To want to go to my Sisters' party?(80 Posts)
This might be a bit long so I apologise in advance.
Two of my sisters have big birthdays coming up. They will be 21 and 30. So they are having a joint party to celebrate.
My family live 100 miles away from me, so I don't see them that often. In fact the last time I was with my mum and all my sisters at the same time was about 3 years ago.
The problem is that DP's DF died last year and the party will be at around the time of his birthday and death. It would have been his birthday at the beginning of July and the anniversary of his death is towards the end of August. This party is happening at the end of July. So somewhere in the middle. (The party was booked before he died.)
I know this is going to be a very sad and difficult time for DP (as it will be for me too, but obviously not on the same level) and I want to be there to support him. But I also miss my own family and would like to celebrate a big occasion for both of my sisters.
I would love DP to come as well but I have never put any pressure on him to do so. Last night I was talking to my Mum and the party was mentioned. DP went in a massive strop with me and said he won't be going. And if I insist on going and blowing money on it then he is going to blow money and take himself to Europe for the weekend and celebrate his DF's life that way. He didn't talk to me all night and barely said goodbye this morning when he left for work.
I really don't know what to do for the best. What do you think, am I being completely selfish and should I not go to the party?
I welcome all your opinions but please don't flame me.
Your dh sounds horrible, sorry.
I would want to go to the party too, your dh's reaction to you is over the top and selfish.
I can understand he's still mourning the loss of his Dad but life does go on and he shouldn't be attempting to emotionally blackmail you to do as he is doing with the threat of going to Europe and ignoring you.
Was he a sulker before his Dad passed away?
I'm sorry, but life goes on.
My mum died in May last year, I'd still go to a family party.
What are we supposed to do, sit at home mourning.
Your dp is being pathetic.
Your DP is an arse. Sorry, but he is. You know it, we know it, he just needs to cop onto himself.
It's my Mum's 10th anniversary next week and we're having a big get-together for it. If my DH had a similar double-booking, I'd wave him off and hope he had a good time at his do.
Sugarice he has always been a bit of a sulker, but nothing like this. It wouldn't last long and he would always apologise and say he was wrong.
I can understand your dp is grieving but he is UR. My nan died on a Friday night, on the Saturday night we attended a reception for a close friend's wedding (this included my mum, whose mum it was that had died). If it as on the actually anniversary of his day's death I could maybe see it a little more from his point of view, but in effect he is writing of virtually 2 months due to 2 separate anniversaries. Yanbu to want to go to this party and you should go.
Your DH sounds quite awful, controlling and childish. You sound lovely OP but what exactly does he do for you? Do you think he might be isolating you from your family?
Sorry but your DH is being a selfish ass. My DM passed away and as awful as it is, life goes on. You have to live in the present and get on with it. I would never expect someone to put anything on hold for it a year later
Your family are alive and well. Dont waste an opportunity to spend time with them (the living).
Your DH's reaction is unfair. Throwing a strop and sulking is such a childish reaction. Does he always react like that? I can understand he's grieving and you want to support him but his reaction is selfish.
Why can't he celebrate his fathers life with you and his in laws. I don't get this his/her family thing. When you are married its all one family isn't it?
For me if my dh acted like this I would question his emotional maturity.
My dh has lost both of his parents and wouldn't act like this.
Sorry again he's an arse.
That smiley face was not supposed to be smiley. It was supposed to be a
Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think there has to be a whole lot more to this than meets the eye.
The party is a month out from the anniversary. A month...! Why on earth should he have dibs on you a month away from the anniversary?
Is he normally this
I would stand my ground and tell him you're still going.
Ignore the sulking.
Your partner is behaving like an arse.
Go and see your family.
Sorry OP, you are getting a bit of a vicarious flaming - but it's all for your DP, rather than you.
He's a big baby. Go to the party and enjoy yourself.
Your DP is being over the top about this. I'd understand him being upset if your family party was on the same weekend as either his DF's birthday or anniversary but there is plenty of time between the dates. Does he expect to spend the months of July and August in mourning with you?
