and he'd have cuddled you if you were upset. I find it peculiar he wasn't your first port of call in such a situation.

Possibly because you isolated yourself he didn't want to encroach on your time.

WannaBeANinja Sun 19-May-13 10:02:59

maybe he was tired!

TheCutOfYourJib Sun 19-May-13 10:03:34

Well he was obviously tired if he was fast asleep. You sound a bit needy.

Casmama Sun 19-May-13 10:04:29

Does this sort of thing happen often because your expectations are very specific?
You wanted space and he gave you space.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 19-May-13 10:05:13

You went for a drive on your own suggesting that you didn't want to talk about it. You even said you wanted to be on your own. I think you gave too many mixed signals, and he probably thought he was doing the right thing to give you space.

LeaveTheBastid Sun 19-May-13 10:05:27

If you wanted comfort you should have stayed home confused you can't say you needed space hen expect him to be waiting with open arms when you decide you need him now.

He probably thought he was doing you a favour being out of your way when you got home.

Unless you specifically said "could do with a hug when I get home" them YABU. He isn't psychic.

I'm agreeing with Holly and Jib it does seem pretty needy and unreasonable that you expect him to be waiting for you, when clearly you'd made an effort to isolate yourself.

thanks about your family upsetting you.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 10:05:52

I think he was selfish, i would have been worried sick if my partner did this - i would have of course respected their need to be alone, but i would be damned sure i wouldn't have gone to bed! I may well have fallen asleep on the sofa blush but i would have waited up.

Sorry that you are having a crap time.

CrazyOldCatLady Sun 19-May-13 10:06:21

If you wanted space and time to yourself he probably thought you didn't need him. How was he supposed to know that when you got home, your requirements would have changed? He's not psychic, presumably?

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 10:08:19

I think the other posters here are being a bit harsh - sometimes when upset is raw, you need time to process it, you may want to get away from your usual environment and be alone to do this. I would have thought that once the OP got her thoughts straight, she would have appreciated a cuddle and a bit of sympathy when she got home. I can't see any way in which it is needy.

Yettish Sun 19-May-13 10:08:34

I think he was selfish, i would have been worried sick if my partner did this

I think this is what OP wanted - for her partner to be worried sick about her driving around on her own and sobbing, enjoying the drama.

He had more sense than to play that stupid game.

Spinme307 Sun 19-May-13 10:09:17

I didn't drive far just to the park as my dh isn't the talking type and I didn't want my dd's to hear me crying and upset especially when it was over their grandparents who they are extremely close to.

I just thought he'd be there just to hug me

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 19-May-13 10:10:02

Yettish.

Why put the boot in to an upset OP?

DiscoDonkey Sun 19-May-13 10:10:48

Think Yabu about your dh. Sorry your parents have upset you though.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 19-May-13 10:11:09

Re your DP..he maybe handles stuff differently and thought you needed space?

pictish Sun 19-May-13 10:11:29

Don't take it too hard OP. He didn't know that was what your expectations of him were.

Vividmemories Sun 19-May-13 10:12:04

How was he meant to know you wanted that? You left him home with the DDs, he was tired and went to bed, probably in anticipation of a hard day ahead (ie today, looking after DDs while you're upset).

DiscoDonkey Sun 19-May-13 10:13:10

Sadly I think it's a common theme on mn these days to be as harsh as you can on an OP. it almost like a sport for some posters.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 19-May-13 10:13:31

You are obviously upset, and there's nothing wrong with wanting a hug and some emotional support from your DH. But by going out you basically told him that you didn't need that and that you wanted space to be on your own.

You can't tell someone that you want to be alone and then expect them to be a mind reader and know that you do actually want them around and at what time.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 10:14:12

Yettish - if the thing that upset her was her DH then yes, you could argue that she was being a drama llama but it was something else, she wanted time to process then a hug when she got home. I think it was pretty shitty for her DH to take himself off to bed without making sure she was ok when she got back. Maybe his empathy levels are on par with yours!

moogy1a Sun 19-May-13 10:14:43

I didn't want my dd's to hear me crying and upset
Sweet lord, how loudly were you planning on crying??
All sounds a bit amdram to me

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 10:15:36

I think this is one of those threads with a fair few sheep on it

YABU. He's not psychic. Unless I was specifically told otherwise, I'd presume that someone who was upset and went for a drive alone for 2 hours, actually wanted to be alone.

