to make dh take tomorrow off work as I need a day off

(69 Posts)
ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 17:45:46

I am just exhausted and need a day in bed.

Dh won't want to take the day off he will be annoyed and say he is too busy but if I don't get a rest he is going to end up being off for a lot longer as I am absolutely shattered.

AIBU to make him take tomorrow off?

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 17:47:56

Knowing a bit of your back story, something in your household is going to have to give.sad

You're coping with way too much, and looking after too many other people's illnesses and grasping or manipulative behaviour.

Does DH actually understand the impact it has on you?

MammaTJ Thu 16-May-13 17:48:15

I don't know, not enough detail.

If your DC are school age, or he gets the weekend off to give you a break then YABU. If you have a baby and a tot and he is working all weekend, then maybe YANBU!!

More info please OP!!

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 16-May-13 17:48:27

YANBUif you really need it, and it's possible for him to do that at short notice.

MammaTJ Thu 16-May-13 17:49:00

See Parsing has info and can make a judgement.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 16-May-13 17:50:05

I think it's irrelevant how old the OPs children are - if someone is close to exhaustion then they need a break.

TidyDancer Thu 16-May-13 17:52:39

When is he next due a day off?

You can't make someone do anything really, you need to have a frank discussion if you feel you aren't coping,

Sympathy though. Tis shit to feel so tired. sad

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 17:52:54

Sorry, 4 dcs all disabled (11,6,3 and 1). Dd1 has chest inf so after sats I'm morn would be home as will 2 little ones.

Dh and I both have health issues and I am absolutely exhausted. Dh works long hours and I just cannot cope with dcs all on my own, I have a horrible sore throat and cold today and just feel rubbish also have other worrying health things going on at present and am worried out of my mind.

I just want to sleep

I don't think his work would be v impressed tbh, whatever the circumstances. Can you have a DVD and duvet day and just let everything slide a bit? Hope you feel better soon and do try to get an early night tonight.

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 17:57:11

I know time off work isn't to taken lightly, but if you don't rest you are going to be more seriously ill.

Then DH won't be able to work at all for a while.

Can you put it to him that a stitch in time saves nine? A day off now rather than more time off later?

kotinka Thu 16-May-13 17:59:32

no you're not, you wouldn't ask him unless you really needed help. sorry you're feeling rough.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:00:13

I have just got to the point where I could quite happily sleep on the pavement I'm so tired I could just drop sad have no energy left at all.

I just want 1 day where I can rest a bit. Dh works for his brother but even so I don't think he would want him taking a day off.

I'm just knackered.

If he can't take time off during the week then he has to give you a day on the weekend to catch up. Can you cope tomorrow and then spend Sat in bed.

Has your DH agreed to apply for DLA yet?

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:04:05

I can't ask really, I want to but he is off for a morning next week as I have an appt and dcs have hosp the following week (dd has pre op appt then an op on 13 june so he will be off for few days) and I have a consultant appt on 23rd and its all just got too much.

The days off he gets are for hosp appts etc so are hectic but I want a day where I can actually rest.

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 18:07:13

Can he at least do reasonable or even short hours tomorrow, so you don't have too long coping on your own?

One of these days you're going to fall asleep without being able to help it, and the DCs' blood sugar will go unmonitored.

Sorry to be so doom and gloom.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:07:27

He hasn't but I've requested a dla pack for him as quite honestly I'm virtually finished. Applied for direct payments too but have been told it takes ages to process.

I have appt to see gp about a carers assessment too. I am trying to deal with so so much and now my health is suffering, had bad news yest and have been referred for scans appts etc in the next 2 weeks as had worrying smear results and symptoms (I'd put off my smear for 5yrs as was too busy with everything sad) and I just can't do this anymore.

expatinscotland Thu 16-May-13 18:08:51

If work is so busy, he may not be able to.

MysteriousHamster Thu 16-May-13 18:09:14

It sounds like you're at breaking point sad. You need him, or SOMEONE to find a way to give you a chance to rest.

