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to resent my partner buying a new PS3, when I can't afford ante natal classes

(202 Posts)
Jadems Wed 15-May-13 18:25:20

Want to throttle my partner at the moment. Just found out that he's bought a new PS3 (replacing the somehow broken current one), with a plan not to tell me. The plan is to 'switch' over the two, so I won't notice.

Wouldn't normally mind. But. We're really short of money at the moment. Keep being told that we need to cut back. I'm not working, we're paying out a huge CSA bill due to assessment of gross not net income, due to have to pay out a huge tax bill due to tax mix up, paying for a barrister for DP's residency issues with his ex- wife and our first baby is due in late July. I'm not able to afford maternity clothes (currently wearing a size 6 skirt that won't zip up fully any more), and just had to cancel my place on the NCT ante natal course because of lack of funds.

AIBU to want to kill him. I know it's 'his' money as he earns it, but to expect me to have to wing pushing a person out of my vagina when we can't afford ante natal care whilst he can afford 'boys toys' - this is really pushing ALL my buttons.

Undertone Wed 15-May-13 18:26:23

Of course YANBU. What a dick. He needs to take it back for a refund.

PicaK Wed 15-May-13 18:27:57

NCT usually offer vastly reduced fees if you're not working - have you told them?

CloudsAndTrees Wed 15-May-13 18:28:40

YANBU to be pissed off with him, he sounds like a cock. But if you're not working and you got pregnant with the current financial situation you have, I'm not sure there's much you can do about it.

Ragwort Wed 15-May-13 18:28:47

YANBU but personally I cannot see the attraction of a grown man who spends his time and money on a playstation <not helpful>. Particularly if he admits he was trying to 'hide' it from you.

It's not 'his' money, you are a family, if he is like this now - what will he be like in the future? hmm

He is bang out of order for deceiving you and wasting money on silly toys when you can't afford it.

However you don't need antenatal classes. No-one does.

kritur Wed 15-May-13 18:32:30

He's out of order spending money you don't have but the NHS do free ante natal classes, you don't need to do NCT (unless you really want to be with a load of others who pay for ante natal classes and not slumming it with those of us in the free ones...)

lottiegarbanzo Wed 15-May-13 18:33:58

YANBU to be very, very cross and to sit him down for a big discussion abut you being a family and it being family money, which needs to be budgeted and accounted for in a fair and agreed way.

In the meantime, you can take control of the ante-natal situation. NHS classes are fine but you can also call NCT and ask for an income-related discount. Look in charity shops for clothes - if you let the local ones know what you're looking for and pop in once a week they might alert you to what's new, or even put things aside for you to try.

And what exactly attracted you to this "fine specimen" of a man?

Some women really know how to chase the rods for their own backs.....

MammaTJ Wed 15-May-13 18:36:25

Oh dear.

My DP annoyed me recently over a broken PS3 too. He badgered me about when we could buy a new one. I told him once we had saved up enough, whenever that may be. Rent council tax etc come first.

He sulked a bit and I told him I am currently unable to pull money out of my arse, but should I gain such a skill I will let him know promptly.

I was staying at a friends and these conversations (yes, plural) took place via phone.

He then phoned me a day later and told me 'You don't have to worry about buying me a PS3, my mum and dad are buying me one'.

Er, love, I was not worried in the slightest!!

He does not have enough control over our bank accounts to buy one sneakily though.

HoneyDragon Wed 15-May-13 18:36:55

What's he going to do if one of his toys break and you can't do the buttons up on your babies clothes and you can't afford to replace them?

Fairylea Wed 15-May-13 18:36:59

Not acceptable at all.

How will you manage finances when the baby is here?

dashoflime Wed 15-May-13 18:39:42

YANBU

He is being selfish and its both your money not just his!

However:

1. NCT do a sliding scale of fees so you may still be able to afford it
2. Their classes are bollocks

CloudsAndTrees Wed 15-May-13 18:40:49

She will be able to get her very own share of taxpayer money by the time baby is here hmm

Go on, flame away and tell me I know nothing about how she conceived. I'll go get my suit.

WipsGlitter Wed 15-May-13 18:42:38

Do you work? How much do you know about your overall financial situation? DP and I go against the mumsnet grain and have totally separate finances and when I read stuff like this I'm glad.

eBay is good for maternity stuff.

<head/desk>

Twinklestarstwinklestars Wed 15-May-13 18:43:15

Yanbu about the ps3 but nct antenatal classes aren't essential either, I never went to any (my choice) but they also don't do nct ones round here.

Totally disagree that NCT Classes are bollocks.

fuzzpig Wed 15-May-13 18:44:09

YANBU, he is being selfish and the plan to lie was really awful.

BikeRunSki Wed 15-May-13 18:44:35

You are really going to have to sort out the whole 'his' and 'hers' approach to money before the baby is here.

ilikehomecookedfood Wed 15-May-13 18:44:56

I think they are both non essentials, sorry. However adequate clothing isn't a non essential.

StuntGirl Wed 15-May-13 18:45:50

It's the deceit that would do it for me.

Do you live together? Why is it his money vs your money? Have you had any discussion over finances? You need to organise this now before the baby arrives. Do not put yourself in a position where he spends family money on luxuries for himself while his partner and child suffer.

HandMini Wed 15-May-13 18:46:33

YANBU about his behaviour. It's not "his" money - it's your shared money as a family.

Does your hospital do antenatal classes? That might provide a bit of a social circle. As for things you actually need to know....well, I promise you you could get it all from a book in the library. Or better still, the Mumsnet childbirth threads. ,

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 15-May-13 18:47:14

QuintessentialOHara Wed 15-May-13 18:43:35
Totally disagree that NCT Classes are bollocks.

Me too.

Yours may have been shite dashoflime, mine weren't.

McNewPants2013 Wed 15-May-13 18:47:57

I wouldn't worry about nct classes, but he was UR to buy something you can't afford

NaturalBaby Wed 15-May-13 18:48:08

YANBU.
Can you get a discount on the NCT course? They are a charity and offer reduced rates if you can't afford a course.
How does he think you're going to be able to afford to buy baby necessities if he's spending all his money on overpriced electrical equipment? My DH never had time for his xbox once baby arrived!

dashoflime Wed 15-May-13 18:48:15

"Totally disagree that NCT Classes are bollocks."

Well, I've done them and I certainly wouldn't recommend them to a friend. You don't get any information you couldn't get from the NHS or from a book for that matter. I defiantly wouldn't worry about "winging it" if you can't afford to go OP

Fairylea Wed 15-May-13 18:49:27

I used (note the word used) to be married to a twat like this. I kept making excuses for him until dd was 6 months old and he sat there telling me he had no money towards the rent, which I then paid on a credit card (!!) And then two hours later he popped off to the pub and withdrew £100 for a jolly night out. Fucking wanker. So he was dumped. I became a single mum for a long time.

I am now remarried and dd is 10 and I also have ds 11 months with my dh. We are both good with money (crucial point, if one of you is shit don't have joint finances) and we do everything joint. I am a sahm and we have equal spending money. Personally I hate having separate finances, at the very least you should have equal spending money regardless of who earns more.

If you're in a family, you spend and earn as a family.

Mine were really good. Intensive, with one morning women only, and evening ones with the men for 6 weeks. Reunion when all the babies were a few months old. And we have kept in touch and been friends for more than 11 years now! One of us 6 is flying back from Oz next week to catch up and we will go out for dinner. The other 5 of us had supper together just a month ago. In the beginning we met every week, then ever month, until firstborns started school. It has been so worth it, at least from a lasting friendship perspective.

PiratePanda Wed 15-May-13 18:51:08

He sounds like a catch hmm I'm glad I'm married to a grownup who doesn't play stupid computer games.

