This is neglect isn't it?

(51 Posts)
donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:00:16

Posting here because of the high traffic.

I'm friends with a girl i have known since we were kids. She's neglecting her children terribly and i have spoken to her, helped her out etc.. but it's too much for me.

She's living in a 2 bed house with tiny garden with her partner and 5 children. She has 2 dogs, 3 cats, 3 big fish tanks, rabbits, guinea pigs, lizards..the list of pets goes on. Her house is tiny and she can barely fit anything in it never mind more bloody animals.

Both her and her partner sign on, he works on the sly. The kids are never washed, their clothes are rotten and holed. The kids are always ill with asthma, eczema, or any illness.

I always thought she was depressed and just couldn't cope until her 12 year old told me her partner was smoking weed in the house!! Right in front of the bloody babies! One is only 4 months old and he answered the door to me with fag in his mouth just the other day. This child is now on a nebuliser for some other illness.

Her house is something else, it's like something off how clean is your house. She doesn't care either, neither do her parents. They say they're happy and that's all that matters. Fair enough but she has registered the children as living with her mother so the doctor doesn't see the state they are living in.

Her partner spends £100 a week just on weed. Money that could feed and clothe those poor kids.

I don't know what to do, theirs only so many times i can clean her house and help her. What should i do?

brainonastick Sat 18-May-13 13:04:54

Why don't you talk it through with the nspcc, they could give you a steer on whether to involve social services or not?

AgentZigzag Sat 18-May-13 13:05:22

It sounds awful.

What's happened to make you want to report it now if it's been going on for so long?

How have you managed to square in your mind seeing children living in shit with rotting clothes and not doing anything until now?

lizabeth0607 Sat 18-May-13 13:06:28

What a horrible situation, I really feel for you. Those poor children and animals. I would sit down with her one last time and explain how you are trying to help her, be understanding but firm, she needs to be told. If she still doesn't clean her act up I would contact social services, the children's health and safety is more important than anything else. What a horrible situation sad

littlewhitebag Sat 18-May-13 13:09:12

As a SW i would say that you need to pass this on to social services. They will visit and determine if the family need support in making things better for the children. Some people just stick their heads in the sand and need a massive wake up call to make positive changes. You can tell your friend or not. Either way - report it.

StealthOfficialCrispTester Sat 18-May-13 13:09:21

Yes, why only now?
and btw both parents are neglecting the children. Most families with depressed mothers have clean, well cared for children.

donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:10:07

It sounds like i'm slagging her off and wearing my judgy pants but i'm not. I really care about what happens to those kids.

Social services have been called once before and the place was scrubbed clean before they arrived. They sent her a letter letting her know they were coming for a visit! Why would they do that?

I'm so frustrated with her, i could just shake her and her partner.

sad Those poor dcs. Report and now.

littlewhitebag Sat 18-May-13 13:11:30

Tell SW this when you phone. We do unannounced visits to referrals like this.

LuckyLuckyMe Sat 18-May-13 13:11:51

It is neglect. Most depressed women have some semblance of a clean house and clean, well-fed DC.
Is this how your friend and partner were raised? They may actually not see a problem.

FarBetterNow Sat 18-May-13 13:11:53

Do they not have visits from the Health Visitor?

donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:13:08

Stealth, me and my other mates didn't realize just how bad the situation was. We'd pop in from time to time and clean for her and just generally help out.

What made me really sit up is the weed being smoked in the home. The 12 year old came and spoke to us all and let us know how bad in had become.

I have told both parents, shouted screamed! Who do you think called ss? me.

ParadiseChick Sat 18-May-13 13:13:28

Tell someone in a position to decide whether or not it is neglect.

donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:14:11

Far, they go to the nans house which is just across the road when the hv visits. Same with the doctor.

donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:15:02

Right i'm going to phone ss again. This can't go on, i can't sleep with worry about those kids.

donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:16:14

I should point out that the partner is father to only one of the kids and he doesn't give a crap about the rest of them.

Good phone now. They should have an emergency number? Tell them about the big clean up they do if they find out SS are coming.

rabbitlady Sat 18-May-13 13:17:44

how do you know how much he spends on drugs?
anyway, report again, for your own peace of mind. maybe they have been round and think all is well.

rabbitlady she's his dealer grin

Sorry lame joke wink

donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:20:25

The daughter told me he was smoking weed in the house, i went round and confronted the partner. My mate said he had got the habit down from £150 a week to £100 so they had more money for bills and the like hmm

Apparently because he doesn't drink this is ok ff.

brainonastick Sat 18-May-13 13:21:37

The 12 year old is asking for help, you must call social services.

TheCrackFox Sat 18-May-13 13:21:40

Phone SS but make sure you mention that they deep cleaned prior to the last visit.

SS might give them the kick up the arse they need but they can also offer support as well.

Buzzardbird Sat 18-May-13 13:25:36

Juniper, norty! grin

donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:31:22

On the phone to them now.