Perhaps you could ask him what he would like to do on the anniversaries and have a chat with him (once he's stopped sulking) about how important this family gathering is for you. It might also be worth letting him know that by coming with you he'd feel closer to, and more supported by, your family as he'd get to know them better.
YANBU and your DP is completely out of order. Go to the party and enjoy it. He should be going with you aswell
He's being a complete arse.
I'm sorry but he's being utterly ridiculous and extremely childish by threatening to go to effing Europe in some sort of tit-for-tat payback for you going to a family party in the UK. And say this is because his dad died and he wants to celebrate his life. Bollocks.
My dad died some years ago and I don't need to wait for the anniversary of his death, or what would have been his birthday, to remember him. I certainly don't decree that life should stop for me or anyone else during what amounts - in your case - to a two month period each year - all July and August.
I might be more sympathetic if the party was on the 1st anniversary of his death and he was worried about how he'd cope on that particular day but it isn't - it's a month earlier FFS and you're not showing him, or his father, any disrespect by attending. Unless he was a very unreasonable man I'm sure his father wouldn't be in the slightest bit offended if his son - your DH - attended as well.
I think he's using the co-incidence (and that's stretching it somewhat) of "the dates" clashing (which they're not) to go off and do something selfish for himself and I don't think his dad has anything to do with it. Has he been hankering after "him time" perhaps ? Have you had to watch the £££s lately and he's fed up about it ? By making a connection between his dad and this trip to Europe I think he thinks he'll get off the hook so to speak for blowing money (you haven't got ?) as you'll be too scared to object what with it being "for his dad" and all that .
He's not normally bossy or controlling. But then again I don't really do much for him to get controlling about!
I wouldn't say he was trying to isolate me. We do go to see my DM and DSF every few months and vice versa. He tells me he really likes them and I believe that's the truth.
You DP is being very U and a bit odd. (And that's being charitable)
I'd tell him that his suggestion is a good idea and that, of course, it would be good for him to celebrate his DF by travelling to Euroupe.
Let him go and then you can visit your family in peace and really enjoy yourself. He clearly doesn't want to go with you.
Book both of your trips nice and early and keep the costs down.
Oh, it hardly needs saying but YANBU
Surely because of what has happened in his family with his df, he should realise more than ever how important family are and be encouraging you to spend time with yours?
That's what I would be doing it I was in the situation of your dp. And when you do speak to him perhaps you could say something like "with the death of your df it has made me realise how important family really are and I think its really important for me to spend time with my family on this special occasion, I don't want to regret it when it's too late"
I understand how he is feeling but he is acting like he is the only person in the world to have suffered a bereavement, which he isn't.
He should understand after his Dad dying just how important family are and that you want to see them to celebrate a special time.
He is way out of order, someone dying doesnt give you a right to do anything you want
I think your DP is being selfish, sorry. You should be celebrating time with the living as you never know what is round the corner and you can do that without compromsing the memory of the dead.
Yes catsmother we have had to watch the £££'s recently and I think that might be affecting him. As he is the sole earner. But, like you say, what I'd spend going to the party is nothing compared to what he'd spend going to Europe. I mean it'd be around £40 for fuel, then drinks and as I won't be drinking alcohol (DS will be with me) I can't see that amounting to much.
So what are you going to do?
I have lost a parent. My mum. We were close and I was devastated and very sad and depressed after her death.
Imo your dh is being a selfish arse.
Your dh is beng very selfish. You should go to the party, life goes on I'm sure it's what his dad would have wanted.
I'd go he's just throwing his toys out of the pram.
My Dad died on my brothers birthday, none of his siblings have a problem with him celebrating his birthday.
MIL died 3 days before SIL birthday. Again it is celebrated. Life has to go on.
Let him know that you appreciate his grief at losing his Dad & would be glad to remember the anniversary with him in an appropriate way, he's obviously still grieving so be gentle with him.
My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 52. So my opinion now is that families should all get together as often as is realistically possible as none of us know how long we are here for.