I don't think you'd qualify for reduced rates with NCT as it is assessed on joint income.

Your local branch/group may run Bumps and Babies groups or Mums To Be groups that would offer you support networks for pence - you don't have to be a member or attend classes to qualify for these, just be local.

But the actual problem is that this man isn't supporting you financially or emotionally. I'm appalled that you haven't been able to buy maternity clothes even second-hand (local NCT group would help out there too, or might be having a sale soon, as there are lots in May and June - Google 'nct nearly new sale' for details).

Jadems Wed 15-May-13 18:56:01

CloudsAndTrees - no tax payer money as my partner earns over 60,000 a year, but thanks for the assumption. And I was working when I was ttc, just didn't count on my getting pregnant so soon and then not able to find another job when I moved counties. But we all know it's only the feckless who are out of work at the moment right?

Booked the NCT classes as there aren't any NHS ones in my area - leafy North Herts. I'm just a bit worried that I'll be expected to give birth in about 12 weeks, and I haven't a bloody clue. No family or friends nearby, and a partner who can't stand blood, needles or anything vaguely medical. I'm a bit screwed if I have anything other than a standard delivery.

StuntGirl Wed 15-May-13 18:58:10

I have a grown up partner too, and as part of that he has hobbies he enjoys, one of which is video games.

Jadems what are you going to do about your partner's worrying lack of priorities?

elQuintoConyo Wed 15-May-13 18:59:02

I can't afford antenatal cpasses din't you mean 'we'?

He's going to get a massive bloody shock when lo arrives and he can't be so selfish. Won't have much time to enjoy his ps3 either grin I think you're going to have to sit him down and sort out your finances pronto - do you have friends/family with small dc? Perhaps get the fathers to sit down and tell him what being a new dad is really like!

Jadems Wed 15-May-13 19:01:41

Stunt Girl - Not a lot I can do really. Other than leave, and that wouldn't put me in a great position. I've not got any family to rally round, my finances aren't in a great state.....I've just got to try and make the best of things. Going to have my son soon, so that's something to be thankful for at least.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 15-May-13 19:02:08

Ok but you're not working now? So you have time to do some reading. You can get the same information as at a class very easily, it's just that some people remember things better when they've been told and shown. Start with the NHS web-site, good bite-size info, then get a book e.g. Miriam Stoppard's, or other of your choice. Talk to your midwife, write a birth plan and ask her to check it through and discuss any concerns. Mine expected me to do this.

I completely sympathise with your anger but you've no reason to feel as hopeless as you seem to, there are resources around if you look for them.

NadiaWadia Wed 15-May-13 19:04:29

How much do the classes cost then? Surely he should be making this a financial priority if you feel you need them, if should be from your joint money for your forthcoming family. He should be paying

He is acting like a teenager, and needs to shape up fast He will get a swift reality check once the baby is here.

Bakingtins Wed 15-May-13 19:05:26

How can there be no NHS antenatal provision? Surely your midwife is obliged to provide it? What are the plebs on less than 60k expected to do?

Anyhow, the NCT classes are a red herring. The issue is he's spending a lot of money on non-essentials whilst expecting you to go without necessities. So YANBU to be pissed off with him.

TBH he sounds terrible with money and I'd be really worried about being financially dependent on him for at least the short term future.

StuntGirl Wed 15-May-13 19:06:53

Why are you not working at the moment? (Not a judgement - trying to work out your situation to give best advice).

How are your finances currently structured?

TattyDevine Wed 15-May-13 19:10:04

CloudsAndTrees is wrong, ignore.

NCT is great for the social aspect particularly if you have just relocated. Though even then its luck of the draw.

Giving birth with no clue is normal, NCT wont so much as give you a clue than teach you about informed consent.

Do you have nearby friends? Wrong of him to do what he did, but if it iis his "lifeline" then possibly he is too scared to do without it, same as some women are with their phones, internet, highights, Kindle, wine, tea, differential calculus, etc. We can all have a "thing". But the deceit is slightly worrying.

Jadems Wed 15-May-13 19:12:49

The classes were going to cost £160 for ten hours (I think). It's pricey, but I wanted to go:

a) to meet other parents who'd be expecting a new baby at the same time as us - I know no-one here, as I only moved out to Herts as it's where DP lived, and his daughter lives locally

b) to get a idea of what to expect with labour, breastfeeding etc - I've read stuff online, and I have the books 'what to expect' etc but tbh it still seems completely daunting. My midwife is fine, but not exactly encouraging of questions; she treats the whole pregnancy thing as very matter of fact, normal life experience. Which it is. But on your first - just a bit scary. Plus the fact that I don't talk to my mum, or have any sisters etc to talk to.

But I know it's not the end of the world not being able to do them. Just would have been nice.

WearsMinkAllDayAndFoxAllNight Wed 15-May-13 19:14:35

What games does this grown up father, partner and role model play on his kiddy console?

Jadems Wed 15-May-13 19:18:27

StuntGirl - not working as I moved from Essex to Herts to move in with DP, and commute to North London/Essex based job was taking about four hours a day including several different trains, buses, tubes etc. Stupidly quit with the intention to find something closer in central London, but then found out i was pregnant with only a week to go before leaving my job. I've not been able to find another job, and as I've grown increasingly pregnant it looks unlikely that I'll find anything else before the baby is born. After the baby is born, we have that lovely SE dilemma that childcare + travel costs will be more than my take home pay - so I'd effectively be paying to go work rather than being paid. If it doesn't work out with me and DP, I'll probably move back to Wales (where I'm from originally) - cost of living is cheaper, and I'd actually be able to afford to work.

PleasePudding Wed 15-May-13 19:19:56

He' has been an idiot - the only excuse I can think of is that he needs his PS3 to provide an escape or some downtime. Which is fine - we all need that one way or another, maybe he was very anxious AR the thought of not having this release open to him but it should have been a joint decision and clothes are clearly a priority.

YANBU but, unless he's a repeat offender, I don't think this is a LTB offence he just needs to know PS3 does not come before other members of the family's needs and deceit is shitty

NadiaWadia Wed 15-May-13 19:20:23

he earns over 60k and can't stump up £160 to help you have more confidence delivering ^his ^baby? Thats rubbish.

Also, the chance to meet other new parents would very good for you and the baby, as you say. Jadems, I would insist, I wouldn't let this go.

Fairylea Wed 15-May-13 19:23:01

This is crazy. He is a high earner. There is no way you should be worried about money when he earns that much. He should be sharing his money with you, you are out of work and having his baby for fucks sake. Have you had this out with him re finances, what does he say?

Also, childcare is a joint cost, for you and dp. Not just to come out of your wages! If you both work he has a duty to pay towards care of his child!

All this makes me so angry.

dinkystinky Wed 15-May-13 19:23:13

You need to speak to your partner about his priorities - presumably it was a joint decision to have a child, so there should be joint financial and emotional responsibility for this child too. He has CSA payments looming presumably he has had a child before so knows children, and preparing for them, should be a priority. Was he this feckless with his other child? I think the nct classes will be important for you, especially if he won't be a supportive birth partner - he may not think they are important as he has had a child already.

cardibach Wed 15-May-13 19:26:38

OP there are NHS classes in your area: look These will offer the same benefits as \NCT classes in terms of giving you a clue and allowing you to make friends - DD is 17 and still in touch with a child whose mother I met at NHS antenatal classes, despite us moving 4 hours away when they were 5!
However, as Bakingtins says, the classes are a red herring - it is his attitude which is the problem and YANBU to be cross about that.

kritur Wed 15-May-13 19:29:52

You will be able to meet other mums without ante natal classes, baby clinic, breastfeeding support group, other classes... I only keep in touch with 2 mums and that's because they also went to my breastfeeding groups.