MalcolmTuckersMum Sun 19-May-13 10:16:12

To be a little more fair to him did he have any idea at all what time you'd be back? Had you said "Won't be long" or something? I get that you wanted comfort but perhaps you needed to be more specific in explaining your needs.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 10:17:02

OP - i'd ask to get this to be moved to relationships, you'll get a more measured response there.

plainjaney Sun 19-May-13 10:18:18

He can't read your mind, he thinks you want space, he's given you that. If you wanted comfort when you returned you could have woken him and asked.
I tell my DH when I need space too, but when I'm over my mood/tantrum/pms etc I go to him and ask for a cuddle because he doesn't know I'm over it and need a hug.

EleanorFarjeon Sun 19-May-13 10:18:25

He's not a mind reader.

My dad's advice to me on my wedding day was 'don't make silent demands'.

Maybe he thought you needed time alone.

I wouldn't expect dh to wait for me but he probably would anyway, just to check I was ok.

I would do the same for him.

However I would seriously worry that he didn't try to stop you driving when you were in a state.

LeaveTheBastid Sun 19-May-13 10:20:05

It's not harsh at all Donkey. What's harsh is being very hurt by your DH because he didn't know that when you pissed off for a cry and some space that he needed to be there with open arms, a cup of tea and plenty of "there there's" whenever it was that she decided to return. She said she wanted space and she got it, can't see the problem. She didn't make her expectations clear. She left the house because she wanted to be alone, her DH probably thought that given that she left the house to be alone it'd be good for her if she had the run of the house alone when she got home, too.

livinginwonderland Sun 19-May-13 10:21:47

YABU, but I do get why you're upset. If my DP did this, I'd assume he wanted to just be alone so I would be happy to go to bed and leave him be - he's an adult, after all. If I was the upset one, I'd talk to DP first, then if I wanted the alone time, I'd do that aftewards.

pictish Sun 19-May-13 10:22:59

My dad's advice to me on my wedding day was 'don't make silent demands'.

Your dad is very wise. How can anone pass a test they didn't know was being set?

Bunbaker Sun 19-May-13 10:23:23

I'm sorry your parents have upset you flowers and hope you feel better today. Unfortunately I think your expectations about your husband waiting up for you were a little unrealistic. You told him you wanted to be alone, so he gave you the space to do so. He won't have realised that you also wanted him to make a fuss of you when you came home unless you specifically asked him to. I think you need to make it clearer to him what you expect of him - he isn't a mind reader. If you gave out the "leave me alone" message perhaps he felt pushed out? Also, if he was already asleep he must have been extremely tired or you were out for a very long time.

I'm sorry, but I agree with moogy. Do you cry so loudly that when you are in another room other people can hear you? Could you not have just gone up to your bedroom?

Ragwort Sun 19-May-13 10:24:35

'don't make silent demands' - that is one the best pieces of advice I have heard for a long time Eleanor - so many misunderstandings/communication breakdowns could be avoided if people (men and women) could calmly state their needs/expectations without going all sulky and expecting their partners to be mind readers. Also applies to all sorts of relationships - with children/friends/relatives etc etc You see this time and again on Mumsnet, and in RL

pictish Sun 19-May-13 10:24:42

There's nothing weong with your kids seeing you cry on accasion anyway.
Or do parents not have feelings?

Samu2 Sun 19-May-13 10:25:17

I have a rule, if I want something from my husband I ask him for it. He's not a mind reader so if I want a hug or something and he doesn't think to give it to me I ask him.

I don't understand people who expect their husbands to know exactly what it is that they want.