I would tell him that you are spending Saturday in bed. Don't ask him, just inform him. You really need a break.

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 18:10:02

You're waiting for him to "agree" to apply for DLA? For himself or the DC?

Just apply!

From everything you've said, waiting for DH to get real about family finances is pointless. His head is comfortably in the sand, and he'd rather the children go hungry than engage with reality.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:10:31

Weekends are always horribly busy just catching up on things and dh sometimes has to work.

He has just phoned as can't get home as he has a migraine and can't see to drive sad poor thing is just as knackered as me I think.
I'm going to have a coffee, bath dd2 and try and find some strength from somewhere as I know when he gets home he will be in a state and will have to sleep.

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 18:11:02

Oh god, just saw what you said about smear on top of everything else.

Holding your hand while you wait for that, and fingers crossed good scan results.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:11:35

For himself-dcs get dla already. Dh hate that he is unwell and rarely admits how bad he is.

AliBingo Thu 16-May-13 18:12:42

YANBU. But if your DH is anything like mine, you will have a battle on your hands to get him to take the day off - I sympathise!

What can you do make life as bearable as possible
- Pizza and/or takeaways for dinner
- Don't do any job that isn't absolutely essential e.g. if you usually strip the beds on the weekend, don't: a couple more days won't matter
- As soon as the children are in bed go to bed yourself.
- Use CBeebies as your babysitter tomorrow if you have to, one day won't hurt and sit on the sofa with them watching it.

Tell DH that you must have time over the weekend to rest.

Sorry to hear about the worrying news.

MammaTJ Thu 16-May-13 18:16:57

Cakecrumbsinmybra not really irrelevant how old the DC are. If it were me, with a 6 and 7 year old typing the OP, then giving further details, I would expect to be told to take them to school, then come home for a rest before collecting them again.

ariane5, you really do have a lot on your plate but it doesn't sound as though your DH is much better placed than you unfortunately. Try to get him to stay home tomorrow, YANBU.

In the future, have you considered some help from a Homestart volunteer?
Also, maybe offer yourself to the local college as a possible placement for their child care students. The HS volunteers can be left while you rest but the student can't but at least that is some form of support. They can do nappies while you supervise form the sofa.

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 18:17:04

So sorry you're in this state.

I know I'm talking to the wrong person here, but he HAS to start dealing with reality, not with how he'd like the world to be. You're both crumbling under the strain; you can't go on like this.

Probably this weekend you're too tired to do it, but at some point you have to sit down and make a serious assessment of where you're at, and what can be changed. That may include ditching your caring role towards your wider family, and him detaching as far as possible from parts of his.

No easy answers, I know.

Ashoething Thu 16-May-13 18:21:00

Sorry but I am with your dh-repeatedly taking days off in this economic climate is asking for trouble and by the sounds of it his family are already pissed off.

Go back to your gp or social services and demand help-refuse to take no for an answer. I know a woman whose illness was she was a lazy,manky alkie but social services would come and take her 2 youngest dcs away every day to a playgroup as she needed a breakhmm They got collected and dropped off on a mini-bus.

With your dcs genuine disabilities then you should surely be entitled to some sort of help? I am interested into why your inlaws seem to refuse to help you?-is this because they don't agree with your choice to have 4 dcs?

Ashoething Thu 16-May-13 18:23:02

Sorry-read my post back and sounded a little abrupt and nosey to boot! I hope you are able to access some help op.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:26:01

No mil does not agree with us having 4 dcs, is horrible to me and undermines me. She is a nightmare.

We had a homestart lady for 5 weeks (she came wed morns) but homestart here lost funding and shut sad

whois Thu 16-May-13 18:26:13

Fucking hell, FOUR DCs all with health problems PLUS op and dh also have health problems. That is a lot to cope with!

What's the back story to this OP? Have you all always been sick?

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:34:50

I always had health issues but never too badly affected untill last couple of years (have eds), dh very affected by it and has daily dislocations.