Jadems Wed 15-May-13 19:30:03

We actually are really short of money; know it sounds crazy with such a 'high income' but our outgoings are really high too. Like i said CSA payments are huge at the moment due to the whole tax-mix-up situation (assessing gross salary), we'll have additional tax payments coming out of salary to compensate for a HMRC error placing a NT tax rate on his PAYE for several months, and we're paying for barristers/legal representation in a residency dispute. So it's not as if we're flush. I just thought we were both tightening our belts equally.

Fairylea Wed 15-May-13 19:33:04

Ok but having a low income doesn't mean you can't budget and manage money together.... dh earns 15k, we have two dc and I don't work and we have joint finances and manage ok. (I'm not saying it isn't a struggle at times, believe me it is and part of the reason we do ok is that I used to have a very well paid job and so we now have a small mortgage) however the point I'm making is that you need to work as a team.

Have you asked to have a joint account or to budget together? What does he say? Is he secretive about his finances?

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 19:33:37

I'd like to hear his ex-wife's version of why that marriage broke up.

squeakytoy Wed 15-May-13 19:33:38

There is something drastically wrong with your financial management if you are broke when he is earning £60k a year...

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:34:41

This man sounds like an absolute disaster area! I agree it's not so much the classes as what this behavior symbolises - he prioritises treats for himself above your welfare.

Are you sure he's being completely honest with you re-finances?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 15-May-13 19:36:24

I have done NTC and I have a PS3.
The PS3 is a better use of money.

However he sounds like an immature brat (hoping you won't notice!) and YANBU.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:37:10

Me too numberlock, he does seem to have extraordinarily bad luck wrt money.

kllews26 Wed 15-May-13 19:37:44

The NHS classes are much better and usually run by local midwives. The women I met at the free classes were all very down to earth, no yummy mummies in sight! At least you can avoid being indoctrinated by NCT group-think!

I really wouldn't worry about the classes; MN is way better wink
But I agree with other posters in that you need to address the real issue of division in your household; you need to both be equal and he doesn't get to spend his money while you spend the family money. It can't work like that.

My husband and I are gamers and we would replace our Xbox if it broke, but only if we could afford it. If something had to come first then we would buy that. We would survive without until we could afford it again. Your partner needs to wise up about this and I do think its worrying that he may not think of priorities the way he should as a new father to be, especially as he must have done this before if he's paying child support.

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 19:44:10

flippinada And I was wondering why it's gone to court with his ex over residency issues.

I hate the term 'baggage' but I wouldn't have even gone on a date with thus guy, let alone conceived by him.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 15-May-13 19:50:35

You can meet people at NHS classes too. Content-wise, I thought 'I could have read that in a book in half an hour' except for one or two helpful points - practical not medical. Our hospital offered 'active borth workshops' which were most useful as a chance to see the delivery suite in advance, so it then felt familiar. NCT would be nice too and frankly, why not do both if you can and want to meet people.

I know these practicalities are not the main issue here. I do think though that if you can bring everything possible within your control you will be in a much stronger position to address the financial and fairness issues. You mustn't feel like you're ceding control of your life, just because you're not earning and that's related to the way you approach things - expect to be in control and make sure you are, address him accordingly - don't rely on him to take initiative then feel let down and hopeless.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 15-May-13 19:51:28

ha, 'birth', not sure what an 'active borth' is!

tvmum1976 Wed 15-May-13 19:56:14

YANBU he is being selfish and deceitful. As for the NCT- my classes were a bit rubbish, but the social connections I made from them really were a lifeline and you shouldn't feel you have to miss out if you want to do them.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:57:31

Once again I find myself agreeing with you numberlock

McNewPants2013 Wed 15-May-13 20:01:18

The playstation is not the problem, I play a lot of ps3 and Xbox games also of based games, it's my free time and I resent the fact that this man is being called childish because he plays these games.

The issue is the money being spent that is not available.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 15-May-13 20:02:50

Does he think he'll have time to play ps3 when your DS is born? How does he think you'll afford nappies, clothes, potentially milk etc? They don't appear out of thin air. Have you spoken to him about buying the ps3?

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 20:06:24

Of course he'll have time. Do you really think he'll be lifting a finger?

Fast forward a few months/years there'll be another barrister to pay for residency issues with this child.

Jadems Wed 15-May-13 20:26:12

Not spoken to him as he does the whole 'offense as defence' strategy whenever challenged. I have my driving test tomorrow (2nd time around - failed first attempt a fortnight ago), and don't need his passive aggressive attempts to make this my problem tonight.

tbh I just want to go home. Keep feeling like I've made this huge mistake and there's nothing I can do about it. Have the impression that his needs will always come before mine.

AncientCrone Wed 15-May-13 20:26:23

Do you have Lazy Daisy near you? You can do a course for £50-60ish.

Ask for a move to Relationships?

sad for you. You sound very unhappy. You have given up so much for him and he can't even be arsed to be honest with you.

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 20:31:12

Keep feeling like I've made this huge mistake and there's nothing I can do about it. Have the impression that his needs will always come before mine.

You're spot on there.

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 20:31:54

So what's stopping you going home? At least for a short time while you consider your options?

teacherwith2kids Wed 15-May-13 20:33:17

jadems, then go home. Easier now that after the baby is born. You have nothing to hold you where you are - no family, no job, a partner you don't sound happy with. Go home and make it a home for you and your baby.

Oh, and find NHS courses. They're great. Then find a decent mother-and-baby weekly group in a church hall or somewhere after the baby is born - a much wider mix that you get at 'paid for' NCT groups, and IME (and I've attended a lot of mother-and-baby groups, in 2 countries and 3 counties) all the better for it.

Viviennemary Wed 15-May-13 20:33:23

Can't you re-negotiate your tax bill and arrange to pay it over a period of time. It is really a poor show that you have had to cancel your NCT classes when he is spending money on things that don't seem to be absolutely necessary. I did go to NCT classes and thought they were excellent. But there again they aren't absolutely necessary but more important that PC3's.

expatinscotland Wed 15-May-13 20:33:37

What Quint said.

Fairylea Wed 15-May-13 20:35:35

Go home. You'll be better off financially with the benefits you can claim short term and then you can return to work if you want to and have more money than being stuck with him.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 15-May-13 20:35:45

Oh dear. Well, good luck for the driving test.

Can you write him a letter explaining how you feel? It's one way of bypassing the defensive reaction and giving him a calm opportunity to take in what you're saying, rather than focusing on what he wants to say in a controntational situation. It's amazing how little people listen when they feel put on the spot and defensiveness overrides empathy every time.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 20:36:43

I think that home is the place to be, if your will get support there. At the very least it will give you some space to decide what you want to do.

AnyFucker Wed 15-May-13 20:39:11

Oh dear. what a sorry mess of a man you are mixed up with

All these financial "mistakes" he has made, and then blamed on someone else

is the mother of his other children a gold digging psycho bitch who is a shit mother by any chance ?

My advice to you is to move back to Wales right now

you won't take it though, and you will hate me for dissing your man

it's how it goes... until you eventually wise up

dinkystinky Wed 15-May-13 20:49:28

Jadems - are you happy in this relationship? You sound isolated and a long way from home - not an issue with a supportive partner, but do you have a supportive partner? I'd really advise posting in relationships - there are some very clear sighted posters there who casn help you decide what you really want for you sand your baby.

teamboleyn Wed 15-May-13 20:49:49

What did he do with the additional £1000 or so in his pay every month if he wasn't paying any tax?

FrozenDough Wed 15-May-13 20:50:24

Everyone sayin this man is a waste of space etc are fkn ridiculous op's only gave 1 example ov his selfish behaviour and your all ganging up on him u's really need 2 get a grip!