I am sorry your family hurt you but don't feel bad for your husband not being up, he thought you wanted space and he gave it to you. Next time, ask for what you want x

HollyBerryBush Sun 19-May-13 10:25:20

I'm biting my tongue on this - but I have a mental picture of a flouncer, off for a boo hoo in the park. It's just so melodramatic.

pictish Sun 19-May-13 10:25:28

Sxcuse typing...the letters have all rubbed off on my ketboatd and it's hard to tell what you're hitting.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 10:26:12

I am gobsmacked by the lack of sympathy on this thread.

pictish Sun 19-May-13 10:27:11

Holly - that's not biting your tongue. wink

HollyBerryBush Sun 19-May-13 10:29:20

pictish believe me, I am. grin

Ragwort Sun 19-May-13 10:29:35

It is possible to be sympathetic but also gently suggesting that the whole scenario could have been better handled; obviously in RL we would be kinder to a friend who had this issue but in a forum things come across in a more blunt way because we haven't got time/energy to type out loads of sympathtic comments and then some practical advice.

Spinme307 Sun 19-May-13 10:30:14

this is not something that happened before I have never been so hurt, upset and betrayed by anyone let alone my parents.

My reasoning is that if it were the other way round i'd have stayed up til he was home and just hugged him and told him I loved him.....sorry if my view of relationships is wrong........

pictish Sun 19-May-13 10:30:29

Ok then grin.
I admire your restraint.

ParadiseChick Sun 19-May-13 10:31:04

Op ignore the bitchy fuckers. Some people seem to make it their objective to take the polar opposite point of view from the op and be as shit as possible about it.

I've taken myself out before, drove to the sea (ten minutes away) and worked through my thoughts. It's not dramatic. After a day of the usual hectic life stuff it's hard to get the physical and mental space sometimes. I don't storm out, just tell dh I'm heading out. Sometimes you don't want to talk.

But he isn't a mind reader. Be a bit more open with him.

Hope you're feeling better today.

pictish Sun 19-May-13 10:31:13

OP - you're going to have outline the parent scenario now you do realise?

NoelHeadbands Sun 19-May-13 10:31:41

I think he was probably just trying to give you the space he thought you needed.

How was he with you this morning?

Spinme if it's never happened before then really how is your DH meant to know how to react? Just because you'd do something, doesn't mean that everyone would automatically do the same thing too.

Again, I'm very sorry your parents have upset you. It's amazing how people the closest to you know exactly what to say to twist the knife, sometimes. thanks

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 19-May-13 10:32:31

How shitty to criticise someone for the manner in which they become upset <also biting tongue tbh>

McNewPants2013 Sun 19-May-13 10:32:55

I don't get this mind reader crap, her husband should know his wife.

He wouldn't even let me take the car if I was that upset, he would suggest a walk or offer to make me a cup of coffee.

Being in a loving relationship means you shouldn't have to tell your DP what you need emotionally.

pictish Sun 19-May-13 10:35:12

Being in a loving relationship means you shouldn't have to tell your DP what you need emotionally.

That's a lovely notion. Sounds so reasonable.
It's unrealistic though. Our needs and priorities often change. Communication is all....

NoelHeadbands Sun 19-May-13 10:35:39

But McNew I don't always react to everything in the same way. I wouldn't expect my husband to always know what is 100% the right thing to do for me at that time, and vice versa

TheCutOfYourJib Sun 19-May-13 10:38:06

Without knowing how or why your parents upset you, we only have," I was upset " to go on.
From that standpoint it sounds like you were being dramatic. Driving off to "be alone" crying loudly. You aren't getting a kicking just people saying what they think, because you asked.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 10:39:15

The way I see it is this - it doesn't actually matter whether or not the OP WANTED her DH to be there for her when she was home. If this were my DP i would want to know he was home safely before i headed off to bed. If i were tired iwould have snoozed on the sofa and waited to see if he wanted to talk/have a cuddle when he got home.

CaramelLatte Sun 19-May-13 10:41:07

I don't think it was unreasonable to expect your DH to still be up just to check if you were ok. Don't get why others think otherwise to be honest, it is just the decent thing to do surely, make sure your lived ones are alright and support them in times like this.