Yes, it will be a difficult period for your DH but he can't put life on hold for 2 months every year.
It may be worth mentioning too, that my grief (which is ongoing) does not run to a timetable.
I am caught by odd moments that bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. It could be anything...a song, a smell, a scrap of fabric...writing this. All of those things make me feel the loss.
Anniversaries and significant dates not so much.
You don't plan to be sad do you? You don't mark it on the calendar.
Or at least, I don't.
My mum would think marking the anniversary of her death was mawkish anyway.
I feel like your dh has the right to recognise the time of year in any way he so chooses. I'm not entirely convinced it's ok to put the kybosh on your plans to prioritise it though.
Seems rather demanding to me.
He's being selfish, he should understand how important family occasions and everyone being together are. Especially if you haven't seen them all together for a while.
You should go, if anything it should make your husband realise how important it is for everyone to spend time with their families while they are still around. They live 100 miles away so it is unfair for him not to let you see them and expenses incurred should be part of your family budget as he can't expect you never to see them. Also, the party is happening at the end of July so not really that near to when he died or his birthday.
Maybe you should talk about arranging something special to commemorate the anniversary of his dad's death on the weekend nearest to when he died and get his family together either at yours or at a place that had special memories of his Dad.
My father died on my sons 8th birthday, obviously I have cancelled his birthday parties for the rest of his life.
op yanbu your dp is bein vvvu
Sorry but your husband is being selfish. What is the point of staying at home and moping? These are important milestones in your family life. It's not like you are just going away for something frivolous.
I'm another one who agrees life goes on. My dad died at xmas when I was 18 and I met my now dh shortly after. The following Xmas I spent with his family and just had a quiet moment with myself, as I do each year / birthday.
I see people on Facebook posting that today it's x years since we lost nana/dad/dog or its deceased persons birthday. To me it seems they are holding onto grief which makes it worse.
I think your dh needs to understand life goes on. Why should you miss time with your family. Surely he has realised time is precious.
Thanks everyone, it's nice to know I'm not being selfish.
So I'll go to the party. I'll try to talk it through with him and hope he sees it from my perspective. And if he strops, I'll just let him get on with it.
Wanda as it happens his DF passed 2 days before my birthday.
He cannot seriously expect you to decline any invitation or event that falls between two whole months, just because it was his fathers birthday and then the month of his death. Even if it is the first year he has been without his dad. It's not even on the actual day.
There is more to him feeling this way. Grief does funny things but his reaction is not normal. It is almost as if he is guilt tripping you and using his fathers death as an excuse to make you feel bad. Do you think it is because he cannot face a big family do because of his loss? That is still no reason for you not to go.
I could understand it if the party was on the same day as the birthday/ anniversary. But it sounds like he expects you not to do anything for the whole of July and August. Very unreasonable. As sad as it is to lose a parent, you can't expect everyone else's world to stop for 2 months a year later.
Go to the party. His father's death is still obviously affecting him in a bad way but you going to celebrate your sisters' birthdays shouldn't have any affect on him at all. It isn't as if it is on the actual dates of his dad's birthday or the day he died.
Suggest you do something together to celebrate his father's life on another day and if he is still stroppy then let him get on with it.
Sorry but he is being very controlling - he is using his father's death (and I do understand how traumatic that is) to stop you doing things, - your DSIS's party is a month away from the 'anniversary', he cannot book up every period of the year for 'no activity' because it has some association with his Dad. I mean it will be 'it's the one year two months anniversary of dad's death/funeral/birthday/wedding anniversary etc etc' next. It's neverending.
There are never ending supposed 'anniversaries' you can make something of - but actually when you lose someone, you think of them every day and little things jolt a memory and you feel sad and then you carry on. That's what grief is - intense at first then more bittersweet, and in fact the person you lose would never have wanted you to put your life constantly on hold and never do anything.
But I don't buy your DH's 'anniversary grief' - I think he doesn't want you to do things, so he's trying to guilt you out by bringing his dad's death in as a weapon. And that is a very nasty thing to do because you have no defense against it which doesn't make you look uncaring - and he knows that.