AnyFucker Wed 15-May-13 20:52:11

hmm

dinkystinky Wed 15-May-13 20:53:58

Really Frozen dough? Op has given examples of money issues despite his amazing salary, that he is not going to be a supportive birth partner, that she can't speak to him about her issue with his use of money - and lying to her about the use - in financial straits and you think people are over reacting by saying he doesn't sound a prize catch?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 15-May-13 20:55:42

I would definitely go back to South Wales. It is cheaper to live there and you will be with people who love and care for you. It doesn't need to be a permanent decision now - just some time out.

BTW, get on Freecycle and ask for maternity clothes, baby stuff etc.

StuntGirl Wed 15-May-13 20:58:49

Sweetheart, I know you might not think it but you really absolutely can go back home. You can leave him. You can. It will be hard and scary at first but it will also be a thousand times easier than trying to do it after the baby is here.

Good luck for your driving test tomorrow flowers

MammaTJ Wed 15-May-13 20:59:13

Even the threat of you going home and him having to pay CSA for another child will have him quaking in his boots.

I think you should do it, not just threaten it. You don't sound happy, he lied to you.

Frozen I am not sayign that because of one example of selfish behaviour but because the OP has actually made me want to give her a hug and take her back to Wales myself. She sounds so miserable.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 21:00:17

It's not just just one mistake though. We're all human and anyone can make a mistake - it's how you handle it and what you learn from it that matters.

There's a whole load of 'mistakes' here made by the man in question that indicate someone who is (at best) financially irresponsible.

FrozenDough Wed 15-May-13 21:03:27

I'm not condoning his behaviour i think it's selfish too i just think sum people are a bit ott on here sometimes

FrozenDough Wed 15-May-13 21:06:42

flippinda your first paragragh very wise words

AnyFucker Wed 15-May-13 21:06:59

Would you live with it, FD, or do you just think that other people should ?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 15-May-13 21:07:37

Then go home, OP. You are between jobs so what difference would it make to go home? At least you wouldn't have to cope with him being passive aggressive and making a joint problem into your problem. He sounds like an utter knob. I think you just worked out why his last relationship ended.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 21:14:20

Thank you FrozenDough, but I think it's also worth paying attention when someone keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.

Also, something you might be prepared to put up with or overlook when you're with a partner (like being messy, or a bit hopeless with money) takes on new significance when you bring a child into the mix.

DontMeanToBeRudeBut Wed 15-May-13 21:21:29

North Herts has so much going on for mums and babies, you will be fine for the social side once baby is here. For now, have a look at aqua natal classes or antenatal yoga if you want to meet other women in the same position. You could also have a look at the Lazy Daisy antenatal classes (run in areas other than the one I've linked to too), which are also good for birth relaxation techniques and socialising. They aren't as informative as the NCT classes but are much cheaper.

Have you had a hospital tour? If not then book one ASAP with your midwife so you can look round the unit and have an opportunity to ask lots of questions.

As for your question, YANBU and my DH is currently living out of a suitcase in a youth hostel somewhere after I kicked him out for the same sort of behaviour. I'd recommend relationship counselling now and doing your utmost to nip this petty selfishness in the bud.

FrozenDough Wed 15-May-13 21:21:48

AnyFucker i don't kno the full story so i can't say wether i'd live with it or not

M0naLisa Wed 15-May-13 21:24:27

Go to your local sure start centre antenatal classes are free

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 21:24:59

We know enough to know it's a deal breaker

- shit with money
- disrespectful
- unresolved issues with ex and other children
- sulker/passive aggressive
- unsupportive

Not necessarily in that order and I can't think of anything to write in the + column.

AnyFucker Wed 15-May-13 21:25:13

but you are telling others off for saying she shouldn't have to ?

bad form

AnyFucker Wed 15-May-13 21:25:36

last post was to FD

AnyFucker Wed 15-May-13 21:26:31

he's good at impregnating women and then fucking up their relationship ?

it's a skill, of sorts

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 21:28:31

Ha ha, well done for turning a negative into a positive AF!

BibiBlocksberg Wed 15-May-13 21:29:40

We all make mistakes, it's only human.

The older I get though the more I find that there is always a choice available to correct those mistakes.

There is usually a price to pay for the correction in course (be it emotional, financial or both) and the sooner I can admit to myself exactly what error i made the less I end up suffering.

The trick is deciding what price I would have to pay to get out of a given situation, if I'm willing to pay it and if not, why not.

This man is not going to change op, especially not when Lo is actually here. You'll end up with two children to sort out, one of them fully grown.

I wish you courage in making the choices that will lead you and your child to happiness.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 15-May-13 21:32:34

clouds

Its customary to apologise when you've done that.

you know the being rude making untrue assumptions based on nothing other than your own vile prejudice thing.

3MenAndMe Wed 15-May-13 21:34:56

IMO both are (classes and PS3) total waste of money...
Better spend on something long lasting(buggy,breast pump whatever is essential at the moment...)
Ask him to return the 'precious' item NOW and focus on the baby (well,it looks like he is the biggest one now...)...
NCT classes won't teach you anything different than you can read in pregnancy books...and they will try to persuade to buy their crap ...

StuntGirl Wed 15-May-13 21:39:05

I think a more pressing issue than the classes is the fact the OP does not have properly fitting clothes... an electrical gadget goes way down the list of priorities when it comes to essentials, and I speak as a gadget lover.

FrozenDough Wed 15-May-13 21:41:07

I wasn't telling any 1 off AnyFucker i just think people are a bit ott sometimes and he does sound like a dick but like i said we don't kno the full story

JCDenton Wed 15-May-13 22:04:04

"I play a lot of ps3 and Xbox games also of based games, it's my free time and I resent the fact that this man is being called childish because he plays these games. The issue is the money being spent that is not available."

Agreed 100%. Playing computer games isn't childish, being unable to delay your own gratification for a worthy cause is.

anastaisia Wed 15-May-13 22:23:09

Have you filled in a claim for maternity allowance? It can start from 11 weeks before your EDD. Doesn't help with the relationship issues though.

" I know it's 'his' money as he earns it,"
NO IT ISN'T 'HIS' FUCKING MONEY!! ONCE OFFSPRING ARE INVOLVED ALL MONEY, WHOEVER EARNS IT, IS FAMILY MONEY!
<and breathe ...>

Sorry, but I just cannot stand this fuckwitted idea that the only contribution to the household that counts is earning money, and therefore the 'earner' has more power in the relationship. Remember OP, this arse of a man would not be able to work outside the home without you being in the home to care for your joint child (or shelling out most of his income for professional childcare).

Frankly, I'm a bit hmm about your finances. He earns a LOT, but it all seems a bit fucked-up IYSWIM - problems with tax and with CSA. How did these problems come about? Is he useless with money, makes bad decisions, buries his head in the sand - what happened to cause these financial problems? (And, with my very cynical head on, are you sure they are real? Have you seen the paperwork, or is it all verbal from him?)

I would be inclined to make it clear to him that you are aware of the PS3 plan; and also make it clear that antenatal care (and maternity clothes FFS!) are a far higher priority than a poxy PS3.

sashh Thu 16-May-13 03:34:09

If you have his money and your money then why is the CSA bill a 'we' and not 'his'?

If you can't afford maternity clothes (try ebay) then how are you going to afford a pram, cot, etc etc? Is he planning on you paying for them?

Are you claiming benefits? I think you should be able to get JSA based on you working before, it won't last for ever but would help a bit.

Oh OP. [hugs]

I'd get out of there ASAP. My partner is probably as bad with money as yours is (he actually did the same thing, bought a PS3 without asking me but we could afford it at the time, plus I actually wanted one anyway) but the difference is that he accepts that and leaves finances to me. If he did the same things as your partner I would be gone in a shot, and I'd take DS with me.