Dcs all have eds and other illnesses it is manic in our house I just can't keep up.

Didn't know about direct payments till last week so applied straight away but the lady at disabled childrens services said it takes weeks/months to go through but its a start.

Its only falling apart now that I'm not well. Up to now I was just about managing.not well but just about keeping my head above water.

MysteriousHamster Thu 16-May-13 18:40:41

Are you still caring for your sister too? If I remembering correctly that was very difficult and your mum and sister were somewhat taking advantage of you.

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 18:43:30

ariane, it will depend on your household income, but could you claim income-based (not contribution-based) ESA for yourself?

(You might not meet the incapacity threshold, of course, and it's even more bloody paperwork.)

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:46:52

No not caring for dsis any more. It got too much with everything and I couldn't help both her and dcs.

NatashaBee Thu 16-May-13 18:47:42

Do you think that your DH could do a different job that didn't involve a) manual work that is clearly making his issues worse and b) not working with his family? I remember your other thread and a poster further upthread is right, something has to give - otherwise you will collapse or you will be so tired that you can't monitor your DCs sugar levels closely enough. Keep on and on at the disabled children's service, doctor, health visitor, everyone and be the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. Unfortunately with such limited funding I think you really have to make a pest of yourself. Would you be able/willing to get any kind of respite care for any of the children? I know funding for that has also been cut recently.

whois Thu 16-May-13 19:01:14

I always had health issues but never too badly affected untill last couple of years (have eds), dh very affected by it and has daily dislocations

Oh I remember some of your other posts now now. I hadn't heard of EDS before that actually. Can't believe you are coping as well as you are!

There must be some kind of support out there? Suppose it takes a lot of time and energy to find out about it and fight to get it tho.

Hope things improve.

Ashoething Thu 16-May-13 19:05:38

Is your mil's issue that you knowingly had 4 dcs with a health condition or is it just the fact that you have 4 dcs period? I know about families being disapproving of having more dcs! Either way-she is not being helpful and is only making a bad situation worse.

You sometimes have to make a fuss to get what you need-cry,scream,beg at your doctors-do anything to try and get some help. Please don't put your dhs job on the line though-with benefit cuts going the way they are you might really regret that.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 19:08:11

I think the direct payments will help when we get them as can pay for a carer to come and help sometimes.

I have so much going on with this latest problem (abnormal smear) andin the next week and a half have us scan blood tests consultant appt etc and its just more appts I didn't need, there is just too much to juggle. Add to that that I'm scared and feel like shit and things have got 100 times worse in the last 48 hours.

I have to keep going for dcs but iam really so exhausted.

ariane5 Don't suppose you live near Cambridge - I would willingly come and give you a days help.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 19:10:42

Mil issue is just everything ! She doesn't like me at all.

We didn't know with first 2 that it would be genetic (well were told 5050 with ds1 before they realised it was from BOTH of us) but we knew with younger 2.

Tbh the diabetes causes more problems than the EDS at the moment and that wasn't genetic just bad luck although mil blames all dcs illnesses on me apparently "giving them too much calpol/nurofen"

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 19:12:06

Married-sadly no, we are in Harrow nw london but thankyou for the kind offer.

I have EDS and so does my DS. DD doesn't seem to and DP does not.

I don't know how on earth you are coping,I'm utterly exhausted all of the time I dont think I'd cope with the extra 3 ill DC and ill DP.

I have,in the past,begged DP to take a day off work because I needed a day off sick,he wouldn't at first,but once he saw how close I was to breaking point he agreed.
That day made such a difference. You really need it.
Please,please sit down with him and tell him how desperate you are.

flowers and brew for you. You are a superhero.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 19:18:04

We are not coping really sad we are muddling along and getting more and more dragged down by it all daily.

We feel ill, dcs feel ill, house a tip and too many appts to go to.

I am drinking lots of coffee, trying somehow to find the strength to get through rest of day with dh now in bed with a severe migraine and ds2 crying and wanting to be carried and he wriggles and hurts my arms/neck.