McNewPants2013 Sun 19-May-13 10:41:36

Neither do I react the same way every time, but I know my dh would have waited up offered a cup of coffee and said I am here if you need me.

CaramelLatte Sun 19-May-13 10:42:01

loved not lived.

Bunbaker Sun 19-May-13 10:43:49

"I don't get this mind reader crap, her husband should know his wife."

Not all men are good at picking up mixed messages. If I said to OH "leave me alone" he wouldn't be able to read that I really meant "give me a cuddle".

NoelHeadbands Sun 19-May-13 10:44:41

Mine would too, but that isn't the same as absolutely 'knowing' what I need emotionally

I think it'd probably be a good idea if OP actually asked why he went to bed and let him know she was upset. Again, he may have been a little thoughtless, but you should have made it clear to him what you wanted. Some people are bad at dealing with emotional situations like this.

I think you should explain to him that in the future you'd like it if he waited up for you, that way he knows the appropriate response you expect from him.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 19-May-13 10:59:59

I know everyones relationship is different, but I personally think that in this situation a husband should know that their wife is going to need some support once they had that time to cry/process it all. I really like the silent demands advice, but in my relationship this would be something that didn't need to be said. It's an unspoken agreement that I will be there for DH to support him and he will be there for me whenever we are struggling emotionally. It would seem that the OP made the assumption that they had the same agreement and so is devastated that this doesn't seem to be the case. So sorry OP, it must be horrible to feel let down by your parents, brother and now your DH.

I do agree it's probably not the wisest idea to drive when you are so emotional, but we've all had times where we just need to get away.

Oooooooooohhhhhhh, have you always been such a drama lama ??

badguider Sun 19-May-13 11:02:27

I can see why you were disappointed he wasn't still up when you got home and felt you needed a cuddle, but honestly I don't think he could have known when you'd be back or what you would want when you came back as you didn't even know.

You can't control yesterday, but today you can open up and communicate with your DH.. you can say that you love him and you wished he'd still been up when you got home for a cuddle (but don't 'blame' him or accuse him).

So many people on MN just don't seem to communicate with their dh/dp when they are upset with them...

ParadiseChick Sun 19-May-13 11:16:10

What's dramallama (what are you? 12?) about going out for some space?

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 11:20:39

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh have you always been so thoughtless apocalypse?

How are those comments helpful?

Spinme307 Sun 19-May-13 11:31:40

have spoken to dh and told him I would have appreciated him waiting up for me and he said sorry for not doing so but he was tired despite not getting up til 11am yesterday morning. But its his weekend lie in after being at work all week.

Maybe I'm a bitch, maybe not I don't know anymore but just feel very alone right now.....

McNewPants2013 Sun 19-May-13 11:35:25

When I am upset with Dh I do tell him, but the op isn't upset over something her dh did she is upset over another her parents.

Do you all really have to instruct your partners over emotional support, because I believe emotional support should be given because you love and care for that person.

Bunbaker Sun 19-May-13 11:44:45

I still maintain that when you make it perfectly clear you want to be alone you cannot expect someone who feels pushed out to be there for you.

I think the OP's husband probably felt that he wasn't wanted or needed at that point, plus he was very tired so went to bed.

How long were you out Spinme307?

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 19-May-13 11:47:45

OP

are you passing some of hurt and upset caused by your parents and brother on to your DP?

As for for those saying he should know what the OP wants, I have always found that verbal communication is the key to preventing missunderstanding.

cory Sun 19-May-13 11:52:20

"Don't take it too hard OP. He didn't know that was what your expectations of him were."

I think this sums it up. Just a case of misunderstanding, it's nobody's fault really, these things happen. I find it helps to be very specific about my needs to dh. It's not because he doesn't give emotional support without being asked: it's because sometimes, just like the OP, I am quite specific about the support I need (first I need to be left alone, then I need a hug).

I think my tendency to verbalise stems from years of watching my father floundering, trying to offer support, then finding it was the wrong type, and finally getting too afraid to do anything for fear of getting it wrong again.