Big ticket items like consoles should never come before clothes and other practical items. Never. It sounds like this guy doesn't actually care much for your wellbeing sad

Morloth Thu 16-May-13 07:45:21

If we were skint and pregnant and DH blew money on something so unnecessary I would dump him.

That 1 example is plenty.

Go home OP. Don't just accept that you are helpless, try and take some control back.

Altinkum Thu 16-May-13 08:03:02

You don't need NTC classes, theybarenin my opinion bollocks.

LIZS Thu 16-May-13 08:12:50

You can still join NCT groups (Bumps and Babes, Breastfeeding support groups et al) without taking classes and you'll presumably be offered NHS antenatal classes. But that isn't really the issue here, is it. Think you need to be very clear now where you and the baby will come in his priorities.

StillSeekingSpike Thu 16-May-13 08:18:20

I am the bitter Voice of Experience angry. men like this- you NEVER get to the sunlit uplands of no problems and everything sorted- there is just one problem after another, and always a crisis. I couldn't live like that.

MrsKoala Thu 16-May-13 08:45:46

Hi OP. I had just relocated when pregnant and knew no-one. We did NCT and tho the info was nothing special the friends and support network I got was a life saver. When DS was 8weeks we all got Norovirus and the group really rallied and helped. I cut my thumb open and needed stitches and they took me to the hospital and helped with DS. We meet weekly and it is my bit of sanity. Honestly, if you can scrape the money together it is really worth it. I would sacrifice loads of baby stuff if it was a choice.

As for your DP, well he is a dick. Does he want you to meet no one and be isolated and going crazy? or does he not care? Either way, the result is the same. Can you sell his PS3? I would take it to a second hand place and see what i could get. Also i may round up £160 worth of his other stuff and sell that too!

Lavenderandlimes Thu 16-May-13 08:49:54

You need to have a serious and honest chat about money NOW. Is he going to provide you will an income after the baby is born? Or are you going to have to beg every time you want to buy a toy or want to go out for a coffee with other mums? Have you discussed any of these issues? It shoulds like a very stressful situation. He won't change once the baby's born if that's what your hoping. Please resolve these problems before the baby is born.

StanleyLambchop Thu 16-May-13 09:12:06

wearing a size 6 skirt that won't zip up fully any more

Welcome to my world, and I am not even pregnant! Flippant comments aside, NHS classes were free and taught me all I needed to know (which was that your birth will not go to your agreed birthing plan anyway- we are all just winging it!) However I think you do need to sit down and discuss money with him- what happens next time one of his toys breaks and the baby needs nappies/new clothes?

Jadems Thu 16-May-13 10:02:38

Failed my test this morning (again). Reversing around a corner. Got all flustered and mounted the curb. Brilliant. I'm not a confident driver, but it didn't help that I didn't get any sleep last night thinking about what to do. Tried sleeping in SDs bunk bed at first, then ended up on the sofa about 3am, before finally getting some sleep at 5am and then needing to be up at 6am for a 7:15 pick up and an 8:20 test.

Floods of tears when I finally got back home this morning. Don't know what to do now. Planning to go to my aunt's house before he comes home from work, but no idea what to do longer term. Wish I could just go 'home' to Wales, but I don't really have any place to go. I'm not happy here, but keep thinking making myself voluntarily homeless isn't going to help any.

Just so unhappy. Wouldn't mind all the sacrifices if he didn't keep treating me like a mug. I don't want my son never to see his father, but I don't know how much more I can take.

CuppaSarah Thu 16-May-13 10:03:50

I didn't have much in the way of maternity clothes, but I have a size 8/10 jumper dress which is light enough for the summer and some size 10 over the bump next trousers if you'd like them? PM me if you want them.

Never mind, OP. Better luck next time.

Taking time away with loving family sounds like a great idea, even if it only gives you and him a better idea about how you are feeling and what you need to do.

Good luck x

DontMeanToBeRudeBut Thu 16-May-13 10:33:22

It took me 3 goes to pass my test, third time lucky!

Spending some time away to consider your options sounds like a good move. Take your important paperwork: passport, payslips, P60, maternity notes, provisional driver's license etc. Look into claiming Maternity Allowance if you haven't already.

skippedtheripeoldmango Thu 16-May-13 10:45:49

Out of curiosity....how does he talk about his ExW? And have you ever spoken to her? IIWY I'd be having a chat with her about her previous life with this man - if she's amenable to chatting of course.

He sounds like a complete dick to be honest.

Numberlock Thu 16-May-13 11:16:04

Tried sleeping in SDs bunk bed at first

Do I read this to mean his daughter lives with you from time to time? Is this the same child that he has the residencey issues with or another one? How old is she and how is his relationship with her?

Jadems Thu 16-May-13 11:42:34

CuppaSarah - That's very kind of you, thanks. Always touched by the kindness I see on Mumsnet. Hope the karma fairy sprinkles some nice things around for you soon. Should be okay though for the time being - the weather has turned nice again so hopefully I can get away with wearing my old work dresses around for the next couple of weeks. Always been a big fan of shirt dresses, which is serving me well now.

Numberlock - His daughter has her own room here. It's actually just been redecorated, and moved to the bigger bedroom so that we can use the smaller room for the baby. Wanted to redecorate both rooms so that she wouldn't feel left out with the baby getting new furniture etc. She'll be 10 in July. Historically, DP and his ex-wife had a shared care arrangement where his daughter spent alternate weeks with each parent, however her mum (DPs ex-wife) now wants to go to alternate weekend contact. So that's the residency issue that's costing quite a bit in barrister fees atm. DP has a really good relationship with his daughter. He's not so good at the organisey, mumsy stuff so I tend to do a lot of that when she's with us - taking/collecting her from school as DP works in the city, making sure that she's got suitable and weather appropriate clothing, helping with homework etc. Not quite sure how it will affect his residency application if I leave.

skippedtheripeoldmango - Doesn't really talk about his ex-wife that much tbh. I know the divorce was expensive and messy. From what I've been told, she got involved with her boss (her now husband) towards the end of their relationship but things hadn't been working out previous to that. I think he was more hurt by it than he likes to admit. They were together for ten years before they separated (married for three), and he's not really had any significant relationships since. I'm the first person he's lived with since his wife moved out about six years ago. I know he finds it difficult to invest in relationships, and I don't just want to walk out on him. But - do I just let him think he can treat me however he feels like, and there won't be any consequences. It's difficult.

Lavenderandlimes Thu 16-May-13 12:04:06

You poor thing. Pregnancy is so stressful at the best of times. I don't want to sound horrible, but it really sounds like it doesn't treat you well at all. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you everyday, more so now you are having a child together. I think spending time with your family sounds like a good idea. Don't worry about the driving test, it will happen soon.

LittleBearPad Thu 16-May-13 12:04:06

I think you need to have a serious conversation re finances. Does he know how you feel? How do you think he'd react if you said you were thinking of leaving.

The residency thing must be pretty messy if a barrister is needed.

Lavenderandlimes Thu 16-May-13 12:04:33

He doesn't*

PeterParkerSays Thu 16-May-13 12:08:18

"DP has a really good relationship with his daughter. He's not so good at the organisey, mumsy stuff so I tend to do a lot of that when she's with us - taking/collecting her from school as DP works in the city, making sure that she's got suitable and weather appropriate clothing, helping with homework etc"

Can you define his good relationship with his daughter? If he doesn't take her to school, help with homework etc, what does he do with her?

How much paternity leave is he planning on taking when your DS arrives, or will he just work in the city then, and leave it all up to you at home?

samandi Thu 16-May-13 12:10:03

I hate the term 'baggage' but I wouldn't have even gone on a date with thus guy, let alone conceived by him.