Ask him what his dad would have said - would he have said 'no parties or fun ever again if they fall in the general vicinity of when I died/my birthday etc etc' or would he have said 'get on with your lives and have fun while you can'?
My dad died just before Christmas (and in fact just before my DSIS and my birthdays) we didn't cancel Christmas that year or in subsequent years. We raise a glass to Dad over Christmas dinner, and remember him fondly. But life goes on.
We have had a family death on a family birthday. It is fine. We get together to celebrate the birthday and at some time or other we have a chat and reminisce about the person who died. It isn't an issue at all.
Your DH seems very childish and overly dramatic.
You can't celebrate your sisters big birthdays because his father died a year ago.
Yet he can feck off to Foreignland and celebrate his father's life?
Why doesn't he have an anniversary mass said on an appropriate day (not 2 month period) and go and have a couple of drinks to toast the transition of his Dad's immortal soul.
(You may want to substitute activities, churching and drinking, to something more suitable to your lifestyle and culture. Opera and golf?)
So does your DH expect the two whole months between the anniversary of his father's birth and the anniversary of his father's death to be a period of mourning the likes of which Queen Victoria would have approved? Will he be going to work wearing a black armband and refusing all invitations to socialise? Will your DC be expected to spend their summer not smiling or playing? No, thought not.
He is being incredibly unreasonable. And as has been stated, if he is so affected by losing his father, it would be more logical that he celebrated his father's life by ensuring all family ties were kept strong, i.e. encouraging you to go to this family party.
I would guess that you don't make a big thing about his sulking. I think you should consider changing that. I personally would read the riot act to him about his sulk over you wanting to see your sisters and over this manipulative threat to splash out on a Europe trip in revenge for you spending £40-50 on petrol/party. I agree with catsmother that he might be using your family party to disguise some other motive, because it's just such an extreme reaction to something which is not clashing with his father's birth or death in any way at all.
My mum died on New Year's Eve.
We still manage to celebrate New Year
I don't feel particularly sad on the anniversary of my mum's death, it's at her birthday, Christmas and mother's day that I miss her most. I generally try not to mark the anniversary of people's deaths, it shouldn't be the important bit you remember about them.
My mum died just before my daughter's birthday. We don't not celebrate that.
I think your husband is being very selfish. Celebrating the living should come first. Why can't he have a drink to his dad at your sisters' birthday party? Surely that's what his dad would have wanted, not a misery fest.
I could almost feel sympathy if he said something along the lines that witnessing your whole birth family celebrating together would merely emphasis that his own birth family is now missing a key member, and therefore he felt unable to attend this one event with good grace provided that he waved you and DS off so he could quietly contemplate his father's life at home.
That's not what he's proposing.
He's being a controlling arse.
I'm with KurriKurri on this: "But I don't buy your DH's 'anniversary grief' - I think he doesn't want you to do things, so he's trying to guilt you out by bringing his dad's death in as a weapon. And that is a very nasty thing to do because you have no defense against it which doesn't make you look uncaring - and he knows that."
The first anniversary of my mum's death is in two weeks, she died the day before her birthday.
I think of her everyday, the day will pass as does every other.
Your dh sounds very attention seeking.
Think he sounds a controlling prick tbh.
And using his fathers death to control and get his own way is disgusting.
Take the decision away from your DH. Tell him that you are going and fund this yourself. Its hardly "blowing money" if he is considering a trip to Europe which would cost hundreds of pounds.
You are only 100 miles away, depending what car you drive that's less than £15 on petrol (based on a petrol car doing less than 20mpg with fuel at £1.33 pg). Will you stop with relatives? If so then stop one night and return home the next day? If you need to stay in a hotel pre book to save money.
If you don't drive then pre book the train/bus ticket in advance to save money. (My parents recently paid £8.50 to travel from Chester to London by booking in advance.)