AmberLeaf Sat 18-May-13 13:31:50

She has registered the children as living with her mother?

So presumably her mother would be in receipt of the child benefit etc?

So they don't officially live with her?

donkeyfoot Sat 18-May-13 13:33:59

Have no idea on that side Amber.

The children live with my friend and her partner.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 13:34:16


Hopefully the 12 year old will be brave enough to be honest with SS

Sarahplane Sat 18-May-13 13:35:06

definitely phone and make sure ss know to do an unplanned visit.

AmberLeaf Sat 18-May-13 13:48:21

How odd.

You said she is on benefits, so as the children don't officially live with her, she wouldn't be eligible for some of them, child benefit/child tax credit/portion of housing benefit etc.

If all the children were officially living with her, she would be eligible for a bigger home too, instead of being cooped up in a 2 bed.

phantomnamechanger Sat 18-May-13 15:20:43

this all sounds very wrong. How are they managing financially for him to smoke £100 of weed a week??

if the children are in the state you say (bedraggled and dirty and often ill) then surely the school/s are well aware of this family's home life? Children are remarkably straightforward in telling it how it is - they don't see their home life as being "wrong" or "abnormal" and would let things slip out in everyday convo at school. Any hints of this level of neglect, the tecahers would have HAD to act on it.
Sounds like the RSPCA ought to visit too IMO. If they cant even keep the kids clean and healthy what state are the animals in? bet they are not all up to date on their worming etc? (Again - how can they even AFFORD to keep all those animals??)

lljkk Sat 18-May-13 15:44:35

I don't think RSPCA will act just because they haven't been wormed, but filthy and underfed would make them act.

Are SS understanding about how it needs to be an unplanned visit?
There must be a hotline you could ring for the benefit fraud, too.

Why havent you just had it out with you friend? ?

lljkk Sat 18-May-13 15:59:09

I think she has, HashtagW, screamed and shouted. With no effect.

shallweshop Sat 18-May-13 15:59:37

Hashtag, if you read the post you will see that she has tried to have it out with her friend several times.

Sirzy Sat 18-May-13 16:04:15

What a horrible situation I think you are right and this is the limit of how you can help. Its good that the daughter has confided in you, perhaps you could encourage her to tell a trusted teacher at school to who can then record things and get things rolling from there side aswell.

spidersandslugs Sat 18-May-13 16:05:49

Report them to ss asap, please!

Oh sorry I must have missed that bit of op.

LeoTheLateBloomer Sat 18-May-13 16:09:11

Poor children sad

The parents must realise they're in the wrong or they wouldn't have cleaned so much last time SS came in. OP I really hope they agree to an unannounced visit. Well done for ringing them.

Oodsigma Sat 18-May-13 16:10:50

Report to RSPCA too re the animals. They may potentially be an extra observer for SS too.

Call everyone. Ss nspcc environmental health and RSPCA! Poor kids and animals sad

DontmindifIdo Sat 18-May-13 16:12:38

i think you are doing the right thing calling SS. Hope you've made it clear about the clean up before visits.

(I also think RSPCA might be interested in the animals welfare)

lunar1 Sat 18-May-13 16:16:00

Well done for ringing ss op, I think you are doing the only thing possible to help. Sounds like you have tried enough on your own before.

Finola1step Sat 18-May-13 16:24:59

You are quite right about ringing ss.

The fact that your friend has registered the children with the GP at her mum's address and the previous scrubbing of flat for ss visit is very revealing. It shows that she knows that the way in which she lives with the children is wrong and she is trying to cover it up. She knows its wrong and chooses to continue.

You have done the right thing by those children. I just hope ss actually do something.

lljkk Sat 18-May-13 17:23:30

Come back OP, tell us how you're feeling.

TigerSwallowTail Sat 18-May-13 17:36:36

Do they rent their home from the local council?

spidersandslugs Sat 18-May-13 18:01:44

Good on you op!

It's appalling that the dc's father spends 100 quid a week on his habit, yet the dc are not clothed adequately & are essentially living in poverty. So sad that this happens. Poor kids

I wondered that about the benefits and the gran? Unless she just passes it all back to the parents?

topsyandturvy Sat 18-May-13 21:50:55

Come on people!! Why would the benefits know that they are registered as living at the Grans with the gp and health visitor.

What they mean is, the whole family, mum, dad and kids, have a registered home address of "Grans" on the gp, midwife and health visitor records. So i there is ever a home visit it will be at grans house. Although this is also a bit of a red herring as if friend used to live at grans then she may prefer to keep the same gp instead of switching to a different one near her new house.

SweetSeraphim Sat 18-May-13 21:57:50

What happened donkeyfoot?

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 18-May-13 22:01:31

I would phone social services. Wouldn't have to think twice.

SweetSeraphim Sun 19-May-13 21:02:34

Did you speak to someone at SS, OP?

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