This.

And I'd also suspect that he was lying about his finances, seeing as he's quite happy to lie about other stuff.

expatinscotland Thu 16-May-13 13:26:53

I now remember your last thread about this guy. He was a waster then and is still. Go back to your folks, have baby and get a new job.

flippinada Thu 16-May-13 16:34:52

So he doesn't even look after his daughter when she's staying with him and leaves you to do it?

Perhaps waste of space was generous....

flippinada Thu 16-May-13 16:38:33

So he's organised enough to hold down a 60k job but he can't organise himself to get his daughter to school.....?

FJL203 Thu 16-May-13 17:00:46

You chose to conceive in the knowledge that there are already high CSA bills and lawyers bills for the as yet unresolved residency of your partner's existing child?

What a headache.

"I'm just a bit worried that I'll be expected to give birth in about 12 weeks, and I haven't a bloody clue. No family or friends nearby, and a partner who can't stand blood, needles or anything vaguely medical. I'm a bit screwed if I have anything other than a standard delivery".

That could have been written by me, except that both of us can't stand blood, needles or anything vaguely medical. I didn't attend ante-natal classes of any kind.

I managed. And I don't mean "just about coped", I mean I managed perfectly well. I'm sure you will too - don't frighten yourself. It's really not as hard or scary as you think. Take advantage of advice from midwife/GP and the wealth of written information in hard copy and online and try not to frighten yourself.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 18:08:35

I imagine your partner as one of those absolute twats you seen on One Born Every Minute

I watch that programme sometimes and think "you poor woman"

expatinscotland Thu 16-May-13 18:11:23

Poor or stupid.

Jadems Thu 16-May-13 21:56:03

Had it out with him. Via text as he's been out drinking in London since work. Didn't want to go away without talking to him, but pretty pointless decision I can now see.

Told 'pack your stuff and fuck off, go sponge off someone else'.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 21:57:36

Nice

Numberlock Thu 16-May-13 21:58:06

Please follow his advice.

Numberlock Thu 16-May-13 21:58:55

Well the first part anyway as in packing your bags, not the sponging bit obviously.

Go to your family and breathe a sigh of relief.

Jadems Thu 16-May-13 21:59:38

In tears now, I'm not some bloody scrounger and makes me so angry to be made out to be one.

I NEVER ask him for anything. Sold my iphone and ipad to get money, and ended up spending it on school stuff for his daughter and picture frames for prints that had needed framing for months.

I take his daughter to school, do all the household stuff, iron his bloody shirts, make sure everyone has nice meals to eat...but apparently that doesn't count for anything.

I'm not some bloody sponger.

Numberlock Thu 16-May-13 22:01:16

So what are you going to do now

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 22:03:09

This is how little he thinks of you

You can't impress him by making yourself a doormat

Stop doing it...he despises you

I am sorry, but the more you cling and cry, the more he will wipe his feet on you

What do you think he is doing right now ? Laughing with his friends in the bar about the pathetic snivelling woman at home (in his eyes)

Wake up, lady

Jadems Thu 16-May-13 22:05:37

I've got a train booked in the morning to go and stay with my Aunt. So that's a few days breathing space. Longer term I've got no idea. I'd work 24 hours a day scrubbing floors if I had to, if I meant that I didn't have to rely on him - but the very reason I need work so badly at the moment, is also the reason that noone will employ me. 7 month pregnant ladies aren't too in demand for some reason.

I just wish I had parents or something to go home to. Guess I've just got to see what's available for me. Don't know even if I'll be entitled to any housing etc if I go home.

skippedtheripeoldmango Thu 16-May-13 22:06:53

Ah, OP, I'm really sorry...complete and utter tosser. You are so much better off without him. You probably don't' want to hear this right now, but if you do take his advice (and I hope you do) his twuntishness will not disappear: plan to have no financial support or any other kind of support off him what-so-ever and plan for silly bullshit games when it comes to contact/residency.

Here are some flowers for you and big hugs.

LittleBearPad Thu 16-May-13 22:08:52

You need to go home to Wales and leave this arsehole. You and your baby deserve better.

Go now. It will be easier pre-birth than after it. Can you honestly say this man is worth spending your life with.

Finally make sure you contact the CSA and screw the fucker for everything you're entitled to.

Numberlock Thu 16-May-13 22:13:20

I really wouldn't want to even be there when he gets home tonight. Is there not a Premier Inn type place within walking distance you can go to now?

Otherwise I can just tell what will happen when he gets in later...

Jadems Thu 16-May-13 22:15:30

He's just got in. I've gone downstairs and looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch again tonight.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 22:18:13

What a Prince Among Men

Leaves his pg partner that looks after his kid by another woman crying while he strolls in after 10pm post a spot of abusing her on the phone

Make that sofa you are sleeping in a different county tomorrow, or suck up more of the same and worse when your baby comes along

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 16-May-13 22:18:32

I would pack and go.

Would amuse me to see how great his residency case is going to go now your not about and how interesting it is when he has to pay csa for your child.

I probably wouldn't make it easy for him to play silly games by putting him on the birth cert its usually best not to with blokes like that.

LittleBearPad Thu 16-May-13 22:18:57

Be careful. If he's been out on the lash this isn't the time to carry on the argument.

dinkystinky Thu 16-May-13 22:19:01

Ah Jadems I am sorry he is such a total and utter tosspot. pack your bags and go stay with your aunt, go down to citizens advice to find out what you would be entitled to and start making plans for a life for you and your Ds without this waste of space in it.

DontMeanToBeRudeBut Thu 16-May-13 22:21:26

Flipping heck, what a horrible man. How dare he talk to you like that! He hasn't even got the decency to talk to you face-to-face. I am so sorry OP sad

Please, phone someone in RL and get support. Pack what you need and go to your aunt's and figure out what you're going to do. Information on Maternity Allowance is here. An excellent calculator for the benefits you are entitled to is here. Information on getting him to pay his share towards the support of your baby is here.

You may well get a call in the morning saying he was drunk and didn't mean it etc. Please take great care. Your situation might seem impossible now but it really, really isn't. You will get a job and you and your baby will be just fine on your own until you meet someone who deserves you. The longer you stay with this poor excuse for a man, the harder it will be to leave and you will be very miserable while you're there. You can take that from someone who stayed sad

AThingInYourLife Thu 16-May-13 22:31:51

Be careful tonight OP.

Abuse (and he is abusive) often escalates during pregnancy.

Just say what you need to to be left alone.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 22:35:30

... but make sure you leave tomorrow

DontMeanToBeRudeBut Thu 16-May-13 22:39:38

Just to add to what AF said ^ please do come back and let us know you're ok tomorrow OP. I'm sure I won't be the only one worried about you tonight.

Jadems Thu 16-May-13 22:46:01

Thanks guys. No need to be worried though, the only damage is to my pride and heart. He's a selfish idiot but he's never been violent. Plus his friend (who lodges with us during the week) is sleeping here tonight too. He probably thinks that I'm the sponging, lazy excuse for a person DP has painted me as, but I doubt he'd stand by and let him hit me.

Just going to try and get some sleep, and then think about what I need to get together in the morning. Leaving the 3K engagement ring behind, as despite what DP makes out - I've never wanted anything from him other than support.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 22:49:36

Throw the 3k ring in the bin. Or give it to a Homeless charity.

It's an empty symbol from an emotionally-empty vessel.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 16-May-13 22:55:24

No! Take the ring with you in case he refuses to pay maintenance and you need to sell it so you can eat. In fact, sod that - sell it now and the money can go towards a home for you and the baby, and will go towards a new iPhone and iPad for you.