He is (understandably) emotional currently and probably not thinking that rationally, don't put pressure on him to go but don't let him stop you. This party isn't about his DF. Ask your husband what he wants to do to mark the anniversary, show you care about it.
As an aside 100 miles isn't that far, if you want to see your family more frequently then make it happen.
I lost my husband in march 2012. He was 50. For the anniversary I took two days off work, my daughter came home and we had a spa day. We have had my fathers 80th my sons 18th and other celebrations in that time. It is deeply sad and yes acknowledge the day but things have to move forward. My father in law died the day after our 3 rd wedding anniversary. My mother in law after about 10 years suddenly stopped sending us anniversary cards as it was "too sad" I know he wouldn't have wanted that. That always hurt me especially as she knew that my husband would die young. We missed our 25 th anniversary by 100 days. I took my friends out for it and had a lovely evening.
I do drive, it normally costs around £40 for the round trip. And I'll be staying at my DM's so no extra cost there. The only other cost will be drinks but, like I said, that shouldn't amount to much.
It's interesting to see how many of you think that he is trying to use his DF's death to control me. I had not thought about it that way.
Sounds to me like he wants to go on a jolly to Europe without you and is using his father's death as a way to get away with it.
Why not tell him that you think a family trip to Europe sounds wonderful and you can't wait and does he want you to start looking for some nice places to stay?
To be absolutely fair to your DP, it is possible that he is building himself up to the anniversary and thinks it will be something it isn't. As in, he's emotionally thinking the anniversary is a big 'event' and he is winding himself up to a fever pitch about it. Grief isn't always rational.
I still think you should go to the party though.
I lost my parents just before Christmas when I was quite young, I had a little sister so christmas still went ahead that year and every year since. I always think about them on the day, but I think about them every day. The actual day of their deaths is nothing special really, if that makes sense, I dont go and sit in a darkened room or anything, I might re-visit the day a little but I allow the day to go ahead with laughter and smiles, as my parents would have wanted.
So, I`m afraid your DH is being rather dramatic and controlling to strop over this and as I see it, unkind to try and emotionally blackmail you into not going to your Dsiss party.
My clever Mum told me many years ago that the best way to honour the dead is to live your life to the full, wise words!
Thanks Wilson. I always knew this was going to be a difficult time for him but, like others have pointed out, I didn't expect him to want to mourn for almost 2 months. I know grief isn't a rational thing and thought I might not be seeing something that he is. That's why I came he to get a third party view on the situation.
Now I have to figure out a way to get him to talk rationally to me about it.
Your DH is a bit extreme. We got married exactly a year after my MIL died, all the family came & celebrated with us. There was sadness of course, we spoke about her lots during the day & had a few drinks in her honour.
Did he actually say that he doesn't want you to go because of the anniversary of his dad's death? I'm just trying to picture someone saying "You can't possibly want to us to go to a party a month after the first anniversary of my dad's death" and it sounds weird.
It sounds like he doesn't want to go or doesn't want you to go or is worried about the money. Nothing to do with his dad's death.
Could you try and tell him gently that if his loss has taught you anything it's that life is too short, and you need to take all the opportunities you can to spend time with the people you love. That you miss your family and want to spend this time with them, because you never know what might happen before the next large family gathering. But you will understand if his grief is too recent to be allow you both to spend time with them with good grace.
Pressed send too soon...
...so you will go alone with DS.
id stay with my dh on the anniversary of his fathers death tbh, although not keen on the strop about it. I think the 1st anniversary is the hardest.
ONly read OP.
Your DH is being a twat. Of course it is sad that his father died and he has every right to remember him himself when his birthday/date of death approaches.
But to suggest that you do not celebrate your sisters' birthdays with your family a month after the birthday and a month before the death day is selfish and dog-in-the-manger-y. So that's a whole two months *and then June as the lead-up) that are out?
Are you dating a two year old? His reaction seems a bit ott.....
It's very sad that your partner's father died, and understandable that he's still grieving. However, it's really not fair of him to expect you to cut your self off from your own family for two months, a year after the death.