The truth is that dh and I are very different people- and even I am not totally consistent from one occasion to another- so there is plenty of scope for getting things wrong. And I would find it equally frustrating if dh blamed me afterwards for not instinctively understanding how he wanted to be supported, when his reactions are so totally different from what seems the natural reaction to me.

Numberlock Sun 19-May-13 11:59:44

What's the issue with your parents and is it able to be resolved? Can your husband help you practically to work on this?

"usually things have a way of being my fault most of the time"
OP, what do you mean by this? What things? sad

Spinme307 Sun 19-May-13 12:49:42

Just generally things end up being my fault, problems with my brother, misunderstandings with dh, difficulties with dd's......etc.

Dh is well aware of what happened with parents and brother but he wont ever get involved in it he's not that kind of person and right now I don't feel like I can face parents or brother without wanting to scream at them....
I'm only ever wanted when they need something the rest of the time only my siblings will do....

chinam Sun 19-May-13 12:54:28

Op. shame on you for being the first person in the whole world to behave slightly irrationally when upset. Aren't you lucky you had so many lovely posters to show you the error of your ways...

PoppyAmex Sun 19-May-13 13:03:46

"What's dramallama (what are you? 12?) about going out for some space?"

Nothing, but that's the point exactly, she needed some space and her DH gave her some.

"Don't make silent demands"
Eleanor, that's excellent advice.

Euphemia Sun 19-May-13 13:19:40

You can't get upset because you had expectations of someone which you didn't communicate to them! How unfair on your DH! The message he got was "I need some space," so he gave you some.

Stating what you would have done had he been the one who was upset is pointless: that's what you would want to do, not necessarily what your DH would want or need.

Talk to him! Let him know what you need! If you don't communicate, he's rarely going to get it right, you'll get pissed off at him, and he'll be treading on eggshells around you. Is that what you want?

YABU

GingerBlondecat Sun 19-May-13 13:47:43

(((((((((((((((Spin))))))))))))))) <3

im in the drama llama camp.

he's not a mind reader, he's apologised and you're still being on a downer with him.

Get over yourself and deal with your family like an adult.

ilovesooty Sun 19-May-13 14:32:13

* i'd ask to get this to be moved to relationships, you'll get a more measured response there*

i.e. everyone will tell her she's being abused and she ought to LTB.

OP, I'm sorry to hear you've been upset by your family, but it sounds as though it isn't a one off and you could benefit from exploring some strategies to deal with it. Perhaps your husband also feels it's complex and is rather apprehensive about getting involved?

I also agree with the "don't make silent demands" advice. Your husband gave you the space you asked for and I don't think he could reasonably be expected to know automatically that your needs would be different when you returned - and he has apologised.

OK, my advice.

Post about your parents in Relationships. Actually say what is wrong and ask for advice.

Tell your DH what you need. Ask for a hug when you need it and space when you need it.

The less sympathetic posts may be a result of two things. People hate people who expect their partners to be psychic. We've all been on the wrong end of that... People also hate threads that are drip-feeding and self indulgent. It makes them think you are in RL.

KhaosandKalamity Tue 21-May-13 11:16:49

brew and a biscuit for you. It is not all your fault, don't forget that. And we all know how easy it is to come across as melodramatic when we are upset, especially when one big issue is making all of the smaller issues seem so much larger and more daunting. Don't let the blunter posters get you down even further. Just take it one thing at a time, make sure you get an extra big cuddle in the morning and move on.

As for the 'drama queen camp' posters, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Although I am sure you have a deep understanding of OPs mental state and personality based on the few sentences of text provided, if it is not helpful keep it to yourself.

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Tue 21-May-13 12:04:44

How long were you gone, OP? I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted, but how on earth was he supposed to give you something he had no earthly way of knowing you needed?

CinnabarRed Tue 21-May-13 12:21:06

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

I don't think you're a drama-llama.

However, in your DH's place, I too would have gone to bed.

It's just miscommunication between you, and "horses for courses". Not thoughtlessness as far as I can see.

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