Don't leave it there to try and prove you're not a sponger because he's already convinced himself you are anyway to try and deflect his guilt so you might as well take it and use the money for your new life. I sold mine to buy food - shame it was only worth £72 second hand because my ex was a tight fucker.

I've been a single parent since I was 4 months pregnant and my ex has never bothered with DS, so I'm truly bringing him up on my own. It's ok, you know. You'll both be fine smile.

expatinscotland Thu 16-May-13 22:58:57

Oh, FUCK leaving that ring! Don't be ridiculous. Take it and sell it to a jeweller and use the money on this low-life's kid.

MrsKoala Thu 16-May-13 22:59:44

I'm sorry this has happened OP. The sad thing is men like this genuinely believe that despite you having their child that any money they put towards the support of that child is actually the mother sponging. It's very sad for them but they are never going to 'get it' so just leave now and thank your stars you found this out sooner rather than later.

If you are giving back the ring then i would make sure i had a witness or receipt as you don't want him accusing you of stealing it or something odious like that. Don't bin it! he may demand it back and i'm not sure where it stands legally if you don't get married (the extent of my legal knowledge is Judge Judy saying you have to give it back!).

Good luck with everything. Leave and don't look back!

chansondumatin Thu 16-May-13 23:00:25

Could you not sell the ring? I understand you hate the symbolism of it, but it sounds like you are very short of cash and it might give you much-needed funds for the baby.

Wishing you the best.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 23:00:35

Re: the ring. Those are very viable alternatives to donating it to a Homeless Charity smile

Jadems Thu 16-May-13 23:09:44

I'll have a think on the ring. Legally, I'm entitled to keep it. English law only views the gift of an engagement ring as conditional if there could be a reasonable presumption of return in the event of the marriage not going ahead i.e the ring he's given you is a family heirloom etc. Otherwise it's presumed to be an absolute gift. (Law degree at Durham University finally comes in useful!)

Need to stop being a doormat really. He obviously doesn't respect me and nothing I do will change that. Must to start looking out for myself more.

MrsKoala Thu 16-May-13 23:16:24

Well defo keep the ring and flog it then! I bet he'll fight all the way for every penny he should give to his child, so think of it as money for them.

Allalonenow Thu 16-May-13 23:18:38

Take the ring with you, you will need it for you and your baby, don't make an empty gesture just to put money in his pocket.

You won't be on your uppers for long with a law degree from Durham, stay calm and strong.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 16-May-13 23:21:49

Is the ring supposed to be intended to compensate the woman if the marriage does not got ahead and its the fault of the intended groom?

I'm pretty sure being abusive ( financial abuse is domestic violence) to a woman who is carrying your child is his fault.

Keep the damn ring sell it use the funds to get back to Wales and help towards a rental deposit for the house you will need.

Don't be stupid just to prove a point,he's going to think your a money grabbing sponger no matter what you leave behind he also going to tell everybody you are no matter what you do. You could pay him and he will still think and say it.

That's what men like him do.

PiratePanda Thu 16-May-13 23:34:52

Oh lord, definitely keep the ring and sell it. You'll need the money for thr baby. My money's on you not seeing a penny from the charmer who fathered him/her.

StuntGirl Fri 17-May-13 00:22:57

Oh jadems I'm so sorry to hear it's ended like this sad I hope this gives you the clarity you need to escape this suuffocating life; it astounds me just how many low lifes like your 'd'p there seem to be.

You sound capable and intelligent, I'm sure you and your baby will be just fine without his 'help'.

flippinada Fri 17-May-13 07:21:27

So sorry to read your update. What a nasty piece if work he is; showing his true colours now...well, not that he wasn't before really, this is just more blatant isn't it.

Hope you can update today - agree with others you should take the ring. You need that money for you and the baby. Please take care.

DontMeanToBeRudeBut Fri 17-May-13 07:49:12

Please take that ring and sell it. You and your baby need a rent deposit!

Good luck this morning.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 17-May-13 07:53:56

OP you seem a really nice person, and you STBEX sounds like a dick. I bet he was all charm when you first met him, but unfortunately you've seen the measure of the man now. You're better off without a man who doesn't respect you as a human being.

Take the ring. It's yours. Be happy - it will be difficult at first, but you'll do it.

Hope you're settled at your Aunt's house now Jadems. Spending time away from him will allow you the headspace to start planning your future. Best wishes. brew flowers

At least it's happened now, rather than a couple of years down the line when you have a toddler to deal with. Get away from him, sell the ring and don't look back.

And, while you are waiting for your baby to be born, do a little reading and thinking and maybe some counselling about red flags and abusive men so you don't make the same mistakes again. Best of luck.

NaturalBaby Fri 17-May-13 22:12:33

and take the PS3 to sell while you're at it!
It will be o.k Jadems you have options, you will find support, it will be tough but you'll get there. Becoming a parent has given me the kick up the backside I needed to do what I really wanted and achieve so much more than I would have done before I had kids.

Numberlock Fri 17-May-13 22:58:56

God I would love it if he'd returned home to find her gone and a note saying Fuck You where the PS3 should be!

Euphemia Sat 18-May-13 06:08:40

I hope you're at your aunt's being well looked after. You're well shot of that abusive tosser.

Morloth Sat 18-May-13 06:41:08

Don't leave the ring! Take it with you and sell it, you are going to need that cash to help get yourself and baby sorted out.

You owe this drip nothing. Not a fucking thing, just walk away.

ImperialBlether Sat 18-May-13 11:10:56

God, he's vile. You'll be much happier away from him.

Just one thing about this has really, really pissed me off, though. He's fighting for residency when he won't be there to look after the child anyway.

I'm divorced and there's no way I'd put up with being without the children while their step-parent looked after them. No way. Nothing against you, OP, you sound far too nice for this man, but why is he fighting his ex when he isn't going to be there to see the child anyway?

PiratePanda Sat 18-May-13 14:16:05

What's the bet his XW has been on MN herself and got advised to LTB? I bet her threads are revelatory.

EatenByZombies Sun 19-May-13 01:22:38

Err.. getting my fireproof suit on already but while YANBU about the lying and stuff, if that's his hobby and his old PS3 is broken why should he not be allowed to buy a new one? They actually don't cost that much any more and if that's how he enjoys himself..

I don't see the point in Antenatal classes. They didn't have them a few hundred years ago when medicine was shite and people managed to give birth, why are they so important now when we're so advanced? They're a luxury in themselves, to me, and as they're a luxury why should you get priority over him in that respect? Because you're pregnant? From what you say it doesn't seem to have been planned (and if it is, it wasn't planned very well confused )

I can understand why you're mad but it's only a one-off, small amount of money. Just talk to him about it. Maybe he can sell his old one to someone who can repair it/use it for parts.

I just want to point out, though, that things like maternity clothes should probably come before PS3's sad <in b4 "you're such a gamer who has no grip on reality!!11!1!11!!">

EatenByZombies Sun 19-May-13 01:27:44

flowers for how the situation is turning out - just read to the end and wanted to point out that my previous comment was based on the first half of the thread blush

lucidlady Mon 20-May-13 18:40:00

How are you doing OP?

PearlyWhites Mon 20-May-13 19:10:41

Yanbu however what is wrong with the NHS classes?

fabergeegg Mon 20-May-13 19:24:34

YNBU

But antenatal classes should be free on the NHS.

MrsSpagBol Tue 21-May-13 11:06:38

Just to say that the NHS classes for me are not free - you need to pay £100.

Jadems Thu 23-May-13 13:42:09

Just an update: Back home after a week at my aunt's house. We talked a lot whilst I was away. DP had been feeling a little like he was just there to support me financially and was worried that I would just leave whenever I got fed up. Not sure things are completely sorted out, but I'm glad to be home. We're going pram and moses basket shopping on Saturday - which are some of the few remaining bigger items we need to get for baby.

