to feel hurt by my so-called friend?

(79 Posts)
FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 22:09:34

Organised a night out with my friend weeks ago, and reminded her about it a couple of days ago and she said she'd completely forget and that she didn't have much money this month due to her owing money out and having a few birthday.

Was disappointed but tried not to dwell on it and she suggested lunch on Sunday (tomorrow) instead. Text her today and said are we definitely going out tomorrow? 3 hours ago and still haven't heard back.

Go on Facebook and see that her friend has tagged her as out drinking. So she did go out tonight. I really could actually cry - if I'm not being unreasonable then I definitely am being pathetic sad

supersue1969 Sat 18-May-13 22:11:27

You are not be unreasonable - I would be really upset too,

everlong Sat 18-May-13 22:11:28

Ouch.

That would hurt me too.

Are you going to tell her you know?

SarahAndFuck Sat 18-May-13 22:11:58

YANBU but perhaps someone offered to treat her and she isn't paying herself.

<looks for bright side>

I'd be hurt and upset too though.

DPotter Sat 18-May-13 22:12:34

You are neither unreasonable or pathetic ! Is it too late to text her and ask if you can join them ?

I would be feeling a little upset too tbh. I would be Unavailable for a while and see how you feel about her after a time away.
I found out a friend was lying to me through fb. I deleted fb and the rl friend. I don't miss her. I do feel cross I devoted a lot of time and effort to our friendship when it was clearly only one way.

Dorange Sat 18-May-13 22:13:28

Leave a message underneath the photo saying how gorgeous she is looking and how much fun she is having xxx, than de-friend...on FB and RL.

Lj8893 Sat 18-May-13 22:13:47

Oh bless you. I would be really upset too, and f*cking angry!!!!

You certainly should talk to her about it because its really not fair and a real friend wouldn't do that.

pigletmania Sat 18-May-13 22:13:58

See how it goes for tomorrow. If she cancels than I would keep a dstance it gives out the signal that she does not value your friendship as much as others

MammaTJ Sat 18-May-13 22:15:15

I would call her on it!! Actually put under the photo 'Thought you could not afford to come out tonight'. Make her feel the shame!!

BOF Sat 18-May-13 22:16:12

Aw, no, YANBU.

puffinnuffin Sat 18-May-13 22:16:50

I have had that happen to me and it is horrible and makes you feel bad. I wouldn't bother going tomorrow.

Tommy Sat 18-May-13 22:18:00

I would be a bit hurt by this too as similar things have happened to me before. I guess you have to just suck it up and out it down to experience. I should wait until she arranges the next night out and not put yourself out.
Blimmin' FB - has a lot to answer for

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 18-May-13 22:18:27

FB is the devil.

Sorry op that sucks.

TerrysNo2 Sat 18-May-13 22:19:12

yanbu

that's just crap but before getting cross with her just ask her straight out and then decide what to do.

if she has no acceptable response then you should get rid, you deserve better

VBisme Sat 18-May-13 22:19:15

No, that's a horrible thing for someone to do.

Booyhoo Sat 18-May-13 22:21:07

i would cancel lunch tomorrow ( might not even bother telling her i was cancelling and just let her turn up tbh. i would be so pissed off) and defriend on fb. that is shitty behaviour.

lobsterkiller Sat 18-May-13 22:21:09

YANBU..if that was me i would be feeling hurt. I would speak to her about it but i would also be thinking if this person was worth my time.

Booyhoo Sat 18-May-13 22:24:46

and do not text and ask if you can join them- that would certainly be pathetic!

dont wait and see hwo tomorrow goes. why let her decide what happens? she clearly only decides what suits her so dont give her the option. if lunch tomorrow is what you wnat then do it. if not then you cancel. and you dont have to justify it. just say you dont fancy it and if she kicks off then kick off back at her.

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 22:27:23

Thanks everyone. I do see her as such a good friend and always have a really good time when I see her ..... but I guess it's obviously only I think that.

I'm really tempted to say something to her but right now I just feel too upset. But I will say something to her tomorrow. I doubt we will go out for lunch as she will probably be too hung over.

Might comment on the status and say "have a good night!" and then de-friend.