I'm desperate for a hot bath and a hairwash and a long sleep.

xigris Thu 16-May-13 19:29:18

Oh God, Ariane, you are a superhero dealing with all of that! You have my respect. I wish you were nearer to me sad. Surely there has to be some form of practical support out there that you could access? I don't know all your story so please forgive me if you've already tried this or if I sound patronising; is there a EDS charity / foundation that could help? Any local Churches etc? I know that our local CofE and Baptist Churches do tons for the community. Could your HV not organise some sort of emergency support? If I was nearer then I'd come although my 3 year old is a crazy hooligan who may not be particularly helpful

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 20:04:00

As far as I can see my best bet for additional help is with the direct payments so I'm hoping it gets organised quickly.

The homestart lady was wonderful I was so upset we only saw her for five weeks before they shut as dd2 adored her and I really appreiciated her help, she seemed to know just how to help, would make cups of tea, help get dcs ready etc.

ParsingFancy Fri 17-May-13 13:20:19

Thinking about you today, ariane. Sorry it's just internet vibes, not something more useful.

Second xigris's suggestion of asking HV and, well, anyone you can think of.

KingRollo Fri 17-May-13 13:22:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ariane5 Fri 17-May-13 13:31:39

Dh couldn't take today off, I begged him but he had to get two jobs done and sent out so he had to go insad

All evening he was unwell with a migraine and then he stayed up till 2am doing the washing/drying/folding poor thing. I was up most of night unwell (awful sore throat etc) and ds2 was up with the same. Dh woke with another migraine but had a breakfast of nurofen, paracetamol and coffee then went to work once his vision had cleared.

I am having a tough day, have 3 of 4 dcs at home (dd1 11 not well either today) so I am busy but am drinking lots of hot tea which is helping.

ParsingFancy Fri 17-May-13 13:34:39

<mops ariane's brow>

MammaTJ Fri 17-May-13 13:35:10

Aw, poor you!!

Nice that your DH stayed up and did the laundry though. That is something.

Is he coming home early?

Such a shame homestart had to close. We still have it here. They really do seem to know what is needed don't they? They helped me so much when I was struggling.

ariane5 Fri 17-May-13 13:46:24

Thankyou parsing

Dh will not be home early, he will be there probably till 6pm as has so much to get done. He was lovely yesterday doing the clothes as we had nothing left in drawers and just a massive pile of washing. I can't fault him he tries his best and he does work very hard.

I am really sad about homestart it was such a huge help even for a few weeks I really looked forward to that one morning a week. The council have made cutbacks to everything round here though, even our taxicard trips that I rely on for hosp appts when dh working have been halved so everything is suffering sad

xigris Fri 17-May-13 14:21:10

Ariane regarding the taxicard business can you not speak to your rheumatologist (I presume you're under one because of the EDS?) or the DCs paediatrician? I really would think you'd be eligible for hospital transport in this situation. The trouble is, that with all the cuts in the NHS (cheers Dave and co), authorisation for transport often requires confirmation from the medical team hmm.

Sending you a virtual foot rub to accompany brow-mopping

ariane5 Fri 17-May-13 15:00:19

I will try but it might be the same situation as school transport (we got turned down). I do rely heavily on taxicard as I can get all 4 dcs in a black cab easily as ds2 stays in the buggy whereas in a normal cab I would need car seats which I then can't carry once I get to appt. Its a complete nightmare!

On a positive note (and very surprisingly) I have had a visitor this aft-dsis (anybody who has read my other threads will know what a difficult relationship we have) who came to 'help' me as dm had told her I wasn't well, she has even gone to pick up ds1 from school for me as ds2 has a temp and dd1 is in bed really unwell.perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel.

cestlavielife Fri 17-May-13 16:41:59

SS can out in place emergency care eg using an agency do you have coss roads locally? contact carers uk.

work out what it is you need how many hour s per day etc and ask GP to support you in asking for practical help

you might need togo down route of asking SS to provide emergency foster care for your DC so you can sleep for them to realise how bad it is ...

cestlavielife Fri 17-May-13 16:42:50
LaGuardia Fri 17-May-13 18:20:55

OP, what happens when you are exhausted next week? And the week after that? Your poor DH is working to support you and four children. I bet he could do with a day in bed too. YABU.