I would probably suggest that you do something on the weekend of his Dad's birthday at the beginning of July (e.g. a visit to DP's family , visit the grave, plant a memorial tree, go for a family meal to remember his dad) - and then you have put honouring his dad first . After that, he may be able to move on enough to visit your family.
It sounds as though you see your family seldom enough already- the loss of his father should help your DP understand how important it is to spend precious family time together while you can.
When my DF died I was very careful to not mark the date especially so that there wouldnt be an anniversary to remember and mark.
Agree that this sounds overly dramatic and rather self-centred behaviour by your DH.
I would think that if your FIL was a nice man, he would be thoroughly ashamed of the way your dp is using his death as some sort of control mechanism or weapon. Far from honouring his father's life, he is completely dishonouring it by behaving like this.
Yes Jan he did say it was because of the anniversary. IIRC it was something along the lines of "You want to go to this blah blah..... Knowing full well what happened around that time last year!"
Branleuse it's not actually on the anniversary. It's about 3 weeks before it. If it was on the actual anniversary, there wouldn't be a question.
I like your suggestions Loki and Inertia thank you.
So its not on the anniversary and he is stropping? He is being selfish and controlling, no reason at all why you both can't go!
I've lost both parents so know what it is like but he needs to get a grip.
Like others I could have more sympathy for him if he'd sadly said "you go and have a great time, I won't be feeling sociable and don't want to spoil the atmosphere so I'll stay at home give your sisters my love"
He didn't but responded aggressively and nastily with all the financial crap. That makes me think it's more about control than grief.
Is you partner a man or a child? What he is saying is pathetic. Also, how does him going to Europe for a holiday help him grieve for his father? It doesn't.
Tell him to grow some balls - if he doesn't want to go to your family party then he should tell you the truth.
Whatever, go to your family event and enjoy yourself.
He's being incredibly selfish.
We lost two of our babies within the space of eleven months. Our son was born at the end of January and our daughter in mid-December.
So there is also a space of just six weeks between our daughter's birth and death at two hours old, and the first anniversary of our son being stillborn.
And during that six week period in-between those two dates, we had Christmas, New Year and ten family birthdays including mine.
Our daughter died nine days before Christmas. We still celebrated it (after a fashion) because there are other children in the family and it wasn't all about us and our losses.
Putting so much pressure on marking anniversaries and significant events in a certain way can make you feel worse. I agree with Pictish, sometimes it's the dates that get to you and sometimes it comes out of the blue on a perfectly normal day because something unexpected just jumps out at you.
It's early days for your DH but I still think this behaviour and the way he spoke to you is selfish.
Go to the party.
By the way... My father (note the lack of darling) left to go to Europe and 'remember' his dad after his mother died. Not only did the way he acted before he left utterly destroy me emotionally, but my mum is still paying off the debt he ran up now, thirteen years on.
There is grieving, and there is being an arsehole. My father was, and is, the latter.
Go to the party, enjoy it. If it was the same weekend as the loss, then it might be difficult. But a few weeks before, he is being ridiculous.
I don't think this has anything to do with his father's death. He's just trying to engineer a situation where he can get a jolly on his own.
Using his father's death to create an argument? What a shining example of humanity you're married to...
I hope you have a lovely time at the party.
the loss of his father should surely mean that he'd want you to spend time with your family.
i've lost my father. was absolutely devastated. but by no means did i try to stop my partner seeing his family. why would i?
sorry lara, he's being totally unreasonable, and unsupportive of you!
So the whole of July and August are out then? He's being daft. I'm sorry for his loss but honestly that's just petty to threaten you with going off on his own if he doesn't get his own way.
I think he has wanted to do the Europe thing and this has provided him with the leverage - otherwise his response makes no sense - it is not on any special date, it isn't going to cost a lot and it is a special event. b
he should be thinking about how he/you would feel if you did not go, and it turned out to be the last time you could all get together. never miss an opportunity, you never know when it is the last time. (my dad died suddenly last year. )
Fuck him off and toss him a black armband as you walk out the door to go to the party.
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