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 22:29:26

And friend has just commented on the status "via mobile" - so she has time to comment on FB but not to reply to my text.

Saddayinspring2 Sat 18-May-13 22:30:58

What does " owing money out" mean?
<thick>

lobsterkiller Sat 18-May-13 22:32:36

Do you have anything else you can do tomorrow (ie be with people worthy of your company)?

squeakytoy Sat 18-May-13 22:32:40

means that she owes money to people that she has borrowed usually

Lamour Sat 18-May-13 22:33:10

I would defriend and not reply to any further texts or calls from her.

What she has done is very hurtful and disrespectful. I think some people forget that what they put on their FB wall is actually seen by everyone on FB

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 22:33:16

Sadday she is awful with money and so a lot of the time she ends up borrowing it off friends and family and then the next month she will pay them back - owes money out.

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 22:37:01

Don't know if this is childish, but I liked the status and commented saying have a good night.

So at least she knows that I know. Lamour I think you are exactly right, people really do forget that people can see things on FB.

If she bothers to text back, even if its to say yes to lunch (unlikely) then I don't think I will even bother to reply back.

HollyBerryBush Sat 18-May-13 22:37:31

Perhaps the other friend is subbing her drinks if she cant afford it/

This sucks. I'd forget about her.

Southeastdweller Sat 18-May-13 22:40:05

After reading your first two paragraphs, I just knew the dreaded Facebook would be involved in this.

I would go for lunch with her tomorrow and ask why her plans changed and say you're hurt.

Lj8893 Sat 18-May-13 22:40:09

Fiction, that's exactly what I would have done!!

Saddayinspring2 Sat 18-May-13 22:46:27

Have you arranged a venue and time for tomorrow? If not wait and see if she texts back, if she doesn't de friend her.

If all arranged go along and say how come she let you down yet went out on a different night out without you? That if she doesn't want to do something with you then just to be straightforward about it and not make up excuses that don't make sense.

Jestrin Sat 18-May-13 22:50:15

I wouldn't have put 'have a good night' because she might read that as you aren't too bothered about her letting you down to go out with someone else. I also wouldn't want to meet up the next day tbh

StuntGirl Sat 18-May-13 22:50:22

Before you go defriending her find out if her other friends are paying for her to go out. In my skint student days I had a friend who was very well off who would frequently pay for us to both go out, so even though I genuinely had no money I had lots of nights out I otherwise couldn't afford!

PavlovtheCat Sat 18-May-13 22:52:39

I wouldnt have said 'have a good night' I would have said 'WTAF?! Did you mean to be so rude?' or something similar.

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 22:53:35

Well she commented back saying, thanks, don't think I'm in town tonight I'm just having a couple. Are we still on for lunch tomorrow?

.... Childish if I don't respond? Kind of feel like she should get a taste for how it feels. Or am I just spiting myself?

PavlovtheCat Sat 18-May-13 22:55:02

'have a good night' is very passive aggressive. just say it how it is. 'huh? what's going on?'

And I would not pay for lunch tomorrow, just to find out her reasoning. I would tell her I didn't want to go anymore.

Lamour Sat 18-May-13 22:55:57

I would text her and tell her that you don't want to meet for lunch tomorrow and you're not happy about her lying to you

PavlovtheCat Sat 18-May-13 22:55:58

I would not respond until tomorrow. I would wait til the last minute, and then say 'oh sorry didn't see this until now, sorry, I'm not coming'.

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 22:58:34

'have a good night' is very passive aggressive

Yeah you're probably right. I don't know .... I probably shouldn't have put that, I just wanted her to know that I'd seen it and that I knew she'd lied to me. Childish really I guess.

Booyhoo Sat 18-May-13 23:02:20

see, 'have a good night' has back fired as she thinks you were actually wishing her a good night.

what do you want to do about lunch tomorrow?(not what you think you should do to play teh game right)

MonstersInception Sat 18-May-13 23:02:44

A couple of drinks sounds like a night out...? Or surely lunch isn't far from the cost of a night out? (If it was two courses and wine or something, obviously, not a sandwich/ coffee thing)

She seems to be sending mixed signals somewhere - either she has the money to socialise, or she doesn't.