Fuck off LaGuardia do you have any experience of what the OP is going though?
She's ill herself,and caring for 4 DC with extra needs,plus trying to support her DH who is also ill.
These are chronic illnesses,they aren't going to disappear but it's hardly fair to say she can never have a day off because she can't have one every week.

ariane5 Fri 17-May-13 20:14:01

LaGuardia-are you my MIL? You sound just like her.

For what its worth dh will be getting a rest, a 10 day holiday in august. He has said no every other year (fishing holiday camping in france with his db and uncle) but his knees and shoulders are getting so bad and dislocating so much that if he doesn't go this year he will not be up to travelling/camping/fishing the following year and he Is desperate to go.

ParsingFancy Fri 17-May-13 20:33:25

Don't think LaGuardia has read the thread.

arethereanyleftatall Fri 17-May-13 21:48:01

Goodness you poor thing. I have nothing useful to contribute but didn't want to read the thread, feel for you, and then leave without sending massive hugs your way. You are fab and I hope life gets easier for your family soon x

ClocksInALine Sat 18-May-13 08:26:01

How are you today?

GinOnTwoWheels Sat 18-May-13 14:12:49

Sorry that you are having such a hard time OP. I may be off the mark here, but does your DH work for the family business, or is he a director/shareholder.

If he is an employee, surely he should be entitled to 28 days annual leave per year plus bank holidays and it would make sense for him to take some of these off to make all your lives easier so you can sleep/look after your DCs needs/rest at home together etc.

If he is not getting his holiday rights/is being taken advantage of by his family, would he be able to get a job elsewhere (or at least threaten to leave in order to achieve a better work/life balance).

One would have thought that working for family might make it easier to accomodate your families health problems, but sadly that does not appear to be the case sad.

ParsingFancy Sat 18-May-13 14:18:02

Gin I wondered that as well. It's a bit of a cliche that families take advantage at work, but can go either way.sad

I do hope in MrAriane's case it's a positive association...

ariane5 Sat 18-May-13 20:17:30

Yes it is bil business and he really does take the piss.when dd2 was in hosp in jan dh had 5 weeks off with no pay.
Dd2 due an op soon and dh said when he's off he again won't be paid as "its a new business and db will need to use my wages to pay somebody else to come in and do my job for that week".

Today dh had to work to make up for the fact he will be off tues morn as I have an appt at hospital. All he says to me is how its a new business with no money behind it so sick pay/paid time off isn't an option.

He is in a bit of a. Corner as anywhere else would object to him being off for all dcs appts so he sort of has to continue working with such rubbish conditions.

I had a rubbish day, I'm exhausted, have a cold and am worried about the next week and all the scans etc I have to have and blood tests. So so fed up. When dh got in I handed him the baby and just went for a bath I was so fed up.

I'm just hoping I get good news next week. I don't need anything else to go wrong sad

ParsingFancy Sat 18-May-13 20:47:04


BIL is in breach of the law for not paying Statutory Sick Pay. What's more, though I don't know the details, BIL can claim some (all?) of the SSP back from HMRC.

Statutory Sick Pay

ParsingFancy Sat 18-May-13 20:49:34

Have fingers crossed for you for next week, ariane...

ariane5 Sat 18-May-13 20:55:33

Would it have applied though as it was dd2 unwell not dh?

Also as dcs get dla does that not mean he would be allowed time off for their appts paid or am I wrong there?
Not that he would do it all he goes on about is "db new business, I have to make it as easy as I can for him".

ParsingFancy Sat 18-May-13 22:02:57

Oh, misread that. Apologies, you're right about SSP as it was DD who was ill not DH.

No idea bout the DLA thing, I'm afraid.

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