Longer term - I'm not sure. Thinking I may need to go back to work full time once the baby is born. Admittedly, I'd be no better off and just be paying for DS to be in a nursery 12 hours a day - but might have to be the solution if DP can't see the contribution I make at home. If both of us working full time is the only way I get him to appreciate that we're both making an equal contribution to the household, then that's preferable to being a single parent family. Do not want to have to do this on my own.

On the whole ante-natal classes thing, reckon just going to have to do without. Still a bit shocked about the lack of ante natal care offered by the NHS, but figure I'm assertive enough not to be totally ignored by healthcare staff during my delivery.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 13:47:54

That is not worse than being a single parent family I think your buying into a stereotype and allowing him to financially abuse you.

Sorry to be blunt but he's very very wrong with his attitude,that means he needs to change it not you.

Bobyan Thu 23-May-13 14:02:53

The NHS isn't the problem, the waste of oxygen you have the misfortune to call a partner is.

comingintomyown Thu 23-May-13 14:45:55

Hang on so you will go back to work full time in order to demonstrate you arent a "sponger" ? To stop him thinking you arent pulling your weight ?

I am so sorry that the desire to get home and make up with him has clouded your judgement and you think this course of action will be easier than doing it on your own.

Will he be sharing all childcare and household tasks equally then when you both work FT ? Him that currently relies on you to do a great deal for his exisisting child ?

I am fairly sure it will be harder not easier and sorry the writing is on the wall from someone who tells you to pack your stuff and sponge off someone else - especially when you are 7 months pregnant .

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Thu 23-May-13 15:01:03

Please leave him again.
Its fine for both parents to work FT. Its not fine if that is the only way one parent can get respect from the other.

I know many people who grew up happy and healthy in single parent families. I don't know anyone who grew up with a parent like this who got to adulthood without it either ruining their relationship with BOTH parents or having major issues.

It might seem difficult to leave but please do. Everyone here is here for you. He seriously seriously doesn't deserve you.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Thu 23-May-13 15:05:50

Also it is not the objective importance of the NHS classes which matters. You are the mother of his child about to go through labour for the first time. It was important to you. It could have been a Disney movie and it should still have been important to him to make sure you could have it because you are understandable nervous and anxious and its what you wanted.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 23-May-13 15:56:03

OP, if you go back to work full time, your whole salary shouldn't be spent on child care, your partner should pay half the nursery fees out of his salary.

Jadems Thu 23-May-13 18:03:33

Didn't mean that I would just pay for the childcare. By no better off, I mean that household income would be exactly the same - so there'd be no more disposable income than we have currently. Stupid situation, but that's living in the SE for you. And on the plus side, I'd get to add to my pension, not be missing on work experience and get to see people other than DP and DS.

And leaving really isn't an option, not unless things were to get more unpleasant here than the prospect of sobbing myself to sleep in a grim bedsit with a screaming baby. I don't know how people manage, but the thought of having to make-do on benefits terrifies me. I've got no family to support me and I've got no savings. We're in the middle of a huge restructure of the welfare state, and single-mums are treated with derision by the government and large sections of the right wing press. Have absolutely no desire to be living on some rough-estate in south wales, frantic with worry because I've not got enough money for the electricity, gas, food etc. At the moment I've got a roof over my head, I'm fed and my son will have somewhere to live and be well taken care of. My DP is actually a nice guy to be around when he's not being an idiot. So, unless things were to get seriously worse - would never put up with him shouting at or hitting me for example, think I just need to count my blessings and be grateful for what I do have.

PaperSeagull Thu 23-May-13 18:27:01

Oh, Jadems. Your last post makes me so sad for you. Why should you have to put up with such disrespect and unkindness from your DP just because he provides for you financially? Have you at least had a discussion about how he needs to pull his weight at home, especially after the baby arrives?

I do think that finding a decent job might be a good plan for you in the near future, since that will give you more independence and options to chart your own course.

Fairylea Thu 23-May-13 19:04:34

I would work on a long term plan.

Enjoy maternity leave. Get a decent ish job if possible. Find good childcare and then leave the bastard.

Seriously he is an absolute arse.

Why should you have to work your arse off to prove you are equal to him? In his eyes you'd probably cease to exist as a valid human being if you (touch would it wouldn't happen) got very sick and were unable to work for example.

He's a prick.

LittleBearPad Thu 23-May-13 19:09:53

Please don't sell yourself short by staying with this man only because you're scared of what will happen if you leave. Babies do cry regardless if whether they are in bedsits or Home Counties detached houses. However staying with a man who treats you like shit is worse than being by yourself. It is possible to be far lonelier and unhappy in a couple than as a single person.

You don't know how you are going to feel post birth about working. Don't promise to get a job just to keep the peace with your partner - you may not want to work, at least for a few months and you may not get a job.

In the meantime however stop doing all your partner's child care for his existing daughter. It may prove to the fuckwit how much you do to enable his oh so important city job.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 19:58:27

Single parents can work you know, most do.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Thu 23-May-13 20:31:09

Leaving is an option - please go and speak to CAB or something. A bedsit is better than an awful partner who doesn't even respect you. Babies cry and even the biggest house can feel like a bedsit when they do all afternoon. That's why buggies and slings and walks in the outside are popular. You may not have to be on benefits for a long time - many single parents work. And although the benefits system is changing, the government isn't about to have all single mother's rounded up and shot. You will survive.

Please think about leaving now and speak to some organisations eg CAB and gingerbread about your options.

Even if you aren't up to this yet, please work on it as a back up plan. If you stay and get a job, insist that your P contributes towards childcare and put some money in a secret account. Go to baby groups and build up a network with local mums.

If you are absolutely convinced that you must stay, set boundaries with your partner regarding what he calls you, what he does with money etc. It doesn't matter that he is nice when he is not an absolute arse, he should not be an arse in this kinD of way to you ever. If you are too scared to do that, that gives you all the answer you need about whether you should stay or not.

If you post your location I am sure there are local mners who can help.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 23-May-13 21:52:57

Jadems I'm a single parent and have been since I was 4 months pregnant. DS is almost 7 so I've had a long time as a single parent and it's not changing any time soon, however I don't recognise your stereotypical description of my life. I've never had to 'make do' on benefits, nor have I lived in a grim bedsit or on a rough estate. Since having DS I've always worked - for the first four years I worked full time and now work part time. I live in a small but nice house in a decent area. We enjoy walks to the park, days out and even the odd holiday abroad - yes, just the two of us! We are happy, healthy and content. Don't ever think that being a single parent is second best because that's very insulting to those of us who are single parents, and quite frankly I'd rather be alone forever than live with an abusive arsewipe that has absolutely no respect for me.

Please, when he does this again (which he will), think about what I (and others) have said and reconsider leaving, not only for your sake but your son's.

OhDearNigel Thu 23-May-13 22:13:22

You don't need a playstation or antenatal classes.

StuntGirl Fri 24-May-13 00:33:03

So you are choosing to stay with him simply because of the financial security he offers, so he's kinda right.

Don't sell yourself short. I wish you good luck for your future with this man, I suspect you're going to need it.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Fri 24-May-13 06:32:33

So you'd rather your baby was in nursery 12 hours a day, pretty much from birth, just that you can prove to your 'D'H that you aren't a sponger...? hmm

Warped priorities you've got there.

It will be interesting to see whether, having had your child, you will actually be able to go through with the 12-hour a day nursery plan, just so that you can make enough money to pay for said nursery. Very interesting, indeed...

It's not something most people can do. Granted, most people don't have complete arseholes for co-parents.

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