Lj8893 Sat 18-May-13 23:04:05

I would put back something like "well, would have been nice if you could have "had a couple" with me tonight as was originally planned. Not sure about lunch now, I might see if I get a better offer first"

But then I'm in a very childish mood! Lol!

PavlovtheCat Sat 18-May-13 23:04:53

oh I'm not dissing you for being passive aggressive, I do understand that it's a horrid situation, I just mean, say it right, be angry. That's ok you know. She has acted badly.

PavlovtheCat Sat 18-May-13 23:06:10

She has gone out for 'a couple of drinks' and then lunch tomorrow - surely that equals the same as a night out with you in monetary terms? She's having a laugh.

PavlovtheCat Sat 18-May-13 23:06:54

lj that's not childish! That's stating a fact. But, I would ring her up and say it! That'll make her squirm.

Booyhoo Sat 18-May-13 23:10:22

and she knows she has acted badly. that's why she has felt the need to say "dont think i'm in town tonight, i'm just having a couple"

and also she is seeking your reasurance that you aren't angry with her (as she knows you would be right to be) by asking if you are still having lunch tomorrow. why would she be asking that since you had already texted asking that earlier. surely a person who was confident they had done no wrong (or unaware they had) would say "btw still on for lunch. see you tomorrow"

defineme Sat 18-May-13 23:12:20

Just be straight forward-90% of the suggestions here are really immature.

I'd go to lunch and say how hurt I'd felt.

Tbh you might be overthinking it.

If she's flaky/borrows money then she's absolutely the type to say she can't come out, but then be persuaded by a friend to sod it and go out.

If you enjoy her friendship, she turns up for lunch and says sorry when you explain she hurt your feelings, then what's the harm in remaining friends?

Not turning up/bitchy comments is not cool-immature and tragic.

manticlimactic Sat 18-May-13 23:13:26

I'd have been a bit more forthright on the status. People like this don't think of others and would have taken your have a good night as just that. I'd have said cheers for cancelling our night.

WRT lunch tomorrow I'd be tempted to say 'No, a bit skint' and then find another friend and have lunch and tag yourself whilst having said lunch. Childish AND PA all in one grin

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 23:14:50

No I know you weren't PavlovtheCat smile ... I just overly worry sometimes about how I come across, when sometimes (in this situation) I really shouldn't care less how I come across.

MacAndCheese Sat 18-May-13 23:16:06

Fiction it's horrible when that happens, I had a similar situation a few weeks ago. YANBU or pathetic.

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 23:17:26

Well after a photo being uploaded by their mutual friend, I very much get the impression that I got dropped because she got a better offer.

Time to log out of FB I think.

FictionPulp Sat 18-May-13 23:18:01

Thanks Mac sorry this happened to you too, it really is a shit feeling.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 18-May-13 23:21:44

I agree with defineme go and TALK TO HER instead of speculating and leaving PA messages on her FB. There might be an innocent explanation, or she might be a dick, either way at least you'll know for sure.

candyandyoga Sat 18-May-13 23:22:05

You should've honest. Send her a text and tell her how offended you are by her actions. Tell her!

MacAndCheese Sat 18-May-13 23:23:26

Thanks fiction it's strange finding someone else who's had the same thing happen - wonders of the Internet!

I don't know, I'm a big believer of the cliché that is karma. I'm aware that it's sad, you don't need to tell me wink

Dorange Sat 18-May-13 23:23:40

I agree with manticlimatic
say no to lunch as you have no money
go out to lunch with another friend
make sure you tag yourself having lunch and a good time with the other friend...and explain the whole situation to the other friend so she won't feel used if she finds out the whole thing

MacAndCheese Sat 18-May-13 23:24:21

And you will feel better for knowing what actually happened. smile

flanbase Sat 18-May-13 23:27:21

yanbu - It depends how good a friend she is to you. If she's a close friend the I'd say talk to her on this.

Dorange Sat 18-May-13 23:28:12

is her friends settings private? I would love to snoop a bit...

Booyhoo Sat 18-May-13 23:32:15

hmm

CocacolaMum Sat 18-May-13 23:44:34

don't bother playing her game - shes a prick and doesn't deserve your friendship de-friend in fb and rl

Snazzywaitingforsummer Sat 18-May-13 23:54:58

I would reply with 'I'm not up for lunch tomorrow now I'm afraid. We'll have to rearrange'. And I would then leave it completely alone and not suggest going out to her again. If she comes to you and asks, you can see how you feel. I wouldn't get into a row about it but I would not put myself out anymore for someone who had ditched me for a better offer. Actions speak as loud as words and she will get the message. She knows from her reply that you know and is trying to a) play down the night out and b) belatedly compensate by agreeing to lunch.

Loulybelle Sun 19-May-13 00:03:17

I'd be honest, if one of my friends did that to me, i'd have no qualms in telling her what for.

parachutesarefab Sun 19-May-13 00:46:51

Not unreasonable, and not pathetic.

I think it was a dignified comment on fb - let her know you'd seen, but with a comment no-one else would take any notice of. (You could easily, and understandably, have written something that came across as needy, pathetic, or bitchy.)

(She could have genuinely forgotten until you reminded her, realised she'd double booked, and - rather than being honest - gave you a false excuse and rearranged. She shouldn't have done, but you may be the easier-to-rearrange friend, rather than the worse-offer friend.)

I'd text her "I don't like being dumped for a better offer, and being lied to. Don't really feel like lunch today." Her move.

BigBlockSingsong Sun 19-May-13 09:17:14

I have been here OP, I think everyone has 'that friend' , I think telling her how you feel is a good idea.

Talk to her about it at first are you sure the photo was of Saturday night even?

MusicalEndorphins Sun 19-May-13 09:31:18

Her friend may be treating her?

AaDB Sun 19-May-13 09:33:11

I'd text what para said. You need to be direct.

Go out with other friends today or have them over.

greenformica Sun 19-May-13 12:13:27

Arrange to go out with other friends. Text and cancel lunch with her, give no reasons.

livinginwonderland Sun 19-May-13 14:21:36

I'm afraid I would be childish and go out with other people and tag them. She needs a taste of her own medicine. Include photos of you and said friends looking happy!

PavlovtheCat Sun 19-May-13 16:01:27

Did you go for lunch in the end fiction? Did you have any kind of convo about how insensitive and rude she was? Did you tell her to go and do one as a friend? grin hope you are ok today.

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged Sun 19-May-13 16:09:06

Ooh I want to know what happened. It sounds like the 'friend' knows she is in the wrong.

BriansBrain Sun 19-May-13 16:19:05

Did you go for lunch in the end?

CrapBag Sun 19-May-13 16:25:38

YANBU OP, what a shitty thing to do. I would have had to put "I thought you didn't have any money to go out tonight?"

I deleted shitty FB because of this crap.

I had made arrangements with my DBro before to go out for a meal with me, DH, him and his DF and then see a film after. The week before she put on FB about how the film was brilliant. I put "I thought we were seeing that when we go out next week?" she just deleted the comment. The meal never happened either. Dbro texted just before to say his DF wasn't feeling well and couldn't go out. Luckily my suspicions of her were correct, she ran the show and DBro couldn't do anything without her say so and he got rid before they got married thankfully, then admitted what many of us suspected, he couldn't fart without her wanting to know about it.

I also tried 'I'll play you at your own game thing' with a friend of mine who was always shit about replying to texts and has got progressively worse because she is oh so busy all the time. I stopped replying straight away like I always do. She noticed and commented and I said I am not being to available all the time and replying instantly, she knows it drives me mad that she doesn't reply and I was hoping it buck her up a bit. It hasn't made any difference. She is still shit at it. When I do reply on the rare occasion she bothers to text, she still doesn't reply back to me half the time. I do think "why bother" tbh.

Hope you didn't bother to go out with her today OP.

valiumredhead Sun 19-May-13 17:56:18

Something similar upset me too and I ended up deleting my FB account and am much happier for it. I wouldn't have known had it not been for FB and I would have been none the wiser.

digerd Sun 19-May-13 18:25:39

Actions speak*louder*than words. Words can be just for show and not meant.

digerd Sun 19-May-13 18:26:30

louder

Saddayinspring2 Sun 19-May-13 21:19:51

Rereading the OP sounds like she totally forgot, in the meantime arranged something else (? other friends birthday ) but didn't like to say so ...?

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